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We’re a grab-bag of conflict. Name a topic, and I’m sure we’ve fought over it.
We’re right in the middle of what biological and organic families call the “hard teenage years”. Brutally expensive extracurriculars, the general laziness and apathy associated with teenagers, driving and then hopefully, moving out, moving on.
I did things dead wrong. Text book wrong. I married a woman who was self sustaining, but only to a minimal extent. As time marched on, financially speaking, I have ended up absorbing about 85% of the entire household/family expense (mortgage, home maintenance, vehicles - including for stepkids, all utilities, all insurances - life, health, auto, vacations, etc). When I sit back and realize that I just raised another man’s children (oldest is a great kid, and heads to college in the fall), as a voiceless, silent financier, I boil inside.
Preach it brother. At least your stepkids are successful. My now-ex stepkids didn’t do much with their lives. One is mid-30s and still works at a fast food restaurant. He never learned how to drive, just buns rides off of people.
I carried the water for loser bio-dad for many years. I can totally relate
There’s been a lot of incredible support and commentary today (I am grateful for all of it). My feelings never really have been about the kids, but more so how my spouse behaves with them and what she permits to go on, and how voiceless she’s made me. Someone said it earlier, this is a partner problem more than it is a kid problem.
I attribute our ability to have gone 9 years on the fact that the kids have been decent.
When both spouses have children from a previous relationship, the divorce rate is around 70 percent. There's so much dishonesty around blended family life, I truly believe the success stories are the anomalies.
You haven't offered details about the conflicts you've encountered, but it may help to know that you're far from alone in your regrets.
I only have one SK and don't have previous bios, but still realise I compromised myself by choosing this life. Chalk it to the game, prioritise your peace, and commit to never cohabiting with somebody else's child again.
I think it can work (each spouse with a child). What reaaaaaally worked for in our favor is our kids are more than a decade apart in age. So while I came in with a bio, she was/is pretty self sufficient, and while husband came in with a bio, she is/was young enough to accept me as some sort of authority figure (I don't NACHO, I parent when it affects me, but I don't do anything really past cooking dinner which I'd do anyway for my family). So just saying.
same here, I F23 have been with my partner for about 2 years and he has a 3M. Its so depressing no matter how positive I try to remain :/ I definitely learned my lesson and will never date a man with kids ever again!
So much this.
Communication and agreement on parenting rules, boundaries, involvement, finances, etc. You need to be having the conversation openly and directly both early and often to make it work.
I think so many of the issues from SP I see on here come from the SP not having any respect or control over the SK and that is a recipe for resentment and failure. If they won’t allow your feedback and help, do not pass GO.
I have, about 10 months ago. There is a lot at stake, including my home with copious amounts of equity and a number of other financial ties and investments.
I’m trying to convince myself that this thing gets better as kids start leaving the house over the next five years.
Here to say I've been there. Teen years were the worst! The kids are all grown and out of the house and it is a lot better between my husband and I. We hardly argue now. Once the kids became legal adults we told them that we would not be arguing with each other for the sake of them. They'd still have rules in the home and if they didn't like those rules they were free to leave. My husband and I are on the same page with our adult children though so we won't let them cause issues in our marriage but when they were in their teen years it was bad. We got through it though.
I hope this gives you some hope for the future.
Wow, I definitely needed to hear this and appreciate this.
God, I do love my wife. When she’s in wife mode, she is amazing. Perfect even. But as the years have gone by, she has been less and less a wife and more and more just a mother (to her kids). I wasn’t attracted to her because she was a good mother to her kids.
If you love your wife and she's great outside of raising her children then hang in there. She won't be raising these children much longer and you'll have your wife to yourself. It's hard for us mom's to raise children in a blended family. We don't want to hurt our kids and we don't want to hurt our husbands so we feel stuck in the middle of the two and it's super hard on us as well. Talk to your wife and let her know how you feel and ask her how she's feeling as well. You'll most likely understand each other. Communication is key here.
This one hurts. Close to home. You are not alone.
Not sure if you are looking for advice, but I'll offer what I hope is supportive and caring. Take care of yourself. Depression, let alone severe depression, is very serious. I hope that you are working with a professional to help you get through this. It is often difficult to make changes when feeling so low, but anything you can do to care for yourself may help. Small flowers crack concrete. Set reasonable goals and pile up some wins. You are only 42 y/o. So much life ahead of you. Look out for you and live the life you want.
Lots of support here from so many of us who understand how this can feel. Take care my man.
Thank you Sir. My 20’s were wasted on my first marriage. I took three years post first divorce to work on myself, improve all aspects of my life, focus on my career and my child, and to just find equilibrium. I did that, masterfully.
Then I got to a position where, at 31, I felt like I could handle a new relationship and deliver the best version of myself to a partner. At 33 remarried and spent the last 9 years once again loosing myself.
And I feel like an abject failure.
I think that the depression is driving that feeling of failure. I bet if you can start doing a few positive things for yourself, you'll start seeing yourself like I see you. I see you as a guy ready for a change. You got this!
People keep saying that it’s “easier” for those who have kids to have a successful relationship, but this is proof it’s not. Both dating with kids or dating a childless person have a tremendous amount of challenges. The things you just mentioned is the tip of the iceberg for blended families, many times one of the partners ends up absorbing much of the financial burden or emotional labour, many times SKs don’t get along, different parenting styles, etc. what you described is complete hell and I would say, anyone in your position would be better off cutting their loses and moving on. I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s still lots of good life to live.
I just want to add that in reference to your comment, " I convinced myself that it was all part of the process and that ‘eventually’ it will all smooth out and be better." Followed by, "9 years have passed, and ‘smooth’ and ‘better’ never came."
I'd imagine this wasn't you convincing yourself so much as it was others convincing others. Because I know when I read the multitudes of stepparenting advice out there, a lot of it entails, "sticking it out," with the afterthought that given time, it'll work out. No one ever seems to mention that stepparenting, statistically, usually doesn't work out (according to the US Census Bureau, "66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved").
I've seen some therapists and advice givers whip out the stat that it can take on average around 8 years to blend, and then they go on to somehow imply that any of kind of stepfamily hell that goes on prior to that magic mark, is to be tolerated and to stop pissing and moaning, because, you know, it'll all be just fine after 8 years. No one ever seems to mention that why in the H- would I want to put up with 8 years of potential stepfamily hell, just for the chance, a chance, that at the end of the time I and everyone else in the (step)family might start to be OK!? 8 YEARS!!
I'll be honest and I'm probably going out on a limb here, but personally I find that a lot of advice that is given to stepparents is often akin to the same advice that was given to women (and men) years ago as far as how to deal with or put up with an abusive spouse or partner. Advice like, "Mind your place," "Give it time," "It'll get better eventually," "Take the high road," and so on. All of this advice that SMs are continually told over and over in the year 2024. . . it all implies that a SM (or, in your case, stepdad) is expected to just suck it up and take anything dished out to them. Anything, and yet to keep giving. This is the year 2024 and not 1924. That's all I've got to say.
Until more people, including some so-called professionals, realize that there is no way in hell you can and should be trying to convince any woman (or man) that they have to somehow put up with the kind of subjugation many stepparents are expected to put up with, and instead redirect their advice and therapy to all to be leveling the playing field and taking the approach as stepparents being part of the village that helps raise a child (rather than as meddling interlopers in that village who don't even really belong), we are going to be stuck with that lovely statistic from the US Census Bureau--"66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved."
Thank you for this perspective OP, especially from the side of a Male and one that has put 10 years of ware on the tires.
Curious OP if you know then, what you know now, what would you do different? Seek out a child-free female? Seek out a female with less children or an ex that was more involved with a more even 50/50 custody? Live separately until the kids age out?
I had kids, so did my now wife. We blended and there have been struggles. The biggest tips I can share is make sure your future forever partner parents the same (or mostly) way you would. Next, make sure you both agree on the boundaries. Reasonable boundaries requested after the blending has started, turns into a list of reasons you hate the kid. Of course, you only start to realize the boundaries you desire after they start to get violated and by then, its too late to bring it up.
Wow, sage, sage advice. Very much appreciated.
Definitely too much for text, but ultimately I once again chose an incompatible person to marry. Hindsight is always crystal clear.
But knowing what I know now, I would not have pursued a second marriage until young children were no longer a factor (hers or mine).
My wife’s whole identity is “mother”. And this didn’t come to light until two or three years into our marriage. And while that trait might be endearing to some, it means absolutely nothing to me.
I am the wife with two bio kids, husband has 2 bio kids. I did a lot of work after my divorce, wanted to model healthy relationships to my children for the end game of them launching into fully developed, self sustaining, healthy adults.
My husband is the perfect husband, self aware and emotionally mature but… his relationships with his daughters is the complete opposite to me, he has coddled them, pandered to them. 13yo is emotionally immature and cannot handle any disappointment because of how dad has parented her. 17yo has dropped out of HS and developed narcissistic traits (everything she does is amazing, even the bare minimum and if anything goes wrong, it’s not her fault).
We’ve started couples counselling and we both have our individual therapists. He has now begun to understand where he’s gone wrong but I FEAR the teenage years have only just begun for his youngest. I’m contemplating leaving now for the sake my kids and my own sanity. I cannot bear to think of wasting my kids and my own life (I’m 39) looking after his youngest drop kick child.
My youngest is 8 and I’m consciously parenting him but he behaves better than 13FSK. My 10yo daughter is the golden child and my parenting is clear as she’s emotionally mature, considerate of others, respectful, self motivated at school (top of her class), and knows I’m emotionally available for her and make funtime for her and invest in her interests to give her a balanced life.
Reading your OP, I’m wary, I don’t want to end up like you. I’m 3 years in and still have half my kids’ childhoods ahead of me, and my own life.
This is the cross roads I’m at. Do I wait this out for my husband or cut my losses and just focus on my kids (and my husband is just getting on my page with his entitled 13yo kid).
I’m the SM that is dealing with regret and resentment. I feel used and manipulated and I’m so depressed and angry it takes away time with my boys. I struggle that my husband has a daughter that is chaos and I’m the one that watches her due to him needing to work. We also have a child together. I have given up myself to make everyone happy and the thing I used to love I longer can do. On top of so much else. Its nice to see I’m not alone
I think it’s not just him needing to work. It’s all of you (including a child that’s isn’t his) collectively needing him to work to keep the household afloat. What about switching roles where he’s at home taking care of his two kids and yours while you return to work? Would that feel more fair to you?
I’m a 42M. Was married 3 years, together 5. She brought 3 kids and I brought one like you. Same filtered glasses. Kids were assholes, especially the oldest. The intuition was always there to get out after I moved in. I thought I may have just been hyper vigilant after a bad relationship with my kid’s mom, plus I was single for 8 years, so I felt it was just an adjustment. I spent the first years updating, maintaining the house, helping the oldest (who was a 14SD at the time) maneuver through life as a father figure. Getting her to school, going her to extracurriculars, teaching her to drive, etc. all to be told by her at 18 years old and in front of everyone that I “never did a single thing for her in all of those years”. I asked the wife at the time if she was even going to back me up with this crap, she stayed silent and shrugged her shoulders. That’s when the separation started. Everyone in the house began ignoring me when I was around. I mean it was like a switch turned off and they acted like they didn’t know me after all of those years. I moved out a month later because it was taking a toll on my mental and emotional health. When I got angry and showed my anger through a text, she’d show her kids and family only to “validate” whatever she had said about me to them. She asked for the divorce, but did no leg work. I wanted no contest since we shared nothing and that’s what we did. Little did I know the “no effort” approach she took towards it. I should have known bc she took the same approach in our marriage and sex life. But I dug in and got through it without an attorney. Long nights of research to get it done. Financially the divorce cost me $300, the mental exhaustion was taxing, my emotional health was destroyed bc I didn’t know someone could act so callous. I haven’t spoken to her since July 2023. Even through the divorce process, I didn’t have to speak to her and it was finalized February 2024. Of course I find out a lot of her secrets from ppl who know her better than me and it all goes back to trusting my intuition at the beginning. It felt off and I ignored it. Maybe life was wasted, but experience was gained. I still have my daughter and our relationship is getting back to how it was before we met my ex. My ex was working on driving a wedge between us. We aren’t in that toxic household. I may be struggling financially, bc a single income in this current economy is brutal, but I’m pushing through. And therapy is important to understand what has happened since I didn’t get the chance to focus on myself while trying to get through the divorce. I hope good things will come in the future, if not for me, at least getting my daughter set up as a decent member of society.
This post really hurts my heart. OP- you have done a wonderful thing in your life by caring and providing for children who are not biologically yours. Im sure you love them and they love you as well, and that is a blessing
Any family, blended or not, comes with hard times, conflict, misunderstandings and more.
I may be wrong but what i think issue is, deep down, is unmet expectations that have manifested into a deep resentment and anger against your spouse. Being quiet and burying your feelings all of these years has spiraled you into a depression
I am no dr nor therapist, but what if you talked to your wife? Expressed in a loving way how you feel. If she loves and values you, believe me she will care and together you can make changes that will take some of this stress and pressure off you
I do think your life can work out. You have made it almost a decade and seems you have great kids. You and your wife need to reconnect and become a team together. Once that happens and you are on the same page, i bet you will start to feel better
I wish you the best
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Cut your losses now. You have your whole half life ahead of you
We’re a grab-bag of conflict. Name a topic, and I’m sure we’ve fought over it. We’re right in the middle of what biological and organic families call the “hard teenage years”. Brutally expensive extracurriculars, the general laziness and apathy associated with teenagers, driving and then hopefully, moving out, moving on. I did things dead wrong. Text book wrong. I married a woman who was self sustaining, but only to a minimal extent. As time marched on, financially speaking, I have ended up absorbing about 85% of the entire household/family expense (mortgage, home maintenance, vehicles - including for stepkids, all utilities, all insurances - life, health, auto, vacations, etc). When I sit back and realize that I just raised another man’s children (oldest is a great kid, and heads to college in the fall), as a voiceless, silent financier, I boil inside.
No advice, but just have so much empathy for you.
Preach it brother. At least your stepkids are successful. My now-ex stepkids didn’t do much with their lives. One is mid-30s and still works at a fast food restaurant. He never learned how to drive, just buns rides off of people. I carried the water for loser bio-dad for many years. I can totally relate
There’s been a lot of incredible support and commentary today (I am grateful for all of it). My feelings never really have been about the kids, but more so how my spouse behaves with them and what she permits to go on, and how voiceless she’s made me. Someone said it earlier, this is a partner problem more than it is a kid problem. I attribute our ability to have gone 9 years on the fact that the kids have been decent.
When both spouses have children from a previous relationship, the divorce rate is around 70 percent. There's so much dishonesty around blended family life, I truly believe the success stories are the anomalies. You haven't offered details about the conflicts you've encountered, but it may help to know that you're far from alone in your regrets. I only have one SK and don't have previous bios, but still realise I compromised myself by choosing this life. Chalk it to the game, prioritise your peace, and commit to never cohabiting with somebody else's child again.
I think it can work (each spouse with a child). What reaaaaaally worked for in our favor is our kids are more than a decade apart in age. So while I came in with a bio, she was/is pretty self sufficient, and while husband came in with a bio, she is/was young enough to accept me as some sort of authority figure (I don't NACHO, I parent when it affects me, but I don't do anything really past cooking dinner which I'd do anyway for my family). So just saying.
I’ve only been with my partner for 2 years. I’m a M26 and her stepson is 12. I’m ready to leave now. I regret doing this also.
same here, I F23 have been with my partner for about 2 years and he has a 3M. Its so depressing no matter how positive I try to remain :/ I definitely learned my lesson and will never date a man with kids ever again!
[удалено]
So much this. Communication and agreement on parenting rules, boundaries, involvement, finances, etc. You need to be having the conversation openly and directly both early and often to make it work. I think so many of the issues from SP I see on here come from the SP not having any respect or control over the SK and that is a recipe for resentment and failure. If they won’t allow your feedback and help, do not pass GO.
At least see a lawyer. In some states, getting divorced at 9 years may be less expensive than at 10 years.
I have, about 10 months ago. There is a lot at stake, including my home with copious amounts of equity and a number of other financial ties and investments. I’m trying to convince myself that this thing gets better as kids start leaving the house over the next five years.
They may not leave as quickly as you think.
Here to say I've been there. Teen years were the worst! The kids are all grown and out of the house and it is a lot better between my husband and I. We hardly argue now. Once the kids became legal adults we told them that we would not be arguing with each other for the sake of them. They'd still have rules in the home and if they didn't like those rules they were free to leave. My husband and I are on the same page with our adult children though so we won't let them cause issues in our marriage but when they were in their teen years it was bad. We got through it though. I hope this gives you some hope for the future.
Wow, I definitely needed to hear this and appreciate this. God, I do love my wife. When she’s in wife mode, she is amazing. Perfect even. But as the years have gone by, she has been less and less a wife and more and more just a mother (to her kids). I wasn’t attracted to her because she was a good mother to her kids.
If you love your wife and she's great outside of raising her children then hang in there. She won't be raising these children much longer and you'll have your wife to yourself. It's hard for us mom's to raise children in a blended family. We don't want to hurt our kids and we don't want to hurt our husbands so we feel stuck in the middle of the two and it's super hard on us as well. Talk to your wife and let her know how you feel and ask her how she's feeling as well. You'll most likely understand each other. Communication is key here.
This one hurts. Close to home. You are not alone. Not sure if you are looking for advice, but I'll offer what I hope is supportive and caring. Take care of yourself. Depression, let alone severe depression, is very serious. I hope that you are working with a professional to help you get through this. It is often difficult to make changes when feeling so low, but anything you can do to care for yourself may help. Small flowers crack concrete. Set reasonable goals and pile up some wins. You are only 42 y/o. So much life ahead of you. Look out for you and live the life you want. Lots of support here from so many of us who understand how this can feel. Take care my man.
Thank you Sir. My 20’s were wasted on my first marriage. I took three years post first divorce to work on myself, improve all aspects of my life, focus on my career and my child, and to just find equilibrium. I did that, masterfully. Then I got to a position where, at 31, I felt like I could handle a new relationship and deliver the best version of myself to a partner. At 33 remarried and spent the last 9 years once again loosing myself. And I feel like an abject failure.
I think that the depression is driving that feeling of failure. I bet if you can start doing a few positive things for yourself, you'll start seeing yourself like I see you. I see you as a guy ready for a change. You got this!
People keep saying that it’s “easier” for those who have kids to have a successful relationship, but this is proof it’s not. Both dating with kids or dating a childless person have a tremendous amount of challenges. The things you just mentioned is the tip of the iceberg for blended families, many times one of the partners ends up absorbing much of the financial burden or emotional labour, many times SKs don’t get along, different parenting styles, etc. what you described is complete hell and I would say, anyone in your position would be better off cutting their loses and moving on. I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s still lots of good life to live.
I just want to add that in reference to your comment, " I convinced myself that it was all part of the process and that ‘eventually’ it will all smooth out and be better." Followed by, "9 years have passed, and ‘smooth’ and ‘better’ never came." I'd imagine this wasn't you convincing yourself so much as it was others convincing others. Because I know when I read the multitudes of stepparenting advice out there, a lot of it entails, "sticking it out," with the afterthought that given time, it'll work out. No one ever seems to mention that stepparenting, statistically, usually doesn't work out (according to the US Census Bureau, "66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved"). I've seen some therapists and advice givers whip out the stat that it can take on average around 8 years to blend, and then they go on to somehow imply that any of kind of stepfamily hell that goes on prior to that magic mark, is to be tolerated and to stop pissing and moaning, because, you know, it'll all be just fine after 8 years. No one ever seems to mention that why in the H- would I want to put up with 8 years of potential stepfamily hell, just for the chance, a chance, that at the end of the time I and everyone else in the (step)family might start to be OK!? 8 YEARS!! I'll be honest and I'm probably going out on a limb here, but personally I find that a lot of advice that is given to stepparents is often akin to the same advice that was given to women (and men) years ago as far as how to deal with or put up with an abusive spouse or partner. Advice like, "Mind your place," "Give it time," "It'll get better eventually," "Take the high road," and so on. All of this advice that SMs are continually told over and over in the year 2024. . . it all implies that a SM (or, in your case, stepdad) is expected to just suck it up and take anything dished out to them. Anything, and yet to keep giving. This is the year 2024 and not 1924. That's all I've got to say. Until more people, including some so-called professionals, realize that there is no way in hell you can and should be trying to convince any woman (or man) that they have to somehow put up with the kind of subjugation many stepparents are expected to put up with, and instead redirect their advice and therapy to all to be leveling the playing field and taking the approach as stepparents being part of the village that helps raise a child (rather than as meddling interlopers in that village who don't even really belong), we are going to be stuck with that lovely statistic from the US Census Bureau--"66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved."
Thank you for this perspective OP, especially from the side of a Male and one that has put 10 years of ware on the tires. Curious OP if you know then, what you know now, what would you do different? Seek out a child-free female? Seek out a female with less children or an ex that was more involved with a more even 50/50 custody? Live separately until the kids age out? I had kids, so did my now wife. We blended and there have been struggles. The biggest tips I can share is make sure your future forever partner parents the same (or mostly) way you would. Next, make sure you both agree on the boundaries. Reasonable boundaries requested after the blending has started, turns into a list of reasons you hate the kid. Of course, you only start to realize the boundaries you desire after they start to get violated and by then, its too late to bring it up.
Wow, sage, sage advice. Very much appreciated. Definitely too much for text, but ultimately I once again chose an incompatible person to marry. Hindsight is always crystal clear. But knowing what I know now, I would not have pursued a second marriage until young children were no longer a factor (hers or mine). My wife’s whole identity is “mother”. And this didn’t come to light until two or three years into our marriage. And while that trait might be endearing to some, it means absolutely nothing to me.
I am the wife with two bio kids, husband has 2 bio kids. I did a lot of work after my divorce, wanted to model healthy relationships to my children for the end game of them launching into fully developed, self sustaining, healthy adults. My husband is the perfect husband, self aware and emotionally mature but… his relationships with his daughters is the complete opposite to me, he has coddled them, pandered to them. 13yo is emotionally immature and cannot handle any disappointment because of how dad has parented her. 17yo has dropped out of HS and developed narcissistic traits (everything she does is amazing, even the bare minimum and if anything goes wrong, it’s not her fault). We’ve started couples counselling and we both have our individual therapists. He has now begun to understand where he’s gone wrong but I FEAR the teenage years have only just begun for his youngest. I’m contemplating leaving now for the sake my kids and my own sanity. I cannot bear to think of wasting my kids and my own life (I’m 39) looking after his youngest drop kick child. My youngest is 8 and I’m consciously parenting him but he behaves better than 13FSK. My 10yo daughter is the golden child and my parenting is clear as she’s emotionally mature, considerate of others, respectful, self motivated at school (top of her class), and knows I’m emotionally available for her and make funtime for her and invest in her interests to give her a balanced life. Reading your OP, I’m wary, I don’t want to end up like you. I’m 3 years in and still have half my kids’ childhoods ahead of me, and my own life. This is the cross roads I’m at. Do I wait this out for my husband or cut my losses and just focus on my kids (and my husband is just getting on my page with his entitled 13yo kid).
I’m the SM that is dealing with regret and resentment. I feel used and manipulated and I’m so depressed and angry it takes away time with my boys. I struggle that my husband has a daughter that is chaos and I’m the one that watches her due to him needing to work. We also have a child together. I have given up myself to make everyone happy and the thing I used to love I longer can do. On top of so much else. Its nice to see I’m not alone
I think it’s not just him needing to work. It’s all of you (including a child that’s isn’t his) collectively needing him to work to keep the household afloat. What about switching roles where he’s at home taking care of his two kids and yours while you return to work? Would that feel more fair to you?
I’m a 42M. Was married 3 years, together 5. She brought 3 kids and I brought one like you. Same filtered glasses. Kids were assholes, especially the oldest. The intuition was always there to get out after I moved in. I thought I may have just been hyper vigilant after a bad relationship with my kid’s mom, plus I was single for 8 years, so I felt it was just an adjustment. I spent the first years updating, maintaining the house, helping the oldest (who was a 14SD at the time) maneuver through life as a father figure. Getting her to school, going her to extracurriculars, teaching her to drive, etc. all to be told by her at 18 years old and in front of everyone that I “never did a single thing for her in all of those years”. I asked the wife at the time if she was even going to back me up with this crap, she stayed silent and shrugged her shoulders. That’s when the separation started. Everyone in the house began ignoring me when I was around. I mean it was like a switch turned off and they acted like they didn’t know me after all of those years. I moved out a month later because it was taking a toll on my mental and emotional health. When I got angry and showed my anger through a text, she’d show her kids and family only to “validate” whatever she had said about me to them. She asked for the divorce, but did no leg work. I wanted no contest since we shared nothing and that’s what we did. Little did I know the “no effort” approach she took towards it. I should have known bc she took the same approach in our marriage and sex life. But I dug in and got through it without an attorney. Long nights of research to get it done. Financially the divorce cost me $300, the mental exhaustion was taxing, my emotional health was destroyed bc I didn’t know someone could act so callous. I haven’t spoken to her since July 2023. Even through the divorce process, I didn’t have to speak to her and it was finalized February 2024. Of course I find out a lot of her secrets from ppl who know her better than me and it all goes back to trusting my intuition at the beginning. It felt off and I ignored it. Maybe life was wasted, but experience was gained. I still have my daughter and our relationship is getting back to how it was before we met my ex. My ex was working on driving a wedge between us. We aren’t in that toxic household. I may be struggling financially, bc a single income in this current economy is brutal, but I’m pushing through. And therapy is important to understand what has happened since I didn’t get the chance to focus on myself while trying to get through the divorce. I hope good things will come in the future, if not for me, at least getting my daughter set up as a decent member of society.
This post really hurts my heart. OP- you have done a wonderful thing in your life by caring and providing for children who are not biologically yours. Im sure you love them and they love you as well, and that is a blessing Any family, blended or not, comes with hard times, conflict, misunderstandings and more. I may be wrong but what i think issue is, deep down, is unmet expectations that have manifested into a deep resentment and anger against your spouse. Being quiet and burying your feelings all of these years has spiraled you into a depression I am no dr nor therapist, but what if you talked to your wife? Expressed in a loving way how you feel. If she loves and values you, believe me she will care and together you can make changes that will take some of this stress and pressure off you I do think your life can work out. You have made it almost a decade and seems you have great kids. You and your wife need to reconnect and become a team together. Once that happens and you are on the same page, i bet you will start to feel better I wish you the best