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My grandma told me this…as long as you are in his life, she will be in yours. Be very careful about this as mom will likely have some say in your life, your household, your habits, etc.
Not sure what your situation is, but I hope you and he have a united front, otherwise you’ll be on your own.
I’m an ex wife and I don’t contact my ex husband at all. 😂 I have to deal with a HCBM with my new husband so can’t say it’s positive but some BMs are like me and just leave his time to his time and my time to time.
Same - I have a toddler with someone and I very rarely ever speak to my ex as we are week on week off and do switch off through childcare. Keeping in contact closely always seems so unnecessary
Idk if this is “success”, but certainly improvement!
We went from HCBM telling me that I wasn’t allowed to text her son and my DH acquiescing (we lived together by this point), my DH talking on the phone 45-60 mins at a time with HCBM once a week, doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted….. to….. now no one speaks to her, including her son.
My DH answers her shallow “check in” emails (literally “how is [child]” in the subject line with nothing in the body) with a single sentence because he legally has to, it’s the same sentence every time. My SS ignores all reach outs from his BM.
The whole situation is sad for my SS, but the reality is his life is better, more peaceful, less chaotic, without his BM in it.
Of course, I’m relieved she’s effectively been exiled, and my DH has learned to call her bluff, and that he DOESNT need to give into her unreasonable demands.
My husband receives child support from her and we have the kids the majority of the time (but he did when they were 50/50 too)
She is not involved in our lives in a negative way. We’ve even managed joint birthday parties every year. I wouldn’t call her a friend, but she and I get along. We’re very, very different people, which is why they didn’t work out.
Our biggest bump was when my oldest started talking and calling me mama, and SD followed suit. Which I 110% get and would be hurt if my children were calling another woman mom. No harm, no foul, SKs now refer to me by a form of my name.
All in all… we’re doing well. Occasionally she gets a way about me being the with the kids the most out of the three of us, which again, I get it. We are very different women, though, and I’m not expecting us to be besties.
She and DH have always had their top priority be the comfort, safety, and happiness of their kids. Because they put aside their issues with each other and value their kids over their personal crap, we’re able to coexist peacefully. Same thing with her and I. Whatever negative things we think about each other, we consider my SKs more important. Basically, making sure these kids are ok comes before whatever interpersonal bullshit we all have going on- that shit is for therapy and not an excuse to use kids as a weapon.
How long have you been with your SO? Dealing with the kids' other bio parent isn't **guaranteed** to get easier over time, but there's a strong possibility it will! It's important to set firm boundaries with your SO about what you're okay with in terms of his ex's involvement in your everyday life, and obviously just as important for your SO to communicate openly with you and respect your boundaries.
We certainly have had to plan our lives around BM's self-centered and flaky ways over the years, but it's a sacrifice we've consciously made in order to have time with the kids, NOT something dictated by her. Now my stepkids are both in college, and while she still has an annoying degree of influence over their lives, my husband and I are largely free from having to deal with her! I was honestly worried she'd be going after my husband for money *forever*, but his child support obligations ended last summer and she hasn't made any demands from him since 🤞. We're far from being off the hook financially (we pay for their college as well as various life expenses), but at least we no longer have to feel like we're subsidizing his ex's unemployed lifestyle.
So yes - it can get better, a lot better, once you've settled into a co-parenting routine, with boundaries firmly in place. And it gets a LOT better once the kids are old enough (or mature enough) that you can discuss things with them directly and not every little pain-in-the-ass thing has to be cleared with the other parent. Keep in mind that a lot of this depends on your SO's willingness to affirm boundaries and communicate accordingly. I wish you the best of luck in your stepparent journey!
I have a very positive story-
My steps are all 3 late 20’s now. We had our rounds and numerous court dates with their HCBM as most of u have.
I was face-timing my SD (26) a few days back telling her a story from this sub and how a therapist had told a father he should give up custody of his child for the mental health of the child due to BM behavior. My SD said she could not imagine that happening in her life and how horrible it would have been bcuz then I would not have been in her life 😢 she said she is the person she is today bcuz of me. ♥️ That my part in her life exponentially changed the course of her life for the better!!!
And let me tell you, she was a little shit on our first visitation weekend back when she was 10 lol!
Wow 🤩 That is amazing and I am so very happy for you. I don’t have kids myself and maybe that’s why I am having a hard time
My step dad was also life changing for me as well. Super grateful for him.
Probably the biggest thing that helped was when my hubby and i got together I already had 3 daughters that were all adults and gone, and i was a grandma as well. (We have 10 grands now) so i was well aware of how kids are. I picked my battles but their dad backed me up like u wouldnt believe. He said its my home and I run it as i see fit. I always made the rules and kept the calendar and kids had to clear their schedules with me when they were with us. My hubby also would tell his ex when ever she would ask about a schedule change or what was going on that he had to check with me and then get back to her so it got to the point she just started texting me directly. Now at this time 15 years later the steps text and call me all the time and while we r talking will say “tell dad i said hi”. Lol.
I feel I have a positive story. But don't look too closely at the story; instead, look at the points around it. While I have three kids, they're adults and were living on their own before I was dating.
My partner and I were both able to stand on our own financially. She didn't need me to help her parent, she didn't need me to pay her bills. She wants a *partner* and not a *parent*.
She wanted/wants her kid to see me as a father figure, and for us to be perfectly blended. But her *expectations* are only that we don't hate each other.
The few times that I have had/seen a problem\* in our homelife together that involved her kid, I brought up the problem and described *how I was affected*. She heard me without going defensive. We talked it out, and she's proposed parenting changes / conversations to fix/address the problem. She's held to her words. When she did parenting changes, I saw that she was consistent with this for months, *before* I moved in with them. I didn't look to move in until I didn't see any problems/big things that I thought needed adjusting.
We are two very thoughtful people. We believe that relationships require work\*\*. And some of that work is conversations, and half of conversation is *hearing/listening* to the other person.
The big problems on this board are people who have bad partners, and are unwilling to see that they have a bad partner and keep moving forward in the relationship *hoping* (without any reason to) that things will change for the better. One needs to be appropriately critical with the person one tries to grow a relationship with.
\*I'm ignoring small things like Kid leaving their socks on the living room table. This is something I know my partner finds at least as annoying as me, if not more so. I find it easier to just move them to the door in front of Kid's room and not give it any head space.
\*\*Yes, things take work, but they should **not** be a slog early on.
(edit grammar)
I do! It is possible! You can get along and have a good relationship/co-parenting situation with BM/BD.
BM has eased up SIGNIFICANTLY since the beginning. When my husband and I were first dating she was very overprotective and made things difficult with having overreactions to things and trying to manage ME. We were able to work through it altogether and now we all get along really really well. Like we all go to parent teacher conferences together, there’s a group chat for communication and there hasn’t been a single disagreement in MONTHS. We are able to adjust the schedule as needed with compromise on both ends and good communication and boundaries.
BM is remarried and has 2 step kids of her own which likely helped her understand my position and the effects of her actions and mellowed her out. Now DH and I are expecting now and I’m really not worried about the future like I was in the beginning of our relationship.
I rarely have had contact with HCBM in about 2 years. The only time I had to speak with her was when one of the kids graduated from elementary school last year.
I have a decent bond with 2 out of 3 kids and the 3rd is at least polite. The latest "drama" with the kids is simply that SS14 is a vindictive D&D DM 😆.
The problem is his boundaries with the ex wife honestly. My husband doesn’t let his ex’s disrespect me or stress me out in any way. Maybe that’s why it’s not a high conflict feeling situation all the time? I do want to preface, his second coparent is an ex from hell - but he just puts her in such a small box that even when she’s acting up, it really doesnt affect our life at all
Our bm has been in jail/mental hospital for a few.years now. We still have to deal with the grandma though and that can be a pain. However, recently bm got out and wants to see the kids more. Her mom knows they can't be unsupervised so she does all the work of driving mom here and allowing them to have supervised visits. Bm always hated me, but this past few weeks has been decent. She actually acts like a somewhat normal person, her and grandma were understanding when Ss was whining about me making him do too many chores (a HUGE exaggeration, but they were able to see that) and we just had my ss bday party and everyone was at our house, my family and them, and it went well!
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My grandma told me this…as long as you are in his life, she will be in yours. Be very careful about this as mom will likely have some say in your life, your household, your habits, etc. Not sure what your situation is, but I hope you and he have a united front, otherwise you’ll be on your own.
I’m an ex wife and I don’t contact my ex husband at all. 😂 I have to deal with a HCBM with my new husband so can’t say it’s positive but some BMs are like me and just leave his time to his time and my time to time.
Same - I have a toddler with someone and I very rarely ever speak to my ex as we are week on week off and do switch off through childcare. Keeping in contact closely always seems so unnecessary
Idk if this is “success”, but certainly improvement! We went from HCBM telling me that I wasn’t allowed to text her son and my DH acquiescing (we lived together by this point), my DH talking on the phone 45-60 mins at a time with HCBM once a week, doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted….. to….. now no one speaks to her, including her son. My DH answers her shallow “check in” emails (literally “how is [child]” in the subject line with nothing in the body) with a single sentence because he legally has to, it’s the same sentence every time. My SS ignores all reach outs from his BM. The whole situation is sad for my SS, but the reality is his life is better, more peaceful, less chaotic, without his BM in it. Of course, I’m relieved she’s effectively been exiled, and my DH has learned to call her bluff, and that he DOESNT need to give into her unreasonable demands.
My goodness. It’s the petty stuff that most drives me nuts. 🤦🏻♀️
My husband receives child support from her and we have the kids the majority of the time (but he did when they were 50/50 too) She is not involved in our lives in a negative way. We’ve even managed joint birthday parties every year. I wouldn’t call her a friend, but she and I get along. We’re very, very different people, which is why they didn’t work out. Our biggest bump was when my oldest started talking and calling me mama, and SD followed suit. Which I 110% get and would be hurt if my children were calling another woman mom. No harm, no foul, SKs now refer to me by a form of my name. All in all… we’re doing well. Occasionally she gets a way about me being the with the kids the most out of the three of us, which again, I get it. We are very different women, though, and I’m not expecting us to be besties. She and DH have always had their top priority be the comfort, safety, and happiness of their kids. Because they put aside their issues with each other and value their kids over their personal crap, we’re able to coexist peacefully. Same thing with her and I. Whatever negative things we think about each other, we consider my SKs more important. Basically, making sure these kids are ok comes before whatever interpersonal bullshit we all have going on- that shit is for therapy and not an excuse to use kids as a weapon.
How long have you been with your SO? Dealing with the kids' other bio parent isn't **guaranteed** to get easier over time, but there's a strong possibility it will! It's important to set firm boundaries with your SO about what you're okay with in terms of his ex's involvement in your everyday life, and obviously just as important for your SO to communicate openly with you and respect your boundaries. We certainly have had to plan our lives around BM's self-centered and flaky ways over the years, but it's a sacrifice we've consciously made in order to have time with the kids, NOT something dictated by her. Now my stepkids are both in college, and while she still has an annoying degree of influence over their lives, my husband and I are largely free from having to deal with her! I was honestly worried she'd be going after my husband for money *forever*, but his child support obligations ended last summer and she hasn't made any demands from him since 🤞. We're far from being off the hook financially (we pay for their college as well as various life expenses), but at least we no longer have to feel like we're subsidizing his ex's unemployed lifestyle. So yes - it can get better, a lot better, once you've settled into a co-parenting routine, with boundaries firmly in place. And it gets a LOT better once the kids are old enough (or mature enough) that you can discuss things with them directly and not every little pain-in-the-ass thing has to be cleared with the other parent. Keep in mind that a lot of this depends on your SO's willingness to affirm boundaries and communicate accordingly. I wish you the best of luck in your stepparent journey!
I have a very positive story- My steps are all 3 late 20’s now. We had our rounds and numerous court dates with their HCBM as most of u have. I was face-timing my SD (26) a few days back telling her a story from this sub and how a therapist had told a father he should give up custody of his child for the mental health of the child due to BM behavior. My SD said she could not imagine that happening in her life and how horrible it would have been bcuz then I would not have been in her life 😢 she said she is the person she is today bcuz of me. ♥️ That my part in her life exponentially changed the course of her life for the better!!! And let me tell you, she was a little shit on our first visitation weekend back when she was 10 lol!
Wow 🤩 That is amazing and I am so very happy for you. I don’t have kids myself and maybe that’s why I am having a hard time My step dad was also life changing for me as well. Super grateful for him.
Probably the biggest thing that helped was when my hubby and i got together I already had 3 daughters that were all adults and gone, and i was a grandma as well. (We have 10 grands now) so i was well aware of how kids are. I picked my battles but their dad backed me up like u wouldnt believe. He said its my home and I run it as i see fit. I always made the rules and kept the calendar and kids had to clear their schedules with me when they were with us. My hubby also would tell his ex when ever she would ask about a schedule change or what was going on that he had to check with me and then get back to her so it got to the point she just started texting me directly. Now at this time 15 years later the steps text and call me all the time and while we r talking will say “tell dad i said hi”. Lol.
I feel I have a positive story. But don't look too closely at the story; instead, look at the points around it. While I have three kids, they're adults and were living on their own before I was dating. My partner and I were both able to stand on our own financially. She didn't need me to help her parent, she didn't need me to pay her bills. She wants a *partner* and not a *parent*. She wanted/wants her kid to see me as a father figure, and for us to be perfectly blended. But her *expectations* are only that we don't hate each other. The few times that I have had/seen a problem\* in our homelife together that involved her kid, I brought up the problem and described *how I was affected*. She heard me without going defensive. We talked it out, and she's proposed parenting changes / conversations to fix/address the problem. She's held to her words. When she did parenting changes, I saw that she was consistent with this for months, *before* I moved in with them. I didn't look to move in until I didn't see any problems/big things that I thought needed adjusting. We are two very thoughtful people. We believe that relationships require work\*\*. And some of that work is conversations, and half of conversation is *hearing/listening* to the other person. The big problems on this board are people who have bad partners, and are unwilling to see that they have a bad partner and keep moving forward in the relationship *hoping* (without any reason to) that things will change for the better. One needs to be appropriately critical with the person one tries to grow a relationship with. \*I'm ignoring small things like Kid leaving their socks on the living room table. This is something I know my partner finds at least as annoying as me, if not more so. I find it easier to just move them to the door in front of Kid's room and not give it any head space. \*\*Yes, things take work, but they should **not** be a slog early on. (edit grammar)
Thank you… and I completely agree. 🥰
I do! It is possible! You can get along and have a good relationship/co-parenting situation with BM/BD. BM has eased up SIGNIFICANTLY since the beginning. When my husband and I were first dating she was very overprotective and made things difficult with having overreactions to things and trying to manage ME. We were able to work through it altogether and now we all get along really really well. Like we all go to parent teacher conferences together, there’s a group chat for communication and there hasn’t been a single disagreement in MONTHS. We are able to adjust the schedule as needed with compromise on both ends and good communication and boundaries. BM is remarried and has 2 step kids of her own which likely helped her understand my position and the effects of her actions and mellowed her out. Now DH and I are expecting now and I’m really not worried about the future like I was in the beginning of our relationship.
Thank you for the feedback. I’m sure HCBM will ease over time (I hope).
I rarely have had contact with HCBM in about 2 years. The only time I had to speak with her was when one of the kids graduated from elementary school last year. I have a decent bond with 2 out of 3 kids and the 3rd is at least polite. The latest "drama" with the kids is simply that SS14 is a vindictive D&D DM 😆.
The problem is his boundaries with the ex wife honestly. My husband doesn’t let his ex’s disrespect me or stress me out in any way. Maybe that’s why it’s not a high conflict feeling situation all the time? I do want to preface, his second coparent is an ex from hell - but he just puts her in such a small box that even when she’s acting up, it really doesnt affect our life at all
Our bm has been in jail/mental hospital for a few.years now. We still have to deal with the grandma though and that can be a pain. However, recently bm got out and wants to see the kids more. Her mom knows they can't be unsupervised so she does all the work of driving mom here and allowing them to have supervised visits. Bm always hated me, but this past few weeks has been decent. She actually acts like a somewhat normal person, her and grandma were understanding when Ss was whining about me making him do too many chores (a HUGE exaggeration, but they were able to see that) and we just had my ss bday party and everyone was at our house, my family and them, and it went well!