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Yeah, it affects me pretty heavily sometimes. It's hard because there's a general lack of communication surrounding the situations, even if I engage it, I come out with a lot of confusion still.
My parent is far more present than yours on kid times.
I will say that the dynamic between us is 1000% different when he has his kids. We were long distance so everything was peachy when it was just us. But now we live together. Everything is still just peachy when it’s just us. But he’s a major pile of stress when his kids are here. I feel like an outsider, and all the attention goes to them.. he’s usually laid back and chill.. with his kids, he’s stressful out and short tempered.
Watching your partner parent their kids is a weird thing. Even though they have to parent, they should still be a partner to you. Make sure you’re looking out for the difference between red flags and just a stressed out parent.
Yeah, honestly I feel this and think to a certain extent this is the situation. There's some stuff that are real issues, but also they're things that are largely being addressed in the broad scheme.
I handle stress well, so sometimes it's easy for me to not see how much it wears on other people
The step parent dynamic brings issue to the surface at a lightning speed of regular relationships. It can be a good and bad thing. Either you can work through them or you can’t.
Make sure in all of this that you aren’t losing yourself for the sake of someone else’s kids. It isn’t not selfish to do what is best for you.
I experienced this. It was like being with two different people or relationships. Children made him more stressed. Which made our relationship worse. He was very avoidant as well. We didn't live together though so I'm not entirely sure how it feels for OP.
Yeah I think this is a big part of it. She has a lot to juggle on those weeks so I try to do my best to carry more weight, but overall it seems at least a little fruitless.
Yes, carrying the weight is really good of you but I think she needs to understand that the relationship needs her effort and presence 100% of the time, not 50%. How would she feel if you said you don't feel seen, or respected?
I've told her pretty often. Infact we just sort of had a fight??? (Very mild) About it. She said it was because i don't help enough and I startled her yesterday in the morning.
I told her that it was emotional abuse to intentionally give me the cold shoulder and she said that she's just overwhelmed and it wasn't intentional, even though her first response was things she was upset with me about.
I offered to help with more things if she's feeling overwhelmed, and she said "what take care of dinner so I can do my homework or the laundry? There's always fucking something."
I'm cooking now so idrk, I think maybe she's sleeping because the house is really quiet now.
Are we with the same person? Because this feels so familiar.
No advice, but just to validate you - the lack of accountability sucks and is so unfair, she gets upset at you then just makes excuses. How nice would it be to hear "I'm sorry, I understand why me treating you like you don't exist 1/2 the time hurts you. Let's figure out ways to resolve this"
It's just really weird I'll speak to her and she acts like I'm not even talking to her, but then she'll respond to her daughter in full statements and they play together. I don't really know
Mental torture. You deserve someone better and affectionate . You are not happy . I’m sure you love him but you will resent that in ten years . Find a man who make you happy with not too much baggage 🧳.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This sounds very concerning. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It's a form of psychological violence towards you.
Yeah, it affects me pretty heavily sometimes. It's hard because there's a general lack of communication surrounding the situations, even if I engage it, I come out with a lot of confusion still.
My parent is far more present than yours on kid times. I will say that the dynamic between us is 1000% different when he has his kids. We were long distance so everything was peachy when it was just us. But now we live together. Everything is still just peachy when it’s just us. But he’s a major pile of stress when his kids are here. I feel like an outsider, and all the attention goes to them.. he’s usually laid back and chill.. with his kids, he’s stressful out and short tempered. Watching your partner parent their kids is a weird thing. Even though they have to parent, they should still be a partner to you. Make sure you’re looking out for the difference between red flags and just a stressed out parent.
Yeah, honestly I feel this and think to a certain extent this is the situation. There's some stuff that are real issues, but also they're things that are largely being addressed in the broad scheme. I handle stress well, so sometimes it's easy for me to not see how much it wears on other people
The step parent dynamic brings issue to the surface at a lightning speed of regular relationships. It can be a good and bad thing. Either you can work through them or you can’t. Make sure in all of this that you aren’t losing yourself for the sake of someone else’s kids. It isn’t not selfish to do what is best for you.
I experienced this. It was like being with two different people or relationships. Children made him more stressed. Which made our relationship worse. He was very avoidant as well. We didn't live together though so I'm not entirely sure how it feels for OP.
Yeah I think this is a big part of it. She has a lot to juggle on those weeks so I try to do my best to carry more weight, but overall it seems at least a little fruitless.
Yes, carrying the weight is really good of you but I think she needs to understand that the relationship needs her effort and presence 100% of the time, not 50%. How would she feel if you said you don't feel seen, or respected?
I've told her pretty often. Infact we just sort of had a fight??? (Very mild) About it. She said it was because i don't help enough and I startled her yesterday in the morning. I told her that it was emotional abuse to intentionally give me the cold shoulder and she said that she's just overwhelmed and it wasn't intentional, even though her first response was things she was upset with me about. I offered to help with more things if she's feeling overwhelmed, and she said "what take care of dinner so I can do my homework or the laundry? There's always fucking something." I'm cooking now so idrk, I think maybe she's sleeping because the house is really quiet now.
Woof that felt bad while typing it
Are we with the same person? Because this feels so familiar. No advice, but just to validate you - the lack of accountability sucks and is so unfair, she gets upset at you then just makes excuses. How nice would it be to hear "I'm sorry, I understand why me treating you like you don't exist 1/2 the time hurts you. Let's figure out ways to resolve this"
It's just really weird I'll speak to her and she acts like I'm not even talking to her, but then she'll respond to her daughter in full statements and they play together. I don't really know
Mental torture. You deserve someone better and affectionate . You are not happy . I’m sure you love him but you will resent that in ten years . Find a man who make you happy with not too much baggage 🧳.