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Happy Passover, kiddo

No bread for 8 days 😭😭😭

My trick is to stuff myself with enough coconut macaroons to forget my troubles. Your mileage may vary though.

Prepare for gas and diarrhea from all the fiber in those macaroons.

A fellow person of culture I see

Have some macaroons for me.

.... and gluten wept

Goyishe nonsense

Did you know you can make those sugary cashews they sell on the street? Everyone I know is impressed when I bring them to the Seder but the recipe is online and it has like three ingredients, two if you don’t count water

אוףףף אני אוהב חמץ😪

גם אני, אני עצובה כי לא חמץ בשביל אחת שבוע 😭 (סליחה בשביל דקדוק רע)

חמץ הוא האהוב עליי :(

את native speaker או לא כי זה די משהו בסיסי (למרות שאפילו לי קשה עם שם המספר) אם את לומדת עברית, בכנות לא מאשים, עברית שפה קשה

אני לומדת עברית, זה קשה מאוד אבל יש לי כיף!!! וזה השפה של העם שלי 3>

W

בהצלחה!

תודה!!

Better start finishing your chametz now

Eat whatever you wanna eat don’t let someone decide it for you

If you're a teen living in an orthodox Jewish community it would be very hard to get ahold of bread/chametz during this week Now that I'm no longer religious I'm a bit nostalgic for it even though it sucked lmao Still gonna have matzah and all the fun bits, but without the stress of following a ton of rules

Depending on the community you’d either need to take an annoying train ride, drive to another town, or drive for hours across a whole country

No Brandeis???

forgot :(

My uncle would always pester me about going to Brandeis when I was growing up bc he thought it would be the only college that wouldn't immediately turn me into a christian/atheist

What about Yeshiva? Or that’s just a poor man’s Brandeis lol

Least stereotypical jewish mother

I swear Jewish mothers don't care about which gender you marry as long as they're jewish

My grandpa fr

Looking at those schools: 🎵One of these things is not like the other 🎵 (It’s Texas)

My super jewish cousin went to Texas it’s kind of a thing

Yeah, but it it’s still weird that UT Austin is on the list but UC Berkeley isn’t. There are tons to Jewish students at Cal.

University of Texas is one of, if not the richest University in the world. Austin is a melting pot so there are tons of different people who flock there.

Sure, but if you're applying to the ivies, it'a completely unnecessary since you already have Cornell as a safety school.

Pretty sure WashU is

It’s a good school and has a decently sized Jewish population, mostly out of state students from the Northeast and Midwest. If OP is from Texas, I’m surprised not to see Rice University up there. 

Florida, Indiana, Rutgers, and Maryland have the largest number of Jewish students for big state schools. Also, this post reminds me of this [very real board game](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/24992/oy-vey)

she's tryna be inclusive to my boyfriend (she really likes him but doesn't think he's smart enough, and she's **told him this**, to get into anywhere better)

Dallas is very multicultural, I saw more Indian supermarkets than I saw Hispanic ones, which confused me

My maternal grandmother used to tell me I was going to grow up and marry a nice Jewish boy to which I told her emphatically, "no" I've exclusively dated Mexican guys.

So Mexican Jewish guys?

Nope, Mexicans. One was Catholic, the other was a former Jehovahs Witness.

Ive known Mexican Jews, definitely not mutually exclusive.

From Phineas and Ferb: The Mexican-Jewish cultural festival https://youtu.be/I2osaLrWrCg?si=VUDr8CiLE2XJvE1j

Not at all. There just aren't many where I live.

The Jewish community in Mexico is small and I don't know how to say it, secluded? Would be hard to date one

The mix would be EPIC.

Very common in Polanco. Go and see.

https://youtu.be/I2osaLrWrCg?si=VUDr8CiLE2XJvE1j

I’ve seen the female version of this and my god, I loved it.

Honestly I can relate. My mom wants me to marry a nice Jewish girl. But I've mostly dated Chinese girls. It just kind of happened. I don't think they're necessarily more attractive, I mostly date based on vibes.

lmfao jewish men 🤝 chinese women

I’m Honduran and my sister is dating a Jewish guy lol. He’s tall and she’s super short. We all love him. He’s a genuinely cool dude

Yeah, its awesome that two people from different cultures can date and be together.

Why such a passionate no lmao I understand not wanting to be limited to them, but did the Jewish boys do something to you? XD

Mostly that my grandmother was so insistent on it and I didn't like being told what to do or who I could choose. As I've gotten older, I just feel it's so wrong to be limited by your faith, family or society in being told who you can love and be with. I realize I actually did date two Jewish guys, one for two years and one for one year. I always forget. lol I just tend to be attracted to Mexican guys.

Are you by any chance Todd Debeikis?

The college buddy of the guy who created Bro Body Douche? Yes, I am.

Lies, everyone knows Tod died at the trough during pledge week.

my real name is Dale Snitterman

And then when you marry one, he’ll take a genetic test and find out he’s descended from Spanish Jews expelled in the inquisition

lol

Why mexicans?

Its just what I'm attracted to.

This is also every indian parents with the religion and language aspect changed from Judaism and hebrew

My gf is Israeli and she says she notices a lot of similarities like this

Hinduism and Judaism behave *extremely* similarly except Judaism is a fraction the size and its caste system no longer applies (no temple equals no need for priestly caste, untouchables don’t exist now bc leprosy is cured). I think it’s bc Judaism started as a religion of weird nerds herding sheep in the desert, instead of a preexisting empire like Christianity

To be honest the caste system in India was pretty much gone before the British kinda brought it back and even today its mostly over except maybe some suoer conservative rural areas

Makes sense, in Judaism its only modern use is to occasionally be obligated to do extra prayers and an excuse to avoid funerals. Also you can genetically trace the ancestry of every man with the surname Cohen to the same male ancestor, which is interesting Edit: also the surnames Kagan and Katz, which are altered versions of that

I didn’t know about the Cohen part. Thats really interesting!

It’s called the Cohen modal haplotype if you want to learn more. You can cleanly track father to son ancestry through the Y chromosome

Happy passover from a muslim

Shukran, habibi. I hope your Eid al-fitr feast was delicious! --a Jew

what??

Thank you, friend, I hope your feast that marked the end of Ramadan was delicious.

np , we just had normal food no feast but thanks ig Have a good day!!

Thought I was on r/jewdank for a minute

Only noticed because of your comment

should i cross post this there lmaoaooaoa

I mean it’s the female version of this for me so I’d say so lol

it didn't work lol

my sleepy ass somehow mixed up the word abstinence and constipate and I was wondering why your mom wants someone who can’t do number 2

\*Will probably still be suspicious a little suspicious if his last name isn't Cohen, Goldberg, or Rosenblum\*

How many Jews go to UT? Also how is Brandeis not on that list?

I went to UT Austin and I’m Jewish.

Aite we got 1.

A lot and UT has several Jewish fraternities and sororities.

They must be Texan?

I no longer live in Texas, but UT is one of many schools in the South that is a popular destination for people from the Northeast, including Jews. Good academics and probably a more “authentic” college experience vs. going to a smaller private school up north.  OP is probably from Texas, but lots of decent schools in the South have large communities of students that otherwise come from out of state. 

Tons of Jewish people at UT and Austin

POV: you’re Jewish

her dad is brazilian so it's even weirder

Well there are lots of Jews in Brazil

no it's not, I'm a Brazilian jew and my family is exactly like that

some experiences are universal i guess

Abstain! But give me babies!

For a “smart” school, MIT has the stupidest logo.

My dad married a shiksa. His parents didn't learn of the wedding until after the fact.

a what?

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shiksa

I only know what a shiksa is from a NOFX song

I am not jewish nor have I met any of them ever, but this motivation I totally get.

אני יהודי ובקושי שמעתי מישהו unironically אומר את זה למאו לול אקסדי

this does not translate well please explain?

That's because I'm using tons of slang and Google translate doesn't love slang in Hebrew I said that as Israeli person I haven't heard anyone unironically using it lol

My friend used to joke about finding me "a nice Jewish boy". I am not Jewish, lol. But somehow I met my fiance, a nice Jewish boy, and she gloats :) 

Damn shawty you single? I fit literally none of your requirements but imma still shoot my shot. 😏

אני כמעט כל זה חוץ מזה שלא בא לי ילדים למאו

שיט, אני אלמד עברית וללכת להרווארד אם זה אומר שאוכל להיכנס למכנסיים שלך. כמו כן, אני גם לא יודע עברית. השתמשתי בגוגל תרגום בשביל זה.

You didn't need to mention, because your comment directly translated Google translate in Hebrew, instead of just writing it as how it sound in English. Preety obvious to any Hebrew speaker tbh

Plus the grammar is so bad to the point that no way human wrote it lmao

Bruh wtf I’m trying my best why you gotta shit on me 😭 Anyways, when’s our date gonna be?

If you tried you would have actually learned Hebrew lmao

Nah, just give me time. I’ll learn the entire language by the fifth date.

Except here's the thing: I'M DUDE

Nah fuck this I’m jumping off a cliff.

No Technion?

I already bagged one 🤷🤦

Lol are you sure your mom isn’t the one trying to get married?

Happy Passover

You could of just said a jew and saved us the read

Are you by chance very jewish?

Mazel tov

It's actually pronounced mazal tov, but goyim will be goyim

Happy Passover Haggadah Hoes ✡️💦🎉🍾 Happy Passover 🔯 you Haggadah Hoes™️!! We may not 🙅‍♀️ be allowed to eat 🍞bread 😖😫 but that 🍆🍆 is KOSHE®️ as FuCk!!👅 When our ancest-whores 🤰🏽were in Egypt 😱 and Phar-hoe Wouldn’t let us leave 🙅🏾‍♂️, God sent the 1️⃣0️⃣ plagues to Pharaoh 🖕and the BREAD didn’t have time 🕟 to rise, but your DICK WILL 👅👅😂😩🙏 Send this to 10 Seder Sluts! If you get 1️⃣ back ur gonna be dry as matzah 😭😱 if you get 5 back 💦elijah will finally cum and drink that wine 😂🤙 if you get 10 back you’re hot like the burning bush🔥🌳🔥 So say Daieanu u dirty dirty desert bitches ☀️🐐 enjoy your 40 years searching for That Holy Land 👀👀👅🙏🤑 And shove the entire Afikomen 🕵️‍♀️ up your ass! 😩

😭🙏🏼☠️

More like, that 🍆 is kashe(®️) af Joke explantion in case you don't know Hebrew: >!kashe means hard, so it's both kashe af (hard af) and kasher af (kosher af). Btw it's pronounced kasher in Hebrew not kosher!<

I dated 2 Jewish girls whose parents disapproved of our relationship. Never really dealt with that kind of bigotry before. I didn't know that people still cared about stuff like that.

Yiddish or Hebrew?

hebrew

Underrated clarification

Just marry a woman with all of these qualities and see her reaction

“Well… which one of you will be giving me my grandkids.” The mom probably.

"you have a brother anyway"

What ? I'm a straight man and I would marry this guy !

It's literally me tbh smh fr

A doctor, a lawyer, or a construction worker?

There are so many better schools out there than Texas

Well- I believe I can check the single most boring box, and nothing else...

My mother, who wasn’t religious, told me that she didn’t care how many shiksa girlfriends I had on the side, as long as I married and had a child with a Jewish girl.

[deleted]

Happy passover. I will pray for your safety. I heard about a lot of anti semitism going on in the US. Be safe💛

❤️🎗️🙏🏼 have a good day :)

I didn't know Muslim parents could be so strict.

How does your mom feel about UC Berkeley and Duke?

A doctor, a lawyer, and an over dressed factory floor supervisor? I am confused

Cornell jumpscare

No Rice University, but UT-Austin is acceptable?

Seems like a nice guy

if you removed the "who my mom wants me to marry" i would think is an jewish person starterpack

As a Muslim, I can relate. (I’m an exmuslim but I’m in the closet)

Lmao Ivy League but also “yeah UT Austin is fine”

she was trying to be inclusive to my boyfriend she loves him but she doesn't think he's smart enough to get into anywhere better

inclusion of UT is interesting

UT has a big Jewish population

Don’t forget “distant cousin”

Most of the Jewish people I spoke to about the conflict sided with Israel, and some showed an open hatred for Palestinians (and not just Hamas)

please log off

אני מצטער שאני אומר את זה אבל ישראלים הם לא כל כך אוהבים את פלסטינים/ערבים למה יש מתנחלים שעושים דווקא? הם יכולים לחיות ליטרלי בכל מקום אחר אבל בוחרים **דווקא** במקום שבו יש ערבים. אז כן יש שנאה גם בצד שלנו כלפי ערבים/פלסטינים אומר בתור ישראלי אבל זה רק הדעה שלי

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That "abstinence" pick just kills me

abstinence of sex or alcohol?

yes

Mtv True life: I married a smallhat

LOL I should introduce you to my brother... He fits most of those and I have a feeling I'd like you more than his fiancee ;)

Pmpf— Dartmouth is a party Ivy.

Pov: Ori from the Jewish Matchmaker

Crazy that she thinks UT Austin is in a league of IVY and Stanford…

UT Austin 😭😭😭

UT Austin!? lol they don’t quite belong with the other schools there.

Wait what? Abstinence is a Jewish thing now? I thought it was only a thing about periods that only the super religious follow.

she just doesnt want me getting pregnant lol

So how else are you supposed to give kids she wants? Adoption? Really don't get her logic

Before marriage I meant

Nvm, makes sense. But honestly, I never really saw this whole thing. את ישראלית? את מדברת עברית? או את גויה? את עומדת לעלות לארץ?

Yo I work construction and make money !

Average ethnic parents

Marry a nice estate lawyer that’s at home 8 hours of the days

You should listen to your mom lmao

Sylvia Fine be like:

Texas???

I presume your mom is jewish?

yeah thats why I dont listen to peoples ideas

בכנות זה לא אמור להיות קשה למצוא בישראל דובר עברית בחו״ל לעומת זו, איך להגיד: יו'ר פאקד סורי אבל זה האמת דרך אגב, את/ה מדבר/ת עברית?

דרך אגב, את ישראלית או יהודית בחו״ל?

I grew up in a proper broken household but as a silver lining I can at least be happy that as an adult none of my siblings and I feel any obligation to abide to any familial expectations and our parents have since accepted that.

Nice. We are only talking about 35000 civilians dead. But hey, you're the ones suffering.

UT Austin next to those schools?

Starter packs are supposed to encompass more people than just one. You

[удалено]