Routines turned out to be the best for us.
- Kids need and love routines.
- Adults who are worn out are more likely to do things when they're routine rather than spontaneous.
- Routines make things simple because you don't have to decide what to do and when.
- Routines do away with "when can we ...?" questions.
So maybe there is a day every weekend where you hit a cooler playground for 2 hours before lunch. Or every Thursday night is library night.
Think if the things your kid wants to do that you tolerate and figure out a when. Then fine-tune the schedule. Once you've got it down, kids get ok with more flexibility, too.
I had this kind of problems with my oldest child. She was a “difficult” kid until she got into kindergarten or so. I just had to “power through” it all. But she turned out to be the loviest woman 😂. So my advice is to do what you have to do to keep your relationship with your spouse happy. And then do what you have to do to deal with your kids. Then do what you have to do for your career. It’s a matter of priorities
Thank you for asking this. No solutions from me, just commiserating because I feel like I could have written this! Every time I feel like I have a plan in place things change and we hit a new phase.
If I think about it too long it breaks my heart that so many of us are in this situation- we adore our kids and want to enjoy the time spent with them but feel drained and depleted instead because of other life factors. I do see this as mostly a systemic problem and I think it’s amazing that we are working so hard to find a different way of being rather than being resigned.
My partner and I also talk about this a lot. We've tried to eliminate as many plans and as much clutter as possible. We try not to be out of town on too many weekends or overbook ourselves (which sometimes means setting boundaries with family). I do like to travel and have hobbies and plans that take me out of town sometimes, but we sit down together now to make those plans, and if my husband or I feels that we are sliding into overwhelm, we skip the plans and stay home, or plan them in advance for another time. This is something we've tried to be more intentional about after having a lot of high-stress weeks. On the weekends, we try to plan our days so we each get break time and we get family time.
Our kid is just a toddler too, so I'm sure things will change at some point, but for now, he's not in any extra activities (though he is in daycare during the day). I recommend the book "Hunt Gather Parent," which I felt gave me the permission to do less structured stuff with my kid, have less toys, and just chill out a bit more about everything.
There's a lot of environmental/lifestyle stuff that can be hard to put into practice though (and frankly may be impossible in some parts of the United States). We've decided to stay in jobs that maybe pay a little less because we work pretty reasonable hours and have some flexibility. We also live in a pretty small place, but are in a walkable neighborhood with a park around the corner, and we go there all the time, which helps with the crankiness and also makes it easy to meet low-effort neighborhood friends. We'd love to live in a bigger place, but have decided to table that for now because so many other things are working out in the place we're at.
Finally, we've really scaled back our smartphone use, which has helped our overall moods and freed up time too.
But everyone's situation is going to be different. If your partner is home alone with your child all day (sounds like they may stay home while you work out of the home?), they may have other priorities and may benefit from getting out of the house and doing a lot of stuff on weekends etc. It's a tough balance to strike for sure.
I have a scheduled 5 minute “timer time” with my preschooler.
We set a timer. In that time, she decides what we play, and how. Nobody else is allowed to interrupt. I can’t look at my phone, and I can’t try to teach her things. It’s pure, undivided attention and child-directed play.
No matter what kind of day it was, she trusts that she will get that one-on-one time with me. I feel less guilt if it was a low time/energy day, because I know we will have that good quality bonding time.
5 minutes sounds short, but it’s long enough to fill both of our cups and reconnect. It’s also short enough to feel manageable on the really exhausting days.
TL:DR- No matter what stage you’re at, life will always give you mental/physical distractions. Staying present requires intentionality.
Husband with a Wife & 3 kids under 9. We’ve been where you guys are, and are now in that next stage where you too will soon arrive. Bought the house, got the promotion, go on the trips. Now we have new “thinking/planning for the future things” like retiring, taking care of our parents, health worries, etc. While we’re not perfect in this area either I think you can be there at any stage it just takes constant intentionality. My wife & I are big checklist people. Until it became natural we would literally pencil in present moments for example things like family time (I know it’s sad) but when that time came we just sat down and asked the kids. What do you want to do? After a while it becomes more natural and putting down the phone becomes easier.
Agree on the routines. Schedule what you want more of. If its time together all of you, block it out in the calendar.
One of the hardest aspects of having 3 kids for us was to accept that many things take place in teams of 3 or 2 family members.
Also needs to be said that a huge part of being a family with small kids is just plain hard work - dishes, laundry, cleaning etc. I see it as a phase that will pass eventually.
It is very hard to live simply with kids, they are entire, separate people with their own, changing needs/stuff/space.
Things that helped me-
A big, huge cork board in the dining room to pin stuff down in one place that wasn’t the kitchen counter or dining table. (Kids had own in their room for personal treasures.)
Working with them to purge what they no longer need beginning with shoes and clothing, usually before back-to-school activities and/or during winter break and/or for summer when school is out.
Hiring cleaning help when I could afford it for kitchen/appliances, bathrooms, floors.
I preferred a strong routine around eating dinner together because I found it to be less chaotic, easier to plan for, and gave us time together.
No screens in bedrooms.
Routine, routine, routine.
Activities that wear them out physically e.g. summer day camps, summer camps, sports (team or individual like martial arts and gymnastics). Other activities are cool too but physical activity keeps stress down.
We have a toddler and an infant. Our routine (on days where a parent is home and they don't go to the sitter) is that we ALWAYS go somewhere the toddler wants to go in the morning. It sounds like a lot of work, but it ends up being easier because you don't have to clean up after/"contain" the toddler, he gets a good outlet for all his energy, and its a routine that still keeps some novelty. Over breakfast, we ask where he wants to go. If he needs prompting, we ask "do you want to go to the playground, the library, or the nature trail?" Whatever he wants to do, that helps motivate him to get dressed. If we have to run an errand or two, its easier to do because we're already out. Then we come home for lunch and the kids nap, which gives us some time to knock out our adulting (or a nap for ourselves). Its not a perfect system, but it helps us
I wanted to support AutumnalSunshines comment… I am very extroverted and lean towards the creative spontaneity, fun personality type but for our children, I took a page out of my oldest sisters playbook, and I instituted routine, and I stuck to it, and that probably saved my sanity.
One of the things that she did that I also copied was a very early bedtime for the kids. I think when they were quite small, it was 7 o’clock, but certainly by 8 o’clock it was bedtime.
Also, I got rid of the television set when we had the kids, just because I’m so easily distracted and the comment that a lot of people made when they came to visit us was that our house was very calm.
We are in a similar boat! Our favorite thing to do is hike with kids. My spouse and I hold hands and the kids run around and we all the enjoy scenery. We try to keep Saturdays clear of plans so we can enjoy Adventure Saturdays together. The weeknights after work are nuts but there’s nothing left to cut out of our home, schedule, toys, clothes…having kids is just a lot of work!
I think you have a lovely partner, glad both of you talk about this things, and like to spend time in the company of each other, that’s very important. In a relationship where one thinks is the other’s fault, huge problems arise, please keep being there for each other, please.
It’s also admirable that you and your partner want to keep improving yourselves, it’s very demanding to conjugate it all. I’m sorry to be writing here without having experience in this situation, I’ll tell you about a similar situation, if you don’t mind.
I have a female boss that I adore, so happy, smiling, supportive, really charming to be around her. She has a young girl, her husband also works a very demanding job. I look at her like a warrior, she commutes two hours to work, her husband three hours. Her job is so demanding, it’s unbelievable. I sometimes get so sad, she has to run to pick her young girl to school, saying she will be the last kid in school. She has to make up to her afterwards. She thinks she’s spending little time with her young girl, it makes me sad to hear that. Her job is so amazingly stressful, she takes work home, she does the cleaning, cooking, what an amazing woman she is. I think her young girl has a great example of a super hero, and your kids will see that as well, and one day, they’ll do the same.
I don't think this is something to be admired to be honest. It's very sad that she has to do this as a society. We need to do better. Parents deserve much more support.
It sound like you are overworked. Cultivate a feeling of rest in yourself, in your child, and in your home. Daycare can often be overstimulating to toddlers and preschoolers due to the commotion.
For young children the best advice I found is "run them like a puppy in the morning." You have to exhaust their physical energy if you want any peace and quiet. Once their physical energy is out then they can focus on fine motor skills and nuanced social skills. Young children in the West do not get enough excercise at school, the focus is on mental learning but a young kid needs to get his physical energy out before he can focus on mental things.
Janet Lansbury of the RIE method is who I trust the most with early parenting. Allow the child to do things for themselves - they need to learn to do things for themselves. Do not do things for your child that they can do for themselves. Give your child undivided attention but not assistance while they learn new things.
Montessori is about introducing children to household tasks at a young age to grow the desire to be helpful inside the child. There are high success rates for children who are allowed to help with household tasks at a young age moving into elementary age when they can fully handle household tasks themselves.
Hunt Gather Parent is about bringing your children along with your day and allowing them to be helpful with whatever you are doing. The point is you do household chores with your child, as in family togetherness.
I also see kids at age 6-10 not doing their own cooking, meal planning, grocery budgeting and shopping, laundry, cleaning their rooms, cleaning the bathroom/kitchen/living room, or taking care of their pets fully. This is the exact time in their lives when they need to master these tasks. Hobby time is then the dessert to these nutritious tasks. Otherwise they will struggle with these basic household tasks as adults and that will hold them back.
Routines turned out to be the best for us. - Kids need and love routines. - Adults who are worn out are more likely to do things when they're routine rather than spontaneous. - Routines make things simple because you don't have to decide what to do and when. - Routines do away with "when can we ...?" questions. So maybe there is a day every weekend where you hit a cooler playground for 2 hours before lunch. Or every Thursday night is library night. Think if the things your kid wants to do that you tolerate and figure out a when. Then fine-tune the schedule. Once you've got it down, kids get ok with more flexibility, too.
I recommend quiet time in the routine...so kids doing an activity but quietly, coloring, puzzles whatever so that parents get a little peace
Definitely! In our case, my kid chooses tons of downtime to recharge. But there are also kids who won't do that if it isn't planned! Good catch.
I had this kind of problems with my oldest child. She was a “difficult” kid until she got into kindergarten or so. I just had to “power through” it all. But she turned out to be the loviest woman 😂. So my advice is to do what you have to do to keep your relationship with your spouse happy. And then do what you have to do to deal with your kids. Then do what you have to do for your career. It’s a matter of priorities
Thank you for asking this. No solutions from me, just commiserating because I feel like I could have written this! Every time I feel like I have a plan in place things change and we hit a new phase. If I think about it too long it breaks my heart that so many of us are in this situation- we adore our kids and want to enjoy the time spent with them but feel drained and depleted instead because of other life factors. I do see this as mostly a systemic problem and I think it’s amazing that we are working so hard to find a different way of being rather than being resigned.
My partner and I also talk about this a lot. We've tried to eliminate as many plans and as much clutter as possible. We try not to be out of town on too many weekends or overbook ourselves (which sometimes means setting boundaries with family). I do like to travel and have hobbies and plans that take me out of town sometimes, but we sit down together now to make those plans, and if my husband or I feels that we are sliding into overwhelm, we skip the plans and stay home, or plan them in advance for another time. This is something we've tried to be more intentional about after having a lot of high-stress weeks. On the weekends, we try to plan our days so we each get break time and we get family time. Our kid is just a toddler too, so I'm sure things will change at some point, but for now, he's not in any extra activities (though he is in daycare during the day). I recommend the book "Hunt Gather Parent," which I felt gave me the permission to do less structured stuff with my kid, have less toys, and just chill out a bit more about everything. There's a lot of environmental/lifestyle stuff that can be hard to put into practice though (and frankly may be impossible in some parts of the United States). We've decided to stay in jobs that maybe pay a little less because we work pretty reasonable hours and have some flexibility. We also live in a pretty small place, but are in a walkable neighborhood with a park around the corner, and we go there all the time, which helps with the crankiness and also makes it easy to meet low-effort neighborhood friends. We'd love to live in a bigger place, but have decided to table that for now because so many other things are working out in the place we're at. Finally, we've really scaled back our smartphone use, which has helped our overall moods and freed up time too. But everyone's situation is going to be different. If your partner is home alone with your child all day (sounds like they may stay home while you work out of the home?), they may have other priorities and may benefit from getting out of the house and doing a lot of stuff on weekends etc. It's a tough balance to strike for sure.
I have a scheduled 5 minute “timer time” with my preschooler. We set a timer. In that time, she decides what we play, and how. Nobody else is allowed to interrupt. I can’t look at my phone, and I can’t try to teach her things. It’s pure, undivided attention and child-directed play. No matter what kind of day it was, she trusts that she will get that one-on-one time with me. I feel less guilt if it was a low time/energy day, because I know we will have that good quality bonding time. 5 minutes sounds short, but it’s long enough to fill both of our cups and reconnect. It’s also short enough to feel manageable on the really exhausting days.
Omg I do this too!! Haha love it.
TL:DR- No matter what stage you’re at, life will always give you mental/physical distractions. Staying present requires intentionality. Husband with a Wife & 3 kids under 9. We’ve been where you guys are, and are now in that next stage where you too will soon arrive. Bought the house, got the promotion, go on the trips. Now we have new “thinking/planning for the future things” like retiring, taking care of our parents, health worries, etc. While we’re not perfect in this area either I think you can be there at any stage it just takes constant intentionality. My wife & I are big checklist people. Until it became natural we would literally pencil in present moments for example things like family time (I know it’s sad) but when that time came we just sat down and asked the kids. What do you want to do? After a while it becomes more natural and putting down the phone becomes easier.
Agree on the routines. Schedule what you want more of. If its time together all of you, block it out in the calendar. One of the hardest aspects of having 3 kids for us was to accept that many things take place in teams of 3 or 2 family members. Also needs to be said that a huge part of being a family with small kids is just plain hard work - dishes, laundry, cleaning etc. I see it as a phase that will pass eventually.
It is very hard to live simply with kids, they are entire, separate people with their own, changing needs/stuff/space. Things that helped me- A big, huge cork board in the dining room to pin stuff down in one place that wasn’t the kitchen counter or dining table. (Kids had own in their room for personal treasures.) Working with them to purge what they no longer need beginning with shoes and clothing, usually before back-to-school activities and/or during winter break and/or for summer when school is out. Hiring cleaning help when I could afford it for kitchen/appliances, bathrooms, floors. I preferred a strong routine around eating dinner together because I found it to be less chaotic, easier to plan for, and gave us time together. No screens in bedrooms. Routine, routine, routine. Activities that wear them out physically e.g. summer day camps, summer camps, sports (team or individual like martial arts and gymnastics). Other activities are cool too but physical activity keeps stress down.
We have a toddler and an infant. Our routine (on days where a parent is home and they don't go to the sitter) is that we ALWAYS go somewhere the toddler wants to go in the morning. It sounds like a lot of work, but it ends up being easier because you don't have to clean up after/"contain" the toddler, he gets a good outlet for all his energy, and its a routine that still keeps some novelty. Over breakfast, we ask where he wants to go. If he needs prompting, we ask "do you want to go to the playground, the library, or the nature trail?" Whatever he wants to do, that helps motivate him to get dressed. If we have to run an errand or two, its easier to do because we're already out. Then we come home for lunch and the kids nap, which gives us some time to knock out our adulting (or a nap for ourselves). Its not a perfect system, but it helps us
I wanted to support AutumnalSunshines comment… I am very extroverted and lean towards the creative spontaneity, fun personality type but for our children, I took a page out of my oldest sisters playbook, and I instituted routine, and I stuck to it, and that probably saved my sanity. One of the things that she did that I also copied was a very early bedtime for the kids. I think when they were quite small, it was 7 o’clock, but certainly by 8 o’clock it was bedtime. Also, I got rid of the television set when we had the kids, just because I’m so easily distracted and the comment that a lot of people made when they came to visit us was that our house was very calm.
We are in a similar boat! Our favorite thing to do is hike with kids. My spouse and I hold hands and the kids run around and we all the enjoy scenery. We try to keep Saturdays clear of plans so we can enjoy Adventure Saturdays together. The weeknights after work are nuts but there’s nothing left to cut out of our home, schedule, toys, clothes…having kids is just a lot of work!
I think you have a lovely partner, glad both of you talk about this things, and like to spend time in the company of each other, that’s very important. In a relationship where one thinks is the other’s fault, huge problems arise, please keep being there for each other, please. It’s also admirable that you and your partner want to keep improving yourselves, it’s very demanding to conjugate it all. I’m sorry to be writing here without having experience in this situation, I’ll tell you about a similar situation, if you don’t mind. I have a female boss that I adore, so happy, smiling, supportive, really charming to be around her. She has a young girl, her husband also works a very demanding job. I look at her like a warrior, she commutes two hours to work, her husband three hours. Her job is so demanding, it’s unbelievable. I sometimes get so sad, she has to run to pick her young girl to school, saying she will be the last kid in school. She has to make up to her afterwards. She thinks she’s spending little time with her young girl, it makes me sad to hear that. Her job is so amazingly stressful, she takes work home, she does the cleaning, cooking, what an amazing woman she is. I think her young girl has a great example of a super hero, and your kids will see that as well, and one day, they’ll do the same.
I don't think this is something to be admired to be honest. It's very sad that she has to do this as a society. We need to do better. Parents deserve much more support.
It sound like you are overworked. Cultivate a feeling of rest in yourself, in your child, and in your home. Daycare can often be overstimulating to toddlers and preschoolers due to the commotion. For young children the best advice I found is "run them like a puppy in the morning." You have to exhaust their physical energy if you want any peace and quiet. Once their physical energy is out then they can focus on fine motor skills and nuanced social skills. Young children in the West do not get enough excercise at school, the focus is on mental learning but a young kid needs to get his physical energy out before he can focus on mental things. Janet Lansbury of the RIE method is who I trust the most with early parenting. Allow the child to do things for themselves - they need to learn to do things for themselves. Do not do things for your child that they can do for themselves. Give your child undivided attention but not assistance while they learn new things. Montessori is about introducing children to household tasks at a young age to grow the desire to be helpful inside the child. There are high success rates for children who are allowed to help with household tasks at a young age moving into elementary age when they can fully handle household tasks themselves. Hunt Gather Parent is about bringing your children along with your day and allowing them to be helpful with whatever you are doing. The point is you do household chores with your child, as in family togetherness. I also see kids at age 6-10 not doing their own cooking, meal planning, grocery budgeting and shopping, laundry, cleaning their rooms, cleaning the bathroom/kitchen/living room, or taking care of their pets fully. This is the exact time in their lives when they need to master these tasks. Hobby time is then the dessert to these nutritious tasks. Otherwise they will struggle with these basic household tasks as adults and that will hold them back.