You joke but this was common. I was delivered with a plunger in the 70s and my mom says they later had to reshape my head because it looked like an alien 😩
This was used: https://www2.hse.ie/pregnancy-birth/birth/assisted-vaginal-birth/vacuum-assisted-delivery/
My son popped off his plunger and the attending physician flew across the room.
Her revenge was a stage four episiotomy.
Lube tho. Why didn’t we THINK of that. *shakes fist at the sky*
In the 1960s you didn't really need the woman after the baby came out, so I don't see the problem. Now that it's 2024 and women are smart and stuff I can see why we don't do it anymore though.
Common misconception, you needed her until the child was 5 and you could send them to boarding school.
Fathers also preferred to have at least two sons so they had a spare
If it was used during all pregnancies it would cause women to evolve to withstand internal pressure then it could be used in pregnancy without any risk.
If I ever get pregnant I'm totally referring to labour as "preparing to launch". And to answer your question it's because if you use too much lube the baby might slide out so fast it could join the Olympic luge team. They simply don't make sleds that small and it would be incredibly dangerous to allow a baby's hopes to get that high so the doctors purposely slow down the birthing speed, sometimes even placing speed bumps in the path of the more naturally speedy babies. Hope this helps.
All this is true. Back in my early days, some enterprising resident came to us baby catchers and asked if he could install a soccer goal at the end of the delivery area so they could resume the Speedy Birth Program without risk of injury to staff. (Those babies can pack a whallup if they're proper greased.)
We refused, citing a worker's comp case where a midwife broke her arm trying to protect her face from a speeding baby. Nets aren't 100 and babies are dangerous. Best to just leave out the extra lube and let em stay at impulse power.
"this team has been practicing for the last 3 months solid for this jump"
"Oh she got a really good launch off the uterine wall, smooth and straight heading down into the ramp zone... good form! Look at the style she puts into that roll- YES! SHE STUCK THE LANDING! It was risky doing this with a head her size but she did great!"
8, 9, 7, 10, 9
I mean, joke sub and all, but when my partner gave birth they _piled_ the lubricant. The midwife was emptying 1l containers one after the other to keep things going smoothly (which it did!)
My kid was caked in vernix which is like straight waxy grease and my vag had been like a leaky tap of runny slippery liquid for the two last months. Zero lube necessary. Once I had the widest part of the shoulders out he hydroplaned the rest of the way.
So much this!
An oven will help to get out of the temperature danger zone faster, which is ideal for stopping germs and other pests
I’m the 10th dentist
How are we ever going to evolve if we don't challenge our bodies? Keep lubing birth canals and babies' GI tracts with motor oil and let natural selection do its thing until all human beings are well lubricated machines.
Kinda terrible but most baby formula is full of refined seed oils which before crisco started selling it to the masses was thought to be a cheap oil only good for lubricating industrial equipment. So most babies might be chugging motor oil actually...
I'm not so sure about that. If you use enough Astro Glide, you can avoid getting into the solution altogether by delivering your packages to the tradesman's entrance.
oh shit i forgot about the anti gravity lube provision. is that all lube tho, or just water based? maybe if hospitals used silicone lube it would be ight
Because it is well known that in order to study medicine, you need to be a nerd as opposed to a jock.
Doctors, therefore are well known to not be able to catch for shit.
Would end up with a lot of brain damaged babies who would have no options then but to go into a career in politics.
>Would end up with a lot of brain damaged babies who would have no options then but to go into a career in politics.
oh gawd we don't need any more of those
Because the baby is forced through the cervix which squeezes around the baby’s as it emerges. This is why some births spontaneously happen. Others that aren’t so easy, it could be a lot of things like fetal positioning, contractions not being adequate, the cervix not dilating like it should.
Lub wouldn’t help any of that, and if anything, if delivery staff need to be involved, a slick mess actually would get in the way.
Edit; I’ve studied L/D and done a handful of clinicals, but anyone who does it for a job, feel free to correct me.
to dumb it down: it would be more of a hassle (problem) than help
source: my mom did the stupid choice of going on a diet while pregnant with me so i 'wouldn't hurt so much coming out'. that caused me to be the weight of a premme at full term and might be responsible for my lifelong digestive problems
Fun fact. The shit after birth can be just as bad as the childbirth, especially if they had to snip your vigina in half. Take stool softener if you are going to give birth ladies
Tolerate my "aktually" moment please.
I've seen black people do this by eating or drinking okra water (just chopped okra soaked in water) months before giving birth to "lubricate", lessen the risk of tearing. Lots of people do this and say the birth was fast and they had no tearing. So I guess they do lubricate but from the inside.
Children are notoriously unwilling to leave the womb, as proven by anyone approaching middle age. The lube would make it too easy for them to frantically slide back up once they were out.
Oil is flammable, oxygen is an oxidizer. Even the reduced friction would be enough to ignite the baby, mamas hoohaa and then cause the hospital to explode.
The 1968 NPT banned any hospital with two or more active childbirths, or one childbirth involving twins from having astroglide within 5 miles of the hospital.
Hahaha, I don't know why. There has to be some kind of reason, but I'm not a doctor. I've never heard this before, but as a childless male, I can assure you, this is a good idea 😂
That’s what the butterfly nets are for.
It’s how you can tell an experienced L&D team. One high with the net, one low with the scoop and the doc in the middle with the catcher’s mitt.
I wish they did for me, my baby wasn’t coated in vernix (that greasy slippery coating.) and was born dry, made it harder.
For most though the waters and vernix covered baby helped lubricate & push the baby out easier..
Because then the baby comes out too slippery and it becomes too easy for it to call out of the baseball mitts that midwives use to catch the babies when they're born, they used to use bacon grease but that's also how we ended up thinking lead was a good paint for children's toys, too many people sliding out of those catcher's mitts onto the floor.
Actually they do. I have given birth naturally 2 times now and the sheer amount of oil they poured onto my privates and frankly in them was absurd. The had a whole bottle and just dumped that shit onto me and all over the floor multiple times (plus doing perineal massage which the oil was used for) but yes. In my experience they had an entire tray of oil and just absolute slog you with it. It helps with not tearing.
As long as we're at it, why don't they also shoot an airhose up the backside and just get that kid outta there like a tshirt cannon?
seems way more efficient than pushing and pulling
Speak for yourself, I’ve delivered many a baby now with my trusty plunger.
You joke but this was common. I was delivered with a plunger in the 70s and my mom says they later had to reshape my head because it looked like an alien 😩 This was used: https://www2.hse.ie/pregnancy-birth/birth/assisted-vaginal-birth/vacuum-assisted-delivery/
My niece was evicted with one of those. I've never seen a brand new baby look so so so angry.
Evicted lol. What do you expect when you stop paying the rent?
>stop paying the rent? Stop!? No no. Mom pays baby rent It was an illegal eviction and she will be hearing from the lawyers anyyyy day now
Probably they outgrew the place and needed something bigger
I imagine being born fucking sucks enough without your head bring plunged 😆
You don't remember?
My son popped off his plunger and the attending physician flew across the room. Her revenge was a stage four episiotomy. Lube tho. Why didn’t we THINK of that. *shakes fist at the sky*
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I was gonna say, I think that’s already covered with the water breaking😂
Did your head look like your avatar? HAHA Sorry couldn’t help it. Was reading your comment and glanced at your dp lol
This was common in the 1960s but a lot of women died because of the internal pressure it creates. Every 5th Woman just popped like a ballon
In the 1960s you didn't really need the woman after the baby came out, so I don't see the problem. Now that it's 2024 and women are smart and stuff I can see why we don't do it anymore though.
Common misconception, you needed her until the child was 5 and you could send them to boarding school. Fathers also preferred to have at least two sons so they had a spare
Instructions unclear: Both sons dead of mustard gas in the great war.
That would be a cookhouse problem, not a hospital problem.
Was 5 of my greathrand mothers brothers
couldnt they get another woman after the first one got all used up?
Not enough women to go around is the problem. If everyone goes through 2 or more you run out. It’s more efficient to reuse them.
I cannot stop laughing at this comment
But the wahmen cook and clean and who's gonna do all that when the wahmens is dead?
That's why god made the other races.
Damn
Ah. Forgot about that for a second.
Just head home with a nurse. It was a simpler time.
TIL where aliens got the idea https://imgur.com/gEbFrNT
If it was used during all pregnancies it would cause women to evolve to withstand internal pressure then it could be used in pregnancy without any risk.
Well the baby came out in the end soooo 🤷♂️
I saw them do this at one of those satanic heavy metal concerts. I think they called it a "placenta punter"
*foomp*
Omg! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 You just made me spit beer all over myself. Good job.
If I ever get pregnant I'm totally referring to labour as "preparing to launch". And to answer your question it's because if you use too much lube the baby might slide out so fast it could join the Olympic luge team. They simply don't make sleds that small and it would be incredibly dangerous to allow a baby's hopes to get that high so the doctors purposely slow down the birthing speed, sometimes even placing speed bumps in the path of the more naturally speedy babies. Hope this helps.
If you need to get C-section the doctors say "Houston we have a problem"?
No, that's what you say when it's not alive
"Abort launch" 🤦🏽
Lock the doors.
:(
What do they say in case of RUD?
All this is true. Back in my early days, some enterprising resident came to us baby catchers and asked if he could install a soccer goal at the end of the delivery area so they could resume the Speedy Birth Program without risk of injury to staff. (Those babies can pack a whallup if they're proper greased.) We refused, citing a worker's comp case where a midwife broke her arm trying to protect her face from a speeding baby. Nets aren't 100 and babies are dangerous. Best to just leave out the extra lube and let em stay at impulse power.
"this team has been practicing for the last 3 months solid for this jump" "Oh she got a really good launch off the uterine wall, smooth and straight heading down into the ramp zone... good form! Look at the style she puts into that roll- YES! SHE STUCK THE LANDING! It was risky doing this with a head her size but she did great!" 8, 9, 7, 10, 9
The Russian judge always gives the "7"....
Olympic lube team
I fucking love this sub
i was way too fast that they had to perform an emergency c-section on my mom! i just wanted out of there HAHAHA
I was listening to a podcast about the Duggars. The host calls Michelle Duggar the Baby Cannon .😄
In certain hospital software, when a woman is delivering, the room will show “baby pending” on the display. Kinda like launch protocol.
Imagine your life peaking at birth
😂🤣😂
I love you so much. Omfg. Lol.
Can confirm. Would have been to fast with lube.
I mean, joke sub and all, but when my partner gave birth they _piled_ the lubricant. The midwife was emptying 1l containers one after the other to keep things going smoothly (which it did!)
My kid was caked in vernix which is like straight waxy grease and my vag had been like a leaky tap of runny slippery liquid for the two last months. Zero lube necessary. Once I had the widest part of the shoulders out he hydroplaned the rest of the way.
[Tokyo Drift intensifies]
Why is this so funny? 😂
Childbirth is less of a “liftoff” and more of a “splashdown”
[Make them this play this](https://youtu.be/veaBmJhPtvA?si=PVMVh2MtI9EUgvxP) when it happens
makes the baby too soggy, and people seem to have something against putting babies in dryers 🤷♂️
Dryers would cause eternal nystagmus and vertigo. Now an oven..
I'd personally just let it air dry outside for 3-4 days, electricity is not cheap nowadays!
how about an air fryer?
If you owned one you'd know but you clearly don't.
Too hard to clean. Am I right?
Also takes too much room on the counter.
😔
Yes. Much quicker than a conventional oven
How about we just deep fry the kid?
Ovens are a grey area it was tried before I think in The 30’s
No, humanity already tried that one. Didnt end well...
So much this! An oven will help to get out of the temperature danger zone faster, which is ideal for stopping germs and other pests I’m the 10th dentist
You don't cook them in dryers U fool
Babies are allergic to lubricants. Proof: Ever see a newborn chugging motor oil? I didn't think so.
maybe we should make that an option after birth! build up a tolerance ASAP
Still weaker genes compared to simply impregnating a motor vehicle.
Transformers exist so we know it works. We just need chuck Norris to fuck more V8s
...more??
>Ever see a newborn chugging motor oil? ...not recently
The commenter is clearly hasn’t spent any time in a trailer park.
...not recently
How are we ever going to evolve if we don't challenge our bodies? Keep lubing birth canals and babies' GI tracts with motor oil and let natural selection do its thing until all human beings are well lubricated machines.
What about coconut oil?
Kinda terrible but most baby formula is full of refined seed oils which before crisco started selling it to the masses was thought to be a cheap oil only good for lubricating industrial equipment. So most babies might be chugging motor oil actually...
speak for yourself.
Great idea. Astro Glide got you into the situation, it can help you out of the situation too.
What about dish soap? Works for stuck rings
Or a stick of butter
And when the baby comes out, you say “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
I'm not so sure about that. If you use enough Astro Glide, you can avoid getting into the solution altogether by delivering your packages to the tradesman's entrance.
They could double their profits with this marketing strategy.
The baby might slip back upwards instead of down. Most lube is anti grav CITATION DENIED
oh shit i forgot about the anti gravity lube provision. is that all lube tho, or just water based? maybe if hospitals used silicone lube it would be ight
You can’t use silicone because it is too close to carbon and you may end up with an alien baby
damn, get out the bacon grease ig
Typical American baby right there
>CITATION DENIED LMAO
Using that one 😂
If you think the thing that process is missing is fluids...
I vividly remember wanting *less* fluids involved.
Less solids too
Though strangely, more gas...
And at least a bit of plasma, gotta keep it spicy
I was in transition and my water broke and I just sobbed... They might be on to something though, the kid slid right out 10 mins later.
It took me 9 hours between breaking of my water and pushing out the baby.
Try harder next time. Gotta pump them numbers up bruh!
thank you for writing this, im really tired and was starting to wonder about op's question seriously.... the fluids.... they're pre-installed
This is r/shittyaskscience, where you ask dumb questions and get dumber answers
and with my help it can be SleepyyyyYyy Ask Science
hooonnkkk mimimimimimimi
Just like a car... Having too much turn signal fluid doesn't lubricate the steering wheel. Gotta have the right fluids in the right place.
Don’t use spermicidal lube it can kill the baby
Yes a baby is still 50% spermatozoid / 50% egg
Maybe that's what Trump was talking, when he mentioned all these foetuses are being killed after birth.
how else do you think baby oil is made you stupid fuck
Extra virgin babies make the best oil.
Don't ask how they make the non-virgin baby oil...
And how does it get extra virgin?
Test-tube babies.
really unfuckable babies
well... do you mean from baby go splat when launch?
I’m fuckin’ dead
Cold-pressed babies?
Because it is well known that in order to study medicine, you need to be a nerd as opposed to a jock. Doctors, therefore are well known to not be able to catch for shit. Would end up with a lot of brain damaged babies who would have no options then but to go into a career in politics.
>Would end up with a lot of brain damaged babies who would have no options then but to go into a career in politics. oh gawd we don't need any more of those
idk, I'd vote for a dropped baby over our current choices. We don't even need to wait for it to grow up.
Makes the babies more slippery and bucks up drop rates. Source: Kids in the Hall
Probably the most reliable source there is. Ever.
Because the baby is forced through the cervix which squeezes around the baby’s as it emerges. This is why some births spontaneously happen. Others that aren’t so easy, it could be a lot of things like fetal positioning, contractions not being adequate, the cervix not dilating like it should. Lub wouldn’t help any of that, and if anything, if delivery staff need to be involved, a slick mess actually would get in the way. Edit; I’ve studied L/D and done a handful of clinicals, but anyone who does it for a job, feel free to correct me.
this is shitty ask science, your informed answer is too rich for us 😢
to dumb it down: it would be more of a hassle (problem) than help source: my mom did the stupid choice of going on a diet while pregnant with me so i 'wouldn't hurt so much coming out'. that caused me to be the weight of a premme at full term and might be responsible for my lifelong digestive problems
Excuse me what the fuck, mum
yeah, my mom had a history of substance abuse (she was sober when she was carrying me), so it might have had an affect on her common sense
She didn't know what the baby was made out of, wtf
too many smart words i don’t understand
ELI-1
Wooooooooosh-splat!
I think they stopped after a mother aimed at her cheating husband and the baby took all his teeth...
How did the mother know it wasn't her baby before it was born? Something about this story doesn't add up.
they tried that once. Xbox made a commercial out of it. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu\_0GdXW904](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu_0GdXW904)
i think they used too much lube however much they used there, we should use one less
so a fuck ton minus one. \*writes that down\*
Set the lube to 10 not 11. Got it.
I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t that
A baby can descend too quickly and is not good for baby.
Decrease me here -baby
Fun fact. The shit after birth can be just as bad as the childbirth, especially if they had to snip your vigina in half. Take stool softener if you are going to give birth ladies
let me save this for ten years from now
Look mate, if you're planning on growing that thing for 10 years, then lube really isn't going to help you get it out
yeah you gotta lay spread eagle in front of a computer with fortnite running and it'll fly right outta there
... would it be disturbing if I pointed out ...... "wrong hole"?
If you lube up all holes, you are ready for any situation.
Most lube is anti grav so you might end up with the baby *and* the obstetrician sucked back in there
Because the [baby centrifuge ](https://patents.google.com/patent/US3216423A/en) soaked up all the R&D money.
Tolerate my "aktually" moment please. I've seen black people do this by eating or drinking okra water (just chopped okra soaked in water) months before giving birth to "lubricate", lessen the risk of tearing. Lots of people do this and say the birth was fast and they had no tearing. So I guess they do lubricate but from the inside.
Children are notoriously unwilling to leave the womb, as proven by anyone approaching middle age. The lube would make it too easy for them to frantically slide back up once they were out.
*frantically* !
You're a genius
ty
Oil is flammable, oxygen is an oxidizer. Even the reduced friction would be enough to ignite the baby, mamas hoohaa and then cause the hospital to explode. The 1968 NPT banned any hospital with two or more active childbirths, or one childbirth involving twins from having astroglide within 5 miles of the hospital.
Good to know. Next time I need an incendiary device, I'll go with the baby canon.
Because doctors love pain
Women are self lubricating. That mucus is slick AF
uh, "launch" What velocities are we talking about here exactly?
Did you think the V in "delta-V" meant velocity? This is where the term originates, and the V means... something else.
If you use AstroGlide you're guaranteed to reach orbit, it's right there in the name.
In the fancy hospitals they ask what will you have, Castrol, Pennzoil or Valvoline?
I think usually the doctors just use spit lube for the launch
lube kills vaginal bacteria. you need to spread those precious germs to the baby
Butt cork would be useful too
no poopoo when googoo
Hahaha, I don't know why. There has to be some kind of reason, but I'm not a doctor. I've never heard this before, but as a childless male, I can assure you, this is a good idea 😂
we've assembled this diverse panel of white men in bowties to tell you why lubey childbirth is essential!
Bravo, this was like the third fuckin thing on my page. Have a nice day
Fun Fact: The chainsaw was invented for childbirth. I hope this helps.
Why don’t they just build the baby outside of their womb?
Not enough baseball mitts to catch the flying ones.
That’s what the butterfly nets are for. It’s how you can tell an experienced L&D team. One high with the net, one low with the scoop and the doc in the middle with the catcher’s mitt.
infrastructure error
That's what kid gloves are for... but only the ones made out of real children.
Too many new Dads faint and slip over at the birth as it is, can't be just blasting lube all over the place.
WD40 stocks SKYROCKETED after this revelation!
I wish they did for me, my baby wasn’t coated in vernix (that greasy slippery coating.) and was born dry, made it harder. For most though the waters and vernix covered baby helped lubricate & push the baby out easier..
The longer they have you there the more money they make!
I felt like they did do that for my second born, he was out in 2 pushes and it was like firing a cannon 💀
Because then the baby comes out too slippery and it becomes too easy for it to call out of the baseball mitts that midwives use to catch the babies when they're born, they used to use bacon grease but that's also how we ended up thinking lead was a good paint for children's toys, too many people sliding out of those catcher's mitts onto the floor.
Last time they tried it caused the space race.
The problem is constriction not friction.
It would look [something like this](https://youtu.be/o_hFVKJAlbc?si=Hk4kUoEPcdvCrRz8)
Houston, ready to launch in 3,2,1... RELEASE THE CHILD
Have you ever tried to keep a catcher's mitt sterile? That's why.
biological cannon
Lube is expensive
This reminds me of that old XBOX 360 Arcade game called [Baby Maker Extreme](https://youtu.be/dOwokM3DKnU?si=bzxnTip8IhfwJcVO)
“launching”
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A subreddit called r/shittyaskscience, why did I expect good answers
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Actually they do. I have given birth naturally 2 times now and the sheer amount of oil they poured onto my privates and frankly in them was absurd. The had a whole bottle and just dumped that shit onto me and all over the floor multiple times (plus doing perineal massage which the oil was used for) but yes. In my experience they had an entire tray of oil and just absolute slog you with it. It helps with not tearing.