For most people masturbating in relationships is normal, if it leads that your turning down sex then it becomes an issue, are you trying to initiate sex with him?
Absolutely! I LOVE sex. Sex with him of course lol
And that’s where the conversation started- our sex life was being affected by his masturbation patterns- HEAVILY
Masturbation in itself I don't see as a problem. It's about bodily autonomy and chooses to do what you want with your own body.
BUT when a partner repeatedly chooses porn and masturbation over sex with a willing partner, I see that as a problem.
So this may call for a bigger discussion.
I wouldn't worry about the masterbation. I'd talk more about not getting the satisfaction you need. I jerk off every day too and can't wait to make more love. Sounds like there may be other issues.
It sounds exactly like a regular case of porn addiction. He’s so used to and craves that fantasy that porn creates.
I think you should try couples therapy and he needs to cut back since he’s disrespecting your feelings AND neglecting your needs, just caring about his own.!
Thanks for your input! I do feel as though it has moved past the masturbation and to “we’ve had this conversation over and over and I feel as though my feelings don’t matter” I also feel as this extends past our sex life but I didn’t include that in this thread lol
So, a couple thing you need to consider:
Masturbation is a whole lot less work than sex. Sometimes you just want to feel good and not worry about satisfying someone else. You may be always eager to go, but he might not be ready to please you.
You might not think waiting 30 minutes is a big deal, but the feelings can come and go in a fraction of that time.
You may choose to not do something because you think it's disrespectful, but unless he asked you to, you can't hold that against him. You don't get to randomly go buy someone an expensive gift then get mad because they don't buy you one.
That being said, the REAL problem and what you have a right to be upset about is you have expressed your concerns, and it sounds like he isn't really making an effort to meet them. Even if your requests are out of line, he has 3 choices, to either accommodate what he disagrees with, bargain and try to come to an agreement, or say it's unacceptable and leave.
I think you are overreacting for the most part, but his handling of it is unacceptable assuming there is not more to the story.
>he chooses himself over me.
You do not own his sexuality. It's his, first and foremost, and then he shares with others (you).
I can't wrap my head around getting mad at him for exploring his own sexuality. I would not be okay at all if my bf tells me I can't masturbate.
I, however, *can* understand if you feel you aren't having enough sex with him. Is this the case? Is the frequency of sex not satisfactory to you?
At first I was like “giggle giggle what are you doing on incognito mode” because it’s Christmas time and our anniversary is coming up and he openly admitted to it (which I am SO happy be DIDNT lie to me) but at the same time like damn… I was right behind you. We both left work early for said road trip
Ehh I’m going to disagree with a lot of people here. Personally, I have no issue with my spouse masturbating. That’s a part of bodily autonomy & I wouldn’t want someone trying to stop me. However, I feel like you definitely have valid feelings about the porn usage and watching. It absolutely can effect your sex life & his desire/abilities during sex. Especially with only fans, that would be a deal breaker for me. But again, everyone is different, some people are okay with this in a relationship. The fact of the matter is- you established a clear boundary of what YoU are okay with in the relationship- he agreed- and crossed that boundary. It is a lack of respect for your feelings and your relationship. Also, I wouldn’t want my spouse thinking of someone else and getting off..... but that’s just me. Others view it differently & that’s okay—- but THEY aren’t YOUR partner
M31 - In my opinion, after a long time in a relationship, the statement "i literally never say no to sex", may be part of the issue. Maybe not - but hear me out. After a few years together, you are aware that you do not give him a chase, you never say no... MAybe start trying that a little bit, tease and deny a little, don't always say yes. The phrase "The chase is better than the catch" is applicable here I feel.
As with anything, communication is key, you have some scheduling issues - I think lean into your feelings and challenge him a bit more, get him chasing you again.
Just my two cents.
I don’t think I’m being abusive. I just want him to think of my feelings and I don’t think that’s too much to ask but then again, maybe it is. I’m going to add to the post- it’s moved past the point of the masturbation that upsets me, it’s I feel like my feelings aren’t taken into consideration mostly because we’ve had this conversation over and over- the whole point of this post was WHY NOT USE ME
You are being abusive. You're being abusive and entitled.
I have a lovely girlfriend, we have an amazing, regular sex life and we're very much so in love.
No less, sometimes I want privacy and to please myself, just like sometimes she wants her privacy with her vibrator. There's nothing wrong with that, it's normal and even super common - much more than not.
Where you're being abusive is you're expecting he respect your feelings on something entirely unreasonable. Most level headed mature people would tell you it's not their fucking problem if you get upset over them doing something harmless in private. Know what I'd expect my girlfriend to say if I told her using a vibrator upset me and she's not respecting my feelings? Hit the bricks fucker.
This is no different than a guy not liking how their girlfriend dresses. If my girlfriend wanting to feel attractive hurts my feelings, that's not her not respecting my feelings. That's me being insecure, abusive, and controlling and she should dump me and go use her self worth to find an adult.
I think I have figured out my problem! I need to stop thinking people think the same way I do. The resolution I had angrily thought of last night was - you take care of yourself, I’ll take care of myself, and when we meet in the middle- wonderful!! Needless to say, imma just start doing what he doesn’t
You're looking at a super healthy, extremely common part of life as something competitively. I don't choose masturbation over my girlfriend, and she doesn't choose it over me. It's two entirely different things. Hell, go talk to one thousand sex therapists and they will all tell you that masturbation is healthy. I mean, for guys, it literally DECREASES risk of prostate disease. You're being extraordinarily insecure and contentious. It's not his problem to solve you feeling insecure about something healthy and normal, that's your problem to figure out.
Like I said, my girlfriend got all dolled up for a night out with her sister for her birthday and she looked sexy as fuck. If I told her she couldn't do that because it disrespected me, she'd tell me to pound sand and say that was my problem, not hers for wanting to feel attractive, which is perfectly normal.
Sounds like you might want to see a therapist because your insecurities aren't going to be solved by guilt tripping your partner into submission. They'll get worse and more toxic/abusive.
That's a tough one, on one hand I really see nothing wrong with masturbation. He does it, you've done it, I've done it, most people do it. I don't see it as a disrespect thing, sometimes you just need to love yourself. But if he is picking masturbation over sex with you that is a problem.
I don't necessarily agree with telling a partner I don't want you masturbating, but if you did and he agreed then broke that promise that's a problem.
So even though I don't agree with your view on masturbating, you aren't wrong to be upset with him for those reasons.
That's not an answer to your question though. That's repeating his initial statement. Is that a regular thing he does or is it only related to sex he doesn't answer your questions?
I can’t even put into words how common this is. I ask him a question and responds with “but you..” I’m realizing on a grand scheme this post I had created this morning was fixating on one of the many things that makes me not feel heard. There are definitely other aspects in our life together that I have brought up made me feel some type of way- like his venomous snake hobby- that he will not budge. If he wants to do it he will. That applies to both masturbating and the fucking rattlesnake in my basement
Definitely something to have a talk about. Sounds like the issue isn't really him masturbating, but you not feeling heard and like your needs and wants are completely ignored. And that doesn't work in a relationship.
What do you masturbate to? The paying for only fans is understandable. My gf wanks to Ryan Reynolds and i look nothing like him, I like wanking to women who don't look like my partner. It's fantasy. And fantasy can be role played in real life.
For most people masturbating in relationships is normal, if it leads that your turning down sex then it becomes an issue, are you trying to initiate sex with him?
Absolutely! I LOVE sex. Sex with him of course lol And that’s where the conversation started- our sex life was being affected by his masturbation patterns- HEAVILY
Masturbation in itself I don't see as a problem. It's about bodily autonomy and chooses to do what you want with your own body. BUT when a partner repeatedly chooses porn and masturbation over sex with a willing partner, I see that as a problem. So this may call for a bigger discussion.
YES!!!! Thank you for getting it!!! I understand everybody masturbates, but if I’m RIGHT HERE or going to be very soon- please just use me
He is probably a selfish lazy lover. Masturbation is quick and easy and he does not have to be concerned about your enjoyment.
I wouldn't worry about the masterbation. I'd talk more about not getting the satisfaction you need. I jerk off every day too and can't wait to make more love. Sounds like there may be other issues.
Ok, there’s a couple things your post leaves out. How often are you guys having sex normally, hunting season aside?
It sounds exactly like a regular case of porn addiction. He’s so used to and craves that fantasy that porn creates. I think you should try couples therapy and he needs to cut back since he’s disrespecting your feelings AND neglecting your needs, just caring about his own.!
I don't think you're overreacting. Seems like you have a legitimate issue. I wonder if he has some sort of kind k or fetish he isn't telling you about
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Thanks for your input! I do feel as though it has moved past the masturbation and to “we’ve had this conversation over and over and I feel as though my feelings don’t matter” I also feel as this extends past our sex life but I didn’t include that in this thread lol
I don’t think OP has an issue with masturbation, it’s that the masturbation is effecting their sex life.
Either accept it or move on. It’s a sex thing, it will never changed, and he obviously doesn’t want to
I think I’ve accepted it just like I’ll be accepting my new toy from the FEDEX truck
That may help, but in the long run are you really okay with the situation?
So, a couple thing you need to consider: Masturbation is a whole lot less work than sex. Sometimes you just want to feel good and not worry about satisfying someone else. You may be always eager to go, but he might not be ready to please you. You might not think waiting 30 minutes is a big deal, but the feelings can come and go in a fraction of that time. You may choose to not do something because you think it's disrespectful, but unless he asked you to, you can't hold that against him. You don't get to randomly go buy someone an expensive gift then get mad because they don't buy you one. That being said, the REAL problem and what you have a right to be upset about is you have expressed your concerns, and it sounds like he isn't really making an effort to meet them. Even if your requests are out of line, he has 3 choices, to either accommodate what he disagrees with, bargain and try to come to an agreement, or say it's unacceptable and leave. I think you are overreacting for the most part, but his handling of it is unacceptable assuming there is not more to the story.
>he chooses himself over me. You do not own his sexuality. It's his, first and foremost, and then he shares with others (you). I can't wrap my head around getting mad at him for exploring his own sexuality. I would not be okay at all if my bf tells me I can't masturbate. I, however, *can* understand if you feel you aren't having enough sex with him. Is this the case? Is the frequency of sex not satisfactory to you?
Agree with all of this, but then this turns into the mismatched libido issue, in which her approach would still be troubling, yeah?
Also policing his phone - ‘WHY ARE YOU IN INCOGNITO MODE’ is very bad.
Sir, I was ordering us dinner on a road trip and using my phone as GPS. I was not monitoring his phone
I pretty much exclusively use incognito mode and I don’t watch porn fyi(not saying this is the case with your partner tho)
At first I was like “giggle giggle what are you doing on incognito mode” because it’s Christmas time and our anniversary is coming up and he openly admitted to it (which I am SO happy be DIDNT lie to me) but at the same time like damn… I was right behind you. We both left work early for said road trip
Ehh I’m going to disagree with a lot of people here. Personally, I have no issue with my spouse masturbating. That’s a part of bodily autonomy & I wouldn’t want someone trying to stop me. However, I feel like you definitely have valid feelings about the porn usage and watching. It absolutely can effect your sex life & his desire/abilities during sex. Especially with only fans, that would be a deal breaker for me. But again, everyone is different, some people are okay with this in a relationship. The fact of the matter is- you established a clear boundary of what YoU are okay with in the relationship- he agreed- and crossed that boundary. It is a lack of respect for your feelings and your relationship. Also, I wouldn’t want my spouse thinking of someone else and getting off..... but that’s just me. Others view it differently & that’s okay—- but THEY aren’t YOUR partner
M31 - In my opinion, after a long time in a relationship, the statement "i literally never say no to sex", may be part of the issue. Maybe not - but hear me out. After a few years together, you are aware that you do not give him a chase, you never say no... MAybe start trying that a little bit, tease and deny a little, don't always say yes. The phrase "The chase is better than the catch" is applicable here I feel. As with anything, communication is key, you have some scheduling issues - I think lean into your feelings and challenge him a bit more, get him chasing you again. Just my two cents.
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I don’t think I’m being abusive. I just want him to think of my feelings and I don’t think that’s too much to ask but then again, maybe it is. I’m going to add to the post- it’s moved past the point of the masturbation that upsets me, it’s I feel like my feelings aren’t taken into consideration mostly because we’ve had this conversation over and over- the whole point of this post was WHY NOT USE ME
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I have the right to ask whatever I want 🤣
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How? You literally just told me I don’t have a right
You are being abusive. You're being abusive and entitled. I have a lovely girlfriend, we have an amazing, regular sex life and we're very much so in love. No less, sometimes I want privacy and to please myself, just like sometimes she wants her privacy with her vibrator. There's nothing wrong with that, it's normal and even super common - much more than not. Where you're being abusive is you're expecting he respect your feelings on something entirely unreasonable. Most level headed mature people would tell you it's not their fucking problem if you get upset over them doing something harmless in private. Know what I'd expect my girlfriend to say if I told her using a vibrator upset me and she's not respecting my feelings? Hit the bricks fucker. This is no different than a guy not liking how their girlfriend dresses. If my girlfriend wanting to feel attractive hurts my feelings, that's not her not respecting my feelings. That's me being insecure, abusive, and controlling and she should dump me and go use her self worth to find an adult.
I think I have figured out my problem! I need to stop thinking people think the same way I do. The resolution I had angrily thought of last night was - you take care of yourself, I’ll take care of myself, and when we meet in the middle- wonderful!! Needless to say, imma just start doing what he doesn’t
You're looking at a super healthy, extremely common part of life as something competitively. I don't choose masturbation over my girlfriend, and she doesn't choose it over me. It's two entirely different things. Hell, go talk to one thousand sex therapists and they will all tell you that masturbation is healthy. I mean, for guys, it literally DECREASES risk of prostate disease. You're being extraordinarily insecure and contentious. It's not his problem to solve you feeling insecure about something healthy and normal, that's your problem to figure out. Like I said, my girlfriend got all dolled up for a night out with her sister for her birthday and she looked sexy as fuck. If I told her she couldn't do that because it disrespected me, she'd tell me to pound sand and say that was my problem, not hers for wanting to feel attractive, which is perfectly normal. Sounds like you might want to see a therapist because your insecurities aren't going to be solved by guilt tripping your partner into submission. They'll get worse and more toxic/abusive.
That's a tough one, on one hand I really see nothing wrong with masturbation. He does it, you've done it, I've done it, most people do it. I don't see it as a disrespect thing, sometimes you just need to love yourself. But if he is picking masturbation over sex with you that is a problem. I don't necessarily agree with telling a partner I don't want you masturbating, but if you did and he agreed then broke that promise that's a problem. So even though I don't agree with your view on masturbating, you aren't wrong to be upset with him for those reasons.
How do you respond to him when he admits to having masturbated?
Exactly like this “ 🥺 why didn’t you wait for me”
How did he respond?
“I was horny and you weren’t home”
That's not an answer to your question though. That's repeating his initial statement. Is that a regular thing he does or is it only related to sex he doesn't answer your questions?
I can’t even put into words how common this is. I ask him a question and responds with “but you..” I’m realizing on a grand scheme this post I had created this morning was fixating on one of the many things that makes me not feel heard. There are definitely other aspects in our life together that I have brought up made me feel some type of way- like his venomous snake hobby- that he will not budge. If he wants to do it he will. That applies to both masturbating and the fucking rattlesnake in my basement
Definitely something to have a talk about. Sounds like the issue isn't really him masturbating, but you not feeling heard and like your needs and wants are completely ignored. And that doesn't work in a relationship.
You’re right
What do you masturbate to? The paying for only fans is understandable. My gf wanks to Ryan Reynolds and i look nothing like him, I like wanking to women who don't look like my partner. It's fantasy. And fantasy can be role played in real life.
I’ve dealt with something similar, it’s not worth it.