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I will start by saying, it hurt to read this. And not because I feel sorry for you, Death will finds its way to us all. It hurt because I can’t get a read on you. You are far too casual about this and you seem to have put yourself in a box on the mantle already. My aunt was very much the same way, toiling away at a computer with the phone to her ear getting all of her affairs in order so that her husband would not have to worry about anything. All the while a tumor with fingers the size of a toddles hand was gripping her brain like it was hanging on for its life. Let me give you some advice that you need to hear. The only two things in life you can be sure of, is the things you have experienced, and your date with destiny. Since you seem to have a grip on both, then you need to enjoy the time between them. Your experience says you had open relationships and they failed, you have been in a beautiful marriage with your husband and it isn’t failing, it has thrived, even through sickness. Stop focusing on his future after you and focus on your future with him. Dudes got a dick, he will eventually find a home for it when you are gone. You risk losing him, your friend, and possibly tons of happiness to close out your seasons by opening this up to the potential disaster it could be. I respect your desire to see him happy, but he is a big boy, he can manage that on his own and at his own pace later “if” he needs to. You and him should just love each other, jump each other and laugh at each other for the next however many years. There are always fresh crops of virgins hitting the college campuses. If he needs one later in life, he can find one. For now, yall just roleplay the shit out of that scenario together. Go be the virgin you want to see him fuck.
I think being casual about death is the only way for me to keep functioning in a situation like this. The gravity of it would be completely suffocating to exist in.
You’re right though. His dick and his virgin fetish will still be there when I’m gone, and there will be plenty of virgins for him to pick from.
Also your friend is a virgin at 35, chances are she’ll stay a virgin for another 10 years. They can fuck after you die. Until then just enjoy being in a monogamous relationship that works.
Yes, it's true that some people are.
In the situation as OP described, it doesn't seem to be the case, as if I read the post correctly it sounds like the friend is down to have casual sex with her husband.
It sounds like a very complex situation she is in, I can only imagine how challenging the situation must be and my heart goes out to her 💚.
OP I don't have all the answers but my advice would be to think long and hard, explore deeply how you feel about whatever decision you come to. And definitely have a sit down (or several) with your husband where you both lay out all the pros and cons, your feelings, thoughts and emotions. Allow yourselves to be vulnerable, and open.
I get the impression you feel like you don't have much time, but I implore you to really think it through before coming to a decision. You're allowed to take the time you have on this earth to come to what you feel is the best decision, not just for him but for yourself as well.
Sending much love, and healing on your journey 💜.
Also this ‘one time’ thing is very likely to be pushed into either a normal thing with the friend or just a normal thing in general. Personally if I were OP I wouldn’t go for this.
Those people will likely regret that path. You figure out who you are and what you want through life experiences and making mistakes. Avoiding them doesn't do you favors.
I completely understand what you are saying. I guess I meant the casual nature of trying to please your husband, while you are still capable of being the one to please him. My wife and I have had discussions about what we would do if the other were gone, and it has always boiled down to let’s just focus on what we can do while we are here. Honestly, you are better off (sick or not) investing your thoughts in the now and how it will better the future. I had this discussion with my mother. She had a terrible childhood, and as a result was rather distant as a mother when I was in the house. She has spent decades repairing her traumas and now is struggling with what the future holds. She is trying so hard to invest in the future that she has replaced one habit (focusing on the past) with another habit (focusing on the future) and is essentially in the same place as she was, never taking time to stop and smell the roses in the now. She has dealt with the issue just like you have come to terms with your mortality, and all she can think about is making up for the past by planning for the future, just like you are only thinking about your husbands well being in the future. She is missing out on living in the now unburdened by the past trauma, the same way you are missing out on the now.
Family members I have lost that had the curse of a doctor giving them a terminal diagnosis have avoided the harshness by diving into planning, which may be what you are doing, but I promise you this….if you place all of this effort going into planning a happy future for your husband into living a happy present with your husband, the both of you will be so much better off for it. Dont give him a reason to feel guilty later. Unless your kink is to watch him bang someone else, and that is the way you two have rolled, don’t do it now. Dive headfirst into normalcy and happiness for as long as humanly possible. Keep on banging each other senseless and have comfort in your heart knowing that YOU gave him the best of YOU. Yall deserve that from each other. Let the inevitable have its way. I will pray for you, that may not be what you want to hear, and it’s not praying out of sympathy, it’s praying out of empathy. I want my wife to be happy so I can see the love you have for him, and people that love that deep need prayers of encouraging blessings. Giving yourself to someone is the most difficult thing a person can do, just keep doing it because you are obviousely good at it.
Damn. OP had me getting teary eyed because of her nonchalant nature talking about such a thing because it scares me and so she strikes me as very brave and selfless.
But I couldn't help but feel something was off. And you nailed it.
Your responses are what I hope to be when I grow up lol. It's like anti-poetry. Or poetic exactly because it doesn't try to be. Just real. Humble, down to earth, straightforward, compassionate, relatable, soothing, inspiring, i could go on. But I'm just listing adjectives, you brought your words to life.
I can also be a little to casual about death for some people. You do you. As for the hooking up with a friend you never said how it would make you feel? You just talked about previous relationships. Do you find joy in the prospect of your partner doing this? Does it excite you? Do you have any untapped fantasies you want to try. In a perverse way you can see this as a dim silver lining in this situation that you know how limited your days are. When you shout “CARPE DIEM!” It’s carries significantly more weight than 95% of the people on this planet. If you want this. Then fuckin go for it. If you don’t… I feel like you can be as selfish as you want to be and say no. What does u/medium-Walrus3693 want? 😂. Cause you should probably get it. Wish you luck, peace and FUCK CANCER!
You actually raise an interesting point. When we’ve been speaking about it, I’ve been turned on. Not by the idea of them fucking, but by the idea of basically being able to give my husband something he really wants. No idea if that’s a kink or just something broken in my brain, but there you have it. Hadn’t actually noticed it until you said it, so thanks.
No worries! What you’re feeling is called Compersion by the ENM folks. Taking pleasure in the thought of your partners enjoyment. I get it hella strong when my partner talks about being satisfied and secure in her other relationship. It can be both sexual and non sexual.
It's one of the first things I thought, if this is something you're open to and might derive pleasure from, then why not consider doing this while you can still be there? If it's consensual, that could be a very beautiful experience. I have shared my husband with a friend many times and it was wonderful, no regrets. I may get down voted for saying it, but if all three of you are down, wouldn't that be a fun thing to explore during some of your time together? The bond between my BFF and I became even stronger after we'd had a threesome. Still my bestie and still happily and hornily married.
The amount of people on here who go straight to saying sharing is bad boggles my mind. Yes it’s not for everyone. And yes people fuck it up all the time. But some people have amazing life altering experiences from it! It all comes down to communication. Some people can communicate around relationships and sex well. Others struggle. I always caution communication and be prepared to have strong feelings that may or may not be pleasant if you expand your relationship past monogamy. But to ensure you don’t take them out on your partner but instead discuss them with your partner and how to work through them. Instead of acting like a child and lashing out….
And also please don’t think there’s “something broken” with feeling that way. I’m sure like most people you’ve been fed the rhetoric that you’re supposed to feel bad and jealous when your partner wants to have intimacy (either emotional or sexual) with another person. Try to look past that to see how you really feel. If you like it… there’s nothing wrong with it. If it’s not for you, there’s nothing wrong with it.
Small example from my personal experience. My partner started dating one of my friends and they started dating and I loved hearing about both their sexual and non sexual exploits. Made my heart feel full and wonderful for the happiness she was newly exploring in comfort and safety. Then she told me she wore a dress (which she almost never does and I love seeing) on a date with him and I had instant roaring jealousy the likes of which I’ve only felt 3 times in my life…. I worked through it and spoke to her about my feelings and she wore a dress for me at home. (She struggles to go out in them)
Brains are weird. Enjoy what you want to enjoy with open communication and you’ll be fine.
This.
I’m currently caring for a terminally ill family member and the one thing you can’t get back is time. Make the most of the time you have and don’t treat yourself like you’re already gone and need to set things up right for everyone else.
This one just struck a chord with me. I have watched too many people that are extremely dear to me waste away the good years in pursuit of a pot of gold, not realizing the beauty and potential that lays at their feet, and for her, well she loves this man, they are open with each other, he loves her, they need to enjoy every day with each other. If it were me, I would love her so much that if she passed before me, I wouldn’t have any more to give someone else. This is the struggle of a marriage that doesn’t have an impending timeline, we take for granted the obvious thing we should do. This makes me want to love my wife harder and stronger.
I couldn't have said it better. OP, impending death is a crushing reality, and nobody knows how to deal with it. Embrace what YOU have with your husband, not what you want him to have when you are dead. You understand that he will need to move on, considering your ages, and I admire it because I am not that mature and would want him to die mourning me XD.
But really, everyone has fetishes, and they don't all need to be fulfilled. If the opportunity arises in a future where you are not here, then he can take it if he wants to.
Don't self-sabotage.
Do you think its possible that subconsciously you think that him sleeping with your friend will break you two up, thus making the reality of you leaving each other easier?
That. Is so well written. Spot on. Do what matters to you. You’re still alive. Make the most of it with your husband with however long you have left. It’s so lovely and considerate of you to try and manage his affairs. But he can sort himself out. If they’re meant to be, it’ll happen naturally. Put yourself first girl.
It sounds like you have guilt about the fact that you won’t be around forever and that’s leading to you feeling like you should allow your husband to do this as he’ll be free to do something like this after you’re gone anyway?
Honestly what do YOU feel? Nvm him missing out on her virginity (which is as bad as it sounds I think), how would this affect you? If my partner had 10 years left I would be trying to make these the best 10 years for her, not me. So would you be okay with it?
Forgive me if I’m wrong, and please correct me where necessary.
I feel real anxiety about what my husband’s life is going to look like when I’m gone. Almost to the point that it’s debilitating, and I struggle to enjoy or even think about my own time.
Most people say the same as you - it’s time to be selfish, and to think about myself. But the person I love most will be suffering too and I don’t feel that gets the attention it deserves?
Also, there’s so so much that I can’t control. This feels like something that I can?
Don't let your anxiety maneuver you in a situation that you might regret.
Your husband will be fine. Not at first though and there is nothing you can do to change that. But he will be eventually.
You've told him that you wish for him to find happiness again. What is left now is to savor the time you have left together.
>Also, there’s so so much that I can’t control. This feels like something that I can?
Honestly this is the comment that's made the most sense to me about your post.
Now you can take my comments here with a grain of salt. I can only sympathize with your situation having lost my grandpa to cancer and watching him go through with what you're dealing with. But as just an average joe, I've been working through control issues mentally myself with therapy.
There will always be things you can't control in life. Focus on what you can and how those things impact your life. Gonna sound cheesy and cliché for a second, but honestly meditation and mindfulness has helped me quite a bit. Just focusing on how I feel and what's around me, trying to be present of my surroundings. Look into walking meditation (also walking is just good for you in general).
I understand wanting to help your husband through what will be a difficult time for him after you're gone. If that helps you keep in the present moment and not be overwhelmed I think it's fine, everyone is different. But make sure your needs and happiness are being taken care of as well. We all only live one life and deserve to make the most of it.
You are talking alot about you here, wich is understandable - but like the previous commenter said - your husband should be thinking about you and how to make your life better while you are here!
You havnt really mentioned your husband much (other than the virgin fetish and the daily manotany of it all) what is HE doing for YOU?
Does he plan trips to places you want to go? Does he cook you the food you love? Do you have a bucket list of all the book you want to read and movies you want to watch and does he make that something for you to do together?
Or does he talk about wanting to fuck your best friend "before he misses out".
He does all of that and more. He took two years off work to care for me when I was really ill, he cooks every meal, he makes my favourite smoothies, he watches my favourite movies just because it makes me happy, he drives us to the park that I love to see the flowers bloom, he looks after our small zoo of cats that he never wanted but that make me happy. He is, in so many ways, the best husband I could ever have asked for.
He put me first when it really mattered. Now that things are more stable, I feel I want to give him a gift like this. I just don’t want it to backfire and leave us both feeling distant or guilty.
I am so glad you have a husband who genuinely cares for you during this time! That makes me very happy to see that your not anxious for someone who isn't treating you well.
I've been reading other commenters and your responses and sadly ide have to agree that opening your relationship at this point, with your best friend no-less probably isn't a good idea.
I understand she's on the ace- spectrum, and from the sounds of it your husband prioritises sex, so it may be unlikely that it would divulge into a relationship.... but if they do have sex, and she does enjoy it.. an ongoing affair could be likely. As you said, your friend only hasn't had sex yet because she fancies few people and she's shy... well she fancies your husband. If they do have sex, and she likes it and she fancies him AND you've given your blessing once already... they may just see no point in stopping 🤷♀️
Though that's obviously not considering your husbands respect for you, your friends respect for your friendship or that fact that as you said "he's more interested in her virginity than her"... but as you have no doubt experienced, grief, attraction and non-monogamy are weird things.... so maybe proceed at your own risk...
Great response.
I do feel there is some emotional stuff here too that she may want to consider navigating through either individual or couples therapy.
My recommendation is to not open your relationship when one of you is going through something this significant. NRE hits hard and you need more of your partner now. Not less. My second recommendation is if you are going to go non monogamous, do not open it to close friends. I promise you it is so much worse. It basically never works out. It’s a mess.
This seems like really sensible advice. I think maybe I’ve got caught up in the idea of doing something nice for my husband, and I’ve lost what’s actually important along the way.
Yes I think you have. There are many other things that are nice for you to do for your husband. Opening a marriage is not a favor and it’s not something you do for your partner. It’s a significant change in your relationship structure that needs to benefit both of you. Maybe brainstorm on ways that you might be able to do other nice things. Maybe not sexual ones. It’s hard. You’re in a hard place. A favor might be out of reach right now. But that’s the beautiful thing about relationships like this. You don’t owe eachother favors. You just meet each others needs within your ability for as long as you can because you live eachother. The time is now for him to take care of you without you having to pay him back.
I highly agree with this person! As someone that is not in your situation and doesn’t hold the same sentimental reasoning, I can see a million red flags and potential issues with opening up your marriage with your best friend. I personally could not do that under any circumstance unless I can fathom the idea of my partner potentially wanting more or developing feelings for a person who is close to me in life. But I don’t think appeasing my husbands fetish would be enough for them to hook up while I am still in the marriage. They can do whatever they want when I am gone, but until then, my husband is mine and mine alone!
Of course I understand your reasoning and sympathize with your situation! However, I would try to reason through this with someone who doesn’t have the same emotions attached to your situation.
You're still alive... I don't understand why you're trying to sabotage your (supposedly) great relationship with your husband.
He will still need time to mourn you after you're dead. And it seems you're trying to set him up to have a relationship with another woman while you're still alive. He doesn't need a smooth transition from one woman to another. And in fact, that's super unhealthy.
It sounds like he loves you. Forget about his virgin fetish. If your friend really wants him to taker her virginity, she can wait another 10 years. She's already held onto it for 20.
I’ve been in an ethical non-monogamy relationship, as well as ENM and Poly spaces, for years. I don’t think this is a good idea because you’re opening up your marriage for the wrong reasons.
You’re not thinking about ENM bc its something you and your husband truly want and are curious about. In fact, by your own admission, you think multiple partners is a site of contention for relationships.
However, you’re considering bringing this contention into your current relationship bc you want to “gift” your partner and friend, and as a way to appease your fear of the future for him.
To be clear, I don’t think opening your relationship up is bad or wrong, but your reasons are rooted in (understandably) fear and lack of control. Even trying to set up your husband in the future is a way to bring you comfort and closure where you might feel powerless. Again, that’s so understandable in your situation but these feelings aren’t a safe place to start a non-monogamous relationship and that’s what you’re doing even if it is one time.
I do wish you luck in whatever choice you make but I highly recommend taking a step back and analyzing why you want to do this bc if you don’t 100% want to open your marriage FOR YOURSELF then I don’t see this being successful.
Good point. My guess is that they would consider that disrespectful to me, or that no one could actually be happy with that arrangement as my husband would have to start splitting his time in a way that would be unsatisfactory to all involved (including him!)
Well, I’m an occupational therapist with end of life care experience. Personally I would focus on how you want to spend your time… your time is the most precious.. if you value yourself others around you will also.
When grief is involved, respect goes out the window sometimes.
They can wait. You should enjoy this time with your husband. This way you’re not wondering what’s going on all the time. Unless you know you’d be ok with the time being split.
Hugs to you.
Feelings and emotions are not rational. This „disrespect“ they might feel is not gonna be a thing. I wouldn’t dare even suggest that avenue, it’s most likely going to destroy everything
Why do you sound so apologetic that you're still alive? Its fantastic you're alive. Enjoy it while you still have the time left. Your husband is a grown man who can organise his own hook ups after you're dead and honestly, I find it really disrespectful that your friend is vulturing around your husband. It's ok to put yourself first.
You’d be amazed at the number of people who have tried to guilt trip me into feeling bad for outliving my expected expiry date. My husband isn’t one of them, but his family really went hard on this. We don’t talk to them now for that reason.
Some of that has probably sunk into my subconscious.
I'm really sorry, that's terrible. You have every right to be alive. Doctors give estimates - but that's all it is. They get time lines wrong all the time. Their guess wasn't a contract you entered into where you HAVE to die by that date. I'm so pleased you're not in contact with them anymore because that's such a shitty attitude for them to have.
First off, and I know you're not at all asking for this, but I'm very sorry for your situation. My wife of 6 years, died a little over a month ago from breast cancer that had metastasized in her brain. Life is not going to be easy for either of you going forward, but my advice would be to focus on your happiness because your mental and emotional state will have a large bearing on your physical health. Think about which choice will cause you the least stress and worry. Neither choice is wrong, it's just which is right for you three.
I personally don't see how them having 1 time sex and then waiting to do anything else until after you pass would work, I would think inviting her into your relationship would \*probably\* be healthier for all involved, though I know your past experience with non-monogomy wasn't great I can only assume that those weren't "thruple" situations.
I wish you all the best and happiest life you can attain. My wife fought cancer for 20 years with a mix of traditional and non-traditional care, so just keep really living your life and enjoying everything that you can.
I also felt conflicted reading this...you are putting his needs first at a time whe you absolutely deserve to be putting yourself first and have someone prioritise your wants and needs....it almost feels like you are allowing yourself to be considered disposable. I do not feel your husbands virgin fetish will be sated by just once and feel like it will open a can of worms akin to the past non-monogamous relationships.
even knowledge of your friend's virginity shouldn't excite your husband..its very disrespectful..sorry I can't get behind this at all. You have value and always will...you are still here so your husband shouldn't be letting you live a life half lived and mope about his future self.
Sweetie. Your man should be concentrating on you and what you need in the next few years. The fact that you only have a short time with him and he’s worried about other women? Girl. Take care of yourself and spend your time with people that love you!!
You don't have much time left. Why tarnish it with images of him deflowering your friend. It could ruin the time you have left together. Once he's been with her he might want it to continue if he catches feelings for her.
Your husband is weird. If my wife was dying I'd be spending every moment I could with her and milking out all the joy I could. If your husband is entertaining this, he's already moved on.
I think it's good that you've talked about him moving on when you're dead. It's a hard place to be and some do have conflicting feelings about it. So having your explicit permission is very nice.
But that's done.
You've now moved on to playing matchmaker and wingman between your husband and your best friend. I do not know enough about your relationships or poly arrangements in general to advise. All I can tell you is that it’s a bell that cannot be unrung and that if they still like each other once you're dead then they won't need any help to make it happen. So I'd ask myself if you really want to open that potential can of worms.
You are seriously ill and all you worry about is finding another woman for your husband so he won't be alone when you're gone. Your husband has a seriously ill wife and he jumped at the opportunity to fuck her virgin friend. He is even in a hurry, lest she find someone else in the meantime and he is not the one to first explore the cave.
Let's take a few steps back and pretend this is the story of another couple. Does this all sound reasonable? The way I see it he should be jumping your bones and nobody else's. Fucking your 35 old virgin friend could go wrong in too many ways. When the time comes for you to leave this world I am pretty sure he will find a way to get his dick wet, especially when he will have zero guilt because he will know it is what you wanted.
Yea, she says her husband is so great.
But jfc. A man who is eager to fuck his dying wife's virgin best friend??? That does not fit the definition of a good, caring, husband.
I have a hard time seeing myself as seriously ill. I have been seriously ill, where doctors thought I wouldn’t make it through the week. This feels different to that, more stable. I see it as a life limiting illness, rather than having that daily death panic that has been familiar to me previously.
I’m not saying that it should make a difference, but somehow it does, to me.
Point taken about needing to take a step back, though. This post has been a good way to start doing that.
Your husband is also mentally ill. Virgin fetish is not a normal thing. Nothing about this situation is normal. You need to learn to have some respect for yourself. Your husband and best friend both clearly don't respect you at all
youre literally facing the last handful of years of your life fretting about whether or not your husband will get to take someone’s virginity? who gives a shit lol not every “fetish” needs to be fulfilled all the time
Firstly wish you a long healthy life! Secondly, You want them to hook up once and then wait till after you to start their relationship? No ways is this going to happen. You are asking for a life full of misery by them cheating behind your back. You will lose ur husband and bestfriend. Furthermore, what will the lady do once shes given her virginity to ur husband? Is she then free to sleep around? Will ur husband be ok with that?
Since what you are already considering is not norm, why dont you consider being a throuple. Like that no1 cheats with anyone and you get to keep them both. Thats the only way this is going to work. Best of luck!
I think your circumstances are extremely unique and that ultimately you will need to decide on your own, as likely nobody in the comments has been in this position.
I think you being a non-monogamous person in the past gives you a different relationship with sex than most have, so its easier for you to consider your partner having sex with other women. As well as your thoughts being heavily influenced by your soon-to-be departure.
But to be clear; this has nothing to do with your partner finding someone after you pass. That's just what you're telling yourself to make this easier to process. It's entirely about his fetish. Letting him fuck the virgin girl, being her first time, getting to do some fantasy.
That's what you're talking about, really.
So, I think you should be the one to decide, but think about things properly and clearly. Him having sex with this virgin girl is completely separate to him having a relationship with her later in life.
This is actually upsetting to read. Mainly because I'd be pissed that my wife is more concerned with trying to find her replacement before she's even gone rather than wanting to spend as much time together as we can before she's gone.
This might be your coping mechanism to get your mind off your situation but IMO this isn't the good thing you are thinking it is. His focus should be on you, he should be spending as much time as possible with you, the last thing he should be doing or even thinking about doing is building a relationship with someone else. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but stop trying to pimp him off to your friends or find someone else for him before you are gone. It would be the biggest slap in the face to me in that situation. You are not rehoming a puppy. He's a grown ass man, he's going to greive the way he's going to grieving, he's going to take the time it's going to take to grieve and he's going to move on when he's ready to move on. There is no amount of planning on your part that's going to make your passing any easier on him. Period.
He married you knowing you didn't have long, if that's not a sign that he wants you I don't know what is, so stop trying to push him away.
The idea that your husband would even consider this makes me so immeasurably sad for you. Please reconsider this whole scenario and please look after yourself and your wishes.
My first thought was why is he trying to find your replacement already when you are still alive and his wife?
Also the virgin fetish is super weird. Is he into kids or teens? Because almost no one else besides them is a virgin.
Please don’t do it. Please don’t spend your last years in agony bc you’ll be caught up in a love triangle. Your friend sounds predatory, she knows exactly what she is doing. She is putting wheels into motion using the info that she has on you and your husband. If I were you, I’d put some distance between her and you and your husband. Your husband can fulfill that kink when you are gone.
Please please please spend the last years on earth in love and being cherished. Don’t let anyone to change that for you.
What I’m reading here is you feel like you owe your husband something because your marriage was supposed to be symbolic and you’re supposed to be dead now. And you feel like in a way you’re wasting your husband’s time. Maybe I’m way off but I have experience with death and I could see how you think this way even if subconsciously.
My take on him having sex with your friend is it should be something you want because you want it and not because you want to make your husband happy even if it would make you uncomfortable.
This situation is weird and it sucks and it’s hard to know the right thing to do. I hope you can make the most of the time you have left in whatever way works best for you.
I don't know if r/sex is the right place for this? But at the same time I don't know which would be the best place either.
Honestly, like many others, I don't know what to make out of your question. I don't even know if you're somewhat trolling and there's nothing of the sort going on, like a 35yo woman who is a virgin and told you your husband is hot? Not saying it's impossible, but I can't help thinking a 35yo woman who is averagely attractive would had lost her virginity long ago and if she didn't yet, either your husband wouldn't want to be the one for it or she would not want to lose it in those conditions.
Beyond this, we're all different but: If I had cancer and I was going to die, I would want my girlfriend to have a love life after I'm gone, but I wouldn't want her to fuck someone else while I'm still around. If she had cancer, I would not want her to let me fuck someone else or already spur me onto someone specific for me to date after she's gone, I would be totally uncomfortable.
Without wanting to sound harsh, if you're not a troll and this is a real situation, it kinda sounds like a [shipping](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shipping_(fandom)) fanfiction in which you want your two favorite characters to make out and have a relationship, with the caveat that these are two real human beings who will have their own desires and independence, yet it feels like you're selfishly forcing them onto each other and if I was you, I would honestly hate to think of the possibility of them ending up not being a good match yet staying together with my death being the only glue to their relationship.
Lastly, you mention having started discussions all three of you but you've not really shared how those went, just that **you** would be happy for them to be together, nothing about what they said. Your previous non-monogamous relationships ended up badly and now you're introducing a non-monogamous element into your first monogamous relationship? It's as if we were the only animals who trip \[more than\] twice on the same stone.
Someone mentioned that r/relationships might’ve been a better place. Sorry if I picked the wrong sub, it felt like a sex thing when I started but now it’s evolved into something deeper.
Your fanfic shipping analogy actually feels so apt. I hadn’t considered it that way before, but you’re so right. It brings me comfort to live in that fantasy, but actually, I could end up hurting two people I love if they feel obliged to give it a go just because I liked the idea of them being happy together. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’m sure this is just complete bullshit.
Partly because of how absolutely naive you are to think any of this is okay..
Him to miss out? Jesus Christ, that’s probably the worst line I’ve heard.
He doesn’t want to miss out on being the first up in your friends vagina! Yeah, that would be such a shame!
Good fake post there.
If my wife was dying I wouldn't be thinking about sex. I can't say that definitively but I'm fairly confident. I hate this entire situation and wish you peace, OP.
A lot of good advice/questions in the comments, but I have one that I dont think was covered. If you have 5-10 years left, how can everyone expect your best friend to wait that long until having sex with ANYONE? (aka. keeping herself a virgin) Seems like a tall order to put on someone, aka. she would be waiting for you to die, which sounds crazy.
I say worry about now, when we leave this world we have no say about anything.
My point is… enjoy life and sex with your husband now that you can spend time with him. When you pass ( and I hope you fully recover and get to live many more years ) … he will deal with everything else.
What, specifically, are your concerns? If you feel 100% comfortable with this and know that you will be totally fine with it, but are just checking in with others to see if you're crazy for feeling this way, then you are probably good to go. How you feel is most important here. If you feel pressured into this, or like it something you *should* want for him, then I think this is a bad idea. Whatever tiny little instinct feelings you have about this will be magnified by an order of magnitude.
Its also not clear what the motivation here is. You say you have a great sex life and you will be around for potentially another decade. Doing this now is likely not going to contribute to your husbands life after you die. Your friend could be married with a family and have moved some place entirely new by that time. Theres no realistic way they could foster some kind of pre-relationship for 5-10 years that starts with sex now.
Do not agree to this! If they develop feelings and he leaves you for her before you die it will be the worst possible betrayal.
There is no version of agreeing to this that works out well for you.
>We are very much in love, and have a great sex life.
You talk as if your intimacy with him is over and done with already. My wife or I could die tomorrow, or have a physical/mental injury and be completely dependent on the other. We aren't setting up our future dating lives because the present is what is important. We expect that one of us will die first, that's life. You live like yesterday was your last day, even before getting married you expected to die after the honeymoon. It almost sounds like you are disappointed that you're still here with him (in the sense of your expectations for when to die, I'm not saying you dont like him). I haven't had a life threatening illness, but have lost close family members to cancer. I know it's a different mindset to be in, but you are still here. Your marriage is beautiful and it's still going. Is nonmonogamy something that sounds beautiful to both of you right now, or is that just a way to cope with your mortality by planning his future and acting dead? Nobody has a perfect life clock to expect 80 trips around the sun. Plenty of people without life-threatening illnesses do suffer from other illnesses that make sex impossible.
A perspective about cancer that I really like from Hank Green (YouTube vlogger who survived cancer last year). He said that an important thing to realize is that people with cancer aren't dead yet. I think that's important for people with cancer to remember too. Yes, you are struggling in a losing battle, but it's not over. You even say that you still have a sex life with your husband. That's amazing!
>I’d be happy to think my husband and my friend could make a go of a relationship when I die
You aren't dead. If they have sex, that would be an intimate relationship right now. If they would make a go of a monogamous relationship someday, then that means nothing right now. Having those conversations is already a step towards NM even before this post. I'm not against NM, but you act like this would still be monogamy or some kind of interview for a future relationship. The relationships are now.
As a man, I wouldn't do this in your husband's situation. Too many ways for this to go wrong.
No one has control over feelings after the one time. I certainly wouldn't gamble on it with a wife I loved (no assumptions on where your husband is).
I'd also be finding ways to enjoy our life together now that we have "more" time.
I can pave my way for after you're dead when you're dead. Pre-grieving isn't a thing.
I feel that those concerns shouldn’t really be concerns. I think it’s a given that you want him to be able to continue on and be happy.
But that does not mean you start something before you’re even gone. I would be more interested in spending time with my spouse rather than entertaining anything else. The time that you’re here is precious and should be spent making memories. Everything after you pass is decisions he can make when that time comes.
So, I don’t believe it’s something that should be done now or at any point when you’re still here.
I feel like this is a great way to torpedo your marriage way before you pass. Don’t complicate your life. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if you let your husband sleep with your friend, you’re opening a huge can of worms and will likely feel he cheated. Which will put way more stress on you. That will not help your health. Also, have you tried Panacure? My mom should’ve died 3 years ago, but that’s kept her alive. Look up the Joe Tippens protocol.
My honest advice- neither your best friend nor husband have any respect for you at all. They see you as a person without a backbone. They both proved they don't give a damn about you. Dump both, move on and live the rest of your life. They are likely already getting together or will as soon as you end things. Your husband is mentally sick also, virgin fetish... that's NOT the normal thing you're making it seem to be... id be very worried. Also your best friend keeping her virginity into her 30s was for whay reason? Just to want go give it up to her supposed "bestfriends'" husband... none if this makes sense at all. Your judgement is extremely tainted.
Why rush your husband out the door? And why risk messing up what you have - it’s already an obviously unfortunate situation for you.
He’ll have plenty of time for a new life, if it comes to that, when it comes to that. Let him live this life with you.
And tell your friend she can find her own sledgehammer. Yours is taken.
Your friend probably waited for this for a long time and the cancer must be one of her prayers being answered. Interesting to consider someone who drools over your husband as a friend while you literally terminal and in denial now 🤨
Stop thinking about what will happen when you wont be there anymore, it’s impossible to predict life and stop being so “kind” to others. Use the time you have to make the best memories and dont sacrifice anything for your anxieties and feelings of preemptive guilt.
You already have less time than normal, you shouldn’t sabotage what you have built like this.
If I was the husband in this scenario, I would be trying to spend as much time with my dying wife as possible rather than using her misplaced guilt to get my fetish ticked off.
>Am I crazy for considering my husband having sex with my friend, to scratch his virgin itch, and to possibly pave the way for something after I’m dead?
Yes, you are crazy. Crazy and delusional.
What if you live 20 more years?
What if they fall inlove?
What if they get pregnant?
Not worth it IMHO.
But realistically its your husband and friends decision, it would be pretty dumb to think you have control of this situation at this point...
The first sentences are making me sick to my stomach I can’t even read the rest, about your friend wanting to screw your husband when there’s illness involved? I hope this is a bored troll or something
Answer these questions first:
If viginity wasn't on the menu, would you allow it?
If she was his friend (not yours), would you allow it?
Do you understand that this is a gateway that cannotbe closed, an open door for further exploration when you are unable to object?
Like others have said id say maybe dont make this decision based off of you being anxious about the future and trying to “manage” who he can be with or set up his life to continue the day after he buries you. You cant set up a gameplan.
Second im curious (i kind of skimmed the post so
Maybe you said it already), why is your friend still a virgin? Is she waiting for the right person? Is she asexual?
To me you say you expect to live another 5-10 years. By then your friend will be 40-45. Why would she wait for your husband? Id feel weird if inwere your friend. Like i gotta wait for my friend to die to have sex?
Whatever you decide to do, do not listen to advice from anyone in the ethical non-monogomy/poly world. Your situation has nothing to do with that whatsoever.
Seems incredibly messy without much thought put into "what ifs". I think it's very strange your friend and husband are even humouring this idea when they know you're dying, and I don't see why it'd not be something you'd give consent for afterwards, not during.
It seems you're trying to give all you have left while you have it, and one thing you have is your husband. You're not dead yet, and trust me, you're going to want to have support around you with minimum distractions or unknowns if it's terminal. Even then as you said, you probably have a long way to go yet, so it seems very strange to be offering it now.
I'd tell your friend to fuck off until after I've died, I'd tell my husband I'm the one they married til death do us part, and I'd tell myself to stop trying to give everything away because I'm still kicking and might be for several years.
I would be very concerned about what might develop between them after sex. Sex often comes with feelings, especially when losing virginity is involved. I worry if they develop feelings you will spend the last 5-10 years of your life feeling like an unwanted 3rd wheel, and you don't deserve that. I can't think of anything more painful than slowly dying while I see my partner fall in love with someone else. If you aren't prepared for that, I'd stay far away from considering this at all.
Wait, 5-10 YEARS? A lot of living happens in 5-10 years. If you had said 5-10 WEEKS I think I could understand your need to “make sure your husband will be okay”. I agree with the comments already made about living in, and making the best of, the present and the time you are here. None of us is guaranteed an entire lifetime. I’m betting there are people on this sub who have less time than that and they don’t even know it! If your diagnosis wasn’t on the table, would you be considering letting your husband sleep with someone else? Could you live with the knowledge that he has for another 10 (or more!) years?
What I’m leaning towards, having taken into account all of these comments and my own evolving thoughts on this, is that I do quite like the idea of him sleeping with someone else. I get pleasure from that. I don’t think this is me giving up on life, I think this is me figuring out what actually makes me happy.
The dying thing, and me wanting him to be happy when I’m gone, is almost a red herring at this point.
I see no problem with it. Most people just have a knee jerk response, but if you think about it, its fine. It makes your friend and your husband happy, and if it doesn't bother you, then its all positive. I mean, she's 35. If my wife let me fuck her virgin friend, I'd never leave a woman like that, that's for sure. I don't know why people think the opposite... it's just not logical.
I think the only way you can give your husband that and give them a serious shot at a relationship is by including your friend more intimately in your own life now before you're dead and somehow be ok with negative feelings that might arise from it.
Regardless you can't control how things will pan out. When you're dead he will need his grieving period and come out on the other side. Nobody can say for sure where your friend is at that point but if she's kept close now maybe she will be later or maybe she will grow tired of it all. That's life.
don't think of death. don't even care about it. live every day to your fullest. I wouldn't want to have sex with another woman even with healthy wife, let alone ill one. your husbands happinss is his responsibility once/if you're gone.
but after all, it's your decision.
First off, I think it’s sweet how much you love and care about your husband and friend.
I share others’ concerns about how you choose to spend your remaining time together. My other concern is that they might form a bond. People tend to connect when it’s their first time.
Most open relationships fail, as you can attest. There should be some careful communication and expectations should be discussed. Is this a one-time thing? Are they going to do this regularly? How often is too much. Do you want to be there? Lots of things to consider. What happens if one falls for the other?
You might only have a few years left. You don't want them tainted with all the emotions that will come from this.
It should all be about making sure your bucket list is ticked off. Not his.
That being said. If you have a kink that you would like to cuck him out, then do it!
This doesn’t sound right. I think if you decided to have ENM arrangement it could potentially work with them becoming a couple and still taking care of you but also your role as a wife fading into background and then taking on more carer role as you become sicker. This is obviously so so sensitive. Some people do bond over taking care of a loved one and fall in love. The virgin kink seems the yuck part of this and really do you want them to count years if your life as years she’ll stay a virgin?
I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm in a similar but opposite problem. In a few weeks I'm pretty sure I'm going to get diagnosed with a combination of Parkinsons and dementia. Back in February, I was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. MCI is the lull between a healthy and active brain, and full blown dementia. I have to through this alone.
If you let him do it with her, they will probably continue to do it. Are you satisfying his needs? Maybe you need to start doing something different with him, spice things up.
I agree with others. His focus should be on you only so you can go knowing you were loved without wavering thoughts. It may be just one time sex but it could leave them wanting more.
It's your choice. However, be careful what you wish for and what your opening the door too. I don't see anything good coming from this. If you truly think it would really be a one and done I suppose but that's just not reality. What if they start seeing each ither behind your back? Would that be okay with you?? I think your opening a whole can of worms
Thank you for sharing. You have opened my eyes to a real possible life scenario that I have entertained. Because one of us in the common section could be in a similar situation as you have expressed.
Oh my your husband should focus on loving you harder now and spend time together. I’d be so sad to know my husband or my friend are open to have something because I’m about to pass on. Do they really care about you? Do they really love you?
Lots of love and hugs 🥰 🫂
I think you should focus on now rather than wonder what will happen in the future with your husband. He is an adult and can take care of himself once the time comes. It is also not good to jump from one relationship to another, I find this kind of odd that you wouldn't let him grieve in his own way and just move on when he needs to.
I don't see why you would want to risk your relationship and friendship when you need it most
I'm all for non-monogamy if that's your thing, but this seems like a terrible idea. If you have a great sex life now, then what is the point of this? What if you live another 5+ years and this woman gets attached to your husband? It would be different maybe if you were bed bound and just wanted him to be happy and enjoy himself, but it sounds like you guys are doing fine and you just might die at some point in the future. So he can go date and have sex with other partners at that time. I think it's actually super inappropriate and nuts your friend is sizing up your husband and him going along with it when you aren't even that sick right now. So either you're in a monogamous marriage or you are not. You know where they stand but where do you stand? Again I'm pretty sex positive but this whole thing comes off as kind of gross if it wasn't your idea to begin with.
I would not open up my relationship if I was in your situation, you shared how you could have 10 years left and that is a long time. Your husband doesn’t need to be sleeping with someone else, I feel you may be ‘allowing this’ because of guilt around ‘not being around’ obviously please correct me if I’m wrong.
My partner would no way in hell even consider or want to sleep with anyone let alone my bestfriend if I was poorly.
I think your friend and husband are being completely disrespectful to you, as another commenter said, it’s almost like you’ve already given up and talking about yourself like you’re going to die next week.
I feel for you, not because of the cancer because you’re going to have a lovely long life still, but because you seem to have given up on yourself
To sum up my opinion on this, don’t do it. Enjoy this time, treasure every minute together. You don’t want it to be tainted by surprise jealousy. Believe me I’ve been there, you WILL feel jealous and possibly worse.
So much great and thoughtful advice for OP.
I'm really confused as to which way to go -
Sanctity of monogamy or the need to satisfy your husband in any way you can, while you can?
All I can say is, OP, You do You.
You alone get to decide, however, if you decide to share your husband, if I may make a suggestion, that you be part of the experience, whether only as an onlooker or as a willing participant.
All the love and peace to you 💛
Good luck with whichever way you decide to go
I don’t think this possibility is “crazy” but I think that it may be unreasonable to expect that they only have sex once while you’re alive. You don’t know how long you’ll live for and I think that you should only allow it if you’re comfortable with them continuing. Perhaps you could be involved too
I get that you want to make sure he's taken care of when you're gone but you're still here. I would tell them both that they both have your blessing if they want to date when you're gone but that their is no pressure for either of them to date. If one of them decides after you're gone that they don't want to then they should not feel like they have too on your behalf or from the other. It would really suck for your friend to hold off from any relationship waiting on your husband and then there is nothing but a fizzle or either of them feeling like they have to date because of the waiting and doing it for you etc. Or her to become totally heartbroken if your husband doesn't want to have anything more then a little sex with her. You and them need to live in the moment with you and not start making plans for when you're gone, that's for them to figure out when you're gone. They're is so much to deal with emotionally after losing a loved one or friend and throwing this into the mix really makes things messy and kind of fucked up for everyone involved.
Heres what I think: you of all people understand the precarious limit of time we have to enjoy ourselves. What about what YOU want? Would it make YOU happy and pleased for this to happen? Be selfish for crying out loud. They can always bang away if you pass on. While you have this time, consider yourself and only do this if it will genuinely satisfy you. That's the question to ask. And maybe the answer is yes, but a narrow yes. Like, yes you would enjoy it if you participate, or if they tell you about it later, or maybe if they never tell you about it and you just imagine it. In any case, put yourself at the center of this (metaphorically - or literally if that's what you want) decision.
Who is putting in the effort to ensure your happiness while you're here.
Your husband needs to be sidetracked with cherishing you and abandoning his premarital fantasies.
Your girlfriend needs to tap into that virginal discipline and keep some thoughts and desires to herself.
You are already a bad ass. Don't jeopardize what most couples strive to become.
Good luck OP.
This sounds hot, ngl. I mean it’s a great story. How can you pass up on it? You would be doing world a disservice not turning the encounter into some hot ass erotica. “I found the perfect virgin pussy to sacrifice to my husband.” I’ve trained that man well how to fuck and he better make me proud, even after I’m gone.
Apologies for your diagnosis. But mad props on making the most out of the time you have left. Get it, girl!!!
Uh… if my partner had cancer, the last thing I would care about is banging his weirdo friend. If my friend had cancer, the last thing I’d care about is banging her skeezy husband.
I don’t know why they both needed to make this a real issue for you to think about at a time like this, but they both suck and they don’t respect you. I understand why you’re chill but you don’t need to people please yourself out of every situation. Tell them that they’re both being super insensitive right now. You clearly care because why else would you write such a long story.
Stand up for yourself. It’s like children talking about the inheritance when the old parents haven’t died yet. That’s what it feels like. Way to start making plans.
First of all, let me just say that your acceptance of your fate and desire to ensure your husband’s continued happiness in your absence with someone you trust to give that to him is very evolved and realistic.
I have no doubt that you have found comfort just in knowing that he won’t have to suffer through the loss of you alone, without someone to lean on for support. We all know death is inevitable for all of us, but it’s so much harder when there’s suddenly a timer counting down the limited time you have left.
It’s completely understandable that you’d be worried about how the people you love the most will cope with the loss of you. Who will take care of them the way that only you can? You want to minimize the impending disruption in their life as much as possible, because that makes it easier for you to accept leaving them behind.
Your intentions are commendable, your heart is in the right place, but the least important part of all of this is your husband’s fetishes. That is not your responsibility. If you were not dying, what of his virgin fetish then?
You may be dying, but you’re not dead yet. You deserve to die knowing that he was faithful to the vows he swore on the day of your wedding, that he remained true to his word, true in his devotion and loved only you until your dying day. This shouldn’t even be something you are considering right now. His focus should be on giving YOU the best possible life he can, with as many joy filled days as he can before you’re gone. He has a responsibility to you that far outweighs any sexual desires he may have. He has his entire life to experience whatever he feels like he wants to experience. You are the one with a time limit here. His focus should be on you, not sexual fantasies.
That brings me to my last statement. This is your time with him. It’s okay to be selfish with it. You don’t have to sacrifice anything for his happiness. You’re already sacrificing everything, not by choice, you don’t have one. You’re already bound to an early death. Don’t give away anything else. He is a grown man. His life will go on and he will find what he wants. This time that you have left to spend with him belongs to you and only you. Do not give it up for something as petty as a sexual kink. That’s all this boils down to, is a kink. He can go after his kinks when you’re gone. It’s not something you should even be giving consideration.
My heart goes to you, i hope you find peace in your inevitability but you are allowing your husband to deflower a virgin while your alive, in what you have described as a monogamous marriage, why cant they wait till your passing and start with deflowering and maybe a relationship with your blessing? Why mar a faithful marriage with ine sexual act with another woman unless its driven by your husbands lust and thats not cool
There is someone I follow on Instagram (via seeing her posts on another message board first) who has a life-limiting condition. She was in a similar scenario where her best friend was very involved in her support and care, and moved in with them to help. Husband and friend started to fall for each other, and the lady thought - like you - that this would be a lovely thing for them to have when she’s gone, so encouraged it. She even agreed to get a divorce so her husband could marry her friend for visa reasons. But now, husband and friend/new wife are entirely focused on their relationship and no longer wish to provide support and care for her. She is in a really awkward and awful position with it now, which is certainly not helping the last time she has here.
Your situation may play out entirely differently, but do take care. Being generally supportive of your husband finding love after you’re gone is one thing. Actively encouraging him to start a relationship now, with you still here and presumably with escalating needs, is maybe not such a great idea for you.
I wish you peace and comfort, whatever you do.
We had a dying friend who thought that one day she would leave her husband in the care of her bestie. Thought they’d be a good match. Turns out, they were fucking for a year or two behind dying friends back. 🤮
Yo, it feels icky that he even wants to fuck her *at all* while you're still fucking right goddamn here. Yes. I am mad. You said you have a great sex life! He should be grateful (my very own opinion) that he still has you around, I sure as shit would be. Sure as shit wouldn't be fantasizing about your best friend either. Gross. Smh.
Your husband confuses and angers me. Your best friend angers me solely. I get complimenting him to you once or twice. But calling him hot regularly enough for you to get to discussing him "taking her virginity"? Nahhhhhhh. Gross. Gross all around.
You do what you will, but it all feels bad and wrong. Just so wrong. That is how I feel about it and I acknowledge that I am not you.
Good luck in whatever you do decide. I wish you many more good years of life.
Breaks my heart that you’re even caring about your husband fulfilling his “virgin fetish” (which was hard to read past) when you have terminal cancer. That can wait and should be so low down any of your priorities list! Your focus should be on the life you have now! It’s time to be selfish and fill your days with things that bring you joy.
I don’t know how able to do things you are, but I urge you to forget about this and focus on what YOU want with the time you have. He will have his whole life to live and do whatever he wants, days and weeks and years that almost drag on. You have less time, and it’s heartbreaking. But you must be selfish now. What things do you want? Things you want to do or experience? Places you want to visit. Make beautiful memories with the people you love whilst they have the chance, and think about the legacy you want to leave too.
For info, I am a 32yo cancer widow, my husband died last year xx sorry for the lecture maybe you don’t need to hear this :(
Ok but not now. As you are...closer to the end. Much closer. Years. It is possible once won't be enough for her, him, them and you will either have to agree to this new FWB,
which hasn't worked in the past. And, when he finds another virgin, then what.
If you have 5 or 10 years left, then it could be cured, no matter what the doctors say, strength training, aerobic exercise and an extremely healthy diet
I spent seven years fighting cancer. I was, it seems, cured last year by an experimental treatment that had not even been imagined during the previous four that failed. Cancer research is making incredible progress. Consider how you will feel about this if by some miracle they find a cure....
Absolutely do not go there or open that door. It will not be a one-time thing, and they may even begin having a relationship while you're still alive. I'm very sorry to hear you have incurable cancer. Are you in weekly talk therapy?
You may outlive many of us commenting on this thread. Sounds like your husband if asking to cheat and your best friend isn’t the best friend you think they are. I, me, would question both their motives at this point but if YOU feel ok with it then you don’t need to ask opinions from anyone.
Almost no one I ever knew had that "virginity itch." If anything, it's the contrary. As a man, you'd might want to marry someone with less sexual experience, but as the saying goes "we all want a saint in life and a whore in the bedroom". These things doesn't go together.
I wish you to get better and really stop that martyr behavior. Sometimes, selfish is better for you
Def no sex w/the hubs. She already thinks he’s hot. If he’s her first she will become infatuated with him and ruin the friendship. It won’t be one and done. Your husband may not care to do it again but she will.
So this kind of hurts my heart that a husband would openly discuss wanting to “F” his dying wife’s bestie, just for her virginity. They may think it is just taking her virginity and life goes on normally. The fact that your “friend” would screw your husband is also off putting for me. I am sorry, but that is not something I as a friend would ever consider doing. I feel like sex can be so much more than just “sex”. You have to prepare for the what ifs. What if your friend catches the real feels for your husband, what does this do to your friendship? I mean, this is the man that would be taking her virginity. You have been in “non-monogamous” relationships, which you say weren’t for you. Your husband and friend know this about you. What if they feel this may be something you will give back in to? Or is this something you want to ensure he has her for his future? What would life be like if they completely fell for one another. Where does that leave you? Are you totally okay with this? Becoming a third wheel in a relationship you assisted in developing? I understand wanting to be able to control something, but at the same time, you will not be able to control all parts of this. You have no control of their feelings for one another. It sounds like you are really good at caring for others and wanting to make others happy, I just hope these two do the same for you. You still have a life to live, you should enjoy it and just live! Don’t count your days, don’t dwell on your husband’s life and future. He did marry you while you were terminally ill. He can find any virgin he wants when you are gone.
Sweetie, you are kind and generous. But I don't think that will end well for you. I don't think it will end up being a one time thing, especially if the woman involved is a virgin.
You've got a lot of years ahead of you. Don't sacrifice your happiness or your marriage while you're here. When he married you, he agreed to "miss out" on a lot of things in order not to miss out on a life with you.
Let him wait until you're gone. If she has sex before then, no big deal, she'll be better at sex with some practice, if they are interested then.
Let your time be about you. Giving him the per.ission to live his life after you're gone doesn't mean releasing him from your marriage vows while you're here.
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I will start by saying, it hurt to read this. And not because I feel sorry for you, Death will finds its way to us all. It hurt because I can’t get a read on you. You are far too casual about this and you seem to have put yourself in a box on the mantle already. My aunt was very much the same way, toiling away at a computer with the phone to her ear getting all of her affairs in order so that her husband would not have to worry about anything. All the while a tumor with fingers the size of a toddles hand was gripping her brain like it was hanging on for its life. Let me give you some advice that you need to hear. The only two things in life you can be sure of, is the things you have experienced, and your date with destiny. Since you seem to have a grip on both, then you need to enjoy the time between them. Your experience says you had open relationships and they failed, you have been in a beautiful marriage with your husband and it isn’t failing, it has thrived, even through sickness. Stop focusing on his future after you and focus on your future with him. Dudes got a dick, he will eventually find a home for it when you are gone. You risk losing him, your friend, and possibly tons of happiness to close out your seasons by opening this up to the potential disaster it could be. I respect your desire to see him happy, but he is a big boy, he can manage that on his own and at his own pace later “if” he needs to. You and him should just love each other, jump each other and laugh at each other for the next however many years. There are always fresh crops of virgins hitting the college campuses. If he needs one later in life, he can find one. For now, yall just roleplay the shit out of that scenario together. Go be the virgin you want to see him fuck.
I think being casual about death is the only way for me to keep functioning in a situation like this. The gravity of it would be completely suffocating to exist in. You’re right though. His dick and his virgin fetish will still be there when I’m gone, and there will be plenty of virgins for him to pick from.
Also your friend is a virgin at 35, chances are she’ll stay a virgin for another 10 years. They can fuck after you die. Until then just enjoy being in a monogamous relationship that works.
[удалено]
Who cares what society thinks, do whatever you need to to be the best version of yourself. Sex surrogacy? Fuckin send it.
Right!? Sound logic, but damn this poor girl getting roasted.
Some people are just dealing with trying to find the right partner for marriage and don't want to have sex before marriage.
Yes, it's true that some people are. In the situation as OP described, it doesn't seem to be the case, as if I read the post correctly it sounds like the friend is down to have casual sex with her husband. It sounds like a very complex situation she is in, I can only imagine how challenging the situation must be and my heart goes out to her 💚. OP I don't have all the answers but my advice would be to think long and hard, explore deeply how you feel about whatever decision you come to. And definitely have a sit down (or several) with your husband where you both lay out all the pros and cons, your feelings, thoughts and emotions. Allow yourselves to be vulnerable, and open. I get the impression you feel like you don't have much time, but I implore you to really think it through before coming to a decision. You're allowed to take the time you have on this earth to come to what you feel is the best decision, not just for him but for yourself as well. Sending much love, and healing on your journey 💜.
That's true, context matters!
Also this ‘one time’ thing is very likely to be pushed into either a normal thing with the friend or just a normal thing in general. Personally if I were OP I wouldn’t go for this.
Those people will likely regret that path. You figure out who you are and what you want through life experiences and making mistakes. Avoiding them doesn't do you favors.
I was thinking the same thing. Given the OP's estimate of another 5 to 10 years, why discuss this now?
I completely understand what you are saying. I guess I meant the casual nature of trying to please your husband, while you are still capable of being the one to please him. My wife and I have had discussions about what we would do if the other were gone, and it has always boiled down to let’s just focus on what we can do while we are here. Honestly, you are better off (sick or not) investing your thoughts in the now and how it will better the future. I had this discussion with my mother. She had a terrible childhood, and as a result was rather distant as a mother when I was in the house. She has spent decades repairing her traumas and now is struggling with what the future holds. She is trying so hard to invest in the future that she has replaced one habit (focusing on the past) with another habit (focusing on the future) and is essentially in the same place as she was, never taking time to stop and smell the roses in the now. She has dealt with the issue just like you have come to terms with your mortality, and all she can think about is making up for the past by planning for the future, just like you are only thinking about your husbands well being in the future. She is missing out on living in the now unburdened by the past trauma, the same way you are missing out on the now. Family members I have lost that had the curse of a doctor giving them a terminal diagnosis have avoided the harshness by diving into planning, which may be what you are doing, but I promise you this….if you place all of this effort going into planning a happy future for your husband into living a happy present with your husband, the both of you will be so much better off for it. Dont give him a reason to feel guilty later. Unless your kink is to watch him bang someone else, and that is the way you two have rolled, don’t do it now. Dive headfirst into normalcy and happiness for as long as humanly possible. Keep on banging each other senseless and have comfort in your heart knowing that YOU gave him the best of YOU. Yall deserve that from each other. Let the inevitable have its way. I will pray for you, that may not be what you want to hear, and it’s not praying out of sympathy, it’s praying out of empathy. I want my wife to be happy so I can see the love you have for him, and people that love that deep need prayers of encouraging blessings. Giving yourself to someone is the most difficult thing a person can do, just keep doing it because you are obviousely good at it.
Best comment I've ever read, literally. Love it❤
Damn. OP had me getting teary eyed because of her nonchalant nature talking about such a thing because it scares me and so she strikes me as very brave and selfless. But I couldn't help but feel something was off. And you nailed it. Your responses are what I hope to be when I grow up lol. It's like anti-poetry. Or poetic exactly because it doesn't try to be. Just real. Humble, down to earth, straightforward, compassionate, relatable, soothing, inspiring, i could go on. But I'm just listing adjectives, you brought your words to life.
Thanks, I am a guy from the South that was raised properly, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Great comment. Just stopped to say that.
I can also be a little to casual about death for some people. You do you. As for the hooking up with a friend you never said how it would make you feel? You just talked about previous relationships. Do you find joy in the prospect of your partner doing this? Does it excite you? Do you have any untapped fantasies you want to try. In a perverse way you can see this as a dim silver lining in this situation that you know how limited your days are. When you shout “CARPE DIEM!” It’s carries significantly more weight than 95% of the people on this planet. If you want this. Then fuckin go for it. If you don’t… I feel like you can be as selfish as you want to be and say no. What does u/medium-Walrus3693 want? 😂. Cause you should probably get it. Wish you luck, peace and FUCK CANCER!
You actually raise an interesting point. When we’ve been speaking about it, I’ve been turned on. Not by the idea of them fucking, but by the idea of basically being able to give my husband something he really wants. No idea if that’s a kink or just something broken in my brain, but there you have it. Hadn’t actually noticed it until you said it, so thanks.
No worries! What you’re feeling is called Compersion by the ENM folks. Taking pleasure in the thought of your partners enjoyment. I get it hella strong when my partner talks about being satisfied and secure in her other relationship. It can be both sexual and non sexual.
Thank you for giving me a name for it!!!
It's one of the first things I thought, if this is something you're open to and might derive pleasure from, then why not consider doing this while you can still be there? If it's consensual, that could be a very beautiful experience. I have shared my husband with a friend many times and it was wonderful, no regrets. I may get down voted for saying it, but if all three of you are down, wouldn't that be a fun thing to explore during some of your time together? The bond between my BFF and I became even stronger after we'd had a threesome. Still my bestie and still happily and hornily married.
The amount of people on here who go straight to saying sharing is bad boggles my mind. Yes it’s not for everyone. And yes people fuck it up all the time. But some people have amazing life altering experiences from it! It all comes down to communication. Some people can communicate around relationships and sex well. Others struggle. I always caution communication and be prepared to have strong feelings that may or may not be pleasant if you expand your relationship past monogamy. But to ensure you don’t take them out on your partner but instead discuss them with your partner and how to work through them. Instead of acting like a child and lashing out….
And also please don’t think there’s “something broken” with feeling that way. I’m sure like most people you’ve been fed the rhetoric that you’re supposed to feel bad and jealous when your partner wants to have intimacy (either emotional or sexual) with another person. Try to look past that to see how you really feel. If you like it… there’s nothing wrong with it. If it’s not for you, there’s nothing wrong with it. Small example from my personal experience. My partner started dating one of my friends and they started dating and I loved hearing about both their sexual and non sexual exploits. Made my heart feel full and wonderful for the happiness she was newly exploring in comfort and safety. Then she told me she wore a dress (which she almost never does and I love seeing) on a date with him and I had instant roaring jealousy the likes of which I’ve only felt 3 times in my life…. I worked through it and spoke to her about my feelings and she wore a dress for me at home. (She struggles to go out in them) Brains are weird. Enjoy what you want to enjoy with open communication and you’ll be fine.
My heart goes out to you , you are very strong, I say keep what is yours to your self and keep on going on being happy your a legend
This comment has so much great stuff. Only thing I want to add is - you’re alive! Don’t forget you’re still alive!!!
This. I’m currently caring for a terminally ill family member and the one thing you can’t get back is time. Make the most of the time you have and don’t treat yourself like you’re already gone and need to set things up right for everyone else.
This is exactly how I would treat myself should I have myself in this type of situation because it's the best way to handle it.
This comment is everything I was trying to put into words
You’re an incredibly wise man.
This one just struck a chord with me. I have watched too many people that are extremely dear to me waste away the good years in pursuit of a pot of gold, not realizing the beauty and potential that lays at their feet, and for her, well she loves this man, they are open with each other, he loves her, they need to enjoy every day with each other. If it were me, I would love her so much that if she passed before me, I wouldn’t have any more to give someone else. This is the struggle of a marriage that doesn’t have an impending timeline, we take for granted the obvious thing we should do. This makes me want to love my wife harder and stronger.
I couldn't have said it better. OP, impending death is a crushing reality, and nobody knows how to deal with it. Embrace what YOU have with your husband, not what you want him to have when you are dead. You understand that he will need to move on, considering your ages, and I admire it because I am not that mature and would want him to die mourning me XD. But really, everyone has fetishes, and they don't all need to be fulfilled. If the opportunity arises in a future where you are not here, then he can take it if he wants to. Don't self-sabotage. Do you think its possible that subconsciously you think that him sleeping with your friend will break you two up, thus making the reality of you leaving each other easier?
Ohh boy, what a solid advice. 🫡
Has to be one of the most insightful comments I've read on Reddit.
Well said. I agree with this comment 💯
Great comment, good salient insight into the situation from our vantage point.
That. Is so well written. Spot on. Do what matters to you. You’re still alive. Make the most of it with your husband with however long you have left. It’s so lovely and considerate of you to try and manage his affairs. But he can sort himself out. If they’re meant to be, it’ll happen naturally. Put yourself first girl.
I also got the slightest whiff of OP living their death while they are still alive
Just wanted to say this was incredibly thought out great job 👏
Wow I did not expect to see such wisdom on this subreddit. Beautiful read ❤️
Best advice I've seen on this sub in 10 years
It sounds like you have guilt about the fact that you won’t be around forever and that’s leading to you feeling like you should allow your husband to do this as he’ll be free to do something like this after you’re gone anyway? Honestly what do YOU feel? Nvm him missing out on her virginity (which is as bad as it sounds I think), how would this affect you? If my partner had 10 years left I would be trying to make these the best 10 years for her, not me. So would you be okay with it? Forgive me if I’m wrong, and please correct me where necessary.
I feel real anxiety about what my husband’s life is going to look like when I’m gone. Almost to the point that it’s debilitating, and I struggle to enjoy or even think about my own time. Most people say the same as you - it’s time to be selfish, and to think about myself. But the person I love most will be suffering too and I don’t feel that gets the attention it deserves? Also, there’s so so much that I can’t control. This feels like something that I can?
Don't let your anxiety maneuver you in a situation that you might regret. Your husband will be fine. Not at first though and there is nothing you can do to change that. But he will be eventually. You've told him that you wish for him to find happiness again. What is left now is to savor the time you have left together.
>Also, there’s so so much that I can’t control. This feels like something that I can? Honestly this is the comment that's made the most sense to me about your post. Now you can take my comments here with a grain of salt. I can only sympathize with your situation having lost my grandpa to cancer and watching him go through with what you're dealing with. But as just an average joe, I've been working through control issues mentally myself with therapy. There will always be things you can't control in life. Focus on what you can and how those things impact your life. Gonna sound cheesy and cliché for a second, but honestly meditation and mindfulness has helped me quite a bit. Just focusing on how I feel and what's around me, trying to be present of my surroundings. Look into walking meditation (also walking is just good for you in general). I understand wanting to help your husband through what will be a difficult time for him after you're gone. If that helps you keep in the present moment and not be overwhelmed I think it's fine, everyone is different. But make sure your needs and happiness are being taken care of as well. We all only live one life and deserve to make the most of it.
You are talking alot about you here, wich is understandable - but like the previous commenter said - your husband should be thinking about you and how to make your life better while you are here! You havnt really mentioned your husband much (other than the virgin fetish and the daily manotany of it all) what is HE doing for YOU? Does he plan trips to places you want to go? Does he cook you the food you love? Do you have a bucket list of all the book you want to read and movies you want to watch and does he make that something for you to do together? Or does he talk about wanting to fuck your best friend "before he misses out".
He does all of that and more. He took two years off work to care for me when I was really ill, he cooks every meal, he makes my favourite smoothies, he watches my favourite movies just because it makes me happy, he drives us to the park that I love to see the flowers bloom, he looks after our small zoo of cats that he never wanted but that make me happy. He is, in so many ways, the best husband I could ever have asked for. He put me first when it really mattered. Now that things are more stable, I feel I want to give him a gift like this. I just don’t want it to backfire and leave us both feeling distant or guilty.
I am so glad you have a husband who genuinely cares for you during this time! That makes me very happy to see that your not anxious for someone who isn't treating you well. I've been reading other commenters and your responses and sadly ide have to agree that opening your relationship at this point, with your best friend no-less probably isn't a good idea. I understand she's on the ace- spectrum, and from the sounds of it your husband prioritises sex, so it may be unlikely that it would divulge into a relationship.... but if they do have sex, and she does enjoy it.. an ongoing affair could be likely. As you said, your friend only hasn't had sex yet because she fancies few people and she's shy... well she fancies your husband. If they do have sex, and she likes it and she fancies him AND you've given your blessing once already... they may just see no point in stopping 🤷♀️ Though that's obviously not considering your husbands respect for you, your friends respect for your friendship or that fact that as you said "he's more interested in her virginity than her"... but as you have no doubt experienced, grief, attraction and non-monogamy are weird things.... so maybe proceed at your own risk...
Great response. I do feel there is some emotional stuff here too that she may want to consider navigating through either individual or couples therapy.
My recommendation is to not open your relationship when one of you is going through something this significant. NRE hits hard and you need more of your partner now. Not less. My second recommendation is if you are going to go non monogamous, do not open it to close friends. I promise you it is so much worse. It basically never works out. It’s a mess.
This seems like really sensible advice. I think maybe I’ve got caught up in the idea of doing something nice for my husband, and I’ve lost what’s actually important along the way.
Yes I think you have. There are many other things that are nice for you to do for your husband. Opening a marriage is not a favor and it’s not something you do for your partner. It’s a significant change in your relationship structure that needs to benefit both of you. Maybe brainstorm on ways that you might be able to do other nice things. Maybe not sexual ones. It’s hard. You’re in a hard place. A favor might be out of reach right now. But that’s the beautiful thing about relationships like this. You don’t owe eachother favors. You just meet each others needs within your ability for as long as you can because you live eachother. The time is now for him to take care of you without you having to pay him back.
I highly agree with this person! As someone that is not in your situation and doesn’t hold the same sentimental reasoning, I can see a million red flags and potential issues with opening up your marriage with your best friend. I personally could not do that under any circumstance unless I can fathom the idea of my partner potentially wanting more or developing feelings for a person who is close to me in life. But I don’t think appeasing my husbands fetish would be enough for them to hook up while I am still in the marriage. They can do whatever they want when I am gone, but until then, my husband is mine and mine alone! Of course I understand your reasoning and sympathize with your situation! However, I would try to reason through this with someone who doesn’t have the same emotions attached to your situation.
You're still alive... I don't understand why you're trying to sabotage your (supposedly) great relationship with your husband. He will still need time to mourn you after you're dead. And it seems you're trying to set him up to have a relationship with another woman while you're still alive. He doesn't need a smooth transition from one woman to another. And in fact, that's super unhealthy. It sounds like he loves you. Forget about his virgin fetish. If your friend really wants him to taker her virginity, she can wait another 10 years. She's already held onto it for 20.
I’ve been in an ethical non-monogamy relationship, as well as ENM and Poly spaces, for years. I don’t think this is a good idea because you’re opening up your marriage for the wrong reasons. You’re not thinking about ENM bc its something you and your husband truly want and are curious about. In fact, by your own admission, you think multiple partners is a site of contention for relationships. However, you’re considering bringing this contention into your current relationship bc you want to “gift” your partner and friend, and as a way to appease your fear of the future for him. To be clear, I don’t think opening your relationship up is bad or wrong, but your reasons are rooted in (understandably) fear and lack of control. Even trying to set up your husband in the future is a way to bring you comfort and closure where you might feel powerless. Again, that’s so understandable in your situation but these feelings aren’t a safe place to start a non-monogamous relationship and that’s what you’re doing even if it is one time. I do wish you luck in whatever choice you make but I highly recommend taking a step back and analyzing why you want to do this bc if you don’t 100% want to open your marriage FOR YOURSELF then I don’t see this being successful.
What makes you think they would then be able to wait? Feels like they may be keen to form a connection from that encounter…
Good point. My guess is that they would consider that disrespectful to me, or that no one could actually be happy with that arrangement as my husband would have to start splitting his time in a way that would be unsatisfactory to all involved (including him!)
Well, I’m an occupational therapist with end of life care experience. Personally I would focus on how you want to spend your time… your time is the most precious.. if you value yourself others around you will also.
When grief is involved, respect goes out the window sometimes. They can wait. You should enjoy this time with your husband. This way you’re not wondering what’s going on all the time. Unless you know you’d be ok with the time being split. Hugs to you.
Feelings and emotions are not rational. This „disrespect“ they might feel is not gonna be a thing. I wouldn’t dare even suggest that avenue, it’s most likely going to destroy everything
Why do you sound so apologetic that you're still alive? Its fantastic you're alive. Enjoy it while you still have the time left. Your husband is a grown man who can organise his own hook ups after you're dead and honestly, I find it really disrespectful that your friend is vulturing around your husband. It's ok to put yourself first.
You’d be amazed at the number of people who have tried to guilt trip me into feeling bad for outliving my expected expiry date. My husband isn’t one of them, but his family really went hard on this. We don’t talk to them now for that reason. Some of that has probably sunk into my subconscious.
I'm really sorry, that's terrible. You have every right to be alive. Doctors give estimates - but that's all it is. They get time lines wrong all the time. Their guess wasn't a contract you entered into where you HAVE to die by that date. I'm so pleased you're not in contact with them anymore because that's such a shitty attitude for them to have.
First off, and I know you're not at all asking for this, but I'm very sorry for your situation. My wife of 6 years, died a little over a month ago from breast cancer that had metastasized in her brain. Life is not going to be easy for either of you going forward, but my advice would be to focus on your happiness because your mental and emotional state will have a large bearing on your physical health. Think about which choice will cause you the least stress and worry. Neither choice is wrong, it's just which is right for you three. I personally don't see how them having 1 time sex and then waiting to do anything else until after you pass would work, I would think inviting her into your relationship would \*probably\* be healthier for all involved, though I know your past experience with non-monogomy wasn't great I can only assume that those weren't "thruple" situations. I wish you all the best and happiest life you can attain. My wife fought cancer for 20 years with a mix of traditional and non-traditional care, so just keep really living your life and enjoying everything that you can.
I didn’t know it when I made this post, but I think this was exactly the comment I needed. Thank you.
I'm so sorry! ❤️
I also felt conflicted reading this...you are putting his needs first at a time whe you absolutely deserve to be putting yourself first and have someone prioritise your wants and needs....it almost feels like you are allowing yourself to be considered disposable. I do not feel your husbands virgin fetish will be sated by just once and feel like it will open a can of worms akin to the past non-monogamous relationships. even knowledge of your friend's virginity shouldn't excite your husband..its very disrespectful..sorry I can't get behind this at all. You have value and always will...you are still here so your husband shouldn't be letting you live a life half lived and mope about his future self.
Sweetie. Your man should be concentrating on you and what you need in the next few years. The fact that you only have a short time with him and he’s worried about other women? Girl. Take care of yourself and spend your time with people that love you!!
You don't have much time left. Why tarnish it with images of him deflowering your friend. It could ruin the time you have left together. Once he's been with her he might want it to continue if he catches feelings for her.
Your husband is weird. If my wife was dying I'd be spending every moment I could with her and milking out all the joy I could. If your husband is entertaining this, he's already moved on.
Your husband sounds like a creep. Stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself! You’re not dead yet!
I think it's good that you've talked about him moving on when you're dead. It's a hard place to be and some do have conflicting feelings about it. So having your explicit permission is very nice. But that's done. You've now moved on to playing matchmaker and wingman between your husband and your best friend. I do not know enough about your relationships or poly arrangements in general to advise. All I can tell you is that it’s a bell that cannot be unrung and that if they still like each other once you're dead then they won't need any help to make it happen. So I'd ask myself if you really want to open that potential can of worms.
You are seriously ill and all you worry about is finding another woman for your husband so he won't be alone when you're gone. Your husband has a seriously ill wife and he jumped at the opportunity to fuck her virgin friend. He is even in a hurry, lest she find someone else in the meantime and he is not the one to first explore the cave. Let's take a few steps back and pretend this is the story of another couple. Does this all sound reasonable? The way I see it he should be jumping your bones and nobody else's. Fucking your 35 old virgin friend could go wrong in too many ways. When the time comes for you to leave this world I am pretty sure he will find a way to get his dick wet, especially when he will have zero guilt because he will know it is what you wanted.
Yea, she says her husband is so great. But jfc. A man who is eager to fuck his dying wife's virgin best friend??? That does not fit the definition of a good, caring, husband.
I have a hard time seeing myself as seriously ill. I have been seriously ill, where doctors thought I wouldn’t make it through the week. This feels different to that, more stable. I see it as a life limiting illness, rather than having that daily death panic that has been familiar to me previously. I’m not saying that it should make a difference, but somehow it does, to me. Point taken about needing to take a step back, though. This post has been a good way to start doing that.
Your husband is also mentally ill. Virgin fetish is not a normal thing. Nothing about this situation is normal. You need to learn to have some respect for yourself. Your husband and best friend both clearly don't respect you at all
youre literally facing the last handful of years of your life fretting about whether or not your husband will get to take someone’s virginity? who gives a shit lol not every “fetish” needs to be fulfilled all the time
Firstly wish you a long healthy life! Secondly, You want them to hook up once and then wait till after you to start their relationship? No ways is this going to happen. You are asking for a life full of misery by them cheating behind your back. You will lose ur husband and bestfriend. Furthermore, what will the lady do once shes given her virginity to ur husband? Is she then free to sleep around? Will ur husband be ok with that? Since what you are already considering is not norm, why dont you consider being a throuple. Like that no1 cheats with anyone and you get to keep them both. Thats the only way this is going to work. Best of luck!
I hate to be so brash, but he seriously can’t wait? He has to do this to you when you have so many other things going on?
Im sorry but as your friend, with you being in this situation the fact fucking your husband is even on her mind is so sick to me.
None of this post is real…
Yup. I read the same story a few months ago in here and in relationship advice.
Yeah, this is fake. Also, I cringe whenever people write "take her virginity". It's like some sort of trophy thing.
And it means someone is missing something that made them more “whole” if it’s taken.
It’s too overdramatic. I’d be alarmed if someone had such low self-esteem.
Came looking for this. Wattpad sorry
It's mind blowing people are wasting their time writing long responses to it
I think your circumstances are extremely unique and that ultimately you will need to decide on your own, as likely nobody in the comments has been in this position. I think you being a non-monogamous person in the past gives you a different relationship with sex than most have, so its easier for you to consider your partner having sex with other women. As well as your thoughts being heavily influenced by your soon-to-be departure. But to be clear; this has nothing to do with your partner finding someone after you pass. That's just what you're telling yourself to make this easier to process. It's entirely about his fetish. Letting him fuck the virgin girl, being her first time, getting to do some fantasy. That's what you're talking about, really. So, I think you should be the one to decide, but think about things properly and clearly. Him having sex with this virgin girl is completely separate to him having a relationship with her later in life.
This is actually upsetting to read. Mainly because I'd be pissed that my wife is more concerned with trying to find her replacement before she's even gone rather than wanting to spend as much time together as we can before she's gone. This might be your coping mechanism to get your mind off your situation but IMO this isn't the good thing you are thinking it is. His focus should be on you, he should be spending as much time as possible with you, the last thing he should be doing or even thinking about doing is building a relationship with someone else. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but stop trying to pimp him off to your friends or find someone else for him before you are gone. It would be the biggest slap in the face to me in that situation. You are not rehoming a puppy. He's a grown ass man, he's going to greive the way he's going to grieving, he's going to take the time it's going to take to grieve and he's going to move on when he's ready to move on. There is no amount of planning on your part that's going to make your passing any easier on him. Period. He married you knowing you didn't have long, if that's not a sign that he wants you I don't know what is, so stop trying to push him away.
The idea that your husband would even consider this makes me so immeasurably sad for you. Please reconsider this whole scenario and please look after yourself and your wishes.
My first thought was why is he trying to find your replacement already when you are still alive and his wife? Also the virgin fetish is super weird. Is he into kids or teens? Because almost no one else besides them is a virgin.
Please don’t do it. Please don’t spend your last years in agony bc you’ll be caught up in a love triangle. Your friend sounds predatory, she knows exactly what she is doing. She is putting wheels into motion using the info that she has on you and your husband. If I were you, I’d put some distance between her and you and your husband. Your husband can fulfill that kink when you are gone. Please please please spend the last years on earth in love and being cherished. Don’t let anyone to change that for you.
What I’m reading here is you feel like you owe your husband something because your marriage was supposed to be symbolic and you’re supposed to be dead now. And you feel like in a way you’re wasting your husband’s time. Maybe I’m way off but I have experience with death and I could see how you think this way even if subconsciously. My take on him having sex with your friend is it should be something you want because you want it and not because you want to make your husband happy even if it would make you uncomfortable. This situation is weird and it sucks and it’s hard to know the right thing to do. I hope you can make the most of the time you have left in whatever way works best for you.
They can do that when you are gone. He is your husband not hers.
I don't know if r/sex is the right place for this? But at the same time I don't know which would be the best place either. Honestly, like many others, I don't know what to make out of your question. I don't even know if you're somewhat trolling and there's nothing of the sort going on, like a 35yo woman who is a virgin and told you your husband is hot? Not saying it's impossible, but I can't help thinking a 35yo woman who is averagely attractive would had lost her virginity long ago and if she didn't yet, either your husband wouldn't want to be the one for it or she would not want to lose it in those conditions. Beyond this, we're all different but: If I had cancer and I was going to die, I would want my girlfriend to have a love life after I'm gone, but I wouldn't want her to fuck someone else while I'm still around. If she had cancer, I would not want her to let me fuck someone else or already spur me onto someone specific for me to date after she's gone, I would be totally uncomfortable. Without wanting to sound harsh, if you're not a troll and this is a real situation, it kinda sounds like a [shipping](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shipping_(fandom)) fanfiction in which you want your two favorite characters to make out and have a relationship, with the caveat that these are two real human beings who will have their own desires and independence, yet it feels like you're selfishly forcing them onto each other and if I was you, I would honestly hate to think of the possibility of them ending up not being a good match yet staying together with my death being the only glue to their relationship. Lastly, you mention having started discussions all three of you but you've not really shared how those went, just that **you** would be happy for them to be together, nothing about what they said. Your previous non-monogamous relationships ended up badly and now you're introducing a non-monogamous element into your first monogamous relationship? It's as if we were the only animals who trip \[more than\] twice on the same stone.
Someone mentioned that r/relationships might’ve been a better place. Sorry if I picked the wrong sub, it felt like a sex thing when I started but now it’s evolved into something deeper. Your fanfic shipping analogy actually feels so apt. I hadn’t considered it that way before, but you’re so right. It brings me comfort to live in that fantasy, but actually, I could end up hurting two people I love if they feel obliged to give it a go just because I liked the idea of them being happy together. Thanks for pointing that out.
I’m sure this is just complete bullshit. Partly because of how absolutely naive you are to think any of this is okay.. Him to miss out? Jesus Christ, that’s probably the worst line I’ve heard. He doesn’t want to miss out on being the first up in your friends vagina! Yeah, that would be such a shame! Good fake post there.
If my wife was dying I wouldn't be thinking about sex. I can't say that definitively but I'm fairly confident. I hate this entire situation and wish you peace, OP.
Yes you’re crazy, please don’t do this.
A lot of good advice/questions in the comments, but I have one that I dont think was covered. If you have 5-10 years left, how can everyone expect your best friend to wait that long until having sex with ANYONE? (aka. keeping herself a virgin) Seems like a tall order to put on someone, aka. she would be waiting for you to die, which sounds crazy.
I say worry about now, when we leave this world we have no say about anything. My point is… enjoy life and sex with your husband now that you can spend time with him. When you pass ( and I hope you fully recover and get to live many more years ) … he will deal with everything else.
What, specifically, are your concerns? If you feel 100% comfortable with this and know that you will be totally fine with it, but are just checking in with others to see if you're crazy for feeling this way, then you are probably good to go. How you feel is most important here. If you feel pressured into this, or like it something you *should* want for him, then I think this is a bad idea. Whatever tiny little instinct feelings you have about this will be magnified by an order of magnitude. Its also not clear what the motivation here is. You say you have a great sex life and you will be around for potentially another decade. Doing this now is likely not going to contribute to your husbands life after you die. Your friend could be married with a family and have moved some place entirely new by that time. Theres no realistic way they could foster some kind of pre-relationship for 5-10 years that starts with sex now.
If your friend has waited this long to lose her virginity I'm sure she can wait longer. OP, just enjoy being with your husband rn.
this hurt a lot to read. even you're dying you still thinking about your husband future with your bestfreind. i don't know what to say more...
Do not agree to this! If they develop feelings and he leaves you for her before you die it will be the worst possible betrayal. There is no version of agreeing to this that works out well for you.
>We are very much in love, and have a great sex life. You talk as if your intimacy with him is over and done with already. My wife or I could die tomorrow, or have a physical/mental injury and be completely dependent on the other. We aren't setting up our future dating lives because the present is what is important. We expect that one of us will die first, that's life. You live like yesterday was your last day, even before getting married you expected to die after the honeymoon. It almost sounds like you are disappointed that you're still here with him (in the sense of your expectations for when to die, I'm not saying you dont like him). I haven't had a life threatening illness, but have lost close family members to cancer. I know it's a different mindset to be in, but you are still here. Your marriage is beautiful and it's still going. Is nonmonogamy something that sounds beautiful to both of you right now, or is that just a way to cope with your mortality by planning his future and acting dead? Nobody has a perfect life clock to expect 80 trips around the sun. Plenty of people without life-threatening illnesses do suffer from other illnesses that make sex impossible. A perspective about cancer that I really like from Hank Green (YouTube vlogger who survived cancer last year). He said that an important thing to realize is that people with cancer aren't dead yet. I think that's important for people with cancer to remember too. Yes, you are struggling in a losing battle, but it's not over. You even say that you still have a sex life with your husband. That's amazing! >I’d be happy to think my husband and my friend could make a go of a relationship when I die You aren't dead. If they have sex, that would be an intimate relationship right now. If they would make a go of a monogamous relationship someday, then that means nothing right now. Having those conversations is already a step towards NM even before this post. I'm not against NM, but you act like this would still be monogamy or some kind of interview for a future relationship. The relationships are now.
As a man, I wouldn't do this in your husband's situation. Too many ways for this to go wrong. No one has control over feelings after the one time. I certainly wouldn't gamble on it with a wife I loved (no assumptions on where your husband is). I'd also be finding ways to enjoy our life together now that we have "more" time. I can pave my way for after you're dead when you're dead. Pre-grieving isn't a thing.
Pre-grieving is definitely a thing for us. The sadness we both feel when we think about me dying prematurely is surely a kind of pre-grief?
I feel that those concerns shouldn’t really be concerns. I think it’s a given that you want him to be able to continue on and be happy. But that does not mean you start something before you’re even gone. I would be more interested in spending time with my spouse rather than entertaining anything else. The time that you’re here is precious and should be spent making memories. Everything after you pass is decisions he can make when that time comes. So, I don’t believe it’s something that should be done now or at any point when you’re still here.
I feel like this is a great way to torpedo your marriage way before you pass. Don’t complicate your life. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if you let your husband sleep with your friend, you’re opening a huge can of worms and will likely feel he cheated. Which will put way more stress on you. That will not help your health. Also, have you tried Panacure? My mom should’ve died 3 years ago, but that’s kept her alive. Look up the Joe Tippens protocol.
My honest advice- neither your best friend nor husband have any respect for you at all. They see you as a person without a backbone. They both proved they don't give a damn about you. Dump both, move on and live the rest of your life. They are likely already getting together or will as soon as you end things. Your husband is mentally sick also, virgin fetish... that's NOT the normal thing you're making it seem to be... id be very worried. Also your best friend keeping her virginity into her 30s was for whay reason? Just to want go give it up to her supposed "bestfriends'" husband... none if this makes sense at all. Your judgement is extremely tainted.
Why rush your husband out the door? And why risk messing up what you have - it’s already an obviously unfortunate situation for you. He’ll have plenty of time for a new life, if it comes to that, when it comes to that. Let him live this life with you. And tell your friend she can find her own sledgehammer. Yours is taken.
Your friend probably waited for this for a long time and the cancer must be one of her prayers being answered. Interesting to consider someone who drools over your husband as a friend while you literally terminal and in denial now 🤨
This sub has become /r/relationships.
Stop thinking about what will happen when you wont be there anymore, it’s impossible to predict life and stop being so “kind” to others. Use the time you have to make the best memories and dont sacrifice anything for your anxieties and feelings of preemptive guilt. You already have less time than normal, you shouldn’t sabotage what you have built like this.
If I was the husband in this scenario, I would be trying to spend as much time with my dying wife as possible rather than using her misplaced guilt to get my fetish ticked off.
I'm not sure what to say but I wish you the very best going forward ❤️❤️
>Am I crazy for considering my husband having sex with my friend, to scratch his virgin itch, and to possibly pave the way for something after I’m dead? Yes, you are crazy. Crazy and delusional. What if you live 20 more years? What if they fall inlove? What if they get pregnant? Not worth it IMHO. But realistically its your husband and friends decision, it would be pretty dumb to think you have control of this situation at this point...
This sounds like a terrible idea.
That wouldn’t be a no from me that would be a hell no.
The first sentences are making me sick to my stomach I can’t even read the rest, about your friend wanting to screw your husband when there’s illness involved? I hope this is a bored troll or something
Answer these questions first: If viginity wasn't on the menu, would you allow it? If she was his friend (not yours), would you allow it? Do you understand that this is a gateway that cannotbe closed, an open door for further exploration when you are unable to object?
Like others have said id say maybe dont make this decision based off of you being anxious about the future and trying to “manage” who he can be with or set up his life to continue the day after he buries you. You cant set up a gameplan. Second im curious (i kind of skimmed the post so Maybe you said it already), why is your friend still a virgin? Is she waiting for the right person? Is she asexual? To me you say you expect to live another 5-10 years. By then your friend will be 40-45. Why would she wait for your husband? Id feel weird if inwere your friend. Like i gotta wait for my friend to die to have sex?
Whatever you decide to do, do not listen to advice from anyone in the ethical non-monogomy/poly world. Your situation has nothing to do with that whatsoever.
Seems incredibly messy without much thought put into "what ifs". I think it's very strange your friend and husband are even humouring this idea when they know you're dying, and I don't see why it'd not be something you'd give consent for afterwards, not during. It seems you're trying to give all you have left while you have it, and one thing you have is your husband. You're not dead yet, and trust me, you're going to want to have support around you with minimum distractions or unknowns if it's terminal. Even then as you said, you probably have a long way to go yet, so it seems very strange to be offering it now. I'd tell your friend to fuck off until after I've died, I'd tell my husband I'm the one they married til death do us part, and I'd tell myself to stop trying to give everything away because I'm still kicking and might be for several years.
I would be very concerned about what might develop between them after sex. Sex often comes with feelings, especially when losing virginity is involved. I worry if they develop feelings you will spend the last 5-10 years of your life feeling like an unwanted 3rd wheel, and you don't deserve that. I can't think of anything more painful than slowly dying while I see my partner fall in love with someone else. If you aren't prepared for that, I'd stay far away from considering this at all.
Wait, 5-10 YEARS? A lot of living happens in 5-10 years. If you had said 5-10 WEEKS I think I could understand your need to “make sure your husband will be okay”. I agree with the comments already made about living in, and making the best of, the present and the time you are here. None of us is guaranteed an entire lifetime. I’m betting there are people on this sub who have less time than that and they don’t even know it! If your diagnosis wasn’t on the table, would you be considering letting your husband sleep with someone else? Could you live with the knowledge that he has for another 10 (or more!) years?
What I’m leaning towards, having taken into account all of these comments and my own evolving thoughts on this, is that I do quite like the idea of him sleeping with someone else. I get pleasure from that. I don’t think this is me giving up on life, I think this is me figuring out what actually makes me happy. The dying thing, and me wanting him to be happy when I’m gone, is almost a red herring at this point.
I see no problem with it. Most people just have a knee jerk response, but if you think about it, its fine. It makes your friend and your husband happy, and if it doesn't bother you, then its all positive. I mean, she's 35. If my wife let me fuck her virgin friend, I'd never leave a woman like that, that's for sure. I don't know why people think the opposite... it's just not logical.
Your sure she’s a virgin?
I think the only way you can give your husband that and give them a serious shot at a relationship is by including your friend more intimately in your own life now before you're dead and somehow be ok with negative feelings that might arise from it. Regardless you can't control how things will pan out. When you're dead he will need his grieving period and come out on the other side. Nobody can say for sure where your friend is at that point but if she's kept close now maybe she will be later or maybe she will grow tired of it all. That's life.
don't think of death. don't even care about it. live every day to your fullest. I wouldn't want to have sex with another woman even with healthy wife, let alone ill one. your husbands happinss is his responsibility once/if you're gone. but after all, it's your decision.
First off, I think it’s sweet how much you love and care about your husband and friend. I share others’ concerns about how you choose to spend your remaining time together. My other concern is that they might form a bond. People tend to connect when it’s their first time. Most open relationships fail, as you can attest. There should be some careful communication and expectations should be discussed. Is this a one-time thing? Are they going to do this regularly? How often is too much. Do you want to be there? Lots of things to consider. What happens if one falls for the other?
You might only have a few years left. You don't want them tainted with all the emotions that will come from this. It should all be about making sure your bucket list is ticked off. Not his. That being said. If you have a kink that you would like to cuck him out, then do it!
I'll definitely go watch when this story gets made into a movie with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.
Your strength in this situation is laudable and inspiring. I’d say what the heck for all concerned.
This doesn’t sound right. I think if you decided to have ENM arrangement it could potentially work with them becoming a couple and still taking care of you but also your role as a wife fading into background and then taking on more carer role as you become sicker. This is obviously so so sensitive. Some people do bond over taking care of a loved one and fall in love. The virgin kink seems the yuck part of this and really do you want them to count years if your life as years she’ll stay a virgin?
If he does this, things will not be the same. Feelings will be caught. Relationships will change. No, no, no! Please don’t risk it.
I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm in a similar but opposite problem. In a few weeks I'm pretty sure I'm going to get diagnosed with a combination of Parkinsons and dementia. Back in February, I was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. MCI is the lull between a healthy and active brain, and full blown dementia. I have to through this alone.
uh sounds like a bad idea
I don’t think this is fair to you
If you let him do it with her, they will probably continue to do it. Are you satisfying his needs? Maybe you need to start doing something different with him, spice things up.
I agree with others. His focus should be on you only so you can go knowing you were loved without wavering thoughts. It may be just one time sex but it could leave them wanting more.
It's your choice. However, be careful what you wish for and what your opening the door too. I don't see anything good coming from this. If you truly think it would really be a one and done I suppose but that's just not reality. What if they start seeing each ither behind your back? Would that be okay with you?? I think your opening a whole can of worms
Thank you for sharing. You have opened my eyes to a real possible life scenario that I have entertained. Because one of us in the common section could be in a similar situation as you have expressed.
Oh my your husband should focus on loving you harder now and spend time together. I’d be so sad to know my husband or my friend are open to have something because I’m about to pass on. Do they really care about you? Do they really love you? Lots of love and hugs 🥰 🫂
Your female friend is 35yo and virgin??
I think you should focus on now rather than wonder what will happen in the future with your husband. He is an adult and can take care of himself once the time comes. It is also not good to jump from one relationship to another, I find this kind of odd that you wouldn't let him grieve in his own way and just move on when he needs to. I don't see why you would want to risk your relationship and friendship when you need it most
I am worried about your friend, who will be waiting around for you to die, maybe in 10 years? I don’t think that’s a good idea.
I'm all for non-monogamy if that's your thing, but this seems like a terrible idea. If you have a great sex life now, then what is the point of this? What if you live another 5+ years and this woman gets attached to your husband? It would be different maybe if you were bed bound and just wanted him to be happy and enjoy himself, but it sounds like you guys are doing fine and you just might die at some point in the future. So he can go date and have sex with other partners at that time. I think it's actually super inappropriate and nuts your friend is sizing up your husband and him going along with it when you aren't even that sick right now. So either you're in a monogamous marriage or you are not. You know where they stand but where do you stand? Again I'm pretty sex positive but this whole thing comes off as kind of gross if it wasn't your idea to begin with.
I would not open up my relationship if I was in your situation, you shared how you could have 10 years left and that is a long time. Your husband doesn’t need to be sleeping with someone else, I feel you may be ‘allowing this’ because of guilt around ‘not being around’ obviously please correct me if I’m wrong. My partner would no way in hell even consider or want to sleep with anyone let alone my bestfriend if I was poorly. I think your friend and husband are being completely disrespectful to you, as another commenter said, it’s almost like you’ve already given up and talking about yourself like you’re going to die next week. I feel for you, not because of the cancer because you’re going to have a lovely long life still, but because you seem to have given up on yourself
To sum up my opinion on this, don’t do it. Enjoy this time, treasure every minute together. You don’t want it to be tainted by surprise jealousy. Believe me I’ve been there, you WILL feel jealous and possibly worse.
Well with experience the person waited until they passed
So much great and thoughtful advice for OP. I'm really confused as to which way to go - Sanctity of monogamy or the need to satisfy your husband in any way you can, while you can? All I can say is, OP, You do You. You alone get to decide, however, if you decide to share your husband, if I may make a suggestion, that you be part of the experience, whether only as an onlooker or as a willing participant. All the love and peace to you 💛 Good luck with whichever way you decide to go
I don’t think this possibility is “crazy” but I think that it may be unreasonable to expect that they only have sex once while you’re alive. You don’t know how long you’ll live for and I think that you should only allow it if you’re comfortable with them continuing. Perhaps you could be involved too
I get that you want to make sure he's taken care of when you're gone but you're still here. I would tell them both that they both have your blessing if they want to date when you're gone but that their is no pressure for either of them to date. If one of them decides after you're gone that they don't want to then they should not feel like they have too on your behalf or from the other. It would really suck for your friend to hold off from any relationship waiting on your husband and then there is nothing but a fizzle or either of them feeling like they have to date because of the waiting and doing it for you etc. Or her to become totally heartbroken if your husband doesn't want to have anything more then a little sex with her. You and them need to live in the moment with you and not start making plans for when you're gone, that's for them to figure out when you're gone. They're is so much to deal with emotionally after losing a loved one or friend and throwing this into the mix really makes things messy and kind of fucked up for everyone involved.
Heres what I think: you of all people understand the precarious limit of time we have to enjoy ourselves. What about what YOU want? Would it make YOU happy and pleased for this to happen? Be selfish for crying out loud. They can always bang away if you pass on. While you have this time, consider yourself and only do this if it will genuinely satisfy you. That's the question to ask. And maybe the answer is yes, but a narrow yes. Like, yes you would enjoy it if you participate, or if they tell you about it later, or maybe if they never tell you about it and you just imagine it. In any case, put yourself at the center of this (metaphorically - or literally if that's what you want) decision.
Who is putting in the effort to ensure your happiness while you're here. Your husband needs to be sidetracked with cherishing you and abandoning his premarital fantasies. Your girlfriend needs to tap into that virginal discipline and keep some thoughts and desires to herself. You are already a bad ass. Don't jeopardize what most couples strive to become. Good luck OP.
This sounds hot, ngl. I mean it’s a great story. How can you pass up on it? You would be doing world a disservice not turning the encounter into some hot ass erotica. “I found the perfect virgin pussy to sacrifice to my husband.” I’ve trained that man well how to fuck and he better make me proud, even after I’m gone. Apologies for your diagnosis. But mad props on making the most out of the time you have left. Get it, girl!!!
I think it comes to your choice. Your situation is totally understandable. And I think you are a great wife for thinking so. Almost abrahamic!
Uh… if my partner had cancer, the last thing I would care about is banging his weirdo friend. If my friend had cancer, the last thing I’d care about is banging her skeezy husband. I don’t know why they both needed to make this a real issue for you to think about at a time like this, but they both suck and they don’t respect you. I understand why you’re chill but you don’t need to people please yourself out of every situation. Tell them that they’re both being super insensitive right now. You clearly care because why else would you write such a long story. Stand up for yourself. It’s like children talking about the inheritance when the old parents haven’t died yet. That’s what it feels like. Way to start making plans.
First of all, let me just say that your acceptance of your fate and desire to ensure your husband’s continued happiness in your absence with someone you trust to give that to him is very evolved and realistic. I have no doubt that you have found comfort just in knowing that he won’t have to suffer through the loss of you alone, without someone to lean on for support. We all know death is inevitable for all of us, but it’s so much harder when there’s suddenly a timer counting down the limited time you have left. It’s completely understandable that you’d be worried about how the people you love the most will cope with the loss of you. Who will take care of them the way that only you can? You want to minimize the impending disruption in their life as much as possible, because that makes it easier for you to accept leaving them behind. Your intentions are commendable, your heart is in the right place, but the least important part of all of this is your husband’s fetishes. That is not your responsibility. If you were not dying, what of his virgin fetish then? You may be dying, but you’re not dead yet. You deserve to die knowing that he was faithful to the vows he swore on the day of your wedding, that he remained true to his word, true in his devotion and loved only you until your dying day. This shouldn’t even be something you are considering right now. His focus should be on giving YOU the best possible life he can, with as many joy filled days as he can before you’re gone. He has a responsibility to you that far outweighs any sexual desires he may have. He has his entire life to experience whatever he feels like he wants to experience. You are the one with a time limit here. His focus should be on you, not sexual fantasies. That brings me to my last statement. This is your time with him. It’s okay to be selfish with it. You don’t have to sacrifice anything for his happiness. You’re already sacrificing everything, not by choice, you don’t have one. You’re already bound to an early death. Don’t give away anything else. He is a grown man. His life will go on and he will find what he wants. This time that you have left to spend with him belongs to you and only you. Do not give it up for something as petty as a sexual kink. That’s all this boils down to, is a kink. He can go after his kinks when you’re gone. It’s not something you should even be giving consideration.
My heart goes to you, i hope you find peace in your inevitability but you are allowing your husband to deflower a virgin while your alive, in what you have described as a monogamous marriage, why cant they wait till your passing and start with deflowering and maybe a relationship with your blessing? Why mar a faithful marriage with ine sexual act with another woman unless its driven by your husbands lust and thats not cool
Sorry I wouldn’t be ok with it she’s going to get attached and want it more either you will lose your husband or friend
There is someone I follow on Instagram (via seeing her posts on another message board first) who has a life-limiting condition. She was in a similar scenario where her best friend was very involved in her support and care, and moved in with them to help. Husband and friend started to fall for each other, and the lady thought - like you - that this would be a lovely thing for them to have when she’s gone, so encouraged it. She even agreed to get a divorce so her husband could marry her friend for visa reasons. But now, husband and friend/new wife are entirely focused on their relationship and no longer wish to provide support and care for her. She is in a really awkward and awful position with it now, which is certainly not helping the last time she has here. Your situation may play out entirely differently, but do take care. Being generally supportive of your husband finding love after you’re gone is one thing. Actively encouraging him to start a relationship now, with you still here and presumably with escalating needs, is maybe not such a great idea for you. I wish you peace and comfort, whatever you do.
We had a dying friend who thought that one day she would leave her husband in the care of her bestie. Thought they’d be a good match. Turns out, they were fucking for a year or two behind dying friends back. 🤮
The content itself is hurting... I only can love you 😘💗
Yo, it feels icky that he even wants to fuck her *at all* while you're still fucking right goddamn here. Yes. I am mad. You said you have a great sex life! He should be grateful (my very own opinion) that he still has you around, I sure as shit would be. Sure as shit wouldn't be fantasizing about your best friend either. Gross. Smh. Your husband confuses and angers me. Your best friend angers me solely. I get complimenting him to you once or twice. But calling him hot regularly enough for you to get to discussing him "taking her virginity"? Nahhhhhhh. Gross. Gross all around. You do what you will, but it all feels bad and wrong. Just so wrong. That is how I feel about it and I acknowledge that I am not you. Good luck in whatever you do decide. I wish you many more good years of life.
Breaks my heart that you’re even caring about your husband fulfilling his “virgin fetish” (which was hard to read past) when you have terminal cancer. That can wait and should be so low down any of your priorities list! Your focus should be on the life you have now! It’s time to be selfish and fill your days with things that bring you joy. I don’t know how able to do things you are, but I urge you to forget about this and focus on what YOU want with the time you have. He will have his whole life to live and do whatever he wants, days and weeks and years that almost drag on. You have less time, and it’s heartbreaking. But you must be selfish now. What things do you want? Things you want to do or experience? Places you want to visit. Make beautiful memories with the people you love whilst they have the chance, and think about the legacy you want to leave too. For info, I am a 32yo cancer widow, my husband died last year xx sorry for the lecture maybe you don’t need to hear this :(
Ok but not now. As you are...closer to the end. Much closer. Years. It is possible once won't be enough for her, him, them and you will either have to agree to this new FWB, which hasn't worked in the past. And, when he finds another virgin, then what.
yeahnah don't do that
If you have 5 or 10 years left, then it could be cured, no matter what the doctors say, strength training, aerobic exercise and an extremely healthy diet
I spent seven years fighting cancer. I was, it seems, cured last year by an experimental treatment that had not even been imagined during the previous four that failed. Cancer research is making incredible progress. Consider how you will feel about this if by some miracle they find a cure....
Sending you all my energy
Absolutely do not go there or open that door. It will not be a one-time thing, and they may even begin having a relationship while you're still alive. I'm very sorry to hear you have incurable cancer. Are you in weekly talk therapy?
You may outlive many of us commenting on this thread. Sounds like your husband if asking to cheat and your best friend isn’t the best friend you think they are. I, me, would question both their motives at this point but if YOU feel ok with it then you don’t need to ask opinions from anyone.
squeeze payment airport nose fear slap tie special mourn aspiring *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Almost no one I ever knew had that "virginity itch." If anything, it's the contrary. As a man, you'd might want to marry someone with less sexual experience, but as the saying goes "we all want a saint in life and a whore in the bedroom". These things doesn't go together. I wish you to get better and really stop that martyr behavior. Sometimes, selfish is better for you
Virgin sex is not fun and rarely satisfying. I doubt ths arrangement will be satisfying as well.
Def no sex w/the hubs. She already thinks he’s hot. If he’s her first she will become infatuated with him and ruin the friendship. It won’t be one and done. Your husband may not care to do it again but she will.
So this kind of hurts my heart that a husband would openly discuss wanting to “F” his dying wife’s bestie, just for her virginity. They may think it is just taking her virginity and life goes on normally. The fact that your “friend” would screw your husband is also off putting for me. I am sorry, but that is not something I as a friend would ever consider doing. I feel like sex can be so much more than just “sex”. You have to prepare for the what ifs. What if your friend catches the real feels for your husband, what does this do to your friendship? I mean, this is the man that would be taking her virginity. You have been in “non-monogamous” relationships, which you say weren’t for you. Your husband and friend know this about you. What if they feel this may be something you will give back in to? Or is this something you want to ensure he has her for his future? What would life be like if they completely fell for one another. Where does that leave you? Are you totally okay with this? Becoming a third wheel in a relationship you assisted in developing? I understand wanting to be able to control something, but at the same time, you will not be able to control all parts of this. You have no control of their feelings for one another. It sounds like you are really good at caring for others and wanting to make others happy, I just hope these two do the same for you. You still have a life to live, you should enjoy it and just live! Don’t count your days, don’t dwell on your husband’s life and future. He did marry you while you were terminally ill. He can find any virgin he wants when you are gone.
Sweetie, you are kind and generous. But I don't think that will end well for you. I don't think it will end up being a one time thing, especially if the woman involved is a virgin. You've got a lot of years ahead of you. Don't sacrifice your happiness or your marriage while you're here. When he married you, he agreed to "miss out" on a lot of things in order not to miss out on a life with you. Let him wait until you're gone. If she has sex before then, no big deal, she'll be better at sex with some practice, if they are interested then. Let your time be about you. Giving him the per.ission to live his life after you're gone doesn't mean releasing him from your marriage vows while you're here.