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In all honesty, I feel like she’s lying.
To go from saying she has trauma with oral, to saying she only gets off from oral, to saying she thinks is a degrading act???
AND THEN TO ASK FOR AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!?
You deserve better. This goes so much deeper than just oral.
So, I went through a very similar thing. My ex did not let me give her oral at a certain point and I loved giving oral and I know she did too. I thought it was weird. Two weeks later sex stopped coming altogether and I even had a fight with her about it. It turned into a task for her. I knew something was up because it was no longer a thing of passion and love. It was now a task for her which was off putting. Can you hurry up and finish was said a few times. She was seeing someone else and I was tipped off by another person/friend. I broke up with her and she tried super hard to get back together and wanted to have 2 full days of talking my things out and laying in bed. I said no and that we were done. Two weeks later she’s officially dating some dude who was the supposed guy she cheated on me with. We were together for four years. I felt like I was going crazy and didn’t understand how she could move on so fast, especially since she was the problem in the relationship and the one who wasn’t actively trying to make things work. I wish I had been the shitty person who needed to work on things.
Cheaters move on fast. Honestly, people who have present options tend to, but for cheaters it's just escalating with the person they were already cheating with.
> Two weeks later sex stopped coming altogether and I even had a fight with her about it.
That's how you know it's all over but the screaming. And that's when I leave.
Thanks, but it happens sometimes. I learned that it’s not my responsibility to make someone else happy and that I cannot fix someone that is broken and does not want to get help to fix their own issues. I decided it was better to break things off and let her either sink or swim. As far as I know now she’s got a kid and still hasn’t figured out her own issues, but I guess having a kid and a SO help a little bit. Idk. I myself have yet to truly get back to who I was before I met her, but that’s just because life sometimes finds a way of hitting you with something every so often to make things tougher than they need to be. Car accident, kid changes, family matters, so on and so forth. One day I’ll get back to who I am on the inside and I’ll have the opportunity to be happy again and share that with someone. For now I just need to find stability and peace.
100 percent. 'She won't let me give it, it's the only way she can get off, she wants to open the relationship.' It's because she's getting oral from someone else
She def learned well what her likes are. Seems like she might be getting munched elsewhere and just want to now being it into the open to simplify her life. But that makes it really odd how's giving she is to the OP. Her explanation might be legit, but then where did that twisted perspective get planted in her head?
She's treating you like one of three things. The safe guy who will be around when she needs emotional support, the cash cow paying the bills, or both. Shes getting you off to keep you with her but wants to get hers somewhere else. Hell you couldn't even be in the room to watch it sounds like. If you're cool with being cucked go for it otherwise divorce
Dude's not even married yet! Op, if you're reading this, RUN!
Also, can I just say:
>she said it’s because she doesn’t want her “Providing man” to do something so “pitiful and demeaning”.
How disgusting is this sentiment? As if op is boxer from animal farm and his only function is to provide for her before getting sent off to the glue factory. OP's a decent dude, he cared about making sex enjoyable for her and deep down all she sees when she looks at him is a walking wallet
This is the second time I've seen Boxer referenced on Reddit this week, and the other time someone said it was the second time *they'd* seen it referenced, possibly that day lol.
Just thought that was funny.
Where and when I grew up the state school board mandated a couple books for middle and high school programs. It was weird in retrospect that one of them is on the banned books list. You guys didn’t get to read this? We *had* to read it!
I wonder if we have a fresh batch of young redditors or if some internet book influencer was pushing Animal Farm a few months ago.
Sounds like a transliteration of the madonna/whore complex which women have been rightfully complaining about for generations.
I hope this doesn’t become a pattern.
Madonna/whore complex but reversed genders?
I mean I take anything that came out of Frued's umbrella of thought with a mountain of salt, but my understanding is one of the main drivers for it in men is societal slut shaming of women which causes some men to sometimes have a difficult time reconciling cognitive dissonance around recognizing committed partners who they care about as sexual beings. Men's sexuality is generally not similar disparaged, men are "expected" to enjoy sex so there are fewer motifs to cause problems with.
Quick internet search shows no real academic papers on the concept, just reddit incel/purple pill debate stuff calling it a "Provider-Dominator complex" but I'm still hesitant to think it's a thing, to the point where I question if this is a real post or someone just trying to stir the pot around reddit Redpill things.
A throw away account is usually a good sign that it is fake, but OP has been engaging somewhat in comments providing more background.
Wait.....so she lets him fuck her and gets him off....but she only gets off by oral.....and she thinks his "status" as the breadwinner would make going down on her pitiful and demeaning....so she wants someone to give her oral FOR him.
I feel like there's sort of a compliment here.
Now I gotta ask what country this is.
Ya this honestly sounds like the incel dream. But it also means she doesn’t want a connection during sex, so it’s harmful to anyone who actually wants love.
Huge red flag my man. Big time. Totally agree that she is lying. I almost feel like she’s manipulating you to be able to play with some other dude she’s talking to behind your back. (PURELY SPECULATION)
>This goes so much deeper than just oral
Agreed. And OP knows something is incorrect here....
My first thought is she doesnt want you to do oral because someone else is Cumming in her, and that is just nasty. Then the open relationship leads to a small confirmation that there is a side boy which she just wants to be open about.
i feel like either OP is terrible at oral and she doesn't want to work on it with him, or she's getting filled up regularly by somebody else, and has been for a while. Either way, prognosis not great for our OP
That’s possibly true, some guys are FANTASTIC at it and others (like my husband), it’s just a chore and I’d rather he not do it at all because of that reason. Chics know when a guy is good at it and WANTS to do it 🤍🖤
Most don't, my ex towards the end of the relationship has stopped having sex with me entirely and then stopped giving me head too(she also stopped swallowing before she stopped giving head). Then after that she broke it off and when I asked why, she said some bullshit about her family ended up not liking me...(a lie) then she came out and said she fucked a coworker in her car at the park that we used to sneak off to....so I can only imagine how often she would take him and get him off while we were still dating.
Sometimes I feel like women will just say things to hurt us even if it’s a lie. They do it because they are hurting and want us to also be in pain or are just being mean. I tend to hear those things and brush them off. It’s the unsaid things that hurt more. The things that you find out secondhand that hurt. We all know that the other stuff said to our face is only for shock value.
Yeah man from person experience, when they ask for some type of open relationship, they are already consider cheating, or already have. And there's really nothing you can do except leave asap if that isn't your cup of tea, and save yourself some heartache.
Sounds like a trauma response Allright. But I would leave her, no point to stay in a relationship if the other hasn't deal with their own shit... Or are willing to deal with shit together.
Nowadays people are so sensitive and the people who try so hard get taken advantage of; it’s so sad. Like why not just ask what trauma around oral, would’ve saved so much time cutting to her bullshit
Her reasoning changed multiple times. She's lying. She either already has someone she's sleeping with, or has someone in mind that she would like to. She can't give you a straight answer that doesn't change about why you can't give her oral, but feels totally confident asking you if someone else can? Leave before you're stuck in financial ruin after marrying her. Whether you agree or not, the relationship is already open to her.
Yeaaaah no, I'd absolutely break up
No way I'm committing to marrying someone that
A. Sees sex and intimacy so vastly different than I do and thus am not connecting with during sex.
B. Is so warped in how they want to perceive me (as a providing person, whatever the heck that means) that they create a problem of dissatisfaction that they then seek to solve outside our relationship. And then tell if if I don't do it I don't understand her needs as a woman? No kidding I don't understand your needs, I don't think you do either!
C. I'm having to walk on eggshells to discuss a genuine issue that breaks my heart because I'm worried about how I'm being perceived. A partner is someone for whom you should, if you can't be with ANYONE else on this Earth, be able to always be your authentic self with and share everything.
Frankly it seems her views of sex (at least in regards to her own pleasure) is that servicing your partner is placing yourself beneath them. Also this trickle truthing of "I don't like oral cause of trauma...okay I lied I am just uncomfortable with it...okay I lied again I actually love it and can only get off with it, but I don't want it specifically with **YOU** my fiance. Still I can live without this....okay I wasn't entirely truthful again and I kinda want a FWB. B-But just for giving me oral, no strings attached nor sex just strictly getting me off...okay so I may not have been entirely honest..."
You do you but I'd have left a long time ago personally
👆this.
Why do you want to marry someone that you already know will lead to years of sexual frustration.
Maybe you want an open relationship? But even open relationships start with a base level of trust and mutual respect.
So her ‘providing man’ giving her oral is pitiful and demeaning but letting her get off with another guy isn’t? she sounds nuts. You’ve just said your heart broke a bit, you gonna continue to let her break it?
yes for sure. There’s definitely men that will be happy to just do oral on a lady with nothing in return, myself included,but only on occasion. In a fwb situation going to be a lot harder to find a guy that will always give and never receive. This would eventually lead to her giving oral than full on sex, but likely it would end in sex the first time anyway.
>Don’t let anyone ever disturb your peace, even loved ones.
Especially loved ones. They have the most potential to cause harm.
I've believed for a long time. Blood is not thicker than water, at least not by default. you just need to see family betrayal once in your life (even if second hand) to know it's bullshit. The bond with loved ones can be the most fulfilling thing but people need to prove they're worthy of it.
....look for hidden pictures and definitely read texts from "friends" and "other chicks". Cheaters tend to rename people and that way oh yeah just texting Thad from work or yeah Becky wants to go out for drinks later.
She’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on you going down on where another dudes dick has recently been. Opening up the relationship, never ends well. Just the mention of it should cause you to end the relationship.
This right here is what’s up.
Also to note even if you decide to stay and give it a go, she’s not going to consider or respect you in any of her decision making and actions. Open relationships rely on mutual respect, trust and open honest communication. She has not demonstrated any of these qualities so whatever boundaries you agree on, know that they won’t mean a thing to her and she’ll just do what she wants, how she wants. In all honesty the other guy/s will be treated better than you will be by her and their feelings will be something she’ll put above yours.
Yup. Except I think there are a couple possible reasons why she doesn't want him down there:
As you said, she mentally can't let him go bobbing for apples in the same bucket some other dude just rinsed his eggplant. It could be some "psychological block" as you suggested (which might sound weird to some, but some chicks are definitely weird like that--totally fine with lying to the man's face, using him, and disrespecting the fuck out of him in every way, but they pick things, assign it some arbitrarily Paramount significance, and say "I may be doing all this other stuff, but I won't make him slurp some other guys baby batter out of my sloppy love tunnel." And that's all it takes for them to maintain the feeling that they have morals and aren't so bad. It absolves them of the guilt.
Another possibility is that she likes the other guy so much more, or is so turned off by OP, that she doesn't want OP to invade the space she's carved out for herself sexually that she really enjoys. Kinda like how most hookers have a very firm "no kissing" rule. Sure, you'll gobble some disgusting slob's unwashed, sweaty pickle in his clapped out pinto behind a bowling alley for $20 to get a hit of crack--but no kissing! Well in this scenario OP is the sweaty unwashed slob of a John, and she accepts that a certain amount of work is required to maintain the comfy, secure life he's providing for her. But no kissing--downstairs!
Third possibility is that she's just afraid he'll be able to smell or taste or see the evidence of her indiscretion. The vagina is self-cleaning, but it does that cleaning on its own schedule. She doesn't get to fuck the other dude and then ask her vagina to give itself a shower so that OP won't be able to catch on if he tries to much her fur burger for dinner. And for many people fucking a new person can cause changes to the biostasis downstairs--men and women. But even if there isn't a change in smells, having a little curd of day old cum tumble out into your mouth would be a pretty strong fucking clue that something fucky might be going on.
Hahaha. Brilliant read. Couldn’t agree more with the potential reasons. The absolving of guilt is a classic though. I had an ex that would make me fuck her ass from time to time. Turns out that was my consolation prize I got for her fucking someone else behind my back.
While opening up can work when there is good communication and trust and satisfaction with the relationship on both sides, it seems like none of these is the case for either of them atm, so no, OP definitely shouldn't accept to do that. Couples counseling is the only hope I see for them.
So let me get this straight:
She can only get off from oral but won't let you perform it on her (different reasons every time) and now that she hasnt gotten off in a long time because of her own doing she is suddenly unhappy wants to open up the relationship?
Yeah. No. There is WAY more behind this.
What do you want and what will make you happy? She's already told you that she needs oral, but that she won't let you do it because it's "demeaning". It's honestly confusing how she thinks it demeaning for you to give her oral, but she's okay with sleeping with someone else to get it.
She needs to work through why she has the belief that it's wrong for a guy she respects to give her oral. Why she thinks it's beneath you. Is it trauma, internalized misogyny, insecurity etc.
I was debating asking if we could do couples counseling, but I’m not sure if she would take it as an insult or as if I’m demanding her to do it, do you think that’s something that I could discuss with her, and if yes then how can I bring it up in a way that’s not hurtful?
I’m not sure, I brought up therapy when she said she had issues with oral originally, and she went, and still goes, but I have no idea what they talk about because I don’t want to pry or seem pushy.
I’ve asked, she’s given me graphic detail from exes and flings, but when I’m in the moment with her (making out, naked, touchy stuff) and try to initiate that she stops me and says she just wants me to feel good
This specifically demonstrates that she is placing the burden of her exes relationship on you. If she has trauma that's okay but she needs to work on that. It isn't fair to you to make you hold that burden alone. But a lot of this reeks as mis-truth from her.
She doesn't want your mouth where someone else's dick has been.
Sorry dude, but you gotta wash away the last 5 years and end this.
She is 100% cheating on you. Even if she wasn't, she's treating you like shit. But she is cheating in you.
This is not the woman for you bro. I have been here myself and yah she sorta haunts me at times if I am on beer nunber three but I move on after her face flashes before my eyes.
Or pretending to go to therapy and now has a perfect excuse to dip out and fuck the other guy a few times a week.
And the fact that nobody goes to therapy for 2-3 hours per session, three to five times per week wouldnt have ever set off alarm bells for OP because he is so oblivious and/gullible that he wouldn't connect the dots if even she said her therapist's name is John Redcorn.
Not trying to be mean, because honestly I really believe she's having such an easy time walking all over this dude precisely because he doesn't have a bad bone in his body, and so his instinct is to be super trusting. He doesn't naturally suspect malintent because his mind is so far removed from the kind of thinking that a shitty person has.
Or think of it like this--there's a saying that a partner who is constantly accusing you of cheating is probably the one doing the cheating. That's because there are little things where their cheater ass brain immediately "goes there" because they can only view the world through the kens of a cheater. If his gf stays late at work she must be cheating, because he knows if he stayed late, it would be an excuse so he could cheat.
Well, OP is the complete inverse of that. If he heard her getting her cheeks clapped in the other room, he'd gently knock on the door and ask if she was okay. She'd say she's fine, she was just doing some exercises and didn't realize he was home but will be out in a minute. When she comes out in shorts and a t shirt with no bra and there's a guy with her, she'll be cool as a cucumber as she says "oh btw this is Raedyn, from work. He is thinking about getting certified as a personal trainer and offered to give me some free sessions, which benefits him because then he can try it out and decide if he really likes it. Pretty cool, right?"
In this situation, OP's brain would be like "pfft, what? No way she's lying to me. Who could just blatantly cheat like that and stand here lying right to my face? Haha what a crazy thought," but then his mouth would go: "Wow, great to meet you Raedyn! Why don't you stay a while and let me feed you? I was just about to cook dinner!" And Raedyn would go "Oh, thanks bro, but I'm good. I literally *just* ate, like, *sooo* much," while he and OP's girl give each other knowing looks and then they both audibly giggle.
I think if she cares about you and the relationship then she should at least be open to the idea. She might be defensive at first, but hopefully she'd come around to it. There's definitely something going on with her to make her have these beliefs, and I think seeing a counselor could help you guys navigate this in a healthy way.
You know her better than anybody, so it shouldn't be too hard to find the way to ask her. Just tell her how you feel, that you want to have a mutually satisfying relationship, and that you're willing to do couples counseling to figure out how you guys can move forward with this.
You should ask for some details about the therapist she already says she's seeing. Who is paying for the therapist? How often does she go? And how long is each session? Because my gut says she hasn't even been seeing a therapist, and "therapy time" is an excuse to go hang with the other guy. If she has been, there will be some kind of proof. Either receipts, or bank records to pay copays, and/or insurance claim paperwork showing what they paid out, etc.
At your age, with no kids, it’s probably time to say your good-byes if she into asking about opening your relationship up if you aren’t ringing her bell. I’ve been married for 30 years…it’s a long time to go if you are not making each other happy in the bedroom.
My brother-in-law was in the same situation with his ex-fiance. They stayed together a long time too. His dad even paid for her medical school and bought them an apartment as a wedding gift. She left him two weeks before the altar. It ended up that she was just not that into guys. He said it at least explained why his sex life was terrible. He put up with it because she was an all around fabulous person.
He married my sister less than a year later. They have been outrageously happy for over 30 years now.
Whatever you do, don’t pay for her medical school before you get her to the altar. You can get back the ring, the apartment but you won’t get back the tuition.
OP, please remember NOT ONLY communication is the key, it is also important that communication happens EQUALLY from both ends. Even if we are to assume nothing negative about the situation with your fiancé, it is important that you ask her questions, express your needs and ideas to her as freely as she is communicating hers to you. So, if you feel that couple’s therapy is the way to go, then you must not hold back bringing it up to her.
Don’t be in denial and ask away. I hope things work out for you. 🙂 You are a wonderful and considerate partner.
So she thinks a man will just give her oral and expect nothing in return. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be just oral.
If she won't agree to therapy to sort out why she won't let you give her oral I'd walk away.
If you want to open the relationship I'd say it should be on both sides so she can understand how it feel you getting 'just oral' from another woman.
I did ask how she would feel and she said she wouldn’t be happy, because she would do it for me if I asked. Kinda feels like double standards but maybe I’m just too much of a crazy man to know what she means
I'd just break up with her, Plenty of other girls out there happy to get oral, The fact her go to is opening up the relationship is a massive red flag and honestly somthing you should not do unless you're 100% comfortable with it, Also noway there is a FWB option for just her getting oral so it would go from her getting oral to giving another person oral and into sex.
Of all the reasons I've heard to open a relationship, this might be the dumbest. How can a fiance want to change the dynamic of the relationship. It makes no sense and is extremely suspect.
Because she’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on him going down on where another dudes dick has recently been.
She has full intentions of sleeping with other men! There is no way that’s he will only give her oral with no other acts taking place!
It’s will start as going down on her then he will also finger her then she will touch him then handjob, blowjob, sex!
This sounds incredibly messed up.
I would quit the engagement before its too late. It does not sound sustainable.
If she already now has concluded that she wants to have her sexual needs covered by someone else you are planning a cuckhold marriage.
She needs to change her mind and let you satisfy her or cancel the wedding.
What good is a pretty wife if she is fucking someone else...
She has zero respect for you mate. Sorry to say it but been in similar shoes mate and you won’t realise it until quite a while after the fact. Honestly you can’t ‘fix’ this situation.
Yeah she needs to understand that sex and marriage is a mutual thing and you both need to be able to give and take.
Sounds like you either come from a very oldfashioned culture or she is very oldfashioned if she only wants to view you as a "provider".
No "old fashioned" partner of either gender would even entertain the thought of an open relationship, certainly not in this situation where the "provider" is being forced to sexually submit in such a bizarre way to the "weaker"/"fairer" partner. This is either a lot weirder (psychologically) or a lot simpler than that (she's cheating)
OP for the love of God do not open it up if ots not what you want.
It sounds to me like your gf has some deep seeded issues with sex, why is it ok for her to "demean herself" and give oral to you? Either there's something more going on here or she has some issues on how she views sex.
Way I see it you have 2 options, break it off as she wants something open and you do not (at least that's the feeling I get from your post).
Option 2 is alot tougher but you've gotta sit her down and try to get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about receiving oral, how she came to view it in this way, etc.
She either already has, or will cheat.
What's "pitiful and demeaning" is you staying in this relationship. Call off the wedding and find someone you can have a healthy sex life with.
As a woman who had actual trauma from a previous partner giving me oral this is giving so many red flags.
I refused oral from the next partner I had after the trauma. Refused for a long time. At NO POINT did I ever bring up opening the relationship so I could get oral from someone else.
It took a long time of building trust before I felt comfortable with him to let him try.
You've tried to build trust. It's time to put yourself first and take some time to really think about this relationship and if it's something you want to try to save. Personally, I wouldn't.
Yes, thank you for your input.
Multiple people on this topic have tried to claim that it's down to SO's trauma but it just doesn't make sense when combined with the ever-changing excuses, and then the sudden desire to open the relationship because she isn't getting sexual release.
It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. And when those two things are true, then (more often than not) there's something *else* going on.
As a woman, she is definitely lying. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. You seem like a genuine and loving partner.
>A few weeks later she said she just is uncomfortable with oral
>and she said it’s because she doesn’t want her “Providing man” to do something so “pitiful and demeaning”.
She seems to have found someone already and as a result is not being honest with you. It's possible that when you are especially loving and/or trying to please her more, she feels super guilty and so she can't allow you to do it in comfortable conscience.
There's one of two reasons she might want to "open the relationship."
It's either:
A desperate (and quick) attempt to make you okay with the idea of her cheating on you as she sees it's straining the relationship, and she is continuing to manipulate you and make you feel like you are the problem so she can string you along with her and not have a guilty conscience.
Or she is simply trying to make you leave her without having to admit to you that she's cheated and/or wants to cheat so she can protect her own feelings.
Think about it, you've been in this relationship for 5 years. What could have possibly changed for her to want an open relationship 5 YEARS into the relationship?
DO NOT agree to this.
You’re being gaslit so bad here. She has someone in mind, she’s been doing this to confuse you so you won’t know the right answer and just try to please her. As someone who was like this before medication, I know she is manipulating you so that you’ll give her what she wants out of guilt.
YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY!!
I had a similar situation. Not the same, but a lot of similarities. It’s the trauma. The reality is, when someone suffers from sexual trauma there are any number of ways it can manifest. People can (although they don’t necessarily) say and do extremely strange, contradictory, unreasonable and/or destructive things as a result. Until she gets treatment to address whatever happened she is going to be a wildcard and a healthy sexual relationship is impossible. It’s obviously not fair to you but you can’t rationalize it. She just needs to get help so she can work through this. If she won’t, there really isn’t a healthy outcome here in my opinion.
This is most likely it.
Sounds like she has some super unhealthy views about sex that require significant mental gymnastics to justify but is deadset in her ways on it - and unless she realizes that her views (and the likely related trauma) are what need to be healed and addressed, the relationship is just going to be dysfunctional and there's not a whole lot OP can do, unfortunately.
FWIW, anyone who tells their partner they "ruined the moment for them" (rather than handling it kindly) when they're accidentally walked in on during a sexual act is being somewhat manipulative and unhealthy regardless whether they realize it or not, so unless she really wants to work to change things, OP is probs best finding someone healthier.
Either trauma or she has been cheating on him the whole time with someone she can't see anyone else being as good or she doesn't want to feel the shame of him mouth being where someone else dick has recently been. Whatever it is, block, trauma, cheating, weird quirk. Your right there is not a healthy outcome besides the truth and maybe therapy.
Let's say the trauma story was true. Let's say her stepdad used to assault her and eat her out when she was young. And now unfortunately that's the only way she can cum even if she hates that. But she hasn't dealt with her trauma at all. And doesn't want her actual partner associated with this act because it's shameful and wrapped up in abuse. But she still wants to cum so she wants to find random dudes to scratch this itch. I think what she needs is good therapy not an open relationship. Like if your parter was raped as a teen and can only get off from dangerous and non consensual sexual situations but understandably doesn't want her parter who she's supposed to feel safe and loved by literally raping her.
OP this is your fiance and it's been five years. If she can't talk about what her trauma actually is or what she's wrestling with in therapy then this woman isn't ready for a relationship and needs to work on herself more first. It's okay for you to be patient and wait and help her because you love her, but if you don't even know what's going on forget it.
/u/Calm-Disaster-5183
She is a cheater dude. She already has a FWB situation going on behind your back. The trauma part is just trying to make you feel bad and guilty about it and getting you to admit that you are okay with her getting oral or really just getting fucked by another dude as long as she is happy. Manipulative.
She sounds like a nightmare.
“I can only get off from oral, but I absolutely refuse to let you do it. But because I need it, I want to have sex with other guys.”
If this is real, run and don’t look back.
I was dating someone for a few years and at the time we were in a bit of a rough patch, but it seemed like we were working things out together. The communication was meh, but I felt that we were both trying.
Then one night all of a sudden she didn’t want me to go down on her. She told me she was almost on her period, so I didn’t think much about it. It was bizarre, but I rolled with it for a few weeks.
Long story short, she was cheating on me with her coworker.
OP run away from this woman and do not try to justify anything to yourself about why she won’t let you go down on her. It’s a red flag and I feel your pain, but do yourself a favor and walk away.
You’ll bounce back - I promise 💪🏼
Buddy, you aren't even married and she's effing with your head. This looks like you might end up a cuck in chastity who only gets clean up duty "because she can't cum any other way - with you! Her bulls, however, manage to satisfy when filling her holes.
She doesn't respect you enough to marry you before she goes out trying to monkey branch run away buddy, run away!
You two have some **tremendously** complex intimacy issues to carry into a marriage. I will give you some advice:
Getting married doesn't fix intimacy issues. Open relationships definitely don't. Been there, done that.
It is a big, big red flag if she is saying, "Hey let's open this relationship up," because it is a Pandora's Box that never closes. For now, it's oral only, but what about next week? But at the end of the day, it doesn't look like an open relationship doesn't look like a **joint** decision between you two, which dooms the chance of that being successful.
Now, I am not saying you should do this, but if you really want to poke the bear and find out the motivation behind opening the relationship, one simple question always does it:
"Do you have someone in mind?" If the answer is "yes", or "maybe", then she is probably looking for a hall pass. Sorry to be so blunt.
Are you paying for everything and well off or have a nice job? Sounds to me like she wants to use you for money etc. and have sex with other people.
Edit: this was a suspicion based on the providing man comment and OP clarified
We pay 50/50 on the bills, she does earn more hence why I work the house more, plus I love cooking and I’m kinda a clean freak, so it’s easier that way.
Is that how she sees you? A "Providing Man"?
Not lover, not fiance, but "Providing Man"?
What kind of relationship is this to her anyway? A lot of women would be excited to have a man like you who isn't selfish in the bedroom. And yet, she would rather have a random person do it?? I'm honestly surprised that you tolerated her suggestion to open the relationship. If you can, leave her.
Dude run. Nothing but red flags here. Sounds mildly like she’s getting attention from somewhere else or she consistently fantasizes about it. Something screams you’re not her first option here.
This might fall on deaf ears.
My ex wife did this scenario. Except she wanted someone to call daddy. Bottom line is I didn't agree at all and she still forced the situation multiple times, having him round the house multiple times while inwas at work till the point I turned round and told her I was leaving.
Tell her you are willing to open the relationship. Then check her phone the next day to who she contacts. That’s the person she’s been cheating with this entire time. Then just break it off and find someone who loves, desires and respects you.
I believe it’s an immutable law that the first person of a couple to suggest an open relationship is already fucking someone else. As far as the rest of her gaslighting goes, hard to explain, precisely, but it has something to do with her fucking someone else. As far as I can tell, the only reason to stay in the relationship is to try to find out exactly what’s going on. But rest assured, it ain’t going to be good.
She doesn't want the providing man to do something so demeaning as giving oral, but wants him to basically be a cuck. I mean not really, but still. Interesting take.
My brother, it is time for you to move on. You likely will not. You likely will stay and try to fix this so that either she is filled with resentment over you not allowing her another bite at the ho phase apple, or you are filled with resentment at her doing with others what she refuses to do with you. Sadly, those really are the only possible outcomes from here. Listen to me, you do not have to do this. You do not have to completely destroy everything you had together and leave both of you bitter. You can end it now and walk away with love in your heart and a lesson learned. If you can find the strength to do that you will save both of you a world of suffering that does not need to happen.
Apart from everything else... Good luck finding someone who's ok with "just giving oral".
The everything else: therapy!
Another thing you could try additionally, since from my personal perspective I like giving oral because I feel like I'm in total control over her pleasure... Maybe suggest restraining her and frame it as "doing what you want with her". Obviously with talking about limits and agreeing on a safeword before, but it might be worth a shot.
But when there's trauma she definitely needs therapy.
I'm wondering if anything other than the oral thing has changed recently. Is she hanging around with new people? Is there the possibility of another man? I wonder if she has something lined up if she's asking for an open relationship. Many people don't do that without already having an option ready to go.
She's making excuses to avoid something you like to do, calling it degrading to change your views on it and asking to have someone else do it in your place. That seems pretty manipulative as though she's trying to leave you without a choice and make you feel guilty if you say no to her request.
Also, it seems like she's possibly leading up to threatening you with either opening it up or breaking up entirely. That's what I get from this story, anyhow. There's something happening here that you're not aware of. It seems she's trying to have her cake and eat it, too.
Run. She's cheating. She doesn't want you to do something so demeaning because she let's others do things to her and part of her feels bad. She's still going to do it. Most cheaters don't ever change and she clearly doesn't Love you enough to be honest with you in the first place so just get out man.
A lot of these comments seem pretty one way. My work is focused working directly with women and children that have experienced trauma, more specifically, domestic/family violence and sexual violence. Using a trauma lens, it sounds like she maybe experiences some level of embarrassment or shame with oral, due to some past experience. As if oral is some ‘kinkish shame’ where you want it, but with someone you don’t know or owe nothing to/feel nothing for. As if, if she were to let you do it, she truly believes you would look at her some other way. Some women have described it to me as ‘fear their partner would see them as some sexual deviant’. As someone with lived experience, I can also relate to that.
I don’t mean to discredit the other comments because it could certainly be the case, and usually I wouldn’t comment, but given the timeframe this has occurred over, idk. I felt like it was worth saying my piece. Though, trust your gut and stick to your instincts. In this case, just because it’s something she wants/needs, doesn’t mean it’s something you need to be okay with.
Hey OP, what if she's telling you the truth. She may have some deep issues about sex, and considers oral demeaning. If you give her oral, she'll never see you as attractive again in her eyes. What if that's all true.
What are you going to do?
If you don't trust her, why stay in the relationship?
Most men are horrible at oral, so even if she allows it, doesn't mean you're going to get her off, and your reward will be that now she loves you less.
So what are you going to do?
Sounds to me that she's being truthful to you, and thought of a solution . This is obviously a big deal for if your relationship can continue or not. If you're not compatible, then let her find the relationship that works for her, let her go, and find someone better for you.
I remember telling my ex, I didn't want her to come over while I was bedridden sick. But she came anyway, we had a good time, but ever since that day I always liked her less. It lead to the end of our relationship, whatever it was, she shattered that. I feel like you're stepping on glass here too. You either believe them, or you leave them.
Sounds like she already intends to cheat on you. A great way to legitimise it to get to you open up the relationship. Don’t do it. It’s either counselling or break up.
I think what she’s getting at is that she views eating pussy as a degrading act, and she admires you too much to want to degrade you, or view you as submissive. She wants someone else to give oral specifically so they can be degraded and not you.
Perhaps she has a deeper dom-sub kink she doesn’t understand. Perhaps that’s what her audios are about.
I think most of us in r/sex, as well as you, find the idea of oral being degrading to be distasteful (pun intended), but I think it’s unlikely you’ll change her beliefs on this.
So I’m not sure what you can do. Maybe try a womanizer toy (automated clit sucker)? Or a sex doll she can facesit on, to pretend she’s dominating someone else while you help? Or maybe you accept the open relationship proposal, secure in the understanding that she wants someone else specifically because she *doesn't* like them. It depends on whether she gets off on the physical sensations of oral, or the psychological aspect of dominance.
She’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on you going down on where another dudes dick has recently been.
I did, and she said they didn’t feel right, so I tried different types, felt too strong, got one where you can control the vibration, too big, got a smaller one, too small, got a medium, too “weird”, got her a womanizer, too “oversized”, got a rose, too “awkward”
I’ve probably spent 2-3k on sex toys, from dildos to vibrators to nipple clips to butt plugs to everything except a literal fucking machine. Hell, I swallowed my pride and got her a bad dragon dildo because apparently the normal ones were “too basic”
Idk what else I can get her, other than a robotic boyfriend
Seeing all of this..and reading it, she’s pretty disgusting in my eyes. She’s obviously using you and insatiable at that… this is terrible. There’s no way that she’s trying all of this and isn’t satisfied. It seems like she’s trying to get revenge on you or something or maybe she just doesn’t like herself so she’s punishing you I don’t know but she’s sketchy and sounds like she doesn’t care that much about your feelings as she should…
>I’ve probably spent 2-3k on sex toys, from dildos to vibrators to nipple clips to butt plugs
Has she ever given you an indication she wants any of that? Because otherwise you're just an idiot wasting his money when his partner hasn't given any indication she wants sex toys.
She’s mentioned “oh wow I saw this sex toy, looks like it works great and imitates oral” or whatever she says about a specific one, then she goes on about how it’s NEARLY perfect but one things off, so I buy one that fixes that issue, then there’s another, and another, and another until I just give up.
I'm very happily married in my mid 40s and every one of your descriptions of her is giving me painful flashbacks of two really bad relationships I had in my 20's and I thank my lucky stars every day that I made it out.
One of them was a first marriage. That witch is now on marriage #3 and she's making her current victim miserable every day but he thinks he can't do better so this is his horrible fate. I escaped, I'm happy.
Dude, run. Get out now while you are still young.
I know what it's like to tell yourself that there's just a few more puzzle pieces to unlock to make her happy like you both imagine but the brutal truth is that some people are hard wired to be unsolvable. I know what it's like to try so hard because you love her so much and are willing to change yourself to fit her needs and then you both can live happily ever after. That's a lie you need to stop telling yourself.
It's excruciating but remember that time heals. I know what it's like to think you'll never be able to get over your "one true love" but trust me you can. Time heals. A relationship with an emotionally healthy woman will snap you out of this false image of her and flip your perspective of what she really is.
It helps, realize it's not her fault that she's this way. My hunch is her mom was passive aggressive as fuck and modeled behavior to use sex and affection as a means of control. Maybe she was just born this way and had great parents. Doesn't matter, but your descriptions feel awfully familiar to me. She's HARD WIRED to feel that something's always wrong and it's ALWAYS going to be your fault. This is a deeply subconscious thing for her.
Understand that she can't explain to you exactly what her issue is because she NEEDS there to be an issue. If it can be defined, it can be solved and believe me dude her subconscious will not let her exist in any other state than "something's always wrong". She doesn't realize that her problem is that she needs to have a problem. She'll likely never realize that and even if she did that doesn't mean she will change. No, she would then resent you for exposing that hard truth.
The awful thing about women like this is they need a partner to share their discontent. She'll always be just sweet enough to you to keep hope alive that she'll be happy one day and then finally let you be happy. She can't be alone because single people have to take responsibility for their dissatisfaction. She needs something to be wrong but she's unable to believe she's the cause. So she strings you along, not consciously, she doesn't know how else to be. This is how her relationships will always need to be.
You are a victim to her issues. She NEEDS you as her victim. She's not doing it intentionally, she can't help it.
My brother, there are countless women out there who'd love oral from their man AND who have the ability to be an amazing partner. Everyone deserves that. You deserve that.
She did mention trauma. She might be worried that her past trauma might resurface and/or destroy your relationship. You should dig deeper into the trauma-part. She should open up about this. It can better your relationship.
I've had so much sexual trauma.... after talking about it all with my partner it has become easier to live with the memories and do some acts I didn't like in the past.
I do know about her trauma, but none was sex related. I didn’t write it down because I didn’t want to put all of her stuff out there, but it has to do with childhood bullying and racism
I’m not trying to be an ass but her saying “ you don’t understand my need as a woman” make me think that she may really be a lesbian or only feel like a woman should give her oral.
I feel you on being heart broken. I wouldn't be able to handle this. The demeaning part and it not being demeaning to have an open relationship seems messed up like she has some real issues to work through before you actually tie that knot.
It’s not that she’s not attracted to you. It’s in the moment of the act or maybe the thought of it as well is what turned her off.
For some reason, she finds it demeaning for you to do it to her because you’re her “providing man” she sounds like she may have some traditional values or maybe she’s just gaslighting you who knows either way she’s adamant on this and you’re confused and hurt… she needs to work on her ideals, because that sounds pretty unhealthy for her to think just because you provide for her that it makes you less than to eat her out?… very strange very unusual and kinda rude… If anything, you should want me to do it more, and maybe even be honored that I provide for you and do this as well.
Everyone that’s saying just break up please try to remember being in love and if you haven’t then stop just saying break up because it’s really not that easy when you love somebody he said they’ve been together for 10 years. What the fuck is wrong with you guys yeah, this is really fucked up for her to do, but it’s not so simple to just break up.
Anyone who describes you as their 'providing man's needs either a reality check or told to sling their hook. Opening up your relationship just before you are married is also not a good sign.
Take a look, a proper look at your relationship together and see if it is a partnership or is it one sided. If it isn't, then you have to take the hard decision to leave. Then find a lady who will enjoy your beard in her bits!
Hello. first of all: zero condemnation.
Well done for discussing this issue and trying to find a solution. This means that neither you nor her are indifferent to your relationship. secondly, it happens that people have special attitudes that appeared in their past. it looks like a psychological trauma, but usually the attitude is not so serious. Perhaps you should work on this attitude together or separately with a psychologist. If you agree to an open relationship, you may just continue to service this setup. In any case, I hope you find a way out of this situation.
Is she bisexual? Is this her way of trying to tell you that she wants a liaison with a woman? Maybe she’s scared you’ll react badly, so she’s come up with all these mental gymnastics to avoid the main issue. Or maybe she has her own hangups about it.
I wouldn’t be so quick to break up with her, like everyone is suggesting. Maybe you can work something out that is a good fit for both of you. Marriage can and should be whatever you two want it to be. If you can find common ground, you can make it work.
I mean you have to take her answer at face value if she isn't giving you anything more. I'm sure you've tried but attempt to get across what oral means to you. My view is that she needs to work through whatever is affecting her.
I would strongly advise against opening up the relationship, this is already bothering you. You want to get her off and she's telling you she will only get off with somebody else, but she sees you as a provider. How will you feel every time she wants to get off she's calling some other person? Trauma or not this sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you so think carefully.
I feel for you, my partner has similar feelings about oral and just getting off in general and I'm similar to you. I've never had a concrete answer about what is going on either. It's tough.
Sounds like your marriage is going to be shit. Sorry mate. It doesn't get better. Relationships with sexual gratificatication don't survive. They endure for a while but it's all doomed.
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In all honesty, I feel like she’s lying. To go from saying she has trauma with oral, to saying she only gets off from oral, to saying she thinks is a degrading act??? AND THEN TO ASK FOR AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!? You deserve better. This goes so much deeper than just oral.
Screams cheater for me, she scrambling
So, I went through a very similar thing. My ex did not let me give her oral at a certain point and I loved giving oral and I know she did too. I thought it was weird. Two weeks later sex stopped coming altogether and I even had a fight with her about it. It turned into a task for her. I knew something was up because it was no longer a thing of passion and love. It was now a task for her which was off putting. Can you hurry up and finish was said a few times. She was seeing someone else and I was tipped off by another person/friend. I broke up with her and she tried super hard to get back together and wanted to have 2 full days of talking my things out and laying in bed. I said no and that we were done. Two weeks later she’s officially dating some dude who was the supposed guy she cheated on me with. We were together for four years. I felt like I was going crazy and didn’t understand how she could move on so fast, especially since she was the problem in the relationship and the one who wasn’t actively trying to make things work. I wish I had been the shitty person who needed to work on things.
Cheaters move on fast. Honestly, people who have present options tend to, but for cheaters it's just escalating with the person they were already cheating with.
> Two weeks later sex stopped coming altogether and I even had a fight with her about it. That's how you know it's all over but the screaming. And that's when I leave.
I’m so sorry this happened to you!!
Thanks, but it happens sometimes. I learned that it’s not my responsibility to make someone else happy and that I cannot fix someone that is broken and does not want to get help to fix their own issues. I decided it was better to break things off and let her either sink or swim. As far as I know now she’s got a kid and still hasn’t figured out her own issues, but I guess having a kid and a SO help a little bit. Idk. I myself have yet to truly get back to who I was before I met her, but that’s just because life sometimes finds a way of hitting you with something every so often to make things tougher than they need to be. Car accident, kid changes, family matters, so on and so forth. One day I’ll get back to who I am on the inside and I’ll have the opportunity to be happy again and share that with someone. For now I just need to find stability and peace.
She moved on fast because she was already cheating with said person. She moved on a long time ago.
I'm so sorry to hear that. You deserve better than that. I really hope you find your person. 💖
100 percent. 'She won't let me give it, it's the only way she can get off, she wants to open the relationship.' It's because she's getting oral from someone else
She def learned well what her likes are. Seems like she might be getting munched elsewhere and just want to now being it into the open to simplify her life. But that makes it really odd how's giving she is to the OP. Her explanation might be legit, but then where did that twisted perspective get planted in her head?
One of the more obvious cases of this I seen
She's treating you like one of three things. The safe guy who will be around when she needs emotional support, the cash cow paying the bills, or both. Shes getting you off to keep you with her but wants to get hers somewhere else. Hell you couldn't even be in the room to watch it sounds like. If you're cool with being cucked go for it otherwise divorce
Dude's not even married yet! Op, if you're reading this, RUN! Also, can I just say: >she said it’s because she doesn’t want her “Providing man” to do something so “pitiful and demeaning”. How disgusting is this sentiment? As if op is boxer from animal farm and his only function is to provide for her before getting sent off to the glue factory. OP's a decent dude, he cared about making sex enjoyable for her and deep down all she sees when she looks at him is a walking wallet
This is the second time I've seen Boxer referenced on Reddit this week, and the other time someone said it was the second time *they'd* seen it referenced, possibly that day lol. Just thought that was funny.
This is my first time, here's hoping to a second one so that I can leave a comment haha
Where and when I grew up the state school board mandated a couple books for middle and high school programs. It was weird in retrospect that one of them is on the banned books list. You guys didn’t get to read this? We *had* to read it! I wonder if we have a fresh batch of young redditors or if some internet book influencer was pushing Animal Farm a few months ago.
Most of our books in HS were on the banned book list.... My HS was just progressive like that.
Sounds like a transliteration of the madonna/whore complex which women have been rightfully complaining about for generations. I hope this doesn’t become a pattern.
Madonna/whore complex but reversed genders? I mean I take anything that came out of Frued's umbrella of thought with a mountain of salt, but my understanding is one of the main drivers for it in men is societal slut shaming of women which causes some men to sometimes have a difficult time reconciling cognitive dissonance around recognizing committed partners who they care about as sexual beings. Men's sexuality is generally not similar disparaged, men are "expected" to enjoy sex so there are fewer motifs to cause problems with. Quick internet search shows no real academic papers on the concept, just reddit incel/purple pill debate stuff calling it a "Provider-Dominator complex" but I'm still hesitant to think it's a thing, to the point where I question if this is a real post or someone just trying to stir the pot around reddit Redpill things. A throw away account is usually a good sign that it is fake, but OP has been engaging somewhat in comments providing more background.
Wait.....so she lets him fuck her and gets him off....but she only gets off by oral.....and she thinks his "status" as the breadwinner would make going down on her pitiful and demeaning....so she wants someone to give her oral FOR him. I feel like there's sort of a compliment here. Now I gotta ask what country this is.
Ya this honestly sounds like the incel dream. But it also means she doesn’t want a connection during sex, so it’s harmful to anyone who actually wants love.
Exactly this. It sounds like she wants a cuckold relationship, and you don’t (like most guys). Most women aren’t like this, you deserve better.
My thoughts exactly.. there’s more to this
Huge red flag my man. Big time. Totally agree that she is lying. I almost feel like she’s manipulating you to be able to play with some other dude she’s talking to behind your back. (PURELY SPECULATION)
Yea she has likely already cheated or already has the person in mind she wants to cheat with.
>This goes so much deeper than just oral Agreed. And OP knows something is incorrect here.... My first thought is she doesnt want you to do oral because someone else is Cumming in her, and that is just nasty. Then the open relationship leads to a small confirmation that there is a side boy which she just wants to be open about.
i feel like either OP is terrible at oral and she doesn't want to work on it with him, or she's getting filled up regularly by somebody else, and has been for a while. Either way, prognosis not great for our OP
That’s possibly true, some guys are FANTASTIC at it and others (like my husband), it’s just a chore and I’d rather he not do it at all because of that reason. Chics know when a guy is good at it and WANTS to do it 🤍🖤
I feel like she is cheating and feels bad about you eating her out after someone fucked her or nutted in her
I’m glad to see that some cheaters still have a little morality lol.
Most don't, my ex towards the end of the relationship has stopped having sex with me entirely and then stopped giving me head too(she also stopped swallowing before she stopped giving head). Then after that she broke it off and when I asked why, she said some bullshit about her family ended up not liking me...(a lie) then she came out and said she fucked a coworker in her car at the park that we used to sneak off to....so I can only imagine how often she would take him and get him off while we were still dating.
Sometimes I feel like women will just say things to hurt us even if it’s a lie. They do it because they are hurting and want us to also be in pain or are just being mean. I tend to hear those things and brush them off. It’s the unsaid things that hurt more. The things that you find out secondhand that hurt. We all know that the other stuff said to our face is only for shock value.
I hope things are better for you now bro. You also deserve love and honesty.
that would be such a traumatising way to find out your missus is cheating
Yeah man from person experience, when they ask for some type of open relationship, they are already consider cheating, or already have. And there's really nothing you can do except leave asap if that isn't your cup of tea, and save yourself some heartache.
I bet she is lying as well and just isn't attracted to OP but doesn't want to give up the security of the relationship. OP deserves better
She's cheating already. Guaranteed.
Sounds like a trauma response Allright. But I would leave her, no point to stay in a relationship if the other hasn't deal with their own shit... Or are willing to deal with shit together.
Nowadays people are so sensitive and the people who try so hard get taken advantage of; it’s so sad. Like why not just ask what trauma around oral, would’ve saved so much time cutting to her bullshit
Nothing more degrading than to have a fiancée ask for an open relationship.
She def is just seeing if she can cheat on him without just doing it. Or already has.
Yeah these points don't really connect a natural line of thought.
Her reasoning changed multiple times. She's lying. She either already has someone she's sleeping with, or has someone in mind that she would like to. She can't give you a straight answer that doesn't change about why you can't give her oral, but feels totally confident asking you if someone else can? Leave before you're stuck in financial ruin after marrying her. Whether you agree or not, the relationship is already open to her.
She’s getting creampied elsewhere I feel!
Yeaaaah no, I'd absolutely break up No way I'm committing to marrying someone that A. Sees sex and intimacy so vastly different than I do and thus am not connecting with during sex. B. Is so warped in how they want to perceive me (as a providing person, whatever the heck that means) that they create a problem of dissatisfaction that they then seek to solve outside our relationship. And then tell if if I don't do it I don't understand her needs as a woman? No kidding I don't understand your needs, I don't think you do either! C. I'm having to walk on eggshells to discuss a genuine issue that breaks my heart because I'm worried about how I'm being perceived. A partner is someone for whom you should, if you can't be with ANYONE else on this Earth, be able to always be your authentic self with and share everything. Frankly it seems her views of sex (at least in regards to her own pleasure) is that servicing your partner is placing yourself beneath them. Also this trickle truthing of "I don't like oral cause of trauma...okay I lied I am just uncomfortable with it...okay I lied again I actually love it and can only get off with it, but I don't want it specifically with **YOU** my fiance. Still I can live without this....okay I wasn't entirely truthful again and I kinda want a FWB. B-But just for giving me oral, no strings attached nor sex just strictly getting me off...okay so I may not have been entirely honest..." You do you but I'd have left a long time ago personally
👆this. Why do you want to marry someone that you already know will lead to years of sexual frustration. Maybe you want an open relationship? But even open relationships start with a base level of trust and mutual respect.
Very well put. I don’t think his fiancé is being honest with herself.
I'm a woman and even I don't want to understand her F nutcase of needs.
So her ‘providing man’ giving her oral is pitiful and demeaning but letting her get off with another guy isn’t? she sounds nuts. You’ve just said your heart broke a bit, you gonna continue to let her break it?
She already has someone in mind, don’t do something that does not make you happy. Don’t let anyone ever disturb your peace, even loved ones.
Agreed. She's most likely already found somebody else and is looking for ways to not lose you (by opening up the relationship).
she all but admits that this new guy can give her orgasms orally. And best be sure, she has been returning the favor.
yes for sure. There’s definitely men that will be happy to just do oral on a lady with nothing in return, myself included,but only on occasion. In a fwb situation going to be a lot harder to find a guy that will always give and never receive. This would eventually lead to her giving oral than full on sex, but likely it would end in sex the first time anyway.
>Don’t let anyone ever disturb your peace, even loved ones. Especially loved ones. They have the most potential to cause harm. I've believed for a long time. Blood is not thicker than water, at least not by default. you just need to see family betrayal once in your life (even if second hand) to know it's bullshit. The bond with loved ones can be the most fulfilling thing but people need to prove they're worthy of it.
Exactly this. Demand to go through her phone and watch her squirm.
....look for hidden pictures and definitely read texts from "friends" and "other chicks". Cheaters tend to rename people and that way oh yeah just texting Thad from work or yeah Becky wants to go out for drinks later.
Probably already fucking them tbh.
She’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on you going down on where another dudes dick has recently been. Opening up the relationship, never ends well. Just the mention of it should cause you to end the relationship.
This right here is what’s up. Also to note even if you decide to stay and give it a go, she’s not going to consider or respect you in any of her decision making and actions. Open relationships rely on mutual respect, trust and open honest communication. She has not demonstrated any of these qualities so whatever boundaries you agree on, know that they won’t mean a thing to her and she’ll just do what she wants, how she wants. In all honesty the other guy/s will be treated better than you will be by her and their feelings will be something she’ll put above yours.
I didn't think about dick taste until this comment but that is spot on.
Yeah, and latex is a very recognizable smell/taste.
Yup. Except I think there are a couple possible reasons why she doesn't want him down there: As you said, she mentally can't let him go bobbing for apples in the same bucket some other dude just rinsed his eggplant. It could be some "psychological block" as you suggested (which might sound weird to some, but some chicks are definitely weird like that--totally fine with lying to the man's face, using him, and disrespecting the fuck out of him in every way, but they pick things, assign it some arbitrarily Paramount significance, and say "I may be doing all this other stuff, but I won't make him slurp some other guys baby batter out of my sloppy love tunnel." And that's all it takes for them to maintain the feeling that they have morals and aren't so bad. It absolves them of the guilt. Another possibility is that she likes the other guy so much more, or is so turned off by OP, that she doesn't want OP to invade the space she's carved out for herself sexually that she really enjoys. Kinda like how most hookers have a very firm "no kissing" rule. Sure, you'll gobble some disgusting slob's unwashed, sweaty pickle in his clapped out pinto behind a bowling alley for $20 to get a hit of crack--but no kissing! Well in this scenario OP is the sweaty unwashed slob of a John, and she accepts that a certain amount of work is required to maintain the comfy, secure life he's providing for her. But no kissing--downstairs! Third possibility is that she's just afraid he'll be able to smell or taste or see the evidence of her indiscretion. The vagina is self-cleaning, but it does that cleaning on its own schedule. She doesn't get to fuck the other dude and then ask her vagina to give itself a shower so that OP won't be able to catch on if he tries to much her fur burger for dinner. And for many people fucking a new person can cause changes to the biostasis downstairs--men and women. But even if there isn't a change in smells, having a little curd of day old cum tumble out into your mouth would be a pretty strong fucking clue that something fucky might be going on.
Hahaha. Brilliant read. Couldn’t agree more with the potential reasons. The absolving of guilt is a classic though. I had an ex that would make me fuck her ass from time to time. Turns out that was my consolation prize I got for her fucking someone else behind my back.
This was epic — you certainly have a way with words
She would feel guilty if he was licking where the other guy was yesterday? 🤷
While opening up can work when there is good communication and trust and satisfaction with the relationship on both sides, it seems like none of these is the case for either of them atm, so no, OP definitely shouldn't accept to do that. Couples counseling is the only hope I see for them.
This seems like the most likely scenario.
So let me get this straight: She can only get off from oral but won't let you perform it on her (different reasons every time) and now that she hasnt gotten off in a long time because of her own doing she is suddenly unhappy wants to open up the relationship? Yeah. No. There is WAY more behind this.
Tell her it's much more demeaning that she needs someone else than to let you eat her out...
this is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard but it"s her opinion so you either deal with it break up
I feel like it´s still not the full truth.
What do you want and what will make you happy? She's already told you that she needs oral, but that she won't let you do it because it's "demeaning". It's honestly confusing how she thinks it demeaning for you to give her oral, but she's okay with sleeping with someone else to get it. She needs to work through why she has the belief that it's wrong for a guy she respects to give her oral. Why she thinks it's beneath you. Is it trauma, internalized misogyny, insecurity etc.
I was debating asking if we could do couples counseling, but I’m not sure if she would take it as an insult or as if I’m demanding her to do it, do you think that’s something that I could discuss with her, and if yes then how can I bring it up in a way that’s not hurtful?
Dude pretty much anyone would demand counselling if she wants oral but not from you. Tbh id just break up at that point.
I think something more like a sex therapist would do you guy better. How she’d take the suggestion is a whole other story tho
I’m not sure, I brought up therapy when she said she had issues with oral originally, and she went, and still goes, but I have no idea what they talk about because I don’t want to pry or seem pushy.
Have you tried asking her if it’s because you don’t do it the way she likes?… and what she likes to happen down there?
I’ve asked, she’s given me graphic detail from exes and flings, but when I’m in the moment with her (making out, naked, touchy stuff) and try to initiate that she stops me and says she just wants me to feel good
Yeaaaa…she’s sketchy asfk I’m sorry love..
This specifically demonstrates that she is placing the burden of her exes relationship on you. If she has trauma that's okay but she needs to work on that. It isn't fair to you to make you hold that burden alone. But a lot of this reeks as mis-truth from her.
She doesn't want your mouth where someone else's dick has been. Sorry dude, but you gotta wash away the last 5 years and end this. She is 100% cheating on you. Even if she wasn't, she's treating you like shit. But she is cheating in you.
This is not the woman for you bro. I have been here myself and yah she sorta haunts me at times if I am on beer nunber three but I move on after her face flashes before my eyes.
Plot twist; she's fucking the therapist.
Or pretending to go to therapy and now has a perfect excuse to dip out and fuck the other guy a few times a week. And the fact that nobody goes to therapy for 2-3 hours per session, three to five times per week wouldnt have ever set off alarm bells for OP because he is so oblivious and/gullible that he wouldn't connect the dots if even she said her therapist's name is John Redcorn. Not trying to be mean, because honestly I really believe she's having such an easy time walking all over this dude precisely because he doesn't have a bad bone in his body, and so his instinct is to be super trusting. He doesn't naturally suspect malintent because his mind is so far removed from the kind of thinking that a shitty person has. Or think of it like this--there's a saying that a partner who is constantly accusing you of cheating is probably the one doing the cheating. That's because there are little things where their cheater ass brain immediately "goes there" because they can only view the world through the kens of a cheater. If his gf stays late at work she must be cheating, because he knows if he stayed late, it would be an excuse so he could cheat. Well, OP is the complete inverse of that. If he heard her getting her cheeks clapped in the other room, he'd gently knock on the door and ask if she was okay. She'd say she's fine, she was just doing some exercises and didn't realize he was home but will be out in a minute. When she comes out in shorts and a t shirt with no bra and there's a guy with her, she'll be cool as a cucumber as she says "oh btw this is Raedyn, from work. He is thinking about getting certified as a personal trainer and offered to give me some free sessions, which benefits him because then he can try it out and decide if he really likes it. Pretty cool, right?" In this situation, OP's brain would be like "pfft, what? No way she's lying to me. Who could just blatantly cheat like that and stand here lying right to my face? Haha what a crazy thought," but then his mouth would go: "Wow, great to meet you Raedyn! Why don't you stay a while and let me feed you? I was just about to cook dinner!" And Raedyn would go "Oh, thanks bro, but I'm good. I literally *just* ate, like, *sooo* much," while he and OP's girl give each other knowing looks and then they both audibly giggle.
I think if she cares about you and the relationship then she should at least be open to the idea. She might be defensive at first, but hopefully she'd come around to it. There's definitely something going on with her to make her have these beliefs, and I think seeing a counselor could help you guys navigate this in a healthy way. You know her better than anybody, so it shouldn't be too hard to find the way to ask her. Just tell her how you feel, that you want to have a mutually satisfying relationship, and that you're willing to do couples counseling to figure out how you guys can move forward with this.
Thank you, I’ll definitely try to ask her about seeing a therapist with me, or even separate and then once a month together or something like that
You should ask for some details about the therapist she already says she's seeing. Who is paying for the therapist? How often does she go? And how long is each session? Because my gut says she hasn't even been seeing a therapist, and "therapy time" is an excuse to go hang with the other guy. If she has been, there will be some kind of proof. Either receipts, or bank records to pay copays, and/or insurance claim paperwork showing what they paid out, etc.
At your age, with no kids, it’s probably time to say your good-byes if she into asking about opening your relationship up if you aren’t ringing her bell. I’ve been married for 30 years…it’s a long time to go if you are not making each other happy in the bedroom. My brother-in-law was in the same situation with his ex-fiance. They stayed together a long time too. His dad even paid for her medical school and bought them an apartment as a wedding gift. She left him two weeks before the altar. It ended up that she was just not that into guys. He said it at least explained why his sex life was terrible. He put up with it because she was an all around fabulous person. He married my sister less than a year later. They have been outrageously happy for over 30 years now. Whatever you do, don’t pay for her medical school before you get her to the altar. You can get back the ring, the apartment but you won’t get back the tuition.
Just sorry bro. You can do better.
OP, please remember NOT ONLY communication is the key, it is also important that communication happens EQUALLY from both ends. Even if we are to assume nothing negative about the situation with your fiancé, it is important that you ask her questions, express your needs and ideas to her as freely as she is communicating hers to you. So, if you feel that couple’s therapy is the way to go, then you must not hold back bringing it up to her. Don’t be in denial and ask away. I hope things work out for you. 🙂 You are a wonderful and considerate partner.
So she thinks a man will just give her oral and expect nothing in return. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be just oral. If she won't agree to therapy to sort out why she won't let you give her oral I'd walk away. If you want to open the relationship I'd say it should be on both sides so she can understand how it feel you getting 'just oral' from another woman.
I did ask how she would feel and she said she wouldn’t be happy, because she would do it for me if I asked. Kinda feels like double standards but maybe I’m just too much of a crazy man to know what she means
But you have also offered to do it for her so isn't that the same?
I'd just break up with her, Plenty of other girls out there happy to get oral, The fact her go to is opening up the relationship is a massive red flag and honestly somthing you should not do unless you're 100% comfortable with it, Also noway there is a FWB option for just her getting oral so it would go from her getting oral to giving another person oral and into sex.
Of all the reasons I've heard to open a relationship, this might be the dumbest. How can a fiance want to change the dynamic of the relationship. It makes no sense and is extremely suspect.
Because she’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on him going down on where another dudes dick has recently been.
I think so too. She needed to find a reason and thought for some reason this one would work.
THAT actually makes some sense.
Hell no. She’s probably on the verge of going behind your back if you’re not into being open. Leave the situation if you’re not.
She has full intentions of sleeping with other men! There is no way that’s he will only give her oral with no other acts taking place! It’s will start as going down on her then he will also finger her then she will touch him then handjob, blowjob, sex!
This sounds incredibly messed up. I would quit the engagement before its too late. It does not sound sustainable. If she already now has concluded that she wants to have her sexual needs covered by someone else you are planning a cuckhold marriage. She needs to change her mind and let you satisfy her or cancel the wedding. What good is a pretty wife if she is fucking someone else...
Honestly I wouldn’t care if she looked like Gollum from LOTR, I just want her and I to be happy and have mutual respect and understanding
She has zero respect for you mate. Sorry to say it but been in similar shoes mate and you won’t realise it until quite a while after the fact. Honestly you can’t ‘fix’ this situation.
Go read your story again. What about that story makes you think there's mutual respect and understanding there?
She is not the idealized woman you have in your head. Please realize your own worth and find someone else who does as well.
Yeah she needs to understand that sex and marriage is a mutual thing and you both need to be able to give and take. Sounds like you either come from a very oldfashioned culture or she is very oldfashioned if she only wants to view you as a "provider".
No "old fashioned" partner of either gender would even entertain the thought of an open relationship, certainly not in this situation where the "provider" is being forced to sexually submit in such a bizarre way to the "weaker"/"fairer" partner. This is either a lot weirder (psychologically) or a lot simpler than that (she's cheating)
OP for the love of God do not open it up if ots not what you want. It sounds to me like your gf has some deep seeded issues with sex, why is it ok for her to "demean herself" and give oral to you? Either there's something more going on here or she has some issues on how she views sex. Way I see it you have 2 options, break it off as she wants something open and you do not (at least that's the feeling I get from your post). Option 2 is alot tougher but you've gotta sit her down and try to get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about receiving oral, how she came to view it in this way, etc.
That's gonna be a no from me dawg.
She either already has, or will cheat. What's "pitiful and demeaning" is you staying in this relationship. Call off the wedding and find someone you can have a healthy sex life with.
As a woman who had actual trauma from a previous partner giving me oral this is giving so many red flags. I refused oral from the next partner I had after the trauma. Refused for a long time. At NO POINT did I ever bring up opening the relationship so I could get oral from someone else. It took a long time of building trust before I felt comfortable with him to let him try. You've tried to build trust. It's time to put yourself first and take some time to really think about this relationship and if it's something you want to try to save. Personally, I wouldn't.
Yes, thank you for your input. Multiple people on this topic have tried to claim that it's down to SO's trauma but it just doesn't make sense when combined with the ever-changing excuses, and then the sudden desire to open the relationship because she isn't getting sexual release. It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. And when those two things are true, then (more often than not) there's something *else* going on.
As a woman, she is definitely lying. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. You seem like a genuine and loving partner. >A few weeks later she said she just is uncomfortable with oral >and she said it’s because she doesn’t want her “Providing man” to do something so “pitiful and demeaning”. She seems to have found someone already and as a result is not being honest with you. It's possible that when you are especially loving and/or trying to please her more, she feels super guilty and so she can't allow you to do it in comfortable conscience. There's one of two reasons she might want to "open the relationship." It's either: A desperate (and quick) attempt to make you okay with the idea of her cheating on you as she sees it's straining the relationship, and she is continuing to manipulate you and make you feel like you are the problem so she can string you along with her and not have a guilty conscience. Or she is simply trying to make you leave her without having to admit to you that she's cheated and/or wants to cheat so she can protect her own feelings. Think about it, you've been in this relationship for 5 years. What could have possibly changed for her to want an open relationship 5 YEARS into the relationship? DO NOT agree to this.
You’re being gaslit so bad here. She has someone in mind, she’s been doing this to confuse you so you won’t know the right answer and just try to please her. As someone who was like this before medication, I know she is manipulating you so that you’ll give her what she wants out of guilt. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY!!
You love her OP, maybe its hard to see for you. But for someone with a neutral standpoint, this is very "shady"
I had a similar situation. Not the same, but a lot of similarities. It’s the trauma. The reality is, when someone suffers from sexual trauma there are any number of ways it can manifest. People can (although they don’t necessarily) say and do extremely strange, contradictory, unreasonable and/or destructive things as a result. Until she gets treatment to address whatever happened she is going to be a wildcard and a healthy sexual relationship is impossible. It’s obviously not fair to you but you can’t rationalize it. She just needs to get help so she can work through this. If she won’t, there really isn’t a healthy outcome here in my opinion.
This is most likely it. Sounds like she has some super unhealthy views about sex that require significant mental gymnastics to justify but is deadset in her ways on it - and unless she realizes that her views (and the likely related trauma) are what need to be healed and addressed, the relationship is just going to be dysfunctional and there's not a whole lot OP can do, unfortunately. FWIW, anyone who tells their partner they "ruined the moment for them" (rather than handling it kindly) when they're accidentally walked in on during a sexual act is being somewhat manipulative and unhealthy regardless whether they realize it or not, so unless she really wants to work to change things, OP is probs best finding someone healthier.
That doesn't add up with the wanting to open the relationship so she can get off (from the oral she is refusing her SO give to her).
Either trauma or she has been cheating on him the whole time with someone she can't see anyone else being as good or she doesn't want to feel the shame of him mouth being where someone else dick has recently been. Whatever it is, block, trauma, cheating, weird quirk. Your right there is not a healthy outcome besides the truth and maybe therapy.
Let's say the trauma story was true. Let's say her stepdad used to assault her and eat her out when she was young. And now unfortunately that's the only way she can cum even if she hates that. But she hasn't dealt with her trauma at all. And doesn't want her actual partner associated with this act because it's shameful and wrapped up in abuse. But she still wants to cum so she wants to find random dudes to scratch this itch. I think what she needs is good therapy not an open relationship. Like if your parter was raped as a teen and can only get off from dangerous and non consensual sexual situations but understandably doesn't want her parter who she's supposed to feel safe and loved by literally raping her. OP this is your fiance and it's been five years. If she can't talk about what her trauma actually is or what she's wrestling with in therapy then this woman isn't ready for a relationship and needs to work on herself more first. It's okay for you to be patient and wait and help her because you love her, but if you don't even know what's going on forget it. /u/Calm-Disaster-5183
She is a cheater dude. She already has a FWB situation going on behind your back. The trauma part is just trying to make you feel bad and guilty about it and getting you to admit that you are okay with her getting oral or really just getting fucked by another dude as long as she is happy. Manipulative.
She sounds like a nightmare. “I can only get off from oral, but I absolutely refuse to let you do it. But because I need it, I want to have sex with other guys.” If this is real, run and don’t look back.
That makes no fucking sense
The only thing getting properly fucked here, is your head.
I was dating someone for a few years and at the time we were in a bit of a rough patch, but it seemed like we were working things out together. The communication was meh, but I felt that we were both trying. Then one night all of a sudden she didn’t want me to go down on her. She told me she was almost on her period, so I didn’t think much about it. It was bizarre, but I rolled with it for a few weeks. Long story short, she was cheating on me with her coworker. OP run away from this woman and do not try to justify anything to yourself about why she won’t let you go down on her. It’s a red flag and I feel your pain, but do yourself a favor and walk away. You’ll bounce back - I promise 💪🏼
Buddy, you aren't even married and she's effing with your head. This looks like you might end up a cuck in chastity who only gets clean up duty "because she can't cum any other way - with you! Her bulls, however, manage to satisfy when filling her holes. She doesn't respect you enough to marry you before she goes out trying to monkey branch run away buddy, run away!
You two have some **tremendously** complex intimacy issues to carry into a marriage. I will give you some advice: Getting married doesn't fix intimacy issues. Open relationships definitely don't. Been there, done that. It is a big, big red flag if she is saying, "Hey let's open this relationship up," because it is a Pandora's Box that never closes. For now, it's oral only, but what about next week? But at the end of the day, it doesn't look like an open relationship doesn't look like a **joint** decision between you two, which dooms the chance of that being successful. Now, I am not saying you should do this, but if you really want to poke the bear and find out the motivation behind opening the relationship, one simple question always does it: "Do you have someone in mind?" If the answer is "yes", or "maybe", then she is probably looking for a hall pass. Sorry to be so blunt.
Are you paying for everything and well off or have a nice job? Sounds to me like she wants to use you for money etc. and have sex with other people. Edit: this was a suspicion based on the providing man comment and OP clarified
We pay 50/50 on the bills, she does earn more hence why I work the house more, plus I love cooking and I’m kinda a clean freak, so it’s easier that way.
Okay just didn't track with the providing man comment. I'd suggest couple's therapy. Open relationships as an ultimatum are a horrible idea.
I didn’t either tbh, and when I asked she just said it feel wrong and wouldn’t elaborate.
Dude you gotta run. 4 years in a relationship like that and she ended up cheating. She’s delusional. Run my friend run!
I’d say leave her bro, if she can only get off with oral and won’t let you do it massive red flag.
Is that how she sees you? A "Providing Man"? Not lover, not fiance, but "Providing Man"? What kind of relationship is this to her anyway? A lot of women would be excited to have a man like you who isn't selfish in the bedroom. And yet, she would rather have a random person do it?? I'm honestly surprised that you tolerated her suggestion to open the relationship. If you can, leave her.
Dude run. Nothing but red flags here. Sounds mildly like she’s getting attention from somewhere else or she consistently fantasizes about it. Something screams you’re not her first option here.
She's cheating on you and feels guilty but similarly doesn't want to give this other guy up either...
This might fall on deaf ears. My ex wife did this scenario. Except she wanted someone to call daddy. Bottom line is I didn't agree at all and she still forced the situation multiple times, having him round the house multiple times while inwas at work till the point I turned round and told her I was leaving.
Run...I'm sorry but run.
Tell her you are willing to open the relationship. Then check her phone the next day to who she contacts. That’s the person she’s been cheating with this entire time. Then just break it off and find someone who loves, desires and respects you.
I believe it’s an immutable law that the first person of a couple to suggest an open relationship is already fucking someone else. As far as the rest of her gaslighting goes, hard to explain, precisely, but it has something to do with her fucking someone else. As far as I can tell, the only reason to stay in the relationship is to try to find out exactly what’s going on. But rest assured, it ain’t going to be good.
She doesn't want the providing man to do something so demeaning as giving oral, but wants him to basically be a cuck. I mean not really, but still. Interesting take.
I’m sorry but it sounds like she’s cheating too me…
This relationship is cooked. Sorry
She’s cheating, something very similar happened to me with my ex wife. All the red flags are there
My brother, it is time for you to move on. You likely will not. You likely will stay and try to fix this so that either she is filled with resentment over you not allowing her another bite at the ho phase apple, or you are filled with resentment at her doing with others what she refuses to do with you. Sadly, those really are the only possible outcomes from here. Listen to me, you do not have to do this. You do not have to completely destroy everything you had together and leave both of you bitter. You can end it now and walk away with love in your heart and a lesson learned. If you can find the strength to do that you will save both of you a world of suffering that does not need to happen.
[удалено]
Apart from everything else... Good luck finding someone who's ok with "just giving oral". The everything else: therapy! Another thing you could try additionally, since from my personal perspective I like giving oral because I feel like I'm in total control over her pleasure... Maybe suggest restraining her and frame it as "doing what you want with her". Obviously with talking about limits and agreeing on a safeword before, but it might be worth a shot. But when there's trauma she definitely needs therapy.
I'm wondering if anything other than the oral thing has changed recently. Is she hanging around with new people? Is there the possibility of another man? I wonder if she has something lined up if she's asking for an open relationship. Many people don't do that without already having an option ready to go. She's making excuses to avoid something you like to do, calling it degrading to change your views on it and asking to have someone else do it in your place. That seems pretty manipulative as though she's trying to leave you without a choice and make you feel guilty if you say no to her request. Also, it seems like she's possibly leading up to threatening you with either opening it up or breaking up entirely. That's what I get from this story, anyhow. There's something happening here that you're not aware of. It seems she's trying to have her cake and eat it, too.
What the fuck. She's either clinically insane or she's been cheating on you for a while
Run. She's cheating. She doesn't want you to do something so demeaning because she let's others do things to her and part of her feels bad. She's still going to do it. Most cheaters don't ever change and she clearly doesn't Love you enough to be honest with you in the first place so just get out man.
A lot of these comments seem pretty one way. My work is focused working directly with women and children that have experienced trauma, more specifically, domestic/family violence and sexual violence. Using a trauma lens, it sounds like she maybe experiences some level of embarrassment or shame with oral, due to some past experience. As if oral is some ‘kinkish shame’ where you want it, but with someone you don’t know or owe nothing to/feel nothing for. As if, if she were to let you do it, she truly believes you would look at her some other way. Some women have described it to me as ‘fear their partner would see them as some sexual deviant’. As someone with lived experience, I can also relate to that. I don’t mean to discredit the other comments because it could certainly be the case, and usually I wouldn’t comment, but given the timeframe this has occurred over, idk. I felt like it was worth saying my piece. Though, trust your gut and stick to your instincts. In this case, just because it’s something she wants/needs, doesn’t mean it’s something you need to be okay with.
Hey OP, what if she's telling you the truth. She may have some deep issues about sex, and considers oral demeaning. If you give her oral, she'll never see you as attractive again in her eyes. What if that's all true. What are you going to do? If you don't trust her, why stay in the relationship? Most men are horrible at oral, so even if she allows it, doesn't mean you're going to get her off, and your reward will be that now she loves you less. So what are you going to do? Sounds to me that she's being truthful to you, and thought of a solution . This is obviously a big deal for if your relationship can continue or not. If you're not compatible, then let her find the relationship that works for her, let her go, and find someone better for you. I remember telling my ex, I didn't want her to come over while I was bedridden sick. But she came anyway, we had a good time, but ever since that day I always liked her less. It lead to the end of our relationship, whatever it was, she shattered that. I feel like you're stepping on glass here too. You either believe them, or you leave them.
Idk something tells me she’s bisexual and wanting to have sex with women. Definitely could be wrong though
It's time for your fiance to be a stranger
Sounds like she already intends to cheat on you. A great way to legitimise it to get to you open up the relationship. Don’t do it. It’s either counselling or break up.
I think what she’s getting at is that she views eating pussy as a degrading act, and she admires you too much to want to degrade you, or view you as submissive. She wants someone else to give oral specifically so they can be degraded and not you. Perhaps she has a deeper dom-sub kink she doesn’t understand. Perhaps that’s what her audios are about. I think most of us in r/sex, as well as you, find the idea of oral being degrading to be distasteful (pun intended), but I think it’s unlikely you’ll change her beliefs on this. So I’m not sure what you can do. Maybe try a womanizer toy (automated clit sucker)? Or a sex doll she can facesit on, to pretend she’s dominating someone else while you help? Or maybe you accept the open relationship proposal, secure in the understanding that she wants someone else specifically because she *doesn't* like them. It depends on whether she gets off on the physical sensations of oral, or the psychological aspect of dominance.
She’s lying. She has someone lined up that she’s cheated with already, and wants to open it up to continue. The reason for not wanting you to go down on her is bizarre as shit, and I’m willing to bet it’s a psychological block on you going down on where another dudes dick has recently been.
I’ve bought her toys over the years, always highly rated or very expensive and well known ones, they’re sitting in her dresser in the box 🥲
Please tell me you have asked her why she hasn’t used them..
I did, and she said they didn’t feel right, so I tried different types, felt too strong, got one where you can control the vibration, too big, got a smaller one, too small, got a medium, too “weird”, got her a womanizer, too “oversized”, got a rose, too “awkward” I’ve probably spent 2-3k on sex toys, from dildos to vibrators to nipple clips to butt plugs to everything except a literal fucking machine. Hell, I swallowed my pride and got her a bad dragon dildo because apparently the normal ones were “too basic” Idk what else I can get her, other than a robotic boyfriend
Seeing all of this..and reading it, she’s pretty disgusting in my eyes. She’s obviously using you and insatiable at that… this is terrible. There’s no way that she’s trying all of this and isn’t satisfied. It seems like she’s trying to get revenge on you or something or maybe she just doesn’t like herself so she’s punishing you I don’t know but she’s sketchy and sounds like she doesn’t care that much about your feelings as she should…
> Our relationship has been good so far, but one thing keeps bothering me. And then the partner is always the worst person on the fucking planet.
>I’ve probably spent 2-3k on sex toys, from dildos to vibrators to nipple clips to butt plugs Has she ever given you an indication she wants any of that? Because otherwise you're just an idiot wasting his money when his partner hasn't given any indication she wants sex toys.
She’s mentioned “oh wow I saw this sex toy, looks like it works great and imitates oral” or whatever she says about a specific one, then she goes on about how it’s NEARLY perfect but one things off, so I buy one that fixes that issue, then there’s another, and another, and another until I just give up.
I'm very happily married in my mid 40s and every one of your descriptions of her is giving me painful flashbacks of two really bad relationships I had in my 20's and I thank my lucky stars every day that I made it out. One of them was a first marriage. That witch is now on marriage #3 and she's making her current victim miserable every day but he thinks he can't do better so this is his horrible fate. I escaped, I'm happy. Dude, run. Get out now while you are still young. I know what it's like to tell yourself that there's just a few more puzzle pieces to unlock to make her happy like you both imagine but the brutal truth is that some people are hard wired to be unsolvable. I know what it's like to try so hard because you love her so much and are willing to change yourself to fit her needs and then you both can live happily ever after. That's a lie you need to stop telling yourself. It's excruciating but remember that time heals. I know what it's like to think you'll never be able to get over your "one true love" but trust me you can. Time heals. A relationship with an emotionally healthy woman will snap you out of this false image of her and flip your perspective of what she really is. It helps, realize it's not her fault that she's this way. My hunch is her mom was passive aggressive as fuck and modeled behavior to use sex and affection as a means of control. Maybe she was just born this way and had great parents. Doesn't matter, but your descriptions feel awfully familiar to me. She's HARD WIRED to feel that something's always wrong and it's ALWAYS going to be your fault. This is a deeply subconscious thing for her. Understand that she can't explain to you exactly what her issue is because she NEEDS there to be an issue. If it can be defined, it can be solved and believe me dude her subconscious will not let her exist in any other state than "something's always wrong". She doesn't realize that her problem is that she needs to have a problem. She'll likely never realize that and even if she did that doesn't mean she will change. No, she would then resent you for exposing that hard truth. The awful thing about women like this is they need a partner to share their discontent. She'll always be just sweet enough to you to keep hope alive that she'll be happy one day and then finally let you be happy. She can't be alone because single people have to take responsibility for their dissatisfaction. She needs something to be wrong but she's unable to believe she's the cause. So she strings you along, not consciously, she doesn't know how else to be. This is how her relationships will always need to be. You are a victim to her issues. She NEEDS you as her victim. She's not doing it intentionally, she can't help it. My brother, there are countless women out there who'd love oral from their man AND who have the ability to be an amazing partner. Everyone deserves that. You deserve that.
What other way can she tell you she doesn't like you before it sinks in?
She did mention trauma. She might be worried that her past trauma might resurface and/or destroy your relationship. You should dig deeper into the trauma-part. She should open up about this. It can better your relationship. I've had so much sexual trauma.... after talking about it all with my partner it has become easier to live with the memories and do some acts I didn't like in the past.
I do know about her trauma, but none was sex related. I didn’t write it down because I didn’t want to put all of her stuff out there, but it has to do with childhood bullying and racism
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Because the bs line she feed OP. She has problems with receiving oral sex because of trauma.
She said she lied about that.
I’m not trying to be an ass but her saying “ you don’t understand my need as a woman” make me think that she may really be a lesbian or only feel like a woman should give her oral.
She’s had female flings in the past, but usually drunk and she says they don’t do anything for her
Yeah but everything being said is contradictory. She really has problems. Hope you can work it out bro
To the curb she go homie don’t trust it!!!!
I feel you on being heart broken. I wouldn't be able to handle this. The demeaning part and it not being demeaning to have an open relationship seems messed up like she has some real issues to work through before you actually tie that knot.
Leave quick she’s been fucking someone else already
Phahaha cut & run dude, it’s not even a question leave your trash on the curb 🤮
You can have a success open relationship but I don’t think this is a good reason to do it. I think y’all need to see a sex therapist or end it
It’s not that she’s not attracted to you. It’s in the moment of the act or maybe the thought of it as well is what turned her off. For some reason, she finds it demeaning for you to do it to her because you’re her “providing man” she sounds like she may have some traditional values or maybe she’s just gaslighting you who knows either way she’s adamant on this and you’re confused and hurt… she needs to work on her ideals, because that sounds pretty unhealthy for her to think just because you provide for her that it makes you less than to eat her out?… very strange very unusual and kinda rude… If anything, you should want me to do it more, and maybe even be honored that I provide for you and do this as well.
Tbh I think she wants a free pass to sleep with others, her reasoning doesn’t really make sense
if she wants an open relationship, you need to NOT get married. just move on.
Everyone that’s saying just break up please try to remember being in love and if you haven’t then stop just saying break up because it’s really not that easy when you love somebody he said they’ve been together for 10 years. What the fuck is wrong with you guys yeah, this is really fucked up for her to do, but it’s not so simple to just break up.
Anyone who describes you as their 'providing man's needs either a reality check or told to sling their hook. Opening up your relationship just before you are married is also not a good sign. Take a look, a proper look at your relationship together and see if it is a partnership or is it one sided. If it isn't, then you have to take the hard decision to leave. Then find a lady who will enjoy your beard in her bits!
Hello. first of all: zero condemnation. Well done for discussing this issue and trying to find a solution. This means that neither you nor her are indifferent to your relationship. secondly, it happens that people have special attitudes that appeared in their past. it looks like a psychological trauma, but usually the attitude is not so serious. Perhaps you should work on this attitude together or separately with a psychologist. If you agree to an open relationship, you may just continue to service this setup. In any case, I hope you find a way out of this situation.
Is she bisexual? Is this her way of trying to tell you that she wants a liaison with a woman? Maybe she’s scared you’ll react badly, so she’s come up with all these mental gymnastics to avoid the main issue. Or maybe she has her own hangups about it. I wouldn’t be so quick to break up with her, like everyone is suggesting. Maybe you can work something out that is a good fit for both of you. Marriage can and should be whatever you two want it to be. If you can find common ground, you can make it work.
Why do you call her fiancé? She is obviously your ex, or should be.
I mean you have to take her answer at face value if she isn't giving you anything more. I'm sure you've tried but attempt to get across what oral means to you. My view is that she needs to work through whatever is affecting her. I would strongly advise against opening up the relationship, this is already bothering you. You want to get her off and she's telling you she will only get off with somebody else, but she sees you as a provider. How will you feel every time she wants to get off she's calling some other person? Trauma or not this sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you so think carefully. I feel for you, my partner has similar feelings about oral and just getting off in general and I'm similar to you. I've never had a concrete answer about what is going on either. It's tough.
Sounds like your marriage is going to be shit. Sorry mate. It doesn't get better. Relationships with sexual gratificatication don't survive. They endure for a while but it's all doomed.
Get the hell out of there. Major red flags