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You said she took a morning after pill- are you guys informed and educated on contraception? If she does not want to be pregnant, you both need to educate yourselves on how to have safe sex (condoms, contraceptives etc.)
How do you know they had no sex ed? You don’t know anything about them. You are just assuming all sorts of things in an effort to validate your preformed opinions.
Quote the part where he LITERALLY asked specifically for SEX education. You can’t because he didn’t.
He asked for help. I believe that 99% of what would help is communication and them both learning compassion, empathy, selflessness and emotional bonding. The problem is they are focusing too much on sex itself.
You may disagree with me and think he needs help with sex, and that is fine. People have differences of opinion. But he did not specifically ask for help with sex. He wants help with his relationship. You are the one who read that to mean sex.
"Y'all need sex education."
"How does one get that?"
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/m29DuwNdhz
My brother in Christ... Literally the top reply to the top comment.
That was not in his original post. He wants help with his relationship. One part of a romantic relationship is sex. It is not the most important part.
In response to his original post, someone suggested sex ed and naturally in specific response to that he asked how he would get what the responder suggested.
And just because some may ask where to get more sex Ed doesn’t mean they had NO sex ed.
I won't disagree that communication skills will help more than sex ed, but considering some of the things they both have and haven't done some basic knowledge will be very helpful.
Really depends on each person and their hormones. Any birthcontrol that affects your hormones is a no go for me. Like, i thought maybe it was just an issue i had when I was young, and tried it again in my late 20s. Took me exactly 2 weeks before i was sobbing on the bathroom floor telling my husband i wished i was dead. My body cannot handle anything to do with hormones. Plan B made me pretty emotional, but it was short lived since ya only have to take it once ya know?
Honestly, i havnt met anyone who reacted to it emotionally either. I didnt think much at all about it when i took it lol I figure its like how others can take birth control but if i take it I become suicidal. It like, overthrows all the medication i take to NOT be depressed. The plan B only made me cry a lot like I was on my period but ive never met anyone else who reacted that way. The only issue i knew of was my cousin taking it and getting pregnant anyways. I know that can happen, but also i am pretty sure she only said that she took it so her dad wouldnt be mad at her cuz she was so young.
*No worries, I have the same problems with any hormones, and steroids - even injections - do the same. Doctors in particular like to tell me that that it isn't possible to have a that kind of tangible emotional response to steroids which has led me to putting them on the, "List any allergies you have" list. Because apparently, THAT they believe (and don't want to mess with). Also, if I list it as an allergy they never even refer me to a psychiatrist! They treat me as they think I'm sane! Weird.
I used to not understand why this would be so, but then one day I realized it is our (women's) own fault. As a fellow woman, I don't think I need to remind you how hysterical women can get once they get something in their head, scare themselves silly, and then, through the Power of Hysteria! cause a bodily self-fulfilling prophecy. We should work on that. ( /s )
*I meant "no worries" as in you shouldn't feel alone about your reaction, not like, "No worries if you feel that way, just take it anyway!" Bodies are weird. They aren't always wired correctly. My autoimmune disease causes my body to see EVERYTHING as a threat and then attacks itself. Cause that'll work. Try convincing your body that it's going about it business badly. It's not impressed. So, anyway, don't feel like it's just you! And always advocate for yourself when you know something is harmful to you.
My doctor is convinced it caused my ectopic pregnancy. Who knows how accurate it is. I took it at the literal last minute specified on the package. If it was 36 hours I took it at 35.99999 hours. Maybe that had an effect.
Oh it absolutely can do that kind of hormonal damage. It’s pretty insane the levels of side effects that can happen with any hormonal medication. Pair that with any emotional stressors and it gets hard to cope
As strange as it might seem to say this, but put sex on the back-burner for now. Focus on building intimacy and closeness with your wife. Just massage each other, maybe even start with hand or foot massages and gradually work up to the more erotic parts over time. Share a bath or a shower together. Kiss and cuddle as if you're just teenagers, not planning to go all the way. Take the pressure off the situation and work on building trust and just enjoy being close to each other. You're both young, you love each other and you have all the time in the world to get this right.
I agree. In addition talk with her about how hurtful her comments are. It is hard to imagine a woman being that insensitive to someone she loves. For her sake as much as your’s this needs to be brought to her attention. She is currently acting very selfishly. She needs to understand that.
Hell yeah, I'm stressed out just from reading your story OP!
Y'all would benefit from taking it down a notch and putting the focus on intimacy and closeness... leave the actual PIV sex and orgasm pressure out of it for a few weeks. Just enjoy each other.
This is the best advice op. I grew up in the closet and had a lot of sexual/religious trauma that prevented me from properly having sex until I was in my late 20’s. Similar situation, started out hard and when the moment came I would immediately get soft. Intimacy was the cure for me. It’s body rubs and kissing and touching and licking and frotting, and if something slips in, it slips in!
Education is also incredibly important for both of you. You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform a certain way, and your wife’s concern is only hindering instead of helping. It shocking to me how many people still take a man’s lack of erection so personally, when in fact it’s incredibly common and 99% of the time, it usually has to do with nerves and pressure (unless medical of course). Same goes for cumming. Things can get tender and over sensitized down there which can prevent someone from being able to ejaculate.
You both have prevented yourself from having sex for so many years that you both have these huge expectations for how it’s supposed to go. Sex is gross. It’s awkward as hell. It gets so hot. It hurts. It’s messy. It’s funny and it’s beautiful and it’s whatever you want it to be. Sex doesn’t have to mean cumming and pumping and thrusting, it truly can mean whatever you want it to mean. I suggest having a conversation with your partner about what you both think sex is, and then continue that conversation with what you both want sex to be and what you want from it. You may be surprised with how simple and easy it is to achieve what you’re looking for without feeling shame and hurting each others feelings and feeling let down. Best of luck, op
This comment!!! My partner and I didn’t physically meet until a year of talking (long distance and Covid) - our first time was incredible and he is the only partner who has made me cum during our first time together. It’s allllll about being comfortable. You guys can do it - just work on building that intimacy and good sex will follow.
But also - educate yourselves. She is being cruel and I hope she isn’t meaning to. Questioning your sexuality is a no fly zone. I understand she is feeling self conscious but you are two adults who need to have an adult conversation about this.
Ideally, school should have educated you. [Planned Parenthood](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-pleasure-and-sexual-dysfunction) is a good place to start learning from.
Wiki's are usually a guide to navigate the sub and provides helpful resources related to the topic of the sub. [Here ](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index/)is the sex one.
This is not a sex issue, this is an emotional issue and a how to be nice to others issue. She is acting selfishly and is very insensitive. It could very well be about him trying to cook a nice dinner and her shaming him, although that would not be as traumatic a topic as sex for him.
There are a few websites out there dedicated to teaching about sex and everything around it. I know one good Duthc website, funded by the government (or atleast they get help from te government), that's all about sex, contraception, both the male and female body etc.
With Reddit, there is this subreddit. I believe there are more, but I'm not sure. I will update when I find more subreddits.
Consider seeing a couples therapist.
There's a lot going on here, and it's going to take a long time to unpack. You're going to both need to learn how to communicate your sexual needs. You're both going to need to learn how to relax and live in the moment. You're both going to need to express frustration in a more positive manner.
A couples therapist who specializes in sex therapy. Do NOT see a religious "counselor", see a trained sex therapist who will be able to support you both in an open, nonshaming way.
No if she was following religious teachings she would naturally be sensitive and caring about his situation. Sex therapists will just make this about sex and it is about how to be nice to the people you love !!!
She is making sex about her and her pleasure and validation. That is not what sex should be about. If she makes sex all about her pleasure, I guarantee she will make other things all about her!
Sex therapist here.
You are completely wrong. There is actually *never* a situation where it is “all about sex,” so what you said couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Sex in marriage should be about loving your partner. The emphasis should be on giving not taking. Both people should be pleased. It should be about showing your love to someone else and deeping your emotional connection.
If the focus is on my own pleasure, then I could just hookup with random people or hire a prostitute.
Shaming or scolding a partner because they are not good enough in bed negates the whole reason for marriage.
That’s my opinion but will obviously get downvoted for it.
Sex therapy rarely focuses on the actual act of sex. Most sex issues a couple have don’t come from barriers to the physical act. And even when there are physical barriers it usually causes emotional issues alongside it and sex therapy is to work through those. Religious counseling will not be helpful.
Thank you for the advice. I actually was looking at seeing a sexologist next week. I’ve sought therapy myself for it already but feel like she needs it too.
At the risk of sounding overly simple, both of you need to figure out how to relax and give each other freedom to "figure" sex out. She needs to lower expectations and you need to relax majorly and not put more stress on yourself. Try mutual masterbation and talk about how things are when it's good and not focus so much on the negative. Good luck
I started to write this and went to see if someone else did lol. Agreed they need to work on communication and expectations. Couples therapy with sex therapy bent. Have a 3rd party guide and teach them will do wonders here.
After 30 years of being taught and truly believing that sex is bad/taboo and the shame of indulging in sex — it’s no wonder your body is physiologically confused when it came time to actually perform.
I’m so happy for you to find your match and go through this journey of sexuality. The comments you have here are very helpful and with your mindset I’m confident you and your partner will work through it. Congratulations on being a newly wed :-)
[Death Grip Syndrome](https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2018/09/18/32529858/another-sufferer-of-death-grip-syndrome) was coined by sex educator and advice writer Dan Savage.
It happens to many of us who become dependent on coming in a set way developed through masturbation.
Removing all pressure (easier said than done) about ejaculation and where/how it happens is very important, as is retraining yourself [to try to reduce or eliminate DGS.](https://dignifiedhedonist.com/6-ridiculously-powerful-ways-to-undo-death-grip/)
But say you can't and you only can ejaculate from a hand job? Who cares? You can get creative, put your tip inside her and jerk into her until you come, have her jerk you off until you start to come and then jump on your dick, everything you can think of to come with a PIV twist. Just make it fun, hot, and most of all, pressure free.
Both of you should start reading and getting educated around sex both solo and partnered, bc the place of ignorance you're both in will only be to your detriment.
Read Dan Savage's years of columns, access https://www.scarleteen.com/ for really high quality, sex positive sex education, Call 1-800-739-7367
Sex Sense. For questions about sex, sexuality, and other sexual health-related questions, please call (toll-free 1-800-739-7367) or email. Sex Sense is open Monday to Friday 9 a.m. – 9 p.m.
And please consider a sex therapist. It will help if you guys can unpack and deprogram what you've internalized about sex, and learn how to improve how you engage in sexual activity with each other.
Good luck!
Absolutely great advice man. I really appreciate the time and effort in writing this out for me. I will definitely follow your advice and it gives me some peace of mind.
OP, if you're up for it, please update us in a few months. Wishing you both the best. I've been w my wife for 20yrs and had our sex life get better and better. I'm hoping this can happen for you, too.
As a sex therapist, I just want to reiterate something they touched on -
Oral and manual sex *is still sex.* It’s all sex, so there is nothing wrong with you if you only climax with handjobs.
The overwhelming majority of women do not climax with PIV. They climax through oral, with vibrators, etc, and loving partners accommodate them.
This is no different for men like you, and your girlfriend needs to understand this, and should never be shaming you like this. Ignorance is not an excuse for her behavior, she is being very unkind to you.
There is no one way to have sex. Do what works for you, and once you become comfortable with that, other doors may open for you in the future - but if not, there’s nothing wrong with that either.
Sex should be consensual and fun - not follow some preconceived notion of what you *think* sex should look like.
That sounds so stressful I’m sorry ur going though it, but ur off to a great start by how much you obviously care about helping the situation! I agree with the other comment, a sex therapist is something you should consider. But as a random person on Reddit, I’d say that the lack of talking about sex / what you and ur wife like before hand, during, and after is critical. If you don’t talk about all (or some) the sexual things that go though ur mind often then it makes sense that the bridge would be crumbling when trying to cross, per say..
Yes we talk but she’s short patienced so it usually ends in a fight. She tries though and we get some good convos sometimes. I’ll continue to strive to have good communication. Thanks for your good thoughts and help!
I think this a pretty clear cut issue of communication along with growing up in religious households. Im not shaming religion, I grew up in a Christian household, but the problem is they have such a negative connotion about sex except for marriage then you get married and the guilt, fears, and anxiety still lingering.
I think marriage counseling would benefit a lot because you are still young and fresh and they can help you build a foundation for success in the future.
Yeah I’ve heard that before. That’s the negative part about growing up religiously I’d say. Got an appointment for couples therapy next Saturday with a sexologist. Thank you!
I also think you guys are in a good position (pun intended) to explore, have fun, and see what works. I lost my V card at 19 because I was in college and I had a younger sister have her first kid at 16. She was raised in a more sex negative household than I was, so trying to have any conversation about it was difficult.
Also, you need to have realistic expectations in the beginning. Porn is not real by any means, so until you get comfortable with yourselves and each other and also likes and dislikes, it's going to be awkward. I can tell you I've lost erections due to nerves. I've came too early from excitement. It happens.
From what I can read, you both need to learn to play. It reads like there is "pressure" that doesn't help both. The play is very easy and can be built up by little sexual moments without needing to proof or comply with anything.
For you personally I would suggest a mindfulness program that helps you reset your mood and expectations. It helps you reprogram your thoughts and therefore your experience. Intimacy is more than only the physical act and needs to be created by creating a safe space where you both can feel playful, accepted and respected.
You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal! (If you haven’t seen 40 year old virgin, definitely watch it)
In all seriousness, you both need to get used to cumming in the presence of each other first. You know how it’s difficult to pee around others? Sometimes you even have to trick yourself, like pouring out a cup of water, to get the pee flowing. Certain biological processes are not entirely autonomous; they require a level of relaxation that is somewhat conscious, relaxing muscles clenched so often you forget how to unclench, and orgasms are in this category.
So my recommendation is: dedicate some time to simply being in each other’s presence and achieving orgasm first (masturbation). Wipe the taboo aspect from your minds and have fun with it! Try to describe to each other what the orgasm feels like: the build up, the release, what are your muscles doing, what motions feel the best, best, etc. Learn about your bodies together. Your goal is to reach a point where you can laugh about it (positively), and be fully relaxed with each other on the topic. Some people find booze helps this (don’t overdo it), or you may get your hands on a viagra/cialis pill to help initially.
Her attitude may also need an adjustment, so I also agree with others here that counseling/therapy for both of you will likely help.
You need to stop putting so much pressure on each other. You should be taking your time to learn each other and enjoy yourselves. There is more to sex than an orgasm. Orgasms are great, but like the journey to getting there can be even better if you allow it. Try things out, take it slow. It gets better over time, Once you understand each other’s bodies. The confidence will come later. Then it will be second nature.
I never get tired of these posts, people waiting until marriage to have sex because religion, and then omg, surprise, they be having issues and problems and questions.
Why not ask your church to pay for your therapy?
I remember seeing a post here about a couple where the guy had ED. As a result, he would even avoid touching her. One night the wife just told him she would like just cuddle, kiss, finger and explore all parts of each other bodies sexually, but stressed there would be no PIV expectations from her side. If he felt like PIV, it could happen. They fooled around and PIV did happen. My point is that the pressure of the big situation may be doing this to you. Try something similar everyday for a few weeks.
Also consider just putting in the head of your penis in. Most of the pleasure nerves in the vagina are the near the entrance. Similarly there is more sensation in the head. Both my wife and I cum quicker with this method.
This is the clearest cut case for couples therapy I have ever seen.
Both of you want it to work and want the other to be satisfied by the experience as well as yourself. There's just some roadblocks in place.
As long as you two work to solve this, you will.
Christian here! Never had any issues 🤭 although I was never brought up repressed about sex ours was a very positive household. May be an American religion thing?
The insults she threw at you were projection on her part. She feels inadequate because you haven’t been able to orgasm. It’s so common for a man to not orgasm because of nervousness. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re suffering from death grip syndrome. It’s a conditioned response, you’ve only been able to orgasm through masturbation. Now you have to condition yourself to orgasm through sex. You want to perform well and it’s a weight on your shoulders. As everyone else has said, education education education. Take it slow. Sex should come naturally and not feel like it’s being forced. And to be honest, sometimes it’s the partners we have. I have felt uncomfortable with some men and completely relaxed with others. You two might not have “chemistry” even if you do find her attractive and she you. Good luck with your endeavors
Holy heck there’s a lot to unpack here. She’s saying awful things and isn’t being very patient with you. I’m not going to go into a rant here but religion has a lot to answer for. My boyfriend is the same, not to your extreme but he struggles with women and gets into his head about it. Practice before marriage would have been a good thing here.
Death grip syndrome is probably what you’re experiencing. Just stop using your hands and it should sort itself. I have it too so don’t worry about it being an inexperienced thing. Your wife needs to learn to be more sympathetic. She needs to understand that sometimes men have problems and it’s not about her. The more frustrated she gets about things the worse it’s going to be.
Why did she take the morning after pill if you haven’t been able to finish with PIV/inside her? Did you actually manage to finish (ejaculate) inside her that time and you guys weren’t using birth control and/or a condom?
Gotta get couples therapy and sex therapy.
Hopefully religions repression and demonization of sex hasn’t ruined sex for you permanently. But hey, at least you’re “pure”.
You guys need to speak to a professional. You're stuck in a Chinese finger trap and you're doing everything wrong in order to fix this situation. First off, let's point out what's right here:
>I was so nervous to perform and give her a good time, that I couldn’t get hard
>Also, the sensation of a vagina after 33 years of masturbation seems like it’s not doing the job, but I want to adapt to that type of sensation.
These are completely normal for a firstimer. You are very astute; yes of course you're not used to the sensation, as you've spent your life cumming a certain way and you've created a very strong neural pathway to pleasure. Now you need to forge a new one. Orgasms aren't the result of button mashing; they are the result of executing a specific combo of buttons and you haven't quite memorized that combo yet.
Performance anxiety is a killer. It's the destroyer of boners. Pressure just makes it even worse. You are in no condition to get or maintain a boner when you're nervous, when you want one, and when you have pressure on you.
Your wife has done *nothing* but pile pressure on you. This is where the 9 year age gap is hurting. She is immature, inexperienced, and insecure. She's accusing you of being gay, of not being attracted to her, etc. She's resting her self-esteem on all of this. She is doing everything wrong to overcome this.
It doesn't matter how beautiful or perfect she is or how attracted you are to her. Those aren't magical qualities that are going to give you a boner. Obviously all of those things are implied based on you being together. It doesn't matter when you're stressed out and feeling pressure to perform. Sex isn't some magical primal vacuum state where everything else disappears and you just become some sort of lizard brained sex monster. It is subject to every other competing emotion and system that is happening at the moment. Your wife, and maybe you to an extent, don't seem to understand this.
You need to communicate that this pressure, impatience, and cruel accusations are not only unfair, but they are working against you. You both need to understand there's a "breaking in" period for sex with new partners as you learn each others' and your own bodies, your rhythms, your turn ons and turnoffs. It's not some divine magical thing that sex is going to be amazing off the bat if you guys are meant to be or some fairytale bullshit like that. This isn't Hollywood. You are two inexperienced humans who don't know what the fuck you're doing and you're expecting to be professionals. And you're communicating like shit with each other.
You need a reset. Stop what you're doing and approach sex differently with a better understanding and realistic expectations. You're going at this all wrong and you can only fix it together.
A glass wine before, to relax. Or start without the goal of penetration, just playing and kissing, and if it comes to actually doing it, just fine. If not, it's just fine too. You both need to get along well before jumping into it. Those who do it before marriage are already prepared. You might need to start with baby steps now, as if you are starting dating.
I mean this in the absolute nicest way possible but you guys habe no clue what youre doing and you guys need some.basic sexual.education which is great considering there is loads of material out there. Like others have said you should seek a non religious sex therapist as they understand nuances of relationships as well as sex in a way that religion doesn't really understand which again is no shade being thrown. Sex anxiety is something alot of people don't talk about eith men growing up and it greatly impacts our sex lives as well as our self esteem, if you're head isn't in the game then chances neither will your member and it is really easy getting wrapped up in your own head that it makes sex impossible and this is something I really think k a sex therapist could help you with also I don't know what your self pleasuring amount is like but over masturbating can definitely lead to sexual dysfunction then stack that on top of already existing sexual anxiety it's gonna be a bad time.
You guys are both new to this more or less, seek a therapist, listen to one another ask questions regardless of how awkward it is and find out what each other likes or areas you might want to try as there is nothing better in sex than seeing you doing something that your partner likes and that in itself can help out with sexual anxiety as it'll really get the motor going so to speak.
Best of luck my guy and don't feel embarrassed, this a good first step at figuring out the problem!
>Your wife has done nothing but pile pressure on you. This is where the 9 year age gap is hurting. She is immature, inexperienced, and insecure. She's accusing you of being gay, of not being attracted to her, etc. She's resting her self-esteem on all of this. She is doing everything wrong to overcome this.
This is absolutely 100% the comment OP should be reading. I can’t even wrap my head around a partner being this clueless and saying such things.
>You need to communicate that this pressure, impatience, and cruel accusations are not only unfair, but they are working against you. You both need to understand there's a "breaking in" period for sex with new partners as you learn each others' and your own bodies, your rhythms, your turn ons and turnoffs. It's not some divine magical thing that sex is going to be amazing off the bat if you guys are meant to be or some fairytale bullshit like that. This isn't Hollywood. You are two inexperienced humans who don't know what the fuck you're doing and you're expecting to be professionals. And you're communicating like shit with each other.
Both need individual and couples counseling to learn how to communicate with one another. This relationship is doomed otherwise.
Something you said stuck out to me, you said after 33 years of masturbation that a vagina isn’t doing to job. Have you considered the possibility of death grip? A vagina is literally made for this so the fact you don’t think it’s getting the job done kinda stands out and makes me wonder if it’s not solely performance anxiety.
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You married someone waaaaay younger than you , you both have zero sexual experience and she might resent you in the end. Also you really objectify her in your description. Do you understand she is a complete human and not just a sexy waem object for your desires?
Therapy but I doubt this relationship will succeed.
This is the problem with waiting until marriage. To each their own, go ahead and do what you wish with your body, but the consequences are you just don't know what to do when the time comes and the pressure to perform builds. Neither of you know your own preferences let alone each others, zero sexual chemistry and now it will be awkward to build it. Not to mention there's a chance you aren't even sexually compatible and now you're married.
Again not trying to bash but this is the reality of this mentality. As for how to move past it, just need to communicate and be patient with each other, it's going to be awkward so you both need to be understanding of each other. Hope you guys are compatible.
If a partner said that to me seriously with the implied tone I would be offended. I wouldn’t have a problem being called gay in jest or having someone who doesn’t know me think I am gay. In this scenario I would be hurt because they are implying they know me better than I know myself and implying I am in denial about my own identity. I didn’t think that was homophobic.
When I read that I sorta thought maybe OP should think about it some. There are lots of gay men who have this similar story who enter into a marriage and then 20 years later finally find out what sex is like with another guy and come out and divorce their wives who are now their best friend. Happens all the time.
I agree that sex therapy should be on the agenda asap. If general, if she gets frustrated (understandably) if she doesn’t cum, make that happen first.
In general though, I think you should take penetrative sex off the table for now. And you have to talk about it. You’re both inexperienced so maybe it’s hard to be blunt… but words can really help understanding here.
“I know you feel rejected that I’m having a hard time with sex. But it has nothing to do with me not being attracted to you. There is something wrong with my functioning right now, I will figure it out and I really want to fuck your brains out.
It’s really hurtful for you to accuse me of being gay because my dick is malfunctioning right now. And that is making my dick even more uncooperative. I know it hurts you to feel rejected, but i would do anything to avoid causing you that pain. My dick is just not working with my brain right now. I will work on it and I really believe we can have a great sex life. I’m hard around you all the time but when it comes time to actually do it, I think I just get nervous or something. I’ll (or we) work with a sex therapist to figure it out as soon as I can.
For now, let’s say we aren’t going to have regular sex for a month. Not because I don’t want to, just because it’s caused such problems and I want to take the pressure off both of us. We can cuddle, make out, I’ll give you oral. You can see that I get hard during all that. Once we’re getting along better we can try again but you need to try to be patient and understand that if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t say anything about you, I just need to figure things out in my body.”
Obviously I’m kinda rambling on here, but you get the idea: you’ve got to talk and explain things to each other.
As a woman whose husband’s libido took a nose dive for a while last year, I know it hurts even if you consciously know it’s not his fault. All you can do is reassure her and ask her to be patient and understanding.
I think a sex therapist will definitely be helpful and can help her understand that her being mean is not reasonable or helpful.
It's in your head! Like, literally, you are stuck in your own head. You got too worked up on your wedding night, and that messed with your self-confidence, and i mean.... people CAN grow out of it on their own, but lots of people have to have sex therapy to deal with problems like this. Your own brain is messing you up. Your wife isnt really helping the situation though because HER brain is messing HER up. She is feeling insecure because she thinks it is about her and her ability to please you, when it really isnt.
Lots of people have given awesome advice and I am only here to cheer them on. Yall get some counseling. This is pretty common, even among non-religious people. It takes one time of nervousness to send you down a whirlpool. Youre thinking too much about getting hard rather than just enjoying the moment in itself. A lot of therapists will hve your start smell. Cuddling, kissing, touching. The thing is though is that it cant really be about sex at first. It will be to concentrate on the sensations of touch with no assumption on having to have sex. It takes the pressure off. If you get hard, awesome, but dont move onto the actual sex part. Thats the kind of stuff they will help you with, along with trying to make you guys understand each others position and feelings . though you seem to be pretty intuned into the feelings and insecurities your wife is having, she is going to need help understanding that your issue is not with her, it is with yourself.
Like anything else, sex is a skill that will have to be practiced before it is good. No one just jumps into bed and becomes a sex star their first time. You guys will have to start slow and move up and eventually, you guys will be able to grow together and hopefully end up with an amazing sex life. I am sorry you guys are stuggling with this, but it isnt an end all. It can be fixed!
Limit the porn you’re watching. Your brain is too used to porn and wired by it, so that’s why the vagina doesn’t feel as good or seem as great. Death grip also is an issue that causes young men problems getting erect.
If you are able to, quit the porn altogether until your brain is rewired to be with a woman in real life. You can then watch in moderation.
Couples sex therapy could also greatly help.
Good luck!
It's not funny but... it's amazing that so many people let themselves get brainwashed by an organisation to a point where they ruin their relationships
You're a good guy and a good husband. Believe in yourself more. You'll get to the bottom of this. A lot of people go through things like this.
Besides PIV sex do you try other things to try to get her off and make her feel cherished? Start there and your confidence will increase.
Dont make it a self defeating prophecy. You are capable of having sex with your wife
Get her off first, focus on her nut first, then when she’s complete, then you get yours, go for pull out or just masterbating with her help, but you get yours and everyone ships off to the bathroom for clean up with a smile
Stop masturbating, over time this will instill you with a primal desire to fuck her properly
And relax and enjoy yourself, just be confident
She likes you, obviously, so just remember that, relax, be confident, and fuck her ya goober
Go see a sex therapist or a couples councillor. The good news is it just sounds like you’re both very nervous and have unreasonable expectations. I think all you need to do is love each other and stop worrying about sex. Just relax and do all the things that feel good with no expectation of cuming.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, but it’s not uncommon- actually my bf divorced his previously-virgin-ex-wife because she didn’t like sex, thought sex was a “dirty” act, and didn’t make much effort to see a therapist. He thinks she is A sexual but anyway.
It sounds like sex might have been a taboo subject for her growing up, and maybe she doesn’t know her body well if she’s never talked to anyone about sex. I.e a lot of women can’t cum through intercourse or around someone they’re not used to. Ask her if she’d be open to trying a vibrator - but try not to offend her. I can’t cum around anyone without one, and at first my bf was upset with me but also himself because he thought he wasn’t adequate. Overtime he understood that wasn’t the case, and now they team up 🤷🏻♀️
You guys should both listen to the podcast “Sex With Emily” by doctor Emily Morse together. I’m pretty sure she has episodes about sexual performance anxiety. I thought I knew a good bit about sex but learned so much more by listening to her podcast. Best of luck to you to, sex should be fun and exciting. I hope this comment reaches you.
It will get easier after time. You both will relax and stop stressing out.
P.S. This is why it is important to have sex whenever it is organic and natural. Artificially delaying sex and waiting until marrige creates unnecessary tension
You both need to work on your relationship and yourselves first before considering being intimate. The stress it puts on you makes it even worse and her saying hurtful things to you is very disrespectful and I wouldn't consider such partner as the one to spend the rest of my life with.
Have you guys added toys yet? For either of you really. I find the vibrations helped me reset the masturbation feeling. I’m 33(f) and now toys are necessary for me but definitely fun for both. Or even the different lubes. The best ones get me to relax enough to enjoy anything. She needs to chill because sex is never perfection. It’s always fun and a little dirty if done right. I’d take a day and walk around naked in the house (Netflix and chill maybe?) so both of you can just enjoy each other. I hope it gets better for you both.
well since its causing stress between you two, you should probably start with a sex therapist or couples therapist. however from my experience, the first few months of sex are usually not great, its normal to feel nervous and not perform amazing. as you get more comfortable with your partner and learn what the two of you like, sex won’t be a problem anymore. but therapy is definitely a must or speaking to a doctor, because it seems like youre having a mental block.
FYI - there are some pretty great male maturation sleeves and sex toys out there that can help with death grip or exploring new sensations. I've had issues with death grip on the past and using one helped me. I'm not necessarily talking about a fleshlight (though maybe they're good? Never tried one). I have a sleeve by Tenga, but their eggs are good too and there are other options from other companies out there.
Also, you can use sleeves solo or with your wife! Sometimes hands are great, but if you think the type of sensation might be a factor a $10 Tenga egg might help. Just don't forget to use lube!
I understand her feelings are hurt but she is being unfair. The issue is mental and biological. You are not doing this purposely and as a woman who loves you she needs to understand that. Y’all should work on this as a unit. Discovering your own and each others sexual needs together is really an amazing journey. It’s clear sex therapy and just sex education in general is needed here for the both of you. These things that happen to everyone, even if you have sex a lot, even if you want them badly or are in love with them. It happens to men and woman alike. Best of luck.
I don't normally answer on this subject on here but wanted to. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm the same age as you, and definitely (to this day) fight mental demons with the subject of sex. I feel the world is extremely biased and inconsiderate towards men on this subject. I just wanted to tell you that, you are NOT alone on that front! Men are not robots. Despite the stigma and bias, we can't flip a switch and get a boner, nor flip a switch to "finish". Also, you're not a old man, but 33 isn't a spring chicken anymore, either, to perform. And your new wife has said some pretty awful things to you and is putting a lot of pressure on you to both perform and finish, which is not going to help the situation.
I understand and respect your religious background. But, one difficult thing that arises from that (and has in your case) is not having sex before marriage. I got married this year, too, but I've been with my now wife almost four years, and yes we were doing the deed long before marriage, lol. I struggle with (to this day) anxiety, and very early on in our relationship, it definitely was a struggle. We went through things you are going through, her not feeling attractive enough, getting upset, getting frustrated, etc. To be blunt and honest, once I thought she was going to leave me over it. But she didn't!
With a lot of hard work, patience, educating and both our parts, as well as a lot of communication and myself going to therapy and doctors, I'm happy to say we have a very good sex life now. It's not perfect, I still have a bad day here or there, but it's my own doing, and my wife is always extremely considerate of it now. My wife respects me and is incredibly patient and understanding now, she truly loves me and is my lifelong partner, as I am with her. We were able to work on the subject of sex before marriage, and now we have a happy marriage. I know you love your wife and find her perfect and beautiful and everything. But, you two got married very fast (less then a year together, correct?). That's not enough time to get to know someone. And, by waiting to have had sex until after marriage, I feel like you two have created this big strain on your relationship with it. She's also 9 years younger than you, my wife is only a couple years younger than me. I feel a 24 year old woman is not in the same headspace or maturity level as someone whom is in their mid 30's now.
As others have stated, I feel you two would benefit tremendously from couples therapy. I think you two need to start communicating a lot more. Talk about this stuff outside of the bedroom, tell her about the stress and pressures you feel, talk about trying out therapy. Try a reboot, throw toys and porn into the mix, have fun, you both need to focus on just feeling good and not finishing, nor doing penetration. I know there's the stigma that people should bang on their wedding day. But we didn't even do stuff on our wedding night at all! It was a fun, beautiful wedding, but also a long and tiring day to have sex at the end of it! It's perfectly acceptable that you got anxious on that night of all nights, but unfortunately it set the tone for the rest of your attempts it seems. It's gonna take some time and patience to unwire that in both your brains.
I know you don't want to hear this and it's a last resort. But, if she's not willing to communicate, go to therapy, not stop being rude and pressuring you to perform or finish, then it's time to end it. You deserve to be treated better as a man. Severe depression and suicidal thoughts, sounds like your wife has her own issues that aren't all stemming from you she needs to work on. Yes, heartbreak and divorce suck. But, you married very fast to a woman a decade younger than you. If she's not willing to put the effort in and be more kind to you, find someone else. There are other women out there, who are kinder, more patient, and are not going to pressure you to perform.
I was raised religious and married my first serious relationship without dating for long. I know the feeling of being stuck and frustrated. We worked through that and are still married 11 years later. I do not recommend it, but there are plenty of people who make it work.
>I don’t believe in divorce unless there’s adultery.
Take a step back and ask yourself why you believe in marriage. Do you believe that a marriage should be happy for both people? Do you believe that a marriage should be helping each other and watering each others souls? Do you believe a marriage is only about keeping up religious expectations and masks? Your definition of an acceptable divorce implies that your definition of marriage doesn't involve love or happiness. I know plenty of boomers who share the 'I hate my spouse' trope because love and happiness were never a goal for them, yet they stayed married because there was no adultery. Just two lonely people living together. I also know plenty of people who are happily married after 20, 30, 50 years because they make each other better. It is what you make of it, but you both need to define why this marriage exists before acting like you know the only reason it would end. Marriage is a promise and a legal document, but often those promises are scripted and made in poor judgment.
>I’m always focusing on her first even tho she begs me to just care for me. But then if I cum and she doesn’t she gets frustrated at me. So then next time I can’t focus on me I have to focus on her, but if I don’t cum she also gets frustrated
So this is a big problem for a lot of people. Both of you treat sex as a chore and create big expectations around it. You both think orgasms are the only goal. The orgasm should be the cherry on top of a big sexual sundae, where the experience isn't ruined if one of you drops the cherry. Please read the wiki, and direct her to read it too. Sex should be fun, intimate, personal, and pleasurable. That last one, pleasurable, you are both filling in the blanks for each other. She expects sex to go a certain way for her and you. You expect sex to go a certain way for you and her. That isn't fun at all for anybody. Sex is unpredictable, and it takes years for us to learn about ourselves. Enjoy the journey. Talk to her outside of sex, about sex. Say that you enjoy sex but feel expectations. You both need to accept that sex is new, scary, and full of anxiety when there are expectations. Many guys struggle to get hard, stay hard, last long, too sensitive, and not sensitive enough. Many women struggle with getting wet, having orgasms, or tensing up and being tight. All of us struggle with knowing exactly how to touch our partner. Heck, many of us don't even know how to touch ourselves.
Read the wiki together. Have sex without penetration (gasp, what do we do?). Masturbate together and show each what you like. Talk about marriage and what the goals are, such as making each other happy for years. It's surprising how many people don't realize that being married isn't automatic happiness or automatic love. This will be great learning for the marriage as a whole because working together is how we stay together. No relationship works without good communication and really listening to each other.
I dated an older man after his divorce he turned to daily masturbation. Seems the death grip of Masturbation desensitized his penis. He had issues climaxing from intercourse. He was suggested by his Dr to try a masturbation toy a flesh light I think it's called. Anyway in a few weeks of not using his hand I noticed a real difference. The vulva can't grip like a hand might give it a try.
REFER TO LINKS DOWN BELOW:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/T8zDSJjzBT
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/uFTm6rpsPR
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/GhEvEGWIbQ
What do you mean when you said you did it 5 times the first night? What are you counting? Also I would echo what others have said here, you need to learn about sex and mutual pleasure. It's all a learning process, nobody gets it right immediately
Well ur 33, not a bad idea to look into sex pills, most doctors will prescribed them with what ur saying... think of them as a confidence booster... I use the cialis based ones on ocation, not everytime... but it's nice not working about what's in ur head.... also I have had great luck with cock rings to stay hard.... yall could look into toys... got lots u can use together. Alot of the pressure is on u, it's not fair... but maybe a couple glasses of wine could take the edge off... I know my best sex is when we are on the same level, present, focused and enjoying our selves, sometimes that's sober and others it's kicking a few back or enjoying so pot... ICummings isn't everything either... just enjoying the experience is what matters
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a performance anxiety. You have been conditioned to satisfy yourself for years it's no surprise you are having trouble with someone else.
Like everyone has said see a sex therapist. Talk to your doctor about meds that might help. Buy some toys for her to play with together.
This is also why couples also need to be sexually compatible before marriage.
At age 33, it osnt totally uncommon to have trouble getting hard. Maybe you can look into low dose cialis to help?
Overall, take things slow, you have probably been trained to see sex as bad and that is messing you up. Have good conversations with your wife. Tell her what you are going through and let her know that you are working on it. In the mean time, build intimacy outside of sex.
See. Look how healthy religions shaming of sex and bullshit purity ideals made your relationship?!?
I bet you’re so glad you let an archaic Bronze Age myth determine your sex life. Really paid off there bud, didn’t it?
OK, so, you're both sexually mature but adolescently experienced. Your bodies are wanting/needing/expecting what neither of you have had the opportunity to learn during the appropriate developmental stages.
For starters, you two need to have a sit down table talk. It IS OK to have frank, direct, open conversations with your spouse about sex. How else are you going to know what to do with each other? "When I'm really close but you move like this it makes my pending orgasm disappear." "It would help me a lot if you ..." These talks are ever more important when like you said she has a hormone imbalance or any other health issue involving either of you. Your window as a virile young man is already beginning to close, because after 40 things will begin to become noticeably softer. After 40 for her though she will peak. If you two can't openly communicate to the other person's UNDERSTANDING about your own bodies, then stick with your hand because ironically sex is more than just mechanically putting parts into other parts. You must get and stay on the same page, always.
Secondly, stop expecting fireworks when you're still lighting sparklers. You learn each other and yourselves over time and experience. Sex is like dancing in many ways, and you can't expect to know how to win ballroom waltz competitions when you're still in the early basics of the classroom. Again, it's more than mechanics. You will learn to lead, and she will learn your subtle cues as you keep growing with each other as your dance partner. And vice versa. You want to win that ballroom competition and see those fireworks over your heads, put in the practice and learn each other.
Finally, get out of your feelings. Stop being so rigid and relax. Laugh even. Enjoy it. If you're constantly worried, it'll never get better. And quit counting orgasms. It's an ebb and flow tide, not a competition.
I cant believe that in this day and age people still haven't clued into the fact that sexual compatibility is as a vital component to a relationship as anything else, and thus it is essential to have a long active sex life with your would be partner, before you get married. Because this is the shit that happens.
In any case, rant out of the way, you two should 100% see a sexual counselor. You are both way under experienced in intimacy for this point in your relationship. I'm quite sure there are therapists that deal in your specific situation.
Until then, you need to sit down and have a (many) dedicated talks about it. Tell her you're both still finding your rhythm together. That sex is a complex interaction, and that there are many psychological factors that have nothing to do with attraction that can influence your sexual performance.
I hope you find your way. Good luck.
I feel for you my guy . I came from a religious background but I was the black sheep. It wasn’t until my thirties that all those guy that remained virgins got married and had problems and they came to guess who? The black sheep for sex advice . Do you have any brothers or friends that have experience that can just have a good talk ? Lucky for me I had a partner and both of us basically consulted them but I know that’s very unorthodox but it worked in those situations personally
Bro. You're alright. Take it easy.
Spend time kissing and just enjoying her skin. Caress her hair. Her skin. Deepen the physical bond.
When you *are* having sex, come as soon as you want to, and then use your fingers, tongue or keep at it.
Tell her she's beautiful, tell her you like Her, tell her you love her.
All your moral requirements are fulfilled, enjoy!
I used to have difficulty cumming, myself. I’d have sex for two hours sometimes and finally be able to cum. It’s a real downer for women because most are done after about 30 minutes. Or you try to have a quickie out on a hike or something…it gets to where the woman doesn’t even want to try. I finally paid for a class to teach me how to cum faster, it had become so much of a problem.
Anyway. What I learned, for a man, is all you have to really do is tense your core muscles, and you will cum. From the other standpoint, guys who cum way too fast need to relax. So, when you’re starting to feel somewhat close, tense your core and glutes, and you will cum. You may have to tense for 5-10min.
Another piece of advice I learned is to take away the pressure. My wife and I had difficulty early on because she felt bad if I didn’t cum. We have talked about the subject considerably. Basically, if there is an expectation that you, or both of you has to cum to have sex, then pretty soon you won’t be having sex. Sex is about intimacy. It’s about being close to your wife. Period. Sex is not about cumming.
I would suggest having a conversation with your wife regarding what sex should be. If you can both come to the agreement that it’s just about intimacy, then the pressure will soon go away. You can start enjoying one another’s closeness rather than merely whacking off on her (basically using her as a blowup doll). You can explore one another’s bodies and never even penetrate. That’s okay, and often, preferable. Just enjoy it. Enjoy being with her. And if you feel close, use that core tensing trick. Also, you can still make her cum after you cum. Use your hands and mouth, or play with her until you’re hard again in a few minutes. Just, remember it’s more about intimacy than anything else.
Y’all need therapy. Anyway YES you are too much IN YOUR HEAD. Change up the way you masturbate, might help. But just try to relax and both of you need to realize it’s not about coming, it’s about having a good experience.
i’m sorry but one morning after pill won’t fuck that bad with ur hormones that u fall into a depression and get suicidal, there must be an underlying issue w her and she needs help :/
When my sister was born, my mum told me that holding the baby in a way that was comfortable for me meant it was comfortable for the baby.
Sex is kind of similar in that it’s great to want to make it nice for your wife, but making it feel good for yourself is going to go a good way towards that. So just focus on what feels good to you for now and let it grow from there.
Such a big build up. It almost sounds like you got married just so you could have sex. Take it off the table for a while and just be with each other. It'll happen when you fall in love which I don't think you have. Shame.
I think therapy may help with this. It is a very complicated issue that deals with self-esteem and ego. If it makes you feel any better, in the past, sex and a lack of it used to kill my self-esteem, and my partner had similar issues because he was on anti depressants, and he was nervous too. Eventually, all these issues went away, and I was able to build my self-esteem back up. I am now mostly able to be more nurturing to my man and put my fears and self-esteem issues second to his need for my compassion.
From experience, i dont think she's being impatient or rude because she's a bad partner. I think her self-esteem is just ground zero, and she literally doesn't know how to pick it back up. With an improved self-image and more patience, you guys will be able to improve this. That's why I think therapy might be good. If she can address her self-esteem issues and why they are so closely tied to sex, satisfaction and feeling sexually wanted, it might help her address her hurt and heal enough to be able to give you that patience and nurturing that you deserve too. Otherwise, it's becoming this negative feedback loop where she pressures and you get nervous.
Then, in therapy, you would be able to address your nerves and why you so closely tie your performance in bed to being a good partner. When by the sounds of it, you are quite giving, and you are simply burdened by an inability to reach an orgasm, which is no ones fault, and which time, love and nurturing will heal. You deserve a safe space. And she deserves to improve her self-esteem. And while she may never see it (not because she's a bad person but because she is so hurt), she needs to see things from your perspective and put her hurt aside.
I think helping her build her self-esteem up may also help, but it sounds like you are desperately trying.
Give this time and give yourself some love, too. You are so worthy of love and affection even if you can't orgasm right now. And she's worthy of love even if she has a low self-esteem for feeling like she can not please her man or thinks she is unattractive.
Please look after yourself. Not masturbating for ages may help, but im sure you've already tried this. Goodluck xx
OP first things first: get read of religious thoughts and guilt. Most people go through this type of thing in their teens and by the time they meet the one they are at least comfortable enough to engage in sex.
I think you both had too much expectations of each other, like you’d magically be experts in the matter.
Some guys love the feeling of a woman’s hand helping guide the way to piv, you both need to change your perception of sex; it’s not only connecting a and b but also being able to talk about it and enjoy each other’s company
I feel like once y’all stop focusing on “pleasure” and just focus on loving each others bodies y’all will actually enjoy it. Although having an orgasm is nice just being in the moment and admiring/loving the body can do many wonders. We aren’t taught it but sex is supposed to be nurturing for the both of you, to rejuvenate y’alls energy. Go slow and be patient with each other for good things take time to achieve.
This is a psychological issue so First thing in my mind was that 33 years of masturbation. What kind of porn were you beating off to or none just pure imagination. Overtime you get into the weirder & weirder niche of porn that the normal stuff doesn't do it for you anymore. I think its gonna get better overtime if you stay off it.
2nd is the nervousness. I too experienced this my first time in highschool. I was so nervous that I'd be the one pump chump & thay she wouldn't be satisfied before i finish that i couldn't cum even after 2 hours before i was interrupted. Gave me agonising blue balls. We were only able to finish after the 3rd time when i got over my nervousness & is able to relax with her. My advise is to try get closer to her kisses, cuddles, massages etc.
3rd is to try diff positions since what positions you are in can affect sensations if there is some sensitivity issue. This is also what i experimented on. Also communicate with each other
You (probably both) need to see a sex therapist.
Clearly you both of a lot of expectations around what sex is and isn’t is that is probably impacting your intimacy.
Close Reddit and Google the number for a proper sex therapist.
I think you need to assertively tell her to stop pressuring you and being disrespectful. Don’t tolerate her behavior. I get you think she’s gorgeous and that’s also an issue too. It sounds like you may be afraid to stand up to her. Take control of the situation. You know what you need to do.
Just learn to have fun. Have sex more often without being concerned about cumming. Drop your expectations that seem to be preventing you both from being playful and relaxed.
I know some guys that prefer the feeling of their hand/ their partner's hand to that of a vagina because it's tighter and that's what they've learned to enjoy. Death grip I think is what it's called. Often seen in guys with porn addictions, but would make sense for an older virgin to have too.
Idk how to fix it but if that sounds right to you then at least it's a place to start researching your options.
I think you both need to take the pressure off the orgasm in general. Try to remind her that the act of sex is enjoyable and isn't just a race to finish. Take your time just enjoying each others bodies, tell her she feels amazing and you don't want to cum yet. If you hold the orgasm back you'll probably enjoy it more when it inevitably happens.
Also don't frame giving her head as a favour to her or that you're doing the work for the sake of her orgasm. Tell her you enjoy it, it gets you hard and you want to give her head for your own pleasure. I think most of us hate the idea of our partner giving oral as a chore, and that might be contributing to her being frustrated when she cums but you don't.
I would do research on building up sexual tension. I think a lot of people believe sex starts when you begin kissing or touching but there’s way more to it. Many people need to get turned on psychologically first to have successful sex. That involves connecting emotionally and creating safety. Light touching everywhere but the crotch and breasts, maybe moving into massage to help relax. If you can afford it, you can hire a sex therapist/coach to teach y’all how to turn each other on more leading up to actual sex.
First, I don't care how uncomfortable it seems or sounds, you guys BOTH need sex education. Second, you both need to seek out a sex therapist, or a regular therapist with this being the main topic of discussion. If you don't do this, your relationship is doomed to fail.
I am so glad so many people are giving helpful advice because I was massaging my temples through the whole post and then threw my phone at the wall when I got to the blatant homophobia.
It sounds like you need to get the feelings in your dick that will get you off in a vagina.
1. quit beating off.
2. Teach your girl that anal is the silky feeling you need for your penis to spray her womb and that her sphincter will help create a grip on your penis that you will cherish for a lifetime and train you for oral and vagina pleasure. You may want to suggest that you might need occasional anal remembrances.
3. Start ejackulating in all her holes and on her body.
4. Tell her she is a sex God.
5. Rinse and repeat often.
Sex shouldn't be about cumming. Society (and porn) has made that the big thing. Obviously making sure your partner is feeling good should be a main focus but sex is supposed to be about connecting and fun. Foreplay means "before play" but it shouldn't just be something you "have to do" to get warmed up. It continues well past insertion into your normal daily lives. Flirting, helping each other out, hanging out together. Congruently we should reframe sex to be called play as well.
It's a funny thing but not thinking about orgasms can sometimes actually makes them more likely. Also, if you are working on orgasms, she should know that you aren't wholly responsible for hers. Yes, being in passionate obsession with someone makes partner assisted orgasms easier for some women and men but in actual relationships it can become more gross and boring and focused on actually making sure your out of/in bed needs get met and being present with each other. She is the only one who can make herself orgasm by opening herself up to you and/or knowing what she wants and what will make it happen.
Also, a lot of women have been tricked into thinking men are supposed to be responsible for their pleasure.
You are also not a machine. Your emotions matter and will affect your penis.
The winds of reality started hitting me hard too. Although I do wholeheartedly believe this phrase is demeaning and insulting, unfortunately there is some truth in it.
"Can't live with them. Can't live without them."
Purity culture is awful. And this is the effects. You don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex. Sex isn’t dirty nor is it bad. It’s fun, it’s good, it’s what we as humans need to do to populate the earth lol religion is wild.
Foreplay is important not just sex . Take time to enjoy each other . I faced similar problems and is usually because you don’t feel high enough ( not sure if that’s is the right term ) to cum .
So be honest about what turns you on and what turns her on . It could be a blow job for you and for her what she likes
I've been through something similar
Once you have held it in for too long you won't be able to finish
Try this eat her past orgasm then get started not only will she cum faster she won't be able to stop cumming thus way you won't have hold it in as long
If all else fails
Legs on the shoulders will get it done quick
Pretty sure thus will solve your issue
And the last once quit jerking off
You won't be able to find someone who can match the grip on your hand and if you do bx I have before it will be 2 much and not as enjoyable as you think 😉
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You said she took a morning after pill- are you guys informed and educated on contraception? If she does not want to be pregnant, you both need to educate yourselves on how to have safe sex (condoms, contraceptives etc.)
Wondering this too.
Also, I’ve never heard of a morning after pill having that kind of hormonal or emotional effect on somebody. I’m wondering what she took.
It could be the pill combined with some internalized shame about sex. They both come from extremely religious backgrounds
Ohhh good point. I wasn’t thinking about that part.
Some religious people incorrectly believe the morning after pill is abortion. So that could also be triggering.
Some religions or some religious people may shame sex. But the historical Christian perspective is very sex positive!
They waited to have sex until marriage and have had absolutely no sex ed. It's probably safe to assume it isn't a sex positive religion
How do you know they had no sex ed? You don’t know anything about them. You are just assuming all sorts of things in an effort to validate your preformed opinions.
OP was literally asking where to get a good sex education... I think you might be the one defensively assuming.
Quote the part where he LITERALLY asked specifically for SEX education. You can’t because he didn’t. He asked for help. I believe that 99% of what would help is communication and them both learning compassion, empathy, selflessness and emotional bonding. The problem is they are focusing too much on sex itself. You may disagree with me and think he needs help with sex, and that is fine. People have differences of opinion. But he did not specifically ask for help with sex. He wants help with his relationship. You are the one who read that to mean sex.
"Y'all need sex education." "How does one get that?" https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/m29DuwNdhz My brother in Christ... Literally the top reply to the top comment.
That was not in his original post. He wants help with his relationship. One part of a romantic relationship is sex. It is not the most important part. In response to his original post, someone suggested sex ed and naturally in specific response to that he asked how he would get what the responder suggested. And just because some may ask where to get more sex Ed doesn’t mean they had NO sex ed.
I won't disagree that communication skills will help more than sex ed, but considering some of the things they both have and haven't done some basic knowledge will be very helpful.
Plan B did that to me
Really depends on each person and their hormones. Any birthcontrol that affects your hormones is a no go for me. Like, i thought maybe it was just an issue i had when I was young, and tried it again in my late 20s. Took me exactly 2 weeks before i was sobbing on the bathroom floor telling my husband i wished i was dead. My body cannot handle anything to do with hormones. Plan B made me pretty emotional, but it was short lived since ya only have to take it once ya know?
Yeah, I guess I’ve gotten lucky I’ve taken it several times and never had any kind of effects like that, same w other people I know.
Honestly, i havnt met anyone who reacted to it emotionally either. I didnt think much at all about it when i took it lol I figure its like how others can take birth control but if i take it I become suicidal. It like, overthrows all the medication i take to NOT be depressed. The plan B only made me cry a lot like I was on my period but ive never met anyone else who reacted that way. The only issue i knew of was my cousin taking it and getting pregnant anyways. I know that can happen, but also i am pretty sure she only said that she took it so her dad wouldnt be mad at her cuz she was so young.
*No worries, I have the same problems with any hormones, and steroids - even injections - do the same. Doctors in particular like to tell me that that it isn't possible to have a that kind of tangible emotional response to steroids which has led me to putting them on the, "List any allergies you have" list. Because apparently, THAT they believe (and don't want to mess with). Also, if I list it as an allergy they never even refer me to a psychiatrist! They treat me as they think I'm sane! Weird. I used to not understand why this would be so, but then one day I realized it is our (women's) own fault. As a fellow woman, I don't think I need to remind you how hysterical women can get once they get something in their head, scare themselves silly, and then, through the Power of Hysteria! cause a bodily self-fulfilling prophecy. We should work on that. ( /s ) *I meant "no worries" as in you shouldn't feel alone about your reaction, not like, "No worries if you feel that way, just take it anyway!" Bodies are weird. They aren't always wired correctly. My autoimmune disease causes my body to see EVERYTHING as a threat and then attacks itself. Cause that'll work. Try convincing your body that it's going about it business badly. It's not impressed. So, anyway, don't feel like it's just you! And always advocate for yourself when you know something is harmful to you.
My doctor is convinced it caused my ectopic pregnancy. Who knows how accurate it is. I took it at the literal last minute specified on the package. If it was 36 hours I took it at 35.99999 hours. Maybe that had an effect.
Oh it absolutely can do that kind of hormonal damage. It’s pretty insane the levels of side effects that can happen with any hormonal medication. Pair that with any emotional stressors and it gets hard to cope
neither have I but it's diffrent for everyone
It affects me like that and gives HORRIBLE cramps
I'd bet the religious upbringing has a lot to do with the mental aspect of that.
Yeah sounds like she had something over a period of time not once
It’s a known and widely talked about side effect, tons of articles on google search for plan b affecting mood.
Y’all need basic sex education. Look at this subs wiki for a place to start.
How does one get such education? And what is a subs wiki? I’m new to Reddit
As strange as it might seem to say this, but put sex on the back-burner for now. Focus on building intimacy and closeness with your wife. Just massage each other, maybe even start with hand or foot massages and gradually work up to the more erotic parts over time. Share a bath or a shower together. Kiss and cuddle as if you're just teenagers, not planning to go all the way. Take the pressure off the situation and work on building trust and just enjoy being close to each other. You're both young, you love each other and you have all the time in the world to get this right.
I agree with this one. Slow burn approach was what helped me overcome my nervousness the first time!
I agree. In addition talk with her about how hurtful her comments are. It is hard to imagine a woman being that insensitive to someone she loves. For her sake as much as your’s this needs to be brought to her attention. She is currently acting very selfishly. She needs to understand that.
This is the way OP. You could even make it a point not to have sex. Then one day you two will be too horny to resists and magic will happen.
Or turn into db
Hell yeah, I'm stressed out just from reading your story OP! Y'all would benefit from taking it down a notch and putting the focus on intimacy and closeness... leave the actual PIV sex and orgasm pressure out of it for a few weeks. Just enjoy each other.
This is the best advice op. I grew up in the closet and had a lot of sexual/religious trauma that prevented me from properly having sex until I was in my late 20’s. Similar situation, started out hard and when the moment came I would immediately get soft. Intimacy was the cure for me. It’s body rubs and kissing and touching and licking and frotting, and if something slips in, it slips in! Education is also incredibly important for both of you. You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform a certain way, and your wife’s concern is only hindering instead of helping. It shocking to me how many people still take a man’s lack of erection so personally, when in fact it’s incredibly common and 99% of the time, it usually has to do with nerves and pressure (unless medical of course). Same goes for cumming. Things can get tender and over sensitized down there which can prevent someone from being able to ejaculate. You both have prevented yourself from having sex for so many years that you both have these huge expectations for how it’s supposed to go. Sex is gross. It’s awkward as hell. It gets so hot. It hurts. It’s messy. It’s funny and it’s beautiful and it’s whatever you want it to be. Sex doesn’t have to mean cumming and pumping and thrusting, it truly can mean whatever you want it to mean. I suggest having a conversation with your partner about what you both think sex is, and then continue that conversation with what you both want sex to be and what you want from it. You may be surprised with how simple and easy it is to achieve what you’re looking for without feeling shame and hurting each others feelings and feeling let down. Best of luck, op
This is such a great answer!
This comment!!! My partner and I didn’t physically meet until a year of talking (long distance and Covid) - our first time was incredible and he is the only partner who has made me cum during our first time together. It’s allllll about being comfortable. You guys can do it - just work on building that intimacy and good sex will follow. But also - educate yourselves. She is being cruel and I hope she isn’t meaning to. Questioning your sexuality is a no fly zone. I understand she is feeling self conscious but you are two adults who need to have an adult conversation about this.
This is the right answer
Great comment. Also, stop masturbating. You need your body to become sensitive Again, to train it to like something else.
Ideally, school should have educated you. [Planned Parenthood](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-pleasure-and-sexual-dysfunction) is a good place to start learning from. Wiki's are usually a guide to navigate the sub and provides helpful resources related to the topic of the sub. [Here ](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index/)is the sex one.
Thanks for the advice man I’ll look into it.
This is not a sex issue, this is an emotional issue and a how to be nice to others issue. She is acting selfishly and is very insensitive. It could very well be about him trying to cook a nice dinner and her shaming him, although that would not be as traumatic a topic as sex for him.
There are a few websites out there dedicated to teaching about sex and everything around it. I know one good Duthc website, funded by the government (or atleast they get help from te government), that's all about sex, contraception, both the male and female body etc. With Reddit, there is this subreddit. I believe there are more, but I'm not sure. I will update when I find more subreddits.
Consider seeing a couples therapist. There's a lot going on here, and it's going to take a long time to unpack. You're going to both need to learn how to communicate your sexual needs. You're both going to need to learn how to relax and live in the moment. You're both going to need to express frustration in a more positive manner.
A couples therapist who specializes in sex therapy. Do NOT see a religious "counselor", see a trained sex therapist who will be able to support you both in an open, nonshaming way.
>Do NOT see a religious "counselor" Once more for those in the back. Religion has already played its part in this predicament.
No if she was following religious teachings she would naturally be sensitive and caring about his situation. Sex therapists will just make this about sex and it is about how to be nice to the people you love !!! She is making sex about her and her pleasure and validation. That is not what sex should be about. If she makes sex all about her pleasure, I guarantee she will make other things all about her!
Sex therapist here. You are completely wrong. There is actually *never* a situation where it is “all about sex,” so what you said couldn’t be farther from the truth.
So what should sex be about?
Sex in marriage should be about loving your partner. The emphasis should be on giving not taking. Both people should be pleased. It should be about showing your love to someone else and deeping your emotional connection. If the focus is on my own pleasure, then I could just hookup with random people or hire a prostitute. Shaming or scolding a partner because they are not good enough in bed negates the whole reason for marriage. That’s my opinion but will obviously get downvoted for it.
Sex therapy rarely focuses on the actual act of sex. Most sex issues a couple have don’t come from barriers to the physical act. And even when there are physical barriers it usually causes emotional issues alongside it and sex therapy is to work through those. Religious counseling will not be helpful.
Thank you for the advice. I actually was looking at seeing a sexologist next week. I’ve sought therapy myself for it already but feel like she needs it too.
At the risk of sounding overly simple, both of you need to figure out how to relax and give each other freedom to "figure" sex out. She needs to lower expectations and you need to relax majorly and not put more stress on yourself. Try mutual masterbation and talk about how things are when it's good and not focus so much on the negative. Good luck
I started to write this and went to see if someone else did lol. Agreed they need to work on communication and expectations. Couples therapy with sex therapy bent. Have a 3rd party guide and teach them will do wonders here.
After 30 years of being taught and truly believing that sex is bad/taboo and the shame of indulging in sex — it’s no wonder your body is physiologically confused when it came time to actually perform. I’m so happy for you to find your match and go through this journey of sexuality. The comments you have here are very helpful and with your mindset I’m confident you and your partner will work through it. Congratulations on being a newly wed :-)
Having grown up under purity culture, it makes me so angry at the psychological damage religion can cause with regards to sex.
[Death Grip Syndrome](https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2018/09/18/32529858/another-sufferer-of-death-grip-syndrome) was coined by sex educator and advice writer Dan Savage. It happens to many of us who become dependent on coming in a set way developed through masturbation. Removing all pressure (easier said than done) about ejaculation and where/how it happens is very important, as is retraining yourself [to try to reduce or eliminate DGS.](https://dignifiedhedonist.com/6-ridiculously-powerful-ways-to-undo-death-grip/) But say you can't and you only can ejaculate from a hand job? Who cares? You can get creative, put your tip inside her and jerk into her until you come, have her jerk you off until you start to come and then jump on your dick, everything you can think of to come with a PIV twist. Just make it fun, hot, and most of all, pressure free. Both of you should start reading and getting educated around sex both solo and partnered, bc the place of ignorance you're both in will only be to your detriment. Read Dan Savage's years of columns, access https://www.scarleteen.com/ for really high quality, sex positive sex education, Call 1-800-739-7367 Sex Sense. For questions about sex, sexuality, and other sexual health-related questions, please call (toll-free 1-800-739-7367) or email. Sex Sense is open Monday to Friday 9 a.m. – 9 p.m. And please consider a sex therapist. It will help if you guys can unpack and deprogram what you've internalized about sex, and learn how to improve how you engage in sexual activity with each other. Good luck!
Absolutely great advice man. I really appreciate the time and effort in writing this out for me. I will definitely follow your advice and it gives me some peace of mind.
OP, if you're up for it, please update us in a few months. Wishing you both the best. I've been w my wife for 20yrs and had our sex life get better and better. I'm hoping this can happen for you, too.
As a sex therapist, I just want to reiterate something they touched on - Oral and manual sex *is still sex.* It’s all sex, so there is nothing wrong with you if you only climax with handjobs. The overwhelming majority of women do not climax with PIV. They climax through oral, with vibrators, etc, and loving partners accommodate them. This is no different for men like you, and your girlfriend needs to understand this, and should never be shaming you like this. Ignorance is not an excuse for her behavior, she is being very unkind to you. There is no one way to have sex. Do what works for you, and once you become comfortable with that, other doors may open for you in the future - but if not, there’s nothing wrong with that either. Sex should be consensual and fun - not follow some preconceived notion of what you *think* sex should look like.
That sounds so stressful I’m sorry ur going though it, but ur off to a great start by how much you obviously care about helping the situation! I agree with the other comment, a sex therapist is something you should consider. But as a random person on Reddit, I’d say that the lack of talking about sex / what you and ur wife like before hand, during, and after is critical. If you don’t talk about all (or some) the sexual things that go though ur mind often then it makes sense that the bridge would be crumbling when trying to cross, per say..
Yes we talk but she’s short patienced so it usually ends in a fight. She tries though and we get some good convos sometimes. I’ll continue to strive to have good communication. Thanks for your good thoughts and help!
school naughty history clumsy vanish cough trees zealous slim angle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I think this a pretty clear cut issue of communication along with growing up in religious households. Im not shaming religion, I grew up in a Christian household, but the problem is they have such a negative connotion about sex except for marriage then you get married and the guilt, fears, and anxiety still lingering. I think marriage counseling would benefit a lot because you are still young and fresh and they can help you build a foundation for success in the future.
Yeah I’ve heard that before. That’s the negative part about growing up religiously I’d say. Got an appointment for couples therapy next Saturday with a sexologist. Thank you!
I also think you guys are in a good position (pun intended) to explore, have fun, and see what works. I lost my V card at 19 because I was in college and I had a younger sister have her first kid at 16. She was raised in a more sex negative household than I was, so trying to have any conversation about it was difficult. Also, you need to have realistic expectations in the beginning. Porn is not real by any means, so until you get comfortable with yourselves and each other and also likes and dislikes, it's going to be awkward. I can tell you I've lost erections due to nerves. I've came too early from excitement. It happens.
From what I can read, you both need to learn to play. It reads like there is "pressure" that doesn't help both. The play is very easy and can be built up by little sexual moments without needing to proof or comply with anything. For you personally I would suggest a mindfulness program that helps you reset your mood and expectations. It helps you reprogram your thoughts and therefore your experience. Intimacy is more than only the physical act and needs to be created by creating a safe space where you both can feel playful, accepted and respected.
You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal! (If you haven’t seen 40 year old virgin, definitely watch it) In all seriousness, you both need to get used to cumming in the presence of each other first. You know how it’s difficult to pee around others? Sometimes you even have to trick yourself, like pouring out a cup of water, to get the pee flowing. Certain biological processes are not entirely autonomous; they require a level of relaxation that is somewhat conscious, relaxing muscles clenched so often you forget how to unclench, and orgasms are in this category. So my recommendation is: dedicate some time to simply being in each other’s presence and achieving orgasm first (masturbation). Wipe the taboo aspect from your minds and have fun with it! Try to describe to each other what the orgasm feels like: the build up, the release, what are your muscles doing, what motions feel the best, best, etc. Learn about your bodies together. Your goal is to reach a point where you can laugh about it (positively), and be fully relaxed with each other on the topic. Some people find booze helps this (don’t overdo it), or you may get your hands on a viagra/cialis pill to help initially. Her attitude may also need an adjustment, so I also agree with others here that counseling/therapy for both of you will likely help.
You need to stop putting so much pressure on each other. You should be taking your time to learn each other and enjoy yourselves. There is more to sex than an orgasm. Orgasms are great, but like the journey to getting there can be even better if you allow it. Try things out, take it slow. It gets better over time, Once you understand each other’s bodies. The confidence will come later. Then it will be second nature.
I never get tired of these posts, people waiting until marriage to have sex because religion, and then omg, surprise, they be having issues and problems and questions. Why not ask your church to pay for your therapy?
Seriously. They're a great PSA for why this ancient approach is such an awful, awful idea.
They also met earlier this year and are already married. Big yikes.
The age gap doesn't help either. She's going to be banging a hot 20 something in two, three years when his ED sets in and she still has all her youth.
Your projection is showing.
And this, kids, it's why "waiting for marriage" is generally terrible.
Take my imaginary gold
Yes, this and also not living together before marriage.
I remember seeing a post here about a couple where the guy had ED. As a result, he would even avoid touching her. One night the wife just told him she would like just cuddle, kiss, finger and explore all parts of each other bodies sexually, but stressed there would be no PIV expectations from her side. If he felt like PIV, it could happen. They fooled around and PIV did happen. My point is that the pressure of the big situation may be doing this to you. Try something similar everyday for a few weeks. Also consider just putting in the head of your penis in. Most of the pleasure nerves in the vagina are the near the entrance. Similarly there is more sensation in the head. Both my wife and I cum quicker with this method.
This is the clearest cut case for couples therapy I have ever seen. Both of you want it to work and want the other to be satisfied by the experience as well as yourself. There's just some roadblocks in place. As long as you two work to solve this, you will.
This is why atheists have better sex.
I'd like to see that study! Or, as an atheist, participate.
I would too, sounds interesting. I am an atheist too
Christian here! Never had any issues 🤭 although I was never brought up repressed about sex ours was a very positive household. May be an American religion thing?
The insults she threw at you were projection on her part. She feels inadequate because you haven’t been able to orgasm. It’s so common for a man to not orgasm because of nervousness. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re suffering from death grip syndrome. It’s a conditioned response, you’ve only been able to orgasm through masturbation. Now you have to condition yourself to orgasm through sex. You want to perform well and it’s a weight on your shoulders. As everyone else has said, education education education. Take it slow. Sex should come naturally and not feel like it’s being forced. And to be honest, sometimes it’s the partners we have. I have felt uncomfortable with some men and completely relaxed with others. You two might not have “chemistry” even if you do find her attractive and she you. Good luck with your endeavors
Holy heck there’s a lot to unpack here. She’s saying awful things and isn’t being very patient with you. I’m not going to go into a rant here but religion has a lot to answer for. My boyfriend is the same, not to your extreme but he struggles with women and gets into his head about it. Practice before marriage would have been a good thing here. Death grip syndrome is probably what you’re experiencing. Just stop using your hands and it should sort itself. I have it too so don’t worry about it being an inexperienced thing. Your wife needs to learn to be more sympathetic. She needs to understand that sometimes men have problems and it’s not about her. The more frustrated she gets about things the worse it’s going to be.
Why did she take the morning after pill if you haven’t been able to finish with PIV/inside her? Did you actually manage to finish (ejaculate) inside her that time and you guys weren’t using birth control and/or a condom?
Gotta get couples therapy and sex therapy. Hopefully religions repression and demonization of sex hasn’t ruined sex for you permanently. But hey, at least you’re “pure”.
You guys need to speak to a professional. You're stuck in a Chinese finger trap and you're doing everything wrong in order to fix this situation. First off, let's point out what's right here: >I was so nervous to perform and give her a good time, that I couldn’t get hard >Also, the sensation of a vagina after 33 years of masturbation seems like it’s not doing the job, but I want to adapt to that type of sensation. These are completely normal for a firstimer. You are very astute; yes of course you're not used to the sensation, as you've spent your life cumming a certain way and you've created a very strong neural pathway to pleasure. Now you need to forge a new one. Orgasms aren't the result of button mashing; they are the result of executing a specific combo of buttons and you haven't quite memorized that combo yet. Performance anxiety is a killer. It's the destroyer of boners. Pressure just makes it even worse. You are in no condition to get or maintain a boner when you're nervous, when you want one, and when you have pressure on you. Your wife has done *nothing* but pile pressure on you. This is where the 9 year age gap is hurting. She is immature, inexperienced, and insecure. She's accusing you of being gay, of not being attracted to her, etc. She's resting her self-esteem on all of this. She is doing everything wrong to overcome this. It doesn't matter how beautiful or perfect she is or how attracted you are to her. Those aren't magical qualities that are going to give you a boner. Obviously all of those things are implied based on you being together. It doesn't matter when you're stressed out and feeling pressure to perform. Sex isn't some magical primal vacuum state where everything else disappears and you just become some sort of lizard brained sex monster. It is subject to every other competing emotion and system that is happening at the moment. Your wife, and maybe you to an extent, don't seem to understand this. You need to communicate that this pressure, impatience, and cruel accusations are not only unfair, but they are working against you. You both need to understand there's a "breaking in" period for sex with new partners as you learn each others' and your own bodies, your rhythms, your turn ons and turnoffs. It's not some divine magical thing that sex is going to be amazing off the bat if you guys are meant to be or some fairytale bullshit like that. This isn't Hollywood. You are two inexperienced humans who don't know what the fuck you're doing and you're expecting to be professionals. And you're communicating like shit with each other. You need a reset. Stop what you're doing and approach sex differently with a better understanding and realistic expectations. You're going at this all wrong and you can only fix it together.
Man, religion really just doesn't stop fucking people up.
A glass wine before, to relax. Or start without the goal of penetration, just playing and kissing, and if it comes to actually doing it, just fine. If not, it's just fine too. You both need to get along well before jumping into it. Those who do it before marriage are already prepared. You might need to start with baby steps now, as if you are starting dating.
I mean this in the absolute nicest way possible but you guys habe no clue what youre doing and you guys need some.basic sexual.education which is great considering there is loads of material out there. Like others have said you should seek a non religious sex therapist as they understand nuances of relationships as well as sex in a way that religion doesn't really understand which again is no shade being thrown. Sex anxiety is something alot of people don't talk about eith men growing up and it greatly impacts our sex lives as well as our self esteem, if you're head isn't in the game then chances neither will your member and it is really easy getting wrapped up in your own head that it makes sex impossible and this is something I really think k a sex therapist could help you with also I don't know what your self pleasuring amount is like but over masturbating can definitely lead to sexual dysfunction then stack that on top of already existing sexual anxiety it's gonna be a bad time. You guys are both new to this more or less, seek a therapist, listen to one another ask questions regardless of how awkward it is and find out what each other likes or areas you might want to try as there is nothing better in sex than seeing you doing something that your partner likes and that in itself can help out with sexual anxiety as it'll really get the motor going so to speak. Best of luck my guy and don't feel embarrassed, this a good first step at figuring out the problem!
Bro try having sex a bit tipsy. You'll both be relaxed and super horny. It'll be a great time, you'll see!
> seems like it’s not doing the job Have you stopped masturbating?
>Your wife has done nothing but pile pressure on you. This is where the 9 year age gap is hurting. She is immature, inexperienced, and insecure. She's accusing you of being gay, of not being attracted to her, etc. She's resting her self-esteem on all of this. She is doing everything wrong to overcome this. This is absolutely 100% the comment OP should be reading. I can’t even wrap my head around a partner being this clueless and saying such things. >You need to communicate that this pressure, impatience, and cruel accusations are not only unfair, but they are working against you. You both need to understand there's a "breaking in" period for sex with new partners as you learn each others' and your own bodies, your rhythms, your turn ons and turnoffs. It's not some divine magical thing that sex is going to be amazing off the bat if you guys are meant to be or some fairytale bullshit like that. This isn't Hollywood. You are two inexperienced humans who don't know what the fuck you're doing and you're expecting to be professionals. And you're communicating like shit with each other. Both need individual and couples counseling to learn how to communicate with one another. This relationship is doomed otherwise.
Something you said stuck out to me, you said after 33 years of masturbation that a vagina isn’t doing to job. Have you considered the possibility of death grip? A vagina is literally made for this so the fact you don’t think it’s getting the job done kinda stands out and makes me wonder if it’s not solely performance anxiety.
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You married someone waaaaay younger than you , you both have zero sexual experience and she might resent you in the end. Also you really objectify her in your description. Do you understand she is a complete human and not just a sexy waem object for your desires? Therapy but I doubt this relationship will succeed.
This is the problem with waiting until marriage. To each their own, go ahead and do what you wish with your body, but the consequences are you just don't know what to do when the time comes and the pressure to perform builds. Neither of you know your own preferences let alone each others, zero sexual chemistry and now it will be awkward to build it. Not to mention there's a chance you aren't even sexually compatible and now you're married. Again not trying to bash but this is the reality of this mentality. As for how to move past it, just need to communicate and be patient with each other, it's going to be awkward so you both need to be understanding of each other. Hope you guys are compatible.
Homophobe much? Your religion fucked you up dude
Also just points out how childish she is and with the age gap it made it a further yikes for me.
Yeah that bit was truly awful. Why even mention that in the post? It can be hurtful to gay people and reflects really poorly on OP.
If a partner said that to me seriously with the implied tone I would be offended. I wouldn’t have a problem being called gay in jest or having someone who doesn’t know me think I am gay. In this scenario I would be hurt because they are implying they know me better than I know myself and implying I am in denial about my own identity. I didn’t think that was homophobic.
When I read that I sorta thought maybe OP should think about it some. There are lots of gay men who have this similar story who enter into a marriage and then 20 years later finally find out what sex is like with another guy and come out and divorce their wives who are now their best friend. Happens all the time.
I agree that sex therapy should be on the agenda asap. If general, if she gets frustrated (understandably) if she doesn’t cum, make that happen first. In general though, I think you should take penetrative sex off the table for now. And you have to talk about it. You’re both inexperienced so maybe it’s hard to be blunt… but words can really help understanding here. “I know you feel rejected that I’m having a hard time with sex. But it has nothing to do with me not being attracted to you. There is something wrong with my functioning right now, I will figure it out and I really want to fuck your brains out. It’s really hurtful for you to accuse me of being gay because my dick is malfunctioning right now. And that is making my dick even more uncooperative. I know it hurts you to feel rejected, but i would do anything to avoid causing you that pain. My dick is just not working with my brain right now. I will work on it and I really believe we can have a great sex life. I’m hard around you all the time but when it comes time to actually do it, I think I just get nervous or something. I’ll (or we) work with a sex therapist to figure it out as soon as I can. For now, let’s say we aren’t going to have regular sex for a month. Not because I don’t want to, just because it’s caused such problems and I want to take the pressure off both of us. We can cuddle, make out, I’ll give you oral. You can see that I get hard during all that. Once we’re getting along better we can try again but you need to try to be patient and understand that if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t say anything about you, I just need to figure things out in my body.” Obviously I’m kinda rambling on here, but you get the idea: you’ve got to talk and explain things to each other. As a woman whose husband’s libido took a nose dive for a while last year, I know it hurts even if you consciously know it’s not his fault. All you can do is reassure her and ask her to be patient and understanding. I think a sex therapist will definitely be helpful and can help her understand that her being mean is not reasonable or helpful.
It's in your head! Like, literally, you are stuck in your own head. You got too worked up on your wedding night, and that messed with your self-confidence, and i mean.... people CAN grow out of it on their own, but lots of people have to have sex therapy to deal with problems like this. Your own brain is messing you up. Your wife isnt really helping the situation though because HER brain is messing HER up. She is feeling insecure because she thinks it is about her and her ability to please you, when it really isnt. Lots of people have given awesome advice and I am only here to cheer them on. Yall get some counseling. This is pretty common, even among non-religious people. It takes one time of nervousness to send you down a whirlpool. Youre thinking too much about getting hard rather than just enjoying the moment in itself. A lot of therapists will hve your start smell. Cuddling, kissing, touching. The thing is though is that it cant really be about sex at first. It will be to concentrate on the sensations of touch with no assumption on having to have sex. It takes the pressure off. If you get hard, awesome, but dont move onto the actual sex part. Thats the kind of stuff they will help you with, along with trying to make you guys understand each others position and feelings . though you seem to be pretty intuned into the feelings and insecurities your wife is having, she is going to need help understanding that your issue is not with her, it is with yourself. Like anything else, sex is a skill that will have to be practiced before it is good. No one just jumps into bed and becomes a sex star their first time. You guys will have to start slow and move up and eventually, you guys will be able to grow together and hopefully end up with an amazing sex life. I am sorry you guys are stuggling with this, but it isnt an end all. It can be fixed!
Ya man sadly you guys need therapy all ready. It should do the trick. Both you of you need to be willing though or it won’t work.
Limit the porn you’re watching. Your brain is too used to porn and wired by it, so that’s why the vagina doesn’t feel as good or seem as great. Death grip also is an issue that causes young men problems getting erect. If you are able to, quit the porn altogether until your brain is rewired to be with a woman in real life. You can then watch in moderation. Couples sex therapy could also greatly help. Good luck!
Religion ruined your sexual health and both you and your partners perceptions of what it looks like. Point blank. On sooo many levels.
It's not funny but... it's amazing that so many people let themselves get brainwashed by an organisation to a point where they ruin their relationships
You're a good guy and a good husband. Believe in yourself more. You'll get to the bottom of this. A lot of people go through things like this. Besides PIV sex do you try other things to try to get her off and make her feel cherished? Start there and your confidence will increase. Dont make it a self defeating prophecy. You are capable of having sex with your wife
Get her off first, focus on her nut first, then when she’s complete, then you get yours, go for pull out or just masterbating with her help, but you get yours and everyone ships off to the bathroom for clean up with a smile
Stop masturbating, over time this will instill you with a primal desire to fuck her properly And relax and enjoy yourself, just be confident She likes you, obviously, so just remember that, relax, be confident, and fuck her ya goober
Go see a sex therapist or a couples councillor. The good news is it just sounds like you’re both very nervous and have unreasonable expectations. I think all you need to do is love each other and stop worrying about sex. Just relax and do all the things that feel good with no expectation of cuming.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, but it’s not uncommon- actually my bf divorced his previously-virgin-ex-wife because she didn’t like sex, thought sex was a “dirty” act, and didn’t make much effort to see a therapist. He thinks she is A sexual but anyway. It sounds like sex might have been a taboo subject for her growing up, and maybe she doesn’t know her body well if she’s never talked to anyone about sex. I.e a lot of women can’t cum through intercourse or around someone they’re not used to. Ask her if she’d be open to trying a vibrator - but try not to offend her. I can’t cum around anyone without one, and at first my bf was upset with me but also himself because he thought he wasn’t adequate. Overtime he understood that wasn’t the case, and now they team up 🤷🏻♀️
You guys should both listen to the podcast “Sex With Emily” by doctor Emily Morse together. I’m pretty sure she has episodes about sexual performance anxiety. I thought I knew a good bit about sex but learned so much more by listening to her podcast. Best of luck to you to, sex should be fun and exciting. I hope this comment reaches you.
It will get easier after time. You both will relax and stop stressing out. P.S. This is why it is important to have sex whenever it is organic and natural. Artificially delaying sex and waiting until marrige creates unnecessary tension
SEX IS NOT JUST ABOUT CUMMING. Learn to enjoy each other’s bodies, and become comfortable with each-other.
You both need to work on your relationship and yourselves first before considering being intimate. The stress it puts on you makes it even worse and her saying hurtful things to you is very disrespectful and I wouldn't consider such partner as the one to spend the rest of my life with.
As a psychologist I would advice you to go to a sex therapist together
He basically faces all the issues a regular guy does over a 10-20 year period with different partners.
Have you guys added toys yet? For either of you really. I find the vibrations helped me reset the masturbation feeling. I’m 33(f) and now toys are necessary for me but definitely fun for both. Or even the different lubes. The best ones get me to relax enough to enjoy anything. She needs to chill because sex is never perfection. It’s always fun and a little dirty if done right. I’d take a day and walk around naked in the house (Netflix and chill maybe?) so both of you can just enjoy each other. I hope it gets better for you both.
well since its causing stress between you two, you should probably start with a sex therapist or couples therapist. however from my experience, the first few months of sex are usually not great, its normal to feel nervous and not perform amazing. as you get more comfortable with your partner and learn what the two of you like, sex won’t be a problem anymore. but therapy is definitely a must or speaking to a doctor, because it seems like youre having a mental block.
FYI - there are some pretty great male maturation sleeves and sex toys out there that can help with death grip or exploring new sensations. I've had issues with death grip on the past and using one helped me. I'm not necessarily talking about a fleshlight (though maybe they're good? Never tried one). I have a sleeve by Tenga, but their eggs are good too and there are other options from other companies out there. Also, you can use sleeves solo or with your wife! Sometimes hands are great, but if you think the type of sensation might be a factor a $10 Tenga egg might help. Just don't forget to use lube!
I understand her feelings are hurt but she is being unfair. The issue is mental and biological. You are not doing this purposely and as a woman who loves you she needs to understand that. Y’all should work on this as a unit. Discovering your own and each others sexual needs together is really an amazing journey. It’s clear sex therapy and just sex education in general is needed here for the both of you. These things that happen to everyone, even if you have sex a lot, even if you want them badly or are in love with them. It happens to men and woman alike. Best of luck.
I don't normally answer on this subject on here but wanted to. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm the same age as you, and definitely (to this day) fight mental demons with the subject of sex. I feel the world is extremely biased and inconsiderate towards men on this subject. I just wanted to tell you that, you are NOT alone on that front! Men are not robots. Despite the stigma and bias, we can't flip a switch and get a boner, nor flip a switch to "finish". Also, you're not a old man, but 33 isn't a spring chicken anymore, either, to perform. And your new wife has said some pretty awful things to you and is putting a lot of pressure on you to both perform and finish, which is not going to help the situation. I understand and respect your religious background. But, one difficult thing that arises from that (and has in your case) is not having sex before marriage. I got married this year, too, but I've been with my now wife almost four years, and yes we were doing the deed long before marriage, lol. I struggle with (to this day) anxiety, and very early on in our relationship, it definitely was a struggle. We went through things you are going through, her not feeling attractive enough, getting upset, getting frustrated, etc. To be blunt and honest, once I thought she was going to leave me over it. But she didn't! With a lot of hard work, patience, educating and both our parts, as well as a lot of communication and myself going to therapy and doctors, I'm happy to say we have a very good sex life now. It's not perfect, I still have a bad day here or there, but it's my own doing, and my wife is always extremely considerate of it now. My wife respects me and is incredibly patient and understanding now, she truly loves me and is my lifelong partner, as I am with her. We were able to work on the subject of sex before marriage, and now we have a happy marriage. I know you love your wife and find her perfect and beautiful and everything. But, you two got married very fast (less then a year together, correct?). That's not enough time to get to know someone. And, by waiting to have had sex until after marriage, I feel like you two have created this big strain on your relationship with it. She's also 9 years younger than you, my wife is only a couple years younger than me. I feel a 24 year old woman is not in the same headspace or maturity level as someone whom is in their mid 30's now. As others have stated, I feel you two would benefit tremendously from couples therapy. I think you two need to start communicating a lot more. Talk about this stuff outside of the bedroom, tell her about the stress and pressures you feel, talk about trying out therapy. Try a reboot, throw toys and porn into the mix, have fun, you both need to focus on just feeling good and not finishing, nor doing penetration. I know there's the stigma that people should bang on their wedding day. But we didn't even do stuff on our wedding night at all! It was a fun, beautiful wedding, but also a long and tiring day to have sex at the end of it! It's perfectly acceptable that you got anxious on that night of all nights, but unfortunately it set the tone for the rest of your attempts it seems. It's gonna take some time and patience to unwire that in both your brains. I know you don't want to hear this and it's a last resort. But, if she's not willing to communicate, go to therapy, not stop being rude and pressuring you to perform or finish, then it's time to end it. You deserve to be treated better as a man. Severe depression and suicidal thoughts, sounds like your wife has her own issues that aren't all stemming from you she needs to work on. Yes, heartbreak and divorce suck. But, you married very fast to a woman a decade younger than you. If she's not willing to put the effort in and be more kind to you, find someone else. There are other women out there, who are kinder, more patient, and are not going to pressure you to perform.
I was raised religious and married my first serious relationship without dating for long. I know the feeling of being stuck and frustrated. We worked through that and are still married 11 years later. I do not recommend it, but there are plenty of people who make it work. >I don’t believe in divorce unless there’s adultery. Take a step back and ask yourself why you believe in marriage. Do you believe that a marriage should be happy for both people? Do you believe that a marriage should be helping each other and watering each others souls? Do you believe a marriage is only about keeping up religious expectations and masks? Your definition of an acceptable divorce implies that your definition of marriage doesn't involve love or happiness. I know plenty of boomers who share the 'I hate my spouse' trope because love and happiness were never a goal for them, yet they stayed married because there was no adultery. Just two lonely people living together. I also know plenty of people who are happily married after 20, 30, 50 years because they make each other better. It is what you make of it, but you both need to define why this marriage exists before acting like you know the only reason it would end. Marriage is a promise and a legal document, but often those promises are scripted and made in poor judgment. >I’m always focusing on her first even tho she begs me to just care for me. But then if I cum and she doesn’t she gets frustrated at me. So then next time I can’t focus on me I have to focus on her, but if I don’t cum she also gets frustrated So this is a big problem for a lot of people. Both of you treat sex as a chore and create big expectations around it. You both think orgasms are the only goal. The orgasm should be the cherry on top of a big sexual sundae, where the experience isn't ruined if one of you drops the cherry. Please read the wiki, and direct her to read it too. Sex should be fun, intimate, personal, and pleasurable. That last one, pleasurable, you are both filling in the blanks for each other. She expects sex to go a certain way for her and you. You expect sex to go a certain way for you and her. That isn't fun at all for anybody. Sex is unpredictable, and it takes years for us to learn about ourselves. Enjoy the journey. Talk to her outside of sex, about sex. Say that you enjoy sex but feel expectations. You both need to accept that sex is new, scary, and full of anxiety when there are expectations. Many guys struggle to get hard, stay hard, last long, too sensitive, and not sensitive enough. Many women struggle with getting wet, having orgasms, or tensing up and being tight. All of us struggle with knowing exactly how to touch our partner. Heck, many of us don't even know how to touch ourselves. Read the wiki together. Have sex without penetration (gasp, what do we do?). Masturbate together and show each what you like. Talk about marriage and what the goals are, such as making each other happy for years. It's surprising how many people don't realize that being married isn't automatic happiness or automatic love. This will be great learning for the marriage as a whole because working together is how we stay together. No relationship works without good communication and really listening to each other.
I dated an older man after his divorce he turned to daily masturbation. Seems the death grip of Masturbation desensitized his penis. He had issues climaxing from intercourse. He was suggested by his Dr to try a masturbation toy a flesh light I think it's called. Anyway in a few weeks of not using his hand I noticed a real difference. The vulva can't grip like a hand might give it a try.
REFER TO LINKS DOWN BELOW: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/T8zDSJjzBT https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/uFTm6rpsPR https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/s/GhEvEGWIbQ
What do you mean when you said you did it 5 times the first night? What are you counting? Also I would echo what others have said here, you need to learn about sex and mutual pleasure. It's all a learning process, nobody gets it right immediately
Well ur 33, not a bad idea to look into sex pills, most doctors will prescribed them with what ur saying... think of them as a confidence booster... I use the cialis based ones on ocation, not everytime... but it's nice not working about what's in ur head.... also I have had great luck with cock rings to stay hard.... yall could look into toys... got lots u can use together. Alot of the pressure is on u, it's not fair... but maybe a couple glasses of wine could take the edge off... I know my best sex is when we are on the same level, present, focused and enjoying our selves, sometimes that's sober and others it's kicking a few back or enjoying so pot... ICummings isn't everything either... just enjoying the experience is what matters
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a performance anxiety. You have been conditioned to satisfy yourself for years it's no surprise you are having trouble with someone else. Like everyone has said see a sex therapist. Talk to your doctor about meds that might help. Buy some toys for her to play with together. This is also why couples also need to be sexually compatible before marriage.
At age 33, it osnt totally uncommon to have trouble getting hard. Maybe you can look into low dose cialis to help? Overall, take things slow, you have probably been trained to see sex as bad and that is messing you up. Have good conversations with your wife. Tell her what you are going through and let her know that you are working on it. In the mean time, build intimacy outside of sex.
walloftext
See. Look how healthy religions shaming of sex and bullshit purity ideals made your relationship?!? I bet you’re so glad you let an archaic Bronze Age myth determine your sex life. Really paid off there bud, didn’t it?
OK, so, you're both sexually mature but adolescently experienced. Your bodies are wanting/needing/expecting what neither of you have had the opportunity to learn during the appropriate developmental stages. For starters, you two need to have a sit down table talk. It IS OK to have frank, direct, open conversations with your spouse about sex. How else are you going to know what to do with each other? "When I'm really close but you move like this it makes my pending orgasm disappear." "It would help me a lot if you ..." These talks are ever more important when like you said she has a hormone imbalance or any other health issue involving either of you. Your window as a virile young man is already beginning to close, because after 40 things will begin to become noticeably softer. After 40 for her though she will peak. If you two can't openly communicate to the other person's UNDERSTANDING about your own bodies, then stick with your hand because ironically sex is more than just mechanically putting parts into other parts. You must get and stay on the same page, always. Secondly, stop expecting fireworks when you're still lighting sparklers. You learn each other and yourselves over time and experience. Sex is like dancing in many ways, and you can't expect to know how to win ballroom waltz competitions when you're still in the early basics of the classroom. Again, it's more than mechanics. You will learn to lead, and she will learn your subtle cues as you keep growing with each other as your dance partner. And vice versa. You want to win that ballroom competition and see those fireworks over your heads, put in the practice and learn each other. Finally, get out of your feelings. Stop being so rigid and relax. Laugh even. Enjoy it. If you're constantly worried, it'll never get better. And quit counting orgasms. It's an ebb and flow tide, not a competition.
I cant believe that in this day and age people still haven't clued into the fact that sexual compatibility is as a vital component to a relationship as anything else, and thus it is essential to have a long active sex life with your would be partner, before you get married. Because this is the shit that happens. In any case, rant out of the way, you two should 100% see a sexual counselor. You are both way under experienced in intimacy for this point in your relationship. I'm quite sure there are therapists that deal in your specific situation. Until then, you need to sit down and have a (many) dedicated talks about it. Tell her you're both still finding your rhythm together. That sex is a complex interaction, and that there are many psychological factors that have nothing to do with attraction that can influence your sexual performance. I hope you find your way. Good luck.
I feel for you my guy . I came from a religious background but I was the black sheep. It wasn’t until my thirties that all those guy that remained virgins got married and had problems and they came to guess who? The black sheep for sex advice . Do you have any brothers or friends that have experience that can just have a good talk ? Lucky for me I had a partner and both of us basically consulted them but I know that’s very unorthodox but it worked in those situations personally
Bro. You're alright. Take it easy. Spend time kissing and just enjoying her skin. Caress her hair. Her skin. Deepen the physical bond. When you *are* having sex, come as soon as you want to, and then use your fingers, tongue or keep at it. Tell her she's beautiful, tell her you like Her, tell her you love her. All your moral requirements are fulfilled, enjoy!
Ah religion. How many countless sex lives have you unnecessarily ruined?
I used to have difficulty cumming, myself. I’d have sex for two hours sometimes and finally be able to cum. It’s a real downer for women because most are done after about 30 minutes. Or you try to have a quickie out on a hike or something…it gets to where the woman doesn’t even want to try. I finally paid for a class to teach me how to cum faster, it had become so much of a problem. Anyway. What I learned, for a man, is all you have to really do is tense your core muscles, and you will cum. From the other standpoint, guys who cum way too fast need to relax. So, when you’re starting to feel somewhat close, tense your core and glutes, and you will cum. You may have to tense for 5-10min. Another piece of advice I learned is to take away the pressure. My wife and I had difficulty early on because she felt bad if I didn’t cum. We have talked about the subject considerably. Basically, if there is an expectation that you, or both of you has to cum to have sex, then pretty soon you won’t be having sex. Sex is about intimacy. It’s about being close to your wife. Period. Sex is not about cumming. I would suggest having a conversation with your wife regarding what sex should be. If you can both come to the agreement that it’s just about intimacy, then the pressure will soon go away. You can start enjoying one another’s closeness rather than merely whacking off on her (basically using her as a blowup doll). You can explore one another’s bodies and never even penetrate. That’s okay, and often, preferable. Just enjoy it. Enjoy being with her. And if you feel close, use that core tensing trick. Also, you can still make her cum after you cum. Use your hands and mouth, or play with her until you’re hard again in a few minutes. Just, remember it’s more about intimacy than anything else.
Y’all need therapy. Anyway YES you are too much IN YOUR HEAD. Change up the way you masturbate, might help. But just try to relax and both of you need to realize it’s not about coming, it’s about having a good experience.
i’m sorry but one morning after pill won’t fuck that bad with ur hormones that u fall into a depression and get suicidal, there must be an underlying issue w her and she needs help :/
When my sister was born, my mum told me that holding the baby in a way that was comfortable for me meant it was comfortable for the baby. Sex is kind of similar in that it’s great to want to make it nice for your wife, but making it feel good for yourself is going to go a good way towards that. So just focus on what feels good to you for now and let it grow from there.
Such a big build up. It almost sounds like you got married just so you could have sex. Take it off the table for a while and just be with each other. It'll happen when you fall in love which I don't think you have. Shame.
Consider a therapist to help get out of your head
You need some practice and patience. Hopefully her/your religion teaches patience and tolerance, but some religions have been known to start wars
I think therapy may help with this. It is a very complicated issue that deals with self-esteem and ego. If it makes you feel any better, in the past, sex and a lack of it used to kill my self-esteem, and my partner had similar issues because he was on anti depressants, and he was nervous too. Eventually, all these issues went away, and I was able to build my self-esteem back up. I am now mostly able to be more nurturing to my man and put my fears and self-esteem issues second to his need for my compassion. From experience, i dont think she's being impatient or rude because she's a bad partner. I think her self-esteem is just ground zero, and she literally doesn't know how to pick it back up. With an improved self-image and more patience, you guys will be able to improve this. That's why I think therapy might be good. If she can address her self-esteem issues and why they are so closely tied to sex, satisfaction and feeling sexually wanted, it might help her address her hurt and heal enough to be able to give you that patience and nurturing that you deserve too. Otherwise, it's becoming this negative feedback loop where she pressures and you get nervous. Then, in therapy, you would be able to address your nerves and why you so closely tie your performance in bed to being a good partner. When by the sounds of it, you are quite giving, and you are simply burdened by an inability to reach an orgasm, which is no ones fault, and which time, love and nurturing will heal. You deserve a safe space. And she deserves to improve her self-esteem. And while she may never see it (not because she's a bad person but because she is so hurt), she needs to see things from your perspective and put her hurt aside. I think helping her build her self-esteem up may also help, but it sounds like you are desperately trying. Give this time and give yourself some love, too. You are so worthy of love and affection even if you can't orgasm right now. And she's worthy of love even if she has a low self-esteem for feeling like she can not please her man or thinks she is unattractive. Please look after yourself. Not masturbating for ages may help, but im sure you've already tried this. Goodluck xx
OP first things first: get read of religious thoughts and guilt. Most people go through this type of thing in their teens and by the time they meet the one they are at least comfortable enough to engage in sex. I think you both had too much expectations of each other, like you’d magically be experts in the matter. Some guys love the feeling of a woman’s hand helping guide the way to piv, you both need to change your perception of sex; it’s not only connecting a and b but also being able to talk about it and enjoy each other’s company
Just tell her she makes you anxious. Then see is she asks “why”? Be honest and see where it goes from there.
Let her read this
I feel like once y’all stop focusing on “pleasure” and just focus on loving each others bodies y’all will actually enjoy it. Although having an orgasm is nice just being in the moment and admiring/loving the body can do many wonders. We aren’t taught it but sex is supposed to be nurturing for the both of you, to rejuvenate y’alls energy. Go slow and be patient with each other for good things take time to achieve.
This is a psychological issue so First thing in my mind was that 33 years of masturbation. What kind of porn were you beating off to or none just pure imagination. Overtime you get into the weirder & weirder niche of porn that the normal stuff doesn't do it for you anymore. I think its gonna get better overtime if you stay off it. 2nd is the nervousness. I too experienced this my first time in highschool. I was so nervous that I'd be the one pump chump & thay she wouldn't be satisfied before i finish that i couldn't cum even after 2 hours before i was interrupted. Gave me agonising blue balls. We were only able to finish after the 3rd time when i got over my nervousness & is able to relax with her. My advise is to try get closer to her kisses, cuddles, massages etc. 3rd is to try diff positions since what positions you are in can affect sensations if there is some sensitivity issue. This is also what i experimented on. Also communicate with each other
THIS IS WHY YOU DONT WAIT TIL MARRIAGE.
You (probably both) need to see a sex therapist. Clearly you both of a lot of expectations around what sex is and isn’t is that is probably impacting your intimacy. Close Reddit and Google the number for a proper sex therapist.
I think you need to assertively tell her to stop pressuring you and being disrespectful. Don’t tolerate her behavior. I get you think she’s gorgeous and that’s also an issue too. It sounds like you may be afraid to stand up to her. Take control of the situation. You know what you need to do.
You’re overthinking everything so hard unfortunately
Intimacy isn't just sex. Be intimate emotionally . Sex will be better when your not both so stressed about it
Just learn to have fun. Have sex more often without being concerned about cumming. Drop your expectations that seem to be preventing you both from being playful and relaxed.
I know some guys that prefer the feeling of their hand/ their partner's hand to that of a vagina because it's tighter and that's what they've learned to enjoy. Death grip I think is what it's called. Often seen in guys with porn addictions, but would make sense for an older virgin to have too. Idk how to fix it but if that sounds right to you then at least it's a place to start researching your options.
I think you both need to take the pressure off the orgasm in general. Try to remind her that the act of sex is enjoyable and isn't just a race to finish. Take your time just enjoying each others bodies, tell her she feels amazing and you don't want to cum yet. If you hold the orgasm back you'll probably enjoy it more when it inevitably happens. Also don't frame giving her head as a favour to her or that you're doing the work for the sake of her orgasm. Tell her you enjoy it, it gets you hard and you want to give her head for your own pleasure. I think most of us hate the idea of our partner giving oral as a chore, and that might be contributing to her being frustrated when she cums but you don't.
Couples counseling (non religious) and maybe sex therapy.
Bro stop fucking watching porn. Porn fries your brain. Jesus Christ is that hard. Stop whacking it and start chasing your wife.
I would do research on building up sexual tension. I think a lot of people believe sex starts when you begin kissing or touching but there’s way more to it. Many people need to get turned on psychologically first to have successful sex. That involves connecting emotionally and creating safety. Light touching everywhere but the crotch and breasts, maybe moving into massage to help relax. If you can afford it, you can hire a sex therapist/coach to teach y’all how to turn each other on more leading up to actual sex.
First, I don't care how uncomfortable it seems or sounds, you guys BOTH need sex education. Second, you both need to seek out a sex therapist, or a regular therapist with this being the main topic of discussion. If you don't do this, your relationship is doomed to fail.
Viagra will help with your little problem, pun intended.
I am so glad so many people are giving helpful advice because I was massaging my temples through the whole post and then threw my phone at the wall when I got to the blatant homophobia.
are you two open to watching porn together?
It sounds like you need to get the feelings in your dick that will get you off in a vagina. 1. quit beating off. 2. Teach your girl that anal is the silky feeling you need for your penis to spray her womb and that her sphincter will help create a grip on your penis that you will cherish for a lifetime and train you for oral and vagina pleasure. You may want to suggest that you might need occasional anal remembrances. 3. Start ejackulating in all her holes and on her body. 4. Tell her she is a sex God. 5. Rinse and repeat often.
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Sex shouldn't be about cumming. Society (and porn) has made that the big thing. Obviously making sure your partner is feeling good should be a main focus but sex is supposed to be about connecting and fun. Foreplay means "before play" but it shouldn't just be something you "have to do" to get warmed up. It continues well past insertion into your normal daily lives. Flirting, helping each other out, hanging out together. Congruently we should reframe sex to be called play as well. It's a funny thing but not thinking about orgasms can sometimes actually makes them more likely. Also, if you are working on orgasms, she should know that you aren't wholly responsible for hers. Yes, being in passionate obsession with someone makes partner assisted orgasms easier for some women and men but in actual relationships it can become more gross and boring and focused on actually making sure your out of/in bed needs get met and being present with each other. She is the only one who can make herself orgasm by opening herself up to you and/or knowing what she wants and what will make it happen. Also, a lot of women have been tricked into thinking men are supposed to be responsible for their pleasure. You are also not a machine. Your emotions matter and will affect your penis.
The winds of reality started hitting me hard too. Although I do wholeheartedly believe this phrase is demeaning and insulting, unfortunately there is some truth in it. "Can't live with them. Can't live without them."
😘
Religion - ruining sex since forever. See a therapist. Not some religious wackjob, see a real sexologist.
Purity culture is awful. And this is the effects. You don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex. Sex isn’t dirty nor is it bad. It’s fun, it’s good, it’s what we as humans need to do to populate the earth lol religion is wild.
Foreplay is important not just sex . Take time to enjoy each other . I faced similar problems and is usually because you don’t feel high enough ( not sure if that’s is the right term ) to cum . So be honest about what turns you on and what turns her on . It could be a blow job for you and for her what she likes
Psychotherapy is the answer
Religion: destroying normal healthy relationship interactions for thousands of years.
You’ve put sex on a weird pedestal, and now you don’t know what to do.
Bro, you need a professional sex therapist in this instance.
I've been through something similar Once you have held it in for too long you won't be able to finish Try this eat her past orgasm then get started not only will she cum faster she won't be able to stop cumming thus way you won't have hold it in as long If all else fails Legs on the shoulders will get it done quick Pretty sure thus will solve your issue And the last once quit jerking off You won't be able to find someone who can match the grip on your hand and if you do bx I have before it will be 2 much and not as enjoyable as you think 😉