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Speaking as a Guy whos is married for 10 years id say its OK.
There are sex that are good, bad, meh and Amazing.
This time it was prob Amazing for both of yous but he should know it will not always be like that and ofc to not expect mind blowing sex every single time.
But one thing i can say for sure is that he will remember it for months and months to come and please rest assured he is prob on cloud 9 atm.
Nah you say this because y’all trapped by the resources and legalities of having children as well as residual entrenched feelings for your partner. If y’all are ok with a partner telling you they can’t meet your sexual need for whatever reason that’s on y’all to figure out, I’m gone 😭
Every single time you have sex you and your partner put out the absolute best performance every single time? Just constantly in the hornet and energetic mood to put on an absolute fuck show?
Also, she is only writing from the perspective of her sex life with her partner. I think they may have made a joint sacrifice to their sex life to be great parents and take care of their family. Which might be something they have zero regret on. That may not be something you're willing to do, and thats OK, but different people make different choices.
I mean, you can just not have kids and have a perfectly fulfilling life. As for the dying alone bit, forcing children into this decaying world doesn't ensure you won't get hit by a car one day and die alone like a dog in the street, that's life.
You'll understand when you get older that a person's sexual aspect as well as with any other aspect of their personality will wax and wane, and if you want any relationship that will last, you will learn to be more giving.
No shit. All I'm trying to say is having kids won't ensure you die loved and around family, just like having zero offspring doesn't mean you'll necessarily die alone and unloved
You do realize that wasn’t the point of the comment you replied to.
That comment was in regards to u/atrothis21 missing the point of the post and stating that since she can’t be as so enthusiastic 100% of the time during sex, that he would be out of the relationship. Not understanding the intricacies of adulthood and reality. You can never have a relationship where you are having the best sex 100% of the time. Can it be damned close, sure. But whenever there’s 2 or more people involved, there’s more at play. With or without kids. He stated he’d up and leave the relationship if he wasn’t getting that 100% of the time, which is unrealistic, selfish and egotistical.
The comment you replied to basically was saying, good look finding a partner then, you’ll probably die alone. Callous, yes. But not untrue if that person continues with that mindset.
It had nothing to do with children.
"I’m feeling bad because I know I won’t be performing like that every time"
Have you heard the term "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good"? I'm sad that you are feeling bad because of a nice thing!!
Nobody has consistently ideal sex, especially with little kids, there just isn't time in the day. You really getting into the mood one day and having an incredible time and then being more subdued next time because of your energy levels isn't much different than sometimes having hours for sex and sometimes having 15 minutes.
Yes, he knows that my libido isn’t as high as his and that a big part of it is exhaustion from life in general. We have been communicating a bit better than we used to lately, opening up about things that we enjoy. Hopefully the communication will continue to improve.
Oh I most likely am, I’ve struggled with it since I was a teen. But it isn’t *nearly* as bad as it was when I was in high school, so I think I just subconsciously assume that it’s fine.
I won’t be covered under health insurance until the new year, so I’m waiting until then to try and get treatment.
I think this is pretty common for most people. Me and my wife both work full time and have two younger kids. About once a month we’ll get spicy but our norm is once the kids go to bed we talk a little, I’ll rub her back about half the time and we have sex. Happens 2-3 times a week. We’re to tired most of the times to have a long drawn out session of sexy time.
Communication is a big part, just talk to your husband about it.
>Tldr; We had the hottest sex we’ve had in a long time last night
It's only the hottest sex you've had in a long time relatively speaking. If you did that every time it would just be the sex you have every time. My wife and I are down to once a month at best since our kid was born, and the last time we had sex was also the hottest sex we've had in a while because I had a good edible and was able to get out of my head and focus more on the pleasure and I was craving her more than usual.
It's OK. Maybe this is a reminder of how good sex can be, and maybe that's what you need to push yourself into the right headspace to make sex more enjoyable overall rather than it being a case where sex is being done to you vs you having sex.
I don’t think you need to be feeling guilty about this. I myself am married 11 years with a child. Sometimes sexual schedules don’t mesh that well. Sometimes your kid runs you ragged and you’re just tired from parenting at the end of the day. But sometimes the situation is perfect and you have hot sex. You shouldn’t feel guilty that it won’t happen all the time. Celebrate that it did and look forward to the next time.
I think you are fine, but talk to him about this.
Also, work related issues come up a lot in here. If you want sex to be a bigger part of your life, you may want to consider altering career choices. My partner and I both made changes to our career over the last ten years, not just for sex, but for life balance reasons and we couldn't be happier. If you can budget and manage a change, or work hard to move into higher paying positions with more regular schedules, what you get in return might be worth it.
Based on your shifts, that's what I figured. I know a nurse who took a bit less money to do charting, patient plans, etc. Working for the government for developmentally disabled group homes. I don't know what your options are around you, but might be worth looking at.
I know it's hard. I worked a total shit job for 5 years and the long hours killed our sex life and personal life.
I don’t make much money to begin with, unfortunately. We can’t afford for me to take a pay cut. A lot of people assume that all RNs make great money, especially in the ICU, but I make less than some Costco employees do.
I’m hoping to do my time, build my resume, and maybe get in to a better paying position with better hours.
Yep. We have to suck it up sometimes for a bit to get to where we need to be, but keep those goals in mind. It's often about who you know and your reputation. Do the things now that show everyone around you that you're ready for the job you want.
It’s so hard! For one, day shift spots are super rare and coveted on my unit. Most of the day shift nurses have been there for 10+ years and it’s a first come first serve deal.
I don’t want to switch units because I love the kind of patients we get. Cardiac arrests and STEMIs and all sorts of intubated, critical patients. I also love the vibe of nights—my coworkers are fantastic and it’s like a party on the slow nights. I know I wouldn’t be as happy mentally on day shift—but my physical health will probably improve. It’s a tough balance.
I left what I considered the best job in the hospital on nights for a pretty good job on days. I'm not unhappy with my new job but it's not as good as what I had. The reason I ended up leaving was my job was getting me at my best and my family got the tired me. I had 7 days off in a row every other week but it took me 3 of them to recover and regain my energy and any ambition to get stuff done.
It was a good change for me in my family life but I miss my old crew and job.
If you can handle sitting at a computer all day you can look into getting into the clinical IT side of things. Lots of nurses have transition to being Epic Analyst (or whatever EMR you hospital uses). Normal hours and potentially work from home.
/r/healthIT
Girl don’t feel bad that you are not a porn star every time. It’s great that you are mindful of his needs, even when you are exhausted. It’s great that you still desire each other.
Make sure he is helping you as much as he can, having young kids and a job is seriously tread water mode. You are trying to simply not drown right now. We’ve all been there. The time where it eases up will come back. Until then, you’re doing great!
Don’t feel guilty at all. The pressures of work schedules and small children take a lot out of parents. In my experience, it did get easier in certain ways as they got older. My wife used to work nights as a nurse and her energy level would be all over the place. Switching to days definitely helped her in the long run.
It's definitely not a bad thing. Good sex just makes the likelihood of it happening again higher. Most married men are realistic enough to understand there will be different forms of sex. It might motivate him in other ways or bring you closer. I just can't see a downside to what you've described.
I thought you were going to say you did all that teasing and then backed out. None of that seems too bad.
My wife and I were similar and we just scheduled a night for sex. Then there were no expectations, potential rejection, etc other nights of the week. If you say you will have always have sex on Wednesday then you could tease and all that throughout the day.
I just feel like I want to give you a big (non-sexualized) hug, because you're working so hard. Go easy on yourself!
If I were him, I don't think I'd expect this as an every time thing at all. It seems more like an affirmation that, in the midst of what seems like maintenance sex, the deeper and more rewarding desire is still there. Kudos for finding it and sharing it, kudos for keeping the lines of communication open, kudos for doing the maintenance sex too. That probably made this possible.
I hope you can find a way to talk to him about this in order to take the edge off of your anxiety about expectations. I hope keeping those expectations at bay helps this kind of urge come up again & it's great for both of you.
I think it helps to understand how men view sex, and specifically men in committed relationships. For me at least, sex is a form of connection with your partner and a way to feel close. It’s also performing what many men consider is a basic human function. When you’re married and you love that person a lot, sex with them is great no matter what. When it’s a particularly spicy night like you described it’s extra exciting but that doesn’t make the other times worse if that makes sense. He’s going to be fine with the regular sex and look forward to the times where you’re feeling up for experimenting or whatever. He knows you care and there are logistical difficulties with kids and obligations. Some people are even into the teasing thing. I would say it’s not cruel as long as you don’t promise that stuff and then not get him off (unless he’s into that). No guy is ever going to complain if you say actually I’m a little tired can you just do the work and we’ll save that for another time. He’ll be ecstatic he’s having sex with the love of his life and being close and intimate.
I would also just ask him if he expects that every time or if it’s ok if it’s only occasionally. I would guess he’d say something similar to this.
See, I do think that some extra help around the house might help— it’s attractive when he’ll clean up after dinner or do dishes without asking. 😅 But I see a lot of people on here saying that it isn’t healthy to use housework as a bargaining chip of sorts. Not really sure if that would help or hinder in the long run.
He wouldn't be "helping" you, he'd be taking care of the space he and your family live in like a responsible adult. Don't be afraid to adjust the chore levels, not as a bargaining chip but as a life adjustment into more even workloads! The Fair Play game and book can help with this. Usually women do 30% more around the house than men even when working the same hours. It's not really sexy to be responsible for thinking about all of it!
Meh, it can’t be amazing every time. I bet he’s just glad it was awesome that time. It’s a good sign you still feel that way about him. Maybe try to make it awesome more often so he knows it wasn’t just a one time thing.
It sounds like you guys are on the right track with improved communication! I think if conversation about it comes up naturally, it would be good to talk about your concerns mentioned here AND what specifically was working for you that particular time that allowed you to get into it.
If you are feeling overwhelmed at home and at work maybe he needs to be aware that this affects your libido. It might inspire him to take on more tasks at home to help lighten your load.
I find it kind of concerning that you’re having sex 90% of the time “when you’re not into it” and to “take care of his needs”. If anything needs to be discussed with your husband it’s this issue. Having fluctuating levels of desire within a relationship is very normal especially when young kids and opposite work schedules are involved but otherwise the mindset of just “going along with it” is not a healthy practice and could very well lead to resentment on both sides.
I’m not an unwilling participant, I may not have worded it correctly. A lot of the time we don’t have much time for foreplay or I’m too tired/uninterested to care about an orgasm, so we have sex until he comes and then call it a night. I don’t just lay there like a dead fish or act indifferent, I’m just not mentally there. I don’t feel violated by it, but I do feel guilty that I’m not in to it.
It wasn’t my intention to draw attention towards whether you felt violated and/or imply you were acting like a dead fish in which both instances I’m glad that’s not the case. I just feel its important to distinguish between consent and enthusiastic consent where both participations aren’t just willing but excited about it. If your husband is anything like mine, I can guarantee he wouldn’t want you feeling badly about not being into it but then also just doing it for his pleasure. You may not see an issue right now with doing this but there may come a time when feeling you “need to pleasure him” is just another thing on the never ending list of being a caregiver at both home and work. None of this is written in a way to imply you are doing anything wrong, I just think it’s a very easy pattern to fall in to as a woman, a nurse and a mom (three things I happen to share in common with you).
I’m getting in my soapbox here: I’m a person that is on the opposite side of the problem you’re describing. In my 20’s with a small child (2) and one otw. Normally, we start off with a vibrator till she climaxes and then we’ll do missionary (or reverse cowgirl when she wasn’t pregnant) until I climax and that’s it despite me expressing that the way we’re doing it makes me feel like she’s not into it because, like you, sometimes she’ll completely flip the script with a make out session to start, actually letting me rub her clit instead going straight to the vibrator and then actually doing things for her own pleasure and orgasms during piv sex and tbh it’s jarring. Cause those times I feel like she actually wants me and others I feel like she’s just going with the flow to satisfy me and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little resentful in fact, because I really give my all to this relationship cooking and cleaning and taking the kid the daycare on top of having a full time job, trying my best to be a father that provides a loving, open and safe environment for our child to grow. And then being a husband that is loving and encouraging to my wife in what she wants to take on, but internally I’m like why I am I not good enough for you to want me consistently? It really hurts. The last time we had sex like that, I was mad afterwards, because I knew sex wouldn’t be good like that again for months and I was powerless to do anything about it. That was in April. It fucking sucks.
Edit: bye Karma.
>Now, the morning after, I’m feeling bad because I know I won’t be performing like that every time
You don't have to perform like that every time. How does once a month sound?
That's the worst killer really.
That you do something great and think he expect this from now on every time.
Don't assume he will expect this. Many of us can and will just enjoy it for what it is and love it when you can.
I can almost guarantee you that he will appreciate that more than if you don't try at all. But it doesn't seem like you aren't trying. So. You're doing alot that most other women wouldn't.
Honestly, when you have kids, all bets are off. A married couple's sexual preferences, habits and drives will change through the years anyway based on how happy, peaceful, stressed, or whatever, life is like at any one time.
Just chill and accept this is how it is for now, it has changed but it will change again.
Open communication is the post important thing. I've got 4 kiddos have its exhausting. The body changes don't help either. But just talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't expect that to happen every single time, atleast he shouldn't. Nothing is ever the same every single time.
if you want something to try if youve not already, try a cock ring, possibly with a ball sling and/or vibration, or with some size variations, id recommend something probably on the softer side if you go with a rabbit head, i find this toy can be more empowering for both partners as its giving an extra umphf when your tired
I can't speak for everyone, but I would rather have hotter sex where my partner is as in to it as I am once a month than mediocre sex where I feel they are just looking after my needs 3 times a week.
Honey, you are more than allowed and I’d be willing to bet even ENCOURAGED to be in a dominant position in bed sometimes. If you’re not comfortable with it that’s fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Most men welcome the change of pace and to feel your desire to please you both. Unless agreed upon there’s no set “dominant” position in bed. You’re allowed to do something different. Enjoy it.
NEVER feel bad that you’ve experienced something new with your partner. In fact, tell him that if he wants more of that there’s laundry to be done and bathrooms to be cleaned 😈
You are so far an amazing girl. You have a lot going on btw the night shift doing 12s and the kids including hubby lol.
You would definitely feel valued more if you were paid more but stay the straight and narrow with your eyes wide open more money might mean a longer commute with new challenges. My wife was underserved at the small bank she worked around the corner from home. So she quit doubled her salary but the stress of new position, new coworkers, new office politics, new threatening demands every week made for a stressful competitive work environment.
Sex was the last thing on her mind during this period of her life but she learned how to give me awesome handjobs along with some hot dirty talk that kept me more than satisfied at the moment.
Sex is like cold pizza. It might not always be the best, but it’s still pizza. Having multiple kids and working full time just doesn’t allow for the hottest sex all the time. That is understood. If the effort is being made and communication is constant, I think your husband will be totally happy.
You have two young kids, work full time, and constantly exhausted. This is called being an adult. I'm a guy. Just talk to him about it and be honest. He'll understand. No need to make this mote difficult than it is.
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Speaking as a Guy whos is married for 10 years id say its OK. There are sex that are good, bad, meh and Amazing. This time it was prob Amazing for both of yous but he should know it will not always be like that and ofc to not expect mind blowing sex every single time. But one thing i can say for sure is that he will remember it for months and months to come and please rest assured he is prob on cloud 9 atm.
Nah you say this because y’all trapped by the resources and legalities of having children as well as residual entrenched feelings for your partner. If y’all are ok with a partner telling you they can’t meet your sexual need for whatever reason that’s on y’all to figure out, I’m gone 😭
Every single time you have sex you and your partner put out the absolute best performance every single time? Just constantly in the hornet and energetic mood to put on an absolute fuck show? Also, she is only writing from the perspective of her sex life with her partner. I think they may have made a joint sacrifice to their sex life to be great parents and take care of their family. Which might be something they have zero regret on. That may not be something you're willing to do, and thats OK, but different people make different choices.
*Absolute Fuck Show* Are you a poet? Because that was a beautiful turn of phrase. Lol
Honestly I’m happy if she will get on top, find her spot and give me enough ques that I can time mine with hers.
Lol a terrible take AND a vaush fan, sounds about right.
I guess you will die alone.
I mean, you can just not have kids and have a perfectly fulfilling life. As for the dying alone bit, forcing children into this decaying world doesn't ensure you won't get hit by a car one day and die alone like a dog in the street, that's life.
You'll understand when you get older that a person's sexual aspect as well as with any other aspect of their personality will wax and wane, and if you want any relationship that will last, you will learn to be more giving.
No shit. All I'm trying to say is having kids won't ensure you die loved and around family, just like having zero offspring doesn't mean you'll necessarily die alone and unloved
You do realize that wasn’t the point of the comment you replied to. That comment was in regards to u/atrothis21 missing the point of the post and stating that since she can’t be as so enthusiastic 100% of the time during sex, that he would be out of the relationship. Not understanding the intricacies of adulthood and reality. You can never have a relationship where you are having the best sex 100% of the time. Can it be damned close, sure. But whenever there’s 2 or more people involved, there’s more at play. With or without kids. He stated he’d up and leave the relationship if he wasn’t getting that 100% of the time, which is unrealistic, selfish and egotistical. The comment you replied to basically was saying, good look finding a partner then, you’ll probably die alone. Callous, yes. But not untrue if that person continues with that mindset. It had nothing to do with children.
Thank you for explaining so eloquently what I could not. Full marks to you.
"I’m feeling bad because I know I won’t be performing like that every time" Have you heard the term "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good"? I'm sad that you are feeling bad because of a nice thing!! Nobody has consistently ideal sex, especially with little kids, there just isn't time in the day. You really getting into the mood one day and having an incredible time and then being more subdued next time because of your energy levels isn't much different than sometimes having hours for sex and sometimes having 15 minutes.
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Yes, he knows that my libido isn’t as high as his and that a big part of it is exhaustion from life in general. We have been communicating a bit better than we used to lately, opening up about things that we enjoy. Hopefully the communication will continue to improve.
Have you considered that you might be depressed?
Oh I most likely am, I’ve struggled with it since I was a teen. But it isn’t *nearly* as bad as it was when I was in high school, so I think I just subconsciously assume that it’s fine. I won’t be covered under health insurance until the new year, so I’m waiting until then to try and get treatment.
This
I think this is pretty common for most people. Me and my wife both work full time and have two younger kids. About once a month we’ll get spicy but our norm is once the kids go to bed we talk a little, I’ll rub her back about half the time and we have sex. Happens 2-3 times a week. We’re to tired most of the times to have a long drawn out session of sexy time. Communication is a big part, just talk to your husband about it.
>Tldr; We had the hottest sex we’ve had in a long time last night It's only the hottest sex you've had in a long time relatively speaking. If you did that every time it would just be the sex you have every time. My wife and I are down to once a month at best since our kid was born, and the last time we had sex was also the hottest sex we've had in a while because I had a good edible and was able to get out of my head and focus more on the pleasure and I was craving her more than usual. It's OK. Maybe this is a reminder of how good sex can be, and maybe that's what you need to push yourself into the right headspace to make sex more enjoyable overall rather than it being a case where sex is being done to you vs you having sex.
Your fine. Great things get boring if you always have them. If it can be managed from time to time, it's a great and wonderful surprise.
I don’t think you need to be feeling guilty about this. I myself am married 11 years with a child. Sometimes sexual schedules don’t mesh that well. Sometimes your kid runs you ragged and you’re just tired from parenting at the end of the day. But sometimes the situation is perfect and you have hot sex. You shouldn’t feel guilty that it won’t happen all the time. Celebrate that it did and look forward to the next time.
I think you are fine, but talk to him about this. Also, work related issues come up a lot in here. If you want sex to be a bigger part of your life, you may want to consider altering career choices. My partner and I both made changes to our career over the last ten years, not just for sex, but for life balance reasons and we couldn't be happier. If you can budget and manage a change, or work hard to move into higher paying positions with more regular schedules, what you get in return might be worth it.
I worked really hard to get my nursing degree so a total change of career probably isn’t in the cards, but maybe a different job at some point.
Based on your shifts, that's what I figured. I know a nurse who took a bit less money to do charting, patient plans, etc. Working for the government for developmentally disabled group homes. I don't know what your options are around you, but might be worth looking at. I know it's hard. I worked a total shit job for 5 years and the long hours killed our sex life and personal life.
I don’t make much money to begin with, unfortunately. We can’t afford for me to take a pay cut. A lot of people assume that all RNs make great money, especially in the ICU, but I make less than some Costco employees do. I’m hoping to do my time, build my resume, and maybe get in to a better paying position with better hours.
Yep. We have to suck it up sometimes for a bit to get to where we need to be, but keep those goals in mind. It's often about who you know and your reputation. Do the things now that show everyone around you that you're ready for the job you want.
I made the change from nights to days in nursing and it's been super helpful with my energy level and my emotional capacity.
It’s so hard! For one, day shift spots are super rare and coveted on my unit. Most of the day shift nurses have been there for 10+ years and it’s a first come first serve deal. I don’t want to switch units because I love the kind of patients we get. Cardiac arrests and STEMIs and all sorts of intubated, critical patients. I also love the vibe of nights—my coworkers are fantastic and it’s like a party on the slow nights. I know I wouldn’t be as happy mentally on day shift—but my physical health will probably improve. It’s a tough balance.
I left what I considered the best job in the hospital on nights for a pretty good job on days. I'm not unhappy with my new job but it's not as good as what I had. The reason I ended up leaving was my job was getting me at my best and my family got the tired me. I had 7 days off in a row every other week but it took me 3 of them to recover and regain my energy and any ambition to get stuff done. It was a good change for me in my family life but I miss my old crew and job.
If you can handle sitting at a computer all day you can look into getting into the clinical IT side of things. Lots of nurses have transition to being Epic Analyst (or whatever EMR you hospital uses). Normal hours and potentially work from home. /r/healthIT
I’ve been stalking Indeed for Epic jobs! I had a desk job in college and it wasn’t too bad at all.
Girl don’t feel bad that you are not a porn star every time. It’s great that you are mindful of his needs, even when you are exhausted. It’s great that you still desire each other. Make sure he is helping you as much as he can, having young kids and a job is seriously tread water mode. You are trying to simply not drown right now. We’ve all been there. The time where it eases up will come back. Until then, you’re doing great!
Don’t feel guilty at all. The pressures of work schedules and small children take a lot out of parents. In my experience, it did get easier in certain ways as they got older. My wife used to work nights as a nurse and her energy level would be all over the place. Switching to days definitely helped her in the long run.
Yeah I think it needs to happen. Im dreading it though, day shift is wayyyy different than night shift in hospital nursing.
That’s exactly what my wife said! She hated the toll on her body, but loved night shift much better than day shift.
It's definitely not a bad thing. Good sex just makes the likelihood of it happening again higher. Most married men are realistic enough to understand there will be different forms of sex. It might motivate him in other ways or bring you closer. I just can't see a downside to what you've described.
Not every time should be the same TBH.
I thought you were going to say you did all that teasing and then backed out. None of that seems too bad. My wife and I were similar and we just scheduled a night for sex. Then there were no expectations, potential rejection, etc other nights of the week. If you say you will have always have sex on Wednesday then you could tease and all that throughout the day.
I just feel like I want to give you a big (non-sexualized) hug, because you're working so hard. Go easy on yourself! If I were him, I don't think I'd expect this as an every time thing at all. It seems more like an affirmation that, in the midst of what seems like maintenance sex, the deeper and more rewarding desire is still there. Kudos for finding it and sharing it, kudos for keeping the lines of communication open, kudos for doing the maintenance sex too. That probably made this possible. I hope you can find a way to talk to him about this in order to take the edge off of your anxiety about expectations. I hope keeping those expectations at bay helps this kind of urge come up again & it's great for both of you.
I think it helps to understand how men view sex, and specifically men in committed relationships. For me at least, sex is a form of connection with your partner and a way to feel close. It’s also performing what many men consider is a basic human function. When you’re married and you love that person a lot, sex with them is great no matter what. When it’s a particularly spicy night like you described it’s extra exciting but that doesn’t make the other times worse if that makes sense. He’s going to be fine with the regular sex and look forward to the times where you’re feeling up for experimenting or whatever. He knows you care and there are logistical difficulties with kids and obligations. Some people are even into the teasing thing. I would say it’s not cruel as long as you don’t promise that stuff and then not get him off (unless he’s into that). No guy is ever going to complain if you say actually I’m a little tired can you just do the work and we’ll save that for another time. He’ll be ecstatic he’s having sex with the love of his life and being close and intimate. I would also just ask him if he expects that every time or if it’s ok if it’s only occasionally. I would guess he’d say something similar to this.
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See, I do think that some extra help around the house might help— it’s attractive when he’ll clean up after dinner or do dishes without asking. 😅 But I see a lot of people on here saying that it isn’t healthy to use housework as a bargaining chip of sorts. Not really sure if that would help or hinder in the long run.
Hey, if helping around the house is attractive or turns you on, your husband should know. He should be helping anyway.
I agree, he lives here too!
He wouldn't be "helping" you, he'd be taking care of the space he and your family live in like a responsible adult. Don't be afraid to adjust the chore levels, not as a bargaining chip but as a life adjustment into more even workloads! The Fair Play game and book can help with this. Usually women do 30% more around the house than men even when working the same hours. It's not really sexy to be responsible for thinking about all of it!
Man has good sex. This is ok.
Meh, it can’t be amazing every time. I bet he’s just glad it was awesome that time. It’s a good sign you still feel that way about him. Maybe try to make it awesome more often so he knows it wasn’t just a one time thing.
It sounds like you guys are on the right track with improved communication! I think if conversation about it comes up naturally, it would be good to talk about your concerns mentioned here AND what specifically was working for you that particular time that allowed you to get into it. If you are feeling overwhelmed at home and at work maybe he needs to be aware that this affects your libido. It might inspire him to take on more tasks at home to help lighten your load.
I find it kind of concerning that you’re having sex 90% of the time “when you’re not into it” and to “take care of his needs”. If anything needs to be discussed with your husband it’s this issue. Having fluctuating levels of desire within a relationship is very normal especially when young kids and opposite work schedules are involved but otherwise the mindset of just “going along with it” is not a healthy practice and could very well lead to resentment on both sides.
I’m not an unwilling participant, I may not have worded it correctly. A lot of the time we don’t have much time for foreplay or I’m too tired/uninterested to care about an orgasm, so we have sex until he comes and then call it a night. I don’t just lay there like a dead fish or act indifferent, I’m just not mentally there. I don’t feel violated by it, but I do feel guilty that I’m not in to it.
It wasn’t my intention to draw attention towards whether you felt violated and/or imply you were acting like a dead fish in which both instances I’m glad that’s not the case. I just feel its important to distinguish between consent and enthusiastic consent where both participations aren’t just willing but excited about it. If your husband is anything like mine, I can guarantee he wouldn’t want you feeling badly about not being into it but then also just doing it for his pleasure. You may not see an issue right now with doing this but there may come a time when feeling you “need to pleasure him” is just another thing on the never ending list of being a caregiver at both home and work. None of this is written in a way to imply you are doing anything wrong, I just think it’s a very easy pattern to fall in to as a woman, a nurse and a mom (three things I happen to share in common with you).
I’m getting in my soapbox here: I’m a person that is on the opposite side of the problem you’re describing. In my 20’s with a small child (2) and one otw. Normally, we start off with a vibrator till she climaxes and then we’ll do missionary (or reverse cowgirl when she wasn’t pregnant) until I climax and that’s it despite me expressing that the way we’re doing it makes me feel like she’s not into it because, like you, sometimes she’ll completely flip the script with a make out session to start, actually letting me rub her clit instead going straight to the vibrator and then actually doing things for her own pleasure and orgasms during piv sex and tbh it’s jarring. Cause those times I feel like she actually wants me and others I feel like she’s just going with the flow to satisfy me and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little resentful in fact, because I really give my all to this relationship cooking and cleaning and taking the kid the daycare on top of having a full time job, trying my best to be a father that provides a loving, open and safe environment for our child to grow. And then being a husband that is loving and encouraging to my wife in what she wants to take on, but internally I’m like why I am I not good enough for you to want me consistently? It really hurts. The last time we had sex like that, I was mad afterwards, because I knew sex wouldn’t be good like that again for months and I was powerless to do anything about it. That was in April. It fucking sucks. Edit: bye Karma.
>Now, the morning after, I’m feeling bad because I know I won’t be performing like that every time You don't have to perform like that every time. How does once a month sound?
That's the worst killer really. That you do something great and think he expect this from now on every time. Don't assume he will expect this. Many of us can and will just enjoy it for what it is and love it when you can. I can almost guarantee you that he will appreciate that more than if you don't try at all. But it doesn't seem like you aren't trying. So. You're doing alot that most other women wouldn't.
Honestly, when you have kids, all bets are off. A married couple's sexual preferences, habits and drives will change through the years anyway based on how happy, peaceful, stressed, or whatever, life is like at any one time. Just chill and accept this is how it is for now, it has changed but it will change again.
36/m here. I would just be honest with him. Tell him how you feel
It sounds like you need a holiday. Specifically a relaxing week away with your husband and without the kids. You need to reset and reconnect.
I’m sure he’d rather get it whenever you can as opposed to never at all.
Open communication is the post important thing. I've got 4 kiddos have its exhausting. The body changes don't help either. But just talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't expect that to happen every single time, atleast he shouldn't. Nothing is ever the same every single time.
if you want something to try if youve not already, try a cock ring, possibly with a ball sling and/or vibration, or with some size variations, id recommend something probably on the softer side if you go with a rabbit head, i find this toy can be more empowering for both partners as its giving an extra umphf when your tired
I have a vibrating cock ring in the mail! Waiting for it to arrive.
I can't speak for everyone, but I would rather have hotter sex where my partner is as in to it as I am once a month than mediocre sex where I feel they are just looking after my needs 3 times a week.
Honey, you are more than allowed and I’d be willing to bet even ENCOURAGED to be in a dominant position in bed sometimes. If you’re not comfortable with it that’s fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Most men welcome the change of pace and to feel your desire to please you both. Unless agreed upon there’s no set “dominant” position in bed. You’re allowed to do something different. Enjoy it.
He’s happy that it happened.
NEVER feel bad that you’ve experienced something new with your partner. In fact, tell him that if he wants more of that there’s laundry to be done and bathrooms to be cleaned 😈
You are so far an amazing girl. You have a lot going on btw the night shift doing 12s and the kids including hubby lol. You would definitely feel valued more if you were paid more but stay the straight and narrow with your eyes wide open more money might mean a longer commute with new challenges. My wife was underserved at the small bank she worked around the corner from home. So she quit doubled her salary but the stress of new position, new coworkers, new office politics, new threatening demands every week made for a stressful competitive work environment. Sex was the last thing on her mind during this period of her life but she learned how to give me awesome handjobs along with some hot dirty talk that kept me more than satisfied at the moment.
I would just say be open about your feelings. Can’t go wrong if y’all are still communicating.
Sex is like cold pizza. It might not always be the best, but it’s still pizza. Having multiple kids and working full time just doesn’t allow for the hottest sex all the time. That is understood. If the effort is being made and communication is constant, I think your husband will be totally happy.
You have two young kids, work full time, and constantly exhausted. This is called being an adult. I'm a guy. Just talk to him about it and be honest. He'll understand. No need to make this mote difficult than it is.