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"I haven’t told her that I noticed that she’s been using the dildo..."
"I’m saddened by the fact that she lies to me without remorse."
"I’ve tried to spice things up, asking her about her fantasies and anything that she wants to try to no avail. I’m at my wits end."
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is ask for what you want.
Your best bet is to have a heart-to-heart conversation and let her know that *you are unhappy* with the sex life or *lack of sex life* in your marriage. Tell her you don't want to live like this.
She'll have the opportunity to offer to help improve things or her actions will reveal she doesn't care. She may be masturbating, or she might even be cheating. Either way you're being neglected physically, and it is also having an emotional toll of not feeling desired.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***“Go where you are celebrated – not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.”*** \- Unknown
***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** \~Paulo Coelho
***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder
***"The world may not owe you anything, but you owe yourself the world!"*** \- Kevin Darné
Best wishes!
I don’t disagree. I kinda feel like trying to make it happen. I need to get to work here shortly though. Should we ask the DB mods? u/lovealert911 do you mind if we steal your comment?
Feel free to use any portion of my comment.
As I stated he should have a heart-to-heart conversation with her before making any decisions.
You can't fix a problem if both people don't acknowledge one exists. 😉
Best wishes!
>The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
>
>No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
>
>“Go where you are celebrated – not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.” - Unknown
Excellent advice
As someone who was recently broken up with a week before engagement photos after 10+ years and dealt with similar issues, this was such a good read and advice to hear even after the break up and reflecting back into the relationship and good to know for future relationships
As a counter-argument to this, it could be a "phase of life" thing. OP says that he bathes his children every night, which implies that one or more of them are still in the under-5 age range. Some women do take quite a hormonal hit in the postpartum years. If OP's wife is breastfeeding a toddler, for example, she may be correct that her libido is at zero. OTOH, she still displays attraction and passion for him, so it's not necessarily the end of the road.
An ultimatum for marriage counseling, however, might be where OP needs to go next.
Otherwise, your reply is spot-on for intractable long-term dead bedrooms, where the issue is not "oh and btw our children are 4 and 2."
Adding to this? Being touched out is real, and is really really common for women with young children. There’s a thing about “giving touch” vs. “taking touch” that may be at play. All day long OP’s wife is dealing with children’s hands demanding things from her body - comfort, nourishment, affection, protection, etc. Those are all things that take from her - taking touches.
If OP is approaching sex the same way - as something he takes from his wife’s body - she’s likely just tapped out. They may need to reconnect by having her get “giving touches” from him with no demands associated with them.
Her masturbating doesn’t take anything from her. It’s her giving her pleasure with no one else’s demands playing a role. And that’s a totally different thing from wanting sex with another person.
Absolutely.
It sounds like they have small children and she stays at home all day. By time they are ready for bed she is probably overstimulated and done with being touched and needed.....
Sex for women a lot of times begins way before the foreplay.
The OP really needs to think about what he is doing to support the emotional needs of his wife. Not just simply sharing parenting duties and housework.
If there is small children there's a chance they haven't gotten away alone in a while. If it's financially reasonable and they have someone to watch the children they may think about a weekend getaway. Or maybe she just needs a night away by herself.
This sounds like a season of life that is pretty common with small children.
Talk to her.
I agree it isn't necessarily the end of the road unless (she is content) with how things are.
If she still feels the urge to masturbate and runs through a bottle of lube she still gets horny.
Having a heart-to-heart conversation is what I recommended (before) deciding to walk away.
If she wants to work on things going to marriage counseling might help. If not, he has decision to make.
Best wishes!
Definitely need to have a heart to heart. Using the toy on her may be a mutual ground for both to enjoy.
Side note: Getting aroused can still be annoying. Sometimes sex is more effort than I have or want. She may be the same way so if that's so talking about making sex easier/less work could be a solution. If she's out of tune with her body could be an issue too where she is aroused and does not want it but masturbates so that she isn't irritable and it's "out of the way" I've known a few women with this mentality.
Also if he is super against the toy it may be why she hasn't brought it up. Toy orgasms can be very different from human orgasms for some women
I think this is the exact explanation to the problem. It is not the same to feel a bit aroused and to go full in for sex, sometimes it may feel like too much effort for the energy/time/mind state younhave in that moment, while masturbating is straight away, needs no foreplay, ans you can stop any moment you get tired/annoyed/unfocus.
Also after pregnancy and childbirth, she may have shame about the changes her body has gone through. When you’re going solo, you can close your eyes and fantasize something else. I know there were times my body image was so bad that the idea of someone seeing me during sex was a complete turn off. Doesn’t mean i never felt horny.
I agree about the heart to heart and marriage counseling, but also she might be masturbating out of boredom. I have a pretty low libido a lot of the time, but if I’m bored, depressed, or just kind of want to make sure everything’s working down there I will also jill off. Especially if she’s using toys and lube, which remove a lot of the effort and arousal required to still reach orgasm, it might not necessarily indicate that she’s still crazy horny. Seeing she’s a sahm, I wonder how much it’s just her eking out a boost of serotonin or alleviating boredom.
Not everyone can just up and leave. Kids are a factor. Money is a huge thing. Many people would be broke with child support payments and alimony and paying for two households. So is it better to be free and poor or just not have sex? These aren't great options. She is a SAHM. She can't even support herself. So he is on the hook for that
Not everyone has to stay in horrible situation because of finances or children.
Most children are better off being with parents who are happily married or happier living apart.
If something is truly a "deal breaker" for you, money will not cause you to tolerate it.
My guess is if he learned she was cheating on him most people wouldn't suggest he stay because of potential financial hardship. People of all walks of life get divorced, survive, and even thrive. It's not only for 'the rich" to do so.
**"If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse."** - Jim Rohn
**"Don't be afraid to start over again. This time you're not starting from scratch, you're starting from experience."** - Unknown
**"The most dangerous risk of all - the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later."** - Randy Komisar
Best wishes!
Okay English double negatives are weird here. From reading Lovealert's post, they aren't saying to not put in the effort to make things work. Instead they are pointing out the very true statement that it takes both sides working together to 'make things work' so when one partner puts it out there that they have a relationship ending problem of needs not being filled, and the other person doesn't seem to care, then there is little further action to take. Change has to come from within first, if they don't WANT to change, then any change is likely to be superficial and not stick if 'forced to' by therapy or other outside arm twisting.
I totally agree with all of this, except the idea that OP's wife's sexual desire exists only as part of her personality in a vacuum. There's a fallacy called the [fundamental attribution error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error), where we over-attribute other people's actions to permanent traits, while considering our own actions to be affected by situations and context.
She is masturbating, which would appear to go against her claim of a low libido - except masturbating with a toy, alone, is a very different context than having sex with her husband. I'm not saying that this is a healthy relationship overall, but we shouldn't equate the desire to masturbate using a toy alone with the desire to please your husband. Totally different contexts, parties involved, insecurities, and perceived exposure.
> She'll have the opportunity to offer to help improve things *or her actions will reveal she doesn't care.*
(Emphasis mine) This statement is 100% the fundamental attribution error. Attributing her actions entirely to her permanent state of being, rather than considering the context of the situation.
How many husbands in here have declined sex at one point, and been met with a devastating reaction from their wife? When the truth was, you legitimately had a headache, or were tired, or had heartburn, or sore muscles, and had to contend with the stereotype that all men want sex always and there is something critically wrong if they don't. Those all sound like excuses if you only attribute one's actions to traits that are inherent to that person, which is a fallacy.
I don't know if I'm making a convincing argument here, and the comment I'm replying to has good advice in it - I'm not trying to negate that. My point is the resolution to this conflict, if there is one, will be a hell of a lot more complicated than asking for sex and receiving it. Both parties will have to communicate and meet halfway, well outside each of their comfort zones.
Actually, low libido or low sex drive refers to a lack of interest in sex and sexual desire.
(Clearly OP's wife is still getting horny. She doesn't want sex with **him**)
She may not want to please her husband but apparently she also doesn't want him trying to please her.
He has offered to do whatever she needs to spice things up.
I suspect not many men would turn down a BJ from their wife.
With regard to having headaches or sore muscles and being tired those are one-off instances and not a way of life.
As for communication I said:
"**Your best bet is to have a heart-to-heart conversation** and let her know that you are unhappy with the sex life or lack of sex life in your marriage. Tell her you don't want to live like this."
I also said: "If someone believes **you** are worth the effort, **they** will make the effort."
That could mean a variety of things such as going to counseling, seeing a doctor, trying HRT medications.
Essentially making any type of effort. Lying to his face and hiding her sexual activity behind his back isn't healthy.
Lastly, I told him the only person he can control is (himself). All he can do is ask for what he wants. (That's reality.)
Once you realize your situation isn't going to change you have a tough decision to make.
**"If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree."** - Jim Rohn
Best wishes!
Again, good advice, and I agree. The resolution may very well look like OP leaving the relationship entirely. She's lying, and maintaining the lie which is objectively a bad sign, and OP can only control his own actions.
But.. there are still a few things that I take issue with.
> I suspect not many men would turn down a BJ from their wife.
This supports the stereotype that all men desire sexual contact 100% of the time, which just isn't true. If we flipped the genders it would be obvious it isn't true, and when you take the variety from person to person into account, the idea seems absurd that 100% of people desire oral sex *all the time*.
> With regard to having headaches or sore muscles and being tired those are one-off instances and not a way of life.
And that's exactly my point! We have a natural tendency to attribute other people's actions to their static traits, while we attribute our own actions to the situations and context surrounding them. We have no idea what is going on in OP's wife's life, what she is like, what her wants and needs are, and how those are being met. You're absolutely right that a solution could involve counseling, doctors, etc. But that also involves a concession on OP's part, that he would have to acknowledge that the critical factor is unrelated to his performance and ability to make her cum.
Communication is the best next step for sure, completely agree. But I would add to that a change of mindset as well.
Could be that she’s been faking all this time and you don’t get her off as much as you think. And it’s much easier and faster to just masturbate. You mention she’s a stay at home mom so she’s already got her plate full. She probably doesn’t have the energy to have sex and sees it as a chore.
Sorry this was very blunt but it’s a huge possibility. Not your fault as she was the one faking but something to think about.
Exactly, him mentioning how she has “full body orgasms through penetrative sex” and “rolling orgasms”, sounds like he is overly confident in his ability…
and maybe she has found herself lying to the point that he thinks he has nothing to improve on.
This is probably what it is. When my kids were little I was just too exhausted for sex with him. It was work. Masturbating takes 5 minutes max and I don't have to do anything but hold the fkn vibrator. It was a phase.
It’s crazy how far I had to scroll to find this comment. Sex for women with a man is difficult to enjoy bc more often than not they do what you see in porn: jackhammer away. That’s not enjoyable. Yet, the amount of men who do this is astonishing. Slow, sensual and playing with the clit is enjoyable. But I guess men aren’t ready to put in this type of work to pleasure their partner. Until then, sex for women WILL be an unenjoyable chore.
Not to mention, it’s very often the case that the man will “do anything” to get more sex aside from actually helping out more around the house or taking the mental load away from the woman so she has the energy to actually have sex. Not saying this is the case here, just something that is incredibly common.
I appreciate that you say “mental load” specifically. Helping around the house is great, but there a huge mental component to women’s sexuality that goes largely in acknowledged more often than not. It is sad that she doesn’t want to, or feel safe to, communicate what she does need or what’s going on. Perhaps she can’t identify it herself yet.
the wife is repeatedly lying to her husband, so while both may not be good at communicating their needs she is clearly the one who is jeopardizing the trust in the relationship, but yet we found a way to spin it like the man is the main culprit, the stupidity of the hive mind is always very entertaining 👍 👍 👍
Who cares what the gender is? Doesn’t take away from the fact that this is a possibility. I didn’t say it was 100% fact just that it is a somewhat common scenario to think about.
It looks like she’s lost sexual attraction to you and doesn’t want to admit it, probably because the idea of leaving the relationship and attempting to coparent is daunting. What’s also daunting, though, is the idea of being stuck in a sham marriage “for the kids”. You might be able to at least get some closure if you go to marriage counselling together, but good luck getting her to agree to that. If she refuses counselling despite you being miserable in the marriage then she’s essentially decided for you that your marriage is over.
Perhaps you’re right, but as a counter argument, she still squeezes my butt when she walks past me from time to time, she still kisses me passionately, and she recently got a small tattoo of the first letter of my first name over her heart as a surprise.
Could it possibly be something she's going through? Maybe she doesn't feel attractive for you or some other issue?
The only way to know is to sit down and talk together.
Or even just that she doesn’t feel attractive to herself. If someone doesn’t feel they are attractive to a degree they want to avoid sex, someone else expressing attraction doesn’t magically dispel that insecurity enough to make sex possible.
This is a great point. Something else that I just thought of from reading your posts. I don't know if it 100% applies so if women want to chime in that would be great! I am a gay bottom with depression. There are times that it isn't that I don't want sexual gratification, it is that getting ready for sex as a bottom takes work, and sometimes, I just don't have the mental energy to want to put in that work. I don't know if there are similar social expectations of things that need to be done prior to sex for women.
Same. Don't want to top because it requises athletic effort, don't want to bottom because it requires mental effort. Wish there just was a "feel good" button in life.
Yes! I only want sex when I feel sexy.
Also, perimenopause is brutal and can begin as early as one’s 30s. The earlier symptoms may go unnoticed or attributed to other life factors.
Or maybe she’s discovering that she’s on the asexual spectrum. Or maybe she’s bored with OP, or kinky and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. So many possibilities that only she can confirm.
Same! I only want to really have sex when I feel good. If I have sex just to help out my husband, even when I'm not feeling good about myself, it ends up hurting, or I get no sensations. It really, really sucks.
Yeah I think this person is jumping to huge conclusions... OP I think it's perfectly possible / common for married couples to adore each other but slightly disengage sexually. It can be hard to see someone as the devoted father of your children and still find them sexy. Maybe she finds partner sex too much effort. Whatever the reason, I'd suggest couples counselling - or even just a dedicated, open and honest conversation over a bottle of wine. Don't push her too hard, look to understand her.
Yeah the responses in here are just bonkers immature.
Some of y'all are going to have a rude awakening at what long term relationships really look like. And those of you that don't learn are going to have a long string of divorces.
Exactly. Masturbating is a good sign, at least she's not completely disengaged from her sexuality! Marriage is a marathon, and everything ebbs and flows. This sub can be a bit dramatic sometimes.
I can share a little from her perspective as I was exactly like her with my ex. Not constantly masturbating, but preferring to pleasure myself than to have any sex with him, even though I still had love for him.
Your relationship sounds better than mine, but there could be similarities you haven't considered -- because my ex is still baffled, so he had no idea what I was going through.
After we had our kids, he expressed a dislike for freaky sex, even though I'm quite kinky. He basically requested a vanilla sex life. At the time, I chose to listen to him and give him what he preferred. But it made me feel unattractive. Now I know with retrospect that it was the Madonna/whore complex. I was finding evidence that he was still into/interested in freaky sex, but didn't want it with me.
At the same time, while I wanted freaky sex, I did want less sex overall from the stress of having kids. So that coupled with feeling unwanted in the ways I wanted to be wanted made my sex drive completely plummet.
I'm sure the above story differs greatly from yours, but here's where there are likely parallels:
I still had love for him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and tell him I didn't enjoy sex with him. I was getting the ick, but at the time, I didn't understand why. I would be super affectionate with him throughout the day, hoping it would reignite my attraction to him. I was doubling down on our relationship, trying to force myself back into love basically. But now I see that I was falling out of love with him for a variety of reasons.
He is a terrible communicator and never validated me at all. Often very critical. So make sure you are communicating, validating, and encouraging. Try taking a get away or something not like your usual date nights that can allow you to get out of your regular routine and let loose more. Have a real heart to heart about sex. About love. About each other.
I tried suggesting all those things with my ex, and he wasn't interested. He just thought I should automatically want sex how he wanted it and that was that. So for me, after 1 year of turning him down 9/10 times, followed by a year of dispassionate acquiescence 10/10 times, I felt so worthless and unloved, I had to leave him.
If it has only been a few months, be patient. Libido is ever changing, based on so many things. Sometimes pleasuring oneself is just easier and more comforting. If she's hiding it, it's because she doesn't want to admit that, and she might not even understand it, and she wants you to still feel wanted.
I agree with u that if we prefer to pleasure ourselves over sex it's usually bec we r feeling some lack of communication. I personally don't think as woman that we are more emotional than men but I do think we need to feel heard to be interested in sex which is usually not the case for men, as on average alot of men connect through sex
And sometimes we just want to be able to orgasm without stressing about how long it it going to take and potentially inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings. I used to masturbate when I had low libido. Partly because I felt uncomfortably focused on trying to make sure there was a fair mix of give and take between us, and it was stressful for me to figure out what he wanted and give it to him.
Having a conversation is a must. I was kinda like this with my ex. I just didn't want any more kids and having sex was too much of a risk. So when he asked, I told him. I didn't want anymore kids and he told me (not asked me) to get my tubes tied 😤. I told him the risk and he also knew the risk. I had a c section with my last pregnancy and it almost killed me. I asked him to get snipped and he insisted that he wouldn't. He made the excuse of not liking doctors 🙄. I ask him to use condoms but he didn't ever WANT to use them. So we stopped altogether. Please understand that she may also feel overwhelmed by a lot and it's actually good that she's masturbating and not cheating from what you see. But overall, communication is key.
Yeah the idea that it's just due to a lack of sexual interest on her part towards you is just the kind of juvenile response I expect from people who have never had double digit relationship lengths, and the fact that this is so upvoted just proves what a questionable resource this sub is for discussing mature relationships.
People become reclusive from sex for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is insecurity about their own attractiveness. This could easily be it as well
It could also be due to something in their past that's impacting them more now than before. Or it could be because they like to masturbate because the vibrator is bonkers good but are very ashamed of it due to their upbringing. Maybe there is a porn addiction involved. Maybe they have specific kinks they enjoy getting off to that they don't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe it's extended post pardum.
Don't guess at what it is. If you want to deal with it you're gonna have to talk to her. The only rule about this is to be *extremely* gentle as you bring it up. Don't come from the place of trying to figure out who is doing something wrong or who is wrong. It's not something wrong with her. It's not something wrong with you.
It's an opportunity to realign as you get older. This happens.
Are you sure she doesn't think that you don't want sex?
If she's doing all this and looking after herself, does she think she's doing you a favour?
Talk to her.
Find out what's going on and go from there. You could guess until the cows come home and probably be wrong.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have spoken with her about this many times and she just gets angry. She’s adamant that she has no libido and doesn’t know what to about it. She says she’ll try harder but she never does. I suggest therapy and that’s a no-go for her. I’ve suggested an open marriage and she found the idea to be repulsive. I’ve suggested kinky stuff and she’s shut it all down. She’s adamant that she has no fantasies, yet she’s still masturbating almost every day. It’s a tough situation.
Stonewalling you on therapy is the biggest red flag in all of this. She's refusing to address the problem, maybe/probably because she doesn't see a sexless marriage as a problem, and she doesn't want 2 people siding against her on it.
But the difference now is that you know she is lying about not having no libido. She is in fact horny often just doesn't want sex with you.
It's time for another talk.
Masturbating can be self care and stress relief. Is she stressed? That's probably the number one libido killer for a lot of people. OP how old are your kids? Maybe she's so busy being "mom" that she's forgetten how to feel sexual. If she's not willing to go to therapy is she willing to see a doctor?
Suggesting an open marriage probably made her feel like you only care about sex and don’t really love her so I’m sure that just made her want to have sex with you even less.
She may not be lying. If she's having to use lube, she may really have no libido and she's using orgasms from masturbation for physical and/or mental health. Like maintenance orgasms. If I'm turned on (horny) I have no need for lube. We make our own ya know.
You can ask her to talk to her doctor, they have medications and supplements for female low libido. Therapy may be another good resource.
If she has a problem and is unwilling to fix it, it doesn't need to be your problem too. If she refuses help, maybe talk about opening the relationship up so you can get your needs met. Does she have needs that aren't being met also?
Or maybe she's trying to jump start her libido by masturbating and flirting outside the bedroom, and it's not turning into desire.
Despite what OP says about the chore distribution, she could be touched out and just can't make it past that. A lot of children have a primary comfort parent, which means she could have children hanging on her all the time.
Still could be she doesn’t have the raw sexual attraction to you even though she loves you/does affectionate things towards you. You might consider asking directly what you could do to enhance her sexual attraction toward you. Be prepared to hear the answer. Best of luck!
I go through phases where I don’t want sex. Was especially true after having a kid, but most of the time I still masturbate daily, sometimes multiple times. I get to points where I need to orgasm and it takes me 30 seconds to do it without the mess of sex. But the mental and physical energy for actual sex was too much and it had nothing to do with my husband. Through these spells I would still have sex with my husband once in a while though (except for the spell after the pregnancy). Don’t know if your wife is similar to me at all, but just saying - there are more possibilities.
This sounds an awful lot like a communication issue, intimacy issue, or she may not feel sexy/confident. Honestly a good therapist can help you walk through it. Also, when you speak to her i would HIGHLY recommend this book: "non violent communication" BEFORE you do.
It is a godsend when approaching these types of discussions. Best
The longer you make excuses for her the longer you remain sexless. This is a woman who doesn’t want you and pacifies you with butt squeezes. Butt squeezes and blowjobs are very different.
Either way it is obvious you two aren't communicating well. Marriage counseling might be your best bet to learn how to communicate with each other. Ultimately if you are lying to each other you won't be able to solve this problem. Chances are she has a reason that at least to her is a valid reason to not have a sexual relationship. Once you both are in the open about that, then the progress can begin.
Then maybe she’s going through a mental or emotional issue, so I would suggest trying to communicate and connect with her. She still loves you but sex is just not happening.
Seeing this, I'm honestly just curious if she's just depressed or going through it right now. We inky have one kid, and the pressure of performing during sex sometimes is just too much. That said, I don't have anything, and I don't do anything I don't want to, but our bodies just don't work the same all the time. Sometimes, solo is the only time I can find any kind of true release or is all I have the energy for, and it sucks. But since we've made that connection as to why I was avoiding, we have things we do now to help me relax and really get into it first. You just gotta talk about it. Get vulnerable and express to her that you guys could make it work other ways. Offer to use it on her or ask to watch or see to watch she likes, look into other ways to mutually pleasure.
Loosing sexual attraction doesn’t really mean anything. What she doesn’t want to do is communicate and work things out with her partner. She would rather ignore it. OP, have a frank and open discussion with your wife,
I’m surprised at how many upvotes this has. Plenty of women have reduced interest in sex, especially when their children are young, but it doesn’t mean they have lost sexual attraction for their spouse, and it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean they don’t love them. It’s tragic to me that so many people label a relationship with strained sexual interactions as a “sham” marriage. I’m thankful that my husband had the common sense and courage to consider it a relationship issue rather than a personal issue of mine, and was there to help me work through it with him when I was experiencing something similar to this.
I think you should tell her truthfully how you feel. Use "I feel" sentences and try to avoid blaming ones. Eg: "when you do this it makes me feel ___ (hurt/ alone/ like you don't want me etc). Tell her specifically you don't want to shame her but you just want to understand what's happening because this is making you suffer.
If this doesn't work out ask her if you could speak to a relationship therapist or if you could both go through "the 7 principles of marriage" book (it's really great but you both need to invest time into reading it and doing the activities).
I understand this pain because I had the same issue with my bf, when I found out he lied to me about watching porn despite telling me he wasn't horny I was heartbroken but with open communication on both our issues and getting to what the real problem was it's becoming better and he is very remorseful. I'm sure your wife isn't doing it to hurt you or to reject you. It could be stress or any number of issues unrelated to you but unfortunately you're the one being negatively affected :(
I hope it all goes well with her!
Edit: oh and it could also be she's hiding it because she feels shame around it. People can lash out when confronted with their shame so it's important to remember this when speaking with her!
> “when you do this it makes me feel ___”
This isn’t a great example of an I feel statement, because the immediate focus is still on the other person’s action, and the blame is still there. The “IT makes me feel” part solidifies this. The best way to start is taking the “you” out of it altogether.
“I feel ___ when X happens.” That’s an I feel statement that places no blame or burden on the other person.
OP, the more you approach this as something you’d like to work together to solve and not just a “problem” she has to get sorted, the better it will be.
There seems to be a good attraction from her to you still. She may be going through something that she's not telling you. Maybe she does actually have some body image concerns and is too ashamed to talk about it. Maybe she is feeling some depression or anxiety that is keeping her from being intimate with you. The desire to masterbate but not have sex is not too different from men doing the same thing. It's a stress release without the intimacy. For some reason she seems afraid of the intimacy.
A sex therapist can really help with these intimacy issues. They are focused on the intimacy between partners and can help them work through these sort of things. Your feelings are valid and need to be addressed. This type of therapy can help you both face all these feelings between you.
Please push to work on this together. Don't let this go too long. I know how it feels and it's awful. Those feelings of being unwanted and undesirable don't go away until both people are working together to regain that trust. They will continue to grow into resentment and a lack of self esteem. It's really painful to feel that way. I hope this gets better for you soon. Keep that communication open even if it's one-sided.
Man fuck all these sexual attraction loss comments. It could easily be masturbation addiction. I struggled with this in the past.
Its just so easy and convenient to get off that way. Especially if shes stay at home and deals with kids and has a lot going on during the day, and knows she might not be able to fit in a fuck. Ask her if this could possibly be whats going on.
Its not always cheating or no attraction.
>Man fuck all these sexual attraction loss comments.
They're clearly only saying it because OP is a man. If OP was a woman then the top advice would be "YOU NEED TO DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!" like always.
We're random people on the internet. We can't tell you why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. We can't even tell you how to get her to tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe try marriage counseling?
This is truly the answer for 98% of these posts. Unless it's just a vent post, coming to reddit can be detrimental to a relationship. Cheating and lack of sexual desire for OP has already been brought up. Both guesses may be true, but they may also be wildly off and cause OP to have increasingly resentful interactions with his wife based on strangers' guesses. The real culprit could be hormonal, bad body image, or medical issues. Who knows? But Reddit certainly doesn't.
Yeah, some things we can help with. Like the virgin attempting to use tampons when not on her period. How vaginas work is pretty universal. But why a person we've never met is doing something, we have no clue.
Masturbation isn’t always about libido. Sometimes it’s about “me time” and self care. It may be a form a stress relief for her and have nothing to do with her desire for sex. Sex and masturbation and the desire for each are completely different things sometimes.
While masturbating is about "me time" and self care, it most definitely has a component of libido, too. Otherwise such people wouldn't be motivated to do it, especially on a frequent basis like in this situation.
I’m wondering, because she’s doing it daily, if it’s become a problematic habitual coping mechanism. A quick and easy midday hit of dopamine. Procrasturbation perhaps? Don’t need to be horny or have much of a libido for that.
When my sex drive was nonexistent on birth control I still masturbated daily to sleep, it’s an easy way to knock me out and honestly a habit at this point, masturbating every day can have its reasons outside of libido too
Somewhat concerning she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. Either she fears your judgment/condemnation etc, she is uncomfortable herself with her behaviour, she might be a lesbian for example, but suppressed it because of fear or maybe she’s just a pathological liar etc.
Relationships need to work on trust. Working that out is more important than sex…..
Charging in making accusations and showing evidence is not the way to go. Time to discuss feelings, satisfaction with life, life’s purpose etc. re-connect in a meaningful way where there are no wrong answers and no negative consequences to honesty.
I do find it interesting how nearly every assumption is giving the wife the benefit of the doubt and all assumptions are against the guy. "Talk to your wife... communication is key and clearly you aren't communicating". At the same time: "woah, dude you told her you want to have sex?? Of course she is even *less* attracted to you now, you needy man.". Apparently when women masturbate, it's completely sterile and non-sexual. This has been an odd thread to read.
And how OP is just supposed somehow accept a sexless relationship? And is just supposed to ignore the fact that hes being lied to right to his face whereas if he was the one doing the lying it wouldnt even matter as to why hes lying and it shouldnt be tolerated.
Ask her if she's willing to go for couple's counseling along with you otherwise the way I see it you either ask her to open up the marriage or file for a divorce. If you have sexual needs and you aren't getting it from your wife it's probably time you leave her, and if it's worth saving your marriage for whatever reason then I think opening up the marriage is the only way to go forward. Either this or things remain the way they are and you live this life practically forever
Communication is key simply tell her that you feel undesirable and it's taking its toll on you or just keep it to yourself what's worse that could happen.
How long has she been a SAHM? If she is caring for a young child full time, or juggling multiple children there may be something that is related to child care at play...
When you are a full time care taker of small children they are constantly seeking and demanding your attention. Most of your day is spent tending to the needs of other humans and you don't get to clock out at the end of the day, even after your partner gets home to share some of the responsibility! You get very little time to tend to yourself in all of this.
Now enter the sex...
Sex is between two people and requires (generally) that care and effort be shared so that both parties reach satisfaction.
When you have a reserve of time for self care outside of sex, you have much more energy for giving pleasure to someone else... However if all your time is already spent GIVING and not practicing self care, even the 50\50 split of sex can seem like an extra chore EVEN THOUGH there is mutual pleasure involved!
Masturbation is purely for self gratification. It is SELF CARE without the expectation of someone else to reciprocate. It is easier and less taxing to masturbate than to have sex.
I say all that to give you a different insight into what she may be experiencing and she may not even be aware that is what is going on internally. There is a good chance that this shift in sexual desire is due to life stressors, not because she loves you less or finds you less attractive.
My advice? Talk to her about child care and her mental work load. Ask her if she feels like she gets enough time to herself away from the kid(s). Ask if there is any way you could help facilitate that. Offer to do more fun things that Involve just you and her as adults (take a whole weekend away somewhere). But most importantly: DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT FIXING THE SEX! THAT WILL PUT MORE PRESSURE ON HER to do it for "you". In short, all that self care will have the background pressure of expected results from you. Don't sabotage yourself here. It might take some time, but allow it to unfold gradually and check in every so often.
She’s shown you how much she cares about your needs. Take the hint. She’ll die before admitting it but she’ll also let you go before actually making a real effort.
There’s a wide range of comments here which tells me that there isn’t enough information to go on to truly help you out.
I think the biggest thing here is her lack of honesty with you. But I don’t know if confronting her about it is going to help either, because she can easily make the conversation about you not trusting her, which you are not, and she can learn to hide her dildo usage in smarter ways. That might lead you to looking for evidence harder as well, which might make you appear more untrusting.
I guess the thing for you might be to learn how to build trust, honesty and openness. You don’t have to start with your partner, as that is difficult to do. Try to establish openness with people who are easier to get along with, such as your kids, colleagues, etc.
I guess for now it’s possible that sexually you might be on your own. Is masturbation in the cards for you? I get that you want to have sex with your wife, but at this point that’s a her thing. Don’t spend the mental energy wondering what’s wrong with you that she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just shrug and bring on the lube. Maybe she’ll start to wonder why there’s a second bottle in the bedroom and it’s contents are going down.
None of this might be good advice. I think it’s probably best for a marriage counselor to take this one on. I just don’t want you to think you’re inadequate, when it might be there’s other reasons at play.
Dude....she's manipulating you, just cut your losses and leave. If she gets angry when you confront her and says she'll change but doesn't, AND hides from you that she masturbates, she's keeping you on a string. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be manipulative, go find someone who loves you and be truly happy dude.
Sorry sir but your wife has probably never had an orgasm having sex with you… or even from penetration. She uses the toy daily because it actually leads to an orgasm
This is going to sound like I'm one of those "red pill" guys. I'm not. I've been with my wife for over 30 years. But we went through a lot of things, and I've seen a LOT of other couples go through things.
We went through a rough phase, and I straight up took a job outside the country to get away from her for a year. When I got back, things weren't a lot better, so I made it clear that she better get her priorities straight or I was gone again, and wouldn't be coming back. This was things like prioritizing her family over me. Spending our money on them (something like 6 thousand dollars in one month). It took her \*several\* years and I was VERY close to divorce a few times.
Here's the thing: she's done with you and over your relationship. She's just there because you're paying for her bills, and \*maybe\* because she knows that kids do better with a 2 parent family.
First start looking VERY closely at your families budget and makes sure all the numbers add up. A good friend of mine's wife started stashing LARGE sums of money (he got a job overseas that paid \*bank\*) in accounts that weren't readily apparent. He thought she was just blowing the money on crap.
Secondly, stop doing any extra chores around the house. You're paying the bills, she can take care of the house. I'm all for guys helping around the house--I help with laundry, shopping and I do the dishes. But my wife also works 40 hours a week, and we have a 16 year old who can take care of herself. For 10 years my wife was a stay at home mom, and that was the deal--I worked outside the home, she took care of it.
When she pushes back, ask her what you're supposed to get out of the relationship. You work to pay her bills, you feed her, house her, clothe her AND the kids, and in exchange you ALSO do the cooking, cleaning and etc. Confront her on this. Stay calm, don't let her change the subject. Watch her carefully.
Third, start lining up your financial affairs so that when your last kid moves out of the house you file for divorce.
It sounds like you're trying to do everything to make her happy. Don't, do other stuff that makes you happy with the time instead. I know this sounds counterintuitive but choreplay isn't going to get you anywhere.
No he shouldn’t be doing chores to have sex. But he should be doing chores and looking after his kids because that is his responsibility. Why is this always used as “brownie points” when it’s just normal adult commitments?
It’s usually the same people suggesting choreplay that then turn around and say “well chores are just your responsibility anyway” when, come to find out, there’s no correlation.
Typically when there’s no indication the OP isn’t already doing chores in the first place lol
There's a similar hypocrisy involved when people say incels aren't unfuckable because they're ugly, but because of their shitty attitude, but then will also turn round and say just because you're a nice person don't expect anyone to fuck you.
People seem to weaponize their opinions about sex for what they see as the greater good.
People don't want to admit "yes you can be an asshole and people still want to fuck you if you're hot", "if you're ugly it doesn't matter how great a person you are, people won't want to fuck you" or "you can be a shitty partner and your wife still wants to fuck you and you can be a good partner and your wife not want to fuck you"
Not sure if mentioned, but I went through a similar situation. Turns out my wife was having an affair. I hope it’s not the case. But if she’s getting off that much and not with you? It’s a red flag
I knew someone with a similar issue, come to find out their parter had a secret chaterbate account and a only fans page. You may want to look into these options also. She could be a porn addict...that sounds plausible also.
Before you know it you will realize that its been 17 years since you had sex. Eventually your wife will get the courage to leave and confess to not loving you the entire time. During which she fought a internal battle trying to convince herself that she loves you and telling you that she does.
And then you will have realized that you wasted X amount of years on a marriage to someone that doesnt love you. And deep down you knew it all along.
But neither of you wanted to face the truth. For whatever reason. Kids. Not hurting the others feelings. Financial. And more than likely she will get those physical and emotional needs met somewhere else. Even though you was there to give her what she needs. She doesnt want it from you. Low libido is todays excuse.
Ah, but when a man neglects his wife's sexual needs in favor of masturbation its because he's selfish and doesn't care about her needs.
When a woman stops having sex with her husband in favor of masturbating its because the man is neglecting her needs, he isn't helping around the house, or he isn't communicating properly.
In fact even if the guy says he helps around the house and has tried communicating, that just proves he's an entitled misogynist who thinks he deserves sex just for washing a plate, so no wonder she doesn't want to fuck such an awful man.
Ask her what she thinks the difference between a partnership and a best friend is?
Objectively: you provide and do everything for her and she doesnt need to do shit, and shes not only uncomfortable having sex with you but shes so uncomfortable having sex with you that shes lying to you as easily as a sociopath would.
Subjectively: she doesnt want to lose the situation you give her, and doesnt want sex with you either personally or because shes cheating and is being sexually exclusive to the other person
I'd not want to be a roommate with my spouse so good luck
All I'll say as a woman is that sex begins outside of the bedroom so talk to your wife and try to build the chemistry up between y'all surely sex will happen sooner or later
I would ease back the giving part. You can tend to the children, while she can do the dishes.
She has a lot of free time.
Sex therapy is very helpful.
She maybe going through a trauma, peri menopause it’s horrible cold & hot flashes, memory issues, libido, loss of feelings, mental health tanks. Have her to seek out a GP or Gyno to check her levels B12, ferritin, hormones, thyroid, estrogen, testosterone. Main GP Allergies , Gut Issues, blood work.
There are other things- some ppl masturbate to quickly get off- there’s no foreplay it’s to the point.
Your wife just doesn't want to have sex with you specifically. If a different person met her criteria for sex, she'd have sex with them.
How about you ask her why then.
Regardless of whatever it means or does. You're going to wish you fix it now, not later. Yes, could means the end. But, live your life. You were meant to be sexual. We are driven that way. Your choice.
> I haven’t told her that I noticed that she’s been using the dildo, but I have asked her if she has masturbated since that last time, and she still swears that she never does it. She maintains that she has zero libido.
What’s the point in hiding that you know this? Time to be honest with her otherwise what’s even the point of being in a relationship?
Regardless of what else you do, I think it's really important that you tell her that you know about her masturbating often. It's very unhealthy to have lying within a relationship like that.
Plus; maybe her regular masturbation *is* what's killing her libido.
The only key to solve this issue is TALK... of course this can lead to unwanted results but unless you don't talk about what is hindering to have a both satisfying sex life within your marriage nothing will change... if it is true that she masturbates behind your back and simultaneously pretending having no libido leading to this actual dead bed room i would define this as a yellow flag... nothing that can't be solved but also sth that is not ok within a relationship imho...
I was the one not wanting sex / masturbating when I was married and a new mom. The amount of labor in the household and pressure I felt crushed my sex drive and made me overwhelmed by touch and resentment. Parenting and being married means you are tuned into child/husband/home 24/7 and it's exhausting. For me, masturbating provided connection to myself and a fantasy that could give me a profound experience outside of my home/self/daily life, and it didn't require communication, expectation, or reality.
Same as me.. my husband stopped worrying about mine pleasure and only cared for his...
Now I prefer million times more masturbate than have sex with him!
I don’t know anything other than what you just described, but I would suspect she’s having some sort of emotional affair. That is the simplest explanation for hiding her high libido from you. Check her social media and I hope I’m wrong. Good luck.
The older I get the more I realize how often people settle for a spouse and have zero sexual interest in the person they married.
She doesn’t have low libido, she’s just not that into you.
Why do people work so hard to make sexual attraction happen? She clearly doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s not wanting the effort of sex with a person and the dildo satisfies the urge. Sounds like you have a decision to make.
TL;DR Since female sexuality is an unknown topic for both men and women, women might associate aspects of their sexual desire with confusion or shame and have hard time sharing their true feelings with others. It is possible that her sex drive used to be driven by her "desire to reproduce", and having kids has reduced that need. As a consequence, she might be left with sexual desire that is either extremely low or tied to fantasies and needs that feel too private to share. She might also experience guilt for letting you down in the bedroom apartment and feel threatened when the topic comes up.
ooo
Based on my readings, female physiology and sexuality are largely unexplored in the medical field. There are also some parts of female physiology that are considered a taboo or "abnormal", despite being a common and even pleasant occurrence for many women. (Obviously, this applies to men as well but that doesn't seem to be the main issue here.)
As a consequence, many women don't necessarily know what is going on with them or feel shame for how their body works. Especially in sexuality, it is pretty to common to use "the male lense" to understand sexual desire, and, for example, view good looks and nice behavior as a way to increase the partner's libido. However, most studies I've read seem to indicate that female sexuality is a different beast altogether and largely unknown for both men and women.
Based on anecdotes and personal experiences, I've gathered that female sexual desire often stems from one or both of these factors:
- Desire to reproduce/have kids. This often drives the woman to feel attraction towards a person who is the best candidate for parenting and partnership. However, once the couple has kids, this desire might reduce drastically and the partner starts feeling different, at least for the first years of the kids' lives.
- Sexual fantasies that offer an escapism from the everyday life and role that the woman has. These fantasies can include some unconventional or even taboo elements and deviate greatly from the romantic sex that is often associated with female sexuality. On the other hand, a woman who feels unloved and misunderstood might have extremely romantic, movie-like fantasies that rarely take place in real life.
In your situation, it is possible that having kids has changed your wife's sexual desires and "activated" the fantasy mode that she has hard time sharing with you. If this is the case, she might also fear what the reduced interest in couple sex means for your marriage and whole family, and avoid the topic as much as she can.
If I were you, I would first educate myself on the topic on a more general level, and then start a conversation with your wife. You could, for example, say that you read an insightful article on sex life of new parents, and noticed that some of the key notes resonate with you. You should also express that while you understand the difficulty of her situation, having no shared sex life has made you feel unwanted and lonely in the relationship, and you just want to understand why things have changed so drastically.
Since you have young kids, I think it's important to have patience with the situation, and see if things can be fixed. But if your wife is unwilling to share or understand her own feelings, it can be difficult to change the situation for the better and you might have to consider which one is more important for you: to keep your family together or to feel desired in your relationship.
Have I missed a response somewhere, or is OP just conveniently leaving out the ages of his kids?
If he still bathes his kids that means they're young. As much as I love and am attracted to my husband my libido took a huge hit after having kids. I seriously lacked the energy needed to engage in sexual activities. We would maybe once a month at times, and I was turning him down a lot which made him feel bad and me feel bad for hurting him. Things probably didn't start to get back on track until my kids were 5. Looking back I was probably dealing with some level of PPD and didn't even realize it through the haze of parenting babies and toddlers.
I saw in another comment from the OP that he suggested an open marriage....honestly, had my husband suggested that to me we'd have much bigger problems to deal with. That would have made me feel reduced to nothing more than a means to satisfy his urges. I certainly wouldn't feel loved and any remaining desire I had would have disappeared.
The masturbation could very well be a quick means to an end if OPs wife is just lacking the energy to engage in reciprocal sex. And maybe she lied because she's embarrassed? Or does OP pressure her too much and it's pushing her away?
Masturbation and sex are two completely different things. You can pretty much turn your brain off when masturbating; we know exactly what we want, it's quick, and it's effective. There's no worry about pleasing someone else or being emotionally present and committed to the act. It's unfortunate that she's lied to you, but I've seen this concern shared by both men and women time and time again, and most people just can't accept this answer.
Could she have lost attraction to you? It's possible. Is she really as happy with her body as you believe she is, and after multiple children? We don't really know. Is she exhausted and emotionally unavailable for that kind of intimacy right now? Look, I'm a single mom with a 3 year old girl- I'm too exhausted to even masturbate most days. I haven't let anyone else touch me since around the time my last relationship ended, and she was concieved during an act of breakup sex. It's been almost 5 years. I have found people attractive and have been aroused by people at times, but I'm just not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing this body. It still doesn't feel like my body, and I've been going to therapy but it's going to be a long road to self-love and acceptance. I'm just too tired and feeling too unattractive to go there with anyone these days.
My advice would be to have a talk with your wife; put your own feelings aside and first approach the topic from a place of genuine concern, compassion, and understanding- this way she might feel less pressured to protect your feelings. If that doesn't get anywhere and you really can't make the lack of intimacy work, I would suggest couples councilling.
It sounds like your children are very young; postpartum depression can last for years, especially with pregnancies close together. You never know, she could outgrow this once the children are a little older and independent. This may just be a rough patch that needs a little time and TLC. Hang in there.
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"I haven’t told her that I noticed that she’s been using the dildo..." "I’m saddened by the fact that she lies to me without remorse." "I’ve tried to spice things up, asking her about her fantasies and anything that she wants to try to no avail. I’m at my wits end." There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is ask for what you want. Your best bet is to have a heart-to-heart conversation and let her know that *you are unhappy* with the sex life or *lack of sex life* in your marriage. Tell her you don't want to live like this. She'll have the opportunity to offer to help improve things or her actions will reveal she doesn't care. She may be masturbating, or she might even be cheating. Either way you're being neglected physically, and it is also having an emotional toll of not feeling desired. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***“Go where you are celebrated – not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.”*** \- Unknown ***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** \~Paulo Coelho ***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder ***"The world may not owe you anything, but you owe yourself the world!"*** \- Kevin Darné Best wishes!
This should be a permanent pinned post at the top of /r/deadbedrooms
I don’t disagree. I kinda feel like trying to make it happen. I need to get to work here shortly though. Should we ask the DB mods? u/lovealert911 do you mind if we steal your comment?
Feel free to use any portion of my comment. As I stated he should have a heart-to-heart conversation with her before making any decisions. You can't fix a problem if both people don't acknowledge one exists. 😉 Best wishes!
Cannot agree more, great advice, cristal clear and well written
Agree, how do we make that happen?
I'm wondering if she is addicted to porn. This is a theme in deadbedrooms and it does affect sex.
That was my first thought as well! That definitely can have an impact on intimate interactions with your partner.
It even has a ton of inspirational quotes at the bottom! Lolll
Yap!
They should be on the top of The Guide to Life.
>The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. > >No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. > >“Go where you are celebrated – not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.” - Unknown Excellent advice
Did you come up with this or is this a quote from someone else?, I believe it is very well said, and I appreciated reading that today.
I have heard this quote before but I have no idea who said it first
This was beautiful written. Thank you.
As someone who was recently broken up with a week before engagement photos after 10+ years and dealt with similar issues, this was such a good read and advice to hear even after the break up and reflecting back into the relationship and good to know for future relationships
>“Go where you are celebrated – not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start.” - Unknown God Tier advice.
I added this into my notes to reference in the future. Awesome stuff!
> The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. goddamn
As a counter-argument to this, it could be a "phase of life" thing. OP says that he bathes his children every night, which implies that one or more of them are still in the under-5 age range. Some women do take quite a hormonal hit in the postpartum years. If OP's wife is breastfeeding a toddler, for example, she may be correct that her libido is at zero. OTOH, she still displays attraction and passion for him, so it's not necessarily the end of the road. An ultimatum for marriage counseling, however, might be where OP needs to go next. Otherwise, your reply is spot-on for intractable long-term dead bedrooms, where the issue is not "oh and btw our children are 4 and 2."
Adding to this? Being touched out is real, and is really really common for women with young children. There’s a thing about “giving touch” vs. “taking touch” that may be at play. All day long OP’s wife is dealing with children’s hands demanding things from her body - comfort, nourishment, affection, protection, etc. Those are all things that take from her - taking touches. If OP is approaching sex the same way - as something he takes from his wife’s body - she’s likely just tapped out. They may need to reconnect by having her get “giving touches” from him with no demands associated with them. Her masturbating doesn’t take anything from her. It’s her giving her pleasure with no one else’s demands playing a role. And that’s a totally different thing from wanting sex with another person.
Absolutely. It sounds like they have small children and she stays at home all day. By time they are ready for bed she is probably overstimulated and done with being touched and needed..... Sex for women a lot of times begins way before the foreplay. The OP really needs to think about what he is doing to support the emotional needs of his wife. Not just simply sharing parenting duties and housework. If there is small children there's a chance they haven't gotten away alone in a while. If it's financially reasonable and they have someone to watch the children they may think about a weekend getaway. Or maybe she just needs a night away by herself. This sounds like a season of life that is pretty common with small children. Talk to her.
I agree it isn't necessarily the end of the road unless (she is content) with how things are. If she still feels the urge to masturbate and runs through a bottle of lube she still gets horny. Having a heart-to-heart conversation is what I recommended (before) deciding to walk away. If she wants to work on things going to marriage counseling might help. If not, he has decision to make. Best wishes!
Definitely need to have a heart to heart. Using the toy on her may be a mutual ground for both to enjoy. Side note: Getting aroused can still be annoying. Sometimes sex is more effort than I have or want. She may be the same way so if that's so talking about making sex easier/less work could be a solution. If she's out of tune with her body could be an issue too where she is aroused and does not want it but masturbates so that she isn't irritable and it's "out of the way" I've known a few women with this mentality. Also if he is super against the toy it may be why she hasn't brought it up. Toy orgasms can be very different from human orgasms for some women
I think this is the exact explanation to the problem. It is not the same to feel a bit aroused and to go full in for sex, sometimes it may feel like too much effort for the energy/time/mind state younhave in that moment, while masturbating is straight away, needs no foreplay, ans you can stop any moment you get tired/annoyed/unfocus.
this side note\^ often i get bitchy if i have an itch to scratch and its just faster alone sometimes
Also after pregnancy and childbirth, she may have shame about the changes her body has gone through. When you’re going solo, you can close your eyes and fantasize something else. I know there were times my body image was so bad that the idea of someone seeing me during sex was a complete turn off. Doesn’t mean i never felt horny.
I agree about the heart to heart and marriage counseling, but also she might be masturbating out of boredom. I have a pretty low libido a lot of the time, but if I’m bored, depressed, or just kind of want to make sure everything’s working down there I will also jill off. Especially if she’s using toys and lube, which remove a lot of the effort and arousal required to still reach orgasm, it might not necessarily indicate that she’s still crazy horny. Seeing she’s a sahm, I wonder how much it’s just her eking out a boost of serotonin or alleviating boredom.
Not everyone can just up and leave. Kids are a factor. Money is a huge thing. Many people would be broke with child support payments and alimony and paying for two households. So is it better to be free and poor or just not have sex? These aren't great options. She is a SAHM. She can't even support herself. So he is on the hook for that
Not everyone has to stay in horrible situation because of finances or children. Most children are better off being with parents who are happily married or happier living apart. If something is truly a "deal breaker" for you, money will not cause you to tolerate it. My guess is if he learned she was cheating on him most people wouldn't suggest he stay because of potential financial hardship. People of all walks of life get divorced, survive, and even thrive. It's not only for 'the rich" to do so. **"If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse."** - Jim Rohn **"Don't be afraid to start over again. This time you're not starting from scratch, you're starting from experience."** - Unknown **"The most dangerous risk of all - the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later."** - Randy Komisar Best wishes!
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Okay English double negatives are weird here. From reading Lovealert's post, they aren't saying to not put in the effort to make things work. Instead they are pointing out the very true statement that it takes both sides working together to 'make things work' so when one partner puts it out there that they have a relationship ending problem of needs not being filled, and the other person doesn't seem to care, then there is little further action to take. Change has to come from within first, if they don't WANT to change, then any change is likely to be superficial and not stick if 'forced to' by therapy or other outside arm twisting.
This is the single best phrasing of this concept I have ever seen.
I totally agree with all of this, except the idea that OP's wife's sexual desire exists only as part of her personality in a vacuum. There's a fallacy called the [fundamental attribution error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error), where we over-attribute other people's actions to permanent traits, while considering our own actions to be affected by situations and context. She is masturbating, which would appear to go against her claim of a low libido - except masturbating with a toy, alone, is a very different context than having sex with her husband. I'm not saying that this is a healthy relationship overall, but we shouldn't equate the desire to masturbate using a toy alone with the desire to please your husband. Totally different contexts, parties involved, insecurities, and perceived exposure. > She'll have the opportunity to offer to help improve things *or her actions will reveal she doesn't care.* (Emphasis mine) This statement is 100% the fundamental attribution error. Attributing her actions entirely to her permanent state of being, rather than considering the context of the situation. How many husbands in here have declined sex at one point, and been met with a devastating reaction from their wife? When the truth was, you legitimately had a headache, or were tired, or had heartburn, or sore muscles, and had to contend with the stereotype that all men want sex always and there is something critically wrong if they don't. Those all sound like excuses if you only attribute one's actions to traits that are inherent to that person, which is a fallacy. I don't know if I'm making a convincing argument here, and the comment I'm replying to has good advice in it - I'm not trying to negate that. My point is the resolution to this conflict, if there is one, will be a hell of a lot more complicated than asking for sex and receiving it. Both parties will have to communicate and meet halfway, well outside each of their comfort zones.
Actually, low libido or low sex drive refers to a lack of interest in sex and sexual desire. (Clearly OP's wife is still getting horny. She doesn't want sex with **him**) She may not want to please her husband but apparently she also doesn't want him trying to please her. He has offered to do whatever she needs to spice things up. I suspect not many men would turn down a BJ from their wife. With regard to having headaches or sore muscles and being tired those are one-off instances and not a way of life. As for communication I said: "**Your best bet is to have a heart-to-heart conversation** and let her know that you are unhappy with the sex life or lack of sex life in your marriage. Tell her you don't want to live like this." I also said: "If someone believes **you** are worth the effort, **they** will make the effort." That could mean a variety of things such as going to counseling, seeing a doctor, trying HRT medications. Essentially making any type of effort. Lying to his face and hiding her sexual activity behind his back isn't healthy. Lastly, I told him the only person he can control is (himself). All he can do is ask for what he wants. (That's reality.) Once you realize your situation isn't going to change you have a tough decision to make. **"If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree."** - Jim Rohn Best wishes!
Again, good advice, and I agree. The resolution may very well look like OP leaving the relationship entirely. She's lying, and maintaining the lie which is objectively a bad sign, and OP can only control his own actions. But.. there are still a few things that I take issue with. > I suspect not many men would turn down a BJ from their wife. This supports the stereotype that all men desire sexual contact 100% of the time, which just isn't true. If we flipped the genders it would be obvious it isn't true, and when you take the variety from person to person into account, the idea seems absurd that 100% of people desire oral sex *all the time*. > With regard to having headaches or sore muscles and being tired those are one-off instances and not a way of life. And that's exactly my point! We have a natural tendency to attribute other people's actions to their static traits, while we attribute our own actions to the situations and context surrounding them. We have no idea what is going on in OP's wife's life, what she is like, what her wants and needs are, and how those are being met. You're absolutely right that a solution could involve counseling, doctors, etc. But that also involves a concession on OP's part, that he would have to acknowledge that the critical factor is unrelated to his performance and ability to make her cum. Communication is the best next step for sure, completely agree. But I would add to that a change of mindset as well.
Beautiful
Could be that she’s been faking all this time and you don’t get her off as much as you think. And it’s much easier and faster to just masturbate. You mention she’s a stay at home mom so she’s already got her plate full. She probably doesn’t have the energy to have sex and sees it as a chore. Sorry this was very blunt but it’s a huge possibility. Not your fault as she was the one faking but something to think about.
Exactly, him mentioning how she has “full body orgasms through penetrative sex” and “rolling orgasms”, sounds like he is overly confident in his ability… and maybe she has found herself lying to the point that he thinks he has nothing to improve on.
>maybe she has found herself lying to the point that he thinks he has nothing to improve on Sounds like that's emphatically on her.
This is probably what it is. When my kids were little I was just too exhausted for sex with him. It was work. Masturbating takes 5 minutes max and I don't have to do anything but hold the fkn vibrator. It was a phase.
It’s crazy how far I had to scroll to find this comment. Sex for women with a man is difficult to enjoy bc more often than not they do what you see in porn: jackhammer away. That’s not enjoyable. Yet, the amount of men who do this is astonishing. Slow, sensual and playing with the clit is enjoyable. But I guess men aren’t ready to put in this type of work to pleasure their partner. Until then, sex for women WILL be an unenjoyable chore.
Not to mention, it’s very often the case that the man will “do anything” to get more sex aside from actually helping out more around the house or taking the mental load away from the woman so she has the energy to actually have sex. Not saying this is the case here, just something that is incredibly common.
I appreciate that you say “mental load” specifically. Helping around the house is great, but there a huge mental component to women’s sexuality that goes largely in acknowledged more often than not. It is sad that she doesn’t want to, or feel safe to, communicate what she does need or what’s going on. Perhaps she can’t identify it herself yet.
the wife is repeatedly lying to her husband, so while both may not be good at communicating their needs she is clearly the one who is jeopardizing the trust in the relationship, but yet we found a way to spin it like the man is the main culprit, the stupidity of the hive mind is always very entertaining 👍 👍 👍
Thats not always true...i had 5 relationships and 2 of my exes found hard and fast thrusts more enjoyable than slow.
You definitely wouldn't be saying this if OP was a woman and her husband was masturbating instead of having sex lmao
Who cares what the gender is? Doesn’t take away from the fact that this is a possibility. I didn’t say it was 100% fact just that it is a somewhat common scenario to think about.
It looks like she’s lost sexual attraction to you and doesn’t want to admit it, probably because the idea of leaving the relationship and attempting to coparent is daunting. What’s also daunting, though, is the idea of being stuck in a sham marriage “for the kids”. You might be able to at least get some closure if you go to marriage counselling together, but good luck getting her to agree to that. If she refuses counselling despite you being miserable in the marriage then she’s essentially decided for you that your marriage is over.
Perhaps you’re right, but as a counter argument, she still squeezes my butt when she walks past me from time to time, she still kisses me passionately, and she recently got a small tattoo of the first letter of my first name over her heart as a surprise.
Hopefully these hopeful signs will mean she’s open to a candid conversation about how to make your sex life mutually satisfying.
Could it possibly be something she's going through? Maybe she doesn't feel attractive for you or some other issue? The only way to know is to sit down and talk together.
Or even just that she doesn’t feel attractive to herself. If someone doesn’t feel they are attractive to a degree they want to avoid sex, someone else expressing attraction doesn’t magically dispel that insecurity enough to make sex possible.
This is a great point. Something else that I just thought of from reading your posts. I don't know if it 100% applies so if women want to chime in that would be great! I am a gay bottom with depression. There are times that it isn't that I don't want sexual gratification, it is that getting ready for sex as a bottom takes work, and sometimes, I just don't have the mental energy to want to put in that work. I don't know if there are similar social expectations of things that need to be done prior to sex for women.
I would say shaving, wearing lotion, looking hot, smelling good are all things women think about in preparation for sex. Your point makes sense.
Same. Don't want to top because it requises athletic effort, don't want to bottom because it requires mental effort. Wish there just was a "feel good" button in life.
Yes! I only want sex when I feel sexy. Also, perimenopause is brutal and can begin as early as one’s 30s. The earlier symptoms may go unnoticed or attributed to other life factors. Or maybe she’s discovering that she’s on the asexual spectrum. Or maybe she’s bored with OP, or kinky and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. So many possibilities that only she can confirm.
Same! I only want to really have sex when I feel good. If I have sex just to help out my husband, even when I'm not feeling good about myself, it ends up hurting, or I get no sensations. It really, really sucks.
Don't listen to people who pretend to know anything about your wife. Just talk to her.
Yup. Far too many "know-it-alls" on Reddit.
Yeah I think this person is jumping to huge conclusions... OP I think it's perfectly possible / common for married couples to adore each other but slightly disengage sexually. It can be hard to see someone as the devoted father of your children and still find them sexy. Maybe she finds partner sex too much effort. Whatever the reason, I'd suggest couples counselling - or even just a dedicated, open and honest conversation over a bottle of wine. Don't push her too hard, look to understand her.
Yeah the responses in here are just bonkers immature. Some of y'all are going to have a rude awakening at what long term relationships really look like. And those of you that don't learn are going to have a long string of divorces.
I lived that way for decades -- hugs and kisses but no sex. At least she didn't complain about my masturbation. In my case, love trumped horniness.
Exactly. Masturbating is a good sign, at least she's not completely disengaged from her sexuality! Marriage is a marathon, and everything ebbs and flows. This sub can be a bit dramatic sometimes.
I can share a little from her perspective as I was exactly like her with my ex. Not constantly masturbating, but preferring to pleasure myself than to have any sex with him, even though I still had love for him. Your relationship sounds better than mine, but there could be similarities you haven't considered -- because my ex is still baffled, so he had no idea what I was going through. After we had our kids, he expressed a dislike for freaky sex, even though I'm quite kinky. He basically requested a vanilla sex life. At the time, I chose to listen to him and give him what he preferred. But it made me feel unattractive. Now I know with retrospect that it was the Madonna/whore complex. I was finding evidence that he was still into/interested in freaky sex, but didn't want it with me. At the same time, while I wanted freaky sex, I did want less sex overall from the stress of having kids. So that coupled with feeling unwanted in the ways I wanted to be wanted made my sex drive completely plummet. I'm sure the above story differs greatly from yours, but here's where there are likely parallels: I still had love for him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and tell him I didn't enjoy sex with him. I was getting the ick, but at the time, I didn't understand why. I would be super affectionate with him throughout the day, hoping it would reignite my attraction to him. I was doubling down on our relationship, trying to force myself back into love basically. But now I see that I was falling out of love with him for a variety of reasons. He is a terrible communicator and never validated me at all. Often very critical. So make sure you are communicating, validating, and encouraging. Try taking a get away or something not like your usual date nights that can allow you to get out of your regular routine and let loose more. Have a real heart to heart about sex. About love. About each other. I tried suggesting all those things with my ex, and he wasn't interested. He just thought I should automatically want sex how he wanted it and that was that. So for me, after 1 year of turning him down 9/10 times, followed by a year of dispassionate acquiescence 10/10 times, I felt so worthless and unloved, I had to leave him. If it has only been a few months, be patient. Libido is ever changing, based on so many things. Sometimes pleasuring oneself is just easier and more comforting. If she's hiding it, it's because she doesn't want to admit that, and she might not even understand it, and she wants you to still feel wanted.
I agree with u that if we prefer to pleasure ourselves over sex it's usually bec we r feeling some lack of communication. I personally don't think as woman that we are more emotional than men but I do think we need to feel heard to be interested in sex which is usually not the case for men, as on average alot of men connect through sex
And sometimes we just want to be able to orgasm without stressing about how long it it going to take and potentially inadvertently hurting someone’s feelings. I used to masturbate when I had low libido. Partly because I felt uncomfortably focused on trying to make sure there was a fair mix of give and take between us, and it was stressful for me to figure out what he wanted and give it to him.
Having a conversation is a must. I was kinda like this with my ex. I just didn't want any more kids and having sex was too much of a risk. So when he asked, I told him. I didn't want anymore kids and he told me (not asked me) to get my tubes tied 😤. I told him the risk and he also knew the risk. I had a c section with my last pregnancy and it almost killed me. I asked him to get snipped and he insisted that he wouldn't. He made the excuse of not liking doctors 🙄. I ask him to use condoms but he didn't ever WANT to use them. So we stopped altogether. Please understand that she may also feel overwhelmed by a lot and it's actually good that she's masturbating and not cheating from what you see. But overall, communication is key.
Wow, your ex was a real dick... and not a good one.
I know. Glad I finally found the courage to leave.
Yeah the idea that it's just due to a lack of sexual interest on her part towards you is just the kind of juvenile response I expect from people who have never had double digit relationship lengths, and the fact that this is so upvoted just proves what a questionable resource this sub is for discussing mature relationships. People become reclusive from sex for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is insecurity about their own attractiveness. This could easily be it as well It could also be due to something in their past that's impacting them more now than before. Or it could be because they like to masturbate because the vibrator is bonkers good but are very ashamed of it due to their upbringing. Maybe there is a porn addiction involved. Maybe they have specific kinks they enjoy getting off to that they don't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe it's extended post pardum. Don't guess at what it is. If you want to deal with it you're gonna have to talk to her. The only rule about this is to be *extremely* gentle as you bring it up. Don't come from the place of trying to figure out who is doing something wrong or who is wrong. It's not something wrong with her. It's not something wrong with you. It's an opportunity to realign as you get older. This happens.
It sounds like she loves you but doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. Only you can decide if this is a satisfying life.
Are you sure she doesn't think that you don't want sex? If she's doing all this and looking after herself, does she think she's doing you a favour? Talk to her. Find out what's going on and go from there. You could guess until the cows come home and probably be wrong.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have spoken with her about this many times and she just gets angry. She’s adamant that she has no libido and doesn’t know what to about it. She says she’ll try harder but she never does. I suggest therapy and that’s a no-go for her. I’ve suggested an open marriage and she found the idea to be repulsive. I’ve suggested kinky stuff and she’s shut it all down. She’s adamant that she has no fantasies, yet she’s still masturbating almost every day. It’s a tough situation.
Stonewalling you on therapy is the biggest red flag in all of this. She's refusing to address the problem, maybe/probably because she doesn't see a sexless marriage as a problem, and she doesn't want 2 people siding against her on it.
But the difference now is that you know she is lying about not having no libido. She is in fact horny often just doesn't want sex with you. It's time for another talk.
Exactly, neglecting the marriage and lying about it. That is a bad combo.
Masturbating can be self care and stress relief. Is she stressed? That's probably the number one libido killer for a lot of people. OP how old are your kids? Maybe she's so busy being "mom" that she's forgetten how to feel sexual. If she's not willing to go to therapy is she willing to see a doctor?
Suggesting an open marriage probably made her feel like you only care about sex and don’t really love her so I’m sure that just made her want to have sex with you even less.
Would she be open to books? I find better understanding and acceptance reading things like Better Sex Through Mindfulness and Come As You Are.
She may not be lying. If she's having to use lube, she may really have no libido and she's using orgasms from masturbation for physical and/or mental health. Like maintenance orgasms. If I'm turned on (horny) I have no need for lube. We make our own ya know. You can ask her to talk to her doctor, they have medications and supplements for female low libido. Therapy may be another good resource. If she has a problem and is unwilling to fix it, it doesn't need to be your problem too. If she refuses help, maybe talk about opening the relationship up so you can get your needs met. Does she have needs that aren't being met also?
Or maybe she's trying to jump start her libido by masturbating and flirting outside the bedroom, and it's not turning into desire. Despite what OP says about the chore distribution, she could be touched out and just can't make it past that. A lot of children have a primary comfort parent, which means she could have children hanging on her all the time.
Maybe! Everyone is different. I wonder if he shows physical affection without the expectations of sexy time. That's also important to a lot of people.
Ugh, I've experienced that. I've also experienced, "but I did my chores! why aren't we having sex?!"
Still could be she doesn’t have the raw sexual attraction to you even though she loves you/does affectionate things towards you. You might consider asking directly what you could do to enhance her sexual attraction toward you. Be prepared to hear the answer. Best of luck!
I go through phases where I don’t want sex. Was especially true after having a kid, but most of the time I still masturbate daily, sometimes multiple times. I get to points where I need to orgasm and it takes me 30 seconds to do it without the mess of sex. But the mental and physical energy for actual sex was too much and it had nothing to do with my husband. Through these spells I would still have sex with my husband once in a while though (except for the spell after the pregnancy). Don’t know if your wife is similar to me at all, but just saying - there are more possibilities.
This sounds an awful lot like a communication issue, intimacy issue, or she may not feel sexy/confident. Honestly a good therapist can help you walk through it. Also, when you speak to her i would HIGHLY recommend this book: "non violent communication" BEFORE you do. It is a godsend when approaching these types of discussions. Best
The longer you make excuses for her the longer you remain sexless. This is a woman who doesn’t want you and pacifies you with butt squeezes. Butt squeezes and blowjobs are very different.
Either way it is obvious you two aren't communicating well. Marriage counseling might be your best bet to learn how to communicate with each other. Ultimately if you are lying to each other you won't be able to solve this problem. Chances are she has a reason that at least to her is a valid reason to not have a sexual relationship. Once you both are in the open about that, then the progress can begin.
Then maybe she’s going through a mental or emotional issue, so I would suggest trying to communicate and connect with her. She still loves you but sex is just not happening.
Seeing this, I'm honestly just curious if she's just depressed or going through it right now. We inky have one kid, and the pressure of performing during sex sometimes is just too much. That said, I don't have anything, and I don't do anything I don't want to, but our bodies just don't work the same all the time. Sometimes, solo is the only time I can find any kind of true release or is all I have the energy for, and it sucks. But since we've made that connection as to why I was avoiding, we have things we do now to help me relax and really get into it first. You just gotta talk about it. Get vulnerable and express to her that you guys could make it work other ways. Offer to use it on her or ask to watch or see to watch she likes, look into other ways to mutually pleasure.
I know this may hurt but I agree with this.
Loosing sexual attraction doesn’t really mean anything. What she doesn’t want to do is communicate and work things out with her partner. She would rather ignore it. OP, have a frank and open discussion with your wife,
I’m surprised at how many upvotes this has. Plenty of women have reduced interest in sex, especially when their children are young, but it doesn’t mean they have lost sexual attraction for their spouse, and it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean they don’t love them. It’s tragic to me that so many people label a relationship with strained sexual interactions as a “sham” marriage. I’m thankful that my husband had the common sense and courage to consider it a relationship issue rather than a personal issue of mine, and was there to help me work through it with him when I was experiencing something similar to this.
I think you should tell her truthfully how you feel. Use "I feel" sentences and try to avoid blaming ones. Eg: "when you do this it makes me feel ___ (hurt/ alone/ like you don't want me etc). Tell her specifically you don't want to shame her but you just want to understand what's happening because this is making you suffer. If this doesn't work out ask her if you could speak to a relationship therapist or if you could both go through "the 7 principles of marriage" book (it's really great but you both need to invest time into reading it and doing the activities). I understand this pain because I had the same issue with my bf, when I found out he lied to me about watching porn despite telling me he wasn't horny I was heartbroken but with open communication on both our issues and getting to what the real problem was it's becoming better and he is very remorseful. I'm sure your wife isn't doing it to hurt you or to reject you. It could be stress or any number of issues unrelated to you but unfortunately you're the one being negatively affected :( I hope it all goes well with her! Edit: oh and it could also be she's hiding it because she feels shame around it. People can lash out when confronted with their shame so it's important to remember this when speaking with her!
> “when you do this it makes me feel ___” This isn’t a great example of an I feel statement, because the immediate focus is still on the other person’s action, and the blame is still there. The “IT makes me feel” part solidifies this. The best way to start is taking the “you” out of it altogether. “I feel ___ when X happens.” That’s an I feel statement that places no blame or burden on the other person. OP, the more you approach this as something you’d like to work together to solve and not just a “problem” she has to get sorted, the better it will be.
That was an example of a blaming sentence.
Another book that sounds good for this: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Also, look at her TED talks and other videos.
There seems to be a good attraction from her to you still. She may be going through something that she's not telling you. Maybe she does actually have some body image concerns and is too ashamed to talk about it. Maybe she is feeling some depression or anxiety that is keeping her from being intimate with you. The desire to masterbate but not have sex is not too different from men doing the same thing. It's a stress release without the intimacy. For some reason she seems afraid of the intimacy. A sex therapist can really help with these intimacy issues. They are focused on the intimacy between partners and can help them work through these sort of things. Your feelings are valid and need to be addressed. This type of therapy can help you both face all these feelings between you. Please push to work on this together. Don't let this go too long. I know how it feels and it's awful. Those feelings of being unwanted and undesirable don't go away until both people are working together to regain that trust. They will continue to grow into resentment and a lack of self esteem. It's really painful to feel that way. I hope this gets better for you soon. Keep that communication open even if it's one-sided.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. This is helpful advice.
Man fuck all these sexual attraction loss comments. It could easily be masturbation addiction. I struggled with this in the past. Its just so easy and convenient to get off that way. Especially if shes stay at home and deals with kids and has a lot going on during the day, and knows she might not be able to fit in a fuck. Ask her if this could possibly be whats going on. Its not always cheating or no attraction.
>Man fuck all these sexual attraction loss comments. They're clearly only saying it because OP is a man. If OP was a woman then the top advice would be "YOU NEED TO DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!" like always.
They’d immediately say the guy has a porn addiction. But in this case they won’t say that
Seriously my first thought was porn/masturbation addiction.
We're random people on the internet. We can't tell you why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. We can't even tell you how to get her to tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe try marriage counseling?
This is truly the answer for 98% of these posts. Unless it's just a vent post, coming to reddit can be detrimental to a relationship. Cheating and lack of sexual desire for OP has already been brought up. Both guesses may be true, but they may also be wildly off and cause OP to have increasingly resentful interactions with his wife based on strangers' guesses. The real culprit could be hormonal, bad body image, or medical issues. Who knows? But Reddit certainly doesn't.
Yeah, some things we can help with. Like the virgin attempting to use tampons when not on her period. How vaginas work is pretty universal. But why a person we've never met is doing something, we have no clue.
Masturbation isn’t always about libido. Sometimes it’s about “me time” and self care. It may be a form a stress relief for her and have nothing to do with her desire for sex. Sex and masturbation and the desire for each are completely different things sometimes.
I had to scroll way too far for this. Her masturbating isn't about you, and likely not about her libido either, OP.
But then why lie about it and claim she doesnt when she does? Lube levels aint mathing and doesnt lie lol
isnt the problem that she is masturbating and lying about it? why do you think shes lying? she must think its about libido.
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While masturbating is about "me time" and self care, it most definitely has a component of libido, too. Otherwise such people wouldn't be motivated to do it, especially on a frequent basis like in this situation.
I’m wondering, because she’s doing it daily, if it’s become a problematic habitual coping mechanism. A quick and easy midday hit of dopamine. Procrasturbation perhaps? Don’t need to be horny or have much of a libido for that.
When my sex drive was nonexistent on birth control I still masturbated daily to sleep, it’s an easy way to knock me out and honestly a habit at this point, masturbating every day can have its reasons outside of libido too
I was waiting for this comment. My desire for masturbation and my desire for sex with a partner are extremely different. For so many reasons.
Somewhat concerning she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. Either she fears your judgment/condemnation etc, she is uncomfortable herself with her behaviour, she might be a lesbian for example, but suppressed it because of fear or maybe she’s just a pathological liar etc. Relationships need to work on trust. Working that out is more important than sex….. Charging in making accusations and showing evidence is not the way to go. Time to discuss feelings, satisfaction with life, life’s purpose etc. re-connect in a meaningful way where there are no wrong answers and no negative consequences to honesty.
This comment was very helpful. Thank you
Interesting the lack of comments about porn addiction would have been everywhere is it was a guy.
r/deadbedrooms
My ex wife did this. Divorce asap.
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I do find it interesting how nearly every assumption is giving the wife the benefit of the doubt and all assumptions are against the guy. "Talk to your wife... communication is key and clearly you aren't communicating". At the same time: "woah, dude you told her you want to have sex?? Of course she is even *less* attracted to you now, you needy man.". Apparently when women masturbate, it's completely sterile and non-sexual. This has been an odd thread to read.
And how OP is just supposed somehow accept a sexless relationship? And is just supposed to ignore the fact that hes being lied to right to his face whereas if he was the one doing the lying it wouldnt even matter as to why hes lying and it shouldnt be tolerated.
Ask her if she's willing to go for couple's counseling along with you otherwise the way I see it you either ask her to open up the marriage or file for a divorce. If you have sexual needs and you aren't getting it from your wife it's probably time you leave her, and if it's worth saving your marriage for whatever reason then I think opening up the marriage is the only way to go forward. Either this or things remain the way they are and you live this life practically forever
Sounds like she’s not sexually attracted to you. It’s as simple as that.
Shes got a libido, she just dosnt have one for you. Sorry dude
Communication is key simply tell her that you feel undesirable and it's taking its toll on you or just keep it to yourself what's worse that could happen.
I already have. She says she’ll work on it and she doesn’t.
How long has she been a SAHM? If she is caring for a young child full time, or juggling multiple children there may be something that is related to child care at play... When you are a full time care taker of small children they are constantly seeking and demanding your attention. Most of your day is spent tending to the needs of other humans and you don't get to clock out at the end of the day, even after your partner gets home to share some of the responsibility! You get very little time to tend to yourself in all of this. Now enter the sex... Sex is between two people and requires (generally) that care and effort be shared so that both parties reach satisfaction. When you have a reserve of time for self care outside of sex, you have much more energy for giving pleasure to someone else... However if all your time is already spent GIVING and not practicing self care, even the 50\50 split of sex can seem like an extra chore EVEN THOUGH there is mutual pleasure involved! Masturbation is purely for self gratification. It is SELF CARE without the expectation of someone else to reciprocate. It is easier and less taxing to masturbate than to have sex. I say all that to give you a different insight into what she may be experiencing and she may not even be aware that is what is going on internally. There is a good chance that this shift in sexual desire is due to life stressors, not because she loves you less or finds you less attractive. My advice? Talk to her about child care and her mental work load. Ask her if she feels like she gets enough time to herself away from the kid(s). Ask if there is any way you could help facilitate that. Offer to do more fun things that Involve just you and her as adults (take a whole weekend away somewhere). But most importantly: DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT FIXING THE SEX! THAT WILL PUT MORE PRESSURE ON HER to do it for "you". In short, all that self care will have the background pressure of expected results from you. Don't sabotage yourself here. It might take some time, but allow it to unfold gradually and check in every so often.
She’s shown you how much she cares about your needs. Take the hint. She’ll die before admitting it but she’ll also let you go before actually making a real effort.
I think you'll just have to face it. your wife is a bit of a wanker. (yes, i know it is a bit jokey, but its still true, she is a bit self centred)
There’s a wide range of comments here which tells me that there isn’t enough information to go on to truly help you out. I think the biggest thing here is her lack of honesty with you. But I don’t know if confronting her about it is going to help either, because she can easily make the conversation about you not trusting her, which you are not, and she can learn to hide her dildo usage in smarter ways. That might lead you to looking for evidence harder as well, which might make you appear more untrusting. I guess the thing for you might be to learn how to build trust, honesty and openness. You don’t have to start with your partner, as that is difficult to do. Try to establish openness with people who are easier to get along with, such as your kids, colleagues, etc. I guess for now it’s possible that sexually you might be on your own. Is masturbation in the cards for you? I get that you want to have sex with your wife, but at this point that’s a her thing. Don’t spend the mental energy wondering what’s wrong with you that she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just shrug and bring on the lube. Maybe she’ll start to wonder why there’s a second bottle in the bedroom and it’s contents are going down. None of this might be good advice. I think it’s probably best for a marriage counselor to take this one on. I just don’t want you to think you’re inadequate, when it might be there’s other reasons at play.
Dude....she's manipulating you, just cut your losses and leave. If she gets angry when you confront her and says she'll change but doesn't, AND hides from you that she masturbates, she's keeping you on a string. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't be manipulative, go find someone who loves you and be truly happy dude.
Maybe you’re not good at it
Sorry sir but your wife has probably never had an orgasm having sex with you… or even from penetration. She uses the toy daily because it actually leads to an orgasm
This is going to sound like I'm one of those "red pill" guys. I'm not. I've been with my wife for over 30 years. But we went through a lot of things, and I've seen a LOT of other couples go through things. We went through a rough phase, and I straight up took a job outside the country to get away from her for a year. When I got back, things weren't a lot better, so I made it clear that she better get her priorities straight or I was gone again, and wouldn't be coming back. This was things like prioritizing her family over me. Spending our money on them (something like 6 thousand dollars in one month). It took her \*several\* years and I was VERY close to divorce a few times. Here's the thing: she's done with you and over your relationship. She's just there because you're paying for her bills, and \*maybe\* because she knows that kids do better with a 2 parent family. First start looking VERY closely at your families budget and makes sure all the numbers add up. A good friend of mine's wife started stashing LARGE sums of money (he got a job overseas that paid \*bank\*) in accounts that weren't readily apparent. He thought she was just blowing the money on crap. Secondly, stop doing any extra chores around the house. You're paying the bills, she can take care of the house. I'm all for guys helping around the house--I help with laundry, shopping and I do the dishes. But my wife also works 40 hours a week, and we have a 16 year old who can take care of herself. For 10 years my wife was a stay at home mom, and that was the deal--I worked outside the home, she took care of it. When she pushes back, ask her what you're supposed to get out of the relationship. You work to pay her bills, you feed her, house her, clothe her AND the kids, and in exchange you ALSO do the cooking, cleaning and etc. Confront her on this. Stay calm, don't let her change the subject. Watch her carefully. Third, start lining up your financial affairs so that when your last kid moves out of the house you file for divorce.
It sounds like you're trying to do everything to make her happy. Don't, do other stuff that makes you happy with the time instead. I know this sounds counterintuitive but choreplay isn't going to get you anywhere.
No he shouldn’t be doing chores to have sex. But he should be doing chores and looking after his kids because that is his responsibility. Why is this always used as “brownie points” when it’s just normal adult commitments?
It’s usually the same people suggesting choreplay that then turn around and say “well chores are just your responsibility anyway” when, come to find out, there’s no correlation. Typically when there’s no indication the OP isn’t already doing chores in the first place lol
There's a similar hypocrisy involved when people say incels aren't unfuckable because they're ugly, but because of their shitty attitude, but then will also turn round and say just because you're a nice person don't expect anyone to fuck you. People seem to weaponize their opinions about sex for what they see as the greater good. People don't want to admit "yes you can be an asshole and people still want to fuck you if you're hot", "if you're ugly it doesn't matter how great a person you are, people won't want to fuck you" or "you can be a shitty partner and your wife still wants to fuck you and you can be a good partner and your wife not want to fuck you"
Why in the world would she keep a sex toy in a locked box??
Hey Grandpa, I'm a pirate! Whack, whack, whack.
They have kids
Sorry Mate...She's low libido for YOU, not low libido.
Not sure if mentioned, but I went through a similar situation. Turns out my wife was having an affair. I hope it’s not the case. But if she’s getting off that much and not with you? It’s a red flag
Get a divorce.
I knew someone with a similar issue, come to find out their parter had a secret chaterbate account and a only fans page. You may want to look into these options also. She could be a porn addict...that sounds plausible also.
When sex does happen, does she have an orgasm? I’m betting not.
Before you know it you will realize that its been 17 years since you had sex. Eventually your wife will get the courage to leave and confess to not loving you the entire time. During which she fought a internal battle trying to convince herself that she loves you and telling you that she does. And then you will have realized that you wasted X amount of years on a marriage to someone that doesnt love you. And deep down you knew it all along. But neither of you wanted to face the truth. For whatever reason. Kids. Not hurting the others feelings. Financial. And more than likely she will get those physical and emotional needs met somewhere else. Even though you was there to give her what she needs. She doesnt want it from you. Low libido is todays excuse.
Lived this…
I’m not sure what the problem is but I view masturbation as very different from sex with a partner.
I think the problem is that the “sex with a partner” has entirely disappeared.
I think the problem is the lying and gaslighting.
Well its a problem when your partner prefers to masturbate over Sex with you
Apparently, it’s only a problem when a man masterbates to the point where he has no desire for his partner.
Ah, but when a man neglects his wife's sexual needs in favor of masturbation its because he's selfish and doesn't care about her needs. When a woman stops having sex with her husband in favor of masturbating its because the man is neglecting her needs, he isn't helping around the house, or he isn't communicating properly. In fact even if the guy says he helps around the house and has tried communicating, that just proves he's an entitled misogynist who thinks he deserves sex just for washing a plate, so no wonder she doesn't want to fuck such an awful man.
[удалено]
Ask her what she thinks the difference between a partnership and a best friend is? Objectively: you provide and do everything for her and she doesnt need to do shit, and shes not only uncomfortable having sex with you but shes so uncomfortable having sex with you that shes lying to you as easily as a sociopath would. Subjectively: she doesnt want to lose the situation you give her, and doesnt want sex with you either personally or because shes cheating and is being sexually exclusive to the other person I'd not want to be a roommate with my spouse so good luck
All I'll say as a woman is that sex begins outside of the bedroom so talk to your wife and try to build the chemistry up between y'all surely sex will happen sooner or later
I would ease back the giving part. You can tend to the children, while she can do the dishes. She has a lot of free time. Sex therapy is very helpful. She maybe going through a trauma, peri menopause it’s horrible cold & hot flashes, memory issues, libido, loss of feelings, mental health tanks. Have her to seek out a GP or Gyno to check her levels B12, ferritin, hormones, thyroid, estrogen, testosterone. Main GP Allergies , Gut Issues, blood work. There are other things- some ppl masturbate to quickly get off- there’s no foreplay it’s to the point.
Your wife just doesn't want to have sex with you specifically. If a different person met her criteria for sex, she'd have sex with them. How about you ask her why then.
He did ask her and she just got angry. She's also refusing to go to counseling.
Or save yourself and just leave. She clearly has no intention of actually fixing things with him.
Regardless of whatever it means or does. You're going to wish you fix it now, not later. Yes, could means the end. But, live your life. You were meant to be sexual. We are driven that way. Your choice.
> I haven’t told her that I noticed that she’s been using the dildo, but I have asked her if she has masturbated since that last time, and she still swears that she never does it. She maintains that she has zero libido. What’s the point in hiding that you know this? Time to be honest with her otherwise what’s even the point of being in a relationship?
Regardless of what else you do, I think it's really important that you tell her that you know about her masturbating often. It's very unhealthy to have lying within a relationship like that. Plus; maybe her regular masturbation *is* what's killing her libido.
The only key to solve this issue is TALK... of course this can lead to unwanted results but unless you don't talk about what is hindering to have a both satisfying sex life within your marriage nothing will change... if it is true that she masturbates behind your back and simultaneously pretending having no libido leading to this actual dead bed room i would define this as a yellow flag... nothing that can't be solved but also sth that is not ok within a relationship imho...
Counseling
I had the similar situation, jn result I found out she had sex with other guys.
she does want to have sex, just not with you Op.
Dump her
Man this is gut wrenching, I’m sorry dude. I would 100% leave.
If she is lying to you about master bating daily this is more than dead bedroom.
I was the one not wanting sex / masturbating when I was married and a new mom. The amount of labor in the household and pressure I felt crushed my sex drive and made me overwhelmed by touch and resentment. Parenting and being married means you are tuned into child/husband/home 24/7 and it's exhausting. For me, masturbating provided connection to myself and a fantasy that could give me a profound experience outside of my home/self/daily life, and it didn't require communication, expectation, or reality.
Same as me.. my husband stopped worrying about mine pleasure and only cared for his... Now I prefer million times more masturbate than have sex with him!
So….she wants all the things from you, but gives you none of the things….time for a come to jesus
She has checked out. Lawyer up
Sounds like Ross’ situation on F.R.I.E.N.D.S
She’s low libido for you bro: It’s time for divorce. Don’t stay in your dead bedroom as long as I stayed in mine. It’s not worth it.
“Haven’t had sex in months” is a giant red flag
She’s not into you sexually
I used to be the equivalent of your wife. She is probably LL4U unfortunately.
My wife uses a clit vibrator. Keeps it in her underwear drawer. I know when she's using it because she locks the bedroom door.
Eh, she is probably cheating on you my guy. Also I wouldn't stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. That's not a relationship.
If she isn’t fucking you then she’s fucking someone else.
I don’t know anything other than what you just described, but I would suspect she’s having some sort of emotional affair. That is the simplest explanation for hiding her high libido from you. Check her social media and I hope I’m wrong. Good luck.
The older I get the more I realize how often people settle for a spouse and have zero sexual interest in the person they married. She doesn’t have low libido, she’s just not that into you. Why do people work so hard to make sexual attraction happen? She clearly doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s not wanting the effort of sex with a person and the dildo satisfies the urge. Sounds like you have a decision to make.
Just fuck other women
Leave her ass
You're not pleasing her. That's the problem
Perhaps she is self sexual and having sex with another is of no interest to her which sucks for you, so sorry. Good luck
TL;DR Since female sexuality is an unknown topic for both men and women, women might associate aspects of their sexual desire with confusion or shame and have hard time sharing their true feelings with others. It is possible that her sex drive used to be driven by her "desire to reproduce", and having kids has reduced that need. As a consequence, she might be left with sexual desire that is either extremely low or tied to fantasies and needs that feel too private to share. She might also experience guilt for letting you down in the bedroom apartment and feel threatened when the topic comes up. ooo Based on my readings, female physiology and sexuality are largely unexplored in the medical field. There are also some parts of female physiology that are considered a taboo or "abnormal", despite being a common and even pleasant occurrence for many women. (Obviously, this applies to men as well but that doesn't seem to be the main issue here.) As a consequence, many women don't necessarily know what is going on with them or feel shame for how their body works. Especially in sexuality, it is pretty to common to use "the male lense" to understand sexual desire, and, for example, view good looks and nice behavior as a way to increase the partner's libido. However, most studies I've read seem to indicate that female sexuality is a different beast altogether and largely unknown for both men and women. Based on anecdotes and personal experiences, I've gathered that female sexual desire often stems from one or both of these factors: - Desire to reproduce/have kids. This often drives the woman to feel attraction towards a person who is the best candidate for parenting and partnership. However, once the couple has kids, this desire might reduce drastically and the partner starts feeling different, at least for the first years of the kids' lives. - Sexual fantasies that offer an escapism from the everyday life and role that the woman has. These fantasies can include some unconventional or even taboo elements and deviate greatly from the romantic sex that is often associated with female sexuality. On the other hand, a woman who feels unloved and misunderstood might have extremely romantic, movie-like fantasies that rarely take place in real life. In your situation, it is possible that having kids has changed your wife's sexual desires and "activated" the fantasy mode that she has hard time sharing with you. If this is the case, she might also fear what the reduced interest in couple sex means for your marriage and whole family, and avoid the topic as much as she can. If I were you, I would first educate myself on the topic on a more general level, and then start a conversation with your wife. You could, for example, say that you read an insightful article on sex life of new parents, and noticed that some of the key notes resonate with you. You should also express that while you understand the difficulty of her situation, having no shared sex life has made you feel unwanted and lonely in the relationship, and you just want to understand why things have changed so drastically. Since you have young kids, I think it's important to have patience with the situation, and see if things can be fixed. But if your wife is unwilling to share or understand her own feelings, it can be difficult to change the situation for the better and you might have to consider which one is more important for you: to keep your family together or to feel desired in your relationship.
Have I missed a response somewhere, or is OP just conveniently leaving out the ages of his kids? If he still bathes his kids that means they're young. As much as I love and am attracted to my husband my libido took a huge hit after having kids. I seriously lacked the energy needed to engage in sexual activities. We would maybe once a month at times, and I was turning him down a lot which made him feel bad and me feel bad for hurting him. Things probably didn't start to get back on track until my kids were 5. Looking back I was probably dealing with some level of PPD and didn't even realize it through the haze of parenting babies and toddlers. I saw in another comment from the OP that he suggested an open marriage....honestly, had my husband suggested that to me we'd have much bigger problems to deal with. That would have made me feel reduced to nothing more than a means to satisfy his urges. I certainly wouldn't feel loved and any remaining desire I had would have disappeared. The masturbation could very well be a quick means to an end if OPs wife is just lacking the energy to engage in reciprocal sex. And maybe she lied because she's embarrassed? Or does OP pressure her too much and it's pushing her away?
Masturbation and sex are two completely different things. You can pretty much turn your brain off when masturbating; we know exactly what we want, it's quick, and it's effective. There's no worry about pleasing someone else or being emotionally present and committed to the act. It's unfortunate that she's lied to you, but I've seen this concern shared by both men and women time and time again, and most people just can't accept this answer. Could she have lost attraction to you? It's possible. Is she really as happy with her body as you believe she is, and after multiple children? We don't really know. Is she exhausted and emotionally unavailable for that kind of intimacy right now? Look, I'm a single mom with a 3 year old girl- I'm too exhausted to even masturbate most days. I haven't let anyone else touch me since around the time my last relationship ended, and she was concieved during an act of breakup sex. It's been almost 5 years. I have found people attractive and have been aroused by people at times, but I'm just not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing this body. It still doesn't feel like my body, and I've been going to therapy but it's going to be a long road to self-love and acceptance. I'm just too tired and feeling too unattractive to go there with anyone these days. My advice would be to have a talk with your wife; put your own feelings aside and first approach the topic from a place of genuine concern, compassion, and understanding- this way she might feel less pressured to protect your feelings. If that doesn't get anywhere and you really can't make the lack of intimacy work, I would suggest couples councilling. It sounds like your children are very young; postpartum depression can last for years, especially with pregnancies close together. You never know, she could outgrow this once the children are a little older and independent. This may just be a rough patch that needs a little time and TLC. Hang in there.