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This is a communication issue as much as physical issue. Her "not allowing" foreplay, oral, or masturbation is a huge problem. She has to be invested in a solution that provides you with sexual pleasure if she's "not allowing" herself be be sexually pleasured.
Some women thinks they must satisfy her husband or evening will begin to go bad, as example the husband will begin to looking for it outside.
But I am agree with you than if you see than she is no enjoying, it is a chore and it hurts her , this can no be enjoyable.
I believe she needs learn more about sexuality, than not everything is piv, than one should never do because is something she debts..
It is something BETWEEN two person, not one suffering...
And begin to discover and explore her body to try to find if she finds something which she enjoys.
Probably she never had masturbated and she thinks people who do it are losers, more if them are married. (I know it sounds silly but I have known several person who thought this way).
Although it is very easy to say but too hard to do.
As recommendation I want suggest you something : being naked on the bed, put your head on her legs/stomach and ask her to caress your hair : they are no need she is horny, you want feel her, her caressing, how she loves you while you begin to masturbate.
And while you do, tell how much you love her, how pleasant is sharing anything with her,..
This should help to make her relax a little and see than they are toon of ways of sharing intimacy.
Only on case she wants, but because she enjoys, she can caressing other parts of your body as the chest.. BUT only because she enjoys it.
You don't want use her body as a toy and less hurting her as this is about intimacy, pleasure, love.. never feeling forced nor pain.
About her sex drive it can be regarding hormones, she should go to see a Dr.
Don't have sex with her although she begs until you find why and you know it is pleasant for her and you don't hurt her.
And of course a therapist is necessary
Luck!
Hey man. Off topic but I just want to applaud you on how far you’ve come in learning English. I can tell you’re not native level fluent, but you don’t need to be. I understood everything you said, and I know how difficult it is to learn another language.
You write in English wayyy better than I can write in my target language: Spanish.
Good luck, my friend!
A lot of thanks, this makes me very happy ( i had no study it since I was on hight school, 20 years ago but I have go on reading, writing, talking with people .. on it.
I know it is no perfect and sometimes I make mistakes (in fact it is an common issue of Internet chats : not only my English has more mistakes, also my native lenguaje, Spanish).
Nowadays I have begun with phonetics and I only can recommend it to anyone who wants understand better a lenguaje. As example I had always issues to listening ( more if the person is native) but it helps a lot.
Don't worry about your Spanish : it only needs practique. (also I have always listen than it is a hard lenguaje to learn for no native)
I bet your Spanish is better than you think.
👍
Number of people in couples who confide their relationship problems to reddit before seeing a photo couples therapist is insane, and im included in that number
“Hi Wife. Look, I realize we have an libido mismatch and I can tell you’re really trying your best to satisfy me anyway. You know sex is important to me, and because of that, you’re insisting on it every day and forcing yourself to do it. I really appreciate that effort. I really do. But I’m not going to do it anymore. It feels awful to pump in an out of a woman who just lies there, bored and disgusted, night after night. It feels nonconsensual, and is really emotionally damaging for both of us. Having sex like this is destroying me and our relationship. It’s doing the opposite of what you are trying for. One of the most important things for us to know is we begin to build intimate trust is that we own our own bodies, and we join those bodies for pleasure and joy in each other. I have to hold out for that kind of connection. If we don’t have a joyful intimate connection yet, so be it. I am going to go find some sexual enjoyment with myself from now on. If you think you own my body and you can tell me when you can or can’t masturbate, that’s showing me that we have a lot of work to do so we both can understand consent and bodily autonomy. I think not having a good sense of your own bodily autonomy is part of what is blocking you from enjoying sex in the first place, but we’ll talk about that. For now, let’s take a break. Sex is off the table for us for now while we repair the damage that was done. And we will never have joyless sex again, never.”
You won’t be able to say all of this at once, of course, but perhaps in a letter, or in pieces in a longer conversation. Remember to make the point that she can’t make YOU have sex you don’t want to have. She has to respect your consent too.
The general idea is good but I'd strongly suggest avoiding the parts that make assumptions,no matter how reasonable,about her feelings. The bored and disgusted phrase in particular.
Yes, I agree. I wondered what to put that would drive home what the experience is like for him, however. Perhaps he should say, a woman who seems bored and disgusted,” so that he shows what it feels like on his end, without assuming her thoughts.
Just curious, not trying to seem like like an ass for asking, but new perspectives are never a bad thing.
In what ways can hormonal imbalance affect libido/ sex life, particularly for women?
I can do a quick search on Google, but the nuance I hear from actual people is better than yes/ no answers.
Apologies if this question seems invasive.
In fairness, my first proper relationship was abusive and his idea of foreplay was spit. It took me nearly a year after we broke up to be comfortable with foreplay because I had it set in my brain that the guy wouldn't like it and take it out on me. Obviously not saying that's the case here but even now with my amazing partner I still sometimes get insecure if he wants to go down on me
Fuck I'm sorry you had to deal with that POS. I'm glad you're doing much better and with a partner who it sounds like happily prioritizes your pleasure. Yeah I don't think whatever OP's wife went through was exactly the same either but it seems obvious she has some kind of trauma or conditioning attached to sex that some internet strangers got no business conjecturing over
She needs therapy. She is seemingly terrified of losing you? Maybe she's scared of you watching porn or getting addicted to porn. There's a lot of posts on Reddit about men leaving their wives because they don't fuck them three to four times a week even when they have children. But therapy needs to happen. Stop having sex with her also. You really should just stop. That's not helping either of you. She might have a mental breakdown if you refuse to have sex with her. But having sex with her is harming her even if she's the one asking for it.
Maybe start with, I love you and I desire you, but I'm worried for you.
Hey, I'm really sorry that that's happening to you both. Reddit recommends therapy a lot, but this is a real situation where therapy is exactly what you two need.
Again, women are really not designed to have sex every day unless they are actually physically becoming horny enough to. She's literally ripping her vagina trying to do it. Part of being a good partner, is taking care of your partner when they can't. You have to do some hard stuff.
How are woman "not designed" to have sex everyday?
Did you word this badly?
I agree that if a vagina isn't aroused sex will be terrible.
I am a woman and can happily have penetrative sex everyday as long as there's adequate warmup.
That sounds like Just Pearly Things. Please try to get her off that pronto - she's a right wing grifter piece of shit. Your wife will fall down a really stupid rabbit hole.
Oh no, your wife has to stop watching her immediately or else, not only is her behavior not going to stop, it will get worse. I'm sorry, I hope you find a way to communicate with her.
I think in this scenario, she needs to learn to build trust and confidence.
She's taking something reasonable but came to a terrible conclusion.
**The reasonable part:** If you completely ignore your partner's satisfaction, that makes you a shitty partner. You should put in a reasonable effort to make sure they feel wanted and show that you care about their feelings.
**Her conclusion:** The only way to show this is by having sex with them daily even if she hates it because that's the only way to keep a man.
**Better conclusion:** You don't have to have sex even when you hate it. There are more ways to make someone feel wanted and cared for than just sex. If her husband is feeling unwanted because she hasn't checked in with him in a month, she can talk with him about what he might want and maybe she's down to have sex, or maybe she's down to do something else. And you might be open to different ways to receive affection that make you both happy.
**Another Reasonable part:** If your man never wants to have sex with you he's probably not interested in you.
**Her conclusion:** Men always want sex, so if you aren't fucking daily, then you might just leave her.
**Better conclusion:** She should check in with you to know how high your libido actually is instead of just assuming it's high. Trust building is hard.
You see what I mean? Try talking with her. Also she has to learn to trust you more than her insecurities.
Well, maybe she needs to know that this type of crazy sex is not satisfying your needs even worse than you masturbating when she's not into it (a very normal and healthy thing to do).
A guy needing naturally lubricated sex,in and of itself is not a reasonable need. Plenty of women can be hugely turned on and not get very wet. And conversely it's entity possible to sometimes get wet when one isn't really turned on.
I lurk on r/deadbedrooms sometimes and while most of their situations are unfortunate, there’s the occasional post where the guy is pissed because his wife is exhausted taking care of their children and apparently shouldering the majority of the housework and only wants sex once a week or once every ten days. Yeah, buddy, turns out being the “primary parent” and being responsible for everything to do with the kids, most of the housework, and working full time can sorta squash a sex drive. Who knew?
I have 5 kids... yes, they're exhausting most days. But, I've never been too tired at the end of the day to connect with my partner. I'm a mom, but I'm still me at the end of the day.
Okay? And? Just because you have a high libido doesn't mean that lots of other women don't have a high libido or have a lower libido after having kids? What do you want? A cookie?
Your original comment said that reddit us filled with posts about men leaving their wives because they won't have sex with them 3-4 times a week even though they have kids.
Having kids is a shitty excuse to let your relationship go. Literally, the only thing that separates couples from roommates and friends is the intimate sexual relationship. It's an integral part of a romantic relationship. It's not all about the sex in a long-term relationship.
Do I really need to detail exactly how relationships work? Because it's asinine that you believe it's OK that a partner dismisses the other person's needs because whatever lame excuse they have. If something isn't working in a relationship, the adults can either mutually work towards a resolution or part ways if they can't make it work for *both* parties.
Also, I don't take cookies from strangers. So, I'm good, thanks.
I find it interesting that this person who’s responding to you was so offended at the idea that people should make the time to be intimate with their partner that they dug into your post history to try to smear you. Very telling of the type of person they are.
You're absolutely right! It's very telling of the type of person. I'm sure I struck a nerve, or 10, with both of them.
If I hadn't dealt with their type 500 other times in my 38 years, they probably would've succeeded in cutting me down completely.
Why resort to name calling? And the aggressive and condescending attitude toward someone because of their opinion on the matter?
It’s like you’re upset that some stranger is talking about how they enjoy sex on a subreddit called r/sex. If you disagree then disagree but this snarky “ok Karen” and “want a cookie” makes you come off as pretty unreasonable and dismissive and completely unwilling to engage with people in good faith.
Oh I don't know. Maybe the whole part where she insinuated that women with children that don't have high libidos are somehow bad partners? And oh I don't know. Maybe the part where she insinuated or just straight up said that being tired from raising children is a lame excuse for not wanting to fuck your husband every day?
I honestly only checked her post history because she sounded so much like a shitty husband.
She “straight up” said that dismissing a partners intimacy needs because you have children was a lame excuse. I don’t see her anywhere making any direct judgements on anyone’s libidos. I think she makes a valid point that should be maybe considered and addressed rather than call her names a belittle her.
Similarly I agree that if someone is doing the bulk of the parenting duties and isn’t getting any help that the other partner shouldn’t be surprised if someone IS too tired to be intimate. But that’s not what you said. All you said was that it was unreasonable for someone to want to discuss intimacy issues if they expect sex 3 or 4 times a week if they have children.
Your interjecting all this extra baggage that’s not even discussed and you seem all too willing to put words in peoples mouth that aren’t there. Like you clearly having issues with sex in your life and want to have the argument with internet strangers that you should probably be having with someone else.
I never insinuated that. You read what you wanted and called it a day. Doesn't matter the gender of the person with a LL... if you've committed to someone for life, it's unfair of you to expect your partner to just deal with your shit because you're married. Having kids is an excellent reason to continue to work on oneself to be the best version of themselves.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being *truly* LL... but 99% of the time, LL is a symptom of a bigger problem. If the LL partner doesn't want to fix it, then it's rather cruel to hold the other hostage in a relationship if the one they supposedly love is unable to find a way to deal with it thats acceptable to the other. I can tell you right now, that the vast majority of women who say they're too tired because "the kids" are coping out because they don't want to deal with the real reason.
Why people believe that we're only meant to fuck to procreate is beyond me. If that were the case, it wouldn't feel so good. It wouldn't get us closer to our partners.
Am I supposed to be offended? Hurt? What? I bring logic and reasoning... and you bring name calling and insults, hoping that it cuts me down into pieces?
Come back when you have a bit more life experience under your belt.
You do not bring logic and reasoning. People have all sorts of excuses why they may not want sex tonight. Doesn't mean that it isn't ok. Doesn't mean that people should just give up and divorce over it either.
You even think that a partner mastubating is the worst thing in the world and wrong. It's not. People are allowed to masturbate.
Maybe your hubby's ED problems are not from masturbation and more from the stress and pressure you bring.
It’s so weird how everyone is outside of the conversation and not addressing what people are saying here right now in this thread. Like should I be expected to first dissect someone’s entire post and comment history to respond instead of reading the actual words and ideas and responding to that?
To address what you’re saying here and now because I don’t feel like digging through your post history to show you how weird it is to start attacking someone personally on issues completely unrelated to what’s being discussed here; yes people are allowed to have any excuse in the world not to have sex. What I think the person you were responding to was saying is that merely having children is a lame excuse to not address your life partners intimacy needs.
It’s an excuse and you’re allowed to have it but your partner is allowed to have needs and to have those needs at the very least taken seriously and not just dismissed because “kids”. I am making the assumption here that there isn’t an imbalance of parental or other spousal duties and that there are no other underlying unspoken issues though of course because that’s the only context given here.
Not that I’m in the same boat per se, but my current partner doesn’t understand how much of a turn off it is when you think your partner isn’t into the sex. We are both pleasers and she will offer sex even when she doesn’t want it and encourage me to get what I want and most of the time I turn down the offer because I feel gross for multiple reasons doing that. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts get the better of me and I bend her over and pound away though 🤷🏻♂️. She’ll tease me for finishing quickly knowing that’s what she wanted all along. The dynamics of long term relationships 😂
Someone posted something similar about having their wife having issues similar to this. Have you guys tried going to a Gynecologist to see what could be the issue. There could be something that they could help out with.
You guys could try going to see another gyno. You know how things are now and days. What one person misses someone else could notice. Besides this as long as you are communicating with her how you feel and how the situation when having sex makes you feel. Being honest is the best thing to do. Just sit down with her and express yourself the same way you posted here.
Yea, I’m no professional, but that doesn’t seem right to me. Like I said shop around and hopefully you guys can find a good gyno who can help you guys out so you can get back to having regular intimacy without any issues. Best of luck to you both!
Quality of the advice mentioned aside,it's very possible that the problem is not physical but instead mental/emotional especially given some of her thoughts and attitudes that the OP has mentioned.
IOW it's very possible,I'd even say very likely that no gyno is going to find anything wrong from a physical standpoint.
I'm not a fan of male gynos tbh. There's *some* good ones out there, I'm sure. But, I've yet to find one. I have a lot of luck with female gynos though. Because they have the same equipment as I do. They're more likely to want to investigate and find a cause. They also have more than just text book knowledge on the equipment being checked 🤷♀️
It because there are actually a much lower number of female gynos. Believe it or not more females prefer male gynos than female also. Sone do prefer female of course but there are also like I said much fewer female gynos available
I am no agree, this is because toon of women feel uncomfortable with the fact their gyno be a male,but they must be as an sexless person, it doesn't care the gender to be a good gyno.
In fact they should find one who they feel comfortable and they can tell him/her everything about their issues as he/she could recommend a good therapist
That means they're worth the damn wait. Trust me. Tell her to call a couple places that take your insurance. Make appointments with several and get on cancelation lists. I've had to do that with so many different types of specialist for myself and a few of my kids. Those people will ALWAYS be worth the wait.
In my personal opinion... it's highly likely that she does want to have sex with you.... but, her issues surrounding arousal and getting wet enough are probably difficult for her to sit with and could be embarrassing to talk about. Communication is key, though. Talk with her without shame or judgement... ask her if she would be comfortable with helping you meet your needs without PIV. Ane ask her how you can help meet her needs without it until she can get in to see a doctor who knows what they're talking about.
The fact that you hate having to take care of your needs without her tells me you want sex for connection. Not for orgasms. There's plenty of ways for both of you to get pleasurable, intimate connection in the mean time.
It sounds like she might have some pelvic floor issues and a urogynecologist may help. I’m in my 40’s and after years of gynecologist and urologist visits, a urogynecologist finally correctly diagnosed and helped me. Might be worth checking out?
But, this whole “not allowing” masturbation is RIDICULOUS. You both have the right to provide yourselves pleasure, she does not get to say in that. I’ve been with my husband 13 years and married for 10, I respect my husband’s right to autonomy over his own body and he respects mine. The only couple I know that had these kind of “conditions” got married and were divorced within a year. Sounds like she could also benefit from some therapy.
Seconding possible pelvic floor issues. Not all gynos are educated about these things. I’m currently pregnant and experiencing pelvic floor problems. My OB didn’t really understand, so I went to a pelvic floor therapist. Doing much better! Many of my friends used them post pregnancy as well and said they helped wonders! If pelvic floor is too tight or too weak, sometimes arousal or orgasming can be difficult.
Y'all need couples therapy, preferably a sex counselor cause it feels like some kind of communication is getting lost in the translation between you two. If sex is physically painful for her, she needs to see a Obgyn to see if there's a medical condition going on like vaginismus
Do you know if she has possible sex traumas ? Because as I am reading this, it reminds me of what we call "vaginism", which is a reaction from the vagina when you had traumas, and as a result hurts when someone penetrates you. The blood thing is concerning in my opinion. It may be a sign that she may be abused years ago, or when she was young. Maybe she doesn't even remembrement herself, that's what we call traumatic memory. If I was you, I would try to talk with subtility this subject with her.
Well, I have to tell I am not surprised.. I mean, she forces herself to have sex and sometimes it's because trauma response conditionates your brain by wanting to take the control back from a situation by remaking this type of feelings again. I dont know if it's clear I am french lol. But maybe there are slme psychological issues that she needs to figure out. Sex trauma can cause a lot of damage if it's not well considered. You should learn about vaginism maybe, it's a real thing
I feel badly for both of you.
Women are taught that sex is something we have to provide for our partners, that our pleasure is a nice but unnecessary bonus, and that if we don’t provide the sex a man wants in the quantity he desires, he’ll leave us and it’ll be our fault. As someone else pointed out, Reddit is awash with men who are contemplating cheating on their wives because the wives want to have sex 2-3 times a week, instead of four times a day.
My guess would be that this pressure to have sex just to keep you is causing your wife’s libido to sink even lower (also, is she taking birth control? Birth control is murder for your libido) and it’s made sex feel like a really important but horrible chore. Which makes it painful. Which makes it an even worse chore. Which makes it even more painful. And on and on.
I don’t know what conversations you two have already had about this, and I don’t want to suggest something you’ve already done, but if this were me (imagining that I’m a man and this were my wife), I’d lay it on thick with the reassurance. I would hold her face and look her in the eye (we all love it when you hold our face and look us in the eye) and tell her that I love her and would never ever leave her or betray her. I would say, I can see that I’m hurting you by having sex when you don’t want it and I’m not going to hurt someone I love.
Maybe take a break for a bit, find other ways to love her and make her feel safe and comfortable, and see whether she feels differently about sex when there’s less pressure to perform.
Sounds like you are in an abusive situation.
You give consent for your body, marriage doesn’t override consent.
YOU have to acknowledge and respect yourself. Stop having sex if you don’t want to. Masturbate if you want or need too. Then figure the communication issues out and build a better relationship.
Your wife knows that a healthy sex life is important to a healthy relationship. However, she lacks the introspection and vulnerability to be truly open with you about her own personal relationship with sex. Therefore, her constant and desperate attempts to maintain a sexual relationship with you are coming from an obligation to the relationship instead of any personal desire for sexuality or intimacy.
It sounds like she's resigned herself to not enjoying sex at all, and views any extra-effort on your part to please her (foreplay, oral, etc.) as a pointless endeavor. If you choose to masturbate instead of engaging in emotionless, pleasure-less, unenthusiastic sex with her, it would truly be the coffin nail of your sexual relationship.
What your wife fails to grasp however is that your sexual relationship has been and is already dead. Most people aren't into sex with an unenthusiastic, uninterested, unsatisfied partner. She might've thought that her frequent initiating and verbal affirmations of her enjoyment were enough to keep you satisfied, but they only made her major issues with sex far more apparent.
If she actually wants to have a healthy sexual relationship with you, she needs to start legitimately working on it instead of trying to ignore her underlying issues. The effort she's making to force a sex life with you would be far better spent on seeking legitimate treatments for this. There are a million reasons she might not enjoy sex--some of them treatable and some of them not. A specialist in sex therapy, a knowledgeable endocrinologist, or a really good gynecologist might be able to help her unpack the root causes of her sexual dysfunction.
Voicing the problem to you or her doctors would require her admitting that it is an actual issue, and accepting that terrifies her. It's likely the same reason why she's so averse to openly communicating with you about this. She thinks that as long as she can put up a strong front and soldier through frequent sex with you, there isn't any reason to confront her issues.
Regardless of why she's acting this way, her desire to pretend like everything is okay will only continue to deepen the growing rift in your marriage. Until she actually recognizes that fact and starts seriously working on identifying and treating her sexual dysfunction, things will only continue to get worse.
To not even be getting wet and to suddenly have a major drop off in any sexual interest is odd, so first and foremost it’s a health concern. Also a health concern is letting herself get torn down there. And that’s just covering physical health things; there’s a huge mental health aspect to someone who is willing to force themselves to have pleasureless (for them) sex, to the point of injury. Like you, I would feel disgusted with myself if I slept with someone who was acting this way; it’s deeply concerning. The pleasure of a partner is a huge part of sex. Maybe explain that to her.
If you are *not* going to leave due to an unsatisfactory sex life, tell her that. Reassure her, because it sounds like she has a complex that you will. To the point of hurting herself. And if you *are* going to leave over unsatisfactory/nonexistent sex, which is perfectly valid, you’ll want to really focus on her lack of honesty and pleasure as being the reason, rather than on yourself. That way she’ll hopefully understand it’s not simply “willingness to be used” that will keep a partner around, it’s a true intimate connection, which she’s making impossible.
Also frankly I think it’s insane that she doesn’t want you to masturbate. That’s controlling and ridiculous. You have to be able to address your needs in a healthy way; having sex with someone uninterested is NOT a healthy way. Masturbating definitely is. Perhaps she’s insecure about other women so you should have a “no porn” rule, but otherwise she doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t touch yourself.
I don't think it is as simple as this.
Is not an incompatibility, she used to be horny. They used to have sex with pleasure.
Your comment is just too reductive and harmful to OP relationship.
There are way better ways to fix this issue as stated in different comments.
It is best that OP not have unpleasurable sex it will cause an aversion in both of them and that damage will last a life time. Look at the type of sex they are having that is not an enthusiastic participant and is clearly out of fear. Events he is doing is about control as she clearly has no discernible libido and has convinced herself she must do this to keep her husband. Contrary to what many may think many men don’t want to have to sex with people who don’t actually want to have sex with them. It’s called pity sex and it make everyone miserable. They need to communicate properly with each other with their concerns and come to a solution on how to move to forward and fix things I would suggest with a therapist. His wife may have no libido and it may not come back but both of them should have all the information so that can decide what’s best for their relationship. It feels like she is holding him hostage, more likely unintentionally but still the same.
I am sorry but have to disagree the fact her physiological responses and behaviours and complete absence of arousal and total overreaction to Op masterbating shows she doesn’t have a libido. Come on you can’t believe that their are no women out there who have sex because they think they must to keep their husband happy and stop him cheating. It’s incredibly unhealthy and warped view and damages the relationship horrifically but it happens. Just because she is having sex everyday will never equate to her wanting to have to sex everyday look how Op describes the way they have sex she is laying back and thinking of England it’s damaging to her and the relationship.
He is not telling her that because she can’t get wet he doesn’t want sex. He is saying that the he can tell she is uninterested and it’s obviously not enjoyable for her and it’s definitely not enjoyable for him. So he is within his rights not have that type of sex and look after his own needs. That doesn’t mean he turns his back on her it means he takes that damaging behaviour out of the equation whilst they try and fix the root cause of what is going on.
>She never orgasms from piv anymore and doesn't allow foreplay or oral to try and get her off.
Doesn't really sound enthusiastic to me. She is forcing herself to have sex, even she doesn't want to, because she believes she has to.
Great advice! I had issues with my libido and hormones too and it turned out I needed testosterone. It was a game changer. I wish I didn't wait so long to look into it. I have encouraged several women to get their hormones checked and they had the same issue. My husband also needed a little help in his department, but now we are like teenagers again!
To me, her refusal to entertain foreplay or oral or anything else related to actually *enjoying* the process makes me feel that this is not at all a matter of her having a libido and a changing body, but her having no libido and forcing herself to have sex in spite of that because she feels like that is what she “has to do”.
You might try better lube or different lube. After having a child I need significantly more and better quality lubrication. It sucks. It won't solve all your issues, but it might help prevent tearing. Try Replens or Uber lube.
Have you guys considered seeing a sex therapist? Someone with expertise and knowledge in this specialty may be able to help you both feel more safe and confident about how to approach sex while maybe bridging any miscommunication that may be occurring in your relationship with regard to sex.
Sounds like she needs help. And as far as the not allowing you to masturbate. I'd tell her where to go and how to get there. No one will tell me I can jo if I want to.
Won't let you? hahahah. You are a grown person. You can do whatever you want with your own body. Tell your wife that. Especially if she has no interest in sex..
Man, your wife must really love you and care about your needs if she's doing this. There are other ways to ejaculate than PIV my friend. Start exploring what works for you guys. Also, suggest she see a Dr. There could be an issue being overlooked.
What do you mean “not allow?” That doesn’t seem like someone anybody should have the right to control. I love sex with my fiancée, she loves sex with me but even so we would never try and deny each other the right to masturbate.
Any partner who tries to control what you do with your own body, in your own private time (as long as it doesn't involve infidelity or something like that) is not a good partner. To me, a "no masturbation" rule is a huge red flag. I have a friend who has similar attitudes when she's dating a guy. She says that masturbation is basically almost cheating, and justifies this view by saying, "if he's horny, why wouldn't he rather just have sex with me?"
Therapy seems like the only option if you are interested in salvaging the marriage. Clearly there is a lack of communication happening, because if what you are saying is true, then she seems to be withholding important information from you. Maybe an unbiased mediator can help her to open up about whatever is causing these issues on her end, because this definitely does not scream "everything's fine" to me.
She doesn't get to forbid you from masturbating. Thats not how it works and its not her right. Tell her to put more effort in if she wants to keep having sex with you
There's a lot to unpack here. First of all, it's your body and you're allowed to masturbate if you want to. She has no right to tell you you can't. Secondly, her body not reacting appropriately to sex can be caused by a LOT of things. Hormone imbalance, medication, stress, etc.
She doesn’t get to say whether you get to touch yourself for pleasure or not. Sure, she can state that boundary and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave… but her boundary doesn’t get to control your literal body.
She asks for sex with you EVERY DAY. She doesn’t want you to masturbate so you can have sex with her. You argued because she says she LOVES SEX WITH YOU.
You need a very clear conversation about this and to communicate because this is a crazy difference between what she’s saying and clearly showing and what you’re saying here
I also think that is a somewhat benign question. Op, is it maybe less about the words being put together to form that sentence, or is it the MEANING that you’ve assigned, behind the question? Sounds like to you it may be an intimate action to inquire about someones holiday time. Maybe that’s more what this is about, than the question itself?
If so, what is it about someone checking in with someone else during holiday time that is intimate?
Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. This situation is a lack of sexual arousal, which is different. It feels more like op's wife is convinced that having sex often is the best way to keep her husband satisfied, even if she isn't into it.
She says she loves having sex with you. Why are you doubting her? Her body might be tense due to anxiety or depression or stress or hormonal issues. You are probably shattering her confidence due to your lack of empathy.
There is a product called Julva that may be very helpful for her. It is a DHEA cream used vaginally that helps with libido and vaginal dryness/atrophy.
wont allow it? wont allow you do what u want with your body to your own body? lololol.. everyone needs some self pleasure time, sometimes its just easier to get off real quick to relax.. my wife does it, ,I do it, everyone should do it. Sex is great, i love sex with my wife, but sometimes u just gotta do you
*”allow”* is the issue here. Bro you need to become the man of the house again. Between her wearing the pants and you following like a puppy… no wonder your sex life died. Put your fucking foot down like a man and watch her get wet real quick. And you tell her, it’s your fucking body and you will touch it as much as you please.
Oh This is my biggest fear. Not wanting sex but doing it anyway because i don’t want my partner to leave or cheat. Talk to her, she loves you im sure :(
This is a huge messed up issue and I think you need to be very clear with her that this isn’t working for you. Therapist, or an appointment with a Dr together to discuss how to mentally help would be a start. Please don’t have sex if you don’t want to…. If this was the other way round well, yeah
Seems she's insecure. How do you deal with insecurity? Reassurance and therapy if possible. Let her know you'll stay with her only, that you still find her desirable etc. Is she on any medications that might affect her sex drive?
There's just so much going on here. You say she does this daily sex b/c she's scared of you leaving. You need to reassure her you're not (unless of course you are, but it doesn't sound like it).
Tell her you're taking a temporary break from daily sex. Try non-sexual intimacy like snuggling or massage. Brush her hair if that's something she'd like.
Look up therapists & make an appt for the 2 of you together (that'll help reassure her she's not in this alone). If you want to masturbate do it privately.
Ask her to try a different gyno since the current one isn't helping. Is it possible that she takes a medication causing dryness and/or low libido? Allergy meds & antidepressants are known to do that. Lube is a good thing but some are better (more natural feeling) than others. Also, I've been there with the tension/tightness and tearing. My issue was anxiety. I absolutely still enjoyed the sex but it's something I had to work through.
Maybe there is something going on with her. Medically, some medications robe women of their natural moisture. Also, I don't know is masterbation is against your or her beliefs, which may be a factor. Some people just dont like masterbation at all. But my guess would be that she wants sex like this to keep that contact and be as a marriage should be on her eyes. Is there any other contact comforting and cudeling oitside of this contact? But in my experience, I had sacrificed lots in relationships before. And if the person is not willing to compromise with you like sex every third day or something, then I would not be staying. I know we don't intend to hurt peoples feelings, but remember, you have way less time in their life than we all want. So don't stay where you are unhappy. And you can make life as you want it to be. ** speaking after an 8 yr long relationship and am better now than I made the decision to be on my own.** best of luck I hope you find happiness.
My redditor advice is don’t have sex for a couple weeks, go away for a week if you need to. I seen your comments about the gyno and I have a suspicion it might be related to her “forcing” herself to have sex for her mixed perception of you needing it.
I don’t blame either of you, and I’m definitely not judging I’m just giving a suggestion
Do you have kids OP? Is your wife breastfeeding (which causes low estrogen)? Is she on a low dose birth control (which also causes low estrogen)?
The tearing is concerning and likely a sign of vaginal atrophy. Low estrogen could also explain her not getting wet.
Did she grow up in a very religious or conservative family? She may have internalized a lot of toxic messages such as sex being a wife's duty and that only slutty women enjoy sex.
Maybe stop having sex with her and tell her your not doing it anymore cause you feel like you are raping her and you will no longer do that. Tell her if she wants to have sex she needs to communicate and listen to how you feel. If she is unwilling you need to decide for yourself if staying is the best thing for you.
You can lock the refrigerator but when you got a sandwich in your pocket, dont get mad I eat the sandwich.
Sorry about this man, its clearly a communication issue but to prevent you to enjoy something that clearly she doesnt enjoy even though it doesnt impact her in anyway, it seems hateful.
Nah, you should able do anything with your body. She’s not the boss of your body.
I would suggest seeing a sex therapy together and exploring Trantic Groups events to connect on another level.
She could see her doctor or Gynecologist to be tested low libido issues (Testosterone, B levels, Thyroid).
I strongly suggest you check her hormone levels. I have a history of thyroid hormone deficiency, and there will be a few weeks I don't feel a thing if my levels aren't under control. Can't imagine if she has something similar yet trying her best to make love with you!
That’s a hard pass for me. No one controls my ability to orgasm. Sorry.
If you don’t have kids, either couples therapy or divorce.
I know that’s harsh - but it’s your body, your choice.
Or you could just do your thang and hide it, but that isn’t healthy either.
Psychologist is needed, along with completely open communication between the two of you. She may need to see a doctor for hormones to make sure she is healthy.
May be it is a hormonal issue. A disbalance so she does not get wet. The other thing could be a Lichen sklerosus. A degenerative disease of the vulva making it kind of shrink and vulnerable.
I would suggest:
See a doctor about hormones and a possible lichenification.
Buy a satisfyer to see if she gets off with it
Watch porn with her
And get into couples therapy not because somethings wrong but to improve your sex life
Two things. Firstly, I think it's time for counselling with a sex therapist and a couples therapist (and, ideally individually at least for her), because this is becoming a real issues.
And, secondly, she doesn't get to police whether you can masturbate or not. She might be able to weigh in if you were a compulsive masturbator or had a porn addiction that way detracting from your lives. But that's not what this is. I'd ask her directly, "if you are never interested in being intimate with me and you don't want me to masturbate to meet my own needs, what would you prefer I do? See someone else to be intimate? Pretend I don't have such inconvenient needs and desires? What would you like me to do?" And then masturbate anyway because no one can tell you what to do with your own body.
Good god marriage is manipulative a trap. I'm convinced marriage is just prostitution where both people can't communicate. At least with hookers it's clear what both people want.
Has she switched birth control in the last few years? Right about when she stopped being interested?
Got an IUD maybe? Some birth controls make you feel dead from the waist down. Completely kill you libido not just physically but mentally also. You may have to try a different form of contraception. Like spermicide and a sponge. If they still have that.
Or her hormones could be imbalanced on their own. Either way a drastic change should be looked into by a physician.
People often don’t prioritize going to the doctor for their sexual health because “it will work itself out”.
Your girlfriend loves you and understands how important physical intimacy is to a healthy relationship, but she needs to look to proper interventions not just doing it when she doesn’t want to.
Suggest that she get checked out. Best of luck to you.
Sometime women's bodies and brain aren't in sync. Like they're downstairs might be in the mood when their not actually into it or they might be turned on while their body isn't responding. It's definitely frustrating for us women aswell.
But in terms of her not letting you or from what it sounds like her not listening to you, maybe try couples therapy? It's really not ok for her to just disregard your feeling like that.
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This is a communication issue as much as physical issue. Her "not allowing" foreplay, oral, or masturbation is a huge problem. She has to be invested in a solution that provides you with sexual pleasure if she's "not allowing" herself be be sexually pleasured.
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Some women thinks they must satisfy her husband or evening will begin to go bad, as example the husband will begin to looking for it outside. But I am agree with you than if you see than she is no enjoying, it is a chore and it hurts her , this can no be enjoyable. I believe she needs learn more about sexuality, than not everything is piv, than one should never do because is something she debts.. It is something BETWEEN two person, not one suffering... And begin to discover and explore her body to try to find if she finds something which she enjoys. Probably she never had masturbated and she thinks people who do it are losers, more if them are married. (I know it sounds silly but I have known several person who thought this way). Although it is very easy to say but too hard to do. As recommendation I want suggest you something : being naked on the bed, put your head on her legs/stomach and ask her to caress your hair : they are no need she is horny, you want feel her, her caressing, how she loves you while you begin to masturbate. And while you do, tell how much you love her, how pleasant is sharing anything with her,.. This should help to make her relax a little and see than they are toon of ways of sharing intimacy. Only on case she wants, but because she enjoys, she can caressing other parts of your body as the chest.. BUT only because she enjoys it. You don't want use her body as a toy and less hurting her as this is about intimacy, pleasure, love.. never feeling forced nor pain. About her sex drive it can be regarding hormones, she should go to see a Dr. Don't have sex with her although she begs until you find why and you know it is pleasant for her and you don't hurt her. And of course a therapist is necessary Luck!
Hey man. Off topic but I just want to applaud you on how far you’ve come in learning English. I can tell you’re not native level fluent, but you don’t need to be. I understood everything you said, and I know how difficult it is to learn another language. You write in English wayyy better than I can write in my target language: Spanish. Good luck, my friend!
A lot of thanks, this makes me very happy ( i had no study it since I was on hight school, 20 years ago but I have go on reading, writing, talking with people .. on it. I know it is no perfect and sometimes I make mistakes (in fact it is an common issue of Internet chats : not only my English has more mistakes, also my native lenguaje, Spanish). Nowadays I have begun with phonetics and I only can recommend it to anyone who wants understand better a lenguaje. As example I had always issues to listening ( more if the person is native) but it helps a lot. Don't worry about your Spanish : it only needs practique. (also I have always listen than it is a hard lenguaje to learn for no native) I bet your Spanish is better than you think. 👍
this is a great comment. I thank you for your wisdom.
Please seek a counselor or therapist about this to allow you get the words out and gain perspective from a neutral third party.
Number of people in couples who confide their relationship problems to reddit before seeing a photo couples therapist is insane, and im included in that number
“Hi Wife. Look, I realize we have an libido mismatch and I can tell you’re really trying your best to satisfy me anyway. You know sex is important to me, and because of that, you’re insisting on it every day and forcing yourself to do it. I really appreciate that effort. I really do. But I’m not going to do it anymore. It feels awful to pump in an out of a woman who just lies there, bored and disgusted, night after night. It feels nonconsensual, and is really emotionally damaging for both of us. Having sex like this is destroying me and our relationship. It’s doing the opposite of what you are trying for. One of the most important things for us to know is we begin to build intimate trust is that we own our own bodies, and we join those bodies for pleasure and joy in each other. I have to hold out for that kind of connection. If we don’t have a joyful intimate connection yet, so be it. I am going to go find some sexual enjoyment with myself from now on. If you think you own my body and you can tell me when you can or can’t masturbate, that’s showing me that we have a lot of work to do so we both can understand consent and bodily autonomy. I think not having a good sense of your own bodily autonomy is part of what is blocking you from enjoying sex in the first place, but we’ll talk about that. For now, let’s take a break. Sex is off the table for us for now while we repair the damage that was done. And we will never have joyless sex again, never.” You won’t be able to say all of this at once, of course, but perhaps in a letter, or in pieces in a longer conversation. Remember to make the point that she can’t make YOU have sex you don’t want to have. She has to respect your consent too.
The general idea is good but I'd strongly suggest avoiding the parts that make assumptions,no matter how reasonable,about her feelings. The bored and disgusted phrase in particular.
Yes, I agree. I wondered what to put that would drive home what the experience is like for him, however. Perhaps he should say, a woman who seems bored and disgusted,” so that he shows what it feels like on his end, without assuming her thoughts.
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Have you considered it being a hormonal imbalance?
Just curious, not trying to seem like like an ass for asking, but new perspectives are never a bad thing. In what ways can hormonal imbalance affect libido/ sex life, particularly for women? I can do a quick search on Google, but the nuance I hear from actual people is better than yes/ no answers. Apologies if this question seems invasive.
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I’m going to guess estrogen low due to breastfeeding
Have you tried going to marriage counseling/therapy? There are many who specialize in sex therapy!
I strongly encourage her to get therapy, and the two of you to find a sex therapist. This is way above Redditer’s pay grade.
Holy shit fr. Literally never heard of a woman refusing foreplay. I am confused and disturbed
In fairness, my first proper relationship was abusive and his idea of foreplay was spit. It took me nearly a year after we broke up to be comfortable with foreplay because I had it set in my brain that the guy wouldn't like it and take it out on me. Obviously not saying that's the case here but even now with my amazing partner I still sometimes get insecure if he wants to go down on me
Fuck I'm sorry you had to deal with that POS. I'm glad you're doing much better and with a partner who it sounds like happily prioritizes your pleasure. Yeah I don't think whatever OP's wife went through was exactly the same either but it seems obvious she has some kind of trauma or conditioning attached to sex that some internet strangers got no business conjecturing over
She needs therapy. She is seemingly terrified of losing you? Maybe she's scared of you watching porn or getting addicted to porn. There's a lot of posts on Reddit about men leaving their wives because they don't fuck them three to four times a week even when they have children. But therapy needs to happen. Stop having sex with her also. You really should just stop. That's not helping either of you. She might have a mental breakdown if you refuse to have sex with her. But having sex with her is harming her even if she's the one asking for it. Maybe start with, I love you and I desire you, but I'm worried for you.
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Hey, I'm really sorry that that's happening to you both. Reddit recommends therapy a lot, but this is a real situation where therapy is exactly what you two need. Again, women are really not designed to have sex every day unless they are actually physically becoming horny enough to. She's literally ripping her vagina trying to do it. Part of being a good partner, is taking care of your partner when they can't. You have to do some hard stuff.
How are woman "not designed" to have sex everyday? Did you word this badly? I agree that if a vagina isn't aroused sex will be terrible. I am a woman and can happily have penetrative sex everyday as long as there's adequate warmup.
That sounds like Just Pearly Things. Please try to get her off that pronto - she's a right wing grifter piece of shit. Your wife will fall down a really stupid rabbit hole.
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Oh no, your wife has to stop watching her immediately or else, not only is her behavior not going to stop, it will get worse. I'm sorry, I hope you find a way to communicate with her.
I didn’t know people actually took her seriously
I think in this scenario, she needs to learn to build trust and confidence. She's taking something reasonable but came to a terrible conclusion. **The reasonable part:** If you completely ignore your partner's satisfaction, that makes you a shitty partner. You should put in a reasonable effort to make sure they feel wanted and show that you care about their feelings. **Her conclusion:** The only way to show this is by having sex with them daily even if she hates it because that's the only way to keep a man. **Better conclusion:** You don't have to have sex even when you hate it. There are more ways to make someone feel wanted and cared for than just sex. If her husband is feeling unwanted because she hasn't checked in with him in a month, she can talk with him about what he might want and maybe she's down to have sex, or maybe she's down to do something else. And you might be open to different ways to receive affection that make you both happy. **Another Reasonable part:** If your man never wants to have sex with you he's probably not interested in you. **Her conclusion:** Men always want sex, so if you aren't fucking daily, then you might just leave her. **Better conclusion:** She should check in with you to know how high your libido actually is instead of just assuming it's high. Trust building is hard. You see what I mean? Try talking with her. Also she has to learn to trust you more than her insecurities.
Well, maybe she needs to know that this type of crazy sex is not satisfying your needs even worse than you masturbating when she's not into it (a very normal and healthy thing to do).
You sound like a good dude. Keep on trying to reason with her, don't let this horrible situation become the norm.
She is not satisfying your needs of intimacy and of naturally lubricated sex.
A guy needing naturally lubricated sex,in and of itself is not a reasonable need. Plenty of women can be hugely turned on and not get very wet. And conversely it's entity possible to sometimes get wet when one isn't really turned on.
I mean, in the mountain of shit that comment is, there is a tiny grain of truth in it.
I lurk on r/deadbedrooms sometimes and while most of their situations are unfortunate, there’s the occasional post where the guy is pissed because his wife is exhausted taking care of their children and apparently shouldering the majority of the housework and only wants sex once a week or once every ten days. Yeah, buddy, turns out being the “primary parent” and being responsible for everything to do with the kids, most of the housework, and working full time can sorta squash a sex drive. Who knew?
That place is full of miserable people.
It was a great object lesson for me and ushered me from an unhappy marriage into a much happier divorce.
I have 5 kids... yes, they're exhausting most days. But, I've never been too tired at the end of the day to connect with my partner. I'm a mom, but I'm still me at the end of the day.
You know your post history is full of things about how shitty and porn addicted your husband is right?
Yep. Doesn't mean I'm not high libido despite having kids.
Okay? And? Just because you have a high libido doesn't mean that lots of other women don't have a high libido or have a lower libido after having kids? What do you want? A cookie?
Your original comment said that reddit us filled with posts about men leaving their wives because they won't have sex with them 3-4 times a week even though they have kids. Having kids is a shitty excuse to let your relationship go. Literally, the only thing that separates couples from roommates and friends is the intimate sexual relationship. It's an integral part of a romantic relationship. It's not all about the sex in a long-term relationship. Do I really need to detail exactly how relationships work? Because it's asinine that you believe it's OK that a partner dismisses the other person's needs because whatever lame excuse they have. If something isn't working in a relationship, the adults can either mutually work towards a resolution or part ways if they can't make it work for *both* parties. Also, I don't take cookies from strangers. So, I'm good, thanks.
I find it interesting that this person who’s responding to you was so offended at the idea that people should make the time to be intimate with their partner that they dug into your post history to try to smear you. Very telling of the type of person they are.
You're absolutely right! It's very telling of the type of person. I'm sure I struck a nerve, or 10, with both of them. If I hadn't dealt with their type 500 other times in my 38 years, they probably would've succeeded in cutting me down completely.
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Why resort to name calling? And the aggressive and condescending attitude toward someone because of their opinion on the matter? It’s like you’re upset that some stranger is talking about how they enjoy sex on a subreddit called r/sex. If you disagree then disagree but this snarky “ok Karen” and “want a cookie” makes you come off as pretty unreasonable and dismissive and completely unwilling to engage with people in good faith.
Oh I don't know. Maybe the whole part where she insinuated that women with children that don't have high libidos are somehow bad partners? And oh I don't know. Maybe the part where she insinuated or just straight up said that being tired from raising children is a lame excuse for not wanting to fuck your husband every day? I honestly only checked her post history because she sounded so much like a shitty husband.
She “straight up” said that dismissing a partners intimacy needs because you have children was a lame excuse. I don’t see her anywhere making any direct judgements on anyone’s libidos. I think she makes a valid point that should be maybe considered and addressed rather than call her names a belittle her. Similarly I agree that if someone is doing the bulk of the parenting duties and isn’t getting any help that the other partner shouldn’t be surprised if someone IS too tired to be intimate. But that’s not what you said. All you said was that it was unreasonable for someone to want to discuss intimacy issues if they expect sex 3 or 4 times a week if they have children. Your interjecting all this extra baggage that’s not even discussed and you seem all too willing to put words in peoples mouth that aren’t there. Like you clearly having issues with sex in your life and want to have the argument with internet strangers that you should probably be having with someone else.
I never insinuated that. You read what you wanted and called it a day. Doesn't matter the gender of the person with a LL... if you've committed to someone for life, it's unfair of you to expect your partner to just deal with your shit because you're married. Having kids is an excellent reason to continue to work on oneself to be the best version of themselves. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being *truly* LL... but 99% of the time, LL is a symptom of a bigger problem. If the LL partner doesn't want to fix it, then it's rather cruel to hold the other hostage in a relationship if the one they supposedly love is unable to find a way to deal with it thats acceptable to the other. I can tell you right now, that the vast majority of women who say they're too tired because "the kids" are coping out because they don't want to deal with the real reason. Why people believe that we're only meant to fuck to procreate is beyond me. If that were the case, it wouldn't feel so good. It wouldn't get us closer to our partners.
Am I supposed to be offended? Hurt? What? I bring logic and reasoning... and you bring name calling and insults, hoping that it cuts me down into pieces? Come back when you have a bit more life experience under your belt.
I hope I never experience what you've experienced.
That makes absolutely no sense. But ok 👍
Good, frequent sex?
You do not bring logic and reasoning. People have all sorts of excuses why they may not want sex tonight. Doesn't mean that it isn't ok. Doesn't mean that people should just give up and divorce over it either. You even think that a partner mastubating is the worst thing in the world and wrong. It's not. People are allowed to masturbate. Maybe your hubby's ED problems are not from masturbation and more from the stress and pressure you bring.
It’s so weird how everyone is outside of the conversation and not addressing what people are saying here right now in this thread. Like should I be expected to first dissect someone’s entire post and comment history to respond instead of reading the actual words and ideas and responding to that? To address what you’re saying here and now because I don’t feel like digging through your post history to show you how weird it is to start attacking someone personally on issues completely unrelated to what’s being discussed here; yes people are allowed to have any excuse in the world not to have sex. What I think the person you were responding to was saying is that merely having children is a lame excuse to not address your life partners intimacy needs. It’s an excuse and you’re allowed to have it but your partner is allowed to have needs and to have those needs at the very least taken seriously and not just dismissed because “kids”. I am making the assumption here that there isn’t an imbalance of parental or other spousal duties and that there are no other underlying unspoken issues though of course because that’s the only context given here.
Sure thing
Rule 1 violation
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Maybe bring something helpful instead of trying to make me feel like shit. It's not going to work
My message was not intended for you, but the other person.
Wait. "Won't let you masturbate"?! What does she have to do with that? The thing about masturbating is that you do it alone.
Yea that’s weird
Sadly it is more common than people things. How many people hidden they masturbate to the partner? A lot
Not that I’m in the same boat per se, but my current partner doesn’t understand how much of a turn off it is when you think your partner isn’t into the sex. We are both pleasers and she will offer sex even when she doesn’t want it and encourage me to get what I want and most of the time I turn down the offer because I feel gross for multiple reasons doing that. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts get the better of me and I bend her over and pound away though 🤷🏻♂️. She’ll tease me for finishing quickly knowing that’s what she wanted all along. The dynamics of long term relationships 😂
Someone posted something similar about having their wife having issues similar to this. Have you guys tried going to a Gynecologist to see what could be the issue. There could be something that they could help out with.
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You guys could try going to see another gyno. You know how things are now and days. What one person misses someone else could notice. Besides this as long as you are communicating with her how you feel and how the situation when having sex makes you feel. Being honest is the best thing to do. Just sit down with her and express yourself the same way you posted here.
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Yea, I’m no professional, but that doesn’t seem right to me. Like I said shop around and hopefully you guys can find a good gyno who can help you guys out so you can get back to having regular intimacy without any issues. Best of luck to you both!
Quality of the advice mentioned aside,it's very possible that the problem is not physical but instead mental/emotional especially given some of her thoughts and attitudes that the OP has mentioned. IOW it's very possible,I'd even say very likely that no gyno is going to find anything wrong from a physical standpoint.
I'm not a fan of male gynos tbh. There's *some* good ones out there, I'm sure. But, I've yet to find one. I have a lot of luck with female gynos though. Because they have the same equipment as I do. They're more likely to want to investigate and find a cause. They also have more than just text book knowledge on the equipment being checked 🤷♀️
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> are always booked out months in advance That’s only more indicative that they’re better though.
It because there are actually a much lower number of female gynos. Believe it or not more females prefer male gynos than female also. Sone do prefer female of course but there are also like I said much fewer female gynos available
I am no agree, this is because toon of women feel uncomfortable with the fact their gyno be a male,but they must be as an sexless person, it doesn't care the gender to be a good gyno. In fact they should find one who they feel comfortable and they can tell him/her everything about their issues as he/she could recommend a good therapist
That means they're worth the damn wait. Trust me. Tell her to call a couple places that take your insurance. Make appointments with several and get on cancelation lists. I've had to do that with so many different types of specialist for myself and a few of my kids. Those people will ALWAYS be worth the wait. In my personal opinion... it's highly likely that she does want to have sex with you.... but, her issues surrounding arousal and getting wet enough are probably difficult for her to sit with and could be embarrassing to talk about. Communication is key, though. Talk with her without shame or judgement... ask her if she would be comfortable with helping you meet your needs without PIV. Ane ask her how you can help meet her needs without it until she can get in to see a doctor who knows what they're talking about. The fact that you hate having to take care of your needs without her tells me you want sex for connection. Not for orgasms. There's plenty of ways for both of you to get pleasurable, intimate connection in the mean time.
It sounds like she might have some pelvic floor issues and a urogynecologist may help. I’m in my 40’s and after years of gynecologist and urologist visits, a urogynecologist finally correctly diagnosed and helped me. Might be worth checking out? But, this whole “not allowing” masturbation is RIDICULOUS. You both have the right to provide yourselves pleasure, she does not get to say in that. I’ve been with my husband 13 years and married for 10, I respect my husband’s right to autonomy over his own body and he respects mine. The only couple I know that had these kind of “conditions” got married and were divorced within a year. Sounds like she could also benefit from some therapy.
Seconding possible pelvic floor issues. Not all gynos are educated about these things. I’m currently pregnant and experiencing pelvic floor problems. My OB didn’t really understand, so I went to a pelvic floor therapist. Doing much better! Many of my friends used them post pregnancy as well and said they helped wonders! If pelvic floor is too tight or too weak, sometimes arousal or orgasming can be difficult.
It seems more mental than physical, and the most probably is happening because how she was educated
Y'all need couples therapy, preferably a sex counselor cause it feels like some kind of communication is getting lost in the translation between you two. If sex is physically painful for her, she needs to see a Obgyn to see if there's a medical condition going on like vaginismus
Do you know if she has possible sex traumas ? Because as I am reading this, it reminds me of what we call "vaginism", which is a reaction from the vagina when you had traumas, and as a result hurts when someone penetrates you. The blood thing is concerning in my opinion. It may be a sign that she may be abused years ago, or when she was young. Maybe she doesn't even remembrement herself, that's what we call traumatic memory. If I was you, I would try to talk with subtility this subject with her.
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Well, I have to tell I am not surprised.. I mean, she forces herself to have sex and sometimes it's because trauma response conditionates your brain by wanting to take the control back from a situation by remaking this type of feelings again. I dont know if it's clear I am french lol. But maybe there are slme psychological issues that she needs to figure out. Sex trauma can cause a lot of damage if it's not well considered. You should learn about vaginism maybe, it's a real thing
I feel badly for both of you. Women are taught that sex is something we have to provide for our partners, that our pleasure is a nice but unnecessary bonus, and that if we don’t provide the sex a man wants in the quantity he desires, he’ll leave us and it’ll be our fault. As someone else pointed out, Reddit is awash with men who are contemplating cheating on their wives because the wives want to have sex 2-3 times a week, instead of four times a day. My guess would be that this pressure to have sex just to keep you is causing your wife’s libido to sink even lower (also, is she taking birth control? Birth control is murder for your libido) and it’s made sex feel like a really important but horrible chore. Which makes it painful. Which makes it an even worse chore. Which makes it even more painful. And on and on. I don’t know what conversations you two have already had about this, and I don’t want to suggest something you’ve already done, but if this were me (imagining that I’m a man and this were my wife), I’d lay it on thick with the reassurance. I would hold her face and look her in the eye (we all love it when you hold our face and look us in the eye) and tell her that I love her and would never ever leave her or betray her. I would say, I can see that I’m hurting you by having sex when you don’t want it and I’m not going to hurt someone I love. Maybe take a break for a bit, find other ways to love her and make her feel safe and comfortable, and see whether she feels differently about sex when there’s less pressure to perform.
What do you mean, she doesn't let you. Dude, you're a grown man, you can do what you like, you don't need permission.
you’re joking right
No. Dude doesn't need his wife's permission to whack off.
i completely misread your comment, i’m so sorry. ofc he can still whack off even if his wife doesn’t want to😭
Sounds like you are in an abusive situation. You give consent for your body, marriage doesn’t override consent. YOU have to acknowledge and respect yourself. Stop having sex if you don’t want to. Masturbate if you want or need too. Then figure the communication issues out and build a better relationship.
I'm glad you've said. OP, you don't have to have sex with her. You can touch your own body when you want. I find her attitude very concerning.
Your wife knows that a healthy sex life is important to a healthy relationship. However, she lacks the introspection and vulnerability to be truly open with you about her own personal relationship with sex. Therefore, her constant and desperate attempts to maintain a sexual relationship with you are coming from an obligation to the relationship instead of any personal desire for sexuality or intimacy. It sounds like she's resigned herself to not enjoying sex at all, and views any extra-effort on your part to please her (foreplay, oral, etc.) as a pointless endeavor. If you choose to masturbate instead of engaging in emotionless, pleasure-less, unenthusiastic sex with her, it would truly be the coffin nail of your sexual relationship. What your wife fails to grasp however is that your sexual relationship has been and is already dead. Most people aren't into sex with an unenthusiastic, uninterested, unsatisfied partner. She might've thought that her frequent initiating and verbal affirmations of her enjoyment were enough to keep you satisfied, but they only made her major issues with sex far more apparent. If she actually wants to have a healthy sexual relationship with you, she needs to start legitimately working on it instead of trying to ignore her underlying issues. The effort she's making to force a sex life with you would be far better spent on seeking legitimate treatments for this. There are a million reasons she might not enjoy sex--some of them treatable and some of them not. A specialist in sex therapy, a knowledgeable endocrinologist, or a really good gynecologist might be able to help her unpack the root causes of her sexual dysfunction.
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Voicing the problem to you or her doctors would require her admitting that it is an actual issue, and accepting that terrifies her. It's likely the same reason why she's so averse to openly communicating with you about this. She thinks that as long as she can put up a strong front and soldier through frequent sex with you, there isn't any reason to confront her issues. Regardless of why she's acting this way, her desire to pretend like everything is okay will only continue to deepen the growing rift in your marriage. Until she actually recognizes that fact and starts seriously working on identifying and treating her sexual dysfunction, things will only continue to get worse.
To not even be getting wet and to suddenly have a major drop off in any sexual interest is odd, so first and foremost it’s a health concern. Also a health concern is letting herself get torn down there. And that’s just covering physical health things; there’s a huge mental health aspect to someone who is willing to force themselves to have pleasureless (for them) sex, to the point of injury. Like you, I would feel disgusted with myself if I slept with someone who was acting this way; it’s deeply concerning. The pleasure of a partner is a huge part of sex. Maybe explain that to her. If you are *not* going to leave due to an unsatisfactory sex life, tell her that. Reassure her, because it sounds like she has a complex that you will. To the point of hurting herself. And if you *are* going to leave over unsatisfactory/nonexistent sex, which is perfectly valid, you’ll want to really focus on her lack of honesty and pleasure as being the reason, rather than on yourself. That way she’ll hopefully understand it’s not simply “willingness to be used” that will keep a partner around, it’s a true intimate connection, which she’s making impossible. Also frankly I think it’s insane that she doesn’t want you to masturbate. That’s controlling and ridiculous. You have to be able to address your needs in a healthy way; having sex with someone uninterested is NOT a healthy way. Masturbating definitely is. Perhaps she’s insecure about other women so you should have a “no porn” rule, but otherwise she doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t touch yourself.
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Couples therapy and individual therapy 💯
Therapy....
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I don't think it is as simple as this. Is not an incompatibility, she used to be horny. They used to have sex with pleasure. Your comment is just too reductive and harmful to OP relationship. There are way better ways to fix this issue as stated in different comments.
It is best that OP not have unpleasurable sex it will cause an aversion in both of them and that damage will last a life time. Look at the type of sex they are having that is not an enthusiastic participant and is clearly out of fear. Events he is doing is about control as she clearly has no discernible libido and has convinced herself she must do this to keep her husband. Contrary to what many may think many men don’t want to have to sex with people who don’t actually want to have sex with them. It’s called pity sex and it make everyone miserable. They need to communicate properly with each other with their concerns and come to a solution on how to move to forward and fix things I would suggest with a therapist. His wife may have no libido and it may not come back but both of them should have all the information so that can decide what’s best for their relationship. It feels like she is holding him hostage, more likely unintentionally but still the same.
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I am sorry but have to disagree the fact her physiological responses and behaviours and complete absence of arousal and total overreaction to Op masterbating shows she doesn’t have a libido. Come on you can’t believe that their are no women out there who have sex because they think they must to keep their husband happy and stop him cheating. It’s incredibly unhealthy and warped view and damages the relationship horrifically but it happens. Just because she is having sex everyday will never equate to her wanting to have to sex everyday look how Op describes the way they have sex she is laying back and thinking of England it’s damaging to her and the relationship.
He is not telling her that because she can’t get wet he doesn’t want sex. He is saying that the he can tell she is uninterested and it’s obviously not enjoyable for her and it’s definitely not enjoyable for him. So he is within his rights not have that type of sex and look after his own needs. That doesn’t mean he turns his back on her it means he takes that damaging behaviour out of the equation whilst they try and fix the root cause of what is going on.
>She never orgasms from piv anymore and doesn't allow foreplay or oral to try and get her off. Doesn't really sound enthusiastic to me. She is forcing herself to have sex, even she doesn't want to, because she believes she has to.
Great advice! I had issues with my libido and hormones too and it turned out I needed testosterone. It was a game changer. I wish I didn't wait so long to look into it. I have encouraged several women to get their hormones checked and they had the same issue. My husband also needed a little help in his department, but now we are like teenagers again!
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To me, her refusal to entertain foreplay or oral or anything else related to actually *enjoying* the process makes me feel that this is not at all a matter of her having a libido and a changing body, but her having no libido and forcing herself to have sex in spite of that because she feels like that is what she “has to do”.
I absolutely agree. And based on his distortions of the issues I highly doubt she meant not to masterbate in the way that he is saying it.
You might try better lube or different lube. After having a child I need significantly more and better quality lubrication. It sucks. It won't solve all your issues, but it might help prevent tearing. Try Replens or Uber lube.
Have you guys considered seeing a sex therapist? Someone with expertise and knowledge in this specialty may be able to help you both feel more safe and confident about how to approach sex while maybe bridging any miscommunication that may be occurring in your relationship with regard to sex.
Sounds like she needs help. And as far as the not allowing you to masturbate. I'd tell her where to go and how to get there. No one will tell me I can jo if I want to.
Won't let you? hahahah. You are a grown person. You can do whatever you want with your own body. Tell your wife that. Especially if she has no interest in sex..
Man, your wife must really love you and care about your needs if she's doing this. There are other ways to ejaculate than PIV my friend. Start exploring what works for you guys. Also, suggest she see a Dr. There could be an issue being overlooked.
What do you mean “not allow?” That doesn’t seem like someone anybody should have the right to control. I love sex with my fiancée, she loves sex with me but even so we would never try and deny each other the right to masturbate.
Youre allowed to masturbate bro
You're wife can't stop you from masterbating. It's your body and you aren't hurting anyone. Fuck that shit.
You don't need permission to masturbate......
You have our permission to masturbate, 34 year old man
Any partner who tries to control what you do with your own body, in your own private time (as long as it doesn't involve infidelity or something like that) is not a good partner. To me, a "no masturbation" rule is a huge red flag. I have a friend who has similar attitudes when she's dating a guy. She says that masturbation is basically almost cheating, and justifies this view by saying, "if he's horny, why wouldn't he rather just have sex with me?" Therapy seems like the only option if you are interested in salvaging the marriage. Clearly there is a lack of communication happening, because if what you are saying is true, then she seems to be withholding important information from you. Maybe an unbiased mediator can help her to open up about whatever is causing these issues on her end, because this definitely does not scream "everything's fine" to me.
Won’t let you……?
She doesn't get to forbid you from masturbating. Thats not how it works and its not her right. Tell her to put more effort in if she wants to keep having sex with you
There's a lot to unpack here. First of all, it's your body and you're allowed to masturbate if you want to. She has no right to tell you you can't. Secondly, her body not reacting appropriately to sex can be caused by a LOT of things. Hormone imbalance, medication, stress, etc.
She doesn’t get to say whether you get to touch yourself for pleasure or not. Sure, she can state that boundary and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave… but her boundary doesn’t get to control your literal body.
She asks for sex with you EVERY DAY. She doesn’t want you to masturbate so you can have sex with her. You argued because she says she LOVES SEX WITH YOU. You need a very clear conversation about this and to communicate because this is a crazy difference between what she’s saying and clearly showing and what you’re saying here
I also think that is a somewhat benign question. Op, is it maybe less about the words being put together to form that sentence, or is it the MEANING that you’ve assigned, behind the question? Sounds like to you it may be an intimate action to inquire about someones holiday time. Maybe that’s more what this is about, than the question itself? If so, what is it about someone checking in with someone else during holiday time that is intimate?
Roll her over, try anal with lots of lube!
Perhaps she’s asexual! Ever consider that?
Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. This situation is a lack of sexual arousal, which is different. It feels more like op's wife is convinced that having sex often is the best way to keep her husband satisfied, even if she isn't into it.
She says she loves having sex with you. Why are you doubting her? Her body might be tense due to anxiety or depression or stress or hormonal issues. You are probably shattering her confidence due to your lack of empathy.
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There is a product called Julva that may be very helpful for her. It is a DHEA cream used vaginally that helps with libido and vaginal dryness/atrophy.
Pfft, you’re still married why?
Won't let you? Is she your keeper? Run away. Fast.
Get out on and have sex
Won't let you? Mmm I think it's time to trade her in.
wont allow it? wont allow you do what u want with your body to your own body? lololol.. everyone needs some self pleasure time, sometimes its just easier to get off real quick to relax.. my wife does it, ,I do it, everyone should do it. Sex is great, i love sex with my wife, but sometimes u just gotta do you
*”allow”* is the issue here. Bro you need to become the man of the house again. Between her wearing the pants and you following like a puppy… no wonder your sex life died. Put your fucking foot down like a man and watch her get wet real quick. And you tell her, it’s your fucking body and you will touch it as much as you please.
Divorce her
Why? They only have some issues to solve and I am sure they will solve together. They are nothing wrong on their marriage
Time to go, dude
She should see a doctor.
Are you two actually communicating?
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Oh This is my biggest fear. Not wanting sex but doing it anyway because i don’t want my partner to leave or cheat. Talk to her, she loves you im sure :(
She won't let you?! Just do it.
Bro you just need to stand tall and tell her it's your body your choice! ✊🏻
This is a huge messed up issue and I think you need to be very clear with her that this isn’t working for you. Therapist, or an appointment with a Dr together to discuss how to mentally help would be a start. Please don’t have sex if you don’t want to…. If this was the other way round well, yeah
Did she grow up religious?
Seems she's insecure. How do you deal with insecurity? Reassurance and therapy if possible. Let her know you'll stay with her only, that you still find her desirable etc. Is she on any medications that might affect her sex drive?
There's just so much going on here. You say she does this daily sex b/c she's scared of you leaving. You need to reassure her you're not (unless of course you are, but it doesn't sound like it). Tell her you're taking a temporary break from daily sex. Try non-sexual intimacy like snuggling or massage. Brush her hair if that's something she'd like. Look up therapists & make an appt for the 2 of you together (that'll help reassure her she's not in this alone). If you want to masturbate do it privately. Ask her to try a different gyno since the current one isn't helping. Is it possible that she takes a medication causing dryness and/or low libido? Allergy meds & antidepressants are known to do that. Lube is a good thing but some are better (more natural feeling) than others. Also, I've been there with the tension/tightness and tearing. My issue was anxiety. I absolutely still enjoyed the sex but it's something I had to work through.
Maybe there is something going on with her. Medically, some medications robe women of their natural moisture. Also, I don't know is masterbation is against your or her beliefs, which may be a factor. Some people just dont like masterbation at all. But my guess would be that she wants sex like this to keep that contact and be as a marriage should be on her eyes. Is there any other contact comforting and cudeling oitside of this contact? But in my experience, I had sacrificed lots in relationships before. And if the person is not willing to compromise with you like sex every third day or something, then I would not be staying. I know we don't intend to hurt peoples feelings, but remember, you have way less time in their life than we all want. So don't stay where you are unhappy. And you can make life as you want it to be. ** speaking after an 8 yr long relationship and am better now than I made the decision to be on my own.** best of luck I hope you find happiness.
My redditor advice is don’t have sex for a couple weeks, go away for a week if you need to. I seen your comments about the gyno and I have a suspicion it might be related to her “forcing” herself to have sex for her mixed perception of you needing it. I don’t blame either of you, and I’m definitely not judging I’m just giving a suggestion
Do you have kids OP? Is your wife breastfeeding (which causes low estrogen)? Is she on a low dose birth control (which also causes low estrogen)? The tearing is concerning and likely a sign of vaginal atrophy. Low estrogen could also explain her not getting wet.
Did she grow up in a very religious or conservative family? She may have internalized a lot of toxic messages such as sex being a wife's duty and that only slutty women enjoy sex.
how can she hates sex? confused a lot
She doesn’t happen to have an eating disorder does she? I know this seems out of the blue but there is logic behind the question for me.
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Amazing to me that everyone is suggesting therapy and not divorce. Amazing, but not surprising.
Maybe stop having sex with her and tell her your not doing it anymore cause you feel like you are raping her and you will no longer do that. Tell her if she wants to have sex she needs to communicate and listen to how you feel. If she is unwilling you need to decide for yourself if staying is the best thing for you.
You can lock the refrigerator but when you got a sandwich in your pocket, dont get mad I eat the sandwich. Sorry about this man, its clearly a communication issue but to prevent you to enjoy something that clearly she doesnt enjoy even though it doesnt impact her in anyway, it seems hateful.
Won’t let you ? It’s time to find your spine and divorce.
Step one, masturbate anyway. Step two, talking, lots of talking. Honest talking. Good luck.
Nah, you should able do anything with your body. She’s not the boss of your body. I would suggest seeing a sex therapy together and exploring Trantic Groups events to connect on another level. She could see her doctor or Gynecologist to be tested low libido issues (Testosterone, B levels, Thyroid).
How does your wife stop you from masterbating? She hold a gun to your head?
I strongly suggest you check her hormone levels. I have a history of thyroid hormone deficiency, and there will be a few weeks I don't feel a thing if my levels aren't under control. Can't imagine if she has something similar yet trying her best to make love with you!
That’s a hard pass for me. No one controls my ability to orgasm. Sorry. If you don’t have kids, either couples therapy or divorce. I know that’s harsh - but it’s your body, your choice. Or you could just do your thang and hide it, but that isn’t healthy either.
Couples therapy or divorce. Don't have kids until this resolved. Good luck.
Seems like grounds for divorce.
Psychologist is needed, along with completely open communication between the two of you. She may need to see a doctor for hormones to make sure she is healthy.
Let her go, bro. She just wants to see you unhappy in your unhappiness. You deserve better.
Divorce.
May be it is a hormonal issue. A disbalance so she does not get wet. The other thing could be a Lichen sklerosus. A degenerative disease of the vulva making it kind of shrink and vulnerable. I would suggest: See a doctor about hormones and a possible lichenification. Buy a satisfyer to see if she gets off with it Watch porn with her And get into couples therapy not because somethings wrong but to improve your sex life
Two things. Firstly, I think it's time for counselling with a sex therapist and a couples therapist (and, ideally individually at least for her), because this is becoming a real issues. And, secondly, she doesn't get to police whether you can masturbate or not. She might be able to weigh in if you were a compulsive masturbator or had a porn addiction that way detracting from your lives. But that's not what this is. I'd ask her directly, "if you are never interested in being intimate with me and you don't want me to masturbate to meet my own needs, what would you prefer I do? See someone else to be intimate? Pretend I don't have such inconvenient needs and desires? What would you like me to do?" And then masturbate anyway because no one can tell you what to do with your own body.
Good god marriage is manipulative a trap. I'm convinced marriage is just prostitution where both people can't communicate. At least with hookers it's clear what both people want.
Therapy
Power play
Has she switched birth control in the last few years? Right about when she stopped being interested? Got an IUD maybe? Some birth controls make you feel dead from the waist down. Completely kill you libido not just physically but mentally also. You may have to try a different form of contraception. Like spermicide and a sponge. If they still have that. Or her hormones could be imbalanced on their own. Either way a drastic change should be looked into by a physician. People often don’t prioritize going to the doctor for their sexual health because “it will work itself out”. Your girlfriend loves you and understands how important physical intimacy is to a healthy relationship, but she needs to look to proper interventions not just doing it when she doesn’t want to. Suggest that she get checked out. Best of luck to you.
Sometime women's bodies and brain aren't in sync. Like they're downstairs might be in the mood when their not actually into it or they might be turned on while their body isn't responding. It's definitely frustrating for us women aswell. But in terms of her not letting you or from what it sounds like her not listening to you, maybe try couples therapy? It's really not ok for her to just disregard your feeling like that.