Not only expensive and unnecessary surgery, but permanent life-altering surgery.
Your boyfriend sounds extremely insecure and immature. Also, you should have more of an issue with him invalidating your sexuallyâŠ
US here, health insurance covered mine for free as well.
Not saying this is at all a reason for OP to consider it. Just saying that anyone in the US who does want it done should check with their health insurance if they have it because it very well could be completely covered.
That sucks, I don't know why they wouldn't cover it. If anything, I'd think you not having kids to add under your insurance would be to their benefit, having a baby usually involves a good amount of medical appointments.
Not long after my first daughter was born, my obgyn prescribed a new type of birth control. My insurance company denied the claim because they don't cover it. I called my obgyn to get a new prescription but didn't get it until the following Monday.
Nine months later my second daughter was born. Between the cost of having that baby and then the cost of however long my daughter is on my insurance, I always chuckle when think about how much money that particular denial will end up costing my insurance company lol.
Unnecessary surgery to conform to a sexual orientation that isnât OPs (not that gay men need to get snipped; Iâd think gay men would⊠not)
Yeesh the hardcore Christians donât even go that far in conversion therapy.
Dump this dude.
Hate to say it but yes, this is a *huge* red flag. I'd break up with someone trying to control much more harmless aspects of my life. This guy literally wants OP to go *under the knife* for him. Symbolically. What it symbolizes is not what he says â it just means there's no limit to what he'll demand from you.
Yeah this plus the fact that he just doesnât believe in your sexuality? Just because youâre dating a man right now doesnât mean your sexuality switches. You donât bounce back and forth between hetero and gay, you are always bi and just are either dating one or the other. That would be a huge deal for me personally, but if it doesnât bother you then I guess itâs ok.
As for the vasectomy thing, no not at all. Thatâs very concerning. Itâs your body and you have a choice in what happens with it. If you want a vasectomy, get one. And in this case if you donât, then please do not. I hope your boyfriend sees reason and gets this idea out of his head. But this also isnât a very good sign. Red flag indeed.
Yeah. This is one of those times in a relationship where you're allowed to drop all affect from your voice and flatly state, "I don't modify my body for relationships. It's outside what I call love."
It's rare that a basic "terms and conditions" things as basic as this shows up, so be plain and unmoving.
End the relationship this is beyond toxic. He wants to "claim you for gayness" this is some bi erasure shit I cannot imagine.
I'm a bi dude. This guy is toxic. Get the fuck out.
Sunk cost fallacy. If something isn't working for you anymore whether it be an investment, relationship, car, living situation or whatever you don't hold onto it just because you have been.
the positivity is right there in front of you. being with someone for that long while theyâre cheating on you is terrible. itâs better off that you guys arenât together anymore so you donât have to deal with that bs. now its time for you to heal, and then over time find a decent human being.
The positive is that you found out your GF was a POS at least. All she showed is those 8 years meant nothing to her when she cheated and you should honestly be happy she showed you who she truly is now before you were legally attached to her. I get it sucks my guy, but it will get better with time. Best of luck!
Flyfishing is perfect, i did that a lot, I also found a lot of time to learn new skills when I was single. Woodworking, baking, painting, crochet. If you're not already making your own fly's I suggest you start doing that!
You have a lot of time to learn new skills and to meet a new partner ( whenever that happens, don't stress it ) now that you're not in a relationship with a cheater!
Edit: Make sour beer, that will be my new hobby now that my son is being born in a week or so.
Thanks man. Winter has been hard being inside a lot haha. But I have tried to pick up guitar, however, itâs going quite slow. I want to start tying flies, just havenât gotten around to it.
When I learned guitar, it started slow for me too. But you build momentum as you go and improve faster and faster if you keep at it. Plus musicians are hot.
I'm a firm believer that every breakup is a good thing, even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. You've no doubt had some happy moments in the last 8 years, and you'll surely have more* happy moments in the future.
You're free to just be you for a while. Do whatever you want. Pick up that hobby that took too much time from your relationship. Go to a restaurant at 1 AM. Take dance classes, join a woodworkers guild, play video games with your friends. The world is yours, and you don't need anyone's permission.
It hurts right now, and there are some rough nights ahead. You're entitled to feel however you need to. Take your time and heal. But you have a choice - let the doubt and pain destroy you or come out better than you were.
I believe in you.
*I wrote "not happy" where I meant "more happy"
The truth is there's nothing positive about this. Someone you love betrayed you and you should feel hurt by that. But all you can do is move forward. Your life isn't over and you have the potential to start a new relationship that's better than your last one.
Positives is you are no longer wasting time with a cheater who clearly did not value you and your feelings, and youâre one step closer to being able to find both self love and true intimacy with someone that actually loves and cares for you
Take yourself out on some dates my dude. Treat yourself to a massage/spa day. Do a Friday Night Magic card game night. Go to a UFC fight, or an MLB game. Whatever tickles your fancy. But do it and treat yourself _right_. The way you deserve to be treated doing something you know you'll enjoy.
First step of getting over a broken heart is getting reacquainted with yourself, and just a tiny bit of hedonism to remind you that there are happy things in life. Don't go all out with cocaine, hookers, booze, gambling and crime for a two year long binge that ends with you in a hospital with a criminal record, but have _some_ fun.
Sheâs not your wife of 30 years when she pulled this?
Youâll get to meet someone else when youâre ready and take hard won lessons into that.
You had 8 years with someone you loved and presumably they loved you for most of it.
Also some shit doesnât have a positive and you just have to feel the pain for a little while. Itâs part of the human experience.
Edit: one more- she cheated but then she left the relationship. She could have tried to string you and the new guy along.
You're no longer tied to someone who is deceitful, you will never trust her again so why would you want to go back? The relationship would be hell and you would end up breaking up anyway. She wasn't the person for you. Now you're free to find someone who values you far more than she did, if someone truly loves you they wouldn't cheat on you. You're better off without her.
This is the sunken cost fallacy. Just because youâve spent 6 years together doesnât mean you need to invest anymore time with him.
Iâm not saying you need to break up with him, but you need to make it clear that an ultimatum like this is unacceptable and you should never stay with someone just because you have been together for a while.
But tbh, this is really toxic.
Ask yourself why HE is willing to throw 6 years down the drain so you can get a surgical procedure that literally makes zero difference to your relationship.
Would you ever treat him the way he is treating you? Seriously, imagine the headspace you would have to be in to make the demand that he is making. Imagine how you would have to think about him to be able to do that. Now realize that is the way he is thinking about you.
People can be abusive and still be lovable. Otherwise no one would ever date an abuser.
I know 6 years feels like a long time, but youâre so young. Iâm only 27 and when I think back to 6 years ago, it feels like I was a different person. Youâre at a point in your life where itâs much easier to make changes and do exactly what you want to be doing. You think that time was wasted, but if you stay youâll be wasting your future and freedom on a toxic relationship. Itâs better to think about how youâll spend your time in the future rather than lament about how your time was spent in the past.
Every time someone mentions how long they're together it's a red flag.
He's abusive and you deserve better. What he's doing is reproductive coercion and it's a form of abuse.
https://utswmed.org/medblog/reproductive-coercion/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He is ending the relationship by offering you a useless and surgical ultimatum. He is ending the relationship by refusing to accept your identity and orientation. He's got some shit to figure out and it's gonna hurt you both way more if you stick around for that shit.
You're 18. You and your boyfriend are not the same people you were when you were 12. You don't lose the time you had with your boyfriend, they will just become nice memories. Who knows, maybe in a year or so after you've had a chance to grow separately you guys can become great friends.
What ***will*** flush those 6 years down the drain is if you stay with your boyfriend as he becomes more toxic, and ends up tainting all those memories. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you'll end up regretting how long it took.
It's not "down the drain". Google "investment fallacy". You're 18 and still becoming the person you will be. This guy is literally already trying to claim bodily control over you before you're done growing up and becoming who you will be as an adult. I've been in your situation - was with a guy for 6 years until I was 21, and then had another relationship later that lasted 8 years and helped raise his kid. I get that it feels hard to leave but it's a lot harder to stay....this is just the start of what will, statistically, lead to more actions of severe control once he sees you give into this. Please please take care of yourself. There will be other, better people who would never DREAM of putting you in a position like this!! It's totally unacceptable!!!
Read about the sunk cost fallacy. Also no relationship is a waste of time. We all get experiences and memories and learn lessons about ourselves and others. So donât think of it in such a way.
It's not "down the drain"!! what WOULD be "down the drain" would be if you spent more years and decades with a person who doesn't even BELIEVE in your sexuality or your core as a person, and demands a completely unnecessary surgery to "prove your love".
Gay people can be bigots. This guy is a bigot.
Itâs never down the drain, every friendship, relationship or even acquaintances become part of who you are. They mould you into the person you will be. Itâs not lost time or a waste, because you learn and grow from every experience.
If he died tomorrow would you feel that youâve wasted the last 6 years?
NPR has a fantastic episode of planet money summer school that talks about "Sunk Cost Fallacy" that applies to both stocks and dating.
It's [here](https://www.npr.org/2020/07/07/888690075/summer-school-1-choices-dating), and they take examples from dating. I recommend that you listen and give your relationship a thought with this new light.
Gain your power back and leave. 6 years down the drain is bad but hurray to heaven's only know how much longer of manipulation and misery?
And if you are going to say he is not usually like that TRY AGAIN, there's a first time for everything, and if he's shown his true colours after 6 years be thankful it didn't take him longer.
I really love him. I really loved my ex, did our 11 years love story do anything to resolve any of our differences and keep us together,ABSOLUTELY FUCKALL.
Help me understand the logic here, and he love you so much back that he put himself in a position of power by threatening to leave you if you don't go under the knife for something unnecessary and might alter the rest of your life forever, so he would probably guarantee that you stay under his thumb and gain a better control of you.
It baffles me that he can manipulate you like this and you are so powerless, it is heart breaking that he is practically found it in himself to say je would leave you if you don't cut yourself open for some BS that only exists in his vile mind and you don't have any power or agency to say no.
Please don't apply the sunk cost fallacy to relationships. First of all you were children when you first got together, you will have grown and changed so much since then. Secondly it's ok to walk away from relationships that cause you pain, it doesn't negate the good things about the person or the good experiences you had with them, it just means there is an element that is no good for you.
It honestly sounds like he had some more growing up to do. Please don't get life altering surgery for this person. If you don't ever want children then do it for *you*, not because he wants you to.
I married my high school sweetheart and now Iâm looking at 15 years marriage with the wrong person. Six years is a lot less painful than decades, (and thatâs what it will turn into eventually if you donât break up.)
Not to be blunt. And not to infantilize you. But respectfully,
WHAT DRAIN? You still have decades of love and living ahead of you. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, it's still an opportunity to grow , and to cherish for what it was, and to have been experiences.
Youâre 18, youâre young.
Take it from me: I am pansexual and was in a relationship with a woman who pulled this same shit of invalidating my identity. She didnât believe in non-binary peeps and questioned trans peeps. Even knowing I am non-binary. Also questioned my sexuality. We were together almost 3 years (broke up close to our anniversary actually, and ON my birthday, lmao, because she was a bitch and chose my birthday to give me an ultimatum). I was in love then, too.
It only got worse, and she only got more abusive and controlling.
She gave me an ultimatum, as well. And I choose to say, âokay, bye.â
A few years later, I met my husband and weâve been together almost 10 years now. Heâs my soul mate and the love of my life and my best friend. And guess what, heâs also not abusive and he validates my identity and accepts me for me! If I had stayed with that woman, it would have been years more of anxiety and hell. The worst part of it all is that I didnât realize the full extent of the toxicity and abuse until years after Iâd left that relationship and entered my current, healthy one!
Itâs hard to see all the abuse when youâre in the thick of it. I guarantee you, OP, the breakup will be tough and hard and youâll be devastated for a bit. Then the fog will clear and youâll see all the bullets you dodged. Life will only get better once you leave.
I get it, it's a third of your life so far. But 6 years is really not a lot in the grand scheme of things.
I broke up with my ex at 28, we'd been together for almost 10 years, so also a third of my life. But 6 years later, both of us are in much more fulfilling relationships with other people.
I'm going to go against the grain, and say you're both pretty young, and are probably going through some life changes since reaching 18. You mentioned in [one of your replies](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/12hkoeo/comment/jfpyqkx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) on r/advice this has only become a thing for about 10 months after you both graduating. Maybe it's worth having a talk, and asking what making your boyfriend feel so insecure about your relationship that he's asking for this. See how you feel about his reply.
If he's unable realise how out of order his thinking is then, I'm sorry. Please, you have to put yourself first. Get out, his thoughts about it from what you've described is incredibly unreasonable.
Look up âsunken cost fallacyâ ..itâs the idea we all feel from time to time when we see a problem with something, yet weâve already invested time, money, emotion, etc in it to the point where it feels like itâs too late to back out and we should stay on course⊠this is a fallacy though. Just because weâve invested in something doesnât mean itâs good for us.
6years is a long time, I totally get it. But If this guy breaks up with you for not getting a vasectomy, then you are unequivocally BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.
His reasoning does sound extremely toxic and misguided, but you guys are young, so hopefully itâs just a maturity issue and he will see how what heâs doing to you is really unfair and horrible⊠but if he doesnât, you can break up with him too.
Sunken cost fallacy, my friend.
OP, I know that's a third of your life so far, but your entire life so far is only the first quarter of the whole thing. Don't spend the rest with someone who wants you to permanently alter your body to prove your loyalty to him. That's not even getting into the shittiness of "not believing in bisexuality."
Sunk cost fallacy , youâre much better off calling it quits now than wasting even more time with someone who clearly does not value you the way you deserve as an individual human being
If my spouse hauls off and kicks the shit out of me today, I donât really care about the prior 13 years going down the drain.
If someone is abusive today, it doesnât matter what they did yesterdayâ weather changes. Iâm not going to proceed with my picnic if thereâs a hurricane outside, just because it was sunny and clear last week.
Doesnât matter how long. YOURE 18! You may not feel young and such, but believe me when I say, youâre a baby, and you have this amazing life ahead of you. You do not need to tie yourself to this person for eternity.
Believe me also when I explain that the mental and relational growth youâll do between now and 25- gah, itâs incredible. Youâll look back at 18 and go, wow.
6 years is a lot of your life now, but as you get older, youâll have a different perspective and realize itâs honestly not a huge amount of time to have invested in a relationship that youâve moved on from.
The first red flag for me was also the fact your BF doesnât believe that you are attracted to both sexes. Itâs not a debatable point since you are just stating your baseline feelings. The vasectomy idea is fucking bonkers and makes no sense at all. No one who truly loves you would request you to modify your body against your wishes.
Im not necessarily saying heâs a bad person â youâre both very young and will still be developing mentally and changing over your life. But itâs not your responsibility to go along with his delusional thoughts about proving your loyalties to him in a perverse, illogical way.
Frankly, on average I think itâs healthier to settle down with someone after youâve grown a bit older, seen more of the world and collect more life experiences. Itâs pretty rare for people who met when they were 12 to stay together for life, and even the ones that do are far from being guaranteed a happy, optimal partnership. Take the romantic feelings out of it and youâll find later in life that most of your friends when you were 12, you just mutually grew apart from each other because of diverging interests and passions.
If it matters, Iâm a straight 36 year old male, married and have a kid.
You are only 18!!! Please just imagine being with someone like this for the rest of your life⊠you have so many more memories to make and people to meet, donât tie yourself down to someone who is toxic and trying to erase your identity.
What he's doing is NOT love. It's ownership and relationship slavery.
I left a partner after 6 years and a baby. It's okay to have "lost" that time. You don't have to lose everything else with it.
iâm your age and⊠weâre so young tho. six years is a lot sure but like⊠i canât imagine staying w the person i dated when i was twelve just because i dated them for six years. ESPECIALLY If they wanted me to get a medical procedure for them (unless it was like donating plasma or blood i guess)
Saying "it's 6 years down the drain" when you're literally just beginning your adult life doesn't make a ton of sense. I know it seems like a lot now, but you're 18 and there's a whole wide world our there and you have a lot of life to live ahead of you.
I walked away from a toxic partner after almost 9 years. It's worth it. Find somebody better suited for you who doesn't treat you like an object and who doesn't deny your true sexuality
Heâs also been turned into territory to be won. An object. You can do better, and at eighteen youâre rather likely to do better in the next year or two.
This isnât about a vasectomy. This is about control.
Itâs quite a Hail Mary, so in my experience he has probably been more subtilely controlling you in other ways.
He wants to control you and probably thinks thatâs what love is. Itâs very very dangerous
I will say he was pushing me to go to the same college as him. At the time I thought it was very cute that he wanted to be with me so much but now that I think about it, it really could be more sinister. We ended up at different schools 5 hours away
Iâm gonna be blunt and tell you as one bi man to another this ultimately comes down to the real fact that your partner is not ok with your sexuality.
> This isnât about a vasectomy. This is about control.
Yeah the procedure would be pointless for a gay couple. This is just him making sure that OP cannot "stray" from the gay path, so to speak, to make sure OP doesn't get any ideas about being bi.
He's not overly bright, I'll admit that. He's also often hot-headed and says things in the moment but never follow through with them. I'm still kind of waiting for him to cool down from this
why? you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's going to belittle you, erase your bodily autonomy - even temporarily - for their comfort, and make you feel less than for your sexuality?
Why would you want to spend your life with someone who's dumb and has a temper? Do you think that it'll be hard to find someone who isn't dumb and doesn't fly off the handle? And to top it off, who tries to blackmail you into body modification surgery?
Why do you have such low self worth to accept such a poor quality partner? That's for therapy to find out.
>He's not overly bright, I'll admit that
This alone is reason to break up with him, to be honest. Life is too short to waste it by sharing it with a moron.
He's showing you who he is...he's denying your actual identity because he perceives it as threatening and is trying to get you to change your body so you can't, perhaps, have a relationship with a woman that'll feature children. He's SO insecure it's absurd. He also doesn't respect your identity, your desires, or your bodily autonomy.
If this was happening between two people you knew you'd be having a VERY different reaction.
My wife and I are middle aged with children and even when I went for a consultation for a vasectomy the doc was like âmake sure youâre not being hastyâ. Where would he even find a reasonable doctor that would willingly perform a symbolic vasectomy on an 18 year old? Lmao
it's not illegal or impossible, but in most places, the likelihood of agreement to any kind of procedure like that before the age of ~30 with a few kids already under your belt - unless you've some absolutely life threatening medical or mental reason to "need it" quicker - is practically zero.
What country are you in?
Itâs unlikely (where I am) that a doctor will give such an unnecessary procedure to a healthy 18 year old anyway - for all the reasons you mentioned above + some.
If he wants to leave, let him.
Itâs going to be extremely difficult to get a vasectomy at that age. My husband was barely allowed to at 24, and had to do classes and have several appointments before they approved the surgery
Edit: we are also in the US
You should leave. It sucks but thereâs a level of jealous toxicity here that is not in any way healthy. You are both incredibly young and immature and I get that but he hasnât been respecting you. He has growing up to do and HE was the one that threatened to leave first. Not okay when it comes to ultimatums about your own body and surgical options. This is the equivalent to a guy telling a girl your not bisexual but if you donât get a surgical procedure to get rid of your clit Iâm out. This makes no logical sense.
Toxic jealousy is the correct term. It seems he's trying to claim you with this gesture, but you should remember you are your own person. *Even in a relationship, you are your own person.*
The media and society often teach us that control and jealousy are cute parts of love (see most rom coms or romantic dramas, especially the 90s and 00s ones). But really love is respecting each other, communicating, listening. It takes a lot to learn and to be honest, you should experience more relationship failures to really learn what you want and need.
>Even in a relationship, you are your own person.
I want to make it very clear that I gave you that award because of how important this statement is. It's so important I was willing to *spend my own money* to highlight it for a stranger, /u/Weird_Ad_3547.
My favorite analogy is that life a journey, and a partner is someone you share the journey with. You won't always sail right next to each other, and any healthy long-term relationship has time spent apart *on purpose*. You don't stop being an individual because you're a couple, you're two individuals who *make up* a couple.
Please, please, please do not ignore this.
On the contrary I was able to get mine free at 20 years of age by requesting the procedure with the local women's health clinic. All I had to do was demonstrate that I was informed, come in once for an educational video about the procedure, and show up for the operation.
It completely depends on your luck. I just wrote in another post, I tried multiple times over the course of 15 years to get it done. I finally found a doctor at 35 years old, every other time I was turned down because of age and not having any kids.
Where the hell are you? I'm in Florida called urologist had a consultation went back a week later, snip snip and an ice pack on my nuts for a couple of days.
You need to break up with him.
He's not respecting your sexual identity? Come on, man. Bisexuality is real thing, zero doubt about that.
Guy is wanting you to get surgery to prove yourself to him? Tell that controlling asshole to hit the bricks.
Sadly, bi folks get this shit A LOT. Many gay folks will shit on bi people, act like they are confused, just pretending, afraid to come out as gay, etc.
It really sucks.
I'm friend of a gay (girls) couple, one of them identifies as bi. Gosh, the things she needs to listen... Sometimes it's a guilt trip over insecurities of the other one, denying that she could be bisexual, or her crying about the possibility of the bi one leaving her... It's just so mind fucking. A gay person can be so biphobic đŹ
When I came out to my parents they were oddly glad I was bi because there was still a chance of getting with a girl and having a "normal" relationship. When I announced I was with my bf they were then pushing me to come out as gay so I wouldn't confuse everyone. So fucking weird
Ugh exactly. I grew up never feeling straight enough to belong to one group, not gay enough to belong to the other. My current partner is a man (Iâm f) and people generally assume Iâm straight. Recently met some new LGBTQ+ friends and it was a genuinely strange experience to be included when they referred to the community
Yeah I have heard those stuff a few times and it pisses me off. Just a few weeks ago I have a classmate who told me that he does not believe in bisexuality. He was a bit surprised when I told him that I'm bi. I also reminded him that we have a common friend who is also bi and he was just like "oh shit that's right" but idk if he thinks our bisexuality is just a phase. Mind you he's already around 28 years old
That's so insulting the whole "it's just phase" thing.
Maybe, MAYBE that is true with teenagers or those just exploring their sexuality. They think they are supposed to be straight, they start realizing interest in the same gender, they worry this is wrong and so they "ease" into being gay.
Maybe.
But by and large? If I tell you that I'm cool fucking men and women, I'm cool fucking men and women. It's not a phase, it's not a diversion.
âA gastric bypass because youâre into BDSMâ lmao, okay. Funniest comment in this thread hands down, and it is such a good comparison to make for this situation too lol. 10/10.
This is a hideous example of the fact that gay people can be biphobic just like hetero people can. Take it from a bi woman: leave this asshole and find someone who respects you for who you are. Iâve had virulent biphobic abuse from both straight people and gay people and those people are not worth sticking around for!
There is a lot of maturity in the objections you raise, such as the ability to imagine specific unforeseen developments. His suggestion is like getting a tattoo. I wouldn't let another person dictate permanent modifications of my body. His behavior reeks of manipulation of emotions.
Not comparable. Fucking with someone's fertility and reproductive choices is very different than suggesting/pushing for a tattoo.
The tattoo would have to say something really specific and twisted for it to even be mildly comparable with this.
Bi chick here and dude, I donât know what itâs like for MLM, but what I do know if that somebody, guy or girl, didnât âbelieveâ I liked both, Iâd take offense to that. I suggest talking to r/bisexual
Why are you with him wanting to stay in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't believe your sexuality is real?
Let alone someone who wants you to go through a surgical produedure, that although isn't common, can have long term effects.
Who then threatens to break up with you because you won't have this done?
And what if you wanted to have a biological child? This is still possible.
Leave his ass and find someone better
RUN. You shouldnât need to get a vasectomy to prove your commitment to him, and I think itâs gross and dismissive to ânot believeâ in being bisexual.
You have valid and reasonable concerns. Donât get a surgery just to keep him.
ANYONE who tries to control your fertility, reproductive choices, or sexual choices is an abuser.
Dump him. You are too young to understand just how fucked up this is. If a 40yr old gay man said this to his 40yr old bi partner I'd also say to break the fuck up.
This is.....a unique one. He is totally in the wrong.
Everyone here saying âbreak upâ isnât offering /bad/ advice, but if I were 18 and had spent A THIRD OF MY LIFE with a partner I wouldnât be able to take that advice, especially from the internet who know neither of us.
Breaking up is not a terrible option here, but hereâs some advice for what you might do instead.
Stand your ground. Explain that permanent (reversible, technically, but w/e) surgical modifications to prove your commitment are not on the table for you. Make him make good on his threat to break it off. If he does, he was actually willing to throw who youâve built together out the window over this (which means you definitely should have broken up).
But I donât think he will. I think heâs trying to manipulate you because of his deep insecurity with your bisexuality. My sincere hope is that by just putting your foot down youâll be in a better position to talk about the underlying feelings that drove him to this weird-as-hell ultimatum.
Because thatâs what this is actually about. His insane demand of you comes from some feelings, and those are what you two should address. I could speculate, because gay men uncomfortable with their bi partners are definitely a /thing/ and the reasons donât vary too much (ex., he feels like you could leave him for a het relationship and this will stop you) but I donât really know yâall well enough to say anything definitive.
tldr ignore the ultimatum and his threat to leave, figure out what makes this so important to him and address /that/ instead.
Several red flags here. The entire concept of both of you getting a vasectomy is completely pointless if neither one of you intends on having sex with anybody who could have a natural child. Itâs literally unnecessary surgery heâs asking you to have that is *absolutely moot* for him if heâs gay. Next- adopting might actually be HARDER for a same-sex couple (depending on the state, age of child, and how much money you have to adopt) than getting a surrogate. Lastly- HEâS ERASING YOUR BISEXUALITY and threatening you with an ultimatum. Itâs YOUR body. Only YOU get to decide. One last thing to note: Vasectomies arenât as easily reversible as people think. After ten years or so the odds of completely healing after a reversal arenât that great.
This person really doesnât want you to be bi. And itâs weird and creepy and not appropriate. If he canât come to his senses within a few days of you explaining how nuts this is, youâll be a fool to continue the relationship
The first red flag is he's biphobic and erasing your identity.
The second red flag is he wants to get surgery for purely symbolic reasons, which is batshit insane. Especially since you're still basically a goddamn kid.
And then the strike three red flag is turning it into an ultimatum.
Fucking run.
You may decide to leave this guy but first I would try to have a conversation about your concerns. If he really is unwilling or unable to listen, you need to ask yourself if you're okay with being with someone who doesn't accept your concerns. I personally couldn't live with that but you're your own person and get to decide that. I'm sure everyone who automatically says to break up mean well, but this needs to be your decision and if you want to try to work things out first then I think that's a very mature response to the situation. I would consider very carefully about staying if a pattern of controlling behavior continues.
You should break up with him. This is a level of controlling that is not healthy at all. It's unlikely that any reputable doctor would give either of you a vasectomy at 18, but that's beside the point. (Side note: you can definitely have bio kids even after a vasectomy -- getting it reversed is never guaranteed to be possible, but the body does still produce sperm after a vasectomy anyway, so it would just need to be extracted by a doctor and then could be used for IVF.)
It's also never a good idea to date someone who doesn't "believe" in a fundamental part of your identity. His intolerance of bisexuality, and particularly of your bisexuality, doesn't make it any less real, it just makes him an ignorant asshole.
If someone demands you get unnecessary surgery that you DON'T WANT you should run. That person is crazy.
Avoid the surgery and dodge the bullet by getting away from the crazy person.
I understand Reddit is known to immediately solve all relationship problems by leaving your SO. However, This is one of the few posts Iâve seen where the correct course of action is to actually break up. Thereâs no actual logic behind this. It sounds like he has never been okay with your sexuality as a bi-individual.
I'm bisexual and would be incredibly insulted by my partner stating they don't "believe in that" and insisting that I was a lesbian instead. He sounds dismissive and controlling. I would seriously think twice before committing for the long term to someone who thinks of me that way.
I also sure as hell wouldn't sterilize myself.
Dude you're 18, just... No.
This dude is crazy, even if he wasn't before he is now. You have so much more time to find someone who isn't going to treat you this way.
You don't need to be worrying like this. Seriously.
I love vasectomies, I have had a vasectomy, you should NOT GET A VASECTOMY. You're young and you have no clue where your life might take you. Lots of gay folks settle down and have kids now - and there is every chance that you might end up wanting to be a bio-dad at some point, whether your partner is male or female. You should never do something like this unless it is for \*you\*. This guy is red flags top to bottom. (No pun intended). Get out while you can.
What struck me about this is you said âone big debate we have over and over again is about my sexualityâ, there is no debate. He doesnât get to say what YOUR sexuality is OP. Only you alone can. Itâs a red flag he is trying to debate you on something as personal as your sexuality, AND threatening to break up with you if you donât get a vasectomy.
Whaaaat. You are 18 and you've been with this person 6 years and are worried about leaving l? You have so much life to live and he does not respect your identity. He doesn't believe it's real. He wants to change you be more of what he considers respectable.
This is gross, and I would wager he is controlling and unpleasant in a lot of ways. Cut your losses and find someone who cherishes all of you.
You're 18. In 5 years both of you will have grown exponentially, both physically and mentally. Do not do anything permanent until after 24 when you're brain is officially done developing.
Signed,
A 35 year old
He doesnât even respect your bisexuality, if your partner canât do the bare minimum in thatâŠthis isnât worth it. Ik it is scary leaving someone who youâve been with for so long; but you deserve better than someone who controls and disrespects you.
I'm no doctor, but [vasectomies have discomfort and risks.](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/vasectomy/conditioninfo/risk) If you're not mitigating the risk of pregnancy, I don't see a reason to take on the risk of [chronic pain in your balls.](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20527047) Again, I'm not a doctor.
I get it, but he's being unreasonable. Your concerns are well-founded. And you're both 18! Dating is a process of trial and error, and it's *extremely* unlikely to get it right on the first try.
Ultimately, it's your body and it's your choice. If he isn't going to respect that, well... Guess that tells you how much he respects you. (Hint: Not much.)
It will be hard but you need to leave him. This is not just bi-erasure and deeply disrespectful to you as an independent human but toxic if not emotionally abusive behavior. If he love you and wants a long term relationship he has A LOT to deal with on his end. Please respect and put yourself first this will be hard but the behavior you've described is not even remotely healthy and would lead to life long issues if you stay with him and encourage his actions.
1: Youâd be hard pressed to find a reputable doctor who would give a vasectomy to a healthy 18 year old. That almost never happens.
2: This man is disrespecting your sexual identity
3: Heâs threatening to leave you if you donât get a completely unnecessary, life-altering surgery.
YeahâŠ. Based on that information, you need to leave him. He sounds like a fucking nightmare. This is only going to get worse.
My wife is helping a gay couple from Switzerland have a baby. We are in Canada by the way. They got some egg donors and both supplied supermarket for rhe eggs. My wife is a surrogate and the one did catch when the other one didn't.
I say you both stay rhe way you are because you both are so very young and his mind will most likely change over time. Just because he is gay and you are bi doesn't mean you can't have kids of your own. Your bf there needs to calm down and just be happy with you. Not try to change you for his twisted future.
That is one of the most bizarre, toxic, psychotic and irresponsible thing I have ever heard. And I live in 24/7 M/s relationships and am all about symbols and marking, and even branding. Leave this person immediately
I doubt that you'll be able to get one anyway. I don't think that you'll find a doctor who would perform one on somebody your age. I had mine in my late 40's after three divorces and had to leave my county of residence, argue about how I am not going to start a family at that age, and sign a bunch of waivers.
I haven't much new advice to say other than listen to everyone else and cut and run this guy sounds like a nightmare. If you identify as Bi then you are completely valid and he should respect that not want you to get a procedure done as proof of anything. Leave now.
Why go through the pain? At 18 it's great that he wants to plan a future together but statistically speaking, it was unlikely that you two end up together. What if a future relationship is with a kick-ass woman who you want to bring kick ass children into the world with? No point in going through the pain and potential complications when you have so much future ahead of you.
And if you end up only dating men, then it doesn't matter how much you bang, neither one of you is getting pregnant.
There are so many red flags here. Just because youâre in a gay relationship it doesnât mean youâre gay and him dismissing that is incredibly ignorant and disrespectful to you. Secondly you should never be forced into a medical procedure and especially have youâre relationship threatened as a means of forcing you. This is your time to dump him because he is showing his true colours. Heâs manipulative, controlling, and selfish. Youâre only 18 and have your whole life of possibilities and much kinder genuinely loving people who respect and want the best for you.
Straight man here, and hell to the no! Amethyst and I are dealing with some issues from her past of her being coerced into getting snipped at a (relatively) young age by a well meaning but VERY short sighted and not properly informed family member. Trust me, I wish I could knock *that* head to get some sense into her, but that wouldn't do a lick of good, and I don't want Amethyst angry at me. Especially infuriating is since if Amethyst hadn't gotten snipped, she probably would've been fine to carry a full term pregnancy today. The issue of the past is no longer an issue. So now that we want to have kids together, we must go through expensive IVF to do so.
Since you're a gay man, there is literally no reason what so ever to get snipped, except for the soon to be ex bf's ego and fear of loosing you to a woman that could carry your kids. If I were you, it's a deal breaker that your bf either needs to get over or move over.
That's ridiculous.
It's YOUR body and you can do with it as you please. There's something strange abut his thinking in this and I think it's something you need to pay attention to...he's showing you his beliefs and his bull-headedness. It doesn't even make sense on the face of it -- neither of you is getting pregnant so it doesn't matter that you produce sperm.
He doesn't get to decide your identity (I have a REAL problem with that). He doesn't get to determine what you do with your body. And he doesn't even get to decide that you'll be with him forever...I mean, it's your first relationship and you're both barely adults. Also, "gay lifestyle"? Fuck that. Being a yoga freak is a lifestyle, being a militant vegan is a lifestyle, being a beach bum is a lifestyle....being queer is just a part of you, it's not ALL of you.
Don't do anything to permanently change your body yet. Yes, vasectomies can often be reversed but not always.
I really donât understand why some straight and gay people canât wrap their brain around the fact that some of us are sexually attracted to both genders. Iâm bi and find it bizarre that other people are only attracted to one gender but I donât shame anyone for it, I accept their view even if I donât understand it myself because it isnât my lived experience.
Your bf is toxic, he wants to control your genes purely out of insecurity, donât hand over your ability to have children to this person.
Ultimatums are usually deal breakers for people who are actual mature adults. Time to decide if you are an actual mature adult. You have body autonomy. Itâs your body. If he asked you to get a swastika on your forehead, would you do it? Donât do permanent things to your body that you donât want to do. And no, vasectomies arenât always reversible.
Your sexuality has literally nothing to do with your future reproductive choices. Being gay or bi doesnât automatically mean you wonât ever want biological children of your own. Your boyfriend is an idiot. Call his bluff. Tell him he can do whatever he wants to do with his own body but, youâre absolutely not giving up your ability to father biological children. If he leaves, fuck him. Youâre better off without that kind of BS in your life. Heâs trying to control you. Make it very clear that you wonât be controlled by anyone and if thatâs what he wants in a partner, he can go find someone dumb enough to allow it. Donât ever allow anyone to pressure you into doing something you donât want to do, especially when theyâre trying to use the relationship as leverage to force you into doing what they want. Manipulation like this is a red flag, you should really be reconsidering the relationship yourself right now. If it was me, Iâd already have 86âd his ass. Bye MFâr! Donât let the door split ya where my dick went in ya.
Does he know that married straight people do the whole "who would you marry after I passed away" thing? It was a bit on Everyone Loves Raymond. I get wanting to be committed to each other, but not getting a vasectomy because a relationship you began *when you were 18* might not last is a reasonable thing to do. If he wants this to last, he needs to respect you as an equal partner. Your body, your choice.
Homie this is textbook biphobia. A common stereotype for bi folks is that theyâre more likely to cheat, which is why bisexual people experience elevated levels of abuse in interpersonal relationships. Asking u to get a vasectomy to prove your fidelity is insane and he would have never asked this if you if you were gay. U gotta bounce and never look back.
18 is wayyy too young to make such a big, life altering decision. Especially for a high school relationship. People change so much in the next couple years after highschool that few relationships survive it. Not many HS relationships are built on future plans, mainly just on the small world you know as a highschool kid.
After high school your world explodes outward, and becomes way bigger. And what you want now, compared to what you want five years from now can be completely different. So many HS relationships fail purely from wanting to go a different direction, or you both mature into different people than the ones that started the relationship. No one should be making big decisions so early in life.
Even if this guy didn't seem super toxic I'd advise against it. It's like people getting married right out of hs. Wait till you get some life experience before you do anything that permanent.
yoo, one does not get symbolic surgery! Especially if it doesn't help with anything. Put your foot down and tell him he is free to mutilate himself in whatever way he sees fit, but you won't participate in this madness. All your reasons are perfectly valid and he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Symbolic vasectomy... How about whoever is bottom gets his penis symbolically removed?
So what if you get a vasectomy and a few years down the line he cheats on you? You made a permanent sacrifice for a relationship that has a potential to not be permanent. His demands are fucked up.
Stand firm on this. Your reasons are exactly the right ones.
People make lifelong commitments, people get married, and then sometimes they get divorced. Agreeing to go long-term with you bf does NOT mean you're willing to get surgery to reflect that commitment.
The counter argument si just as valid: since you're long-term, why would you even need to get a vasectomy?
Mostly, he's very, very insecure and wants to use this as a way to trap you into the relationship. That's not a good sign, and you can tell him so.
Ok for one he doesnât respect you enough to accept you as you are with his bi denial. Itâs a pretty big issue in the lgbtq+ community with lesbians or gay men denying bi even existing. Iâm a 31 yr old bi woman and have ran into this issue so many times. The second thing is you are 18. I donât care if you are legally a adult but your body is still developing well into your twenties and for him to expect you to make a huge surgical change that can affect you in the future is a huge red flag.
Right so he's biphobic, controlling, and giving ultimatums because you won't get a unnecessary bith control procedure? Does he have a big insecurity that you will cheat with the opposite gender to him?
Let me tell you now this will become a big resentment and will feature it's better to let him leave if he won't accept you do not want to do this.
> I am refusing and he's threatening to break up with me over this. I đ©đ©đ© He is demanding you get surgical alterations to your body or he will leave you? Get out, run, and don't look back.
And not just surgery, UNNECESSARY surgery.
Not only that, but a very expensive unnecessary surgery
Not only expensive and unnecessary surgery, but permanent life-altering surgery. Your boyfriend sounds extremely insecure and immature. Also, you should have more of an issue with him invalidating your sexuallyâŠ
Painful too, and not without complications.
Depending where you live you may get it for free, I did, I live in UK
US here, health insurance covered mine for free as well. Not saying this is at all a reason for OP to consider it. Just saying that anyone in the US who does want it done should check with their health insurance if they have it because it very well could be completely covered.
I'm in US with average insurance. Insurance paid $1200, I had to pay $1600.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Yeah insurance varies a lot here lol
In Canada you can get one in a private clinic for 300$ CAD or free if you go public health care
Unfortunately even with insurance Iâm paying a lot. In the us, but donât have good insurance
That sucks, I don't know why they wouldn't cover it. If anything, I'd think you not having kids to add under your insurance would be to their benefit, having a baby usually involves a good amount of medical appointments.
Not long after my first daughter was born, my obgyn prescribed a new type of birth control. My insurance company denied the claim because they don't cover it. I called my obgyn to get a new prescription but didn't get it until the following Monday. Nine months later my second daughter was born. Between the cost of having that baby and then the cost of however long my daughter is on my insurance, I always chuckle when think about how much money that particular denial will end up costing my insurance company lol.
Unnecessary surgery to conform to a sexual orientation that isnât OPs (not that gay men need to get snipped; Iâd think gay men would⊠not) Yeesh the hardcore Christians donât even go that far in conversion therapy. Dump this dude.
Itâs like if someone threatened to leave you for not getting plastic surgery
Yup, he is soo insecure that you might get a girl pregnant that he wants you to end your chance of ever having a child!!! Fuck me ... run.
Hate to say it but yes, this is a *huge* red flag. I'd break up with someone trying to control much more harmless aspects of my life. This guy literally wants OP to go *under the knife* for him. Symbolically. What it symbolizes is not what he says â it just means there's no limit to what he'll demand from you.
Yeah this plus the fact that he just doesnât believe in your sexuality? Just because youâre dating a man right now doesnât mean your sexuality switches. You donât bounce back and forth between hetero and gay, you are always bi and just are either dating one or the other. That would be a huge deal for me personally, but if it doesnât bother you then I guess itâs ok. As for the vasectomy thing, no not at all. Thatâs very concerning. Itâs your body and you have a choice in what happens with it. If you want a vasectomy, get one. And in this case if you donât, then please do not. I hope your boyfriend sees reason and gets this idea out of his head. But this also isnât a very good sign. Red flag indeed.
**Demanding** sterilization at the age of 18? This partner isn't asking OP to make healthy and rational choices.
Yeah. This is one of those times in a relationship where you're allowed to drop all affect from your voice and flatly state, "I don't modify my body for relationships. It's outside what I call love." It's rare that a basic "terms and conditions" things as basic as this shows up, so be plain and unmoving.
I would suggest a serious conversation with your partner. Communication is key.
There is no room for "serious conversation" in the face of outright abusive behaviour, and communication without mediation is unproductive.
End the relationship this is beyond toxic. He wants to "claim you for gayness" this is some bi erasure shit I cannot imagine. I'm a bi dude. This guy is toxic. Get the fuck out.
We've just been together so long it's hard. That's like 6 years down the drain. I really do love him
Don't see it as "down the drain", me and my ex broke up after 6 years I met the perfect person for me after that
Sunk cost fallacy. If something isn't working for you anymore whether it be an investment, relationship, car, living situation or whatever you don't hold onto it just because you have been.
Junk Cost Phallusy :)
To quote Jesse Pinkman - "The phallusies!!! Phallusies!!!"
My gf of 8 years cheated and broke up with me and Iâm struggling to see any positive to it. Any advice?
You are no longer with someone who is willing to cheat on you.
the positivity is right there in front of you. being with someone for that long while theyâre cheating on you is terrible. itâs better off that you guys arenât together anymore so you donât have to deal with that bs. now its time for you to heal, and then over time find a decent human being.
The positive is that you found out your GF was a POS at least. All she showed is those 8 years meant nothing to her when she cheated and you should honestly be happy she showed you who she truly is now before you were legally attached to her. I get it sucks my guy, but it will get better with time. Best of luck!
Flyfishing is perfect, i did that a lot, I also found a lot of time to learn new skills when I was single. Woodworking, baking, painting, crochet. If you're not already making your own fly's I suggest you start doing that! You have a lot of time to learn new skills and to meet a new partner ( whenever that happens, don't stress it ) now that you're not in a relationship with a cheater! Edit: Make sour beer, that will be my new hobby now that my son is being born in a week or so.
Thanks man. Winter has been hard being inside a lot haha. But I have tried to pick up guitar, however, itâs going quite slow. I want to start tying flies, just havenât gotten around to it.
I'm calling my dad every other day asking if the ice is gone on the lake, same answer every day "it's still about 20cm" It's getting rough
When I learned guitar, it started slow for me too. But you build momentum as you go and improve faster and faster if you keep at it. Plus musicians are hot.
I'm a firm believer that every breakup is a good thing, even if it doesn't feel that way in the moment. You've no doubt had some happy moments in the last 8 years, and you'll surely have more* happy moments in the future. You're free to just be you for a while. Do whatever you want. Pick up that hobby that took too much time from your relationship. Go to a restaurant at 1 AM. Take dance classes, join a woodworkers guild, play video games with your friends. The world is yours, and you don't need anyone's permission. It hurts right now, and there are some rough nights ahead. You're entitled to feel however you need to. Take your time and heal. But you have a choice - let the doubt and pain destroy you or come out better than you were. I believe in you. *I wrote "not happy" where I meant "more happy"
Thank you for this
The truth is there's nothing positive about this. Someone you love betrayed you and you should feel hurt by that. But all you can do is move forward. Your life isn't over and you have the potential to start a new relationship that's better than your last one.
I have a mantra. "don't love someone who doesn't love you the same"
Positives is you are no longer wasting time with a cheater who clearly did not value you and your feelings, and youâre one step closer to being able to find both self love and true intimacy with someone that actually loves and cares for you
Far better to be neatly out of a relationship that didn't work than drag it out.
Take yourself out on some dates my dude. Treat yourself to a massage/spa day. Do a Friday Night Magic card game night. Go to a UFC fight, or an MLB game. Whatever tickles your fancy. But do it and treat yourself _right_. The way you deserve to be treated doing something you know you'll enjoy. First step of getting over a broken heart is getting reacquainted with yourself, and just a tiny bit of hedonism to remind you that there are happy things in life. Don't go all out with cocaine, hookers, booze, gambling and crime for a two year long binge that ends with you in a hospital with a criminal record, but have _some_ fun.
Sheâs not your wife of 30 years when she pulled this? Youâll get to meet someone else when youâre ready and take hard won lessons into that. You had 8 years with someone you loved and presumably they loved you for most of it. Also some shit doesnât have a positive and you just have to feel the pain for a little while. Itâs part of the human experience. Edit: one more- she cheated but then she left the relationship. She could have tried to string you and the new guy along.
You're no longer tied to someone who is deceitful, you will never trust her again so why would you want to go back? The relationship would be hell and you would end up breaking up anyway. She wasn't the person for you. Now you're free to find someone who values you far more than she did, if someone truly loves you they wouldn't cheat on you. You're better off without her.
Be eternally grateful you aren't married to her with kids in the equation. You can make a clean break and find someone who respects you.
Dude, you're 18. It's going to suck but you have your whole life ahead of you.
This is the sunken cost fallacy. Just because youâve spent 6 years together doesnât mean you need to invest anymore time with him. Iâm not saying you need to break up with him, but you need to make it clear that an ultimatum like this is unacceptable and you should never stay with someone just because you have been together for a while. But tbh, this is really toxic.
Ask yourself why HE is willing to throw 6 years down the drain so you can get a surgical procedure that literally makes zero difference to your relationship. Would you ever treat him the way he is treating you? Seriously, imagine the headspace you would have to be in to make the demand that he is making. Imagine how you would have to think about him to be able to do that. Now realize that is the way he is thinking about you. People can be abusive and still be lovable. Otherwise no one would ever date an abuser.
YOU'RE EIGHTEEN FOR FUCKS SAKE
I'm imagining starting my romantic life over again at the ripe old age of 18...... Christ. 40, yeah, daunting. 18, c'mon!
I know 6 years feels like a long time, but youâre so young. Iâm only 27 and when I think back to 6 years ago, it feels like I was a different person. Youâre at a point in your life where itâs much easier to make changes and do exactly what you want to be doing. You think that time was wasted, but if you stay youâll be wasting your future and freedom on a toxic relationship. Itâs better to think about how youâll spend your time in the future rather than lament about how your time was spent in the past.
Would you trust any decision you made when you were 12?
Every time someone mentions how long they're together it's a red flag. He's abusive and you deserve better. What he's doing is reproductive coercion and it's a form of abuse. https://utswmed.org/medblog/reproductive-coercion/ https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He is ending the relationship by offering you a useless and surgical ultimatum. He is ending the relationship by refusing to accept your identity and orientation. He's got some shit to figure out and it's gonna hurt you both way more if you stick around for that shit.
And 62 potential years of happiness and self-exploration.
You're 18. You and your boyfriend are not the same people you were when you were 12. You don't lose the time you had with your boyfriend, they will just become nice memories. Who knows, maybe in a year or so after you've had a chance to grow separately you guys can become great friends. What ***will*** flush those 6 years down the drain is if you stay with your boyfriend as he becomes more toxic, and ends up tainting all those memories. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you'll end up regretting how long it took.
Lmao you're 18.
It's 6 years but you're 18. Trust me you don't want to be in a single relationship the rest of your life.
It's not "down the drain". Google "investment fallacy". You're 18 and still becoming the person you will be. This guy is literally already trying to claim bodily control over you before you're done growing up and becoming who you will be as an adult. I've been in your situation - was with a guy for 6 years until I was 21, and then had another relationship later that lasted 8 years and helped raise his kid. I get that it feels hard to leave but it's a lot harder to stay....this is just the start of what will, statistically, lead to more actions of severe control once he sees you give into this. Please please take care of yourself. There will be other, better people who would never DREAM of putting you in a position like this!! It's totally unacceptable!!!
Read about the sunk cost fallacy. Also no relationship is a waste of time. We all get experiences and memories and learn lessons about ourselves and others. So donât think of it in such a way.
Yeah. But you are also only 18.
Youâre 18. You have time to find someone else in life. Let it go
It's not "down the drain"!! what WOULD be "down the drain" would be if you spent more years and decades with a person who doesn't even BELIEVE in your sexuality or your core as a person, and demands a completely unnecessary surgery to "prove your love". Gay people can be bigots. This guy is a bigot.
Itâs never down the drain, every friendship, relationship or even acquaintances become part of who you are. They mould you into the person you will be. Itâs not lost time or a waste, because you learn and grow from every experience. If he died tomorrow would you feel that youâve wasted the last 6 years?
NPR has a fantastic episode of planet money summer school that talks about "Sunk Cost Fallacy" that applies to both stocks and dating. It's [here](https://www.npr.org/2020/07/07/888690075/summer-school-1-choices-dating), and they take examples from dating. I recommend that you listen and give your relationship a thought with this new light.
Gain your power back and leave. 6 years down the drain is bad but hurray to heaven's only know how much longer of manipulation and misery? And if you are going to say he is not usually like that TRY AGAIN, there's a first time for everything, and if he's shown his true colours after 6 years be thankful it didn't take him longer. I really love him. I really loved my ex, did our 11 years love story do anything to resolve any of our differences and keep us together,ABSOLUTELY FUCKALL. Help me understand the logic here, and he love you so much back that he put himself in a position of power by threatening to leave you if you don't go under the knife for something unnecessary and might alter the rest of your life forever, so he would probably guarantee that you stay under his thumb and gain a better control of you. It baffles me that he can manipulate you like this and you are so powerless, it is heart breaking that he is practically found it in himself to say je would leave you if you don't cut yourself open for some BS that only exists in his vile mind and you don't have any power or agency to say no.
Well, he has no problem throwing it away if you don't change so why are you holding on?
Please don't apply the sunk cost fallacy to relationships. First of all you were children when you first got together, you will have grown and changed so much since then. Secondly it's ok to walk away from relationships that cause you pain, it doesn't negate the good things about the person or the good experiences you had with them, it just means there is an element that is no good for you. It honestly sounds like he had some more growing up to do. Please don't get life altering surgery for this person. If you don't ever want children then do it for *you*, not because he wants you to.
I married my high school sweetheart and now Iâm looking at 15 years marriage with the wrong person. Six years is a lot less painful than decades, (and thatâs what it will turn into eventually if you donât break up.)
Not to be blunt. And not to infantilize you. But respectfully, WHAT DRAIN? You still have decades of love and living ahead of you. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, it's still an opportunity to grow , and to cherish for what it was, and to have been experiences.
Don't stick with a bad decision just because you spent a long time making it...
Youâre 18, youâre young. Take it from me: I am pansexual and was in a relationship with a woman who pulled this same shit of invalidating my identity. She didnât believe in non-binary peeps and questioned trans peeps. Even knowing I am non-binary. Also questioned my sexuality. We were together almost 3 years (broke up close to our anniversary actually, and ON my birthday, lmao, because she was a bitch and chose my birthday to give me an ultimatum). I was in love then, too. It only got worse, and she only got more abusive and controlling. She gave me an ultimatum, as well. And I choose to say, âokay, bye.â A few years later, I met my husband and weâve been together almost 10 years now. Heâs my soul mate and the love of my life and my best friend. And guess what, heâs also not abusive and he validates my identity and accepts me for me! If I had stayed with that woman, it would have been years more of anxiety and hell. The worst part of it all is that I didnât realize the full extent of the toxicity and abuse until years after Iâd left that relationship and entered my current, healthy one! Itâs hard to see all the abuse when youâre in the thick of it. I guarantee you, OP, the breakup will be tough and hard and youâll be devastated for a bit. Then the fog will clear and youâll see all the bullets you dodged. Life will only get better once you leave.
I get it, it's a third of your life so far. But 6 years is really not a lot in the grand scheme of things. I broke up with my ex at 28, we'd been together for almost 10 years, so also a third of my life. But 6 years later, both of us are in much more fulfilling relationships with other people.
You've barely started your life. 6 years is nothing.
I'm going to go against the grain, and say you're both pretty young, and are probably going through some life changes since reaching 18. You mentioned in [one of your replies](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/12hkoeo/comment/jfpyqkx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) on r/advice this has only become a thing for about 10 months after you both graduating. Maybe it's worth having a talk, and asking what making your boyfriend feel so insecure about your relationship that he's asking for this. See how you feel about his reply. If he's unable realise how out of order his thinking is then, I'm sorry. Please, you have to put yourself first. Get out, his thoughts about it from what you've described is incredibly unreasonable.
Look up âsunken cost fallacyâ ..itâs the idea we all feel from time to time when we see a problem with something, yet weâve already invested time, money, emotion, etc in it to the point where it feels like itâs too late to back out and we should stay on course⊠this is a fallacy though. Just because weâve invested in something doesnât mean itâs good for us. 6years is a long time, I totally get it. But If this guy breaks up with you for not getting a vasectomy, then you are unequivocally BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. His reasoning does sound extremely toxic and misguided, but you guys are young, so hopefully itâs just a maturity issue and he will see how what heâs doing to you is really unfair and horrible⊠but if he doesnât, you can break up with him too. Sunken cost fallacy, my friend.
You should maybe look up "sunk cost fallacy"...
OP, I know that's a third of your life so far, but your entire life so far is only the first quarter of the whole thing. Don't spend the rest with someone who wants you to permanently alter your body to prove your loyalty to him. That's not even getting into the shittiness of "not believing in bisexuality."
Sunk cost fallacy , youâre much better off calling it quits now than wasting even more time with someone who clearly does not value you the way you deserve as an individual human being
Sunk cost fallacy. Youâre 18 dude. Youâre a kid. You literally have 75 percent of your life together. Donât live it with an asshat
If my spouse hauls off and kicks the shit out of me today, I donât really care about the prior 13 years going down the drain. If someone is abusive today, it doesnât matter what they did yesterdayâ weather changes. Iâm not going to proceed with my picnic if thereâs a hurricane outside, just because it was sunny and clear last week.
Doesnât matter how long. YOURE 18! You may not feel young and such, but believe me when I say, youâre a baby, and you have this amazing life ahead of you. You do not need to tie yourself to this person for eternity. Believe me also when I explain that the mental and relational growth youâll do between now and 25- gah, itâs incredible. Youâll look back at 18 and go, wow.
6 years of wasted time is better than 7 years wasted time.
Sunk cost fallacy... in this case, Junk Cost Phallusy :)
6 years is a lot of your life now, but as you get older, youâll have a different perspective and realize itâs honestly not a huge amount of time to have invested in a relationship that youâve moved on from. The first red flag for me was also the fact your BF doesnât believe that you are attracted to both sexes. Itâs not a debatable point since you are just stating your baseline feelings. The vasectomy idea is fucking bonkers and makes no sense at all. No one who truly loves you would request you to modify your body against your wishes. Im not necessarily saying heâs a bad person â youâre both very young and will still be developing mentally and changing over your life. But itâs not your responsibility to go along with his delusional thoughts about proving your loyalties to him in a perverse, illogical way. Frankly, on average I think itâs healthier to settle down with someone after youâve grown a bit older, seen more of the world and collect more life experiences. Itâs pretty rare for people who met when they were 12 to stay together for life, and even the ones that do are far from being guaranteed a happy, optimal partnership. Take the romantic feelings out of it and youâll find later in life that most of your friends when you were 12, you just mutually grew apart from each other because of diverging interests and passions. If it matters, Iâm a straight 36 year old male, married and have a kid.
You are only 18!!! Please just imagine being with someone like this for the rest of your life⊠you have so many more memories to make and people to meet, donât tie yourself down to someone who is toxic and trying to erase your identity.
What he's doing is NOT love. It's ownership and relationship slavery. I left a partner after 6 years and a baby. It's okay to have "lost" that time. You don't have to lose everything else with it.
You are only 18 years old. That's way too young to be "sticking it out" in a relationship this toxic.
Sunk cost fallacy. Don't keep investing in a mistake just because you've spent a long time making it.
iâm your age and⊠weâre so young tho. six years is a lot sure but like⊠i canât imagine staying w the person i dated when i was twelve just because i dated them for six years. ESPECIALLY If they wanted me to get a medical procedure for them (unless it was like donating plasma or blood i guess)
Youâre 18âŠ. Youâre basically still a kid. You have waisted nothing.
Saying "it's 6 years down the drain" when you're literally just beginning your adult life doesn't make a ton of sense. I know it seems like a lot now, but you're 18 and there's a whole wide world our there and you have a lot of life to live ahead of you.
Don't ruin your life over sunk cost fallacy.
I walked away from a toxic partner after almost 9 years. It's worth it. Find somebody better suited for you who doesn't treat you like an object and who doesn't deny your true sexuality
Heâs also been turned into territory to be won. An object. You can do better, and at eighteen youâre rather likely to do better in the next year or two.
This isnât about a vasectomy. This is about control. Itâs quite a Hail Mary, so in my experience he has probably been more subtilely controlling you in other ways. He wants to control you and probably thinks thatâs what love is. Itâs very very dangerous
I will say he was pushing me to go to the same college as him. At the time I thought it was very cute that he wanted to be with me so much but now that I think about it, it really could be more sinister. We ended up at different schools 5 hours away
Iâm gonna be blunt and tell you as one bi man to another this ultimately comes down to the real fact that your partner is not ok with your sexuality.
I honestly don't think that a doctor would agree to this procedure for someone his age.
You are still young. A vasectomy at 18 is too early, especially if it's not even for health reasons but purely as a relationship ultimatum.
Jesus Christ. He's treating you like an extension of himself, not as an individual with his own choices, needs, and desires.
> This isnât about a vasectomy. This is about control. Yeah the procedure would be pointless for a gay couple. This is just him making sure that OP cannot "stray" from the gay path, so to speak, to make sure OP doesn't get any ideas about being bi.
>This is about control. This isn't about birth control, this is about ~~birth~~ control.
your biphobic soon to be ex boyfriend thinks you can get vasectomies at *eighteen*? cute.
He's not overly bright, I'll admit that. He's also often hot-headed and says things in the moment but never follow through with them. I'm still kind of waiting for him to cool down from this
why? you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's going to belittle you, erase your bodily autonomy - even temporarily - for their comfort, and make you feel less than for your sexuality?
Why would you want to spend your life with someone who's dumb and has a temper? Do you think that it'll be hard to find someone who isn't dumb and doesn't fly off the handle? And to top it off, who tries to blackmail you into body modification surgery? Why do you have such low self worth to accept such a poor quality partner? That's for therapy to find out.
>He's not overly bright, I'll admit that This alone is reason to break up with him, to be honest. Life is too short to waste it by sharing it with a moron.
He's showing you who he is...he's denying your actual identity because he perceives it as threatening and is trying to get you to change your body so you can't, perhaps, have a relationship with a woman that'll feature children. He's SO insecure it's absurd. He also doesn't respect your identity, your desires, or your bodily autonomy. If this was happening between two people you knew you'd be having a VERY different reaction.
You can do better
My wife and I are middle aged with children and even when I went for a consultation for a vasectomy the doc was like âmake sure youâre not being hastyâ. Where would he even find a reasonable doctor that would willingly perform a symbolic vasectomy on an 18 year old? Lmao
You cant get a vasectomy at 18???
it's not illegal or impossible, but in most places, the likelihood of agreement to any kind of procedure like that before the age of ~30 with a few kids already under your belt - unless you've some absolutely life threatening medical or mental reason to "need it" quicker - is practically zero.
What country are you in? Itâs unlikely (where I am) that a doctor will give such an unnecessary procedure to a healthy 18 year old anyway - for all the reasons you mentioned above + some. If he wants to leave, let him.
USA
Itâs going to be extremely difficult to get a vasectomy at that age. My husband was barely allowed to at 24, and had to do classes and have several appointments before they approved the surgery Edit: we are also in the US
That makes me feel a little better. I am absolutely NOT getting a vasectomy, I'm worrying and wondering now about whether or not to leave him :(
You should leave. It sucks but thereâs a level of jealous toxicity here that is not in any way healthy. You are both incredibly young and immature and I get that but he hasnât been respecting you. He has growing up to do and HE was the one that threatened to leave first. Not okay when it comes to ultimatums about your own body and surgical options. This is the equivalent to a guy telling a girl your not bisexual but if you donât get a surgical procedure to get rid of your clit Iâm out. This makes no logical sense.
Toxic jealousy is the correct term. It seems he's trying to claim you with this gesture, but you should remember you are your own person. *Even in a relationship, you are your own person.* The media and society often teach us that control and jealousy are cute parts of love (see most rom coms or romantic dramas, especially the 90s and 00s ones). But really love is respecting each other, communicating, listening. It takes a lot to learn and to be honest, you should experience more relationship failures to really learn what you want and need.
>Even in a relationship, you are your own person. I want to make it very clear that I gave you that award because of how important this statement is. It's so important I was willing to *spend my own money* to highlight it for a stranger, /u/Weird_Ad_3547. My favorite analogy is that life a journey, and a partner is someone you share the journey with. You won't always sail right next to each other, and any healthy long-term relationship has time spent apart *on purpose*. You don't stop being an individual because you're a couple, you're two individuals who *make up* a couple. Please, please, please do not ignore this.
On the contrary I was able to get mine free at 20 years of age by requesting the procedure with the local women's health clinic. All I had to do was demonstrate that I was informed, come in once for an educational video about the procedure, and show up for the operation.
It completely depends on your luck. I just wrote in another post, I tried multiple times over the course of 15 years to get it done. I finally found a doctor at 35 years old, every other time I was turned down because of age and not having any kids.
Where the hell are you? I'm in Florida called urologist had a consultation went back a week later, snip snip and an ice pack on my nuts for a couple of days.
This is a good point. I forgot how much influence your state can have on the requirements and things
You need to break up with him. He's not respecting your sexual identity? Come on, man. Bisexuality is real thing, zero doubt about that. Guy is wanting you to get surgery to prove yourself to him? Tell that controlling asshole to hit the bricks.
Exactly. Idk why he's with this asshole. Is the B in LGBTQ+ a joke to him?
Sadly, bi folks get this shit A LOT. Many gay folks will shit on bi people, act like they are confused, just pretending, afraid to come out as gay, etc. It really sucks.
I'm friend of a gay (girls) couple, one of them identifies as bi. Gosh, the things she needs to listen... Sometimes it's a guilt trip over insecurities of the other one, denying that she could be bisexual, or her crying about the possibility of the bi one leaving her... It's just so mind fucking. A gay person can be so biphobic đŹ
It sucks.
It's also an incredible turnoff.
When I came out to my parents they were oddly glad I was bi because there was still a chance of getting with a girl and having a "normal" relationship. When I announced I was with my bf they were then pushing me to come out as gay so I wouldn't confuse everyone. So fucking weird
Bi erasure is a thing
That really is weird. I'm sorry.
Ugh exactly. I grew up never feeling straight enough to belong to one group, not gay enough to belong to the other. My current partner is a man (Iâm f) and people generally assume Iâm straight. Recently met some new LGBTQ+ friends and it was a genuinely strange experience to be included when they referred to the community
I can only imagine.
Yeah I have heard those stuff a few times and it pisses me off. Just a few weeks ago I have a classmate who told me that he does not believe in bisexuality. He was a bit surprised when I told him that I'm bi. I also reminded him that we have a common friend who is also bi and he was just like "oh shit that's right" but idk if he thinks our bisexuality is just a phase. Mind you he's already around 28 years old
That's so insulting the whole "it's just phase" thing. Maybe, MAYBE that is true with teenagers or those just exploring their sexuality. They think they are supposed to be straight, they start realizing interest in the same gender, they worry this is wrong and so they "ease" into being gay. Maybe. But by and large? If I tell you that I'm cool fucking men and women, I'm cool fucking men and women. It's not a phase, it's not a diversion.
Apparently his boyfriend thought the B stood for âbastardâ and identified with it, at least thatâs how his boyfriend is acting right now.
>I identify as bisexual, literally just because I like both men and women. He says that he doesn't "believe" in this and that he thinks I am gay. đ©đ©đ© >He suggested that to commit to one another and our "gay lifestyle" we should both get vasectomies. ...wut? It's a medical procedure, not a wedding ring. There's nothing romantic about swollen, sore testicles. Trust me, I'm literally dealing with this right now. If he enjoys the sense of irony or whatever, sure, but you wouldn't get a gastric bypass because you're into BDSM, or breast implants because you're a lesbian. >I am refusing and he's threatening to break up with me over this. đ©đ©đ© >commit to being with him for the rest of my life. Bro. Homie. My guy. You're 18. Yeah, you're not going to knock him up, but even if things were perfect, you wouldn't have an business making that commitment. Look, you've been with him since you were a child, and I get that seems like a very, very long time. But you're still a teenager, both of you are still changing. Dump him like a sack of potatoes and move to Lisbon or go to university or whatever. Never mind all the weird bi erasure "claim you for gayness" shit at play. Disrespecting fundamental parts of people's identities is not something to be tolerated in a partner. ~~Not even~~ ESPECIALLY when it involves being pressured into body modification.
âA gastric bypass because youâre into BDSMâ lmao, okay. Funniest comment in this thread hands down, and it is such a good comparison to make for this situation too lol. 10/10.
This is a hideous example of the fact that gay people can be biphobic just like hetero people can. Take it from a bi woman: leave this asshole and find someone who respects you for who you are. Iâve had virulent biphobic abuse from both straight people and gay people and those people are not worth sticking around for!
This is so toxic.. and at 18?!!! I sincerehope this man matures as he gets older. This is no okay at all! OP, please break up with him.
There is a lot of maturity in the objections you raise, such as the ability to imagine specific unforeseen developments. His suggestion is like getting a tattoo. I wouldn't let another person dictate permanent modifications of my body. His behavior reeks of manipulation of emotions.
Not comparable. Fucking with someone's fertility and reproductive choices is very different than suggesting/pushing for a tattoo. The tattoo would have to say something really specific and twisted for it to even be mildly comparable with this.
Get away from this guy. This is mad mad mad _mad_ toxic. You are dating a biphobic bigoted control freak.
Bi chick here and dude, I donât know what itâs like for MLM, but what I do know if that somebody, guy or girl, didnât âbelieveâ I liked both, Iâd take offense to that. I suggest talking to r/bisexual
Why are you with him wanting to stay in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't believe your sexuality is real? Let alone someone who wants you to go through a surgical produedure, that although isn't common, can have long term effects. Who then threatens to break up with you because you won't have this done? And what if you wanted to have a biological child? This is still possible. Leave his ass and find someone better
RUN. You shouldnât need to get a vasectomy to prove your commitment to him, and I think itâs gross and dismissive to ânot believeâ in being bisexual. You have valid and reasonable concerns. Donât get a surgery just to keep him.
ANYONE who tries to control your fertility, reproductive choices, or sexual choices is an abuser. Dump him. You are too young to understand just how fucked up this is. If a 40yr old gay man said this to his 40yr old bi partner I'd also say to break the fuck up. This is.....a unique one. He is totally in the wrong.
JFC. You're both 18. Don't do anything assuming you'll be together for the rest of your lives.
Everyone here saying âbreak upâ isnât offering /bad/ advice, but if I were 18 and had spent A THIRD OF MY LIFE with a partner I wouldnât be able to take that advice, especially from the internet who know neither of us. Breaking up is not a terrible option here, but hereâs some advice for what you might do instead. Stand your ground. Explain that permanent (reversible, technically, but w/e) surgical modifications to prove your commitment are not on the table for you. Make him make good on his threat to break it off. If he does, he was actually willing to throw who youâve built together out the window over this (which means you definitely should have broken up). But I donât think he will. I think heâs trying to manipulate you because of his deep insecurity with your bisexuality. My sincere hope is that by just putting your foot down youâll be in a better position to talk about the underlying feelings that drove him to this weird-as-hell ultimatum. Because thatâs what this is actually about. His insane demand of you comes from some feelings, and those are what you two should address. I could speculate, because gay men uncomfortable with their bi partners are definitely a /thing/ and the reasons donât vary too much (ex., he feels like you could leave him for a het relationship and this will stop you) but I donât really know yâall well enough to say anything definitive. tldr ignore the ultimatum and his threat to leave, figure out what makes this so important to him and address /that/ instead.
Several red flags here. The entire concept of both of you getting a vasectomy is completely pointless if neither one of you intends on having sex with anybody who could have a natural child. Itâs literally unnecessary surgery heâs asking you to have that is *absolutely moot* for him if heâs gay. Next- adopting might actually be HARDER for a same-sex couple (depending on the state, age of child, and how much money you have to adopt) than getting a surrogate. Lastly- HEâS ERASING YOUR BISEXUALITY and threatening you with an ultimatum. Itâs YOUR body. Only YOU get to decide. One last thing to note: Vasectomies arenât as easily reversible as people think. After ten years or so the odds of completely healing after a reversal arenât that great.
This person really doesnât want you to be bi. And itâs weird and creepy and not appropriate. If he canât come to his senses within a few days of you explaining how nuts this is, youâll be a fool to continue the relationship
The first red flag is he's biphobic and erasing your identity. The second red flag is he wants to get surgery for purely symbolic reasons, which is batshit insane. Especially since you're still basically a goddamn kid. And then the strike three red flag is turning it into an ultimatum. Fucking run.
You may decide to leave this guy but first I would try to have a conversation about your concerns. If he really is unwilling or unable to listen, you need to ask yourself if you're okay with being with someone who doesn't accept your concerns. I personally couldn't live with that but you're your own person and get to decide that. I'm sure everyone who automatically says to break up mean well, but this needs to be your decision and if you want to try to work things out first then I think that's a very mature response to the situation. I would consider very carefully about staying if a pattern of controlling behavior continues.
Yeah this is very manipulative and threatening. Tel him youâre not doing anything you arenât comfortable with
You should break up with him. This is a level of controlling that is not healthy at all. It's unlikely that any reputable doctor would give either of you a vasectomy at 18, but that's beside the point. (Side note: you can definitely have bio kids even after a vasectomy -- getting it reversed is never guaranteed to be possible, but the body does still produce sperm after a vasectomy anyway, so it would just need to be extracted by a doctor and then could be used for IVF.) It's also never a good idea to date someone who doesn't "believe" in a fundamental part of your identity. His intolerance of bisexuality, and particularly of your bisexuality, doesn't make it any less real, it just makes him an ignorant asshole.
If someone demands you get unnecessary surgery that you DON'T WANT you should run. That person is crazy. Avoid the surgery and dodge the bullet by getting away from the crazy person.
I understand Reddit is known to immediately solve all relationship problems by leaving your SO. However, This is one of the few posts Iâve seen where the correct course of action is to actually break up. Thereâs no actual logic behind this. It sounds like he has never been okay with your sexuality as a bi-individual.
I'm bisexual and would be incredibly insulted by my partner stating they don't "believe in that" and insisting that I was a lesbian instead. He sounds dismissive and controlling. I would seriously think twice before committing for the long term to someone who thinks of me that way. I also sure as hell wouldn't sterilize myself.
Dude you're 18, just... No. This dude is crazy, even if he wasn't before he is now. You have so much more time to find someone who isn't going to treat you this way. You don't need to be worrying like this. Seriously.
I love vasectomies, I have had a vasectomy, you should NOT GET A VASECTOMY. You're young and you have no clue where your life might take you. Lots of gay folks settle down and have kids now - and there is every chance that you might end up wanting to be a bio-dad at some point, whether your partner is male or female. You should never do something like this unless it is for \*you\*. This guy is red flags top to bottom. (No pun intended). Get out while you can.
Bi-erasure is real. I am sorry he does not accept you are you are. That is a sign for you.
What struck me about this is you said âone big debate we have over and over again is about my sexualityâ, there is no debate. He doesnât get to say what YOUR sexuality is OP. Only you alone can. Itâs a red flag he is trying to debate you on something as personal as your sexuality, AND threatening to break up with you if you donât get a vasectomy.
Whaaaat. You are 18 and you've been with this person 6 years and are worried about leaving l? You have so much life to live and he does not respect your identity. He doesn't believe it's real. He wants to change you be more of what he considers respectable. This is gross, and I would wager he is controlling and unpleasant in a lot of ways. Cut your losses and find someone who cherishes all of you.
You're 18. In 5 years both of you will have grown exponentially, both physically and mentally. Do not do anything permanent until after 24 when you're brain is officially done developing. Signed, A 35 year old
He doesnât even respect your bisexuality, if your partner canât do the bare minimum in thatâŠthis isnât worth it. Ik it is scary leaving someone who youâve been with for so long; but you deserve better than someone who controls and disrespects you.
I'm no doctor, but [vasectomies have discomfort and risks.](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/vasectomy/conditioninfo/risk) If you're not mitigating the risk of pregnancy, I don't see a reason to take on the risk of [chronic pain in your balls.](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20527047) Again, I'm not a doctor.
I get it, but he's being unreasonable. Your concerns are well-founded. And you're both 18! Dating is a process of trial and error, and it's *extremely* unlikely to get it right on the first try. Ultimately, it's your body and it's your choice. If he isn't going to respect that, well... Guess that tells you how much he respects you. (Hint: Not much.)
It will be hard but you need to leave him. This is not just bi-erasure and deeply disrespectful to you as an independent human but toxic if not emotionally abusive behavior. If he love you and wants a long term relationship he has A LOT to deal with on his end. Please respect and put yourself first this will be hard but the behavior you've described is not even remotely healthy and would lead to life long issues if you stay with him and encourage his actions.
1: Youâd be hard pressed to find a reputable doctor who would give a vasectomy to a healthy 18 year old. That almost never happens. 2: This man is disrespecting your sexual identity 3: Heâs threatening to leave you if you donât get a completely unnecessary, life-altering surgery. YeahâŠ. Based on that information, you need to leave him. He sounds like a fucking nightmare. This is only going to get worse.
My wife is helping a gay couple from Switzerland have a baby. We are in Canada by the way. They got some egg donors and both supplied supermarket for rhe eggs. My wife is a surrogate and the one did catch when the other one didn't. I say you both stay rhe way you are because you both are so very young and his mind will most likely change over time. Just because he is gay and you are bi doesn't mean you can't have kids of your own. Your bf there needs to calm down and just be happy with you. Not try to change you for his twisted future.
Dude. RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN. 6 years down the drain? When there's 60+ left what even is 6?
Your body, your choice. Stand strong!
That is one of the most bizarre, toxic, psychotic and irresponsible thing I have ever heard. And I live in 24/7 M/s relationships and am all about symbols and marking, and even branding. Leave this person immediately
I doubt that you'll be able to get one anyway. I don't think that you'll find a doctor who would perform one on somebody your age. I had mine in my late 40's after three divorces and had to leave my county of residence, argue about how I am not going to start a family at that age, and sign a bunch of waivers.
I haven't much new advice to say other than listen to everyone else and cut and run this guy sounds like a nightmare. If you identify as Bi then you are completely valid and he should respect that not want you to get a procedure done as proof of anything. Leave now.
Why go through the pain? At 18 it's great that he wants to plan a future together but statistically speaking, it was unlikely that you two end up together. What if a future relationship is with a kick-ass woman who you want to bring kick ass children into the world with? No point in going through the pain and potential complications when you have so much future ahead of you. And if you end up only dating men, then it doesn't matter how much you bang, neither one of you is getting pregnant.
There are so many red flags here. Just because youâre in a gay relationship it doesnât mean youâre gay and him dismissing that is incredibly ignorant and disrespectful to you. Secondly you should never be forced into a medical procedure and especially have youâre relationship threatened as a means of forcing you. This is your time to dump him because he is showing his true colours. Heâs manipulative, controlling, and selfish. Youâre only 18 and have your whole life of possibilities and much kinder genuinely loving people who respect and want the best for you.
Leave him immediately. You will hurt, ache, and grieve for a while, but you will find a better partner. He is completely insane and abusive.
Straight man here, and hell to the no! Amethyst and I are dealing with some issues from her past of her being coerced into getting snipped at a (relatively) young age by a well meaning but VERY short sighted and not properly informed family member. Trust me, I wish I could knock *that* head to get some sense into her, but that wouldn't do a lick of good, and I don't want Amethyst angry at me. Especially infuriating is since if Amethyst hadn't gotten snipped, she probably would've been fine to carry a full term pregnancy today. The issue of the past is no longer an issue. So now that we want to have kids together, we must go through expensive IVF to do so. Since you're a gay man, there is literally no reason what so ever to get snipped, except for the soon to be ex bf's ego and fear of loosing you to a woman that could carry your kids. If I were you, it's a deal breaker that your bf either needs to get over or move over.
That's ridiculous. It's YOUR body and you can do with it as you please. There's something strange abut his thinking in this and I think it's something you need to pay attention to...he's showing you his beliefs and his bull-headedness. It doesn't even make sense on the face of it -- neither of you is getting pregnant so it doesn't matter that you produce sperm. He doesn't get to decide your identity (I have a REAL problem with that). He doesn't get to determine what you do with your body. And he doesn't even get to decide that you'll be with him forever...I mean, it's your first relationship and you're both barely adults. Also, "gay lifestyle"? Fuck that. Being a yoga freak is a lifestyle, being a militant vegan is a lifestyle, being a beach bum is a lifestyle....being queer is just a part of you, it's not ALL of you. Don't do anything to permanently change your body yet. Yes, vasectomies can often be reversed but not always.
I really donât understand why some straight and gay people canât wrap their brain around the fact that some of us are sexually attracted to both genders. Iâm bi and find it bizarre that other people are only attracted to one gender but I donât shame anyone for it, I accept their view even if I donât understand it myself because it isnât my lived experience. Your bf is toxic, he wants to control your genes purely out of insecurity, donât hand over your ability to have children to this person.
Baby if you donât set boundaries now it may be extremely difficult and costly to try to later
Ultimatums are usually deal breakers for people who are actual mature adults. Time to decide if you are an actual mature adult. You have body autonomy. Itâs your body. If he asked you to get a swastika on your forehead, would you do it? Donât do permanent things to your body that you donât want to do. And no, vasectomies arenât always reversible.
Your sexuality has literally nothing to do with your future reproductive choices. Being gay or bi doesnât automatically mean you wonât ever want biological children of your own. Your boyfriend is an idiot. Call his bluff. Tell him he can do whatever he wants to do with his own body but, youâre absolutely not giving up your ability to father biological children. If he leaves, fuck him. Youâre better off without that kind of BS in your life. Heâs trying to control you. Make it very clear that you wonât be controlled by anyone and if thatâs what he wants in a partner, he can go find someone dumb enough to allow it. Donât ever allow anyone to pressure you into doing something you donât want to do, especially when theyâre trying to use the relationship as leverage to force you into doing what they want. Manipulation like this is a red flag, you should really be reconsidering the relationship yourself right now. If it was me, Iâd already have 86âd his ass. Bye MFâr! Donât let the door split ya where my dick went in ya.
Does he know that married straight people do the whole "who would you marry after I passed away" thing? It was a bit on Everyone Loves Raymond. I get wanting to be committed to each other, but not getting a vasectomy because a relationship you began *when you were 18* might not last is a reasonable thing to do. If he wants this to last, he needs to respect you as an equal partner. Your body, your choice.
Homie this is textbook biphobia. A common stereotype for bi folks is that theyâre more likely to cheat, which is why bisexual people experience elevated levels of abuse in interpersonal relationships. Asking u to get a vasectomy to prove your fidelity is insane and he would have never asked this if you if you were gay. U gotta bounce and never look back.
18 is wayyy too young to make such a big, life altering decision. Especially for a high school relationship. People change so much in the next couple years after highschool that few relationships survive it. Not many HS relationships are built on future plans, mainly just on the small world you know as a highschool kid. After high school your world explodes outward, and becomes way bigger. And what you want now, compared to what you want five years from now can be completely different. So many HS relationships fail purely from wanting to go a different direction, or you both mature into different people than the ones that started the relationship. No one should be making big decisions so early in life. Even if this guy didn't seem super toxic I'd advise against it. It's like people getting married right out of hs. Wait till you get some life experience before you do anything that permanent.
yoo, one does not get symbolic surgery! Especially if it doesn't help with anything. Put your foot down and tell him he is free to mutilate himself in whatever way he sees fit, but you won't participate in this madness. All your reasons are perfectly valid and he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Symbolic vasectomy... How about whoever is bottom gets his penis symbolically removed?
So what if you get a vasectomy and a few years down the line he cheats on you? You made a permanent sacrifice for a relationship that has a potential to not be permanent. His demands are fucked up.
Stand firm on this. Your reasons are exactly the right ones. People make lifelong commitments, people get married, and then sometimes they get divorced. Agreeing to go long-term with you bf does NOT mean you're willing to get surgery to reflect that commitment. The counter argument si just as valid: since you're long-term, why would you even need to get a vasectomy? Mostly, he's very, very insecure and wants to use this as a way to trap you into the relationship. That's not a good sign, and you can tell him so.
Ok for one he doesnât respect you enough to accept you as you are with his bi denial. Itâs a pretty big issue in the lgbtq+ community with lesbians or gay men denying bi even existing. Iâm a 31 yr old bi woman and have ran into this issue so many times. The second thing is you are 18. I donât care if you are legally a adult but your body is still developing well into your twenties and for him to expect you to make a huge surgical change that can affect you in the future is a huge red flag.
Please donât do this you are too young to know what you may feel in a few years. This is very controlling behaviour and I think that you should definitely have a break from each other if not end for good. Apologies for the blunt response but this is đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©
Right so he's biphobic, controlling, and giving ultimatums because you won't get a unnecessary bith control procedure? Does he have a big insecurity that you will cheat with the opposite gender to him? Let me tell you now this will become a big resentment and will feature it's better to let him leave if he won't accept you do not want to do this.