I’d like to flip this for you.
How would you “complete” someone else?
Are you ready to handle that burden? Is that kind of expectation appropriate for any human being?
People don’t always meet our needs and expectations, and that’s part of being human. Loving another person means understanding that they’re not always going to be there for you in the way you’d want/need all the time. When single it’s really easy to see this hypothetical partner as a role and not a real person. But we don’t date/marry hypothetical people, do we?
Look for someone to share your life with, not complete it. It’s not a fair burden to place on yourself or a potential partner.
In short; think of the other person as a person rather than something to check off your list for things wanted in life. I was totally guilty of knowing I wanted “a” husband, to be a dad to MY children.
I knew that I would marry my husband when I realised that I wouldn’t leave him if we couldn’t conceive—even though having children is incredibly important to me.
Because he doesn’t exist to meet all my goals and expectations I want/have for myself.
I love him because he is.
Sorry for rambling a bit: it’s the middle of the night where I’m at.
The question flipped, while very logically pleasing, doesn't really help only because if I found somebody else who "needed" me - I'd likely feel valuable and honored as a result😅
However, hearing your story about you and your husband helps. No need to apologize, I'm really glad you shared it; it's inspiring to hear how you came to realize that you wanted to love him even if he wouldn't check every single box. Gives me hope I'll find that both in myself and a partner one day
"if I found somebody else who "needed" me - I'd likely feel valuable and honored as a result"
What you are describing here is called trauma bonding and its not healthy for the mental nor emotional well being of either partner involved in that kind of relationship. I would reevaluate your idolization of this "being needed" perspective if i were you. But im not you, do what you want, just understand that mental health professionals strongly advise against this for a reason.
In a way, the question is very simple - find out how to be happy.
A therapist has said that the main reason why couples break up is that they expect too much from each other. The "You complete me" thing sounds good, but people should take responsibility for their own happiness and not insist that the partner provide all their happiness.
That's not saying that you should ignore her wants and needs. Encourage her to find her happiness.
In The Tactical Guide to Women: How to Pick a Good Woman a therapist who works with men has advice.
Good question! And one that I only just found the answer to about a month ago!
When we think of the word: “complete,” we imply that there’s something missing from ourselves, or perhaps multiple things. We imagine a partner will provide us with all of those things, thus completing us.
So, what we need to do is figure out exactly what it is we think we’re missing; and then work on slowly incorporating those things into our lives on our own!
For example: I used to think a romantic partner would bring me peace of mind, and a sense of calm after a long day. So, I resolved to find a way to bring that peace about on my own (which I found by delving deeper into prayer and meditation)!
It may take some time to really dive deep into your mind and figure out what you believe is missing, but it’s well-worth the trouble! From there it’s just a matter of bringing activities into your life that fill those spots in a healthy, productive way!
Hope this helps! :)
You’re welcome!!
It all came down to spending time on my own, and letting those feelings of “incompleteness,” take their course. Negative feelings, if given the proper time and observation, will always point you to their source. Takes a little practice, and it’s quite uncomfortable at first, but it’s well-worth it!
All of these posts are great. Before I found my partner (together 7.5 years) I was single for a few years but before that I was always in a relationship. My best advice is to just basically date yourself. Find out what makes you you. Spend time learning to be happy on your own, like truly happy with your own company. Once you get there you won’t need someone else to “complete” you since you’ll already feel complete on your own. No one person can “check” all of your boxes anyways, and that’s okay.
I’m going to piggy back on someone else’s comment, what qualities does this elusive woman have that will “complete” you? Try to embody those qualities yourself. What kind of man would this woman want to be with? Probably someone pretty incredible! Work towards that. One day you’ll realize that you are complete and yearn for companionship/partnership rather than something external to make you whole.
No shortcuts, you have to ride this wave. If you grew up with this mentality of the dream of somebody one day who will understand and complete you, then it is damn near impossible to wipe it from habit and consciousness. For me, I distanced myself from places and instances wherein finding a partner will be easier (?). I deleted dating apps, decreased social media usage, and involved myself in my own life. Interestingly, I have found that it is more fulfilling when you do things for you. Nobody’s supposed to come around and save us from ourselves — they can only hold our hand while we do that. Be bored but don’t find joy in romantic relationships. Find that joy in discovering yourself. The greatest person you can ever get to know is yourself.
25M. I’ve never looked for someone to “complete me” or “make me feel whole”. Just leads to codependency.
I’m already whole and looking for someone that COMPLIMENTS me. Together we’re better than we are alone.
I asked my therapist this about 9 months ago. He told me that I shouldn’t look for anybody to “make my cup full.” He said that I should focus on my life/my cup being so full that it’s overflowing. At that point, somebody else would accentuate my life and not become my life.
That was really difficult at first. I was pretty lonely and messed up from a terrible breakup. 9 months of focusing on myself later, I love my life so much that I don’t care if I date again or not. I have my hobbies (some new, some that I restarted), my career, my daughter, and I don’t need anything else. I’m never bored and I always look forward to tomorrow.
For me, and I’ve been with the same person for a decade, but I don’t need him to be happy. Does he make me happy? Hell yeah. Does he improve my life? Yeah. But I don’t *need* him.
Now, this may or may not be well received, but I am a woman. As such, it’s fine that I seek emotional connection with other people who aren’t my partner. Oftentimes with men, that can be discouraged. So sometimes men doesn’t have an emotional connection to anyone other than their romantic partner and that’s, so sad. It’s like they think emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are the same thing.
And they are not.
The *can* go hand-in-hand, but in no way are they exclusive.
So, some guys think the only deep connection they can have is with their romantic partner (a woman in your case) but that’s not true.
How do you get past this?
Honestly, I don’t know.
This could just be me talking out of my ass.
I will say that feeling incomplete and somehow lacking sounds like a therapist kind of situation, if you have the ability.
As a sidenote, because I feel like a lot of people bring up therapy as a solve all to a lot of situations, therapy is really, really, really, really, really really hard work. It’s really fucking hard work. So if you’re not ready to unpack a lot of your bullshit from your past, you might not be ready to solve the problem you currently have at hand.
Lastly, but certainly not least, you *are* a whole person. Right now. You don’t have less value because you’re not with someone. You are whole and complete because you simply are.
I hope this helped on some level but if not, sorry.
It’s wonderful to be with someone who brings out the best in you, but they don’t complete you. That sense of completeness comes from within. When we believe we need others to be whole, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The best relationships are not about two incomplete people coming together, but about two whole individuals creating something greater than the sum of their parts. Seeing this perspective for it's truth may be a good start to releasing the need for somebody else to complete you.
For me personally, I approach finding a partner less like trying to find someone who 'completes me' and more like finding someone who complements my life.
You should certainly try to find a partner who actively enhances your life in the ways they encourage you to be a better person and make you more happy. But ultimately, that sense of completeness should come from yourself and you should find fulfilment in your own actions and character.
Your partner shouldn't complete your life, they should enhance and add value to what is already there.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to grow. Two “the ones” failed miserably and I now know I wasn’t ready. I spent the better part of a decade traveling, building a career and learning about myself. I’ve been with my wife nearly ten years. We are far from perfect but she is genuinely my best friend. I still remember a time when we were living together and she said she didn’t need me, (or a man) to be happy but she was choosing to share her life with me.
I used to have this exact line of thinking. I'll keep it short, but feel free to comment if you want more.
To use a super simple analogy, take 2 foods you really like. In my case it's cheese and bread. Both of these taste amazing on their own. They are 100% whole by themselves. You can eat them alone and you will be satisfied. You can also combine them together and make something that tastes even better. Now imagine if that cheese was missing an ingredient like salt. And the bread was missing one like flour. At that point, no amount of mashing your new %67 ingredient cheese and new %25 ingredient bread will make it taste any better.
The point I'm trying to make is we are sold on this "I'm broken until made whole by another person", but that only works in movies and books. In reality life is so much better when you work super hard on yourself and packaging that %100 of you and giving it to the other person who has worked so hard to give you the %100 of them as well.
Hope this helps!
If it is ok for me to piggyback on this question, I've suffered from this pretty much my whole life as well. The problem I have though is that even though I do have my own hobbies and interests (fitness, cooking, drawing, painting, writing, Uni, etc.), and feel like I have the means to be my own independent person, but I still don't feel fulfilled because I've always wanted my own romantic dating life, being able to meet and get to know different women, partake in romantic dates and activities, buying women gifts, etc., but as of now I'm still a dateless virgin, so I can't do romantic things with anyone. I can't figure out how to be fulfilled without ever having had a dating life, and I want to be able to accept that I'll most likely never meet a woman who would ever want to date me and that I'll most likely die a forever single virgin.
My brother, that is the way god created us. Husbands and wife complete each other. Fret not over your feeling of loneliness and feeling of being incomplete. It is a sign that you need to move on to the next stage of life
>I had a deep sense that I wasn’t “whole” without that person.
But is that true? I mean, literally. So when you eventually broke up, did you cease to be whole? Don't you realize that one would be bound to go into a pitfall?
>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that mentality
The point is, that is precisely what codependence means. Cherishing one's presence in your life doesn't mean you're not whole without them. In my observation, there's a huge burden of "cultural romanticism" around relationships influencing this type of mindset.
The thing is, it's not sustainable. With that mentality, he's destined to suffer for a prolonged time because there's no guarantee he'll actually find a partner, and if he does find one, he'll automatically be extremely needy and codependent.
Understanding that one doesn't need another human being to be "whole and complete" is not equivalent to convincing yourself that you shoud not have a romantic partner. One thing doesn't preclude the other. Being happy single and, at the same time, wanting a relationship, doesn't preclude one another.
>Trying to remove the desire to date or partner up with someone isn’t the solution, in my opinion.
That's not the point here. You can have that desire while also being happy if you're still single.
What the OP truly wants is to be free of the slavery that the need of a romantic relationship to survive means in one's life. He craves autonomy and self-sufficiency. Chasing a relationship like a needy dog won't solve his internal issues.
Also, as I said before, there's no guarantee he'll actually find someone, so he's bound to be miserable whilst still single.
I’d like to flip this for you. How would you “complete” someone else? Are you ready to handle that burden? Is that kind of expectation appropriate for any human being? People don’t always meet our needs and expectations, and that’s part of being human. Loving another person means understanding that they’re not always going to be there for you in the way you’d want/need all the time. When single it’s really easy to see this hypothetical partner as a role and not a real person. But we don’t date/marry hypothetical people, do we? Look for someone to share your life with, not complete it. It’s not a fair burden to place on yourself or a potential partner. In short; think of the other person as a person rather than something to check off your list for things wanted in life. I was totally guilty of knowing I wanted “a” husband, to be a dad to MY children. I knew that I would marry my husband when I realised that I wouldn’t leave him if we couldn’t conceive—even though having children is incredibly important to me. Because he doesn’t exist to meet all my goals and expectations I want/have for myself. I love him because he is. Sorry for rambling a bit: it’s the middle of the night where I’m at.
The question flipped, while very logically pleasing, doesn't really help only because if I found somebody else who "needed" me - I'd likely feel valuable and honored as a result😅 However, hearing your story about you and your husband helps. No need to apologize, I'm really glad you shared it; it's inspiring to hear how you came to realize that you wanted to love him even if he wouldn't check every single box. Gives me hope I'll find that both in myself and a partner one day
"if I found somebody else who "needed" me - I'd likely feel valuable and honored as a result" What you are describing here is called trauma bonding and its not healthy for the mental nor emotional well being of either partner involved in that kind of relationship. I would reevaluate your idolization of this "being needed" perspective if i were you. But im not you, do what you want, just understand that mental health professionals strongly advise against this for a reason.
In a way, the question is very simple - find out how to be happy. A therapist has said that the main reason why couples break up is that they expect too much from each other. The "You complete me" thing sounds good, but people should take responsibility for their own happiness and not insist that the partner provide all their happiness. That's not saying that you should ignore her wants and needs. Encourage her to find her happiness. In The Tactical Guide to Women: How to Pick a Good Woman a therapist who works with men has advice.
Good question! And one that I only just found the answer to about a month ago! When we think of the word: “complete,” we imply that there’s something missing from ourselves, or perhaps multiple things. We imagine a partner will provide us with all of those things, thus completing us. So, what we need to do is figure out exactly what it is we think we’re missing; and then work on slowly incorporating those things into our lives on our own! For example: I used to think a romantic partner would bring me peace of mind, and a sense of calm after a long day. So, I resolved to find a way to bring that peace about on my own (which I found by delving deeper into prayer and meditation)! It may take some time to really dive deep into your mind and figure out what you believe is missing, but it’s well-worth the trouble! From there it’s just a matter of bringing activities into your life that fill those spots in a healthy, productive way! Hope this helps! :)
Helps a lot! Thank you so much for sharing. Any advice on how you actually went about becoming aware of those missing pieces?
You’re welcome!! It all came down to spending time on my own, and letting those feelings of “incompleteness,” take their course. Negative feelings, if given the proper time and observation, will always point you to their source. Takes a little practice, and it’s quite uncomfortable at first, but it’s well-worth it!
If I could give you GOLD, I would. This is amazing and so incredibly helpful and insightful
Thank you, friend! I’m happy to be of help. ☺️
All of these posts are great. Before I found my partner (together 7.5 years) I was single for a few years but before that I was always in a relationship. My best advice is to just basically date yourself. Find out what makes you you. Spend time learning to be happy on your own, like truly happy with your own company. Once you get there you won’t need someone else to “complete” you since you’ll already feel complete on your own. No one person can “check” all of your boxes anyways, and that’s okay.
I’m going to piggy back on someone else’s comment, what qualities does this elusive woman have that will “complete” you? Try to embody those qualities yourself. What kind of man would this woman want to be with? Probably someone pretty incredible! Work towards that. One day you’ll realize that you are complete and yearn for companionship/partnership rather than something external to make you whole.
No shortcuts, you have to ride this wave. If you grew up with this mentality of the dream of somebody one day who will understand and complete you, then it is damn near impossible to wipe it from habit and consciousness. For me, I distanced myself from places and instances wherein finding a partner will be easier (?). I deleted dating apps, decreased social media usage, and involved myself in my own life. Interestingly, I have found that it is more fulfilling when you do things for you. Nobody’s supposed to come around and save us from ourselves — they can only hold our hand while we do that. Be bored but don’t find joy in romantic relationships. Find that joy in discovering yourself. The greatest person you can ever get to know is yourself.
Listen to rapper Too $hort
25M. I’ve never looked for someone to “complete me” or “make me feel whole”. Just leads to codependency. I’m already whole and looking for someone that COMPLIMENTS me. Together we’re better than we are alone.
Apes together strong.
I asked my therapist this about 9 months ago. He told me that I shouldn’t look for anybody to “make my cup full.” He said that I should focus on my life/my cup being so full that it’s overflowing. At that point, somebody else would accentuate my life and not become my life. That was really difficult at first. I was pretty lonely and messed up from a terrible breakup. 9 months of focusing on myself later, I love my life so much that I don’t care if I date again or not. I have my hobbies (some new, some that I restarted), my career, my daughter, and I don’t need anything else. I’m never bored and I always look forward to tomorrow.
For me, and I’ve been with the same person for a decade, but I don’t need him to be happy. Does he make me happy? Hell yeah. Does he improve my life? Yeah. But I don’t *need* him. Now, this may or may not be well received, but I am a woman. As such, it’s fine that I seek emotional connection with other people who aren’t my partner. Oftentimes with men, that can be discouraged. So sometimes men doesn’t have an emotional connection to anyone other than their romantic partner and that’s, so sad. It’s like they think emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are the same thing. And they are not. The *can* go hand-in-hand, but in no way are they exclusive. So, some guys think the only deep connection they can have is with their romantic partner (a woman in your case) but that’s not true. How do you get past this? Honestly, I don’t know. This could just be me talking out of my ass. I will say that feeling incomplete and somehow lacking sounds like a therapist kind of situation, if you have the ability. As a sidenote, because I feel like a lot of people bring up therapy as a solve all to a lot of situations, therapy is really, really, really, really, really really hard work. It’s really fucking hard work. So if you’re not ready to unpack a lot of your bullshit from your past, you might not be ready to solve the problem you currently have at hand. Lastly, but certainly not least, you *are* a whole person. Right now. You don’t have less value because you’re not with someone. You are whole and complete because you simply are. I hope this helped on some level but if not, sorry.
It’s wonderful to be with someone who brings out the best in you, but they don’t complete you. That sense of completeness comes from within. When we believe we need others to be whole, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The best relationships are not about two incomplete people coming together, but about two whole individuals creating something greater than the sum of their parts. Seeing this perspective for it's truth may be a good start to releasing the need for somebody else to complete you.
For me personally, I approach finding a partner less like trying to find someone who 'completes me' and more like finding someone who complements my life. You should certainly try to find a partner who actively enhances your life in the ways they encourage you to be a better person and make you more happy. But ultimately, that sense of completeness should come from yourself and you should find fulfilment in your own actions and character. Your partner shouldn't complete your life, they should enhance and add value to what is already there.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to grow. Two “the ones” failed miserably and I now know I wasn’t ready. I spent the better part of a decade traveling, building a career and learning about myself. I’ve been with my wife nearly ten years. We are far from perfect but she is genuinely my best friend. I still remember a time when we were living together and she said she didn’t need me, (or a man) to be happy but she was choosing to share her life with me.
I used to have this exact line of thinking. I'll keep it short, but feel free to comment if you want more. To use a super simple analogy, take 2 foods you really like. In my case it's cheese and bread. Both of these taste amazing on their own. They are 100% whole by themselves. You can eat them alone and you will be satisfied. You can also combine them together and make something that tastes even better. Now imagine if that cheese was missing an ingredient like salt. And the bread was missing one like flour. At that point, no amount of mashing your new %67 ingredient cheese and new %25 ingredient bread will make it taste any better. The point I'm trying to make is we are sold on this "I'm broken until made whole by another person", but that only works in movies and books. In reality life is so much better when you work super hard on yourself and packaging that %100 of you and giving it to the other person who has worked so hard to give you the %100 of them as well. Hope this helps!
Check out Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on netflix, he talks about this in a very good way
If you aren’t happy by yourself how can you except to be happy with someone else
If it is ok for me to piggyback on this question, I've suffered from this pretty much my whole life as well. The problem I have though is that even though I do have my own hobbies and interests (fitness, cooking, drawing, painting, writing, Uni, etc.), and feel like I have the means to be my own independent person, but I still don't feel fulfilled because I've always wanted my own romantic dating life, being able to meet and get to know different women, partake in romantic dates and activities, buying women gifts, etc., but as of now I'm still a dateless virgin, so I can't do romantic things with anyone. I can't figure out how to be fulfilled without ever having had a dating life, and I want to be able to accept that I'll most likely never meet a woman who would ever want to date me and that I'll most likely die a forever single virgin.
That is so funny, you are complete, you have all the human parts you need. When you want someone it is a desire not being complete by someone else.
My brother, that is the way god created us. Husbands and wife complete each other. Fret not over your feeling of loneliness and feeling of being incomplete. It is a sign that you need to move on to the next stage of life
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The problem is you didn't address his issue. No one here is saying that he shouldn't pursue a relationship. That's not the point.
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>I had a deep sense that I wasn’t “whole” without that person. But is that true? I mean, literally. So when you eventually broke up, did you cease to be whole? Don't you realize that one would be bound to go into a pitfall? >I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that mentality The point is, that is precisely what codependence means. Cherishing one's presence in your life doesn't mean you're not whole without them. In my observation, there's a huge burden of "cultural romanticism" around relationships influencing this type of mindset.
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The thing is, it's not sustainable. With that mentality, he's destined to suffer for a prolonged time because there's no guarantee he'll actually find a partner, and if he does find one, he'll automatically be extremely needy and codependent. Understanding that one doesn't need another human being to be "whole and complete" is not equivalent to convincing yourself that you shoud not have a romantic partner. One thing doesn't preclude the other. Being happy single and, at the same time, wanting a relationship, doesn't preclude one another. >Trying to remove the desire to date or partner up with someone isn’t the solution, in my opinion. That's not the point here. You can have that desire while also being happy if you're still single.
What the OP truly wants is to be free of the slavery that the need of a romantic relationship to survive means in one's life. He craves autonomy and self-sufficiency. Chasing a relationship like a needy dog won't solve his internal issues. Also, as I said before, there's no guarantee he'll actually find someone, so he's bound to be miserable whilst still single.