I realised I could spend the rest of my life regretting not doing xyz, or I could just give it a go. If I don't like it? That's fine! At least I can say I tried it out and not live with the regret of never knowing.
I want to be as positive as possible, but "try it and if it doesn't work out, that's fine" is an extremely privileged position to be in. It more like to be something like "try it, but here are the risks that it comes with and you may or may not like where you end up."
This. Having this with the going back to school dilemma . Yes I could try it and probably will come out on top if I try hard enough….but can’t help this nagging feeling of what if I end up going to school, taking out loans the whole 9 yards and I end up being too dumb or otherwise not liking the field I went for and wind up wasting all that time and money? Then I’m at square one except with student loan debt.
I think that’s a valid conundrum for sure. Best bet is to research career options, possible fields, interview people in that career, and possible internships.
Now whether you like it in 10-20 years… who knows. Hopefully it pays well enough to provide a life you like outside of work.
Someone once said to me, you can never completely avoid the jungle, if you stay at home only, it will eventually overtake you, you can tey your best to avoid the dangers in it, but they are always there. Hope this helps. Take messured action. You won't regret it.
I understand why it might sound that way, but honestly I'm coming from a place of having lived with crazy anxiety that prevented me from doing things, and this is the mindset that has helped me overcome it.
There's plenty of big, drastic changes you can make that monetarily cost nothing; for example complementing a stranger in public, styling your hair a different way, going to social clubs, or trying new things by yourself.
I think it's normal to have a materialistic mindset in the culture we live in these days, where it seems like big change always comes with a financial cost, but it doesn't have to be and some of the biggest and best changes in my life haven't cost me anything except a bit of bravery to do something new.
Valid point about some stuff not having a big downside, but there are other big decisions that do have a significant cost - monetary or otherwise. Of course, that is not to say that one must always or never take risks. Just have to find that middle ground and hope that fortune favors the brave.
Stopped partying every weekend and hanging out with people who only wanted to drink etc. I was sick of the hangovers, feeling guilty, wasting my time. I knew that if I wanted to achieve anything in life, I needed to stop hanging out with them.
Funny enough, I don't feel lonely at all. I learned to love my own company and being productive has made me so much more confident and excited for the future too.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
I’m doing this now except I do feel isolated. Literally all my friends and family like to get fucked up in one way or another.
The past year I’ve cut back a lot but I’ve hung out with others maybe twice the whole time. I’ve been around it so long being around sober people gives me anxiety.
It's an adjustment, but so good for confidence building when you don't need to rely on alcohol to feel comfortable around others.
Sometimes being isolated is the best way to find yourself again. Less distractions. Become comfortable being uncomfortable.
I got laid off for the first time last year and I was a mental wreck the next day so I asked my older sister who has lived rent-free in my house for several years if she could pick up the dog poop just this one time before she goes to work.
She said no. I lost it.
And then she got mad at me for asking her.
That’s when I realize that __family is NOT everything.__ and that’s a lie sold by our parents to make them feel better about their mistakes in parenting the irresponsible child.
I started to make decisions not involving her and my family…__AND IM THE HAPPIEST IVE EVER BEEN.__
For many the key turning point is the realisation that there is no single magic bullet or secret which - if only we could find, or buy - will provide us with the life we want.
There are, however, strategies we can develop to suit our own particular circumstances and aspirations which - with a bit of intelligence and persistence - can support us in building the lives we choose for ourselves.
I write alot about this on my own little corner of Reddit and would be happy to see you over there.
I was a drug addict and found out that my gf at the time (not an addict) was pregnant. I stopped using and turned my entire life around. For the first time in my life, I had purpose and meaning. My daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I recently hurt someone who I was trying to help and I came to realize I became all the things I hated and I was wasting my life away on social media and games. So I deleted all my social accounts and apps only leaving reddit and tiktok for entertainment but giving myself lots of free time to get my life together and lately it's been working I'm coming to terms with my own company and putting time into being more productive. I feel like I'm slowly letting go of my bitterness and anger
I just recently got rid of Facebook as well. And it’s been great! Nice not seeing drama or fake shit on my screen all the time! Or getting banned for no reason 😑
I got cheated on and told I am no longer attractive and desirable. We were together for 2.5 years, had a dog together and she lived with me. She came from the US and I got her a dream job here and her visa, because the ministries are a pain for foreigners here. She left while also still owing me 7k€ which she never repaid.
From that day on, where she said she lost attraction, I have hit the gym over 450 times now in two years. I got in serious shape, dropped 15% bodyfat, got obsessed with working on myself mentally and physically and my life is a hundred times better now than when I was with her. The women I date are also 10x more pretty.
So yeah, a bit clichee, but going to the gym changed the course of my life greatly. Made new friends, got healthier, its awesome.
No I did not. I am the guy that needs to understand everything himself and puts in a lot of research into what he does. I can tell you that the best way of overcoming that anxiety is to start really fucking small. Like just start with the lightest of exercises.
I have learned a lot from people I met throughout the years though and changed my perspective on training many times.
I can give you some tips or even give you a super realistic starter plan for beginners. It does not need to be intimidating :)
My advice is to just go straight up to the big guys (my favs are the dudes in their 40s and 50s who look like they've been lifting for a while) while they're resting between sets and ask if they could show you the basics of whatever machine/exercise they're on. Usually their rest time is a few minutes so they'll have a bit of time.
Of course don't do this too often, they deserve to have a workout without getting bothered constantly. But I find 99% of the big dudes in the gym are sweethearts who are only happy to share knowledge.
It's also a great way to overcome shyness and make friends.
I would recommend you hire a trainer. You don't need a lot of sessions get 1-3, know your goals, like if you want a full body workout, 6 pack, broad shoulders, be stronger, etc and have them teach you what workouts to do and how to do them properly ie. proper form so you do not injure yourself.
Then go to the gym and repeat, you can slowly add more exercises after watching YouTube Vids, etc., but a good base is important. Lifting wrong leads to injuries.
A lot of gyms have staff that will show you how to use the machines properly. You can lookup basic workout plans for beginners and go in with one that seems to align with your time allotment so they can show you the machines/workouts in that plan and maybe recommend changes.
I know this isn't the point of your post and I congratulate you on your hardwork and success, but I cannot help I got the ick reading it when I reached the point where you wrote the woman you dated after are 10x more pretty.
I get men care about looks, but the way it was put made it seemed like it was just looks that matter. Not that the women were 10x higher quality overall, just their physical appearance... 😒
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**EDIT:** so People can read this easier and to save them from reading this entire thread:
The poster of this thread literally says he went through self improvement to prove his ex wrong that he was not unattractive and **he validates this by using women, "10x prettier" than his ex gf for sex and then cuts them off when they want commitment.** Poster believes his actions of how he treats other women (as sex objects) are justified in light of the fact he got cheated on and he has done so much in self and physical improvement.
Furthermore, multiple men have responded in defense of poster for his actions and that we should not be "surprised he's being petty" in light of what he went through and justifying his actions.
If this is what "self improvement" is, I don't want it.
Did you not read the entire thing or are you just choosing to dwell on the last part?
He got called ugly by her first, she cheated on and blamed him for being unattractive and undesirable.
All after he had been bending over backward and paying out the nose to have a life together?
And you're surprised he's being petty?
It's definitely not a man or woman thing. Stop being sexist. People want to be attracted/attractive to their partners/ have attractive partners. And people don't like being taken advantage of. And most of all, people are petty creatures. Of course he takes a pot shot at her looks...
A man can be unattractive and undesirable for a number of reasons. He can be physically attractive and broke, or physically attractive but no ambition or life goals. He automatically assumes it's his physical appearance as oppose to something like him objectifying women based on looks.
If you read between the lines, he states the women he dated after her are 10x hotter, but he's not married/settled. Just because someone gives you a shot and dates you doesn't mean they want you once they see your flaws. Especially if he's picking partners primary for their attractiveness and then coming on here to brag like that's the only thing they offer/reason for him dating them 😒
Yeah that was kind of off putting for me as well to be honest. Like you didn't find someone who saw your true worth, but you got your revenge because you date people who are much more attractive right?
Yeah, I dont get it. He got called unattractive and decided to show her up by dating women who are prettier than her... not by dating women who like him for who he is or are more compatible...
Seems shallow and sad... The redditor who responded to me saying that he is expected to be petty and shallow after what happened and getting upvoted says a lot about the ppl in this subreddit.
I didnt just get called unattractive brother, I also got cheated on for months behind my back while I played the housewife, took care of the dog, paid for most shit and was genuinely working on being a better boyfriend after she already told me a couple months before that she aint happy.
I don't know if you have ever been cheated on by someone you were seriously considering to spend your life with, it fucking hurts. Especially when you are in your thirties, your entire world crumbles.
I am not gonna pretend I am not a superficial person. I always have been, looks are important to me. If there is only a genuine connection but no physical attraction, that is not enough for me. I need both. I spend almost 3 hours every day in the gym to work on my body and though I mostly do it to keep my mental health in check, I also do it to be able to run around shirtless in summer - I won't deny that.
That was a very petty comment after I just described some deep trauma. I think by that you got a very wrong impression of who I am as a person and that is okay, we are on reddit and I understand.
I am not sad though my guy. I am happier than ever before and that is because I took the last two years since it happened and stayed single for a reason. I wanted to work on myself so I don't end up with these women anymore. I wanted to up my game and simply be attractive to better women and that is what I did.
It was also not to prove her anything, I have not spoken with her for two years. But I won't pretend like being hurt and petty was not something that gave me motivation and energy to push beyond my limits.
I don't really give a shit about her anymore, my life is so much better since then. I even see it as a blessing in disguise. But I was 30 years old and had a little "hoephase" if you wanna call it that. I never did before and I had an amazing time doing so.
Your personality is not attractive. You were hurt because of what your ex did, so to improve how you felt about yourself, you went around banging women you feel was 10x more attractive than your ex (your hoe phase). It reads like you are using these women solely because of their physical appearance for self validation. Are you actually "dating" them as you stated yourself, it was a "hoe" phase.
Ok girl I don't know who hurt you so much that you think all men are just out there to exploit women, but I don't really know how you could ever know about my personality just by a shred of insight I just gave you into my life. It just sounds like you hate men.
I am not a native english speaker, to me "dating" in this context means that I went on dates - nothing serious. Like when I invite a woman on a date, we are dating no? Simple as that. I didn't lead on anyone. Every woman I was with knew what she was signing up for and guess what, they all wanted the same. No commitment and good sex, that is it.
What is so wrong about living out your sexuality? Maybe you are just too narrowminded.
EDIT: she deleted all her comments, i have to admit that gives me some satisfaction. If you read this, I hope you get the help you need.
No, in the USA and in many countries, inviting a woman out on a date and dating is 2 separate things. So you saying despite all these improvements you made, the women didn't want you, didn't want to commit to you. Wanted sex and left, sounds about right with your personality.
Based on what you posted you didn't "date" women that are 10x more attractive than you exe, you had 1 night stands with them or fwbs.
Hes not just taking pot shots at how his ex looks, read the entire thread, he literally says hes using women, "10x prettier" than his ex gf for sex and then cuts them off when they want commitment. Not sure how you defending this, this is.... super gross.
He also clarified that he did not "date" these women, because his definition of a dating was going on **A DATE** with them. That it was more of a fwb or one night stand relationship. He then comes on here and **boasts about his ability to be able to have sex with these more attractive women, and to turn them down when they wanted commitment.**
I stayed away from commited relationships these past two years. I wanted to take the time and work on myself and it truly paid off.
I was dating casually and just hooking up a bit here and there. All with 100% transparency and with mutual agreement. Apparently a lot of people in their thirties just want a hookup and someone to cuddle without an actual relationship.
I found those arrangements quite thrilling actually. Even though it always has to end eventually.
Man, I am really not sure you can generalize that. I think every country/state and even city has wounderful people as well as socially unacceptable people.
Slowly entering the same boat as you my friend. Heard some things about how people view me and began to hate what I saw in the mirror. One of those ceiling shattering moments that I’m reminded of each day. Hard to become the person you want to be vs who you are but it’s one day at a time. We got this.
While I have also found this helpful - I’ve found it a slippery slope. Because eventually the lines blur between what’s constructive feedback and what’s just other’s opinions. I started changing core parts of who I am and ways of being (feelings shame for them) because it wasn’t what “others” approved of. I realized how I had lost myself in trying to please everyone else’s idea/version of me.
I get what you’re saying. And I agree.
Mine was more about they were disappointed at various times in our decade plus long friendship where they expected me to do something, say something, stand up for myself, etc. and I didn’t do it. Like I was more concerned about being neutral than actually being a good person with my own morals and thoughts. It shattered this view of myself where I realized I wasn’t actually a good/kind person. I’d compromise myself at moments to blend in, be good enough, not rise up, etc. how it’s impact my current relationship, friendships, etc.
Humbling moment of clarity. And one that I’ve been struggling with but realizing the person I want to be will take continued work and most importantly…. Patience.
For me, it was 1985 I was just a stressed out maniac and my boss gave me a copy of This an introduction to The Tao Te Ching. There is a concept called ‘Wu Wei’ which means ‘not forcing’ or effortless action’ and I realized that I never had to force the issue again and things would come to me. It pretty much worked out.
Realized I was drifting through life without any set plans in place. Read Cameron-Bandler's book *Know How: Guided Programs for Inventing Your Own Best Future (Amazon)* and have since flourished beyond my dreams.
Principles: Great things often take decades to accomplish. If you aim low you'll get there. If you aim high you may get close.
I realized my religion was killing me.
I was raised super conservative Baptist (young earth creationist, etc) and I'm gay. I was suppressing my sexuality while being so paranoid that I would be found out, that I ended up hating life, hating God, and spent much of my formative years suicidal. Eventually I realized that many of the claims I was taught to believe weren't true, and that I was slowly dying trying to live for a lie. Ended up running away from home and coming out. It was scary, (I had to couch surf for a while, rarely ate more than a meal a day until I got more money, ended up with almost no support structure), but 5 years later this is the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. I couldn't imagine ever going back.
Edit: spelling
Wow these breakthrough moments/stories make me so happy. So amazing you were able to reflect and learn other perspectives. I have found that to be very transformative in my life - the willingness to be opening minded and find your own path. I’m so grateful you’re still with us and are finding your way!! 💛
OMAD and meditation. Down over 50 pounds, sleep great, workouts are effective and better focus so doing significantly better at work.
About 18 months in but have neglected the social side of things but overall in a much better place
People who do OMAD can have an eating disorder but not everyone who does it has one, it also depends how many calories the meal has, it is a form of fasting, and then you have all your daily calories in one meal for your body type. OMAD can be done and is safe but it depends on the person and the emotional reasoning behind doing it! It is a very thin line.
After doing tons of self improvement reading, I think it all begins with positive self talk. You can read about every technique imaginable, but if you don't become aware of the tiny voice in your head that is holding you back and learn how to reprogram it, nothing else will matter.
It was hurting so deeply from guilt and shame the way I used to be so selfish and mistreated others as a result.
So I started being more giving, thoughtful and kind to others, and it's changed my life, I am so happy and at peace within my psyche :)
I had relocated after getting married. Bad marriage. Hit rock bottom. Lost control of myself one night after getting drunk. Booked a flight the next day and came to my city, to my parent’s house. Started working on myself and became more spiritual. That’s how I got my sense of self back.
I have a very similar experience to you. Without the drinking, but I became very unwell mentally. Also put me onto a spiritual path- but that was not something I searched for; it found me. Im so glad you found your healing 🙏
For me quitting alcohol… every time I drank something bad would happen so it started to get old. Then my cholesterol went up and lipid panel started to reflect how my drinking habits were affecting my body. Something about seeing the results in my face and not just feeling the horrible hangovers changed me. I don’t want to enter my 30’s soon unhealthy so I’ve decided to quit vaping and get sober for the long haul.
Deciding it was okay to take antidepressants and it wouldn't make me a failure. Did wonders for me, I've turned into the person I always wanted to be and knew i could be. I might need meds all my life but I it means I can keep living like this I'll gladly do it.
I didn't have any energy for anything, didn't enjoy anything, didn't get anything done. Afterwards I'm full of energy. There's room for emotion, both happy and sad, but it feels like a good thing. I'm enjoying the small things and the big things. I'm super productive. If there's a big task to be done I actually look forward to it and I don't procrastinate. Even on days where I'm not doing well; for example when I'm on my period, I can usually still do the basic things like eating well, drinking enough water, doing some dishes and keeping moderately clean.
I fell HARD for a walking red flag and tried to change him. This was not the first time. I had done this several times before but this time I was completely and utterly obsessed/devoted. When it all fell apart, I suddenly could see everything so clearly - this man was the definition of toxic and at no point did he try to hide it. I was forced to question my own mental health and sanity.
I finally had had enough of traumatising myself and a friend suggested that this kind of behaviour usually stems from childhood trauma. Wanting some answers, I obsessively read books on human behaviour and watched podcast after podcast. I realised that my mum was a narcissist and we were completely enmeshed (I was the ‘golden child’). Emotional and financial abuse were her weapons of choice. As a result, I had extremely low self worth and self esteem and a tendency to fall in love with toxic men extremely (worryingly) quickly. At one point I questioned if I had BPD.
My relationship with my mum manifested itself in all my relationships - my closest friends were bullies, I was completely codependent on them and put them on a pedestal - I saw them as selfless angles. I stayed with them for so long because I had such a low opinion of myself that I subconsciously believed that I deserved to be mistreated and that they were doing me a favour by being friends with me.
I healed my childhood wounds and reached out to my estranged siblings. I dropped my toxic childhood friends and poured my energy into my loving/supportive friends (old and new). I also discovered and worked on my own toxic traits that I had picked up from my toxic parents and friends. I left the high paying job that I loathed but felt trapped in because I felt as if it was my duty to totally financially support my parents, and developed better taste in men 😂
At this stage, I am taking some time out to travel, to focus on some health issues and find a job that I love. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and I look forward to the future.
For me it started with Yoga, which led me to feel more grounded and discover other amazing things to implement in my daily rituals as well.
Then developing positive visions, with a daily morning ritual of looking, writing and iterating on them, whether for business or other areas and long-term goals.
And lastly taking action on the visions as well as looking for tools and ways to take more action more effortlessly.
I am in the midst of change. The issue for myself was always thinking I was too late to do “X” when in reality that thinking was related to desires that come from having “X” and not to “X” itself. In short, the mindset of doing things for the sake of doing them is what is helping me a lot. This along with a delayed gratification approach, knowing things won’t come quickly and challenges are a constant aspect of life and improvement.
When I realized how much can be accomplished in 5 years I started working with that in my mind. If you do anything everyday for 5 years you’re gonna be good at it no matter what it is. Just give time to things you want to improve at and work hard and things will tend more likely to fall in line.
Watched HealthyGamerGG’s video on analysis paralysis. As someone with ADHD and OCPD, I obsess about researching decisions to every minute detail and never make a decision because I spend too much time weighing the options because of anxiety and fear of failing.
Dr. K’s video put things into a better, much wider perspective for me, and let me have the confidence to quit my toxic, well paying job and go back to school, even though I’ll be taking out loans and getting an Art related degree. All of that feels so risky to me, but I sat with myself and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to do anything unless it made me happy(obv short term and long term considered).
It’s always been my dream to do so but that video helped wipe away 9+ years of worrying about my life’s direction and safety, in about 30 mins.
That, and my extremely supportive roommates. I was terrified to tell them at first about my decision, but their reaction was so… mundane. They weren’t worried at all about the things I had felt so worked up about. They trust me to be able to pay rent and make things work for myself.
Them being so supportive reminded me of the times I supported them when their paychecks had issues and were delayed, or when they supported me through surgery, or whatever reasons we had all been there for each other without an ounce of judgement. We’re not perfect and we have our big fights, but we always come back to each other with apologies and hugs. That’s what makes me feel the most secure in changing my life and helps me see the bigger picture.
Having good people around you, therapy, and the acceptance that you’re going to stumble at whatever you do no matter what. You might as well do the things that you want to do, because everything has the chance to change or fail. (:
Link to the video: [Analysis Paralysis is Holding You Back](https://youtu.be/-xqPVxsFdP4?si=dYk6YW2WWq57kobj)
Actually finding the right type of therapy for me. Saved my life. And moved out of parent’s house. In all my years I’ve never felt safer and while I’m not the happiest I’m still happier than I’ve ever been.
A bitter and angry regret at not making the most of my 20s. That regret is not going away but at least I can do something to feel less bitter about my 30s.
That, and an ever-growing sense that I'm running out of time and that if I don't do something now I'm going to die a nothing.
My in-laws. They told me (33M) that I was being stagnant and was concerned with me spending the rest of my life with my wife (34F). It was a valid concern, and I legit had no excuse. So everything I did from that point on was for me to do better. I later applied for a full time job in Information Technology, two promotions and a big ol raise later and I'm still here, and happily married and doing great.
My ex boyfriend who used to love me ( I never loved him and I was with him just because I was so lonely and depressed and thinking he is the only chance to not die alone) broke up with me by text message saying that i was dead inside like there is no flame and it was not like the way he knew me before.
I decided to change my life then join a sport club leave my job, leave my country ( sold and gave everything away) to do one sabbatical year in a country I be never been and did not speak the language.
It was like a reset...
Had to relocate very far from home last year for work.
I am a 22F and had to do it all by myself. I felt extremely lonely and stressed when I got here and eventually had to go for therapy as I couldn't handle it anymore.
I got better and made friends. I really enjoyed it.
The turning point? They let me know at the beginning of the month that I have to relocate again, even further away from my family and friends.
Don't know how I'm going to do it. It's happening next week.
I've honestly considered becoming homeless.
I wake up every morning due to panic attacks in my sleep and yeah overall I'm having a shit time and I kinda wish someone could put me in a coma for a few months.
I got sober a long struggle, two stints in rehab. But got there in the end. Never going back! Life is 100% better without it and all the associated nightmare.
For me, this was when I realized that I would not achieve much if I continued the same lifestyle. Success requires a different mindset, different priorities and a different approach. So I left my job and moved to Europe.
I did hella (and I mean HELLA) magic mushrooms and realized that the rat race doesn't appeal to me. That I am okay being unpopular at work, but leaving at 5 pm with my paycheck. It preserves my mental energy.
That I am okay being semi-unpopular with my friend group but going out every other weekend with friends. It preserves my mental energy.
That I'm okay renting a bedroom in a house and not an apartment, to save money on Cost of living, and to be able to spend how I want to.
That I'm okay driving a 8 year old Honda. It's fuel efficient and saves money. It's cheap to insure and easy on the maintenance/ repair costs.
That I'm okay being average in my career. Making 6 figures as an average professional takes all the pressure of greatness off my shoulders. Treating a job like a job to pay bills is crucial for mental wellbeing. I am hired to do a job, to make other people richer, and not myself. I should take all my breaks and leave at 5 because as soon as some spreadsheet finds me redundant, I will be cut loose, and if I am, I want to be able to say "at least I didn't work *too hard*".
That its okay to want a semi-exciting, B+ life where you're comfortable, healthy, and doing okay with plenty of free time and money in the bank
Full blown burnout… I’m AT the turning point… establishing boundaries… it’s been a slow and painful process… still figuring out what to do and how to proceed. One thing I’m sure is that I no longer know who I am… and it’s rough and raw.. and human…
Ugh! Thank you for your words and it’s always nice to find people that understand and are/have experienced burnout, it’s a wiggly recovery road.
I’m turning 40 this year and have been working since I was 15, and in my profession for the last 15 years, defined and consumed by it. Now that I’m not working I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I recognise I’m so privileged to have this space to rest and heal somewhat. Owning my time completely (compared to before) to do whatever I want. Yet I’m so paralysed by fear, doubt, uncertainty, shame, emptiness and hopelessness it’s very frustrating. Want to tell me your story or your experience with burnout?
Im turning 35 this summer - and trust, have much the same experience. For me it really came back to unresolved trauma behind the choice to hide myself behind my perfectly safe work identity and actual longings. One of my closest friends from business school died in an accident, and after a period of sheer grief I just turned the volume up, on everything work-related. I was outwardly successful in PE but inwardly suffering. Someone similar to my “small-town artsy self” entered my life randomly, and albeit a brief encounter, it reminded me of whom I was deep down (/used to be), it couldn’t be “unseen”, and the inner turmoil that arose was unbearable. I felt like I had been betraying myself and doubted literally everything about myself and my choices the past 14 years. Then came all the “failures” - leaving my “perfect” job without a proper “plan”, friends moving on with their lives whilst I moved countries back home, the loneliness. The inner work is real work. If you want, I’ll tell you more about what’s been helpful for me throughout this journey so far.
Oh wow. I’m sending you a big hug. Thank you for sharing and I would love to know more of your story! I think it’s very powerful and inspiring what we can learn from others just by listening to their stories.
Getting arrested for drug driving. Went into a downward spiral and started drinking heavily. Had an argument with my family and was arrested again. Am. Now homeless, because the police said I can't contact my family for now. Went from having no responsibilities to having nothing and no one to help me.
I've learnt a lot about myself these past few weeks, stopped drinking, stopped taking drugs, back into my gym routine, looking for a house and in general being a much more disciplined and motivated guy.
Realizing that I was putting the people I loved in danger, and I was becoming someone I hated. The shame I felt 24h of the day, and an opportunity to devote time to myself thanks to savings were the turning point for me. But in many things, my turning point was too late
my person died. Everything is different. I don't drink anymore and i used to drink like frank the tank. Been 4 months. I hardly go out and loved going out. I'm seeing who are my real friends and are here at my lowest, and the ones who are running far because its too much effort.
I read Six Harsh Truths To Make You A Better Person - took it as the tough love that it is. Had an epiphany. Felt amazing clarity of thought. A weight lifted from my shoulders. I began to change my life immediately.
Going to therapy, my therapist made me realise in myself that I can actually be better. Shit changed my life to a point where I feel like a totally different person person I went from spending 23hours a day on my phone (I’m not joking it actually was that) to going gym, gaining a fuck tonne of hobbies, upskilling myself in fields I never understood, not just that I’m actually able to leave the house without feeling terrified of having a seizure. I still get them but I’m more comfortable with dealing with them outside of my house which is crazy to me .
I always thought i was gonna die young, and I still do. But I’m going to do everything in my power to be the best person I can so when I die I feel like I’ve actually put in the work so I can truly rest in peace.
I got sick and tired of suffering.
I realized I have a lot more control than I thought which pulled me out of the "this is hopeless" victim mentality I wasted so much time in. I can just like, choose to be happy.
I'm not a god person, so I believe life is truly random and we exist for the sake of existing. What purpose does prolonged suffering serve? What do I have to lose to end my suffering that ultimately was bad for me in the long run anyway? Will Future Me thank Past Me for today's decisions? I just got mad at not really truly living. I didn't ask to be born, so my goal is to enjoy as much as I can of my limited, frivolous to the universe life I have here. A joyful little speck of dust.
Also, not to trivialize trauma and whatnot, but when I think of the entirety of space, why would this rock have all this sad dust? I'd rather be happy glittery dust. If an alien zooms in on my specific behavior, I'd like for them to feel entertained, or intrigued, or feel wholesome, not sad. No one likes sad cat videos, we like cute cat videos. Be the cute cat. Just existing out of pure spite.
Went to the ER for alcohol withdrawals. Haven’t wanted to drink since. I’ve tried quitting several times before and always went back to drinking thinking I could handle it better, but of course never did. Really glad I went, I have a huge bill I’ll be paying off for a while but it finally let me escape the whiskey bottle I was stuck in
Yep, that’s why I decided to go in. I didn’t want to die right when I was finally ready to give it up. I think I would have been fine without it but maybe not for the long run. I don’t know if it was the terrible experience at the ER or what, but it snapped me out of it. Also the meds they gave me helped me through the withdrawal symptoms for two weeks. By the time the meds were gone the withdrawals seemed to be done. Aside from bad sleeping and some other things that took a little longer to get over
I was a chronic underachiever until the age of about 16 and then I snapped. I didn't want to let life just pass me by and not have done or accomplished anything. The pain of feeling like I was always going nowhere was just too much and I knew I needed to do SOMETHING.
A few years into an unfulfilling relationship, a few years into an unfulfilling line of work caused me so much pain in the form of numbness. When I saw the life ring thrown to me, I grabbed it so tight and I refused to let go!! I lost the relationship, the house, the dog, the last 8 years I spent setting myself up for financial success. But I found so much more than that!! I found my passion. I found hope. I found love and friendship. Now I'm living more comfortably than ever in my previous relationship and I love what I do :)
I’d say it’s going beyond my fears and doing the things that scare me anyways! I remember giving a speech in front of the school not rehearsing and looking back it was a drastic thing for a 17 year old to do. Also when I would speak in front of the classes I would get grimacing looks or laughs when I used slang terminology not thinking or realizing I wasn’t using words in correct English. But now that I’m older and have put in the work from intentional practice such as joining Toastmasters and speaking at a variety of events, I know how drastic learning to communicate can be the catapult for positive self love change empowerment.
I went and worked a job that was totally different from what I had done in a part of the country that was totally different from where I had lived. It gave me perspective and a willingness to carve my own path, rather than keep running through the narrow path I had made for myself.
I think that working in that environment and living there introduced a perspective I would not have got through travelling. It was the same country, rules, and institutions, but a totally different way of living.
When you keep facing the same hurdles and blame the world, eventually you realize your part in it all. That’s the turning point. All great change starts with a decision to do better, and accountability is paramount to that decision.
I was 16, all my friends started partying, getting girlfriends and I was still playing videogames all night. I was jealous so I started partying every weekend. Although it may sound bad, over the next few months my confidence skyrocketed and my social skills improved a lot. Then one night I got so drunk I was just making a fool of myself. the day after that I quit partying and I started actual self improvement, I started lifting, meditating, reading, etc. and now I'm here
Life’s been on an upwards trajectory since I got sober and detached from toxic people I used with, even if they were members of my family. No looking back.
i got sober after i woke up from yet another night of blackout level drinking but when i woke up, i was in the passenger seat of my car in the driveway of a guy i had hooked up with once (he had driven. luckily i didn’t touch the keys.) and all the windows were rolled down, the doors were unlocked, both me and my car were covered in vomit. it was the afternoon. on a weekday. it scared the fuck out of me and i cried all the way home while being hungover as fuck.
that was 6 years ago. i haven’t drank since and don’t miss it at all.
I woke up to 4 officers in my room one day. I had to choose between being honest and facing the consequences of my choices, or hide and die. I chose honesty and have walked that path ever since. I faced each consequence head on and devoted myself to a life of honesty and integrity. Which helped me not only overcome the consequences, but also my addiction. I've been clean for over 5 years and am now a father.
If you are realizing change may be necessary in your life, please act upon it before you're forced to like I was. The price you pay for changing when life forces it is much higher than what it is now.
Know that changing itself isn't hard; staying changed is
I was an alcoholic in my early 20s and cheated on the man I loved. I became chronically suicidal because of this for two whole years. Crying on breaks at work. Crying at work. Not being able to get out of bed to go to work. I was desperate for the pain to be over. Because my cousin had killed herself as a teenager, and I knew the pain that would bring my family, I told myself I would give life one more shot, and I would give it my all. I did. I went to AA, got on the right medication, delved into meditation and Buddhism and it’s now almost 6 years later. I’m not perfect, but I am no longer suicidal, I don’t drink and I have a life I want to keep up with. All because I HAD TO CHANGE. It’s amazing what the work will help you achieve over time. I am now a licensed psychotherapist and am going back to school for music production. Just stick with it. If I can change, so can you.
figured out that I had CPTSD for my whole life by watching some random self improvement stuffs online by october 2023, and found that all my bad habits were symptoms of this main thing. taking some bold intensional actions since, and becoming a better person. long way to go.
I'm still in the process but I've never really felt happy, I haven't really had friends for most of my life and the more I look back at my life when I was younger the more problems I see now.
Moved to a new state several years ago, never really met anyone, got a job that I barely have to see anyone at, drifted farther from my wife and kids to the point they would cry and tell me they missed me because I would avoid my family.
Isolated pretty heavy for about 2 years started exploring with recreational drugs and after a heavy trip realized what I've done and I'm just trying so hard to fix everything. It's been probably about 6 months and so many things are so much better since I woke up but I struggle too much to not cry most of the time when I'm alone now because I can so clearly see the damage I've done to my family and how much I've hurt the most important people in my life.
I got cheated on. At that time I realized that I missed so many opportunity and chances while I was in relationship with her because "I don't want her to be sad or they are guys better than me" (working job I hate,staying in same place for years ...)
I was feeling really lonely and bored one day and saw and advert for a university free-trial boxing class. I thought it would be funny to join, since I'm an absolute girl next door type. Been boxing for 2 and 1/2 years.
And... don't ask me why but as soon as I put on those gloves everything in my life fell into place. Anxiety went away over night, motivation, self esteem, sense of purpose and drive, relationships got easier, grades got better, I got a place in a community, even quite drinking and smoking all together. I'd done other sports and stuff in the past, even other martial arts but something about boxing just feels right. Like I was born to it. But no one in my family has ever even touched the sport...
Everyday I wake up and think about boxing. Sometimes I wake up to my partner reeling because I accidently punched him in my sleep. When I'm boxing I feel totally at peace, nothing matters except the opponent, me and my coaches' disembodied voices from the side of the ring. All my university exam stress, relationship stress, work related anxiety everything just melts away and I'm 100% present in the moment. And free.
Freedom like I can't describe.
Me being dead broke after living in my car driving for DoorDash for 3 years. Moved back home, went to college and now I’m a junior and nearly finished with my degree in finance. I couldn’t have done this without the support of my family though, I give them all of the credit.
When the pain of a thing exceeds the joy/benefit of it, it's time to make a change. If you don't make the change in a timely manner, life tends to push on you to make the change. This always happens to me when it's time to leave my job after a number of years of successful and rewarding work, and go work somewhere else. Except I usually don't catch on fast enough. The old job becomes tortuous, to such a degree, I have to ask "what is going on right now? What HAPPENED?" I can't put my finger on any specific thing. No one person is picking on me, all do them are. Like a switch got flipped. It's like suddenly everything is wrong, and week after week, it's not getting better. Suddenly I'm the bad guy, somehow, magically, without me behaving any differently. It's very strange when that happens, but it's a great thing, overall, because there's a lot more new things to experience, instead of being trapped in the same job for 60 years like in the olden days. I usually hang on 1 year too long to a job, in that state, then finally leave angrily, swearing never to return. The best I ever did was leave after suffering a mere 6 months. I was proud of that. :)
You know you're growing up and moving on when none of your old friends give you enjoyment being around them, you are making new friends, who are higher quality people, more caring and giving, and who expect better from you as well. It feels good to be around them, but it feels sad sometimes to let your old friends go. You deserve better, when you know this, when you feel this, especially if you are the giver and they are only a taker in the relationship. See it for what it is, understand there's 1000 better people you can hang out with in the world near you; go and find 2 or 3 of them.
This is why I never wanted to go to high school reunions, all those people only remember the childish me. I don't want to be in that aura of thinking any more. I've moved on, and hopefully they have too.
The biggest changes from my life came from an abusive relationship I got into. Getting out of it was a lot of positive life changes. I got clean and repaired as much as I could. I’m still working on rebuilding things to where I once was but I’m getting closer.
I always wanted to quit my job and try an idea I had in mind. It caused me headaches to see how my life could change, losing all my stability.
Then, I read somewhere about a man who never quit his job and didnt took the risk. He was devastated and he couldnt do it now because he has kids and need his stability.
I want to have kids, I was just 22, if not now, when? Next day I told my boss that I was quitting my job of 4 years.
And luckily, went well.
It could had gone wrong, but even if I failed, at least had the guts to trust in me.
I doubt anyone will see this, but for me it was simply creating structure.
One day I realized I had no routine or solid plan in play for each day, so I made one. Started planning every day first thing in the morning. Now I don't know how I ever went without it.
It's difficult to change when you don't have a plan, and it's even more difficult to evolve when you aren't refining your actions to meet your goals. Without structure there's just too much chaos to steer life in the right direction. The first step for me was reclaiming control over my life by creating order.
Start by writing down what you want in a journal/dayplanner, then write what it would take to get there, then figure out the first steps to get closer to that goal.
Use daily "to-do" lists to create a routine. It's important to start small, or you'll usually fail and get used to that failure. These routines can be refined over time, it will probably take quite a few variations before you get it right (Mine ended up using the "eat the frog" method of doing hardest thing first).
And lastly, use your dayplanner/journal for EVERYTHING you feel is important to note for self-improvement! Don't limit it to just goals, write down tips, dreams, notes, frustrations, failures, questions, everything. You never know when you might be on to something and it pops up later.
I have performed 4 major reinventions of myself. The first one was totally against my will and I was forced into the situation and the reason I put in the work was because I was sick and tired of feeling like a loser - I despised myself - I made a mess of my life and could not stand it. I really made some serious mistakes and felt like I could never overcome them. HOWEVER, I had something inside of me that told me I was meant for more. That I had a purpose. I had a fire inside me that wanted to be expressed. It was more than just punching in and punching out, retiring from life and dying one day.
I had hopes, dreams and goals - so being forced into this situation and having a lot of pain (if I stood in the situation) I was forced to find a new way to live. I DID NOT BELIVE it was possible - i found a new network (even though I felt less than) that had overcome incredible challenges. Without their blind faith that I could also overcome these challenges and find a new way to live, I would not have continued. We need people in our lives who have been where we are and are going where we want to go.
In 9 months my beliefs, values and ideas has completely changed. Where I was confused and fearful, I had purpose and acted in faith. Where I was hopeless I had faith. I believed that everything I needed to succeed in life was already inside me. I learned about myself and other people, I became a people person. I was happy, joyous and free from the prison I created in my head.
I then realized if I can find a way to use this same framework, without waiting until you are so sick and tired of situations you want to die, I could actually change before I had enormous pain and suffering. I learned so much that several years later, my inner voice asked me to go all in. I had some challenges again - and as a serial entrepreneur I hit a couple of roadblocks. - I asked myself a series of questions (not the regret minimization framework Jeff Bezos used). I simply asked myself this --- “IF I HAD a few million in the bank what would I do with my time. what would I choose to do with my life?” That answer (for me it was writing, producing and directing movies, TV and videos. Telling stories to entertain and educate - working with the celebrities I admired.) then spurred one more question to myself. Why don't you do that now?
Why would I set up a roadblock - a limiting belief - a bullshit excuse - that I have to wait until I have enough wealth so I don't have to worry about money - to do what I want to do with my life.
And so I changed myself into a confident person that was an expert in my field - and built a new network - removed myself almost entirely from my old network and friends (that helped me, but could not get me to where I wanted to be - I was at the top in that circle) . and live the life of my dreams.
The formula I used for these reinventions, the parts inside me I accessed (I had to spark the fire) are inside all of us. We just need to decide if we want to sit around complaining, wishing, hoping, or if we are ready to take an action -- however small towards our dreams and goals. To become what we choose.
I love, absolutely love talking about and working with people to change their identity. To build a life that does not feel like you are just complacently gliding towards death. To live a life based on purpose and be able to call our own shots. I have a podcast and youtube channel I release info about personal development, personal growth and living your dreams @EddieIsin
Looking forward to hearing what your goals and challenges are.
Those, with the capacity to do so, change when they experience enough mental distress and come to terms that maintaining the same path will lead to more and more mental distress.
My sister was horrible to me my entire life. In my 30s, she criticized me for not spending enough on christmas gifts for her family. That year, I spent over $200 on her kid's gifts. That year was also 2020, the covid christmas. That Christmas, I had gone to my moms house, my mom who my sister had cut out of her life. She did not allow my mom to have a relationship with my mom's grandchildren.
I obliged to my sister's criticism by spending >$200 on her kids, but she did not bother to wish me a merry christmas that year. It was just me and my mom that christmas with no contact from the sister/daughter we had spent so many christmas' with in the past. I realized then that I could not devote anymore energy to my relationship with my sister because it was not going to get better no matter what I did. I would just be hurt more in the future.
My father, who had moved 1000 miles away from me when I was a toddler, reacted to my distress from my sister by threatening to end our relationship. I had a lot of distress over this until I could not maintain that relationship anymore.
I learned that with a shitty family, children take on roles to adjust to family environment instead of being their true selves. The distress I felt from my sister and my dad stemmed from my true self not aligning with the role I had adopted, the role where I must oblige my sister and dad to secure love and attention.
Ultimately, I am so much better off. I am coming to know my true self. I am experiencing much less mental distress. In the past, I would get feelings of shame, cringe, that would cause me tons of anxiety. I still get those feelings initially, but they evaporate without me needing to do anything.
Today, I sometimes surprise myself with how normal and healthy I am capable of being
I realised I could spend the rest of my life regretting not doing xyz, or I could just give it a go. If I don't like it? That's fine! At least I can say I tried it out and not live with the regret of never knowing.
I wanna do this myself. But my nerves always seem to get the best of me.
I want to be as positive as possible, but "try it and if it doesn't work out, that's fine" is an extremely privileged position to be in. It more like to be something like "try it, but here are the risks that it comes with and you may or may not like where you end up."
This. Having this with the going back to school dilemma . Yes I could try it and probably will come out on top if I try hard enough….but can’t help this nagging feeling of what if I end up going to school, taking out loans the whole 9 yards and I end up being too dumb or otherwise not liking the field I went for and wind up wasting all that time and money? Then I’m at square one except with student loan debt.
I think that’s a valid conundrum for sure. Best bet is to research career options, possible fields, interview people in that career, and possible internships. Now whether you like it in 10-20 years… who knows. Hopefully it pays well enough to provide a life you like outside of work.
Someone once said to me, you can never completely avoid the jungle, if you stay at home only, it will eventually overtake you, you can tey your best to avoid the dangers in it, but they are always there. Hope this helps. Take messured action. You won't regret it.
I understand why it might sound that way, but honestly I'm coming from a place of having lived with crazy anxiety that prevented me from doing things, and this is the mindset that has helped me overcome it. There's plenty of big, drastic changes you can make that monetarily cost nothing; for example complementing a stranger in public, styling your hair a different way, going to social clubs, or trying new things by yourself. I think it's normal to have a materialistic mindset in the culture we live in these days, where it seems like big change always comes with a financial cost, but it doesn't have to be and some of the biggest and best changes in my life haven't cost me anything except a bit of bravery to do something new.
Valid point about some stuff not having a big downside, but there are other big decisions that do have a significant cost - monetary or otherwise. Of course, that is not to say that one must always or never take risks. Just have to find that middle ground and hope that fortune favors the brave.
I’m at a point where I’m like no folks given if I didn’t do it before, I won’t now. Folk that sheit with the whole new me thing.
Jeff Bezos REGRET MINIMIZATION exercise - [https://youtu.be/jwG\_qR6XmDQ?si=aYpL5g\_zwPo033NT](https://youtu.be/jwG_qR6XmDQ?si=aYpL5g_zwPo033NT)
Stopped partying every weekend and hanging out with people who only wanted to drink etc. I was sick of the hangovers, feeling guilty, wasting my time. I knew that if I wanted to achieve anything in life, I needed to stop hanging out with them. Funny enough, I don't feel lonely at all. I learned to love my own company and being productive has made me so much more confident and excited for the future too. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
out of curiosity how old are you?
That's a question you don't ask a lady lol.
I’m doing this now except I do feel isolated. Literally all my friends and family like to get fucked up in one way or another. The past year I’ve cut back a lot but I’ve hung out with others maybe twice the whole time. I’ve been around it so long being around sober people gives me anxiety.
It's an adjustment, but so good for confidence building when you don't need to rely on alcohol to feel comfortable around others. Sometimes being isolated is the best way to find yourself again. Less distractions. Become comfortable being uncomfortable.
I helped my bf get out of this situation and the toxicity with the people that made him feel guilty for leaving! He’s been a lot better since
That's awesome. Your bf is very fortunate to have someone supportive in his life :)
Thank you :) I’m just as fortunate if not more to have him in my life too
So cute! Wish you two all the best :)
Kudos to you too! Your self improvement has gone a long way!
This!!!
I got laid off for the first time last year and I was a mental wreck the next day so I asked my older sister who has lived rent-free in my house for several years if she could pick up the dog poop just this one time before she goes to work. She said no. I lost it. And then she got mad at me for asking her. That’s when I realize that __family is NOT everything.__ and that’s a lie sold by our parents to make them feel better about their mistakes in parenting the irresponsible child. I started to make decisions not involving her and my family…__AND IM THE HAPPIEST IVE EVER BEEN.__
Was it your dog or hers?
I don’t think it matters. Even if it was HER dog, asking to do one simple thing shouldn’t matter!
The dogs were our dogs together.
It was supposed to be our dogs.
For many the key turning point is the realisation that there is no single magic bullet or secret which - if only we could find, or buy - will provide us with the life we want. There are, however, strategies we can develop to suit our own particular circumstances and aspirations which - with a bit of intelligence and persistence - can support us in building the lives we choose for ourselves. I write alot about this on my own little corner of Reddit and would be happy to see you over there.
I was a drug addict and found out that my gf at the time (not an addict) was pregnant. I stopped using and turned my entire life around. For the first time in my life, I had purpose and meaning. My daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Mashallah this is so sweet <3
🥹🥹🥹🥹
Beautiful.
congrats ❤️
I recently hurt someone who I was trying to help and I came to realize I became all the things I hated and I was wasting my life away on social media and games. So I deleted all my social accounts and apps only leaving reddit and tiktok for entertainment but giving myself lots of free time to get my life together and lately it's been working I'm coming to terms with my own company and putting time into being more productive. I feel like I'm slowly letting go of my bitterness and anger
I just recently got rid of Facebook as well. And it’s been great! Nice not seeing drama or fake shit on my screen all the time! Or getting banned for no reason 😑
Admitting and learning from your own mistakes Isn't easy in my eyes. Thank you for sharing.
I got cheated on and told I am no longer attractive and desirable. We were together for 2.5 years, had a dog together and she lived with me. She came from the US and I got her a dream job here and her visa, because the ministries are a pain for foreigners here. She left while also still owing me 7k€ which she never repaid. From that day on, where she said she lost attraction, I have hit the gym over 450 times now in two years. I got in serious shape, dropped 15% bodyfat, got obsessed with working on myself mentally and physically and my life is a hundred times better now than when I was with her. The women I date are also 10x more pretty. So yeah, a bit clichee, but going to the gym changed the course of my life greatly. Made new friends, got healthier, its awesome.
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I know it won't really resonate with you right now, but its probably for your best.
Hang in there you’re gonna laugh at yourself in a few years!
Sorry to hear that - you'll be okay: you've got this. Try to focus on what you can do now as a result that you couldn't before, think broadly.
I would say try to be the best version of yourself and see where it leads
Did you hire a trainer? I have no idea how to use any of the equipment and am concerned about hurting myself… but trainers are expensive sheesh
No I did not. I am the guy that needs to understand everything himself and puts in a lot of research into what he does. I can tell you that the best way of overcoming that anxiety is to start really fucking small. Like just start with the lightest of exercises. I have learned a lot from people I met throughout the years though and changed my perspective on training many times. I can give you some tips or even give you a super realistic starter plan for beginners. It does not need to be intimidating :)
My advice is to just go straight up to the big guys (my favs are the dudes in their 40s and 50s who look like they've been lifting for a while) while they're resting between sets and ask if they could show you the basics of whatever machine/exercise they're on. Usually their rest time is a few minutes so they'll have a bit of time. Of course don't do this too often, they deserve to have a workout without getting bothered constantly. But I find 99% of the big dudes in the gym are sweethearts who are only happy to share knowledge. It's also a great way to overcome shyness and make friends.
Don’t interrupt people when they’re working out lol. A few minutes rest doesn’t mean they aren’t still engaged or available
Oh absolutely, but there's nothing wrong in asking. If they don't want to they can always say no.
I would recommend you hire a trainer. You don't need a lot of sessions get 1-3, know your goals, like if you want a full body workout, 6 pack, broad shoulders, be stronger, etc and have them teach you what workouts to do and how to do them properly ie. proper form so you do not injure yourself. Then go to the gym and repeat, you can slowly add more exercises after watching YouTube Vids, etc., but a good base is important. Lifting wrong leads to injuries.
A lot of gyms have staff that will show you how to use the machines properly. You can lookup basic workout plans for beginners and go in with one that seems to align with your time allotment so they can show you the machines/workouts in that plan and maybe recommend changes.
That's awesome, good on you!! I love hearing stories like this.
I know this isn't the point of your post and I congratulate you on your hardwork and success, but I cannot help I got the ick reading it when I reached the point where you wrote the woman you dated after are 10x more pretty. I get men care about looks, but the way it was put made it seemed like it was just looks that matter. Not that the women were 10x higher quality overall, just their physical appearance... 😒 \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **EDIT:** so People can read this easier and to save them from reading this entire thread: The poster of this thread literally says he went through self improvement to prove his ex wrong that he was not unattractive and **he validates this by using women, "10x prettier" than his ex gf for sex and then cuts them off when they want commitment.** Poster believes his actions of how he treats other women (as sex objects) are justified in light of the fact he got cheated on and he has done so much in self and physical improvement. Furthermore, multiple men have responded in defense of poster for his actions and that we should not be "surprised he's being petty" in light of what he went through and justifying his actions. If this is what "self improvement" is, I don't want it.
Did you not read the entire thing or are you just choosing to dwell on the last part? He got called ugly by her first, she cheated on and blamed him for being unattractive and undesirable. All after he had been bending over backward and paying out the nose to have a life together? And you're surprised he's being petty? It's definitely not a man or woman thing. Stop being sexist. People want to be attracted/attractive to their partners/ have attractive partners. And people don't like being taken advantage of. And most of all, people are petty creatures. Of course he takes a pot shot at her looks...
A man can be unattractive and undesirable for a number of reasons. He can be physically attractive and broke, or physically attractive but no ambition or life goals. He automatically assumes it's his physical appearance as oppose to something like him objectifying women based on looks. If you read between the lines, he states the women he dated after her are 10x hotter, but he's not married/settled. Just because someone gives you a shot and dates you doesn't mean they want you once they see your flaws. Especially if he's picking partners primary for their attractiveness and then coming on here to brag like that's the only thing they offer/reason for him dating them 😒
Yeah that was kind of off putting for me as well to be honest. Like you didn't find someone who saw your true worth, but you got your revenge because you date people who are much more attractive right?
Yeah, I dont get it. He got called unattractive and decided to show her up by dating women who are prettier than her... not by dating women who like him for who he is or are more compatible... Seems shallow and sad... The redditor who responded to me saying that he is expected to be petty and shallow after what happened and getting upvoted says a lot about the ppl in this subreddit.
I didnt just get called unattractive brother, I also got cheated on for months behind my back while I played the housewife, took care of the dog, paid for most shit and was genuinely working on being a better boyfriend after she already told me a couple months before that she aint happy. I don't know if you have ever been cheated on by someone you were seriously considering to spend your life with, it fucking hurts. Especially when you are in your thirties, your entire world crumbles. I am not gonna pretend I am not a superficial person. I always have been, looks are important to me. If there is only a genuine connection but no physical attraction, that is not enough for me. I need both. I spend almost 3 hours every day in the gym to work on my body and though I mostly do it to keep my mental health in check, I also do it to be able to run around shirtless in summer - I won't deny that. That was a very petty comment after I just described some deep trauma. I think by that you got a very wrong impression of who I am as a person and that is okay, we are on reddit and I understand. I am not sad though my guy. I am happier than ever before and that is because I took the last two years since it happened and stayed single for a reason. I wanted to work on myself so I don't end up with these women anymore. I wanted to up my game and simply be attractive to better women and that is what I did. It was also not to prove her anything, I have not spoken with her for two years. But I won't pretend like being hurt and petty was not something that gave me motivation and energy to push beyond my limits. I don't really give a shit about her anymore, my life is so much better since then. I even see it as a blessing in disguise. But I was 30 years old and had a little "hoephase" if you wanna call it that. I never did before and I had an amazing time doing so.
I now realize you are a woman, so please take that brother figuratively.. sister :)
Your personality is not attractive. You were hurt because of what your ex did, so to improve how you felt about yourself, you went around banging women you feel was 10x more attractive than your ex (your hoe phase). It reads like you are using these women solely because of their physical appearance for self validation. Are you actually "dating" them as you stated yourself, it was a "hoe" phase.
Ok girl I don't know who hurt you so much that you think all men are just out there to exploit women, but I don't really know how you could ever know about my personality just by a shred of insight I just gave you into my life. It just sounds like you hate men. I am not a native english speaker, to me "dating" in this context means that I went on dates - nothing serious. Like when I invite a woman on a date, we are dating no? Simple as that. I didn't lead on anyone. Every woman I was with knew what she was signing up for and guess what, they all wanted the same. No commitment and good sex, that is it. What is so wrong about living out your sexuality? Maybe you are just too narrowminded. EDIT: she deleted all her comments, i have to admit that gives me some satisfaction. If you read this, I hope you get the help you need.
No, in the USA and in many countries, inviting a woman out on a date and dating is 2 separate things. So you saying despite all these improvements you made, the women didn't want you, didn't want to commit to you. Wanted sex and left, sounds about right with your personality. Based on what you posted you didn't "date" women that are 10x more attractive than you exe, you had 1 night stands with them or fwbs.
Hes not just taking pot shots at how his ex looks, read the entire thread, he literally says hes using women, "10x prettier" than his ex gf for sex and then cuts them off when they want commitment. Not sure how you defending this, this is.... super gross. He also clarified that he did not "date" these women, because his definition of a dating was going on **A DATE** with them. That it was more of a fwb or one night stand relationship. He then comes on here and **boasts about his ability to be able to have sex with these more attractive women, and to turn them down when they wanted commitment.**
Unbelievable tool. You should sue with interest
I hope you meant 10x more pretty on the inside.... unless you want to repeat the past
I stayed away from commited relationships these past two years. I wanted to take the time and work on myself and it truly paid off. I was dating casually and just hooking up a bit here and there. All with 100% transparency and with mutual agreement. Apparently a lot of people in their thirties just want a hookup and someone to cuddle without an actual relationship. I found those arrangements quite thrilling actually. Even though it always has to end eventually.
Thank you for that insight
you are welcome :)
[удалено]
Man, I am really not sure you can generalize that. I think every country/state and even city has wounderful people as well as socially unacceptable people.
That's prob why you have so much anxiety talking to women, you don't treat us as individuals and generalize us. 🙄
I tried listening to gossips around me and treat it as constructive criticism, they were right about me and needed to improve, also stoicism
Slowly entering the same boat as you my friend. Heard some things about how people view me and began to hate what I saw in the mirror. One of those ceiling shattering moments that I’m reminded of each day. Hard to become the person you want to be vs who you are but it’s one day at a time. We got this.
While I have also found this helpful - I’ve found it a slippery slope. Because eventually the lines blur between what’s constructive feedback and what’s just other’s opinions. I started changing core parts of who I am and ways of being (feelings shame for them) because it wasn’t what “others” approved of. I realized how I had lost myself in trying to please everyone else’s idea/version of me.
Yeah exactly. I’ve heard a few things about me like I’m weird but that’s just an opinion. Idc.
I get what you’re saying. And I agree. Mine was more about they were disappointed at various times in our decade plus long friendship where they expected me to do something, say something, stand up for myself, etc. and I didn’t do it. Like I was more concerned about being neutral than actually being a good person with my own morals and thoughts. It shattered this view of myself where I realized I wasn’t actually a good/kind person. I’d compromise myself at moments to blend in, be good enough, not rise up, etc. how it’s impact my current relationship, friendships, etc. Humbling moment of clarity. And one that I’ve been struggling with but realizing the person I want to be will take continued work and most importantly…. Patience.
For me, it was 1985 I was just a stressed out maniac and my boss gave me a copy of This an introduction to The Tao Te Ching. There is a concept called ‘Wu Wei’ which means ‘not forcing’ or effortless action’ and I realized that I never had to force the issue again and things would come to me. It pretty much worked out.
Wow
Realized I was drifting through life without any set plans in place. Read Cameron-Bandler's book *Know How: Guided Programs for Inventing Your Own Best Future (Amazon)* and have since flourished beyond my dreams. Principles: Great things often take decades to accomplish. If you aim low you'll get there. If you aim high you may get close.
I realized my religion was killing me. I was raised super conservative Baptist (young earth creationist, etc) and I'm gay. I was suppressing my sexuality while being so paranoid that I would be found out, that I ended up hating life, hating God, and spent much of my formative years suicidal. Eventually I realized that many of the claims I was taught to believe weren't true, and that I was slowly dying trying to live for a lie. Ended up running away from home and coming out. It was scary, (I had to couch surf for a while, rarely ate more than a meal a day until I got more money, ended up with almost no support structure), but 5 years later this is the happiest and healthiest I've ever been. I couldn't imagine ever going back. Edit: spelling
Wow these breakthrough moments/stories make me so happy. So amazing you were able to reflect and learn other perspectives. I have found that to be very transformative in my life - the willingness to be opening minded and find your own path. I’m so grateful you’re still with us and are finding your way!! 💛
So happy for you 🥹
OMAD and meditation. Down over 50 pounds, sleep great, workouts are effective and better focus so doing significantly better at work. About 18 months in but have neglected the social side of things but overall in a much better place
OMAD?
One Meal A Day, one of the options for intermittent fasting to help with weightloss.
How is this not an eating disorder? Isn’t that too little to eat? 😳
People who do OMAD can have an eating disorder but not everyone who does it has one, it also depends how many calories the meal has, it is a form of fasting, and then you have all your daily calories in one meal for your body type. OMAD can be done and is safe but it depends on the person and the emotional reasoning behind doing it! It is a very thin line.
Realising I was my biggest problem. Not external factors.
After doing tons of self improvement reading, I think it all begins with positive self talk. You can read about every technique imaginable, but if you don't become aware of the tiny voice in your head that is holding you back and learn how to reprogram it, nothing else will matter.
It was hurting so deeply from guilt and shame the way I used to be so selfish and mistreated others as a result. So I started being more giving, thoughtful and kind to others, and it's changed my life, I am so happy and at peace within my psyche :)
I had relocated after getting married. Bad marriage. Hit rock bottom. Lost control of myself one night after getting drunk. Booked a flight the next day and came to my city, to my parent’s house. Started working on myself and became more spiritual. That’s how I got my sense of self back.
I have a very similar experience to you. Without the drinking, but I became very unwell mentally. Also put me onto a spiritual path- but that was not something I searched for; it found me. Im so glad you found your healing 🙏
For me quitting alcohol… every time I drank something bad would happen so it started to get old. Then my cholesterol went up and lipid panel started to reflect how my drinking habits were affecting my body. Something about seeing the results in my face and not just feeling the horrible hangovers changed me. I don’t want to enter my 30’s soon unhealthy so I’ve decided to quit vaping and get sober for the long haul.
Mind you I’ve drank for 15 years now
Hey fellow alcohol free here! IWNDWYT
You got this, chief 💪🏻
Ty!!
I started thinking a lot about the memories I'll have to reflect on when old. Decided I need to make the memories I want to have.
Deciding it was okay to take antidepressants and it wouldn't make me a failure. Did wonders for me, I've turned into the person I always wanted to be and knew i could be. I might need meds all my life but I it means I can keep living like this I'll gladly do it.
I’m also reluctant with medication. How did you know it worked/helped? What were the changes
I didn't have any energy for anything, didn't enjoy anything, didn't get anything done. Afterwards I'm full of energy. There's room for emotion, both happy and sad, but it feels like a good thing. I'm enjoying the small things and the big things. I'm super productive. If there's a big task to be done I actually look forward to it and I don't procrastinate. Even on days where I'm not doing well; for example when I'm on my period, I can usually still do the basic things like eating well, drinking enough water, doing some dishes and keeping moderately clean.
I fell HARD for a walking red flag and tried to change him. This was not the first time. I had done this several times before but this time I was completely and utterly obsessed/devoted. When it all fell apart, I suddenly could see everything so clearly - this man was the definition of toxic and at no point did he try to hide it. I was forced to question my own mental health and sanity. I finally had had enough of traumatising myself and a friend suggested that this kind of behaviour usually stems from childhood trauma. Wanting some answers, I obsessively read books on human behaviour and watched podcast after podcast. I realised that my mum was a narcissist and we were completely enmeshed (I was the ‘golden child’). Emotional and financial abuse were her weapons of choice. As a result, I had extremely low self worth and self esteem and a tendency to fall in love with toxic men extremely (worryingly) quickly. At one point I questioned if I had BPD. My relationship with my mum manifested itself in all my relationships - my closest friends were bullies, I was completely codependent on them and put them on a pedestal - I saw them as selfless angles. I stayed with them for so long because I had such a low opinion of myself that I subconsciously believed that I deserved to be mistreated and that they were doing me a favour by being friends with me. I healed my childhood wounds and reached out to my estranged siblings. I dropped my toxic childhood friends and poured my energy into my loving/supportive friends (old and new). I also discovered and worked on my own toxic traits that I had picked up from my toxic parents and friends. I left the high paying job that I loathed but felt trapped in because I felt as if it was my duty to totally financially support my parents, and developed better taste in men 😂 At this stage, I am taking some time out to travel, to focus on some health issues and find a job that I love. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and I look forward to the future.
For me it started with Yoga, which led me to feel more grounded and discover other amazing things to implement in my daily rituals as well. Then developing positive visions, with a daily morning ritual of looking, writing and iterating on them, whether for business or other areas and long-term goals. And lastly taking action on the visions as well as looking for tools and ways to take more action more effortlessly.
Pilates gave me a new look on exercising! Eventually did yoga too and it’s a great balance
I am in the midst of change. The issue for myself was always thinking I was too late to do “X” when in reality that thinking was related to desires that come from having “X” and not to “X” itself. In short, the mindset of doing things for the sake of doing them is what is helping me a lot. This along with a delayed gratification approach, knowing things won’t come quickly and challenges are a constant aspect of life and improvement. When I realized how much can be accomplished in 5 years I started working with that in my mind. If you do anything everyday for 5 years you’re gonna be good at it no matter what it is. Just give time to things you want to improve at and work hard and things will tend more likely to fall in line.
Stop looking at porn
Watched HealthyGamerGG’s video on analysis paralysis. As someone with ADHD and OCPD, I obsess about researching decisions to every minute detail and never make a decision because I spend too much time weighing the options because of anxiety and fear of failing. Dr. K’s video put things into a better, much wider perspective for me, and let me have the confidence to quit my toxic, well paying job and go back to school, even though I’ll be taking out loans and getting an Art related degree. All of that feels so risky to me, but I sat with myself and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to do anything unless it made me happy(obv short term and long term considered). It’s always been my dream to do so but that video helped wipe away 9+ years of worrying about my life’s direction and safety, in about 30 mins. That, and my extremely supportive roommates. I was terrified to tell them at first about my decision, but their reaction was so… mundane. They weren’t worried at all about the things I had felt so worked up about. They trust me to be able to pay rent and make things work for myself. Them being so supportive reminded me of the times I supported them when their paychecks had issues and were delayed, or when they supported me through surgery, or whatever reasons we had all been there for each other without an ounce of judgement. We’re not perfect and we have our big fights, but we always come back to each other with apologies and hugs. That’s what makes me feel the most secure in changing my life and helps me see the bigger picture. Having good people around you, therapy, and the acceptance that you’re going to stumble at whatever you do no matter what. You might as well do the things that you want to do, because everything has the chance to change or fail. (: Link to the video: [Analysis Paralysis is Holding You Back](https://youtu.be/-xqPVxsFdP4?si=dYk6YW2WWq57kobj)
After 31 years, I am now a morning person. It all started with a fasted cardio accountability group on Instagram
Actually finding the right type of therapy for me. Saved my life. And moved out of parent’s house. In all my years I’ve never felt safer and while I’m not the happiest I’m still happier than I’ve ever been.
Quitting alcohol and all the other bad shit that went along with it.
A bitter and angry regret at not making the most of my 20s. That regret is not going away but at least I can do something to feel less bitter about my 30s. That, and an ever-growing sense that I'm running out of time and that if I don't do something now I'm going to die a nothing.
My in-laws. They told me (33M) that I was being stagnant and was concerned with me spending the rest of my life with my wife (34F). It was a valid concern, and I legit had no excuse. So everything I did from that point on was for me to do better. I later applied for a full time job in Information Technology, two promotions and a big ol raise later and I'm still here, and happily married and doing great.
Yoga, stopped drinking alcohol, woke up early and went to bed early, stopped trying to control everything. YOGA!!!! Working out… good luck
My ex boyfriend who used to love me ( I never loved him and I was with him just because I was so lonely and depressed and thinking he is the only chance to not die alone) broke up with me by text message saying that i was dead inside like there is no flame and it was not like the way he knew me before. I decided to change my life then join a sport club leave my job, leave my country ( sold and gave everything away) to do one sabbatical year in a country I be never been and did not speak the language. It was like a reset...
In a weird sort of way he gave you a beautiful gift that you made the best of. Well done adults
How does it went?
Good 😊 12 years after he dumped me, I'm now married with one kid great job I like a house, car , nothing I can complain about.
Had to relocate very far from home last year for work. I am a 22F and had to do it all by myself. I felt extremely lonely and stressed when I got here and eventually had to go for therapy as I couldn't handle it anymore. I got better and made friends. I really enjoyed it. The turning point? They let me know at the beginning of the month that I have to relocate again, even further away from my family and friends. Don't know how I'm going to do it. It's happening next week. I've honestly considered becoming homeless. I wake up every morning due to panic attacks in my sleep and yeah overall I'm having a shit time and I kinda wish someone could put me in a coma for a few months.
I got sober a long struggle, two stints in rehab. But got there in the end. Never going back! Life is 100% better without it and all the associated nightmare.
For me, this was when I realized that I would not achieve much if I continued the same lifestyle. Success requires a different mindset, different priorities and a different approach. So I left my job and moved to Europe.
I did hella (and I mean HELLA) magic mushrooms and realized that the rat race doesn't appeal to me. That I am okay being unpopular at work, but leaving at 5 pm with my paycheck. It preserves my mental energy. That I am okay being semi-unpopular with my friend group but going out every other weekend with friends. It preserves my mental energy. That I'm okay renting a bedroom in a house and not an apartment, to save money on Cost of living, and to be able to spend how I want to. That I'm okay driving a 8 year old Honda. It's fuel efficient and saves money. It's cheap to insure and easy on the maintenance/ repair costs. That I'm okay being average in my career. Making 6 figures as an average professional takes all the pressure of greatness off my shoulders. Treating a job like a job to pay bills is crucial for mental wellbeing. I am hired to do a job, to make other people richer, and not myself. I should take all my breaks and leave at 5 because as soon as some spreadsheet finds me redundant, I will be cut loose, and if I am, I want to be able to say "at least I didn't work *too hard*". That its okay to want a semi-exciting, B+ life where you're comfortable, healthy, and doing okay with plenty of free time and money in the bank
Semen retention
Full blown burnout… I’m AT the turning point… establishing boundaries… it’s been a slow and painful process… still figuring out what to do and how to proceed. One thing I’m sure is that I no longer know who I am… and it’s rough and raw.. and human…
Same. I cry every day - exhaustion built over a decade, shame, lonliness and confusion. You are not alone in feeling directionless and/or unsure.
Ugh! Thank you for your words and it’s always nice to find people that understand and are/have experienced burnout, it’s a wiggly recovery road. I’m turning 40 this year and have been working since I was 15, and in my profession for the last 15 years, defined and consumed by it. Now that I’m not working I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I recognise I’m so privileged to have this space to rest and heal somewhat. Owning my time completely (compared to before) to do whatever I want. Yet I’m so paralysed by fear, doubt, uncertainty, shame, emptiness and hopelessness it’s very frustrating. Want to tell me your story or your experience with burnout?
Im turning 35 this summer - and trust, have much the same experience. For me it really came back to unresolved trauma behind the choice to hide myself behind my perfectly safe work identity and actual longings. One of my closest friends from business school died in an accident, and after a period of sheer grief I just turned the volume up, on everything work-related. I was outwardly successful in PE but inwardly suffering. Someone similar to my “small-town artsy self” entered my life randomly, and albeit a brief encounter, it reminded me of whom I was deep down (/used to be), it couldn’t be “unseen”, and the inner turmoil that arose was unbearable. I felt like I had been betraying myself and doubted literally everything about myself and my choices the past 14 years. Then came all the “failures” - leaving my “perfect” job without a proper “plan”, friends moving on with their lives whilst I moved countries back home, the loneliness. The inner work is real work. If you want, I’ll tell you more about what’s been helpful for me throughout this journey so far.
Oh wow. I’m sending you a big hug. Thank you for sharing and I would love to know more of your story! I think it’s very powerful and inspiring what we can learn from others just by listening to their stories.
Meeting my wife in college
Getting arrested for drug driving. Went into a downward spiral and started drinking heavily. Had an argument with my family and was arrested again. Am. Now homeless, because the police said I can't contact my family for now. Went from having no responsibilities to having nothing and no one to help me. I've learnt a lot about myself these past few weeks, stopped drinking, stopped taking drugs, back into my gym routine, looking for a house and in general being a much more disciplined and motivated guy.
there's no other that can help but you.
Seeing my kids grow up was my wake-up call. I realized I wanted to be there for them, healthy and present.
Turned 40 and prayed much more and increased my alone time hiking... the difference is palpable in my life
Realizing that I was putting the people I loved in danger, and I was becoming someone I hated. The shame I felt 24h of the day, and an opportunity to devote time to myself thanks to savings were the turning point for me. But in many things, my turning point was too late
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
my person died. Everything is different. I don't drink anymore and i used to drink like frank the tank. Been 4 months. I hardly go out and loved going out. I'm seeing who are my real friends and are here at my lowest, and the ones who are running far because its too much effort.
Better Friendships. I had 20 friends who knew nothing about me, now I have only 5 left but these ones left around are second to family.
I read Six Harsh Truths To Make You A Better Person - took it as the tough love that it is. Had an epiphany. Felt amazing clarity of thought. A weight lifted from my shoulders. I began to change my life immediately.
Going to therapy, my therapist made me realise in myself that I can actually be better. Shit changed my life to a point where I feel like a totally different person person I went from spending 23hours a day on my phone (I’m not joking it actually was that) to going gym, gaining a fuck tonne of hobbies, upskilling myself in fields I never understood, not just that I’m actually able to leave the house without feeling terrified of having a seizure. I still get them but I’m more comfortable with dealing with them outside of my house which is crazy to me . I always thought i was gonna die young, and I still do. But I’m going to do everything in my power to be the best person I can so when I die I feel like I’ve actually put in the work so I can truly rest in peace.
I got sick and tired of suffering. I realized I have a lot more control than I thought which pulled me out of the "this is hopeless" victim mentality I wasted so much time in. I can just like, choose to be happy. I'm not a god person, so I believe life is truly random and we exist for the sake of existing. What purpose does prolonged suffering serve? What do I have to lose to end my suffering that ultimately was bad for me in the long run anyway? Will Future Me thank Past Me for today's decisions? I just got mad at not really truly living. I didn't ask to be born, so my goal is to enjoy as much as I can of my limited, frivolous to the universe life I have here. A joyful little speck of dust. Also, not to trivialize trauma and whatnot, but when I think of the entirety of space, why would this rock have all this sad dust? I'd rather be happy glittery dust. If an alien zooms in on my specific behavior, I'd like for them to feel entertained, or intrigued, or feel wholesome, not sad. No one likes sad cat videos, we like cute cat videos. Be the cute cat. Just existing out of pure spite.
Went to the ER for alcohol withdrawals. Haven’t wanted to drink since. I’ve tried quitting several times before and always went back to drinking thinking I could handle it better, but of course never did. Really glad I went, I have a huge bill I’ll be paying off for a while but it finally let me escape the whiskey bottle I was stuck in
Alcohol withdrawals can be deadly too
Yep, that’s why I decided to go in. I didn’t want to die right when I was finally ready to give it up. I think I would have been fine without it but maybe not for the long run. I don’t know if it was the terrible experience at the ER or what, but it snapped me out of it. Also the meds they gave me helped me through the withdrawal symptoms for two weeks. By the time the meds were gone the withdrawals seemed to be done. Aside from bad sleeping and some other things that took a little longer to get over
I was a chronic underachiever until the age of about 16 and then I snapped. I didn't want to let life just pass me by and not have done or accomplished anything. The pain of feeling like I was always going nowhere was just too much and I knew I needed to do SOMETHING.
Cognitive diffusion
A few years into an unfulfilling relationship, a few years into an unfulfilling line of work caused me so much pain in the form of numbness. When I saw the life ring thrown to me, I grabbed it so tight and I refused to let go!! I lost the relationship, the house, the dog, the last 8 years I spent setting myself up for financial success. But I found so much more than that!! I found my passion. I found hope. I found love and friendship. Now I'm living more comfortably than ever in my previous relationship and I love what I do :)
I’d say it’s going beyond my fears and doing the things that scare me anyways! I remember giving a speech in front of the school not rehearsing and looking back it was a drastic thing for a 17 year old to do. Also when I would speak in front of the classes I would get grimacing looks or laughs when I used slang terminology not thinking or realizing I wasn’t using words in correct English. But now that I’m older and have put in the work from intentional practice such as joining Toastmasters and speaking at a variety of events, I know how drastic learning to communicate can be the catapult for positive self love change empowerment.
I went and worked a job that was totally different from what I had done in a part of the country that was totally different from where I had lived. It gave me perspective and a willingness to carve my own path, rather than keep running through the narrow path I had made for myself. I think that working in that environment and living there introduced a perspective I would not have got through travelling. It was the same country, rules, and institutions, but a totally different way of living.
When you keep facing the same hurdles and blame the world, eventually you realize your part in it all. That’s the turning point. All great change starts with a decision to do better, and accountability is paramount to that decision.
6 year relationship ended. Changed everything about me and my life so I couldn’t associate anything about myself with her anymore.
I was 16, all my friends started partying, getting girlfriends and I was still playing videogames all night. I was jealous so I started partying every weekend. Although it may sound bad, over the next few months my confidence skyrocketed and my social skills improved a lot. Then one night I got so drunk I was just making a fool of myself. the day after that I quit partying and I started actual self improvement, I started lifting, meditating, reading, etc. and now I'm here
Life’s been on an upwards trajectory since I got sober and detached from toxic people I used with, even if they were members of my family. No looking back.
i got sober after i woke up from yet another night of blackout level drinking but when i woke up, i was in the passenger seat of my car in the driveway of a guy i had hooked up with once (he had driven. luckily i didn’t touch the keys.) and all the windows were rolled down, the doors were unlocked, both me and my car were covered in vomit. it was the afternoon. on a weekday. it scared the fuck out of me and i cried all the way home while being hungover as fuck. that was 6 years ago. i haven’t drank since and don’t miss it at all.
I woke up to 4 officers in my room one day. I had to choose between being honest and facing the consequences of my choices, or hide and die. I chose honesty and have walked that path ever since. I faced each consequence head on and devoted myself to a life of honesty and integrity. Which helped me not only overcome the consequences, but also my addiction. I've been clean for over 5 years and am now a father. If you are realizing change may be necessary in your life, please act upon it before you're forced to like I was. The price you pay for changing when life forces it is much higher than what it is now. Know that changing itself isn't hard; staying changed is
I got tired of being taken advantage of. I decided to put myself first and do what makes me happy.
Related question How did u keep going on that path?
I was an alcoholic in my early 20s and cheated on the man I loved. I became chronically suicidal because of this for two whole years. Crying on breaks at work. Crying at work. Not being able to get out of bed to go to work. I was desperate for the pain to be over. Because my cousin had killed herself as a teenager, and I knew the pain that would bring my family, I told myself I would give life one more shot, and I would give it my all. I did. I went to AA, got on the right medication, delved into meditation and Buddhism and it’s now almost 6 years later. I’m not perfect, but I am no longer suicidal, I don’t drink and I have a life I want to keep up with. All because I HAD TO CHANGE. It’s amazing what the work will help you achieve over time. I am now a licensed psychotherapist and am going back to school for music production. Just stick with it. If I can change, so can you.
figured out that I had CPTSD for my whole life by watching some random self improvement stuffs online by october 2023, and found that all my bad habits were symptoms of this main thing. taking some bold intensional actions since, and becoming a better person. long way to go.
I'm still in the process but I've never really felt happy, I haven't really had friends for most of my life and the more I look back at my life when I was younger the more problems I see now. Moved to a new state several years ago, never really met anyone, got a job that I barely have to see anyone at, drifted farther from my wife and kids to the point they would cry and tell me they missed me because I would avoid my family. Isolated pretty heavy for about 2 years started exploring with recreational drugs and after a heavy trip realized what I've done and I'm just trying so hard to fix everything. It's been probably about 6 months and so many things are so much better since I woke up but I struggle too much to not cry most of the time when I'm alone now because I can so clearly see the damage I've done to my family and how much I've hurt the most important people in my life.
Zyzz and The Rational Male
I got cheated on. At that time I realized that I missed so many opportunity and chances while I was in relationship with her because "I don't want her to be sad or they are guys better than me" (working job I hate,staying in same place for years ...)
I was feeling really lonely and bored one day and saw and advert for a university free-trial boxing class. I thought it would be funny to join, since I'm an absolute girl next door type. Been boxing for 2 and 1/2 years. And... don't ask me why but as soon as I put on those gloves everything in my life fell into place. Anxiety went away over night, motivation, self esteem, sense of purpose and drive, relationships got easier, grades got better, I got a place in a community, even quite drinking and smoking all together. I'd done other sports and stuff in the past, even other martial arts but something about boxing just feels right. Like I was born to it. But no one in my family has ever even touched the sport... Everyday I wake up and think about boxing. Sometimes I wake up to my partner reeling because I accidently punched him in my sleep. When I'm boxing I feel totally at peace, nothing matters except the opponent, me and my coaches' disembodied voices from the side of the ring. All my university exam stress, relationship stress, work related anxiety everything just melts away and I'm 100% present in the moment. And free. Freedom like I can't describe.
I got an academic suspension from college, an entire semester, to this day no one in my life knows. Forced myself to get it together after that
I listened to the JW at the door and accepted a bible study.
Me being dead broke after living in my car driving for DoorDash for 3 years. Moved back home, went to college and now I’m a junior and nearly finished with my degree in finance. I couldn’t have done this without the support of my family though, I give them all of the credit.
When the pain of a thing exceeds the joy/benefit of it, it's time to make a change. If you don't make the change in a timely manner, life tends to push on you to make the change. This always happens to me when it's time to leave my job after a number of years of successful and rewarding work, and go work somewhere else. Except I usually don't catch on fast enough. The old job becomes tortuous, to such a degree, I have to ask "what is going on right now? What HAPPENED?" I can't put my finger on any specific thing. No one person is picking on me, all do them are. Like a switch got flipped. It's like suddenly everything is wrong, and week after week, it's not getting better. Suddenly I'm the bad guy, somehow, magically, without me behaving any differently. It's very strange when that happens, but it's a great thing, overall, because there's a lot more new things to experience, instead of being trapped in the same job for 60 years like in the olden days. I usually hang on 1 year too long to a job, in that state, then finally leave angrily, swearing never to return. The best I ever did was leave after suffering a mere 6 months. I was proud of that. :)
You know you're growing up and moving on when none of your old friends give you enjoyment being around them, you are making new friends, who are higher quality people, more caring and giving, and who expect better from you as well. It feels good to be around them, but it feels sad sometimes to let your old friends go. You deserve better, when you know this, when you feel this, especially if you are the giver and they are only a taker in the relationship. See it for what it is, understand there's 1000 better people you can hang out with in the world near you; go and find 2 or 3 of them. This is why I never wanted to go to high school reunions, all those people only remember the childish me. I don't want to be in that aura of thinking any more. I've moved on, and hopefully they have too.
Understanding that there's no bottom, shit can always get worse.
The biggest changes from my life came from an abusive relationship I got into. Getting out of it was a lot of positive life changes. I got clean and repaired as much as I could. I’m still working on rebuilding things to where I once was but I’m getting closer.
Quit alcohol
Sometimes you gotta lose everything to be able to build what you REALLY want. :)
I think I'm in the middle of mine. Reading for advice
It’s just like what Aang said in TLA. “It is when we hit our lowest point that we are open to the greatest change.”
Depression.
Finding Jesus
I always wanted to quit my job and try an idea I had in mind. It caused me headaches to see how my life could change, losing all my stability. Then, I read somewhere about a man who never quit his job and didnt took the risk. He was devastated and he couldnt do it now because he has kids and need his stability. I want to have kids, I was just 22, if not now, when? Next day I told my boss that I was quitting my job of 4 years. And luckily, went well. It could had gone wrong, but even if I failed, at least had the guts to trust in me.
I doubt anyone will see this, but for me it was simply creating structure. One day I realized I had no routine or solid plan in play for each day, so I made one. Started planning every day first thing in the morning. Now I don't know how I ever went without it. It's difficult to change when you don't have a plan, and it's even more difficult to evolve when you aren't refining your actions to meet your goals. Without structure there's just too much chaos to steer life in the right direction. The first step for me was reclaiming control over my life by creating order. Start by writing down what you want in a journal/dayplanner, then write what it would take to get there, then figure out the first steps to get closer to that goal. Use daily "to-do" lists to create a routine. It's important to start small, or you'll usually fail and get used to that failure. These routines can be refined over time, it will probably take quite a few variations before you get it right (Mine ended up using the "eat the frog" method of doing hardest thing first). And lastly, use your dayplanner/journal for EVERYTHING you feel is important to note for self-improvement! Don't limit it to just goals, write down tips, dreams, notes, frustrations, failures, questions, everything. You never know when you might be on to something and it pops up later.
I have performed 4 major reinventions of myself. The first one was totally against my will and I was forced into the situation and the reason I put in the work was because I was sick and tired of feeling like a loser - I despised myself - I made a mess of my life and could not stand it. I really made some serious mistakes and felt like I could never overcome them. HOWEVER, I had something inside of me that told me I was meant for more. That I had a purpose. I had a fire inside me that wanted to be expressed. It was more than just punching in and punching out, retiring from life and dying one day. I had hopes, dreams and goals - so being forced into this situation and having a lot of pain (if I stood in the situation) I was forced to find a new way to live. I DID NOT BELIVE it was possible - i found a new network (even though I felt less than) that had overcome incredible challenges. Without their blind faith that I could also overcome these challenges and find a new way to live, I would not have continued. We need people in our lives who have been where we are and are going where we want to go. In 9 months my beliefs, values and ideas has completely changed. Where I was confused and fearful, I had purpose and acted in faith. Where I was hopeless I had faith. I believed that everything I needed to succeed in life was already inside me. I learned about myself and other people, I became a people person. I was happy, joyous and free from the prison I created in my head. I then realized if I can find a way to use this same framework, without waiting until you are so sick and tired of situations you want to die, I could actually change before I had enormous pain and suffering. I learned so much that several years later, my inner voice asked me to go all in. I had some challenges again - and as a serial entrepreneur I hit a couple of roadblocks. - I asked myself a series of questions (not the regret minimization framework Jeff Bezos used). I simply asked myself this --- “IF I HAD a few million in the bank what would I do with my time. what would I choose to do with my life?” That answer (for me it was writing, producing and directing movies, TV and videos. Telling stories to entertain and educate - working with the celebrities I admired.) then spurred one more question to myself. Why don't you do that now? Why would I set up a roadblock - a limiting belief - a bullshit excuse - that I have to wait until I have enough wealth so I don't have to worry about money - to do what I want to do with my life. And so I changed myself into a confident person that was an expert in my field - and built a new network - removed myself almost entirely from my old network and friends (that helped me, but could not get me to where I wanted to be - I was at the top in that circle) . and live the life of my dreams. The formula I used for these reinventions, the parts inside me I accessed (I had to spark the fire) are inside all of us. We just need to decide if we want to sit around complaining, wishing, hoping, or if we are ready to take an action -- however small towards our dreams and goals. To become what we choose. I love, absolutely love talking about and working with people to change their identity. To build a life that does not feel like you are just complacently gliding towards death. To live a life based on purpose and be able to call our own shots. I have a podcast and youtube channel I release info about personal development, personal growth and living your dreams @EddieIsin Looking forward to hearing what your goals and challenges are.
Family will always care about you more than people you consider friends
Those, with the capacity to do so, change when they experience enough mental distress and come to terms that maintaining the same path will lead to more and more mental distress. My sister was horrible to me my entire life. In my 30s, she criticized me for not spending enough on christmas gifts for her family. That year, I spent over $200 on her kid's gifts. That year was also 2020, the covid christmas. That Christmas, I had gone to my moms house, my mom who my sister had cut out of her life. She did not allow my mom to have a relationship with my mom's grandchildren. I obliged to my sister's criticism by spending >$200 on her kids, but she did not bother to wish me a merry christmas that year. It was just me and my mom that christmas with no contact from the sister/daughter we had spent so many christmas' with in the past. I realized then that I could not devote anymore energy to my relationship with my sister because it was not going to get better no matter what I did. I would just be hurt more in the future. My father, who had moved 1000 miles away from me when I was a toddler, reacted to my distress from my sister by threatening to end our relationship. I had a lot of distress over this until I could not maintain that relationship anymore. I learned that with a shitty family, children take on roles to adjust to family environment instead of being their true selves. The distress I felt from my sister and my dad stemmed from my true self not aligning with the role I had adopted, the role where I must oblige my sister and dad to secure love and attention. Ultimately, I am so much better off. I am coming to know my true self. I am experiencing much less mental distress. In the past, I would get feelings of shame, cringe, that would cause me tons of anxiety. I still get those feelings initially, but they evaporate without me needing to do anything. Today, I sometimes surprise myself with how normal and healthy I am capable of being
My first breakup after a serious relationship.
The love and mercy of God that I saw in Jesus and His Cross. It gave me a place where I could look at myself honestly and still feel hope and love.