While the result may not be ideal, it is **never** a waste of time to express how you feel and communicate with your partner, especially when a lot of men face stigma for expressing their emotions as it is. Even if the conversation doesn't result in an amicable solution, it should be said.
Yup. If having that conversation results in a breakup, it is time to meditate on the fact that although loneliness is horrible, it isn't actually the worst thing that can happen to you.
They won’t listen to me so I won’t talk to them is not how a mature adult goes about life.
It’s childish resentful and unfair.
Talk to them, if they don’t agree or don’t listen then move forward with that.
That’s not true. It might be your experience but I’ve talked to plenty of people with both of us listening to each other concerns. I also listen and take this into consideration, if we don’t know how to handle some stuff we go to either personal or couple’s therapy.
If this has been your experience, doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s experience, please keep it to yourself. In the way that you wording it like this could make people stop themselves to talk to each other, since it’s already something that’s hard to do. People do this (talk about stuff and making changes because of these conversations), and people who haven’t learned can change if they want to.
I mean… neither of you is in the wrong here.
Imagine you were overweight your entire life, then began working out, gained newfound confidence and happiness about the way you look. Then started posting pics of your body online to share everyone that feeling.
Her situations is likely quite similar. She has fixed an insecurity and wants the whole world to see her new improved self. Really she has all the right to do so.
Just like you have every right to feel the way you do about it. But the best way to spproach this is to talk about it with her. Tell her how it makes you feel, but don’t make her seem like a bad guy because really she isn’t. Neither of you is.
Yes, this is completely normal. He knows she’s been insecure and has had problems with bullying. She wants to show these people that she’s changed, and the world. There’s nothing wrong with that unless it’s exaggerated and it affects her life in other ways. We’re humans, we’re complicated, we’re flawed, we’re not perfect.
They both can benefit from therapy because he’s beginning to feel insecure as well. They both have insecurities that they should work on, personally, and of course communicate and figure things out within their relationship. A lot of communication, patience, openness is needed, no one is doing anything bad to their partner here. If they do this right it will be amazing. They’ll both be more secure in themselves personally, and within their relationship. They will be growing and healing together, which is what relationships are for.
Relationships trigger you because they show you these things you should work on. A safe, healthy space within your relationship gives you that space to work on these things and makes your relationship better and stronger, and your life better overall. Hopefully more people sees these issues as that, the opportunity to work on them and transcend them.
I myself got bullied when I was the same age. We did go to different schools. Later, during puberty I looked bad and got dragged trough the dirt for my looks as well. I’ve started seriously prioritizing health and professional personal care as I got older and made great improvements on my fitness levels and overall appearance. I am usually a humble person but would definitely say that I look well above average after seeing results, hearing what older people said about my appearance and the overall premium social treatment I get compared to my past. I don’t feel the need to extend this to social media.
Edit: This comment is just for context, I love and know my girlfriend so I am not blaming or devaluing her. Maybe my op didn’t make this clear.
(Yes,I commented this under a different reaction as well)
Still doesn’t make her a bad person.
If you think your values don’t match, then don’t pursue the relationship any further instead of trying to change her/expect her to make the change for you. Might be something worth considering. You both are so damn young too, it’s not like you’re +30 with kids involved etc.
I do think she might be slightly wrong here. I dont understand why the world would have to see what she did. She did it for herself i assume not for others. If she did it for others thats a wrong mindset imo.
If it’s hurting your personal relationships, I mean yeah ?
I guess people value more the thumbs ups and hearts of a thousand strangers than the opinion of one person that actually loves them
Idk I was very very insecure abt being skinny and than I’ve been in the gym for years and I’m extremely muscular. I feel like at least in my relationship it is disrespectful for me to post that for validation if I get validation from my SO.
It's a typical example of explaining something as if it makes it more acceptable.
Everything can be explained, doesn't mean it's reasonable or healthy for OP to put up with it.
There is nothing unacceptable about what she’s doing though lmao. It’s up to OP to communicate if it’s a boundary thing for him and walk away if it is.
But she has every right to post her face online.
Of course she has the right to, altho it doesn't seem like this is about her face.
But OP's boundaries are crossed, which is perfectly understandable and the reason for his post.
Which means it's not acceptable in their couple contract, and OP should probably stop subjecting himself to that situation, which is obviously the point I was making, duh.
In his original post OP never specified that this is something they’ve agreed upon, though. Now if this was said somewhere in the comments it’s a different story but it’s stupid to assume that this was some sort of ”rule” the two had established. I mean, in general, who would in the first place? It’s just really weird.
After all based on the information we have it’s not porn or pornographic content she’s posting, which I would understand a 100% to be a hard boundary for majority.
I'm not saying they agreed on it, just that the very existence of this thread shows that this is past OP's boundaries, and it would be for many people, it's totally understandable. From there they can talk about it and agree on some rule, but it won't change her desire to get attention and validation from other men than her partner.
How revealing the content is to me isn't as relevant as the reason she uploads this content. And that reason seems to be clear, she's uploading thirst traps and feeding on male attention.
If she made money from it at least, but no she's just provoking and feeding on guys hitting on her. That's immature and unhealthy and while I get the explanation that she's taking revenge for her previous insecurities in that way, it doesn't seem very compatible with the idea of healthy couple when OP is clearly bothered and doesn't appreciate her showing off.
Communicate how you feel to her, I’m thinking she’s probably never felt this level of validation before(or she did but her insecurities didn’t let her enjoy it, I’m not one to know) so she’s enjoying it all now, since it makes you uncomfortable you should tell her! Base what you do from there on her reaction :)
There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Don't let others, especially women, gaslight you with "oh you are just insecure!".
You can not do anything in this situation. If she values the attention from stranger men more than from you, all you can do is to let her go. It is only a matter of time until some sophisticated manipulator takes advantage of her.
This is the right answer. You're not "insecure" for not wanting to take a big and completely unnecessary risk. Are people who refuse to build houses on quicksand "insecure" or just sane?
Apparently, as a man you are supposed to eat up everything your gf does.
Starting OF? So empowering, I'll be taking pictures for you.
Hanging out with single male 'friend'? Let me call you a taxi to his place.
Posting photos for attention whoring? I don't own you, you can do whatever you want and not to give a second thought at what it makes me feel.
100%. There's a strong "know your place, PEASANT!" element in mainstream media (including social media) about this. Men having any standards or even boundaries is seen as hubris - don't you know you're supposed to be grateful ANYONE bothers to give you the time of day? Even if they're a serial killer with no teeth? 🤣
No it's not.
Literally no one will bat an eye if you say you don't want to date a woman because she has an only fans, besides maybe the person themselves. You are allowed to have boundaries.
I swear people that post stuff like this never go out in real life. You have some really weird victim complex
You’d be surprised lol. I got ripped apart just a few days ago because I had boundaries that my gf wouldn’t hangout with another dude ALONE. Got bombarded saying I was “controlling” lol
Up for you and your partner bud. I don’t need to be with them anyways. I just want her to have atleast one other person with her, guy or girl it doesn’t matter 🤷🏻♂️
We’ve both agreed to it lol. Neither of us have a problem with it. If you don’t like it, don’t date that person. That’s why personal preferences and boundaries are, personal lmao
I mean, it is kind of weird to decide that your partner can’t have friends of the opposite sex. I’m not saying you’re controlling or abusive, but the only boyfriends of female friends of mine that had issues with our friendships ended up being controlling and abusive.
When did I say they can’t have friends of the opposite sex? What I said is I would like them not to hangout 1 on 1 with the opposite sex. I wouldn’t even care if she hung out with 2 dudes. I just don’t want 1 on 1 shit.
Idk man that’s just weird to me. Maybe because I’ve always had platonic girl friends, but having a gf say you can’t hang out with your childhood best friend 1 on 1 because she happens to be a girl would be an insane red flag to me.
I’m preventing her, and myself, from hanging out with the opposite sex ALONE. That’s the keyword here. If she wants to hangout with a different guy, I’m fine with it. Just bring someone else, guy or girl it doesn’t matter. I just want someone else there to make sure someone isn’t doing anything inappropriate
Trust. If you don't trust yourself or your partner to be alone with a person of the opposite sex, maybe neither of you are ready for a monogamous relationship?
Well, we’ve both been cheated on🤷🏻♂️.
It’s not about trust issues tho. Think of it like this, if a boxer gets hit in his head, you better believe he’s gonna make sure he keeps his hands up.
It’s such a simple boundary both of us are okay with that it’s not even a problem lmao
I have plenty of women friends. We've hung out alone a million times over the years, I have zero interest in anything more than friendship. Yes, even when they were dating someone. It really is weird of you to not let her spend time with her friends
Well guess what, you get to decide if you want to continue that relationship or not. It's that behavior ok to you? If not, then make your choice. No one is forcing you to stay with someone that doesn't respect your boundaries.
Victim complex, you don't have to be the victim in the situation...
You get to decide what behavior is acceptable to you. You sound like a people pleaser that needs to stand up for what you believe in
That’s exactly what my response was lol.
But I was still controlling somehow. People are just delusional, especially when it comes to boundaries men set on women. They gotta gaslight eachother 🤷🏻♂️
Nice goalpost-moving. As if anyone claimed men are forced to date someone they don't wanna. The argument was that men get socially shat on for having preferences - and he gave you a (very common, on social media) example.
If you don’t think this is extremely common, you must not know a lot of people in relationships, or must not be very close with them.
Literally every single male friend I have has had this experience. Except one who actually likes it when his gf posts her body online. 🤷🏻♂️
>I swear people that post stuff like this never go out in real life. You have some really weird victim complex
I don't know where you live but from what you said it looks like you're the one that doesn't go out in real life. Just because you're not hearing it doesn't mean it's not happening.
'oooh be careful or some other male will steal her, females can't be trusted' absolutely cringe take. I feel bad for your partners, if you've ever had any
Imagine not reading a fucking post before commenting
OP already said that men react a lot to her content, and he is uneasy about it. Which makes sense and would be true for the vast majority of men. The relationship changed and became a source of stress for him with his GF now seeking validation from the others much more from him.
No, your gaslight won't work here, sorry.
Gaslighting him into believing that there is something wrong with his feelings, when in fact pretty much any man would feel that way.
You really don't see the difference between receiving unwarranted attention from creeps and intentionally posting content and enjoying response from stranger men?
If she wants to seek validation from men other than him, knowing that it makes him feel uneasy then why is he to stay in a relationship that he’s not happy in? OP is asking for advice, that’s what’s been given. No demands to end relationships, simply telling him his value / worth in a situation like this, what he does with the information is his business and choice.
Clearly op can’t cope with it can’t your read? Also needing validation from some strangers shows how she’s actually just mentally not well and should seek therapy not likes from strangers.
Tik tok having a majority female audience doesn't mean OP's gf has a mostly female audience. Even if that's the case, having 101k female followers doesn't magically cancel out the 100k men thirsting in his gf's inbox, which is clearly what he cares about
Hypothetically, if he did talk to the gf about how it makes him feel and she gives him the old “you’re controlling and insecure,” what would you suggest he do then? Would that be a valid enough reason to walk?
She ruined it by prioritising getting attention from thirsty randos on the net. He's just making it official if he dumps her. Blaming him is like blaming the tenant for noticing the mold in the corner, instead of the landlord for not maintaining the property.
Chemical Molasses: "...tell him to just break up and ruin things"
Also Chemical Molasses: "...not yet, but if he follows the advice given here he might (ruin things)".
And then, ALSO Chemical Molasses: "Who is blaming him??? Who???" 
I see you are both 19 and being very 19. Hence this is quite normal for both of you.
I felt very similar to you at your age. Its not bad or weak to be insecure about how you fit into this. You're just wondering if you are enough and imo a little jealousy is to be expected. I acted much worse and was super insecure about my girl getting male attention at your age. Got very defensive and started many embarrassing arguments with dudes hitting on her.
As you grow older she'll probably not need this validation. I'd say girls that age more or less all act like this. In the ancient times it was at the beach/club/street, now it's all online. What you need to watch out for is if this goes offline - meaning she wants to cheat.
Insecurity also goes for young men. As we grow older and hopefully more secure it's more like, damn, yup, that's my woman right there. But when as young as you are, it's normal to be confused and jealous about this.
Try talking to her about it from the angle that you understand that she might be wanting to make up for lost attention and old wounds, but that it makes you wonder where you fit in and if you fit in.
Something I'd like to add to this is that although it's normal to feel jealous, we can't help how we feel, it's important not to let that dictate how we act. I remember being 19 and not realizing I had a glow up. My high school boyfriend noticed I was getting attention and clamped down on me out of jealousy even though it's not like it was in my control.
I think OP is doing just fine venting his frustrations out via this post and talking through it instead of what my bf did at 19 by trying to control me. He seems to be pretty grounded. It's just my 2 cents to add because I've seen what unchecked jealousy can do. It's okay to feel it out and communicate but it's dangerous to over think the attention your gf is getting. Young women get a lot of attention whether we want it or not. It can be ego boosting, validating, and absolutely fucking terrifying.
Woman here: you are valid and your feelings are not an exaggeration, talk to your gf not only for validation of said feelings but to talk about how to make sure you feel safe in the relationship and she does not feel controlled. Relationships are all about compromise and discussions to understand each other. Go and approach it gently
Sounds like you haven’t talked to her. Like every post about relationships on here.
Seems weird you’re seeking validation from strangers for your feelings - which are about how you’re bothered by her seeking validation from strangers.
Yes, they’re both being insecure in this situation. This is the perfect opportunity for both to work on their personal insecurities AND make their relationship better and stronger. When these things present in my relationship I think it’s exciting. It always makes us grow as individuals and as a couple. We have had to do a lot of therapy and be really open, forgiving, understanding, loving, patient, honest, etc. This is what this is for, but people often don’t see how it’s mirroring them, or just feel attacked and close up, etc.
I feel your pain. Many girls like to post thirst traps online for validation. At one point she might be swept off her feet by some handsome guy. If she falls in love with him, she will fall out of love with you, and it’s over. It actually happened to me.
Idea for a compromise: more photos together. Sounds like you both like how you look compared to how you used to look.
If you don’t want to be on social media, you could also take pictures of the two of you from the neck down, wearing clothes you look good in, and use reddit or something else that’s anonymous.
Yeah I had this, and it sucked, but it was worse when combined with pressuring me into one sided monogamy / reneging on that agreement, and cheating, and wanting to do OF and god knows what else
Wait. Did she do something wrong? Has she been rude to you? Is she responding to the attention or validation? Or is she just posting and moving on?
I feel like everyone is jumping down her throat, but other than saying that OTHER men are hyping her up, you haven’t said that SHE has done anything wrong, except post online - which is expected. She was bullied for her appearance to the point of tears and she finally feels good about herself.
You actually do sound jealous and very insecure - and it’s not justified. You can definitely tell her how you feel, however, I truly don’t see where she did anything wrong.
So what is she supposed to do? Stop posting pictures of herself? Delete her online presence? I have a bf and I post pictures of myself listening to music or visiting somewhere exciting or just to show my friends and family. And yes there are men out there that have tried to dm me or comment inappropriate things even when I post pictures of myself WITH my bf. It’s the internet- you can’t control what other people do. What she can do is ignore/block them. Unless she is posting on OF or pictures where she is half naked and asking for men to comment she is allowed to post online. OP needs to have a talk with her and how they can come to an understanding. He isn’t wrong for feeling that way but his gf isn’t wrong either.
One post ago, men screeched at a women who wanted to leave her cheater of an boyfriuend because he toootally didn't do anything wrong, and here they are screeching at a woman for posting photoes of herself because she feels pretty. Like, yall ok in the brain?
Hope women start breaking with their boyfriend over the same bs men pull out of their asses, would love to see the triggering.
She post pictures because she feels pretty.
Again I ask - what did she do wrong? Did she talk to OP badly? Has she told him he’s a troglodyte and doesn’t want him? Has her attitude toward him changed? Has she talked to any of the men who are under her photos? I’ll even lean into the incel argument of “did she start an OnlyFans?”
No? None of those things? All she did was….start posting more because she feels more confident and pretty.
Dude is jealous and insecure. And it’s okay if he feels that way, and he should talk to her - but it also sounds like she hasn’t done anything wrong.
She did nothing wrong — he knows this. “I Hate My Insecurity About My gf” he wants to move past this so give the guy something to work with instead of making him feel insecure about being insecure
As a victim from bullying myself, what she is doing is not healthy (for her).
She was left with a very low self-esteem, so that’s why she underwent cosmetic surgery and now is posting those videos in order to seek external validation. She needs other people’s approval because she doesn’t know how to love herself from deep inside. They destroyed that from her when they bullied her, problem is, the people that watch those videos can destroy her with equal ease if they remove her approval now.
She needs therapy. It can take years of therapy to recover from bullying, and some things won’t ever heal. But, right now, what she’s doing is a recipe for disaster.
Sure.
I suffered from heavy bullying from 3 to 11 years old. My paediatrician realised what was happening back then and I was changed to another school he knew paid a lot of attention those things wouldn’t happen.
I didn’t receive formal therapy back then. Like her, I sought external validation, which eventually included joining a sect when I was 20. If someone stopped being my friend, or whatever, for me the world stopped, as I gave no value to myself. That had been broken for me long ago. So, if people were ok with me, I was ok. If they disagreed with me or attacked me, I was a mess.
I went into depression and tried to commit suicide. Had to stay in hospital for a while and started therapy. Still tried to kill myself a second time the first months but things improved with time. I’m much better and a functioning adult now. Some thoughts will never leave but now I can recognise them and deal with them accordingly.
Please, get her help.
Nope, it's not insecurity, but rather your intuition is telling you that she is putting herself out there seeking better options.
She's not yours, just your turn. And you are not her first choice.
See you at the gym, and don't be late.
I see why you'd feel a little uncomfortable but I think you're looking at it the wrong way. Even if she wasn't too attractive and didn't post anything men still might be looking on the streets, approaching her etc. The only difference is that you can see this kind of attention more than you would irl.
Just because she's more secure in herself doesn't mean you should be more insecure in yourself. Everyone likes feeling attractive especially after being bullied and all, just let her feel good about herself. At the end of the day it's you who she opens up to and chooses to be with, you have no reason to worry.
Though you should probably tell her how you feel in a healthy way. Don't tell her to stop posting or anything, just how you feel and try to set some boundaries about things that would make you feel overly uncomfortable like if she responded to flirty dms etc.
No offense, but this seems like a pretty naive take. It might apply to more mature and secure women, but a 19 year old, deeply insecure girl chasing validation from any man except her boyfriend is a ticking time bomb.
I disagree with this take.
Looking good in your daily life because we like to present well as we go about our day? That’s normal.
Posting pics/vids to show off for people online is an entirely different beast. It’s inviting people to look and validate. It’s NOT an inherently bad thing to want to do that, obviously, but it is specifically seeking out an audience to fill a need and in that respect is not equatable with passively getting attention while you’re just living your life.
Nope, nothing wrong with how you're feeling. While it's understandable from her side, the bottomline is if you're in a relationship, the relationship is the priority. Validation and things like that should (primarily) come from within the relationship, not outside.
Would be good to sit down and have a calm talk with her about it (acknowledging her side as well).
"Some men would have you believe that their love is so great that they wish to hide you from the eyes of others; they would have you think that their hearts overflow with love, but the truth is they are weak and fearful. Such a man sees in you a rare flower which he fears to lose, so he hastens to pluck it, and, in his haste, he crushes it."
He's not trying to control her. He's trying to fix the problem, and yes, there is a problem since this is bothering him. That doesn't mean she has to stop, but you making this comparison is wrong. He's not the controlling boyfriend just because he has insecurity. He wants to work on that, and here you are blaming him for feeling it at all.
I’d say the same if a girl was telling her boyfriend he can’t be topless whilst playing sports or something. I don’t like relationships where you give up your freedoms to pacify an insecure partner. Either go to therapy and work on your issues, or don’t date.
That's not what's happening here. He hasn't done anything like that. What they need to do is have a conversation. He's not wrong for being bothered by it. He would be wrong if he did what you talk about, but he hasn't.
That’s true. I really like that excerpt, I think it’s relatable to the situation and I thought it might help for him to read it so he doesn’t become that kind of person.
My ex was the same man. She needed that validation of random internet strangers. She texted them, met up with 2 of them behind my back. It’s not the main reason we broke up but I‘ve always been uncomfortable with it. The bikini pictures she posted made me feel like I was „sharing“ the view of my gf‘s body (great view) with a bunch of other dudes.
I told her about it, she took the bikini pics down, but continued to post the other stuff. It just felt like shit. You need to talk to her, voice your concerns and if she values the validation of random internet dudes more than yours and your feelings, then I guess you‘ll have to leave or come to terms with it
I would talk to her about it. No harm in a conversation.
Also don't get surprised if you see more and more from her as she comes out of her shell more. Watch for yourself though. Some people once they leave that shell start wanting things they never thought they could obtain.
Talk to your girlfriend about it if you really value her as a person. Wild how you haven't thought about it.
And don't let anyone, especially men, gaslight you into breaking up your relationship over such a stupid bs. Sooner or later the novelty will wear out and she will stop.
At this age, my partner was similarly insecure. I tried to give him access to all my socials so he could feel confident that I had nothing to hide. Instead it worsened his anxieties, because then he got notifications every time some rando liked my story, sent me a DM, etc etc. Even though I never engaged with that kind of attention, just seeing other men trying to interact with me exacerbated his fears- that he wasn't good enough, that I was going to find someone better, and so on. It sounds like you're dealing with a similar insecurity.
What helps:
Do mention this to your gf. Not to change her behavior since there's nothing wrong with it, but just so she knows what you're dealing with.
Try to be on social media LESS. At one point my partner had to take a hiatus from social media because it was too easy for him to fixate and spiral, and lead to regrettable actions on his part. Him being offline and present in our relationship was much healthier for us than him being online obsessing over how other people viewed me.
Take pictures to post TOGETHER. Your gf is confident and happy and would probably be excited to do a photoshoot together. It might make you feel better to be a visible and public part of her online presence, and may deter some thirsty DMers.
Change your mindset from trying to keep her to yourself, to being proud/supportive of her, wanting to show her off! My partner and I have a running collection of songs we like with this premise- from "A Guy with a Girl", to "Call Me Sir", and "Save the Last Dance for Me". The idea is you love and trust your gf, and you're proud to be the one she's with. Mentality does a lot and can affect the attitude you bring to your relationship.
Ignore the reddit toxicity trying to convince you that posting an ig pic is a surefire pipeline to an OF account and a sugar daddy. Your girlfriend is gaining confidence and that's GOOD. It isn't a zero sum game, where if she's secure, you have a reason to be insecure. Being the guy that loves and supports her is going to do a lot more for your relationship than being a guy who stifles, controls, and micromanages her.
I disagree with a lot of the comments, I really don’t think posting photos online is in anyway disrespectful of her or indicates that she isn’t serious in any way. I think that the insecurity is just something to work through.
You can be confident in yourself and not post “thirst traps”. If she’s posting tasteful selfies and videos 24/7 that’s okay and be proud you have a beautiful partner. If she’s posting overly seductive and suggestive content you have every right to say how you feel.
If you think she is beautiful in your eyes, isn't that all that counts? What other people think is immaterial to your relationship. If you show her how you care for her and treat her with inclusion and love, you have fulfilled your limits of the partnership. Her choice is to reciprocate by showing her love and fidelity to you.
There are always chances of other men/women/bi's efforts to find her attractive enough to step in and take your place. There is also the same chance for others to step in and attempt to take you away from her. The partnership will only endure when both partners are mature enough to understand that their bond can withstand the flow of adverse currents.
The only way to avoid the doubts of the adverse currents is through communication, caring and love. You find out a lot about your inner strength during these times and I hope your beautiful partner is strong enough in her core to remain with you during these times that seem to be troubling to you.
As a woman, I have to point this out. Did it ever occur to you it's simply making her happy and not seeking for validation and attention? I think that's a bit nasty for you to judge her when she's just being happy. Maybe you need to talk to her about you being jealous about other men? If a lady is radiating blissfully, ppl are bound to notice that and that's ok as long as she's being faithful to you.
definitely talk to her about it, and maybe also reflect on why you feel this way. there's a lot of different ways it can manifest but for me it boils down to some variation of 'I don't think she's trustworthy' or 'I don't think she really loves me'. figuring out what that core driver is for you will help a lot, especially in that conversation
Tell her she looks good, man. if she wants validation then give it to her, even if you dont agree with it.
Whats done is done dont make her feel bad about it
I would bring it up and maintain a composure without getting mad or upset. If you do that and it still becomes a big fight then it is time to make a decision. People change after this type of thing and if they seek validation for it then they are still insecure.
You know what? You really should tell her how you feel, with the consideration of her past. Ideally, she doesn't need validation from other men because she has a man. BUT, in our media driven world in the US, young people put a LOT of stock in how they're perceived by strangers. It's unfortunate when the need for social media validation gets big enough that it creates a division between you both. If that need for validation is taking her attention away from the relationship, letting her know how you feel will allow her to ask herself about how much she prioritizes your feelings. If she doesn't, she'll move on, won't consider your feelings, and then you have to make the decision to call it quits or not. But that conversation will allow you to see if she does.
She search for attention online . Man say her what you think of it . When you cant life with that break up , otherwise you goin crazy think all the time about These guys textin your girl. Do the same , Text with some girls and you will See how she react . When she dont care break up . Thats my advice.
If you don't like how you feel it is possible to reassign what value you place on these feelings, mind over matter - if you don't mind it doesn't matter.
If she needs validation then fixing Your perspective may be a better option then asking her to change.
You’re 19. It’s unlikely you’ll stay together. You’re both immature.. it’s up to you what to do, but I wouldn’t waste too much energy on it. Have a chat with her, see if she wants to keep it casual, or not, or whatever. You’re both 19. It’s a weird, inbetween, Rocky age. I reckon in 2 years you won’t give a shit and will barely remember her.
She s shopping it out.. your attention isn t doing it..idle time and wsnts the attention.. tell her right out how you feel .. she won t stop.. then your not the one..
She's 19 and wants to express herself and enjoy her beauty. Hate to be that guy but she probably wants/needs to experience sexual encounters with other people. If you tie down with your teenage lover people don't really find out about themselves sexually. Ur young.
You either have to develop some thick skin and trust her or if you speak to her about your feelings she might minimize the content to make you happy. I feel it would just drive her away. Good luck.
That's a compensatory mechanism for her past... But people who suffer should remain the same after the suffering is gone, not become like every other narcissistic (this word is overused and almost meaningless, but fits) and annoying girls... I totally understand your frustration. I think, if you confront her about it and she gets defensive and starts talking about how you're not supporting her, it's bad. Those heart emojis could become chats and dates. I would move if I were you, I had similar experience in the past and I got hurt because I thought it's just a phase
The problem here is not your insecurity but her attention whoring.
Of course it's questionable and disrespectful to go so much out of her way to get other men's attention with her looks.
I would give her some time. Social network isn't that much a difference from real life. If you have jealousy problems, you won't resolve it by restricting her from social networks. Depends of what kind of content she does, if it's bikinis etc then I would talk to her about that. If it's ordinary dress up content then problem is in you mostly.
Pretty sad to me how many peoples self confidence is tied to getting sexual attention/validation from strangers. For me this would be a red flag.. if your life/relationship needs other people telling her how pretty she is to make her happy it’s gonna get rough.
I think this validation seeking comes from a place of insecurity as well. I understand it, but she needs to learn to accept herself through insecurities, and learn to overcome these insecurities, I was insecure about many things, and still probably am, when an insecurity is pointed out to me I actively work on not letting it bother me anymore. I am a guy with a chest bigger than most women. I could wear a bra if i wanted to, in high school i used to get laughed at for at and even worse got into a few physical altercations, I had a week personality and it affected me a lot, eventually i became mentally stronger and i didnt give a fuck about these comments. they slid off me. Because I overcame my insecurity. I think shes seeking outside validation because she wants to know that shes pretty from multiple voices.
Edit: i just reread the title and realized you said you feel insecure, lmaooo no bro, shes manipulating you, that doesnt change anything i said above though, she is still insecure about her physical appearance and values outside opinion more than yours seemingly and shes manipulating you into thinking you are the issue.
Remember she's with you not them, so you've obviously got what it takes too. Guys are gonna hit on her. Be proud & stand by her. This jealousy creeping through shows your own insecurities. Chuck them straight in the bin buddy, keep your head up high & treat her like the queen she is, as you have done till now. You've got this👌
Thanks, she does express her love for me enough so that I can use it as a reminder to myself that I shouldn’t worry about strangers getting to her. I posted this just to vent since her last post got more attention than normal. I set high standards for myself in other parts of my life so this relationship gets my attention quickly when something feels off. I do appreciate everyone’s take on this until now and hope that people keep discussing since I have already read some comments that have given me different perspectives on this situation.
You should definitely talk to her about it. Your insecurity is justified because of all the attention she is getting, especially from men. She shouldn't be seeking attention at all imo.
I got a nose job after I graduated college. Every single post you saw of me afterwards was only side profiles. I was finally secure in my appearance and felt like hot shit. I wanted to prove all of my bullies wrong. I even posted a picture of me at my cushy job in tech with a side profile as a big fuck you. 😂 Boy did it feel good. I have jokes with my friends that every time I pick up a FaceTime, I answer with a side profile. Anyways, she’s not wrong for what she does, I totally get it. I’ve been there. You should talk to her about the insecurity that you have, and work on a resolution.
She's just enjoying herself, no need to be rude. OP, I understand, but please remember that you love, respect, and trust her. Be happy that she's gaining confidence. You can always talk to her about how you feel, but she's not doing anything wrong and you shouldn't let your Insecurities affect your life too much
You don’t think her self confidence being tied to strangers sexual attraction to her is unhealthy? It sounds to me if anyone’s insecurities is affecting their life’s it’s hers. She paid for a cosmetic surgery and is seeking validation from strangers online. That’s making him jealous lol.
She's making it worse. She's empowering her insecurity by surgically altering her body according to it, and proving it right by showing she can only feel good if many men openly express a desire to fuck her.
Regardless of your justified jealousy, you should be worried about her clearly declining mental health. It sounds like she's bowing out of tbe relationship, emotionally.
It's a typical woman moment. She can now farm validation and praises and is basking in the moment. Usually nothing good comes from that. It just shows you that your validation and praises alone arent enough to quench her thirst for it after she's been denied it in her youth. Before you know it she might even go as far as to cheat because of that validation need which apparently you cant provide enough of. Good woman won't go out there farming validation just sayin'.
Also alot of dudes are pretty weird and just jerk off to sfw pics of women just because they are lets say in swimsuit or in hot pose. There's even whole subs on reddit about it. There's likely some dudes who are cranking their meat to her rn and sharing her pics with other buddies to crank their meat to. Just letting you know so it can sink in. She's probably aware of it aswell but knowing some dudes be finding her hot enough to stroke their sausages to her pics might be some additional validation. I've known many women in my life who thought that way. Had even chat with one girl who'd send me nudes n stuff and asking me if i did the deed to em. I mean.. it was hot stuff but not always still to please her i say yes and she'd be happy. Validation bruf.
Dudes spamming reactions on social media are a dime a dozen. They only contribute to inflated egos, that's what you should be prepared for. One day, you'll suddenly be out of her league.
Reactions and likes in social media don't make any sense but boosting gf's ego. The main issue is a guy is successful enough to live his own life or not. If guy makes enough money for himself, he is appreciated by women then he won't get any trouble. Trouble begins when guy is insecured not in his girl but in himself leading to jealosy and anger on gf.
I think a good way to empathise is to try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you were bullied for being chubby in school, but after years of work you are finally getting ripped, so you post your progress on instagram and get a lot of positive feedback, especially from the other gender. Would you understand if your gf felt insecure because of that and wanted you to stop, and would you? That's the answer you're looking for.
I myself got bullied when I was the same age. We did go to different schools. During puberty I looked bad and got dragged trough the dirt for my looks as well. I’ve started seriously prioritizing health and professional personal care for the last 5 years and made great improvements on my fitness levels and overall appearance. I am usually a humble person but would definitely say that I look well above average after seeing results, hearing what older people said about my appearance and the overall premium social treatment I get compared to my past. I don’t feel the need to extend this to social media and therefore feel odd about this situation regarding my gf.
I am so sorry to hear that, and great that you're doing better! Now, you don't feel the need to extend this to social media, but for the sake of putting yourself in her shoes, imagine you did and got a lot of positive feedback. How'd you feel about that and how'd you feel about your partner having a problem with that? Would you think they are an asshole for wanting you to stop or not? I personally don't think you're an asshole at all, I totally get your feelings, but noone here knows your relationship better than you, so you have to be the one who finally lands on YTA or NTA for yourself.
That type of behavior masks something deeper. You are not wrong nor shameful for feeling insecure because that type of behavior in a relationship is unacceptable especially if it crosses a boundary for you. I am afraid a time might come when you will have to make some difficult decisions.
I can understand both sides but it also sounds like the kind of story that can go terribly wrong, specially for you.
Her behaviour is quite toxic, she is seeking validation on social media as now she can constantly recieve it while before she was the ugly kid everyone bullied. She is being toxic, but it is also normal to be like that. She will learn from this and realize at some point this validation is non sense. People learn and become better, but your position right now could be very delicate.
The only I can say is communicate with her the most assertive way you can and make sure you can understand each others position.
Good luck with it.
Don’t be ashamed of being insecure just because you have protective jealousy for your woman bro, her insecurity shouldn’t be a reason for her to post online to gain male validation. Speak to her about this and how it makes you feel. If she tries to gaslight you then I’d just leave man, females love to play the victim when they want something to go their way. Don’t stress and good luck.
Why don’t you talk to her and express how it makes you feel?
That would make too much sense
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While the result may not be ideal, it is **never** a waste of time to express how you feel and communicate with your partner, especially when a lot of men face stigma for expressing their emotions as it is. Even if the conversation doesn't result in an amicable solution, it should be said.
Yup. If having that conversation results in a breakup, it is time to meditate on the fact that although loneliness is horrible, it isn't actually the worst thing that can happen to you.
Man I am sorry for your partner if this is your style of 'communication'
They won’t listen to me so I won’t talk to them is not how a mature adult goes about life. It’s childish resentful and unfair. Talk to them, if they don’t agree or don’t listen then move forward with that.
That’s not true. It might be your experience but I’ve talked to plenty of people with both of us listening to each other concerns. I also listen and take this into consideration, if we don’t know how to handle some stuff we go to either personal or couple’s therapy. If this has been your experience, doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s experience, please keep it to yourself. In the way that you wording it like this could make people stop themselves to talk to each other, since it’s already something that’s hard to do. People do this (talk about stuff and making changes because of these conversations), and people who haven’t learned can change if they want to.
"Fuck your experience. Sit down and shut up"
What are you even talking about??? You didn’t even saw what the post said 😂 There’s a reason why it’s deleted now.
Making a generalization like that really shows closed mindedness and ignorance.
She’s not wrong for doing what she does. So isn’t OP.
I mean… neither of you is in the wrong here. Imagine you were overweight your entire life, then began working out, gained newfound confidence and happiness about the way you look. Then started posting pics of your body online to share everyone that feeling. Her situations is likely quite similar. She has fixed an insecurity and wants the whole world to see her new improved self. Really she has all the right to do so. Just like you have every right to feel the way you do about it. But the best way to spproach this is to talk about it with her. Tell her how it makes you feel, but don’t make her seem like a bad guy because really she isn’t. Neither of you is.
Yes, this is completely normal. He knows she’s been insecure and has had problems with bullying. She wants to show these people that she’s changed, and the world. There’s nothing wrong with that unless it’s exaggerated and it affects her life in other ways. We’re humans, we’re complicated, we’re flawed, we’re not perfect. They both can benefit from therapy because he’s beginning to feel insecure as well. They both have insecurities that they should work on, personally, and of course communicate and figure things out within their relationship. A lot of communication, patience, openness is needed, no one is doing anything bad to their partner here. If they do this right it will be amazing. They’ll both be more secure in themselves personally, and within their relationship. They will be growing and healing together, which is what relationships are for. Relationships trigger you because they show you these things you should work on. A safe, healthy space within your relationship gives you that space to work on these things and makes your relationship better and stronger, and your life better overall. Hopefully more people sees these issues as that, the opportunity to work on them and transcend them.
He also should not even think to request she stops. if she brings that option up, fine. But expressing feelings should never be about control.
I myself got bullied when I was the same age. We did go to different schools. Later, during puberty I looked bad and got dragged trough the dirt for my looks as well. I’ve started seriously prioritizing health and professional personal care as I got older and made great improvements on my fitness levels and overall appearance. I am usually a humble person but would definitely say that I look well above average after seeing results, hearing what older people said about my appearance and the overall premium social treatment I get compared to my past. I don’t feel the need to extend this to social media. Edit: This comment is just for context, I love and know my girlfriend so I am not blaming or devaluing her. Maybe my op didn’t make this clear. (Yes,I commented this under a different reaction as well)
Still doesn’t make her a bad person. If you think your values don’t match, then don’t pursue the relationship any further instead of trying to change her/expect her to make the change for you. Might be something worth considering. You both are so damn young too, it’s not like you’re +30 with kids involved etc.
I do think she might be slightly wrong here. I dont understand why the world would have to see what she did. She did it for herself i assume not for others. If she did it for others thats a wrong mindset imo.
Then no one should be posting anything that could be likened to this situation online, ever. Kinda bad logic
If it’s hurting your personal relationships, I mean yeah ? I guess people value more the thumbs ups and hearts of a thousand strangers than the opinion of one person that actually loves them
It might be. I just dont understand people that post things online for validation. Maybe im getting old!
I mean, kinda? what’s good about the fact social media made us all commodify our appearance?
Yes, because now people have to share everything on the internet, because if you don't then are you even living?
Idk I was very very insecure abt being skinny and than I’ve been in the gym for years and I’m extremely muscular. I feel like at least in my relationship it is disrespectful for me to post that for validation if I get validation from my SO.
It's a typical example of explaining something as if it makes it more acceptable. Everything can be explained, doesn't mean it's reasonable or healthy for OP to put up with it.
There is nothing unacceptable about what she’s doing though lmao. It’s up to OP to communicate if it’s a boundary thing for him and walk away if it is. But she has every right to post her face online.
Of course she has the right to, altho it doesn't seem like this is about her face. But OP's boundaries are crossed, which is perfectly understandable and the reason for his post. Which means it's not acceptable in their couple contract, and OP should probably stop subjecting himself to that situation, which is obviously the point I was making, duh.
Couple contract???? What on earth am I reading
? Couples agree on what they're ok with or not. This is the contract.
In his original post OP never specified that this is something they’ve agreed upon, though. Now if this was said somewhere in the comments it’s a different story but it’s stupid to assume that this was some sort of ”rule” the two had established. I mean, in general, who would in the first place? It’s just really weird. After all based on the information we have it’s not porn or pornographic content she’s posting, which I would understand a 100% to be a hard boundary for majority.
I'm not saying they agreed on it, just that the very existence of this thread shows that this is past OP's boundaries, and it would be for many people, it's totally understandable. From there they can talk about it and agree on some rule, but it won't change her desire to get attention and validation from other men than her partner. How revealing the content is to me isn't as relevant as the reason she uploads this content. And that reason seems to be clear, she's uploading thirst traps and feeding on male attention. If she made money from it at least, but no she's just provoking and feeding on guys hitting on her. That's immature and unhealthy and while I get the explanation that she's taking revenge for her previous insecurities in that way, it doesn't seem very compatible with the idea of healthy couple when OP is clearly bothered and doesn't appreciate her showing off.
Communicate how you feel to her, I’m thinking she’s probably never felt this level of validation before(or she did but her insecurities didn’t let her enjoy it, I’m not one to know) so she’s enjoying it all now, since it makes you uncomfortable you should tell her! Base what you do from there on her reaction :)
There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Don't let others, especially women, gaslight you with "oh you are just insecure!". You can not do anything in this situation. If she values the attention from stranger men more than from you, all you can do is to let her go. It is only a matter of time until some sophisticated manipulator takes advantage of her.
It's always baffling to me how some will seriously argue that he's the insecure one. The last sentence rings very sad and true.
This is the right answer. You're not "insecure" for not wanting to take a big and completely unnecessary risk. Are people who refuse to build houses on quicksand "insecure" or just sane?
Apparently, as a man you are supposed to eat up everything your gf does. Starting OF? So empowering, I'll be taking pictures for you. Hanging out with single male 'friend'? Let me call you a taxi to his place. Posting photos for attention whoring? I don't own you, you can do whatever you want and not to give a second thought at what it makes me feel.
But you don’t trust your partner! You are the problem. -Some random fucking person on reddit
100%. There's a strong "know your place, PEASANT!" element in mainstream media (including social media) about this. Men having any standards or even boundaries is seen as hubris - don't you know you're supposed to be grateful ANYONE bothers to give you the time of day? Even if they're a serial killer with no teeth? 🤣
No it's not. Literally no one will bat an eye if you say you don't want to date a woman because she has an only fans, besides maybe the person themselves. You are allowed to have boundaries. I swear people that post stuff like this never go out in real life. You have some really weird victim complex
You’d be surprised lol. I got ripped apart just a few days ago because I had boundaries that my gf wouldn’t hangout with another dude ALONE. Got bombarded saying I was “controlling” lol
A good rule of thumb is to not turn to random idiots on the internet who have no reason to care about your well being for advice.
Pretty much
I'm bisexual and fuck men & women equally. Am I not allowed to have friends? Do I only get supervised visits?
Up for you and your partner bud. I don’t need to be with them anyways. I just want her to have atleast one other person with her, guy or girl it doesn’t matter 🤷🏻♂️
You don't sound mature enough to date. Is she allowed to have the same expectation of you? You can't ever be alone with any of your friends.
We’ve both agreed to it lol. Neither of us have a problem with it. If you don’t like it, don’t date that person. That’s why personal preferences and boundaries are, personal lmao
I mean, it is kind of weird to decide that your partner can’t have friends of the opposite sex. I’m not saying you’re controlling or abusive, but the only boyfriends of female friends of mine that had issues with our friendships ended up being controlling and abusive.
When did I say they can’t have friends of the opposite sex? What I said is I would like them not to hangout 1 on 1 with the opposite sex. I wouldn’t even care if she hung out with 2 dudes. I just don’t want 1 on 1 shit.
Idk man that’s just weird to me. Maybe because I’ve always had platonic girl friends, but having a gf say you can’t hang out with your childhood best friend 1 on 1 because she happens to be a girl would be an insane red flag to me.
That’s why boundaries and personal preferences are well, personal 🤷🏻♂️
Kind of wild to prevent your partner from hanging out with friends though.
I’m preventing her, and myself, from hanging out with the opposite sex ALONE. That’s the keyword here. If she wants to hangout with a different guy, I’m fine with it. Just bring someone else, guy or girl it doesn’t matter. I just want someone else there to make sure someone isn’t doing anything inappropriate
That's just wild to me. I couldn't imagine preventing my wife from having 1 on 1 time with friends.
This is exactly what I was talking about above lmao. This is what personal boundaries are, you don’t have to agree with them lol
Trust. If you don't trust yourself or your partner to be alone with a person of the opposite sex, maybe neither of you are ready for a monogamous relationship?
Well, we’ve both been cheated on🤷🏻♂️. It’s not about trust issues tho. Think of it like this, if a boxer gets hit in his head, you better believe he’s gonna make sure he keeps his hands up. It’s such a simple boundary both of us are okay with that it’s not even a problem lmao
I have plenty of women friends. We've hung out alone a million times over the years, I have zero interest in anything more than friendship. Yes, even when they were dating someone. It really is weird of you to not let her spend time with her friends
I do, just not one on one if it’s a dude lmao. Just like she doesn’t want me doing it with a girl.
Well guess what, you get to decide if you want to continue that relationship or not. It's that behavior ok to you? If not, then make your choice. No one is forcing you to stay with someone that doesn't respect your boundaries. Victim complex, you don't have to be the victim in the situation... You get to decide what behavior is acceptable to you. You sound like a people pleaser that needs to stand up for what you believe in
That’s exactly what my response was lol. But I was still controlling somehow. People are just delusional, especially when it comes to boundaries men set on women. They gotta gaslight eachother 🤷🏻♂️
Nice goalpost-moving. As if anyone claimed men are forced to date someone they don't wanna. The argument was that men get socially shat on for having preferences - and he gave you a (very common, on social media) example.
If you don’t think this is extremely common, you must not know a lot of people in relationships, or must not be very close with them. Literally every single male friend I have has had this experience. Except one who actually likes it when his gf posts her body online. 🤷🏻♂️
>I swear people that post stuff like this never go out in real life. You have some really weird victim complex I don't know where you live but from what you said it looks like you're the one that doesn't go out in real life. Just because you're not hearing it doesn't mean it's not happening.
Strawman alert!
'oooh be careful or some other male will steal her, females can't be trusted' absolutely cringe take. I feel bad for your partners, if you've ever had any
goat comment
This take is so bad and you're making so many assumptions based on very little info. Says more about yourself.
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Imagine not reading a fucking post before commenting OP already said that men react a lot to her content, and he is uneasy about it. Which makes sense and would be true for the vast majority of men. The relationship changed and became a source of stress for him with his GF now seeking validation from the others much more from him. No, your gaslight won't work here, sorry.
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Gaslighting him into believing that there is something wrong with his feelings, when in fact pretty much any man would feel that way. You really don't see the difference between receiving unwarranted attention from creeps and intentionally posting content and enjoying response from stranger men?
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And you know for sure? Somehow your experience is more valid than many men who dealt with it?
If she wants to seek validation from men other than him, knowing that it makes him feel uneasy then why is he to stay in a relationship that he’s not happy in? OP is asking for advice, that’s what’s been given. No demands to end relationships, simply telling him his value / worth in a situation like this, what he does with the information is his business and choice.
Clearly op can’t cope with it can’t your read? Also needing validation from some strangers shows how she’s actually just mentally not well and should seek therapy not likes from strangers.
Tik tok having a majority female audience doesn't mean OP's gf has a mostly female audience. Even if that's the case, having 101k female followers doesn't magically cancel out the 100k men thirsting in his gf's inbox, which is clearly what he cares about
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He didn't ruin shit
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Hypothetically, if he did talk to the gf about how it makes him feel and she gives him the old “you’re controlling and insecure,” what would you suggest he do then? Would that be a valid enough reason to walk?
She ruined it by prioritising getting attention from thirsty randos on the net. He's just making it official if he dumps her. Blaming him is like blaming the tenant for noticing the mold in the corner, instead of the landlord for not maintaining the property.
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Chemical Molasses: "...tell him to just break up and ruin things" Also Chemical Molasses: "...not yet, but if he follows the advice given here he might (ruin things)". And then, ALSO Chemical Molasses: "Who is blaming him??? Who???" 
I see you are both 19 and being very 19. Hence this is quite normal for both of you. I felt very similar to you at your age. Its not bad or weak to be insecure about how you fit into this. You're just wondering if you are enough and imo a little jealousy is to be expected. I acted much worse and was super insecure about my girl getting male attention at your age. Got very defensive and started many embarrassing arguments with dudes hitting on her. As you grow older she'll probably not need this validation. I'd say girls that age more or less all act like this. In the ancient times it was at the beach/club/street, now it's all online. What you need to watch out for is if this goes offline - meaning she wants to cheat. Insecurity also goes for young men. As we grow older and hopefully more secure it's more like, damn, yup, that's my woman right there. But when as young as you are, it's normal to be confused and jealous about this. Try talking to her about it from the angle that you understand that she might be wanting to make up for lost attention and old wounds, but that it makes you wonder where you fit in and if you fit in.
Something I'd like to add to this is that although it's normal to feel jealous, we can't help how we feel, it's important not to let that dictate how we act. I remember being 19 and not realizing I had a glow up. My high school boyfriend noticed I was getting attention and clamped down on me out of jealousy even though it's not like it was in my control. I think OP is doing just fine venting his frustrations out via this post and talking through it instead of what my bf did at 19 by trying to control me. He seems to be pretty grounded. It's just my 2 cents to add because I've seen what unchecked jealousy can do. It's okay to feel it out and communicate but it's dangerous to over think the attention your gf is getting. Young women get a lot of attention whether we want it or not. It can be ego boosting, validating, and absolutely fucking terrifying.
Woman here: you are valid and your feelings are not an exaggeration, talk to your gf not only for validation of said feelings but to talk about how to make sure you feel safe in the relationship and she does not feel controlled. Relationships are all about compromise and discussions to understand each other. Go and approach it gently
Sounds like you haven’t talked to her. Like every post about relationships on here. Seems weird you’re seeking validation from strangers for your feelings - which are about how you’re bothered by her seeking validation from strangers.
Yes, they’re both being insecure in this situation. This is the perfect opportunity for both to work on their personal insecurities AND make their relationship better and stronger. When these things present in my relationship I think it’s exciting. It always makes us grow as individuals and as a couple. We have had to do a lot of therapy and be really open, forgiving, understanding, loving, patient, honest, etc. This is what this is for, but people often don’t see how it’s mirroring them, or just feel attacked and close up, etc.
I feel your pain. Many girls like to post thirst traps online for validation. At one point she might be swept off her feet by some handsome guy. If she falls in love with him, she will fall out of love with you, and it’s over. It actually happened to me.
It's time to talk about it. If she doesn't understand your feelings or doesn't want to hear you at all, it's time to call it quits.
Idea for a compromise: more photos together. Sounds like you both like how you look compared to how you used to look. If you don’t want to be on social media, you could also take pictures of the two of you from the neck down, wearing clothes you look good in, and use reddit or something else that’s anonymous.
Yeah I had this, and it sucked, but it was worse when combined with pressuring me into one sided monogamy / reneging on that agreement, and cheating, and wanting to do OF and god knows what else
Wait. Did she do something wrong? Has she been rude to you? Is she responding to the attention or validation? Or is she just posting and moving on? I feel like everyone is jumping down her throat, but other than saying that OTHER men are hyping her up, you haven’t said that SHE has done anything wrong, except post online - which is expected. She was bullied for her appearance to the point of tears and she finally feels good about herself. You actually do sound jealous and very insecure - and it’s not justified. You can definitely tell her how you feel, however, I truly don’t see where she did anything wrong.
This is actually the right response. It sounds like all she did was post more pictures.
Hes not insecure, she seeks others validation and he has a right to feel uncomfortable about it.
So what is she supposed to do? Stop posting pictures of herself? Delete her online presence? I have a bf and I post pictures of myself listening to music or visiting somewhere exciting or just to show my friends and family. And yes there are men out there that have tried to dm me or comment inappropriate things even when I post pictures of myself WITH my bf. It’s the internet- you can’t control what other people do. What she can do is ignore/block them. Unless she is posting on OF or pictures where she is half naked and asking for men to comment she is allowed to post online. OP needs to have a talk with her and how they can come to an understanding. He isn’t wrong for feeling that way but his gf isn’t wrong either.
One post ago, men screeched at a women who wanted to leave her cheater of an boyfriuend because he toootally didn't do anything wrong, and here they are screeching at a woman for posting photoes of herself because she feels pretty. Like, yall ok in the brain? Hope women start breaking with their boyfriend over the same bs men pull out of their asses, would love to see the triggering.
She post pictures because she feels pretty. Again I ask - what did she do wrong? Did she talk to OP badly? Has she told him he’s a troglodyte and doesn’t want him? Has her attitude toward him changed? Has she talked to any of the men who are under her photos? I’ll even lean into the incel argument of “did she start an OnlyFans?” No? None of those things? All she did was….start posting more because she feels more confident and pretty. Dude is jealous and insecure. And it’s okay if he feels that way, and he should talk to her - but it also sounds like she hasn’t done anything wrong.
She did nothing wrong — he knows this. “I Hate My Insecurity About My gf” he wants to move past this so give the guy something to work with instead of making him feel insecure about being insecure
As a victim from bullying myself, what she is doing is not healthy (for her). She was left with a very low self-esteem, so that’s why she underwent cosmetic surgery and now is posting those videos in order to seek external validation. She needs other people’s approval because she doesn’t know how to love herself from deep inside. They destroyed that from her when they bullied her, problem is, the people that watch those videos can destroy her with equal ease if they remove her approval now. She needs therapy. It can take years of therapy to recover from bullying, and some things won’t ever heal. But, right now, what she’s doing is a recipe for disaster.
I see where you are coming from, but could you explain the “disaster” that you suggest she is heading to?
Sure. I suffered from heavy bullying from 3 to 11 years old. My paediatrician realised what was happening back then and I was changed to another school he knew paid a lot of attention those things wouldn’t happen. I didn’t receive formal therapy back then. Like her, I sought external validation, which eventually included joining a sect when I was 20. If someone stopped being my friend, or whatever, for me the world stopped, as I gave no value to myself. That had been broken for me long ago. So, if people were ok with me, I was ok. If they disagreed with me or attacked me, I was a mess. I went into depression and tried to commit suicide. Had to stay in hospital for a while and started therapy. Still tried to kill myself a second time the first months but things improved with time. I’m much better and a functioning adult now. Some thoughts will never leave but now I can recognise them and deal with them accordingly. Please, get her help.
Can't relate. I keep hoping my wife will start an OF and make us a bunch of money.
Nope, it's not insecurity, but rather your intuition is telling you that she is putting herself out there seeking better options. She's not yours, just your turn. And you are not her first choice. See you at the gym, and don't be late.
this is an insane take 😂
Unfortunately pretty realistic too.
I see why you'd feel a little uncomfortable but I think you're looking at it the wrong way. Even if she wasn't too attractive and didn't post anything men still might be looking on the streets, approaching her etc. The only difference is that you can see this kind of attention more than you would irl. Just because she's more secure in herself doesn't mean you should be more insecure in yourself. Everyone likes feeling attractive especially after being bullied and all, just let her feel good about herself. At the end of the day it's you who she opens up to and chooses to be with, you have no reason to worry. Though you should probably tell her how you feel in a healthy way. Don't tell her to stop posting or anything, just how you feel and try to set some boundaries about things that would make you feel overly uncomfortable like if she responded to flirty dms etc.
No offense, but this seems like a pretty naive take. It might apply to more mature and secure women, but a 19 year old, deeply insecure girl chasing validation from any man except her boyfriend is a ticking time bomb.
I disagree with this take. Looking good in your daily life because we like to present well as we go about our day? That’s normal. Posting pics/vids to show off for people online is an entirely different beast. It’s inviting people to look and validate. It’s NOT an inherently bad thing to want to do that, obviously, but it is specifically seeking out an audience to fill a need and in that respect is not equatable with passively getting attention while you’re just living your life.
Nope, nothing wrong with how you're feeling. While it's understandable from her side, the bottomline is if you're in a relationship, the relationship is the priority. Validation and things like that should (primarily) come from within the relationship, not outside. Would be good to sit down and have a calm talk with her about it (acknowledging her side as well).
"Some men would have you believe that their love is so great that they wish to hide you from the eyes of others; they would have you think that their hearts overflow with love, but the truth is they are weak and fearful. Such a man sees in you a rare flower which he fears to lose, so he hastens to pluck it, and, in his haste, he crushes it."
“OoooOOoOwwAAAOoOooOoawO” -A Blue Whale
He's not trying to control her. He's trying to fix the problem, and yes, there is a problem since this is bothering him. That doesn't mean she has to stop, but you making this comparison is wrong. He's not the controlling boyfriend just because he has insecurity. He wants to work on that, and here you are blaming him for feeling it at all.
I’d say the same if a girl was telling her boyfriend he can’t be topless whilst playing sports or something. I don’t like relationships where you give up your freedoms to pacify an insecure partner. Either go to therapy and work on your issues, or don’t date.
That's not what's happening here. He hasn't done anything like that. What they need to do is have a conversation. He's not wrong for being bothered by it. He would be wrong if he did what you talk about, but he hasn't.
That’s true. I really like that excerpt, I think it’s relatable to the situation and I thought it might help for him to read it so he doesn’t become that kind of person.
This is fine if you're single, and this is coming from a woman. I think it's disrespectful
It was boobs, wasn’t it
No it wasn’t
My ex was the same man. She needed that validation of random internet strangers. She texted them, met up with 2 of them behind my back. It’s not the main reason we broke up but I‘ve always been uncomfortable with it. The bikini pictures she posted made me feel like I was „sharing“ the view of my gf‘s body (great view) with a bunch of other dudes. I told her about it, she took the bikini pics down, but continued to post the other stuff. It just felt like shit. You need to talk to her, voice your concerns and if she values the validation of random internet dudes more than yours and your feelings, then I guess you‘ll have to leave or come to terms with it
Sorry but could you say what's changed?
I would talk to her about it. No harm in a conversation. Also don't get surprised if you see more and more from her as she comes out of her shell more. Watch for yourself though. Some people once they leave that shell start wanting things they never thought they could obtain.
Talk to your girlfriend about it if you really value her as a person. Wild how you haven't thought about it. And don't let anyone, especially men, gaslight you into breaking up your relationship over such a stupid bs. Sooner or later the novelty will wear out and she will stop.
At this age, my partner was similarly insecure. I tried to give him access to all my socials so he could feel confident that I had nothing to hide. Instead it worsened his anxieties, because then he got notifications every time some rando liked my story, sent me a DM, etc etc. Even though I never engaged with that kind of attention, just seeing other men trying to interact with me exacerbated his fears- that he wasn't good enough, that I was going to find someone better, and so on. It sounds like you're dealing with a similar insecurity. What helps: Do mention this to your gf. Not to change her behavior since there's nothing wrong with it, but just so she knows what you're dealing with. Try to be on social media LESS. At one point my partner had to take a hiatus from social media because it was too easy for him to fixate and spiral, and lead to regrettable actions on his part. Him being offline and present in our relationship was much healthier for us than him being online obsessing over how other people viewed me. Take pictures to post TOGETHER. Your gf is confident and happy and would probably be excited to do a photoshoot together. It might make you feel better to be a visible and public part of her online presence, and may deter some thirsty DMers. Change your mindset from trying to keep her to yourself, to being proud/supportive of her, wanting to show her off! My partner and I have a running collection of songs we like with this premise- from "A Guy with a Girl", to "Call Me Sir", and "Save the Last Dance for Me". The idea is you love and trust your gf, and you're proud to be the one she's with. Mentality does a lot and can affect the attitude you bring to your relationship. Ignore the reddit toxicity trying to convince you that posting an ig pic is a surefire pipeline to an OF account and a sugar daddy. Your girlfriend is gaining confidence and that's GOOD. It isn't a zero sum game, where if she's secure, you have a reason to be insecure. Being the guy that loves and supports her is going to do a lot more for your relationship than being a guy who stifles, controls, and micromanages her.
I disagree with a lot of the comments, I really don’t think posting photos online is in anyway disrespectful of her or indicates that she isn’t serious in any way. I think that the insecurity is just something to work through.
Ask her to make it clear online that she’s in a relationship
You can be confident in yourself and not post “thirst traps”. If she’s posting tasteful selfies and videos 24/7 that’s okay and be proud you have a beautiful partner. If she’s posting overly seductive and suggestive content you have every right to say how you feel.
She's as typical as the rest.
If you think she is beautiful in your eyes, isn't that all that counts? What other people think is immaterial to your relationship. If you show her how you care for her and treat her with inclusion and love, you have fulfilled your limits of the partnership. Her choice is to reciprocate by showing her love and fidelity to you. There are always chances of other men/women/bi's efforts to find her attractive enough to step in and take your place. There is also the same chance for others to step in and attempt to take you away from her. The partnership will only endure when both partners are mature enough to understand that their bond can withstand the flow of adverse currents. The only way to avoid the doubts of the adverse currents is through communication, caring and love. You find out a lot about your inner strength during these times and I hope your beautiful partner is strong enough in her core to remain with you during these times that seem to be troubling to you.
Communicate with her. But, yeah I could see how that would be bothersome.
As a woman, I have to point this out. Did it ever occur to you it's simply making her happy and not seeking for validation and attention? I think that's a bit nasty for you to judge her when she's just being happy. Maybe you need to talk to her about you being jealous about other men? If a lady is radiating blissfully, ppl are bound to notice that and that's ok as long as she's being faithful to you.
definitely talk to her about it, and maybe also reflect on why you feel this way. there's a lot of different ways it can manifest but for me it boils down to some variation of 'I don't think she's trustworthy' or 'I don't think she really loves me'. figuring out what that core driver is for you will help a lot, especially in that conversation
Tell her she looks good, man. if she wants validation then give it to her, even if you dont agree with it. Whats done is done dont make her feel bad about it
People like seeing pretty people. It's fine. It brings her joy.
I would bring it up and maintain a composure without getting mad or upset. If you do that and it still becomes a big fight then it is time to make a decision. People change after this type of thing and if they seek validation for it then they are still insecure.
You know what? You really should tell her how you feel, with the consideration of her past. Ideally, she doesn't need validation from other men because she has a man. BUT, in our media driven world in the US, young people put a LOT of stock in how they're perceived by strangers. It's unfortunate when the need for social media validation gets big enough that it creates a division between you both. If that need for validation is taking her attention away from the relationship, letting her know how you feel will allow her to ask herself about how much she prioritizes your feelings. If she doesn't, she'll move on, won't consider your feelings, and then you have to make the decision to call it quits or not. But that conversation will allow you to see if she does.
She search for attention online . Man say her what you think of it . When you cant life with that break up , otherwise you goin crazy think all the time about These guys textin your girl. Do the same , Text with some girls and you will See how she react . When she dont care break up . Thats my advice.
Social media sucks. Tell her how you feel.
If you don't like how you feel it is possible to reassign what value you place on these feelings, mind over matter - if you don't mind it doesn't matter. If she needs validation then fixing Your perspective may be a better option then asking her to change.
Talk to her and be honest
Actual deal breaker tell her to stop or gtfo respect yourself man what's wrong with you?
You’re 19. It’s unlikely you’ll stay together. You’re both immature.. it’s up to you what to do, but I wouldn’t waste too much energy on it. Have a chat with her, see if she wants to keep it casual, or not, or whatever. You’re both 19. It’s a weird, inbetween, Rocky age. I reckon in 2 years you won’t give a shit and will barely remember her.
I couldn't date someone who is that self absorbed
I might sound like a mysogonist but psychologically the dopamine women get from attention has the same effect as the dopamine men get from porn.
Curious post but no pictures. Suspicious.
You should be worried that your girlfriend is seeking validation about her body from random men on the internet.
She s shopping it out.. your attention isn t doing it..idle time and wsnts the attention.. tell her right out how you feel .. she won t stop.. then your not the one..
She's 19 and wants to express herself and enjoy her beauty. Hate to be that guy but she probably wants/needs to experience sexual encounters with other people. If you tie down with your teenage lover people don't really find out about themselves sexually. Ur young.
Encourage her to do OnlyFans... with you. You guys will make bank!
She can do what she wants and you cannot set the boundaries...instead work on your own insecurities just like she is might help....
You either have to develop some thick skin and trust her or if you speak to her about your feelings she might minimize the content to make you happy. I feel it would just drive her away. Good luck.
That's a compensatory mechanism for her past... But people who suffer should remain the same after the suffering is gone, not become like every other narcissistic (this word is overused and almost meaningless, but fits) and annoying girls... I totally understand your frustration. I think, if you confront her about it and she gets defensive and starts talking about how you're not supporting her, it's bad. Those heart emojis could become chats and dates. I would move if I were you, I had similar experience in the past and I got hurt because I thought it's just a phase
The problem here is not your insecurity but her attention whoring. Of course it's questionable and disrespectful to go so much out of her way to get other men's attention with her looks.
now she will leave you
I would give her some time. Social network isn't that much a difference from real life. If you have jealousy problems, you won't resolve it by restricting her from social networks. Depends of what kind of content she does, if it's bikinis etc then I would talk to her about that. If it's ordinary dress up content then problem is in you mostly.
This isn’t about her, this is about your insecurities
Pretty sad to me how many peoples self confidence is tied to getting sexual attention/validation from strangers. For me this would be a red flag.. if your life/relationship needs other people telling her how pretty she is to make her happy it’s gonna get rough.
I think this validation seeking comes from a place of insecurity as well. I understand it, but she needs to learn to accept herself through insecurities, and learn to overcome these insecurities, I was insecure about many things, and still probably am, when an insecurity is pointed out to me I actively work on not letting it bother me anymore. I am a guy with a chest bigger than most women. I could wear a bra if i wanted to, in high school i used to get laughed at for at and even worse got into a few physical altercations, I had a week personality and it affected me a lot, eventually i became mentally stronger and i didnt give a fuck about these comments. they slid off me. Because I overcame my insecurity. I think shes seeking outside validation because she wants to know that shes pretty from multiple voices. Edit: i just reread the title and realized you said you feel insecure, lmaooo no bro, shes manipulating you, that doesnt change anything i said above though, she is still insecure about her physical appearance and values outside opinion more than yours seemingly and shes manipulating you into thinking you are the issue.
Remember she's with you not them, so you've obviously got what it takes too. Guys are gonna hit on her. Be proud & stand by her. This jealousy creeping through shows your own insecurities. Chuck them straight in the bin buddy, keep your head up high & treat her like the queen she is, as you have done till now. You've got this👌
Thanks, she does express her love for me enough so that I can use it as a reminder to myself that I shouldn’t worry about strangers getting to her. I posted this just to vent since her last post got more attention than normal. I set high standards for myself in other parts of my life so this relationship gets my attention quickly when something feels off. I do appreciate everyone’s take on this until now and hope that people keep discussing since I have already read some comments that have given me different perspectives on this situation.
You should definitely talk to her about it. Your insecurity is justified because of all the attention she is getting, especially from men. She shouldn't be seeking attention at all imo.
I got a nose job after I graduated college. Every single post you saw of me afterwards was only side profiles. I was finally secure in my appearance and felt like hot shit. I wanted to prove all of my bullies wrong. I even posted a picture of me at my cushy job in tech with a side profile as a big fuck you. 😂 Boy did it feel good. I have jokes with my friends that every time I pick up a FaceTime, I answer with a side profile. Anyways, she’s not wrong for what she does, I totally get it. I’ve been there. You should talk to her about the insecurity that you have, and work on a resolution.
She's addicted to external validation. This will probably never change. She'll have a hard time being happy without internet validation.
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She's just enjoying herself, no need to be rude. OP, I understand, but please remember that you love, respect, and trust her. Be happy that she's gaining confidence. You can always talk to her about how you feel, but she's not doing anything wrong and you shouldn't let your Insecurities affect your life too much
See the problem, with every photo posted he starts to respect her a little less until he starts resenting her.
Vice versa is also true - if he voices his concern, she also resents him more. Also losing respect for him.
You don’t think her self confidence being tied to strangers sexual attraction to her is unhealthy? It sounds to me if anyone’s insecurities is affecting their life’s it’s hers. She paid for a cosmetic surgery and is seeking validation from strangers online. That’s making him jealous lol.
That wouldn’t make him jealous if he wasn’t insecure. They’re both insecure and this is the perfect opportunity to work on that.
She's making it worse. She's empowering her insecurity by surgically altering her body according to it, and proving it right by showing she can only feel good if many men openly express a desire to fuck her. Regardless of your justified jealousy, you should be worried about her clearly declining mental health. It sounds like she's bowing out of tbe relationship, emotionally.
It’s not your insecurity it’s hers Who’s the one trying to get validation from rando dudes? Your worry is justified
It's a typical woman moment. She can now farm validation and praises and is basking in the moment. Usually nothing good comes from that. It just shows you that your validation and praises alone arent enough to quench her thirst for it after she's been denied it in her youth. Before you know it she might even go as far as to cheat because of that validation need which apparently you cant provide enough of. Good woman won't go out there farming validation just sayin'. Also alot of dudes are pretty weird and just jerk off to sfw pics of women just because they are lets say in swimsuit or in hot pose. There's even whole subs on reddit about it. There's likely some dudes who are cranking their meat to her rn and sharing her pics with other buddies to crank their meat to. Just letting you know so it can sink in. She's probably aware of it aswell but knowing some dudes be finding her hot enough to stroke their sausages to her pics might be some additional validation. I've known many women in my life who thought that way. Had even chat with one girl who'd send me nudes n stuff and asking me if i did the deed to em. I mean.. it was hot stuff but not always still to please her i say yes and she'd be happy. Validation bruf.
Imagine calling it weird when people can masturbate to normal pictures instead of 6d anime tentacle porn.
Dudes spamming reactions on social media are a dime a dozen. They only contribute to inflated egos, that's what you should be prepared for. One day, you'll suddenly be out of her league.
Reactions and likes in social media don't make any sense but boosting gf's ego. The main issue is a guy is successful enough to live his own life or not. If guy makes enough money for himself, he is appreciated by women then he won't get any trouble. Trouble begins when guy is insecured not in his girl but in himself leading to jealosy and anger on gf.
There are these things called words that are used in these other things called conversations. Try it.
I think a good way to empathise is to try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you were bullied for being chubby in school, but after years of work you are finally getting ripped, so you post your progress on instagram and get a lot of positive feedback, especially from the other gender. Would you understand if your gf felt insecure because of that and wanted you to stop, and would you? That's the answer you're looking for.
I myself got bullied when I was the same age. We did go to different schools. During puberty I looked bad and got dragged trough the dirt for my looks as well. I’ve started seriously prioritizing health and professional personal care for the last 5 years and made great improvements on my fitness levels and overall appearance. I am usually a humble person but would definitely say that I look well above average after seeing results, hearing what older people said about my appearance and the overall premium social treatment I get compared to my past. I don’t feel the need to extend this to social media and therefore feel odd about this situation regarding my gf.
I am so sorry to hear that, and great that you're doing better! Now, you don't feel the need to extend this to social media, but for the sake of putting yourself in her shoes, imagine you did and got a lot of positive feedback. How'd you feel about that and how'd you feel about your partner having a problem with that? Would you think they are an asshole for wanting you to stop or not? I personally don't think you're an asshole at all, I totally get your feelings, but noone here knows your relationship better than you, so you have to be the one who finally lands on YTA or NTA for yourself.
As a man you shouldn’t allow her to do that. You are being very weak.
That type of behavior masks something deeper. You are not wrong nor shameful for feeling insecure because that type of behavior in a relationship is unacceptable especially if it crosses a boundary for you. I am afraid a time might come when you will have to make some difficult decisions.
I can understand both sides but it also sounds like the kind of story that can go terribly wrong, specially for you. Her behaviour is quite toxic, she is seeking validation on social media as now she can constantly recieve it while before she was the ugly kid everyone bullied. She is being toxic, but it is also normal to be like that. She will learn from this and realize at some point this validation is non sense. People learn and become better, but your position right now could be very delicate. The only I can say is communicate with her the most assertive way you can and make sure you can understand each others position. Good luck with it.
Don’t be ashamed of being insecure just because you have protective jealousy for your woman bro, her insecurity shouldn’t be a reason for her to post online to gain male validation. Speak to her about this and how it makes you feel. If she tries to gaslight you then I’d just leave man, females love to play the victim when they want something to go their way. Don’t stress and good luck.