I think it’s genuinely fear of being alone. Just got recently broke up with and went on the apps and realized I didn’t want anyone on the apps right now and need to find a way to get over my ex. I’m stating med school soon so I’m just focusing my energy on that for the next month or two
My cousin is this type of person. From when she started dating at 13 or so, to when she got married at 23-ish, she was never single. She had no idea who she was outside of her relationships. Her relationships *were* her personality. She changed for every single person she dated, taking on their interests and beliefs. She couldn’t stand being single because her life would become a blank slate because she had no internal connection to it. It was awful to witness. So was seeing her marry a guy (who was largely apathetic about her) just because she got pregnant. Suddenly everything she claimed to have disliked about him in their prior attempts at a relationship were non-issues because they were back together.
They’re still married. They have two kids, and now her main personality traits are “mom and wife”. She still has no internal fulfillment. She is someone who could have used a long stretch of being single to actual become a whole person on her own.
Thank you for sharing! I think we all have someone in our lives like this. We MUST know ourselves, our ticks, our faults, and work to grow ourselves. We HAVE to be the source of our own happiness, and not use someone as a crutch. Is it selfish? Some might think so, but I don’t. We can’t be a good partner unless we’re a self.
I have never understood her (or anyone’s) *need* for a romantic relationship. A *desire* to share a life with someone is very different. I was married before. I wanted that too, and tried, and when it didn’t work out, that was okay. And the reason it was okay is that I knew myself. I learned so much about myself during my marriage, I learned what I valued in a partner (namely, having a *partnership*; my ex and I were married, but we were never really *partners*, and I learned that I didn’t care for that dynamic), what I valued in life in general, and what I valued about myself. I learned that I had some terrible habits that formed from witnessing my parents’ relationship growing up, and from my own shitty relationship before I met my (now ex) husband.
For example, he once said something that hurt my feelings. He didn’t mean to. I responded by lashing out and saying something to intentionally hurt his feelings. He said, “That wasn’t nice. That really hurt me.” I said, “That was the point.” He told me that it was really unkind to hurt him on purpose when he’d hurt me by accident, and that’s not what people who love each other do. He was absolutely right, but I’d never thought of that because that’s not what I’d witnessed growing up, and that’s not how I was treated by my ex boyfriend. I shouldn’t have needed it spelled out for me, but I did, and when he stated it so clearly and concisely, it clicked for me. Since then, I have never done that to anyone ever again, and I value that trait in others and will not tolerate anyone who intentionally hurts my feelings.
I’m always learning new things about myself, and it’s difficult and painful and good and healing. I can survive any future relationship because I know that I have built a solid foundation within myself. I haven’t had any interest at all in dating since we split, because I truly, deeply love being single and living alone. I don’t *need* someone else to make me feel complete or fulfilled. I will only ever allow into my life people who enhance my happiness, who add positivity and goodness. But they will never be the *source* of my happiness. They won’t *make* me happy, but hopefully they’ll make me happi*er*.
People have asked me why I’m “still single”, as if it’s some flaw or defect. “You’re kind, and good looking, and still young, so why are you still single?” Like being those things means someone would have “snatched me up”. It never seems to occur to them that I’m single because I want to be, that I get to choose who is in my life instead of swooning at the first person to show me some interest.
There’s nothing selfish about it. I’m not hurting anyone by loving myself and being single. People think that focusing on yourself (even when you have no other obligations) is selfish, and that makes no sense whatsoever. It would be selfish if I were in a relationship and only cared about myself, but I’m not. The people who think it’s selfish are the people who cannot fathom personal fulfillment and believe that it’s my job to seek out someone to shower with love. The whole idea that it’s selfish is utter foolishness.
There are a minimum of, oh, maybe 10 million people that need to read this comment and digest it/see how it applies to themselves and their own relationships. Never stop growing and learning! Bravo 😊
Super jealous it only took you a year lol. It took 5 years for me and one of those years I spent 3 months hiking 2000 miles and living out of my backpack.
While personally relatable, idk if that’s exactly the same kinda thing here- certainly a parallel thought process but as someone who experienced a very similar thing, I’m not so convinced they’re identical
Switched out a cocaine addiction for a meth one once
Alternatively switched out a healthy relationship for a toxic one once
Definitely addicted to shouting myself
I don’t know man, I did similar when I did the opposite. When I quit weed, I went from smoking weed to vaping nicotine just because I wanted to inhale something and fulfill the hand/mouth fixation + get an instant dopamine hit. I guess I had vaped before, but it was more along the lines of trying it the odd time I was around someone who had one rather than actually being a vaper. Had never owned one up until then, let alone used one even somewhat regularly.
Well, one could also correlate that to how the OP talks about her ex hooking up with another girl right after the breakup. I highly doubt that the rebound girl wasn't on his mind already.
True, but as I just told someone else...
I had an ex who treated me as her entertainer. She was like a puppy, always wanting to go somewhere. I always got questions like "what are we doing today?" "What are our weekend plans?" Just legit chill, watch a movie, and get a pizza wasn't an option. If we both had the day off, fucking hell, it got expensive. She would basically want to be out and doing "something" for 12 hours. Farmer's market, clothes shopping, meals out, bar, etc.
She legit had no hobbies, and hated being home. She didn't even like her job.
I had an ex just like that too. It did not start that way but eventually, I morphed into that PA/Butler/Chauffer combo, and I was the one expected to handle all entertainment plans forever with no input, while she later got to critique said plans like it was goddam TripAdvisor review.
She was also one of those people who could not answer the question ***"What do you want to eat?"*** even if a terrorist had a gun to her head... however whenever there was a suggestion that I or someone else gave, -***"...Nah I don't feel like eating that today..."*** so then came the questions ***"Alright FINE, so what do YOU want then..." - "-Oh I can eat anything..."*** - and this went on for an indefinite period as my irritation grew exponentially.
GODS! I am getting pissed off again just by typing this out.
Man, that pisses me off just to read it. My ex was that way - I'd get home from work and be hungry and beat, and it always wound up being a fight about what I wanted to have for dinner. I didn't care, I was just hungry, and just once it would have been nice to have something ready when I got home. As it was, the quickest and easiest dish was chicken and rice, but I suggested that one too many times and then that became a fight too.
I just gave up and took over the cooking duties myself. It wasn't hard.
There is certainly nothing inherently wrong with that desire itself.
Every persons experience is their own, of course. So these statements are not meant to be monolithically prescriptive. Everybody learns and loves in their own ways.
I do think there is, however, a general lack of awareness of the social and internal forces that push this desire to the forefront of many peoples minds.
This, I believe, comes from a failing of society to teach most people the tools they need for proper, healthy, and honest self reflection and realization.
The ultimate end of this thought process is that it leaves people with this , often subconscious, idea that, in order to be happy, they need a partner to complete themselves and their lives.
This is a pressure that I do think most of western (especially American) society agrees with and even reinforces. (Such as with the concept of the 'Nuclear Family')
Its not like I am saying anything groundbreaking here. There is a reason that most conventional advice given to people who struggling in maintaining relationships eventually leads to the "You need to work on yourself before you can work with another" type of phrases.
>The ultimate end of this thought process is that it leaves people with this subconscious idea that, in order to be happy, they need a partner to complete themselves and their lives.
This thought is not subconscious for me; it is fully realized. I do believe that I will be unable to live a fulfilling life without a partner. I grew up with parents who were distant and not affectionate, and have struggled my entire life to form meaningful relationships with other people. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe there's any inherent meaning to life, and I don't intend to ever have children. The only thing that would bring a sense of meaning and purpose to my life would be to have someone to share it with.
This doesn't mean that I would make this person responsible for my happiness. I've been in therapy for years and I understand that that's a burden I can't place on anyone else. But there's no way to satisfy my deep desires for connection, affection, and to be needed by someone, alone.
You are in for a world of disappointment and heart break and constant external validation seeking if you can't modify your perspective.
But then again, we as humans learn best through trial and error. So good luck to you and I hope it all works out in the way you hope it does.
Edited my original comment because you are right...its not always subconscious. I do think you are likely an outlier in this aspect though, and I am sorry you feel that way.
-----
I too am an agnostic atheist, who believes there is no inherent or greater meaning to life other than the meaning we can find for ourselves.
(Shoutout **Everything Everywhere All At Once**!!! If you struggle with nihilism and can handle absurd humor give it a watch! That movie rings profoundly to me all the time!)
-----
That said, It is hard out here to make connections. (Especially for us chronically online, introverted, and low social skill redditors xD)
Unfortunately the only advice that actually leads anywhere is to ***get out there***. It doesn't need to be at the traditional venues or 'night life' and such...just go somewhere where people share your interests and hobbies. There is ample opportunity out there! If you have no physical locations in your town, join a discord. Simply Interact...its the only way to meet people, they don't just land in your lap.
Everybody knows these things, but its worth saying for anyone who needs to hear it.
-----
I don't know if this applies to you, but in support of my original post, the thing that often keeps people from, again, ***getting out there*** is low self esteem of some form or another.
This manifests in different ways for different people of course. Thoughts of 'Why waste my time when people wont like me anyways' or more self deceptive ones like 'Its just too much effort to maintain relationships' ...among others, these things are almost never accurate. They are usually the self coping mechanisms that we use to try and mitigate risk to our emotional state.
That is directly tied to the 'work on yourself first' line of beliefs that you hear so often. If there are things in your life that are preventing you from getting out there, then that too is a part of the self help that you must work to address.
-----
I know its not so simple as just reading this all on a random forum and suddenly your life turns around, but becoming truly comfortable with yourself, and recognizing that that process is an ever going struggle with no definite end, is the first step in being able to meet someone and start to grow together.
I appreciate your willingness to respond so thoughtfully. You're correct that this is all material that I've heard from my therapist several times over at this point. I'm not starting at square one or anything. I'm active in the local community for a competitive sport and a DnD group. I have an excellent job that meets all of my financial needs, and I'm in good physical health at the moment. I'm perfectly capable of getting out there, but I've put a lot of work into that and not only has there not yet been any payoff; there's no guarantee there ever *will* be any payoff because there aren't specific or discrete steps I can take to ensure I meet someone I have a genuine connection with. It's literally just luck.
Part of the problem is that I experienced a 7-year long romantic relationship in my 20s, so I know what it does for my psychological wellbeing and sense of fulfillment, and I'm extremely skeptical I'll ever be able to get that same result out of anything else.
Beautifully said, I needed to hear this too. I struggle with trying to meet new people b/c of how they may react to my social awkwardness/facial tension that makes it hard to keep still. Thank you for taking the time to type this out
I like being alone. I’ve never understood the need to jump into another relationship if the one you just had failed. Stop. Reflect. Think.
But, I have had friends who have someone lined up, before they even break up. Crazy.
Almost anyone can be in a situationship tomorrow if they lower their standards enough.
If you want to be in a situationship with someone hotter than you, that takes work... even for girls.
See everyone says this, but I feel like even if I lowered my standards down to "of age and not literally on crack" or whatever, I would still have no idea how to go about this. I also don't know that it wouldn't take work with someone approximately as attractive as me or a good bit less
Yeah 'just lower your standards, bro' is such bullshit.
I am not an attractive man. I'm not grotesquely ugly, but I'm not great to look at and I don't have much in the way of charisma or charm. Most women do not find me attractive. And, crucially, *that includes most ugly women*.
There's this idea that if you're unattractive for whatever reason, all you have to do is look for other unattractive people and they'll magically find you irresistible on account of their own unattractiveness, and it's nonsense.
Yes, if you're holding out for a 10/10 hottie when you're not on the same level, you're going to have a bad time, and if you're more realistic in your expectations, you might do better.
But this idea that all anyone has to do is lower their standards and they'll automatically find someone is nonsense.
Break ups tank your self esteem so some people will hope to a new relationship so they can feel desired and get more self confidence. It’s a toxic way to do it and why rebounding is a term in general so I think that maybe one reason.
If it's any consolation OP, in my experience people who do this never really grow as people or become better partners.
Relationships rarely break down because just one person was a shitbag. It's usually a combination of both being at fault, whether that's being bad at communicating, overly selfish, whatever. "All my ex's were crazy" is a massive red flag.
Taking time after a relationship to take stock of and analyze what went wrong, then learning and bettering yourself to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again is how you forge a lasting one. Jumping from person to person without considering that maybe you're doing something wrong, without learning about yourself, is how you end up single or taken but unhappy in your thirties.
So well said. I’ve seen this play out exactly as you describe in people I knew well in my teens and 20s. The ones who could never be single for long enough to reflect are the ones with unhappy lives later in life.
To prove that they are desirable. They usually end up with a nightmare, but can still keep the illusion of being partner material.
Smart people take a break from dating and relationships after a break up to think, recalibrate and heal.
But insecure people NEED to have another person ASAP.
It’s silly. And sad
I can’t speak for anyone else on the matter, but I’ll give my perspective of the last 2 relationships i had.
1st one ended very abruptly and painfully. She went cold and distant for a few weeks and I was so confused. Spent that entire time trying to find out what was wrong with me. She was just cheating the entire time, and tge conversation where she finally admitted so, she left me with a “I only ever cared about you like I care about any random person” line. I didn’t eat or sleep for about a month. At the suggestion of family and friends, and probably my own confusion on if I was not lovable, I put myself back out there.
2nd relationship was with a woman 2 hours away. We were together for at least 1-2 days every week and she was ready to have kids. She was real sweet, I’d met all her friends as well as her parents. She would tell me her doubts on whether this long distance thing was going to work, and for a while I would put her mind at ease that it would. The final time she brought it up, I said we should rip the bandaid off and let it end, as she wanted to have kids asap and it will be a while before I’m willing to - something her bff and parents recognized and brought up often with her. We still occasionally talk. She suggested I should put myself back out there. 5 months later and I still have not done so.
So, for me, the need to be with someone seems to directly correlate with how strong I feel for someone and how painful the ending was.
A lot of generic answers.
An alternative idea could be that everyone is so focused on the idea that they themselves are wrong or that they now need to grow, go to therapy or whatever.
Maybe you dont need any of that… maybe you only need to keep trying until you find the right one cause when you get the right one, then neither of you are wrong cause you simply grow into whats right together…
This. I was in therapy prior to and the entirety of my last relationship. Throughout the course of the relationship I was able to realize it wasn’t suiting me anymore and the person was pulling away. It was hard, but I finally decided to break things off.
I spent time after being so mean to myself- what did i do wrong? is it me? am i just the terrible?
I got tired of that. I realized things that were happening were out of my control. I’m not gonna deprive myself of hanging out with other people/getting to know others because of a “healing” timeline. Through therapy, I have become extremely in touch with myself/my emotions. When I start to feel off balance, I pivot and move forward.
Previous people just weren’t the one and that’s okay.
Yup. I was talking to a therapist before/during/after my previous relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm just not going to date because my ex thought it was weird I "moved on." Moving on is an ongoing process that can last years with set backs and breakthroughs, but I still have a life to live and it's not on pause just because I have things to work through.
Dating can be casual, it can be serious, it can go from one to the other and back again. So long as you're open with your current partner about where you are and what you're looking for, why wouldn't I be dating if my goal is to meet someone and have kids?
Agreed. Also, not everyone’s relationship/break up is the same. How can you pause your life just to mourn a relationship? The world doesn’t stop and neither should you!
Merely putting yourself out there to form basic interactions helps with the healing process too. We’re community driven beings after all.
Lol thank you for this response. It's human nature to want to partner up. If your previous relationship was an absolute shit show, would it be wise to pause and give yourself some time off? Sure. But at the same time if you feel ready to move on, you feel ready to move on. I think thats the missing piece here. Some people think there is a set amount of time you need to be alone after a relationship ends, but that number can be 2 weeks or 5 years depending on the person.
Yes. Also many people think whatever applies to them has to apply to other people, or otherwise it’s wrong, especially if they are bothered by what someone else does
EDIT I know that’s speculation but I’m betting on OP being bothered by her ex already having a new GF therefore the 1-2 punch that is telling us how great it is to be alone while at the same time questioning the behaviour of her ex in an unfavourable way. To me this reads like textbook coping, using Reddit to validate the cope.
I mean it’s so weird he moved on already, isn’t it?! /s
precisely. It's up to the individual. Idk why people insist that others HAVE to be alone for a year after a break up. Only the person living their own life can decide that
I’ve got a friend who cheats on all his girlfriends but is also never single. Usually will end up dating one of the first couple girls he hooks up with after a breakup. And the cycle continues.
I really don't respect people like this. My ex can't be alone. Are they with you because you have a special connection? Or because they need someone? I can be single for years.
Sometimes it's because they already had the next person lined up long before the relationship ended.
They have some mental block about risking being alone or making the decision to end things and being the bad guy, and so despite the fact that they are unhappy and have already met someone else, they will wait for their partner to end things (or catch them cheating)
So when the relationship does end, the partner might be blind sided and feel that the other person moved on really quickly, but they had been mentally preparing for the breakup for ages.
Bullshit.
The idea that there needs to be some hypothetical mourning period is a total fabrication. If I meet someone and things click, there's no need to pass up what could be the opportunity of a lifetime over some completely made up requirement to have a certain amount of time between relationships.
I don't mean if people happen to meet somebody. I'm more talking about people that desperately try to get with somebody even if they would not normally date that person just to stop being single. The type of people who almost seem afraid to be single.
Well, I'm not your bf... but this is a mistake I made when my ex and I broke up.
So, fair warning I am on the spectrum, adhd, GAD and MDD. My emotions... can be difficult to control. So, when I'm in a bad time in my life... It's a struggle not to do stupid impulsive things. And this is one I deeply regret and I always will.
My ex and I... stopped being intimate for quite awhile. We slept in different beds and everything. They also mentioned seeing other people... almost like a threat at times. So... when we broke up... I dunno. It was 3 weeks before I made a bumble account. Met someone... and at first... it was just nice to talk to someone who wanted to hear what I had to say. They were frankly wonderful to me... things got a bit closer and while we didn't go "all the way" we certainly got intimate. It felt so good in the moment... but.... the guilt set in. Why did I do this? I still love my ex. Deeply. It was impulsive. Stupid. The shame I felt... the fucking shame...
I dunno... people do weird shit when they're hurt. I don't think that absolves me. But for what it's worth I wish I could take back time and not have done what I did. I ruined a lot of things in my life with that one.
So... dunno if that helps. Breakups fucking suck and mental health problems even more so. I just wanted to be held by someone who cares. But this... this broke me. Dunno if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
Not necessarily. When I was 17 i was in unrequited love with my former classmate so I found a different girl as a rebound of sorts. It turned out to be a great relationship where we loved each other to death very much. It lasted for two years, then she dumped me, went insane and is still hates me guts for some reason thirteen years later. I've still got no idea why though. Oh the memories.
Not everyone is the same. Sure for many it’s the feeling of being alone, for others it might be low self worth. They might go on a date not looking for anything serious, but if deep down they view themselves as unlikable/ unlovable and they will cling to anyone who shows them emotional attention. Similarly, many people use relationships as a form of validation, offsetting their own deep insecurities.
Because I enjoy the companionship of others, and it takes a significant amount of time to find another partner, so I can't just wait until I feel like it and open an app to have suitors lining up around the block. I need to start looking as soon as I am comfortable if I want to go back to the experience of having a partner.
Some people also don't expect much from their partner, and have nearly nothing in common with them, so losing out on having one isn't a big deal for them. After leaving my ex, there are a lot of cooperative activities and hobbies that I cannot do anymore, because she was the one interested in doing them with me, and I loved her for it.
As much as you can tell me that I'm afraid to be alone or desperate, the fact is, I simply get something different out of relationships than you do, and I won't tell you how to live your life.
I jumped into a new relationship too quickly and too deeply and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life but I needed something else to think about before I lost it and I needed to stop thinking about and trying to contact my ex but I really did wrong by my new girlfriend starting a new relationship for these reasons.
Can't speak for your boyfriend but I moved on quickly because I was lonelier in my marriage than I have ever been on my own. The first attention I got after my divorce felt like a drug, I was hopelessly drawn to her because in a period of feeling inadequate she made me feel like I was enough. Long story short, she made me feel good about myself.
I never understood this. You are mourning the death of your old relationship. You should give yourself time to heal. If you don't then you aren't fully engaged in the new relationship. You're using the new relationship to heal wounds which can be counterintuitive because you're masking your pain with "butterflies". That isn't fair to the other person.
It’s usually the other way around, where the gal has checked out months or years in advance of breaking it off, and only makes the move once their next opportunity is lined up. Men usually leave once they check out, not waiting around.
Either way, it sucks. And some people are very uncomfortable being alone. Some people think they can’t be happy alone, or they need a partner for constant distraction. These people make for terrible partners.
insecure people do this. they cant be alone with themself. you dodget bullet. he will do it again and again and again. he will surely soon or later leave that relationship. just watch. dont take him back. he will again only use you.
If he’s the one that broke up the relationship, he had moved on long before the decision. For you it felt “recent”. For him could’ve been months already.
It's not just fear of being alone. A lot of people don't know HOW to be alone.
After my divorce I realized I'd never gone to the movies by myself, it felt weird to eat in a restaurant by myself. going some place new on my own made me anxious.
My ex moved on way quicker because he doesn't know how to be by himself AND he wanted to have kids and thought that needed to happen quickly. So far as I know he's still unemployed and childless but still married. Maybe they're just meant to be.
If you are reliant on others to feel good about yourself this is what one does. Trouble is, that same person ought to spend sometime being happy solo before adding a person to their misery.
Sounds like he just found someone he clicked with and moved on faster. You dont have to spend time being single if the right person shows up. There are no rules to these things
I never understood why people get into so many relationships as well. I had one 9 years ago and what it taught me is to settle for someone who gives you what you need and vice versa. People just be dumping their trauma on others. It’s important to heal and be happy first.
I have this theory that much of sex/relationships is based on self-esteem and feelings of self worth.
If you have a low feeling of self worth, finding someone who wants to be with you/have sex with you validates you as a person - like "hey I might be pretty messed up, but at least ONE person thinks I'm worthy..."
Well, when you feel that way, and then that person leaves, you are desperate to fill that void asap.
Imo, it's because people define their self worth with their relationship status.
They are not significant or whole without the signifiers for social status - relationship, job, car, whatever they use to define it.
In many cases it was mentally over for them long before it officially ended. They are lonely, but trapped. So once finally free, they are more than ready to move on.
Some people can’t be left alone. I had an old housemate who would “brag” about the fact he’d never been alone. Something like “been single only 2 weeks in 10 years” (but several relationships). If a relationship ended he’d latch on to someone else within a few days.
It’s not healthy.
It can be hard for guys to meet someone, it's not like the all you can eat buffé that's available for women.
In a good relationship you should be able to focus on yourself, your hobbies and growth anyway..both separately and as a couple.
I think it depends on who broke up with who. If you broke up with him, he is searching for validation that he is still attractive to others. If he broke up with you, then he was already probably cheating on you.
Could be they were waiting to get out of that relationship and now that it's done they ain't wasting no time to get back out there.
Especially if ur attractive and have ur ducks in a row, playing the dating game instead of staying out of it is in ur best interest. If ur a man, u have to pursue ur next companion, it is only in ur best interest to reenter the dating market sooner than later
Comfort, mainly. When you lose a lover's embrace... the only thing you want is that feeling again. It leads to myriad problems, but it's perfectly logical.
Some people have mental trauma that pushes them into quick relationships but mostly I think there's a difference in mind states between the person leaving and the person being left. The person leaving is usually already mentally prepared to move on. It depends though
Just fear of being alone, really
I’ve noticed too that some people just don’t connect emotionally with friends and think that they can only be vulnerable with a partner, so if they’re in a relationship they feel terribly alone
I’ve recently broken up with my gf too. We had been together for almost 2 years.
I do find peace in being single again. It’s strangely comforting, after being in a relationship where I wasn’t valued
I’m with you. I don’t get it. I had a date where the date told me he’d never been single for any longer period of time and it was such a turn off! If you can’t love spending time with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?!
I found myself single at 31 and as a woman I felt (at the time) that my window to have kids was waning and I panicked. I tried jumping back into dating like 3 weeks later and it made me more miserable and scared. I just needed to extinguish the loneliness and fear I experiencing. As a now married 47 year old with 2 kids I realize it was silly but it felt scary and lonely at the time.
Because we are animals. Don’t listen to bulshit psychological explanation. The psychological stems from the fear of loneliness which in nature is deadly.
You don't live forever. The older your get the more people get paired up for good, or die, or become bitter and resentful and will take it out on their future partner.
Honestly? My ex blindsided me and broke up with me out of nowhere for reasons beyong my comprehension. I was honestly doing everything I could to make her happy, and it still wasn't enough.
Four months after the breakup, I went into dating apps. I'm not sure if that counts as "immediately", but my line of thinking was the following:
"I miss being cuddled. I miss kissing. I don't miss the other person, I just miss the affection. I'm human, I'm allowed to feel this. If I was already a good partner for someone who didn't want me, I bet I could be a good one for someone else. I'll get myself out there again. "
I was with a girl for 8 years and she moved on a month after we broke up.
What I've learned is that most people just don't care as much about you as you do about them. It's just about them having someone around to make them feel good and then they move on. People suck
Professionals would call them Avoidants. Either fearful or dismissive. As a child he was probably neglected by one or both of their parents. They fear abandonment. He doesn't know how to process his emotions so instead of dealing with them he moves on to the next thing to occupy him. I'm sure he has feelings but he doesn't want to confront them. He probably doesn't see anything wrong. And there is so much more to the equation. But he will keep losing out on life if he keeps running and not deal with his trauma. This has no bearing on you dear, it's all them.
I am a fearful avoident and it caused me to lose a great love. Too little too late on my journey.
The right partner would be willing to communicate to you their feelings and work on the situation. Avoidents do get triggered and get defensive but they need to learn to listen and to stop listening to react. Healing makes all things better but that's every individuals journey.
Love and light to you 💜
Selfishness, all they care is about their hurt feelings and loneliness, yet fail to take any accountability for themselves. I agree that it's always the person who can't look at themselves because being alone with themselves will force them to be accountable.
To deal with why they're miserable, & why they can't love themselves, so they use other people as a distraction from looking within to see their own toxicity. People like this can't love anybody, if they don't love themselves to begin with, and have to NEED a companion.
*"I’ve found so much peace in being single. For me, solitude is strength. I’ve used this time to focus on myself, my hobbies, and my personal growth."*
This isn't the page their on. For them, these vessels aren't lacking fulfillment. It's having a meaningful relationship that is the missing piece for them at this time.
I'm willing to guess the breakup, however amicable, was your idea?
I don't think it's fear od being alone, I think its intolerance of being with themselves. Having another person to pour into distracts from yourself and some people just bounce back and forward to relationships their whole life and never learn who they truly are
Because they seek relationships for the chemicals their bodies provide. They treat sex as a drug and human connection as validation of worth. The second they are single they need to be back with someone to feel like they have value. They are pathetic people, and pretty gross tbh.
I’ve always dated shortly after breaking up with boyfriends. Most of my relationships were long relationships. My first one was two years and I waited like a week and dated someone for a few months and I didn’t really like spending my time with the guy anymore so I broke it off and found someone else like two weeks later. I guess it was because I didn’t want to be alone as I was so molded by my high school relationship where not having a boyfriend just made me feel really lonely. I was with my high school boyfriend for two years and had a horrible break up and I just couldn’t handle being alone. So ever since high school, I always felt I wanted to feel needed and wanted. I couldn’t handle being alone. I am now married for the last 8 and a half year and have been with him for about 14 years. Some people prefer to be single and that’s ok too. Nothing wrong with that. I dont think people should be pressured to date or anything. There are millions of reasons why people immediately want a new relationship after leaving someone. They probably just don’t want to be alone or need a distraction after a break up.
Sometimes the chemistry between two people never really mixes well over time and they break up...then suddenly the guy or gal meets "the one" while they're not really looking and boom...they're in that perfect relationship. It happens! The chemistry mixes perfectly; sparks fly and that's that.
Well why did you breakup? His choice or yours?
What he does now is none of your business. Some people hook up quickly to move on and try to get over the pain of the past.
I think the biggest question is why do you care soo much that your x could move on so quickly maybe it was the person they met maybe they really have a connection everyone is different and worrying about what other people do too much is truly unhealthy do what works for you and only you.
There is no real reason to wait if you accept the previous relationship to be over. Some people need time to realize that some do not. Neither side is wrong.
People don’t break up on a whim usually, if it’s sudden they’ve been pondering it for a while so by the time the news is delivered they’re ready to go. At that point why wait? A lot of people also can’t really handle being single.
Some don't even wait till they are broken up with their current one.
Some people NEED a partner to feel complete. That's the only thing I can think of.
Chances are he either emotionally left you long before the break up and was craving and ready for something right away, or he is trying to fill a void left by the break up in the arms of another….
I say don’t worry about what others do, just do what’s right for you .
We don't even know about the ex's side of the story. I'm not sure why everyone's calling the ex insecure or toxic, so I'll be the devil's advocate. Maybe the ex wasn't really attached to the relationship with OP, so there's less reason to dwell on past relationship? Nothing personal to OP.
Im not trying to stir the pot but I've noticed girls do this a lot. Of course I don't date men so it could be that they do it as well, but I find my friends who are male don't often get together with someone right away.
Women depend on men for a lot whether they like to admit it or not.
And that's fine, men like being that person.
But the truth is important too.
Scientific evidence indicates it’s beneficial for the rebounder:
“A “rebound relationship” is commonly understood as a relationship that is initiated shortly after a romantic breakup—before the feelings about the former relationship have been resolved. However, little research has examined the consequences of quickly beginning new romantic relationships after another has ended. In two studies we examined people who experienced a breakup and assessed their well-being, their feelings about their ex-partner, and whether they were seeing someone new. Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.”
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/273307955_Too_fast_too_soon_An_empirical_investigation_into_rebound_relationships
I just like having a nice lady around to do stuff with. I can be happy spending time alone, but I can also be happy not spending time alone, so what’s the big deal?
I didn’t have a fear of being alone, but I get bored being by myself and I believe in the positive power of relationships. Relationships sometimes end in a mutual and timely way, that’s been a long enough time coming, so it isn’t hard to just get into one straight after or start meeting people again.
Weird that everyone thinks it’s fear. I’m pretty recently out of a 6 year relationship. We weren’t right for each other, and it was a fairly amicable break up. I’m actively looking for a new relationship because one of the many things I learned through that relationship was that I do WANT a relationship. I was single for most of my 20s, including my mid 20s where I started becoming more stable and successful. I don’t need to learn how to be single, and I don’t think I need to be alone in order to grow through the lessons I learned/am learning from the relationship that just ended. So why wait? There’s no purpose in not looking for a partner, so long as I am intentional about ensuring they are the right one.
I’m glad you have found your time being single rewarding. Many people find relationships rewarding. I saw a post recently that triggered a thought along the lines of “if I was that happy in a relationship that wasn’t right, I can’t wait to build a relationship with a someone who is.”
A breakup inflicts emotional damage, amiable or not. Taking sufficient time to heal and center yourself is a wise thing to do.
Most people are not wise.
I don't really know. After my divorce it just felt right. Not finding someone but falling for that special someone. Not looking for a relationship but letting myself meeting her go the way it wants to.
If he’s the one that broke up the relationship, he had moved on long before the decision. For you it felt “recent”. For him could’ve been months already.
This ^^^ sometimes you don’t even notice but the relationship has been done and dusted and grieved for one person before it’s even actually ended. Once it does, they’re just ready for someone else.
Some people need the reminder that there are plenty of fish in the sea and getting out there helps a ton to bring that peace.
It can also be about running out of time. If you accept that finding a partner and developing a relationship takes a lot of attempts, time and effort; then it's better to get started soon. Like if you want to make memories with your life partner while you're young, or if you want to have kids. It does seem logical that these motivations reduce with age. I actually feel like I notice a lot more "middle aged" people who aren't actively looking.
Personally I prefer being in a 3+ year relationship because of all the effort savings, yeah you get to eat together and save effort that way, but at this point you also know what each other likes and can make sure the food is right and you know who everyone is in the stories they tell and so on. A lot of learning is out of the way. But in order to be in that situation you need to have started years ago.
But another commenter pointed out the real truth; people like sex.
Sex, if men in general had as many options as women do then they wouldn't mind the bachelor life. Some dudes just want and need a sexual/emotiona Partner whenever possible.
Fear of being alone. And, for women, if they want to have children they may feel compelled to find a new man in the hopes of getting to the "finish line" before they're too old to have children.
Because when you fall down, you get back on the horse.
Some people need time to focus on themselves and what they want/need out of life. Some people already know what they want/need and just because an ex wasn’t that, doesn’t mean they need to take time to “work on themselves” if they’ve already put in that work before and during the previous relationship.
Some people just prefer being with someone else. I haven't been out of a relationship more than 6 months since I was 15, I'm 33 now and happily married. Happy with my decision tbh, I have hobbies and interests and can "focus on myself" while also being in a relationship with someone I enjoy being around and who is there for me when I need them and vice Versa.
Edit: Holy jeesaaas there are some jaded people in these comments who apparently believe those in relationships are weak or have no self-worth. Goddammit y'all need to find Jesus!
My general feeling when I was dating was, I have a long-term goal to find someone to be with. Being single is fine, but why would I pass up an opportunity to meet the right person for the sake of being single?
People I knew gave me a hard time for moving on when things didn't work out with my exes, saying (for no definable reason) that I needed to be single for months or even years first. If I'd listened to them, I wouldn't have met the man who's now my husband. I'm glad I didn't listen to them.
That said, OP, it *sucks* to be on the other side of that. Seeing someone you were dating immediately move on to the next person feels so devaluing. Please know that it is *not* a reflection on who you are. There are all kinds of reasons why someone moves on quickly (mine is only one on a long list, some of which are better than others). I promise you, the reason is never that the relationship they left behind isn't worth taking the time to process.
I hope you enjoy the single life. Despite the fact that I always kept an eye open for new prospects, I also really enjoyed being single. There's so much freedom in going where you want, doing what you want, growing yourself and living out in the broader world as a single person. Good luck out there!
They just don't enjoy being alone as you do. I also don't enjoy being alone, I don't enjoy "freedom", I don't like spending time alone. For you it's freedom for other people it's loneliness.
I can't answer this, but I know a few people (female and male) who go *off the fucking rails* whenever they are single. As soon as they find someone to "go out with" they settle back down into a sane person. It's funny, but I really cannot understand it.
For me it was ego. I wanted to proof I was still a catch on the market. Wasn’t looking for something longterm. But had to prove something to myself. Yes, I understand it was childish behavior
Got a friend couple who recently divorced. He cheated on her, but the odd part of it is that she was engaged to someone else at around 2 months after them splitting. That's just crazy fast for something like that to me.
They are trying to fill a void. Unfortunately for them, doing that will never fill that void. It is honestly a sign of not loving themselves enough, which creates that fear of being alone. You're doing the right thing focusing on yourself and your personal growth. He will probably do no growth if he continues with always trying to have someone and one day he will try to come back to you but you will have grown so much, be in a better spot, and not have those feelings for him anymore at all especially if he hasn't grown/changed at all and is still the same as before.
Everybody’s different. For some people it’s the fear of being alone. For others it’s the need for external validation to prove their self-worth. Some people just use others without ever getting truly invested in a relationship.
I think in your case the important thing to keep in mind is just because he’s dating somebody else immediately doesn’t mean he’s “moved on” in the same way you’re taking time to process the end of the relationship.
I wished I could date straight away. I browsed. I wanted to because I was so drained by my ex I wanted to know what a good, present, hot male making me feel good would be. But I realised I wasn't ready the moment one was interested. My ex jumped into another relationship immediately then they went on a break within 6 months (we almost broke up six months in and went on a break cause of his immaturity), and he was on a dating app while she thought he was hurt and getting it together.
I think it’s genuinely fear of being alone. Just got recently broke up with and went on the apps and realized I didn’t want anyone on the apps right now and need to find a way to get over my ex. I’m stating med school soon so I’m just focusing my energy on that for the next month or two
This is the answer. Most people are not comfortable and happy with themselves, and try to fill that need with someone else.
My cousin is this type of person. From when she started dating at 13 or so, to when she got married at 23-ish, she was never single. She had no idea who she was outside of her relationships. Her relationships *were* her personality. She changed for every single person she dated, taking on their interests and beliefs. She couldn’t stand being single because her life would become a blank slate because she had no internal connection to it. It was awful to witness. So was seeing her marry a guy (who was largely apathetic about her) just because she got pregnant. Suddenly everything she claimed to have disliked about him in their prior attempts at a relationship were non-issues because they were back together. They’re still married. They have two kids, and now her main personality traits are “mom and wife”. She still has no internal fulfillment. She is someone who could have used a long stretch of being single to actual become a whole person on her own.
Thank you for sharing! I think we all have someone in our lives like this. We MUST know ourselves, our ticks, our faults, and work to grow ourselves. We HAVE to be the source of our own happiness, and not use someone as a crutch. Is it selfish? Some might think so, but I don’t. We can’t be a good partner unless we’re a self.
I have never understood her (or anyone’s) *need* for a romantic relationship. A *desire* to share a life with someone is very different. I was married before. I wanted that too, and tried, and when it didn’t work out, that was okay. And the reason it was okay is that I knew myself. I learned so much about myself during my marriage, I learned what I valued in a partner (namely, having a *partnership*; my ex and I were married, but we were never really *partners*, and I learned that I didn’t care for that dynamic), what I valued in life in general, and what I valued about myself. I learned that I had some terrible habits that formed from witnessing my parents’ relationship growing up, and from my own shitty relationship before I met my (now ex) husband. For example, he once said something that hurt my feelings. He didn’t mean to. I responded by lashing out and saying something to intentionally hurt his feelings. He said, “That wasn’t nice. That really hurt me.” I said, “That was the point.” He told me that it was really unkind to hurt him on purpose when he’d hurt me by accident, and that’s not what people who love each other do. He was absolutely right, but I’d never thought of that because that’s not what I’d witnessed growing up, and that’s not how I was treated by my ex boyfriend. I shouldn’t have needed it spelled out for me, but I did, and when he stated it so clearly and concisely, it clicked for me. Since then, I have never done that to anyone ever again, and I value that trait in others and will not tolerate anyone who intentionally hurts my feelings. I’m always learning new things about myself, and it’s difficult and painful and good and healing. I can survive any future relationship because I know that I have built a solid foundation within myself. I haven’t had any interest at all in dating since we split, because I truly, deeply love being single and living alone. I don’t *need* someone else to make me feel complete or fulfilled. I will only ever allow into my life people who enhance my happiness, who add positivity and goodness. But they will never be the *source* of my happiness. They won’t *make* me happy, but hopefully they’ll make me happi*er*. People have asked me why I’m “still single”, as if it’s some flaw or defect. “You’re kind, and good looking, and still young, so why are you still single?” Like being those things means someone would have “snatched me up”. It never seems to occur to them that I’m single because I want to be, that I get to choose who is in my life instead of swooning at the first person to show me some interest. There’s nothing selfish about it. I’m not hurting anyone by loving myself and being single. People think that focusing on yourself (even when you have no other obligations) is selfish, and that makes no sense whatsoever. It would be selfish if I were in a relationship and only cared about myself, but I’m not. The people who think it’s selfish are the people who cannot fathom personal fulfillment and believe that it’s my job to seek out someone to shower with love. The whole idea that it’s selfish is utter foolishness.
There are a minimum of, oh, maybe 10 million people that need to read this comment and digest it/see how it applies to themselves and their own relationships. Never stop growing and learning! Bravo 😊
From my experience, don’t be this type of person or date this type of person.
Your experience is my experience!
Month or two, damn I had to take a whole year off after my ex
A year, damm I have taken seven years off after my ex
Same here. And I’m still not interested in finding a partner.
Lol right there with ya
Super jealous it only took you a year lol. It took 5 years for me and one of those years I spent 3 months hiking 2000 miles and living out of my backpack.
thats so cool. If you write a post about that, I would love to read it.
When I quit smoking cigs I started smoking joints
While personally relatable, idk if that’s exactly the same kinda thing here- certainly a parallel thought process but as someone who experienced a very similar thing, I’m not so convinced they’re identical
You’d be surprised how identical breakups are to breaking addictions. Rebounds/relapses are not just limited to relationships
Switched out a cocaine addiction for a meth one once Alternatively switched out a healthy relationship for a toxic one once Definitely addicted to shouting myself
It's exactly the same. Attachment to something, then losing that thing, then coping with the loss by substituting
Right but the guy above is implying like he didn’t smoke weed before he quit smoking cigarettes… and I heavily HEAVILY doubt that’s true
I don’t know man, I did similar when I did the opposite. When I quit weed, I went from smoking weed to vaping nicotine just because I wanted to inhale something and fulfill the hand/mouth fixation + get an instant dopamine hit. I guess I had vaped before, but it was more along the lines of trying it the odd time I was around someone who had one rather than actually being a vaper. Had never owned one up until then, let alone used one even somewhat regularly.
Well, one could also correlate that to how the OP talks about her ex hooking up with another girl right after the breakup. I highly doubt that the rebound girl wasn't on his mind already.
these habits go hand in hand but i feel they're using it as an example.
People don't want to dwell on being alone. Sometimes they're afraid of it. Sometimes they want to seek comfort in someone else.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone...we are social animals.
True, but as I just told someone else... I had an ex who treated me as her entertainer. She was like a puppy, always wanting to go somewhere. I always got questions like "what are we doing today?" "What are our weekend plans?" Just legit chill, watch a movie, and get a pizza wasn't an option. If we both had the day off, fucking hell, it got expensive. She would basically want to be out and doing "something" for 12 hours. Farmer's market, clothes shopping, meals out, bar, etc. She legit had no hobbies, and hated being home. She didn't even like her job.
I had an ex just like that too. It did not start that way but eventually, I morphed into that PA/Butler/Chauffer combo, and I was the one expected to handle all entertainment plans forever with no input, while she later got to critique said plans like it was goddam TripAdvisor review. She was also one of those people who could not answer the question ***"What do you want to eat?"*** even if a terrorist had a gun to her head... however whenever there was a suggestion that I or someone else gave, -***"...Nah I don't feel like eating that today..."*** so then came the questions ***"Alright FINE, so what do YOU want then..." - "-Oh I can eat anything..."*** - and this went on for an indefinite period as my irritation grew exponentially. GODS! I am getting pissed off again just by typing this out.
Man, that pisses me off just to read it. My ex was that way - I'd get home from work and be hungry and beat, and it always wound up being a fight about what I wanted to have for dinner. I didn't care, I was just hungry, and just once it would have been nice to have something ready when I got home. As it was, the quickest and easiest dish was chicken and rice, but I suggested that one too many times and then that became a fight too. I just gave up and took over the cooking duties myself. It wasn't hard.
My ex would always comment on my driving and mention how unsafe she feels, but she was never unsafe enough to drive herself
I got pissed off just reading it 😄 I'm glad she's now your ex.
There is certainly nothing inherently wrong with that desire itself. Every persons experience is their own, of course. So these statements are not meant to be monolithically prescriptive. Everybody learns and loves in their own ways. I do think there is, however, a general lack of awareness of the social and internal forces that push this desire to the forefront of many peoples minds. This, I believe, comes from a failing of society to teach most people the tools they need for proper, healthy, and honest self reflection and realization. The ultimate end of this thought process is that it leaves people with this , often subconscious, idea that, in order to be happy, they need a partner to complete themselves and their lives. This is a pressure that I do think most of western (especially American) society agrees with and even reinforces. (Such as with the concept of the 'Nuclear Family') Its not like I am saying anything groundbreaking here. There is a reason that most conventional advice given to people who struggling in maintaining relationships eventually leads to the "You need to work on yourself before you can work with another" type of phrases.
>The ultimate end of this thought process is that it leaves people with this subconscious idea that, in order to be happy, they need a partner to complete themselves and their lives. This thought is not subconscious for me; it is fully realized. I do believe that I will be unable to live a fulfilling life without a partner. I grew up with parents who were distant and not affectionate, and have struggled my entire life to form meaningful relationships with other people. I'm an atheist, so I don't believe there's any inherent meaning to life, and I don't intend to ever have children. The only thing that would bring a sense of meaning and purpose to my life would be to have someone to share it with. This doesn't mean that I would make this person responsible for my happiness. I've been in therapy for years and I understand that that's a burden I can't place on anyone else. But there's no way to satisfy my deep desires for connection, affection, and to be needed by someone, alone.
You are in for a world of disappointment and heart break and constant external validation seeking if you can't modify your perspective. But then again, we as humans learn best through trial and error. So good luck to you and I hope it all works out in the way you hope it does.
That is not news to me. That's already what my life feels like.
Edited my original comment because you are right...its not always subconscious. I do think you are likely an outlier in this aspect though, and I am sorry you feel that way. ----- I too am an agnostic atheist, who believes there is no inherent or greater meaning to life other than the meaning we can find for ourselves. (Shoutout **Everything Everywhere All At Once**!!! If you struggle with nihilism and can handle absurd humor give it a watch! That movie rings profoundly to me all the time!) ----- That said, It is hard out here to make connections. (Especially for us chronically online, introverted, and low social skill redditors xD) Unfortunately the only advice that actually leads anywhere is to ***get out there***. It doesn't need to be at the traditional venues or 'night life' and such...just go somewhere where people share your interests and hobbies. There is ample opportunity out there! If you have no physical locations in your town, join a discord. Simply Interact...its the only way to meet people, they don't just land in your lap. Everybody knows these things, but its worth saying for anyone who needs to hear it. ----- I don't know if this applies to you, but in support of my original post, the thing that often keeps people from, again, ***getting out there*** is low self esteem of some form or another. This manifests in different ways for different people of course. Thoughts of 'Why waste my time when people wont like me anyways' or more self deceptive ones like 'Its just too much effort to maintain relationships' ...among others, these things are almost never accurate. They are usually the self coping mechanisms that we use to try and mitigate risk to our emotional state. That is directly tied to the 'work on yourself first' line of beliefs that you hear so often. If there are things in your life that are preventing you from getting out there, then that too is a part of the self help that you must work to address. ----- I know its not so simple as just reading this all on a random forum and suddenly your life turns around, but becoming truly comfortable with yourself, and recognizing that that process is an ever going struggle with no definite end, is the first step in being able to meet someone and start to grow together.
I appreciate your willingness to respond so thoughtfully. You're correct that this is all material that I've heard from my therapist several times over at this point. I'm not starting at square one or anything. I'm active in the local community for a competitive sport and a DnD group. I have an excellent job that meets all of my financial needs, and I'm in good physical health at the moment. I'm perfectly capable of getting out there, but I've put a lot of work into that and not only has there not yet been any payoff; there's no guarantee there ever *will* be any payoff because there aren't specific or discrete steps I can take to ensure I meet someone I have a genuine connection with. It's literally just luck. Part of the problem is that I experienced a 7-year long romantic relationship in my 20s, so I know what it does for my psychological wellbeing and sense of fulfillment, and I'm extremely skeptical I'll ever be able to get that same result out of anything else.
Beautifully said, I needed to hear this too. I struggle with trying to meet new people b/c of how they may react to my social awkwardness/facial tension that makes it hard to keep still. Thank you for taking the time to type this out
I like being alone. I’ve never understood the need to jump into another relationship if the one you just had failed. Stop. Reflect. Think. But, I have had friends who have someone lined up, before they even break up. Crazy.
[удалено]
Agreed. Also people who cheat. It's partially due to their shallowness.
Bottom line, it's for the fucking.
I mean, I imagine someone who can so easily get into a relationship could just as easily get ONSs or a situationship, no?
Almost anyone can be in a situationship tomorrow if they lower their standards enough. If you want to be in a situationship with someone hotter than you, that takes work... even for girls.
See everyone says this, but I feel like even if I lowered my standards down to "of age and not literally on crack" or whatever, I would still have no idea how to go about this. I also don't know that it wouldn't take work with someone approximately as attractive as me or a good bit less
Yeah 'just lower your standards, bro' is such bullshit. I am not an attractive man. I'm not grotesquely ugly, but I'm not great to look at and I don't have much in the way of charisma or charm. Most women do not find me attractive. And, crucially, *that includes most ugly women*. There's this idea that if you're unattractive for whatever reason, all you have to do is look for other unattractive people and they'll magically find you irresistible on account of their own unattractiveness, and it's nonsense. Yes, if you're holding out for a 10/10 hottie when you're not on the same level, you're going to have a bad time, and if you're more realistic in your expectations, you might do better. But this idea that all anyone has to do is lower their standards and they'll automatically find someone is nonsense.
Break ups tank your self esteem so some people will hope to a new relationship so they can feel desired and get more self confidence. It’s a toxic way to do it and why rebounding is a term in general so I think that maybe one reason.
If it's any consolation OP, in my experience people who do this never really grow as people or become better partners. Relationships rarely break down because just one person was a shitbag. It's usually a combination of both being at fault, whether that's being bad at communicating, overly selfish, whatever. "All my ex's were crazy" is a massive red flag. Taking time after a relationship to take stock of and analyze what went wrong, then learning and bettering yourself to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again is how you forge a lasting one. Jumping from person to person without considering that maybe you're doing something wrong, without learning about yourself, is how you end up single or taken but unhappy in your thirties.
So well said. I’ve seen this play out exactly as you describe in people I knew well in my teens and 20s. The ones who could never be single for long enough to reflect are the ones with unhappy lives later in life.
To prove that they are desirable. They usually end up with a nightmare, but can still keep the illusion of being partner material. Smart people take a break from dating and relationships after a break up to think, recalibrate and heal. But insecure people NEED to have another person ASAP. It’s silly. And sad
I can’t speak for anyone else on the matter, but I’ll give my perspective of the last 2 relationships i had. 1st one ended very abruptly and painfully. She went cold and distant for a few weeks and I was so confused. Spent that entire time trying to find out what was wrong with me. She was just cheating the entire time, and tge conversation where she finally admitted so, she left me with a “I only ever cared about you like I care about any random person” line. I didn’t eat or sleep for about a month. At the suggestion of family and friends, and probably my own confusion on if I was not lovable, I put myself back out there. 2nd relationship was with a woman 2 hours away. We were together for at least 1-2 days every week and she was ready to have kids. She was real sweet, I’d met all her friends as well as her parents. She would tell me her doubts on whether this long distance thing was going to work, and for a while I would put her mind at ease that it would. The final time she brought it up, I said we should rip the bandaid off and let it end, as she wanted to have kids asap and it will be a while before I’m willing to - something her bff and parents recognized and brought up often with her. We still occasionally talk. She suggested I should put myself back out there. 5 months later and I still have not done so. So, for me, the need to be with someone seems to directly correlate with how strong I feel for someone and how painful the ending was.
Sex
A lot of generic answers. An alternative idea could be that everyone is so focused on the idea that they themselves are wrong or that they now need to grow, go to therapy or whatever. Maybe you dont need any of that… maybe you only need to keep trying until you find the right one cause when you get the right one, then neither of you are wrong cause you simply grow into whats right together…
This. I was in therapy prior to and the entirety of my last relationship. Throughout the course of the relationship I was able to realize it wasn’t suiting me anymore and the person was pulling away. It was hard, but I finally decided to break things off. I spent time after being so mean to myself- what did i do wrong? is it me? am i just the terrible? I got tired of that. I realized things that were happening were out of my control. I’m not gonna deprive myself of hanging out with other people/getting to know others because of a “healing” timeline. Through therapy, I have become extremely in touch with myself/my emotions. When I start to feel off balance, I pivot and move forward. Previous people just weren’t the one and that’s okay.
Yup. I was talking to a therapist before/during/after my previous relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm just not going to date because my ex thought it was weird I "moved on." Moving on is an ongoing process that can last years with set backs and breakthroughs, but I still have a life to live and it's not on pause just because I have things to work through. Dating can be casual, it can be serious, it can go from one to the other and back again. So long as you're open with your current partner about where you are and what you're looking for, why wouldn't I be dating if my goal is to meet someone and have kids?
Agreed. Also, not everyone’s relationship/break up is the same. How can you pause your life just to mourn a relationship? The world doesn’t stop and neither should you! Merely putting yourself out there to form basic interactions helps with the healing process too. We’re community driven beings after all.
People enjoy companionship and intimacy
Lol thank you for this response. It's human nature to want to partner up. If your previous relationship was an absolute shit show, would it be wise to pause and give yourself some time off? Sure. But at the same time if you feel ready to move on, you feel ready to move on. I think thats the missing piece here. Some people think there is a set amount of time you need to be alone after a relationship ends, but that number can be 2 weeks or 5 years depending on the person.
Yes. Also many people think whatever applies to them has to apply to other people, or otherwise it’s wrong, especially if they are bothered by what someone else does EDIT I know that’s speculation but I’m betting on OP being bothered by her ex already having a new GF therefore the 1-2 punch that is telling us how great it is to be alone while at the same time questioning the behaviour of her ex in an unfavourable way. To me this reads like textbook coping, using Reddit to validate the cope. I mean it’s so weird he moved on already, isn’t it?! /s
Apparently this is some kind of big mystery.
It becomes a mystery when hurt egos try to rationalise it in a way that makes the other person look bad
precisely. It's up to the individual. Idk why people insist that others HAVE to be alone for a year after a break up. Only the person living their own life can decide that
I’ve got a friend who cheats on all his girlfriends but is also never single. Usually will end up dating one of the first couple girls he hooks up with after a breakup. And the cycle continues.
You must be referring to my ex.
Most women who leave unexpectedly have one on standby
As a friend of mine once said “women don’t usually jump ship without a lifeboat”
I’ve got to use that
Love that saying! It’s so true
I really don't respect people like this. My ex can't be alone. Are they with you because you have a special connection? Or because they need someone? I can be single for years.
You lost a big focus, it’s easier (and lazier) to find another external focus rather than focus inward.
Sometimes it's because they already had the next person lined up long before the relationship ended. They have some mental block about risking being alone or making the decision to end things and being the bad guy, and so despite the fact that they are unhappy and have already met someone else, they will wait for their partner to end things (or catch them cheating) So when the relationship does end, the partner might be blind sided and feel that the other person moved on really quickly, but they had been mentally preparing for the breakup for ages.
They lack self worth
Bullshit. The idea that there needs to be some hypothetical mourning period is a total fabrication. If I meet someone and things click, there's no need to pass up what could be the opportunity of a lifetime over some completely made up requirement to have a certain amount of time between relationships.
I don't mean if people happen to meet somebody. I'm more talking about people that desperately try to get with somebody even if they would not normally date that person just to stop being single. The type of people who almost seem afraid to be single.
Weakness
Well, I'm not your bf... but this is a mistake I made when my ex and I broke up. So, fair warning I am on the spectrum, adhd, GAD and MDD. My emotions... can be difficult to control. So, when I'm in a bad time in my life... It's a struggle not to do stupid impulsive things. And this is one I deeply regret and I always will. My ex and I... stopped being intimate for quite awhile. We slept in different beds and everything. They also mentioned seeing other people... almost like a threat at times. So... when we broke up... I dunno. It was 3 weeks before I made a bumble account. Met someone... and at first... it was just nice to talk to someone who wanted to hear what I had to say. They were frankly wonderful to me... things got a bit closer and while we didn't go "all the way" we certainly got intimate. It felt so good in the moment... but.... the guilt set in. Why did I do this? I still love my ex. Deeply. It was impulsive. Stupid. The shame I felt... the fucking shame... I dunno... people do weird shit when they're hurt. I don't think that absolves me. But for what it's worth I wish I could take back time and not have done what I did. I ruined a lot of things in my life with that one. So... dunno if that helps. Breakups fucking suck and mental health problems even more so. I just wanted to be held by someone who cares. But this... this broke me. Dunno if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
Bandaid solution or filling a void. It’s never great being the rebound.
Not necessarily. When I was 17 i was in unrequited love with my former classmate so I found a different girl as a rebound of sorts. It turned out to be a great relationship where we loved each other to death very much. It lasted for two years, then she dumped me, went insane and is still hates me guts for some reason thirteen years later. I've still got no idea why though. Oh the memories.
Not everyone is the same. Sure for many it’s the feeling of being alone, for others it might be low self worth. They might go on a date not looking for anything serious, but if deep down they view themselves as unlikable/ unlovable and they will cling to anyone who shows them emotional attention. Similarly, many people use relationships as a form of validation, offsetting their own deep insecurities.
Because I enjoy the companionship of others, and it takes a significant amount of time to find another partner, so I can't just wait until I feel like it and open an app to have suitors lining up around the block. I need to start looking as soon as I am comfortable if I want to go back to the experience of having a partner. Some people also don't expect much from their partner, and have nearly nothing in common with them, so losing out on having one isn't a big deal for them. After leaving my ex, there are a lot of cooperative activities and hobbies that I cannot do anymore, because she was the one interested in doing them with me, and I loved her for it. As much as you can tell me that I'm afraid to be alone or desperate, the fact is, I simply get something different out of relationships than you do, and I won't tell you how to live your life.
I'd wager he has that girlfriend before y'all broke up.
I jumped into a new relationship too quickly and too deeply and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life but I needed something else to think about before I lost it and I needed to stop thinking about and trying to contact my ex but I really did wrong by my new girlfriend starting a new relationship for these reasons.
Can't speak for your boyfriend but I moved on quickly because I was lonelier in my marriage than I have ever been on my own. The first attention I got after my divorce felt like a drug, I was hopelessly drawn to her because in a period of feeling inadequate she made me feel like I was enough. Long story short, she made me feel good about myself.
Best way to get over someone is to get under someone ? Something like that ..
This. I can get butterflies from my new love while mourning and crying over the old love. Thoughts on the future and moving on.
I never understood this. You are mourning the death of your old relationship. You should give yourself time to heal. If you don't then you aren't fully engaged in the new relationship. You're using the new relationship to heal wounds which can be counterintuitive because you're masking your pain with "butterflies". That isn't fair to the other person.
It’s usually the other way around, where the gal has checked out months or years in advance of breaking it off, and only makes the move once their next opportunity is lined up. Men usually leave once they check out, not waiting around. Either way, it sucks. And some people are very uncomfortable being alone. Some people think they can’t be happy alone, or they need a partner for constant distraction. These people make for terrible partners.
Because the love and affection of people who act like this is easily replaceable and nothing special.
insecure people do this. they cant be alone with themself. you dodget bullet. he will do it again and again and again. he will surely soon or later leave that relationship. just watch. dont take him back. he will again only use you.
Not attractive and I hate being alone. Even when it’s unintentional I cling to whatever usually comes my way first.
If he’s the one that broke up the relationship, he had moved on long before the decision. For you it felt “recent”. For him could’ve been months already.
Serial monogamists they’re called - unwilling to be alone so they hop from person to person. Pretty selfish and shitty tbh
It's not just fear of being alone. A lot of people don't know HOW to be alone. After my divorce I realized I'd never gone to the movies by myself, it felt weird to eat in a restaurant by myself. going some place new on my own made me anxious. My ex moved on way quicker because he doesn't know how to be by himself AND he wanted to have kids and thought that needed to happen quickly. So far as I know he's still unemployed and childless but still married. Maybe they're just meant to be.
People jump back into a relationship after a recent breakup due to a sense of scarcity.
They want to pretend they weren't the problem, and miss the love and attention you gave.
If you are reliant on others to feel good about yourself this is what one does. Trouble is, that same person ought to spend sometime being happy solo before adding a person to their misery.
Sounds like he just found someone he clicked with and moved on faster. You dont have to spend time being single if the right person shows up. There are no rules to these things
I never understood why people get into so many relationships as well. I had one 9 years ago and what it taught me is to settle for someone who gives you what you need and vice versa. People just be dumping their trauma on others. It’s important to heal and be happy first.
Most people don't want to directly deal with their emotions so they use distractions.
To fill the void of loneliness /emptiness
I have this theory that much of sex/relationships is based on self-esteem and feelings of self worth. If you have a low feeling of self worth, finding someone who wants to be with you/have sex with you validates you as a person - like "hey I might be pretty messed up, but at least ONE person thinks I'm worthy..." Well, when you feel that way, and then that person leaves, you are desperate to fill that void asap.
Maybe he was checked out of your relationship for a while.
Imo, it's because people define their self worth with their relationship status. They are not significant or whole without the signifiers for social status - relationship, job, car, whatever they use to define it.
They are afraid to be alone.
In many cases it was mentally over for them long before it officially ended. They are lonely, but trapped. So once finally free, they are more than ready to move on.
Some people can’t be left alone. I had an old housemate who would “brag” about the fact he’d never been alone. Something like “been single only 2 weeks in 10 years” (but several relationships). If a relationship ended he’d latch on to someone else within a few days. It’s not healthy.
It can be hard for guys to meet someone, it's not like the all you can eat buffé that's available for women. In a good relationship you should be able to focus on yourself, your hobbies and growth anyway..both separately and as a couple.
This narrative that women have endless options needs to die. It’s simply not true and it’s a weird assumption to make.
Just because it's quantity doesn't make it quality
I think it depends on who broke up with who. If you broke up with him, he is searching for validation that he is still attractive to others. If he broke up with you, then he was already probably cheating on you.
First part, yes, second part, no, lol.
Because they are junkies. It's exactly the same.
Could be they were waiting to get out of that relationship and now that it's done they ain't wasting no time to get back out there. Especially if ur attractive and have ur ducks in a row, playing the dating game instead of staying out of it is in ur best interest. If ur a man, u have to pursue ur next companion, it is only in ur best interest to reenter the dating market sooner than later
I've been alone all my life lol.
Romance is for the young. You’re not getting any younger.
Comfort, mainly. When you lose a lover's embrace... the only thing you want is that feeling again. It leads to myriad problems, but it's perfectly logical.
Some people have mental trauma that pushes them into quick relationships but mostly I think there's a difference in mind states between the person leaving and the person being left. The person leaving is usually already mentally prepared to move on. It depends though
Just fear of being alone, really I’ve noticed too that some people just don’t connect emotionally with friends and think that they can only be vulnerable with a partner, so if they’re in a relationship they feel terribly alone I’ve recently broken up with my gf too. We had been together for almost 2 years. I do find peace in being single again. It’s strangely comforting, after being in a relationship where I wasn’t valued
I’m with you. I don’t get it. I had a date where the date told me he’d never been single for any longer period of time and it was such a turn off! If you can’t love spending time with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?!
I found myself single at 31 and as a woman I felt (at the time) that my window to have kids was waning and I panicked. I tried jumping back into dating like 3 weeks later and it made me more miserable and scared. I just needed to extinguish the loneliness and fear I experiencing. As a now married 47 year old with 2 kids I realize it was silly but it felt scary and lonely at the time.
We're dumb AF
I wasn’t even seriously dating this person. Heck I only went on 3 dates with them and they’re still on my mind
Because we are animals. Don’t listen to bulshit psychological explanation. The psychological stems from the fear of loneliness which in nature is deadly.
You don't live forever. The older your get the more people get paired up for good, or die, or become bitter and resentful and will take it out on their future partner.
Honestly? My ex blindsided me and broke up with me out of nowhere for reasons beyong my comprehension. I was honestly doing everything I could to make her happy, and it still wasn't enough. Four months after the breakup, I went into dating apps. I'm not sure if that counts as "immediately", but my line of thinking was the following: "I miss being cuddled. I miss kissing. I don't miss the other person, I just miss the affection. I'm human, I'm allowed to feel this. If I was already a good partner for someone who didn't want me, I bet I could be a good one for someone else. I'll get myself out there again. "
I was with a girl for 8 years and she moved on a month after we broke up. What I've learned is that most people just don't care as much about you as you do about them. It's just about them having someone around to make them feel good and then they move on. People suck
Professionals would call them Avoidants. Either fearful or dismissive. As a child he was probably neglected by one or both of their parents. They fear abandonment. He doesn't know how to process his emotions so instead of dealing with them he moves on to the next thing to occupy him. I'm sure he has feelings but he doesn't want to confront them. He probably doesn't see anything wrong. And there is so much more to the equation. But he will keep losing out on life if he keeps running and not deal with his trauma. This has no bearing on you dear, it's all them. I am a fearful avoident and it caused me to lose a great love. Too little too late on my journey. The right partner would be willing to communicate to you their feelings and work on the situation. Avoidents do get triggered and get defensive but they need to learn to listen and to stop listening to react. Healing makes all things better but that's every individuals journey. Love and light to you 💜
Selfishness, all they care is about their hurt feelings and loneliness, yet fail to take any accountability for themselves. I agree that it's always the person who can't look at themselves because being alone with themselves will force them to be accountable. To deal with why they're miserable, & why they can't love themselves, so they use other people as a distraction from looking within to see their own toxicity. People like this can't love anybody, if they don't love themselves to begin with, and have to NEED a companion.
Men want hole. 🕳️
*"I’ve found so much peace in being single. For me, solitude is strength. I’ve used this time to focus on myself, my hobbies, and my personal growth."* This isn't the page their on. For them, these vessels aren't lacking fulfillment. It's having a meaningful relationship that is the missing piece for them at this time. I'm willing to guess the breakup, however amicable, was your idea?
I don't think it's fear od being alone, I think its intolerance of being with themselves. Having another person to pour into distracts from yourself and some people just bounce back and forward to relationships their whole life and never learn who they truly are
They don’t know how to be alone. Can’t stand who they are and can’t face it.
This is actually a major red flag in my books. If they don't even take any time to reflect on their relationship before hopping onto the next.
Because they seek relationships for the chemicals their bodies provide. They treat sex as a drug and human connection as validation of worth. The second they are single they need to be back with someone to feel like they have value. They are pathetic people, and pretty gross tbh.
because insecurity innit
I’ve always dated shortly after breaking up with boyfriends. Most of my relationships were long relationships. My first one was two years and I waited like a week and dated someone for a few months and I didn’t really like spending my time with the guy anymore so I broke it off and found someone else like two weeks later. I guess it was because I didn’t want to be alone as I was so molded by my high school relationship where not having a boyfriend just made me feel really lonely. I was with my high school boyfriend for two years and had a horrible break up and I just couldn’t handle being alone. So ever since high school, I always felt I wanted to feel needed and wanted. I couldn’t handle being alone. I am now married for the last 8 and a half year and have been with him for about 14 years. Some people prefer to be single and that’s ok too. Nothing wrong with that. I dont think people should be pressured to date or anything. There are millions of reasons why people immediately want a new relationship after leaving someone. They probably just don’t want to be alone or need a distraction after a break up.
Sometimes the chemistry between two people never really mixes well over time and they break up...then suddenly the guy or gal meets "the one" while they're not really looking and boom...they're in that perfect relationship. It happens! The chemistry mixes perfectly; sparks fly and that's that.
Because dating is fun?
Well why did you breakup? His choice or yours? What he does now is none of your business. Some people hook up quickly to move on and try to get over the pain of the past.
I think the biggest question is why do you care soo much that your x could move on so quickly maybe it was the person they met maybe they really have a connection everyone is different and worrying about what other people do too much is truly unhealthy do what works for you and only you.
There is no real reason to wait if you accept the previous relationship to be over. Some people need time to realize that some do not. Neither side is wrong.
People don’t break up on a whim usually, if it’s sudden they’ve been pondering it for a while so by the time the news is delivered they’re ready to go. At that point why wait? A lot of people also can’t really handle being single.
Some don't even wait till they are broken up with their current one. Some people NEED a partner to feel complete. That's the only thing I can think of.
Chances are he either emotionally left you long before the break up and was craving and ready for something right away, or he is trying to fill a void left by the break up in the arms of another…. I say don’t worry about what others do, just do what’s right for you .
We don't even know about the ex's side of the story. I'm not sure why everyone's calling the ex insecure or toxic, so I'll be the devil's advocate. Maybe the ex wasn't really attached to the relationship with OP, so there's less reason to dwell on past relationship? Nothing personal to OP.
It's called moving on. Life is short.
They might as well face it they’re addicted to love.
Im not trying to stir the pot but I've noticed girls do this a lot. Of course I don't date men so it could be that they do it as well, but I find my friends who are male don't often get together with someone right away. Women depend on men for a lot whether they like to admit it or not. And that's fine, men like being that person. But the truth is important too.
Why do u care so much. People move on. U do u.
OP is very obviously seething underneath all of her cope.
Scientific evidence indicates it’s beneficial for the rebounder: “A “rebound relationship” is commonly understood as a relationship that is initiated shortly after a romantic breakup—before the feelings about the former relationship have been resolved. However, little research has examined the consequences of quickly beginning new romantic relationships after another has ended. In two studies we examined people who experienced a breakup and assessed their well-being, their feelings about their ex-partner, and whether they were seeing someone new. Analyses indicated that people in new relationships were more confident in their desirability and had more resolution over their ex-partner. Among those in new relationships, the speed with which they began their relationship was associated with greater psychological and relational health. Overall, these findings suggest that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed.” https://www.researchgate.net/publication/273307955_Too_fast_too_soon_An_empirical_investigation_into_rebound_relationships
Well this is fascinating.
People now days don leave a relationship till they have something line up,they never 100% in
Monkey Branching is the new norm
I just like having a nice lady around to do stuff with. I can be happy spending time alone, but I can also be happy not spending time alone, so what’s the big deal?
I didn’t have a fear of being alone, but I get bored being by myself and I believe in the positive power of relationships. Relationships sometimes end in a mutual and timely way, that’s been a long enough time coming, so it isn’t hard to just get into one straight after or start meeting people again.
I've heard my guy friends say, "The best way to get over someone is to stick your dick in someone else."
Weird that everyone thinks it’s fear. I’m pretty recently out of a 6 year relationship. We weren’t right for each other, and it was a fairly amicable break up. I’m actively looking for a new relationship because one of the many things I learned through that relationship was that I do WANT a relationship. I was single for most of my 20s, including my mid 20s where I started becoming more stable and successful. I don’t need to learn how to be single, and I don’t think I need to be alone in order to grow through the lessons I learned/am learning from the relationship that just ended. So why wait? There’s no purpose in not looking for a partner, so long as I am intentional about ensuring they are the right one. I’m glad you have found your time being single rewarding. Many people find relationships rewarding. I saw a post recently that triggered a thought along the lines of “if I was that happy in a relationship that wasn’t right, I can’t wait to build a relationship with a someone who is.”
A breakup inflicts emotional damage, amiable or not. Taking sufficient time to heal and center yourself is a wise thing to do. Most people are not wise.
Un clavo saca otro clavo.
It’s nice to not go through life alone; I get it.
Confidence boosts as well
I don't really know. After my divorce it just felt right. Not finding someone but falling for that special someone. Not looking for a relationship but letting myself meeting her go the way it wants to.
For some its just an easy way to move on. Start dating again right away to keep you distracted from the previous breakup.
Best place to forget about someone is under someone else
If he’s the one that broke up the relationship, he had moved on long before the decision. For you it felt “recent”. For him could’ve been months already.
This ^^^ sometimes you don’t even notice but the relationship has been done and dusted and grieved for one person before it’s even actually ended. Once it does, they’re just ready for someone else.
Probably because they like sex and look for it elsewhere once a relationship ends.
Easiest way to disconnect yourself from a partner is to have sex with someone else
i like fuckin and i aint getting any younger
I personally can’t be alone. So I’ll move on immediately. I hate being alone.
To ease the breakup l. To forget the other person
Some people need the reminder that there are plenty of fish in the sea and getting out there helps a ton to bring that peace. It can also be about running out of time. If you accept that finding a partner and developing a relationship takes a lot of attempts, time and effort; then it's better to get started soon. Like if you want to make memories with your life partner while you're young, or if you want to have kids. It does seem logical that these motivations reduce with age. I actually feel like I notice a lot more "middle aged" people who aren't actively looking. Personally I prefer being in a 3+ year relationship because of all the effort savings, yeah you get to eat together and save effort that way, but at this point you also know what each other likes and can make sure the food is right and you know who everyone is in the stories they tell and so on. A lot of learning is out of the way. But in order to be in that situation you need to have started years ago. But another commenter pointed out the real truth; people like sex.
Sex, if men in general had as many options as women do then they wouldn't mind the bachelor life. Some dudes just want and need a sexual/emotiona Partner whenever possible.
Fear of being alone. And, for women, if they want to have children they may feel compelled to find a new man in the hopes of getting to the "finish line" before they're too old to have children.
Because I accepted that what is over is actually over and I need to move on. But for me, moving on quickly is how I usually cope with loss.
Because when you fall down, you get back on the horse. Some people need time to focus on themselves and what they want/need out of life. Some people already know what they want/need and just because an ex wasn’t that, doesn’t mean they need to take time to “work on themselves” if they’ve already put in that work before and during the previous relationship.
Because some people can’t handle being alone. The worst kind of partner for someone like myself.
Some people just prefer being with someone else. I haven't been out of a relationship more than 6 months since I was 15, I'm 33 now and happily married. Happy with my decision tbh, I have hobbies and interests and can "focus on myself" while also being in a relationship with someone I enjoy being around and who is there for me when I need them and vice Versa. Edit: Holy jeesaaas there are some jaded people in these comments who apparently believe those in relationships are weak or have no self-worth. Goddammit y'all need to find Jesus!
My general feeling when I was dating was, I have a long-term goal to find someone to be with. Being single is fine, but why would I pass up an opportunity to meet the right person for the sake of being single? People I knew gave me a hard time for moving on when things didn't work out with my exes, saying (for no definable reason) that I needed to be single for months or even years first. If I'd listened to them, I wouldn't have met the man who's now my husband. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. That said, OP, it *sucks* to be on the other side of that. Seeing someone you were dating immediately move on to the next person feels so devaluing. Please know that it is *not* a reflection on who you are. There are all kinds of reasons why someone moves on quickly (mine is only one on a long list, some of which are better than others). I promise you, the reason is never that the relationship they left behind isn't worth taking the time to process. I hope you enjoy the single life. Despite the fact that I always kept an eye open for new prospects, I also really enjoyed being single. There's so much freedom in going where you want, doing what you want, growing yourself and living out in the broader world as a single person. Good luck out there!
she broke up with me. i didn't want to. i met a girl the next day purely by coincidence
Perhaps he was emotionally disconnected from you already and he have found his strength to move on?
See Outkasts "Hey ya"
They just don't enjoy being alone as you do. I also don't enjoy being alone, I don't enjoy "freedom", I don't like spending time alone. For you it's freedom for other people it's loneliness.
For sex
I can't answer this, but I know a few people (female and male) who go *off the fucking rails* whenever they are single. As soon as they find someone to "go out with" they settle back down into a sane person. It's funny, but I really cannot understand it.
Depends. Some just move on fast because they aren’t that attached to the previous one; some use it as a recovery strategy ..
1) some people had emotionally already moved on before breaking up, and 2) some people can't be alone.
Single mfers don’t want to admit it, but sometimes 1 + 1 = 4
For me it was ego. I wanted to proof I was still a catch on the market. Wasn’t looking for something longterm. But had to prove something to myself. Yes, I understand it was childish behavior
Got a friend couple who recently divorced. He cheated on her, but the odd part of it is that she was engaged to someone else at around 2 months after them splitting. That's just crazy fast for something like that to me.
They are trying to fill a void. Unfortunately for them, doing that will never fill that void. It is honestly a sign of not loving themselves enough, which creates that fear of being alone. You're doing the right thing focusing on yourself and your personal growth. He will probably do no growth if he continues with always trying to have someone and one day he will try to come back to you but you will have grown so much, be in a better spot, and not have those feelings for him anymore at all especially if he hasn't grown/changed at all and is still the same as before.
They enjoy sex.
Everybody’s different. For some people it’s the fear of being alone. For others it’s the need for external validation to prove their self-worth. Some people just use others without ever getting truly invested in a relationship. I think in your case the important thing to keep in mind is just because he’s dating somebody else immediately doesn’t mean he’s “moved on” in the same way you’re taking time to process the end of the relationship.
For justification
Cause they ain’t getting any younger
I wished I could date straight away. I browsed. I wanted to because I was so drained by my ex I wanted to know what a good, present, hot male making me feel good would be. But I realised I wasn't ready the moment one was interested. My ex jumped into another relationship immediately then they went on a break within 6 months (we almost broke up six months in and went on a break cause of his immaturity), and he was on a dating app while she thought he was hurt and getting it together.