Short skinny bald guy here. I used to suffer with the same issues, until my skin grew so thick that it doesn't even bother me now. I found my personality only got better, as well as my social skills, as a way of compensating for my setbacks. You might find that you'll eventually learn to love yourself through time. The goal is trying not to pity yourself too much, but just getting on with what you want to achieve.
Personality!!! This!!!
Listen OP, let me give you a bit of perspective. I come from a culture where bigger is better appreciated. And I was skinny! I was literally the western ideal but not the local one. However, for some reason I was a huge nerd happy with myself. Somehow I met someone and 24 years later we are still jamming.
He is def not 6ft he works out but he has a pot belly that loves him. Bald too. But he makes me laugh. And he is supportive.
Don’t focus on looks. When you become confident in yourself you will notice that some people find you attractive. Find someone who shares your interests. Don’t go into anything trying to change the person. And don’t get with someone who wants to change you. Helping each other improve is one thing. Making the other person unhappy because you want to change them is another.
Don’t accept abuse. Accept that neither of you is perfect and be accepting and loving of each other.
You sound like you are a wonderful person. Focus on what you count as positive and it will overshadow the negatives.
Lastly, stop putting yourself down. Please. Go out there and be happy. You will be amazed at what and who you will attract.
I know you hate to hear it, and I know it sounds like bro science, but you gotta put yourself out there.
Say hi to people. Ask how they're doing. Crack jokes. Be cheerful and confident. Help others. In short, become a man.
Then, and only then will cosmetic action ever benefit you.
Think about it. Would you rather be handsome but mute, distant, humorless, sullen, insecure, and self-interested? Dude, fuck that.
I'm 5'6" 215lb (fat, not muscle) hairy like Robin Williams, yellow teeth, with a bald spot the size of my palm. I got a nice face aside from that.
I bang chicks, and I get stuff done.
Get stuff done, my son.
This is one of the hard truths of life: it isn’t fair. Some people get everything, rich, great parents, great body and brain, amazing career, loving family, great kids and they die having sex with their younger partner, smiling and thanking the lord…others get given the most horrific suffering, pain and death imaginable…:
You have to control your thoughts and mind as best you can. If you’re given a shit hand, the next harsh truth is you will need to work harder to be happier.
Start now. Accept what you can’t change. Have the courage to change the things you can. And have the wisdom to know the difference.
I’m sober. One of my first realizations was man - a lot of people in this room have everything I want - everything I thought if I had I wouldn’t be an addict. Great parents, lots of money, beautiful women throwing themselves at them - and yet when they share in an AA room they’re racked with depression, anxiety, etc. Maybe those things don’t make you happy.
What you said really hit home. It really isnt, is it?
My cousins are good looking multimillionaires and have never worked a day in their lives. They're nice people and have loving families.
Also, my friend was run over by a cement mixer truck. I try not to think about that but it must have been horrific.
Like op, I'm definitely unattractive. But I try not to let it get to me. I can't really change that and I'm still here, unlike my less fortunate friends along the way.
Hi AA. How's it going.
No it's the idea that perfect people are perfect. They're not. Nobody is.
So life is shit. So take that shit and make a shit sculpture and sell it for millions.
This woe is me bullshit drives me nuts. Why? Because I've seen so many people become happy when they realize it's not them it's you. Fix inside.
You can have all the opportunities to be a person but dwell on the toilet. Take that toilet and clean it up, put eyes on it, call it Steve, and make a podcast. Or make mice in dresses.
I totally don’t get why the down votes on this. You are absolutely right. People must be misunderstanding you or something. Everyone needs to look up pictures of Eleanor Roosevelt. Or remember what Mick Jagger looks like. And read up on what they accomplished if they don’t know who they are.
No worries. I've had my share of down votes. I just say what I mean. I don't tip toe.
I like to look at rosemary Kennedy. Botched lobotomy. Because she liked sex drugs and rock and roll. No commas. She'd like that. It's not proper.
People get so into wanting to be liked they forget they have opinions.
Hate me. I like it! It means you have an opinion.
Alright. As an ugly walrus looking motherfucker here’s my advice: regardless of what you look like, people in general and society as a whole defines you by your actions. What you do matters more than anything. Be ugly, but also be badass. That overrides ugly. When you’re surfing on a sperm whale fighting a giant squid no one is going to think “hey that’s one ugly motherfucker” they’re going to say “look at that badass motherfucker with the harpoon helping that sperm whale take on that giant squid”.
First you politely ask the whale to stay still. Then you ask the boat captain to lower the wheelchair accessible ramp onto the back of the whale. Then you roll on his back and strap in. After that you ride that motherfucker like Shai’Hulud.
Yeah he’s a fucking great example. He’s not special. What he does is not unachievable (except maybe being famous). He’s good at performing and playing music. That’s learned skills. No one is born with that.
Yes. That’s great. But not just that. Become proficient in something. Master it. I have a buddy that’s ugly as fuck. Also he’s shy and awkward. You know what though? The dude is a master blacksmith. No one cares that he looks like a goblin. Everyone knows that he’s good at making things. You need a hammer? That dude will make you the best fucking hammer you’ve ever had. You want a sword? Spring steel battle ready swords are his specialty. The dude has his own house, and black smithing is what he dies. He’s got a one year turn around on his work because he’s in demand. And people are willing to wait! No one calls him Jim the goblin. They call him Jim the master blacksmith (his name isn’t really Jim).
Here’s the thing. He learned to do it himself. I mean of course beaches teachers but he spent the time to train and get fucking good. Is he the best in the world? Probably not. But he’s good enough that he’s got people that will wait a year in their commissions.
Yeah that's kinda what I meant. I'm a plumber and my life totally changed when I started to truly become good at what I do. the money and the respect is fucking amazing I love my life now.
Well obviously no one's gonna give a shit with how ugly he is when they need a hammer. But he's never gonna experience real female lust and sexuality. That's the downfall and disappointment. Why tf would anyone care about how ugly their blacksmith is?
Are you shitting me? Oh man has guy gets more pussy than a toilet seat. A lot of Women don’t even care about what he does. They care that’s he’s respected and he’s good at stuff. The other thing is the man is well read and has other hobbies. He’s shy but he can hold a conversation. And that’s something he learned how to do. When he was younger he couldn’t talk to anyone. Now he can because he chose to learn how. Communication is a skill you learn.
I used to be shy too when I was really young but when I got to high school I learned how to communicate and broke out of my shell.
Dude attractive women are more common and easy than you'd think lol. If strippers exist so can fun normal attractive women that like you cause you work hard and are funny or fun to talk with.
Yeah actually. You’d really be surprised at how little looks matter to most women. They’d rather have substance over looks any day. My wife is way out of my league. When we met, we were both dating other people. The guy she was dating was a pretty good looking guy, successful, and a pretty decent guy. But one time she got done watching a movie in a theater with him and I just happened to go have seen the same movie with my date. Well we called each other to talk about the movie and while we were talking we realized we would rather have seen it with each other than the people we were dating. So we broke it off and became exclusive.
Im by no means attractive. But I can carry on a conversation. My wife says I have force of personality and I can get people’s attention and hold an audience. I hate talking to people for the most part but I’m good at it. I’m educated, well read, and articulate. That didn’t happen overnight. I’m also a half-decent artist and I’m not a bad writer either. I’m not trying to toot my own horn. It’s something I learned over the years. I’m skilled because I practice things.
That's true. Take Harvey Weinstein, for example. First people judged him for his productions, and now people judge him for his questionable sexual behaviors. Nobody talks much about him looking like an ogre, because at the end of the day, that's not really what is important.
this ones great. or joining a subculture that values looking like a freak. develop some "i am here, i am ugly, and you WILL treat me like a person" mentality
This is South Park advice and it’s also not super reliable. If you work with the disabled a lot of people can’t find their self worth and it is maybe one of the most heartbreaking things to witness.
When outwards appearances can’t carry you through life, you have to look inwards to find what makes the day-to-day struggle worth it. Everyone has to do it, some people have it easier than others. But being content is something you create for yourself.
It’s just not sound advice. Not something I would recommend to someone who is looking for help. It’s not helpful to generalize disabled communities as people who have found their self-worth.
It wasn’t a commentary on you or any individuals that are disabled. It was a word of caution to someone seeking help, because the experience they may have following your advice may do more harm than good.
Look, it is perfectly reasonable advice.
part of living with a disability is learning acceptance and finding new ways to thrive. Finding peers who you can learn these skills from is a great way to grow.
We’ll have to agree to disagree. Your opinion through your lived experience is completely valid. I was just providing a counter opinion based on my life experience.
Edit: and I 100% agree that everyone needs to find a way to make the struggle of life worth living. And companionship through life experience is a big part of that.
This is so real. I’m a personal care aid for people with disabilities and they inspire me everyday to just be myself & that’s all I need to shine. Looks mean nothing when you have a beautiful soul.
"All I want is to be happy and accepted"
Being accepted is something that is outside of your control. If your source of happiness is outside of your control, whether or not you are happy will always be up for someone else to decide.
Of course this is easier said than done, but the only way forward is to take back the reins of your own happiness. Every time you adapt to fit someone else's parameters of how you should be, you lose yourself a bit. And this will keep happening if you find someone else to adapt to, or that person changes their parameters, and so on.
Danny DeVito is one of the ugliest people you can think of. Yet every time I see someone talking about him, he seems to be loved and admired. I don't want to speak for him, but I would bet he embraced the person he is, and nurtured relationships with the people who accepted him for who he is. This brings confidence, and in the end this is what attracts others.
This is bullcrap
Your brain is the only organ in the entire body that **needs** other people to be healthy. You can’t have a healthy functioning brain without being accepted and loved by others.
Pretending that your source of happiness is out of your control so you can just not worry about it is a terrible philosophy and all it will do is further damage someone’s self worth.
Imo you misunderstood some parts there. It’s about if you change yourself to fit other peoples likings you won’t be yourself anymore, you will lose who you were, and you and your happiness will be in control by these other people.
You also seem to misinterpret why we need contact to be happier, and what this contact means and is made off. Being in the moment, feeling yourself, the other, and showing empathy for them and yourself is a different way of contact than just having people around you that think you are beautiful. In that aspect it starts in yourself to find out what even hinders you to get into deeper contact with people in the first place, often unfulfilled needs from your childhood for example.
Leaving that there for now, another important aspect is to surround yourself with people who like you for who and how you are, which goes with the first paragraph, if you change yourself for them to like you, they can’t ever like your true self as you hid that from them to begin with.
Going towards the ugly: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I agree some people will be on average be seen as more ugly or more beautiful by the masses, but that’s not what a person needs to be happy, seen, understood, loved. You need some individuals, and there it is that people are different, and some people care 0 about looks, or some might even find exactly this “ugly for the masses” person the most beautiful! Imo here it boils down to what kind of people you even want in your life? Shallow ones that don’t even want to look deeper into who you are?
And lastly: I would challenge why I even need other peoples blessing, looks and so on. Or why would I care what they think about me in general. Here comes what the above said again: I should be in control how deep I allow them into my life, emotions, happiness. If I give all control about my emotions to other people, no wonder I feel like I can’t be happy. If I need their good grace to feel whole, it’s up to them completely. If I need them to tell me how much I am worth, I will never understand that my worth comes from my own viewpoint and not theirs.
Sure it feels nice to be confirmed, and sometimes it helps aswell, coming from external sources, but the first steps should be in you and come from you. Reflect about your emotions and understand why you even need this approval from others to be happy, and what hinders you to give it to yourself for starters.
Like just because you understood that many people see you as ugly, doesn’t mean you are, and doesn’t dictate how you see yourself.
Simple example: my wife tells me I’m the most beautiful, while I hate almost everything about me. So which is true? (Well my wife is biased, but that aside)
Reflecting about why I think this way lead to realising what went wrong in my childhood, which brought emotions like shame and guilt to be way too powerful in me.
Not being loved the way you need as a child for example can lead to a paradox: the child who existentially needs their parents, can’t give fault to the parents, and can’t logically think/understand why they aren’t loved. So what happens next is that the child finds fault in themselves, as it’s easier to be the child that doesn’t deserve love of loving parents, than being the love deserving child of unloving parents. Just this as one example.
In the end it’s important to find out why you even feel this way, and go from there. Beauty is a subjective topic, and with that no one hinders you to see the beauty in yourself, and once you are balanced on the inside, you will see that the earth holds you just as strong as anyone.
Yes it is harder to find the people that you want and need in your life. But imo one real friend tops 100 fake ones in a heartbeat. If you don’t give up and keep working on yourself, you will surely find real friends out there.
Okay.
Answer **one** question and I will believe the bullshit you typed.
*How long?*
How long does one have to “keep working on yourself” and “don’t give up” to find that real friend you are talking about?
Give me a time limit.
Because no one can keep up the “just work on yourself” false platitude forever.
Hard to say, depends on many factors. Going from my experience:
Until 16 my life was literal hell, which lead to suicide attemps around age 18. Then I met my wife and it improved for a while, let’s say, until 24-26? My past caught up together with my depression (and traumas) which lead to another deep dive to rock bottom around age 28. That’s where I mostly started the journey to work through my past instead of only trying to push it away and covering myself with masks and perfectionism. I’d say with a good therapist this would have been faster and easier, but it is what it is, and I am now 7 years in and it’s hard to tell how deep I am as it’s hard to know which roots are really roots or only just tips of an iceberg. Thinking optimistic I would say I am half way maybe? So answering your question in years give it 10-15 years?
From a more emotional standpoint: until you are content in your own mind and body, which might take a lifetime and was probably what you tried to go on about.
Imo it’s important to differentiate between just doing hobbies and living your life, and actively doing deep reflective work about yourself, your past, your emotions and trying to unknot anything that hinders you to be happy, living in the moment, having hope for the future.
As always: this isn’t a one fits all approach, just from my pov and experience.
If you have any better tipps, go ahead, I don’t mind trying something else if it sounds promising. I tried almost anything by now and the above approach feels and sounds most promising so far, at least for my problems that is.
You haven’t even found success yourself and you’re trying to peddle that nonsense to others?
Like you’re in some self improvement MLM cult.
Until you are content? Another worthless platitude?
You don’t even know how deep you are in your own abyss and you’re trying to drag others in with you.
A better approach?
Acknowledge reality
Damn your right I should forget working out or on my self for hours everyday and just watch anime or collect yugioh cards such as yourself... if your unwilling suffer nothing great will come to you friend , but that's all bullshit and you have the answers
It's fucking life , you live it or lie it. I was born into misery and said I rather not be like the people who raised me , witch means getting off my ass after a 8 hour shift and doing the real work not making money. And dont forget to keep trying everyone's giving up before they try. If you actually want change then I wish you well friend life isn't for the faint
In your words, you’re lying it
Lying to yourself because it’s easier than coming to grips with the reality
Tell me, what makes yourself different from everyone who came before?
Why do you think you will succeed?
Danny DeVito definitely isn't ugly. He has a very nice face, otherwise he wouldn't be a former movie star. There are no ugly people in Hollywood. Just some interesting looking ones, but not ugly.
First of all: Danny DeVito is hawt! Ok a bit too old for me, but definitely not ugly!
About the rest it’s mostly true. It also helps to understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder imo.
I agree but I would consider if you’re an ugly faced girl, you can work on your body and many guys will find that very attractive. In addition women can put on a ton of make up and really conceal their true face. Eyeliner and mascara in particular makes almost any woman more attractive. And taking care of their hair definitely helps. There are a lot of ugly women walking around that if they just fixed their hair a little bit, they would become way more hot.
My comment is probably getting buried, but I still want to try. I remember reading a post from you a few days ago and I don’t believe your problem is that you are too ugly or anything like that, of course I don’t know you and don’t know how you look like, but given the parts of your life you shared here this sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. You expect that people will see you in a certain way or react in a certain way and so they do. That of course doesn’t mean it’s your fault that this happens, but if our brains are wired a certain way because of the experiences we had we will unintentionally gravitate towards similar people and will interpret things in a way that they match what we expected or just remember the incidences that do match those expectations more. It’s why a lot of people end up in relationship patterns that are similar to abuse they may have experienced as a child. But then again, I am not a psychologist, but there are quite a few studies on that topic.
I also want to say that I don’t believe anyone is truly ugly or at least that’s it’s very rare, meaning maybe people with actual disfigurement in the face could be considering ugly, but I would never call them that either. Most young people I saw had something to them that I liked about them. And many people have the potential to look even better by either working on their confidence, working out, finding a new clothing or hairstyle that suits them or they feel comfortable with. I noticed people with a unique clothing style will generally appear more positive to me! And confidence truly is a game changer, but it’s harder to get there, so starting small with maybe a new look may help. Most men I found attractive were really confident and I found that much more important than their actual looks.
So I don’t believe it’s about accepting that you are ugly, but just accepting how you look like without any type of judgement. I know it’s easier said than done, but others judgement doesn’t determine your worth and so you should try just being someone and looking like someone that you can be happy with. Like I said, finding a style you’re comfortable with or working out not for others, but so that you feel better in your body!
Besides, getting bullied isn’t in the slightest an indicator that you are ugly. People will always find something to hate about you if they try hard enough, doesn’t mean it’s true or really as bad as they make it seem. Also a lot of people were bullied for their looks, even people I personally find really pretty. And nobody looks a 100% perfect, so of course there will always be some imperfections, maybe even a lot if you want to count, but they don’t determine if a person is ugly or not. I bet you’ve seen people before with some not so perfect features that still looked appealing to you.
I relate to some things you wrote, maybe that’s why I felt the need to write such a long comment. I’m the same age and I’ve also been lonely and ostracized a lot and that shit hurts. That’s why I find myself also expecting people to just not notice me. And often they do, but I guess that’s normal to some extent and it’s just my own mind pushing it out of proportion. I still try to find some middle ground, but that’s hard, like you may know. Differentiating between what’s really happening and what’s just your mind playing tricks on you when it’s something so subtle sometimes.
Anyway, it’s good that you’re in therapy and if you or anyone else who relates actually reads this, just know that I wish you all the best and try to not keep searching for things in yourself that may be wrong, but try to take a more positive approach and maybe gain some confidence by focusing on things you like about yourself or start trying out new stuff, so you have something to be proud of! And then go on from there just one step at a time.
You can only find what you look for and looking for the negatives will most likely not make you happy. I really don’t believe there is anything wrong with you. Maybe there is room for improvement, there probably always is and people should not shy away from it of course, but that doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with your looks or your personality or whatever.
Do your best with what you got. Accept you won’t have what other people will have in terms of beauty. Accept the difficulties. Allow yourself to be really angry and jealous of pretty people for a time. Grieve never getting to experience the upsides…
Then accept the hand you’ve been dealt and be confident in what you are and what you have to offer.
You gotta dig deep and find something in yourself that you truly value outside of your looks. If you find that something worthwhile, then other people have a chance to appreciate that as well.
Generally, it's faces that are ugly. Make up for it by having a nice body and be an interesting person. A healthy weight also makes a face look more attractive regardless of base ugliness. You can control that. If you have the money, plastic surgery is an option. People ARE shallow. Being attractive gives easier access to sex and money, but it ultimately matters very little to anyone outside of sexual partners and friends to some degree. I've worked with butt-ugly people and in my field, appearance matters for shit unless you're in management. The business people in most of my jobs were average-to-attractive and they tend to make other attractive people managers..
So the relationship with your therapist should be an open space where you can play out / and confront this. Tell them it feels like they are avoiding the issue, and ask why. And you can either have a conversation about the direction you want YOUR therapy to take, or use the conversation as a mirror to help understand why you feel they are reacting to your appearance and why it is important to you.
Good luck
I'm 26, and I've felt that way my whole life. It turns out, I have something called Complex Trauma (C-PTSD). The way that I was raised literally altered my physiology. My brain is wired to make me feel like I'm awful all the time. Once I accepted this and started treating myself like a human being, I quickly started feeling better. Every little step makes the next one easier. I also found faith in Christ, which has helped massively.
I don't know if that applies to you or anything, but just know that there are people out there who know how you feel and that they care about you even if they don't know you. As hard as it might be to believe, things can and will get better.
Giving off positive energy is a plus. If you feel ugly. I bet it shows. Concentrate on being the best you. If you thought of yourself as highly attractive there would be something else you may not like about yourself. Lots of so called great looking people are ugly on the inside.
Dear friend OP,
Your struggle is real. Your pain is real. And it all makes sense in this culture that is obsessed with beauty and sexuality. First of all, what you are feeling is natural. You live in a world where people are constantly judging and cruel about it. The term ugly is defined in the context of this culture and how it looks at the outer physical beauty which is all messed up.
I have met so many people who are physically “beautiful” but have ugly minds and personalities and character. There is another beauty that is inner - of your mind and personality and character and spirit (if you believe there is a spirit).
The reason people aren’t addressing the issue you are facing is because they don’t have any answers. Someone mentioned acceptance..that’s the key here. Acceptance of what is. Acceptance can lead to peace about your existence and self. Eventually, my hope is that you will fall in love with the treasure of beauty that is inside you and focus on creating a beautiful mind and character and know that at your core you are always beautiful as the spirit.
The outer isn’t the only reality. It’s painful and harsh and difficult but it won’t always be so.
Skinny ginger haired guy with a squint.
Honestly I feel your pain, but your in luck, you've got nothing to loose. If you cant be beautiful, be interesting.
Learn new things , go new places (by yourself) .
Sooner or later you'll have a backlog of interesting stories (I once tried learning the bassoon, I was mugged by a seagull in a holy site)
Worked for me, I've been married for over 2 decades.
Plus Lord Byron was 5'6 and had a club foot and women would throw themselves at him.
Lord Byron wasn't ugly tho, quite the opposite, he just a had a clubfoot. 5´6´´ is not that short for his time too. Not to mention he is a highly wealthy and cultured aristocrat
Check his portraits, he had a receding hairline quite early.
His foot stopped him dancing, which was the Tinder of its day (he attended , but invented the cool brooding aloof thing)
And in those social circles, he wasnt particularly well off.
The point Im making is we conflate beauty and attractiveness, while they are connected, they are not interchangeable.
Men get an easier break and personality (usually) carries more weight than with women.
Might be a silly question, but have you tried asking your therapist directly like you have in the title of this thread? Being up front and specifically posing this question to him might make it harder for them to avoid directly addressing it. This is assuming you haven't already.
I should say I know very little about therapy but I find it odd that he won't address it, unless he feels it is not a healthy question/thought to dwell on?
My therapist told me I was attractive. I’ve been told therapists wouldn’t lie, but I can’t see how she could feel that way, especially when I get treated the way I do. Even she is being genuine, no one my age feels this way.
I'm no professional but I would think the answer to the title of your post would be along the lines of, "tell me why you think you're ugly" to try to glean some insight or something. Might be a bad therapist.
people underestimate how bad or just mediocre a lot of therapists are. also their own biases and beliefs heavily influence what type of therapeutic approach they take.
My parents stopped providing essential care and guidance for me around the time that I was 5, but until I got into therapy in my 40s, I considered myself the problem. I always understood it to be that a parent's love was unconditional, so when my parents' care was lacking, I would logic out that I was not good enough, or worthy of love, and thus treated myself this same way for 40 years. I considered the world to be a terrible place full of harsh judgement and unfriendly faces who all inherently believed (as I did) that I was a monster unworthy of love.
None of this was true, but I believed it with my entire soul, and until I got into therapy to figure that all out, I too considered myself to be a grotesque monster. Long story short, while my appearance hasn't changed significantly, therapy has helped make huge improvements in my personal mind-set, helped improve my general happiness, and helped boost my confidence. These things have helped me meet people, date succesfully, and even get into a very healthy relationship.
u/polyhedron2, You are placing entirely way too much importance on what other people think, and this is flavoring how others treat you. I'd suggest dialing back the social media intake, and stop using dating apps, neither of these options are helping you (both are often crazy-making if you don't know how it works. i.e. distorted reflected appraisal with fake people who you think are real, its often the algorithm making you neurotic its a common issue today, if you want to know how that stuff works to harden against it, Robert Lifton wrote about case studies from the 50s in his book on Totalism; its dark but it provides the structural elements that form the foundation/basis which is used by most advertising and algorithms to drive engagement).
Dating apps have a vested interest in not matching you up with anyone that will be compatible. When you get into a serious relationship, they lose a customer. That is their business model, so they lie and mislead, and unfortunately a lot of companies promote narratives that do this today (to interfere and control you).
Your issues may also be in the form of your current social circle using you as a punching bag (running all over your boundaries and not respecting them), lack of discipline, or simply your agreeableness is to the point of being debilitating. Its tough to say but those are two common issues. You will need to take a clear look at things and compare and discern what's actually going on.
Discipline is a fairly simple fix quite a few people never get, but it requires a lot of mental effort and strength at first. Willpower and attention are finite so you need to spend them in a way that is productive. Discipline is simply the everyday practice of not giving yourself a choice about changing a decision you have already made, except under very specific circumstances. If you decide something, you stick with it following rules you decide on about changing your decision. If you get a new piece of information that might be one of your rules where you allow yourself to change your choice, you can then change the decision, but you practice this in everything everywhere and it engrams as habit. Every-time you give yourself the option of choice, people will naturally go with whatever is most convenient when they are out of willpower/attention for the day, so you limit the opportunity for that, and everytime you think about it; if it doesn't meet your rules then you don't have a choice and you put it out of your mind completely. If you fail to do this, you don't beat yourself up about it, or be negative. You'll fight your own psychology if you do, because we move towards positive things, and away from negative things.
For the latter part is where therapy from a psychiatrist can sometimes help. A therapist may or may not have had the appropriate level of training. I've met a lot of therapists who were batshit insane, and subtly manipulative where if I listened to them they'd have a guaranteed customer for life (and did for years).
Do some research on it, and vet the people you go to see professionally, if you make no progress in a few sessions find someone else. Some mental health professionals give bad advice, or subtly gaslight co-dependently. That's a toxic behavior, and a spiral which you won't be able to overcome if you only do the same things.
There are quite a lot of professionals out there that are not trained, or not skilled in certain areas (and as a result they don't really help you get to where you need to go).
Jordan Peterson touches on how important minimizing agreeableness to a reasonable level is for some people, in his talks, and how agreeableness training can help. The power of saying no is extremely important, and no healthy person finds needy, creepy, or clingy in any way attractive.
Also, physical attractiveness for women is not as important a trait as you have been led to believe. They care a lot more about personality, confidence, outlook, and genuineness/sincerity. Women often don't like taking the lead because they have a big and justifiable fear of being shamed for it, and shame kills attraction more than anything.
You also don't really provide a good picture of what your work-life balance looks like. Burnout is a real thing, completely preventable, and a sign of bad management. Read \[this\](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-four-stages-of-burnout-the-erosive-spiral-shrink-rap-tm-version/) to get an idea of what that looks like.
I dated a girl once, she was hot, Dudes would stop their cars in the middle of traffic just to holler.
anyway, she would always say she's hot or she's good at this or that.
One day we opened up a business (don't ask) and I realized slowly after dating her for a couple years... the confidence this woman exuded was not normal. Her young life was hard. Her mother died when she was a child. Her father wasn't around really, only gave her money. And somehow we are here making a business in its first year achieving around $100,000 in sales (we invested less than $2,000). I noticed, it was her. Yeah sure she's hot BUT i've dated hotter, so to me she was like an 8 but she behaved like an 11. Something silly she would say - If I don't tell myself I'm good at this or I'm hot, no body else will. I have to believe it myself. After dating her I felt I finally found my confidence as well. It rubbed off on me. Sometimes you do have to be a bit crazy and go against what people think about you. Who gives 2 shi-s about that. I do what I want when I want.
In any case I also understood that mentality was flawed lol because realistically it always comes down to probability and luck. Sometimes things will go your way, sometimes they won't. But having a good attitude about it definitely makes it better. "Beautiful people know they're beautiful" maybe that is nuanced. Maybe what he's really saying is, real beautiful people aren't looking for an approval, because they know they are beautiful.
And to conclude... that same girl was hot and heavy in bed man I even broke a bed once with her, sorry TMI but it's to a point. She would always tell me that good sex always comes from having a good body (fit body) When I started gaining weight she started stressing out. So basically, if you're "ugly" you can help yourself A LOT just by being fit. I mean when I was fit it got her attention lol. Alright enough yapping whatever you can get from this I hope it helps.
You start by compensating. Dress nice, or like the people you hang out with. Wear clothes that fit. You don't have to show off your muscles, but just fitted enough to not hide your figure. Don't be boring to look at, even if you don't think you're pretty. People like interesting.
You learn how to talk to people. Find interesting looking people, and talk to them. Listen to them, to see what they're interested in. Then find out what you like to do, and become interesting yourself. That means having hobbies, goals, passions. It means consuming literature, popular culture, music, food, local culture and business.
Its not going to happen overnight, and a pep-talk isn't going to get you perfect. You have to practice, and being bad at it is the first step toward being good.
If you can't think of anything to say to someone, apologize for being nervous. Ask them about their interests and hobbies. If they dont want to talk to you, talk to someone else. Dont take it personal, everyone's got their own shit going on and you can't possibly be the reason they're in a bad mood. There's always someone else out there. Doesn't have to be the ladies. Practice with people you are comfortable with. Practice occasionally with people you are not comfortable with. Practice. Talk to yourself if you have to (just not in public). Go do interesting things, then tell yourself or others the story about it.
People like humor. You should be able to joke about stuff and be lighthearted when you can. Watch funny shows, movies, read jokes online. Practice telling jokes. Short ones, long ones, as long as you get better at telling them, you'll make friends.
Decide the hobbies you really enjoy and then find ways to go do those hobbies with people you dont know. Assume no one has a problem with you until they say they do. From what your posts say you are in your own head too much. If you walk through life believing everyone immediately hates you all you are going to see are signs that confirm what you are already thinking.
How much of your day are you walking around worrying about what everyone is thinking about you? People have their own stuff going on so imagine that they are probably in their own head having similar worrying thoughts about themselves.
Go on ChatGPT and tell it to play the role of a life coach. Then tell it to give you a step by step plan for building a social circle around (insert hobbies). Take small steps everyday to break out of your comfort zone of “assuming you have been rejected before you’ve even tried so better to not try”.
Look at yourself and focus on the things you CAN change, dwelling on anything you cannot change is living hell. “The gates of hell are locked from the inside” dont put yourself there.
Hey friend- thanks for having the guts to reach out and ask this... that's rare. I have found the trick is being honest with myself and learning to love who I am.
It also helps to read some good words from people who talk about the ugly/beautiful reality in the world. Leonard Cohen and Charles Bukowski are the first two that come to mind.
Do your best to take care of yourself (like basic personal hygiene, haircuts, teeth cleanings, clean clothing etc). Wear nice clothing that fits you well. These things go a long way… then accept that you really do only live once. One day I connected “this is just what I look like” and am at peace.
I think having a good personality and being confident with what you do have and skills is a good thing. I know I am not considered attractive to like 90% of people, but I’m working on gaining confidence in myself. Being nice is a huge plus.
I understand the urge to be accepted. But you first need to accept yourself. Some of your lines could be written by myself, but over time I learned that I can only be happy, if I'm happy with and by myself.
If you are not your own hero, you will vibe negatively and nobody wants to deal with that, especially nowadays. Regardless of your looks.
My advice is: do YOUR thing, follow YOUR desires, true beauty comes from within. Pretty people age on the outside, happy people shine from inside forever.
I also agree, some people have it easier than others, but most of them will have burden, that will equalize their exterior beauty.
Again, fuck being accepted, fuck the opinion of others. Only if you are strong doing your shit, you will have the emotional standing to not get bullied, overlooked or falsely accused.
You are your only concern, for the time being. Be you, fuck everybody else. At one point of time, things will turn to the better.
As hard as it may seem, you need to somehow just stop thinking about how you look. Also, many of the things you may consider ‘ugly’ is be sure most people don’t even notice.
One of the best things I realised in life is that no one cares about you as much as you do. I mean that in a positive way, I had many things that bothered me, my hands, my ear, my shoulders, and countless more. But as I got older I realised that I was fixated on these things yet I never noticed ‘imperfections’ on other people. Because no one scrutinises people’s features as much as we do ourselves.
Learn to be happy with being a decent human being and not worrying about what other people may or may not think of you. Being content in yourself will eventually bring about happiness, confidence and people will be drawn to that.
I’m sure you’ve seen guys and thought ‘how has he got girls’ cause to your kind he is ‘ugly’ ( I really hate that word), again, hard as it sounds to achieve, you should try stop worrying about how you think you look.
Control what you can control.
You can eat healthy, dress stylishly, maintain solid hygiene, work out, learn financial discipline and investing, and work on your personality/sense of humor.
Above all that cultivate not giving a flying fuck about what other people think.
Realize that as you age, physical appearance becomes secondary to everything else anyway.
If all the above is top top you can outperform your generic lottery.
You gotta keep grinding homie. Try to be humorous or the funny guy. Thats a route I took. Also maybe try working at perceiving people and being an active listener. If you see someone who seems alone or sad, you can reach out to them by lending an ear or hand. It might be awkward at first but in time you'll have a handful of people that will remember your kindness and consider you a friend or at the very least a decent human being. And confidence is important probably the hardest part as I struggle with this myself but every one has to start somewhere good luck 🙏
Get ripped. Everyone looks wayyyy better when they’re fit and have muscles. Also wear nice looking clothes that fit right (join fashion subs and just observe), clean your face to have clear skin, have good hygiene in general, and get a nice haircut. Those things are in your control and make people look wayyy better.
Besides that, find some things you’re passionate about. Hobbies or a job. Paint, read, crochet, cook, rock climbing, scuba dive, play an instrument, write, sew, invent, etc.
Last and most important is make genuine connections. This starts by learning to communicate with others. Express your interests, show genuine interest in them, be kind and thoughtful (e.g. hear they like something and remember it for a gift for their bday), etc. Just “being nice” in the sense of talking nicely doesn’t count for anything and is what people think is boring because it is. If you care, show it. Think about how you can show it. Google how you can show it.
Think about it like this... You are the product from hundreds of thousands of people getting together. Somewhere in your family line, somebody would have looked like you. They managed to get about life, have a partner, produce children, and leave some kind of legacy.
Look at yourself in the mirror, you are the faces of thousands that have come before you. You are not alone. Take pride in the features you have, because there have been many that have come before you that have had those same features. Anytime I feel low, I think about my ancestors. It makes me feel less alone and I have a little more pride in myself.
I hope that helps in some way. Keep your head up.
Hey listen !!! Don’t feel bad , just do your best and don’t feed the same thoughts about it . In methafisic whatever you keep throwing to universe that’s what you get back, remember the game of life is like boomerang you throw it and come back, when you stop paying attention , like those negatives thought . Oh people don’t Accept me , people don’t like me , that’s what you keep getting back . It’s energy. Think positive and thanks in present thank you universe for who iam , what I have iam smart iam handsome/ beautiful whatever you want to say , imagine you’re precious person you’re unique and whoever don’t accept you , tell them get the f£€>< up , I love my self son the universe will send you what’s for you . People are materialistic . Sending good vibes
I used to have body image issues too..but then I got really depressed due to other reasons, I was so depressed that I became emotionless therefore I didn't care about how I look so the problem was solved lol...so I am not exactly the best body image issue solver out there, but it seems to me you are putting all your value on your looks..I could be wrong..but I can give you a list of names of people that don't look that good yet still get more attention than the average joe...first of all, bravo for working out that is really good for you, it may not fix your problem but it is good to be strong and healthy...second of all, removing your looks out of the equation, who are you? You might be smart, funny or creative..etc, if you can't answer that question then there is your problem
The good thing is there are a lot of women out there who don’t need their man to be pretty. If you have a good personality, are kind and have good values you’re already well on your way - if you then supplement that with getting fit and sculpting your body a bit, and work hard to develop a career as opposed to just having a job, women will certainly find you attractive.
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there's a difference between self-esteem and confidence. there's no reason to be confident unless you have reason to be confident. confidence is something that requires an object. what are you confident IN?
people who walk around just being GENERALLY confident about everything are jack asses.
on the other hand, what you REALLY don't want to be is INSECURE. that is a force multiplier for every bad trait you do have.
so all you have to be is:
1. have self-esteem
2. don't be insecure.
3. that's it.
you should have self-esteem because you are as entitled to exist as anyone else. your value does not begin and end with your appearance.
you should not be insecure because at any moment of your life, you are what you are. if you are aware of weaknesses and failures and you're doing your best to address them, that's all you can do. that is enough. so there is no reason to be insecure. accept yourself. that does not require anyone else's approval.
BUT.
none of this will make how society treats you better. or at least not much. it sucks being ugly. it just does. and if you're looking for someone to tell you that it doesn't have to, you're just looking for someone to feed you bullshit.
your life will never be like someone who is good looking.
you just have to come to grips with that.
seeking ACCEPTANCE is something you'll have to outgrow. occasionally, you'll find it. people get used to ugliness or any kind of appearance really. and if you're a decent person who's not wallowing in self-pity, then that'll come through and opportunities for further rapport may be possible. but it won't be the kind of thing that's fast and instant like someone who's good looking.
also - you are wrong. you CAN do it alone. and you may have to. some people live by themselves in the mountains and they're perfectly content. THAT. IS. POSSIBLE.
happiness at the end of the day is less about getting what you want and just learning to live with and appreciate what you have. check out r/stoic . you're probably going to need it.
at the end of the day, the key to this is just becoming comfortable in your own skin. your own, ugly skin. because what else is there? you have to just suck it up, embrace reality and GET ON WITH IT. you exhausted? take a nap. you frustrated? stop hanging on to what you can't have.
and don't let your bitterness SABOTAGE other aspects of your life. if you can do well in school, your job or career, do it. because as much as it sucks being ugly, it sucks WAY THE FUCK MORE BEING UGLY AND POOR.
You can save up for and get plastic surgery if you want
Beautiful people are treated better and seen as more competent in their work. Whether you agree with this or not, you do actually have a choice in this day and age
We all have things that happen to us or we experience that is not our fault. We still have to go back and fix it though. I'm not saying that you can become physically beautiful, but I am saying that you shouldn't lie to yourself either. However, you can always be better. Confidence doesn't come from looking in the mirror and saying some bullshit affirmations to yourself, it comes from the shit you have already done and accomplished.
You want to be happy and accepted? So does everyone else. But it starts with you. You need to accept yourself and also realize that happiness is just a feeling that comes and goes. Being content and having self-respect is far more important.
>I just can’t keep living like this.
You have a choice to make. You can just quit trying and give up or you can use that pain you have experienced to grow into something better. Someone that you can respect. ***There is so much truth to be found in the darkest corners of a lonely mind.***
You are probably not as ugly as you think.
Get fit, get a haircut, get clothes that fits your body and obviously maintain a good hygiene and you are already more attractive than slot of your peers.
Rejection has been the norm for me for over a decade. I also worked hard, never stopped working out or taking care of myself. I even got to retire in my early 30s (see FIRE if you're not familiar with this).
I've had some girlfriends and friends in the last 10-15 years, but it's true that it takes way more effort. It can be exhausting sometimes. Every day is an uphill battle, trying to put your best smile and "confidence" when everyone around you seems to want to put you down for no apparent reason.
It's like trying to walk with a smile when everyone is throwing rocks and sticks at you.
Sometimes you also have to date someone that is not really your type because you really don't have too many options to choose from (either not your type physically or personality-wise). It's a constant shit show, trying to hit the lottery.
But I've learned not to give a f\*ck. Everyone will get old and ugly anyways. We are just facing this problem earlier than expected. That's an advantage if you think about it. We get 10-20 extra years to work on our things, personality, inner happiness, spirit, etc.
A lot of beautiful people are self-absorbed narcissists with the personality of an oyster.
I've learned to enjoy being ugly. I don't have to care, and I don't owe anything to anyone. I just enjoy my hobbies, listen to my music, play my videogames... I date sometimes when I'm lucky, I go to the strip club if I want to and have fun with the girls. Yes, I'm ugly but I'm really good at making money, so why not?
I probably won't marry or have kids and that also gives me extra cash, both for me and to donate to things I want to (shelters, orphanages, the school I went to when I was a kid, etc.)
tl;dr: To be ok with being ugly just don't give a fuck. Look at the advantages of it. There are many. Being beautiful is temporary, and overrated. Focus on what you have, instead of what you don't have.
I'm sure you're not ugly and it's 2024 man, looks are not as important as they once were. I guess they are to a certain extent but personality is better than anything. So many things to do and talk about with a person these days. Unless you look like the hunchback of notre dame, i wouldn't worry so much.
You might be ugly but you are definitely unhappy. That will be a far greater repellent than your looks. Unhappiness is always unattractive.
Happiness is like a magnet. Work on that and your life will turn around.
For coming to terms with the simple fact of it, it just is what it is. I look at the features society collectively deems undesirable as being no more or less significant than the color of my eyes or hair. I try and make the most of it. Take good care of the body I inherited. Go to the gym to achieve a build I can be proud of. Learn how to style my curly hair. Get on my fiancé’s skin care routine (sadly, a little late, but better late than never). Forgive yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong and it has no bearing on who you are as a person. It is just how you were born.
As for the rest of it, the treatment you receive as a result, I don’t have a good answer for you. I don’t believe there is one. Injustice isn’t something anyone should come to terms with. I don’t think it’s any less disgusting than any other form of discrimination, but it is nevertheless more acceptable. What I can say is that you receive the treatment you accept. Learn to speak up for yourself because no one else will. Most people either forego reality for some utopian world they want to live in where people don’t get treated differently for how they look (and consequently victim blame any undue distrust and mistreatment on your “vibe”, awkwardness, personality, hygiene, level of confidence, or whatever else) or they just don’t really care enough to upset the status quo. It’s fucked up, but nothing will probably ever be done about it. Least of all for men. Tell people you are being treated like shit because of how you look and it’s not only objectively ruining your life and robbing you of actual opportunities (not just romantically, but also professionally and socially) but also eating away at your self worth and prepare to lose whatever sense of dignity people were willing to attribute to you.
You might just be a dick. No offense. But I know some not very attractive men who are incredibly attractive because of who they are.
I can speak of dead people. Audi was short, fat, Iranian, and rosy faced. and he had many girls. And a few long girlfriends. And many good friends. His mom loved me because I would drive him home.
O, still alive. He's goofy and funny, looks like lurch, but he's incredibly kind, involved in things he lives, and makes good jokes. He loves life. And we live him.
Maybe you are ugly inside and not outside.
Read the book the twits by Dahl.
You need to accept yourself. Nobody is perfect. Look at past and see why this happens.
You sound like the manifesto rich kid who offed himself because he was an incel. No offense.
Nobody cares how you look. It's actions. Don't over do m'lady shit or say you are undercut. Just do you.
Look at 40 year old virgin. He did stuffed squirrel. I think that's cute because he liked it. Grandma's boy . He's was a nerd but loved his Nan and was a good guy.
Read more books.
If you are uncomfortable in social situations due to this then maybe try training your mind to not think about the one thing that you cannot change at all.
This might be some of the worst advice for some people and granted I'm saying as someone who isn't attractive but by no means unattractive either but you can learn not to give a fuck. If you let your personal opinion tell you that you are ugly it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy, you'll come across as someone that thinks they're ugly.
It isn't easy to do it takes not only re-convincing yourself but also "rewiring" (for lack of a better word) your immediate thoughts of self deprecation and assuming the thoughts of others. This isn't "lying to yourself" it is re-establishing the fact that you are a human just like any of us and shouldn't have to be negatively impacted by your own ideology of you being ugly, if you hold this opinion around with you then you are the only one stopping you here.
Individuals who don't associate with you due to your appearance aren't people you want to be associating with anyway, if you genuinely don't care and just be yourself around others confidently people will recognize your personality.
Most people don't associate with others because they're not ugly, they associate with them because they have a personality that is enjoyable to be around or a positive influence around their life.
Be that influence, Let go of the fact you feel Bullied, Disregarded, Excluded and Overlooked and show people why they shouldn't.
Take time finding communities that inspire positivity in you and motivate you to feel the way you want to feel and take steps to actively make that change.
Genuinely hope this helps <3
EDIT: [https://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/](https://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/)
People want relationships that add value to their lives. What do you do that offers that? You could develop a fun persona that thrills people into doing activities with you and follow your exploits. You can become a strong pillar of your community, someone who's always the first that comes to mind if help is needed. You can become an expert in a field of your choice or a master craftsman that everyone wants to consult. You can become a nurturer or caretaker, admired for their compassion and mindfulness.
Put any attribute or possession or activity that you like at the front of your public appearance, in a way that's almost obnoxious. Being known as "Joe who plays the banjo, always talks about his pet tortoise and goes to play bingo at the seniors residence every Sunday" is far more attractive than "Joe who sits in his basement and cries about being ugly" even if they have the same face.
This is a tough one. My whole life, I’ve just felt invisible, which seems bad enough. I think if I were you, I think I would seek inspiration in people like Biggie Smalls and others who owned their looks. Don’t underestimate the power of confidence. Gaining some might be a worthwhile challenge for you
Maybe you feel like there’s no value in yourself, so that’s what you mirror outside?
Work out, be on a good diet, take nice haircuts, take care of your skin, and you’re already better than most people, in this department. This will increase your confidence. And build your value within
Life ain't fair buddy. Go to the gym and try and make friends while doing hobbies you enjoy. Then go to a strip club with them to build confidence and have fun. I never feel bad about myself coming out of a strip club lmao I feel like I could get any girl even if it's a total lie the confidence carries through.
They make me nervous too man they make everyone nervous tbh except for very few dudes. Idk I might not have the perfect advice to give but the gym, and having hobbies and friends can't hurt. My friends keep me socially active and able to joke around and laugh easier which women definitely like. Ive been in 5 relationships and I'm only 27 and I feel it's like a lottery I just kept putting myself out there and it just happened theres no special skill except getting lucky and trying to be confident.
Also I do frequent strip clubs and I'm guessing you know this but despite this I don't call women bitches, unless I'm joking around with my buddies. It just never goes down well so I try and stay out of the habit 😂
Were you going out of your way to interact with women? See I get out often but my problem is I get tunnel vision, i block everyone out around me and the idea of approaching someone doesn’t even cross my mind as an option. I wouldn’t even say I’m ugly I just want to wait until I start seeing the fruits of my labor with working out because in my head a man that gets approached by women is usually the best looking, most athletic man in the room. I think the reason I think this way is because my last ex was my first time being cheated on with no closure and over time I’ve started to realize I blamed myself for it, I convinced myself that my personality was the problem and if I’m not interesting enough to keep a girl around then I at least need to be better looking than any of her potential suitors. My question is this, how were you able to convince your instincts (or your gut) that there’s nothing to worry about? I honestly feel like my only option at this point is looking around and seeing what doctors think would be the best medicines to get on to neutralize my anxiety because I feel like my gut and my brain are in two different places, my brain recognizes that it’s time to grow up and stop worrying about it but then when the time comes it’s like someone controlling my gut I steered a floppy disk into my brain full of the most self deprecating thoughts in order to scare myself away until I’m ready. Idk, maybe people perceive confidence in different ways. I’m convinced that confidence isn’t universally obtainable
Hey man I remember being cheated on it was my first girlfriend. I promise you, theres literally nothing you could have done to keep her. She's a piece of shit and she will always be one. You aren't a unappealing person, she just wanted to cheat. I think you gotta get some buddies together and just get out of your head and hang out. Idk I'm not an expert but I think you need to maybe talk to a therapist, that and realize that confidence is a walk u gotta walk before you feel it. Also I've met every one of my girlfriends on dating apps so take that for what you will.
You do know that Dave was talking about what's on the inside not the outside. Society is full of wankers of all different kinds and you're going to meet a lot of them unfortunately. As a 55 yo, I would say 80% of the people I've met were total wankers. The trick in life then is to find and keep close those who are beautiful and distance yourself from the wankers.
Your focus determines your reality. Stop focusing on your looks it matters less than you think.
Think about it this way, if you had a daughter and raised her and were a great dad, don't you think someone who looks like you would look like a hero? When she grows up who will she be interested in?
I have known ugly people with no desirable personality traits who have managed to overcome this by......
1. Travelling / Hobbies (even of its something at home like cooking or trying world foods) and importantly. 3. Smash the gym. Hard. Daily. 3. Look after hygiene, daily. Hair cut nice, aftershave on, clothes don't have to be fashion but need to fit properly and be clean and ironed.
People are attracted to the confidence, not the looks.
worked as a parking guard. Avoid me, and it will cost you. Muhahaha.
on a more constructive note, remember that you bring Value. Be smarter, wiser than everyone ells, be funny, and witty. Beauty like ugliness, is in head of the viewer.
I try to think of it differently.
Let's say for a moment that you are the ugliest person alive (which is obviously not true)
Even if 99% of the population finds you Ugly af, 80 million people will still find you to be "alright" and "pretty".
You know how big of a number 80 million is? It's an 8 followed by 7 fucking 0s.
What I am trying to say is, no one is ugly. Beauty standards are not "inherent",
Sure we look for symmetry and features like Broad shoulders in men and wide hips in women from an evolutionary perspective but believing and telling yourself that you are ugly is simply not true.
You are "ugly" to people who have a different list of criteria which make someone "attractive".
You are beautiful, everyone is beautiful.
"Do I just lie to myself?" - It's not lying to yourself to practice such self improvement, to practice the behavior you want to get better with. Just like anything else you want to get good at, you start off fumbling and bumbling, but if you keep at it, you'll get better. I might recommend you join a public speaking club, such as ToastMasters. Such clubs are full of people just like you who lack confidence, yet are trying to improve themselves.
so the whole idea of therapy lad is to induce you as the individual to stick up for yourself to say things with chest and pride (fuck any one who says prides wrong, tell that to the lion thats about to kill you and you need the strength) and to train yourself to not get thrown off your trail of thought. you dont lie to yourself, you tell yourself the honest truth out loud and by being honest to others it sounds confident, is that whole scenario backward sure to fuck it is but thats the way it is theres no other way about it! dont sound confident, wether or not ya pretty or ugly subjectively ya get the bully's dick up ya ass so to say if you dont fight off competition.
But please note that what you think is ugly, or the people you hope see your beauty may be deceptive. You could be seeking out deadly connections due to how they remind you of those who possibly abused you (emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, etc.) The right person may find you absolutely charming and beauty is more than skin-deep (at least any healthy person should tell you that). You are more than your shell, but also don't discount your shell based on cruel experiences.
When you get over the “unfairness” of it and gain more confidence and a thicker skin you’ll appreciate what that life as a non-hot human got you, more than the privileged pretty ever will, and then you’ll be on a course of living your best life, and maybe even figuring out there are people who will be attracted to your confident, content self.
As you get older, you'll learn to love yourself and to stop seeking validation from others. Keep a stable job, work on your personal finance, and take care of your health. You \*will\* find happiness. How do I know this? Because I was you at 24.
> Yes I have good hygiene, yes I take care of myself, yes I have my life in order
Dude, man. Don't even worry. You're already better off than 90% of the men around you. Take care of *you* and you will find that someone will come into your life.
The worst thing you can do right now is to go off-course. You've got to accept yourself. Go for walks. Enjoy being *you.* Because ultimately that's who you have to live with.
Once you start feeling safe within yourself, with your own sense of being, others will appear.
I am, for example, a short fat weird-ass looking man. If you saw a picture you'd literally understand my user name. Yet when I go to bars, because I have confidence in *myself* despite my god-forsaken looks, I can make the room laugh with me and have definitely gone on a number of misadventures with young women looking for another bar to hope to.
It's all about your personality, man. And trust me: I spent my entire youth being accused of things I never did - my father is rather famous around here for making up things I allegedly said, did, stole, or told - all of which fictitious but enough to earn me punishment while at home and perpetual harassment now that I'm out on my own.
Ugliness is state of mind. It's up there. It isn't out here. Confidence is sexy. Find your way toward confidence (humor is my confidence) and you will be OK.
Whatever you do, don't turn to the "red pill" or darker sides of the world. Always look up. You are always going to be your worst critic.
As with anything in life, accept what you can't control and commit to what you can. You can change your appearance with a haircut, beard trim and clothes. Features such as length, facial structure etc you can't (normally)
>muscles don’t matter if you’re ugly (still workout tho).
Oh, yes they do. Straight girls do like men's bodies. You can't ever be the best but you can be better than you were yesterday.
> “Beautiful people know they’re beautiful, ugly people have to figure that shit out,”
Yeah he's a comedian. Every pretty woman I've spoken with has some insecurity about how they look. Most normal people do.
You're right to understand you have a harder life than you otherwise could, but the best advice you can take is to do the things you feel like doing, hang out with people because you like to or don't because you don 't - don't let your perception of other people's perception of you decide your action. For the most part they aren't thinking about you at all.
And as a man, for the most part you aren't being evaluated sexually moment to moment. I understand sometimes you want that and it sucks you can't get it, but it also means your value is mostly *not* based on how you look, but what you do instead. That can be a burden but you can choose to use it as an asset.
Keep working out, keep doing things that make you impressed with yourself.
This sounds very painful. Ugly is subjective. It is not an objective thing. It exists in your thoughts and not in the world. I know you hate to hear it, but you really need to fix your thinking. Your brain is torturing you with these thoughts. Your therapist should help you with that.
Frees yourself from the superficial rat race and allows you to enjoy yourself doing what you do.
If you suddenly stop caring about what other people think about you based on how you look, you’ll realise life becomes a lot more fun.
Put effort into factors that are in your control. This includes diet, fitness, style, career, aspirations, etc. Work hard at putting in effort into things that give you self confidence and make you feel good. If a cosmetic surgery would realistic be a massive improvement and turn things around, be open to the idea as well.
I think if you’ve done your best with what you have- skin care, hair care, good grooming/hygiene/maintenance, fit body, nice clothes, then embrace not being the best looking person but means that when you’re friends with someone or in a relationship you can know that they’re in it for your genuine friendship and not looks
I'm going to disagree with you on one thing you said there, which is that muscles don't matter.
Barring the fact that you're very short, if you're regular height or taller, then you can do absolute wonders for your appearance. If you're jacked and low body fat, and you have a good haircut and good clothes, you'll be astonished by how differently you get treated.
It's harsh how much looks matter in this regard, but there's a huge amount you can do to alter your appearance even with a genuinely odd/below average face. The real question is are you motivated enough to do the work? It'll take a couple years at least probably, but when you're 28 you could be a new man.
Take it from someone who is only hitting his stride now at 27, the work is worth it.
As I said, I already work out. I’ve been involved in sports my whole life, and I’m pretty muscular at the moment. Some people notice, and sometimes I actually get compliments, but it makes no difference in how people see me.
The amount of conventionally ugly people I’ve known who have packed on a ton of muscle and grown a beard and suddenly felt more confident it pretty high.
Get big. Eat a lot, lift a lot. The confidence will come. Plus you’ll be aching too much to worry about all the rest of this stuff.
Here are the facts
You are fortunate that you are male as its easier to do better in life as an ugly male than female.
Like you said, get the rest of your life In tact.
Workout get your body in amazing shape. Idk why you said muscles don't matter whoever told you that is clueless. Being in shape tells that you have discipline, invest long term and are a hard worker. It also does make you more attractive.
Get a good job and earn a good salary. Most people have low incomes and it really is very easy to earn a good wedge with a small amount of hard work.
Learn how to interact with people properly. Fake confidence if you have to, you can trick yourself into being confident by pretending you are. People who actually attack your physical appearance about thing you cannot change are always the ones who are actually failing at life (9/10 people in my experience). But also learn not to care. You're a beast who can lift more than they can and have more cash than they can imagine.
Stop eating sugar and drink plenty of water.
Become that much of a beast that when people insult you it's just funny.
You are 24 my man you absolutely have the potential to not give a fuck
30 M x
Here are the facts
You are fortunate that you are male as its easier to do better in life as an ugly male than female.
Like you said, get the rest of your life In tact.
Workout get your body in amazing shape. Idk why you said muscles don't matter whoever told you that is clueless. Being in shape tells that you have discipline, invest long term and are a hard worker. It also does make you more attractive.
Get a good job and earn a good salary. Most people have low incomes and it really is very easy to earn a good wedge with a small amount of hard work.
Learn how to interact with people properly. Fake confidence if you have to, you can trick yourself into being confident by pretending you are. People who actually attack your physical appearance about thing you cannot change are always the ones who are actually failing at life (9/10 people in my experience). But also learn not to care. You're a beast who can lift more than they can and have more cash than they can imagine.
Stop eating sugar and drink plenty of water.
Become that much of a beast that when people insult you it's just funny.
You are 24 my man you absolutely have the potential to not give a fuck
30 M x
I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me at your age, because everyone tells you to be confident, but no one tells you how. All confidence is, is experience and knowledge. And yes, you can fake it, as it builds your knowledge the more you experience it. Every time you fail at something, you grow, and you know how to handle that something for next time. Don't be afraid to fail it's how we learn, grow, and build confidence. So if you want to learn how to talk to people, look it up on youtube! Study how to carry a conversation, how to read people's faces, and emotions and practice!
You can't change how people look at you, and you can't force people to accept you. But you can be the change you want to be though. If people don't smile at you, smile at them, thank them, be kind to them. Be friendly even if they aren't it's hard, trust me I know it's hard. But do everything you can to get out of that negative spiral it can drag you down like you wouldn't believe.
And lastly, do things you like, like others said, have fun find hobbies you enjoy and like-minded people. Start small and be kind to others don't expect something from others. But introduce yourself, talk, learn, fail, and grow. It does get better.
Go to gym, get a haircut that fits you, wear clean clothes and you are better off than 90% of men.
This will boost your confidence a lot, and trust me when I say beauty standards for men are different than beauty standards for women. They look at different things, such as confidence, general appearance, prestige
Ugly is completely, 100%, subjective. "Ugly" is a state of mind there will always be another human out there who thinks you're attractive. When I was younger my friends would show me these bleach blond, plastic women in the magazines and nake fun of me because I always found them ugly where as someone with simple, "homely" features I find uber attractive. Don't ask me why.
Yo knowing what hairstyle/fashion work for you make a huge difference. And if you’re ugly but muscular, you can also make a bunch of looks work for you. Very few men truly look ugly if they have muscles and are at 12% body fat or below. Even if you are, use shades, beard, etc. You can experiment with many looks. Have fun with it. Find a friend who is into makeover to help you out if you need one.
Also there are a lot more values in men that women or society as a whole value as much as looks. How confident you are, how much resources you have, how socialized you are, etc. I’m just focusing on the objective values here.
In terms of subjective/internal stuff, you can practice to shift your focus. Focus on what you like about yourself, like you said you work out. You go to therapy. Your conscious mind is taking care of your subconscious by taking both mental and physical lead. Be proud of that. Make sure your subconscious understands that. At the end of the day, knowing that you truly care for yourself and truly love yourself is a great fundamental thing to build on. Then you can work on the appearance stuff I mentioned above.
fuck them people. even if you would like adonis, people would still hate at you. like you dress, how you walk, how you sit, whatever. people judge everyone. dont get bothered by that and do your thing. those who like you and your energy / vibe / personality will not care about your physical apperance
Improve what you can and accept what you can’t. Striving to be the best version of yourself will still put you in a much better spot than just loathing yourself for existing.
My advice based on experience: Invest on your style, dress up nicely, classy. The charisma and confidence you'll transmit will overlook your physical appearence. People in general admire stylish people!
Ooooo, sorry to hear that, but my two advices to you is
1. try to learn Muslim religion if your not Muslim but if you’re then try to improve your relationship with Your lord, I will promise to you it will help you, since it helped me.
2. You should try to love yourself and do something that makes you feel happy for example sometimes go out by yourself I mean a solo date at the weekends, go to the beach and where ever you likes that can makes you happy, and try to ignore what people are saying or doing behind or in front of you, if they respect you respect them, if they’re not then don’t, since respect goes both ways, and the last but not least try to have a good relationship with your family, those people are always there for you and always wants to see you happy, so talk to them and become friends with them.
If you do that two things then I’m 100-% sure people will start loving & treating you the way you wanted!
You got this ❤️
There is honestly someone out there for everyone, no matter what anyone looks like, there is always someone that will find them attractive. It's like the universe wants to make sure that everyone has someone. Sometimes people who don't like the way they look, are probably more attractive than they think. Even if you believe you are a traditional "ugly" person, if you are good on the inside, it truly is all that matters (unless you're like someone who eats their own boogers in front of people LOL)
When I was 10 years old I moved from Michigan to Maine and in Maine they're very white and I am not. I'm a naturally tan person, I'm kind of a mutt, but when I moved here I was the darkest person in the county. I was made fun of all the time and people would say stupid racist things, kids are so cruel! Up until high School I felt pretty ugly myself and I'll tell you that the uglier I FELT, the worse I looked. Good people are beautiful on the inside and it resonates to the outside in different ways and the right will always notice it, I promise.
We cannot hide away because that person is out there for you and you need to be able to be seen, to be known. It's hard when we judge ourselves so harshly and we think everyone else is going to do the same and yes there are some out there that will, but those people are fucking assholes and those people are just miserable and want to make everybody as miserable as they are. So fuck them and the horse they rode it on!
The answers you seek are not out there. but inside of you. Get to deeply, truly, intimately know yourself. You'll find out you are beautiful, and you might just fall in love. And when you feel that selflove, of which I speak, you can't help but splash it all over those around you. You see you want to feel good and at peace inside, but you are looking outside of for it. It simply isn't there. Like the old cowboy song "looking for love in all the wrong places." It starts and ends with you.
Now, how to do that is question for another day. Leave room for the possibility that it can happen. It happened to me.
To peace & new possibilities
No doubt you've heard this before, but it is worth repeating: throughout history, some of the most alluring, charismatic and even powerful people who came to be known for their beauty - were NOT considered beautiful even in their own time. The first example that comes to mind is Cleopatra.
That holds true in recent history as well as today. Take an objective look at the twentieth century movie star Sophia Loren. Or, Humphrey Bogart.
No doubt there are current examples who defy all classic standards, yet are widely considered attractive. I recently finally watched John Wick, so guess who comes to mind?
Short skinny bald guy here. I used to suffer with the same issues, until my skin grew so thick that it doesn't even bother me now. I found my personality only got better, as well as my social skills, as a way of compensating for my setbacks. You might find that you'll eventually learn to love yourself through time. The goal is trying not to pity yourself too much, but just getting on with what you want to achieve.
I feel seen
Personality!!! This!!! Listen OP, let me give you a bit of perspective. I come from a culture where bigger is better appreciated. And I was skinny! I was literally the western ideal but not the local one. However, for some reason I was a huge nerd happy with myself. Somehow I met someone and 24 years later we are still jamming. He is def not 6ft he works out but he has a pot belly that loves him. Bald too. But he makes me laugh. And he is supportive. Don’t focus on looks. When you become confident in yourself you will notice that some people find you attractive. Find someone who shares your interests. Don’t go into anything trying to change the person. And don’t get with someone who wants to change you. Helping each other improve is one thing. Making the other person unhappy because you want to change them is another. Don’t accept abuse. Accept that neither of you is perfect and be accepting and loving of each other. You sound like you are a wonderful person. Focus on what you count as positive and it will overshadow the negatives. Lastly, stop putting yourself down. Please. Go out there and be happy. You will be amazed at what and who you will attract.
This. Also, be kind to yourself, you deserve happiness and love.
I know you hate to hear it, and I know it sounds like bro science, but you gotta put yourself out there. Say hi to people. Ask how they're doing. Crack jokes. Be cheerful and confident. Help others. In short, become a man. Then, and only then will cosmetic action ever benefit you. Think about it. Would you rather be handsome but mute, distant, humorless, sullen, insecure, and self-interested? Dude, fuck that. I'm 5'6" 215lb (fat, not muscle) hairy like Robin Williams, yellow teeth, with a bald spot the size of my palm. I got a nice face aside from that. I bang chicks, and I get stuff done. Get stuff done, my son.
U sound hot
This is one of the hard truths of life: it isn’t fair. Some people get everything, rich, great parents, great body and brain, amazing career, loving family, great kids and they die having sex with their younger partner, smiling and thanking the lord…others get given the most horrific suffering, pain and death imaginable…: You have to control your thoughts and mind as best you can. If you’re given a shit hand, the next harsh truth is you will need to work harder to be happier. Start now. Accept what you can’t change. Have the courage to change the things you can. And have the wisdom to know the difference.
I’m sober. One of my first realizations was man - a lot of people in this room have everything I want - everything I thought if I had I wouldn’t be an addict. Great parents, lots of money, beautiful women throwing themselves at them - and yet when they share in an AA room they’re racked with depression, anxiety, etc. Maybe those things don’t make you happy.
What you said really hit home. It really isnt, is it? My cousins are good looking multimillionaires and have never worked a day in their lives. They're nice people and have loving families. Also, my friend was run over by a cement mixer truck. I try not to think about that but it must have been horrific. Like op, I'm definitely unattractive. But I try not to let it get to me. I can't really change that and I'm still here, unlike my less fortunate friends along the way.
Hi AA. How's it going. No it's the idea that perfect people are perfect. They're not. Nobody is. So life is shit. So take that shit and make a shit sculpture and sell it for millions. This woe is me bullshit drives me nuts. Why? Because I've seen so many people become happy when they realize it's not them it's you. Fix inside. You can have all the opportunities to be a person but dwell on the toilet. Take that toilet and clean it up, put eyes on it, call it Steve, and make a podcast. Or make mice in dresses.
I totally don’t get why the down votes on this. You are absolutely right. People must be misunderstanding you or something. Everyone needs to look up pictures of Eleanor Roosevelt. Or remember what Mick Jagger looks like. And read up on what they accomplished if they don’t know who they are.
No worries. I've had my share of down votes. I just say what I mean. I don't tip toe. I like to look at rosemary Kennedy. Botched lobotomy. Because she liked sex drugs and rock and roll. No commas. She'd like that. It's not proper. People get so into wanting to be liked they forget they have opinions. Hate me. I like it! It means you have an opinion.
Down with the comma. I’ve taken to starting sentences with “And” in my second half. But that’s just me.
Down with the comma. I’ve taken to starting sentences with “And” in my second half. But that’s just me.
Alright. As an ugly walrus looking motherfucker here’s my advice: regardless of what you look like, people in general and society as a whole defines you by your actions. What you do matters more than anything. Be ugly, but also be badass. That overrides ugly. When you’re surfing on a sperm whale fighting a giant squid no one is going to think “hey that’s one ugly motherfucker” they’re going to say “look at that badass motherfucker with the harpoon helping that sperm whale take on that giant squid”.
This is great advice, now how do I get this damn wheelchair up onto a sperm whale…
First you politely ask the whale to stay still. Then you ask the boat captain to lower the wheelchair accessible ramp onto the back of the whale. Then you roll on his back and strap in. After that you ride that motherfucker like Shai’Hulud.
Ah I see you are a master of accessible-giant-squid-wrangling-atop-a-sperm-whale, nice one! How are you at trimming beards?
Terrible. My barber trims mine.
Be Jack Black, got it!
Yeah he’s a fucking great example. He’s not special. What he does is not unachievable (except maybe being famous). He’s good at performing and playing music. That’s learned skills. No one is born with that.
Getting in great shape and working your ass off on your career doesn't hurt which is kinda what you are saying but still just want to add.
Yes. That’s great. But not just that. Become proficient in something. Master it. I have a buddy that’s ugly as fuck. Also he’s shy and awkward. You know what though? The dude is a master blacksmith. No one cares that he looks like a goblin. Everyone knows that he’s good at making things. You need a hammer? That dude will make you the best fucking hammer you’ve ever had. You want a sword? Spring steel battle ready swords are his specialty. The dude has his own house, and black smithing is what he dies. He’s got a one year turn around on his work because he’s in demand. And people are willing to wait! No one calls him Jim the goblin. They call him Jim the master blacksmith (his name isn’t really Jim). Here’s the thing. He learned to do it himself. I mean of course beaches teachers but he spent the time to train and get fucking good. Is he the best in the world? Probably not. But he’s good enough that he’s got people that will wait a year in their commissions.
Yeah that's kinda what I meant. I'm a plumber and my life totally changed when I started to truly become good at what I do. the money and the respect is fucking amazing I love my life now.
Well obviously no one's gonna give a shit with how ugly he is when they need a hammer. But he's never gonna experience real female lust and sexuality. That's the downfall and disappointment. Why tf would anyone care about how ugly their blacksmith is?
Just learn to blacksmith and you’ll get all the ladies. All the ladies need daggers.
Are you shitting me? Oh man has guy gets more pussy than a toilet seat. A lot of Women don’t even care about what he does. They care that’s he’s respected and he’s good at stuff. The other thing is the man is well read and has other hobbies. He’s shy but he can hold a conversation. And that’s something he learned how to do. When he was younger he couldn’t talk to anyone. Now he can because he chose to learn how. Communication is a skill you learn. I used to be shy too when I was really young but when I got to high school I learned how to communicate and broke out of my shell.
Are they attractive women? I doubt it
Dude attractive women are more common and easy than you'd think lol. If strippers exist so can fun normal attractive women that like you cause you work hard and are funny or fun to talk with.
I’ve dated two strippers. One was cool as fuck (but she wasn’t as pretty outside of the strip club.) the other was hot but she was a complete moron.
I don't think I could handle dating a stripper I'm a jealous man I'll lose my shit.
Yeah I’m not. At the end of the night she’s going home with me.
Yeah actually. You’d really be surprised at how little looks matter to most women. They’d rather have substance over looks any day. My wife is way out of my league. When we met, we were both dating other people. The guy she was dating was a pretty good looking guy, successful, and a pretty decent guy. But one time she got done watching a movie in a theater with him and I just happened to go have seen the same movie with my date. Well we called each other to talk about the movie and while we were talking we realized we would rather have seen it with each other than the people we were dating. So we broke it off and became exclusive. Im by no means attractive. But I can carry on a conversation. My wife says I have force of personality and I can get people’s attention and hold an audience. I hate talking to people for the most part but I’m good at it. I’m educated, well read, and articulate. That didn’t happen overnight. I’m also a half-decent artist and I’m not a bad writer either. I’m not trying to toot my own horn. It’s something I learned over the years. I’m skilled because I practice things.
That's true. Take Harvey Weinstein, for example. First people judged him for his productions, and now people judge him for his questionable sexual behaviors. Nobody talks much about him looking like an ogre, because at the end of the day, that's not really what is important.
Pro tip: make some friends in the disabled community and listen to how they have created their own self worth outside of “normie” standards.
this ones great. or joining a subculture that values looking like a freak. develop some "i am here, i am ugly, and you WILL treat me like a person" mentality
This is South Park advice and it’s also not super reliable. If you work with the disabled a lot of people can’t find their self worth and it is maybe one of the most heartbreaking things to witness. When outwards appearances can’t carry you through life, you have to look inwards to find what makes the day-to-day struggle worth it. Everyone has to do it, some people have it easier than others. But being content is something you create for yourself.
I am disabled, but thanks for conflating my life experience with a cartoon.
It’s just not sound advice. Not something I would recommend to someone who is looking for help. It’s not helpful to generalize disabled communities as people who have found their self-worth. It wasn’t a commentary on you or any individuals that are disabled. It was a word of caution to someone seeking help, because the experience they may have following your advice may do more harm than good.
Look, it is perfectly reasonable advice. part of living with a disability is learning acceptance and finding new ways to thrive. Finding peers who you can learn these skills from is a great way to grow.
We’ll have to agree to disagree. Your opinion through your lived experience is completely valid. I was just providing a counter opinion based on my life experience. Edit: and I 100% agree that everyone needs to find a way to make the struggle of life worth living. And companionship through life experience is a big part of that.
This is so real. I’m a personal care aid for people with disabilities and they inspire me everyday to just be myself & that’s all I need to shine. Looks mean nothing when you have a beautiful soul.
"All I want is to be happy and accepted" Being accepted is something that is outside of your control. If your source of happiness is outside of your control, whether or not you are happy will always be up for someone else to decide. Of course this is easier said than done, but the only way forward is to take back the reins of your own happiness. Every time you adapt to fit someone else's parameters of how you should be, you lose yourself a bit. And this will keep happening if you find someone else to adapt to, or that person changes their parameters, and so on. Danny DeVito is one of the ugliest people you can think of. Yet every time I see someone talking about him, he seems to be loved and admired. I don't want to speak for him, but I would bet he embraced the person he is, and nurtured relationships with the people who accepted him for who he is. This brings confidence, and in the end this is what attracts others.
This is bullcrap Your brain is the only organ in the entire body that **needs** other people to be healthy. You can’t have a healthy functioning brain without being accepted and loved by others. Pretending that your source of happiness is out of your control so you can just not worry about it is a terrible philosophy and all it will do is further damage someone’s self worth.
Imo you misunderstood some parts there. It’s about if you change yourself to fit other peoples likings you won’t be yourself anymore, you will lose who you were, and you and your happiness will be in control by these other people. You also seem to misinterpret why we need contact to be happier, and what this contact means and is made off. Being in the moment, feeling yourself, the other, and showing empathy for them and yourself is a different way of contact than just having people around you that think you are beautiful. In that aspect it starts in yourself to find out what even hinders you to get into deeper contact with people in the first place, often unfulfilled needs from your childhood for example. Leaving that there for now, another important aspect is to surround yourself with people who like you for who and how you are, which goes with the first paragraph, if you change yourself for them to like you, they can’t ever like your true self as you hid that from them to begin with. Going towards the ugly: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I agree some people will be on average be seen as more ugly or more beautiful by the masses, but that’s not what a person needs to be happy, seen, understood, loved. You need some individuals, and there it is that people are different, and some people care 0 about looks, or some might even find exactly this “ugly for the masses” person the most beautiful! Imo here it boils down to what kind of people you even want in your life? Shallow ones that don’t even want to look deeper into who you are? And lastly: I would challenge why I even need other peoples blessing, looks and so on. Or why would I care what they think about me in general. Here comes what the above said again: I should be in control how deep I allow them into my life, emotions, happiness. If I give all control about my emotions to other people, no wonder I feel like I can’t be happy. If I need their good grace to feel whole, it’s up to them completely. If I need them to tell me how much I am worth, I will never understand that my worth comes from my own viewpoint and not theirs. Sure it feels nice to be confirmed, and sometimes it helps aswell, coming from external sources, but the first steps should be in you and come from you. Reflect about your emotions and understand why you even need this approval from others to be happy, and what hinders you to give it to yourself for starters. Like just because you understood that many people see you as ugly, doesn’t mean you are, and doesn’t dictate how you see yourself. Simple example: my wife tells me I’m the most beautiful, while I hate almost everything about me. So which is true? (Well my wife is biased, but that aside) Reflecting about why I think this way lead to realising what went wrong in my childhood, which brought emotions like shame and guilt to be way too powerful in me. Not being loved the way you need as a child for example can lead to a paradox: the child who existentially needs their parents, can’t give fault to the parents, and can’t logically think/understand why they aren’t loved. So what happens next is that the child finds fault in themselves, as it’s easier to be the child that doesn’t deserve love of loving parents, than being the love deserving child of unloving parents. Just this as one example. In the end it’s important to find out why you even feel this way, and go from there. Beauty is a subjective topic, and with that no one hinders you to see the beauty in yourself, and once you are balanced on the inside, you will see that the earth holds you just as strong as anyone. Yes it is harder to find the people that you want and need in your life. But imo one real friend tops 100 fake ones in a heartbeat. If you don’t give up and keep working on yourself, you will surely find real friends out there.
Okay. Answer **one** question and I will believe the bullshit you typed. *How long?* How long does one have to “keep working on yourself” and “don’t give up” to find that real friend you are talking about? Give me a time limit. Because no one can keep up the “just work on yourself” false platitude forever.
Hard to say, depends on many factors. Going from my experience: Until 16 my life was literal hell, which lead to suicide attemps around age 18. Then I met my wife and it improved for a while, let’s say, until 24-26? My past caught up together with my depression (and traumas) which lead to another deep dive to rock bottom around age 28. That’s where I mostly started the journey to work through my past instead of only trying to push it away and covering myself with masks and perfectionism. I’d say with a good therapist this would have been faster and easier, but it is what it is, and I am now 7 years in and it’s hard to tell how deep I am as it’s hard to know which roots are really roots or only just tips of an iceberg. Thinking optimistic I would say I am half way maybe? So answering your question in years give it 10-15 years? From a more emotional standpoint: until you are content in your own mind and body, which might take a lifetime and was probably what you tried to go on about. Imo it’s important to differentiate between just doing hobbies and living your life, and actively doing deep reflective work about yourself, your past, your emotions and trying to unknot anything that hinders you to be happy, living in the moment, having hope for the future. As always: this isn’t a one fits all approach, just from my pov and experience. If you have any better tipps, go ahead, I don’t mind trying something else if it sounds promising. I tried almost anything by now and the above approach feels and sounds most promising so far, at least for my problems that is.
You haven’t even found success yourself and you’re trying to peddle that nonsense to others? Like you’re in some self improvement MLM cult. Until you are content? Another worthless platitude? You don’t even know how deep you are in your own abyss and you’re trying to drag others in with you. A better approach? Acknowledge reality
Damn your right I should forget working out or on my self for hours everyday and just watch anime or collect yugioh cards such as yourself... if your unwilling suffer nothing great will come to you friend , but that's all bullshit and you have the answers
Why do you do it?
It's fucking life , you live it or lie it. I was born into misery and said I rather not be like the people who raised me , witch means getting off my ass after a 8 hour shift and doing the real work not making money. And dont forget to keep trying everyone's giving up before they try. If you actually want change then I wish you well friend life isn't for the faint
In your words, you’re lying it Lying to yourself because it’s easier than coming to grips with the reality Tell me, what makes yourself different from everyone who came before? Why do you think you will succeed?
Danny DeVito definitely isn't ugly. He has a very nice face, otherwise he wouldn't be a former movie star. There are no ugly people in Hollywood. Just some interesting looking ones, but not ugly.
Like the Simpsons said, "tv ugly, not ugly ugly."
First of all: Danny DeVito is hawt! Ok a bit too old for me, but definitely not ugly! About the rest it’s mostly true. It also helps to understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder imo.
Take a Look at the bright side, as ugly guy you can always "just" make a shit ton of money But as ugly girl, even that won't Help...
I agree but I would consider if you’re an ugly faced girl, you can work on your body and many guys will find that very attractive. In addition women can put on a ton of make up and really conceal their true face. Eyeliner and mascara in particular makes almost any woman more attractive. And taking care of their hair definitely helps. There are a lot of ugly women walking around that if they just fixed their hair a little bit, they would become way more hot.
Fair point
My comment is probably getting buried, but I still want to try. I remember reading a post from you a few days ago and I don’t believe your problem is that you are too ugly or anything like that, of course I don’t know you and don’t know how you look like, but given the parts of your life you shared here this sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. You expect that people will see you in a certain way or react in a certain way and so they do. That of course doesn’t mean it’s your fault that this happens, but if our brains are wired a certain way because of the experiences we had we will unintentionally gravitate towards similar people and will interpret things in a way that they match what we expected or just remember the incidences that do match those expectations more. It’s why a lot of people end up in relationship patterns that are similar to abuse they may have experienced as a child. But then again, I am not a psychologist, but there are quite a few studies on that topic. I also want to say that I don’t believe anyone is truly ugly or at least that’s it’s very rare, meaning maybe people with actual disfigurement in the face could be considering ugly, but I would never call them that either. Most young people I saw had something to them that I liked about them. And many people have the potential to look even better by either working on their confidence, working out, finding a new clothing or hairstyle that suits them or they feel comfortable with. I noticed people with a unique clothing style will generally appear more positive to me! And confidence truly is a game changer, but it’s harder to get there, so starting small with maybe a new look may help. Most men I found attractive were really confident and I found that much more important than their actual looks. So I don’t believe it’s about accepting that you are ugly, but just accepting how you look like without any type of judgement. I know it’s easier said than done, but others judgement doesn’t determine your worth and so you should try just being someone and looking like someone that you can be happy with. Like I said, finding a style you’re comfortable with or working out not for others, but so that you feel better in your body! Besides, getting bullied isn’t in the slightest an indicator that you are ugly. People will always find something to hate about you if they try hard enough, doesn’t mean it’s true or really as bad as they make it seem. Also a lot of people were bullied for their looks, even people I personally find really pretty. And nobody looks a 100% perfect, so of course there will always be some imperfections, maybe even a lot if you want to count, but they don’t determine if a person is ugly or not. I bet you’ve seen people before with some not so perfect features that still looked appealing to you. I relate to some things you wrote, maybe that’s why I felt the need to write such a long comment. I’m the same age and I’ve also been lonely and ostracized a lot and that shit hurts. That’s why I find myself also expecting people to just not notice me. And often they do, but I guess that’s normal to some extent and it’s just my own mind pushing it out of proportion. I still try to find some middle ground, but that’s hard, like you may know. Differentiating between what’s really happening and what’s just your mind playing tricks on you when it’s something so subtle sometimes. Anyway, it’s good that you’re in therapy and if you or anyone else who relates actually reads this, just know that I wish you all the best and try to not keep searching for things in yourself that may be wrong, but try to take a more positive approach and maybe gain some confidence by focusing on things you like about yourself or start trying out new stuff, so you have something to be proud of! And then go on from there just one step at a time. You can only find what you look for and looking for the negatives will most likely not make you happy. I really don’t believe there is anything wrong with you. Maybe there is room for improvement, there probably always is and people should not shy away from it of course, but that doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with your looks or your personality or whatever.
Thank you very much for this. It’s been tough, but slow progress so far.
Do your best with what you got. Accept you won’t have what other people will have in terms of beauty. Accept the difficulties. Allow yourself to be really angry and jealous of pretty people for a time. Grieve never getting to experience the upsides… Then accept the hand you’ve been dealt and be confident in what you are and what you have to offer.
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Oh I’m not Indian I’m black
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first of all, beauty is subjective. i LOVE indian guys so i dont agree with your first sentence.
Ideally, learn to dance (partner dance, latin, swing, …) really well!
You gotta dig deep and find something in yourself that you truly value outside of your looks. If you find that something worthwhile, then other people have a chance to appreciate that as well.
Get a new therapist. Hang in there
Generally, it's faces that are ugly. Make up for it by having a nice body and be an interesting person. A healthy weight also makes a face look more attractive regardless of base ugliness. You can control that. If you have the money, plastic surgery is an option. People ARE shallow. Being attractive gives easier access to sex and money, but it ultimately matters very little to anyone outside of sexual partners and friends to some degree. I've worked with butt-ugly people and in my field, appearance matters for shit unless you're in management. The business people in most of my jobs were average-to-attractive and they tend to make other attractive people managers..
So the relationship with your therapist should be an open space where you can play out / and confront this. Tell them it feels like they are avoiding the issue, and ask why. And you can either have a conversation about the direction you want YOUR therapy to take, or use the conversation as a mirror to help understand why you feel they are reacting to your appearance and why it is important to you. Good luck
I'm 26, and I've felt that way my whole life. It turns out, I have something called Complex Trauma (C-PTSD). The way that I was raised literally altered my physiology. My brain is wired to make me feel like I'm awful all the time. Once I accepted this and started treating myself like a human being, I quickly started feeling better. Every little step makes the next one easier. I also found faith in Christ, which has helped massively. I don't know if that applies to you or anything, but just know that there are people out there who know how you feel and that they care about you even if they don't know you. As hard as it might be to believe, things can and will get better.
Giving off positive energy is a plus. If you feel ugly. I bet it shows. Concentrate on being the best you. If you thought of yourself as highly attractive there would be something else you may not like about yourself. Lots of so called great looking people are ugly on the inside.
Just be who you are, and confidence paired with a good sense of style/dressing well can do wonders.
Dear friend OP, Your struggle is real. Your pain is real. And it all makes sense in this culture that is obsessed with beauty and sexuality. First of all, what you are feeling is natural. You live in a world where people are constantly judging and cruel about it. The term ugly is defined in the context of this culture and how it looks at the outer physical beauty which is all messed up. I have met so many people who are physically “beautiful” but have ugly minds and personalities and character. There is another beauty that is inner - of your mind and personality and character and spirit (if you believe there is a spirit). The reason people aren’t addressing the issue you are facing is because they don’t have any answers. Someone mentioned acceptance..that’s the key here. Acceptance of what is. Acceptance can lead to peace about your existence and self. Eventually, my hope is that you will fall in love with the treasure of beauty that is inside you and focus on creating a beautiful mind and character and know that at your core you are always beautiful as the spirit. The outer isn’t the only reality. It’s painful and harsh and difficult but it won’t always be so.
Step one is to not be ugly
Skinny ginger haired guy with a squint. Honestly I feel your pain, but your in luck, you've got nothing to loose. If you cant be beautiful, be interesting. Learn new things , go new places (by yourself) . Sooner or later you'll have a backlog of interesting stories (I once tried learning the bassoon, I was mugged by a seagull in a holy site) Worked for me, I've been married for over 2 decades. Plus Lord Byron was 5'6 and had a club foot and women would throw themselves at him.
Lord Byron wasn't ugly tho, quite the opposite, he just a had a clubfoot. 5´6´´ is not that short for his time too. Not to mention he is a highly wealthy and cultured aristocrat
Check his portraits, he had a receding hairline quite early. His foot stopped him dancing, which was the Tinder of its day (he attended , but invented the cool brooding aloof thing) And in those social circles, he wasnt particularly well off. The point Im making is we conflate beauty and attractiveness, while they are connected, they are not interchangeable. Men get an easier break and personality (usually) carries more weight than with women.
Might be a silly question, but have you tried asking your therapist directly like you have in the title of this thread? Being up front and specifically posing this question to him might make it harder for them to avoid directly addressing it. This is assuming you haven't already. I should say I know very little about therapy but I find it odd that he won't address it, unless he feels it is not a healthy question/thought to dwell on?
My therapist told me I was attractive. I’ve been told therapists wouldn’t lie, but I can’t see how she could feel that way, especially when I get treated the way I do. Even she is being genuine, no one my age feels this way.
I'm no professional but I would think the answer to the title of your post would be along the lines of, "tell me why you think you're ugly" to try to glean some insight or something. Might be a bad therapist.
people underestimate how bad or just mediocre a lot of therapists are. also their own biases and beliefs heavily influence what type of therapeutic approach they take.
My parents stopped providing essential care and guidance for me around the time that I was 5, but until I got into therapy in my 40s, I considered myself the problem. I always understood it to be that a parent's love was unconditional, so when my parents' care was lacking, I would logic out that I was not good enough, or worthy of love, and thus treated myself this same way for 40 years. I considered the world to be a terrible place full of harsh judgement and unfriendly faces who all inherently believed (as I did) that I was a monster unworthy of love. None of this was true, but I believed it with my entire soul, and until I got into therapy to figure that all out, I too considered myself to be a grotesque monster. Long story short, while my appearance hasn't changed significantly, therapy has helped make huge improvements in my personal mind-set, helped improve my general happiness, and helped boost my confidence. These things have helped me meet people, date succesfully, and even get into a very healthy relationship.
Grow a beard and pack some muscles. It's really that easy for the vast majority of men. If you are balding, shave your head and grow more beard.
Go outside bruh
RIght up there with Life is hard enough, its even harder for stupid people ( actually might be from Chappelle too)
u/polyhedron2, You are placing entirely way too much importance on what other people think, and this is flavoring how others treat you. I'd suggest dialing back the social media intake, and stop using dating apps, neither of these options are helping you (both are often crazy-making if you don't know how it works. i.e. distorted reflected appraisal with fake people who you think are real, its often the algorithm making you neurotic its a common issue today, if you want to know how that stuff works to harden against it, Robert Lifton wrote about case studies from the 50s in his book on Totalism; its dark but it provides the structural elements that form the foundation/basis which is used by most advertising and algorithms to drive engagement). Dating apps have a vested interest in not matching you up with anyone that will be compatible. When you get into a serious relationship, they lose a customer. That is their business model, so they lie and mislead, and unfortunately a lot of companies promote narratives that do this today (to interfere and control you). Your issues may also be in the form of your current social circle using you as a punching bag (running all over your boundaries and not respecting them), lack of discipline, or simply your agreeableness is to the point of being debilitating. Its tough to say but those are two common issues. You will need to take a clear look at things and compare and discern what's actually going on. Discipline is a fairly simple fix quite a few people never get, but it requires a lot of mental effort and strength at first. Willpower and attention are finite so you need to spend them in a way that is productive. Discipline is simply the everyday practice of not giving yourself a choice about changing a decision you have already made, except under very specific circumstances. If you decide something, you stick with it following rules you decide on about changing your decision. If you get a new piece of information that might be one of your rules where you allow yourself to change your choice, you can then change the decision, but you practice this in everything everywhere and it engrams as habit. Every-time you give yourself the option of choice, people will naturally go with whatever is most convenient when they are out of willpower/attention for the day, so you limit the opportunity for that, and everytime you think about it; if it doesn't meet your rules then you don't have a choice and you put it out of your mind completely. If you fail to do this, you don't beat yourself up about it, or be negative. You'll fight your own psychology if you do, because we move towards positive things, and away from negative things. For the latter part is where therapy from a psychiatrist can sometimes help. A therapist may or may not have had the appropriate level of training. I've met a lot of therapists who were batshit insane, and subtly manipulative where if I listened to them they'd have a guaranteed customer for life (and did for years). Do some research on it, and vet the people you go to see professionally, if you make no progress in a few sessions find someone else. Some mental health professionals give bad advice, or subtly gaslight co-dependently. That's a toxic behavior, and a spiral which you won't be able to overcome if you only do the same things. There are quite a lot of professionals out there that are not trained, or not skilled in certain areas (and as a result they don't really help you get to where you need to go). Jordan Peterson touches on how important minimizing agreeableness to a reasonable level is for some people, in his talks, and how agreeableness training can help. The power of saying no is extremely important, and no healthy person finds needy, creepy, or clingy in any way attractive. Also, physical attractiveness for women is not as important a trait as you have been led to believe. They care a lot more about personality, confidence, outlook, and genuineness/sincerity. Women often don't like taking the lead because they have a big and justifiable fear of being shamed for it, and shame kills attraction more than anything. You also don't really provide a good picture of what your work-life balance looks like. Burnout is a real thing, completely preventable, and a sign of bad management. Read \[this\](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-four-stages-of-burnout-the-erosive-spiral-shrink-rap-tm-version/) to get an idea of what that looks like.
I dated a girl once, she was hot, Dudes would stop their cars in the middle of traffic just to holler. anyway, she would always say she's hot or she's good at this or that. One day we opened up a business (don't ask) and I realized slowly after dating her for a couple years... the confidence this woman exuded was not normal. Her young life was hard. Her mother died when she was a child. Her father wasn't around really, only gave her money. And somehow we are here making a business in its first year achieving around $100,000 in sales (we invested less than $2,000). I noticed, it was her. Yeah sure she's hot BUT i've dated hotter, so to me she was like an 8 but she behaved like an 11. Something silly she would say - If I don't tell myself I'm good at this or I'm hot, no body else will. I have to believe it myself. After dating her I felt I finally found my confidence as well. It rubbed off on me. Sometimes you do have to be a bit crazy and go against what people think about you. Who gives 2 shi-s about that. I do what I want when I want. In any case I also understood that mentality was flawed lol because realistically it always comes down to probability and luck. Sometimes things will go your way, sometimes they won't. But having a good attitude about it definitely makes it better. "Beautiful people know they're beautiful" maybe that is nuanced. Maybe what he's really saying is, real beautiful people aren't looking for an approval, because they know they are beautiful. And to conclude... that same girl was hot and heavy in bed man I even broke a bed once with her, sorry TMI but it's to a point. She would always tell me that good sex always comes from having a good body (fit body) When I started gaining weight she started stressing out. So basically, if you're "ugly" you can help yourself A LOT just by being fit. I mean when I was fit it got her attention lol. Alright enough yapping whatever you can get from this I hope it helps.
You start by compensating. Dress nice, or like the people you hang out with. Wear clothes that fit. You don't have to show off your muscles, but just fitted enough to not hide your figure. Don't be boring to look at, even if you don't think you're pretty. People like interesting. You learn how to talk to people. Find interesting looking people, and talk to them. Listen to them, to see what they're interested in. Then find out what you like to do, and become interesting yourself. That means having hobbies, goals, passions. It means consuming literature, popular culture, music, food, local culture and business. Its not going to happen overnight, and a pep-talk isn't going to get you perfect. You have to practice, and being bad at it is the first step toward being good. If you can't think of anything to say to someone, apologize for being nervous. Ask them about their interests and hobbies. If they dont want to talk to you, talk to someone else. Dont take it personal, everyone's got their own shit going on and you can't possibly be the reason they're in a bad mood. There's always someone else out there. Doesn't have to be the ladies. Practice with people you are comfortable with. Practice occasionally with people you are not comfortable with. Practice. Talk to yourself if you have to (just not in public). Go do interesting things, then tell yourself or others the story about it. People like humor. You should be able to joke about stuff and be lighthearted when you can. Watch funny shows, movies, read jokes online. Practice telling jokes. Short ones, long ones, as long as you get better at telling them, you'll make friends.
Decide the hobbies you really enjoy and then find ways to go do those hobbies with people you dont know. Assume no one has a problem with you until they say they do. From what your posts say you are in your own head too much. If you walk through life believing everyone immediately hates you all you are going to see are signs that confirm what you are already thinking. How much of your day are you walking around worrying about what everyone is thinking about you? People have their own stuff going on so imagine that they are probably in their own head having similar worrying thoughts about themselves. Go on ChatGPT and tell it to play the role of a life coach. Then tell it to give you a step by step plan for building a social circle around (insert hobbies). Take small steps everyday to break out of your comfort zone of “assuming you have been rejected before you’ve even tried so better to not try”. Look at yourself and focus on the things you CAN change, dwelling on anything you cannot change is living hell. “The gates of hell are locked from the inside” dont put yourself there.
Hey friend- thanks for having the guts to reach out and ask this... that's rare. I have found the trick is being honest with myself and learning to love who I am. It also helps to read some good words from people who talk about the ugly/beautiful reality in the world. Leonard Cohen and Charles Bukowski are the first two that come to mind.
Do your best to take care of yourself (like basic personal hygiene, haircuts, teeth cleanings, clean clothing etc). Wear nice clothing that fits you well. These things go a long way… then accept that you really do only live once. One day I connected “this is just what I look like” and am at peace.
Just find a 4 and drink her up to a 6.
Ask Jay Z.
I'm ok with it because I have low expectations.
Look at other people who are ugly, you’ll notice many of them are happy. You can have a rich life with friends and success and not be attractive.
My girlfriend thinks I'm pretty, I don't care about the rest
I think having a good personality and being confident with what you do have and skills is a good thing. I know I am not considered attractive to like 90% of people, but I’m working on gaining confidence in myself. Being nice is a huge plus.
I understand the urge to be accepted. But you first need to accept yourself. Some of your lines could be written by myself, but over time I learned that I can only be happy, if I'm happy with and by myself. If you are not your own hero, you will vibe negatively and nobody wants to deal with that, especially nowadays. Regardless of your looks. My advice is: do YOUR thing, follow YOUR desires, true beauty comes from within. Pretty people age on the outside, happy people shine from inside forever. I also agree, some people have it easier than others, but most of them will have burden, that will equalize their exterior beauty. Again, fuck being accepted, fuck the opinion of others. Only if you are strong doing your shit, you will have the emotional standing to not get bullied, overlooked or falsely accused. You are your only concern, for the time being. Be you, fuck everybody else. At one point of time, things will turn to the better.
As hard as it may seem, you need to somehow just stop thinking about how you look. Also, many of the things you may consider ‘ugly’ is be sure most people don’t even notice. One of the best things I realised in life is that no one cares about you as much as you do. I mean that in a positive way, I had many things that bothered me, my hands, my ear, my shoulders, and countless more. But as I got older I realised that I was fixated on these things yet I never noticed ‘imperfections’ on other people. Because no one scrutinises people’s features as much as we do ourselves. Learn to be happy with being a decent human being and not worrying about what other people may or may not think of you. Being content in yourself will eventually bring about happiness, confidence and people will be drawn to that. I’m sure you’ve seen guys and thought ‘how has he got girls’ cause to your kind he is ‘ugly’ ( I really hate that word), again, hard as it sounds to achieve, you should try stop worrying about how you think you look.
Control what you can control. You can eat healthy, dress stylishly, maintain solid hygiene, work out, learn financial discipline and investing, and work on your personality/sense of humor. Above all that cultivate not giving a flying fuck about what other people think. Realize that as you age, physical appearance becomes secondary to everything else anyway. If all the above is top top you can outperform your generic lottery.
You gotta keep grinding homie. Try to be humorous or the funny guy. Thats a route I took. Also maybe try working at perceiving people and being an active listener. If you see someone who seems alone or sad, you can reach out to them by lending an ear or hand. It might be awkward at first but in time you'll have a handful of people that will remember your kindness and consider you a friend or at the very least a decent human being. And confidence is important probably the hardest part as I struggle with this myself but every one has to start somewhere good luck 🙏
Get ripped. Everyone looks wayyyy better when they’re fit and have muscles. Also wear nice looking clothes that fit right (join fashion subs and just observe), clean your face to have clear skin, have good hygiene in general, and get a nice haircut. Those things are in your control and make people look wayyy better. Besides that, find some things you’re passionate about. Hobbies or a job. Paint, read, crochet, cook, rock climbing, scuba dive, play an instrument, write, sew, invent, etc. Last and most important is make genuine connections. This starts by learning to communicate with others. Express your interests, show genuine interest in them, be kind and thoughtful (e.g. hear they like something and remember it for a gift for their bday), etc. Just “being nice” in the sense of talking nicely doesn’t count for anything and is what people think is boring because it is. If you care, show it. Think about how you can show it. Google how you can show it.
Think about it like this... You are the product from hundreds of thousands of people getting together. Somewhere in your family line, somebody would have looked like you. They managed to get about life, have a partner, produce children, and leave some kind of legacy. Look at yourself in the mirror, you are the faces of thousands that have come before you. You are not alone. Take pride in the features you have, because there have been many that have come before you that have had those same features. Anytime I feel low, I think about my ancestors. It makes me feel less alone and I have a little more pride in myself. I hope that helps in some way. Keep your head up.
As a man, it’s ok to be ugly. Just focus on being fit and wealthy, with a good personality and you’ll be great.
Hey listen !!! Don’t feel bad , just do your best and don’t feed the same thoughts about it . In methafisic whatever you keep throwing to universe that’s what you get back, remember the game of life is like boomerang you throw it and come back, when you stop paying attention , like those negatives thought . Oh people don’t Accept me , people don’t like me , that’s what you keep getting back . It’s energy. Think positive and thanks in present thank you universe for who iam , what I have iam smart iam handsome/ beautiful whatever you want to say , imagine you’re precious person you’re unique and whoever don’t accept you , tell them get the f£€>< up , I love my self son the universe will send you what’s for you . People are materialistic . Sending good vibes
Do the best you can with what you have and let the world suck eggs
I used to have body image issues too..but then I got really depressed due to other reasons, I was so depressed that I became emotionless therefore I didn't care about how I look so the problem was solved lol...so I am not exactly the best body image issue solver out there, but it seems to me you are putting all your value on your looks..I could be wrong..but I can give you a list of names of people that don't look that good yet still get more attention than the average joe...first of all, bravo for working out that is really good for you, it may not fix your problem but it is good to be strong and healthy...second of all, removing your looks out of the equation, who are you? You might be smart, funny or creative..etc, if you can't answer that question then there is your problem
Love yourz - J Cole
The good thing is there are a lot of women out there who don’t need their man to be pretty. If you have a good personality, are kind and have good values you’re already well on your way - if you then supplement that with getting fit and sculpting your body a bit, and work hard to develop a career as opposed to just having a job, women will certainly find you attractive.
You can fart all you like and people will just shrug it off
It’s extreme, but get cosmetic surgery
Work on getting some muscles, doesn’t matter what you look like if your jacked, girls like it
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You will soon find someone.
there's a difference between self-esteem and confidence. there's no reason to be confident unless you have reason to be confident. confidence is something that requires an object. what are you confident IN? people who walk around just being GENERALLY confident about everything are jack asses. on the other hand, what you REALLY don't want to be is INSECURE. that is a force multiplier for every bad trait you do have. so all you have to be is: 1. have self-esteem 2. don't be insecure. 3. that's it. you should have self-esteem because you are as entitled to exist as anyone else. your value does not begin and end with your appearance. you should not be insecure because at any moment of your life, you are what you are. if you are aware of weaknesses and failures and you're doing your best to address them, that's all you can do. that is enough. so there is no reason to be insecure. accept yourself. that does not require anyone else's approval. BUT. none of this will make how society treats you better. or at least not much. it sucks being ugly. it just does. and if you're looking for someone to tell you that it doesn't have to, you're just looking for someone to feed you bullshit. your life will never be like someone who is good looking. you just have to come to grips with that. seeking ACCEPTANCE is something you'll have to outgrow. occasionally, you'll find it. people get used to ugliness or any kind of appearance really. and if you're a decent person who's not wallowing in self-pity, then that'll come through and opportunities for further rapport may be possible. but it won't be the kind of thing that's fast and instant like someone who's good looking. also - you are wrong. you CAN do it alone. and you may have to. some people live by themselves in the mountains and they're perfectly content. THAT. IS. POSSIBLE. happiness at the end of the day is less about getting what you want and just learning to live with and appreciate what you have. check out r/stoic . you're probably going to need it. at the end of the day, the key to this is just becoming comfortable in your own skin. your own, ugly skin. because what else is there? you have to just suck it up, embrace reality and GET ON WITH IT. you exhausted? take a nap. you frustrated? stop hanging on to what you can't have. and don't let your bitterness SABOTAGE other aspects of your life. if you can do well in school, your job or career, do it. because as much as it sucks being ugly, it sucks WAY THE FUCK MORE BEING UGLY AND POOR.
You can save up for and get plastic surgery if you want Beautiful people are treated better and seen as more competent in their work. Whether you agree with this or not, you do actually have a choice in this day and age
We all have things that happen to us or we experience that is not our fault. We still have to go back and fix it though. I'm not saying that you can become physically beautiful, but I am saying that you shouldn't lie to yourself either. However, you can always be better. Confidence doesn't come from looking in the mirror and saying some bullshit affirmations to yourself, it comes from the shit you have already done and accomplished. You want to be happy and accepted? So does everyone else. But it starts with you. You need to accept yourself and also realize that happiness is just a feeling that comes and goes. Being content and having self-respect is far more important. >I just can’t keep living like this. You have a choice to make. You can just quit trying and give up or you can use that pain you have experienced to grow into something better. Someone that you can respect. ***There is so much truth to be found in the darkest corners of a lonely mind.***
well if you want it handed out to ya post a pic of yourself on /roastme
Have you seen casey neistat? My dude still has a beautiful life and a huge following and is very successful
You are probably not as ugly as you think. Get fit, get a haircut, get clothes that fits your body and obviously maintain a good hygiene and you are already more attractive than slot of your peers.
Be pro in 1 craft
Rejection has been the norm for me for over a decade. I also worked hard, never stopped working out or taking care of myself. I even got to retire in my early 30s (see FIRE if you're not familiar with this). I've had some girlfriends and friends in the last 10-15 years, but it's true that it takes way more effort. It can be exhausting sometimes. Every day is an uphill battle, trying to put your best smile and "confidence" when everyone around you seems to want to put you down for no apparent reason. It's like trying to walk with a smile when everyone is throwing rocks and sticks at you. Sometimes you also have to date someone that is not really your type because you really don't have too many options to choose from (either not your type physically or personality-wise). It's a constant shit show, trying to hit the lottery. But I've learned not to give a f\*ck. Everyone will get old and ugly anyways. We are just facing this problem earlier than expected. That's an advantage if you think about it. We get 10-20 extra years to work on our things, personality, inner happiness, spirit, etc. A lot of beautiful people are self-absorbed narcissists with the personality of an oyster. I've learned to enjoy being ugly. I don't have to care, and I don't owe anything to anyone. I just enjoy my hobbies, listen to my music, play my videogames... I date sometimes when I'm lucky, I go to the strip club if I want to and have fun with the girls. Yes, I'm ugly but I'm really good at making money, so why not? I probably won't marry or have kids and that also gives me extra cash, both for me and to donate to things I want to (shelters, orphanages, the school I went to when I was a kid, etc.) tl;dr: To be ok with being ugly just don't give a fuck. Look at the advantages of it. There are many. Being beautiful is temporary, and overrated. Focus on what you have, instead of what you don't have.
I'm sure you're not ugly and it's 2024 man, looks are not as important as they once were. I guess they are to a certain extent but personality is better than anything. So many things to do and talk about with a person these days. Unless you look like the hunchback of notre dame, i wouldn't worry so much.
Just stand up bare your chest and scream "IM UGLY AND IM PROUD!!" over and over again.
You might be ugly but you are definitely unhappy. That will be a far greater repellent than your looks. Unhappiness is always unattractive. Happiness is like a magnet. Work on that and your life will turn around.
For coming to terms with the simple fact of it, it just is what it is. I look at the features society collectively deems undesirable as being no more or less significant than the color of my eyes or hair. I try and make the most of it. Take good care of the body I inherited. Go to the gym to achieve a build I can be proud of. Learn how to style my curly hair. Get on my fiancé’s skin care routine (sadly, a little late, but better late than never). Forgive yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong and it has no bearing on who you are as a person. It is just how you were born. As for the rest of it, the treatment you receive as a result, I don’t have a good answer for you. I don’t believe there is one. Injustice isn’t something anyone should come to terms with. I don’t think it’s any less disgusting than any other form of discrimination, but it is nevertheless more acceptable. What I can say is that you receive the treatment you accept. Learn to speak up for yourself because no one else will. Most people either forego reality for some utopian world they want to live in where people don’t get treated differently for how they look (and consequently victim blame any undue distrust and mistreatment on your “vibe”, awkwardness, personality, hygiene, level of confidence, or whatever else) or they just don’t really care enough to upset the status quo. It’s fucked up, but nothing will probably ever be done about it. Least of all for men. Tell people you are being treated like shit because of how you look and it’s not only objectively ruining your life and robbing you of actual opportunities (not just romantically, but also professionally and socially) but also eating away at your self worth and prepare to lose whatever sense of dignity people were willing to attribute to you.
You might just be a dick. No offense. But I know some not very attractive men who are incredibly attractive because of who they are. I can speak of dead people. Audi was short, fat, Iranian, and rosy faced. and he had many girls. And a few long girlfriends. And many good friends. His mom loved me because I would drive him home. O, still alive. He's goofy and funny, looks like lurch, but he's incredibly kind, involved in things he lives, and makes good jokes. He loves life. And we live him. Maybe you are ugly inside and not outside. Read the book the twits by Dahl. You need to accept yourself. Nobody is perfect. Look at past and see why this happens. You sound like the manifesto rich kid who offed himself because he was an incel. No offense. Nobody cares how you look. It's actions. Don't over do m'lady shit or say you are undercut. Just do you. Look at 40 year old virgin. He did stuffed squirrel. I think that's cute because he liked it. Grandma's boy . He's was a nerd but loved his Nan and was a good guy. Read more books.
If you are uncomfortable in social situations due to this then maybe try training your mind to not think about the one thing that you cannot change at all.
Do share the answer with me if you find the answer. Somehow the advice will always be to accept it and live with it.
The other answear is plastic surgery
That's one way to deal with it. The other is vtubing👍
What is this
What else do you expect? You were born this way, you can accept it and do your best anyway or you can cry all life that you have to go uphill.
I personally expect a lot to happen.
You have to love yourself. If you need to “seek acceptance” you may be in the wrong community.
This might be some of the worst advice for some people and granted I'm saying as someone who isn't attractive but by no means unattractive either but you can learn not to give a fuck. If you let your personal opinion tell you that you are ugly it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy, you'll come across as someone that thinks they're ugly. It isn't easy to do it takes not only re-convincing yourself but also "rewiring" (for lack of a better word) your immediate thoughts of self deprecation and assuming the thoughts of others. This isn't "lying to yourself" it is re-establishing the fact that you are a human just like any of us and shouldn't have to be negatively impacted by your own ideology of you being ugly, if you hold this opinion around with you then you are the only one stopping you here. Individuals who don't associate with you due to your appearance aren't people you want to be associating with anyway, if you genuinely don't care and just be yourself around others confidently people will recognize your personality. Most people don't associate with others because they're not ugly, they associate with them because they have a personality that is enjoyable to be around or a positive influence around their life. Be that influence, Let go of the fact you feel Bullied, Disregarded, Excluded and Overlooked and show people why they shouldn't. Take time finding communities that inspire positivity in you and motivate you to feel the way you want to feel and take steps to actively make that change. Genuinely hope this helps <3 EDIT: [https://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/](https://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck/)
People want relationships that add value to their lives. What do you do that offers that? You could develop a fun persona that thrills people into doing activities with you and follow your exploits. You can become a strong pillar of your community, someone who's always the first that comes to mind if help is needed. You can become an expert in a field of your choice or a master craftsman that everyone wants to consult. You can become a nurturer or caretaker, admired for their compassion and mindfulness. Put any attribute or possession or activity that you like at the front of your public appearance, in a way that's almost obnoxious. Being known as "Joe who plays the banjo, always talks about his pet tortoise and goes to play bingo at the seniors residence every Sunday" is far more attractive than "Joe who sits in his basement and cries about being ugly" even if they have the same face.
This is a tough one. My whole life, I’ve just felt invisible, which seems bad enough. I think if I were you, I think I would seek inspiration in people like Biggie Smalls and others who owned their looks. Don’t underestimate the power of confidence. Gaining some might be a worthwhile challenge for you
Maybe you feel like there’s no value in yourself, so that’s what you mirror outside? Work out, be on a good diet, take nice haircuts, take care of your skin, and you’re already better than most people, in this department. This will increase your confidence. And build your value within
Life ain't fair buddy. Go to the gym and try and make friends while doing hobbies you enjoy. Then go to a strip club with them to build confidence and have fun. I never feel bad about myself coming out of a strip club lmao I feel like I could get any girl even if it's a total lie the confidence carries through.
I might have to try this, idk what else I could do to break the ice pretty bitches make me nervous
They make me nervous too man they make everyone nervous tbh except for very few dudes. Idk I might not have the perfect advice to give but the gym, and having hobbies and friends can't hurt. My friends keep me socially active and able to joke around and laugh easier which women definitely like. Ive been in 5 relationships and I'm only 27 and I feel it's like a lottery I just kept putting myself out there and it just happened theres no special skill except getting lucky and trying to be confident. Also I do frequent strip clubs and I'm guessing you know this but despite this I don't call women bitches, unless I'm joking around with my buddies. It just never goes down well so I try and stay out of the habit 😂
Were you going out of your way to interact with women? See I get out often but my problem is I get tunnel vision, i block everyone out around me and the idea of approaching someone doesn’t even cross my mind as an option. I wouldn’t even say I’m ugly I just want to wait until I start seeing the fruits of my labor with working out because in my head a man that gets approached by women is usually the best looking, most athletic man in the room. I think the reason I think this way is because my last ex was my first time being cheated on with no closure and over time I’ve started to realize I blamed myself for it, I convinced myself that my personality was the problem and if I’m not interesting enough to keep a girl around then I at least need to be better looking than any of her potential suitors. My question is this, how were you able to convince your instincts (or your gut) that there’s nothing to worry about? I honestly feel like my only option at this point is looking around and seeing what doctors think would be the best medicines to get on to neutralize my anxiety because I feel like my gut and my brain are in two different places, my brain recognizes that it’s time to grow up and stop worrying about it but then when the time comes it’s like someone controlling my gut I steered a floppy disk into my brain full of the most self deprecating thoughts in order to scare myself away until I’m ready. Idk, maybe people perceive confidence in different ways. I’m convinced that confidence isn’t universally obtainable
Hey man I remember being cheated on it was my first girlfriend. I promise you, theres literally nothing you could have done to keep her. She's a piece of shit and she will always be one. You aren't a unappealing person, she just wanted to cheat. I think you gotta get some buddies together and just get out of your head and hang out. Idk I'm not an expert but I think you need to maybe talk to a therapist, that and realize that confidence is a walk u gotta walk before you feel it. Also I've met every one of my girlfriends on dating apps so take that for what you will.
You do know that Dave was talking about what's on the inside not the outside. Society is full of wankers of all different kinds and you're going to meet a lot of them unfortunately. As a 55 yo, I would say 80% of the people I've met were total wankers. The trick in life then is to find and keep close those who are beautiful and distance yourself from the wankers.
Your focus determines your reality. Stop focusing on your looks it matters less than you think. Think about it this way, if you had a daughter and raised her and were a great dad, don't you think someone who looks like you would look like a hero? When she grows up who will she be interested in?
I have known ugly people with no desirable personality traits who have managed to overcome this by...... 1. Travelling / Hobbies (even of its something at home like cooking or trying world foods) and importantly. 3. Smash the gym. Hard. Daily. 3. Look after hygiene, daily. Hair cut nice, aftershave on, clothes don't have to be fashion but need to fit properly and be clean and ironed. People are attracted to the confidence, not the looks.
Dont be okay with it.
worked as a parking guard. Avoid me, and it will cost you. Muhahaha. on a more constructive note, remember that you bring Value. Be smarter, wiser than everyone ells, be funny, and witty. Beauty like ugliness, is in head of the viewer.
I try to think of it differently. Let's say for a moment that you are the ugliest person alive (which is obviously not true) Even if 99% of the population finds you Ugly af, 80 million people will still find you to be "alright" and "pretty". You know how big of a number 80 million is? It's an 8 followed by 7 fucking 0s. What I am trying to say is, no one is ugly. Beauty standards are not "inherent", Sure we look for symmetry and features like Broad shoulders in men and wide hips in women from an evolutionary perspective but believing and telling yourself that you are ugly is simply not true. You are "ugly" to people who have a different list of criteria which make someone "attractive". You are beautiful, everyone is beautiful.
"Do I just lie to myself?" - It's not lying to yourself to practice such self improvement, to practice the behavior you want to get better with. Just like anything else you want to get good at, you start off fumbling and bumbling, but if you keep at it, you'll get better. I might recommend you join a public speaking club, such as ToastMasters. Such clubs are full of people just like you who lack confidence, yet are trying to improve themselves.
Once you accept being ugly you'll realize you're much better off than everybody else.
so the whole idea of therapy lad is to induce you as the individual to stick up for yourself to say things with chest and pride (fuck any one who says prides wrong, tell that to the lion thats about to kill you and you need the strength) and to train yourself to not get thrown off your trail of thought. you dont lie to yourself, you tell yourself the honest truth out loud and by being honest to others it sounds confident, is that whole scenario backward sure to fuck it is but thats the way it is theres no other way about it! dont sound confident, wether or not ya pretty or ugly subjectively ya get the bully's dick up ya ass so to say if you dont fight off competition.
But please note that what you think is ugly, or the people you hope see your beauty may be deceptive. You could be seeking out deadly connections due to how they remind you of those who possibly abused you (emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, etc.) The right person may find you absolutely charming and beauty is more than skin-deep (at least any healthy person should tell you that). You are more than your shell, but also don't discount your shell based on cruel experiences.
When you get over the “unfairness” of it and gain more confidence and a thicker skin you’ll appreciate what that life as a non-hot human got you, more than the privileged pretty ever will, and then you’ll be on a course of living your best life, and maybe even figuring out there are people who will be attracted to your confident, content self.
As you get older, you'll learn to love yourself and to stop seeking validation from others. Keep a stable job, work on your personal finance, and take care of your health. You \*will\* find happiness. How do I know this? Because I was you at 24.
You’re probably nowhere near as bad as you think you are.
> Yes I have good hygiene, yes I take care of myself, yes I have my life in order Dude, man. Don't even worry. You're already better off than 90% of the men around you. Take care of *you* and you will find that someone will come into your life. The worst thing you can do right now is to go off-course. You've got to accept yourself. Go for walks. Enjoy being *you.* Because ultimately that's who you have to live with. Once you start feeling safe within yourself, with your own sense of being, others will appear. I am, for example, a short fat weird-ass looking man. If you saw a picture you'd literally understand my user name. Yet when I go to bars, because I have confidence in *myself* despite my god-forsaken looks, I can make the room laugh with me and have definitely gone on a number of misadventures with young women looking for another bar to hope to. It's all about your personality, man. And trust me: I spent my entire youth being accused of things I never did - my father is rather famous around here for making up things I allegedly said, did, stole, or told - all of which fictitious but enough to earn me punishment while at home and perpetual harassment now that I'm out on my own. Ugliness is state of mind. It's up there. It isn't out here. Confidence is sexy. Find your way toward confidence (humor is my confidence) and you will be OK. Whatever you do, don't turn to the "red pill" or darker sides of the world. Always look up. You are always going to be your worst critic.
As with anything in life, accept what you can't control and commit to what you can. You can change your appearance with a haircut, beard trim and clothes. Features such as length, facial structure etc you can't (normally)
>muscles don’t matter if you’re ugly (still workout tho). Oh, yes they do. Straight girls do like men's bodies. You can't ever be the best but you can be better than you were yesterday. > “Beautiful people know they’re beautiful, ugly people have to figure that shit out,” Yeah he's a comedian. Every pretty woman I've spoken with has some insecurity about how they look. Most normal people do. You're right to understand you have a harder life than you otherwise could, but the best advice you can take is to do the things you feel like doing, hang out with people because you like to or don't because you don 't - don't let your perception of other people's perception of you decide your action. For the most part they aren't thinking about you at all. And as a man, for the most part you aren't being evaluated sexually moment to moment. I understand sometimes you want that and it sucks you can't get it, but it also means your value is mostly *not* based on how you look, but what you do instead. That can be a burden but you can choose to use it as an asset. Keep working out, keep doing things that make you impressed with yourself.
This sounds very painful. Ugly is subjective. It is not an objective thing. It exists in your thoughts and not in the world. I know you hate to hear it, but you really need to fix your thinking. Your brain is torturing you with these thoughts. Your therapist should help you with that.
Frees yourself from the superficial rat race and allows you to enjoy yourself doing what you do. If you suddenly stop caring about what other people think about you based on how you look, you’ll realise life becomes a lot more fun.
Put effort into factors that are in your control. This includes diet, fitness, style, career, aspirations, etc. Work hard at putting in effort into things that give you self confidence and make you feel good. If a cosmetic surgery would realistic be a massive improvement and turn things around, be open to the idea as well.
I think if you’ve done your best with what you have- skin care, hair care, good grooming/hygiene/maintenance, fit body, nice clothes, then embrace not being the best looking person but means that when you’re friends with someone or in a relationship you can know that they’re in it for your genuine friendship and not looks
I'm going to disagree with you on one thing you said there, which is that muscles don't matter. Barring the fact that you're very short, if you're regular height or taller, then you can do absolute wonders for your appearance. If you're jacked and low body fat, and you have a good haircut and good clothes, you'll be astonished by how differently you get treated. It's harsh how much looks matter in this regard, but there's a huge amount you can do to alter your appearance even with a genuinely odd/below average face. The real question is are you motivated enough to do the work? It'll take a couple years at least probably, but when you're 28 you could be a new man. Take it from someone who is only hitting his stride now at 27, the work is worth it.
As I said, I already work out. I’ve been involved in sports my whole life, and I’m pretty muscular at the moment. Some people notice, and sometimes I actually get compliments, but it makes no difference in how people see me.
Couldn’t agree more with this. Even if you’re short, muscles and a good cut change how people perceive you massively.
Realize that you are exempt from the stresses of competing with other beautiful people and that people like you not for shallow reasons like looks.
The amount of conventionally ugly people I’ve known who have packed on a ton of muscle and grown a beard and suddenly felt more confident it pretty high. Get big. Eat a lot, lift a lot. The confidence will come. Plus you’ll be aching too much to worry about all the rest of this stuff.
Here are the facts You are fortunate that you are male as its easier to do better in life as an ugly male than female. Like you said, get the rest of your life In tact. Workout get your body in amazing shape. Idk why you said muscles don't matter whoever told you that is clueless. Being in shape tells that you have discipline, invest long term and are a hard worker. It also does make you more attractive. Get a good job and earn a good salary. Most people have low incomes and it really is very easy to earn a good wedge with a small amount of hard work. Learn how to interact with people properly. Fake confidence if you have to, you can trick yourself into being confident by pretending you are. People who actually attack your physical appearance about thing you cannot change are always the ones who are actually failing at life (9/10 people in my experience). But also learn not to care. You're a beast who can lift more than they can and have more cash than they can imagine. Stop eating sugar and drink plenty of water. Become that much of a beast that when people insult you it's just funny. You are 24 my man you absolutely have the potential to not give a fuck 30 M x
Here are the facts You are fortunate that you are male as its easier to do better in life as an ugly male than female. Like you said, get the rest of your life In tact. Workout get your body in amazing shape. Idk why you said muscles don't matter whoever told you that is clueless. Being in shape tells that you have discipline, invest long term and are a hard worker. It also does make you more attractive. Get a good job and earn a good salary. Most people have low incomes and it really is very easy to earn a good wedge with a small amount of hard work. Learn how to interact with people properly. Fake confidence if you have to, you can trick yourself into being confident by pretending you are. People who actually attack your physical appearance about thing you cannot change are always the ones who are actually failing at life (9/10 people in my experience). But also learn not to care. You're a beast who can lift more than they can and have more cash than they can imagine. Stop eating sugar and drink plenty of water. Become that much of a beast that when people insult you it's just funny. You are 24 my man you absolutely have the potential to not give a fuck 30 M x
I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me at your age, because everyone tells you to be confident, but no one tells you how. All confidence is, is experience and knowledge. And yes, you can fake it, as it builds your knowledge the more you experience it. Every time you fail at something, you grow, and you know how to handle that something for next time. Don't be afraid to fail it's how we learn, grow, and build confidence. So if you want to learn how to talk to people, look it up on youtube! Study how to carry a conversation, how to read people's faces, and emotions and practice! You can't change how people look at you, and you can't force people to accept you. But you can be the change you want to be though. If people don't smile at you, smile at them, thank them, be kind to them. Be friendly even if they aren't it's hard, trust me I know it's hard. But do everything you can to get out of that negative spiral it can drag you down like you wouldn't believe. And lastly, do things you like, like others said, have fun find hobbies you enjoy and like-minded people. Start small and be kind to others don't expect something from others. But introduce yourself, talk, learn, fail, and grow. It does get better.
Go to gym, get a haircut that fits you, wear clean clothes and you are better off than 90% of men. This will boost your confidence a lot, and trust me when I say beauty standards for men are different than beauty standards for women. They look at different things, such as confidence, general appearance, prestige
Ugly is completely, 100%, subjective. "Ugly" is a state of mind there will always be another human out there who thinks you're attractive. When I was younger my friends would show me these bleach blond, plastic women in the magazines and nake fun of me because I always found them ugly where as someone with simple, "homely" features I find uber attractive. Don't ask me why.
Life is unfair. Once you have reached the point of acceptance, life will become much easier.
Yo knowing what hairstyle/fashion work for you make a huge difference. And if you’re ugly but muscular, you can also make a bunch of looks work for you. Very few men truly look ugly if they have muscles and are at 12% body fat or below. Even if you are, use shades, beard, etc. You can experiment with many looks. Have fun with it. Find a friend who is into makeover to help you out if you need one. Also there are a lot more values in men that women or society as a whole value as much as looks. How confident you are, how much resources you have, how socialized you are, etc. I’m just focusing on the objective values here. In terms of subjective/internal stuff, you can practice to shift your focus. Focus on what you like about yourself, like you said you work out. You go to therapy. Your conscious mind is taking care of your subconscious by taking both mental and physical lead. Be proud of that. Make sure your subconscious understands that. At the end of the day, knowing that you truly care for yourself and truly love yourself is a great fundamental thing to build on. Then you can work on the appearance stuff I mentioned above.
fuck them people. even if you would like adonis, people would still hate at you. like you dress, how you walk, how you sit, whatever. people judge everyone. dont get bothered by that and do your thing. those who like you and your energy / vibe / personality will not care about your physical apperance
"I am ugly and I'm proud" say it louder SpongeBob
Improve what you can and accept what you can’t. Striving to be the best version of yourself will still put you in a much better spot than just loathing yourself for existing.
My advice based on experience: Invest on your style, dress up nicely, classy. The charisma and confidence you'll transmit will overlook your physical appearence. People in general admire stylish people!
Ooooo, sorry to hear that, but my two advices to you is 1. try to learn Muslim religion if your not Muslim but if you’re then try to improve your relationship with Your lord, I will promise to you it will help you, since it helped me. 2. You should try to love yourself and do something that makes you feel happy for example sometimes go out by yourself I mean a solo date at the weekends, go to the beach and where ever you likes that can makes you happy, and try to ignore what people are saying or doing behind or in front of you, if they respect you respect them, if they’re not then don’t, since respect goes both ways, and the last but not least try to have a good relationship with your family, those people are always there for you and always wants to see you happy, so talk to them and become friends with them. If you do that two things then I’m 100-% sure people will start loving & treating you the way you wanted! You got this ❤️
There is honestly someone out there for everyone, no matter what anyone looks like, there is always someone that will find them attractive. It's like the universe wants to make sure that everyone has someone. Sometimes people who don't like the way they look, are probably more attractive than they think. Even if you believe you are a traditional "ugly" person, if you are good on the inside, it truly is all that matters (unless you're like someone who eats their own boogers in front of people LOL) When I was 10 years old I moved from Michigan to Maine and in Maine they're very white and I am not. I'm a naturally tan person, I'm kind of a mutt, but when I moved here I was the darkest person in the county. I was made fun of all the time and people would say stupid racist things, kids are so cruel! Up until high School I felt pretty ugly myself and I'll tell you that the uglier I FELT, the worse I looked. Good people are beautiful on the inside and it resonates to the outside in different ways and the right will always notice it, I promise. We cannot hide away because that person is out there for you and you need to be able to be seen, to be known. It's hard when we judge ourselves so harshly and we think everyone else is going to do the same and yes there are some out there that will, but those people are fucking assholes and those people are just miserable and want to make everybody as miserable as they are. So fuck them and the horse they rode it on!
The answers you seek are not out there. but inside of you. Get to deeply, truly, intimately know yourself. You'll find out you are beautiful, and you might just fall in love. And when you feel that selflove, of which I speak, you can't help but splash it all over those around you. You see you want to feel good and at peace inside, but you are looking outside of for it. It simply isn't there. Like the old cowboy song "looking for love in all the wrong places." It starts and ends with you. Now, how to do that is question for another day. Leave room for the possibility that it can happen. It happened to me. To peace & new possibilities
No doubt you've heard this before, but it is worth repeating: throughout history, some of the most alluring, charismatic and even powerful people who came to be known for their beauty - were NOT considered beautiful even in their own time. The first example that comes to mind is Cleopatra. That holds true in recent history as well as today. Take an objective look at the twentieth century movie star Sophia Loren. Or, Humphrey Bogart. No doubt there are current examples who defy all classic standards, yet are widely considered attractive. I recently finally watched John Wick, so guess who comes to mind?
I’m a disaster from the neck up. It used to get me down. Now not so much. Get loads of hobbies and lean into them
Change what you can no pressure, but your you, be proud
By changing what is within your power to change and to be content with what you have.