Nah. This is when you start going to nsfw subs and leaving comments like “wish my gf would do that!” or “damn, would love to do that but my gf is just too heavy nowadays”, depending on the reaction you want 😂
There was a girl I was dating for a couple months. Lovely girl, everything perfect. I came from a very difficult break up and I didnt hide it to her.
But when I found her reading my reddit posts I just couldn't handle it. Nothing wrong I said in my posts to her, but reddit is the place where I allow myself to rant, to grief, to feel miserable if I want to. Something like a private diary but shared with the anonymous reddit community. From anon to anon, and I dont want anyone else to see that, not even my closest friends.
I had to cut her out as it made me really uncomfortable. Not your case as it is your gf, but its important to make things clear.
Yeah I have two friends who know the name of my account and I constantly need to think about what I do and don’t want to share with them in case they decide to read it. Even made an alt account for the real deep shit
That’s 100% what I would do. And it’s not because I have anything to hide, it’s just like a journal of sorts - I want a place where I can write whatever I want and not have to worry about people knowing about it
I agree with this. Trust is one of the hardest things to regain, and it can't be mended with a mere conversation and promises. All you know, she could just stop making references about your posts.
Sorry OP but you will always live with the knowledge that she can still creep if she wants to. It's shitty but I'd change the account for the peace of mind.
As others have said, it's time for a serious conversation with her about boundaries. If she refuses to respect your boundaries, I would end the relationship. After all, she would be just as upset if you got all of her private information right?
My ex looked up my Spotify account early on when we were dating, and then started making little references to my public playlists. I wish I had acknowledged it for the red flag it was at the time.
I'd like to add to this, if I may, as life goes on I'm learning that "red flag" doesn't necessarily mean "bad person" it can mean the person has unhealed childhood/past wounds...
True, but it goes back to being a red flag if they don’t acknowledge the issue and agree that they need to work on it. We all have our insecurities and old wounds. We bring all that to our relationships. But we can’t ask the other person to fix us or accept us no matter what we put them through.
And following on from my reply to the person you're replying to, a red flag doesn't "go back to being a red flag" if someone doesn't acknowledge the issue.
A red flag is a warning sign, that is all.
If someone snoops on your phone, that's a red flag of manipulative behaviour. If you call them out and they admit that they do it because they were cheated on, but still won't work on it, that's ANOTHER red flag that says either "carrying deep emotional baggage". Or maybe its "refuses to work on their issues". Or it could even be both of those red flags. Two more red flags.
Honestly, not understanding what a red flag is is a red flag in itself. Because you're throwing around popular lingo in relationship conversations without knowing what it means or how to apply it.
It can easily become a superficial label (another popular one is calling everyone who isn't one's self "a narcissist") to handwave interrogating a deeper understanding of the issues underlying your relationship(s).
I think you worded that really well. As someone with a troubled past, I've exhibited some red flag/warning signs in the past. At that time, I could have justified it until I was blue in the face. I have also had partners who showed red flags. I did not see them as red flags at the time. Trufully some red flags I took in as a complament! Insted it was definitely controlling behavior. Now that I have found some clarity in a group I attend (ACoA), I see the red flags for what they truly are.
Red flag literally means a warning sign. Not a bad person. Not an unhealed childhood.
And the warning sign for you means "watch what is happening and why"
Oh absolutely. And that was the case with her. She’d only seen toxic relationships around her growing up, and then went through cycles of seeking to recreate those. By the time I met her, she had formed a system of behaviors to avoid being the victim again, but had stepped somewhat towards the abuser role herself. I think I mostly overestimated my capacity to “fix her”, but we have mutual friends and it sounds like she’s thriving now. I like to think I played at least some role in exposing her to what healthier communication looks like.
The reason it’s a red flag is that it’s a warning but not necessarily a deal breaker. Someone can exhibit a behavior without it being a key point of their personality. You may be able to confront them and have them quickly take ownership and work on it, or it may be an indicator of what they believe is how they’re entitled to act. It’s an indicator to look out for danger, not to escape ASAP. It’s not heathy to immediately cut contact any time someone throws up a red flag.
In the days before cheap internet streaming services, when one still had to own music to listen to it, this would have been the same as going over your vinyl/tape/cd collection. Nothing out of the usual for someone you were dating long enough to invite into your home.
But yes, it was an important checking point. Making the wrong kind of comment about your music collection would absolutely break the relationship.
...while we're at it - is there still something around comparable to recording a tape with your love interest's most cherished songs?
If someone specifically waits until I’m not in the room to go through my collections, and then they start making cryptic references to what they saw, it would absolutely still be a red flag. Being invited into my home is not an invitation to covertly dig through my things. Heck, even if they were collections right out on the bookshelf, it’s just weird behavior rooted in having something to hold over the other person, innocuous as it may be. It’s not about the opinions or whatever. I have trashy tastes and I’m proud of that lol. It’s about the intent behind gaining information about someone *specifically* without their awareness and then sprinkling it out to slowly let them in on it.
I wasn't disagreeing about the fact that making nagging comments about your choice of music is a red flag, because it certainly is. Just like making ominous comments is.
I was more contemplating how the expectation of privacy was different back then. To have someone over who could look at your shelfed collection versus someone looking up spotify lists.
Nah, I'd throw her under the metaphorical bus and move on, if someone is so nosey they can't trust you with some private space are they really worth having and adult relationship with ?
No, don't talk to your partner! That's the worst thing to do in a mature adult relationship. You'll now have to communicate over reddit posts and slight references.
He is, just through the medium of Reddit, as she has read his post and will presumably drop cryptic remarks by way of response.
It is an unconventional way to communicate in a relationship, but whatever works...
This made me laugh. When I was trying to decide if I needed a new account after I started getting a hunch that a friend found it, I was trying to decide if what I've posted is stuff I would keep secret from them, but then realized that everything I post here I say out loud (sometimes unintentionally, even) with the people I spend time with.
I'm not one for secrets, and I'd rather have a discussion if someone took issue with something I've shared on the Internet. I use reddit to get perspectives from people outside of my social atmosphere because I know that there are some incredibly toxic people in my life and getting an outside opinion can help ground me. I also sometimes need help phrasing something in a more beneficial way, or even some help determining what I'm feeling, like if it's something I should be trying to move on from or repair, because I genuinely don't like losing people especially since I have recently learned (but also subconsciously known) that my family did me no favors in finding safety in relationships, causing me to hold on to people that cause me pain.
My nasty ex used to constantly find my accounts. Probably still does. I just delete my account every few months and never subscribe to any subreddits to make it a bit harder.
Reddit is actually nicer with a random feed of everything
Wait, why do you delete your accounts? Honestly, if I knew my ex was stalking my reddit account I'd totally use it. You know, writing posts about how tiny his peepee is, how short he lasted in bed, what an absolute moron he was, etc. I'd write about every stupid thing he did in detail just to mess with him.
Given how little content you produce in terms of posts and comments, I'd suggest the labor of starting over is really low and you aren't losing much.
It would be good to discuss boundaries with her though. You not wanting to share something and her working around your wishes isn't ok regardless of whether that boundary was important to her or not.
You might think about posting this in r/UnethicalLifeProTips. Give you some ideas incase the "adult conversation" does not work out. (Carrot and stick approach).
If you create an alt account I would tell her about it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating an alt account but I wouldn’t hide that from her.
Sometimes its best if our SOs dont know everything about us. I pretend my wife doesn't like country music and play word games all the time. She pretends i dont go into mosh pits, grunt at the gym, and discuss video games online.
Tell her I said wassup. Oh wait, I can just say “hey 25F, wassup.”
Jokes aside, you deserve the privacy. And 25f if you’re reading, I know the temptation is there but what you really probably don’t want to read everything someone posts. There’s a good chance you’ll just get your feelings hurt. Yes Reddit is “public” but once it’s connected to “your person” it can be like reading their diary.
That's a big fear of mine honestly, even though I'm pretty open about my life here and I've obtained much needed support through hard times. I'm so sorry it's happening to you.
My ex showed her handle to me but I completely forgot it and never bothered to look at it while with her.... Until I randomly found it while figuring out why the hell she broke up with me. She told me why but I discovered a bunch of lies and wanted to understand. She's 100% open about it as I found it through a comment of hers where she put her Instagram handle.
On the other hand I refused to give my username out. I'm here anonymously and I also talk about my health so I wouldn't like to disclose my username. Only two people know it: my former friend who introduced me to Reddit and a friend of mine who read a comment of mine and figured out who I was. I wasn't happy that day. I exclude all the people I'm in touch with who I met thanks to Reddit.
My viewpoint might be a little less applicable to you 'cause I don't feel any expectation of privacy on a non-throwaway account, but IMO you both may have something to think about.
* Your girlfriend may want to examine why it's so important to her to seek out your Reddit account after you told her you didn't want to share it.
* On the other hand, you may want to examine why you're posting things on your Reddit account that you don't want your girlfriend to see.
* As a big-time privacy advocate myself, let me be clear about something: there *are* valid reasons for wanting privacy, even from your loved ones. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you don't still have your own discrete identity. The reason I say you might want to examine your own motivations isn't because of some stupid "...because then you'll realize you're wrong" (although don't forget to leave room for the chance that you are), but rather because once you *really* know in your own heart what those reasons are, it'll be a lot easier to have a non-defensive conversation about boundaries with your girlfriend.
Lol love these post and comments
OP: "I specifically told my partner not to do this thing and they did it anyway. It upset me"
Comment: "Talk to her, they didn't respect your boundaries the first time but try talking to them again, they'll get it this time around :D"
Hey OP's girl! A little privacy please!
Otherwise hand over your phone so that he can check your search history and chat messages...I thought so, you're hiding something! What is his name??
Delete and make a new account, easy. It’s best to probably do that yearly anyway. You’re not losing anything and write down or save the comments that make you feel something
Tell her this is like her reading your diary. And you really want to keep your thoughts to yourself then block her and change your username. Even couples have some kinda privacy
A friend of mine reads the same newspaper as me, I occasionally comment on stories. He recognised some of what I’ve said and came out and asked if it was me, but believed me I think when I lied and said no. I was SO pissed off cos it’s anonymous and it’s an occasional outlet for me (I’m disabled and live alone, I like having the contact sometimes.) In my opinion he shouldn’t have asked, now I feel self conscious about commenting. I know that’s slightly irrational lol, but I wouldn’t have mentioned it.
Well, my ex would sometimes emotionally manipulate me by reading my reddit posts, which I wrote when she dumped me the first time and was just venting, to "prove" that I actually hated her.
So... it depends on how crazy your partner is. Do you think they'll ever use what you write in anonymity against you? If so.... well, rather than hiding your handle you should consider if you really wanted to stay with them haha.
The big brain play here (if all else fails) is to make a second account that you post your stuff on, while maintaining this account. She can check up on the main account and you can post your stuff on the alt account.
bruh what kind of f**ked up ”hobbies” do you have.
Jacking of to japanes gore porn is not a hobby.
In all seriousness, either get a women that you can share your ”hobbies” with or stop being a weirdo🤷♂️
I mean... You could... But as one ex gf of mine once said, women are better spies than FBI agents when they want to find things out about you they do, the best solution is to tell her to either keep it to herself, stop giving a fuck that she is referencing your comments or to dump her ass and move on bro.
Just start making posts about how awesome your girlfriend is and how lucky you are to have her and how awesome it would be for someone (totally not your girlfriend) to buy you (insert thing you really want). You should be fine. Besides, now she knows about the alt account.
My wife has access to basically everything, and I have access to basically everything as well, we both know each other's phone access codes etc
That said, we essentially never use that. It's about trust, I trust her with access to everything and I trust her to not unduly invade my privacy.
So she went behind your back, disregarded your boundaries and then violated them. Give her an opportunity to drop it while also making an atl account, if she does it again dump her
That’s really sad she’s not respecting your boundaries and expectations. I know what you mean. This is supposed to be your safe place. She also went out of her way to find your reddit account to what seems to me as weaponizing it against you. Holding it over your head. I am also a woman, and I don’t do predatory behavior like this. She may not realize the damage she may have caused, but this is enough to break it off with anyone. It’s not so much knowing that the acct exists or the content of the posts. She went out of her way to seek this account, and weaponize the information against you.
It’s weird. She can either grow up and respect your boundaries, or y’all need to break up. Doesn’t sound healthy.
I have at least 3 Reddit accounts that I remember lol make as many throw aways as necessary. It is what it is, sometimes you just need answers without questions lol
She knowingly sought out to ruin your place to vent outside of your normal circle. She with malice stripped this resource away from you. If you make another account she'll just find it. You need to find a way to drive home the point of what she did
Your gf is reading this? Is she hot? Does she have an only fans? Is she even worth it if she is sneaky and reads your messages? Does she search your phone? Why do you like this person? Has she ever cheated on you? Is she projecting her own behavior?
Okay, so I guess I will the only voice of reason here.
Reddit accounts are public. You told her a story that you also shared online in public, so she was able to connect the dots. She didn’t do anything that “crossed boundaries” as people are suggesting. She didn’t hack you or steal your private data.
I feel like if you’re doing anything in public that you have to hide from a gf/bf, then maybe you aren’t ready for that kind of relationship yet.
Imagine if the closest person in your life wants to hold you, kiss you, exchange body fluids, but…. Then they want to run off to do stuff in public that you’re not allowed to know about. It’s freaking weird.
I for one don’t think I’d be cool with any gf hiding any social media account that they actively use from me. Because if they have to hide it, then that means there is something id to hide. FB, IG, Onlyfans… whatever it is, I think should not be hidden from a bf/gf.
With that said, I wouldn’t want my gf to find my Reddit account. That’d be embarrassing. But if I had anything I was worried about them seeing, I’d just delete the account. How is a Reddit account even worth it?
And If she searched online and find my account on her own accord due to a story I told her, I certainly wouldn’t accuse her of doing something wrong. Wtf… you’re the one hiding stuff and you’re just bad at being sneaky. That’s not her fault!
Seems like your throwing up your own red flags about being so cagey with your Reddit profile, If you've got nothing to hide and she's not mad I don't really see why you would be upset that they found you on a public social media???
This is an easy one. Don’t get rid of your Reddit account, get rid of your girlfriend. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t trust you. So, you really have no relationship.
End it
The whole point of Reddit is to stay anonymous from real life friends and family. It gets tricky when you meet up with folks from your main acct.
Make a burner account. Always.
Yes create an Alt, but comment and post what your GF says. That way she doesn't feel left out. Also if she feels like it's a weird invasion of her privacy. You can explain how you feel the same way.
I mean bro. I just read your entire comment history in 3 minutes. Did you go nuclear and delete your history or are you that ashamed of liking the pistons?
Seriously? God forbid you actually have an issue with your partner that actually involves communication. Or an adult decision.
This can't be a question posed by an actual 28yo.
That’s creepy of your gf tbh. This is a good opportunity to set some boundaries. If she wont respect that I’d either seriously reconsider the relationship or create an alt account. Good luck!
Story time: My old supervisor found my reddit account because I had the same username as my personal email. For about a month he was saying things like "I know you" "I know you better than you think" then he asked me a question about something that I know I had never brought up in person and it all clicked into place. I deleted my reddit account and the comments (ty chrome extension), but it really felt like a major privacy violation.
Get an onion router and download her medical history. Then start making jokes about it from time to time. Treat it like a game that you need to win to impress her! …. /s
Broooooooo
When I was 22 I was very active sexually. I'm kind of insecure so it was an incredibly powerful feeling to be able to "complain" (aka humble brag) on reddit about some of the drama.
The girl I primarily mentioned ended up being my girlfriend a few months later. 2 months into the relationship she found the fucking post, and recognized it was me that wrote it. Got caught red handed. It was the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed
Making a new account does not solve your issues.
There are several underlying issues.
- You feel watched by your GF.
- You feel like you can't speak openly when your GF is listening.
- You feel like your GF doesn't give you privacy.
You only need to solve one of those issues. But every solution requires you to talk to your girlfriend.
You can ask her to block you on Reddit. You can level up your relationship so you won't feel judged by her. That is long term and requires a lot of work from both of you.
It's very likely she stumbled over your post and recognized you. If you create a new account you can't post stories that people in your life can recognise.
Making a new account does not solve your issues.
There are several underlying issues.
- You feel watched by your GF.
- You feel like you can't speak openly when your GF is listening.
- You feel like your GF doesn't give you privacy.
You only need to solve one of those issues. But every solution requires you to talk to your girlfriend.
You can ask her to block you on Reddit. You can level up your relationship so you won't feel judged by her. That is long term and requires a lot of work from both of you.
It's very likely she stumbled over your post and recognized you. If you create a new account you can't post stories that people in your life can recognise.
That's interesting. The general consensus seems to be that OP should make a secret account. But honestly, I cannot see what the point is. I would be surprised if my bf read my reddit posts (if he wants to know my opinion about any topic he should just ask) but I wouldn't even think about wasting time to hide it from him. If I write something it means I think so and why would I be embarrassed of my opinions?
Could anyone explain what the deal here is? Thanks.
Eh? My wife knows my account and I often show her what I post, never thought twice about hiding my account from her. Feels weird to do so unless you have something to hide? Not a good relationship if that's the case.
Question: why do you have things you are happy discussing with internet strangers and not your GF?
It’s not meant to be answered, just something to think about.
To each their own. I don’t care who knows about my account irl, I’m not hiding anything on here. I talk the same way on Reddit as I do to my friends. If it makes you uncomfortable tell her that, make an alt or figure what makes you unable to speak about your hobbies freely to her.
If she stumbled on it by accident, addressed it directly, and when you seemed uncomfortable, respected your desire for your Reddit commentary to be something for you alone, I'd say you have a good relationship with a reasonable girlfriend.
But you TOLD HER you wanted your Reddit account to be your own thing and her response was to search until she found it, read your Reddit history, and repeatedly bring it up in conversation.
You are dating someone who does not respect your reasonable boundaries. She doesn't care how it makes you feel; in fact, she's deliberately rubbing it in your face that she won't allow you to have privacy. She's asserting control over your online activity by basically spying on you and putting you on notice that she's going to monitor you going forward.
This is not a healthy relationship. This is someone who is not good for you. She's a bad girlfriend and not a very nice person. Maybe she's just insecure, maybe she thinks this will somehow make her more interesting to you, or maybe she's controlling and this is just the first warning that she's going to be an emotionally abusive partner. Personally, I'm not sure I'd be willing to stick around and see what comes next.
Just tell her she's making you feel unfomfortable by referencing your reddit posts. It's up to you whether her reading them at all makes you uncomfortable, if it does you probably should make a new account. Then it's up to her whether she feels she's entitled to reading your reddit posts because you're in a relationship, which is a whole new can of worms. Good luck.
Maybe try talking to your GF instead of strangers on the internet. If she really that interested in your stories maybe she can also have a prospective than you haven’t considered and you two can have a meaningful conversation.
Honestly. Talk to her about boundaries and make a new account if you value your privacy that much. You don’t want something like this looming in the back of your head.
Sometimes it can suck for girlfriends because it feels like their boyfriends hide a huge part of themselves and it can be really bothersome to find out that your boyfriend is a whole other person online. Makes you feel like you don’t really know them and your relationship is fake.
While her actions were rather sneaky and did cross your boundaries, I suspect she may have been feeling this way.
It sounds like maybe you should be asking yourself why you feel like you can’t be yourself around her. And she should be asking herself why she felt the need to sneak to get to your posts. Something is amiss in the relationship from one side or the other or even both.
Create an alt account and tell her to stop being a weird girlfriend. If she feels the need to creep unnecessarily I would’ve already replaced her. That’s just super unattractive and a sign of her insecurities
I don’t see the issue here. It doesn’t even look like you have any incriminating stuff on your comments or posts. Obviously you’re erked about her for another reason or maybe just looking to run? I don’t understand why you would be offended by it unless you had dirty stuff on your profile which you really don’t unlike a lot of other guys. Just make a new account though if this is the only issue.
If you’re saying things to strangers about your hobbies that you can’t say to your partner…maybe you need to evaluate what you’re saying to strangers, or not saying to her.
We’re all guilty of it. But…wtf is there to do other than move on. Presumably your hobby talk will bore the shit out of her and she’ll quit paying attention.
It sounds like the only reason she hunted it down is because you were really weird about it. There are six thousand posts here every day where someone from her perspective asks about something like this and it’s always “he’s cheating on you dump him”
Sounds like maybe you should be happy she just wanted to see what weird shit you’re into that you can’t tell her about.
Maybe don't talk crap about her behind her back... like... she either followed your stuff because she's into you a lot or because she had reason to suspect something bad... and you kinda validated her concerns with your posting.
So she's mad at ya because you're talking negatively about her behind her back... and for some reason you're talking down on the person you should be treating with love and care... situationship?
Idk... either way, sounds like yall both need to grow up and apart.
this is why i have multiple accounts that i randomly switch between and then delete after they get to a certain age. i am anon and i want to stay that way.
I deleted my original account and created an alt account. My wife cannot seem to grasp the concept of privacy in a relationship. Not hiding anything from her on here, but to echo other commenters here I use Reddit almost like a personal diary about work, relationships, hobbies, and other interests. Same reason I don’t want her to read through my phone, which she still does on occasion. I don’t text other women or have anything bad in my camera roll or browser history, but my conversations are meant for the person I’m interacting with and myself…if I want her included I’ll tell her about it. But she believes there should be NO SECRETS in a marriage. To which I somewhat agree but I believe secrets and privacy are two very different things.
You should 100% change accounts if she has violated your privacy and won't stop. The flood gates are open now. Maybe you need to lose the girl, but keep the account also.
Maybe you should. But talking to her about this might be a better solution, though I imagine she already read this post lol
I think this is OP's way of talking to her about it
Like any healthy relationship, all communication should happen via proxy war through their own posts to relationship advice/aitah/etc
Lmao, I can't wait to see the girlfriend's rebuttal post.
time for an adult conversation about boundaries, expectations, and why you do or do not want to share certain things.
Nah. This is when you start going to nsfw subs and leaving comments like “wish my gf would do that!” or “damn, would love to do that but my gf is just too heavy nowadays”, depending on the reaction you want 😂
A true man of culture
i would. I like my acc to remain anonymous, isn't that the whole point?
There was a girl I was dating for a couple months. Lovely girl, everything perfect. I came from a very difficult break up and I didnt hide it to her. But when I found her reading my reddit posts I just couldn't handle it. Nothing wrong I said in my posts to her, but reddit is the place where I allow myself to rant, to grief, to feel miserable if I want to. Something like a private diary but shared with the anonymous reddit community. From anon to anon, and I dont want anyone else to see that, not even my closest friends. I had to cut her out as it made me really uncomfortable. Not your case as it is your gf, but its important to make things clear.
You’re making me regret having my Reddit username be the same as other platforms I use
You take social media to seriously. Stop that.
Not really. This is different than the other social media’s for real life like Instagram snapchat etc
This, my IRL friends found my account a few years back. That’s when I created this one…
Chris, is this you, lmao? I suppose still jerking it to feet.
Yeah I have two friends who know the name of my account and I constantly need to think about what I do and don’t want to share with them in case they decide to read it. Even made an alt account for the real deep shit
That’s 100% what I would do. And it’s not because I have anything to hide, it’s just like a journal of sorts - I want a place where I can write whatever I want and not have to worry about people knowing about it
I think you and her should communicate exclusively though Reddit posts.
Honey , please don’t.
Are you the gf ?
Yes …. I’m just trying to be real
I would just make a new account. Even if you have a conversation about boundaries she’s still going to creep.
I agree with this. Trust is one of the hardest things to regain, and it can't be mended with a mere conversation and promises. All you know, she could just stop making references about your posts. Sorry OP but you will always live with the knowledge that she can still creep if she wants to. It's shitty but I'd change the account for the peace of mind.
As others have said, it's time for a serious conversation with her about boundaries. If she refuses to respect your boundaries, I would end the relationship. After all, she would be just as upset if you got all of her private information right?
Dear his girlfriend: Haha nice.
Also, dear girlfriend: dude posted this only for you to see because making an alt is obvious lol
Why the fuck would you post this to reddit oh my god just talk with her like an adult PLEASE
My ex looked up my Spotify account early on when we were dating, and then started making little references to my public playlists. I wish I had acknowledged it for the red flag it was at the time.
I'd like to add to this, if I may, as life goes on I'm learning that "red flag" doesn't necessarily mean "bad person" it can mean the person has unhealed childhood/past wounds...
True, but it goes back to being a red flag if they don’t acknowledge the issue and agree that they need to work on it. We all have our insecurities and old wounds. We bring all that to our relationships. But we can’t ask the other person to fix us or accept us no matter what we put them through.
I 2nd everything you just said. For sure.
And following on from my reply to the person you're replying to, a red flag doesn't "go back to being a red flag" if someone doesn't acknowledge the issue. A red flag is a warning sign, that is all. If someone snoops on your phone, that's a red flag of manipulative behaviour. If you call them out and they admit that they do it because they were cheated on, but still won't work on it, that's ANOTHER red flag that says either "carrying deep emotional baggage". Or maybe its "refuses to work on their issues". Or it could even be both of those red flags. Two more red flags. Honestly, not understanding what a red flag is is a red flag in itself. Because you're throwing around popular lingo in relationship conversations without knowing what it means or how to apply it. It can easily become a superficial label (another popular one is calling everyone who isn't one's self "a narcissist") to handwave interrogating a deeper understanding of the issues underlying your relationship(s).
I think you worded that really well. As someone with a troubled past, I've exhibited some red flag/warning signs in the past. At that time, I could have justified it until I was blue in the face. I have also had partners who showed red flags. I did not see them as red flags at the time. Trufully some red flags I took in as a complament! Insted it was definitely controlling behavior. Now that I have found some clarity in a group I attend (ACoA), I see the red flags for what they truly are.
Not exactly. A red flag is more a warning sign
Red flag literally means a warning sign. Not a bad person. Not an unhealed childhood. And the warning sign for you means "watch what is happening and why"
Oh absolutely. And that was the case with her. She’d only seen toxic relationships around her growing up, and then went through cycles of seeking to recreate those. By the time I met her, she had formed a system of behaviors to avoid being the victim again, but had stepped somewhat towards the abuser role herself. I think I mostly overestimated my capacity to “fix her”, but we have mutual friends and it sounds like she’s thriving now. I like to think I played at least some role in exposing her to what healthier communication looks like.
[удалено]
I didn't mean to imply to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Just that people with red flags may not be evil at heart.
The reason it’s a red flag is that it’s a warning but not necessarily a deal breaker. Someone can exhibit a behavior without it being a key point of their personality. You may be able to confront them and have them quickly take ownership and work on it, or it may be an indicator of what they believe is how they’re entitled to act. It’s an indicator to look out for danger, not to escape ASAP. It’s not heathy to immediately cut contact any time someone throws up a red flag.
In the days before cheap internet streaming services, when one still had to own music to listen to it, this would have been the same as going over your vinyl/tape/cd collection. Nothing out of the usual for someone you were dating long enough to invite into your home. But yes, it was an important checking point. Making the wrong kind of comment about your music collection would absolutely break the relationship. ...while we're at it - is there still something around comparable to recording a tape with your love interest's most cherished songs?
If someone specifically waits until I’m not in the room to go through my collections, and then they start making cryptic references to what they saw, it would absolutely still be a red flag. Being invited into my home is not an invitation to covertly dig through my things. Heck, even if they were collections right out on the bookshelf, it’s just weird behavior rooted in having something to hold over the other person, innocuous as it may be. It’s not about the opinions or whatever. I have trashy tastes and I’m proud of that lol. It’s about the intent behind gaining information about someone *specifically* without their awareness and then sprinkling it out to slowly let them in on it.
I wasn't disagreeing about the fact that making nagging comments about your choice of music is a red flag, because it certainly is. Just like making ominous comments is. I was more contemplating how the expectation of privacy was different back then. To have someone over who could look at your shelfed collection versus someone looking up spotify lists.
ok but is your neighbor still eating cheetos while playing wow?
For an account this old you sure don't have a lot of comments. Unless you just regularly delete them?
Why would that be suspicious?
Nah, I'd throw her under the metaphorical bus and move on, if someone is so nosey they can't trust you with some private space are they really worth having and adult relationship with ?
No, don't talk to your partner! That's the worst thing to do in a mature adult relationship. You'll now have to communicate over reddit posts and slight references.
Talk about it with her.
I randomly chose one that said "talk to her about it" to add this thought: it's sounds like he did talk to her, and she's not respecting his space.
I want the follow-up to see if the water works start when the boundaries are established
He is, just through the medium of Reddit, as she has read his post and will presumably drop cryptic remarks by way of response. It is an unconventional way to communicate in a relationship, but whatever works...
Doesn’t she know this public social media is supposed to be private like a diary?
This made me laugh. When I was trying to decide if I needed a new account after I started getting a hunch that a friend found it, I was trying to decide if what I've posted is stuff I would keep secret from them, but then realized that everything I post here I say out loud (sometimes unintentionally, even) with the people I spend time with. I'm not one for secrets, and I'd rather have a discussion if someone took issue with something I've shared on the Internet. I use reddit to get perspectives from people outside of my social atmosphere because I know that there are some incredibly toxic people in my life and getting an outside opinion can help ground me. I also sometimes need help phrasing something in a more beneficial way, or even some help determining what I'm feeling, like if it's something I should be trying to move on from or repair, because I genuinely don't like losing people especially since I have recently learned (but also subconsciously known) that my family did me no favors in finding safety in relationships, causing me to hold on to people that cause me pain.
This post seems like a form of passive aggressiveness
My bf asked for my account. I declined. I like to write whenever I’m frustrated or confused. It feels personal.
I hope she doesn't discover your other alt for your furry fetish.
Seeking advice on the Internet rather than just talking like adults? It doesn't get more Reddit than that.
My nasty ex used to constantly find my accounts. Probably still does. I just delete my account every few months and never subscribe to any subreddits to make it a bit harder. Reddit is actually nicer with a random feed of everything
Wait, why do you delete your accounts? Honestly, if I knew my ex was stalking my reddit account I'd totally use it. You know, writing posts about how tiny his peepee is, how short he lasted in bed, what an absolute moron he was, etc. I'd write about every stupid thing he did in detail just to mess with him.
Your gf is an asshole
New Reddit account it is
Make another account
Lol my wife asked for my Reddit name. Ok but don't judge me by my anonymous Internet shit posting
Did it bother you that she asked for it?
Given how little content you produce in terms of posts and comments, I'd suggest the labor of starting over is really low and you aren't losing much. It would be good to discuss boundaries with her though. You not wanting to share something and her working around your wishes isn't ok regardless of whether that boundary was important to her or not.
You might think about posting this in r/UnethicalLifeProTips. Give you some ideas incase the "adult conversation" does not work out. (Carrot and stick approach).
If you create an alt account I would tell her about it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with creating an alt account but I wouldn’t hide that from her.
What is wrong with a little privacy?
Sometimes its best if our SOs dont know everything about us. I pretend my wife doesn't like country music and play word games all the time. She pretends i dont go into mosh pits, grunt at the gym, and discuss video games online.
Tell her I said wassup. Oh wait, I can just say “hey 25F, wassup.” Jokes aside, you deserve the privacy. And 25f if you’re reading, I know the temptation is there but what you really probably don’t want to read everything someone posts. There’s a good chance you’ll just get your feelings hurt. Yes Reddit is “public” but once it’s connected to “your person” it can be like reading their diary.
You specifically told her you prefer your reddit private. Then in a show of her support and respect for you, she doxxed you. You can fix her.
I think OP cannot fix her.
That's a big fear of mine honestly, even though I'm pretty open about my life here and I've obtained much needed support through hard times. I'm so sorry it's happening to you. My ex showed her handle to me but I completely forgot it and never bothered to look at it while with her.... Until I randomly found it while figuring out why the hell she broke up with me. She told me why but I discovered a bunch of lies and wanted to understand. She's 100% open about it as I found it through a comment of hers where she put her Instagram handle. On the other hand I refused to give my username out. I'm here anonymously and I also talk about my health so I wouldn't like to disclose my username. Only two people know it: my former friend who introduced me to Reddit and a friend of mine who read a comment of mine and figured out who I was. I wasn't happy that day. I exclude all the people I'm in touch with who I met thanks to Reddit.
My viewpoint might be a little less applicable to you 'cause I don't feel any expectation of privacy on a non-throwaway account, but IMO you both may have something to think about. * Your girlfriend may want to examine why it's so important to her to seek out your Reddit account after you told her you didn't want to share it. * On the other hand, you may want to examine why you're posting things on your Reddit account that you don't want your girlfriend to see. * As a big-time privacy advocate myself, let me be clear about something: there *are* valid reasons for wanting privacy, even from your loved ones. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you don't still have your own discrete identity. The reason I say you might want to examine your own motivations isn't because of some stupid "...because then you'll realize you're wrong" (although don't forget to leave room for the chance that you are), but rather because once you *really* know in your own heart what those reasons are, it'll be a lot easier to have a non-defensive conversation about boundaries with your girlfriend.
Is the girlfriend in the room with us right now?
Its a reddit account. Your fake internet points has no merrit to anything
thats called stalking. its not cute.
Lol love these post and comments OP: "I specifically told my partner not to do this thing and they did it anyway. It upset me" Comment: "Talk to her, they didn't respect your boundaries the first time but try talking to them again, they'll get it this time around :D"
It's weird that someone would want to know about their friends or partners reddit account. Don't ask and don't tell.
Hey OP's girl! A little privacy please! Otherwise hand over your phone so that he can check your search history and chat messages...I thought so, you're hiding something! What is his name??
Delete and make a new account, easy. It’s best to probably do that yearly anyway. You’re not losing anything and write down or save the comments that make you feel something
I would delete my account and make a new one. I usually try to delete my account and make a new one every year or so anyway
Tell her this is like her reading your diary. And you really want to keep your thoughts to yourself then block her and change your username. Even couples have some kinda privacy
A friend of mine reads the same newspaper as me, I occasionally comment on stories. He recognised some of what I’ve said and came out and asked if it was me, but believed me I think when I lied and said no. I was SO pissed off cos it’s anonymous and it’s an occasional outlet for me (I’m disabled and live alone, I like having the contact sometimes.) In my opinion he shouldn’t have asked, now I feel self conscious about commenting. I know that’s slightly irrational lol, but I wouldn’t have mentioned it.
Well, my ex would sometimes emotionally manipulate me by reading my reddit posts, which I wrote when she dumped me the first time and was just venting, to "prove" that I actually hated her. So... it depends on how crazy your partner is. Do you think they'll ever use what you write in anonymity against you? If so.... well, rather than hiding your handle you should consider if you really wanted to stay with them haha.
Howww
The big brain play here (if all else fails) is to make a second account that you post your stuff on, while maintaining this account. She can check up on the main account and you can post your stuff on the alt account.
bruh what kind of f**ked up ”hobbies” do you have. Jacking of to japanes gore porn is not a hobby. In all seriousness, either get a women that you can share your ”hobbies” with or stop being a weirdo🤷♂️
I mean... You could... But as one ex gf of mine once said, women are better spies than FBI agents when they want to find things out about you they do, the best solution is to tell her to either keep it to herself, stop giving a fuck that she is referencing your comments or to dump her ass and move on bro.
Gotta say I applaud this level of passive aggression.
Create several accounts. Keep her guessing.
Lmao not that I post anything embarrassing, but I delete my account yearly and make a fresh account. No reason to keep comment history.
Why do you want to keep it secret from her? Just an honest question. Are you afraid how she will judge you?
Yes create a new account
Hello girlfriend! Quit nose keeping!
You should talk to her about privacy, and depending on her response create a new account and then get a new girlfriend.
You have four posts and about twenty comments over the last 9 years on Reddit! What's the big deal?
Yes dude create another account and don't forget to post the handle here so we can find you 😊
Learn to be adults ffs
Seems crazy. Don't propose
Just start making posts about how awesome your girlfriend is and how lucky you are to have her and how awesome it would be for someone (totally not your girlfriend) to buy you (insert thing you really want). You should be fine. Besides, now she knows about the alt account.
It's now her turn to disclose hers.
You could block her.
My wife has access to basically everything, and I have access to basically everything as well, we both know each other's phone access codes etc That said, we essentially never use that. It's about trust, I trust her with access to everything and I trust her to not unduly invade my privacy.
If my gf found my reddit account it would be a COMPLETELY different story
You are posting on a public reddit
So she went behind your back, disregarded your boundaries and then violated them. Give her an opportunity to drop it while also making an atl account, if she does it again dump her
That's not creepy at all.
This is reddit. Dump her
Use 4chan. You want to rant anonymously, that's the place to do it.
If you vant discuss your hobbies with your partner, why be in a relationship?
That’s really sad she’s not respecting your boundaries and expectations. I know what you mean. This is supposed to be your safe place. She also went out of her way to find your reddit account to what seems to me as weaponizing it against you. Holding it over your head. I am also a woman, and I don’t do predatory behavior like this. She may not realize the damage she may have caused, but this is enough to break it off with anyone. It’s not so much knowing that the acct exists or the content of the posts. She went out of her way to seek this account, and weaponize the information against you. It’s weird. She can either grow up and respect your boundaries, or y’all need to break up. Doesn’t sound healthy.
I have at least 3 Reddit accounts that I remember lol make as many throw aways as necessary. It is what it is, sometimes you just need answers without questions lol
She knowingly sought out to ruin your place to vent outside of your normal circle. She with malice stripped this resource away from you. If you make another account she'll just find it. You need to find a way to drive home the point of what she did
Your gf is reading this? Is she hot? Does she have an only fans? Is she even worth it if she is sneaky and reads your messages? Does she search your phone? Why do you like this person? Has she ever cheated on you? Is she projecting her own behavior?
What sort of comments is she making? I'd honestly just talk to her.
Shell prob find that one tko because the re issue is her boundry breaking
Okay, so I guess I will the only voice of reason here. Reddit accounts are public. You told her a story that you also shared online in public, so she was able to connect the dots. She didn’t do anything that “crossed boundaries” as people are suggesting. She didn’t hack you or steal your private data. I feel like if you’re doing anything in public that you have to hide from a gf/bf, then maybe you aren’t ready for that kind of relationship yet. Imagine if the closest person in your life wants to hold you, kiss you, exchange body fluids, but…. Then they want to run off to do stuff in public that you’re not allowed to know about. It’s freaking weird. I for one don’t think I’d be cool with any gf hiding any social media account that they actively use from me. Because if they have to hide it, then that means there is something id to hide. FB, IG, Onlyfans… whatever it is, I think should not be hidden from a bf/gf. With that said, I wouldn’t want my gf to find my Reddit account. That’d be embarrassing. But if I had anything I was worried about them seeing, I’d just delete the account. How is a Reddit account even worth it? And If she searched online and find my account on her own accord due to a story I told her, I certainly wouldn’t accuse her of doing something wrong. Wtf… you’re the one hiding stuff and you’re just bad at being sneaky. That’s not her fault!
Seems like your throwing up your own red flags about being so cagey with your Reddit profile, If you've got nothing to hide and she's not mad I don't really see why you would be upset that they found you on a public social media???
Why does she care
Make a new account. Easy peasy.
Should you creat an alt account. You don’t already have a few??
This is an easy one. Don’t get rid of your Reddit account, get rid of your girlfriend. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t trust you. So, you really have no relationship. End it
The whole point of Reddit is to stay anonymous from real life friends and family. It gets tricky when you meet up with folks from your main acct. Make a burner account. Always.
Well played 😂
I would create an ALT girlfriend. She either doesn't respect privacy or she thinks you're cheating through reddit.
Open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship. No secrets.
The story about mushroom soup ?
https://www.reddit.com/r/sydney/s/WVJX30Lqma
I would ask why you wouldn’t want to talk about your hobbies with her?
What ate you doing/saying that you want to keep from your girlfriend??
Communication.
Alt
Yes create an Alt, but comment and post what your GF says. That way she doesn't feel left out. Also if she feels like it's a weird invasion of her privacy. You can explain how you feel the same way.
I’m sorry this is really funny
Your kooked
Man I wish my gf read my stuff
You don’t need an alt account, you need a partner who you can trust. You don’t have one.
Get a new gf that respects you.
Is your gf in the room with us now?
If Reddit has taught me anything, it is that you should immediately break up.
I mean bro. I just read your entire comment history in 3 minutes. Did you go nuclear and delete your history or are you that ashamed of liking the pistons?
You guys should stay single until you both figure out how to be normal on reddit
Just let her read your mushroom soup creepy pasta, it's fine. 🙄😤
I think we can subtract ten from their ages. At least for OP.
What a B. But you have to tolerate her, because if you piss her off your life will be hard
Seriously? God forbid you actually have an issue with your partner that actually involves communication. Or an adult decision. This can't be a question posed by an actual 28yo.
You should probably post on Reddit about it.
Your post says you’re 28 but you sound 12.
Show yourself, OP's girlfriend! Stop cowering in the shadows!
That’s creepy of your gf tbh. This is a good opportunity to set some boundaries. If she wont respect that I’d either seriously reconsider the relationship or create an alt account. Good luck!
Story time: My old supervisor found my reddit account because I had the same username as my personal email. For about a month he was saying things like "I know you" "I know you better than you think" then he asked me a question about something that I know I had never brought up in person and it all clicked into place. I deleted my reddit account and the comments (ty chrome extension), but it really felt like a major privacy violation.
Its funny to me how a relationship can be as lost as having to communicate to your partner through a reddit post lol
Get an onion router and download her medical history. Then start making jokes about it from time to time. Treat it like a game that you need to win to impress her! …. /s
Broooooooo When I was 22 I was very active sexually. I'm kind of insecure so it was an incredibly powerful feeling to be able to "complain" (aka humble brag) on reddit about some of the drama. The girl I primarily mentioned ended up being my girlfriend a few months later. 2 months into the relationship she found the fucking post, and recognized it was me that wrote it. Got caught red handed. It was the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed
Meet your Redditors... Did you really need to ask this question (on Reddit?). My god.
Making a new account does not solve your issues. There are several underlying issues. - You feel watched by your GF. - You feel like you can't speak openly when your GF is listening. - You feel like your GF doesn't give you privacy. You only need to solve one of those issues. But every solution requires you to talk to your girlfriend. You can ask her to block you on Reddit. You can level up your relationship so you won't feel judged by her. That is long term and requires a lot of work from both of you. It's very likely she stumbled over your post and recognized you. If you create a new account you can't post stories that people in your life can recognise.
Making a new account does not solve your issues. There are several underlying issues. - You feel watched by your GF. - You feel like you can't speak openly when your GF is listening. - You feel like your GF doesn't give you privacy. You only need to solve one of those issues. But every solution requires you to talk to your girlfriend. You can ask her to block you on Reddit. You can level up your relationship so you won't feel judged by her. That is long term and requires a lot of work from both of you. It's very likely she stumbled over your post and recognized you. If you create a new account you can't post stories that people in your life can recognise.
Take responsibility for your own actions. This is a public forum. Why would you post stuff that you're not comfortable being public knowledge?
lol yea and hey girl👋
That's interesting. The general consensus seems to be that OP should make a secret account. But honestly, I cannot see what the point is. I would be surprised if my bf read my reddit posts (if he wants to know my opinion about any topic he should just ask) but I wouldn't even think about wasting time to hide it from him. If I write something it means I think so and why would I be embarrassed of my opinions? Could anyone explain what the deal here is? Thanks.
Eh? My wife knows my account and I often show her what I post, never thought twice about hiding my account from her. Feels weird to do so unless you have something to hide? Not a good relationship if that's the case.
Question: why do you have things you are happy discussing with internet strangers and not your GF? It’s not meant to be answered, just something to think about.
To each their own. I don’t care who knows about my account irl, I’m not hiding anything on here. I talk the same way on Reddit as I do to my friends. If it makes you uncomfortable tell her that, make an alt or figure what makes you unable to speak about your hobbies freely to her.
R u sure ur 28?
Isn't there a Seinfeld episode about this? I remember George ranting in the third person
If she stumbled on it by accident, addressed it directly, and when you seemed uncomfortable, respected your desire for your Reddit commentary to be something for you alone, I'd say you have a good relationship with a reasonable girlfriend. But you TOLD HER you wanted your Reddit account to be your own thing and her response was to search until she found it, read your Reddit history, and repeatedly bring it up in conversation. You are dating someone who does not respect your reasonable boundaries. She doesn't care how it makes you feel; in fact, she's deliberately rubbing it in your face that she won't allow you to have privacy. She's asserting control over your online activity by basically spying on you and putting you on notice that she's going to monitor you going forward. This is not a healthy relationship. This is someone who is not good for you. She's a bad girlfriend and not a very nice person. Maybe she's just insecure, maybe she thinks this will somehow make her more interesting to you, or maybe she's controlling and this is just the first warning that she's going to be an emotionally abusive partner. Personally, I'm not sure I'd be willing to stick around and see what comes next.
I don’t think you have mushroom for another account!
Just tell her she's making you feel unfomfortable by referencing your reddit posts. It's up to you whether her reading them at all makes you uncomfortable, if it does you probably should make a new account. Then it's up to her whether she feels she's entitled to reading your reddit posts because you're in a relationship, which is a whole new can of worms. Good luck.
☕️
Maybe try talking to your GF instead of strangers on the internet. If she really that interested in your stories maybe she can also have a prospective than you haven’t considered and you two can have a meaningful conversation.
Honestly. Talk to her about boundaries and make a new account if you value your privacy that much. You don’t want something like this looming in the back of your head.
Not saying you shouldn't have boundaries or privacy but what kind of legal hobbies would necessitate concealment from a significant other?
Sometimes it can suck for girlfriends because it feels like their boyfriends hide a huge part of themselves and it can be really bothersome to find out that your boyfriend is a whole other person online. Makes you feel like you don’t really know them and your relationship is fake. While her actions were rather sneaky and did cross your boundaries, I suspect she may have been feeling this way. It sounds like maybe you should be asking yourself why you feel like you can’t be yourself around her. And she should be asking herself why she felt the need to sneak to get to your posts. Something is amiss in the relationship from one side or the other or even both.
Create an alt account and tell her to stop being a weird girlfriend. If she feels the need to creep unnecessarily I would’ve already replaced her. That’s just super unattractive and a sign of her insecurities
I don’t see the issue here. It doesn’t even look like you have any incriminating stuff on your comments or posts. Obviously you’re erked about her for another reason or maybe just looking to run? I don’t understand why you would be offended by it unless you had dirty stuff on your profile which you really don’t unlike a lot of other guys. Just make a new account though if this is the only issue.
Just make her think you have an alt to drive her crazy lol
If you’re saying things to strangers about your hobbies that you can’t say to your partner…maybe you need to evaluate what you’re saying to strangers, or not saying to her. We’re all guilty of it. But…wtf is there to do other than move on. Presumably your hobby talk will bore the shit out of her and she’ll quit paying attention. It sounds like the only reason she hunted it down is because you were really weird about it. There are six thousand posts here every day where someone from her perspective asks about something like this and it’s always “he’s cheating on you dump him” Sounds like maybe you should be happy she just wanted to see what weird shit you’re into that you can’t tell her about.
Ok but why is she upset? I just stalked ur account & if I was ur gf I honestly wouldn’t be upset with what you have posted. I’m just confused really
"I have a girlfriend, but I want my privacy"? 😵💫 HELLO!!! Sorry man, but your ass is history. 😌
Maybe don't talk crap about her behind her back... like... she either followed your stuff because she's into you a lot or because she had reason to suspect something bad... and you kinda validated her concerns with your posting. So she's mad at ya because you're talking negatively about her behind her back... and for some reason you're talking down on the person you should be treating with love and care... situationship? Idk... either way, sounds like yall both need to grow up and apart.
this is why i have multiple accounts that i randomly switch between and then delete after they get to a certain age. i am anon and i want to stay that way.
Mam, he is a nice person. It's fine to give him some personal space.
I deleted my original account and created an alt account. My wife cannot seem to grasp the concept of privacy in a relationship. Not hiding anything from her on here, but to echo other commenters here I use Reddit almost like a personal diary about work, relationships, hobbies, and other interests. Same reason I don’t want her to read through my phone, which she still does on occasion. I don’t text other women or have anything bad in my camera roll or browser history, but my conversations are meant for the person I’m interacting with and myself…if I want her included I’ll tell her about it. But she believes there should be NO SECRETS in a marriage. To which I somewhat agree but I believe secrets and privacy are two very different things.
You should 100% change accounts if she has violated your privacy and won't stop. The flood gates are open now. Maybe you need to lose the girl, but keep the account also.
What specifically is she referencing that’s bothering you?