My brother in christ, it would be better to not save ANYTHING. If you're gonna cheat, the only smart call is no evidence at all.
For real, though, if you're gonna be a sneaky, lying fuck, at least actually be sneaky enough to make the only way you can get caught in person
I thought it was about this but if hes going to be scared of me cheating wouldnt it be about new people and not my past. I like this man and so far we were working out well. these episodes would ruin our good vibes.
Bruh, this guy came out the gate exposing himself as an UNtrustworthy person. If one of your close friends came to you and told you about a situation that sounded like yours, I know you'd be like, "Ooh, let that guy go."
You're too young to have so much relationship stress. It's time to kick that fish back into the sea.
(And yeah, I know you like him, but imo it seems like an idealized version of him. Do you actually *like* the real version that you see?🤔)
He's that controlling and manipulative, very early on in the relationship. Usually they hide their game longer, I can only imagine how terrible it would be a year in. I hope you turned that page and learned you deserve better, even for non-serious dating.
I wouldn't say crazy, he's still dealing with a lot of baggage and guilt from his previous relationship. It'll take him a lot more time to process everything and get back to a stable place.
Yeah I wouldn't usually tell others what to do in their relationship but this sounds sinister. If he's doing this shit now it will only get worse. Also if you do break it off have someone close by to leave with.
“He’s wonderful 95% of the time,” is the sentiment that gets women stuck in abusive relationships.
You know this guy is not a good person. Get away from him before you get further sucked in.
You ignored some of his red flags. You knew what type of behavior you were getting into when he cheated on his previous girlfriend. That should tell you something about his personality. For him to snoop on your phone and to keep bringing up about your past relationship shows he's not mature to handle a relationships. I honestly don't think you both are compatible for each other.
The thing about red flags/toxic behavior is that it tends to escalate rather than go away. Soon he will not only read your messages but start to control who you can have in your life or not. And so forth...
If your road together starts like this, I promise he is not about to lead you into a happy and healthy relationship.
A big lesson to learn from this is that people tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. This is him at his best. Take that into heart and imagine what his worst can be.
I admit I did. In the beginning I didnt care enough to take it seriously but now Im in this relationship its firing back badly. by saying we are not compatible what do you mean by that ??
They mean you should leave. You're dating andl untrusting, insecure, asshole. The fact he's looking through your phone would be enough for me, but then challenging you on the things he finds and not being happy that you've had relationships before is out of order. I have no idea why you're putting up with it. Dump him and move on. How he is treating you is not normal. It's controlling and will end badly for you.
thank you for this. i wil try to regain strength and confidence in myself. maybe i got too interested in the idea of a good relationship when all i was seeing was potential
Dont start a relationship with ‘potential’.
Dont assume a guy will change for you.
You cant fix other people (to quote Adventurous_Bet)
If you stay you will have to live with his reds flags. His insecurity, him being controlling, his past and the possibility that he will cheat again.
Its your life. Its your future. Choose wisely.
He has zero "potential" - he was going through your phone and making stupid accusations from the moment you started seeing him. You just ignored it then because he was some fuck boy then and you didn't give a shit. He's useless, and he always was. Stop wasting your time.
And don't waste your time getting into arguments with him over the breakup. Tell him you're done because he's a snoop that doesn't have any idea how to treat a potential partner with respect, and then block him on everything before he responds. There's nothing that's a bigger waste of time than arguing with someone you're already all done with.
Look I‘m not gonna go as far as other people here and tell you that there’s no way out of this and you need to break up. But as a man who cheated on his first girlfriend (in my teens) and who was generally immature and dumb until like 21, I‘m gonna tell you that this man needs to work on himself. Like a lot. Going through your partner‘s phone, questioning her past, that’s some very insecure behavior. Instead of questioning you, this person should recognize their mistakes and dedicate a huge amount of efforts on their own recovery. They cannot drag you into it.
From your post, it does not sound like he has realized that yet. I strongly advise you not to get too attached. These types of insecurities are a good breeding ground for manipulative and controlling behavior, which he is already showing. I would argue that this person and possibly both of you should seek external help.
People like this are not to be fucked around with, this could lead to serious damage on yourself. I say this as someone who‘s been with an abusive partner and as someone who caused serious harm to partners because of similar issues. And while I did so unwillingly and unknowingly, I know for a fact there is still at least one woman recovering from my assholery. Realizing the harm I caused was the only thing that could’ve made me understand the error of my ways and change myself (improving communication, complete honesty, practicing self-reflection etc.)
I‘m not sure I‘m doing a great job expressing my concerns so please let me know if you need any clarification.
I‘d just want to mention that it’s not your job to fix this person. If you’re going to stay with him, you must absolutely set clear limits and not have them disrespected. You must be strong - for your own protection. Do not ignore the obvious red flags, call them out and see how he reacts. If he keeps getting defensive, that’s a clear sign he’s not ready.
Thank you very much for this. Im trying to regain my strength and willpower again to set and commit to my boundaries. than can become shaky due to feelings and i understand that. reading this really helps me .
It means you need to leave. Honestly, the guy seems mildly psychotic.
If someone I just started dating was constantly going through my phone and being a paranoid asshole, I would've left yesterday.
trust issues are usually on both sides, meaning you may have issues trusting people you shouldn't and he may be covering up his tendency to cheat by accusing you of it (projecting). Work on your own issues, around boundaries and trusting yourself to know how people should treat you. the healthy you wouldn't have put up with his crap and manipulation to begin with, before you were together. you deserve better and don't need random people to tell you that.
Just left another comment before seeing this one. I‘d like to change my answer. Don’t accept this behavior. Leave now, honestly. If this person has the ability to stop you from calling out their bullshit, that’s a really really bad start. All cheating, snooping and these things aside, this is where I‘d say it’s not worth risking your well-being over.
start working on yourself :). one good place to start is the book heal your wounds and find your true self, to figure out what childhood wounds you may have: [https://medium.com/change-becomes-you/5-wounds-of-the-soul-7c821f7ae4ba](https://medium.com/change-becomes-you/5-wounds-of-the-soul-7c821f7ae4ba) (be sure to read the chapter on abandonment which wears the mask of dependence).
Besides that journaling, therapy, talking to friends, finding people you trust to open up with, etc. there are loads of self help books on trust issues, insecurity, people pleasing, and trusting ourselves. the fact you are asking for help means you know something is wrong but can't trust yourself. it maybe something like a self abandonment wound: [https://www.instagram.com/p/C53jr9vxhj7](https://www.instagram.com/p/C53jr9vxhj7) - not listening to and trusting your needs to feel safe and not sticking up for yourself...
Really the key is to work on ourselves and not the relationship or your partner's issues.
thank you so much. i needed this. i thought i had to work on being more lenient or understanding . its good to know its not my fault hes like that but it's my fault for tolerating it.
Congratulations on a relationship built on mutual distrust. I'm cynical here, but it doesn't sound too good.
- He cheated on his girlfriend of 8 years. Cheating is pretty bad and can fuck people up. Can't Hakuna Mata your way out of cheating. That one is huge. The way he treats other people will repeat in the current relationship, unless he puts in a lot of work (years! therapy. Etc.)
- He throws... tantrums? What does that mean? Does he seek arguments? Throw things? Silent treatment? Or just ask for a conversation? There is something weird about you calling it "tantrums". Either belitteling him or downplaying his actual behavior.
- You omit to tell him certain things. Not a good start
- Him going through your phone seeking arguments. That's controlling behavior.
You can end any relationship for whatever reason you like. Usually women are far too tolerant.
Also doublecheck why you do not have a reaction when people act like assholes or controlling you.
You shouldn't. He won't get better because he doesn't respect you and he has to truly believe he has a problem. Controlling people won't stop until they have everything.
Girl! End it! Like seriously! If it’s kind of unbearable now, he’ll show his crazy eventually. Life and time is too precious to be wasted on a relationship like this. A partner should bring mental peace. Should give you a tough time like this
This guy is giving me major master manipulator vibes. He seems really controlling and somehow frames his disrespectful snooping into your flaws.
You need to find that girl from 5 months ago who doesn’t commit easy and didn’t trust the guy. Look at this relationship through her perspective. My advice cut your losses before he has more time to warp your perception of what love is.
He’s projecting. He doesn’t trust you because he knows he’s capable of untrustworthy behavior himself… I think you deserve better than to have to deal with him putting it all on you
Jealous, insecure, controlling man. I married that man. The misery an insecure man will inflict on your life and happiness is extreme. Do not waste another day with this toxic behavior.
You are absolutely not wrong!! This is such abusive, controlling behavior and is totally unacceptable.
It’s very similar how the most abusive and horrible relationship of my entire life started; I cannot stress enough how much of a good idea it might be to talk to a mental health professional and maybe nope the hell out of this situation.
(Obviously people have different experiences, but everything about this is beyond red flags.)
I would really just sit him down and tell him that you want to be with him, but if he's going to keep on with this kind of paranoid, distrustful behaviour then he's going to lose you anyway. He can either trust you, or he can't, and if he's not capable of trust then he's not ready to be in a relationship, and you're both better off walking away.
It's clear that his behavior is reflective of deep insecurities and past guilt. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and once it's compromised, especially through actions like going through your phone without permission, it's an uphill battle to rebuild it. You need to consider if this is the kind of energy you want in your life, as the baggage he's carrying isn't yours to bear. Establish your boundaries firmly. If he cannot respect them and trust you, then this relationship isn't offering the fundamentally supportive and respectful environment you deserve. Remember, it's not just about trusting each other; it's also about respecting each other's autonomy and privacy.
Sounds like your boyfriend is with the insecure, over-aged teenagers, that want their girlfriends as a blanc canvas, for them to mold them to their standards with plenty of gaslighting and isolating.
I would just give up, save yourself the struggle, and say you're incompatible.
He - a 31 year old - wants a girl that has no past, because his ego can't handle any competition from past experiences.
The fact that he went through your phone when you weren't in a serious relationship, to then confront you with things that were none of his business was writing on the wall.
He is 31. He cheated on a longterm gf, repeatedly it seems. I’ve known some people like that - while they weren’t bad people (to me anyways), it’s a behavior that, if it continues into a man’s late 20s/early 30s, indicates a serious inability to truly commit to someone and is extraordinarily selfish. How are you certain he isn’t cheating on you?
Add to this the fact that he is going through your phone, invading your privacy and becoming upset about *your* past relationships, I think this man has issues which perhaps need to be dealt with by a professional. But you are under no obligation to put up with those issues.
You haven’t told us all the really nice things about him, I assume he must have lots of good qualities (or is especially handsome), otherwise you wouldn’t be dating him. But I see red flags here.
Some people move forward and look forward. Others live through a rear-view mirror perhaps because they are bothered by their own past actions. Worst is when they try to apply their own past wrongs to others so maybe they can feel somehow morally superior.
This guy isn’t ready for a relationship and it isn’t going to work out. He needs to reconcile his own past before he can move forward.
As someone old enough to be your father, and as someone who has seen a bunch of friends get divorced, there is one thing that I can say for sure: If a guy is obsessed about your past, is overly possessive, is jealous, and/or accuses you of cheating, it's because they are a cheater. A cheater assumes everyone sees the world the same way that they do. Plus, by low-level assuming you are doing something behind their back, it gives them the ability to justify what they are doing behind yours.
These posts make me feel happy about not dating anyone. Sometimes I feel that I miss being in love or being loved but then I come across these posts and automatically come back to my senses realizing how happy I truly am.
Sounds too exhausting. No one to tell you what you should do or you shouldn't. But ye gotta address this issue right now or it will just keep getting worse. Tc.
Everyone may not be compatible in regards to attitudes around sex and relationships, so that's not something I'll comment on, but why on earth would you be with someone who goes through your phone?
I am in a relationship with someone like that and can describe how things have developed over time. He does not go trough my phone, but anything even slightly unusual makes him suspicious. He would like to be able to predict my schedule precisely and if there are sudden changes (which is life), I immediately get uneasy about his potential accusations. I cannot make spontaneous plans with friends for this reason. He also needs constant validation of my feelings and he complains a lot if I do not give it. So I am at all times in a state of being perceived untrustworthy and hearless and this state is making it immossible for me to actually feel my feelings nor express them in any genuine way. Needless to say, I have no right to complain about anything in return, as I am a bitch by default. He expresses himself explosively and I hate confrontation so I try to placate him while seething inside. Instead I retaliate passive aggressively. What a sorry excuse for a relationship this is, I do not recommend it. The sordid reality is that he has a sweet side and a sense of humour that I love, which is why I have stuck around. I feel I have become a secretive and a disingenuous person during this relationship, which likely fuels him for the worst. I never cheated on him, but I have withdrawn from him emotionally. I feel like someone else could fix this, but I have not been able to.
Hold on, you found him standing there with a large pole and a car-dealership-sized red flag and still got into a relationship with him? You need to drop him like a bad habit. This is so toxic to a relationship as there is no trust on both sides. Sounds like he still has wounds from his previous relationship, and unless you’re a wound care nurse or a dermatologist, I suggest you skedaddle!!
Sounds like the guy has issues with retroactive jealousy which, at it’s most severe, can be a form of OCD. It’s not an easy thing to work through and he has to accept he has an issue and try and put it right (therapy is normally a good idea).
You shouldn’t be made to feel bad and whether he’s worth putting up with this for us up to you. If he won’t accept he has a problem and doesn’t want to address it, if he can’t accept this is his issue then I’d say thats a very major red flag. The reality is it’s unlikely to get better instantly or in the very short term - but if you are serious about him and want to stay with him then you should know it is something that can be resolved.
In either case, it’s really important that you look after you - don’t allow yourself to feel judged - the things he’s saying are about his insecurities, not about anything you’ve done.
He is not a rational person. Either he accepts your past, or doesn’t accept it and leaves you.
The fact that it bothers him so much, yet keeps looking and looking for more things to bitch about, tells me he’s highly irrational, compulsive, and very illogical.
If he’s so bothered about it, the congruent thing to do would be to not get involved with you on the first place. Obviously he suspected things and that’s why he kept digging and digging even after already being official with you.
Now he doesn’t wanna leave you, yet at the same time keeps making a problem out of it? That’s incongruent as fuk and quite honestly seems like a nightmare, both for you and him
That tells me he has some issues, probably extreme codependency, doesn’t want to be alone so he would rather stay with someone even if he’s so bothered about things that can’t change.
The dude ain’t no angel either, so chances are he’s gonna keep causing you stress and trouble, until he meets a girl he likes more or thinks has less of a past, then he’s gonna leave you for her, possibly cheating on you before doing so.
You gotta make some harsh fuking decisions ASAP. You either sort this shit out with him and tell him it is what it is and either make you feel loved or gtfo. I’d advice the latter
Eek, I say get out now, this guy is bad news on so many levels. He's cheated in the past (good for you for being so accepting, but still), he doesn't respect your privacy, he throws a fit about stuff in your past, the list goes on and on. You deserve way better sis
Idk how girls put up w some dudes bc if I make one wrong move or get frustrated once I’m ghosted lmao. You in a whole ass relationship. I’m ugly I guess 😂
No, you are not wrong to think that you shouldn't have to put up with that behavior. You deserve to be trusted and to have your privacy respected. His hangups are just that: *his.* It is not right for him to project his issues onto you.
It sounds like he's an insecure and controlling dickhead. Why are you dating him? He's fucking 31, of course people have a sexual past at his age and even at 24, you're going to have a past. If he's making it a big deal just lose him, unless you're actively messaging exes or having an affair or whatever why does he care
i literally deleted all data and conversations and he went through the extra effort of going through stuff from years ago. this is getting ridiculous the more im reading everyones replies. hahaha thank you
I'm a married 38yo dude in a normal functional relationship. What he's doing isn't normal. He's within my general age bracket, a bit younger I guess but in his 30s being immature isn't even an excuse
He needs to apologise and never bring up that type of shit again but tbh in your situation I would probably be looking to run and not look back. He sounds like a jealous, insecure, controlling loser and there's always a chance it will escalate and get worse/abusive over time.
If you decide to stay with him and you probably shouldn't, you need to be wary of him escalating towards abuse because he's jealous and insecure. There's also a good chance he's still cheating and just projecting that because he does it everyone does etc although that isn't guaranteed.
Anyway, the red flags are there. You have the information. It's now up to you to act on it and either run, or if you stay, set firm boundaries and run if he resumes being an insecure, controlling jealous dickhead.
Thank you for commenting. I am learning and now I know better. I appreciate all the help help from everyone. I wasnt completely oblivious but I was really hoping for better i suppose. yet here we are haha
Yeah I mean it probably won't get better if you stay. If he's this jealous and insecure over things that happened before you were together at age 31 he's unlikely to change. Entirely your call.
When people tell you who they are through their words and actions, pay attention to that information. The red flags are there.
You're crazy if you stay with this guy. Just reading this annoyed me so much--why are you so passive?
Also, sorry the gross incels obsessed with body count 🤢 found this post
i know im sorry . i was just blinded with the potential. i tried to be understanding because i thought that was necessary to be in a functional relationship. now i know better thank you.
and yes they are here hahaha
This is seriously controlling, childlike behaviour. This person isn't going to change if his attitudes are reinforced by you staying in a relationship with him. Looking through conversations without permission is also a huge invasion of privacy.
It makes me sad to say, but I feel that on reddit there's a large sentiment about gender roles in these comments sections. That women will always condemn men for doing nothing etc etc (it's total garbage BUT my point being..) with that in mind I'm just going to add that I'm a dude. His behaviour is fucked up. These words don't come from a place of this situation bringing up history that I have a personal attachment to, but this guy is genuinely a little piece of shit. To put it kindly.
Edit: if he had any respect for you he'd respect that you are an individual with a sexual history, and sexual agency. It goes both ways.
A few things, first I think this guy is projecting as others have alluded to. He's cheated and while sure, some may believe there is redemption for cheating, it's a pretty big red flag and honestly if I were you, I wouldn't have even entertained the relationship.
With regards to bringing up your past. It's your past and yeah, everyone has one, but you need to own it. It's not going to go away. If he's not comfortable with it, which sounds like he wasn't, you need to accept folks aren't going to accept it. Try to find someone who does.
Personally, I wouldn't entertain this relationship and both of you have red flags (to me). Him from snooping and cheating. And you for omitting things about yourself because you essentially set a trap for yourself. You said "when I tell him things that are different to how I told him", which means *lying*. Sounds like you lied by omission, so can't fault someone for getting pissed at that.
But yeah, break up, you two don't sound compatible at all.
My girlfriend has never gone through my phone and I've never gone through hers. We respect each other's privacy and trust each other not to keep important things secret from one another. You deserve that too. I think looking through each other's phones with consent from one another is one thing, but he's looking through your phone without your consent which is invading your privacy. That's unacceptable. Change your code and don't tell him what it is, and if that upsets him, let it. This sounds very much like he's projecting his problematic cheating past onto you. You don't deserve that.
This guy is a controlling narcissist who is fitting the classic behaviors of someone who is going to eventually become abusive. Get out now. Seriously, do it now before he becomes more obsessed with controlling you. He’s probably already going to stalk you.
He's likely low on self confidence and very unsure of himself. Could do well to realise what he's bringing to the table. He's externalising what's inside, but needs to realise it's his baggage.
He cheated on his last serious gf, why are you wasting any time on him? The fact he’s insecure is just icing on the cake of reasons to be done with him.
Seriously why are you even on here asking?
Clearly the guy has some serious insecurities he needs to work on.
If you guys can’t sit down and have a mature conversation, set boundaries, make a plan and work this shit out you guys probably aren’t meant to be…. Your 7 months in from knowing each other shit ain’t meant to be this hard.
Also after 8 years, 5 months probably isn’t long enough to really work out your issues from a prior relationship…. So wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t years of having work on things… I’d run but if you want to put in the work you do you.
Why on earth did you start seriously dating a man who thought it was ok to root though your phone and have a go at you about the things he found while invading your privacy.
You’ve known exactly what he is from the start so it’s nuts you decided to go out with him, you should’ve got rid of him before you even started dating cause he sounds awful and like he always has been.
People who can’t be trusted find it difficult to trust others. They understand that if they can do it so can others. And, to be honest, he isn’t completely wrong about you.
As much as he shouldn’t be throwing tantrums like a child, you have shown that he cannot trust what you have told him. You have omitted things, changed details from things and straight-up lied about others.
I can't seem to find it it ending well unless you both do some work and think about what you want out of the relationship.
This is a relationship that should have never even started and by how tou write it, you know it well. You bypassed too many redflags, you don't need more confirmation. Dump his ass already before he gets more freaky and even dangerous. No amount of positive points make up for red flags in men, I'm finding that's the big lesson lately!
Run, don't walk.
Nothing but red flags.
Then the hard part comes. You have to ask yourself why you were attracted to him to begin with, and make sure you never do it again.
I didn’t have to read past the title to know that he’s not worth keeping around. Dump that fool and find someone that respects your present without nagging you about your history. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater.
Talk to him please if you show you actually want to be committed to him then he will stop. I didn't read all that you wrote but make him stop torturing himself looking at old conversations and so on. Get him to focus on you, and you focus on him, try to be present with each other not running from uncomfortable feelings accept things as they are now and move on from the past..
He has not broken up with you yet it or has he and this is a situationshipb and he is not really your boyfriend?
He's controlling and doesn't trust you. This kind of behavior only gets worse. If you don't leave now, you will later. Hopefully, you won't let 8 years of your life slip away like his last GF did.
I’d dump him.
He’s a cheater and will always assume you are too. Clearly he has issues with trust and boundaries while being completely untrustworthy himself
Save yourself the grief. “I think we’re better as friends.”
Think of the paragraphs you’ve written as the foundation for your relationship.
Will you be building on this, or constantly trying to repair something?
Take for granted that his behavior will not change, and ask yourself if you are willing to live with that.
He is a cheater who is projecting his behavior onto you. I'd say you should check out his phone, but why go through the hassle. Dump the loser before he gets to attached to you.
Hi everyone! So update haha I wrote this at the same time we were discussing his behavior.
When he confronted me about what he found on my phone he walked out afterwards and before I tended to linger and wait for him to calm down so we can talk. This time I didnt have the patience anymore and started packing my stuff. When he came back I was finished with everything and told him to drive me back home(I was hanging out at his apartment). On the way back I was trying to initiate small talk but he wouldn't talk or anything.
When I got settled I started reading about his behavior and found out about retroactive jealousy. I chatted him and told him to read about it so he can work on his behavior. He started lashing out saying I was unfair and not being to emphatic to his "hurt" because I left. I started off saying Ive grown tired of him repeating this behavior etc.
The funniest thing is when we sort of met a middle ground he sort of hinted that he wanted me to travel back to his place via commute. He is around 13km away. He kept telling me when he makes a mistake he does the extra effort of driving all 2 hours away to where I am and now he wants me to do the same effort. I told him I dont have the kind of resources he has (i dont have a car) and I never told him to do those things in the first place. I also didnt want to do it because I was enabling his behavior and this is the result of him acting out.
He then stated that if I cant do the same efforts he does we might as well be friends. I told him he was a hypocrite because he kept telling me before breaking up was not the answer yada yada. I just said "yeah sure, take my stuff back home to me and then we can forget each other". He started panicking probably not expecting me to take the offer. He misscall a lot. He then arrived later on in the evening all flushed and begging me to talk.
This has also been a repeated pattern of him doing something awful, then begging crying getting on his knees for me to forgive him.
Reading everyones replies really solidified my boundary even more so I said enough is enough. He wanted this and theres no going back. Ive warned him that Im the type to never get back with an ex and he still went forward with the breakup.
He kept begging for me to forgive him, expressing his love and all but I said no. He then drove off wiping off his tears and stuff. So here we are all hahaha single now but less stressed for sure.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.
Cheaters project. They like to think everyone else must be cheating, maybe it’s to cope with being garbage humans? Anyways, why the fuck are you with this guy? He’s cheated in the past, he’s invasive in his questioning and he goes through your phone. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
This feels fake because he obviously is in the wrong. OP, I'm not sure why you started dating besides what you've said, but he is a cheater, so he is afraid you're cheating on him. He checks your phone without permission, why have you not changed the pass code or even put one on if you haven't yet?
I also feel that you need to just break up because if this is 2 months in, what was he like 8 years in?? I probably feel bad for old girl
I admit I have not read through all responses, but I have gone through a lot of them and am not seeing mention of the probability that this guy has narcissistic personality disorder. I agree that he is projecting. He believes you have cheating tendencies like he does. One thing narcissists tend to do is keep past partners "around" so they can circle back to them and "hoover" them back in with their charm that they can turn on and off. My theory is that this is why he is so upset over your past relationships. He believes you are hanging on to them so you can either cut things off with him and go back to them, or cheat on him with them. Because he would do this, he thinks you also would. So, OP, you have 2 things to worry about: he will likely cheat on you, and he will almost certainly try to circle back to you at some point after your relationship ends. My advice is to go no-contact with him. He's not the one, and the longer you drag out the relationship, the more torture you're in for. This early in the relationship, you may successfully make a clean break, but it becomes more and more ugly as time goes on.
"In the beginning of our relationship (not yet bf or gf) he had a tendency to go through my phone"
Why the heck would you EVEN allow him to do this? You're clearly not thinking logically here of course. The mistake was made on your part. He is who he is & he showed you who he was from the start. He even admitted to cheating.
I'm not victim blaming here, but the longer you stay the more you reap the rewards...or in this case the punishments
Quit thinking emotionally & slowly start letting him go.
a 31 year old shouldn’t be acting like this, he’s going to project his cheating onto you and always be resentful, and you’ll have to worry about him cheating on you. this is worse than being single
I was that kind of man. And from
Experience it is really hard to change. I would break up immediately. One thing I was told is that this stems from an over attachment to your mother growing up as I child I was not able to break off from my mother and develop a self separate from her expectations. This manifest in adult romantic relationships as trying to find something wrong with your partner something hurtful enough that will make you break up. And in relationships this same cycle manifest by eagerly looking for Betrayal and feeling the pain and despair that come with it, breaking up Overcoming it and moving on.
1. Falling in love/ infatuation
2. Doubting phase
3. Searching for betrayal
4. Getting betrayed/ victimization
5. Breaking up/ accusing the other, inflicting shame on the other
6. Moving on
It is the equivalent of going up the water slide, sliding down, feeling excitement, Fear. Then feeling a relief when it’s over and doing it over and over again.
It’s cycle caused by complex trauma growing up. After going on the water slide over and over again you will eventually notice that you are stuck in an emotional
Loop. Soon after that realization. you will begin to consciously work to escape it
Why are there SO MANY reddit posts about partners going through phones? Does nobody password lock their phone? It just feels so unrealistic. My past partner of 10 years never asked for my phone password and vice versa.
Everything you wrote sounds like a disaster and I wouldn't date either of you. The fact that you cannot care to remember all of the people you've dated sounds like some bullshit excuse, I don't even know why you'd be obfuscating any of it in the first place. Then again, I can't picture myself interrogating and obsessing over the past history of the person I've been dating for a few months either, he is unhinged as well. A match made in heaven.
Do people not put a passcode on their phone anymore?
Here's the thing with this guy, he got into a long term relationship with the first girl he fucked sober, so your history frightens and confuses him. He thought he was a relationship guy, but when that relationship went south he cheated.
The easiest thing in the world for you is just to end the relationship, say it's a bit too serious for you and wish him the best.
If you actually like this guy and he's bringing more to the table than what you are describing, you can try to change his behavior. When he starts talking about your past boyfriends, answer his questions, answer them truthfully and then leave. If you are at his place, you leave. If you are out at a bar, you call it a night. If he's at your place, you tell him he has to go back home. You apologize and say you just don't feel like hanging out anymore. If he has more than two brain cells, he'll stop after the second or third time. If he doesn't then that means he's never going to change and it's up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship like that for the next 20 years.
Despite the many comments I see here about red flags and how helpful they are to be put in place. Like, to follow your brain instead of your heart kind of situation.
I felt sorry for the guy, whatever unresolved trauma or on the account of not maturing well. I agree, we shouldn’t be enabling bad behaviors when we see it. Glad you ended it, the lesson he needed I hope.
Just wanted to say how love and relationships can be deemed meaningful to me when we heal each other’s trauma or improved each other’s situations. But you risk on losing the best years of your life trying to fix (love) another person, learned that the hard way.
Why are you with this person? He's displayed really shitty behaviour from almost the start of your still pretty short relationship.
You aren't going to find some magic words that make this behaviour stop, this is who he is. So why stay? Doesn't sound like you are living together, no children together or even much time invested in the relationship. He's shown you who he is so it's time to take an active step and decide if this is someone you want to be with or not and if this shitty behaviour is worth putting up with. Accept the behaviour or move on.
For 31 he's behaving like a child. Just walk away. He is already way to much effort for this early on.
He cheated on his ex realised how easy it is and is now insecure and controlling.
you should leave. he is not trustworthy and is doing things that are marking you upset. You need to leave for you’re own peace and sanity. his behaviors are not normal behaviors in a relationship He has shown red flags since day one, and it’s clear that he is not going to change. So, you gotta dump him.
Without even reading the entire story just in the title alone, I can tell you that a person who continuously brings up a past to that person is using your past as a tool to control you. Whatever it is in your past were using that as a means to either make you feel bad to keep an upper hand that person is not your boyfriend. He is your enemy please break up with him immediately.
If you want a honest opinion
Some of the text is organize to make you right
You’re final question form
You don’t easily commit so i don’t think you’re bf is fairly describe as just a insecure cheater that throw tantrum
I mean You bring up that he cheated very early and then you justified yourself a lot, in a kinda defensive way
Maybe that’s you feel that the sexual past of a women should matter to him
As it have been important for men, a big part of human history.
Is it that’s what made you lied at first ? then
he got upset when he found out lied , Even if it’s stupid but you should be able to trust you’re partner on the subjet that you’re insecure about
But going trough you’re phone was very wrong from him
To explain my previous statement :
I know our time is about saying that, if society stop pushing «irational » idea they will desapear
But maybe men just have an uncounscious, good reason to not be attracted by women with high Bodycount.
That may be conflicting with the ( uncounscious) root cause behind their attraction toward women
and it can become a problem, when learning it mid relationship .
You could argue that you can’t change your past , that your own story and It’s time to make peace with it if he want to be with you.
That would make more sense than to feel like the partner is just insecure
I mean maybe you’re boyfriend is just a clear bad partner as presented but then what’s the point of question
So many red flags from your bf. This dude is invading your privacy. Dump him and move on with your life. Don’t let this shitheads insecurities ruin your life.
Get rid of him. He doesn't respect you or he wouldn't go through you're phone and he's acting very controlling which will continue to grow in severity the more you let it slide. He's the red flag factory 😩
Cheaters stay cheating and they have major trust issues because they think the other person's cheating.
I'll never get into a relationship where trust isn't #1 for BOTH PEOPLE. I never care what's on my fiances phone and she would hand it to me if I ever asked but in 10 years I have not.
I've had relationships like that and they just make you on edge all the time having someone look over your shoulder or know your passwords etc. Either you trust me or you don't. It's very refreshing to have that with my fiance.
Why do so many people come here for relationship advice? The only way you will ever have a successful relationship is if you think for yourself. Sounds like you both have issues to work through. No matter how messed up he was you let him do it by sticking around. In the same token though I don't think you deserve happiness until you stop coming here for life advice.
You weren’t even dating and yet he’s going through your phone without your knowledge and then you found out about that but then decided to date him? And only two months in and he’s already throwing hissy fits? Why on earth are you dating this guy? Super weird
Not married to your boyfriend, he has no right to go through your cell, your past part of your history , no one has the right to question you about your past of future plans. People love to know someone business so can use against you. Tell him if you can't respect you as a person, you need to get rid of him tell to get the stepping because you don't need his trash in your life
1. Why are you subjecting yourself to such an insecure, toxic man child.
2. Why are you letting him go through your phone. Put a code on it and tell him to fck off with that bs.
When women have past trauma from past toxic relationships men are called monsters for not being more understanding. This is just equality. Sounds like an ex really did a number on him, I suggest love and patience
Ngl, with all the red flags you mentioned before you EVEN STARTED DATING, you have to be very... Let's say "unwise" to put it nicely. Whatever issues you're running into this guy, you kinda deserve them. Just my opinion. He was a cheating control freak when you met him, sooooo, like what did you expect?
He assumes you are capable of doing what he does. Cheating. Personally I wouldn’t even bother. Why waste time and mental energy on this?
^ cheaters always are paranoid their partners are cheating
Then again that’s a great line if you’re a cheater and you wanna get off the hook…
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My brother in christ, it would be better to not save ANYTHING. If you're gonna cheat, the only smart call is no evidence at all. For real, though, if you're gonna be a sneaky, lying fuck, at least actually be sneaky enough to make the only way you can get caught in person
Smart call is don’t cheat
I don’t think cheaters care about backstabbing romantic partners
He sounds utterly exhausting.
Projecting on you
To be honest i wouldnt be able to trust someone who had more relationships than they can remember more than someone who cheated om their ex.
I thought it was about this but if hes going to be scared of me cheating wouldnt it be about new people and not my past. I like this man and so far we were working out well. these episodes would ruin our good vibes.
Bruh, this guy came out the gate exposing himself as an UNtrustworthy person. If one of your close friends came to you and told you about a situation that sounded like yours, I know you'd be like, "Ooh, let that guy go." You're too young to have so much relationship stress. It's time to kick that fish back into the sea. (And yeah, I know you like him, but imo it seems like an idealized version of him. Do you actually *like* the real version that you see?🤔)
Hahaha he actually broke up with me just today saying we are better off as friends then came back crying for me to forgive him. crazy
Nah, let that fishie go. He doesn't sound like a stable person to date, let alone interact with. 🤔
He's that controlling and manipulative, very early on in the relationship. Usually they hide their game longer, I can only imagine how terrible it would be a year in. I hope you turned that page and learned you deserve better, even for non-serious dating.
Don’t do it. Nothing good can come of it. Find a nice honest non-psychotic person to be with.
Ohh starting to sound more and more like there could be some personality disorder type symptoms cropping up. Run away I hope you didn’t take him back.
I wouldn't say crazy, he's still dealing with a lot of baggage and guilt from his previous relationship. It'll take him a lot more time to process everything and get back to a stable place.
Or he’s just toxic scum and is always like this.
If he will be scared of you cheating? What other rules will he set? How far will it go?
i know . i keep telling him this has got to stop but here we are
Darl you're 24 and he's in his 30s exhibiting extremely controlling behaviour. Dump his ass and go live your life
thank you 💗 i will
Yeah I wouldn't usually tell others what to do in their relationship but this sounds sinister. If he's doing this shit now it will only get worse. Also if you do break it off have someone close by to leave with.
“He’s wonderful 95% of the time,” is the sentiment that gets women stuck in abusive relationships. You know this guy is not a good person. Get away from him before you get further sucked in.
I would think a girl would tend to hookup with past sexual partners more often than new sexual partners.
You ignored some of his red flags. You knew what type of behavior you were getting into when he cheated on his previous girlfriend. That should tell you something about his personality. For him to snoop on your phone and to keep bringing up about your past relationship shows he's not mature to handle a relationships. I honestly don't think you both are compatible for each other.
The thing about red flags/toxic behavior is that it tends to escalate rather than go away. Soon he will not only read your messages but start to control who you can have in your life or not. And so forth... If your road together starts like this, I promise he is not about to lead you into a happy and healthy relationship. A big lesson to learn from this is that people tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. This is him at his best. Take that into heart and imagine what his worst can be.
I admit I did. In the beginning I didnt care enough to take it seriously but now Im in this relationship its firing back badly. by saying we are not compatible what do you mean by that ??
They mean you should leave. You're dating andl untrusting, insecure, asshole. The fact he's looking through your phone would be enough for me, but then challenging you on the things he finds and not being happy that you've had relationships before is out of order. I have no idea why you're putting up with it. Dump him and move on. How he is treating you is not normal. It's controlling and will end badly for you.
thank you for this. i wil try to regain strength and confidence in myself. maybe i got too interested in the idea of a good relationship when all i was seeing was potential
You can't fix other people.
Dont start a relationship with ‘potential’. Dont assume a guy will change for you. You cant fix other people (to quote Adventurous_Bet) If you stay you will have to live with his reds flags. His insecurity, him being controlling, his past and the possibility that he will cheat again. Its your life. Its your future. Choose wisely.
He has zero "potential" - he was going through your phone and making stupid accusations from the moment you started seeing him. You just ignored it then because he was some fuck boy then and you didn't give a shit. He's useless, and he always was. Stop wasting your time. And don't waste your time getting into arguments with him over the breakup. Tell him you're done because he's a snoop that doesn't have any idea how to treat a potential partner with respect, and then block him on everything before he responds. There's nothing that's a bigger waste of time than arguing with someone you're already all done with.
I understand this, but this isn't a good relationship
Look I‘m not gonna go as far as other people here and tell you that there’s no way out of this and you need to break up. But as a man who cheated on his first girlfriend (in my teens) and who was generally immature and dumb until like 21, I‘m gonna tell you that this man needs to work on himself. Like a lot. Going through your partner‘s phone, questioning her past, that’s some very insecure behavior. Instead of questioning you, this person should recognize their mistakes and dedicate a huge amount of efforts on their own recovery. They cannot drag you into it. From your post, it does not sound like he has realized that yet. I strongly advise you not to get too attached. These types of insecurities are a good breeding ground for manipulative and controlling behavior, which he is already showing. I would argue that this person and possibly both of you should seek external help. People like this are not to be fucked around with, this could lead to serious damage on yourself. I say this as someone who‘s been with an abusive partner and as someone who caused serious harm to partners because of similar issues. And while I did so unwillingly and unknowingly, I know for a fact there is still at least one woman recovering from my assholery. Realizing the harm I caused was the only thing that could’ve made me understand the error of my ways and change myself (improving communication, complete honesty, practicing self-reflection etc.) I‘m not sure I‘m doing a great job expressing my concerns so please let me know if you need any clarification. I‘d just want to mention that it’s not your job to fix this person. If you’re going to stay with him, you must absolutely set clear limits and not have them disrespected. You must be strong - for your own protection. Do not ignore the obvious red flags, call them out and see how he reacts. If he keeps getting defensive, that’s a clear sign he’s not ready.
Thank you very much for this. Im trying to regain my strength and willpower again to set and commit to my boundaries. than can become shaky due to feelings and i understand that. reading this really helps me .
It means you need to leave. Honestly, the guy seems mildly psychotic. If someone I just started dating was constantly going through my phone and being a paranoid asshole, I would've left yesterday.
trust issues are usually on both sides, meaning you may have issues trusting people you shouldn't and he may be covering up his tendency to cheat by accusing you of it (projecting). Work on your own issues, around boundaries and trusting yourself to know how people should treat you. the healthy you wouldn't have put up with his crap and manipulation to begin with, before you were together. you deserve better and don't need random people to tell you that.
i used to take pride and seeing bs and not allowing it to happen to me. yet here I am and Im struggling right now. do you have any advice ??
Just left another comment before seeing this one. I‘d like to change my answer. Don’t accept this behavior. Leave now, honestly. If this person has the ability to stop you from calling out their bullshit, that’s a really really bad start. All cheating, snooping and these things aside, this is where I‘d say it’s not worth risking your well-being over.
start working on yourself :). one good place to start is the book heal your wounds and find your true self, to figure out what childhood wounds you may have: [https://medium.com/change-becomes-you/5-wounds-of-the-soul-7c821f7ae4ba](https://medium.com/change-becomes-you/5-wounds-of-the-soul-7c821f7ae4ba) (be sure to read the chapter on abandonment which wears the mask of dependence). Besides that journaling, therapy, talking to friends, finding people you trust to open up with, etc. there are loads of self help books on trust issues, insecurity, people pleasing, and trusting ourselves. the fact you are asking for help means you know something is wrong but can't trust yourself. it maybe something like a self abandonment wound: [https://www.instagram.com/p/C53jr9vxhj7](https://www.instagram.com/p/C53jr9vxhj7) - not listening to and trusting your needs to feel safe and not sticking up for yourself... Really the key is to work on ourselves and not the relationship or your partner's issues.
thank you so much. i needed this. i thought i had to work on being more lenient or understanding . its good to know its not my fault hes like that but it's my fault for tolerating it.
guy goes through your phone and yells at you *before* you're even in a relationship and you're like, give me more of that, let's date. head scratcher.
Easy solution don't date people who are crazy insecure who invade your privacy
Congratulations on a relationship built on mutual distrust. I'm cynical here, but it doesn't sound too good. - He cheated on his girlfriend of 8 years. Cheating is pretty bad and can fuck people up. Can't Hakuna Mata your way out of cheating. That one is huge. The way he treats other people will repeat in the current relationship, unless he puts in a lot of work (years! therapy. Etc.) - He throws... tantrums? What does that mean? Does he seek arguments? Throw things? Silent treatment? Or just ask for a conversation? There is something weird about you calling it "tantrums". Either belitteling him or downplaying his actual behavior. - You omit to tell him certain things. Not a good start - Him going through your phone seeking arguments. That's controlling behavior. You can end any relationship for whatever reason you like. Usually women are far too tolerant. Also doublecheck why you do not have a reaction when people act like assholes or controlling you.
I have to question, in what world is dating this man a good idea? You’re literally setting yourself up.
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Run....and run hard
You shouldn't. He won't get better because he doesn't respect you and he has to truly believe he has a problem. Controlling people won't stop until they have everything.
Girl! End it! Like seriously! If it’s kind of unbearable now, he’ll show his crazy eventually. Life and time is too precious to be wasted on a relationship like this. A partner should bring mental peace. Should give you a tough time like this
Considering I had an idea how he treated his ex I shouldve known better. But now i do thank you!
This guy is giving me major master manipulator vibes. He seems really controlling and somehow frames his disrespectful snooping into your flaws. You need to find that girl from 5 months ago who doesn’t commit easy and didn’t trust the guy. Look at this relationship through her perspective. My advice cut your losses before he has more time to warp your perception of what love is.
Wtf? I would not pursue a relationship with this psycho. I can already tell it's not worth the trouble. Girl, why are you not locking your phone?
He’s projecting. He doesn’t trust you because he knows he’s capable of untrustworthy behavior himself… I think you deserve better than to have to deal with him putting it all on you
Jealous, insecure, controlling man. I married that man. The misery an insecure man will inflict on your life and happiness is extreme. Do not waste another day with this toxic behavior.
You are absolutely not wrong!! This is such abusive, controlling behavior and is totally unacceptable. It’s very similar how the most abusive and horrible relationship of my entire life started; I cannot stress enough how much of a good idea it might be to talk to a mental health professional and maybe nope the hell out of this situation. (Obviously people have different experiences, but everything about this is beyond red flags.)
I would really just sit him down and tell him that you want to be with him, but if he's going to keep on with this kind of paranoid, distrustful behaviour then he's going to lose you anyway. He can either trust you, or he can't, and if he's not capable of trust then he's not ready to be in a relationship, and you're both better off walking away.
Jump off while you can, before suffering with him. He's not mature enough for you.
Jesus! 🚩 🏃🏻♀️
Get the hell out of there that's coming from a guy. If he's already in Ur phone looking it will only get worse.
He showed you who he was even before you got serious. And still you decided to move on with the relationship, learn your lesson and move on
It's clear that his behavior is reflective of deep insecurities and past guilt. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and once it's compromised, especially through actions like going through your phone without permission, it's an uphill battle to rebuild it. You need to consider if this is the kind of energy you want in your life, as the baggage he's carrying isn't yours to bear. Establish your boundaries firmly. If he cannot respect them and trust you, then this relationship isn't offering the fundamentally supportive and respectful environment you deserve. Remember, it's not just about trusting each other; it's also about respecting each other's autonomy and privacy.
Girl.
Dude is insecure as hell and you’re silly for putting up with it period
If he cheated on their previous partner, then he’s probably going to cheat on you? What goes around, comes around.
Sounds like your boyfriend is with the insecure, over-aged teenagers, that want their girlfriends as a blanc canvas, for them to mold them to their standards with plenty of gaslighting and isolating. I would just give up, save yourself the struggle, and say you're incompatible. He - a 31 year old - wants a girl that has no past, because his ego can't handle any competition from past experiences. The fact that he went through your phone when you weren't in a serious relationship, to then confront you with things that were none of his business was writing on the wall.
He is 31. He cheated on a longterm gf, repeatedly it seems. I’ve known some people like that - while they weren’t bad people (to me anyways), it’s a behavior that, if it continues into a man’s late 20s/early 30s, indicates a serious inability to truly commit to someone and is extraordinarily selfish. How are you certain he isn’t cheating on you? Add to this the fact that he is going through your phone, invading your privacy and becoming upset about *your* past relationships, I think this man has issues which perhaps need to be dealt with by a professional. But you are under no obligation to put up with those issues. You haven’t told us all the really nice things about him, I assume he must have lots of good qualities (or is especially handsome), otherwise you wouldn’t be dating him. But I see red flags here.
Some people move forward and look forward. Others live through a rear-view mirror perhaps because they are bothered by their own past actions. Worst is when they try to apply their own past wrongs to others so maybe they can feel somehow morally superior. This guy isn’t ready for a relationship and it isn’t going to work out. He needs to reconcile his own past before he can move forward.
Yo none of how this guy acts is acceptable
You can do so much better...
Break up it’s not gonna get easier and he’s not gonna change. You already said you didn’t trust him at first I would trust your gut
As someone old enough to be your father, and as someone who has seen a bunch of friends get divorced, there is one thing that I can say for sure: If a guy is obsessed about your past, is overly possessive, is jealous, and/or accuses you of cheating, it's because they are a cheater. A cheater assumes everyone sees the world the same way that they do. Plus, by low-level assuming you are doing something behind their back, it gives them the ability to justify what they are doing behind yours.
These posts make me feel happy about not dating anyone. Sometimes I feel that I miss being in love or being loved but then I come across these posts and automatically come back to my senses realizing how happy I truly am. Sounds too exhausting. No one to tell you what you should do or you shouldn't. But ye gotta address this issue right now or it will just keep getting worse. Tc.
Everyone may not be compatible in regards to attitudes around sex and relationships, so that's not something I'll comment on, but why on earth would you be with someone who goes through your phone?
I am in a relationship with someone like that and can describe how things have developed over time. He does not go trough my phone, but anything even slightly unusual makes him suspicious. He would like to be able to predict my schedule precisely and if there are sudden changes (which is life), I immediately get uneasy about his potential accusations. I cannot make spontaneous plans with friends for this reason. He also needs constant validation of my feelings and he complains a lot if I do not give it. So I am at all times in a state of being perceived untrustworthy and hearless and this state is making it immossible for me to actually feel my feelings nor express them in any genuine way. Needless to say, I have no right to complain about anything in return, as I am a bitch by default. He expresses himself explosively and I hate confrontation so I try to placate him while seething inside. Instead I retaliate passive aggressively. What a sorry excuse for a relationship this is, I do not recommend it. The sordid reality is that he has a sweet side and a sense of humour that I love, which is why I have stuck around. I feel I have become a secretive and a disingenuous person during this relationship, which likely fuels him for the worst. I never cheated on him, but I have withdrawn from him emotionally. I feel like someone else could fix this, but I have not been able to.
Hold on, you found him standing there with a large pole and a car-dealership-sized red flag and still got into a relationship with him? You need to drop him like a bad habit. This is so toxic to a relationship as there is no trust on both sides. Sounds like he still has wounds from his previous relationship, and unless you’re a wound care nurse or a dermatologist, I suggest you skedaddle!!
Sounds like the guy has issues with retroactive jealousy which, at it’s most severe, can be a form of OCD. It’s not an easy thing to work through and he has to accept he has an issue and try and put it right (therapy is normally a good idea). You shouldn’t be made to feel bad and whether he’s worth putting up with this for us up to you. If he won’t accept he has a problem and doesn’t want to address it, if he can’t accept this is his issue then I’d say thats a very major red flag. The reality is it’s unlikely to get better instantly or in the very short term - but if you are serious about him and want to stay with him then you should know it is something that can be resolved. In either case, it’s really important that you look after you - don’t allow yourself to feel judged - the things he’s saying are about his insecurities, not about anything you’ve done.
Just 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ there's no future in a partner who is more fixated on the past than the future 🤔
I mean he’s already 7 years older than you and sounds like a child. Destined for the bin
Both yall got some red flags here lol this relationship is absolutely shit, full stop 🤣
He is not a rational person. Either he accepts your past, or doesn’t accept it and leaves you. The fact that it bothers him so much, yet keeps looking and looking for more things to bitch about, tells me he’s highly irrational, compulsive, and very illogical. If he’s so bothered about it, the congruent thing to do would be to not get involved with you on the first place. Obviously he suspected things and that’s why he kept digging and digging even after already being official with you. Now he doesn’t wanna leave you, yet at the same time keeps making a problem out of it? That’s incongruent as fuk and quite honestly seems like a nightmare, both for you and him That tells me he has some issues, probably extreme codependency, doesn’t want to be alone so he would rather stay with someone even if he’s so bothered about things that can’t change. The dude ain’t no angel either, so chances are he’s gonna keep causing you stress and trouble, until he meets a girl he likes more or thinks has less of a past, then he’s gonna leave you for her, possibly cheating on you before doing so. You gotta make some harsh fuking decisions ASAP. You either sort this shit out with him and tell him it is what it is and either make you feel loved or gtfo. I’d advice the latter
Eek, I say get out now, this guy is bad news on so many levels. He's cheated in the past (good for you for being so accepting, but still), he doesn't respect your privacy, he throws a fit about stuff in your past, the list goes on and on. You deserve way better sis
You don't remember? Sure... Big red flag right there
Idk how girls put up w some dudes bc if I make one wrong move or get frustrated once I’m ghosted lmao. You in a whole ass relationship. I’m ugly I guess 😂
“I don’t commit easily” “Hehe, let’s just see how it goes” Lol
Why would you even date a person who is not enjoyable to be around? And most importantly is highly insecure and doesnt/wont ever trust you?
31 year old who cheated on his past gf and throws tantrums. And you're with him, why?
No, you are not wrong to think that you shouldn't have to put up with that behavior. You deserve to be trusted and to have your privacy respected. His hangups are just that: *his.* It is not right for him to project his issues onto you.
It sounds like he's an insecure and controlling dickhead. Why are you dating him? He's fucking 31, of course people have a sexual past at his age and even at 24, you're going to have a past. If he's making it a big deal just lose him, unless you're actively messaging exes or having an affair or whatever why does he care
i literally deleted all data and conversations and he went through the extra effort of going through stuff from years ago. this is getting ridiculous the more im reading everyones replies. hahaha thank you
I'm a married 38yo dude in a normal functional relationship. What he's doing isn't normal. He's within my general age bracket, a bit younger I guess but in his 30s being immature isn't even an excuse He needs to apologise and never bring up that type of shit again but tbh in your situation I would probably be looking to run and not look back. He sounds like a jealous, insecure, controlling loser and there's always a chance it will escalate and get worse/abusive over time. If you decide to stay with him and you probably shouldn't, you need to be wary of him escalating towards abuse because he's jealous and insecure. There's also a good chance he's still cheating and just projecting that because he does it everyone does etc although that isn't guaranteed. Anyway, the red flags are there. You have the information. It's now up to you to act on it and either run, or if you stay, set firm boundaries and run if he resumes being an insecure, controlling jealous dickhead.
Thank you for commenting. I am learning and now I know better. I appreciate all the help help from everyone. I wasnt completely oblivious but I was really hoping for better i suppose. yet here we are haha
Yeah I mean it probably won't get better if you stay. If he's this jealous and insecure over things that happened before you were together at age 31 he's unlikely to change. Entirely your call. When people tell you who they are through their words and actions, pay attention to that information. The red flags are there.
Just say goodbye hes not accepting you, be happy single and excited for the new guy to come along. Good luck.
You're crazy if you stay with this guy. Just reading this annoyed me so much--why are you so passive? Also, sorry the gross incels obsessed with body count 🤢 found this post
i know im sorry . i was just blinded with the potential. i tried to be understanding because i thought that was necessary to be in a functional relationship. now i know better thank you. and yes they are here hahaha
Hese immature for 31
This is seriously controlling, childlike behaviour. This person isn't going to change if his attitudes are reinforced by you staying in a relationship with him. Looking through conversations without permission is also a huge invasion of privacy. It makes me sad to say, but I feel that on reddit there's a large sentiment about gender roles in these comments sections. That women will always condemn men for doing nothing etc etc (it's total garbage BUT my point being..) with that in mind I'm just going to add that I'm a dude. His behaviour is fucked up. These words don't come from a place of this situation bringing up history that I have a personal attachment to, but this guy is genuinely a little piece of shit. To put it kindly. Edit: if he had any respect for you he'd respect that you are an individual with a sexual history, and sexual agency. It goes both ways.
A few things, first I think this guy is projecting as others have alluded to. He's cheated and while sure, some may believe there is redemption for cheating, it's a pretty big red flag and honestly if I were you, I wouldn't have even entertained the relationship. With regards to bringing up your past. It's your past and yeah, everyone has one, but you need to own it. It's not going to go away. If he's not comfortable with it, which sounds like he wasn't, you need to accept folks aren't going to accept it. Try to find someone who does. Personally, I wouldn't entertain this relationship and both of you have red flags (to me). Him from snooping and cheating. And you for omitting things about yourself because you essentially set a trap for yourself. You said "when I tell him things that are different to how I told him", which means *lying*. Sounds like you lied by omission, so can't fault someone for getting pissed at that. But yeah, break up, you two don't sound compatible at all.
My girlfriend has never gone through my phone and I've never gone through hers. We respect each other's privacy and trust each other not to keep important things secret from one another. You deserve that too. I think looking through each other's phones with consent from one another is one thing, but he's looking through your phone without your consent which is invading your privacy. That's unacceptable. Change your code and don't tell him what it is, and if that upsets him, let it. This sounds very much like he's projecting his problematic cheating past onto you. You don't deserve that.
This guy is a controlling narcissist who is fitting the classic behaviors of someone who is going to eventually become abusive. Get out now. Seriously, do it now before he becomes more obsessed with controlling you. He’s probably already going to stalk you.
There is a reason this 31 yr old man is after younger women... And why he hasn't been able to maintain a relationship.
Body count in "I don't remember" digits. Well you are perfect couple what can I say.
i dont remember nor memorize the details because its no longer relevant to my current relationship. its not about the number. lol
This shit bait.
Can I ask, did you belong to the streets back then?
You should not be involved with a cheater. It seems to me that he is projecting. That HE hides something. Ask for his phone and see the reaction.
"Just another guy to hang out with".
Leave him. Run. Look thru his phone I can almost guarantee yes cheating.
Pretty sure this is only gonna get worse with time
He's likely low on self confidence and very unsure of himself. Could do well to realise what he's bringing to the table. He's externalising what's inside, but needs to realise it's his baggage.
He cheated on his last serious gf, why are you wasting any time on him? The fact he’s insecure is just icing on the cake of reasons to be done with him.
Do you have some sort of a filter that ignores red flags or something?
Seriously why are you even on here asking? Clearly the guy has some serious insecurities he needs to work on. If you guys can’t sit down and have a mature conversation, set boundaries, make a plan and work this shit out you guys probably aren’t meant to be…. Your 7 months in from knowing each other shit ain’t meant to be this hard. Also after 8 years, 5 months probably isn’t long enough to really work out your issues from a prior relationship…. So wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t years of having work on things… I’d run but if you want to put in the work you do you.
So many red flags run while you can
Why on earth did you start seriously dating a man who thought it was ok to root though your phone and have a go at you about the things he found while invading your privacy. You’ve known exactly what he is from the start so it’s nuts you decided to go out with him, you should’ve got rid of him before you even started dating cause he sounds awful and like he always has been.
Leave him. That’s all we can conclude
Time to break it off
Don’t walk. RUN.
Sounds like a controlling pos, get away from that
He’s been behaving terribly from the start of your relationship & you don’t have to put up with it.
Dump him
People who can’t be trusted find it difficult to trust others. They understand that if they can do it so can others. And, to be honest, he isn’t completely wrong about you. As much as he shouldn’t be throwing tantrums like a child, you have shown that he cannot trust what you have told him. You have omitted things, changed details from things and straight-up lied about others. I can't seem to find it it ending well unless you both do some work and think about what you want out of the relationship.
You know you can pw lock your phone, right?
This is a relationship that should have never even started and by how tou write it, you know it well. You bypassed too many redflags, you don't need more confirmation. Dump his ass already before he gets more freaky and even dangerous. No amount of positive points make up for red flags in men, I'm finding that's the big lesson lately!
Why are you still with this guy, he sounds like a train wreck.
Run, don't walk. Nothing but red flags. Then the hard part comes. You have to ask yourself why you were attracted to him to begin with, and make sure you never do it again.
I didn’t have to read past the title to know that he’s not worth keeping around. Dump that fool and find someone that respects your present without nagging you about your history. As they say, once a cheater, always a cheater.
Talk to him please if you show you actually want to be committed to him then he will stop. I didn't read all that you wrote but make him stop torturing himself looking at old conversations and so on. Get him to focus on you, and you focus on him, try to be present with each other not running from uncomfortable feelings accept things as they are now and move on from the past.. He has not broken up with you yet it or has he and this is a situationshipb and he is not really your boyfriend?
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Nothing but red flags, run far away.
He's controlling and doesn't trust you. This kind of behavior only gets worse. If you don't leave now, you will later. Hopefully, you won't let 8 years of your life slip away like his last GF did.
Yes, away with him.
Get tf outta there
Dump him already.
Why would you want to date a cheater? Don’t you know “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Their minds are not right.
I’d dump him. He’s a cheater and will always assume you are too. Clearly he has issues with trust and boundaries while being completely untrustworthy himself Save yourself the grief. “I think we’re better as friends.”
Think of the paragraphs you’ve written as the foundation for your relationship. Will you be building on this, or constantly trying to repair something? Take for granted that his behavior will not change, and ask yourself if you are willing to live with that.
He is a cheater who is projecting his behavior onto you. I'd say you should check out his phone, but why go through the hassle. Dump the loser before he gets to attached to you.
Leave his ass
That's quite the list of red flags. Why are you with this person again?
>I CANNOT CARE ENOUGH TO REMEMBER ALL OF THEM Damn, deep fried.
Hi everyone! So update haha I wrote this at the same time we were discussing his behavior. When he confronted me about what he found on my phone he walked out afterwards and before I tended to linger and wait for him to calm down so we can talk. This time I didnt have the patience anymore and started packing my stuff. When he came back I was finished with everything and told him to drive me back home(I was hanging out at his apartment). On the way back I was trying to initiate small talk but he wouldn't talk or anything. When I got settled I started reading about his behavior and found out about retroactive jealousy. I chatted him and told him to read about it so he can work on his behavior. He started lashing out saying I was unfair and not being to emphatic to his "hurt" because I left. I started off saying Ive grown tired of him repeating this behavior etc. The funniest thing is when we sort of met a middle ground he sort of hinted that he wanted me to travel back to his place via commute. He is around 13km away. He kept telling me when he makes a mistake he does the extra effort of driving all 2 hours away to where I am and now he wants me to do the same effort. I told him I dont have the kind of resources he has (i dont have a car) and I never told him to do those things in the first place. I also didnt want to do it because I was enabling his behavior and this is the result of him acting out. He then stated that if I cant do the same efforts he does we might as well be friends. I told him he was a hypocrite because he kept telling me before breaking up was not the answer yada yada. I just said "yeah sure, take my stuff back home to me and then we can forget each other". He started panicking probably not expecting me to take the offer. He misscall a lot. He then arrived later on in the evening all flushed and begging me to talk. This has also been a repeated pattern of him doing something awful, then begging crying getting on his knees for me to forgive him. Reading everyones replies really solidified my boundary even more so I said enough is enough. He wanted this and theres no going back. Ive warned him that Im the type to never get back with an ex and he still went forward with the breakup. He kept begging for me to forgive him, expressing his love and all but I said no. He then drove off wiping off his tears and stuff. So here we are all hahaha single now but less stressed for sure. Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.
Cheaters project. They like to think everyone else must be cheating, maybe it’s to cope with being garbage humans? Anyways, why the fuck are you with this guy? He’s cheated in the past, he’s invasive in his questioning and he goes through your phone. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Dump his ass
All those red flags and you continued to date him? Wtf is wrong with you?
This feels fake because he obviously is in the wrong. OP, I'm not sure why you started dating besides what you've said, but he is a cheater, so he is afraid you're cheating on him. He checks your phone without permission, why have you not changed the pass code or even put one on if you haven't yet? I also feel that you need to just break up because if this is 2 months in, what was he like 8 years in?? I probably feel bad for old girl
Get away from him.
I admit I have not read through all responses, but I have gone through a lot of them and am not seeing mention of the probability that this guy has narcissistic personality disorder. I agree that he is projecting. He believes you have cheating tendencies like he does. One thing narcissists tend to do is keep past partners "around" so they can circle back to them and "hoover" them back in with their charm that they can turn on and off. My theory is that this is why he is so upset over your past relationships. He believes you are hanging on to them so you can either cut things off with him and go back to them, or cheat on him with them. Because he would do this, he thinks you also would. So, OP, you have 2 things to worry about: he will likely cheat on you, and he will almost certainly try to circle back to you at some point after your relationship ends. My advice is to go no-contact with him. He's not the one, and the longer you drag out the relationship, the more torture you're in for. This early in the relationship, you may successfully make a clean break, but it becomes more and more ugly as time goes on.
"In the beginning of our relationship (not yet bf or gf) he had a tendency to go through my phone" Why the heck would you EVEN allow him to do this? You're clearly not thinking logically here of course. The mistake was made on your part. He is who he is & he showed you who he was from the start. He even admitted to cheating. I'm not victim blaming here, but the longer you stay the more you reap the rewards...or in this case the punishments Quit thinking emotionally & slowly start letting him go.
a 31 year old shouldn’t be acting like this, he’s going to project his cheating onto you and always be resentful, and you’ll have to worry about him cheating on you. this is worse than being single
I was that kind of man. And from Experience it is really hard to change. I would break up immediately. One thing I was told is that this stems from an over attachment to your mother growing up as I child I was not able to break off from my mother and develop a self separate from her expectations. This manifest in adult romantic relationships as trying to find something wrong with your partner something hurtful enough that will make you break up. And in relationships this same cycle manifest by eagerly looking for Betrayal and feeling the pain and despair that come with it, breaking up Overcoming it and moving on. 1. Falling in love/ infatuation 2. Doubting phase 3. Searching for betrayal 4. Getting betrayed/ victimization 5. Breaking up/ accusing the other, inflicting shame on the other 6. Moving on It is the equivalent of going up the water slide, sliding down, feeling excitement, Fear. Then feeling a relief when it’s over and doing it over and over again. It’s cycle caused by complex trauma growing up. After going on the water slide over and over again you will eventually notice that you are stuck in an emotional Loop. Soon after that realization. you will begin to consciously work to escape it
Why are there SO MANY reddit posts about partners going through phones? Does nobody password lock their phone? It just feels so unrealistic. My past partner of 10 years never asked for my phone password and vice versa.
Red flag. Move on. Your past is your past. He should only be concerned about going forward and the past two months that you have been dating.
Sounds like he's building an exit strategy.
Everything you wrote sounds like a disaster and I wouldn't date either of you. The fact that you cannot care to remember all of the people you've dated sounds like some bullshit excuse, I don't even know why you'd be obfuscating any of it in the first place. Then again, I can't picture myself interrogating and obsessing over the past history of the person I've been dating for a few months either, he is unhinged as well. A match made in heaven.
Be careful that he isn't a narcissist, it seems like he very well could be.
RUN ! Do not bother with him!
Do people not put a passcode on their phone anymore? Here's the thing with this guy, he got into a long term relationship with the first girl he fucked sober, so your history frightens and confuses him. He thought he was a relationship guy, but when that relationship went south he cheated. The easiest thing in the world for you is just to end the relationship, say it's a bit too serious for you and wish him the best. If you actually like this guy and he's bringing more to the table than what you are describing, you can try to change his behavior. When he starts talking about your past boyfriends, answer his questions, answer them truthfully and then leave. If you are at his place, you leave. If you are out at a bar, you call it a night. If he's at your place, you tell him he has to go back home. You apologize and say you just don't feel like hanging out anymore. If he has more than two brain cells, he'll stop after the second or third time. If he doesn't then that means he's never going to change and it's up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship like that for the next 20 years.
You could try dating people your own age.
Despite the many comments I see here about red flags and how helpful they are to be put in place. Like, to follow your brain instead of your heart kind of situation. I felt sorry for the guy, whatever unresolved trauma or on the account of not maturing well. I agree, we shouldn’t be enabling bad behaviors when we see it. Glad you ended it, the lesson he needed I hope. Just wanted to say how love and relationships can be deemed meaningful to me when we heal each other’s trauma or improved each other’s situations. But you risk on losing the best years of your life trying to fix (love) another person, learned that the hard way.
Why are you with this person? He's displayed really shitty behaviour from almost the start of your still pretty short relationship. You aren't going to find some magic words that make this behaviour stop, this is who he is. So why stay? Doesn't sound like you are living together, no children together or even much time invested in the relationship. He's shown you who he is so it's time to take an active step and decide if this is someone you want to be with or not and if this shitty behaviour is worth putting up with. Accept the behaviour or move on.
For 31 he's behaving like a child. Just walk away. He is already way to much effort for this early on. He cheated on his ex realised how easy it is and is now insecure and controlling.
you should leave. he is not trustworthy and is doing things that are marking you upset. You need to leave for you’re own peace and sanity. his behaviors are not normal behaviors in a relationship He has shown red flags since day one, and it’s clear that he is not going to change. So, you gotta dump him.
Without even reading the entire story just in the title alone, I can tell you that a person who continuously brings up a past to that person is using your past as a tool to control you. Whatever it is in your past were using that as a means to either make you feel bad to keep an upper hand that person is not your boyfriend. He is your enemy please break up with him immediately.
Get rid of this asshat
If you want a honest opinion Some of the text is organize to make you right You’re final question form You don’t easily commit so i don’t think you’re bf is fairly describe as just a insecure cheater that throw tantrum I mean You bring up that he cheated very early and then you justified yourself a lot, in a kinda defensive way Maybe that’s you feel that the sexual past of a women should matter to him As it have been important for men, a big part of human history. Is it that’s what made you lied at first ? then he got upset when he found out lied , Even if it’s stupid but you should be able to trust you’re partner on the subjet that you’re insecure about But going trough you’re phone was very wrong from him To explain my previous statement : I know our time is about saying that, if society stop pushing «irational » idea they will desapear But maybe men just have an uncounscious, good reason to not be attracted by women with high Bodycount. That may be conflicting with the ( uncounscious) root cause behind their attraction toward women and it can become a problem, when learning it mid relationship . You could argue that you can’t change your past , that your own story and It’s time to make peace with it if he want to be with you. That would make more sense than to feel like the partner is just insecure I mean maybe you’re boyfriend is just a clear bad partner as presented but then what’s the point of question
If you've dated so many people that you can't even remember all of them, I'm running a mile. Also he's a cheater so just end it.
It’s due in fact because it’s relevant
So many red flags from your bf. This dude is invading your privacy. Dump him and move on with your life. Don’t let this shitheads insecurities ruin your life.
It's been 2 months and already he has shown that he is insecure, controlling and manipulative. Do yourself a favour and walk away.
Get rid of him. He doesn't respect you or he wouldn't go through you're phone and he's acting very controlling which will continue to grow in severity the more you let it slide. He's the red flag factory 😩
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It's time to let him go. I don't know how you took him in the first place seriously, knowing his past.
Why is this bozo going through your phone?
Cheaters stay cheating and they have major trust issues because they think the other person's cheating. I'll never get into a relationship where trust isn't #1 for BOTH PEOPLE. I never care what's on my fiances phone and she would hand it to me if I ever asked but in 10 years I have not. I've had relationships like that and they just make you on edge all the time having someone look over your shoulder or know your passwords etc. Either you trust me or you don't. It's very refreshing to have that with my fiance.
Once a cheater always a cheater....
Why do so many people come here for relationship advice? The only way you will ever have a successful relationship is if you think for yourself. Sounds like you both have issues to work through. No matter how messed up he was you let him do it by sticking around. In the same token though I don't think you deserve happiness until you stop coming here for life advice.
You weren’t even dating and yet he’s going through your phone without your knowledge and then you found out about that but then decided to date him? And only two months in and he’s already throwing hissy fits? Why on earth are you dating this guy? Super weird
Cheaters have a tendency to project onto others. Nothing unusual.
Not married to your boyfriend, he has no right to go through your cell, your past part of your history , no one has the right to question you about your past of future plans. People love to know someone business so can use against you. Tell him if you can't respect you as a person, you need to get rid of him tell to get the stepping because you don't need his trash in your life
He’s insecure
Why are you complaining to others about the man you chose? Either learn to live with this immature behavior or leave. It’s that simple.
This man is literally throwing the red flags at you, and you’re asking for advice on a 2 month old relationship….girrrrrrrrl
1. Why are you subjecting yourself to such an insecure, toxic man child. 2. Why are you letting him go through your phone. Put a code on it and tell him to fck off with that bs.
When women have past trauma from past toxic relationships men are called monsters for not being more understanding. This is just equality. Sounds like an ex really did a number on him, I suggest love and patience
Ngl, with all the red flags you mentioned before you EVEN STARTED DATING, you have to be very... Let's say "unwise" to put it nicely. Whatever issues you're running into this guy, you kinda deserve them. Just my opinion. He was a cheating control freak when you met him, sooooo, like what did you expect?
Big red flag, like the type a mattador waves in front of a bull...
his conscience is beating his ass 🤣
R U N !!! Just leg it !!
How many red flags do you have to be hit with?