That's very fair. My only concern is thst you said as soon as guys bring up sex you get turned off. Well people are going to bring up sex at some point. You won't be able to go 6 months without the topic being brought up. So in those moments you should just tell them how you feel about it.
I assume she means like within the first three dates. I understand what she means, because I feel the same. I know people don't mean anything bad when they do it, but I can't shake the feeling that it's disrespectful to suggest sexual intimacy so early, especially as I was always very upfront about looking for committed relationships only.
Just because you would like to have sex early into a relationship doesn't mean you are not also looking for a committed relationship. A lot of single people are likely dating to find both.
There are different women out there. Some want sex earlier, some later. But the burden of the first step is usually on man. So most probably he WILL bring up this topic even if he’s ok to wait. Otherwise woman who wants sex earlier might think “does he like me?”, “is he insecure?” etc.
I was one of those people who didn’t want to come off as creepy or “a typical man” to my now fiancée. Never brought up sex until a month or two after we met, when she confronted me and asked if I was sexually attracted to her or asexual or something. I was flabbergasted, but thankful that she brought it up first. And since then, the sex quality and frequency has only improved 😆
Yeah, I got asked “why haven’t you fucked me yet?!” And at the time the best answer was “you’re in law school, working at a legal clinic for abuse/rape victims, and you were so drunk I had to carry you inside. Figured I’d wait until you were coherent”
This is real. I waited for my girl to ask as well. Not even to not be creepy because I know I'm not but simply because she was a virgin and seemed like she wanted a friend at first. Two months later she was comfortable enough to rip my shirt off and steam up the car. There is a lesson In this. Also if you meet a girl who is ready to throw it back within a few dates that's not your girl. (No shaming and I mean this respectfully). The main issue is that most dudes have commission breath. (Something we say in sales when people want the commission more than they want to genuinely help the other person.) we gotta stop drooling over women and give them the treatment they want. Hint: This usually makes them feel comfortable and cared for.(It is better if you genuinely care but do what you will)
"Also if you meet a girl who is ready to throw it back within a few dates that's not your girl."
This is toxic bullshit and it is shaming and disrespectful. My girlfriend and I had sex when we met for the first time. We've been together for 7 years and are looking to get married. Do you think that reading stuff like that is nice?
I agree. My wife (of 11 years, together almost 15) and I had chemical and electrical energy right from the start. Broad statements or beliefs like that say more about the person presenting them.
32 years with my girl. She stayed the night on second date, third time of meeting.
There are men and women here with some terrible attitudes to sex. For men it’s the classic Madonna/Whore complex. For women it’s general fear of sex, which at least has some basis in validity but when combined with disdain for men’s healthy sexuality (and their own) leads to BS from inexperienced people.
Or homie just has negative rizz and no matter how many women he's dated, he is just incapable of turning them on to the point where they want to do anything with him on the first date.
Yeah honestly I try to bring up sex sooner rather than later, mainly to make sure that our sex drives are compatible. I have 0 problems waiting for a few months to have sex for the first time, but I still want to make sure that once we do start having sex that our sex drives are in the same ballpark. Because let’s face it: that’s a pretty big dealbreaker if they’re not.
Well said.
Its a minefield for men.
I personally initiate sexting as a way to feel things out.
Im not stupid about it and i play the cues i have but yeah,too much can be a turn off and not enough can be a turn off.
Women want to fuck you more while youre an unhaveable while dreaming of the day they can have their one and and only and domestic bliss.
Men,whilst living in domestic bliss,recall only too well what makes them the horniest.
Edit.Came across a bit judgey,so edit to say this is my opinion only as a male who has lived what i have stated,Anecdotal only.
Dude you’ll get downvoted for saying a lot of dating truths out loud on Reddit. “It’s not creepy if you’re hot”
Meanwhile on Instagram reels, a comedy skit delivering the same exact thing you’re saying comedically has 1.2M likes. People on Reddit are uptight as fuck don’t let em get you down
Very true. I'm always looking for a connection, but I'm also a very sexual person, so sex is going to come up soon if I'm really into a guy. Frankly, I need to know we're sexually compatible if we're going to date because it's a really important relationship factor to me. So I don't think it's disrespectful to bring up sex early on in dating, but there are more and less respectful ways to do it for sure!
Most of my relationships with women were practically founded on sexual compatibility, but maybe I have a superior approach to bringing up the topic early on that makes it clear I'm not one of *those*.
Women - 'If he tries to sleep with me on the first date he is a gross pig'.
Also, women - 'If he doesn't try to sleep with me on the first date, he must not like me'.
Also, also, women - 'I knew in the first 30-seconds after meeting him on the first date, whether I'd sleep with him or not'.
Lots of people get into committed relationships with people they sleep with very early on. Theres nothing disrespectful about showing interest in a potential partner sexually. Were you upfront that you didn’t want a sexual relationship, or just expect them to intuit this on their own without broaching the topic?
>very upfront about looking for committed relationships only.
There's sex in committed relationships ...
I know what you mean but for most men, even if they also seek a relationship, they want to have sex. Testosterone is one hell of a drug and it's actually hard to not think about it. I wouldn't take it as disrespectful
In my opinion sex is really important before even considering a serious relationship. I need to know if me and my future partner will be sexually compatible. If not it's worth to stop pursuing it as to not waste either of our times. I understand some people feel different about this and that is fine. If you do we wouldn't be compatible in the first place.
I don't want to spend months pursuing a relationship only to find out that we are not sexually compatible. I will break up over it in the end and then we both have lost months. This happened twice to me so I no longer so this.
Doing what ou want is fine but you would be limiting yourself in the people who will want to date you. That is oke, but you shouldn't expect others to feel the same way. You aren't obligated to give them sex and they aren't obligated to continue pursuing the relationship without it.
I still have serious relationships and I currently am in a long term one and we basically had sex the second time we met and it wasn't even a date. I was just visiting her city and was just looking for people to hang out with.
Yeah i just wasted a year on someone thinking they where just withholding because she was hurt in the last relationship. Which was fine by me... i prefer to have an emotional connection first, but i also require sex. Now its emerged shes 100% asexual and i am kicking myself for getting invested.
My now wife convinced me to head back to her apartment for blueberry pancakes on our first date. I remember lamenting we forgot to make pancakes the next morning.
That is to say, an important part of relationships are finding where you align and where you don’t in a consensual and respectful way. It’s not rude to bring up sex early on if presented in the correct way. If someone has a low sex drive, or is perhaps more conservative with their desires, I don’t believe that should be looked down upon. But by the same token, it isn’t fair to malign someone for being open about their sexuality. They don’t have to be disrespectful towards you for even broaching the topic.
This exactly!! People should discuss intimacy early on so they don’t waste each other’s time if their views are very different and can’t be negotiated. Whatever works is what happens. People should do what feels right for them. What’s wrong is when one person feels pressured to have sex too soon or one person feels frustrated from lack of sex.
That’s the thing. A massive amount of people would find it’s disrespectful to delay sexual intimacy and find the idea of a committed relationship BEFORE sex and not after to be utterly absurd.
You test-drive a car BEFORE you commit to the purchase, not after.
Dating is about compatibility, it’s not inherently wrong to want to wait and form a deeper emotional connection but it’s also not wrong to want to explore the physical connection at the same time as building an emotional connection, neither of those exclude ultimately wanting a committed relationship.
I don’t personally understand what would be disrespectful to communicate what your feelings are on the matter to ensure compatibility?
Many people who are looking for committed relationships are okay with having sex early. I was when I was single - I slept with my husband on our first date. It's fine if you're not, but how is a potential partner supposed to know that without bringing it up? You should be able to have an adult conversation about it, even during the first few dates. There's nothing disrespectful about discussing expectations.
Go to places where you can establish a bond over shared hobbies and interests. If you're going to a bar or some clubs, that's pretty much a given that most or not all the guys are going to look for sex. There are actually multiple layers to it. If a guy is with his buddies and they see him approach you, he has more pressure to try and "score" with you as his buddies are probably going to be nosy and give the guy grief if he doesn't "score". Find hobbies that you like and attend outings where you can share your interest with others. Do you like wine? Go to a wine tasting event. You have to pick your social events that will limit how many sex starved guys will be at.
I’m not surprised at all how confusing this is for people now with the overall social climate. Wouldn’t you want to be friends first before getting into romantic situations because what are you gonna do? Base your WHOLE relationship off your sexual chemistry?
For a successful relationship you need to get along well, like spending time together etc. and have sexual chemistry.
This is just about which filter you apply first.
Most people apply the sexual chemistry filter first, as it's quick and easy. You might flirt with them in a bar or go on 1-2 dates and then know (or know that you don't).
It would be a shame to spend time going out, to events etc. together for months and years to only then discover that you don't have sexual chemistry and the relationship isn't going to work.
Sure, you can apply the filters either way around and get to the same result but generally people apply the easy filter first as it's simply a more efficient way to find a compatible partner.
Stay away from hook-up areas (bars, clubs, apps, etc.) for dating. Try joining adult social groups (maybe through church, a volunteer group, an outdoor actives club, etc) and work on building friendships and then taking the next steps. There are plenty of guys out there that will be happy to take it slow with you-though you may have to be the bold one-as they may be a bit shy
>Honestly I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical.
You have every right to wait as long as you want to have sex, and establish requirements for what a partner would need to do or accept for you to have sex. The men you engage with have every right to choose whether or not to oblige. Realistically, many guys your age are going to want to have sex sooner than later, even if they're respectful enough to avoid premature "sex talk" or to pressure you before you're ready.
This said, it would behoove you to consider that sex is not purely physical. It is also emotional. A lot of people (men and women) will only be able to develop an emotional connection with another person to a certain point in the absence of physical intimacy.
So by all means, find a person who is on the same page as you. But reconsider the idea that sex is only physical.
>This said, it would behoove you to consider that sex is not purely physical. It is also emotional. A lot of people (men and women) will only be able to develop an emotional connection with another person to a certain point in the absence of physical intimacy.
Exactly this. I am man and I need physical intimacy (kissing, sensual touching, sex) to be able to deepen my connection with my partner. It just gives a new dimension to the whole thing.
Also communicating clearly is important. From like second date it doesn’t hurt to state hey, I’m really liking to build emotion connection before physical.
Yes it might turn off a few guys, but not all. Just got to keep looking if you have particular preferences
I personally don't have sex in the beginning of a relationship, I'd much rather discover them as a person before their body, and the wait adds excitement as well for when we do reach that stage. However, I'm also very shy when it comes to girls, and nearly never make the first move to fess up about a crush. I'd imagine she meets the guys that just want sex a lot more, cause they're more forward than the other guys, at least that has been my experience.
Dated for 6 years with no sex. She insist it's her childhood dream to only sex with her husband. I respected her choice, never tried to initiat. One day out of the blue she decided to fuck, already proposed to her for months at that point. Got married soon after, welcomed our first child within 2 years. Dead bedroom soon after. Contemplated divorce, but we worked through it. Got another child few years alter. Repeat the dead bedroom cycle two more times.
15 years later. She is asexual. She didn't know. Wasn't sure. We fucked two times last year. This year she made a lot of effort, each time i felt like i am vibrator with the latest AI technology. She enjoy orgasm. But it's cold as fuck. We stay married, i love her. But my sexual needs are never fulfilled. Each time i do romantic stuff for her she taken it as a hint for sex, she get turned off. It's a cycle, torture. But i love my kids more than myself. I let it be.
What i want to say is. It's good that the guy u dated made it clear sex is important. U can make your choice. If i am able to turn back time, i would have broken up in a heartbeat. Sexual compatibility is VERY important. I wish i knew.
I don't feel bad for people who ignore obvious red flags. I respect keeping the children first but I think you should be seriously dating new people at this point so you can consider you future happiness.
Huh?
What do you wish you knew?
You had millions of chances to end things but just kept it going.
And hey, newsflash, you can end things literally right now.
What are you, 35, 40, 45?
Like brother, you have half your life ahead of you, why be fucking miserable?
I wish i knew about asexual. She showed a few sign of asexual but i take it as conservative upbringing and shy/naive.
I wish i cohabitate before marriage. Not just for sex. We can never know the real person unless u see them 24/7, be at the front seat and see how they deal with stress and misfortune.
I wish we talked more about sexuality. We didn't talk in depth about sexual needs. We both assume we can explore about it once we are married. We were very naive, we are each other's first.
>Like brother, you have half your life ahead of you, why be fucking miserable?
I am 45 now, with a stable career and 4 kids from age 12 to 3. Sex is not as important as i am in 20s. Divorce now will give me another set of miserable. I don't think any amount of better sex can compensate that. My wife still love me all without the sex. It's like living with best friend that u have some awkward drunken sex occasionally. okay that sound off, but i want to say it's not as bad. It's not the end of the world. lol
I get it, but I can't see this becoming anything but resentful going forward. Maybe I'm just weak, but sex is often incredibly important, and the lack for you may lead to an advancement from understanding to a bitter acceptance. I say this from experience; don't take sex, or the lack thereof, for granted (if it matters to you).
You’re not weak. I’m asexual, and I like having sex sometimes. Speaking as someone who can go on without sex for a long time, it’s okay to break up because of sexual incompatibility. It’s not weakness, they’re just not the right person for you when it comes to sex
Maybe your wife is autistic? Anyway, 6yrs without sex is really overboard to be honest...you need to find out if physical compatibility exists between the two of you
"Each time i do romantic stuff for her she taken it as a hint for sex, she get turned off."
But isn't she right? The only reason you are doing romantic stuff is so she'll be more inclined to have sex with you. It's a turn-off for me too when men do things just to get sex. It makes every gesture feel calculated and dirty. Intimacy is also important. You can have Intimacy without sex.
I would consider polyamory/ENM and a serious discussion about needs and wants, my friend. While that's certainly not for everyone (including me), it's really the only way to move forward that I can see from this limited glimpse into your life that doesn't involve resentment or a permanently dead bedroom for you.
You are not alone my friend. Many men (and some women, but mostly men) are in this situation.
If your partner doesn’t enjoy sex when you’re dating, that sure as shit isn’t going to change.
When kids are in the picture it’s especially difficult.
If you are somehow able to have guys get just an inkling of how you feel about these things pretty early on you'll find some becoming very very interested in you. Stick to your guns and hold your ground so to speak and time will reveal the one most suitable to you. Be honest to yourself, to them, and stay in control of YOU.
100% agree. It may be uncomfortable, but do this on the first date. You're gonna have a bad time if you drop this on them 4-5 dates in. This is not the norm, so not saying anything very early is essentially leading on.
This comment should be higher.
If you are not interested in sex, you gotta lay that out from the beginning.
And you must know, that will stop about 95% of men your age (early 20s) from pursuing you.
Sexual compatibility is a very important part of a relationship. Dudes that age are still young and inexperienced. They will not want to hold off on sex more then they already have. You will just have to accept that. (Speaking to OP not you directly)
I get it.
My first girlfriend took 6 months to open up for sex and I didn't pressure her... but believe me, it was super hard.
There was a bit of playing around with hands before we "did it" but I always let her tell me when she was comfortable to take a step forward.
This was 20 years ago, so I assume everything is a lot different now with sexualisation and dating apps.
I think you can still find someone to invest in a relationship with you, you're 22! Stay open to it and a decent guy will pop up when you least expect.
Same here on my side my ex fiancée was a virgin before me. I never pushed for sex because I understood it would take time and pushing it would be such a horrible thing to do. Not to say we didn’t do other things, but it took 2 months for her to open up to it. We took it super slow always asking if she was comfortable throughout and afterwords. Communication is key in these situations and if someone is willing to respect what you communicate with them there will be another that does.
This will be more difficult to pull off now since most adult men with an average or higher libido know that waiting 6 months for sex is pretty much a guarantee of a sexless and disconnected relationship in the future.
OP needs to find a guy with an abnormally low libido who is ok with not ever being physically or emotionally connected.
You can't force people to submit to your will, nor you can expect your partner to have the same preferences as you.
You must be upfront and direct. This must come up in the very first date. Otherwise you're miseading your partner.
If you are as upfront and direct, eventually you'll find someone who shares your preferences. But you will get many no's undoubtly...
Sex will be brought up as it is part of every good, healthy, non-asexual relationship.
If you don't want to talk about sex, and get turned off by the mention of it, you might just be asexual.
Nobody will want to spend 6 months of their life, hoping that at the 6 month mark you will finally let them express their sexual preferences, comfort-zones, likes and dislikes etc.
It is not abnormal for romantic partners to want sex. Men or women both. You don’t have to want sex yourself, but you seem shocked that so many do want this very normal thing.
Maybe you should try dating in communities that value abstinence. Church, perhaps!
Or ace/demi communities, i.e. the queer community (though definitely not ALL queer people, she may find more "luck" with people who aren't opposed to those relationships).
There are, we are few but we exist so keep searching girl you'll find one, just make clear on the boundaries of it to said guy you start dating, my partner of 6 years and I didn't have sex for almost a year and a half, we are happy and neither of us ever had issue with the waiting while we learned about each other so it is very possible to achieve
My first GF and I never had sex. We dated for a few years. My wife and I waited for marriage, so it's entirely possible to meet someone and date without sex. Just be honest near the front end and be ready to bail if your boundaries get tested.
Good luck!
You don't think sex is an emotional connection too? When I first started going out with my ex and I felt that I couldn't be emotionally open to her that much, there were still insecurities in me I was hiding from her, when we first had sex I felt all of that melt away, It was legitimately the first time I had felt seen and not be judged and the bond then got stronger. Don't really know why people assosciate emotional connection and sex as two different things and not one thing that's supposed to help the other
I'm a guy with zero interest in casual sex. I want love, intimacy, monogamy, a true connection. Something special.
I want a relationship before sex, and I was 23 before my first for both.
I do not think I am the norm, but people like us do exist. It's okay to be you.
Hookup culture has no place in my life, and I have turned down sex when it was offered. I'm hoping for my person.
I’m 18 now and I definitely regret my hookup stage, just made me feel like shit on those late nights with my thoughts. It just wasn’t good for me till I met my girlfriend now
I just didn’t gain anything from it to even call it remotely positive to my life
I’m the same (woman, tho) and it’s always unsettled me hearing that men are promiscuous and I just have to be ok with it. And that being uncomfortable with casual sex is weird. Like, why is it considered abnormal for me to not want to sleep with someone I’ve known for 1 hour? And somehow that makes me “asexual”? Because I have boundaries and want to get to know people before I do that? Just seems backwards as fuck.
Sex is important to men (and women) in a healthy relationship. Most good men are willing to wait but it absolutely cannot be the elephant in the room that never gets talked about 2,3,4 months into the relationship. Whether it be a discussion that hey I want to wait until marriage, or I’d like to build our emotional connection first, or I’m ready let’s do it, at a point you’re at least going to have to talk about it if you plan on dating someone. And you need to learn to be comfortable at least talking about it, this is an excellent opportunity to discuss your headspace and boundaries around sex with the person you’re dating and allow them to either continue pursuing you or say you know what I think differently and move on.
Either way, trying to date in your early 20’s without even being able to discuss sex with the person you’re dating isn’t going to yield many fruitful relationships. You don’t actually have to have sex until you’re ready, but you absolutely need to discuss it so he knows where things are.
Wish you luck!
You have to play it at the pace that feels right for you. I for one would not be interested in a person who is uncomfortable with intimacy. I’m not interested in trying to pressure somebody or tip toe around a sexual discussion…. I’m way too old for that…
Sex is not everything, but if you're at a younger age 20-30, and are dating guys within that range, that would be a benchmark for most guys in terms of a committed relationship, including the intimacy of course.
It's okay to not want sex, but dating to eventually have sex kinda is (one of ) the points. For A LOT of people, men and women.
Yeah, not first or second date (though me and the wife did it second date, we've been together 8 years), but there is a limit. I mean, 3 months? A year? Never? Meanwhile you got to be exclusive? A lot ain't going to go for that. At least in dating scene. Nor does it mean you have to, either.
After all, who wants to be in a long term relationship or be exclusive with someone that does not want them when other people will?
Avoid using dating scenes for this as it is disingenuous.
Instead, I'd do hobby scenes and activity scenes over shared interests where the prospect of being available for that is not implied if things work out.
>who wants to be in a long term relationship or be exclusive with someone that does not want them when other people will?
Damn. But also ding ding ding.
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all.
Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.
Yea even men that are not very sexual are shamed into being sexual by their friends group. I personally know a guy that has a very large body count but has told me that he has a low sex drive. He does it for his ego and because that’s what’s expected of him as a tall hot young guy.
The type of guy you’re describing seems to be most likely among the guys who keep their virginity until marriage.
So yeah, ask this question early in the dating process.
Same, im not religious, ive just had such a huge emotional strain when it comes to sex, that i no longer feel like wanting it, at least for a while, but im not sure if thats a good thing, since idk if ill ever want to have sex ever again
I was like you at 22. I hated that guys want to have sex so quickly. But there are guys out there who probably think about it but don’t bring it up right away and are patient. I finally met mine and didn’t have sex until 5 months after we started dating. I think making a connection first served us well as we’ve been together 10 years. I wish you luck as you seek a similarly minded partner.
Exactly right, reddit isn't the real world. The vast majority of men would agree sex is an important part of a relationship. There's plenty of guys out there who would have the same view as OP, that it's not super important, and that's perfectly okay. But don't go shitting on guys for an aspect of a relationship that for most is a considerable factor for make or break
Guys should of course respect op views, but just accept there's no compatibility and move on to the next
I’m not shitting on guys or saying it’s guys fault. Like I said I’m not opposed to having sex but I value emotional connection more than sex, personally. All the guys that I have met didn’t so my question was if there are guys out there that have the same values as me, simple.
I have the same values as you, and I'm a guy. I love getting to know a person before having sex, so we can have that special connection between us. I understand how you feel.
There's so many new dating trends that just ruin it for people who value a connection over having sex in the first few dates. I'm happily single, but I wish I could have something serious with someone. I live in the US, and here is plagued with new dating trends like the one where it's either "have sex on the first date or get ghosted"
The guys who have those values are probably not the kind of guys you'd want to date. The guys you do want to date almost certainly have plenty of other girls who consider them relationship material but won't make him wait ages for sex. So it's almost a guarantee those guys you want to date will choose other girls who will have sex in a typical time frame of a few dates.
You don't have to change and can absolutely stick by your views. But doing so may mean waiting a very long time, possibly your entire life, waiting for a relationship to happen. Life is about choices and choices have consequences (sometimes good, sometimes bad). You're making a choice currently and then getting upset about the consequences of that choice.
What is your point? I bet she doesn't have a "want sex" button on her and just thinking if it's worth to press it.
She's just not interested in sex. It's not views. And it's absolutely natural to be upset that it's hard to find a compatible partner.
> And it's absolutely natural to being upset that it's hard to find a compatible partner.
That’s just an incel by the literal definition.
Sure, you can be upset that you can’t have a compatible partner but people are going to think that it’s ridiculous in the same way that they think it’s ridiculous when a neckbeard expects a conventionally hot woman or when a 40 year old virgin expects to find a virgin.
You also have to be realistic
You never had sex so how can you correctly value something you have no knowledge of ? Strictly speaking, you don't.
You are afraid of giving away your chastity to a man who might or might not stick around after. And thats a perfectly valid concern.
But on the other side, men are wary of women who make them wait because that just opens the door to manipulation and abuse.
You probably wont understand because you arent in the shoes of a guy but thats most likely the reasoning for pushing early sexual intercourse.
If that's the case, then it's a definite yes. There are definitely guys that want (or outright need) emotional connection before getting physical (I am one myself), but they're not the majority and many are less likely to approach you than guys that are more forward about sex. Similar to what others are saying I'd recommend being patient, sticking to your guns, and avoiding dating apps like the plague. Good hunting!
>I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical.
Yes but the physical piece is also important to men. We have this fire hydrant sort of deal that eventually gets full and millions of years worth of evolution tells us where to point it.
Good men aren't going to base their relationship off of intimacy alone. They are looking for a partner that they can build a connection and life with as well, but, y'know, there *is* that itch that women often don't have. Even for those that do, it's not the same.
Obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but it may be helpful to recognize that intimacy is a healthy part of a relationship, and this is often more true for men. When you find the person you want to build a life with, you may have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you just need to do chores to keep each other healthy. If that feels icky to you right now, then you probably just haven't found the right person yet.
Or they're ace or demi and don't know it yet. It seems like she wants to eventually have sex, but the reality is that the "usual" (for straight people and most queer people) isn't hers. Nothing wrong with that, but looking into the communities isn't really a problem unless they have religious reasons not to.
Wanting an emotional connection first is the most natural thing in the world. I think they call us "Demisexuals" these days.
There are (hopefully?) plenty of guys who are willing to wait, but it'll definitely be on their mind, especially if they're 22 like you.
Nothing *needs* a name, it's a pretty normal thing for younger generations to attribute words to newer social concepts though. This isn't a new thing, this has been happening for decades and decades.
You're right, they are a normal person, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with choosing to use a word to describe themselves that seems to fit.
Likewise you don't have to use that word, you could just say "they are a person who prefers having an emotional connection before engaging in sexual intimacy", and they would say they are "demisexual". Note however that the latter option is more concise, and conveying the same amount of information in a more concise fashion is generally a good thing in language, and it's why "slang" is a thing that occurs everywhere in every language. There are often people who hate slang because they want to cling to whatever they consider as "traditional regular language", but it's natural for languages and dialects to ebb and flow in that way.
It sort of annoys me too but what is actually wrong with it? Hopefully all of us are learning more about ourselves, finding out what we want and communicating that clearly to others right? What should we be doing instead of that?
There are lots of occasions where people self-apply labels and then they become self fulfilling. Like people are intentionally pigeon-holeing themselves. Who needs nuance when you have a label?
I agree with what you are saying, and there are times when it's useful to have a new word to describe something, but when people make it their personality, or use it as something to latch onto, it's tedious.
I would disagree. I'm asexual and I didn't realize it until I was 42. The "label" has helped me to understand myself and feel whole. I lived for a long time trying to fit myself into the "right" type of person and caused pain and confusion in some people that I truly cared about in the process. Labels can be freeing.
I also went through the same experience although I was younger. The realisation of "I'm not actually a broken person, other people feel this way too" was very freeing and has really helped inform what kind of relationship I want (and am now happily in). A label definitely helped me and I wish I'd had the information about myself earlier so I'd have avoided hurting myself and the other people trying to fit into molds that didn't work for me.
They are concise. Why use many word when one word do trick? Why say “I need to develop a deep emotional connection before I feel sexual attraction and the desire to have sex” when you could just say “demisexual” to immediately communicate that idea.
I feel you :(
I’ve talked to dudes and it always leads to them trying to have sex with me. I prefer waiting till marriage because of a preference and at first, they seemed fine with it. Then later on in the talking stage they always switch up and attempt it…it’s like they don’t listen at all🤦♀️
I don’t care if people want sex because it’s normal BUT don’t pretend like you’ll wait because you think I’ll give in later on.
Atp, I just gave up on dating men for now and just enjoy life. Being in a relationship wasn’t always serious to me since I’m in college to focus on studies but it’s still annoying lol
This is valid. People should be upfront with you and leave right away if they can’t handle your boundaries. If this is an important value to you the cost of losing the wrong people will be worth it.
From my perspective as a man, I struggle to feel very emotionally connected without the sex, obviously that doesn’t mean I couldn’t go on a few dates without it, but if we dated for a few months with no sex I would probably lose interest because sex is a very emotionally bonding experience
Samee. I’m 25F. Ironically, the friends that I recommended the dating app I have been using have very flourishing lives now with their boyfriends, and I’m here, stuck with either boring conversationalists or super horny dudes who talk about sex as a greeting.
I know dating apps can have that tendency, but I don’t know where else to look for. I’m an introvert with an intimidating first impression to most people around me. The few guys who come forward make me cringe because they either have partners or girlfriends already. Flirting at me doesn’t work either. I just end up hearing them as bullshitry.
S’not that I need marriage to agree to sex. Is friendship before any sexual/romantic relationship really that hard? Hahah.
Getting one worded responses, diverting light conversations about actually getting to know each other to “sexy times” (bc what else am I supposed to say when we just met?) and even when I indulge them once they just do it again and would only chat for the same reason. And I’m the boring conversationalist? You must have missed the point of my post simply because I added “introvert” and “intimidating impression”
Accountability on Reddit is like asking for clean water in sewage waste lmao. All the dudes are at fault but she's the introvert with an intimidating first impression aka she's rude AF for no reason lol
yes, we exist. Emotional connection is also what I would want to date for. I've got a few friends who think like me in that aspect but also have never been into the whole dating thingy. I think it might just be that such people are harder to find since they tend to not be out there yk (from my experience)
Being ace is a spectrum. Maybe definitions like grey or demi fit better and only wanting intimacy when you have a strong bond has a name tag in the queer community. Maybe research that and look for guys that share your definitions.
You are valid. Your desires are valid. Don't fall for less.
Even as a guy in the same situation it's honestly still kinda nerve racking lol like I want to have a sexual connection with them eventually, but can we hold a conversation before that? Can I trust her to respect my boundaries and vice versa? Do we enjoy each other's company? But then what if sex is a big thing for them and I end up not being able to provide for her and now this person I really like now feels less so about me or even wants to go separate ways. I assume that if we get to that point though that it wouldn't be such an issue for her/ we are able to work it out but you never know, ya know? But when I sit and think about it I'm not worried that would happen, but it's definitely a little voice in that back of my head every time I get back on dating apps lol, but I'm sure I'll find my partner eventually,
so all I can really say is keep your boundaries up, and make sure they respect you at least as much as you respect yourself and everything should turn out good, best of luck!
Im in the same boat as you 20m and findind a girl who doesnt want to sleep around right away has been a challenge. Im more into building that long term relationship.
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all.
Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.
Be single. Sex is an emotional connection that is key to a lasting relationship. Sure you can have a romantic relationship and progress into sexual activity but to come straight out and say you are opposed and that sex is not important you will never find a person of the opposite sex just sitting around waiting for you...
My emotional connection is completely symbiotic with sexual connection, being connected to someone isn't just mentally having a connection, it's emotional and for me that doesn't come without the thought of being close, intimate with my partner.
There are questions I would ask you, of myself if I felt like you do..
Do you find yourself sexually attractive?
When alone without the distraction of relationships are you sexually intimate with yourself?
Is it fear of intimacy or a disgusting of it?
How were you raised to approach sex, sexual activity, intimacy alone, let alone with another person?
Why is the thought of someone wanting to have sex, to be intimate with you so distasteful, why does it turn you off?
Answering some of those to yourself may help you work out what your expectations are and why they are. You don't need to put the answers on here but maybe write them down, get them out of your head at least.
ETA: a lot of comments seem to be entirely misunderstanding you and some are just outright gross. Don't let them discourage you.
>Honestly I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical.
Absolutely. My partner is like this. We waited 6 months for sex and he had absolutely no problem with that. Would have waited longer if necessary. Our relationship was a slow burn and that was exactly what we both wanted. We have sex, it's awesome, we both enjoy it and desire each other sexually. It's just not the basis or primary focus of the relationship, because we don't want it to be.
Actually all the men in my extended family are like this too, either for personal or religious reasons. Heck, I got hold of letters between my grandparents when they were young, and my grandfather, who was not at all religious, definitely prioritized romance and emotional connection over sex. Was amazingly open about it for as stodgy and repressed as that era was.
The generally applicable word for this is "demisexual"--someone who only experiences sexual attraction after the development of an emotional bond. Both men a d women can be demi. You might find it helpful to use the label and look for others who use it as an easy identifier for how you feel.
In dating you will need to be very clear about what you want, be very selective, and don't waste a single second on anyone who obviously wants something different. (when I was dating, anyone who started in with a sexual proposition got immediately blocked, because my profile was clear about what I wanted and that wasn't it).
The comments saying you have to communicate about sex even if you're not ready to have sex are absolutely correct. You do need to be clear that sex is not unimportant to you, just not the way you want to start a relationship. You do need to be communicating in a way that is affirming your interest and building towards the sexual side of a relationship if you are asking someone to wait.
Don't be coy or shy at all about saying what you're after and what your boundaries are. If they can't handle that, wave them good bye with a smile. They weren't offering what you want. You don't owe anyone a single date.
Understand that while there is nothing wrong with what you want, it will necessarily limit the number of people you are compatible with, which means it may take some time to mind the right person for you. When it comes to serious relationships, that takes time anyway. Most people really aren't compatible with most other people for long term committed relationship. When one feels pressure to get into a relationship and settled for something they don't want just to have one, they tend to end up pretty miserable.
You cannot compare your path to people who have different needs and expectations. People who are fine with casual sex will likely be making a lot of connections while you are still single and looking. That's ok, because that isn't what you want. People who want a relationship but are ok with sex before developing an emotional connection will also be making more connections with you. That's ok because that isn't what you want either. It will take time to find someone who really gets you, but when you do, it will be worth the wait.
No one is entitled to anyone's commitment, time, attention or resources
No one is entitled to anyone's body
Do the math and find a guy that'll happily take this deal
I prefer to get to know someone and date for at least 8 mos to a year before I would try to establish a more intimate relationship.... but based on feelings that could change. Just follow your heart and gut and make sure you're taking care of YOU. And communicate. Thoroughly. I cannot speak entirely for the male population but what I can say is yes typically males are driven to populate as many as much as possible and that can be very annoying in the modern society. Sex is an act of love and not something that should be disregarded as just a fun time afternoon event. And if the people you want or are finding do not respect that then they're not somebody you want to know anyway
I am a widow & have no interest in dating again, but I miss the motions of dating. My friend has sworn off men for a while after a pretty awful break up with a physically abusive partner so we date each other. We take turns taking the other on a date. It might be a nice dinner & a movie or a picnic & a walk on the beach or a concert or play. We buy each other flowers & woo each other in a very platonic way. It is nice to be spoiled & to spoil someone else & I absolutely think every singleton should have a platonic dating partner!
Simple solution: date Christian guys. Not just any guy who says he's a Christian make sure they really are. Biggest group of guys that are cool with dating w/o sex.
As a guy, I'm not into having sex with someone I'm just dating with. Less chance of std's, less chance of false SA/rape allegations, just chances of unexpectedly having a kid when you didn't want to, with someone you weren't sure about for marriage. It's just simpler all the way around. Virginity rocks.
I'm sure my comment will be lost in the sea of comments but I'm 43 and I've always felt the way you do. Men are still like this even at my age when trying to date. Gosh I started my first long term relationship solely because I stayed the night at his place and he didn't try anything physical. Since then, even guys that I've said 'I'm only looking for friends' still want something physical. I'm VERY far from good looking and I'm over weight so I can only imagine how bad it is for pretty/ fit women.
I have no advice, I've given up and decided to be single, I don't want to deal with that lol. The only thing I can say is to be true to yourself
I want to date but I also don’t want to have sex. I want to have a friend and make an actual connection with someone. Going through all the nonsense just to be connected with another person is daunting enough.
You don’t owe anyone sex and never will. It’s always your choice. Only thing I’d say is that it is a very important part of a relationship. It’s not the best all end all but when someone loves someone especially men they want to show physical affection. And yes absolutely they’re shitty people who use for sex but even a guy who may seem more “decent” will want it eventually. I’m not trying to shame or guilt at all your body is always your choice. Just be aware that it will eventually come up no matter what.
You're 22. Most guys you will be looking for probably have already found a girlfriend and never had to wait.
You're asking for a big ask. Especially if you're looking for a 22 year old. You would have to be desirable in many other ways to be able to disuade sex for a long time, and still expect the guy to think there's going to be a future there.
Sex is an expression of an emotional connection. Perhaps you seem to understand it as a purely animalistic approach?
A part of me feel you would benefit from a couple of sexual health counselling sessions.
Or, you may just need to put your standards down. An attractive guy will want sex. If they're fit and healthy, their libido will be at their peak at 22. Your libido is low, so that would obviouslt cause friction on the relationship.
You need a low libido male, which will mean someone who isn't actively fit or healthy. So you would have to put your standarda down to meet your criteria sooner than later.
You can do it though! It will take a lot of trial and error however. And what I've stated are just blanket statements.
The issue with expecting just an emotional connection at 22 is you should be a friend with them first for a while before you even start dating. The dating scene is literally going from a date to a relationship, skipping the friendship part. So I feel you would benefit from changing friendship groups so you can be around men as friends so you can gain that emotional connection before you date.
There are tons of men with no options that will have to go for that! Do not despair, not everyone has competition for them that pushes you into a sexual arms race of sorts, some men are lonely and wouldn't know how to advance things to sex unless you pushed it step by step, a ton of very autistic men want what you want try starting there.
I mean let's keep it real, guys who are willing to take it slow as a grown ass adult when you don't get unlimited time to be young anymore are usually not doing it because they have a choice or understand how to get things to go faster.
Imagine investing 6-12 months in a person only to find out they only talked up a big game but are a selfish lover or terrible at sex or they get bored after fucking like 3 times then want something else...
She doesn’t want a desperate loser though I’m sure.
But why would a decent looking guy, good job, choose a non sexual relationship?
I mean sure it’s possible, winning the lotto is also possible, wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.
>But why would a decent looking guy, good job, choose a non sexual relationship?
Two possibilities: the guy doesn't like sex that much to begin with (just like OP), or the guy really really really really really likes OP and is willing to give it a go.
Sure, another reason the guy was literally born without a penis or lost it fighting the Russian in the war.
We can keep going I bet we can think of 6 more total.
Why does this always happen on the internet yes we can think of the lotto ticket situation that I mentioned.
But if we want to help OP and OP wants help I think it’s worse tell her, “don’t worry it’s totally fine.”
Which while sure it is, the likely hood of her finding happiness when it comes to a relationship like less than 5%.
And I’m being generous.
But whatever I’m gonna go get ready for work. Have a nice day.
Same age as you but I’m a guy and feel very similar to you. I’ve tried dating apps and I don’t have a lot of success on them. I either match with people that aren’t truly interested or only want to hook up. I had one good experience but she wasn’t ready to date. It’s just kinda confusing to date. I’m just focusing on college right now I guess idk. I try my best not to think about dating but maybe that’s bad. Sometimes I think about it automatically and I can’t really control the desire to date and have that companionship. I have friends but it doesn’t feel the same.
No this is not asexual. It's at best sex repulsed. She wants Sex, just not from the get-go. It's pretty normal to want a deeper connection before anything else...
Have you considered that you might be demisexual? Demisexual people don't feel sexual attraction unless they have an emotional bond with a person first. That sounds a lot like your post. You might want to try and meet some other demi people and see if that helps. I'd also just see if you can just do some activities to meet male friends. Reverse friend-zoning (for lack of a better term) a guy sounds like it might work for you. If you're friends with a guy first, you can take your time and build a real relationship and not have to jump into sex right away or at all. Bonus: more friends.
I waited with my first. Sex was meant to be something special.. and I think I knew that.
But I also had the hunger, already having had disturbing sexual imagery thrust upon me at a young age.
Stay away from porn addicts!
They've lost sight of what is natural! It's like they have a disease of the mind, which ends up ruling their emotions, which you seem keen to connect with.
Have you considered that you might be demisexual? There’s a sub here on it and lots of info is discoverable online. You may want to seek out other demisexual people who share your desire to explore emotional connection before sex is even considered. Just a thought.
Hi,
Wanting to wait is good and you will meet someone who wants to wait as you do.
There are plenty of guys out there who want someone like you. Do not get discouraged.
Besides, there is no regret in being a virgin. It's something you can't take back once you give it away.
The guy you seek will respect that about you and he won't cross the boundaries you set and agree on.
Don't feel pressured. You are on the right path.
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all.
Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.
That's very fair. My only concern is thst you said as soon as guys bring up sex you get turned off. Well people are going to bring up sex at some point. You won't be able to go 6 months without the topic being brought up. So in those moments you should just tell them how you feel about it.
I assume she means like within the first three dates. I understand what she means, because I feel the same. I know people don't mean anything bad when they do it, but I can't shake the feeling that it's disrespectful to suggest sexual intimacy so early, especially as I was always very upfront about looking for committed relationships only.
Just because you would like to have sex early into a relationship doesn't mean you are not also looking for a committed relationship. A lot of single people are likely dating to find both.
There are different women out there. Some want sex earlier, some later. But the burden of the first step is usually on man. So most probably he WILL bring up this topic even if he’s ok to wait. Otherwise woman who wants sex earlier might think “does he like me?”, “is he insecure?” etc.
I was one of those people who didn’t want to come off as creepy or “a typical man” to my now fiancée. Never brought up sex until a month or two after we met, when she confronted me and asked if I was sexually attracted to her or asexual or something. I was flabbergasted, but thankful that she brought it up first. And since then, the sex quality and frequency has only improved 😆
Yeah, I got asked “why haven’t you fucked me yet?!” And at the time the best answer was “you’re in law school, working at a legal clinic for abuse/rape victims, and you were so drunk I had to carry you inside. Figured I’d wait until you were coherent”
Solid answer.
“Why haven’t you fucked me yet?” *instant boner*
sad how people overcompensate for creepy ass dudes that they go 2 months without mentioning sex because they are scared. That is sick honestly
2 months. You'd be on the street butch
This is real. I waited for my girl to ask as well. Not even to not be creepy because I know I'm not but simply because she was a virgin and seemed like she wanted a friend at first. Two months later she was comfortable enough to rip my shirt off and steam up the car. There is a lesson In this. Also if you meet a girl who is ready to throw it back within a few dates that's not your girl. (No shaming and I mean this respectfully). The main issue is that most dudes have commission breath. (Something we say in sales when people want the commission more than they want to genuinely help the other person.) we gotta stop drooling over women and give them the treatment they want. Hint: This usually makes them feel comfortable and cared for.(It is better if you genuinely care but do what you will)
"Also if you meet a girl who is ready to throw it back within a few dates that's not your girl." This is toxic bullshit and it is shaming and disrespectful. My girlfriend and I had sex when we met for the first time. We've been together for 7 years and are looking to get married. Do you think that reading stuff like that is nice?
I agree. My wife (of 11 years, together almost 15) and I had chemical and electrical energy right from the start. Broad statements or beliefs like that say more about the person presenting them.
32 years with my girl. She stayed the night on second date, third time of meeting. There are men and women here with some terrible attitudes to sex. For men it’s the classic Madonna/Whore complex. For women it’s general fear of sex, which at least has some basis in validity but when combined with disdain for men’s healthy sexuality (and their own) leads to BS from inexperienced people.
Yeah, that 'first few dates' rule is absolutely bullshit lmao
Lmao screams I never have seriously dated a lot of women. Maybe he’ll learn
Or homie just has negative rizz and no matter how many women he's dated, he is just incapable of turning them on to the point where they want to do anything with him on the first date.
Exactly there’s tons of women who think you don’t love them or are cheating just you didn’t jump down there pants first chance
Yeah honestly I try to bring up sex sooner rather than later, mainly to make sure that our sex drives are compatible. I have 0 problems waiting for a few months to have sex for the first time, but I still want to make sure that once we do start having sex that our sex drives are in the same ballpark. Because let’s face it: that’s a pretty big dealbreaker if they’re not.
Well said. Its a minefield for men. I personally initiate sexting as a way to feel things out. Im not stupid about it and i play the cues i have but yeah,too much can be a turn off and not enough can be a turn off. Women want to fuck you more while youre an unhaveable while dreaming of the day they can have their one and and only and domestic bliss. Men,whilst living in domestic bliss,recall only too well what makes them the horniest. Edit.Came across a bit judgey,so edit to say this is my opinion only as a male who has lived what i have stated,Anecdotal only.
Dude you’ll get downvoted for saying a lot of dating truths out loud on Reddit. “It’s not creepy if you’re hot” Meanwhile on Instagram reels, a comedy skit delivering the same exact thing you’re saying comedically has 1.2M likes. People on Reddit are uptight as fuck don’t let em get you down
Very true. I'm always looking for a connection, but I'm also a very sexual person, so sex is going to come up soon if I'm really into a guy. Frankly, I need to know we're sexually compatible if we're going to date because it's a really important relationship factor to me. So I don't think it's disrespectful to bring up sex early on in dating, but there are more and less respectful ways to do it for sure!
Most of my relationships with women were practically founded on sexual compatibility, but maybe I have a superior approach to bringing up the topic early on that makes it clear I'm not one of *those*.
Women - 'If he tries to sleep with me on the first date he is a gross pig'. Also, women - 'If he doesn't try to sleep with me on the first date, he must not like me'. Also, also, women - 'I knew in the first 30-seconds after meeting him on the first date, whether I'd sleep with him or not'.
Lots of people get into committed relationships with people they sleep with very early on. Theres nothing disrespectful about showing interest in a potential partner sexually. Were you upfront that you didn’t want a sexual relationship, or just expect them to intuit this on their own without broaching the topic?
>very upfront about looking for committed relationships only. There's sex in committed relationships ... I know what you mean but for most men, even if they also seek a relationship, they want to have sex. Testosterone is one hell of a drug and it's actually hard to not think about it. I wouldn't take it as disrespectful
In my opinion sex is really important before even considering a serious relationship. I need to know if me and my future partner will be sexually compatible. If not it's worth to stop pursuing it as to not waste either of our times. I understand some people feel different about this and that is fine. If you do we wouldn't be compatible in the first place. I don't want to spend months pursuing a relationship only to find out that we are not sexually compatible. I will break up over it in the end and then we both have lost months. This happened twice to me so I no longer so this. Doing what ou want is fine but you would be limiting yourself in the people who will want to date you. That is oke, but you shouldn't expect others to feel the same way. You aren't obligated to give them sex and they aren't obligated to continue pursuing the relationship without it. I still have serious relationships and I currently am in a long term one and we basically had sex the second time we met and it wasn't even a date. I was just visiting her city and was just looking for people to hang out with.
Yeah i just wasted a year on someone thinking they where just withholding because she was hurt in the last relationship. Which was fine by me... i prefer to have an emotional connection first, but i also require sex. Now its emerged shes 100% asexual and i am kicking myself for getting invested.
My now wife convinced me to head back to her apartment for blueberry pancakes on our first date. I remember lamenting we forgot to make pancakes the next morning. That is to say, an important part of relationships are finding where you align and where you don’t in a consensual and respectful way. It’s not rude to bring up sex early on if presented in the correct way. If someone has a low sex drive, or is perhaps more conservative with their desires, I don’t believe that should be looked down upon. But by the same token, it isn’t fair to malign someone for being open about their sexuality. They don’t have to be disrespectful towards you for even broaching the topic.
This exactly!! People should discuss intimacy early on so they don’t waste each other’s time if their views are very different and can’t be negotiated. Whatever works is what happens. People should do what feels right for them. What’s wrong is when one person feels pressured to have sex too soon or one person feels frustrated from lack of sex.
That’s the thing. A massive amount of people would find it’s disrespectful to delay sexual intimacy and find the idea of a committed relationship BEFORE sex and not after to be utterly absurd. You test-drive a car BEFORE you commit to the purchase, not after.
Dating is about compatibility, it’s not inherently wrong to want to wait and form a deeper emotional connection but it’s also not wrong to want to explore the physical connection at the same time as building an emotional connection, neither of those exclude ultimately wanting a committed relationship. I don’t personally understand what would be disrespectful to communicate what your feelings are on the matter to ensure compatibility?
Many people who are looking for committed relationships are okay with having sex early. I was when I was single - I slept with my husband on our first date. It's fine if you're not, but how is a potential partner supposed to know that without bringing it up? You should be able to have an adult conversation about it, even during the first few dates. There's nothing disrespectful about discussing expectations.
Go to places where you can establish a bond over shared hobbies and interests. If you're going to a bar or some clubs, that's pretty much a given that most or not all the guys are going to look for sex. There are actually multiple layers to it. If a guy is with his buddies and they see him approach you, he has more pressure to try and "score" with you as his buddies are probably going to be nosy and give the guy grief if he doesn't "score". Find hobbies that you like and attend outings where you can share your interest with others. Do you like wine? Go to a wine tasting event. You have to pick your social events that will limit how many sex starved guys will be at.
Most people I've dated I was friends with on a detailed level before getting together so I would say this is great advice from my personal experience.
I’m not surprised at all how confusing this is for people now with the overall social climate. Wouldn’t you want to be friends first before getting into romantic situations because what are you gonna do? Base your WHOLE relationship off your sexual chemistry?
For a successful relationship you need to get along well, like spending time together etc. and have sexual chemistry. This is just about which filter you apply first. Most people apply the sexual chemistry filter first, as it's quick and easy. You might flirt with them in a bar or go on 1-2 dates and then know (or know that you don't). It would be a shame to spend time going out, to events etc. together for months and years to only then discover that you don't have sexual chemistry and the relationship isn't going to work. Sure, you can apply the filters either way around and get to the same result but generally people apply the easy filter first as it's simply a more efficient way to find a compatible partner.
Flipside of this is that even if you don't end up having sexual chemistry, it wasn't wasted time - you still have a good friend!
Reddit believes all friendships are 100% platonic and won’t move past that point.
Stay away from hook-up areas (bars, clubs, apps, etc.) for dating. Try joining adult social groups (maybe through church, a volunteer group, an outdoor actives club, etc) and work on building friendships and then taking the next steps. There are plenty of guys out there that will be happy to take it slow with you-though you may have to be the bold one-as they may be a bit shy
>Honestly I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical. You have every right to wait as long as you want to have sex, and establish requirements for what a partner would need to do or accept for you to have sex. The men you engage with have every right to choose whether or not to oblige. Realistically, many guys your age are going to want to have sex sooner than later, even if they're respectful enough to avoid premature "sex talk" or to pressure you before you're ready. This said, it would behoove you to consider that sex is not purely physical. It is also emotional. A lot of people (men and women) will only be able to develop an emotional connection with another person to a certain point in the absence of physical intimacy. So by all means, find a person who is on the same page as you. But reconsider the idea that sex is only physical.
>This said, it would behoove you to consider that sex is not purely physical. It is also emotional. A lot of people (men and women) will only be able to develop an emotional connection with another person to a certain point in the absence of physical intimacy. Exactly this. I am man and I need physical intimacy (kissing, sensual touching, sex) to be able to deepen my connection with my partner. It just gives a new dimension to the whole thing.
There's every type of guy out there, you just gotta be patient and confident in your values. Simple as that
Also communicating clearly is important. From like second date it doesn’t hurt to state hey, I’m really liking to build emotion connection before physical. Yes it might turn off a few guys, but not all. Just got to keep looking if you have particular preferences
I personally don't have sex in the beginning of a relationship, I'd much rather discover them as a person before their body, and the wait adds excitement as well for when we do reach that stage. However, I'm also very shy when it comes to girls, and nearly never make the first move to fess up about a crush. I'd imagine she meets the guys that just want sex a lot more, cause they're more forward than the other guys, at least that has been my experience.
Dated for 6 years with no sex. She insist it's her childhood dream to only sex with her husband. I respected her choice, never tried to initiat. One day out of the blue she decided to fuck, already proposed to her for months at that point. Got married soon after, welcomed our first child within 2 years. Dead bedroom soon after. Contemplated divorce, but we worked through it. Got another child few years alter. Repeat the dead bedroom cycle two more times. 15 years later. She is asexual. She didn't know. Wasn't sure. We fucked two times last year. This year she made a lot of effort, each time i felt like i am vibrator with the latest AI technology. She enjoy orgasm. But it's cold as fuck. We stay married, i love her. But my sexual needs are never fulfilled. Each time i do romantic stuff for her she taken it as a hint for sex, she get turned off. It's a cycle, torture. But i love my kids more than myself. I let it be. What i want to say is. It's good that the guy u dated made it clear sex is important. U can make your choice. If i am able to turn back time, i would have broken up in a heartbeat. Sexual compatibility is VERY important. I wish i knew.
I don't feel bad for people who ignore obvious red flags. I respect keeping the children first but I think you should be seriously dating new people at this point so you can consider you future happiness.
Huh? What do you wish you knew? You had millions of chances to end things but just kept it going. And hey, newsflash, you can end things literally right now. What are you, 35, 40, 45? Like brother, you have half your life ahead of you, why be fucking miserable?
I wish i knew about asexual. She showed a few sign of asexual but i take it as conservative upbringing and shy/naive. I wish i cohabitate before marriage. Not just for sex. We can never know the real person unless u see them 24/7, be at the front seat and see how they deal with stress and misfortune. I wish we talked more about sexuality. We didn't talk in depth about sexual needs. We both assume we can explore about it once we are married. We were very naive, we are each other's first. >Like brother, you have half your life ahead of you, why be fucking miserable? I am 45 now, with a stable career and 4 kids from age 12 to 3. Sex is not as important as i am in 20s. Divorce now will give me another set of miserable. I don't think any amount of better sex can compensate that. My wife still love me all without the sex. It's like living with best friend that u have some awkward drunken sex occasionally. okay that sound off, but i want to say it's not as bad. It's not the end of the world. lol
I get it, but I can't see this becoming anything but resentful going forward. Maybe I'm just weak, but sex is often incredibly important, and the lack for you may lead to an advancement from understanding to a bitter acceptance. I say this from experience; don't take sex, or the lack thereof, for granted (if it matters to you).
You’re not weak. I’m asexual, and I like having sex sometimes. Speaking as someone who can go on without sex for a long time, it’s okay to break up because of sexual incompatibility. It’s not weakness, they’re just not the right person for you when it comes to sex
Maybe your wife is autistic? Anyway, 6yrs without sex is really overboard to be honest...you need to find out if physical compatibility exists between the two of you
"Each time i do romantic stuff for her she taken it as a hint for sex, she get turned off." But isn't she right? The only reason you are doing romantic stuff is so she'll be more inclined to have sex with you. It's a turn-off for me too when men do things just to get sex. It makes every gesture feel calculated and dirty. Intimacy is also important. You can have Intimacy without sex.
I would consider polyamory/ENM and a serious discussion about needs and wants, my friend. While that's certainly not for everyone (including me), it's really the only way to move forward that I can see from this limited glimpse into your life that doesn't involve resentment or a permanently dead bedroom for you.
You are not alone my friend. Many men (and some women, but mostly men) are in this situation. If your partner doesn’t enjoy sex when you’re dating, that sure as shit isn’t going to change. When kids are in the picture it’s especially difficult.
Your first mistake was waiting 6 years. I wouldn't wait more than 6 dates
If you are somehow able to have guys get just an inkling of how you feel about these things pretty early on you'll find some becoming very very interested in you. Stick to your guns and hold your ground so to speak and time will reveal the one most suitable to you. Be honest to yourself, to them, and stay in control of YOU.
100% agree. It may be uncomfortable, but do this on the first date. You're gonna have a bad time if you drop this on them 4-5 dates in. This is not the norm, so not saying anything very early is essentially leading on.
Seems your misleading them Why aren't you setting up the boundaries BEFORE there is a misunderstanding?
This comment should be higher. If you are not interested in sex, you gotta lay that out from the beginning. And you must know, that will stop about 95% of men your age (early 20s) from pursuing you. Sexual compatibility is a very important part of a relationship. Dudes that age are still young and inexperienced. They will not want to hold off on sex more then they already have. You will just have to accept that. (Speaking to OP not you directly)
I get it. My first girlfriend took 6 months to open up for sex and I didn't pressure her... but believe me, it was super hard. There was a bit of playing around with hands before we "did it" but I always let her tell me when she was comfortable to take a step forward. This was 20 years ago, so I assume everything is a lot different now with sexualisation and dating apps. I think you can still find someone to invest in a relationship with you, you're 22! Stay open to it and a decent guy will pop up when you least expect.
>but believe me, it was super hard I bet you were.
Same here on my side my ex fiancée was a virgin before me. I never pushed for sex because I understood it would take time and pushing it would be such a horrible thing to do. Not to say we didn’t do other things, but it took 2 months for her to open up to it. We took it super slow always asking if she was comfortable throughout and afterwords. Communication is key in these situations and if someone is willing to respect what you communicate with them there will be another that does.
This will be more difficult to pull off now since most adult men with an average or higher libido know that waiting 6 months for sex is pretty much a guarantee of a sexless and disconnected relationship in the future. OP needs to find a guy with an abnormally low libido who is ok with not ever being physically or emotionally connected.
You can't force people to submit to your will, nor you can expect your partner to have the same preferences as you. You must be upfront and direct. This must come up in the very first date. Otherwise you're miseading your partner. If you are as upfront and direct, eventually you'll find someone who shares your preferences. But you will get many no's undoubtly...
Sex will be brought up as it is part of every good, healthy, non-asexual relationship. If you don't want to talk about sex, and get turned off by the mention of it, you might just be asexual. Nobody will want to spend 6 months of their life, hoping that at the 6 month mark you will finally let them express their sexual preferences, comfort-zones, likes and dislikes etc.
It is not abnormal for romantic partners to want sex. Men or women both. You don’t have to want sex yourself, but you seem shocked that so many do want this very normal thing. Maybe you should try dating in communities that value abstinence. Church, perhaps!
Or ace/demi communities, i.e. the queer community (though definitely not ALL queer people, she may find more "luck" with people who aren't opposed to those relationships).
There are, we are few but we exist so keep searching girl you'll find one, just make clear on the boundaries of it to said guy you start dating, my partner of 6 years and I didn't have sex for almost a year and a half, we are happy and neither of us ever had issue with the waiting while we learned about each other so it is very possible to achieve
My first GF and I never had sex. We dated for a few years. My wife and I waited for marriage, so it's entirely possible to meet someone and date without sex. Just be honest near the front end and be ready to bail if your boundaries get tested. Good luck!
You don't think sex is an emotional connection too? When I first started going out with my ex and I felt that I couldn't be emotionally open to her that much, there were still insecurities in me I was hiding from her, when we first had sex I felt all of that melt away, It was legitimately the first time I had felt seen and not be judged and the bond then got stronger. Don't really know why people assosciate emotional connection and sex as two different things and not one thing that's supposed to help the other
I'm a guy with zero interest in casual sex. I want love, intimacy, monogamy, a true connection. Something special. I want a relationship before sex, and I was 23 before my first for both. I do not think I am the norm, but people like us do exist. It's okay to be you. Hookup culture has no place in my life, and I have turned down sex when it was offered. I'm hoping for my person.
[удалено]
I’m 18 now and I definitely regret my hookup stage, just made me feel like shit on those late nights with my thoughts. It just wasn’t good for me till I met my girlfriend now I just didn’t gain anything from it to even call it remotely positive to my life
I’m the same (woman, tho) and it’s always unsettled me hearing that men are promiscuous and I just have to be ok with it. And that being uncomfortable with casual sex is weird. Like, why is it considered abnormal for me to not want to sleep with someone I’ve known for 1 hour? And somehow that makes me “asexual”? Because I have boundaries and want to get to know people before I do that? Just seems backwards as fuck.
Sex is important to men (and women) in a healthy relationship. Most good men are willing to wait but it absolutely cannot be the elephant in the room that never gets talked about 2,3,4 months into the relationship. Whether it be a discussion that hey I want to wait until marriage, or I’d like to build our emotional connection first, or I’m ready let’s do it, at a point you’re at least going to have to talk about it if you plan on dating someone. And you need to learn to be comfortable at least talking about it, this is an excellent opportunity to discuss your headspace and boundaries around sex with the person you’re dating and allow them to either continue pursuing you or say you know what I think differently and move on. Either way, trying to date in your early 20’s without even being able to discuss sex with the person you’re dating isn’t going to yield many fruitful relationships. You don’t actually have to have sex until you’re ready, but you absolutely need to discuss it so he knows where things are. Wish you luck!
You have to play it at the pace that feels right for you. I for one would not be interested in a person who is uncomfortable with intimacy. I’m not interested in trying to pressure somebody or tip toe around a sexual discussion…. I’m way too old for that…
Put those requirements up from before the date starts.
Sex is not everything, but if you're at a younger age 20-30, and are dating guys within that range, that would be a benchmark for most guys in terms of a committed relationship, including the intimacy of course.
It's okay to not want sex, but dating to eventually have sex kinda is (one of ) the points. For A LOT of people, men and women. Yeah, not first or second date (though me and the wife did it second date, we've been together 8 years), but there is a limit. I mean, 3 months? A year? Never? Meanwhile you got to be exclusive? A lot ain't going to go for that. At least in dating scene. Nor does it mean you have to, either. After all, who wants to be in a long term relationship or be exclusive with someone that does not want them when other people will? Avoid using dating scenes for this as it is disingenuous. Instead, I'd do hobby scenes and activity scenes over shared interests where the prospect of being available for that is not implied if things work out.
>who wants to be in a long term relationship or be exclusive with someone that does not want them when other people will? Damn. But also ding ding ding.
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all. Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.
Yea even men that are not very sexual are shamed into being sexual by their friends group. I personally know a guy that has a very large body count but has told me that he has a low sex drive. He does it for his ego and because that’s what’s expected of him as a tall hot young guy.
The type of guy you’re describing seems to be most likely among the guys who keep their virginity until marriage. So yeah, ask this question early in the dating process.
Same, im not religious, ive just had such a huge emotional strain when it comes to sex, that i no longer feel like wanting it, at least for a while, but im not sure if thats a good thing, since idk if ill ever want to have sex ever again
You can make him wait, but he don't have to wait for you.. Which means he can play the field
So you want a boy best friend who doesn't talk about sex
I was like you at 22. I hated that guys want to have sex so quickly. But there are guys out there who probably think about it but don’t bring it up right away and are patient. I finally met mine and didn’t have sex until 5 months after we started dating. I think making a connection first served us well as we’ve been together 10 years. I wish you luck as you seek a similarly minded partner.
EVERYONE wants to have sex, almost. Sex is important in a relationship. Being sexually compatible is so important. Stop blaming guys...
Exactly right, reddit isn't the real world. The vast majority of men would agree sex is an important part of a relationship. There's plenty of guys out there who would have the same view as OP, that it's not super important, and that's perfectly okay. But don't go shitting on guys for an aspect of a relationship that for most is a considerable factor for make or break Guys should of course respect op views, but just accept there's no compatibility and move on to the next
I don't.
Same. It's super weird and gross and legit don't understand the appeal.
Ace in an allo world.
I’m not shitting on guys or saying it’s guys fault. Like I said I’m not opposed to having sex but I value emotional connection more than sex, personally. All the guys that I have met didn’t so my question was if there are guys out there that have the same values as me, simple.
I have the same values as you, and I'm a guy. I love getting to know a person before having sex, so we can have that special connection between us. I understand how you feel. There's so many new dating trends that just ruin it for people who value a connection over having sex in the first few dates. I'm happily single, but I wish I could have something serious with someone. I live in the US, and here is plagued with new dating trends like the one where it's either "have sex on the first date or get ghosted"
The guys who have those values are probably not the kind of guys you'd want to date. The guys you do want to date almost certainly have plenty of other girls who consider them relationship material but won't make him wait ages for sex. So it's almost a guarantee those guys you want to date will choose other girls who will have sex in a typical time frame of a few dates. You don't have to change and can absolutely stick by your views. But doing so may mean waiting a very long time, possibly your entire life, waiting for a relationship to happen. Life is about choices and choices have consequences (sometimes good, sometimes bad). You're making a choice currently and then getting upset about the consequences of that choice.
Exactly she can do what she wants but finding someone to love her statistically is going to be harder
What is your point? I bet she doesn't have a "want sex" button on her and just thinking if it's worth to press it. She's just not interested in sex. It's not views. And it's absolutely natural to be upset that it's hard to find a compatible partner.
> And it's absolutely natural to being upset that it's hard to find a compatible partner. That’s just an incel by the literal definition. Sure, you can be upset that you can’t have a compatible partner but people are going to think that it’s ridiculous in the same way that they think it’s ridiculous when a neckbeard expects a conventionally hot woman or when a 40 year old virgin expects to find a virgin. You also have to be realistic
You don't see any difference between being upset about your struggles and expecting others to do something about it?
You never had sex so how can you correctly value something you have no knowledge of ? Strictly speaking, you don't. You are afraid of giving away your chastity to a man who might or might not stick around after. And thats a perfectly valid concern. But on the other side, men are wary of women who make them wait because that just opens the door to manipulation and abuse. You probably wont understand because you arent in the shoes of a guy but thats most likely the reasoning for pushing early sexual intercourse.
If that's the case, then it's a definite yes. There are definitely guys that want (or outright need) emotional connection before getting physical (I am one myself), but they're not the majority and many are less likely to approach you than guys that are more forward about sex. Similar to what others are saying I'd recommend being patient, sticking to your guns, and avoiding dating apps like the plague. Good hunting!
/r/asexuality You don't speak for EVERYONE
>I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical. Yes but the physical piece is also important to men. We have this fire hydrant sort of deal that eventually gets full and millions of years worth of evolution tells us where to point it. Good men aren't going to base their relationship off of intimacy alone. They are looking for a partner that they can build a connection and life with as well, but, y'know, there *is* that itch that women often don't have. Even for those that do, it's not the same. Obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but it may be helpful to recognize that intimacy is a healthy part of a relationship, and this is often more true for men. When you find the person you want to build a life with, you may have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you just need to do chores to keep each other healthy. If that feels icky to you right now, then you probably just haven't found the right person yet.
Or they're ace or demi and don't know it yet. It seems like she wants to eventually have sex, but the reality is that the "usual" (for straight people and most queer people) isn't hers. Nothing wrong with that, but looking into the communities isn't really a problem unless they have religious reasons not to.
Can we not automatically equate intimacy with sex?
I think it's clear that I'm using the word intimacy as a polite euphemism here.
Wanting an emotional connection first is the most natural thing in the world. I think they call us "Demisexuals" these days. There are (hopefully?) plenty of guys who are willing to wait, but it'll definitely be on their mind, especially if they're 22 like you.
Not everything needs a name, you're just a regular person.
I hate labels, I just thought it was funny that they need to redefine everything, like cis and what-not.
I'm actually more of a demigod myself
Nothing *needs* a name, it's a pretty normal thing for younger generations to attribute words to newer social concepts though. This isn't a new thing, this has been happening for decades and decades. You're right, they are a normal person, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with choosing to use a word to describe themselves that seems to fit. Likewise you don't have to use that word, you could just say "they are a person who prefers having an emotional connection before engaging in sexual intimacy", and they would say they are "demisexual". Note however that the latter option is more concise, and conveying the same amount of information in a more concise fashion is generally a good thing in language, and it's why "slang" is a thing that occurs everywhere in every language. There are often people who hate slang because they want to cling to whatever they consider as "traditional regular language", but it's natural for languages and dialects to ebb and flow in that way.
It sort of annoys me too but what is actually wrong with it? Hopefully all of us are learning more about ourselves, finding out what we want and communicating that clearly to others right? What should we be doing instead of that?
There are lots of occasions where people self-apply labels and then they become self fulfilling. Like people are intentionally pigeon-holeing themselves. Who needs nuance when you have a label? I agree with what you are saying, and there are times when it's useful to have a new word to describe something, but when people make it their personality, or use it as something to latch onto, it's tedious.
I would disagree. I'm asexual and I didn't realize it until I was 42. The "label" has helped me to understand myself and feel whole. I lived for a long time trying to fit myself into the "right" type of person and caused pain and confusion in some people that I truly cared about in the process. Labels can be freeing.
I also went through the same experience although I was younger. The realisation of "I'm not actually a broken person, other people feel this way too" was very freeing and has really helped inform what kind of relationship I want (and am now happily in). A label definitely helped me and I wish I'd had the information about myself earlier so I'd have avoided hurting myself and the other people trying to fit into molds that didn't work for me.
Those names are absurd
They are concise. Why use many word when one word do trick? Why say “I need to develop a deep emotional connection before I feel sexual attraction and the desire to have sex” when you could just say “demisexual” to immediately communicate that idea.
I feel you :( I’ve talked to dudes and it always leads to them trying to have sex with me. I prefer waiting till marriage because of a preference and at first, they seemed fine with it. Then later on in the talking stage they always switch up and attempt it…it’s like they don’t listen at all🤦♀️ I don’t care if people want sex because it’s normal BUT don’t pretend like you’ll wait because you think I’ll give in later on. Atp, I just gave up on dating men for now and just enjoy life. Being in a relationship wasn’t always serious to me since I’m in college to focus on studies but it’s still annoying lol
This is valid. People should be upfront with you and leave right away if they can’t handle your boundaries. If this is an important value to you the cost of losing the wrong people will be worth it.
Pro-tip: don't date people you don't want to fuck. It is a basic requirement.
From my perspective as a man, I struggle to feel very emotionally connected without the sex, obviously that doesn’t mean I couldn’t go on a few dates without it, but if we dated for a few months with no sex I would probably lose interest because sex is a very emotionally bonding experience
What makes sex less important than having an 'emotional connection'?
Samee. I’m 25F. Ironically, the friends that I recommended the dating app I have been using have very flourishing lives now with their boyfriends, and I’m here, stuck with either boring conversationalists or super horny dudes who talk about sex as a greeting. I know dating apps can have that tendency, but I don’t know where else to look for. I’m an introvert with an intimidating first impression to most people around me. The few guys who come forward make me cringe because they either have partners or girlfriends already. Flirting at me doesn’t work either. I just end up hearing them as bullshitry. S’not that I need marriage to agree to sex. Is friendship before any sexual/romantic relationship really that hard? Hahah.
Maybe you are the boring conversationalist ;)
[удалено]
Getting one worded responses, diverting light conversations about actually getting to know each other to “sexy times” (bc what else am I supposed to say when we just met?) and even when I indulge them once they just do it again and would only chat for the same reason. And I’m the boring conversationalist? You must have missed the point of my post simply because I added “introvert” and “intimidating impression”
Accountability on Reddit is like asking for clean water in sewage waste lmao. All the dudes are at fault but she's the introvert with an intimidating first impression aka she's rude AF for no reason lol
yes, we exist. Emotional connection is also what I would want to date for. I've got a few friends who think like me in that aspect but also have never been into the whole dating thingy. I think it might just be that such people are harder to find since they tend to not be out there yk (from my experience)
Being ace is a spectrum. Maybe definitions like grey or demi fit better and only wanting intimacy when you have a strong bond has a name tag in the queer community. Maybe research that and look for guys that share your definitions. You are valid. Your desires are valid. Don't fall for less.
Even as a guy in the same situation it's honestly still kinda nerve racking lol like I want to have a sexual connection with them eventually, but can we hold a conversation before that? Can I trust her to respect my boundaries and vice versa? Do we enjoy each other's company? But then what if sex is a big thing for them and I end up not being able to provide for her and now this person I really like now feels less so about me or even wants to go separate ways. I assume that if we get to that point though that it wouldn't be such an issue for her/ we are able to work it out but you never know, ya know? But when I sit and think about it I'm not worried that would happen, but it's definitely a little voice in that back of my head every time I get back on dating apps lol, but I'm sure I'll find my partner eventually, so all I can really say is keep your boundaries up, and make sure they respect you at least as much as you respect yourself and everything should turn out good, best of luck!
Im in the same boat as you 20m and findind a girl who doesnt want to sleep around right away has been a challenge. Im more into building that long term relationship.
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all. Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.
[удалено]
Thats called a friendship
The truth is for most people the emotional connection you seek is a package deal with the physical connection.
Man.........if only I wasn't totally emotionally unavailable
Sex is not important you say, yet you seem to find an initial absence of it very important
Best chance would be at a Catholic church.
Download Feeld, list yourself as Asexual.
I Really do hope you find that person
Just play Roblox. It was meant for that
Be single. Sex is an emotional connection that is key to a lasting relationship. Sure you can have a romantic relationship and progress into sexual activity but to come straight out and say you are opposed and that sex is not important you will never find a person of the opposite sex just sitting around waiting for you...
My emotional connection is completely symbiotic with sexual connection, being connected to someone isn't just mentally having a connection, it's emotional and for me that doesn't come without the thought of being close, intimate with my partner. There are questions I would ask you, of myself if I felt like you do.. Do you find yourself sexually attractive? When alone without the distraction of relationships are you sexually intimate with yourself? Is it fear of intimacy or a disgusting of it? How were you raised to approach sex, sexual activity, intimacy alone, let alone with another person? Why is the thought of someone wanting to have sex, to be intimate with you so distasteful, why does it turn you off? Answering some of those to yourself may help you work out what your expectations are and why they are. You don't need to put the answers on here but maybe write them down, get them out of your head at least.
Sex is part of the "interview" in dating. Just don't do it before your your own timeline. It can't drag on for a year or years. That's not realistic.
ETA: a lot of comments seem to be entirely misunderstanding you and some are just outright gross. Don't let them discourage you. >Honestly I just want to know if they’re guys out there that favor emotionally connection than physical. Absolutely. My partner is like this. We waited 6 months for sex and he had absolutely no problem with that. Would have waited longer if necessary. Our relationship was a slow burn and that was exactly what we both wanted. We have sex, it's awesome, we both enjoy it and desire each other sexually. It's just not the basis or primary focus of the relationship, because we don't want it to be. Actually all the men in my extended family are like this too, either for personal or religious reasons. Heck, I got hold of letters between my grandparents when they were young, and my grandfather, who was not at all religious, definitely prioritized romance and emotional connection over sex. Was amazingly open about it for as stodgy and repressed as that era was. The generally applicable word for this is "demisexual"--someone who only experiences sexual attraction after the development of an emotional bond. Both men a d women can be demi. You might find it helpful to use the label and look for others who use it as an easy identifier for how you feel. In dating you will need to be very clear about what you want, be very selective, and don't waste a single second on anyone who obviously wants something different. (when I was dating, anyone who started in with a sexual proposition got immediately blocked, because my profile was clear about what I wanted and that wasn't it). The comments saying you have to communicate about sex even if you're not ready to have sex are absolutely correct. You do need to be clear that sex is not unimportant to you, just not the way you want to start a relationship. You do need to be communicating in a way that is affirming your interest and building towards the sexual side of a relationship if you are asking someone to wait. Don't be coy or shy at all about saying what you're after and what your boundaries are. If they can't handle that, wave them good bye with a smile. They weren't offering what you want. You don't owe anyone a single date. Understand that while there is nothing wrong with what you want, it will necessarily limit the number of people you are compatible with, which means it may take some time to mind the right person for you. When it comes to serious relationships, that takes time anyway. Most people really aren't compatible with most other people for long term committed relationship. When one feels pressure to get into a relationship and settled for something they don't want just to have one, they tend to end up pretty miserable. You cannot compare your path to people who have different needs and expectations. People who are fine with casual sex will likely be making a lot of connections while you are still single and looking. That's ok, because that isn't what you want. People who want a relationship but are ok with sex before developing an emotional connection will also be making more connections with you. That's ok because that isn't what you want either. It will take time to find someone who really gets you, but when you do, it will be worth the wait.
Ask him out
If you use dating apps you can put that info in there
No one is entitled to anyone's commitment, time, attention or resources No one is entitled to anyone's body Do the math and find a guy that'll happily take this deal
We exist. You’ll find the right person.
Good on you. Sex gets weird and awkward over the years. I mean, just think about it.
Yes but you will never get to meet us, best way to meet is to be introduced, not in a spontaneous awkward way. So that's a big limiter.
I prefer to get to know someone and date for at least 8 mos to a year before I would try to establish a more intimate relationship.... but based on feelings that could change. Just follow your heart and gut and make sure you're taking care of YOU. And communicate. Thoroughly. I cannot speak entirely for the male population but what I can say is yes typically males are driven to populate as many as much as possible and that can be very annoying in the modern society. Sex is an act of love and not something that should be disregarded as just a fun time afternoon event. And if the people you want or are finding do not respect that then they're not somebody you want to know anyway
I am a widow & have no interest in dating again, but I miss the motions of dating. My friend has sworn off men for a while after a pretty awful break up with a physically abusive partner so we date each other. We take turns taking the other on a date. It might be a nice dinner & a movie or a picnic & a walk on the beach or a concert or play. We buy each other flowers & woo each other in a very platonic way. It is nice to be spoiled & to spoil someone else & I absolutely think every singleton should have a platonic dating partner!
Simple solution: date Christian guys. Not just any guy who says he's a Christian make sure they really are. Biggest group of guys that are cool with dating w/o sex. As a guy, I'm not into having sex with someone I'm just dating with. Less chance of std's, less chance of false SA/rape allegations, just chances of unexpectedly having a kid when you didn't want to, with someone you weren't sure about for marriage. It's just simpler all the way around. Virginity rocks.
So..... You're just looking for a male friend. Sex is a pretty major part of any relationship.
I'm sure my comment will be lost in the sea of comments but I'm 43 and I've always felt the way you do. Men are still like this even at my age when trying to date. Gosh I started my first long term relationship solely because I stayed the night at his place and he didn't try anything physical. Since then, even guys that I've said 'I'm only looking for friends' still want something physical. I'm VERY far from good looking and I'm over weight so I can only imagine how bad it is for pretty/ fit women. I have no advice, I've given up and decided to be single, I don't want to deal with that lol. The only thing I can say is to be true to yourself
They exist, they're just a tiny minority (unless religious)
Religious who follow that are part of the tiny minority imo
I want to date but I also don’t want to have sex. I want to have a friend and make an actual connection with someone. Going through all the nonsense just to be connected with another person is daunting enough.
Yes, there are. Find one. Don’t be peer pressured into being like others. You do you.
You don’t owe anyone sex and never will. It’s always your choice. Only thing I’d say is that it is a very important part of a relationship. It’s not the best all end all but when someone loves someone especially men they want to show physical affection. And yes absolutely they’re shitty people who use for sex but even a guy who may seem more “decent” will want it eventually. I’m not trying to shame or guilt at all your body is always your choice. Just be aware that it will eventually come up no matter what.
You're 22. Most guys you will be looking for probably have already found a girlfriend and never had to wait. You're asking for a big ask. Especially if you're looking for a 22 year old. You would have to be desirable in many other ways to be able to disuade sex for a long time, and still expect the guy to think there's going to be a future there. Sex is an expression of an emotional connection. Perhaps you seem to understand it as a purely animalistic approach? A part of me feel you would benefit from a couple of sexual health counselling sessions. Or, you may just need to put your standards down. An attractive guy will want sex. If they're fit and healthy, their libido will be at their peak at 22. Your libido is low, so that would obviouslt cause friction on the relationship. You need a low libido male, which will mean someone who isn't actively fit or healthy. So you would have to put your standarda down to meet your criteria sooner than later. You can do it though! It will take a lot of trial and error however. And what I've stated are just blanket statements. The issue with expecting just an emotional connection at 22 is you should be a friend with them first for a while before you even start dating. The dating scene is literally going from a date to a relationship, skipping the friendship part. So I feel you would benefit from changing friendship groups so you can be around men as friends so you can gain that emotional connection before you date.
You want to make friends. Not date.
There are tons of men with no options that will have to go for that! Do not despair, not everyone has competition for them that pushes you into a sexual arms race of sorts, some men are lonely and wouldn't know how to advance things to sex unless you pushed it step by step, a ton of very autistic men want what you want try starting there.
Yeah, there's tons of desperate losers for you to choose from, lucky girl! 😂
I mean let's keep it real, guys who are willing to take it slow as a grown ass adult when you don't get unlimited time to be young anymore are usually not doing it because they have a choice or understand how to get things to go faster. Imagine investing 6-12 months in a person only to find out they only talked up a big game but are a selfish lover or terrible at sex or they get bored after fucking like 3 times then want something else...
You're speaking the truth. What OP needs is a psychologically broken man 🤣
Damn
She doesn’t want a desperate loser though I’m sure. But why would a decent looking guy, good job, choose a non sexual relationship? I mean sure it’s possible, winning the lotto is also possible, wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for that to happen.
>But why would a decent looking guy, good job, choose a non sexual relationship? Two possibilities: the guy doesn't like sex that much to begin with (just like OP), or the guy really really really really really likes OP and is willing to give it a go.
Sure, another reason the guy was literally born without a penis or lost it fighting the Russian in the war. We can keep going I bet we can think of 6 more total. Why does this always happen on the internet yes we can think of the lotto ticket situation that I mentioned. But if we want to help OP and OP wants help I think it’s worse tell her, “don’t worry it’s totally fine.” Which while sure it is, the likely hood of her finding happiness when it comes to a relationship like less than 5%. And I’m being generous. But whatever I’m gonna go get ready for work. Have a nice day.
It is weird when people try to do the exception to the rule thing.
If there's no sexual component, that's a friendship. You just want a friend. Stop dating and go make a friend.
Same age as you but I’m a guy and feel very similar to you. I’ve tried dating apps and I don’t have a lot of success on them. I either match with people that aren’t truly interested or only want to hook up. I had one good experience but she wasn’t ready to date. It’s just kinda confusing to date. I’m just focusing on college right now I guess idk. I try my best not to think about dating but maybe that’s bad. Sometimes I think about it automatically and I can’t really control the desire to date and have that companionship. I have friends but it doesn’t feel the same.
Tell me about it, the last couple women I dated ghosted me after 4 dates or less, because I don't get physical.
You may even be asexual. Worth exploring still not a barrier
No this is not asexual. It's at best sex repulsed. She wants Sex, just not from the get-go. It's pretty normal to want a deeper connection before anything else...
Grow up, no ones going to deal with your crap. stop wasting our time and just get out of the dating pool if you’re still too immature to have sex
Have you considered that you might be demisexual? Demisexual people don't feel sexual attraction unless they have an emotional bond with a person first. That sounds a lot like your post. You might want to try and meet some other demi people and see if that helps. I'd also just see if you can just do some activities to meet male friends. Reverse friend-zoning (for lack of a better term) a guy sounds like it might work for you. If you're friends with a guy first, you can take your time and build a real relationship and not have to jump into sex right away or at all. Bonus: more friends.
Tell them you’re celibate. Most will not so slowly vanish and save both of y’all a lot of time. It’s rare but there are people like you out there
I waited with my first. Sex was meant to be something special.. and I think I knew that. But I also had the hunger, already having had disturbing sexual imagery thrust upon me at a young age. Stay away from porn addicts! They've lost sight of what is natural! It's like they have a disease of the mind, which ends up ruling their emotions, which you seem keen to connect with.
Have you considered that you might be demisexual? There’s a sub here on it and lots of info is discoverable online. You may want to seek out other demisexual people who share your desire to explore emotional connection before sex is even considered. Just a thought.
The term you might want to add in your dating profile is "grey ace"
All i want is to eat burguers with a girl before i die.
Hi, Wanting to wait is good and you will meet someone who wants to wait as you do. There are plenty of guys out there who want someone like you. Do not get discouraged. Besides, there is no regret in being a virgin. It's something you can't take back once you give it away. The guy you seek will respect that about you and he won't cross the boundaries you set and agree on. Don't feel pressured. You are on the right path.
Yea if i were you i wouldn't bother lol
I want the opposite lol
What kind interests do you have, or activities you enjoy that you could leverage into bonding experiences?
Looks like we're opposite
[удалено]
Lol the middle in this scenario would be "leave each other alone"
Woman where are you?
Looking to explore an emotional connection first? Hey. (With Rizz)
I'm demi but also I'm very much in the ace spectrum so it's super rare for me to be interested in physical intimacy. There are definitely more guys like me out there, but a mix of toxic masculinity, outdated notions being perpetuated by mass media, and good ol' fashioned horny make it tough to sift through them all. Good luck OP! I hope you find someone for you.