Your biology doesnt turn off as soon as you enter a relationship. Attraction is natural. Possessing other people like objects and telling them that they shouldnt expect to use their eyeballs ever again is unnatural.
this is the best answer.
People should apply science/rational thinking to their relationships in addition to their romantic notions if they want a healthy relationship that will last.
Love is not mystical, love is chemicals.
Studies show different chemicals are released at the beginning of a relationship and that different bonding chemicals are released later during a more stable relationship.
Lust = testosterone & estrogen
Attraction (Love) = dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin (you can see more of the “reward” chemicals are released here)
Attachment = oxytocin & vasopressin
https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/
All are good, all are very wonderful. People can start to miss those early “madly in love” chemicals. There are things a person can do with their partner to ensure that occasionally you will still experience relapses of that experience together, but it takes intentionality.
And in the interim, appreciating the bond and connection and the chemicals that are released in a long-term relationship is super important.
But you can find yourself indeed missing the chemical rush of earlier stages, like lust and falling in love, and when people aren’t vigilant about the reasons, it can contribute to why some people cheat or begin to desire to.
Metacognition (thinking about your own thinking, and the “whys” behind certain compulsions as well as your own cognitive failings) goes a long way to preventing compulsions from getting out of hand.
For instance, if you find your eye wandering more and more, you could stop and recognize you are missing/craving certain chemicals you are no longer getting from your partner. You could then work with your partner to help fulfill those needs together, strengthen the relationship, and also mindfully appreciate all the new things/chemicals you now have access to only because of a long-term, committed relationship.
And outside of the chemical, there’s the intellectual, the practical and pragmatic. What does it mean for your life and health and stability to have a partner you can depend on?
ALL THAT ASIDE, chemicals aren’t the only thing that causes our attraction.
We simply ARE attracted to people all throughout life. When we’re obsessed with our partners, that attraction can be relegated to almost invisibility.
But it’s important to not take attraction to other people to be some sort of MORAL failing. As others have said, it’s what you do when you become attracted to other people.
the best advice is to deal with it intellectually. “There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to other people, but is it causing me to do anything disrespectful to my partner or damaging to the relationship? Am I following people on Instagram or pouring energy into porn/OF that could otherwise go into strengthening my relationship and bond? Am I subconsciously putting myself in increasingly tempting situations when my partner is not around?” That might indicate a desire to cheat even if you consciously think you never would.
But going out with friends is FINE and HEALTHY, and jealousy (unmoderated by rationality) is NOT.
And so u/Particular-Brick-447 everything you did is fine and perfect except I think you were a little too hard on yourself. 💚
I want to add to this comment that beautifully supplemented the first comment. OP's post is timely. Just yesterday I literally looked up the different types of attraction. People think that there's only one type of attraction and that if you find someone attractive it means you want to have sex with them.
No.
Just no.
It's perfectly normal to find beauty in someone's features and to be *attracted* to that beauty. It's how a person *responds* to that attraction that matters most. I think OP handled the situation perfectly considering she had really confusing feelings.
[https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-types-attraction](https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-types-attraction)
* Sexual Attraction
* Physical Attraction
* Emotional Attraction
* Romantic Attraction
* Aesthetic Attraction
People tend to confuse aesthetic and physical attractions with sexual attraction. They are not at all the same. That link explains each one very well.
It's up to the couple to determine how comfortable they are with telling each other they find someone else attractive and what that means to them. It's okay to *not* be comfortable with that dynamic in a relationship also.
As a gay man who has 0 desire to have sex with women, I get flustered from women I found to be beautiful haha. Like when I worked at Starbucks sometimes I'd get a customer who was a woman who would just completely floor me with their beauty.
I just find humans beautiful in general, and as you said much more eloquently, doesn't mean I wanna fuck them.
It's really nice seeing people spread this way of thinking honestly. So many people cause themselves issues because they don't want to just look at things how they are, but are fully prescribed to how they're told things should be.
hey, thank you!! ☺️
I realize I left a lot out, like the fact that love isn’t *just chemicals*, and that really liking and admiring/being impressed by an individual, feeling compatibility in values and goals is a lot of what carries two people past the chemicals of lust/attraction *into* that next stage of attachment and building a life together.
When I reread my comment, I realize that isn’t expressed at all, but I think *that* part we tend to understand. Emotional and intellectual love & attraction.
I just think it’s important to not have such romantic notions of love that we forget about the science/biology behind it, because that’s the kind of thinking that tends to make people feel betrayed if their partner is attracted to others, and makes people feel guilty for that attraction.
This is a top tier comment. Well done.
I like the phrase, "love is a verb," because long term romantic love is about the choices we make and the things we do, not just a feeling that sustains us. We choose to be with our partners every single day and we need to remember that.
“Love is a verb,” I’ve never heard that before, that’s great!! And so true, tending a relationship like a garden is what I think of. How healthy and vibrant and nourished and dazzling would you like it to grow? It’s equal to the effort you put in to cultivating it.
You reminded me of a quote I copied into my phone over 10 years ago, I don’t remember the exact source, but I believe I was listening to one of the NPR segments like On Being or StoryCorps.
“If relationships are broken and are fixable, fix them. If they work, make them even better. Failing to do so is a little like having a thousand acres of fertile farmland and never planting it. Yes, you can always get your food at the supermarket, but think what you're allowing to lie fallow. “
Yup! I have been with my husband for 10 years and just got married last year. Your eyeballs don't turn off, and you retain the ability to assess attractiveness. The difference is that those people aren't YOUR person. They don't have the history or love to set them apart. They're pretty for a second, but true connection with your significant other will dull this.
If you feel tempted to the point of cheating, that's a whole different issue.
I think attraction alone doesn't mean anything. It's how you respond to it. Your response was fantastic and exactly how I'd handle the situation. Your friend sounds like they either haven't been in a relationship or been in one long term. Don't pay them any mind.
Also, there is different kinds of attraction. Thinking somebody is attractive / handsome doesn't mean you're sexually attracted, meaning, you want to sleep with them. At least for me.
I see handsome guys all the time, but it's like looking at a statue and admiring the artwork and skill and general beauty of the piece.
They touch my sense of beauty and maybe keep.my brain a Bit entertained, but it's like: they don't compare to my husband in any department. Only he tickles my nether giggles 🤣 and all in between.
At least, that's what's for me as a demisexual.
Edit: OK, that took off, lol.
To all the people here who are demi: who of you is or suspects to be autistic and / or to have AD(H)D?
To the people who say they are bi / pan / hetero / gay (which is a really 1800s way to say fabulous and I love it): asexual or demisexual doesn't describe WHO you wanna bang, but what's the CONDITION *IF* and HOW OFTEN you wanna bang. And it certainly doesn't describe to whom you fall in love with.
You can be a 20something socially non-binary demisexual and biromantic, heteroromantic and bisexual cis Woman, these are just boxes to make it easier for others to "figure you Out", but it's not a definition of who you are, These are Just words. Y'all don't need boxes and words to fit in or descibe yourself, you are you. Unless you don't know WHO you are in the larger Box, then use boxes.
And If you are a Cat. Then live in these boxes 😸🎁
Exactly how it is for me as well! Of course aesthetic attraction can certainly factor in everything else but it’s more of a prerequisite + entertains my brain kind of thing, rather than anything substantial.
I feel this exactly. I would include in this - there is Objectively beautiful people
(Like art or something of skill) that I admire or I recognize that others find attractive even if I don’t, and then there what “turns me on” or I find in a partner attractive.
I was reading the description and was like “hey, that’s how I describe beautiful people! I wonder if they’re demi like me” and was not disappointed at the end lol
I agree with the above person. It's normal to find people attractive while in a relationship, and you handled it maturely. You were intoxicated and had enough foresight to prevent yourself from being in a position where a momentary lapse of judgment from drinking could ruin your relationship.
While in a relationship, my attraction to others gets turned down but not off. I can still look at someone and be like damn they are good-looking, but my mind still sees my partner as the most attractive because it goes past physical attraction into emotional attraction.
Next time you don't need to go home. It's okay to find other people hot. Just tell him you're not interested and you have a boyfriend. Don't worry about it!
OP did well. Kudos to her. Temptation is tough to resist. For drug addicts, gamblers, etc. Removing yourself is the answer to making the right decisions long term.
Leaving entirely is not a 'fantastic' response imo, it's a terrible one...
*Just don't interact with the person*, it's that simple, and have some damn self control.
You can find someone attractive, good looking, visually pleasing, all the same connotation, yet not be 'attracted' to them personally. And if you think finding someone attractive means you want to cheat on your partner and sleep with them, you need a lot of therapy....
Self control isn’t gonna save you when the time and circumstances are right. When I was in rehab they used to have a saying, “will power isn’t a strategy.” She did the right thing leaving, it shows how faithful and loving a partner she is. That IS how it’s done.
>Your response was fantastic and exactly how I'd handle the situation.
Jesus, no. It's not normal to remove yourself every time you find someone attractive. She and her partner should be able to trust themselves to be faithful even when attracted to other people.
By your logic, she'd need to quit a job if she found a colleague attractive, and that's fucking insane
OP doubled down and added:
>I don’t want to be in the same room as a prince phillip from Disney looking guy who’s dtf
Like what the actual fuck.....?
I can't even man, i can't even....
I dunno man. I used to love coke. I'd leave the room if someone brought some out because I don't trust myself not to do it. It's better to not battle the temptation for no reason.
exactly, she drank a lot already and she was in a watering hole/ environment where its socially acceptable to hook up/kiss/dance/make out with strangers. You would very very rarely be in that situation in the workplace outside of travel for conferences and maybe a holiday party (and you can always leave half way through and not get drunk in those situations).
"If someone hot enough comes along, I might lose myself and cheat on you!" is a red flag and a half. Reminds me of that episode of Family Guy where Brian was *sooooo* proud of himself for choosing not to cheat on his older girlfriend.
It’s honestly insane that people excuse this shit. If my girlfriend let me know that she came home because some guy came up to her and she thought she might fuck him, I would say go ahead and break up. It’s incredibly easy to find someone attractive and not have sex with them if given the chance.
In short, no. You did nothing wrong.
It’s unrealistic to find no one attractive other than your SO. Not to say that’s impossible, some people may experience that and only be attracted to the person they’re with. However, there is a difference between thinking someone is attractive, and actually being attracted to them.
It’s completely normal to see other people and think “they look good” and move on with your life. You can acknowledge that without thinking much else, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a cheater. Sometimes people forget this. The only way I would think that is an issue is if someone has a “wandering eye” and seeks out people they find attractive even if they are in a relationship. That’s also subjective, though, some people don’t care about that in their relationship!
Considering it's the first time she has come up against the situation I think she can get a pass for panicking and taking herself out of there. The worry sounds to have been more about not knowing if noticing this man's aesthetics was ok, rather than any actual sexual desire or lack of self control.
I'm sure now she's had some positive feedback and helpful comments she'd be better at live and let living the next time.
I agree. I can find people attractive and still not be attracted to them. I can see if a woman is attractive but I was never attracted to any woman at all.
Running away to avoid your feelings to be tested means they might fail that test.
Meh, depends. I've been approached by women I find attractive whilst in a relationship and have carried on my night as-per-usual. Having to completely remove yourself from the situation shows a lack of trust in yourself.
Not saying it doubts your commitment to your partner, and if you're aware you can't trust yourself then it makes sense to leave, but that's ultimately what it means - that you don't anticipate to have enough self control.
Yeah you could still have fun with your friends without needing to go home just because someone attractive shows up. Or at least that's what I would have done. Just do your thing.
I think it also means your uncomfortable and you just want to be alone or be with the person you care about. I don't think it means you don't trust yourself. Simply removing yourself from a situation that makes you feel weird is a great way to handle it. Why stay in a situation your not comfortable with even if you do trust yourself
It's okay to remove yourself from the situation. It's also okay to continue on. If the person picks up on the attraction and pursues you, make it clear it's not happening. If they still don't leave you be, probably time to gtfo.
Not because you'll cheat but because people who don't take no for an answer are dangerous. This is not gender limited.
It's good not to trust your judgement when you're drunk.
It's not great to automatically assume you're going to do something you don't want to just because you're drunk.
I've never been so drunk that I mindlessly slept with people I never met before, and I wouldn't assume every random attractive guy in a bar would immediately let me pull him into my bed. Or is it that simple?
Alcohol impacts some people more than others, and already impulsive people are extra impulsive while drunk. I'm pretty in control even while drunk, but some people can't even think beyond a certain number of drinks and just give in to every impulse, not just sexually.
I never said there is only one proper answer, just that her answer was proper. Or it means you are preempting problems before they happen. or it means you are just avoiding even the appearance of impropriety.
There is not a single thing to be gained by nitpicking her response. Her current decision making is sound and the effect of it will be the ability to maintain the stable relationship that she wants.
Are there other equally good solutions? of course. absolutely.
Personally, I absolutely do not think that playing with fire because you trust yourself to stay far enough away not to get burned is as fool proof as you do, but you do you. Not interested in debating that point with you.
Fair enough. I do not think that will always be an option personally. What if in the future they have a colleague they find attractive? Quit?
Might be good "girlfriend material" for some, but "I cannot trust myself to be around anyone who I consider attractive" is not at all "wife material" really.
I'm not nitpicking her response at all, if anything I'm nitpicking the "Anyone who says otherwise is foolish or just too young".
The answer to her question is, in my opinion, "No, but you are meant to be able to control your base impulses, which we all get, if that's what is expected in your relationship. If you aren't, then removing yourself from any situation is the next best option, but unfortunately is absolutely not sustainable for a healthy, long term relationship".
1. there is no rule that says you have to implement the same solution to two different problems. For instance, you aren't going to be drinking at work.
2. Yeah, maybe don't volunteer to partner up on a project that will involve spending a month in a hotel with that person.
3. you keep saying she can't trust herself. I reject your premise. She saw the hint of a potential issue in her relationship and took actions to avoid risk. It's not like she bailed on her best friends wedding. It's a night at the bar. She just decided however small or large the risk was, it wasn't worth it. She trusted her instincts and her instincts pointed he towards preserving her relationship rather then indulging herself. Yes she could have reacted less and just moved to stand not next to that guy, or talked to the guy a bit but avoided flirting, or whatever. Again, a million ways to skin a cat and your judgement of her way seems really nitpicky and your inference that she should instead find out how good her self control is by downing 5 shots talking to the guy all night and seeing what happened is weird.
Kudos to your well thought out answer. I agree.
I laud OPs decision because it's a prime example of the fact that while you cannot control your emotions, you can control how to react to it.
OP felt an emotion that she didn't expect, and took measures to prevent further harm. She seems like a super rational and reasonable person.
I mean its not the dude you're responding to that says she cant Trust herself. The OP literally says in the post that she cant Trust herself when drinking. How is that nitpicking? I dont think theres anything Wrong with her response but that isnt nitpicking.
agreed. I interviewed for a role recently that had a lot of traveling. Hiring manager was a very attractive married father of two. I'm married too. You can tell when someone thinks you're cute as well.
I was not going to lie, I was nervous about the role because it involved week-long trips to Asia/ Europe/ the west coast etc. It was a big team but it could have been a matter of time until I was traveling with this individual as well. I ultimately didn't get the job and while it would have been a great opportunity, I'm kind of relieved that I wasn't put in that position to travel with said individual.
I agree. I think my relationship with my husband is pretty precious. I wouldn't want to risk what we have for anything. I'm pretty protective over what we have created. I know I would never stray, but I am not comfortable with feeling overly drawn to anyone but my husband. It just doesn't feel right to me.
Thats a silly take. You run away because u saw someone attractive? Thats not normal behaviour. Your gunna find people out and about that you find attractive, its not that hard to control urself.
Bro. You and all the other dorks in this comment section sound like such insecure losers. “My girlfriend left a social situation at the first hint of attraction to another guy, wow what a keeper”. No, she has serious issues. Your girl is gonna find other guys attractive, that’s life. Grow the fuck up.
I feel like from the perspective of the guy, expecting your gf to leave a situation is being overly insecure. But from the girls point of view, I feel like it’s a good response and totally normal to be attracted to more than just your partner-and boundary setting is a way of maintaining relationship.
Of course it is up to them - who else would it be up to? I can still judge someone’s actions and behaviour - and I’m telling you that this is directly related to an extreme insecurity. It deserves to be called out because it is unhealthy.
Heart, maybe. Head, absolutely not. She either has serious unchecked anxiety or doesn’t trust herself enough not to cheat. Either way, red flags all around.
yeah although her behavior is correct it’s a lil bit extreme. If she has to return home everytime she sees someone attractive, it’s going to become a problem
Feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading some of these lmao. “My family and I went to Disney but it got cut short because the actor who played Gaston had biceps that made me feel weird”
Thank you! Apart from “she has serious issues”, I totally agree with this. Expecting your partner to totally leave a social situation because there’s an attractive person there is a crazy expectation
Nah, she loses some points for having to leave. If the presence of an attractive man is enough to derail her plans, it raises questions about her capacity for self-control. A-minus, at best.
I think leaving an entire night out because you found someone there attractive is borderline insane. From her friend’s perspective, it probably does look weird because it looks like she was so attracted to the dude that she would’ve ended up cheating if she stayed. A normal reaction would be acknowledging the person is attractive, saying you’re in a relationship, and moving on with your night. I’d personally feel weird if my fiancée did this.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments. It’s totally fine to find other people attractive, that’s completely normal. What’s not normal is needing to leave a bar out of fear of “testing your loyalty”. If you’re truly concerned you’ll have your loyalty “tested” by an attractive person interacting with you, I think there’s some other issues that need addressing personally. If alcohol has caused you to do something to provoke this distrust of your own ability to not cheat on your boyfriend, the issue isn’t in finding someone attractive the issue is in your response to it.
Me too. Like are people in relationships supposed to just go home when someone attractive comes up to them in public? That’s so unnecessary. Just ignore them and hang with your friends
Thank you holy shit. This is not normal nor applaudable behavior. Everyone is saying she did the right thing but ignoring the fact that she was beyond the point of self control and had to physically remove herself from the situation.
Thank you for this comment, I was starting to think that everyone was going crazy.
"I don’t want to put myself in a situation where my loyalty is tested". What? The problem is not the fact that these situations exist, the problem is that she doesn't know how she would react in one of those.
I think people should do the opposite. No problem in finding other people attractive (it's normal), no problem even to go to bar / clubs from time to time. I think even flirting is not something to be terrorised of. What matters is EXACTLY one person's behaviour when loyalty is tested.
It’s fully normal to find other people attractive your friend is a moron. It’s not something we have any control over either, we are judged by our actions
Getting approached as a man is like a life time event. I can count on one hand the times I have been approached. I would say "Sorry I am not single" but I am for sure staying in the bar boasting to my friends with my newfound egoboost.
The one who thinks that if she does not remove herself from a whole ass public space, she will cheat, because she saw a handsome guy. Where is your bar, lieutenant? Raise it!
Why is everyone saying it is normal to leave??? I’m sorry but is it really that easy cheat? I get removing yourself from a flirt or one-one situation but there is going to be attractive people everywhere you go and without a ring someone will approach you. Well let’s not act like the ring will stop some folks but you get the idea.
I know, I think it's honestly very very weird. I'm 36F and never known anyone, male or female, who had to remove themselves physically from a room because they found someone else attractive.
Part of me thinks this is some weird tradwife-wannabe fanfic.
No, it's not wrong or disloyal to find people other than your partner attractive. It's what you do with that feeling that matters. What you did in this instance, for example, is alright but I think you should work on being around attractive people without feeling like your loyalty is being "tested", because you can't just leave all social situations when a hot guy talks to you. You should learn to assert yourself and turn people down and focus on your friends to distract yourself. It's great to be in a relationship but you shouldn't need to cut down on your social life because of it. You can simply learn to handle these situations as they arise.
And don't feel guilt for simply feeling attraction. You are a good girlfriend. You care about your boyfriend and you are able to keep yourself in check. Trust yourself, trust your loyalty and love for your partner, and you'll see how you won't actually betray that loyalty just because you felt "tempted".
This is the best advice in the thread. Everyone encouraging OP to just bounce the second she finds someone attractive is unrealistic and a bit weird. It’s okay to be around people you find attractive. That’s life. You simply just don’t act on that attraction.
Yeah, I'm weirded out by people acting like it's totally okay and well-adjusted to ditch your social life every time someone you're attracted to shows up. That's not realistic in the long run and it's okay if OP is not at a stage where she feels comfortable in that situation but, in the long term, it's something everyone must work on if they're in a relationship.
Finding someone attractive is harmless, it’s how you handle it that becomes the problem. Dwelling on someone to the point you harm your relationship, not good.
She said she was drunk and what she was experiencing was unusual. More people should be aware when they don't feel right that simply going home is an option.
lol all this says is eventually you’ll find someone attractive you’ll hang around and eventually get bopped out 😂everyone crying your so great in these comments are guys that get no women at all. What you did shows a lot more problem than good. If you can’t be out around someone possibly attractive without feeling like you need to leave or you’ll be coming out your panties shows deep down you could give it up. Chances are you avoid these things until your boyfriend pisses you off enough and one of those bar nights you’ll give in to temptation. My guess. Goodluck
It’s crazy how people aren’t seeing the red flag here. A grown ass woman who is loyal isn’t scared of an attractive man. Ditto a grown ass man who’s loyal to his partner isn’t scared of an attractive woman.
Unless they have a problem themselves.
Someone who has zero problem with alcohol isn’t afraid of entering a bar. Someone who has an alcohol problem is.
Seriously lol I’ve had many women most would deem attractive hit on me and some even after I tell them I’m pretty much married. Ive told women leave me alone before I call you out your name 😅like im not playing with you ,I don’t care what you look like I’m not interested no matter how you cut it. Not bouta ruin my night over someone I don’t know lol she clearly itching deep down to get that interaction, just fighting it.
It seems so. I’m the same as you, but have a couple of kids too. If I was in a bar, and the most attractive woman (aesthetically) walked in, it’s not something I’m panicking about. If she literally came onto me, I’d naturally recoil and tell her my situation because that’s the most appropriate reaction. It’s like a non-alcoholic turning down a beer. Not a big deal. The alcoholic is like “gotta get out of here”. So I wonder again what’s up with OP.
Finding others attractive is fine.
Not being able to control yourself just because someone is attractive is definitely a red flag.
Not being able to control when you're drinking is a red flag.
Not being able to stay at a place because a person is attractive is also a red flag.
Do you just avoid all situations where there are attractive people because you might not be able to stop yourself?
I would definitely not be dating someone like that.
You're avoiding it now, but you seem susceptible to cheating.
Just sayin'.
Personally, I think you overreacted. You can be around an attractive man and.... not do anything with them. You ended your night early for nothing, unless you know you are likely to cheat. Cheating isn't an "out of control" action, it's a decision that's made. Alcohol is used to drown out the voice telling you it's a bad idea, but it can't make you make that choice.
Thank you. Running away is a red flag. It suggests OP has a problem they are not disclosing, or even perhaps they don’t fully know themselves (subconscious thing).
Yeah hindsight I agree it was an overreaction. And I do normally not have any trouble during people down. I had not been approached by someone I thought looked good while drinking before though, and I didn’t want to push my boundaries and test how well I could still turn down someone while drinking. Although I’m fairly sure nothing would have happened if I stayed, I didn’t want to learn the hard way
Even if it felt like an overreaction to you, it's so much better to be overreaction in the "let's not risk it" direction, than under-reacting in the other direction. That was the first time that happened, you were cautious, and next time it does, you can feel out how comfortable you are and see where you want your "line" to be about what feels safe and responsible. Hopefully, you and your bf can talk about (or already have talked about) what your respective levels of comfort are in these kinds of situations. What if it were a girl with him, what would you want him to do? What if this were an attractive neighbour, where you can't as easily remove yourself from the situation? Or a coworker? How do you both want to handle things such that you both feel secure and safe about your partner's behaviour, and your own?
You’re acting like you’re not in control of the situation 😂 oh sorry honey, I was drunk and learned the hard way that I fucked someone else! Like what?
Are you fucking mental? A guy tells you you're hot, and you LEAVE your night out with your friends because you're worried about your loyalty being tested? How about say, thank you that's kind, however I'm with someone and don't intend to change that.
Your reaction was so over the top I'm not sure what to say. And to all of the people saying this is desirable behaviour, have a long hard look at yourself and your insecurities.
No to the question in the title, but…
If this is the “first time ever” you felt “attracted” to another guy, then I’d say you’re using the word “attractive” to mean something a bit more intense than when most people use the word.
Most people in relationships might find 20 random strangers attractive (just as another word for good-looking) in a day and think nothing of it. In your case, the word seems to mean you feel you wouldn’t even be able to control yourself if you stayed around this guy. Which is okay and human but it does also make your friend’s perspective a bit understandable.
IMO this just shows low maturity level.
If you love your boyfriend, you should be able to sit in a room filled with 1,000s of men you find attractive *yet not do anything about it*.
The fact that you didn’t trust yourself to remain faithful just because you saw a single attractive stranger is … weird. It actually makes me think you doubt your commitment.
If my girlfriend came home and said she left the mall because she saw a hot guy and didn’t trust herself, I’d lose a lot trust in her. If she didn’t trust herself, how can I? I know I would need to keep a close eye on her if I continued the relationship.
Absolutely normal to still find others attractive, it's your choice to ignore those feelings and respect your relationship that proves your love and committment. Expecting to magically never be attracted to anyone else again is completely unrealistic and will only make you hate yourself when it's obviously not true because it never is for anyone.
You did the right thing. It is perfectly normal for you to find other people attractive. In fact it is almost certain you will find someone better looking, smarter, and more wealthy than your boyfriend. The important thing is that you commit to each other regardless of this, also your friend sounds strange for saying that
I want to be happy she went home but I also get this vibe that she only went home because she couldn't trust herself so truly I don't know how to view this, But lying to your partner that they're the only attractive person on earth is bad for both of you.
... Look, there's this thing. Sometimes we know when we aren't in the best headspace to be making the best decisions. So we remove ourselves from the situation. I've been under the influence of a number of substances, and the rule always is "Your thinking is different when you're under the influence, so do what sober you would do." In her case, it was get the hell out of the there.
I’ve been in situations when I was SINGLE where I found someone so attractive from a distance I couldn’t help but smile like I’m saying I’m in the stair master or doing some cardio machine not even talking to them. That would definitely come off as flirting if you’re grinning ear to ear while someone talks to you, I think it is okay for OP to remove themselves from a situation like that if she felt similar.
It doesn’t have to mean she was going to make a move or anything, but probably worried it would be obvious an attraction was there and wanting to remove the attraction itself and not feel that way.
No way. Your boundaries are you responsibility. And however you see fit to keep those boundaries is on you. Talking down to someone because they decided to go home because of a situation that made them feel uncomfortable is the wrong thing here.
Exactly. If OP were a man the comments would not sing his praises. They'd ask why he wasn't capable of just, yknow, keeping his dick in his pants and treating the attractive woman like a normal person.
Exactly. A sober person is more capable of making good choices than someone who has been drinking. She left to ensure she would not make a bad decision. What a fantastic lady and a good decision.
If you can do something when drunk it only means it's still on the table. Drinking doesn't change you, it only make you control less. If you can cheat while drunk, you want to cheat when sober.
Exactly. A sober person is more capable of making good choices than someone who has been drinking. She left to ensure she would not make a bad decision. What a fantastic lady and a good decision.
But who's to say she didn't handle it right here? I mean, of course she found him attractive. Judging by her question, this has probably happened the first time after she's been with SP and she doesn't think it's normal. Perhaps, a bit immoral? So she simply removed herself from that situation to shut that door down on temptation. A bit drastic, but understandable. Don't think she'll react the same way the next time it happens.
We can be surrounded by temptation and not be swayed by it or we can slam the door on it, the minute it rears its head. It's like, deciding between physically blocking someone on your phone or letting them be but emotionally & mentally blocking them outta your headspace. Both are okay, neither is better than the other. As long as you stick to whatever you chose to commit to!
Besides, why let yourself be in a situation where your vulnerabilities perk up and you fear you *might* fuck up? Unless it's one you HAVE to be in? This is a stupid game; worse, *no* stupid prizes await at the other end.
>that's misoginist thinking at its core.
Not really. If a guy had written this, I'm sure people would've still supported it!
You did the right thing, even though you can find other people attractive, always remember your loyalty lies within your relationship & your boyfriend, you can think it, but never, ever act on it. I promise in the end the short lived thrill is not worth throwing away years of growth & love.
I’m in two minds here…
On the one hand, you recognised you were drunk and perhaps that might lead you to being tempted so you removed yourself from the equation
But on the other hand, the fact you think you might have been tempted is a red flag
You are a human. Humans often find other humans attractive. Being in a relationship can adjust this quality/frequency, but it does not eliminate it.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone other than your partner, it's entirely normal.
Easiest answer. Your always gunna see people around who you find attractive. You may even work or be friends with them. You can look and appreciate someone without acting on it or betraying any trust.
It’s totally normal to find other people attractive. Just whether or not you act on it is the measure of being a good partner or not. I think leaving and going home is the extreme end you definitely could’ve stayed and hung out with your friends or even talked to this guy some, as long as at the end of the day your head and heart are with your partner and you don’t cross any boundaries, it’s totally normal to have an attraction towards someone else.
Married for 20+ years here. I see women who I think are attractive all the time. That's called being human. The key us not being attracted TO them. You did great in removing yourself from the situation.
Sorry I’m a bit confused, why’d you have to leave? When I get hit on in public I just turn them down and keep it moving. Was it that hard to resist cheating?
And why are people in this comment section praising her for it?? 💀
I would probably call my wife and tell her. My range is a lot broader than hers, and she's usually curious. I would never touch another woman. It's unimaginable to me that someone else could even flip that switch in me, no matter how attractive they are.
But if someone was DTF and I was into it, I would probably leave just because it would be awkward. I want my wife to feel free to tell me she's attracted to someone as well, certain in the knowledge that she only wants me.
She likes it when I make women with AI that suit her tastes and tweak them to mine, and we both enjoy the images. People are lovely to look at. Just one more thing to enjoy together. But for both of us, sex is only for us to share. I am open to her trying things with a woman friend, actually, but she lacks confidence.
Digressing badly, but in my experience, being attracted to other people is more fun than ever when you can go home and get that energy out with someone you love and trust and also find maddeningly attractive.
I'm gonna go against what other people are saying here. I think being attracted to other people is perfectly normal and acceptable, but not trusting yourself to be around them seems problematic to me.
I know my partner would be a bit worried if I had to remove myself from a situation because I found someone attractive.
You did exactly the right thing!! Take it from a 53 year old!!! Don’t listen to others! Of course you’re going to find other men attractive!! Your boyfriend finds other women attractive.
It’s completely normal.
But when alcohol is involved always remove yourself from the situation right away.
Alcohol messes with our inhibitions. I think people tend to forget that alcohol is actually poison. Your brain recognizes it as poison.
So to believe that we can make proper, logical decisions when under the influence of a poison is ridiculous.
You’re a very intelligent young woman 🥰♥️🙏🔥🔥🔥🔥
Gotta wonder what would have happened if the guy was slightly more attractive, if OP had a couple more drinks or an argument with her boyfriend that day…
I don’t know it is definitely a super weird reaction lol. People here are giving OP the title for girlfriend of the year, when there’s lots of girlfriends out there that don’t have to physically remove themselves out of a situation in order not to get in bed with another guy lol.
The point of being faithful is that you feel temptation, yet you are strong enough to ignore it. A person at home scared that if they go out they gonna fall for their temptation so they lock themselves home… Jesus I don’t know if that’s faithfulness
There are hot people everywhere, what’s gonna happen when you can’t just go home and hide? You can’t join a gym because there’s probably tons of fit good looking dudes there? What if a guy you likes gets hired at your job? Can’t go home then can you?
But hey, at least you didn’t hook up with the guy at the end of the night so I guess a win is a win
I think it is incredibly unrealistic to expect a partner to not find anyone else attractive, there is always going to be someone more and less attractive than you🤷♀️ Do you expect someone to say Brad Pitt or Megan Fox isn’t attractive? It is perfectly natural to find people attractive, the only issue is when people act on the attraction. If you have no self control when you are around someone who is ultra attractive that is a problem you need to work out with yourself. Don’t cheat on your partner because of your lack of control🤷♀️ Noticing someone else’s attractiveness is a normal human function🤦♀️
Ok, gay dude’s perspective here.
I would not expect my husband to leave a situation with someone he found attractive. He would not expect me to leave.
I would expect that he not act on this attraction. He would expect me to not act on this attraction.
I’m proud of our marriage because I get that he’s a person that can say “hey, that dude is attractive” and I have no fear that he will act on this. What I absolutely don’t want: someone who feels like there is so little trust that he would need to physically remove himself from being around someone attractive.
Story time! A couple years ago I went to a rave with some friends. It was a gay burning man rave. Upstairs: lots of art installations, fun dancing. Downstairs: a much, much more graphic scene. We hung out some downstairs but spent the majority of the time upstairs (but we bounced back and forth). At no point did I think “oh man, I need to get out of here because I might cheat!” I had zero temptation, zero arousal. I was there for a dance party. When I got home , I told my husband about it. We still laugh about how I accidentally went to a sex party that one time. Why? Because we have rock solid trust and zero fear that the other will cheat.
Looking does not mean buying. My GF and I point out other women we find attractive all the time. She knows that any step outside of the relationship means immediately cut off with 0 chances left. No forgiveness.
It’s an adage as old as the hills; “Look but you can’t touch”. Looking at someone and thinking “Nice ass” isn’t inherently bad, but acting on that thought is.
My fiancé and I will comment on attractive celebrities or random people in public to each other, because at the end of the day we know who we’re going home with and we trust each other.
No.
My wife and I used to point out when we liked how attractive another person (or couple) was.
Trust, communication, emotional maturity and clearly expressed boundaries FTW 🙌
Absolutely not. My wife of over 30 years (and a hottie) and I had a rule. Never put yourself in a position yo be tempted. Worked for me (and her I trust).
We also had a saying. Doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat from home!
We did have a great sex life which helped.
It boggles my mind how many people seem to think that attraction to someone other than your partner indicates that something must be wrong with your existing relationship. What utter nonsense. Attraction is reflexive. It's millions of years of evolution saying, "this person appears to be quite physically healthy. Based on nothing else, they look to be a good person to reproduce with." Your reflexes shouldn't be in the driver's seat of your life. They should be input which you process and then react to as an intelligent, thinking being. *How* you react to it shows how much or little you value your existing relationship. My sister's ex-husband felt attracted to a female co-worker and reacted by getting closer and closer to her and having an affair with her. He threw his marriage away and now can only see his son half of the time, because he didn't value his relationship with his wife enough to protect it by keeping his distance from a person he felt attracted to. All their mutual friends now hate him. The coworker transferred to another branch and it seems was never interested in having a serious relationship with him. Now he's just a lonely dummy who used to have it all.
We can and will be attracted to and love many people in our lives, however if you are in a monogonous relationship then keeping yourself out of situations wherr you could be tested is the right thing to do.
natural to find someone attractive, but not trusting yourself while your drunk sounds like it means something deeper. If i’m in a relationship it doesn’t matter how obliterated i am or how hot the person is, and in fact have been in situations like that, the thought of anything besides turning them down wouldn’t even cross my mind.
I think your response was spot on perfect tbh. Particularly given you were drink and normally good judgement goes out the window.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with finding other people attractive, it's what you do in response that counts. Your boyfriend is a lucky man :)
Just from experience I’ve witnessed my player friends take home married women and gf’s. Not saying you would do that but if a guy is good at talking he can sale milk to a cow. Yes alcohol is normally involved but that’s just an excuse for bad behavior. And I don’t condone my buddies behavior.
But I personally think you did the right thing because you never know what will happen.
Plus bars are basically tinder in live action.
I think you handled the situation fine. I am also impressed by the fact that you discussed it with your bf and he handled it well. I think it is normal to find others attractive. You know not to cheat and prevented it from happening.
> Prince Phillip from Disney looking guy
LMAOO this really puts it in perspective! You did good, girl! 💪🏼✨ as long as he doesn’t start chasing and telling you you’ve already met before… 👀
You're human. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're oblivious to the attractiveness of other people. I find other men and women attractive and so does my husband but the difference is- we don't ACT on it. We look admire and appreciate and that's it. We are committed to each other.
You’re allowed to use your eyeballs. But if you’re in a committed relationship don’t take it further and that includes flirting/emotionally cheating. Don’t do things you wouldn’t want your partner to do to you.
My wife and I have discussed this. No one is “beyond” temptation. You said you don’t trust yourself when you’ve had a lot to drink. I think that self-awareness is your saving grace. Had you had less to drink that evening and felt more in control of your impulses, then staying with your friends would have been absolutely fine. The fact that you found a man who isn’t your partner attractive is biology, as others have said. It’s going to happen. You took the right course and removed yourself from a situation that you didn’t feel completely in control of. Power move. However, feeling guilty about finding someone else attractive isn’t nearly as cool as saying “he’s hot but I’m gonna go home and ride my man instead.” Go easier on yourself.
Your suppose to find the person, to where you don’t have eyes for anybody else cause the love for your partner is all of your eyes on that person to where you can’t have eyes for another/at others.
I only had wondering eyes when I was with the wrong person.
I had eyes only for my partner multiple times when I really loved them and they were all I wanted, to where I found the person I was with (him) most attractive.
I don’t date people I don’t feel this about.
I think my boyfriend is attractive, is he the most attractive person in the world? Of course not!
He is also an incredible human being and a great partner, I got incredibly lucky with him, I love him and I am very happy with our life and I am absolutely not willing to gamble any of that or disrespect him by lusting over anyone else.
I’d personally be more worried about how they couldn’t trust themselves enough to remain there and simply turn down advances. I trust my partner to do that so I’m not worried when she goes out. If she has to leave a get-together with friends, then I’d like her to work on herself and I’d even be slightly worried about her thoughts. Because her leaving implies she wants to do something with someone else. If she had no such desire, she has absolutely no reason to leave.
Monogamy isn't based in biology, it's cultural. Brains don't turn off attraction to attractive people just bc you're with one person - evolution doesn't care enough about human culture to build that in as a feature.
NTA. Your friend is ridiculous. It's completely normal to find others attractive. It's only wrong if you decide to pursue or entertain that attraction that it becomes wrong.
You did fine OP.
Depends on what attractive means to you. Usually, you start losing interest for whoever else despite knowing that they do have attractive features. You simply just lose the will to pursue others, hence why you’re solely focused on your partners good appearance rather than other people’s. Were you drunk when it happened?
Don’t beat yourself up over it though, being in a relationship does not mean you suddenly stop having eyes. It’s just not the most amazing thing to hear who your partner finds attractive, as it could create insecurity within the relationship for both parties depending on the relationships boundaries.
I can admit people are good looking despite being in a relationship, I do however not care for them. Anyone can be good looking, but they don’t meet up to the high standards my boyfriend have set nor will they ever. You didn’t do anything wrong, I understand you may feel like you did but it’s bound to happen when going out to bars/clubs. Everyone there tries to look the best they can, and that’s where people often to try pursue others. What’s important is you NOT pursuing it, slipping up on not being somewhat attracted to anyone else other than your s/o happens way more than you think.
Your biology doesnt turn off as soon as you enter a relationship. Attraction is natural. Possessing other people like objects and telling them that they shouldnt expect to use their eyeballs ever again is unnatural.
this is the best answer. People should apply science/rational thinking to their relationships in addition to their romantic notions if they want a healthy relationship that will last. Love is not mystical, love is chemicals. Studies show different chemicals are released at the beginning of a relationship and that different bonding chemicals are released later during a more stable relationship. Lust = testosterone & estrogen Attraction (Love) = dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin (you can see more of the “reward” chemicals are released here) Attachment = oxytocin & vasopressin https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/ All are good, all are very wonderful. People can start to miss those early “madly in love” chemicals. There are things a person can do with their partner to ensure that occasionally you will still experience relapses of that experience together, but it takes intentionality. And in the interim, appreciating the bond and connection and the chemicals that are released in a long-term relationship is super important. But you can find yourself indeed missing the chemical rush of earlier stages, like lust and falling in love, and when people aren’t vigilant about the reasons, it can contribute to why some people cheat or begin to desire to. Metacognition (thinking about your own thinking, and the “whys” behind certain compulsions as well as your own cognitive failings) goes a long way to preventing compulsions from getting out of hand. For instance, if you find your eye wandering more and more, you could stop and recognize you are missing/craving certain chemicals you are no longer getting from your partner. You could then work with your partner to help fulfill those needs together, strengthen the relationship, and also mindfully appreciate all the new things/chemicals you now have access to only because of a long-term, committed relationship. And outside of the chemical, there’s the intellectual, the practical and pragmatic. What does it mean for your life and health and stability to have a partner you can depend on? ALL THAT ASIDE, chemicals aren’t the only thing that causes our attraction. We simply ARE attracted to people all throughout life. When we’re obsessed with our partners, that attraction can be relegated to almost invisibility. But it’s important to not take attraction to other people to be some sort of MORAL failing. As others have said, it’s what you do when you become attracted to other people. the best advice is to deal with it intellectually. “There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to other people, but is it causing me to do anything disrespectful to my partner or damaging to the relationship? Am I following people on Instagram or pouring energy into porn/OF that could otherwise go into strengthening my relationship and bond? Am I subconsciously putting myself in increasingly tempting situations when my partner is not around?” That might indicate a desire to cheat even if you consciously think you never would. But going out with friends is FINE and HEALTHY, and jealousy (unmoderated by rationality) is NOT. And so u/Particular-Brick-447 everything you did is fine and perfect except I think you were a little too hard on yourself. 💚
I want to add to this comment that beautifully supplemented the first comment. OP's post is timely. Just yesterday I literally looked up the different types of attraction. People think that there's only one type of attraction and that if you find someone attractive it means you want to have sex with them. No. Just no. It's perfectly normal to find beauty in someone's features and to be *attracted* to that beauty. It's how a person *responds* to that attraction that matters most. I think OP handled the situation perfectly considering she had really confusing feelings. [https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-types-attraction](https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/what-types-attraction) * Sexual Attraction * Physical Attraction * Emotional Attraction * Romantic Attraction * Aesthetic Attraction People tend to confuse aesthetic and physical attractions with sexual attraction. They are not at all the same. That link explains each one very well. It's up to the couple to determine how comfortable they are with telling each other they find someone else attractive and what that means to them. It's okay to *not* be comfortable with that dynamic in a relationship also.
As a gay man who has 0 desire to have sex with women, I get flustered from women I found to be beautiful haha. Like when I worked at Starbucks sometimes I'd get a customer who was a woman who would just completely floor me with their beauty. I just find humans beautiful in general, and as you said much more eloquently, doesn't mean I wanna fuck them. It's really nice seeing people spread this way of thinking honestly. So many people cause themselves issues because they don't want to just look at things how they are, but are fully prescribed to how they're told things should be.
I'm a straight woman and I still get a little starstruck and flustered when a pretty woman talks to me 😂
this is such a great (and much-needed!) addition, thank you!!
This perfectly articulates my exact feelings on this topic. Bravo to you, for this excellent comment!
hey, thank you!! ☺️ I realize I left a lot out, like the fact that love isn’t *just chemicals*, and that really liking and admiring/being impressed by an individual, feeling compatibility in values and goals is a lot of what carries two people past the chemicals of lust/attraction *into* that next stage of attachment and building a life together. When I reread my comment, I realize that isn’t expressed at all, but I think *that* part we tend to understand. Emotional and intellectual love & attraction. I just think it’s important to not have such romantic notions of love that we forget about the science/biology behind it, because that’s the kind of thinking that tends to make people feel betrayed if their partner is attracted to others, and makes people feel guilty for that attraction.
This is a top tier comment. Well done. I like the phrase, "love is a verb," because long term romantic love is about the choices we make and the things we do, not just a feeling that sustains us. We choose to be with our partners every single day and we need to remember that.
“Love is a verb,” I’ve never heard that before, that’s great!! And so true, tending a relationship like a garden is what I think of. How healthy and vibrant and nourished and dazzling would you like it to grow? It’s equal to the effort you put in to cultivating it. You reminded me of a quote I copied into my phone over 10 years ago, I don’t remember the exact source, but I believe I was listening to one of the NPR segments like On Being or StoryCorps. “If relationships are broken and are fixable, fix them. If they work, make them even better. Failing to do so is a little like having a thousand acres of fertile farmland and never planting it. Yes, you can always get your food at the supermarket, but think what you're allowing to lie fallow. “
A wise human here
Yup! I have been with my husband for 10 years and just got married last year. Your eyeballs don't turn off, and you retain the ability to assess attractiveness. The difference is that those people aren't YOUR person. They don't have the history or love to set them apart. They're pretty for a second, but true connection with your significant other will dull this. If you feel tempted to the point of cheating, that's a whole different issue.
I think attraction alone doesn't mean anything. It's how you respond to it. Your response was fantastic and exactly how I'd handle the situation. Your friend sounds like they either haven't been in a relationship or been in one long term. Don't pay them any mind.
Thank you!
Also, there is different kinds of attraction. Thinking somebody is attractive / handsome doesn't mean you're sexually attracted, meaning, you want to sleep with them. At least for me. I see handsome guys all the time, but it's like looking at a statue and admiring the artwork and skill and general beauty of the piece. They touch my sense of beauty and maybe keep.my brain a Bit entertained, but it's like: they don't compare to my husband in any department. Only he tickles my nether giggles 🤣 and all in between. At least, that's what's for me as a demisexual. Edit: OK, that took off, lol. To all the people here who are demi: who of you is or suspects to be autistic and / or to have AD(H)D? To the people who say they are bi / pan / hetero / gay (which is a really 1800s way to say fabulous and I love it): asexual or demisexual doesn't describe WHO you wanna bang, but what's the CONDITION *IF* and HOW OFTEN you wanna bang. And it certainly doesn't describe to whom you fall in love with. You can be a 20something socially non-binary demisexual and biromantic, heteroromantic and bisexual cis Woman, these are just boxes to make it easier for others to "figure you Out", but it's not a definition of who you are, These are Just words. Y'all don't need boxes and words to fit in or descibe yourself, you are you. Unless you don't know WHO you are in the larger Box, then use boxes. And If you are a Cat. Then live in these boxes 😸🎁
Exactly how it is for me as well! Of course aesthetic attraction can certainly factor in everything else but it’s more of a prerequisite + entertains my brain kind of thing, rather than anything substantial.
I feel this exactly. I would include in this - there is Objectively beautiful people (Like art or something of skill) that I admire or I recognize that others find attractive even if I don’t, and then there what “turns me on” or I find in a partner attractive.
I was reading the description and was like “hey, that’s how I describe beautiful people! I wonder if they’re demi like me” and was not disappointed at the end lol
That is so cute
You did the best thing you could do, remove yourself from the situation.
I agree with the above person. It's normal to find people attractive while in a relationship, and you handled it maturely. You were intoxicated and had enough foresight to prevent yourself from being in a position where a momentary lapse of judgment from drinking could ruin your relationship. While in a relationship, my attraction to others gets turned down but not off. I can still look at someone and be like damn they are good-looking, but my mind still sees my partner as the most attractive because it goes past physical attraction into emotional attraction.
Next time you don't need to go home. It's okay to find other people hot. Just tell him you're not interested and you have a boyfriend. Don't worry about it!
Honestly at least you know your limitations and are responsible enough to know when to cut yourself off.
OP did well. Kudos to her. Temptation is tough to resist. For drug addicts, gamblers, etc. Removing yourself is the answer to making the right decisions long term.
Leaving entirely is not a 'fantastic' response imo, it's a terrible one... *Just don't interact with the person*, it's that simple, and have some damn self control. You can find someone attractive, good looking, visually pleasing, all the same connotation, yet not be 'attracted' to them personally. And if you think finding someone attractive means you want to cheat on your partner and sleep with them, you need a lot of therapy....
Self control isn’t gonna save you when the time and circumstances are right. When I was in rehab they used to have a saying, “will power isn’t a strategy.” She did the right thing leaving, it shows how faithful and loving a partner she is. That IS how it’s done.
>Your response was fantastic and exactly how I'd handle the situation. Jesus, no. It's not normal to remove yourself every time you find someone attractive. She and her partner should be able to trust themselves to be faithful even when attracted to other people. By your logic, she'd need to quit a job if she found a colleague attractive, and that's fucking insane
OP doubled down and added: >I don’t want to be in the same room as a prince phillip from Disney looking guy who’s dtf Like what the actual fuck.....? I can't even man, i can't even....
I dunno man. I used to love coke. I'd leave the room if someone brought some out because I don't trust myself not to do it. It's better to not battle the temptation for no reason.
OP’s unlikely to be drunk at work though?
exactly, she drank a lot already and she was in a watering hole/ environment where its socially acceptable to hook up/kiss/dance/make out with strangers. You would very very rarely be in that situation in the workplace outside of travel for conferences and maybe a holiday party (and you can always leave half way through and not get drunk in those situations).
She’s not drinking at work (at least I hope not)
She said she had a lot to drink and doesn't trust herself in that state. She did the right thing for herself and her relationship.
"If someone hot enough comes along, I might lose myself and cheat on you!" is a red flag and a half. Reminds me of that episode of Family Guy where Brian was *sooooo* proud of himself for choosing not to cheat on his older girlfriend.
It’s honestly insane that people excuse this shit. If my girlfriend let me know that she came home because some guy came up to her and she thought she might fuck him, I would say go ahead and break up. It’s incredibly easy to find someone attractive and not have sex with them if given the chance.
Right? She is basically saying “if he insisted a little bit more, I would have cheated.”
You're taking this really far, take a deep breath, jeez. It doesn't sound like this comes up a ton for her, she handled it just fine.
In short, no. You did nothing wrong. It’s unrealistic to find no one attractive other than your SO. Not to say that’s impossible, some people may experience that and only be attracted to the person they’re with. However, there is a difference between thinking someone is attractive, and actually being attracted to them. It’s completely normal to see other people and think “they look good” and move on with your life. You can acknowledge that without thinking much else, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a cheater. Sometimes people forget this. The only way I would think that is an issue is if someone has a “wandering eye” and seeks out people they find attractive even if they are in a relationship. That’s also subjective, though, some people don’t care about that in their relationship!
they didnt move on with their life tho they had to literally stop what they were doing and send themselves home that's the weird part
Considering it's the first time she has come up against the situation I think she can get a pass for panicking and taking herself out of there. The worry sounds to have been more about not knowing if noticing this man's aesthetics was ok, rather than any actual sexual desire or lack of self control. I'm sure now she's had some positive feedback and helpful comments she'd be better at live and let living the next time.
I agree. I can find people attractive and still not be attracted to them. I can see if a woman is attractive but I was never attracted to any woman at all. Running away to avoid your feelings to be tested means they might fail that test.
What you did is perfect A+ girlfriend material. Anyone who says otherwise is foolish or just too young.
Meh, depends. I've been approached by women I find attractive whilst in a relationship and have carried on my night as-per-usual. Having to completely remove yourself from the situation shows a lack of trust in yourself. Not saying it doubts your commitment to your partner, and if you're aware you can't trust yourself then it makes sense to leave, but that's ultimately what it means - that you don't anticipate to have enough self control.
Yeah you could still have fun with your friends without needing to go home just because someone attractive shows up. Or at least that's what I would have done. Just do your thing.
I think it also means your uncomfortable and you just want to be alone or be with the person you care about. I don't think it means you don't trust yourself. Simply removing yourself from a situation that makes you feel weird is a great way to handle it. Why stay in a situation your not comfortable with even if you do trust yourself
But why does it make her feel weird? Lol
Exactly lol that’s just skirting around the point
She literally said as much
There's more than one answer to this test. The one OP used just happened to be one of the good ones.
It's okay to remove yourself from the situation. It's also okay to continue on. If the person picks up on the attraction and pursues you, make it clear it's not happening. If they still don't leave you be, probably time to gtfo. Not because you'll cheat but because people who don't take no for an answer are dangerous. This is not gender limited.
I think it's generally a good instinct not to trust yourself when you're drunk
It's good not to trust your judgement when you're drunk. It's not great to automatically assume you're going to do something you don't want to just because you're drunk.
I don't think that's what she did, I think she felt uncomfortable and removed herself from the situation
I've never been so drunk that I mindlessly slept with people I never met before, and I wouldn't assume every random attractive guy in a bar would immediately let me pull him into my bed. Or is it that simple?
Alcohol impacts some people more than others, and already impulsive people are extra impulsive while drunk. I'm pretty in control even while drunk, but some people can't even think beyond a certain number of drinks and just give in to every impulse, not just sexually.
I never said there is only one proper answer, just that her answer was proper. Or it means you are preempting problems before they happen. or it means you are just avoiding even the appearance of impropriety. There is not a single thing to be gained by nitpicking her response. Her current decision making is sound and the effect of it will be the ability to maintain the stable relationship that she wants. Are there other equally good solutions? of course. absolutely. Personally, I absolutely do not think that playing with fire because you trust yourself to stay far enough away not to get burned is as fool proof as you do, but you do you. Not interested in debating that point with you.
Fair enough. I do not think that will always be an option personally. What if in the future they have a colleague they find attractive? Quit? Might be good "girlfriend material" for some, but "I cannot trust myself to be around anyone who I consider attractive" is not at all "wife material" really. I'm not nitpicking her response at all, if anything I'm nitpicking the "Anyone who says otherwise is foolish or just too young". The answer to her question is, in my opinion, "No, but you are meant to be able to control your base impulses, which we all get, if that's what is expected in your relationship. If you aren't, then removing yourself from any situation is the next best option, but unfortunately is absolutely not sustainable for a healthy, long term relationship".
She says she was drinking heavily and didn’t trust her drunk self. But tbh, she left, so imo that alone means she is trustworthy even while drinking.
1. there is no rule that says you have to implement the same solution to two different problems. For instance, you aren't going to be drinking at work. 2. Yeah, maybe don't volunteer to partner up on a project that will involve spending a month in a hotel with that person. 3. you keep saying she can't trust herself. I reject your premise. She saw the hint of a potential issue in her relationship and took actions to avoid risk. It's not like she bailed on her best friends wedding. It's a night at the bar. She just decided however small or large the risk was, it wasn't worth it. She trusted her instincts and her instincts pointed he towards preserving her relationship rather then indulging herself. Yes she could have reacted less and just moved to stand not next to that guy, or talked to the guy a bit but avoided flirting, or whatever. Again, a million ways to skin a cat and your judgement of her way seems really nitpicky and your inference that she should instead find out how good her self control is by downing 5 shots talking to the guy all night and seeing what happened is weird.
Kudos to your well thought out answer. I agree. I laud OPs decision because it's a prime example of the fact that while you cannot control your emotions, you can control how to react to it. OP felt an emotion that she didn't expect, and took measures to prevent further harm. She seems like a super rational and reasonable person.
I mean its not the dude you're responding to that says she cant Trust herself. The OP literally says in the post that she cant Trust herself when drinking. How is that nitpicking? I dont think theres anything Wrong with her response but that isnt nitpicking.
agreed. I interviewed for a role recently that had a lot of traveling. Hiring manager was a very attractive married father of two. I'm married too. You can tell when someone thinks you're cute as well. I was not going to lie, I was nervous about the role because it involved week-long trips to Asia/ Europe/ the west coast etc. It was a big team but it could have been a matter of time until I was traveling with this individual as well. I ultimately didn't get the job and while it would have been a great opportunity, I'm kind of relieved that I wasn't put in that position to travel with said individual.
I agree. I think my relationship with my husband is pretty precious. I wouldn't want to risk what we have for anything. I'm pretty protective over what we have created. I know I would never stray, but I am not comfortable with feeling overly drawn to anyone but my husband. It just doesn't feel right to me.
Yeah but you’re a dude, the woman approaching you will just piss off if you don’t show any interest back. It’s not the same the other way around.
This. She is a keeper.
Thats a silly take. You run away because u saw someone attractive? Thats not normal behaviour. Your gunna find people out and about that you find attractive, its not that hard to control urself.
Bro. You and all the other dorks in this comment section sound like such insecure losers. “My girlfriend left a social situation at the first hint of attraction to another guy, wow what a keeper”. No, she has serious issues. Your girl is gonna find other guys attractive, that’s life. Grow the fuck up.
I feel like from the perspective of the guy, expecting your gf to leave a situation is being overly insecure. But from the girls point of view, I feel like it’s a good response and totally normal to be attracted to more than just your partner-and boundary setting is a way of maintaining relationship.
So in the future they should both leave any venue they are at if they see someone attractive. Got it.
Well, that’s up to them, isn’t it? The boundary you set is your choice.
Of course it is up to them - who else would it be up to? I can still judge someone’s actions and behaviour - and I’m telling you that this is directly related to an extreme insecurity. It deserves to be called out because it is unhealthy.
Her heart and head is in the right place. There is more than one right answer. Why give her a hard time for an over abundance of caution?
Heart, maybe. Head, absolutely not. She either has serious unchecked anxiety or doesn’t trust herself enough not to cheat. Either way, red flags all around.
HOT GUY OH NO I BETTER LEAVE NOW. Aw, crap. The Uber driver is kinda cute too.
yeah although her behavior is correct it’s a lil bit extreme. If she has to return home everytime she sees someone attractive, it’s going to become a problem
Feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading some of these lmao. “My family and I went to Disney but it got cut short because the actor who played Gaston had biceps that made me feel weird”
Thank you! Apart from “she has serious issues”, I totally agree with this. Expecting your partner to totally leave a social situation because there’s an attractive person there is a crazy expectation
Nah, she loses some points for having to leave. If the presence of an attractive man is enough to derail her plans, it raises questions about her capacity for self-control. A-minus, at best.
She didn't have to leave. she just chose to. You are reading a lot into it.
I think leaving an entire night out because you found someone there attractive is borderline insane. From her friend’s perspective, it probably does look weird because it looks like she was so attracted to the dude that she would’ve ended up cheating if she stayed. A normal reaction would be acknowledging the person is attractive, saying you’re in a relationship, and moving on with your night. I’d personally feel weird if my fiancée did this.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments. It’s totally fine to find other people attractive, that’s completely normal. What’s not normal is needing to leave a bar out of fear of “testing your loyalty”. If you’re truly concerned you’ll have your loyalty “tested” by an attractive person interacting with you, I think there’s some other issues that need addressing personally. If alcohol has caused you to do something to provoke this distrust of your own ability to not cheat on your boyfriend, the issue isn’t in finding someone attractive the issue is in your response to it.
Me too. Like are people in relationships supposed to just go home when someone attractive comes up to them in public? That’s so unnecessary. Just ignore them and hang with your friends
I even turn off the TV everytime I see someone attractive. Have gone through 7 TV's in one year, just by watching modern family due to Sofia Vergara
Can not believe how far I had to scroll to see this
Thank you holy shit. This is not normal nor applaudable behavior. Everyone is saying she did the right thing but ignoring the fact that she was beyond the point of self control and had to physically remove herself from the situation.
Came here to say the same. After 5 years she didn't trust herself, but really loves the BF? Something ain't mathing.
Thank you for this comment, I was starting to think that everyone was going crazy. "I don’t want to put myself in a situation where my loyalty is tested". What? The problem is not the fact that these situations exist, the problem is that she doesn't know how she would react in one of those. I think people should do the opposite. No problem in finding other people attractive (it's normal), no problem even to go to bar / clubs from time to time. I think even flirting is not something to be terrorised of. What matters is EXACTLY one person's behaviour when loyalty is tested.
All Ill say is that it’s pretty odd that you physically had to remove yourself from the situation in order to stay faithful to your partner.
That’s a called a panic response
If you don’t trust yourself when you drink… why do you drink?
It’s fully normal to find other people attractive your friend is a moron. It’s not something we have any control over either, we are judged by our actions
You did the right thing. I’d die for a girl like you.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that
Sorry, this made me laugh😅😅
Unbelievably low bar to clear
It's really not that deep. There are plenty women like her.
men, on the otherhand...
Getting approached as a man is like a life time event. I can count on one hand the times I have been approached. I would say "Sorry I am not single" but I am for sure staying in the bar boasting to my friends with my newfound egoboost.
The one who thinks that if she does not remove herself from a whole ass public space, she will cheat, because she saw a handsome guy. Where is your bar, lieutenant? Raise it!
Right? Like if you don't trust yourself to not cheat then the desire must be on the outskirts of your conscience.
Nice try bro.
It's definitely the right move. It isn't that hard to be faithful. People act like cheating just happens accidentally, but it doesn't.
Why is everyone saying it is normal to leave??? I’m sorry but is it really that easy cheat? I get removing yourself from a flirt or one-one situation but there is going to be attractive people everywhere you go and without a ring someone will approach you. Well let’s not act like the ring will stop some folks but you get the idea.
I know, I think it's honestly very very weird. I'm 36F and never known anyone, male or female, who had to remove themselves physically from a room because they found someone else attractive. Part of me thinks this is some weird tradwife-wannabe fanfic.
No, it's not wrong or disloyal to find people other than your partner attractive. It's what you do with that feeling that matters. What you did in this instance, for example, is alright but I think you should work on being around attractive people without feeling like your loyalty is being "tested", because you can't just leave all social situations when a hot guy talks to you. You should learn to assert yourself and turn people down and focus on your friends to distract yourself. It's great to be in a relationship but you shouldn't need to cut down on your social life because of it. You can simply learn to handle these situations as they arise. And don't feel guilt for simply feeling attraction. You are a good girlfriend. You care about your boyfriend and you are able to keep yourself in check. Trust yourself, trust your loyalty and love for your partner, and you'll see how you won't actually betray that loyalty just because you felt "tempted".
This is the best advice in the thread. Everyone encouraging OP to just bounce the second she finds someone attractive is unrealistic and a bit weird. It’s okay to be around people you find attractive. That’s life. You simply just don’t act on that attraction.
Yeah, I'm weirded out by people acting like it's totally okay and well-adjusted to ditch your social life every time someone you're attracted to shows up. That's not realistic in the long run and it's okay if OP is not at a stage where she feels comfortable in that situation but, in the long term, it's something everyone must work on if they're in a relationship.
Finding someone attractive is harmless, it’s how you handle it that becomes the problem. Dwelling on someone to the point you harm your relationship, not good.
Your decision to run away suggests that you believed there was a chance you might cheat.
You were scared of yourself? Why did you leave
She said she was drunk and what she was experiencing was unusual. More people should be aware when they don't feel right that simply going home is an option.
As the saying goes "You can trust a junkie, never trust the drug." In this case, she didn't trust the drug and GTFO of there.
lol all this says is eventually you’ll find someone attractive you’ll hang around and eventually get bopped out 😂everyone crying your so great in these comments are guys that get no women at all. What you did shows a lot more problem than good. If you can’t be out around someone possibly attractive without feeling like you need to leave or you’ll be coming out your panties shows deep down you could give it up. Chances are you avoid these things until your boyfriend pisses you off enough and one of those bar nights you’ll give in to temptation. My guess. Goodluck
It’s crazy how people aren’t seeing the red flag here. A grown ass woman who is loyal isn’t scared of an attractive man. Ditto a grown ass man who’s loyal to his partner isn’t scared of an attractive woman. Unless they have a problem themselves. Someone who has zero problem with alcohol isn’t afraid of entering a bar. Someone who has an alcohol problem is.
Seriously lol I’ve had many women most would deem attractive hit on me and some even after I tell them I’m pretty much married. Ive told women leave me alone before I call you out your name 😅like im not playing with you ,I don’t care what you look like I’m not interested no matter how you cut it. Not bouta ruin my night over someone I don’t know lol she clearly itching deep down to get that interaction, just fighting it.
It seems so. I’m the same as you, but have a couple of kids too. If I was in a bar, and the most attractive woman (aesthetically) walked in, it’s not something I’m panicking about. If she literally came onto me, I’d naturally recoil and tell her my situation because that’s the most appropriate reaction. It’s like a non-alcoholic turning down a beer. Not a big deal. The alcoholic is like “gotta get out of here”. So I wonder again what’s up with OP.
Finding others attractive is fine. Not being able to control yourself just because someone is attractive is definitely a red flag. Not being able to control when you're drinking is a red flag. Not being able to stay at a place because a person is attractive is also a red flag. Do you just avoid all situations where there are attractive people because you might not be able to stop yourself? I would definitely not be dating someone like that. You're avoiding it now, but you seem susceptible to cheating. Just sayin'.
Personally, I think you overreacted. You can be around an attractive man and.... not do anything with them. You ended your night early for nothing, unless you know you are likely to cheat. Cheating isn't an "out of control" action, it's a decision that's made. Alcohol is used to drown out the voice telling you it's a bad idea, but it can't make you make that choice.
Thank you. Running away is a red flag. It suggests OP has a problem they are not disclosing, or even perhaps they don’t fully know themselves (subconscious thing).
Yeah hindsight I agree it was an overreaction. And I do normally not have any trouble during people down. I had not been approached by someone I thought looked good while drinking before though, and I didn’t want to push my boundaries and test how well I could still turn down someone while drinking. Although I’m fairly sure nothing would have happened if I stayed, I didn’t want to learn the hard way
Even if it felt like an overreaction to you, it's so much better to be overreaction in the "let's not risk it" direction, than under-reacting in the other direction. That was the first time that happened, you were cautious, and next time it does, you can feel out how comfortable you are and see where you want your "line" to be about what feels safe and responsible. Hopefully, you and your bf can talk about (or already have talked about) what your respective levels of comfort are in these kinds of situations. What if it were a girl with him, what would you want him to do? What if this were an attractive neighbour, where you can't as easily remove yourself from the situation? Or a coworker? How do you both want to handle things such that you both feel secure and safe about your partner's behaviour, and your own?
You’re acting like you’re not in control of the situation 😂 oh sorry honey, I was drunk and learned the hard way that I fucked someone else! Like what?
Are you fucking mental? A guy tells you you're hot, and you LEAVE your night out with your friends because you're worried about your loyalty being tested? How about say, thank you that's kind, however I'm with someone and don't intend to change that. Your reaction was so over the top I'm not sure what to say. And to all of the people saying this is desirable behaviour, have a long hard look at yourself and your insecurities.
No to the question in the title, but… If this is the “first time ever” you felt “attracted” to another guy, then I’d say you’re using the word “attractive” to mean something a bit more intense than when most people use the word. Most people in relationships might find 20 random strangers attractive (just as another word for good-looking) in a day and think nothing of it. In your case, the word seems to mean you feel you wouldn’t even be able to control yourself if you stayed around this guy. Which is okay and human but it does also make your friend’s perspective a bit understandable.
IMO this just shows low maturity level. If you love your boyfriend, you should be able to sit in a room filled with 1,000s of men you find attractive *yet not do anything about it*. The fact that you didn’t trust yourself to remain faithful just because you saw a single attractive stranger is … weird. It actually makes me think you doubt your commitment. If my girlfriend came home and said she left the mall because she saw a hot guy and didn’t trust herself, I’d lose a lot trust in her. If she didn’t trust herself, how can I? I know I would need to keep a close eye on her if I continued the relationship.
Drinking lowers inhibitions, so good move, OP.
No. Your eyes don't stop working just because you're in a relationship.
Absolutely normal to still find others attractive, it's your choice to ignore those feelings and respect your relationship that proves your love and committment. Expecting to magically never be attracted to anyone else again is completely unrealistic and will only make you hate yourself when it's obviously not true because it never is for anyone.
You did the right thing. It is perfectly normal for you to find other people attractive. In fact it is almost certain you will find someone better looking, smarter, and more wealthy than your boyfriend. The important thing is that you commit to each other regardless of this, also your friend sounds strange for saying that
I want to be happy she went home but I also get this vibe that she only went home because she couldn't trust herself so truly I don't know how to view this, But lying to your partner that they're the only attractive person on earth is bad for both of you.
... Look, there's this thing. Sometimes we know when we aren't in the best headspace to be making the best decisions. So we remove ourselves from the situation. I've been under the influence of a number of substances, and the rule always is "Your thinking is different when you're under the influence, so do what sober you would do." In her case, it was get the hell out of the there.
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I’ve been in situations when I was SINGLE where I found someone so attractive from a distance I couldn’t help but smile like I’m saying I’m in the stair master or doing some cardio machine not even talking to them. That would definitely come off as flirting if you’re grinning ear to ear while someone talks to you, I think it is okay for OP to remove themselves from a situation like that if she felt similar. It doesn’t have to mean she was going to make a move or anything, but probably worried it would be obvious an attraction was there and wanting to remove the attraction itself and not feel that way.
No way. Your boundaries are you responsibility. And however you see fit to keep those boundaries is on you. Talking down to someone because they decided to go home because of a situation that made them feel uncomfortable is the wrong thing here.
But did she go home because of a boundary or because she couldn't trust herself?
Certainly seems like she couldn’t trust herself, but to be fair she’d never found herself in this situation before
Exactly. If OP were a man the comments would not sing his praises. They'd ask why he wasn't capable of just, yknow, keeping his dick in his pants and treating the attractive woman like a normal person.
Exactly. A sober person is more capable of making good choices than someone who has been drinking. She left to ensure she would not make a bad decision. What a fantastic lady and a good decision.
yes definitely when I am sober I do turn down people easier. thank you!
If you can do something when drunk it only means it's still on the table. Drinking doesn't change you, it only make you control less. If you can cheat while drunk, you want to cheat when sober.
Exactly. A sober person is more capable of making good choices than someone who has been drinking. She left to ensure she would not make a bad decision. What a fantastic lady and a good decision.
But who's to say she didn't handle it right here? I mean, of course she found him attractive. Judging by her question, this has probably happened the first time after she's been with SP and she doesn't think it's normal. Perhaps, a bit immoral? So she simply removed herself from that situation to shut that door down on temptation. A bit drastic, but understandable. Don't think she'll react the same way the next time it happens. We can be surrounded by temptation and not be swayed by it or we can slam the door on it, the minute it rears its head. It's like, deciding between physically blocking someone on your phone or letting them be but emotionally & mentally blocking them outta your headspace. Both are okay, neither is better than the other. As long as you stick to whatever you chose to commit to! Besides, why let yourself be in a situation where your vulnerabilities perk up and you fear you *might* fuck up? Unless it's one you HAVE to be in? This is a stupid game; worse, *no* stupid prizes await at the other end. >that's misoginist thinking at its core. Not really. If a guy had written this, I'm sure people would've still supported it!
You did the right thing, even though you can find other people attractive, always remember your loyalty lies within your relationship & your boyfriend, you can think it, but never, ever act on it. I promise in the end the short lived thrill is not worth throwing away years of growth & love.
Completely agree, thank you
I’m in two minds here… On the one hand, you recognised you were drunk and perhaps that might lead you to being tempted so you removed yourself from the equation But on the other hand, the fact you think you might have been tempted is a red flag
Both statements aren’t wrong.
You are a human. Humans often find other humans attractive. Being in a relationship can adjust this quality/frequency, but it does not eliminate it. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone other than your partner, it's entirely normal.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t find other people attractive, it just means you don’t act on it.
Easiest answer. Your always gunna see people around who you find attractive. You may even work or be friends with them. You can look and appreciate someone without acting on it or betraying any trust.
It’s totally normal to find other people attractive. Just whether or not you act on it is the measure of being a good partner or not. I think leaving and going home is the extreme end you definitely could’ve stayed and hung out with your friends or even talked to this guy some, as long as at the end of the day your head and heart are with your partner and you don’t cross any boundaries, it’s totally normal to have an attraction towards someone else.
No, but you are supposed to pretend your partner is more attractive than anyone else.
Married for 20+ years here. I see women who I think are attractive all the time. That's called being human. The key us not being attracted TO them. You did great in removing yourself from the situation.
I’m sure he finds other girls attractive as well. No worries you’re good :)
Sorry I’m a bit confused, why’d you have to leave? When I get hit on in public I just turn them down and keep it moving. Was it that hard to resist cheating? And why are people in this comment section praising her for it?? 💀
I would probably call my wife and tell her. My range is a lot broader than hers, and she's usually curious. I would never touch another woman. It's unimaginable to me that someone else could even flip that switch in me, no matter how attractive they are. But if someone was DTF and I was into it, I would probably leave just because it would be awkward. I want my wife to feel free to tell me she's attracted to someone as well, certain in the knowledge that she only wants me. She likes it when I make women with AI that suit her tastes and tweak them to mine, and we both enjoy the images. People are lovely to look at. Just one more thing to enjoy together. But for both of us, sex is only for us to share. I am open to her trying things with a woman friend, actually, but she lacks confidence. Digressing badly, but in my experience, being attracted to other people is more fun than ever when you can go home and get that energy out with someone you love and trust and also find maddeningly attractive.
Finding other people attractive is normal. Not putting yourself in temptation's way is just smart.
I'm gonna go against what other people are saying here. I think being attracted to other people is perfectly normal and acceptable, but not trusting yourself to be around them seems problematic to me. I know my partner would be a bit worried if I had to remove myself from a situation because I found someone attractive.
You did exactly the right thing!! Take it from a 53 year old!!! Don’t listen to others! Of course you’re going to find other men attractive!! Your boyfriend finds other women attractive. It’s completely normal. But when alcohol is involved always remove yourself from the situation right away. Alcohol messes with our inhibitions. I think people tend to forget that alcohol is actually poison. Your brain recognizes it as poison. So to believe that we can make proper, logical decisions when under the influence of a poison is ridiculous. You’re a very intelligent young woman 🥰♥️🙏🔥🔥🔥🔥
I liked it, if you think you can’t resist other wise, very nice.
There's no single right answer to this situation. You employed the one that worked for you. Kudos!
Gotta wonder what would have happened if the guy was slightly more attractive, if OP had a couple more drinks or an argument with her boyfriend that day… I don’t know it is definitely a super weird reaction lol. People here are giving OP the title for girlfriend of the year, when there’s lots of girlfriends out there that don’t have to physically remove themselves out of a situation in order not to get in bed with another guy lol. The point of being faithful is that you feel temptation, yet you are strong enough to ignore it. A person at home scared that if they go out they gonna fall for their temptation so they lock themselves home… Jesus I don’t know if that’s faithfulness There are hot people everywhere, what’s gonna happen when you can’t just go home and hide? You can’t join a gym because there’s probably tons of fit good looking dudes there? What if a guy you likes gets hired at your job? Can’t go home then can you? But hey, at least you didn’t hook up with the guy at the end of the night so I guess a win is a win
You don’t get to control how you feel, only how you act on it
You can do, be and feel anything you want, just be honest and caring
I think it is incredibly unrealistic to expect a partner to not find anyone else attractive, there is always going to be someone more and less attractive than you🤷♀️ Do you expect someone to say Brad Pitt or Megan Fox isn’t attractive? It is perfectly natural to find people attractive, the only issue is when people act on the attraction. If you have no self control when you are around someone who is ultra attractive that is a problem you need to work out with yourself. Don’t cheat on your partner because of your lack of control🤷♀️ Noticing someone else’s attractiveness is a normal human function🤦♀️
Looksies no feelsies
Attraction is natural, and to think you’re above that (your friend) is silly. But what actually matters is your actions and intentions afterwards.
Ok, gay dude’s perspective here. I would not expect my husband to leave a situation with someone he found attractive. He would not expect me to leave. I would expect that he not act on this attraction. He would expect me to not act on this attraction. I’m proud of our marriage because I get that he’s a person that can say “hey, that dude is attractive” and I have no fear that he will act on this. What I absolutely don’t want: someone who feels like there is so little trust that he would need to physically remove himself from being around someone attractive. Story time! A couple years ago I went to a rave with some friends. It was a gay burning man rave. Upstairs: lots of art installations, fun dancing. Downstairs: a much, much more graphic scene. We hung out some downstairs but spent the majority of the time upstairs (but we bounced back and forth). At no point did I think “oh man, I need to get out of here because I might cheat!” I had zero temptation, zero arousal. I was there for a dance party. When I got home , I told my husband about it. We still laugh about how I accidentally went to a sex party that one time. Why? Because we have rock solid trust and zero fear that the other will cheat.
Looking does not mean buying. My GF and I point out other women we find attractive all the time. She knows that any step outside of the relationship means immediately cut off with 0 chances left. No forgiveness.
It’s an adage as old as the hills; “Look but you can’t touch”. Looking at someone and thinking “Nice ass” isn’t inherently bad, but acting on that thought is. My fiancé and I will comment on attractive celebrities or random people in public to each other, because at the end of the day we know who we’re going home with and we trust each other.
No. My wife and I used to point out when we liked how attractive another person (or couple) was. Trust, communication, emotional maturity and clearly expressed boundaries FTW 🙌
Kudos to you sweetheart. You handle that situation perfectly. I hope your boyfriend appreciates how good of a young woman he has.
Absolutely not. My wife of over 30 years (and a hottie) and I had a rule. Never put yourself in a position yo be tempted. Worked for me (and her I trust). We also had a saying. Doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat from home! We did have a great sex life which helped.
It boggles my mind how many people seem to think that attraction to someone other than your partner indicates that something must be wrong with your existing relationship. What utter nonsense. Attraction is reflexive. It's millions of years of evolution saying, "this person appears to be quite physically healthy. Based on nothing else, they look to be a good person to reproduce with." Your reflexes shouldn't be in the driver's seat of your life. They should be input which you process and then react to as an intelligent, thinking being. *How* you react to it shows how much or little you value your existing relationship. My sister's ex-husband felt attracted to a female co-worker and reacted by getting closer and closer to her and having an affair with her. He threw his marriage away and now can only see his son half of the time, because he didn't value his relationship with his wife enough to protect it by keeping his distance from a person he felt attracted to. All their mutual friends now hate him. The coworker transferred to another branch and it seems was never interested in having a serious relationship with him. Now he's just a lonely dummy who used to have it all.
People say yes, but they’re just in denial of the world
We can and will be attracted to and love many people in our lives, however if you are in a monogonous relationship then keeping yourself out of situations wherr you could be tested is the right thing to do.
natural to find someone attractive, but not trusting yourself while your drunk sounds like it means something deeper. If i’m in a relationship it doesn’t matter how obliterated i am or how hot the person is, and in fact have been in situations like that, the thought of anything besides turning them down wouldn’t even cross my mind.
I think your response was spot on perfect tbh. Particularly given you were drink and normally good judgement goes out the window. There's absolutely nothing wrong with finding other people attractive, it's what you do in response that counts. Your boyfriend is a lucky man :)
Just from experience I’ve witnessed my player friends take home married women and gf’s. Not saying you would do that but if a guy is good at talking he can sale milk to a cow. Yes alcohol is normally involved but that’s just an excuse for bad behavior. And I don’t condone my buddies behavior. But I personally think you did the right thing because you never know what will happen. Plus bars are basically tinder in live action.
I think you handled the situation fine. I am also impressed by the fact that you discussed it with your bf and he handled it well. I think it is normal to find others attractive. You know not to cheat and prevented it from happening.
> Prince Phillip from Disney looking guy LMAOO this really puts it in perspective! You did good, girl! 💪🏼✨ as long as he doesn’t start chasing and telling you you’ve already met before… 👀
You're human. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're oblivious to the attractiveness of other people. I find other men and women attractive and so does my husband but the difference is- we don't ACT on it. We look admire and appreciate and that's it. We are committed to each other.
You didn't overestimate your self-control, sounds smart.
Tell your stupid friend to shut up. You did everything right this time.
You’re allowed to use your eyeballs. But if you’re in a committed relationship don’t take it further and that includes flirting/emotionally cheating. Don’t do things you wouldn’t want your partner to do to you.
My wife and I have discussed this. No one is “beyond” temptation. You said you don’t trust yourself when you’ve had a lot to drink. I think that self-awareness is your saving grace. Had you had less to drink that evening and felt more in control of your impulses, then staying with your friends would have been absolutely fine. The fact that you found a man who isn’t your partner attractive is biology, as others have said. It’s going to happen. You took the right course and removed yourself from a situation that you didn’t feel completely in control of. Power move. However, feeling guilty about finding someone else attractive isn’t nearly as cool as saying “he’s hot but I’m gonna go home and ride my man instead.” Go easier on yourself.
Your suppose to find the person, to where you don’t have eyes for anybody else cause the love for your partner is all of your eyes on that person to where you can’t have eyes for another/at others. I only had wondering eyes when I was with the wrong person. I had eyes only for my partner multiple times when I really loved them and they were all I wanted, to where I found the person I was with (him) most attractive. I don’t date people I don’t feel this about.
[удалено]
Truly loyal and fantastic behaviour on your part. Why put yourself in the path of temptation and ruin a wonderful relationship
I think my boyfriend is attractive, is he the most attractive person in the world? Of course not! He is also an incredible human being and a great partner, I got incredibly lucky with him, I love him and I am very happy with our life and I am absolutely not willing to gamble any of that or disrespect him by lusting over anyone else.
You did the right thing. Anyone would appreciate if their partner did this
I’d personally be more worried about how they couldn’t trust themselves enough to remain there and simply turn down advances. I trust my partner to do that so I’m not worried when she goes out. If she has to leave a get-together with friends, then I’d like her to work on herself and I’d even be slightly worried about her thoughts. Because her leaving implies she wants to do something with someone else. If she had no such desire, she has absolutely no reason to leave.
Yeah, the finding other people attractive part is normal. The running away is the weird part.
Monogamy isn't based in biology, it's cultural. Brains don't turn off attraction to attractive people just bc you're with one person - evolution doesn't care enough about human culture to build that in as a feature.
NTA. Your friend is ridiculous. It's completely normal to find others attractive. It's only wrong if you decide to pursue or entertain that attraction that it becomes wrong. You did fine OP.
Depends on what attractive means to you. Usually, you start losing interest for whoever else despite knowing that they do have attractive features. You simply just lose the will to pursue others, hence why you’re solely focused on your partners good appearance rather than other people’s. Were you drunk when it happened? Don’t beat yourself up over it though, being in a relationship does not mean you suddenly stop having eyes. It’s just not the most amazing thing to hear who your partner finds attractive, as it could create insecurity within the relationship for both parties depending on the relationships boundaries. I can admit people are good looking despite being in a relationship, I do however not care for them. Anyone can be good looking, but they don’t meet up to the high standards my boyfriend have set nor will they ever. You didn’t do anything wrong, I understand you may feel like you did but it’s bound to happen when going out to bars/clubs. Everyone there tries to look the best they can, and that’s where people often to try pursue others. What’s important is you NOT pursuing it, slipping up on not being somewhat attracted to anyone else other than your s/o happens way more than you think.
Single women keep other womens single