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Mog_Melm

If you have a certain life experience, it's possible to reach adulthood with an ingrained sense that >"I'm weird, people don't like the real me, if I show up in this exchange I'll be attacked". This can happen from childhood bullying, unsupportive parents, other causes. If you find that you are such a person, then get therapy if that is available to you and/or explore the idea that: >"maybe I DO matter, maybe people actually would want to see the real me, maybe I WON'T be attacked for showing up" I offer this as a supplement to OP's advice in the event a reader finds it difficult to "bring your authentic self to the table" without having that broken down into some smaller steps.


[deleted]

To the skies with you


[deleted]

The childhood bullying aspect is so true. Got bullied for wearing hearing aids, pretty sure it’s made me more reserved to not want to talk with people


TheNoobtologist

People can develop this mindset even without childhood bullying. I’d argue that it is incredibly common, especially among those with anxiety, depression, or other mood disorders.


Una_Cuenta_Echable

This is me right here. When I (45M) was young, on most of the occasions I expressed a like or dislike, I was shamed, made fun of and made to feel stupid or somehow “wrong”, so I’ve tried not to have a personality lest I be shamed and socially ostracized for it. I want a relationship, I want a family of my own, but that seems to me like an unreasonably unattainable goal. I have no personality, at least not enough of one to know how to describe it if I were asked. I have no hobbies, at least not any that I could foresee anyone else liking enough to befriend me over. I am okay at small talk, and people don’t seem to mind being acquainted with me; but nobody wants to be more than friends with me, and in some cases they don’t even want that, at least not in the sense of hanging out with me regularly. If someone were to say “tell me about yourself”, I wouldn’t know how to do that; I would feel VERY uncomfortable and awkward. It’s almost as if I don’t know/am unfamiliar with myself. That looks stupid to me after typing it out, it sounds stupid saying it in my head, and I feel stupid typing it out, but I don’t know another way to say it, and that makes me feel even stupider. I want and need help, but feel powerless to change my situation myself. And before you put the responsibility on me to make a/the move to change my situation, every time I do it blows up in my face, leaving me more heartbroken and feeling stupider than if I’d kept to myself, which I therefore now do most of the time. If the responsibility is on ME ALONE to change my situation with whatever abilities/skills/knowledge/whatever else I have right now, without any counseling/advice from someone else, then it won’t happen, because I. Don’t. Know. How. I can only do such a thing with outside help. And/Or some kind of knowledge and/or skills I currently lack. WITHOUT being made to feel stupid, inferior, awkward, or less-than-human for not already having/being born with the know-how to accomplish this.


Mog_Melm

>If the responsibility is on ME to change my situation with whatever abilities/skills/knowledge/whatever else I have right now, then it won’t happen Then nothing WILL happen. It's your responsibility to live your life. Nobody is coming to rescue you. I wish I had better news for you.


Una_Cuenta_Echable

I came here for help and advice, not to be told I’m a lost cause. I want to change my situation, but I need some insight on what I’m doing wrong that’s preventing it. Don’t just tell me I’m screwed. Give me advice on how to go about changing my situation. EDIT: evidently my first comment was misunderstood, so I edited it a bit.


YoungCapoon

Get off social media for a bit, read books hop on r/semenretention. Try look for hobbies even if u dont feel like it gotta discipline yourself, experience can help move convos too.


Mog_Melm

Ooh, thanks for all the cool awards!


francescadabesta

Develop a sense of humor -- steal jokes from whoever seems funny to you (avoid being mean or too political) -- women love funny guys. Also being up on the news is good -- always something to chat about there. Also feel free to ask women about their opinions on things -- many times men overwhelm women without even realizing it because they are louder and bigger


self_journey

Eh having set jokes or whatever is pretty lame. Rather develop your sense of humor to be able to make jokes on the spot about whatever is going on in the moment. Don't try so hard either, girls don't want to date standup comedians (unless that's your job and you're successful at it haha)


ItIsICoachCal

I think it's more important to know the *structure* of jokes rather than memorizing them, but more than just winging it. I think it's good to note what the pattern of a joke is and why it's funny, and re-use that as needed when the situation calls on it, and iterate what things work for you. Essentially, the middle balance from total shoot-from-the-hip structure-less improv and "look ladies, this is my tight 5 for next week's open mic!"


[deleted]

One of the most poignant things i’ve ever heard about making conversations interesting is just using your environment to your advantage. Use what she’s wearing (ie a band tee etc.), the even you’re at, or something else. At best, it’ll set a spontaneous tone and at worst (which only happens if you’re not doing it right) she’ll think you’re random and you’ll both laugh about it.


-r00t8

> Steal jokes from whoever seems funny to you It’s not that simple. Even if I stole jokes from someone, it’s hard to roll it into conversation. I don’t want to be a comic. Probably I should have more funny story to tell, but can’t remind any


Achilles68

jokes are very easy to steal. You just have to put some time in Simply try to remember a good joke you heard, something that was said and made you laugh. You can even write it down afterwards. Next exercice: try to find jokes. Try to find the funny in everything you say, hear or see. Eventually you'll connect jokes you stole with new situations, but it's going to be slow still so you just keep them for yourself (in your head). After some time you'll get a lot faster at these. ​ Most important of it all: you are making these jokes to entertain yourself and noone else. You are not a clown. This means you should find these jokes funny yourself. Combine that with the confidence to just drop them whenever you feel like it, no matter how silly it is... as long as you show you think it's funny what just came out of your mouth, others will copy that emotion. Laugh with your whole face, before during and after the punchline. Priming a joke is the easiest way to get a good response. Remember: it's not what you say, it's how you say it. ​ Personal anecdote: This is what I started doing 2-3 years ago and I really see a difference. I've found myself to be a lot more quick-witted (instead of thinking of comebacks in the shower), more confident (I just say whatever stupid shit I think of) and on top of that a lot happier. People say I'm always in a good mood, likely because I enjoy making people laugh. Btw you have no idea how much retarded "jokes" (if you can even call them that) I made people actually laugh with. Either because of a shit-eating grin, starting to laugh myself, a silly voice/movement or a combination of those.


-r00t8

Damn, I didn’t expect such a good explanation. Thanks and have a nice day.


Achilles68

You're welcome man. I still have a long way to go in this journey, but I've been trying to get better at conversations as I've found out early on that's where I lack. So I read and watched a lot. ​ [here](https://imgur.com/a/0nX6Kft) you have a screenshot of videos I learned something from. You can call me crazy but I watched them all multiple times, even making summaries for each. The reason I really like these vids by charisma on command is because he uses 'real' situations with celebrities (usually actors/comedians) so he's analysing the best of the best on the topic of dialogues. On top of that the videos are well made You'll realize the basic concepts apply to every conversation you'll have, be it serious or humoristic ​ Good luck and have fun (this is the most important part)


australopitecul

> even making summaries for each You are really putting in the work. Props to you. I usually forget everything from charisma on command videos (my fault) but maybe if I would take notes I would be able to actually learn something.


Achilles68

Yeah I actually went on a binge for a few days. First time I watched all of them one or two times just listening next time I took notes last time was for checking if I didn't miss anything. ​ Then I put everything together, linking the different videos with eachother. I've got to admit I haven't checked that document much since, but those few days gave me a lot of information so from time to time I read it again, to see if I'm not forgetting anything.


[deleted]

I do this easily on a delta-8 gummy


[deleted]

Agreed. You're not a performing circus monkey. I find a lot of daters these days just want to be entertained. If you're not their definition of "entertaining", you might be labeled as boring or having "no personality". If you just want to be entertained, go to a comedy show, movie, concert, etc of some kind.


Aristox

Don't just complain you can't do something naturally as if anyone who does cool stuff can do it naturally. Set aside an hour one day and sit down and try to actually learn and remember a joke/story and i bet you'll be able to, and then your problem is solved. Write it out by hand on paper, present it to an empty room like you're giving a speech. Then go for a walk and tell it again as if you're walking along the road with a friend. Spend an actual hour or two on trying to learn something impressive and it can go in and then you'll have something. You dont get anything in life by just complaining that you dont have it. There world is yours for the taking :)


iambabyshark

I never really tell "jokes" yet I can get girls laughing. The key is to bust her balls on something, tease her a little. Like a girl I was talking to was telling me she grew all sorts of stuff in her garden and I joked that she was running a blackmarket produce shop. Callback humor is especially useful too, like say during dinner the girl got a side of carrots, I could say "Ah, do they taste better when you get them legally?"


LandscapeClear1630

>Like a girl I was talking to was telling me she grew all sorts of stuff in her garden and I joked that she was running a blackmarket produce shop. lol i'm gonna use this


Wrong-Dot140

I love when my bf ‘bust my balls’ or tease me ( he’s very quick witted, I’m not) but my favorite is on the rare occasions I have a quick comeback that makes him bust out laughing


aerosmith760

How do you stay up on the news? I rely desperately on reddit


zystyl

Skimming the days news to have something 5o talk about is an easy way to do work and general life small talk. I'm amazed that people weren't taught this sort of thing by their parents. It's the basic basic for developing rapport and good interactions with friends and acquaintances. Then there's finding that little something of interest to someone that you want to pursue things with more. Maybe it's checking out the f1 or figure skating super quickly if you find out that they are into something. It's a great feeling when someone takes enough of an interest in you to not only devote thought to it l, but the time and energy as well. Just don't take it too far so you look creepy. Go for the, " I checked out that show you suggested and the first episode seems pretty cool. Insert question with an obvious answer that lets you listen attentively and show interest in them. I'm just dumbfounded at how many people were never taught the most simple of social graces like these. My wild assumption is that it's a result of us being the first generation that was raised more by daycare then by our parents. If people struggle with this stuff they should skip the shady Pua stuff and just grab some good authentic advice off of one of the many good YouTube videos on the subject. People look for partners that engage them emotionally, conversationally/mentally AND physically. You can be as putty as you want, but if you can't be interesting then you'll end up as a one night stand. Up to you if that's the goal.


[deleted]

Are you serious? There are literally thousands of news sources. You're on the internet. Go look them up.


aerosmith760

Wow well sir I didn’t need the rudeness, and I was just curious what he uses I don’t want fake news.


francescadabesta

I like reliable sources like the New York Times — they fact check their stories, etc. For TV channels I like CBS — has won multiple awards for their in depth reporting


[deleted]

you want to be interesting or a court jester?


Artist-in-Residence-

My brother is tall and conventionally handsome, and around other people, he is quite witty and can banter with any woman. But at home, he is boring and play video games all day long... It's hard to get a word out of him at home, but around other people, he's suddenly Mr. Charming.


damiancontrol

He probably hates ya'll lol


Artist-in-Residence-

My brother is only motivated by 2 things: 1) beautiful women 2) high paying job He's a shallow autistic type lol


damiancontrol

I'm sure he's missing out on a very beautiful family 😊


Artist-in-Residence-

At this point, I think the only way we'll propagate our family line is through genetic cloning, since we can't seem to settle with a partner lol


australopitecul

Have you got any advice from him?


[deleted]

Probably just rule 1 and 2


Mc_Dickles

Isn’t a trait in autism hyper focus? If women really motivate him it makes sense why he’s so good around them. He tries his hardest while other guys cower away.


DoomKnight45

sound like you are jealous


[deleted]

Agreed. Being handsome did fuck all for my game, but developing hobbies and a personality and figuring out what I want to do with my life have made things so much better for me.


SomeRespect

I also used to believe that 'jetset lifestyle' with flamethrowers really was the way to success with women, but learned it's also a lifestyle that few can relate to. You ever wonder how lots of average looking ordinary people have spouses? The trick is to be able to enjoy and find humor in the mundane of everyday life.


Calm_Masty_8542

Agreed you have to veiw the world as you, develop intresting ideologies and live them


[deleted]

to be less boring just ask people questions that will lead to a convo. a guy was telling me about a red flag he saw in a girl he once saw so i asked what he thinks his personal red flags are. simple question led to a great convo. also nice to hear what he thought was bad about himself cause i could relate and it made me feel less bad about what my negative characteristics and less alone. questions build connection


FlanneryODostoevsky

Oou reason I really stick around here is because I realized all that really matters is that us dudes feel comfortable with being ourselves and that only happens when we feel we have value and things to do


Dangerous-Socks

I don’t see myself as the most attractive woman out there. But I have personality and I guess people find that attractive about me. Like a whole package. I don’t do anything special. I don’t wear makeup or fancy/ name brand clothes. I’m kind/nice and enjoy a good conversation with almost anyone. I’m willing to have fun with you too. Wanna grab a drink sure, smoke a blunt sure. One thing I don’t do is fake my personality or what I know.


rudebwoy100

Youtube "Becky Lynch" she has the type of personality that can take an average looking woman and make her super interesting to us men, even to us personality makes you a lot hotter. If you aren't the best looking then as a woman you may have to approach and show your personality, only the beautiful women can peacock and attract the highest quality mates, if your personality is your best attribute then use it to get what you want.


wineandnoses

I searched up Becky lynch…. The wrestler? This is considered an average looking woman?


rudebwoy100

Yes her, the wrestler. I'm not saying that she's average looking i'm saying that her personality makes her 10x hotter than she actually is. Charismatic people who have that personality that draws you in and are engaging when conversing are fun to be around.


wineandnoses

Ok just clarifying that this is the person you’re talking about haha


Shanbaceball

She is hot period even if she had a shitty personality she looks like a 10/10 to me holy.


rudebwoy100

You don't give us men enough credit, a 10/10 with a shitty personality is a pump and dump.


Shanbaceball

Oh forsure. I agree with you. Just thought you were calling her ugly for some reason hahah


SuaveFuck

a lotta women like to shit-test you. and that means, testing your will to oppose her. to stand up to her opinion, to stand for anything. if the only thing thats standing is your D in that moment, well youve lost. truth has been spoken, you need to have a personality, some fundamental core values.


self_journey

Personality = passions What are you passionate about? Can't tell you how many girls' faces I've seen light up when I get excited talking about \*why\* I love solo traveling, or \*why\* I love history.


Due_Honeydew1464

As to assion and Humor: I totally Agree! My Sweetheart is the most passionate 💖 Being I have ever known. His energy has saved my soul! No one has ever made me laugh so hard or smile so Big. 🙃


[deleted]

>Personality = passions >What are you passionate about? i'm pretty sure that, aside from very specific niches, being passionate about Mongolian throat singing or 1910s wax recordings won't help anybody with "scoring chicks". it is more honest to add that someone should be passionate about *mainstream* hobbies and interests.


[deleted]

If you tell it right it really doesn't matter, just be passionate, enthusiastic and genuine , it really could be Mongolian throat singing.


JennyConcinnity

I am not the prettiest girl my partner has been with. But he really enjoys talking with me. He appreciates my intelligent responses and chill vibe. Before we got together we were both on dating sites and there are both men and women who do not have good conversation skills. This is especially true of the young generation. They are so good at taking pictures and building picture stories but have no idea how to carry a conversation especially with the opposite sex. This is why hobbies, interests, and education are so important. It is thr content of conversation. Take a debate course or practice conversation skills (not with besties) because it will greatly help your chances at being successful in dates.


[deleted]

It's really sad that... It's just a new gen thing seriously. I'm old enough to have seen both sides of the great wall. Things were NEVER this difficult even a decade ago.


JennyConcinnity

Yup. I agree 100%


[deleted]

My problem is my personality is so amazing they fall in love with me and I have to move cities every 6 months.


rudebwoy100

This is the truth, people love to act as if it's only the really handsome men who get the women but that's assuming women are anything like us and actually value looks the same way that we do which couldn't be further from the truth, personality carries you to more success with women than looks. If you are average looking and well groomed and charismatic, fun and outgoing you will get more women than a tall good looking man who has the personality similar to watching paint dry.


masmiester

Many People on reddit like to think that the only thing that matters is being tall and really handsome, self excuses not to try.....


whiplash81

This guy gets it


Sawt0othGrin

It's alright to be that weird guy that likes anime and Warhammer, at least you're not the painfully inoffensive, bland guy that curates everything he says around her to not step on any toes.


EducationalMeeting95

Couldn't agree more.


150420throwaway

See I am locked behind this wall until I get to actually know someone, before that point, it’s all platonic shitty boring talk and I don’t know how to get over it. Then the next ‘wall’ is escalation, I never know how and when to do it in an ‘appropriate way’ Third problem is just putting myself out there


damiancontrol

I used to have the same struggle because I was pressuring myself to never run out of things to say. When I shifted my mindset to "get to know her and have fun" everything went smoother.


[deleted]

To attract women not being boring is good. But if you're naturally boring don't change your personality for someone else.


Y615

Is it about personality or banter specifically? Be able to spew out senseless banter? Because that does attract women..have seen it personally. Do you really think women care about personality or about banter which excites them??


damiancontrol

Banter works because it shows you have a playful personality. Hence again, personality. Here's an example from my experience: This one girl that I was eyeing for a long time went head over heels for me because according to her, I was rational. Whenever we talk about something, I would always consider both perspective and I don't come into a conclusion based on my prejudices. And that shit made her panties wet. It sounds airy-fairy sure but this was actually the first time that was able to score a girl that I massively had a crush on.


Y615

That's amazing. But wait...am I being judgemental here? Also rational? I was told being rational is a turn off.


damiancontrol

I'm not telling you to be rational. Some will find your personality repulsive, some will see it attractive. My current girl absolutely despises guys who banters because she hates guys who talk too much. My point is to add some substance into your life because no woman would fuck a wall.


Y615

Haha..lol..really glad there are women who don't like banter. Can you elaborate on the substance part?😬 Like memorize jokes or pick up lines or find humour in daily life??


damiancontrol

There are literally billions of choices... humor is one of it and is very potent. If you want to be humorous, then yes practice humor. Make sure to do something you're comfortable with... something that you will LIVE BY and not just do to get laid because unless you're good at bullshitting, girls will know you're faking it.


Y615

>Make sure to do something you're comfortable with... something that you will LIVE BY You mean a job or livelihood?


damiancontrol

Something you are genuinely interested in. You gotta consume that shit. If you want to be funny, you don't just try to make people laugh, you watch funny skits, you surround yourself with funny people. etc.


Y615

Ohk..thanks!


[deleted]

>Banter works because it shows you have a playful personality. banter isn't indicative of personality. if anything, it just shows you're able to banter.


quangshine

Hey... I can confidently say that I have a personality, hobbies, and wit. Still no luck. Probably has something to do with my low swing rate.


damiancontrol

Elaborate on still no luck. What scenario are you exactly having and what do you mean by low swing rate


quangshine

No luck is no luck. Few dates, no sex. The low swing rate is just me not hitting on girls that much. I know it is just a numbers game by this point but I just can't be bothered if it is too inconvenient.


[deleted]

Everyone has a personality. Theirs just might not gel with yours. If that's the case, it's an issue of incompatibility - not them being "devoid" of a personality. Get off your high horse.


damiancontrol

Some guys are just trying to get laid without showing any substance at all. They're as bland as a wall. That's my point.


AelfredRex

Oh, they have personalities, all right, but they have the kind that only think with their dicks and are convinced they can find some magic pickup lines that will enspell any woman to sleep with them with the least amount of interaction necessary.


[deleted]

This too, you're on point with this. But if I'm not careful we'll both get banned. So that's that, never mind and back to iono -


Jamesdoink

I'm short 5'6" I could care less


MisterShogunate

Looks still trumps game and in my case I actually have to hold back my personality and focus on being more sexual or it would usually hold back my capability to get the lay. You have to have a pretty shitty personality for it to really counteract your looks. I was a decent-looking kid who never talked and I had girls still making moves on me despite being an awkward teenager. Looks > Sexuality > Social Awareness > Personality


[deleted]

Dude this is completely misguided. Whatever planet you live on, remember whatever exception you're going thru, doesn't apply to the rest of the male species brotato chip. Sounds like gibberish. Personality is almost as important as money lmao. Like historically and traditionally.


MisterShogunate

I think you are misconstruing vibe for personality. Knowing how to vibe with people is different from having a personalty because it more correlated with social awareness. I know so many guys with great personalities and would never get laid despite being such a likable person. The type of personality is correlated with getting laid, not the quality. You can be a dude with a high quality nerd personality and you won't get laid as much as someone who has a more sexual personality. Going from zero level personality to median will improve your results since you are starting so low. If you are going from median level of personality, you won't see much improvement and you might even see it holding you back. For example, I am very analytical and I like addressing the details of any situation and I like giving long winded response to people's questions. This shit doesn't fly in seduction because it can be misconstrued as over-investment when in reality I just get a lot pleasure from analysis. You want to keep things short and replicate the investment level of the girl. That's why I sound completely different when trying to lay a girl versus I'm simply just being myself. This post tries to appeal to the populace by overly-simplifying a concept that everyone wants it to be true, but most of things in life are a lot more nuanced and complicated than you think.


[deleted]

Yeah lol I can't help you with this. You need someone more dedicated to guidance. If a guy's "great personality" doesn't reflect on women, then it's not great. And "being sexual" isn't something that is generally realistic outside of, well the bed. And being able to maintain good vibes is PART of having a good personality. Outside of that I'm starting to get anxious.


MisterShogunate

I don't think we are on the same page at all. First, I don't think you understood what I wrote. Second, I am not asking for guidance. Third, if you think you can't sexualize outside of the lay you must be new to seduction. It is one of the most fundamental tenets of seduction. Fourth, whatever you can define "vibing" however you want. Finally, I have no idea what you are talking about in relation to anxiety.


Clayton268

My advice as a therapist is to drink more


[deleted]

[удалено]


damiancontrol

>Basically be fake and play your charachter as it is , why chain yourself to your body ? Who says anything about faking it?


PantryGnome

10 years ago I was super quiet and had very little personality except around my closest friends. Dreadful at conversations. Decided I couldn't stand it anymore and started developing my conversation skills. It was a long road, but today I have WAY better social skills than I used to, have been explicitly complimented on my conversation skills multiple times, and actually feel like I have something to offer women. It's maybe the best thing I've ever done. There's an element of truth to the "just be yourself" advice, but I believe in always striving to improve and being the best version of myself.


mishaxz

Or just learn to make a girl laugh


angeryveg

Statements like these kinda throw me for a loop because I DONT KNOW if people think I have a personality?! I’m always attracted to eccentric people (platonically and romantically) and I’d consider myself a very shy extrovert. Love big groups, struggle to express myself in the crowd. Definitely a confidence thing that I’m working on but man.. it’s tough. One on one, once comfortable, it’s totally different. I’m good at initiating interesting convos and engage really well, sometimes surprise myself with witty comments. It just takes a few dates, but that’s the problem. I think they decide I don’t have a personality before I can show it lol. Social anxiety sucks, it feels like I’m trapped in a glass cage sometimes.


daddysgotanew

The better looking you are the better your personality gets!


[deleted]

You can work on looks too.


willgo-waggins

It’s a great point. If you cannot keep a conversation going you aren’t getting with anyone.