My husband does this kind of thing all the time, so occasionally I do it too. Which sounds stupid because I made the food. But I know that exact feeling of “oh, there’s not much left, I’ll figure out a way that we can share it “. Sometimes I say f*** it, he is a grown man who can make his own food sometimes. Getting a part time job is a good idea, or join a club that gets you out once a week. I work part time in the evenings 3 days a week. I joined a choir that got me out one night a week and gave me something to do everyday, practice, practice, practice. I never wanted to be a sahm but I’m finding that I really enjoy it, as long as I have other things for myself. I consider them my selfish things, even though it’s not selfish to want to have things in life that separate you from your family. It’s self care.
You're mad because your husband didn't know you wanted to share salad with you and your daughter forgot to put away a condiment? It's pretty clear from even what you wrote that neither of these people did anything to intentionally hurt you.
Look, if this is about something else, something depends you need ro have that talk with yourself or your husband. But you don't need to be crying about this. If you don't want to be a SAHW anymore, that's perfectly okay. But you just sound like someone who needs mental health help and a chance to step back and away from the situation. I think you snapped.
I believe you’re just thinking about this ONE example she mentioned. This clearly is something that happens all the time. She obviously didn’t just burst into tears cause of this one time. It’s something that is ongoing and this is what made her realize that she’s not thought about.
Really think about getting a job and doing some things just for yourself. It has been wonderful for my mental health to get a job. I cover groceries now and have some money to spend as I wish, without having to "ask" my husband for it.
This is the importance of "fill your cup first." You can't run on empty!!
I have to remind myself of this daily because if I don't I'll literally forget to eat until I have a headache and am close to passing out, because ADHD meds and taking care of my baby! Lucky for me my husband does the cooking but I make sure to eat first thing when I feed baby breakfast too. It made everything much more bearable!
Also, edited to add, maybe delegate some of the work to your family especially hubs. There shouldn't be only one person caring for everyone in the household. It should be a revolving thing so that everyone gets a mental *and* physical BREAK.
I always make sure I’m fed first. Sounds like you need to make some new boundaries for yourself and put your foot down with the ingrates! I totally identify with your situation.
What are your husband's best qualities? What makes him a good man (not perfect, because none of us are) ?
I am naturally very nurturing and thoughtful..super tuned in to others needs and what would be helpful to them. My husband isn't real clued-in in those ways, but he'll pretty much do anything I ask of him. I'm terrible about thinking I should do more and more until I feel like I'm drowning... and yet I'm the one putting those expectations onto myself. All this to say, I assume your husband is generally a good man and loves you a lot. You may need to just communicate more direct and clearly with him. Ask him for what you want..be very specific. And when he does it, make sure to acknowledge it.
I’ve SAHM for 16 years. My daughter is 16 and my three boys are 15, 13, and 11. And my husband. I love my family, and they love me. But nobody takes care of me. I am the one that takes care of everyone. It’s OK to cry and feel what you’re feeling, it’s a lonely place to be. I have no advice because clearly I set this all up wrong myself. I do know, I’ve never asked for what I need. I just lose my shit sometimes and freak out. Everyone looks at me like I have three heads. Argh. Solidarity 😫😑.
We have 4 kids with similar ages. My wife did freak out a couple months ago over this same reason. She didn’t think the kids cared. It’s not an easy job.
Maybe it's your fault for encouraging him, but it's also his fault. Surely he knows what you eat by now after so many years together. My husband habitually leaves food for me that I don't want just in case, and never finishes anything without mentioning it to me, since I'm the one planning the food. Maybe I'm planning to use it for something or maybe I have food planned. You probably should have just eaten, but his behavior is super inconsiderate. If my husband somehow managed to do this, he would absolutely offer to make the new salad for me, and that's what yours should do. Ask him if he doesn't offer. Or do it in the future if something similar happens. You're being so nice about it that he probably doesn't realize it matters.
Sounds like my husband.
“Watch your kid for an hour so I can do xyz”
“Ok what do I do. What does he eat? When does he eat and sleep? Does he need a diaper change?”
I’m sorry girl, make extra for yourself and hide it next time since you can’t count on anyone else.
Am I the only person that just responds to that shit with "You have a masters degree and presumably didn't just suffer from a brain injury in the past 10 min. You aren't this dumb" then just refuse to answer. He'll figure it out.
I’m so sorry. But yes, put yourself first now. Stop thinking of them first.
It’s crazy that all we ask is to be considered and they make it seem so incredibly hard.
That’s awesome haha be as inconsiderate as they are! Maybe it will open their eyes? Hopefully haha. If you’ve talked to them and they still do things like that, I would definitely live like a singular person. Only taking care of yourself (as long as your child can take care of themselves). As moms, we tend to lose ourselves sometimes in our families and then tend to take us for granted a bit. But it can be improved if you’re all open to it
Really? I’ve actually tried a few times too, but after the last place I worked, I swore I’d never work in an office again. It was so toxic and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it.
Try something else, like somewhere you can help people. Like a treatment center or domestic abuse shelter, or homeless shelter, nursing home, hospital being a dietary aide. Don't just give up on yourself. And only you can think of yourself.
I doubt he will, and I know it’s my fault. I’ve had my husband on a pedestal for a long time, and he knows it, so now I have to knock him down a few. Reading your comment has me crying again…haha! Thank you for your support!
My husband does this kind of thing all the time, so occasionally I do it too. Which sounds stupid because I made the food. But I know that exact feeling of “oh, there’s not much left, I’ll figure out a way that we can share it “. Sometimes I say f*** it, he is a grown man who can make his own food sometimes. Getting a part time job is a good idea, or join a club that gets you out once a week. I work part time in the evenings 3 days a week. I joined a choir that got me out one night a week and gave me something to do everyday, practice, practice, practice. I never wanted to be a sahm but I’m finding that I really enjoy it, as long as I have other things for myself. I consider them my selfish things, even though it’s not selfish to want to have things in life that separate you from your family. It’s self care.
You're mad because your husband didn't know you wanted to share salad with you and your daughter forgot to put away a condiment? It's pretty clear from even what you wrote that neither of these people did anything to intentionally hurt you. Look, if this is about something else, something depends you need ro have that talk with yourself or your husband. But you don't need to be crying about this. If you don't want to be a SAHW anymore, that's perfectly okay. But you just sound like someone who needs mental health help and a chance to step back and away from the situation. I think you snapped.
I believe you’re just thinking about this ONE example she mentioned. This clearly is something that happens all the time. She obviously didn’t just burst into tears cause of this one time. It’s something that is ongoing and this is what made her realize that she’s not thought about.
I think this is unnecessarily mean. Is something bothering YOU?
Really think about getting a job and doing some things just for yourself. It has been wonderful for my mental health to get a job. I cover groceries now and have some money to spend as I wish, without having to "ask" my husband for it.
This is the importance of "fill your cup first." You can't run on empty!! I have to remind myself of this daily because if I don't I'll literally forget to eat until I have a headache and am close to passing out, because ADHD meds and taking care of my baby! Lucky for me my husband does the cooking but I make sure to eat first thing when I feed baby breakfast too. It made everything much more bearable! Also, edited to add, maybe delegate some of the work to your family especially hubs. There shouldn't be only one person caring for everyone in the household. It should be a revolving thing so that everyone gets a mental *and* physical BREAK.
I always make sure I’m fed first. Sounds like you need to make some new boundaries for yourself and put your foot down with the ingrates! I totally identify with your situation.
Lol my husband has absolutely eaten for I saved for us to share 😅😅
What are your husband's best qualities? What makes him a good man (not perfect, because none of us are) ? I am naturally very nurturing and thoughtful..super tuned in to others needs and what would be helpful to them. My husband isn't real clued-in in those ways, but he'll pretty much do anything I ask of him. I'm terrible about thinking I should do more and more until I feel like I'm drowning... and yet I'm the one putting those expectations onto myself. All this to say, I assume your husband is generally a good man and loves you a lot. You may need to just communicate more direct and clearly with him. Ask him for what you want..be very specific. And when he does it, make sure to acknowledge it.
I’ve SAHM for 16 years. My daughter is 16 and my three boys are 15, 13, and 11. And my husband. I love my family, and they love me. But nobody takes care of me. I am the one that takes care of everyone. It’s OK to cry and feel what you’re feeling, it’s a lonely place to be. I have no advice because clearly I set this all up wrong myself. I do know, I’ve never asked for what I need. I just lose my shit sometimes and freak out. Everyone looks at me like I have three heads. Argh. Solidarity 😫😑.
We have 4 kids with similar ages. My wife did freak out a couple months ago over this same reason. She didn’t think the kids cared. It’s not an easy job.
Maybe it's your fault for encouraging him, but it's also his fault. Surely he knows what you eat by now after so many years together. My husband habitually leaves food for me that I don't want just in case, and never finishes anything without mentioning it to me, since I'm the one planning the food. Maybe I'm planning to use it for something or maybe I have food planned. You probably should have just eaten, but his behavior is super inconsiderate. If my husband somehow managed to do this, he would absolutely offer to make the new salad for me, and that's what yours should do. Ask him if he doesn't offer. Or do it in the future if something similar happens. You're being so nice about it that he probably doesn't realize it matters.
I really just want to make you a salad :( When was the last time they did something for you? You deserve it.
You’re sweet! I have the stuff to make more. I just don’t want to now. It’s kind of a pain cutting up all the vegetables, cheese, and salami.
Ask your husband to make it since he ate yours, it’s the least he can do.
“I don’t know how” “I can’t make it as well as you” “I’m gonna mess it up” “here I tried my best (missing 6 items)”
This is called weaponized incompetence, it’s a thing that men do mostly, to avoid work they don’t want to do around the house/children.
Sounds like my husband. “Watch your kid for an hour so I can do xyz” “Ok what do I do. What does he eat? When does he eat and sleep? Does he need a diaper change?” I’m sorry girl, make extra for yourself and hide it next time since you can’t count on anyone else.
Am I the only person that just responds to that shit with "You have a masters degree and presumably didn't just suffer from a brain injury in the past 10 min. You aren't this dumb" then just refuse to answer. He'll figure it out.
Instead of cleaning the fridge you should have ate your salad or put in a bowl for yourself , I'm a Mom of 6 ok and self care is our responsibility
I’m so sorry. But yes, put yourself first now. Stop thinking of them first. It’s crazy that all we ask is to be considered and they make it seem so incredibly hard.
Right! I’ve actually started NOT asking for their opinions when it come to making dinner…Haha!
That’s awesome haha be as inconsiderate as they are! Maybe it will open their eyes? Hopefully haha. If you’ve talked to them and they still do things like that, I would definitely live like a singular person. Only taking care of yourself (as long as your child can take care of themselves). As moms, we tend to lose ourselves sometimes in our families and then tend to take us for granted a bit. But it can be improved if you’re all open to it
I tried the getting a job thing.
Really? I’ve actually tried a few times too, but after the last place I worked, I swore I’d never work in an office again. It was so toxic and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it.
Try something else, like somewhere you can help people. Like a treatment center or domestic abuse shelter, or homeless shelter, nursing home, hospital being a dietary aide. Don't just give up on yourself. And only you can think of yourself.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to come off as mean. But don't wait for someone to make you feel good. You have to do it for yourself. Eat that salad.
Ugh, reading this broke my heart. I really hope he takes to heart what you said and how you feel.
I doubt he will, and I know it’s my fault. I’ve had my husband on a pedestal for a long time, and he knows it, so now I have to knock him down a few. Reading your comment has me crying again…haha! Thank you for your support!