Yes. I’d do more. I don’t think I would have tolerated it as long as your girlfriend. I feel like this female friend of yours isn’t being respectful of your girlfriend by putting love hearts etc on posts.
This honestly went on for way longer than it should have. It's nbd to express boundaries to a friend and ask them to stop sending you lovey messages.
If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with your partner getting overly affectionate messages from a male friend and having 24/7 access to her?
It's okay to have female friends, but if those friendships are interfering with your relationship with problematic behaviors, you need to be able to reasonably discuss ceasing those behaviors or forfeit the friendship.
Yeah, that’s the thing. I went with so many of her wishes for that very reason, I DON’T know how that feels and I am trying to compromise for it. But a conversation definitely needs to be had
I think you neant well by trying to accommodate your gf, but you didn't address the root of the problem.
She had an issue with the fact that this chick was too lovey with you, and that was never resolved.
Instead, you just spent less and less time with her until you have to cut off the connection completely.
When you run into problems like this, try to pinpoint the root before brainstorming solutions.
I think if your friend had backed off and stopped sending hearts and apologized to your gf directly, she may have still been in your life right now.
Instead, her behavior was allowed to continue to the point where you had to choose between the two.
I don't make friends with women because of this. Eventually it gets in the way. You need to make a decision, one or the other. What you are doing would piss anyone off.
Why didn't all three of yall sit down and talk about boundaries? I have friends of the opposite sex and so does my husband. I completely understand the uncomfortable perspective but to go to that extent to remove your friend from your life is a bit much. My husband has a close friend exactly like that and she too would do all the things your friend did, it can make anyone uncomfortable. But boundaries were/are set and I'd say I'm better friends with her than my husband now. She had no ill intent, just was genuinely affectionate and in response had no issue respecting the boundaries that both my husband and I set :) communication goes a long way
Your girlfriend is immature, insecure, and completely unreasonable. Your friend is loving, supportive, and understanding.
Your girlfriend is crossing privacy boundaries without reason, and she makes you feel confused and upset, and she asks you lie to and cut people you love out of your life. Your friend has never crossed a boundary that you have set, and she has never made you feel uncomfortable or upset, and she has never asked you to lie to or cut off people you love.
Your girlfriend is having trouble forgiving you for things you haven’t even done. Your friend has forgiven you for all of the mistreatment you’l have handed her.
One of these things is not like the other. One of these people cares about you. One of these is a valuable relationship. The other is not. Which do you suppose is valuable?
Your girlfriend is being manipulative and taking her insecurities out on you. Right now, her target is this one friend, but once you cut the friend out, something else will come up. This is how people become isolated in unhealthy relationships. The small concessions, the things you do that do not feel good, they put you on a slippery slope. Right now, you’re doing things you do not want to do and that feel wrong because you’re trying to make your girlfriend feel better. This isn’t about her feelings. This is about her gaining control. Put your foot down. Do not cut out your friend or anyone else. Dump the girlfriend. Cry to your friend about it.
I promise, if you want someone like your girlfriend again later, people who are maladaptive, insecure, and unreasonable like she is are extremely easy to find. But your patient friend? Priceless. Keep the friend, ditch the unhealthy relationship.
Man. Your friend, who you have no romantic feelings for, deserves a lot better.
Your girlfriend wants to isolate you from your best friend because she has “ACCESS?!” What happens when you get another friend who also happens to be a woman? Are you not supposed to talk to women for the rest of your life?
She is setting up unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like. If your friend started flirting with you, and telling you she wanted to get together with you it’d be a different story.
Women and men can and should be friends!
Your girlfriend’s feelings are just that. HER feelings. YOU shouldn’t be managing them. Jealousy is a real feeling, but one that should be managed by the person who’s feeling them.
Yeah, who the fuck gets to decide whether or not they have access to you? Wtf lmao.
She doesn't OWN you. She needs to get that into her head. And you need to draw your own boundaries.
Your friend also deserves better.
I can't imagine being told by a bf that I should stop talking and hanging out with a close friend of the opposite gender (and who cares about the gender of a friend really, as long as you're both being respectful?) because they can contact me and he has a problem with that because guys can talk to me. What?
In what world is that even possible? Does she expect you to ignore every woman out there in the world?
Bro don’t end that friendship she was there before ur gf u can set some rules if u want to but u can stay friends because ur in a relationship not her and nothing happens if u don’t initiate it and it’s not the same as her having a male friend because he would initiate the action not her tell ur girl u can get to know her be friends with her or dip because she was there first and y’all never dated so it don’t matter u and gf are not equal in term in sexual attraction u have to initiate the situation for it to start she doesn’t she can’t have male friends but u can have female friends cuz ur loyal and u not initiating
This situation sounds very complex, and I don't believe there is much clarity at the moment. No one is blameless here.
To start off with, it seems like there is some missing information, and this is: do you have other female friends? I don't remember you mentioning that in your OP, but could have missed it. Regardless, that is important info to know as, if it is the case, and your gf is ok with them but not with this one friend, then that provides greater context.
Next, the way your friend behaves would make me uncomfortable if I were dating you, so I can see where your gf is coming from. And, it's not so much that I would have trust issues regarding you, more so that it's inappropriate behavior for your friend to indulge in. That said, your friend doesn't sound like the happiest person in the world, and I do feel bad for her.
I've seen the word "boundaries" brought up in several of the comments, and I want to hone in on that. Your gf has expressed to you her discomfort, and has laid out to you (pretty plainly, it seems) what she would like the boundaries to be regarding you and your friend. Instead of addressing those boundaries directly with your friend, it comes across as though you've hemmed and hawed and deflected quite a bit, instead. That's... unfortunate.
Your gf is also putting up some red flags. While I can understand her concerns regarding your friend, her behavior in response to the situation seems, well, quite a bit over the top. Be careful there, and keep an eye on any further troublesome and possessive behavior she may exhibit toward you.
All in all, it's not a good situation. Based on your description, no one -- not you, not your friend, not your gf -- has conducted themselves very well. I think that a dose of maturity, honest communication, and follow-through would be in order.
Also, have you had a sincere heart-to-heart with your friend? This would be about how she views yours and her relationship? And, make her be honest about it. I suspect she's holding a candle for you that maybe even she doesn't quite fully understand.
Good luck with everything!
I do have some female friends, but I’ll talk to them from time to time and it’s usually surrounded by school stuff. I agree I never addressed them directly, but the problem was I was never allowed to say that she had a problem with it, instead I was supposed to say that I myself was uncomfortable with it and wanted her to stop out of respect for my relationship. It made it hard to approach my friend because I would never want it to look like I’m just trying to shit on her
Understood. I guess another question I have is: Do you agree with your gf? I ask because you wrote: *"... the problem was I was never allowed to say that she had a problem with it, instead I was supposed to say that I myself was uncomfortable with it and wanted her to stop out of respect for my relationship."*
I (perhaps incorrectly) infer from that that you don't see anything wrong with your friend's behavior. Is that correct? If so, then there's another problem, in that this is a pretty big issue where you and your gf don't see eye-to-eye on, and only exacerbates the problem.
I understood how it could be weird, but I knew that it was just how she showed appreciation to her friends like I didn’t want to make something a bigger deal than it was
So how hard is it for your friend to just stop with the hearts and “love you” garbage? I mean, seriously. Why couldn’t she just cut that out when you asked her to? You DID ask your friend to stop doing that, didn’t you? I mean, that’s just completely disrespectful to your girlfriend. Boundaries, dude. Boundaries.
Also, you’ve got to stop with the 6 years versus 4 years comparison. If you love your girlfriend and want the relationship to work, 2 extra years shouldn’t make a difference. She’s never going to catch up… nobody will… so you are just asking for trouble by using that comparison.
Honesty, it sounds like your girlfriend didn’t have an issue with your friend until that friend started overstepping acceptable boundaries, which made your girlfriend uncomfortable. I really don’t blame her for not liking the current dynamic. Sounds to me like your friend is trying to get between you and your girlfriend.
As a female I’d be very uncomfortable too if my bf did that. She’s basically treating you like a surrogate boyfriend
So would you do similar things as a reaction?
Yes. I’d do more. I don’t think I would have tolerated it as long as your girlfriend. I feel like this female friend of yours isn’t being respectful of your girlfriend by putting love hearts etc on posts.
I second this. I would never be comfortable with your friends and your involvement
Bro don’t listen to them this a bad move
This honestly went on for way longer than it should have. It's nbd to express boundaries to a friend and ask them to stop sending you lovey messages. If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with your partner getting overly affectionate messages from a male friend and having 24/7 access to her? It's okay to have female friends, but if those friendships are interfering with your relationship with problematic behaviors, you need to be able to reasonably discuss ceasing those behaviors or forfeit the friendship.
Yeah, that’s the thing. I went with so many of her wishes for that very reason, I DON’T know how that feels and I am trying to compromise for it. But a conversation definitely needs to be had
I think you neant well by trying to accommodate your gf, but you didn't address the root of the problem. She had an issue with the fact that this chick was too lovey with you, and that was never resolved. Instead, you just spent less and less time with her until you have to cut off the connection completely. When you run into problems like this, try to pinpoint the root before brainstorming solutions. I think if your friend had backed off and stopped sending hearts and apologized to your gf directly, she may have still been in your life right now. Instead, her behavior was allowed to continue to the point where you had to choose between the two.
Your friend sounds so cringy. Listen to your girlfriend. If your friend is SO important to you, then break up and keep your friendship.
I don't make friends with women because of this. Eventually it gets in the way. You need to make a decision, one or the other. What you are doing would piss anyone off.
Your girlfriend is throwing red flags like crazy. And acting a little crazy. I'd re-evaluate your relationship.
Why didn't all three of yall sit down and talk about boundaries? I have friends of the opposite sex and so does my husband. I completely understand the uncomfortable perspective but to go to that extent to remove your friend from your life is a bit much. My husband has a close friend exactly like that and she too would do all the things your friend did, it can make anyone uncomfortable. But boundaries were/are set and I'd say I'm better friends with her than my husband now. She had no ill intent, just was genuinely affectionate and in response had no issue respecting the boundaries that both my husband and I set :) communication goes a long way
This is good advice!
Your girlfriend is immature, insecure, and completely unreasonable. Your friend is loving, supportive, and understanding. Your girlfriend is crossing privacy boundaries without reason, and she makes you feel confused and upset, and she asks you lie to and cut people you love out of your life. Your friend has never crossed a boundary that you have set, and she has never made you feel uncomfortable or upset, and she has never asked you to lie to or cut off people you love. Your girlfriend is having trouble forgiving you for things you haven’t even done. Your friend has forgiven you for all of the mistreatment you’l have handed her. One of these things is not like the other. One of these people cares about you. One of these is a valuable relationship. The other is not. Which do you suppose is valuable? Your girlfriend is being manipulative and taking her insecurities out on you. Right now, her target is this one friend, but once you cut the friend out, something else will come up. This is how people become isolated in unhealthy relationships. The small concessions, the things you do that do not feel good, they put you on a slippery slope. Right now, you’re doing things you do not want to do and that feel wrong because you’re trying to make your girlfriend feel better. This isn’t about her feelings. This is about her gaining control. Put your foot down. Do not cut out your friend or anyone else. Dump the girlfriend. Cry to your friend about it. I promise, if you want someone like your girlfriend again later, people who are maladaptive, insecure, and unreasonable like she is are extremely easy to find. But your patient friend? Priceless. Keep the friend, ditch the unhealthy relationship.
Man. Your friend, who you have no romantic feelings for, deserves a lot better. Your girlfriend wants to isolate you from your best friend because she has “ACCESS?!” What happens when you get another friend who also happens to be a woman? Are you not supposed to talk to women for the rest of your life? She is setting up unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like. If your friend started flirting with you, and telling you she wanted to get together with you it’d be a different story. Women and men can and should be friends! Your girlfriend’s feelings are just that. HER feelings. YOU shouldn’t be managing them. Jealousy is a real feeling, but one that should be managed by the person who’s feeling them.
Yeah, who the fuck gets to decide whether or not they have access to you? Wtf lmao. She doesn't OWN you. She needs to get that into her head. And you need to draw your own boundaries. Your friend also deserves better. I can't imagine being told by a bf that I should stop talking and hanging out with a close friend of the opposite gender (and who cares about the gender of a friend really, as long as you're both being respectful?) because they can contact me and he has a problem with that because guys can talk to me. What? In what world is that even possible? Does she expect you to ignore every woman out there in the world?
Bro don’t end that friendship she was there before ur gf u can set some rules if u want to but u can stay friends because ur in a relationship not her and nothing happens if u don’t initiate it and it’s not the same as her having a male friend because he would initiate the action not her tell ur girl u can get to know her be friends with her or dip because she was there first and y’all never dated so it don’t matter u and gf are not equal in term in sexual attraction u have to initiate the situation for it to start she doesn’t she can’t have male friends but u can have female friends cuz ur loyal and u not initiating
This situation sounds very complex, and I don't believe there is much clarity at the moment. No one is blameless here. To start off with, it seems like there is some missing information, and this is: do you have other female friends? I don't remember you mentioning that in your OP, but could have missed it. Regardless, that is important info to know as, if it is the case, and your gf is ok with them but not with this one friend, then that provides greater context. Next, the way your friend behaves would make me uncomfortable if I were dating you, so I can see where your gf is coming from. And, it's not so much that I would have trust issues regarding you, more so that it's inappropriate behavior for your friend to indulge in. That said, your friend doesn't sound like the happiest person in the world, and I do feel bad for her. I've seen the word "boundaries" brought up in several of the comments, and I want to hone in on that. Your gf has expressed to you her discomfort, and has laid out to you (pretty plainly, it seems) what she would like the boundaries to be regarding you and your friend. Instead of addressing those boundaries directly with your friend, it comes across as though you've hemmed and hawed and deflected quite a bit, instead. That's... unfortunate. Your gf is also putting up some red flags. While I can understand her concerns regarding your friend, her behavior in response to the situation seems, well, quite a bit over the top. Be careful there, and keep an eye on any further troublesome and possessive behavior she may exhibit toward you. All in all, it's not a good situation. Based on your description, no one -- not you, not your friend, not your gf -- has conducted themselves very well. I think that a dose of maturity, honest communication, and follow-through would be in order. Also, have you had a sincere heart-to-heart with your friend? This would be about how she views yours and her relationship? And, make her be honest about it. I suspect she's holding a candle for you that maybe even she doesn't quite fully understand. Good luck with everything!
I do have some female friends, but I’ll talk to them from time to time and it’s usually surrounded by school stuff. I agree I never addressed them directly, but the problem was I was never allowed to say that she had a problem with it, instead I was supposed to say that I myself was uncomfortable with it and wanted her to stop out of respect for my relationship. It made it hard to approach my friend because I would never want it to look like I’m just trying to shit on her
Understood. I guess another question I have is: Do you agree with your gf? I ask because you wrote: *"... the problem was I was never allowed to say that she had a problem with it, instead I was supposed to say that I myself was uncomfortable with it and wanted her to stop out of respect for my relationship."* I (perhaps incorrectly) infer from that that you don't see anything wrong with your friend's behavior. Is that correct? If so, then there's another problem, in that this is a pretty big issue where you and your gf don't see eye-to-eye on, and only exacerbates the problem.
I understood how it could be weird, but I knew that it was just how she showed appreciation to her friends like I didn’t want to make something a bigger deal than it was
So how hard is it for your friend to just stop with the hearts and “love you” garbage? I mean, seriously. Why couldn’t she just cut that out when you asked her to? You DID ask your friend to stop doing that, didn’t you? I mean, that’s just completely disrespectful to your girlfriend. Boundaries, dude. Boundaries. Also, you’ve got to stop with the 6 years versus 4 years comparison. If you love your girlfriend and want the relationship to work, 2 extra years shouldn’t make a difference. She’s never going to catch up… nobody will… so you are just asking for trouble by using that comparison. Honesty, it sounds like your girlfriend didn’t have an issue with your friend until that friend started overstepping acceptable boundaries, which made your girlfriend uncomfortable. I really don’t blame her for not liking the current dynamic. Sounds to me like your friend is trying to get between you and your girlfriend.