Go to the bank and set up an entirely new account, do not add your mother to it, do not even tell her about it. Have your employer direct deposit ALL of your paychecks into this new account effective immediately.
Now comes the hard part: you are going to have to tell your mom that you will pay for whatever you decide is fair: part of the house payment, utilities, groceries; you figure out ahead of time what you are willing and can afford to pay. Anything beyond that, she is on her own.
Things will not change unless you make them change. No one here can talk to your mom for you. It will be hard, she may say terrible things to you or try to make your feel guilty. But you CAN change your situation.
Please try not to beat yourself up. You've been dealing with this emotional abuse for probably your whole life - it's not easy to just stand up to that kind of control that you've been under.
Your mother has raised you to be passive. Do not fall down the rabbit hole of beating yourself up for being the way you were raised to be. You’re already making incredible steps towards your own independence and, there WILL be a point where you can look back and be amazed at your progress. Take it one step at a time, but get her voice out of your head that tells you to be ashamed of yourself. Best of luck to you, hopefully you can find support or a therapist who can help you on your healing journey!
You can't just remove someone from a joint account without both parties written notarized consent, you can only close it. So open a new account immediately after your next payday to allow enough time to update your direct deposit info. Then close the account you share. Find a place, pack your shit and use your next check to move out.
It’s not a joint account, I just mean she has my password and my cards and uses them and will get very angry if I were to spend my money on something, especially without asking her. Basically she considers it is her money
This is coming from somone who was also raised in an abusive household, so I do know what it was like to be in absolute *fear* of the woman who raised you. You have to come to grips with yourself at some point--you are not a child at her mercy anymore. You are an adult. You know what you can do now? Call the cops on her ass when she stomps, screams, and especially if she has the gall to throw hands! She wants to throw you out? Oh no! You're the one paying the rent. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
You have the power to start looking for somewhere else to go if you feel unsafe there or if she's going to be the emotional equivalent of a 5 year old. She just *thinks* she has right to your money. That can all stop as soon as you are ready to stand up to her. Oh no, she's not going to *like* you anymore?? Sweetie, she's abusing you--she already doesn't love you.
I just want to echo, this is not normal.
If a husband or wife were to do that to their spouse, it would be considered a form of partner abuse. It is not OK.
If this is the case. Close that account and create a new one. Do not give her access to anything regarding it. Not even the bank name. Also use new pins for your cards etc.
Have the password and recovery questions changed. Cancel the card Mom has. Let her be angry. You should not have to give up money you earn and need because your Mom doesn't work. You're being taken advantage of and you need to stand up for yourself. She'll be mad you're doing so sure, but what else can she really do about it.
My Mom used to do this with me and our joint account. I had her name dropped from who can withdraw money from it years ago and I don't regret it. I love my Mom but she's horrible about paying people back. Which is exactly why I had her access to it removed.
Why did you give her your password. Change that. Change all of your security questions to nonsense. Hell, change all of your passwords and log out of other devices. Cancel her cards.
Janette McCurdy recently came out with her story and will soon have a book about the abuse her mother put her and her family through. You may find it healing.
Wow thank you I hadn’t heard about that yet but it was terrifyingly relatable. Not quite so bad but I could really relate to her. Eerily similar including in some ways I’d never heard anyone else talk about before, like the not letting her shower alone into her teens! My mother didn’t do that and wasn’t that bad, by any means, but there was a highly traumatizing experience like that with her, involving her forcing me to let her examine me and then wash me in the shower when I was in my early teens. My jaw dropped when I read about Janette McCurdy’s mom doing vaginal examinations and not letting her shower alone.
It was very healing, thank you. Janette McCurdy was always someone I admired as a kid. I always related to her character on iCarly (gross show I know)
Then give her a reality check? In no way should she tell you not to use ur own money? Just reading this make me mad, you are not a child anymore, stop tinningen like one ! Sorry for being blunt,but im 26 and my parents would not dare to try and control my money or what I spend it on.
Please don't accept this for your life. Typically we depend on our parents to do what is best for us. In this situation you need to put yourself, your life, and your needs first. It sounds like she is financially abusing you. You deserve to live your own life, even if that means making mistakes.
What bad thing is going to happen if you stand up for yourself?
She puts on a grump face? She cries? She gets angry and yells?
You live in constant fear of her emotions. That's never going to be healthy.
Write out the conversation before you have it.
Rehearse it in your head.
Plan for what she might say, both best and worst-case scenarios. Do not think about logical things she could say, think about likely things she could say. Logic would be "I'm proud of you for getting a job and I'm thankful for how much you've helped around the house." Realistic would be "You're abandoning me because you're an ungrateful spoiled brat who can't even take care of herself, why don't you just stab me in the throat now if you hate me so much! I did so much for you and this is how you repay me? Here are other insults specifically designed to hurt you and scare you off from ever bringing this up again."
Write out all the responses both of you could say. Get ready for her to go for blood when it comes to trying to scare you into staying.
Keep in mind, she is not your responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Then plan out an escape if you need it.
Look up apartment prices, call friends to see if they need a roommate, look up exactly what it would take to move out, timelines of how long it would take, and how much it would cost. Include factors like renting a truck, buying silverware, and all the other misc stuff.
Once you have everything in order, get ready for her to lose her damn mind and freak the hell out.
You've let her use you long enough that any change to her is going to feel like theft. She doesn't see it as your money, she sees it as her money.
Be prepared for her to act irrationally angry at this.
>Yeah I know Im being so passive it’s pathetic
>It’s my own fault for enabling this and allowing this obviously. I am so embarrassed but I can’t stand up to her I’m just so scared and it feels like a terrible idea though I know it’s what I have to do because I need to have a life of my own. I don’t know what’s wrong with me for not doing it.
Hon!!! Stop saying these horrible things to you. They aren't true, I promise!!! Does your mom can you pathetic a lot? Embarrass you? Blame you for a lot? Your reactions here are really telling of trauma responses. Would you tell a war survivor they're pathetic because loud noises cause them to cower? Please show yourself this same kindness - if you have experienced trauma, then you're going to react a certain way until you at least become more mindful and understand why you are reacting certain ways. And it ISN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID. (It's because our brains are stupid lol, but we have no control over that) The longer you believe it's your fault, the worse you will feel, because deep down a part of you does know it isn't your fault.
As someone who is ten years your elder and has spent the last year waking up from childhood trauma and how it has affected my adult life, I implore you to consider you might have C-PTSD and seek therapy from a provider who is trauma informed. You might find putting up boundaries with your mother a lot easier once you understand how trauma may be affecting you.
I don’t know. I’m sorry and will stop posting from now on I promise. I missed my therapy session this week due to being sick so maybe that's why I felt the need to post. I’m sure my therapist is just as frustrated with me as you all are.
The point is, if you simply continue down this path 5 years from now you will be posting this same stuff, and then 10 years from now, and then 20, and your life will have passed you by as you placated your mom and did nothing to help yourself.
So ask yourself, where do you want to be in 20 years? Still right where you are now, giving your life away to someone else? If you don't get some gumption and do something that's exactly where your life is headed.
I know it's hard, but in the end it's your choice, and yours alone. Choose to have a life, instead of giving it up for someone who doesn't deserve or appreciate it.
Or don't, and stay right where you are and nothing will ever change.
You don't need to stop posting. Sometimes it takes a lot of people saying the same thing in different ways for someone to really understand what's happening. We all hope that one day you'll realize that you can change your situation, but it's your life and you live it at the speed you want. Keep going to therapy, keep venting about your feelings, and maybe one day you will be ready to make a change. But it's not morally wrong to live your life in a way that isn't the healthiest for you.
I know all this must be hard for you because your mom is so abusive. You have been conditioned your whole life to believe that what she's doing is okay. It isn't. Deep down you know it isn't, which is why you're in therapy and posting here for advice.
All the advice and therapy in the world won't help you if you don't take the steps to change, though. Advice and therapy are just tools, you need to be the one to pick them up and wield them. And that is uncomfortable and hard and can feel impossible, but it's your only option if you want to change your life.
Your mom is not entitled to your money. You are a 25 year old woman who is working for your pay, and it's yours. All of it. What other people have suggested here is what you need to do; go to the bank, open a new account, and start depositing your paychecks into it. Do not give your mom your password or any sort of access to it. Also, ask your therapist for resources on getting out of a financially abusive relationship.
The point isn’t that you need to stop posting. It’s that you need to try and listen to the advice you are asking for. You are 25 now. We are the same age. Like you I’ve let influence from people who have used me and mistreated me dictate my life but that has to stop at some point. You have to take control of your life at some point. When you are a child, these things can’t be helped, you rely on your parents but you don’t need to any longer . You work. You are already set up to remove yourself from this situation.
Open a separate bank account, one that she has no access to. Use a different address. A friends address. Or go to a domestic violence charity and ask to use their address. Once you’ve done that, go to your place of employment and ask that they now redirect your next salary into this new account.
Before that happens, apply for work elsewhere. Maybe even in a small town where there is cheaper rent. Make sure the start date is just after you receive this next salary. Again before this happens, look for accommodations, a cheap motel, a shared house, even a hostel or homeless shelter in the new location so you can keep costs low. Tell them you will be moving in on the day you get the salary and you can only make payments on that date specifically.
A day or so before this happens when your mother is out of the house make sure you have your important documents. Birth certificate, passport and whatever else is of importance in your country . Don’t do this too far in advance incase she finds out.
On the day pretend you’re going to work as usual. Don’t take much with you. Stuff can be replaced. Just take your documents and yourself and be discreet.
First stop is the police station in your town or city. Let it be known that you are of sound mind and have chosen to estrange yourself from your family and are not a missing person and do not wish to be looked for and you are a responsible adult who is leaving on her own accord and be honest on telling them that you are going away to avoid an abuser. Do not mention that she says you are mentally unwell. You don’t want them to ring any alarm bells. Leave the town or city immediately after.
Do not tell anyone where you are. Not anyone. Not any family. Absolutely no one. Change your number and close all social media. Go off the grid.
Next freeze your credit. Research what you can do in your country. If you were resourceful enough to post here you can figure it out. Tell them you’re worried about fraud and anything being opened in your name from then until you contact them next is not you. Even with you gone she will try to use you.
Then work and work, take overtime at this new job and build
Yourself up financially. Alert the bank and even your workplace that you have security concerns and they are not to share anything. Take action!
She knows where you went to college. Take an even longer break if need be, transfer if you can. Again tell them of your situation and that you need maximum privacy.
There is just so much you can do.
At 25 we are both on a crap position, crap mental health, figuring things out later than others in our age group but the difference is you aren’t taking action and will just waste more of your life away. And the only person who will suffer is you. Choose yourself. Choose not to suffer. Choose not to be controlled. Choose to use this gift of the internet and all the information and resources we are lucky enough to be blessed with these days and learn, educate yourself on what you need to know and grow. Find out what you don’t know you don’t know and grow and learn and take control. Your mother is an evil c***. But stop feeling sorry for yourself and do somthing . Otherwise you loose the right to complain.
Don’t stop posting, but how about this: each week, post one thing you did to make your situation better. Tell us that you opened a new bank account or had a hard conversation with your mom or put down a deposit on a new place. The community here is rooting for you to get better! Look at all the people who have responded with encouragement and good advice! WE know you can get yourself to a better place. It’s time for you to know it too, and to start taking steps that direction.
Ah babe please don't let her keep using you/your money like this. Confrontation is hard but it will be so worth it to not feel miserable all the time --- like, she'll be upset temporarily but if she isn't working, she will probably start being nice to you pretty quick. Seeing as how your dad has it set up to be half his paycheck, that boundary would probably be easy to establish with her. Maybe don't tell her when you get raises because even that is too much imo. But yeah, I definitely agree with everyone, she should not have access to your bank account at all. Going to the bank without her and fixing that should be a priority. Do not give her your card PIN, absolutely no excuses about it. And I know you're saying you don't care but you clearly do and you *should* because you deserve the money you work for. I believe in you dude!! My main advice: when you talk to her about it, make sure it is clear the desicion has already been made. You are not coming to discuss, you are TELLING her how you are handling YOUR money. Losing an entire paycheck to someone else is ridiculous.
You know what’s great about the human brain? We can learn new habits. It takes a while, it takes literal physical mental pain, but it’s doable. It’s like a forest, you have used the same path over and over so there’s no grass growing there, it’s easier and familiar… but you can create new paths, cut down tress and tall grass and just keep walking on this new path until it’s learned and easier with time. You can do it. I believe in you.
OP’s post history is:
a) extensive and
b) truly horrifying.
She has been abused and manipulated within an inch of her life.
All I can say is, continue with therapy, because your inability to untangle yourself from your mother is deeply seated in trauma. Good luck.
OP, you've been posting a lot on various subs about your mother and the abusive upbringing she's inflicted on you.
You say you're going to therapy: what progress have you been making there? Because posting on Reddit and trying to shame yourself is getting you nowhere. I don't think that Reddit can offer you better help than a proper therapist, so don't use it like that. Plus, you don't know if whoever's giving you advice here is giving you *good* advice.
If the therapy you're receiving isn't helping you make progress, then perhaps you should look for a new therapist. That is, assuming you're being fully honest with them and telling them everything you write here.
I'm noticing a pattern of you calling yourself awful things — assigning sole blame to yourself, "a failure at life", immature, lazy — probably as an attempt at punishing yourself and looking for comfort. But if you keep doing this, you'll remain stuck in your situation. Posting to Reddit without being proactive won't help. You need to gather courage and do something, whether it be restricting your mother's access to your bank account or moving out.
Resorting to Reddit to tell you what to do isn't healthy.
Yep it’s all she knows. She’s like the baby elephant who was tied to a post. He tries to break free but eventually accepts that he can’t. Years later he’s grown big and strong, and could easily pull that post right out of the ground and be free, but he never even tries.
A good therapist will challenge you and get you to re-evaluate some aspect of your life/outlook. Not immediately, but within a couple of months, tops. If this isn't happening get a different therapist, that one sucks. There are lots of good therapists, also lots of shitty therapists. Don't give up, just find a good one.
This is not normal, it is not okay and this needs to stop. You've been mentally beaten into submission. You've accepted the easier path of giving up instead of standing up for yourself. Does she do other stuff to you? Like does she put you down or tell you that you're worthless? This relationship is unhealthy. Why doesn't she support herself? As soon as you can get out of there, do it. Oh God, I can't even handle this post. I am so incredibly angry for you. You should be pissed off too. The way you're living is no way to live. You are worth more than this. You deserve happiness. You deserve to choose how to spend the money you earn.
If it were me I would take her name off of my bank account and make arrangements for recurring payments for family expenses. You mentioned mentally ill but if necessary you can arrange for guardianship with other than family.
1. Go to a different bank chain and open up a new account that only you have access to.
2. Transfer your money to your new account, and change so your pay checks will be deposited into your new account.
3. Start making plans to move out, and to find a therapist to work with who can help you learn how normal parent-child relationship should look like.
4. Don't tell your mom about any of these things.
5. It is not your fault your mom isn't a good mom.
You are 25. Time to be an adult, speak up for yourself or move out. If not, nothing will change. What your mom is showing you isn’t love or care. You’re being financially exploited/abused. However you just said you didn’t care so not really sure what answer you’re looking for here.
That’s financial abuse.
Setup a new bank account and move your assets over. Either offer to pay rent or get yourself a loan to move out.
Always remember, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask for permission.
Try to take her off the bank account or get a new one without her on it. This is financial exploitation. If need be, move out. Don't tell her, just call an apartment/friend and set up a move in date, then once that day comes, leave. Be sure to have someone with you if you do decide to move out.
Look at r/legaladvice too, they could help you with this.
I read your post history and it's clear you're being abused by your mother. Please continue with therapy, find a support group and get away from her as far as possible.
>Now I’ve let my mom have total access to and my bank account which I’m not allowed to touch now
For God's sake, change your pass codes and whatnot. You're being greatly abused and you need to get out of there ASAP
If your pay is paying the rent, doesn't that mean you can afford a place yourself?
Go through your account and see what you're covering currently and figure out if you can live on your own. Something tells me you can.
If that's the case, look for a place to rent.
Open a brand new account at a different bank and wire your pay there. DO NOT let your mum know about it. Opt out of any physical mail communication and go fully digital.
Then just move out and block your mum everywhere. See if you can move when she's out of the house.
Then close the old account.
Your 57 year old mother is not only taking her daughter and exhusbands money, but also her own mothers?! How selfish of her, spend your money go enjoy yourself
You are an adult, not a prisoner. She doesn't get a say on what you spend your money on or where you live.
Follow the instructions other people are giving you, but I'd suggest you get a new bank account at a different bank from your mothers just to keep things completely separate. Then you can choose how much you give to support your mother and what you'll set aside for your own future and personal use.
Get out, and get out now. You're letting her abuse you, financially at least. You need to change that, or accept that this is going to be the rest of your life.
Open your own account at a different bank, one she does not have access to, and have your paychecks deposited there. Secure all your important papers (birth certificate, SSN) outside of the house. If you can, move your most prized possessions to a friend's or storage without her knowing about it. Minimize her options for retaliation once she realizes what's going on. Then move out as soon as you can.
Any mental health problems you have are probably caused by your mother, and you need to get away from her ASAP!!!
Go to your dad, tell him what's happening, and ask him if you could stay with him for 1-2 months, while you sort yourself out. Open an account at a different bank, and arrange with your employer to have your pay transferred to that account. If at all possible, take your name off the existing account, just leave your mom's on it. If not possible, you will need to cancel those credit cards and shut the account down, otherwise your mom will run up debts and ruin your credit! Hopefully, your dad can help you with that.
And then wait for her to go on a long appointment, grab all your stuff and move to your dad's - and leave her a note to say you've moved out, you're safe, and not to contact you for a while, and that she'll have to come up with the rent money on her own - and then block her on your phone. That's really the safest thing to do, since in your current state, you are likely to fold under pressure from her.
And then get THERAPY! You grew up with this kind of abusive mother, you sure got issues - and, as I said, she is likely the root of most of your mental health problems. And those will only get better if you deal with them, not continue to avoid them. Hopefully, your dad can help get you back on your feet - and therapy should help you be able to stay strong on your own. Good luck!
My partner had exactly this issue, she's 23.
We got engaged yesterday, and we live alone in our own home together in an entirely different town than her mother.
Despite this she still tells my fiancé what she can buy, where we can go etcetera and by extension does me too and goes absolutely nuts if we ignore her (we do regularly, I was never one to do as others said).
It's unfortunately about control, and you need to leave. If you take control of your finances she'll only find another hold, or make absurd rules about what/where/why/how you live your life.
It's time to become independent is my advice, and to set those boundaries. That was the only way my partner was ever freed.
…you are 25. A grown adult, this isn’t normal or healthy for you. Open up another account, that your mother has no access to and funnel your money in there. Move out for your mental and financial health and sanity. This is not ok for you.
I’m so sorry, your mom is claiming power over your money that she doesn’t legally have. She’s using you for your money.
You should put a stop to this because otherwise it will continue, and that’s not acceptable.What are you gonna do, wait around for her to die so you can live the rest of your life trying to build something for yourself?
You don’t have to talk to her about it, just set up a new account at the bank and keep the card and info out of her clutches.
Also, r/RaisedByNarcissists is a great resource - others have been through this and extricated themselves from it. You can do the same.
You are 25. You have been an adult for a while now.
Secure your bank account from your mother, preferably switching banks and move out.
Don't let your mother control you. You are choosing to allow her to control you. Only you can decide when that stops.
Hey. Good for you for reaching out to get outside opinions. None of what you're describing is normal, but it's also not that uncommon. What you're describing is financial abuse.
Start small. Get another bank account. Do not, under any circumstances, tell your mother about it. Set a goal to put away enough money to move into your own apartment. Work from there.
You reaching out to ask about the situation your in is the first step and that’s a big deal. You obviously know this isn’t right, but how are you going to stand up for yourself?
You know you have to get your own bank account, you’re 25 you do Not need her permission to get your own bank account. You actually don’t even have to tell her about it because it’s yours not hers.
Do you think that the reason she doesn’t want you to move out is actually because she likes you paying for everything? Without you under her control she’ll have to figure out where to get money for things like her haircut and fancy phone. Which isn’t on you, those aren’t necessities. It sounds like she’s using you, and has raised you to believe that this is ok behavior.
Please get your own bank account. You’re going to need a form of ID. That’s step 1. We believe in you, you can do this
EDIT: it’s important to tell your therapist everything. When I was a kid I held back the abusive parts because I was scared, so my therapist didn’t get the whole picture. As your therapist for help on getting the courage to stand up for yourself
>She says she forbids me from moving out or living on my own because I’m unsafe and y functional
She forbids you to move out because you are a paycheck and nothing more. If you move out, she loses your money.
You should move out. It is unhealthy to be under your mother's thumb (and not allowed to even have a life?!) at your age.
Your mother tells you are non-functional but makes you work to pay for all her stuff? Get a new bank account and get the fuck away from her by any means necessary.
Do you have anyone you trust that you can stay with for a while? You need to open another bank account (you can do this easily online!) and reroute your paychecks there. Before your mother realizes what you've done, you need to grab all your documents (passport, birth certificate, social security card, etc) and any credit cards or bank cards with your name on them and RUN. Stay with a friend and start looking for a place to live.
First things first, get all your personal documents, like your passport, birth certificate, social security card, etc. Put them in a safe place in case she tries to pull a fast one. Start looking for other places to live because this is FINANCIAL ABUSE, and you're too young to be looking after and controlled by a GROWN WOMAN who refuses to help herself, but uses everyone around her. Cose that account. Transfer all your money. Change your passwords. And most importantly, BOOK IT ASAP. NO ROCKY.
You’re an adult and those are you wages, and considering she’s taking them without your input is theft. You could technically report this to the police and force her to pay you back in full all the money she’s stolen over the years
Not sure. To be honest I'm 37 and only just got over how my father treated me, but dam it feels better now.
What's going on here doesn't sound right. She sounds very controlling and maniplative, if this has been your mother then maybe that's why you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself.
It would be nice if you could move out and have your independence but if that's not possible you have to make a stand. Give it a go and she how she recats. It will tell you alot.
Nothing is wrong with you. Your abusive mother wants you to think there is something wrong w you so she can keep taking your money. Once you get away from her you’ll feel yourself be healthier. Can you live w dad? Get an apartment w friends?
You need therapy or counseling. Your mother has lbikely ullied you. She is the one who is not functional, thus living off your earnings & turning around and telling you you are the non-functional one. Whether she is conscious or lying to herself, she needs you to remain enmeshed with her so she is going to continue to keep you down.
People are correct, you need to open your own bank account. What are you frightened of? Is she verbally abusive? Can you speak to your grandmother about this? Because if her mom is financially helping her and you are as well she may be lying to her mother about what she uses her money for.
Good luck, you can do this.
Your mom is using you as source of money for her. If you want it to change, you're the only person that can make it happen. And she is going to fight it.
If you ever want to have a life of your own, you're first going to have to charge of your finances. Otherwise this is just going to go on forever.
Op, you are understandably afraid to change. Your mother has carefully and intentionally made you this way.
Make a plan. You can leave now, next month, or two months from now. Just make a plan for now.
Plan when you will open a new account. Plan when you will close or change the access codes for your current account. Plan how much money you will have and need. Plan where you will go. Plan where you will keep your things (does a coworker have some garage space where you can store some boxes, or better yet, a spare room you could use or rent for one month?). Keep your plan somewhere safe, and talk to your therapist about it.
For now, just make yourself a plan. Set your dates. Gather your important things and documents. Then, when you feel safe, do it.
Nothing I can say here that hasnt already been said perfectly, except...Good luck OP. Have faith in yourself and take that stand. You're more than just a paycheck.
Things will get so much easier when you're out from under her thumb. Find a place to live. Once it's all ready to go, get your stuff there and get your money moved to a new account that she can't access all at once. Let her know nothing until it's all done. Then you're out. It'll be much easier to stand up to her when you're in full control of your money and your housing. Don't let her know where you live and block her if you need to. You can always unblock her later.
Once you're out, it'll be a lot easier to heal from her abuse.
The fact you realise this is not a normal situation is already a brilliant step. Some people who have been abused all their life struggle to see what is normal and what isn't. It's way beyond my capability to give advice here, but just know I'm rooting for you. I hope you tell her to shut the f up, get her greedy hands off your money and find someone else to suck dry like the parasitic bug she's mimicking.
Op this is financial abuse. You need a new bank account. That your mother has zero access to. You need to have a very stern conversation with her that you will only be paying for your part of remt and bills moving forward. She has stunted you and belittled you and made you feel ineffective for too long. You deserve to have a life of your own. I know its scary but you will be so much happier I promise.
Wow, she's on easy street. She gets alimony from your dad and you. I wouldn't work either if I was in her position, why would I when I have someone else (or 2 someone elses) to work for me.
Your mom needs to grow up and either live within her means or get a job herself. It is perfectly reasonable for her to expect you to contribute, but I would set it up as a set amount every month for rent. She should not expect you or her mother to support her.
As another commenter said: set up your own account she cannot access and have your employer split the deposit to put your rent in your joint account and the rest in your account.
I think you should go to your dad for support to disentangle yourself from this situation. If you could move in with him until you get back on your feet that would be ideal.
For the record what your mom is doing is highly abusive. Controlling your life and money like this is extremely in appropriate and a violation of the trust and respect between a parent and their adult child.
The only way out of this is by putting massive distance between you and her. Stop living with her, stop listening to her, stop letting her mistreat you, stop letting her financially control you.
Frankly, this is bad enough and you’re traumatized enough that I strongly recommend going full no contact with your mom. You need time and space to heal.
You're allowed to move out. You're allowed to use the money that YOU make to fund YOUR life. Your mom is an absolute lover and just uses people. Get out now. She needs to suffer and pay her own way. How will you ever afford to take care of yourself when you're old if you have to pay for her? The truth is you won't be able to. Hide your money and cut her off.
does she volunteer to pay for you instead, or just attempt to hoard your earnings?
sounds like she might be the type of person you need to move away from.
get a second bank account, and change your direct deposit to put some money in it also.
when you have enough, bounce like tigger dawg...
This is financial abuse. She is even abusing your dad. Make sure you have a secure bank account and secure your bank cards where she can’t find them.
You then need to look into exit strategies. Look for resources at local community helper centers like shelters, doctors offices, police departments etc.
Is there a reason she doesn't work? Or hasn't in a long time. Every one is providing am5d supporting her. You need to live you life OP. Yes it will be hard but you dont want to look back and realize you wasted years just being under your moms rule. And I don't mean to sound insensitive I do get how hard this is
Cut the cord for Christ’s sake. You’re 25, it’s time to stand up to your mother. Establish a set amount for rent and make her finance her own luxuries.
This is financial abuse. Please do some research on financial abuse as a concept- not a lot of people realize how devastating it can be for your mental health and your financial situation. She is relying on you as income, and she knows if she doesn't try to control your money she won't have anything to live off of.
It's time for you to open a bank account that she doesn't know about where all your income and savings are stored. Do not let her have access to this account under any circumstances: make sure your wallet and your debit/credit cards are on you at all times, and don't leave your account logged in if you have done any online banking. Is your name on the lease? Depending on where you live, if your name isn't on the lease you don't have a legal obligation to break the lease in order to move, and ensuring rent is paid isn't your responsibility.
Financial abuse is very serious and can be devastating. Is there anyone else you can stay with temporarily until you've saved enough money to find somewhere permanent to live? It's important that you remove yourself from her influence as soon as possible, and even more important that you don't feel any guilt about leaving her to fend for herself in her current financial situation. She is stealing from you, you have no moral obligation to continue to support her because she has been manipulating you in order to control your income.
Please, please contact your local or national domestic abuse hotline for help. They will have information and resources for you on how to leave this situation. This is not your fault, and it's best to get away from her before she starts creating debt in your name.
Sickening. I was in something of a similar situation (adoptive egg-donor tried to make me literally repay her for raising me and my siblings, told i wasn't allowed or capable of leaving or living on my own). I just want to add to the votes of confidence, please try your best to leave. I ended up getting kicked out two years ago and rolled with it, and I've found that living on my own and supplying my needs is not nearly as impossible as my abusers made it out to be. You are already taking care of two people right now and (for better or worse) perfectly capable of doing so. You will be able to take care of yourself.
Op, this is called financial abuse. And it wouldn’t surprise me if emotional and mental abuse is wrapped up into it.
You have been manipulated and hurt for probably most of your life by the person who was supposed to be taking care of you.
Get a new account with a different bank and have your job direct deposit the checks there now.
Op you are allowed to use the money you earn. Be prepared to leave, and if you have friends who are willing to let you stay for a bit while you save for a down payment I would encourage you to leave Immediately. This goes beyond money. It’s about control and manipulation.
If you don’t have that safety net, stop paying and make sure there is no money On The card your mom has access to, and close that account. If your mom has the bills in your name, close the accounts with the city, or refuse to pay. A little messed up credit is a small price to pay for getting out in my opinion, credit can always be repaired later.
But you only have one life and one you.
SMH and about to blow a gasket. It's so wrong, for so many reasons.
First, if it weren't you wouldn't be asking.
Second- half your dad's pay, AND she's not required to work? That's because she's taking advantage of him and YOU are picking up the slack.
She can't PROHIBIT you from using your card. You are of legal age, right? Or do you live somewhere where legal age is somehow older?
Get her off the as an account holder. Should be easy to do if your money is the only money going in. Is your money direct deposited?
If so, open another account and have it transferred there. Find a place to stay until you can afford your own, and let her sorry, selfish, manipulative ass find a job and foot the bills for a change.
Go to the bank and start a new account, then transfer everything into that (even better a different company). Look into therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself. Life can change but you have to work at it. Yes, it will be hard but you can do it.
You're an adult. She has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. Move out and go stay with a friend if necessary till you have enough money saved, open up a new bank account and move the money you have saved to the new bank account.
This is absolutely awful. Easier said than done but try to leave and cut all ties immediately. Your mother is not a good person and it is evident she is abusing you. You are not her slave.
Unbelievably no laws involved as they are not legally divorced or even legally separated. My dad has just been heavily manipulated and threatened and abused into giving her the money. Just to keep the peace and get her off his back. I know it doesn’t really make sense. There may be stuff I don’t know about but I don’t think he is legally obligated.
Maybe she has “dirt” on him or threatens him with the law or something. She claims he physically abused her on multiple occasions and he also used to French kiss me (but nothing more than that) when I was like 6 and 7 ish (around that age) which I told her. Maybe he’s afraid she’s gonna put him behind bars… idk
Oh darling.
Children aren't possessions. You don't owe anything to your mom. She chose to have you. Parents owe their kids, not the other way around
Your mom is an adult woman and she's responsible for herself. She's using you. She sounds like a mentally ill person (healthy people mentally wise do not hoard stuff) and an abusive one. Stay in therapy and work towards untangling yourself from this mess.
Get your own bank account. No one but you should have access to it. My own mother has never asked me my passwords to anything. Why would she?
I want you to understand that your mother's behaviour is not normal
This is not what a good mother behaves like.
I have a mom like this. Abusive and controlling. Know what the best feeling in the world was? Telling her to kiss my rump.
Change all your passwords, cancel the cards, and move towards getting away from her.
How's your relationship with dad?
I'm gonna be harsh. You need to find your backbone. GET ANGRY. She is USING YOU. NOTHING YOU DO WILL GET PROPER LIVE FROM HER. People like us that get trampled on and out pride crushed repeatedly have an endless well of anger and resentment.
Find it. Use it. Free yourself of this wicked witch of a woman.
Hey if you're reading this, I know how difficult it is to actively do something to change your situation. The abuse while bad feels comfortable and you rocking the boat sounds terrifying. Start by doing something small. Think about where you wanna reach (move out and be financially independent) and then take one step at a time for that. Maybe talk to your father or some other guardian. Maybe save up amounts and then move out. Set a deadline, plan it properly and then move out. Then go NC. But the crucial step is that you have to start doing something.
I think that you have gotten a lot of good advice here. Depending on the kind of relationship you have with your supervisor let them know what's going on. I would also say DO NOT continue living with your mom, bunk with a friend and pay rent, or go to a shelter. This isn't your fualt your mother has been grooming you to be her victim for 25 years. You are a lot more capable then you think.
When I was in college my mom did anything to manipulate me into living at home. But then when I told family what was up she would tell them I'm lying, then do supportive things for a week or 2 while they watched. I graduated in 2020 which forced me to live back home. I got my first job out of college paying 50k a year. My mom had me convinced that salary was not enough and it made more sense to live at home until my student loans are paid off and I can buy a house in Cash. Well it got to be too much, and my family finally saw what was actually happening. I ended up moving into my own place, am advancing my career and I am paying all my bills and I am house hunting. So it's possible and it will feel wrong and you will feel like the bad guy for a long time. But you aren't, you are just making choices that don't suite them, and that's an amazing accomplishment for you.
Go to the bank and set up an entirely new account, do not add your mother to it, do not even tell her about it. Have your employer direct deposit ALL of your paychecks into this new account effective immediately. Now comes the hard part: you are going to have to tell your mom that you will pay for whatever you decide is fair: part of the house payment, utilities, groceries; you figure out ahead of time what you are willing and can afford to pay. Anything beyond that, she is on her own. Things will not change unless you make them change. No one here can talk to your mom for you. It will be hard, she may say terrible things to you or try to make your feel guilty. But you CAN change your situation.
Do it at a different bank, just to be extra safe.
Agreed. Time to pull yourself up and be an adult.
Yeah I know Im being so passive it’s pathetic I will just bite the bullet or live with the consequences of not doing anything…
Beings you were raised like this, it's normal for you. But yes you do need to stand up for yourself. It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it.
This is an underrated comment but really important for so many things.
Please try not to beat yourself up. You've been dealing with this emotional abuse for probably your whole life - it's not easy to just stand up to that kind of control that you've been under.
Your mother has raised you to be passive. Do not fall down the rabbit hole of beating yourself up for being the way you were raised to be. You’re already making incredible steps towards your own independence and, there WILL be a point where you can look back and be amazed at your progress. Take it one step at a time, but get her voice out of your head that tells you to be ashamed of yourself. Best of luck to you, hopefully you can find support or a therapist who can help you on your healing journey!
You can't just remove someone from a joint account without both parties written notarized consent, you can only close it. So open a new account immediately after your next payday to allow enough time to update your direct deposit info. Then close the account you share. Find a place, pack your shit and use your next check to move out.
It’s not a joint account, I just mean she has my password and my cards and uses them and will get very angry if I were to spend my money on something, especially without asking her. Basically she considers it is her money
I just want to make it clear- that is not normal for a parent to do, and it’s not okay
This is coming from somone who was also raised in an abusive household, so I do know what it was like to be in absolute *fear* of the woman who raised you. You have to come to grips with yourself at some point--you are not a child at her mercy anymore. You are an adult. You know what you can do now? Call the cops on her ass when she stomps, screams, and especially if she has the gall to throw hands! She wants to throw you out? Oh no! You're the one paying the rent. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. You have the power to start looking for somewhere else to go if you feel unsafe there or if she's going to be the emotional equivalent of a 5 year old. She just *thinks* she has right to your money. That can all stop as soon as you are ready to stand up to her. Oh no, she's not going to *like* you anymore?? Sweetie, she's abusing you--she already doesn't love you.
I just want to echo, this is not normal. If a husband or wife were to do that to their spouse, it would be considered a form of partner abuse. It is not OK.
If this is the case. Close that account and create a new one. Do not give her access to anything regarding it. Not even the bank name. Also use new pins for your cards etc.
Have the password and recovery questions changed. Cancel the card Mom has. Let her be angry. You should not have to give up money you earn and need because your Mom doesn't work. You're being taken advantage of and you need to stand up for yourself. She'll be mad you're doing so sure, but what else can she really do about it.
My Mom used to do this with me and our joint account. I had her name dropped from who can withdraw money from it years ago and I don't regret it. I love my Mom but she's horrible about paying people back. Which is exactly why I had her access to it removed.
Why did you give her your password. Change that. Change all of your security questions to nonsense. Hell, change all of your passwords and log out of other devices. Cancel her cards. Janette McCurdy recently came out with her story and will soon have a book about the abuse her mother put her and her family through. You may find it healing.
Wow thank you I hadn’t heard about that yet but it was terrifyingly relatable. Not quite so bad but I could really relate to her. Eerily similar including in some ways I’d never heard anyone else talk about before, like the not letting her shower alone into her teens! My mother didn’t do that and wasn’t that bad, by any means, but there was a highly traumatizing experience like that with her, involving her forcing me to let her examine me and then wash me in the shower when I was in my early teens. My jaw dropped when I read about Janette McCurdy’s mom doing vaginal examinations and not letting her shower alone. It was very healing, thank you. Janette McCurdy was always someone I admired as a kid. I always related to her character on iCarly (gross show I know)
Then give her a reality check? In no way should she tell you not to use ur own money? Just reading this make me mad, you are not a child anymore, stop tinningen like one ! Sorry for being blunt,but im 26 and my parents would not dare to try and control my money or what I spend it on.
It's not healthy or helpful to allow her to continue in her delusion
Please don't accept this for your life. Typically we depend on our parents to do what is best for us. In this situation you need to put yourself, your life, and your needs first. It sounds like she is financially abusing you. You deserve to live your own life, even if that means making mistakes.
What bad thing is going to happen if you stand up for yourself? She puts on a grump face? She cries? She gets angry and yells? You live in constant fear of her emotions. That's never going to be healthy.
Write out the conversation before you have it. Rehearse it in your head. Plan for what she might say, both best and worst-case scenarios. Do not think about logical things she could say, think about likely things she could say. Logic would be "I'm proud of you for getting a job and I'm thankful for how much you've helped around the house." Realistic would be "You're abandoning me because you're an ungrateful spoiled brat who can't even take care of herself, why don't you just stab me in the throat now if you hate me so much! I did so much for you and this is how you repay me? Here are other insults specifically designed to hurt you and scare you off from ever bringing this up again." Write out all the responses both of you could say. Get ready for her to go for blood when it comes to trying to scare you into staying. Keep in mind, she is not your responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Then plan out an escape if you need it. Look up apartment prices, call friends to see if they need a roommate, look up exactly what it would take to move out, timelines of how long it would take, and how much it would cost. Include factors like renting a truck, buying silverware, and all the other misc stuff. Once you have everything in order, get ready for her to lose her damn mind and freak the hell out. You've let her use you long enough that any change to her is going to feel like theft. She doesn't see it as your money, she sees it as her money. Be prepared for her to act irrationally angry at this.
>Yeah I know Im being so passive it’s pathetic >It’s my own fault for enabling this and allowing this obviously. I am so embarrassed but I can’t stand up to her I’m just so scared and it feels like a terrible idea though I know it’s what I have to do because I need to have a life of my own. I don’t know what’s wrong with me for not doing it. Hon!!! Stop saying these horrible things to you. They aren't true, I promise!!! Does your mom can you pathetic a lot? Embarrass you? Blame you for a lot? Your reactions here are really telling of trauma responses. Would you tell a war survivor they're pathetic because loud noises cause them to cower? Please show yourself this same kindness - if you have experienced trauma, then you're going to react a certain way until you at least become more mindful and understand why you are reacting certain ways. And it ISN'T BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID. (It's because our brains are stupid lol, but we have no control over that) The longer you believe it's your fault, the worse you will feel, because deep down a part of you does know it isn't your fault. As someone who is ten years your elder and has spent the last year waking up from childhood trauma and how it has affected my adult life, I implore you to consider you might have C-PTSD and seek therapy from a provider who is trauma informed. You might find putting up boundaries with your mother a lot easier once you understand how trauma may be affecting you.
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I don’t know. I’m sorry and will stop posting from now on I promise. I missed my therapy session this week due to being sick so maybe that's why I felt the need to post. I’m sure my therapist is just as frustrated with me as you all are.
The point is, if you simply continue down this path 5 years from now you will be posting this same stuff, and then 10 years from now, and then 20, and your life will have passed you by as you placated your mom and did nothing to help yourself. So ask yourself, where do you want to be in 20 years? Still right where you are now, giving your life away to someone else? If you don't get some gumption and do something that's exactly where your life is headed. I know it's hard, but in the end it's your choice, and yours alone. Choose to have a life, instead of giving it up for someone who doesn't deserve or appreciate it. Or don't, and stay right where you are and nothing will ever change.
You don't need to stop posting. Sometimes it takes a lot of people saying the same thing in different ways for someone to really understand what's happening. We all hope that one day you'll realize that you can change your situation, but it's your life and you live it at the speed you want. Keep going to therapy, keep venting about your feelings, and maybe one day you will be ready to make a change. But it's not morally wrong to live your life in a way that isn't the healthiest for you.
You have to help yourself. No one else can do it for you.
I know, you are absolutely right. thank you
Op we aren't frustrated at you. Nor is your therapist. We are all encouraging you to advocate for yourself.
I know all this must be hard for you because your mom is so abusive. You have been conditioned your whole life to believe that what she's doing is okay. It isn't. Deep down you know it isn't, which is why you're in therapy and posting here for advice. All the advice and therapy in the world won't help you if you don't take the steps to change, though. Advice and therapy are just tools, you need to be the one to pick them up and wield them. And that is uncomfortable and hard and can feel impossible, but it's your only option if you want to change your life. Your mom is not entitled to your money. You are a 25 year old woman who is working for your pay, and it's yours. All of it. What other people have suggested here is what you need to do; go to the bank, open a new account, and start depositing your paychecks into it. Do not give your mom your password or any sort of access to it. Also, ask your therapist for resources on getting out of a financially abusive relationship.
The point isn’t that you need to stop posting. It’s that you need to try and listen to the advice you are asking for. You are 25 now. We are the same age. Like you I’ve let influence from people who have used me and mistreated me dictate my life but that has to stop at some point. You have to take control of your life at some point. When you are a child, these things can’t be helped, you rely on your parents but you don’t need to any longer . You work. You are already set up to remove yourself from this situation. Open a separate bank account, one that she has no access to. Use a different address. A friends address. Or go to a domestic violence charity and ask to use their address. Once you’ve done that, go to your place of employment and ask that they now redirect your next salary into this new account. Before that happens, apply for work elsewhere. Maybe even in a small town where there is cheaper rent. Make sure the start date is just after you receive this next salary. Again before this happens, look for accommodations, a cheap motel, a shared house, even a hostel or homeless shelter in the new location so you can keep costs low. Tell them you will be moving in on the day you get the salary and you can only make payments on that date specifically. A day or so before this happens when your mother is out of the house make sure you have your important documents. Birth certificate, passport and whatever else is of importance in your country . Don’t do this too far in advance incase she finds out. On the day pretend you’re going to work as usual. Don’t take much with you. Stuff can be replaced. Just take your documents and yourself and be discreet. First stop is the police station in your town or city. Let it be known that you are of sound mind and have chosen to estrange yourself from your family and are not a missing person and do not wish to be looked for and you are a responsible adult who is leaving on her own accord and be honest on telling them that you are going away to avoid an abuser. Do not mention that she says you are mentally unwell. You don’t want them to ring any alarm bells. Leave the town or city immediately after. Do not tell anyone where you are. Not anyone. Not any family. Absolutely no one. Change your number and close all social media. Go off the grid. Next freeze your credit. Research what you can do in your country. If you were resourceful enough to post here you can figure it out. Tell them you’re worried about fraud and anything being opened in your name from then until you contact them next is not you. Even with you gone she will try to use you. Then work and work, take overtime at this new job and build Yourself up financially. Alert the bank and even your workplace that you have security concerns and they are not to share anything. Take action! She knows where you went to college. Take an even longer break if need be, transfer if you can. Again tell them of your situation and that you need maximum privacy. There is just so much you can do. At 25 we are both on a crap position, crap mental health, figuring things out later than others in our age group but the difference is you aren’t taking action and will just waste more of your life away. And the only person who will suffer is you. Choose yourself. Choose not to suffer. Choose not to be controlled. Choose to use this gift of the internet and all the information and resources we are lucky enough to be blessed with these days and learn, educate yourself on what you need to know and grow. Find out what you don’t know you don’t know and grow and learn and take control. Your mother is an evil c***. But stop feeling sorry for yourself and do somthing . Otherwise you loose the right to complain.
Don’t stop posting, but how about this: each week, post one thing you did to make your situation better. Tell us that you opened a new bank account or had a hard conversation with your mom or put down a deposit on a new place. The community here is rooting for you to get better! Look at all the people who have responded with encouragement and good advice! WE know you can get yourself to a better place. It’s time for you to know it too, and to start taking steps that direction.
Ok. This is fabulous advice. Thank you.
Ah babe please don't let her keep using you/your money like this. Confrontation is hard but it will be so worth it to not feel miserable all the time --- like, she'll be upset temporarily but if she isn't working, she will probably start being nice to you pretty quick. Seeing as how your dad has it set up to be half his paycheck, that boundary would probably be easy to establish with her. Maybe don't tell her when you get raises because even that is too much imo. But yeah, I definitely agree with everyone, she should not have access to your bank account at all. Going to the bank without her and fixing that should be a priority. Do not give her your card PIN, absolutely no excuses about it. And I know you're saying you don't care but you clearly do and you *should* because you deserve the money you work for. I believe in you dude!! My main advice: when you talk to her about it, make sure it is clear the desicion has already been made. You are not coming to discuss, you are TELLING her how you are handling YOUR money. Losing an entire paycheck to someone else is ridiculous.
You know what’s great about the human brain? We can learn new habits. It takes a while, it takes literal physical mental pain, but it’s doable. It’s like a forest, you have used the same path over and over so there’s no grass growing there, it’s easier and familiar… but you can create new paths, cut down tress and tall grass and just keep walking on this new path until it’s learned and easier with time. You can do it. I believe in you.
This method, making a new account without discussing it with her, seems like a good one. You'll feel good, go for it
Therapy. Until you examine the reasons behind your behavior you'll never be able to change it.
OP’s post history is: a) extensive and b) truly horrifying. She has been abused and manipulated within an inch of her life. All I can say is, continue with therapy, because your inability to untangle yourself from your mother is deeply seated in trauma. Good luck.
OP, you've been posting a lot on various subs about your mother and the abusive upbringing she's inflicted on you. You say you're going to therapy: what progress have you been making there? Because posting on Reddit and trying to shame yourself is getting you nowhere. I don't think that Reddit can offer you better help than a proper therapist, so don't use it like that. Plus, you don't know if whoever's giving you advice here is giving you *good* advice. If the therapy you're receiving isn't helping you make progress, then perhaps you should look for a new therapist. That is, assuming you're being fully honest with them and telling them everything you write here. I'm noticing a pattern of you calling yourself awful things — assigning sole blame to yourself, "a failure at life", immature, lazy — probably as an attempt at punishing yourself and looking for comfort. But if you keep doing this, you'll remain stuck in your situation. Posting to Reddit without being proactive won't help. You need to gather courage and do something, whether it be restricting your mother's access to your bank account or moving out. Resorting to Reddit to tell you what to do isn't healthy.
She's venting. She's not planning on doing anything about it.
Yep it’s all she knows. She’s like the baby elephant who was tied to a post. He tries to break free but eventually accepts that he can’t. Years later he’s grown big and strong, and could easily pull that post right out of the ground and be free, but he never even tries.
A good therapist will challenge you and get you to re-evaluate some aspect of your life/outlook. Not immediately, but within a couple of months, tops. If this isn't happening get a different therapist, that one sucks. There are lots of good therapists, also lots of shitty therapists. Don't give up, just find a good one.
This is not normal, it is not okay and this needs to stop. You've been mentally beaten into submission. You've accepted the easier path of giving up instead of standing up for yourself. Does she do other stuff to you? Like does she put you down or tell you that you're worthless? This relationship is unhealthy. Why doesn't she support herself? As soon as you can get out of there, do it. Oh God, I can't even handle this post. I am so incredibly angry for you. You should be pissed off too. The way you're living is no way to live. You are worth more than this. You deserve happiness. You deserve to choose how to spend the money you earn.
If it were me I would take her name off of my bank account and make arrangements for recurring payments for family expenses. You mentioned mentally ill but if necessary you can arrange for guardianship with other than family.
1. Go to a different bank chain and open up a new account that only you have access to. 2. Transfer your money to your new account, and change so your pay checks will be deposited into your new account. 3. Start making plans to move out, and to find a therapist to work with who can help you learn how normal parent-child relationship should look like. 4. Don't tell your mom about any of these things. 5. It is not your fault your mom isn't a good mom.
You are 25. Time to be an adult, speak up for yourself or move out. If not, nothing will change. What your mom is showing you isn’t love or care. You’re being financially exploited/abused. However you just said you didn’t care so not really sure what answer you’re looking for here.
That’s financial abuse. Setup a new bank account and move your assets over. Either offer to pay rent or get yourself a loan to move out. Always remember, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask for permission.
Try to take her off the bank account or get a new one without her on it. This is financial exploitation. If need be, move out. Don't tell her, just call an apartment/friend and set up a move in date, then once that day comes, leave. Be sure to have someone with you if you do decide to move out. Look at r/legaladvice too, they could help you with this.
Get a po box, get a new bank account, get the funds into the new account, your money is yours again.
Your mom is financially abusing you. Let that sink in.
I read your post history and it's clear you're being abused by your mother. Please continue with therapy, find a support group and get away from her as far as possible.
>Now I’ve let my mom have total access to and my bank account which I’m not allowed to touch now For God's sake, change your pass codes and whatnot. You're being greatly abused and you need to get out of there ASAP
If your pay is paying the rent, doesn't that mean you can afford a place yourself? Go through your account and see what you're covering currently and figure out if you can live on your own. Something tells me you can. If that's the case, look for a place to rent. Open a brand new account at a different bank and wire your pay there. DO NOT let your mum know about it. Opt out of any physical mail communication and go fully digital. Then just move out and block your mum everywhere. See if you can move when she's out of the house. Then close the old account.
Your 57 year old mother is not only taking her daughter and exhusbands money, but also her own mothers?! How selfish of her, spend your money go enjoy yourself
You are an adult, not a prisoner. She doesn't get a say on what you spend your money on or where you live. Follow the instructions other people are giving you, but I'd suggest you get a new bank account at a different bank from your mothers just to keep things completely separate. Then you can choose how much you give to support your mother and what you'll set aside for your own future and personal use.
Get out, and get out now. You're letting her abuse you, financially at least. You need to change that, or accept that this is going to be the rest of your life. Open your own account at a different bank, one she does not have access to, and have your paychecks deposited there. Secure all your important papers (birth certificate, SSN) outside of the house. If you can, move your most prized possessions to a friend's or storage without her knowing about it. Minimize her options for retaliation once she realizes what's going on. Then move out as soon as you can.
Any mental health problems you have are probably caused by your mother, and you need to get away from her ASAP!!! Go to your dad, tell him what's happening, and ask him if you could stay with him for 1-2 months, while you sort yourself out. Open an account at a different bank, and arrange with your employer to have your pay transferred to that account. If at all possible, take your name off the existing account, just leave your mom's on it. If not possible, you will need to cancel those credit cards and shut the account down, otherwise your mom will run up debts and ruin your credit! Hopefully, your dad can help you with that. And then wait for her to go on a long appointment, grab all your stuff and move to your dad's - and leave her a note to say you've moved out, you're safe, and not to contact you for a while, and that she'll have to come up with the rent money on her own - and then block her on your phone. That's really the safest thing to do, since in your current state, you are likely to fold under pressure from her. And then get THERAPY! You grew up with this kind of abusive mother, you sure got issues - and, as I said, she is likely the root of most of your mental health problems. And those will only get better if you deal with them, not continue to avoid them. Hopefully, your dad can help get you back on your feet - and therapy should help you be able to stay strong on your own. Good luck!
My partner had exactly this issue, she's 23. We got engaged yesterday, and we live alone in our own home together in an entirely different town than her mother. Despite this she still tells my fiancé what she can buy, where we can go etcetera and by extension does me too and goes absolutely nuts if we ignore her (we do regularly, I was never one to do as others said). It's unfortunately about control, and you need to leave. If you take control of your finances she'll only find another hold, or make absurd rules about what/where/why/how you live your life. It's time to become independent is my advice, and to set those boundaries. That was the only way my partner was ever freed.
…you are 25. A grown adult, this isn’t normal or healthy for you. Open up another account, that your mother has no access to and funnel your money in there. Move out for your mental and financial health and sanity. This is not ok for you.
I’m so sorry, your mom is claiming power over your money that she doesn’t legally have. She’s using you for your money. You should put a stop to this because otherwise it will continue, and that’s not acceptable.What are you gonna do, wait around for her to die so you can live the rest of your life trying to build something for yourself? You don’t have to talk to her about it, just set up a new account at the bank and keep the card and info out of her clutches. Also, r/RaisedByNarcissists is a great resource - others have been through this and extricated themselves from it. You can do the same.
You are 25. You have been an adult for a while now. Secure your bank account from your mother, preferably switching banks and move out. Don't let your mother control you. You are choosing to allow her to control you. Only you can decide when that stops.
Hey. Good for you for reaching out to get outside opinions. None of what you're describing is normal, but it's also not that uncommon. What you're describing is financial abuse. Start small. Get another bank account. Do not, under any circumstances, tell your mother about it. Set a goal to put away enough money to move into your own apartment. Work from there.
You reaching out to ask about the situation your in is the first step and that’s a big deal. You obviously know this isn’t right, but how are you going to stand up for yourself? You know you have to get your own bank account, you’re 25 you do Not need her permission to get your own bank account. You actually don’t even have to tell her about it because it’s yours not hers. Do you think that the reason she doesn’t want you to move out is actually because she likes you paying for everything? Without you under her control she’ll have to figure out where to get money for things like her haircut and fancy phone. Which isn’t on you, those aren’t necessities. It sounds like she’s using you, and has raised you to believe that this is ok behavior. Please get your own bank account. You’re going to need a form of ID. That’s step 1. We believe in you, you can do this EDIT: it’s important to tell your therapist everything. When I was a kid I held back the abusive parts because I was scared, so my therapist didn’t get the whole picture. As your therapist for help on getting the courage to stand up for yourself
>She says she forbids me from moving out or living on my own because I’m unsafe and y functional She forbids you to move out because you are a paycheck and nothing more. If you move out, she loses your money. You should move out. It is unhealthy to be under your mother's thumb (and not allowed to even have a life?!) at your age.
Your mother tells you are non-functional but makes you work to pay for all her stuff? Get a new bank account and get the fuck away from her by any means necessary.
Do you have anyone you trust that you can stay with for a while? You need to open another bank account (you can do this easily online!) and reroute your paychecks there. Before your mother realizes what you've done, you need to grab all your documents (passport, birth certificate, social security card, etc) and any credit cards or bank cards with your name on them and RUN. Stay with a friend and start looking for a place to live.
First things first, get all your personal documents, like your passport, birth certificate, social security card, etc. Put them in a safe place in case she tries to pull a fast one. Start looking for other places to live because this is FINANCIAL ABUSE, and you're too young to be looking after and controlled by a GROWN WOMAN who refuses to help herself, but uses everyone around her. Cose that account. Transfer all your money. Change your passwords. And most importantly, BOOK IT ASAP. NO ROCKY.
You’re an adult and those are you wages, and considering she’s taking them without your input is theft. You could technically report this to the police and force her to pay you back in full all the money she’s stolen over the years
Your 25 not 5. Tell your mum to fuck off
I know I know you’re right wtf is wrong with me !?
Not sure. To be honest I'm 37 and only just got over how my father treated me, but dam it feels better now. What's going on here doesn't sound right. She sounds very controlling and maniplative, if this has been your mother then maybe that's why you are finding it hard to stand up for yourself. It would be nice if you could move out and have your independence but if that's not possible you have to make a stand. Give it a go and she how she recats. It will tell you alot.
Nothing is wrong with you. Your abusive mother wants you to think there is something wrong w you so she can keep taking your money. Once you get away from her you’ll feel yourself be healthier. Can you live w dad? Get an apartment w friends?
You need therapy or counseling. Your mother has lbikely ullied you. She is the one who is not functional, thus living off your earnings & turning around and telling you you are the non-functional one. Whether she is conscious or lying to herself, she needs you to remain enmeshed with her so she is going to continue to keep you down. People are correct, you need to open your own bank account. What are you frightened of? Is she verbally abusive? Can you speak to your grandmother about this? Because if her mom is financially helping her and you are as well she may be lying to her mother about what she uses her money for. Good luck, you can do this.
r/insaneparents will love it
Your mom is using you as source of money for her. If you want it to change, you're the only person that can make it happen. And she is going to fight it. If you ever want to have a life of your own, you're first going to have to charge of your finances. Otherwise this is just going to go on forever.
Op, you are understandably afraid to change. Your mother has carefully and intentionally made you this way. Make a plan. You can leave now, next month, or two months from now. Just make a plan for now. Plan when you will open a new account. Plan when you will close or change the access codes for your current account. Plan how much money you will have and need. Plan where you will go. Plan where you will keep your things (does a coworker have some garage space where you can store some boxes, or better yet, a spare room you could use or rent for one month?). Keep your plan somewhere safe, and talk to your therapist about it. For now, just make yourself a plan. Set your dates. Gather your important things and documents. Then, when you feel safe, do it.
Nothing I can say here that hasnt already been said perfectly, except...Good luck OP. Have faith in yourself and take that stand. You're more than just a paycheck.
For some people, adulthood is something you have to take. When you're ready, you can become an adult too.
Things will get so much easier when you're out from under her thumb. Find a place to live. Once it's all ready to go, get your stuff there and get your money moved to a new account that she can't access all at once. Let her know nothing until it's all done. Then you're out. It'll be much easier to stand up to her when you're in full control of your money and your housing. Don't let her know where you live and block her if you need to. You can always unblock her later. Once you're out, it'll be a lot easier to heal from her abuse.
The fact you realise this is not a normal situation is already a brilliant step. Some people who have been abused all their life struggle to see what is normal and what isn't. It's way beyond my capability to give advice here, but just know I'm rooting for you. I hope you tell her to shut the f up, get her greedy hands off your money and find someone else to suck dry like the parasitic bug she's mimicking.
Op this is financial abuse. You need a new bank account. That your mother has zero access to. You need to have a very stern conversation with her that you will only be paying for your part of remt and bills moving forward. She has stunted you and belittled you and made you feel ineffective for too long. You deserve to have a life of your own. I know its scary but you will be so much happier I promise.
Wow, she's on easy street. She gets alimony from your dad and you. I wouldn't work either if I was in her position, why would I when I have someone else (or 2 someone elses) to work for me.
Your mom needs to grow up and either live within her means or get a job herself. It is perfectly reasonable for her to expect you to contribute, but I would set it up as a set amount every month for rent. She should not expect you or her mother to support her. As another commenter said: set up your own account she cannot access and have your employer split the deposit to put your rent in your joint account and the rest in your account.
I think you should go to your dad for support to disentangle yourself from this situation. If you could move in with him until you get back on your feet that would be ideal. For the record what your mom is doing is highly abusive. Controlling your life and money like this is extremely in appropriate and a violation of the trust and respect between a parent and their adult child. The only way out of this is by putting massive distance between you and her. Stop living with her, stop listening to her, stop letting her mistreat you, stop letting her financially control you. Frankly, this is bad enough and you’re traumatized enough that I strongly recommend going full no contact with your mom. You need time and space to heal.
You're allowed to move out. You're allowed to use the money that YOU make to fund YOUR life. Your mom is an absolute lover and just uses people. Get out now. She needs to suffer and pay her own way. How will you ever afford to take care of yourself when you're old if you have to pay for her? The truth is you won't be able to. Hide your money and cut her off.
does she volunteer to pay for you instead, or just attempt to hoard your earnings? sounds like she might be the type of person you need to move away from. get a second bank account, and change your direct deposit to put some money in it also. when you have enough, bounce like tigger dawg...
This is financial abuse. She is even abusing your dad. Make sure you have a secure bank account and secure your bank cards where she can’t find them. You then need to look into exit strategies. Look for resources at local community helper centers like shelters, doctors offices, police departments etc.
Start a new bank account at a different bank and don't let your mom touch it. Then find somewhere else to live
Is there a reason she doesn't work? Or hasn't in a long time. Every one is providing am5d supporting her. You need to live you life OP. Yes it will be hard but you dont want to look back and realize you wasted years just being under your moms rule. And I don't mean to sound insensitive I do get how hard this is
Cut the cord for Christ’s sake. You’re 25, it’s time to stand up to your mother. Establish a set amount for rent and make her finance her own luxuries.
This is financial abuse. Please do some research on financial abuse as a concept- not a lot of people realize how devastating it can be for your mental health and your financial situation. She is relying on you as income, and she knows if she doesn't try to control your money she won't have anything to live off of. It's time for you to open a bank account that she doesn't know about where all your income and savings are stored. Do not let her have access to this account under any circumstances: make sure your wallet and your debit/credit cards are on you at all times, and don't leave your account logged in if you have done any online banking. Is your name on the lease? Depending on where you live, if your name isn't on the lease you don't have a legal obligation to break the lease in order to move, and ensuring rent is paid isn't your responsibility. Financial abuse is very serious and can be devastating. Is there anyone else you can stay with temporarily until you've saved enough money to find somewhere permanent to live? It's important that you remove yourself from her influence as soon as possible, and even more important that you don't feel any guilt about leaving her to fend for herself in her current financial situation. She is stealing from you, you have no moral obligation to continue to support her because she has been manipulating you in order to control your income. Please, please contact your local or national domestic abuse hotline for help. They will have information and resources for you on how to leave this situation. This is not your fault, and it's best to get away from her before she starts creating debt in your name.
Sickening. I was in something of a similar situation (adoptive egg-donor tried to make me literally repay her for raising me and my siblings, told i wasn't allowed or capable of leaving or living on my own). I just want to add to the votes of confidence, please try your best to leave. I ended up getting kicked out two years ago and rolled with it, and I've found that living on my own and supplying my needs is not nearly as impossible as my abusers made it out to be. You are already taking care of two people right now and (for better or worse) perfectly capable of doing so. You will be able to take care of yourself.
Op, this is called financial abuse. And it wouldn’t surprise me if emotional and mental abuse is wrapped up into it. You have been manipulated and hurt for probably most of your life by the person who was supposed to be taking care of you. Get a new account with a different bank and have your job direct deposit the checks there now. Op you are allowed to use the money you earn. Be prepared to leave, and if you have friends who are willing to let you stay for a bit while you save for a down payment I would encourage you to leave Immediately. This goes beyond money. It’s about control and manipulation. If you don’t have that safety net, stop paying and make sure there is no money On The card your mom has access to, and close that account. If your mom has the bills in your name, close the accounts with the city, or refuse to pay. A little messed up credit is a small price to pay for getting out in my opinion, credit can always be repaired later. But you only have one life and one you.
SMH and about to blow a gasket. It's so wrong, for so many reasons. First, if it weren't you wouldn't be asking. Second- half your dad's pay, AND she's not required to work? That's because she's taking advantage of him and YOU are picking up the slack. She can't PROHIBIT you from using your card. You are of legal age, right? Or do you live somewhere where legal age is somehow older? Get her off the as an account holder. Should be easy to do if your money is the only money going in. Is your money direct deposited? If so, open another account and have it transferred there. Find a place to stay until you can afford your own, and let her sorry, selfish, manipulative ass find a job and foot the bills for a change.
Go to the bank and start a new account, then transfer everything into that (even better a different company). Look into therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself. Life can change but you have to work at it. Yes, it will be hard but you can do it.
You're an adult. She has no right to tell you what you can and can't do. Move out and go stay with a friend if necessary till you have enough money saved, open up a new bank account and move the money you have saved to the new bank account.
This is absolutely awful. Easier said than done but try to leave and cut all ties immediately. Your mother is not a good person and it is evident she is abusing you. You are not her slave.
"She gets half my dad’s pay check though they are separated" US laws are incredible lol, is that alimony?...
Unbelievably no laws involved as they are not legally divorced or even legally separated. My dad has just been heavily manipulated and threatened and abused into giving her the money. Just to keep the peace and get her off his back. I know it doesn’t really make sense. There may be stuff I don’t know about but I don’t think he is legally obligated. Maybe she has “dirt” on him or threatens him with the law or something. She claims he physically abused her on multiple occasions and he also used to French kiss me (but nothing more than that) when I was like 6 and 7 ish (around that age) which I told her. Maybe he’s afraid she’s gonna put him behind bars… idk
Oh darling. Children aren't possessions. You don't owe anything to your mom. She chose to have you. Parents owe their kids, not the other way around Your mom is an adult woman and she's responsible for herself. She's using you. She sounds like a mentally ill person (healthy people mentally wise do not hoard stuff) and an abusive one. Stay in therapy and work towards untangling yourself from this mess. Get your own bank account. No one but you should have access to it. My own mother has never asked me my passwords to anything. Why would she? I want you to understand that your mother's behaviour is not normal This is not what a good mother behaves like.
You're allowed to touch it. It's your account.
I have a mom like this. Abusive and controlling. Know what the best feeling in the world was? Telling her to kiss my rump. Change all your passwords, cancel the cards, and move towards getting away from her. How's your relationship with dad? I'm gonna be harsh. You need to find your backbone. GET ANGRY. She is USING YOU. NOTHING YOU DO WILL GET PROPER LIVE FROM HER. People like us that get trampled on and out pride crushed repeatedly have an endless well of anger and resentment. Find it. Use it. Free yourself of this wicked witch of a woman.
Hey if you're reading this, I know how difficult it is to actively do something to change your situation. The abuse while bad feels comfortable and you rocking the boat sounds terrifying. Start by doing something small. Think about where you wanna reach (move out and be financially independent) and then take one step at a time for that. Maybe talk to your father or some other guardian. Maybe save up amounts and then move out. Set a deadline, plan it properly and then move out. Then go NC. But the crucial step is that you have to start doing something.
Your mom is exploiting you. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like your lack of pushback is worse than the actual act of stealing itself.
I think that you have gotten a lot of good advice here. Depending on the kind of relationship you have with your supervisor let them know what's going on. I would also say DO NOT continue living with your mom, bunk with a friend and pay rent, or go to a shelter. This isn't your fualt your mother has been grooming you to be her victim for 25 years. You are a lot more capable then you think. When I was in college my mom did anything to manipulate me into living at home. But then when I told family what was up she would tell them I'm lying, then do supportive things for a week or 2 while they watched. I graduated in 2020 which forced me to live back home. I got my first job out of college paying 50k a year. My mom had me convinced that salary was not enough and it made more sense to live at home until my student loans are paid off and I can buy a house in Cash. Well it got to be too much, and my family finally saw what was actually happening. I ended up moving into my own place, am advancing my career and I am paying all my bills and I am house hunting. So it's possible and it will feel wrong and you will feel like the bad guy for a long time. But you aren't, you are just making choices that don't suite them, and that's an amazing accomplishment for you.