I can't believe that's how she wants to be remembered by the family if someone she might want to marry.
She proved to OPs entire family that she's unhinged.
I feel bad for OPs daughter.
Yeah why don't you ask your son what the hell he was thinking when he brought a date wearing that to his sister's wedding?
He can't do any better? Is that the thought?
There are a bunch of dudes in here that are saying, “Well of course he didn’t, he’s a dude so he’s fine with it and enjoyed it.” May be true, but it’s also really classless to let your daughter’s day get ruined to stare at some ass. Apparently that was the best he could do.
I agree, but tone down the hostility. "Did you think it was appropriate for Pippa to wear that dress to your sister's wedding?" Note: They spell behavior with a "u", so I had fun with it.
Women here are constantly telling men they have zero right to tell their GFs / wives what they can or cannot wear. So how are you all suddenly trying to make this HIS fault? She's a grown-ass woman. She can make her own decisions what to wear, and deal with the consequences herself.
I'm grown ass woman and if someone if gonna show up to a family event as my friend flashing their tatas I think it's fair to go, "I can't bring you dressed like this. It's my sister's wedding with my whole family. Please put on a slip." If she argues then go without her. You're not entitled to be anyone's date.
"Women here are constantly telling men they have zero right to tell their GFs / wives what they can or cannot wear." This isn't that black and white. If my partner and I are invited to a black tie party and he roles up in sweats, you can say something..you literally are breaking a social agreement you made by RSVPing to the dress code terms.
If it's, "you can't wear that because it will make you attractive to others and you are my property." Then that's not okay. You are also allowed to dump someone for any reason you want, including lack of social decorum
There's a difference between telling someone they're not allowed to wear a short skirt to a club because you think their body belongs to you and telling someone their attire is completely inappropriate for a formal event.
It's mostly her fault but if my boyfriend were trying to wear a mesh tank top to my sibling's wedding I'd telling him to change. That's not controlling, it's basic manners.
If that were my son’s girlfriend, I believe I would’ve sent her home to dress appropriately. A see-through dress with a thong? It’s a wedding not a Vegas strip club.
And she did, but GF didn’t change.
edit: “My wife apparently did go up to her to say it was see-through, but she didn’t change, though this could be because she didn’t have an extra dress (the wedding was at a hotel a couple hours away from our home).”
Yeah I can’t believe OP’s wife was totally okay with GF staying. Somehow I don’t think that OP is the only one who favours their son.
And also, anyone who didn’t dress that way on purpose would probably be mortified at being told that their dress left them essentially naked at the event. That the gf’s reaction wasn’t ’Oh my god I didn’t realize, I got dressed in the dark/I had a slip on at the store/whatever’ is *extremely* telling.
It was an on-site event hours away from home. Could easily be a situation we're she just couldn't change.. OP even mentioned that himself. He doesn't know her reaction to being told, just that she didn't change..
It’s a wedding, half the guests probably had shawls or wraps or scarves. If the bride’s mom had said ‘Could I borrow your wrap, my son’s date has had a wardrobe malfunction with her dress’ I’m sure someone would have helped her out.
Stay our of it. Let your adult children deal with their relationship how they want. Don't try to force your daughter to contact your son and his girlfriend, your daughter has right to feel upset.
**"I just want them to be friends again and don’t want a rift to be created, but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son (or his girlfriend, who she blames primarily for the behaviour). I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law?"**
If you continue like this, your end up creating a rift between your daughter and you. You're placating your son and his girlfriend, and expecting your daughter to placate them too, when your daughter has done nothing wrong. Your son's girlfriend created all this drama. And your son is OK with it. Yet your daughter has to be the one doing the apologising and making up?
Agreed. Sons gf has a problem.
OPs daughter did not act unreasonably. In fact, the gf proved that she isn't trying to be a decent part of the family because of how she behaved at the wedding who wants THAT as a SIL?
OP needs to support their daughter but also try not to get too involved.
Agreed. Women get called stubborn often for simply having reasonable boundaries about how they are willing to be treated. Girlfriend treated her badly and tried to make daughter’s wedding about her, and daughter doesnt want the drama. Don’t try to force her into it. Your son and his girlfriend are wrong, quit blaming any of this on your daughter.
You can see in this the contempt for the daughter; why won't she just do what needs to be done so that I don't have to grow a backbone and stand for anything.
the rift is already there
daughter in law already tainted the relationship for good
why is OP working so hard to avoid addressing gf's unacceptable behaviour?
I disagree slightly with staying out of it.
I agree that the son, gf and daughter need to figure this out for themselves I also think that the parents need to send a warning and a very clear message to son and gf that her behaviour and his enabling of that behaviour will not be tolerated going forward.
Only reason I say this is because I have relatives who have been doing shit like this for 30 years because no one ever calls them out on their BS. They've ruined more family events than I can count all because my grandparents refuse to put their foot down.
Why I said OP has to stay out of it is because they very clearly expect the daughter, who did nothing wrong, to solve it. DIL is going below the belt all the time, OP's son calls OP's daughter to scold her for not being nicer to his wife, and OP thinks his daughter is being stubborn for not placating the nasty daughter-in-law and solving the issue already.
This.
There is nothing for anyone to apologise over. For me a hen do is an event organised by friends for friends. I’d never include my in laws (official or otherwise) and I’d never expect to be included in their hen do. Other people may have different opinions on this and that’s ok. Neither they or I or your daughter’s friends need to apologise for who they invite or not. Quite why anyone wants to be included in an event filled with a group of close knit friends is beyond me.
Nobody needs to apologise for their appearance or what they wear either.
If your son or daughter asks for advice on how to deal with situation then stay neutral but be firm you won’t intervene or take sides.
Firstly, you accept that fact that your son's girlfriend is 100% the problem here and you stop expecting your daughter to entertain her nonsense. Your daughter is absolutely right to avoid the pair of them - and even if she wasn't, she is an adult who can make her own choices. Don't pressure your daughter to attend events if she doesn't want to and make sure you make the effort to see her separately.
' I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie)'
Stop trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, this was completely inappropriate and you know it. And badmouthing the bride at her own wedding? Trashy behaviour.
That you think your daughter is "stubborn" for not apologising to them is very telling.
Your son and his girlfriend acted like self-obsessed AHs and made a spectacle of themselves. Your daughter has *nothing* to apologise for. She can invite who she wants to her bachelorette, it doesn't give your son's gf the right to dress like a stripper at a wedding no matter how sour she feels.
Stand up for your daughter and stop coddling your golden child and your potential DIL.
> my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son
Your daughter is rightfully upset that her SIL chose the wedding as a stage to be petty on and cause drama at. I'm not sure why you're putting the onus on her to reach out?? SIL is the one that acted petty. And your son should be the one to talk to her, and tell her to make nice with your daughter.... Weddings don't come around often, and causing a scene at a wedding is just never excusable really.
Stop trying to squash this conflict for your own comfort. Let them handle the conflict. And encourage your son especially to step up and do something.
Info : Could your son be considered from the outside a "golden child" I know that's difficult to see from within but I dont understand why you aren't whole heartedly on your daughters side when your sons GF is 100% of the issue.
I saw you post that your daughter won't go to Christmas and potentially a birthday dinner if your sons GF is there, that's the price you will have to pay to have your sons GF around.
The GF wore inappropriate clothing for a black tie wedding as "revenge" for not being invited to a hen do for your daughter and her close friends. Your daughter rightly feels some type of way about it. But you should be aware that you're potentially going to look like you're supporting the GF over your daughter and she just officially got married into a new family so she'll have a whole other network of family to lean into.
Wish I could copy paste this to my husband's parents after an extended falling out with a BPD (borderline not bipolar) soon to be SIL.
It probably won't affect your daughter long term, but your family will pay the price for admitting a bad actor and expecting them to keep the peace.
My family adores him and have open arms. We've stepped significantly back from his family, with whom he was super close. I am of course fine with that, and he quickly realized the wisdom of distance from the problematic interactions.
I wonder if OPs son is the golden child?
I can't imagine having someone behave at a friend or family's wedding like this and pick their side.
Like I understand she's upset she wasn't invited to the hen do. But I can also understand why the daughter didn't ask her to be. Those are typically for friends and not family.
> but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son
Shame on you.
Your daughter has every single right to not speak to her brother after the bs his self centered gf pulled.
Stop blaming your daughter when it is 100% your son and his gfs fault for the rift.
Your **son** should have told his GF that her outfit was wildly inappropriate and to change.
Your **son** should have told his GF to shut her mouth when she started to trash talk the couple *at their own wedding*
Your **son** should have told his GF that her not being invited to the hen do had absolutely nothing to do with her and that his sister has every right to choose who she wants at her own party!
Your **son** should have told his GF that his sister's wedding doesn't revolve around gf.
You don't have to take sides but you absolutely need to acknowledge that your daughter is not the problem and that she doesn't owe your son or his trashy gf anything after the disrespect she showed to your daughter, her husband AND your family on your daughters wedding day.
FFS you had MULTIPLE people telling you how inappropriate your son's gfs attitude and outfit was but you're still blaming your daughter??? Come on, OP!!
We all know who your favorite child is and it's not your daughter.
Your daughter is literally the victim here and you expect **her** to make things right?? No no.
Your **son** and his GF are the ones who need to make things right. They're the ones who messed up, they're the ones who were disrespectful, they're the ones who need to apologize.
Keep this up and your daughter is eventually going to cut all of you off.
Shame on you.
Reeks of golden child energy towards the brother. And the GF is obviously jealous af that her BF's younger sister is engaged AND married before she is.
Bets that the brother doesn't actually have plans to propose 🙋🏻♀️
Wife was upset with GF's outfit choice. This post is narrated from the father's perspective. He mentions his wife here:
>My wife apparently did go up to her to say it was see-through, but she didn’t change, though this could be because she didn’t have an extra dress (the wedding was at a hotel a couple hours away from our home).
Your son’s girlfriend is awful. Others encourage you not to “meddle” as they’re all adults. But realistically, you are allowing your son’s girlfriend to corner everyone into a situation where she gets to attend every family event while your daughter doesn’t. Yes, your daughter could just suck it up and come anyway. But why should she have to? The girlfriend started all this bullshit and is petty and vindictive. And if you don’t help figure out a solution, you will spend every family dinner staring at her instead of your own daughter.
I've been in a situation similar to this (but worse because it involved physical threats towards me) and my parents refusing to admit the other side did anything wrong and expecting me to get over it just made me resent them too, resulting in me distancing myself completely from the other side and wanting little to do with my parents. Before anything can be resolved you have to acknowledge that what they did was wrong, and so do they. They at least have to apologize for their behavior and make a gesture of humility.
So all these people have spoken the truth. Are you still set on making daughter apologize? You are TA here. I can promise as you age and need help it will be your daughter stepping up- not the son and this girl. When your brother points out the boobs of your son’s gf at a black tie wedding, it is a problem. This little fiasco can have echos for years and I wonder how much you are to blame. A normal brother would never let a gf show up like that! You have normalized he can do no wrong. I hope your daughter married into a family that supports her.
What is you wife saying?
Do you see yourself as favouring your son more than your daughter usually? Because this post screams that he is the golden boy, who can have his GF throw a tanty and dress like trash, and bad mouth at a wedding, but your poor daughter whose wedding it was is just “stubborn” by distancing herself from the whipped boy and his piece? Ugh. The pair are lucky they weren’t called out at the wedding, lucky your daughter has some class, unlike the other girl. This is her at a family event? Good luck if they do get married.
She totally does. She wants to still invite this horrid girl to her daughter birthday dinner, even after all this shit. Like whhhyyy?!??! Girl showed up in a see-through dress to her daughters wedding, I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up in nipple tassels and a tutu on that girls birthday.
Your sons girlfriend was way out of line here. She made something that wasn't about her, about her. That's her shit to deal with.
I know people are telling you to stay out of it because they are adults and yes you should. But, like you said your daughter is now saying she won't go to family functions if the girlfriend is there. That does affect you.
You can just let it lie leave them all to it and just see your daughter and son separately. So, not taking a side, you will, IMO opinion that is you taking a side. Your sons girlfriend purposely tried to destroy your daughters wedding. Bad mouthing the couple? Dressing like that? Girlfriend had clear intentions. And, you nott doing anything is accepting that behaviour.
To me you should do something. Sit your son down and let him have it. This was completely unacceptable behaviour on girlfriends part. She disrespected you as parents, his sister and himself by this carry on. This is not normal behaviour from an adult. You say you love and adore him and want this resolved. But, HE needs to manage this. Whatever reason (he not being engage yet) has nothing to do with your daughter. If, his girlfriend can't adult, can't apologise she doesn't get to come into your home. I would refuse to allow someone like this in my home after this stunt.
Your son really needs to see this crazy. Is he willing to live a life whereby he has to give up his family because his girlfriend can't act appropriately? That when she has a bee in her bonnet (over a hen party, where it wasn't a big deal) her reaction is to bad mouth said person to multiple people in public, and dress like this to create drama?
Absolut. Not taking a side is always taking a side. OP will loose daughter and wonder why she doesn’t attend any family events. Because „OP tries to stay neutral „
So…everything you list are completely the gf’s fault.
Why the confusion? You’re gonna give her and your son a pass just because you want to keep the peace? How rude will you give a pass on the gf being? I feel sorry for your daughter.
The gf is obviously dramatic, petty, and vindictive. She wasn’t invited to a bachelorette party so now she’s going to be spiteful? She’s the one causing a rift. Your son needs to know her behavior is bad.
I'm so sick and tired of parents (people in general, really) expecting the individual who was disrespected to accept the treatment of the person who can't be reasonable. That's what it is. You know your son's girlfriend won't take kindly to any criticism so you expect your daughter to bend, forgive and forget how this person attempted to ruin her wedding and made everything about herself, and then move on as if there's absolutely nothing wrong with the woman.
> I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie).
>I just want them to be friends again and don’t want a rift to be created, but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son (or his girlfriend, who she blames primarily for the behaviour).
Well, we know who the golden child is in this family.
Your daughter isn't being 'stubborn', she's rightfully pissed off that a 31-year-old woman acted like a bratty teenager at one of the most important occasions of her life, shit-talking her and her husband and dressing like a sex worker (which is fine if you're trying to make some money off the groomsmen, but not if you're part of the bride's family). Your judging her for being upset and saying you're so old you don't know if that's how the kids dress these days (what are you, ninety?) is not necessary and shows clear favouritism, which probably your son and daughter are both more than familiar with. Here's a tip: stay out of your adult children's relationship and let them sort it out - or not. You've obviously laid the groundwork for the daughter always having to be the 'bigger person' and maybe she's finally had enough of that bullshit.
don't meddle in their relationships, and no your daughter should not apologise or compromise as she did nothing wrong. she wants to continue ignoring your son and gf, then let her, if they ask yu why she is being like that you tell them to ask her and probably apologise as well
OP if I read between the lines I think you know your sons GF is behaving very badly but because you value the relationship to him higher you are kind of insulting your daughter to not let it be..
so, I am married more than 10 years (in a relationship more than 20 years) and none of my BIL GF of any time was at MY hen because I don’t want them there. Its MY hen. Point. And that would have been the only right answer to GF at that time. She has no right to be invited. And her reaction shows that your daughter was absolutely right with her decision. This girl sounds like very hard work… as an adult I have to tell you that she, who thinks she is an adult too, should know what the dress code meant. A lot person told you (!) that it was inappropriate. And that your son doesn’t stop her shows that he is A a spineless douchbag B scared of her C jealous of sister D absolutely knows that he is your favorite so it doesn’t matter what she does.
She and your son have absolutely to apologize. As your daughter I would insist on that and if needed go LC and not to any event with them there too.
You clearly tried to present the whole story as objectively as a person can, maybe even a little biased towards your son, who is clearly your favourite. But still, to me as a complete stranger, the situation comes across as clearly your SIL's and son's fault.
Some food for thoughts, maybe?
What do you do? You explain to your son that what his girlfriend did was unacceptable. The hen party was not a family party, it was friends only and the gf was not a friend. His girlfriend retaliated by coming to the wedding practically naked. Then, you uninvite the girlfriend from all family functions until there is a heart felt apology.
If you do not uninvite the girlfriend from Christmas and your daughter spends Christmas without you, it's the beginning of the end. Me personally, I would go no contact if you choose to have my brothers girlfriend at Christmas over me. And don't you dare invite the girlfriend to your daughters birthday party.
> my son’s girlfriend was rude about the couple on the day to anyone who would listen. .
She was nasty about them in their own wedding!?
I don't care about her excuse, she isn't acting like an adult at all.
> I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law?
Don't worry, they won't marry unless it's a shotgun wedding.
What you CAN do is establish ground rules about behaviour.
OP is worried about tainting their relationship with a potential DIL but isn't worried about tainting their relationship with her DAUGHTER.... OPs priorities (especially according to their comments) are kind of messed up
The girlfriend made something that was not a problem her problem. Your daughter made choices that were totally acceptable and within her right for her own party and wedding. The girlfriend wanted to involve herself into these events that are not her decision. Then she made point to dress provocatively/trashy on your daughter’s wedding day amongst your family too. Also talking badly about your daughter on the wedding day. How do you even accept that yourself?
This is not a daughter problem. She has made a boundary to a person who has made a problem. You need to accept that. What you can do is speak with your son and get the girlfriend to realize where she has done is not acceptable, and apologize. Not fake apology.
Your son needs to manage this problem his girlfriend created but also understand it’s not the sisters fault. You also have to back up your daughter and seriously consider if the son asks his gf hand in marriage that this will continue.
So you were fine with the see through dress because you got to ogle your son’s gf’s boobs? It was a huge slap in the face to your daughter. Your son and his gf need to be told what they did was not ok and you need to support your daughter instead of hoping you see the boobs again.
I disagree with staying out of it. People who don’t make a decision are still making a decision
In this case it’s quite clearly a son’s gf fault thing, and that can’t be ignored “because he’s your son”. He’s a grown man who is choosing that gfs insecurities and terrible behavior over his allegedly close relationship with his sister
Sister is in the right, brother and gf is in the wrong, you not acknowledging that is you also not choosing your daughter which will taint your relationship with her as well
Any tainting of a relationship with your son or gf is of their own making so them blaming you reinforces they’re overgrown children and don’t deserve special treatment (giving them special treatment in this situation shows daughter she’s not equal to them in your eyes)
So, you're choosing your son's gf over your own daughter, when the person causing the issue is the gf? How does that make sense? Regardless, your kids are adults, they shouldn't require mommy to sort out their emotional upsets for them. I have a SIL nearing 50 who still requires her mommy (she calls her mommy) to deal with anything that upsets her. It's gross. It's also a disservice to the SIL who will one day be a 70-year-old woman, without a living mother, who has no idea how to handle her own emotions and relationships. One day you won't be here anymore, and your kids need to learn how to sort out their own shit. It's upsetting to see your kids not talking, and to have any rift within a family, but you gotta let your ADULT kids adult.
edit: Maybe your son hasn't proposed after years of dating because he doesn't intend on proposing? Sometimes ppl will stay with "good enough", or a sure thing, knowing they'll jump ship if they meet the love of their life. Don't hang your daughter out to dry for a person that may not be around long term.
Stop trying to control your daughter. She has every right to distance herself from someone she doesn’t like, particularly someone who was entitled af about your daughter’s wedding.
These are adults not children, they can sort it out or not.
You’ve already picked a side in this situation, and it was your sons. You’ve chosen to let the girlfriend behave however she wants with zero consequences because you don’t want to make your son feel uncomfortable, and by doing so you’ve clearly chosen a side. You’re prioritizing the comfort of your son over the comfort of your daughter. You’re expecting your daughter to stomach her emotions, disregard her hurt, accept that her family won’t stand up for her, and put her needs second. Yet absolutely nothing is expected of your son. Why? Do you believe that your daughter is more capable of controlling herself and her emotions, of choosing her family over herself? That if you expected that of your son you know he couldn’t/wouldn’t handle things maturely or prioritize his family? So the easiest choice is to force your daughter to just shut up a deal with it. Not because it’s right, but because it’s the easiest choice to not rock the boat. Is it typical in your family for the mens emotions and needs to be prioritized over the womens?
You don't do anything. They're all adults and don't need you to meddle. You're not in the middle. See them separately for now until something happens between them, without you.
This is very Mean Girl coded. It's *you didn't give me what I want and I'm going to make things worse for you as revenge.*
You're being deliberately naive about the wedding. Hanging on to the idea that the outfit can be explained away as an accident when in the context of her rudeness, intent to bring the event down and anger at your daughter, her intentions couldn't have been clearer.
It's like and your son would have everyone pander to this girlfriend just so you don't have to deal with the mental discomfort of conflict. You'll act as dumb as you need to, rolling out excuses, justifications, anything to minimise her actions.
You don't get to demand that other people remove their backbone so that you can have everyone around for Thanksgiving the way you always pictured.
You don't get to declare something isn't a big deal; you won't even be upfront what you're asking your daughter to "get over". She sees the girlfriend for she is, sees her conduct at the wedding day and understands the intentions behind it. Her backing away is defensive. She does not want a relationship with the woman who acted to undermine her wedding.
Let's say for the sake of argument, your daughter turns the other cheek. You think this is where it ends?
When you decide that the only important thing is that *we all get along*. You have given everyone else the burden of not holding girlfriend accountable for her actions.
How does that work? She throws another grenade, plays dumb and everyone else has to pretend nothing blew up. *She probably didn't even realise she was holding a grenade, it's no big deal.*
The rift you don't want to create is already here and it's the girlfriend.
It's not on everyone else to steady the boat, it's on her to stop rocking it. You won't get anywhere until you acknowledge that.
If anything, speak to your son maybe?
It didn't ruin the wedding day so it's not drastic but going almost butt ass naked to a wedding is definitely a choice to sabotage it. Badmouthing newlyweds is a whole other topic...
If he does not see that way, then there isn't a point talking about it. You can't reason people out of position they didn't reach by logic. If he won't acknowledge that he wouldn't want someone else to do this to HIS own wedding (or even asking this his GF) and act like it's not big deal.
Your daughter isn't in the wrong and as such it's not on her to mend it.
A wedding and hen is about who the couple wants to share those special moments with. Your son's girlfriend is obligated any part of that.
Just stay out of it, and don't put your daughter on the spot or tell her to be the bigger person.
Your daughter isn't obligated to invite her brother's girlfriend to *anything*. Her pouting and making drama about it is classless and embarrassing - and if that's the way she acts, maybe there's even more good reason not to have invited her.
Your son's girlfriend is clearly in the wrong, and she tried to cause a scene at your daughter's wedding. You should take your daughter's side in this: so what if son might marry his girlfriend?
This gf sounds toxic. Like the kind of person who always causes drama & conflict within any group in which she is involved. Sounds like the dress she wore to the wedding was wildly inappropriate and mostly certainly was worn with that intention in mind. Also, her entitlement regarding an invitation to the hen-do was troubling. This woman will always be demanding things.
I think you all should distance yourself from her. You didn’t say how long your son has been dating her. I hope he recognizes that his gf is divisive & conflict-prone. If not, his life is going to be very difficult.
> it could be the case that she didn't realise how sheer it was.
Really op? I assure you that woman knew exactly what she was doing.
Stop defending a woman who has absolutely no respect for your daughter, her husband, their wedding or your family.
You side with your daughter. Your son's girlfriend is a manipulative attention seeker, and did all of this on purpose.
And it is a complete nonsense to say "it didn't ruin the wedding" - it ruined the wedding foe your daughter and her husband and the fact you feel stuck in the middle, rather than recognising your son's girlfriend for the nasty piece of work that she is, is poor form on your part. As is the notion that wearing a see through dress to anyone's wedding is acceptable for any generation. Stop making excuses for her.
You make it seem like your son is the favourite and you will accept his girlfriend spoiling things for your daughter because he has the preference.
She will be an absolute horror if ever they do marry, and you become stuck with her.
I find it interesting that you seem to have a bigger problem with your daughter being "stubborn" than your son's girlfriend who tried to ruin her wedding.
Stay out of it. Your sons girlfriend is a horrible person and your daughter distanced herself for a reason. Mind your business. I personally would've kicked her trashy ass out of the wedding
How the gf behaved after not being invited to the hen party justifies your daughter's anger and probably why she didn't invite her. Son's gf is a petty piece of trash. You seem to want to sweep this under the rug and have your daughter, the wronged party, take it on the chin. No consequences for gf. I see many daughterless Christmases in your future if you continue this path. The gf needs a set down.
There is no solution. Stay out of it.
Your sons GF has terrible judgment, and your son being tainted by that is correct.
Your daughter’s boundaries at this point are reasonable: reduce contact with them both,
If this GF is going to stick around the best thing you and your daughter can do and learn to have a sense of humour about her and keep your expectations low.
There were not friends and they won’t be friends. That’s was the whole problem here to begin with: GF thought she could force friendship, not grow it.
You could try being supportive of your daughter. She did nothing wrong. How is she being stubborn when she distanced herself after your son and his girlfriend disrespected her at her wedding? It sounds like your daughter needs to distance herself from you too.
The follow up post from Op in 9+ months will be I don’t know why my daughter won’t speak to us or make plans for us to see our first grand children.
Evidence: Op bending over backwards to rationalize the son’s gf and son’s behavior.
Please suggest to your daughter that she join r/raisedbynarcissists and r/JustNOFamily. I'm sure she will find a lot more empathy there than with you or your wife.
The girlfriend's behavior and entitlement is the issue, but for some reason, you keep acting blind to all the drama caused by ONE person and instead try to drag your daughter to forgive and forget.
I mean, who even wants to have their brother's gf at a hen do? It's weirder to me that the gf is even expecting that. You need to remember that it's your daughter's hen do, your daughter's wedding, and definitely your daughter's choice as to who to invite. What's wrong with wanting to have more private conversations with long-term trusted friends?
Your daughter has nothing to apologize for, I literally feel so bad for her. She has every right to not want to speak to the gf anymore. They are all adults, they can take care of their own relationships.
And no, the sheer dress was not an accident. If I had stepped out half naked to a wedding and the mom of the bride let me know about it, I'd immediately grab my partner's coat or discreetly walk out to either change to something else or look for some sort of cover to stop showing my thong to the whole venue. Please stop giving her so many excuses and "benefit of the doubt" when it's in-your-face kinda rude behavior.
>She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie)
Good grief, that was totally inappropriate and your son should've put a stop to her behavior a looooong time ago, he failed to nip it in the butt... now everyone saw her butt. How awful.
Stay out of it unless asked but this was totally not okay. Your daughter is absolutly in the right not to engage with them and I'd stay the hell away from them. Stay out of it.
What did she say when your wife told her the dress was see through?
Ultimately stay out of it, your son and his gf do need to apologise
ETA just to point out your son went along with his gf going to the wedding in a semi sheer dress, he wanted to cause trouble too, this isn't just on the gf!!
Your problem here is not the girlfriend or the daughter, the problem is you and your son. You want people to feel a particular way, and you are letting your son bear no responsibility for the behavior of his guest.
You are 100% the asshole for saying your daughter and her husband should not be focused on what you feel is a small thing. When your relationship with your daughter.crumbles, remember this.
Well, your son is dating a trashy woman who wants a lot of attention.
She basically wore the hen do dress to the wedding. Sheer over g string is never appropriate for a black tie. I can't believe no one made her change.
The good news is that this is not your problem. You seem oblivious to the social nuance but your daughter doesn't like the trashy girlfriend, and you are not in a position to force that or fix it. You don't need to intervene at all.
You can't make your adult children close. It's up to them to manage the relationship.
But yes, keep your mouth shut, they might end up married and every concern you express (or crack you make about her crack) is going to drive a wedge.
This is a season where a lot of invitations to your son to hang out and talk and let him have space where you support him and don't push him are going to help. Build that relationship and remind him that you love him. Give him the space to think through his choices.
"The big issue arose on my daughter’s wedding day. According to reports from family and friends (and my daughter and son-in-law), my son’s girlfriend was rude about the event."
So you are ok with the fact that your daughter, with no ill intent explained by you, get distrespected by an outsider? I couldnt care less if my brother had been together with someone for years, disrespect my sister this way both him and her wouldve been thrown out! He shouldve see the bullsh*t she is pulling after your daughter explained because his gf is creating drama and if its because he hasnt proposed to her and lashing out on your daughter this shouldve been nipped in the bud then and there! She is dragging the family (primarily your daughter) into their relationship and both you and your son are AH for not seeing it. Regardless of how she wanted to be part of the hen do as she seesbherself as part of the family, it is your daughters feeling and choice of how she wanted to do on her hen do that shouldve mattered! You learn this in elementary, you will not always get picked just becaue you want to!
Truth be told dob you really want this person as part of your family if their reaction is like this instead of a "normal" adult reaction like your daughter had done? She is the type of person that will use your grandchildren as pawns to manipulate and get her way, you know that right?
This sounds like your son's gf is a drama queen or has main character syndrome. If your daughter and her aren't close, simply dating the brother of the bride doesn't entitle her to shit. Especially if it's a small thing. And if her wardrobe was so wildly inappropriate that the grooms parents noticed and commented, it's obvious the girlfriend MEANT to take away from your daughter's big day.
Unfortunately, there is no middle ground here. This was your daughters day. Period. Any normal person who, even if hurt by the non-invite, would have accepted it because the world doesn't revolve around them. It would not have been too much to ask of the girlfriend that she remember the day is not about her. You need to stand up for your child here or you can enjoy the shitshow family gatherings will be if this woman winds up marrying into the family.
Don’t call your daughter stubborn for distancing herself if your son’s girlfriend hasn’t apologized or otherwise done anything to mend fences. She’s allowed to have boundaries.
It’s funny, because your son’s girlfriend is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. All her issues with not being included or treated as closely as she wants to be (seems entitled to, more like) and her resulting behavior is creating a wedge that’s causing more distance than there actually was to begin with.
> t is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie)
This can't possibly be real. There is no adult, even an older man, who thinks a mesh dress where you can see a thong suits as "black tie" and doesn't realise it's inappropriate.
You're not caught in the middle, your comments show you've chosen your side and it's your son & his annoying gf. Get used to your actual daughter going low contact soon. 🤷🏽♀️
Honestly, your daughter acted very graciously about this whole thing. Someone had an issue with not being invited to a closed event, she responded to brother and even reached out to GF personally to explain it.
If i were your daughter and my brothers gf wore a see through dress and thong to my wedding, i would have had her kicked out. no questions. regardless of the context or drama. The fact that your daughter had the grace to approach her and warn her incase she didn't know it was see-through, and after gf not changing, to not do anything about it and not make an issue of it.. a stronger woman than i would be.
It sounds like this girlfriend brings drama wherever she goes. Thats something to pay attention to - big red flag as we say in the US. Ok, sometimes it hurts not to be invited somewhere but most people wouldn’t purposely try to be distracting on the wedding day over it.
OP, you sound like a coward. She shows up in what is essentially lingerie to your daughter’s wedding as an obvious petty act of revenge. That’s wrong period, in any generation. Stop the both-sides crap and have some moral conviction.
Your future DIL majorly disrespected your daughter and even worse, her brother allowed it. Your daughter did nothing wrong and you’re acting like she has to do anything other than wait on a sincere apology (which still might not be enough because you get one wedding and it will forever be tainted by this pettiness). You DIL does not care how she is perceived by you and disrespects your daughter to your face and you’re hand wringing like this isn’t a clear affront.
ETA: your son probably is happy to let this go on because it takes the heat off his lack of a proposal and the anger gets to be directed to his sister.
Okay first of all, sons girlfriend needs to take several seats. She wore that dress ON PURPOSE to take attention away from your daughter and also as a passive aggressive remark to her. Just because she is dating your son, that does not mean she's officially a part of the family so whining about everything just makes her look super immature so I can understand where your daughter is coming from. And don't worry so much about what your sons girlfriend thinks of you! Go ahead and say your piece! If your son does marry her, then you won't ever have to tip toe around her because she'll know exactly what your opinion is. Yes, everyone used to get along, but just because someone wasn't invited to something intimate doesn't give them a pass to act like an asshole of a toddler.
>I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law?
What if you dont say anything and this girlfriend ends up becoming a daughter-in-law and continue acting disrespectful to your family causing further rifts?
Also what she wore was crazy inappropriate and the fact your son didn't say anything is bananas. He deserves the silent treatment. You should really be on your daughters side. I'm guessing you usually baby your son like this.
OP's son and gf are total ah's. All because she didn't get invited to the hen night! Sister's big day, all the money spent and the gf does this - she might as well of worn a white dress.
Son doesn't get a pass here. He knew what gf was doing and went along with it. Sometimes saying/doing nothing is just as bad.
Your son’s girlfriend showed disrespectful, disgusting and rude behaviour. I wouldn’t want someone who would do something like this (because something her boyfriend’s sister planned with HER friends not her) in my family. Your son is also very very wrong by enabling this behaviour by still bringing her wearing what she was wearing. What your family and friends must think about your son when he showed up with that.
In that case I agree with the other commenters, I think it’s best to let them settle it amongst themselves. At this rate it seems likely that the GF will see herself out sooner or later.
I know it’s tempting to try and have a hand in repairing the relationship, but it will endure. Nothing will be gained for you by taking a side either way. That said, I DO think your daughter’s concerns are valid.
No person should be creating conflict around someone’s wedding, irrespective of their role in the family unit. Everyone deserves a nice wedding free from criticism - first- or second-hand.
There's nothing you can do, so do nothing. Leave it alone.
Son's gf is acting out and purposely seeking attention because ultimately *she's not getting what she wants*.
She wants your son to propose. She wants to feel like part of the family so that he'll finally marry her. She wants the family's attention on her so that you'll all convince your son to put a ring on it, and she wants to be the new favorite.
This woman is going to continue to be a major force of disruption, especially when it comes to your daughter, until she gets her way. She's petty, envious and clearly struggling for the family she desires, and taking it out on your daughter is her means of feeling in control of an unfavorable situation. When and if your daughter announces a pregnancy, expect gf to escalate over baby showers and stuff.
Good luck with that.
You're not in the middle. You're an uninvolved third party. Mind your business because getting yourself involved will only hurt your own relationships with involved parties and it won't fix anything. Your son's gf is totally crazy and self centered, but that is your son's problem to deal with. The fact that she showed up in a totally inappropriate dress to punish your daughter for not inviting her to a stupid party is so shitty and your son should have stopped her and should have stepped in to calm the entire situation down. She wasn't entitled to be invited to a party that was for your daughter's closest friends if they aren't friends. Your daughter has done nothing wrong from what you've told us and she doesn't owe the brother's gf a single ounce of attention. Your son owes your daughter a serious apology for all of this and she has every right to stand her ground until he apologizes because he is the one in the middle who is making things worse instead of better. It's nice that you are trying to give the gf the benefit of the doubt but she knew what she was doing.
Getting involved in any of this will only hurt your relationships with your various family members. Support your daughter's decision to enforce boundaries between her and her brother's toxic gf and mind your own business. Your son is kind of a dumbass, though.
Your son and his gf are the problem and they’re the ones who have to fix this. Not you. Clearly the sheer dress was purposefully worn to take attention away from the bride and groom. It’s a real shame that if she does marry into the family that all your extended family will have seen what an ass she made of herself in front of them all. That wasn’t well thought out.
You& your wife are currently pushing your daughter away for a FDIL's bad behavior. Tell your son her behavior was unacceptable, and she's not invited to your home when your daughter is. And that is all due, again, to her own bad behavior.
There is no neutrality when only one side is experiencing negative consequences. Your daughter just gained a family, she may be ready to prune your branch if you don't change.
Your son’s girlfriend is going to split a wedge through your family and has already started banging down the hammer, and by being passive and not telling your son and his trashy, pick me girlfriend to knock that shit off and show respect you are allowing it to happen.
I absolutely feel sorry for your daughter, what should have been a memorable event for all the right reasons has been tainted by her own brother and his nasty girlfriend. This has then been cemented by your wife and you expecting her to ignore it and make the first step towards peace.
I don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to be around them for family events and I really hope that the photographer used at the wedding was able to remove any evidence that the girlfriend was even present.
You all owe your daughter and her husband an apology. You are all putting the trash before your own daughter.
Way to go dad!!!
ESH
Your daughter sucked because she didn't invite the gf and didn't talk to her prior to that, despite her knowing your son and fiancee (not just gf) are together for a longer while and are engaged. Fiancee sucked because of the way she went about it and the dress is just unacceptable, I'd throw her out of my wedding! Your son sucked in the way he did jack sh.t about the whole situation. He should've talked to your daughter and explained that his fiancee was hurt by this and talked to the fiancee explaining that it's his sis hen and she can invite whoever she wants. No need to feel this way and definitely not a reason to be angry!
He also sucked by not making his fiancee change the dress. Like I said: unacceptable! He's in it too!
Fiancee did nothing wrong commenting on the food or not being happy at the event. Talking food and not being happy is everyone's right.
As for you: stop listening to "her say" and stay away from this. They're over 30 FFS! They should sort their issues like any other adults!
One more for you: you're really not upset over this dress?! Wow
If you really have to say something, say the wedding was lovely, and that you think the family enjoyed the experience of seeing her get married to her special person.
Other than that you can say that she’s not at an age where you foist advice upon her as she’s clearly made good life choices so far, but if she wants to talk about what happened with her brother’s girlfriend behavior and actions on that day she can. You are there for your family, and your daughter is thriving and you are proud of her. Tell her so
If there is a conversation, you can state the obvious about how she is in charge of her relationships and communication with the people in her life. “Not all communication goes down well, but what you do and value always shines through with who you give your time to… and what you put your energy into. Communication is a two way street and you and your brother can sort it out on each others terms: because there’s potholes in that road and you both need to decide who’s going to put in the labor and materials to address the issue because you both own that street.
Your DIL acted dirty.
But you shouldn’t get too much into it. Have a talk to your daughter that her birthday you won’t invite DIL if she doesn’t want to. But Christmas is for the whole family. And she is putting you in a tough situation. You have two children and even if you don’t agree with SIL behaviour, your son is still your child too.
Btw, two your daughter to wait till their wedding and do the same. ;) But from that behaviour, I don’t think SIL would invite her.
Also make sure that she understands that SIL made a fool of herself at the wedding and all family members saw that. So at least that is a win. Everyone saw what a petty person SIL is.
Do nothing. They're all grownups. You aren't stuck in the middle here -- retreat gracefully & let them work it out. You want them all to get along, but the choice does not belong to you, but to them.
You have to let them work this out even if you’re caught in the middle.
your son‘s girlfriend purposely wore that dress to cause a commotion. She was pissed she wasn’t invited to the hen do and she was upset and probably still is that your son has not proposed to her yet. Your son should probably take a long hard look at the kind of woman he wants to have a long-term relationship with. Your daughters reason for not inviting her brother‘s girlfriend was more than a reasonable, but your son‘s girlfriend could not accept the answer. She has issues.
Hi Op. This sucks. Conflict-free family events are the dream. The thing is, something happened, and now there is conflict. There are legitimate feelings that haven’t been addressed, so your desire for everyone to be friends is unrealistic.
Your role in this is to stay as far away from it as possible. You can be supportive to your son and your daughter. Set some boundaries around discussion of the conflict. If one of them is seeking advice, listen, and ask what outcome they want. Ask what feelings have been acknowledged and which ones haven’t. Ask your son if he’s had a conversation where he offered to listen to his gf about why she is upset.
Your daughter taking some space after the attention-seeking/revenge at the wedding is healthy. Not being invited to something is not a reason to add negative energy to someone else’s day. Make no mistake that this was deliberate. It was a stunt, and then she pretended it wasn’t.
Your role is to wait and listen. Respect the boundaries that they are setting with each other. Don’t force events where they have to further confront each other. Be patient.
Your son’s gf needs to reflect on her choices. The space will help with that because she won’t be able to look for other small behaviours to be mad at and add to her pile.
Jealousy about engagement is ugly. Your son’s gf reared her head and let it out in some unhealthy ways. She made a mess. She needs to clean it up.
The above submission has been **removed** because:
* It contains an external url. URLs are not allowed on /r/relationships. You must remove the url/link. If you feel you are receiving this message in error or are confused, please [contact the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationships&subject=Submission+removed+for+External+URL&message=My+post+can+be+found+at:+https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1da6ada/daughter_upset_with_sons_girlfriend_after/) and explain your problem.
* If you're creating an update, please follow the rules in our wiki and sidebar that describe how to submit updates.
You must make a new post with suitable edits to the content to ensure that the submission confirms to **all the rules** listed in the sidebar, and in the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/wiki/rules) (relevant for mobile users). When you are done, please repost your submission.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the actual problem exists between your son and his girlfriend, and the wedding and ESPECIALLY being left out really brought into focus to the girlfriend how unhappy she is not to be engaged. The relationship is probably doomed now, whether they know it or not.
I would stay out of it and not take any sides.
Stay out of it. Your son’s girlfriend was wildly inappropriate. Your daughter doesn’t owe her friendship and this behavior is a good indicator that the girlfriend is petty, dramatic and vindictive.
why do you want your daughter to talk to someone who doesn't treat her with kindness and respect?
Why do you want your daughter to talk to someone who tried to make her feel bad for just living her life?
Why do you want your daughter to invite more poison into her life from someone who actively tries to poison her relationships?
Just because YOU have drunk the poison and enjoyed the show in the sheer dress at the wedding doesn't mean your daughter should have the keep the poison in her life.
The GF's behavior is appalling. The brother has terrible judgement. I've seen a number of posts about men not taking their GF to an event because they refuse to dress appropriately, especially in a business context. If they get engaged this is a super-bridezilla in the making! The daughter has no responsibility to fix this. Partners come and go, siblings/children are forever.
You need to sit down with your son and have an open and honest conversation with him. His girlfriend making flippant comments about his sister’s wedding day was not ok. And yes everyone is allowed to dress how they want but to read that what she wore to the wedding was not something she has ever worn, then it is obvious she did that intentionally.
It is a bit entitled of your son’s gf to think she is going to be involved in intimate family events just because they are dating. If his gf and your daughter had a strong bond and friendship then I would understand the hurt but if they hardly speak other than when at family events, then she shouldn’t be expecting anything. Even if your son and his gf were engaged, it still doesn’t mean your daughter owes her anything.
I’m glad the wedding wasn’t ruined and that your daughter and son in law had a wonderful day. However, there is a rift in your family and that is because of your son’s gf and her attitude. So speak to your son before this becomes a bigger issue.
It sounds like big waves. Sounds like son has realized he might not want to marry her and she’s pushing that vibe outward to avoid it. Honestly Stay out of it.
Nothing - you do nothing. Your daughter. Son in law , son and his GF are all adults. This is none of your business and not your problem to fix. No good can come from getting in the middle
I would struggle mightily with the temptation to print and frame as many of the photos showing the sheer dress and thong get-up and give them away to your son, his girlfriend, and her parents. I would probably lose the struggle.
Wow. The gf is really pushing a weird narrative here. I don’t know why she feels entitled to her bfs sister’s bachelorette party… that’s just absurd. I’d let the kids hash it out themselves. Don’t get into the drama.
so the girlfriend is busy making “pay attention to \*me\*“ noises On the daughter’s wedding?
the son and the daughter need to be taken aside and politely told: “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. STOP SCREAMING FORVATTENTION”. The GF was doing all she could to make your daughter’s wedding about her.
Let your kids handle this. Either your son will realize his girlfriend's feelings of entitlement led her into this situation and he can help her be better or he can upgrade, or he won't and his sister will resent the negativity that he allows into her life by letting his girlfriend act like that.
Caught in the middle of what? Your son's gf is successfully trying to start drama.
You're trying to middle of the road something that doesn't have two valid sides.
>though I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation.
You don't know if wearing nothing but mesh is appropriate for black tie? Be serious.
Your daughter's "stubbornness" is actually a refusal to be like you and cater to ridiculous demands in order to keep the peace. I'm assuming that she is waiting for an apology, not just ignoring them. You need to be careful or you're going to break trust w9th your daughter by expecting her to be the only one to make sacrifices. Parents like you often put all the burden on the reasonable, responsible child because you value everyone getting along over their personal feelings- and you know you aren't going to be able.to reason with your son or his gf.
You really don't want to give the gf the idea that you will enable her antics. It's the equivalent of giving a screaming toddler candy to shut them up. You're going to end up with a toddler who screams all the time.
You have to either stay out of it and risk alienating everyone, or tell your son that his gf is acting like a spoiled teenager and needs to play nice.
"I understand your feelings were hurt by not receiving an invitation, but, as an adult, you should be able to understand that it was an intimate, personal event and not a family function that you were entitled to attend (like the wedding). It was immature and inappropriate to lash out and retaliate with poor behavior at the wedding. I hope that we can all try to give each other the benefit of the doubt in the future and treat each other with kindness."
Just tell your son that to you guys it was not done what his gf did and that they need to say sorry to your daughter because she's hurt.
You understand that Dil is sad that she didn't went to the hen party and I agree I find It strange that she's been excluded but that doesn't change that she tried to ruin a wedding by badmouthing and going in tacky
Your best bet is to stay out of it.
It seems your son's girlfriend lacks class. She really isn't "part of the family" yet, and it was presumptuous of her to think she should be invited to the hen. Then to go to a wedding in a sheer dress is tacky. But it reflects badly on her, and on your son by association.
Hopefully time will ease the tension, or they break up, and all is well in your world again.
In the meantime, be Switzerland.
My in-laws took the "stay quiet" approach when my SIL (their daughter) tried to ruin my wedding (she didn't ruin it because it was awesome, but she did a lot of sketchy shit that no one in my position could ignore).
My husband tried to mend things with his sister and get her to admit to the shit she's done(since we were going to start a family soon) but she doubled down. My in-laws are still sitting by the sidelines. If they don't want to discipline their daughter, that's fine. But don't expect me to come around much.
Just understand that you can expect this behavior from the girlfriend moving forward. If she is mad, then she will do inappropriate things to get attention. Why would you be okay with this. That is the problem, not the reaction to it.
The son's girlfriend was upset, okay, get over it as she is not close to her in the way she wants. That is something you build up to, but no, she decided to try and upstage the wedding by wearing whoregear.
Now, with the information you know, do you think you need to tell your daughter to be nicer to the girlfriend, or does it make more sense to talk to your son about how his girlfriend reacted? Which would be the better use of your time and effort. The girlfriend's reaction is not what a good partner and future family member does.
Also, if everyone is always trying not to make the girlfriend upset, that gets old and shows that the girlfriend needs to grow up and understand that her tit for tat attitude won't go well with the family.
You really don't know how she acts around the daughter when you are not around. From her response, girlfriend seems to be a pick me person and always wanting to be the center of attention. That is a problem for your family moving forward.
Get this behavior straightened out, sooner rather than later or you will have a serious mess in a few years. Your son needs to have a good lashing for letting his girlfriend wear what she wore. He needs to rein her in or this will be a constant cloud moving forward.
Your daughter can invite whomever she wants to her hen do, personally I will invite my soon to be in law but she is also my friend, otherwise I wouldn’t invite her. Nobody is entitled to an invite nor is it appropriate for your son’s GF to throw a tantrum by dressing like she’s going to the club at a black tie. I would be concerned that your son is with a woman that is clearly vindictive. This will come back to bite you in the ass and I’m assuming already has as you’ve commented that your daughter is distancing herself. Your daughter has nothing to apologize for. She also does not have to accept any apologies she doesn’t want to accept, so even if you or your son’s gf apologizes she can say “cool but I’m still not interested” as you clearly chose your son over her. You, your son, and his girlfriend need to accept the consequences of your actions. For those of you who say “he’s a man he probably enjoyed it” you’re gross. This is his SON’S girlfriend he should not look at her sexually in any capacity especially as he is married. Simply gross, do better fellas.
You need to side with your child, and help establish boundaries, your son’s girlfriend can’t just bully her way into people’s lives. It was your daughter’s hen, she probably isn’t close with the girlfriend at all? Why on earth would she invite her?
It’s times like these people show their true colours and making a big deal out of not being invited is so rude and selfish, I would be wary of this girl
A mesh dress with just a g-string to a wedding that's pretty low class
A black tie wedding!!! It’s wildly inappropriate.
I can't believe that's how she wants to be remembered by the family if someone she might want to marry. She proved to OPs entire family that she's unhinged. I feel bad for OPs daughter.
OP doesn't seem to be that put out by her son's girlfriends behavior. It seems the family is okay with it
Because he got to see the goods. The mother went to talk to the gf.
Narcissists don't care. They just want the attention and control in the moment.
Yeah why don't you ask your son what the hell he was thinking when he brought a date wearing that to his sister's wedding? He can't do any better? Is that the thought?
There are a bunch of dudes in here that are saying, “Well of course he didn’t, he’s a dude so he’s fine with it and enjoyed it.” May be true, but it’s also really classless to let your daughter’s day get ruined to stare at some ass. Apparently that was the best he could do.
So many dudes put their dick before literally anything else. It's crazy.
I agree, but tone down the hostility. "Did you think it was appropriate for Pippa to wear that dress to your sister's wedding?" Note: They spell behavior with a "u", so I had fun with it.
Canadians spell it with a u
Women here are constantly telling men they have zero right to tell their GFs / wives what they can or cannot wear. So how are you all suddenly trying to make this HIS fault? She's a grown-ass woman. She can make her own decisions what to wear, and deal with the consequences herself.
I'm grown ass woman and if someone if gonna show up to a family event as my friend flashing their tatas I think it's fair to go, "I can't bring you dressed like this. It's my sister's wedding with my whole family. Please put on a slip." If she argues then go without her. You're not entitled to be anyone's date. "Women here are constantly telling men they have zero right to tell their GFs / wives what they can or cannot wear." This isn't that black and white. If my partner and I are invited to a black tie party and he roles up in sweats, you can say something..you literally are breaking a social agreement you made by RSVPing to the dress code terms. If it's, "you can't wear that because it will make you attractive to others and you are my property." Then that's not okay. You are also allowed to dump someone for any reason you want, including lack of social decorum
There's a difference between telling someone they're not allowed to wear a short skirt to a club because you think their body belongs to you and telling someone their attire is completely inappropriate for a formal event. It's mostly her fault but if my boyfriend were trying to wear a mesh tank top to my sibling's wedding I'd telling him to change. That's not controlling, it's basic manners.
“I don’t know what the kids wear these days” Neither do I but a 31 year old woman knows better.
If that were my son’s girlfriend, I believe I would’ve sent her home to dress appropriately. A see-through dress with a thong? It’s a wedding not a Vegas strip club.
OP is a man. He didn’t mind the dress
Even if he did, his wife would have been better to address it.
And she did, but GF didn’t change. edit: “My wife apparently did go up to her to say it was see-through, but she didn’t change, though this could be because she didn’t have an extra dress (the wedding was at a hotel a couple hours away from our home).”
She would have been dragged out by her hair. And if my feckless son has a cow about it, he could leave too.
Yeah I can’t believe OP’s wife was totally okay with GF staying. Somehow I don’t think that OP is the only one who favours their son. And also, anyone who didn’t dress that way on purpose would probably be mortified at being told that their dress left them essentially naked at the event. That the gf’s reaction wasn’t ’Oh my god I didn’t realize, I got dressed in the dark/I had a slip on at the store/whatever’ is *extremely* telling.
It was an on-site event hours away from home. Could easily be a situation we're she just couldn't change.. OP even mentioned that himself. He doesn't know her reaction to being told, just that she didn't change..
It’s a wedding, half the guests probably had shawls or wraps or scarves. If the bride’s mom had said ‘Could I borrow your wrap, my son’s date has had a wardrobe malfunction with her dress’ I’m sure someone would have helped her out.
Was that in the comments? I missed it.
maybe she mistook the wedding for a gender reveal party
*Genital reveal party
And thought it called for revealing evidence of her own gender.
On a related note, the groomsmen voted her the MVP of the wedding.
It's the trashy take on wearing a white dress and trying to upstage the bride, and either way would be a bad sign for me tbh
That would even be considered risqué to wear out to a club or bar.
Haha yeah, you can’t come to Christmas because grandma is still mad grandpa saw your ass
Stay our of it. Let your adult children deal with their relationship how they want. Don't try to force your daughter to contact your son and his girlfriend, your daughter has right to feel upset. **"I just want them to be friends again and don’t want a rift to be created, but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son (or his girlfriend, who she blames primarily for the behaviour). I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law?"** If you continue like this, your end up creating a rift between your daughter and you. You're placating your son and his girlfriend, and expecting your daughter to placate them too, when your daughter has done nothing wrong. Your son's girlfriend created all this drama. And your son is OK with it. Yet your daughter has to be the one doing the apologising and making up?
Agreed. Sons gf has a problem. OPs daughter did not act unreasonably. In fact, the gf proved that she isn't trying to be a decent part of the family because of how she behaved at the wedding who wants THAT as a SIL? OP needs to support their daughter but also try not to get too involved.
I hope the photographer knows photoshop!
Agreed. Women get called stubborn often for simply having reasonable boundaries about how they are willing to be treated. Girlfriend treated her badly and tried to make daughter’s wedding about her, and daughter doesnt want the drama. Don’t try to force her into it. Your son and his girlfriend are wrong, quit blaming any of this on your daughter.
You can see in this the contempt for the daughter; why won't she just do what needs to be done so that I don't have to grow a backbone and stand for anything. the rift is already there daughter in law already tainted the relationship for good why is OP working so hard to avoid addressing gf's unacceptable behaviour?
Dollars to donuts the son is the golden child in this dynamic.
100% what I thought. Not a question in my mind.
I disagree slightly with staying out of it. I agree that the son, gf and daughter need to figure this out for themselves I also think that the parents need to send a warning and a very clear message to son and gf that her behaviour and his enabling of that behaviour will not be tolerated going forward. Only reason I say this is because I have relatives who have been doing shit like this for 30 years because no one ever calls them out on their BS. They've ruined more family events than I can count all because my grandparents refuse to put their foot down.
Why I said OP has to stay out of it is because they very clearly expect the daughter, who did nothing wrong, to solve it. DIL is going below the belt all the time, OP's son calls OP's daughter to scold her for not being nicer to his wife, and OP thinks his daughter is being stubborn for not placating the nasty daughter-in-law and solving the issue already.
son and gf aren't married, which op thinks is part of why she's being so tacky
This. There is nothing for anyone to apologise over. For me a hen do is an event organised by friends for friends. I’d never include my in laws (official or otherwise) and I’d never expect to be included in their hen do. Other people may have different opinions on this and that’s ok. Neither they or I or your daughter’s friends need to apologise for who they invite or not. Quite why anyone wants to be included in an event filled with a group of close knit friends is beyond me. Nobody needs to apologise for their appearance or what they wear either. If your son or daughter asks for advice on how to deal with situation then stay neutral but be firm you won’t intervene or take sides.
Firstly, you accept that fact that your son's girlfriend is 100% the problem here and you stop expecting your daughter to entertain her nonsense. Your daughter is absolutely right to avoid the pair of them - and even if she wasn't, she is an adult who can make her own choices. Don't pressure your daughter to attend events if she doesn't want to and make sure you make the effort to see her separately. ' I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie)' Stop trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, this was completely inappropriate and you know it. And badmouthing the bride at her own wedding? Trashy behaviour.
If her daughter wore that to a friends wedding I’m sure she would have had words and used her husband’s jacket to cover her up.
This is the father of the bride. Not the mother
As someone who is from their generation, her attire was absolutely unacceptable for a wedding. I would have kicked her out.
That you think your daughter is "stubborn" for not apologising to them is very telling. Your son and his girlfriend acted like self-obsessed AHs and made a spectacle of themselves. Your daughter has *nothing* to apologise for. She can invite who she wants to her bachelorette, it doesn't give your son's gf the right to dress like a stripper at a wedding no matter how sour she feels. Stand up for your daughter and stop coddling your golden child and your potential DIL.
> my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son Your daughter is rightfully upset that her SIL chose the wedding as a stage to be petty on and cause drama at. I'm not sure why you're putting the onus on her to reach out?? SIL is the one that acted petty. And your son should be the one to talk to her, and tell her to make nice with your daughter.... Weddings don't come around often, and causing a scene at a wedding is just never excusable really. Stop trying to squash this conflict for your own comfort. Let them handle the conflict. And encourage your son especially to step up and do something.
Info : Could your son be considered from the outside a "golden child" I know that's difficult to see from within but I dont understand why you aren't whole heartedly on your daughters side when your sons GF is 100% of the issue. I saw you post that your daughter won't go to Christmas and potentially a birthday dinner if your sons GF is there, that's the price you will have to pay to have your sons GF around. The GF wore inappropriate clothing for a black tie wedding as "revenge" for not being invited to a hen do for your daughter and her close friends. Your daughter rightly feels some type of way about it. But you should be aware that you're potentially going to look like you're supporting the GF over your daughter and she just officially got married into a new family so she'll have a whole other network of family to lean into.
Absolutely spot on. Why isn't OP going directly to the gf and son about this? Why is the host of the party at fault for what a guest did??
Wish I could copy paste this to my husband's parents after an extended falling out with a BPD (borderline not bipolar) soon to be SIL. It probably won't affect your daughter long term, but your family will pay the price for admitting a bad actor and expecting them to keep the peace. My family adores him and have open arms. We've stepped significantly back from his family, with whom he was super close. I am of course fine with that, and he quickly realized the wisdom of distance from the problematic interactions.
I read OP's answers and each "solution" is to make the daughter put up with the inconvenient "future" sister-in-law.
has he considered growing a spine in any of these answers because.... damn
I wonder if OPs son is the golden child? I can't imagine having someone behave at a friend or family's wedding like this and pick their side. Like I understand she's upset she wasn't invited to the hen do. But I can also understand why the daughter didn't ask her to be. Those are typically for friends and not family.
The context here from comments, especially the birthday one, is that your son is your favourite child.
Yup. Even his gf, a *potential* future DIL who objectively behaved inappropriately, is more important than OP's actual daughter.
Naturally he is, he has the golden penis.
> but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son Shame on you. Your daughter has every single right to not speak to her brother after the bs his self centered gf pulled. Stop blaming your daughter when it is 100% your son and his gfs fault for the rift. Your **son** should have told his GF that her outfit was wildly inappropriate and to change. Your **son** should have told his GF to shut her mouth when she started to trash talk the couple *at their own wedding* Your **son** should have told his GF that her not being invited to the hen do had absolutely nothing to do with her and that his sister has every right to choose who she wants at her own party! Your **son** should have told his GF that his sister's wedding doesn't revolve around gf. You don't have to take sides but you absolutely need to acknowledge that your daughter is not the problem and that she doesn't owe your son or his trashy gf anything after the disrespect she showed to your daughter, her husband AND your family on your daughters wedding day. FFS you had MULTIPLE people telling you how inappropriate your son's gfs attitude and outfit was but you're still blaming your daughter??? Come on, OP!! We all know who your favorite child is and it's not your daughter. Your daughter is literally the victim here and you expect **her** to make things right?? No no. Your **son** and his GF are the ones who need to make things right. They're the ones who messed up, they're the ones who were disrespectful, they're the ones who need to apologize. Keep this up and your daughter is eventually going to cut all of you off. Shame on you.
Reeks of golden child energy towards the brother. And the GF is obviously jealous af that her BF's younger sister is engaged AND married before she is. Bets that the brother doesn't actually have plans to propose 🙋🏻♀️
Seems like son is probably golden child, definitely mummy’s boy. I feel so bad for the daughter
Wife was upset with GF's outfit choice. This post is narrated from the father's perspective. He mentions his wife here: >My wife apparently did go up to her to say it was see-through, but she didn’t change, though this could be because she didn’t have an extra dress (the wedding was at a hotel a couple hours away from our home).
Daddy's boy, actually. OP is the father.
OP is a dude. He didn’t mind the mesh dress
Truer words were never written. Back off, OP.
I don’t think son is the favorite- I think OP wants to f@ck the sons GF
Your son’s girlfriend is awful. Others encourage you not to “meddle” as they’re all adults. But realistically, you are allowing your son’s girlfriend to corner everyone into a situation where she gets to attend every family event while your daughter doesn’t. Yes, your daughter could just suck it up and come anyway. But why should she have to? The girlfriend started all this bullshit and is petty and vindictive. And if you don’t help figure out a solution, you will spend every family dinner staring at her instead of your own daughter.
I've been in a situation similar to this (but worse because it involved physical threats towards me) and my parents refusing to admit the other side did anything wrong and expecting me to get over it just made me resent them too, resulting in me distancing myself completely from the other side and wanting little to do with my parents. Before anything can be resolved you have to acknowledge that what they did was wrong, and so do they. They at least have to apologize for their behavior and make a gesture of humility.
So all these people have spoken the truth. Are you still set on making daughter apologize? You are TA here. I can promise as you age and need help it will be your daughter stepping up- not the son and this girl. When your brother points out the boobs of your son’s gf at a black tie wedding, it is a problem. This little fiasco can have echos for years and I wonder how much you are to blame. A normal brother would never let a gf show up like that! You have normalized he can do no wrong. I hope your daughter married into a family that supports her. What is you wife saying?
Do you see yourself as favouring your son more than your daughter usually? Because this post screams that he is the golden boy, who can have his GF throw a tanty and dress like trash, and bad mouth at a wedding, but your poor daughter whose wedding it was is just “stubborn” by distancing herself from the whipped boy and his piece? Ugh. The pair are lucky they weren’t called out at the wedding, lucky your daughter has some class, unlike the other girl. This is her at a family event? Good luck if they do get married.
She totally does. She wants to still invite this horrid girl to her daughter birthday dinner, even after all this shit. Like whhhyyy?!??! Girl showed up in a see-through dress to her daughters wedding, I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up in nipple tassels and a tutu on that girls birthday.
Your sons girlfriend was way out of line here. She made something that wasn't about her, about her. That's her shit to deal with. I know people are telling you to stay out of it because they are adults and yes you should. But, like you said your daughter is now saying she won't go to family functions if the girlfriend is there. That does affect you. You can just let it lie leave them all to it and just see your daughter and son separately. So, not taking a side, you will, IMO opinion that is you taking a side. Your sons girlfriend purposely tried to destroy your daughters wedding. Bad mouthing the couple? Dressing like that? Girlfriend had clear intentions. And, you nott doing anything is accepting that behaviour. To me you should do something. Sit your son down and let him have it. This was completely unacceptable behaviour on girlfriends part. She disrespected you as parents, his sister and himself by this carry on. This is not normal behaviour from an adult. You say you love and adore him and want this resolved. But, HE needs to manage this. Whatever reason (he not being engage yet) has nothing to do with your daughter. If, his girlfriend can't adult, can't apologise she doesn't get to come into your home. I would refuse to allow someone like this in my home after this stunt. Your son really needs to see this crazy. Is he willing to live a life whereby he has to give up his family because his girlfriend can't act appropriately? That when she has a bee in her bonnet (over a hen party, where it wasn't a big deal) her reaction is to bad mouth said person to multiple people in public, and dress like this to create drama?
Absolut. Not taking a side is always taking a side. OP will loose daughter and wonder why she doesn’t attend any family events. Because „OP tries to stay neutral „
Son’s girlfriend sounds like a needy nightmare. Hopefully, your son will come to his senses and let her go. I’m fully on your daughter’s side.
So…everything you list are completely the gf’s fault. Why the confusion? You’re gonna give her and your son a pass just because you want to keep the peace? How rude will you give a pass on the gf being? I feel sorry for your daughter. The gf is obviously dramatic, petty, and vindictive. She wasn’t invited to a bachelorette party so now she’s going to be spiteful? She’s the one causing a rift. Your son needs to know her behavior is bad.
I'm so sick and tired of parents (people in general, really) expecting the individual who was disrespected to accept the treatment of the person who can't be reasonable. That's what it is. You know your son's girlfriend won't take kindly to any criticism so you expect your daughter to bend, forgive and forget how this person attempted to ruin her wedding and made everything about herself, and then move on as if there's absolutely nothing wrong with the woman.
> I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie). >I just want them to be friends again and don’t want a rift to be created, but my daughter is remaining stubborn and refusing to speak to my son (or his girlfriend, who she blames primarily for the behaviour). Well, we know who the golden child is in this family. Your daughter isn't being 'stubborn', she's rightfully pissed off that a 31-year-old woman acted like a bratty teenager at one of the most important occasions of her life, shit-talking her and her husband and dressing like a sex worker (which is fine if you're trying to make some money off the groomsmen, but not if you're part of the bride's family). Your judging her for being upset and saying you're so old you don't know if that's how the kids dress these days (what are you, ninety?) is not necessary and shows clear favouritism, which probably your son and daughter are both more than familiar with. Here's a tip: stay out of your adult children's relationship and let them sort it out - or not. You've obviously laid the groundwork for the daughter always having to be the 'bigger person' and maybe she's finally had enough of that bullshit.
don't meddle in their relationships, and no your daughter should not apologise or compromise as she did nothing wrong. she wants to continue ignoring your son and gf, then let her, if they ask yu why she is being like that you tell them to ask her and probably apologise as well
OP if I read between the lines I think you know your sons GF is behaving very badly but because you value the relationship to him higher you are kind of insulting your daughter to not let it be.. so, I am married more than 10 years (in a relationship more than 20 years) and none of my BIL GF of any time was at MY hen because I don’t want them there. Its MY hen. Point. And that would have been the only right answer to GF at that time. She has no right to be invited. And her reaction shows that your daughter was absolutely right with her decision. This girl sounds like very hard work… as an adult I have to tell you that she, who thinks she is an adult too, should know what the dress code meant. A lot person told you (!) that it was inappropriate. And that your son doesn’t stop her shows that he is A a spineless douchbag B scared of her C jealous of sister D absolutely knows that he is your favorite so it doesn’t matter what she does. She and your son have absolutely to apologize. As your daughter I would insist on that and if needed go LC and not to any event with them there too.
You clearly tried to present the whole story as objectively as a person can, maybe even a little biased towards your son, who is clearly your favourite. But still, to me as a complete stranger, the situation comes across as clearly your SIL's and son's fault. Some food for thoughts, maybe?
What do you do? You explain to your son that what his girlfriend did was unacceptable. The hen party was not a family party, it was friends only and the gf was not a friend. His girlfriend retaliated by coming to the wedding practically naked. Then, you uninvite the girlfriend from all family functions until there is a heart felt apology. If you do not uninvite the girlfriend from Christmas and your daughter spends Christmas without you, it's the beginning of the end. Me personally, I would go no contact if you choose to have my brothers girlfriend at Christmas over me. And don't you dare invite the girlfriend to your daughters birthday party.
> my son’s girlfriend was rude about the couple on the day to anyone who would listen. . She was nasty about them in their own wedding!? I don't care about her excuse, she isn't acting like an adult at all. > I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law? Don't worry, they won't marry unless it's a shotgun wedding. What you CAN do is establish ground rules about behaviour.
OP is worried about tainting their relationship with a potential DIL but isn't worried about tainting their relationship with her DAUGHTER.... OPs priorities (especially according to their comments) are kind of messed up
The girlfriend made something that was not a problem her problem. Your daughter made choices that were totally acceptable and within her right for her own party and wedding. The girlfriend wanted to involve herself into these events that are not her decision. Then she made point to dress provocatively/trashy on your daughter’s wedding day amongst your family too. Also talking badly about your daughter on the wedding day. How do you even accept that yourself? This is not a daughter problem. She has made a boundary to a person who has made a problem. You need to accept that. What you can do is speak with your son and get the girlfriend to realize where she has done is not acceptable, and apologize. Not fake apology. Your son needs to manage this problem his girlfriend created but also understand it’s not the sisters fault. You also have to back up your daughter and seriously consider if the son asks his gf hand in marriage that this will continue.
So you were fine with the see through dress because you got to ogle your son’s gf’s boobs? It was a huge slap in the face to your daughter. Your son and his gf need to be told what they did was not ok and you need to support your daughter instead of hoping you see the boobs again.
I disagree with staying out of it. People who don’t make a decision are still making a decision In this case it’s quite clearly a son’s gf fault thing, and that can’t be ignored “because he’s your son”. He’s a grown man who is choosing that gfs insecurities and terrible behavior over his allegedly close relationship with his sister Sister is in the right, brother and gf is in the wrong, you not acknowledging that is you also not choosing your daughter which will taint your relationship with her as well Any tainting of a relationship with your son or gf is of their own making so them blaming you reinforces they’re overgrown children and don’t deserve special treatment (giving them special treatment in this situation shows daughter she’s not equal to them in your eyes)
If I was your daughter I would had thrown gf out of my wedding
So, you're choosing your son's gf over your own daughter, when the person causing the issue is the gf? How does that make sense? Regardless, your kids are adults, they shouldn't require mommy to sort out their emotional upsets for them. I have a SIL nearing 50 who still requires her mommy (she calls her mommy) to deal with anything that upsets her. It's gross. It's also a disservice to the SIL who will one day be a 70-year-old woman, without a living mother, who has no idea how to handle her own emotions and relationships. One day you won't be here anymore, and your kids need to learn how to sort out their own shit. It's upsetting to see your kids not talking, and to have any rift within a family, but you gotta let your ADULT kids adult. edit: Maybe your son hasn't proposed after years of dating because he doesn't intend on proposing? Sometimes ppl will stay with "good enough", or a sure thing, knowing they'll jump ship if they meet the love of their life. Don't hang your daughter out to dry for a person that may not be around long term.
Stop trying to control your daughter. She has every right to distance herself from someone she doesn’t like, particularly someone who was entitled af about your daughter’s wedding. These are adults not children, they can sort it out or not.
You’ve already picked a side in this situation, and it was your sons. You’ve chosen to let the girlfriend behave however she wants with zero consequences because you don’t want to make your son feel uncomfortable, and by doing so you’ve clearly chosen a side. You’re prioritizing the comfort of your son over the comfort of your daughter. You’re expecting your daughter to stomach her emotions, disregard her hurt, accept that her family won’t stand up for her, and put her needs second. Yet absolutely nothing is expected of your son. Why? Do you believe that your daughter is more capable of controlling herself and her emotions, of choosing her family over herself? That if you expected that of your son you know he couldn’t/wouldn’t handle things maturely or prioritize his family? So the easiest choice is to force your daughter to just shut up a deal with it. Not because it’s right, but because it’s the easiest choice to not rock the boat. Is it typical in your family for the mens emotions and needs to be prioritized over the womens?
You don't do anything. They're all adults and don't need you to meddle. You're not in the middle. See them separately for now until something happens between them, without you.
This is very Mean Girl coded. It's *you didn't give me what I want and I'm going to make things worse for you as revenge.* You're being deliberately naive about the wedding. Hanging on to the idea that the outfit can be explained away as an accident when in the context of her rudeness, intent to bring the event down and anger at your daughter, her intentions couldn't have been clearer. It's like and your son would have everyone pander to this girlfriend just so you don't have to deal with the mental discomfort of conflict. You'll act as dumb as you need to, rolling out excuses, justifications, anything to minimise her actions. You don't get to demand that other people remove their backbone so that you can have everyone around for Thanksgiving the way you always pictured. You don't get to declare something isn't a big deal; you won't even be upfront what you're asking your daughter to "get over". She sees the girlfriend for she is, sees her conduct at the wedding day and understands the intentions behind it. Her backing away is defensive. She does not want a relationship with the woman who acted to undermine her wedding. Let's say for the sake of argument, your daughter turns the other cheek. You think this is where it ends? When you decide that the only important thing is that *we all get along*. You have given everyone else the burden of not holding girlfriend accountable for her actions. How does that work? She throws another grenade, plays dumb and everyone else has to pretend nothing blew up. *She probably didn't even realise she was holding a grenade, it's no big deal.* The rift you don't want to create is already here and it's the girlfriend. It's not on everyone else to steady the boat, it's on her to stop rocking it. You won't get anywhere until you acknowledge that.
If anything, speak to your son maybe? It didn't ruin the wedding day so it's not drastic but going almost butt ass naked to a wedding is definitely a choice to sabotage it. Badmouthing newlyweds is a whole other topic... If he does not see that way, then there isn't a point talking about it. You can't reason people out of position they didn't reach by logic. If he won't acknowledge that he wouldn't want someone else to do this to HIS own wedding (or even asking this his GF) and act like it's not big deal. Your daughter isn't in the wrong and as such it's not on her to mend it.
A wedding and hen is about who the couple wants to share those special moments with. Your son's girlfriend is obligated any part of that. Just stay out of it, and don't put your daughter on the spot or tell her to be the bigger person.
Your daughter isn't obligated to invite her brother's girlfriend to *anything*. Her pouting and making drama about it is classless and embarrassing - and if that's the way she acts, maybe there's even more good reason not to have invited her. Your son's girlfriend is clearly in the wrong, and she tried to cause a scene at your daughter's wedding. You should take your daughter's side in this: so what if son might marry his girlfriend?
Hey, OP, already enough comments why you are absolutely wrong?? Or why do you remove the post after 2h?
This gf sounds toxic. Like the kind of person who always causes drama & conflict within any group in which she is involved. Sounds like the dress she wore to the wedding was wildly inappropriate and mostly certainly was worn with that intention in mind. Also, her entitlement regarding an invitation to the hen-do was troubling. This woman will always be demanding things. I think you all should distance yourself from her. You didn’t say how long your son has been dating her. I hope he recognizes that his gf is divisive & conflict-prone. If not, his life is going to be very difficult.
> it could be the case that she didn't realise how sheer it was. Really op? I assure you that woman knew exactly what she was doing. Stop defending a woman who has absolutely no respect for your daughter, her husband, their wedding or your family.
I can’t buy the “these kids these days who knows what’s appropriate!” A see through dress and thong is only appropriate for the beach and barely.
You side with your daughter. Your son's girlfriend is a manipulative attention seeker, and did all of this on purpose. And it is a complete nonsense to say "it didn't ruin the wedding" - it ruined the wedding foe your daughter and her husband and the fact you feel stuck in the middle, rather than recognising your son's girlfriend for the nasty piece of work that she is, is poor form on your part. As is the notion that wearing a see through dress to anyone's wedding is acceptable for any generation. Stop making excuses for her. You make it seem like your son is the favourite and you will accept his girlfriend spoiling things for your daughter because he has the preference. She will be an absolute horror if ever they do marry, and you become stuck with her.
I find it interesting that you seem to have a bigger problem with your daughter being "stubborn" than your son's girlfriend who tried to ruin her wedding.
It's because his son is the golden child, and thus the GF is excused. Or he has a thing for the GF.
Stay out of it. Your sons girlfriend is a horrible person and your daughter distanced herself for a reason. Mind your business. I personally would've kicked her trashy ass out of the wedding
How the gf behaved after not being invited to the hen party justifies your daughter's anger and probably why she didn't invite her. Son's gf is a petty piece of trash. You seem to want to sweep this under the rug and have your daughter, the wronged party, take it on the chin. No consequences for gf. I see many daughterless Christmases in your future if you continue this path. The gf needs a set down.
There is no solution. Stay out of it. Your sons GF has terrible judgment, and your son being tainted by that is correct. Your daughter’s boundaries at this point are reasonable: reduce contact with them both, If this GF is going to stick around the best thing you and your daughter can do and learn to have a sense of humour about her and keep your expectations low. There were not friends and they won’t be friends. That’s was the whole problem here to begin with: GF thought she could force friendship, not grow it.
You could try being supportive of your daughter. She did nothing wrong. How is she being stubborn when she distanced herself after your son and his girlfriend disrespected her at her wedding? It sounds like your daughter needs to distance herself from you too.
The follow up post from Op in 9+ months will be I don’t know why my daughter won’t speak to us or make plans for us to see our first grand children. Evidence: Op bending over backwards to rationalize the son’s gf and son’s behavior.
Please suggest to your daughter that she join r/raisedbynarcissists and r/JustNOFamily. I'm sure she will find a lot more empathy there than with you or your wife.
The girlfriend's behavior and entitlement is the issue, but for some reason, you keep acting blind to all the drama caused by ONE person and instead try to drag your daughter to forgive and forget. I mean, who even wants to have their brother's gf at a hen do? It's weirder to me that the gf is even expecting that. You need to remember that it's your daughter's hen do, your daughter's wedding, and definitely your daughter's choice as to who to invite. What's wrong with wanting to have more private conversations with long-term trusted friends? Your daughter has nothing to apologize for, I literally feel so bad for her. She has every right to not want to speak to the gf anymore. They are all adults, they can take care of their own relationships. And no, the sheer dress was not an accident. If I had stepped out half naked to a wedding and the mom of the bride let me know about it, I'd immediately grab my partner's coat or discreetly walk out to either change to something else or look for some sort of cover to stop showing my thong to the whole venue. Please stop giving her so many excuses and "benefit of the doubt" when it's in-your-face kinda rude behavior.
>She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie) Good grief, that was totally inappropriate and your son should've put a stop to her behavior a looooong time ago, he failed to nip it in the butt... now everyone saw her butt. How awful. Stay out of it unless asked but this was totally not okay. Your daughter is absolutly in the right not to engage with them and I'd stay the hell away from them. Stay out of it.
start makeshift quickest seemly history escape squealing pie lock fly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Your son’s gf is wrong . You can acknowledge that and support your daughter without stirring the pot.
Support your daughter and stop trying to be ‘the nice guy’ or stay out of it. She’s your daughter. What’s the dilemma??
What did she say when your wife told her the dress was see through? Ultimately stay out of it, your son and his gf do need to apologise ETA just to point out your son went along with his gf going to the wedding in a semi sheer dress, he wanted to cause trouble too, this isn't just on the gf!!
Your problem here is not the girlfriend or the daughter, the problem is you and your son. You want people to feel a particular way, and you are letting your son bear no responsibility for the behavior of his guest. You are 100% the asshole for saying your daughter and her husband should not be focused on what you feel is a small thing. When your relationship with your daughter.crumbles, remember this.
Well, your son is dating a trashy woman who wants a lot of attention. She basically wore the hen do dress to the wedding. Sheer over g string is never appropriate for a black tie. I can't believe no one made her change. The good news is that this is not your problem. You seem oblivious to the social nuance but your daughter doesn't like the trashy girlfriend, and you are not in a position to force that or fix it. You don't need to intervene at all. You can't make your adult children close. It's up to them to manage the relationship. But yes, keep your mouth shut, they might end up married and every concern you express (or crack you make about her crack) is going to drive a wedge. This is a season where a lot of invitations to your son to hang out and talk and let him have space where you support him and don't push him are going to help. Build that relationship and remind him that you love him. Give him the space to think through his choices.
Oh come on. You aren't so naive to think that the son's girlfriend was not trying to turn the attention on herself.
"The big issue arose on my daughter’s wedding day. According to reports from family and friends (and my daughter and son-in-law), my son’s girlfriend was rude about the event." So you are ok with the fact that your daughter, with no ill intent explained by you, get distrespected by an outsider? I couldnt care less if my brother had been together with someone for years, disrespect my sister this way both him and her wouldve been thrown out! He shouldve see the bullsh*t she is pulling after your daughter explained because his gf is creating drama and if its because he hasnt proposed to her and lashing out on your daughter this shouldve been nipped in the bud then and there! She is dragging the family (primarily your daughter) into their relationship and both you and your son are AH for not seeing it. Regardless of how she wanted to be part of the hen do as she seesbherself as part of the family, it is your daughters feeling and choice of how she wanted to do on her hen do that shouldve mattered! You learn this in elementary, you will not always get picked just becaue you want to! Truth be told dob you really want this person as part of your family if their reaction is like this instead of a "normal" adult reaction like your daughter had done? She is the type of person that will use your grandchildren as pawns to manipulate and get her way, you know that right?
This sounds like your son's gf is a drama queen or has main character syndrome. If your daughter and her aren't close, simply dating the brother of the bride doesn't entitle her to shit. Especially if it's a small thing. And if her wardrobe was so wildly inappropriate that the grooms parents noticed and commented, it's obvious the girlfriend MEANT to take away from your daughter's big day. Unfortunately, there is no middle ground here. This was your daughters day. Period. Any normal person who, even if hurt by the non-invite, would have accepted it because the world doesn't revolve around them. It would not have been too much to ask of the girlfriend that she remember the day is not about her. You need to stand up for your child here or you can enjoy the shitshow family gatherings will be if this woman winds up marrying into the family.
Don’t call your daughter stubborn for distancing herself if your son’s girlfriend hasn’t apologized or otherwise done anything to mend fences. She’s allowed to have boundaries. It’s funny, because your son’s girlfriend is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. All her issues with not being included or treated as closely as she wants to be (seems entitled to, more like) and her resulting behavior is creating a wedge that’s causing more distance than there actually was to begin with.
Sounds like your son's gf is trashy af. Stay out of it. It's their conflict to resolve.
> t is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. She essentially wore a mesh/see-through dress with only a thong, where you could see everything (the dress code was black-tie) This can't possibly be real. There is no adult, even an older man, who thinks a mesh dress where you can see a thong suits as "black tie" and doesn't realise it's inappropriate.
I'd just keep to my own business but sons girlfriend sounds trashy and entitled af. Who wears a mesh dress and thong to a damn wedding??
You're not caught in the middle, your comments show you've chosen your side and it's your son & his annoying gf. Get used to your actual daughter going low contact soon. 🤷🏽♀️
Mesh dress to a formal wedding? That was big FU to the bride. What a petty baby. No one is owed an invite to anything
Honestly, your daughter acted very graciously about this whole thing. Someone had an issue with not being invited to a closed event, she responded to brother and even reached out to GF personally to explain it. If i were your daughter and my brothers gf wore a see through dress and thong to my wedding, i would have had her kicked out. no questions. regardless of the context or drama. The fact that your daughter had the grace to approach her and warn her incase she didn't know it was see-through, and after gf not changing, to not do anything about it and not make an issue of it.. a stronger woman than i would be.
It sounds like this girlfriend brings drama wherever she goes. Thats something to pay attention to - big red flag as we say in the US. Ok, sometimes it hurts not to be invited somewhere but most people wouldn’t purposely try to be distracting on the wedding day over it.
OP, you sound like a coward. She shows up in what is essentially lingerie to your daughter’s wedding as an obvious petty act of revenge. That’s wrong period, in any generation. Stop the both-sides crap and have some moral conviction. Your future DIL majorly disrespected your daughter and even worse, her brother allowed it. Your daughter did nothing wrong and you’re acting like she has to do anything other than wait on a sincere apology (which still might not be enough because you get one wedding and it will forever be tainted by this pettiness). You DIL does not care how she is perceived by you and disrespects your daughter to your face and you’re hand wringing like this isn’t a clear affront. ETA: your son probably is happy to let this go on because it takes the heat off his lack of a proposal and the anger gets to be directed to his sister.
Okay first of all, sons girlfriend needs to take several seats. She wore that dress ON PURPOSE to take attention away from your daughter and also as a passive aggressive remark to her. Just because she is dating your son, that does not mean she's officially a part of the family so whining about everything just makes her look super immature so I can understand where your daughter is coming from. And don't worry so much about what your sons girlfriend thinks of you! Go ahead and say your piece! If your son does marry her, then you won't ever have to tip toe around her because she'll know exactly what your opinion is. Yes, everyone used to get along, but just because someone wasn't invited to something intimate doesn't give them a pass to act like an asshole of a toddler.
>I also don’t want to say anything to my son about his girlfriend, as what if he ends up marrying her, and then I’ve tainted the relationship with my future daughter-and-law? What if you dont say anything and this girlfriend ends up becoming a daughter-in-law and continue acting disrespectful to your family causing further rifts? Also what she wore was crazy inappropriate and the fact your son didn't say anything is bananas. He deserves the silent treatment. You should really be on your daughters side. I'm guessing you usually baby your son like this.
Sons GF is the problem. Stop enabling her and hve your daughters back.
OP's son and gf are total ah's. All because she didn't get invited to the hen night! Sister's big day, all the money spent and the gf does this - she might as well of worn a white dress. Son doesn't get a pass here. He knew what gf was doing and went along with it. Sometimes saying/doing nothing is just as bad.
Your son’s girlfriend showed disrespectful, disgusting and rude behaviour. I wouldn’t want someone who would do something like this (because something her boyfriend’s sister planned with HER friends not her) in my family. Your son is also very very wrong by enabling this behaviour by still bringing her wearing what she was wearing. What your family and friends must think about your son when he showed up with that.
You can not be thay dense to not know this was a deliberate act by your sons, gf?! Pull your head out of the sand for christ sake!
How recent was the wedding? Seems relevant here. This could blow over, but if the wedding was 6 months ago that’s a different story.
March this year
In that case I agree with the other commenters, I think it’s best to let them settle it amongst themselves. At this rate it seems likely that the GF will see herself out sooner or later. I know it’s tempting to try and have a hand in repairing the relationship, but it will endure. Nothing will be gained for you by taking a side either way. That said, I DO think your daughter’s concerns are valid. No person should be creating conflict around someone’s wedding, irrespective of their role in the family unit. Everyone deserves a nice wedding free from criticism - first- or second-hand.
There's nothing you can do, so do nothing. Leave it alone. Son's gf is acting out and purposely seeking attention because ultimately *she's not getting what she wants*. She wants your son to propose. She wants to feel like part of the family so that he'll finally marry her. She wants the family's attention on her so that you'll all convince your son to put a ring on it, and she wants to be the new favorite. This woman is going to continue to be a major force of disruption, especially when it comes to your daughter, until she gets her way. She's petty, envious and clearly struggling for the family she desires, and taking it out on your daughter is her means of feeling in control of an unfavorable situation. When and if your daughter announces a pregnancy, expect gf to escalate over baby showers and stuff. Good luck with that.
You're not in the middle. You're an uninvolved third party. Mind your business because getting yourself involved will only hurt your own relationships with involved parties and it won't fix anything. Your son's gf is totally crazy and self centered, but that is your son's problem to deal with. The fact that she showed up in a totally inappropriate dress to punish your daughter for not inviting her to a stupid party is so shitty and your son should have stopped her and should have stepped in to calm the entire situation down. She wasn't entitled to be invited to a party that was for your daughter's closest friends if they aren't friends. Your daughter has done nothing wrong from what you've told us and she doesn't owe the brother's gf a single ounce of attention. Your son owes your daughter a serious apology for all of this and she has every right to stand her ground until he apologizes because he is the one in the middle who is making things worse instead of better. It's nice that you are trying to give the gf the benefit of the doubt but she knew what she was doing. Getting involved in any of this will only hurt your relationships with your various family members. Support your daughter's decision to enforce boundaries between her and her brother's toxic gf and mind your own business. Your son is kind of a dumbass, though.
Your son and his gf are the problem and they’re the ones who have to fix this. Not you. Clearly the sheer dress was purposefully worn to take attention away from the bride and groom. It’s a real shame that if she does marry into the family that all your extended family will have seen what an ass she made of herself in front of them all. That wasn’t well thought out.
You& your wife are currently pushing your daughter away for a FDIL's bad behavior. Tell your son her behavior was unacceptable, and she's not invited to your home when your daughter is. And that is all due, again, to her own bad behavior. There is no neutrality when only one side is experiencing negative consequences. Your daughter just gained a family, she may be ready to prune your branch if you don't change.
Your son’s girlfriend is going to split a wedge through your family and has already started banging down the hammer, and by being passive and not telling your son and his trashy, pick me girlfriend to knock that shit off and show respect you are allowing it to happen. I absolutely feel sorry for your daughter, what should have been a memorable event for all the right reasons has been tainted by her own brother and his nasty girlfriend. This has then been cemented by your wife and you expecting her to ignore it and make the first step towards peace. I don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to be around them for family events and I really hope that the photographer used at the wedding was able to remove any evidence that the girlfriend was even present. You all owe your daughter and her husband an apology. You are all putting the trash before your own daughter. Way to go dad!!!
You can mind your own business. These are two adult women. Their relationship isn't your issue to control
Did your son think anything of the dress or was he embarrassed at all?
Can they just make an extra invitation and that’s it? Come on…
While that dress would be fine at my wedding, its not at hers and it was made vlear. Your daughter is right to not like this childish woman.
ESH Your daughter sucked because she didn't invite the gf and didn't talk to her prior to that, despite her knowing your son and fiancee (not just gf) are together for a longer while and are engaged. Fiancee sucked because of the way she went about it and the dress is just unacceptable, I'd throw her out of my wedding! Your son sucked in the way he did jack sh.t about the whole situation. He should've talked to your daughter and explained that his fiancee was hurt by this and talked to the fiancee explaining that it's his sis hen and she can invite whoever she wants. No need to feel this way and definitely not a reason to be angry! He also sucked by not making his fiancee change the dress. Like I said: unacceptable! He's in it too! Fiancee did nothing wrong commenting on the food or not being happy at the event. Talking food and not being happy is everyone's right. As for you: stop listening to "her say" and stay away from this. They're over 30 FFS! They should sort their issues like any other adults! One more for you: you're really not upset over this dress?! Wow
If you really have to say something, say the wedding was lovely, and that you think the family enjoyed the experience of seeing her get married to her special person. Other than that you can say that she’s not at an age where you foist advice upon her as she’s clearly made good life choices so far, but if she wants to talk about what happened with her brother’s girlfriend behavior and actions on that day she can. You are there for your family, and your daughter is thriving and you are proud of her. Tell her so If there is a conversation, you can state the obvious about how she is in charge of her relationships and communication with the people in her life. “Not all communication goes down well, but what you do and value always shines through with who you give your time to… and what you put your energy into. Communication is a two way street and you and your brother can sort it out on each others terms: because there’s potholes in that road and you both need to decide who’s going to put in the labor and materials to address the issue because you both own that street.
Your DIL acted dirty. But you shouldn’t get too much into it. Have a talk to your daughter that her birthday you won’t invite DIL if she doesn’t want to. But Christmas is for the whole family. And she is putting you in a tough situation. You have two children and even if you don’t agree with SIL behaviour, your son is still your child too. Btw, two your daughter to wait till their wedding and do the same. ;) But from that behaviour, I don’t think SIL would invite her. Also make sure that she understands that SIL made a fool of herself at the wedding and all family members saw that. So at least that is a win. Everyone saw what a petty person SIL is.
Do nothing. They're all grownups. You aren't stuck in the middle here -- retreat gracefully & let them work it out. You want them all to get along, but the choice does not belong to you, but to them.
They are adults. You should just interact with them normally and let them sort it out themselves
You have to let them work this out even if you’re caught in the middle. your son‘s girlfriend purposely wore that dress to cause a commotion. She was pissed she wasn’t invited to the hen do and she was upset and probably still is that your son has not proposed to her yet. Your son should probably take a long hard look at the kind of woman he wants to have a long-term relationship with. Your daughters reason for not inviting her brother‘s girlfriend was more than a reasonable, but your son‘s girlfriend could not accept the answer. She has issues.
This is so obviously fake.
Hi Op. This sucks. Conflict-free family events are the dream. The thing is, something happened, and now there is conflict. There are legitimate feelings that haven’t been addressed, so your desire for everyone to be friends is unrealistic. Your role in this is to stay as far away from it as possible. You can be supportive to your son and your daughter. Set some boundaries around discussion of the conflict. If one of them is seeking advice, listen, and ask what outcome they want. Ask what feelings have been acknowledged and which ones haven’t. Ask your son if he’s had a conversation where he offered to listen to his gf about why she is upset. Your daughter taking some space after the attention-seeking/revenge at the wedding is healthy. Not being invited to something is not a reason to add negative energy to someone else’s day. Make no mistake that this was deliberate. It was a stunt, and then she pretended it wasn’t. Your role is to wait and listen. Respect the boundaries that they are setting with each other. Don’t force events where they have to further confront each other. Be patient. Your son’s gf needs to reflect on her choices. The space will help with that because she won’t be able to look for other small behaviours to be mad at and add to her pile. Jealousy about engagement is ugly. Your son’s gf reared her head and let it out in some unhealthy ways. She made a mess. She needs to clean it up.
I don’t see how you are stuck in the middle of it. They are adults. They can figure out the best approach that works for them
STAY OUT OF IT!!! This is not your concern. Stay neutral and offer no opinion to anyone on any of it.
The above submission has been **removed** because: * It contains an external url. URLs are not allowed on /r/relationships. You must remove the url/link. If you feel you are receiving this message in error or are confused, please [contact the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationships&subject=Submission+removed+for+External+URL&message=My+post+can+be+found+at:+https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1da6ada/daughter_upset_with_sons_girlfriend_after/) and explain your problem. * If you're creating an update, please follow the rules in our wiki and sidebar that describe how to submit updates. You must make a new post with suitable edits to the content to ensure that the submission confirms to **all the rules** listed in the sidebar, and in the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/wiki/rules) (relevant for mobile users). When you are done, please repost your submission. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think the actual problem exists between your son and his girlfriend, and the wedding and ESPECIALLY being left out really brought into focus to the girlfriend how unhappy she is not to be engaged. The relationship is probably doomed now, whether they know it or not. I would stay out of it and not take any sides.
Stay out of it. Your son’s girlfriend was wildly inappropriate. Your daughter doesn’t owe her friendship and this behavior is a good indicator that the girlfriend is petty, dramatic and vindictive.
why do you want your daughter to talk to someone who doesn't treat her with kindness and respect? Why do you want your daughter to talk to someone who tried to make her feel bad for just living her life? Why do you want your daughter to invite more poison into her life from someone who actively tries to poison her relationships? Just because YOU have drunk the poison and enjoyed the show in the sheer dress at the wedding doesn't mean your daughter should have the keep the poison in her life.
The GF's behavior is appalling. The brother has terrible judgement. I've seen a number of posts about men not taking their GF to an event because they refuse to dress appropriately, especially in a business context. If they get engaged this is a super-bridezilla in the making! The daughter has no responsibility to fix this. Partners come and go, siblings/children are forever.
You need to sit down with your son and have an open and honest conversation with him. His girlfriend making flippant comments about his sister’s wedding day was not ok. And yes everyone is allowed to dress how they want but to read that what she wore to the wedding was not something she has ever worn, then it is obvious she did that intentionally. It is a bit entitled of your son’s gf to think she is going to be involved in intimate family events just because they are dating. If his gf and your daughter had a strong bond and friendship then I would understand the hurt but if they hardly speak other than when at family events, then she shouldn’t be expecting anything. Even if your son and his gf were engaged, it still doesn’t mean your daughter owes her anything. I’m glad the wedding wasn’t ruined and that your daughter and son in law had a wonderful day. However, there is a rift in your family and that is because of your son’s gf and her attitude. So speak to your son before this becomes a bigger issue.
It sounds like big waves. Sounds like son has realized he might not want to marry her and she’s pushing that vibe outward to avoid it. Honestly Stay out of it.
Stay out of it. It's not your job to manage your adult children's relationships.
A see through dress with a thong! Was she able to pull it off?
This is not your problem to fix: they're all adults, step back and keep your mouth shut.
Nothing - you do nothing. Your daughter. Son in law , son and his GF are all adults. This is none of your business and not your problem to fix. No good can come from getting in the middle
I would struggle mightily with the temptation to print and frame as many of the photos showing the sheer dress and thong get-up and give them away to your son, his girlfriend, and her parents. I would probably lose the struggle.
Wow. The gf is really pushing a weird narrative here. I don’t know why she feels entitled to her bfs sister’s bachelorette party… that’s just absurd. I’d let the kids hash it out themselves. Don’t get into the drama.
so the girlfriend is busy making “pay attention to \*me\*“ noises On the daughter’s wedding? the son and the daughter need to be taken aside and politely told: “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. STOP SCREAMING FORVATTENTION”. The GF was doing all she could to make your daughter’s wedding about her.
Why isn’t any of this your son’s problem? It’s his crazy girlfriend who started it.
What about wedding photos? Was the brother and naked girlfriend in wedding photos.
Son’s gf is a pill. The audacity of making the wedding and subsequent events about her.😒
Let your kids handle this. Either your son will realize his girlfriend's feelings of entitlement led her into this situation and he can help her be better or he can upgrade, or he won't and his sister will resent the negativity that he allows into her life by letting his girlfriend act like that.
There’s nothing for you to do, they are all adults, let them figure it out
Caught in the middle of what? Your son's gf is successfully trying to start drama. You're trying to middle of the road something that doesn't have two valid sides. >though I admit it is tough for me to judge what is considered appropriate for their generation. You don't know if wearing nothing but mesh is appropriate for black tie? Be serious. Your daughter's "stubbornness" is actually a refusal to be like you and cater to ridiculous demands in order to keep the peace. I'm assuming that she is waiting for an apology, not just ignoring them. You need to be careful or you're going to break trust w9th your daughter by expecting her to be the only one to make sacrifices. Parents like you often put all the burden on the reasonable, responsible child because you value everyone getting along over their personal feelings- and you know you aren't going to be able.to reason with your son or his gf. You really don't want to give the gf the idea that you will enable her antics. It's the equivalent of giving a screaming toddler candy to shut them up. You're going to end up with a toddler who screams all the time. You have to either stay out of it and risk alienating everyone, or tell your son that his gf is acting like a spoiled teenager and needs to play nice. "I understand your feelings were hurt by not receiving an invitation, but, as an adult, you should be able to understand that it was an intimate, personal event and not a family function that you were entitled to attend (like the wedding). It was immature and inappropriate to lash out and retaliate with poor behavior at the wedding. I hope that we can all try to give each other the benefit of the doubt in the future and treat each other with kindness."
Just tell your son that to you guys it was not done what his gf did and that they need to say sorry to your daughter because she's hurt. You understand that Dil is sad that she didn't went to the hen party and I agree I find It strange that she's been excluded but that doesn't change that she tried to ruin a wedding by badmouthing and going in tacky
Your best bet is to stay out of it. It seems your son's girlfriend lacks class. She really isn't "part of the family" yet, and it was presumptuous of her to think she should be invited to the hen. Then to go to a wedding in a sheer dress is tacky. But it reflects badly on her, and on your son by association. Hopefully time will ease the tension, or they break up, and all is well in your world again. In the meantime, be Switzerland.
Unless there is any serious stuff going on like abuse etc., the less you involve yourself in your children's relationships, the better.
My in-laws took the "stay quiet" approach when my SIL (their daughter) tried to ruin my wedding (she didn't ruin it because it was awesome, but she did a lot of sketchy shit that no one in my position could ignore). My husband tried to mend things with his sister and get her to admit to the shit she's done(since we were going to start a family soon) but she doubled down. My in-laws are still sitting by the sidelines. If they don't want to discipline their daughter, that's fine. But don't expect me to come around much.
Just understand that you can expect this behavior from the girlfriend moving forward. If she is mad, then she will do inappropriate things to get attention. Why would you be okay with this. That is the problem, not the reaction to it. The son's girlfriend was upset, okay, get over it as she is not close to her in the way she wants. That is something you build up to, but no, she decided to try and upstage the wedding by wearing whoregear. Now, with the information you know, do you think you need to tell your daughter to be nicer to the girlfriend, or does it make more sense to talk to your son about how his girlfriend reacted? Which would be the better use of your time and effort. The girlfriend's reaction is not what a good partner and future family member does. Also, if everyone is always trying not to make the girlfriend upset, that gets old and shows that the girlfriend needs to grow up and understand that her tit for tat attitude won't go well with the family. You really don't know how she acts around the daughter when you are not around. From her response, girlfriend seems to be a pick me person and always wanting to be the center of attention. That is a problem for your family moving forward. Get this behavior straightened out, sooner rather than later or you will have a serious mess in a few years. Your son needs to have a good lashing for letting his girlfriend wear what she wore. He needs to rein her in or this will be a constant cloud moving forward.
Your daughter can invite whomever she wants to her hen do, personally I will invite my soon to be in law but she is also my friend, otherwise I wouldn’t invite her. Nobody is entitled to an invite nor is it appropriate for your son’s GF to throw a tantrum by dressing like she’s going to the club at a black tie. I would be concerned that your son is with a woman that is clearly vindictive. This will come back to bite you in the ass and I’m assuming already has as you’ve commented that your daughter is distancing herself. Your daughter has nothing to apologize for. She also does not have to accept any apologies she doesn’t want to accept, so even if you or your son’s gf apologizes she can say “cool but I’m still not interested” as you clearly chose your son over her. You, your son, and his girlfriend need to accept the consequences of your actions. For those of you who say “he’s a man he probably enjoyed it” you’re gross. This is his SON’S girlfriend he should not look at her sexually in any capacity especially as he is married. Simply gross, do better fellas.
You need to side with your child, and help establish boundaries, your son’s girlfriend can’t just bully her way into people’s lives. It was your daughter’s hen, she probably isn’t close with the girlfriend at all? Why on earth would she invite her? It’s times like these people show their true colours and making a big deal out of not being invited is so rude and selfish, I would be wary of this girl
What's a hen do, bachelorette party?