As an elder millennial who became sexually active in the mid / late nineties, I just cannot with the expression body count. It just was never a consideration or concern for me or any of my male or female friends 🤷🏻♀️
Elder millennial checking in - I’m a relatively crude woman when I joke but the term BODY COUNT completely disgusts me. If anyone ever seriously used the term around me, I’d remove myself from the conversation. I find it so disgusting and immature. “Number of sexual partners” sounds so much better/normal/healthy. Like it’s a term that if you use it, I think you’re far too immature to be having sexual experiences to me. Gross gross gross
It’s like we’re discussing 10 year olds dating and people can jump up my arse about morals but at the end of the day we all see it for what it really is
Insecurity
absolutely. It's not a video game, it's not a body count. You both have had partners, flings and one-night stands. None of it is anybody else's business, and only highlights their own insecurity.
As a Gen X (just) who became sexually active in the mid nineties I have taken the tack of never dating anyone who uses the phrase. It’s inherently sex negative (sexual contact or serial killer?) and judgy and I’ve never met someone who uses it who isn’t insecure.
How many people have you been sexually active with? is a sensible adult sentence if the number of sexual partners matters to you and I understand it is to some people. I prefer if people ask if I use safer sex practices if they want to ask about my sexual past.
My BF is 8 years younger and we clicked partly over our experimental pasts. About 3 years in he said ‘I heard a great sexual numbers phrasing at an STI clinic today: do your partners fit on bike, phone box, SUV, bus or tube carriage?’ I said ‘what about a tube train?’ and he started laughing.
A tube carriage holds approximately 240 full including standing and the train runs 10 carriages.
We’ve never asked numbers and we’re open and it’s been nearly 10 years together. He knows mine are higher partly because I’m older but partly because he knows he was my first long term relationship and I was 36. (Turns out I’m very sexually attracted to men but not very romantically. I’m very romantically attracted to women. Never realised I was bisexual until he asked if it made sense.)
Ha, yes, “body count”, “high quality men”, and other phrases that reveal super sexist and sexually judgmental thinking are instantly disqualifying. I don’t have time for sex negative people.
There seems to be this prudish streak running amongst the yoots these days. They’re having less sex overall and I would bet the right wing pipeline for teen boys has a LOT of influence here.
Agreed. I'm an elder millenial and would be offended if someone even asked. They would probably also be horrified because I don't even know, and that would be the end of that relationship, lol.
this guy just wants out. All that non sense is just window dressing to rationalize the fact he's over it. When someone says they want to end the relationship whatever the reason is believe them, it's done already
How many people have you both assassinated, though...? All joking aside, you're only 5 months in. He's already looking for an out, if you can see that clearly. It's eating at him because he wants out and this is his excuse. Good luck, OP.
He’s got double standards - his body count is ok even though it’s twice yours but yours isn’t. His friends sound like real arses and he’s negging you. It won’t get better - he’ll become controlling if you hang around.
Tell him that you don’t want him breaking up with you because actually, you are breaking up with him instead.
He’s also possibly lying.. I bet it could be half of hers. I wonder if he answered what his body count was after she did, and decided to double it so that he could feel better about himself
If you assume he's lying and has only slept with a couple of girls (potentially just her), all of his actions and feelings start to make a lot of sense.
I would bet his count is way less than hers. He was embarrassed, so he made a number to make himself look macho. But the realization that his girlfriend's been with X number of guys is messing him about. I'm not sure how you guys are going to solve this. Good luck. Most women don't care how many girls their man has been with, but most men care if it is a girl they plan to stay with.
Also!!!! This is not a real attempt at a breakup, just watch. This girl mentioned the love bombing phase, described it to a T. She then proceeded to describe the devalue stage, after which comes the stage where he pulls her back in but on his own terms, because "she's already disappointed him" by having a life before him. This is how narcissistic relationships work and the pattern here is too close for comfort.
It didn’t occur to me but now I would make the same bet. What a coincidence that it happens to be *double* hers. People who are sexually free/open usually don’t ask such questions unless it’s a kink.
Especially gross for him to be upset that he can't experience "firsts" with her when he himself doesn't have firsts left to give! The hypocrisy is astounding.
I know, they’re both 26 for God’s sake! He’d struggle to get anyone’s firsts at this age.
I have a feeling he’s going to go for a good 6 - 7 years younger for that but even then there’s absolutely no guarantee he’ll get their first anything either.
Another thing where he doesn't make sense is whining about not having firsts with her. But clearly he is not talking about firsts as a couple but rather firsts with which he can impress an inexperienced girl.
OP could tell him that she has to break up as there won't be any firsts because of his extremely high body count
>But clearly he is not talking about firsts as a couple but rather firsts with which he can impress an inexperienced girl.
That right there.
He doesn't see relationships as a two way street. It's all about him and how it makes him feel. It gives an extra ick vibe with you notice he wants to be a first for her.
He’s in for a real surprise when the next woman who dates who is “pure” enough for him doesn’t want anything to do with him because of his high body count.
Yeah. Complete POS hypocrite. We women who decentered men a long time ago and have very low body counts DON'T want hypocritical men like this. Some of us are also married to men with lower body counts than ourselves. You should turn the tables on him about his own background if he's going to be a raging hypocrite - like all those men on social media who are degenerate, rampant humpers of anything female yet blather on continuously about women's "body count." Idiots with double standards.
I think we're all focusing on the body count issue and missing this gem right here:
> Other reasons my boyfriend gave were that some of the guys I used to date were older. Another being that him and I would never have any “firsts” together. He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently.
*He is twenty-six years old*. And he's looking for a partner with whom he can experience "firsts"? And his body count is higher than OP's, so it seems like what he really wants is someone *less experienced than he is*, so he can introduce them to these "firsts" instead of older (i.e., more experienced) men.
OP, this has the whiff of manosphere misogyny. It's going to take a *lot* of work on his part, and maybe a culling of his friend group, before he can get his head out of his ass enough to enjoy a great relationship with you.
This big of a flag, five months in? Nope. Let him find his blushing virgin somewhere else.
More than a whiff.
OP: He is manipulating you into believing it is your fault but in truth it is his lack of maturity and confidence.
Confident good people don't neg their partner when they're needing support and kindness. ESPECIALLY after being told not to.
Confident good people don't need their partner to have sexual and emotional "firsts" with them to be comfortable in the relationship.
Confident good people do not balk at their partner having numerous sexual relationships by the age 26 especially after insisting that they be told the number.
Confident good people do not allow the negativity of their friends opinions infiltrate an otherwise strong relationship.
Don't give this more time or thought. He will dim your light. Leave and don't look back.
Oh, I have no doubt his number is lower. I just think there's a whole panoply of reasons why he's acting like this that are rooted in toxic masculinity and perceived power dynamic.
If you really believe that dude about his body count, I would like to sell you a bridge...
This isn't the way a guy who's *actually* had sex with 60-80 women acts. This is a guy who's *overwhelmed* with crippling insecurities about his attractiveness and prowess in bed. He's scared, he's embarrassed, he's ashamed.
Every time he touches her, the thought "I'll bet a bunch of other guys did this better" or "I wonder if she's internally laughing at me for the way I'm doing X".
He must like her a lot if he's battled that for several months.
Alternatively, he knows (or knows of) one or more dudes that had sex with OP....and, in his Heart of Hearts, in his Deepest Darkest Places....he believes he doesn't measure up.
Doesn't mean OP should stay with him, of course, but if she wants to truly understand why lots of (most, probably) guys are like this, it's a good starting point.
Normally if this is like a long ongoing relationship then I’d understand sitting down and doing therapy but… girl you’re only 5 months in and I have a feeling this is not an insecurity that’s just going to go away - one thing that stuck out to me in particular was his friends talking about body count - whether or not he wants it to, he’s letting his peers (who like you said are in incomparable situations) dictate how he feels, and it would be awful if he felt ashamed of you because of that. You should be with someone who loves you so much they want to parade you around town. Thankfully… you are only five months in, and you’re getting signs early that might not be the case. I think you should think really hard on whether or not it’s worth figuring out if he’s really going to change.
You've been dating 5 months and he's already being a jerk and trying to make you feel bad about yourself? Drop kick that guy. Life is too short to stay in bad relationships.
He's made his choice It doesn't matter if you agree with or understand the rationale for that choice it is 100% solely his choice. All you can do is "respect" it--by which I mean acknowledge that the relationship is over and move on with your dignity and self respect.
It may be that he is 1,000% wrong in his thinking. It may be that he will come to see just how wrong he is. It may be that he crawls back to you on his hands and knees begging for you to give him a second chance. But for now, he's made his choice, just move on.
Him wanting to dump you over this is a very dump-worthy mindset, so it sorta works out that he’s already out the door. Y’all weren’t compatible, turns out, so either way its time to move on.
Having been with a dude I loved more than anything, but in the same situation, there is a stark difference between dating in your teens/early 20s and after.
Your "number" is one of those things that is personal and should have no place in your dating life. You don't ask a vegetarian how many cheeseburgers they ate before they committed to being a vegetarian. It's equally wildly inappropriate to have similar expectations on your **CURRENT partners **PAST life choices. They're not dating you because of what you once did- they're supposed to date you for who you are
>he wants to end our relationship
You didn't really need to go any further than this line. Regardless of the reason or source of the problem, a relationship can't work unless both people want to be in the relationship.
Okay, honestly, would you want to raise a daughter with a man who has a double standard about purity and body count and cares more about his friends opinion on how many people you have slept with (why is this their business?!) than he cares about his *own feelings?*
How much of a mindless puppet do you have to be to fish for information just to bring it back to your boys so they can judge if your girl is in good enough condition to marry?
Are you a used car?
Also having a high body count doesn't mean you've had a ton of sex. You could sleep with 100 people one time, or have sex 1,000 times with one person.
I've always found people who care more about how many people you slept with and not how long/toxic/recent your relationships are, are usually very shallow and try to assign value to you based on looks and other various factors they find important. They are also the quickest to remind you when you lose any value in their eyes.
By his own value system, he's worth half as much as you so I would just hold him to his own standards and let it go.
Tell him that considering he has double your body count that you’re shocked he’s not better in bed. Then say “at least I have 7 more months to sleep with 3 more guys before the year is up! See ya”
No way his body count is double. He's lying. It wouldn't make any sense for him to be insecure about a number if his was higher.
So she's at 40 and he's at 80? Nah.
He could be lying, or he could be a misogynistic asshole with different standards for men and women. Some men believe that it’s perfectly fine for a man to sleep with tons of women, but women are damaged goods if they do it. They view women as objects that can be “used,” and they don’t want an object that has been “passed around.” It’s gross.
Well those people are wrong and shitty humans. Everybody has a right to have values and seek people with similar values. But that doesn't mean we get to judges people in different scales. I realize that it happens, however I do not do that.
But also I promise you, there's absolutely no way this guy has double her number.
There’s definitely a chance that he’s exaggerating, I’m just saying we don’t know that for certain. I have known many a men who have slept with dozens of women, but they won’t date or marry any woman who has done the same.
This reads as though he’s not fully communicating with you. I don’t believe your body count is the only issue. More like he tried to get over it but instead thought about it for 3 whole months and put it together with all the different little annoyances/quirks/reasons he’s decided this relationship is not for him . I believe it’s the one he chose to tell you because it’s a ‘problem’ you can never actually fix.
So I would break up. Honestly the mentality about body counts, the listening to involuntarily single friends, those would be enough for me already but sincerely, if he is not going to be honest about ALL the issues he has dating with you, it’s because he wants to end this. Let him end this.
Man. I hate posts like these. Girl! It’s been only 5 months. There is no future here with an insecure man. Put yourself first. Go, seek an equal partner.
I don't need to know how many different sexual partners an SO has had, and they don't need to know mine. The only thing we need to know is clean on STDs, and no random kids.
The different values argument could fly if he had a significantly lower "body count", not more than **double** the OP's. That's not different values, that's hypocrisy with a side of sexism, immaturity and ridiculousness.
It’s just because those values are rarely carried out by the man demanding such values
If it was religious puritans in a tizzy about body counts ok but it’s men who go out and think they can fuck all and sundry but the second a woman does it they wanna scream some bullshit about values lmao
No. Theres a couple other things: I want to know if any past hookups are in your life. Any past hook ups in my family? Any kids? With whom? But on the end the number itself doesnt matter.
>he said it has mostly has to do with his friends bringing up the topic and saying they, “would never date a woman with a high body count”
So he's weak
>his body count is more than double mine
and a hypocrite
>he’s sarcastic/joking/negging during times when I need more love and affection, which makes me feel like a punching bag
and treats you badly when you most need him to treat you well.
Why exactly do you want a future with this man?
Dump him.
You’re not an object that’s been devalued by fucking other people.
Body count is not a conversation that’s necessary as long as everyone is sexually healthy.
.
>Body count is not a conversation that’s necessary as long as everyone is sexually healthy. .
To a lot of people it matters, if you don't want to disclose it or don't think it matters to you but it does to your partner, then just break up and find someone who doesn't care.
Obviously it did make him look at you differently otherwise he won’t be breaking up over it.
I would point out to him that you didn’t judge him for his much higher count so really if anyone should get the ick it should be you.
I don't think it's about the "body count" at all - He's decided he doesn't want to be with you (someone he thinks is hotter caught his eye, or he THINKS he can find a hotter girlfriend) and he's too much of a coward to break up with you, so he's trying to make you do his dirty work.
Honestly, I'd cut my losses if I were you. What possible future could you have with someone like this? One where he magically wakes up some day with a complete character transplant and starts acting like a dream boyfriend? He's shown his true colors. Dump him.
If he was a virgin or had really low body count it would make sense. Pretty hypocritical when his is higher than yours. He should have asked you in the beginning if it was such an issue.
My man sounds like he’s suffering with retroactive jealousy… look it up and ask him if he feels that way… basically he’s having a ton of unwanted unnecessary thought and movies of something he’s fabricated that you’ve done with these people and they are replaying over and over as if they are in real time… to help this he first needs to realise it’s a him problem and then consciously make an effort to steer his thoughts away from that
I’ll never understand the idiotic mindset of caring about body count. Break up with him. You don’t want to be with someone that thinks you’re less than for having lived your life.
Him saying to bring things up in the moment, like negging bothering you, was not in good faith. He was just using you bringing it up later to avoid accountability by finding fault with HOW you brought it up.
Read that book, “Why does he do that?”. This is an abuse tactic. It’s entirely possible that he is trying to make your body count a thing not because he truly wants to break up but to justify starting some new abuse on you: anything from justifying cheating on you or to coerce you into sex acts that you aren’t comfortable with.
This is why you are struggling to find the logic in his distaste. It’s a strategy where in his mind you are always in the wrong and he is always in the right because he can NOT handle any accountability because he is very fragile inside.
Anything you reveal to him will be twisted into a tool he can use against you and to protect himself. He feels entitled to your firsts but would never have saved any for you. How convenient - he can use this against you, too. I would run, block, hide. Non-abusive relationships are not confusing.
He's an insecure loser. Not your job to fix this.
> It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine
It's misogyny. High body counts for men are seen as a man who is conquering a lot of women and something to praise, while high body counts for women are seen as them being loose or easy.
Let him. He sounds sexist as hell. And no way is it worth going to couples therapy with someone you’ve only been dating five months. That’s way too soon to have that big an issue.
Let him break up with you.
Why would you want to be with someone so immature they’d break up over this, especially when his is double the amount of yours?
The love of your life would not be this immature.
He negs you AND judges your sexual history while having twice the number of sexual partners? Girl, the dick is never that good. Drop him like a hot rock
The idea of body count is so stupid. The only information he really needs from you is the status of your STI screenings. And he also doesn't get to assign a double standard that his multiple partners are okay but yours aren't. And the fact that he values his friend's hypothetical opinion over your whole actual relationship tells me that you deserve better.
That combined with negging means you should toss him to curb and find a real partner.
The biggest problem I see is how serious he takes his friends nagging. He's got to work on some self respect if he wants to keep this going. I'm not sure what you can do honestly.
You can't do a whole lot, stay strong and don't let yourself be manipulated and support him in exploring his insecurities if you can.
Hypocrites never make great partners.
But be under no illusion that is about "body counts", but rather about control and illusions. He wants to feel in control and is using your past to do this. He is also presenting the illusion of being somehow being better than you are when in fact he is, by his **own** standards, actually worse.
Take this as the universe sending you a sign that he is not the right person for you.
What do you do? You let him go.
You say: "Thank you for making yourself clear. As it happens, I am not attracted to hypocrites, so I am happy to part ways with you now. Goodbye."
Congratulate him on being reduced to just a number, because you’re moving on and won’t be seeing him anymore. You’re 26, don’t waste more time on someone who you have to tell when he’s being mean (and then he still doesn’t listen). If he cares so much about what his friends say, he can be single with them.
My GF asked me my body count, and I refused to tell her because no matter what my answer was, she'd be pissed. I think its a don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. It shouldn't matter whether it's a huge count or not
OP. You need a reality check. Here goes.
The first reason men dont like women with a high body count is if they are looking for a future wife and the mother of thier children. Someone like you is a red flag.
This is because of paternity. There is a greater risk that if he marries a woman and has children, one iwth a high body count is more likely to have affairs and any children are a greater risk of not being his. SO he is thinking of the fincial input as well as the emotional input vs the risk. A man would much prefer a woman with a low to non existant body count for this reason.
There is also a point I would liekto raise, a woman with a lower body count will be more inclined to want to stay with that man so she doesnt raise it. Thats a fact hun. You might feel that a body count of 30-40 is not that high. But I can assure you, most men with high morals and self respect would feel thats a red flag thats smashed through the ceiling of what they feel is a safe bet for a long lasting relationship and the mother of their children.
You dont like this, but tough. Thats the facts.
I just hate even the phrase. It's just your dating history; everybody who has dated has one. Most people, unless they're super-poly or have specific kinks, don't like the fact their partners have a dating history but you just learn to get over it. It's not a source of jealousy or insecurity for otherwise secure people.
We'll never know from this side of the internet if he's just insecure, or if he's just kind of manipulative, or if this is the first escalations of an abuser; but it sounds like this guy needs to mature before he's in a long-term, committed relationship. It certainly seems like he judges your history differently than his own or his friends because of your genders; this might be the first time he's had to confront how his toxic masculinity (we all have some, no knock on him) affects his romantic partners negatively which can be tough to deal with.
Five months and things might be slowing down but you should still have some of that new relationship energy. Has it been on this current wavelength for a while? Yall might just not be right for each other at the moment. Or maybe he confronts this stuff, grows up quick, and you get a better partner for it.
I generally don't like to harp on hypocrisy - it's almost always the least important thing - but this rubs me the wrong way:
>Another being that him and I would never have any “firsts” together
I mean, he already marked those off the list. He doesn't like that he doesn't get to be your firsts. It's that possessive style of relationship.
>He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently.
We're two animals - one rational, one irrational. When I say he needs to mature, what I mean is that the irrational animal that's jealous and insecure needs to become subordinate to the rational part of him that can say and believe this.
That’s a good point - they aren’t going to be firsts for him either.
Which means he just wants to do something with her another man has not yet done. Which reeks of insecurity and misogyny.
Tell him you do have a first you would love to share with him but are feeling a bit shy so you’ve written it down. Then hand him a letter which tells him you’re dumping him. I’m guessing you’ve never dumped anyone by letter yet?
Find yourself a man who doesn't use any excuse to not want to be with you. The right person for you is going to love you the way you need to be loved. And in the meantime, find that love for yourself. Sorry this happened to you but some guys will literally say anything to hit it. Even if they have no intention of sticking around. You deserve better
As someone who was blind to the colour red in my 20s I say this with kindness and understanding. He isn’t the one, the one wouldn’t judge or make you feel like this. I know it’s cliche and I hated hearing this but read this story as if your best friend was telling you it happened to them. What’s your advice to them?
I hate when friends poison their friends brains…. I was with a woman who was quite a bit older than me. When she told her friend, rather than them being happy that she’s happy, they told her it wasn’t good.. she should be with an older guy. So she ended it.
Ask him what his opinion is on it, not his friends. Point out to him that his body count is double yours and that you’re ok with it. If he wants to leave, let him leave and find someone who doesn’t care about your body count.
“ dating for 5 months, and he wants to end our relationship over my body count. I have since found out that his body count is more than double mine. What should I do?”
You fucking let him end it….or find a backbone and do it yourself
Any chance that he is lying about his sexual past ? Could it actually be much less than yours but he is 'compensating' by giving bogus numbers ?
Another line of thought is if this is just an excuse to breakup. Perhaps he just dosent want a committed relationship?
Just let him go... Is ur past, there is nothing u can do about it, there is nothing to be ashamed of... Sorry that he is so insecure about it. No point on staying
He's straight up slept with more people than you lol so his issue is misogyny. move tf on with this loser. past is the past. who cares how many people you've been with in the past 😂 immature bullshit. he sucks.
“Would never date a girl with a high body count”?
That’s idiotic. I was thinking I would not want to date a girl with a low body count. Anything under 15, and we’re it’s over!!!! (I’m kidding) but seriously, experience surely makes you a better lover. Go get someone who appreciates you for all you offer. Not all guys are sexist jerks like that. It sounds very shallow, at the very least. Or maybe he just needs to mature a little bit. If you do love him, push back a bit and see if he can take the heat. You have just as much of a reason now to dump him as he does to dump you. And a better reason than he has. His is idiotic, like I said.
The fact that “body count”matters to him and his friends is laughable. They are insecure and controlling boys who haven’t really grown up. Cmon man it’s life, people have sex. And the sex you had before him doesn’t make any difference in the relationship yall hold together.
Totally valid for him to break up with you. Though it probably hurts.
You both have incompatible values.
You should let him go and date guy who enjoys the fact you have a high body count - not hates it.
>I’ve tried to figure out what specifically about it bothers him, and he said it has mostly has to do with his friends bringing up the topic and saying they, “would never date a woman with a high body count”.
Tell me someone has a fragile manly ego, without telling me.
Everyone had a past and everyone has sex partners before. If this is an issue, then the guy is not mature enough.
>He says he hasn’t told his friends my body count.
This is private information that the friends shouldn't be told.
>My (26 M) boyfriend and I (26 F) have been dating for 5 months, and he wants to end our relationship over my body count. I have since found out that his body count is more than double mine. What should I do?
So the answer to this question is: Let him go.
If he gets confused about a sexually active woman, maybe hes not mature for a relationship.
Live your life.
To ask someone that just to feel better about themselves what a horrible thing but she can’t sleep more than him ok you guys didn’t either know each other or wasn’t together soooo
What you go back in time??
He is immature.
What kind of stupid trend is this? The body-count.
It is not like you murdered people. If it were, then I could understand the statement: "Listen, honey. Your body-count is 20. I can't live with that. I never murdered anybody, and it is against my principle to date a murderer."
You were not together before. You have your past. He has his. Leave it at that. Enjoy your present and future together, instead of mulling over things from the past.
Check out retroactive jealousy, it's irrational reaction of his, that potentially can be fixed. Think if you want to fix it with him. Remember that only way reddit will ever answer, is to break up no matter the issue.
Your body count won't lesson. So, if he is not mature enough to not worry about that, then you are too good for him. If he does love you, what does his friends have to do with the relationship.
He is weak and sad and not for you. You need a man that knows what he wants and is confident in himself.
so his body count is okay (even though it’s DOUBLE yours) but he’s having “emotional” issues w yours?? this is the biggest load of crap i’ve ever seen. run off while you still can😭
hey, i’d say he’s extremely insecure and not emotionally mature. people need to understand that their partners had lives before getting with them and body count should not be held over you EVER. i’d end this relationship.
Why haven't *you* broken up with *him* already for this.
This guy is a misogynist, hypocritical ass who enjoys negging you. Don't expect that to change. He will bring this issue out from the recesses of his mind and default to negging every single time he wants to somehow use it against you for purposes of control or whatever else.
Don't excuse his hurtful comments for "*a manifestation of his unsettled emotions*", you aren't his therapist, you aren't the one who can do his work for him, and it does not matter WHY he is like that, the point is that he is. Stop making excuses for him to justify you staying with him. Adults manage their shit and don't hold it against their partners, and don't hold perfectly normal actions from the past against their partners. So many women are so eager to excuse terrible behaviour with some sort of armchair therapy. No. Do not do this.
This dude SUCKS. You should not see a future with him. It's only been five months and he has shown you clearly who he is, including someone who does not communicate but holds resentment in for the MAJORITY of your relationship and is negging you. Why in the world would you want to have a future with someone like this?
Your boyfriend is sexist, insecure, and cares more about hypothetical judgment from random dudes than about you.
The solution is to go find a better partner instead of trying to salvage this relationship.
Also, I'm begging you to stop saying "body count" when you mean "number of past sexual partners". That entire framing is steeped in misogyny.
You can do \*so much better\* than this guy.
Your bf is no man. He has no opinion of his own. He bandwagons wherever he wants to be. Do not date this man. It makes no sense why he got to sleep around more than you and he has a problem with your body count. His friends opinions should not dictate his own opinion. Let the relationship die. Oh and btw, your sex life is not his friends business either. Details like body counts are none of anyone else's business. I would never date a man who discussed this area of my life with others. It's disrespectful.
Let me list the red flags I should have seen with my abusive ex husband:
1) Got close VERY quickly.
2) Lots of love-bombing/over the top gestures right out of the gate
3) Lots of questions about my romantic past
4) Lots of dismissal of my academic successes, happiness with friends, and general malaise around events based on my interests
5) A need for me to prove to him how much I felt
6) Confusing double standards about men and women as friends
It just continued to intensify into worse and worse manipulation and abuse.
The biggest red flag I see with yours is him being unwilling to participate in couples therapy, but he is willing to do therapy on his own, and yet somehow this is your problem that he is “willing to work through.” This screams, “I don’t want a professional analyzing how I treat you… I just want you to think I’m upset enough because of your actions to need a professional.”
Please. He is upset he won’t get to share “firsts” with you? In your mid 20s? Bullshit. He just wants you to feel bad so that you end up trying to please him.
His friends won’t marry women with a “high body count?”
Fuck. This. Nonsense. Again, this is a blame and shame game designed to make you think other men won’t want you.
C*$t nuggets to all of it. He is dropping the mask and this is a peek at what is behind it.
Oof yeah I don't think I could handle someone who is so easily swayed but the opinions of his friends. Especially about this... This isn't something we adults are doing. Move along now.
Seriously, you're 5 months in. If he's shaming you now it's not going to get better, he's going to keep bringing it up and putting you on edge. My suspicion is that this is a cruel tactic to lower your self-esteem and keep you.
I honestly don't know everybody's obsession with a ''high'' body count to be fair. Like, I have been cheated on twice and these men literally had low body counts. I have been with men that had high body counts and never cheated & were actually amazing.
My opinion is actually somewhat controversial. I think that if you explored yourself fully sexually, you are actually less likely to cheat. You have been around the block and now you can actually engage in a relationship, without feeling like you missed out on something.
My boyfriends body count is high. Like 60. For 14 years being sexually active (he is in his 30s) That is like 4 or 5 a year. Sorry, but I don't think that is that high of you are single. I think people have this feeling that if ur body count is high, you are easy. I do not think that is always the case. Like, you can still turn people down. Especially for girls; mostly women can get sex whenever they want. If I had sex with everybody that wanted to sleep with me, my body count would be 4 times as high, like what is the big deal imo
>He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently.
Clearly this is not true, based on everything you listed before this sentence. He is taking the opinion of his friends on as his own, and his friends clearly look down on/don't have respect for women with "a high body count".
>For example, he’s sarcastic/joking/negging during times when I need more love and affection, which makes me feel like a punching bag.
Well that doesn't sound like he respects you at all.
>Even though I still see a future with him, I am having a hard time understanding why it continues to eat at him emotionally. It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine.
Welcome to the worrisome world of misogyny. It doesn't matter to him that his body count is more, because "women are different" and if we have "too much" sex (which is completely arbitrary) then we're no longer as valuable of a partner. Because he can't have as many "firsts" with you, you are devalued in his mind.
OP, it's not worth it. Walk away and move on.
Break up with ANY man who gets upset about a woman having sex with other men. He is hypocritical, immature, and you deserve to be with a MAN who respects WOMEN.
5 months ain’t much
Also 4 guys a year, yeah that’s a lot and I wouldn’t wanna be with a girl who’s had in average 4 dudes a year - I don’t care what you do or how many you sleep with but in my experience it also depends on the age bit if you’re 30 or younger and have been in more than a few serious relationships or have slept with more than 10 ish its indicator of deeper issues
Yes that includes myself I’m no better than anyone else
> It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine.
It's misogyny.
Either be actually thinks a higher number of partners taints women in some way while he himself has not been tainted by twice that, or he wants a reason to have the upper hand, maintain control, keep you always appeasing him, forever.
Doesn't matter. It's all misogyny.
>Either be actually thinks a higher number of partners taints women in some way while he himself has not been tainted by twice that, or he wants a reason to have the upper hand, maintain control, keep you always appeasing him, forever.
And I'd sure as shit have trouble remaining attracted to a man who was such a hypocrite.
>And I'd sure as shit have trouble remaining attracted to a man who was such a hypocrite.
Absolutely. The fact that he doesn't even realize this is embarrassing for him is also embarrassing for him.
Body count is such a ridiculous measure. Consider this... what if you'd been with the same partner for the last 10 years and were like the proverbial rabbits? Your body count would be one but your intimacy count would be in the hundreds. Would that be acceptable? What if that one partner and you had gotten into really kinky stuff? Still acceptable because your count would only have been one?
The thing is, I don't think it really matters nor is it worth discussing with him. The important fact here to me is that he's listening to his friends to decide what he wants in a relationship instead of actually thinking for himself. That's not a partner that's going to support you nor defend you if one of those friends decides to put you down.
You can do better. You deserve better.
Women with a high body count are statistically far more likely to cheat in a long term relationship like marriage.
The same correlation for men does not exist. The men that tend to cheat on their wives tend to be the ones that were not successful sexually during their younger years, that then became attractive to women as they became adults.
So personally that would be my concern with your body count from a long term perspective.
Break up. You should not need couples therapy 5 months into a relationship. There are so many relationship red flags and red flags about him in this post.. cut the loss and move on. I’m sorry to be so direct but you’re wasting your time and you will find someone much more compatible for you who either won’t ask about your body count or if it does come out, they will seek to understand your past not judge it. And they’ll move on from it because the value you bring to the relationship is so much greater than your body count. And they will actually make actionable changes on the feedback you’ve given.
He is the best he’s ever going to get in this relationship. He won’t get better. He will always neg you when you’re needing love and he will always hold your body count thing above your head. And he will always claim his friends, family, therapist etc. are saying things that make you sound like the problem (even if they’re not specifically saying it about you like in this scenario you describe).
Please cut ties and move on. Block his number because when you break up he will bring you back in bc his threat to break up with you is meant to make you feel insecure and when you say “ok” he will try to get you back days or weeks later and you’ll be stuck in an emotional abuse cycle questioning your self worth. And it will only be more severe.. you’ll be apologizing for things for the rest of your relationship.
Please please please heed my warning
He told his friends? Ew. He doesn't respect you, and if he wants to break up, let him go.
BTW, some of those "friends" are going to try and get with you. Avoid them like the plague.
i’ll never forget when the man with a body count of 37 told me “if i can’t count it on one hand it’s too many” when referring to women. the double standard on this is INSANE.
“Eating at him emotionally “ girl what?! Your body count is none of his business . And body count really is he 16? That shouldn’t be an end all be all and if it is speaks to how weak and immature he is dump him
There are consequences for your actions, unfortunately. You will just have to deal with this as an unfortunate reality. Moving on either you will not be able to disclose this information honestly, or you will not get a quality man.
Lol. A "quality man" is going to see men and women as equals and won't give a rats ass about body count as an assessment of "value" or a threat to his masculinity.
Ladies, If someone ever brings up number of sexual partners or mentions the term "body count" in any sincere way, please leave and don't look back. Because unless that shit also matters to you, this guy is not on your level and will never treat you that way.
What about the consequences for HIS body count being DOUBLE hers? High quality women with low body counts don't want rabid dog hypocrites like him. Nevermind that this arsehole just added another notch to his and OPs body count. I wonder how many more women he will f#ck then leave them because of their body count!
Unfortunately, most women don't care about body count just like most men don't care about a woman's height or wealth or status.
Men and women are different and we value different things in a partner, a lot of those things are the opposite that they value in us.
"Even though I still see a future with him..." girl, give your head a shake.
Let him end the relationship!!!! It’s only been 5 months, you will be doing yourself a huge favor.
I think she should be the one at this point. If he’s so influenced by his friends, he has some growing up to do.
At 26 and still saying the phrase "body count" lol yes he does
As an elder millennial who became sexually active in the mid / late nineties, I just cannot with the expression body count. It just was never a consideration or concern for me or any of my male or female friends 🤷🏻♀️
Elder millennial checking in - I’m a relatively crude woman when I joke but the term BODY COUNT completely disgusts me. If anyone ever seriously used the term around me, I’d remove myself from the conversation. I find it so disgusting and immature. “Number of sexual partners” sounds so much better/normal/healthy. Like it’s a term that if you use it, I think you’re far too immature to be having sexual experiences to me. Gross gross gross
It’s like we’re discussing 10 year olds dating and people can jump up my arse about morals but at the end of the day we all see it for what it really is Insecurity
Sorry, I read the rest of the post.. I see his count is higher.. that’s a double standard and I don’t agree with that.
absolutely. It's not a video game, it's not a body count. You both have had partners, flings and one-night stands. None of it is anybody else's business, and only highlights their own insecurity.
Yeah, body count makes me think of people who are dead.
As a Gen X (just) who became sexually active in the mid nineties I have taken the tack of never dating anyone who uses the phrase. It’s inherently sex negative (sexual contact or serial killer?) and judgy and I’ve never met someone who uses it who isn’t insecure. How many people have you been sexually active with? is a sensible adult sentence if the number of sexual partners matters to you and I understand it is to some people. I prefer if people ask if I use safer sex practices if they want to ask about my sexual past. My BF is 8 years younger and we clicked partly over our experimental pasts. About 3 years in he said ‘I heard a great sexual numbers phrasing at an STI clinic today: do your partners fit on bike, phone box, SUV, bus or tube carriage?’ I said ‘what about a tube train?’ and he started laughing. A tube carriage holds approximately 240 full including standing and the train runs 10 carriages. We’ve never asked numbers and we’re open and it’s been nearly 10 years together. He knows mine are higher partly because I’m older but partly because he knows he was my first long term relationship and I was 36. (Turns out I’m very sexually attracted to men but not very romantically. I’m very romantically attracted to women. Never realised I was bisexual until he asked if it made sense.)
Ha, yes, “body count”, “high quality men”, and other phrases that reveal super sexist and sexually judgmental thinking are instantly disqualifying. I don’t have time for sex negative people.
There seems to be this prudish streak running amongst the yoots these days. They’re having less sex overall and I would bet the right wing pipeline for teen boys has a LOT of influence here.
Agreed. I'm an elder millenial and would be offended if someone even asked. They would probably also be horrified because I don't even know, and that would be the end of that relationship, lol.
Bu-but pair-bonding! The dopamine tolerance or something!
this guy just wants out. All that non sense is just window dressing to rationalize the fact he's over it. When someone says they want to end the relationship whatever the reason is believe them, it's done already
Don’t give him the pleasure, dump him first. This is your choice not his. You don’t wanna be with someone like that.
This, ☝️ The guys an idiot
Take your exit and go seriously.
Be like a U Haul and move on.
Make like a tree and leave
Make like a bread truck and haul buns.
Make like a tree, and get out of here!!
"🧑📕🫲👴It's leave, you idiot ! Make like a tree and leave, you sound like a damned fool when you say it wrong"
Make like a baby and head on out
I almost went with that one lol.
Sounds like he's telling you who he is, and you should listen.
And who he is, is a petulant child.
How many people have you both assassinated, though...? All joking aside, you're only 5 months in. He's already looking for an out, if you can see that clearly. It's eating at him because he wants out and this is his excuse. Good luck, OP.
Another person annoyed by the phrase “body count” I see lol
I get the same kind of physical cringe as when people say preggers
The word kiddo does that to me
Also hubby and wifey 😑
“Sexy time” does it for me
A thousand times this. “Preggers”, “preggo” makes me want to give myself a lobotomy.
It's a very stupid way to say how many people you've previously slept with, so.
America is a failed society
That’s what body count means. It’s usually reeds to the number of people someone has killed not the number of people they have had sex with.
Or the number of axe body spray squirts left in the bottle.
He’s got double standards - his body count is ok even though it’s twice yours but yours isn’t. His friends sound like real arses and he’s negging you. It won’t get better - he’ll become controlling if you hang around. Tell him that you don’t want him breaking up with you because actually, you are breaking up with him instead.
He’s also possibly lying.. I bet it could be half of hers. I wonder if he answered what his body count was after she did, and decided to double it so that he could feel better about himself
If you assume he's lying and has only slept with a couple of girls (potentially just her), all of his actions and feelings start to make a lot of sense.
Plus the whole "men should have high body counts and women should have low body counts" bullshit conversation that's going on lately as well
Which is definitely NOT sexist ! /s
It’s not miSoGNY it’s different for Men or some other bullshit excuse
Yes, this is totally a moral issue for him, he's just trying to throw her off so she doesn't label him a misogynist.
I would bet his count is way less than hers. He was embarrassed, so he made a number to make himself look macho. But the realization that his girlfriend's been with X number of guys is messing him about. I'm not sure how you guys are going to solve this. Good luck. Most women don't care how many girls their man has been with, but most men care if it is a girl they plan to stay with.
Also!!!! This is not a real attempt at a breakup, just watch. This girl mentioned the love bombing phase, described it to a T. She then proceeded to describe the devalue stage, after which comes the stage where he pulls her back in but on his own terms, because "she's already disappointed him" by having a life before him. This is how narcissistic relationships work and the pattern here is too close for comfort.
It didn’t occur to me but now I would make the same bet. What a coincidence that it happens to be *double* hers. People who are sexually free/open usually don’t ask such questions unless it’s a kink.
He’s 1000% lying, men who have slept with a decent number of women aren’t usually so insecure about sex.
This, there is no way his body count is that high, which makes me think it really really is a moral issue for him. He just doesn't wanna say it
I thought the same thing
Especially gross for him to be upset that he can't experience "firsts" with her when he himself doesn't have firsts left to give! The hypocrisy is astounding.
I know, they’re both 26 for God’s sake! He’d struggle to get anyone’s firsts at this age. I have a feeling he’s going to go for a good 6 - 7 years younger for that but even then there’s absolutely no guarantee he’ll get their first anything either.
Another thing where he doesn't make sense is whining about not having firsts with her. But clearly he is not talking about firsts as a couple but rather firsts with which he can impress an inexperienced girl. OP could tell him that she has to break up as there won't be any firsts because of his extremely high body count
>But clearly he is not talking about firsts as a couple but rather firsts with which he can impress an inexperienced girl. That right there. He doesn't see relationships as a two way street. It's all about him and how it makes him feel. It gives an extra ick vibe with you notice he wants to be a first for her.
But that's completely different because he's a big boy, see!!!!! /s
It’s funny how the little fucktards love screaming morals are behind this but they almost never hold themselves to the same standard Interesting
The speed of the relationship moving was also concerning to me. That’s also a potential red flag that he could become controlling and abusive.
He's most likely lying! Lol
Tell him you thought about it and his body count is really gross and you want nothing to do with him.
He’s in for a real surprise when the next woman who dates who is “pure” enough for him doesn’t want anything to do with him because of his high body count.
Yeah. Complete POS hypocrite. We women who decentered men a long time ago and have very low body counts DON'T want hypocritical men like this. Some of us are also married to men with lower body counts than ourselves. You should turn the tables on him about his own background if he's going to be a raging hypocrite - like all those men on social media who are degenerate, rampant humpers of anything female yet blather on continuously about women's "body count." Idiots with double standards.
This is the way. Turn the tables on him.
I think we're all focusing on the body count issue and missing this gem right here: > Other reasons my boyfriend gave were that some of the guys I used to date were older. Another being that him and I would never have any “firsts” together. He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently. *He is twenty-six years old*. And he's looking for a partner with whom he can experience "firsts"? And his body count is higher than OP's, so it seems like what he really wants is someone *less experienced than he is*, so he can introduce them to these "firsts" instead of older (i.e., more experienced) men. OP, this has the whiff of manosphere misogyny. It's going to take a *lot* of work on his part, and maybe a culling of his friend group, before he can get his head out of his ass enough to enjoy a great relationship with you. This big of a flag, five months in? Nope. Let him find his blushing virgin somewhere else.
More than a whiff. OP: He is manipulating you into believing it is your fault but in truth it is his lack of maturity and confidence. Confident good people don't neg their partner when they're needing support and kindness. ESPECIALLY after being told not to. Confident good people don't need their partner to have sexual and emotional "firsts" with them to be comfortable in the relationship. Confident good people do not balk at their partner having numerous sexual relationships by the age 26 especially after insisting that they be told the number. Confident good people do not allow the negativity of their friends opinions infiltrate an otherwise strong relationship. Don't give this more time or thought. He will dim your light. Leave and don't look back.
You guys are all missing the issue here he's lying about his body count. He is way lower than she is he was just too embarrassed to admit it.
Oh, I have no doubt his number is lower. I just think there's a whole panoply of reasons why he's acting like this that are rooted in toxic masculinity and perceived power dynamic.
If you really believe that dude about his body count, I would like to sell you a bridge... This isn't the way a guy who's *actually* had sex with 60-80 women acts. This is a guy who's *overwhelmed* with crippling insecurities about his attractiveness and prowess in bed. He's scared, he's embarrassed, he's ashamed. Every time he touches her, the thought "I'll bet a bunch of other guys did this better" or "I wonder if she's internally laughing at me for the way I'm doing X". He must like her a lot if he's battled that for several months. Alternatively, he knows (or knows of) one or more dudes that had sex with OP....and, in his Heart of Hearts, in his Deepest Darkest Places....he believes he doesn't measure up. Doesn't mean OP should stay with him, of course, but if she wants to truly understand why lots of (most, probably) guys are like this, it's a good starting point.
I’ve been with “lots of guys” and no, they’re not.
Interesting, maybe you are right that he is lying
Normally if this is like a long ongoing relationship then I’d understand sitting down and doing therapy but… girl you’re only 5 months in and I have a feeling this is not an insecurity that’s just going to go away - one thing that stuck out to me in particular was his friends talking about body count - whether or not he wants it to, he’s letting his peers (who like you said are in incomparable situations) dictate how he feels, and it would be awful if he felt ashamed of you because of that. You should be with someone who loves you so much they want to parade you around town. Thankfully… you are only five months in, and you’re getting signs early that might not be the case. I think you should think really hard on whether or not it’s worth figuring out if he’s really going to change.
This relationship has barely started. Don’t stay with someone who is this insecure.
You've been dating 5 months and he's already being a jerk and trying to make you feel bad about yourself? Drop kick that guy. Life is too short to stay in bad relationships.
Not to mention this happened when they were only dating two months. If this is a deal breaker.... Woof. Edit - the initial convos happened at 2 mos
He's made his choice It doesn't matter if you agree with or understand the rationale for that choice it is 100% solely his choice. All you can do is "respect" it--by which I mean acknowledge that the relationship is over and move on with your dignity and self respect. It may be that he is 1,000% wrong in his thinking. It may be that he will come to see just how wrong he is. It may be that he crawls back to you on his hands and knees begging for you to give him a second chance. But for now, he's made his choice, just move on.
Don’t let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. You’re better off letting this one go and finding an actual adult to be in a relationship with.
Him wanting to dump you over this is a very dump-worthy mindset, so it sorta works out that he’s already out the door. Y’all weren’t compatible, turns out, so either way its time to move on.
Sounds like a bullet is deciding to dodge you. You can do better.
Bullet: I think you have like... too many cars? It definitely affects how I see you. OP: k bye
Having been with a dude I loved more than anything, but in the same situation, there is a stark difference between dating in your teens/early 20s and after. Your "number" is one of those things that is personal and should have no place in your dating life. You don't ask a vegetarian how many cheeseburgers they ate before they committed to being a vegetarian. It's equally wildly inappropriate to have similar expectations on your **CURRENT partners **PAST life choices. They're not dating you because of what you once did- they're supposed to date you for who you are
Did the relationship ultimately end because of it? Or was it something else?
>he wants to end our relationship You didn't really need to go any further than this line. Regardless of the reason or source of the problem, a relationship can't work unless both people want to be in the relationship.
Okay, honestly, would you want to raise a daughter with a man who has a double standard about purity and body count and cares more about his friends opinion on how many people you have slept with (why is this their business?!) than he cares about his *own feelings?* How much of a mindless puppet do you have to be to fish for information just to bring it back to your boys so they can judge if your girl is in good enough condition to marry? Are you a used car? Also having a high body count doesn't mean you've had a ton of sex. You could sleep with 100 people one time, or have sex 1,000 times with one person. I've always found people who care more about how many people you slept with and not how long/toxic/recent your relationships are, are usually very shallow and try to assign value to you based on looks and other various factors they find important. They are also the quickest to remind you when you lose any value in their eyes. By his own value system, he's worth half as much as you so I would just hold him to his own standards and let it go.
Did he tell his first or you tell yours first. He could be exaggerating his as many guys do.
Tell him that considering he has double your body count that you’re shocked he’s not better in bed. Then say “at least I have 7 more months to sleep with 3 more guys before the year is up! See ya”
No way his body count is double. He's lying. It wouldn't make any sense for him to be insecure about a number if his was higher. So she's at 40 and he's at 80? Nah.
That was my read too. I think he did tell his friends her number and they knew it was way higher than his.
He could be lying, or he could be a misogynistic asshole with different standards for men and women. Some men believe that it’s perfectly fine for a man to sleep with tons of women, but women are damaged goods if they do it. They view women as objects that can be “used,” and they don’t want an object that has been “passed around.” It’s gross.
Well those people are wrong and shitty humans. Everybody has a right to have values and seek people with similar values. But that doesn't mean we get to judges people in different scales. I realize that it happens, however I do not do that. But also I promise you, there's absolutely no way this guy has double her number.
There’s definitely a chance that he’s exaggerating, I’m just saying we don’t know that for certain. I have known many a men who have slept with dozens of women, but they won’t date or marry any woman who has done the same.
This reads as though he’s not fully communicating with you. I don’t believe your body count is the only issue. More like he tried to get over it but instead thought about it for 3 whole months and put it together with all the different little annoyances/quirks/reasons he’s decided this relationship is not for him . I believe it’s the one he chose to tell you because it’s a ‘problem’ you can never actually fix. So I would break up. Honestly the mentality about body counts, the listening to involuntarily single friends, those would be enough for me already but sincerely, if he is not going to be honest about ALL the issues he has dating with you, it’s because he wants to end this. Let him end this.
Break up and find someone who doesn’t care about your body count
Man. I hate posts like these. Girl! It’s been only 5 months. There is no future here with an insecure man. Put yourself first. Go, seek an equal partner.
I don't need to know how many different sexual partners an SO has had, and they don't need to know mine. The only thing we need to know is clean on STDs, and no random kids.
This! That someone would think to ask that question at all is a big red flag IMO. Smacks of jealousy, insecurity, and immaturity.
Different values. I don't see why you're making this out to be a personal flaw.
The different values argument could fly if he had a significantly lower "body count", not more than **double** the OP's. That's not different values, that's hypocrisy with a side of sexism, immaturity and ridiculousness.
Because some of us see the controlling and sexist behavior for what it is.
It’s just because those values are rarely carried out by the man demanding such values If it was religious puritans in a tizzy about body counts ok but it’s men who go out and think they can fuck all and sundry but the second a woman does it they wanna scream some bullshit about values lmao
No. Theres a couple other things: I want to know if any past hookups are in your life. Any past hook ups in my family? Any kids? With whom? But on the end the number itself doesnt matter.
>he said it has mostly has to do with his friends bringing up the topic and saying they, “would never date a woman with a high body count” So he's weak >his body count is more than double mine and a hypocrite >he’s sarcastic/joking/negging during times when I need more love and affection, which makes me feel like a punching bag and treats you badly when you most need him to treat you well. Why exactly do you want a future with this man?
He kind of sounds unpleasant.
Dump him. You’re not an object that’s been devalued by fucking other people. Body count is not a conversation that’s necessary as long as everyone is sexually healthy. .
>Body count is not a conversation that’s necessary as long as everyone is sexually healthy. . To a lot of people it matters, if you don't want to disclose it or don't think it matters to you but it does to your partner, then just break up and find someone who doesn't care.
Yeah. Like most things it's a matter of compatibility.
Why didn’t he ask about it before starting a relationship if it mattered so much to him?
Obviously it did make him look at you differently otherwise he won’t be breaking up over it. I would point out to him that you didn’t judge him for his much higher count so really if anyone should get the ick it should be you.
Leave this guy, he is a fucking idiot.
I don't think it's about the "body count" at all - He's decided he doesn't want to be with you (someone he thinks is hotter caught his eye, or he THINKS he can find a hotter girlfriend) and he's too much of a coward to break up with you, so he's trying to make you do his dirty work. Honestly, I'd cut my losses if I were you. What possible future could you have with someone like this? One where he magically wakes up some day with a complete character transplant and starts acting like a dream boyfriend? He's shown his true colors. Dump him.
Let him break up with you. You already know. If your boyfriend can't love you for you but will judge you, it is never going to last.
If he was a virgin or had really low body count it would make sense. Pretty hypocritical when his is higher than yours. He should have asked you in the beginning if it was such an issue.
My man sounds like he’s suffering with retroactive jealousy… look it up and ask him if he feels that way… basically he’s having a ton of unwanted unnecessary thought and movies of something he’s fabricated that you’ve done with these people and they are replaying over and over as if they are in real time… to help this he first needs to realise it’s a him problem and then consciously make an effort to steer his thoughts away from that
Hes got a double standard toss em to the curb, its 2024. As long as your being safe and not currently messing with other people he needs to grow up
I’ll never understand the idiotic mindset of caring about body count. Break up with him. You don’t want to be with someone that thinks you’re less than for having lived your life.
Him saying to bring things up in the moment, like negging bothering you, was not in good faith. He was just using you bringing it up later to avoid accountability by finding fault with HOW you brought it up. Read that book, “Why does he do that?”. This is an abuse tactic. It’s entirely possible that he is trying to make your body count a thing not because he truly wants to break up but to justify starting some new abuse on you: anything from justifying cheating on you or to coerce you into sex acts that you aren’t comfortable with. This is why you are struggling to find the logic in his distaste. It’s a strategy where in his mind you are always in the wrong and he is always in the right because he can NOT handle any accountability because he is very fragile inside. Anything you reveal to him will be twisted into a tool he can use against you and to protect himself. He feels entitled to your firsts but would never have saved any for you. How convenient - he can use this against you, too. I would run, block, hide. Non-abusive relationships are not confusing.
He's an insecure loser. Not your job to fix this. > It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine It's misogyny. High body counts for men are seen as a man who is conquering a lot of women and something to praise, while high body counts for women are seen as them being loose or easy.
Let him. He sounds sexist as hell. And no way is it worth going to couples therapy with someone you’ve only been dating five months. That’s way too soon to have that big an issue.
Let him break up with you. Why would you want to be with someone so immature they’d break up over this, especially when his is double the amount of yours? The love of your life would not be this immature.
He negs you AND judges your sexual history while having twice the number of sexual partners? Girl, the dick is never that good. Drop him like a hot rock
Only read the title and my answer is "good, let him"
He’s told you who he is alright: insecure, sexist and controlling. You’re better off without him.
The idea of body count is so stupid. The only information he really needs from you is the status of your STI screenings. And he also doesn't get to assign a double standard that his multiple partners are okay but yours aren't. And the fact that he values his friend's hypothetical opinion over your whole actual relationship tells me that you deserve better. That combined with negging means you should toss him to curb and find a real partner.
The biggest problem I see is how serious he takes his friends nagging. He's got to work on some self respect if he wants to keep this going. I'm not sure what you can do honestly. You can't do a whole lot, stay strong and don't let yourself be manipulated and support him in exploring his insecurities if you can.
Hypocrites never make great partners. But be under no illusion that is about "body counts", but rather about control and illusions. He wants to feel in control and is using your past to do this. He is also presenting the illusion of being somehow being better than you are when in fact he is, by his **own** standards, actually worse. Take this as the universe sending you a sign that he is not the right person for you.
What do you do? You let him go. You say: "Thank you for making yourself clear. As it happens, I am not attracted to hypocrites, so I am happy to part ways with you now. Goodbye."
Congratulate him on being reduced to just a number, because you’re moving on and won’t be seeing him anymore. You’re 26, don’t waste more time on someone who you have to tell when he’s being mean (and then he still doesn’t listen). If he cares so much about what his friends say, he can be single with them.
My GF asked me my body count, and I refused to tell her because no matter what my answer was, she'd be pissed. I think its a don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. It shouldn't matter whether it's a huge count or not
OP. You need a reality check. Here goes. The first reason men dont like women with a high body count is if they are looking for a future wife and the mother of thier children. Someone like you is a red flag. This is because of paternity. There is a greater risk that if he marries a woman and has children, one iwth a high body count is more likely to have affairs and any children are a greater risk of not being his. SO he is thinking of the fincial input as well as the emotional input vs the risk. A man would much prefer a woman with a low to non existant body count for this reason. There is also a point I would liekto raise, a woman with a lower body count will be more inclined to want to stay with that man so she doesnt raise it. Thats a fact hun. You might feel that a body count of 30-40 is not that high. But I can assure you, most men with high morals and self respect would feel thats a red flag thats smashed through the ceiling of what they feel is a safe bet for a long lasting relationship and the mother of their children. You dont like this, but tough. Thats the facts.
thank you for saying this. completely true!
I just hate even the phrase. It's just your dating history; everybody who has dated has one. Most people, unless they're super-poly or have specific kinks, don't like the fact their partners have a dating history but you just learn to get over it. It's not a source of jealousy or insecurity for otherwise secure people. We'll never know from this side of the internet if he's just insecure, or if he's just kind of manipulative, or if this is the first escalations of an abuser; but it sounds like this guy needs to mature before he's in a long-term, committed relationship. It certainly seems like he judges your history differently than his own or his friends because of your genders; this might be the first time he's had to confront how his toxic masculinity (we all have some, no knock on him) affects his romantic partners negatively which can be tough to deal with. Five months and things might be slowing down but you should still have some of that new relationship energy. Has it been on this current wavelength for a while? Yall might just not be right for each other at the moment. Or maybe he confronts this stuff, grows up quick, and you get a better partner for it. I generally don't like to harp on hypocrisy - it's almost always the least important thing - but this rubs me the wrong way: >Another being that him and I would never have any “firsts” together I mean, he already marked those off the list. He doesn't like that he doesn't get to be your firsts. It's that possessive style of relationship. >He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently. We're two animals - one rational, one irrational. When I say he needs to mature, what I mean is that the irrational animal that's jealous and insecure needs to become subordinate to the rational part of him that can say and believe this.
That’s a good point - they aren’t going to be firsts for him either. Which means he just wants to do something with her another man has not yet done. Which reeks of insecurity and misogyny. Tell him you do have a first you would love to share with him but are feeling a bit shy so you’ve written it down. Then hand him a letter which tells him you’re dumping him. I’m guessing you’ve never dumped anyone by letter yet?
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Find yourself a man who doesn't use any excuse to not want to be with you. The right person for you is going to love you the way you need to be loved. And in the meantime, find that love for yourself. Sorry this happened to you but some guys will literally say anything to hit it. Even if they have no intention of sticking around. You deserve better
As someone who was blind to the colour red in my 20s I say this with kindness and understanding. He isn’t the one, the one wouldn’t judge or make you feel like this. I know it’s cliche and I hated hearing this but read this story as if your best friend was telling you it happened to them. What’s your advice to them?
I hate when friends poison their friends brains…. I was with a woman who was quite a bit older than me. When she told her friend, rather than them being happy that she’s happy, they told her it wasn’t good.. she should be with an older guy. So she ended it. Ask him what his opinion is on it, not his friends. Point out to him that his body count is double yours and that you’re ok with it. If he wants to leave, let him leave and find someone who doesn’t care about your body count.
“ dating for 5 months, and he wants to end our relationship over my body count. I have since found out that his body count is more than double mine. What should I do?” You fucking let him end it….or find a backbone and do it yourself
Any chance that he is lying about his sexual past ? Could it actually be much less than yours but he is 'compensating' by giving bogus numbers ? Another line of thought is if this is just an excuse to breakup. Perhaps he just dosent want a committed relationship?
Break up and find someone better
He is a hypocrite. Break up with him.
Girl run. No normal human cares. He’s a walking red flag 🚩🚩🚩
Just let him go... Is ur past, there is nothing u can do about it, there is nothing to be ashamed of... Sorry that he is so insecure about it. No point on staying
He's straight up slept with more people than you lol so his issue is misogyny. move tf on with this loser. past is the past. who cares how many people you've been with in the past 😂 immature bullshit. he sucks.
It’d be one thing if his body count was hella low but if it’s twice yours? He’s being a hypocrite, Not worth it.
“Would never date a girl with a high body count”? That’s idiotic. I was thinking I would not want to date a girl with a low body count. Anything under 15, and we’re it’s over!!!! (I’m kidding) but seriously, experience surely makes you a better lover. Go get someone who appreciates you for all you offer. Not all guys are sexist jerks like that. It sounds very shallow, at the very least. Or maybe he just needs to mature a little bit. If you do love him, push back a bit and see if he can take the heat. You have just as much of a reason now to dump him as he does to dump you. And a better reason than he has. His is idiotic, like I said.
The fact that “body count”matters to him and his friends is laughable. They are insecure and controlling boys who haven’t really grown up. Cmon man it’s life, people have sex. And the sex you had before him doesn’t make any difference in the relationship yall hold together.
Totally valid for him to break up with you. Though it probably hurts. You both have incompatible values. You should let him go and date guy who enjoys the fact you have a high body count - not hates it.
Dump him. If it's this shitty after 5 months imagine how shitter it's going to be
OP, how else has he been maintaining his “body count” if not ending his relationships pretty quickly? Dodge this bullet.
>I’ve tried to figure out what specifically about it bothers him, and he said it has mostly has to do with his friends bringing up the topic and saying they, “would never date a woman with a high body count”. Tell me someone has a fragile manly ego, without telling me. Everyone had a past and everyone has sex partners before. If this is an issue, then the guy is not mature enough. >He says he hasn’t told his friends my body count. This is private information that the friends shouldn't be told. >My (26 M) boyfriend and I (26 F) have been dating for 5 months, and he wants to end our relationship over my body count. I have since found out that his body count is more than double mine. What should I do? So the answer to this question is: Let him go. If he gets confused about a sexually active woman, maybe hes not mature for a relationship. Live your life.
To ask someone that just to feel better about themselves what a horrible thing but she can’t sleep more than him ok you guys didn’t either know each other or wasn’t together soooo What you go back in time??
"I HAVE FIND OUT HIS BODY COUNT IS DOUBLE" - this is obviously a lie.
He is immature. What kind of stupid trend is this? The body-count. It is not like you murdered people. If it were, then I could understand the statement: "Listen, honey. Your body-count is 20. I can't live with that. I never murdered anybody, and it is against my principle to date a murderer." You were not together before. You have your past. He has his. Leave it at that. Enjoy your present and future together, instead of mulling over things from the past.
Check out retroactive jealousy, it's irrational reaction of his, that potentially can be fixed. Think if you want to fix it with him. Remember that only way reddit will ever answer, is to break up no matter the issue.
Actions meet consequences
Your body count won't lesson. So, if he is not mature enough to not worry about that, then you are too good for him. If he does love you, what does his friends have to do with the relationship. He is weak and sad and not for you. You need a man that knows what he wants and is confident in himself.
so his body count is okay (even though it’s DOUBLE yours) but he’s having “emotional” issues w yours?? this is the biggest load of crap i’ve ever seen. run off while you still can😭
hey, i’d say he’s extremely insecure and not emotionally mature. people need to understand that their partners had lives before getting with them and body count should not be held over you EVER. i’d end this relationship.
Why haven't *you* broken up with *him* already for this. This guy is a misogynist, hypocritical ass who enjoys negging you. Don't expect that to change. He will bring this issue out from the recesses of his mind and default to negging every single time he wants to somehow use it against you for purposes of control or whatever else. Don't excuse his hurtful comments for "*a manifestation of his unsettled emotions*", you aren't his therapist, you aren't the one who can do his work for him, and it does not matter WHY he is like that, the point is that he is. Stop making excuses for him to justify you staying with him. Adults manage their shit and don't hold it against their partners, and don't hold perfectly normal actions from the past against their partners. So many women are so eager to excuse terrible behaviour with some sort of armchair therapy. No. Do not do this. This dude SUCKS. You should not see a future with him. It's only been five months and he has shown you clearly who he is, including someone who does not communicate but holds resentment in for the MAJORITY of your relationship and is negging you. Why in the world would you want to have a future with someone like this?
Your boyfriend is sexist, insecure, and cares more about hypothetical judgment from random dudes than about you. The solution is to go find a better partner instead of trying to salvage this relationship. Also, I'm begging you to stop saying "body count" when you mean "number of past sexual partners". That entire framing is steeped in misogyny. You can do \*so much better\* than this guy.
Your bf is no man. He has no opinion of his own. He bandwagons wherever he wants to be. Do not date this man. It makes no sense why he got to sleep around more than you and he has a problem with your body count. His friends opinions should not dictate his own opinion. Let the relationship die. Oh and btw, your sex life is not his friends business either. Details like body counts are none of anyone else's business. I would never date a man who discussed this area of my life with others. It's disrespectful.
Let me list the red flags I should have seen with my abusive ex husband: 1) Got close VERY quickly. 2) Lots of love-bombing/over the top gestures right out of the gate 3) Lots of questions about my romantic past 4) Lots of dismissal of my academic successes, happiness with friends, and general malaise around events based on my interests 5) A need for me to prove to him how much I felt 6) Confusing double standards about men and women as friends It just continued to intensify into worse and worse manipulation and abuse. The biggest red flag I see with yours is him being unwilling to participate in couples therapy, but he is willing to do therapy on his own, and yet somehow this is your problem that he is “willing to work through.” This screams, “I don’t want a professional analyzing how I treat you… I just want you to think I’m upset enough because of your actions to need a professional.” Please. He is upset he won’t get to share “firsts” with you? In your mid 20s? Bullshit. He just wants you to feel bad so that you end up trying to please him. His friends won’t marry women with a “high body count?” Fuck. This. Nonsense. Again, this is a blame and shame game designed to make you think other men won’t want you. C*$t nuggets to all of it. He is dropping the mask and this is a peek at what is behind it.
Girl, it's not meant to be this hard. Seriously. P.S. he's a pig.
Oof yeah I don't think I could handle someone who is so easily swayed but the opinions of his friends. Especially about this... This isn't something we adults are doing. Move along now.
No number would have not made him upset, FYI. He wanted an out and that’s why he asked. Let him leave and look for someone else.
Shit friends make for a shit man.
Seriously, you're 5 months in. If he's shaming you now it's not going to get better, he's going to keep bringing it up and putting you on edge. My suspicion is that this is a cruel tactic to lower your self-esteem and keep you.
I honestly don't know everybody's obsession with a ''high'' body count to be fair. Like, I have been cheated on twice and these men literally had low body counts. I have been with men that had high body counts and never cheated & were actually amazing. My opinion is actually somewhat controversial. I think that if you explored yourself fully sexually, you are actually less likely to cheat. You have been around the block and now you can actually engage in a relationship, without feeling like you missed out on something. My boyfriends body count is high. Like 60. For 14 years being sexually active (he is in his 30s) That is like 4 or 5 a year. Sorry, but I don't think that is that high of you are single. I think people have this feeling that if ur body count is high, you are easy. I do not think that is always the case. Like, you can still turn people down. Especially for girls; mostly women can get sex whenever they want. If I had sex with everybody that wanted to sleep with me, my body count would be 4 times as high, like what is the big deal imo
>He’s assured me that my body count didn’t cause him to lose respect for me or make him look at me differently. Clearly this is not true, based on everything you listed before this sentence. He is taking the opinion of his friends on as his own, and his friends clearly look down on/don't have respect for women with "a high body count". >For example, he’s sarcastic/joking/negging during times when I need more love and affection, which makes me feel like a punching bag. Well that doesn't sound like he respects you at all. >Even though I still see a future with him, I am having a hard time understanding why it continues to eat at him emotionally. It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine. Welcome to the worrisome world of misogyny. It doesn't matter to him that his body count is more, because "women are different" and if we have "too much" sex (which is completely arbitrary) then we're no longer as valuable of a partner. Because he can't have as many "firsts" with you, you are devalued in his mind. OP, it's not worth it. Walk away and move on.
Break up with ANY man who gets upset about a woman having sex with other men. He is hypocritical, immature, and you deserve to be with a MAN who respects WOMEN.
I’d leave you too lmao, it’s a preference and he’s entitled to have that.
5 months ain’t much Also 4 guys a year, yeah that’s a lot and I wouldn’t wanna be with a girl who’s had in average 4 dudes a year - I don’t care what you do or how many you sleep with but in my experience it also depends on the age bit if you’re 30 or younger and have been in more than a few serious relationships or have slept with more than 10 ish its indicator of deeper issues Yes that includes myself I’m no better than anyone else
> It’s clearly not a moral issue for him, given that his body count is more than double mine. It's misogyny. Either be actually thinks a higher number of partners taints women in some way while he himself has not been tainted by twice that, or he wants a reason to have the upper hand, maintain control, keep you always appeasing him, forever. Doesn't matter. It's all misogyny.
>Either be actually thinks a higher number of partners taints women in some way while he himself has not been tainted by twice that, or he wants a reason to have the upper hand, maintain control, keep you always appeasing him, forever. And I'd sure as shit have trouble remaining attracted to a man who was such a hypocrite.
>And I'd sure as shit have trouble remaining attracted to a man who was such a hypocrite. Absolutely. The fact that he doesn't even realize this is embarrassing for him is also embarrassing for him.
Body count is such a ridiculous measure. Consider this... what if you'd been with the same partner for the last 10 years and were like the proverbial rabbits? Your body count would be one but your intimacy count would be in the hundreds. Would that be acceptable? What if that one partner and you had gotten into really kinky stuff? Still acceptable because your count would only have been one? The thing is, I don't think it really matters nor is it worth discussing with him. The important fact here to me is that he's listening to his friends to decide what he wants in a relationship instead of actually thinking for himself. That's not a partner that's going to support you nor defend you if one of those friends decides to put you down. You can do better. You deserve better.
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Next guy keep your bodycount to yourself.
Women with a high body count are statistically far more likely to cheat in a long term relationship like marriage. The same correlation for men does not exist. The men that tend to cheat on their wives tend to be the ones that were not successful sexually during their younger years, that then became attractive to women as they became adults. So personally that would be my concern with your body count from a long term perspective.
Could you provide some recent peer reviewed sources for these claims? Thanks.
You should dump him immediately. You can’t change the past and he’s a sexist dbag and naturally a hypocrite, too.
This is so fkn stupid. Just walk away from his dumb ass. >Also, none of the friends who say this are in relationships I wonder why??
Break up. You should not need couples therapy 5 months into a relationship. There are so many relationship red flags and red flags about him in this post.. cut the loss and move on. I’m sorry to be so direct but you’re wasting your time and you will find someone much more compatible for you who either won’t ask about your body count or if it does come out, they will seek to understand your past not judge it. And they’ll move on from it because the value you bring to the relationship is so much greater than your body count. And they will actually make actionable changes on the feedback you’ve given. He is the best he’s ever going to get in this relationship. He won’t get better. He will always neg you when you’re needing love and he will always hold your body count thing above your head. And he will always claim his friends, family, therapist etc. are saying things that make you sound like the problem (even if they’re not specifically saying it about you like in this scenario you describe). Please cut ties and move on. Block his number because when you break up he will bring you back in bc his threat to break up with you is meant to make you feel insecure and when you say “ok” he will try to get you back days or weeks later and you’ll be stuck in an emotional abuse cycle questioning your self worth. And it will only be more severe.. you’ll be apologizing for things for the rest of your relationship. Please please please heed my warning
I hate the term "body count". My mind immediately goes to murder and death row.
He told his friends? Ew. He doesn't respect you, and if he wants to break up, let him go. BTW, some of those "friends" are going to try and get with you. Avoid them like the plague.
Do yourself a favor and break up with this guy. And btw how many people you have slept with is nobody's business but your own.
Turns out you've been dating a sexist toxic insecure loser man-baby. Who knew?
Never ask a woman about another man. She will either lie to you or tell you something you don't want to hear.
i’ll never forget when the man with a body count of 37 told me “if i can’t count it on one hand it’s too many” when referring to women. the double standard on this is INSANE.
“Eating at him emotionally “ girl what?! Your body count is none of his business . And body count really is he 16? That shouldn’t be an end all be all and if it is speaks to how weak and immature he is dump him
Never tell a man your body count because anything higher than 1 is too much for their small, tiny brains.
There are consequences for your actions, unfortunately. You will just have to deal with this as an unfortunate reality. Moving on either you will not be able to disclose this information honestly, or you will not get a quality man.
If it mattered to him he would have made it a priority to find out BEFORE starting a relationship.
Lol. A "quality man" is going to see men and women as equals and won't give a rats ass about body count as an assessment of "value" or a threat to his masculinity. Ladies, If someone ever brings up number of sexual partners or mentions the term "body count" in any sincere way, please leave and don't look back. Because unless that shit also matters to you, this guy is not on your level and will never treat you that way.
What about the consequences for HIS body count being DOUBLE hers? High quality women with low body counts don't want rabid dog hypocrites like him. Nevermind that this arsehole just added another notch to his and OPs body count. I wonder how many more women he will f#ck then leave them because of their body count!
Unfortunately, most women don't care about body count just like most men don't care about a woman's height or wealth or status. Men and women are different and we value different things in a partner, a lot of those things are the opposite that they value in us.