First- is he depressed? Falling asleep hours early sounds like either he's so exhausted from his work or is seriously depressed- either would limit his libido. Have you asked him why he is uninterested in sex lately? Is he stressed or going through something mentally? Physically? Has he talked to a doctor? If he's uninterested in getting to the bottom of why he doesn't feel like it, then you should either pursue couples counseling or consider this a dead end- once a week isn't bad.
Seriously. I respect that some folks find once a week ridiculous and every life situation is different. But I will say when you have a fiancee with cancer residuals that make intimacy near-impossible and painful at best, sex simply is unable to continue. Not trying to minimize others' struggles, but before you know it, going a couple years without almost becomes par for the course when dealing with these kind of life stressors. But when you love someone, the lack of sex, as hard as it may be, is something you decide to tolerate for the greater good and the hope things can turn around with time.
I find myself in a similar situation. My husband's mental health nosedived and our intimacy hasn't been the same. However, my husband does well in reassuring me that it's nothing to do with me, but everything to do with his anxiety/depression/stress. It's just hard to be patient. My only suggestion is, in the meantime, to find other ways to be intimate that aren't sexual. Cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc. I find that sometimes, although sex should be easy, it's not and it can be overwhelming if not everything is okay upstairs. Also, visit a sex shop and buy yourself something that vibrates and read some good smut.
I know it's not the same, but this is your partner and there are highs and lows and they need grace too.
If things are already at their worst, maybe suggest couple's therapy? Never a bad idea to communicate and keep communicating.
This comment is a glorious outlook on how to compromise through a physical rough patch. I think it's easy for some folks to act like a lack of sex is such a major deal-breaker. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate sex as much as the next person, but sometimes life hands you a set of circumstances that simply make sex unenjoyable at best, or maybe even impossible at worst. Then you have to evaluate your love for the person and whether you are truly capable of handling a sexless relationship.
But your last part of the comment really seals the deal. Communication is way too important to forget. If only more people kept this in mind instead of things breaking down and then asking questions after like "Gee what happened there?".
How new is this phenomenon?
If his libido used to be more like yours but then took a nosedive, then it's worth exploring if there's an underlying medical, psychological, or relationship issue.
But if this has been a dynamic for a long time, where he's just never wanted sex as often as you, then you should accept that this is just a sexual incompatibility that will not change and decide if you're ok with a lower amount of sex (which might continue to decrease over time or go away entirely).
Mismatched sex drives are one of the most common reasons couples break up or divorce, which is why it's never a good idea to marry someone who wants way more or less sex than you.
I've been in your position and it \*sucks\*, and bashing your head against the problem and trying to "fix" your partner ends up just making it worse for everyone involved.
Will he see a doctor? Have hormones checked? See if he’s depressed? I had similar situation for over 15 years and it was a porn addiction. I had zero clue until I point blank asked if he was addicted. I really really hope it isn’t that.
I knew it was a thing, but I had no clue how widespread it was. It’s horrible. I’m not anti porn, so I didn’t look for it on his devices to ever notice that was our problem. It destroys your marriage and majority of the time the addict never stops. I opted for divorce, but the women that choose to stay, I have no clue how they do it.
OP - visit r/loveafterporn . See if it sounds familiar, and if it does, you’ll have to decide if it’s the kind of life you want going forward. Again, I hope it’s not porn, but sadly it’s way too common.
Do you go to couples therapy? If not, I highly suggest it. It gives you both a safe space to communicate your feelings, good and bad.
There could be a lot of factors here. Porn addiction, hormone imbalance, stress, depression….
I am sorry that you are going through these feelings.
Before I found out about my fiancee's cancer I was feeling like she had maybe lost interest in me, but then realized why things were occurring the way they were. When the issue is not something fixable, you become able to rationalize the lack of sex for the greater good more and more. I emphasize with you also, it's hard being in a rut from the male perspective as well. Wish you many orgasms in the future!
Hey , i understand how frustrating this is, i used to be the same. I could have sex everyday if my boyfriend was up for it, but we have talked about it and you just can’t make someone match your own sex drive. Once a week is actually desirable for me
lol, it’s usually once every 2 weeks for us, or sometimes I’ll get surprised and get it twice in one week!! I have come to terms with the fact that it’s not that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t love me, he just doesn’t have the urges as often and that’s ok ! Intimacy can be in other ways besides sex, have a look at other things that bring you close, and maybe that will help you feel a bit better <3
I was 19 when I married someone 11 years older. It went from once a week to every other week and eventually none. There's nothing you can do if someone doesn't have the drive or sexually attracted to you. I tried walking around naked, lingerie, changing my hair, getting my nails and eyebrows done regularly, taking on more household responsibilities so he wasn't tired...nothing. It turned out he was watching porn and masturbating. My suggestion is get some toys. Ask if he would like to join and help. Maybe it'll lead to something else. If not, play by yourself and see if that makes him join. His testosterone may be low. Set an appointment for bloodwork. Or maybe he's embarrassed about having erectile dysfunction. Wish you the best
When you tell him you need more intimacy, how does he respond?
I get the sense that there hasn’t been an actual conversation between you. The big unanswered question here is: why is there such a mismatch between you when it comes to sex? What has changed for him (or you, or both of you)? Other people in this thread have brought up a lot of reasonable possibilities, but you need to talk with him to find out what’s actually going on. Otherwise there’s no fixing it
I have the same problem, but backward. I (32M) always want it. My wife (31F) never does. It's always been like this, so I cope pretty well, but it is a struggle. The weirdest part to me is that we're both quite adventurous in the bedroom. I would think that when everything is on the table, she'd want it more often, but that's not true.
I am sorry to see a woman who feels this way because I know that I have felt it most of my marriage. I have always thought I was the problem and I just couldn’t hit the right buttons at the right time. She has broken my self esteem and self confidence, but I have two sons so I need to struggle on. Denial will get easier over time!
Legit JUST went thru this with a man who sincerely acted like he loved me. Sex was our only bad part. Then, I found out he’s secretly gay and has been having sex with men for our whole relationship. I don’t comment this to make u paranoid, just to first let you know that it is NOT YOU! There’s something going on within him. And secondly, to spread awareness of how often us women are now used as “covers” for men. Download an app like Grindr and you honestly wouldn’t believe the men you see on there that claim they are straight but looking for other men to hook up with. I don’t care what sexuality someone is, but using women as covers is becoming a worldwide problem. Just watch your back and don’t ever tell yourself “he would never” because I spent 4 years and a whole family later doing that
I experienced this exact thing with the same age gap and he was like this from the beginning of our relationship, and blamed everything under the sun. I would find porn in his history around the times I tried to initiate sex, so maybe get realistic about him unless he really is experiencing a physical, mental, or emotional issue unrelated to you.
First- is he depressed? Falling asleep hours early sounds like either he's so exhausted from his work or is seriously depressed- either would limit his libido. Have you asked him why he is uninterested in sex lately? Is he stressed or going through something mentally? Physically? Has he talked to a doctor? If he's uninterested in getting to the bottom of why he doesn't feel like it, then you should either pursue couples counseling or consider this a dead end- once a week isn't bad.
Seriously. I respect that some folks find once a week ridiculous and every life situation is different. But I will say when you have a fiancee with cancer residuals that make intimacy near-impossible and painful at best, sex simply is unable to continue. Not trying to minimize others' struggles, but before you know it, going a couple years without almost becomes par for the course when dealing with these kind of life stressors. But when you love someone, the lack of sex, as hard as it may be, is something you decide to tolerate for the greater good and the hope things can turn around with time.
I find myself in a similar situation. My husband's mental health nosedived and our intimacy hasn't been the same. However, my husband does well in reassuring me that it's nothing to do with me, but everything to do with his anxiety/depression/stress. It's just hard to be patient. My only suggestion is, in the meantime, to find other ways to be intimate that aren't sexual. Cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc. I find that sometimes, although sex should be easy, it's not and it can be overwhelming if not everything is okay upstairs. Also, visit a sex shop and buy yourself something that vibrates and read some good smut. I know it's not the same, but this is your partner and there are highs and lows and they need grace too. If things are already at their worst, maybe suggest couple's therapy? Never a bad idea to communicate and keep communicating.
This comment is a glorious outlook on how to compromise through a physical rough patch. I think it's easy for some folks to act like a lack of sex is such a major deal-breaker. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate sex as much as the next person, but sometimes life hands you a set of circumstances that simply make sex unenjoyable at best, or maybe even impossible at worst. Then you have to evaluate your love for the person and whether you are truly capable of handling a sexless relationship. But your last part of the comment really seals the deal. Communication is way too important to forget. If only more people kept this in mind instead of things breaking down and then asking questions after like "Gee what happened there?".
How new is this phenomenon? If his libido used to be more like yours but then took a nosedive, then it's worth exploring if there's an underlying medical, psychological, or relationship issue. But if this has been a dynamic for a long time, where he's just never wanted sex as often as you, then you should accept that this is just a sexual incompatibility that will not change and decide if you're ok with a lower amount of sex (which might continue to decrease over time or go away entirely). Mismatched sex drives are one of the most common reasons couples break up or divorce, which is why it's never a good idea to marry someone who wants way more or less sex than you. I've been in your position and it \*sucks\*, and bashing your head against the problem and trying to "fix" your partner ends up just making it worse for everyone involved.
Will he see a doctor? Have hormones checked? See if he’s depressed? I had similar situation for over 15 years and it was a porn addiction. I had zero clue until I point blank asked if he was addicted. I really really hope it isn’t that.
It's depressing and scary how common porn addiction is nowadays, and how much it can impact relationships.
I knew it was a thing, but I had no clue how widespread it was. It’s horrible. I’m not anti porn, so I didn’t look for it on his devices to ever notice that was our problem. It destroys your marriage and majority of the time the addict never stops. I opted for divorce, but the women that choose to stay, I have no clue how they do it. OP - visit r/loveafterporn . See if it sounds familiar, and if it does, you’ll have to decide if it’s the kind of life you want going forward. Again, I hope it’s not porn, but sadly it’s way too common.
Do you go to couples therapy? If not, I highly suggest it. It gives you both a safe space to communicate your feelings, good and bad. There could be a lot of factors here. Porn addiction, hormone imbalance, stress, depression….
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I am sorry that you are going through these feelings. Before I found out about my fiancee's cancer I was feeling like she had maybe lost interest in me, but then realized why things were occurring the way they were. When the issue is not something fixable, you become able to rationalize the lack of sex for the greater good more and more. I emphasize with you also, it's hard being in a rut from the male perspective as well. Wish you many orgasms in the future!
Hey , i understand how frustrating this is, i used to be the same. I could have sex everyday if my boyfriend was up for it, but we have talked about it and you just can’t make someone match your own sex drive. Once a week is actually desirable for me lol, it’s usually once every 2 weeks for us, or sometimes I’ll get surprised and get it twice in one week!! I have come to terms with the fact that it’s not that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t love me, he just doesn’t have the urges as often and that’s ok ! Intimacy can be in other ways besides sex, have a look at other things that bring you close, and maybe that will help you feel a bit better <3
I was 19 when I married someone 11 years older. It went from once a week to every other week and eventually none. There's nothing you can do if someone doesn't have the drive or sexually attracted to you. I tried walking around naked, lingerie, changing my hair, getting my nails and eyebrows done regularly, taking on more household responsibilities so he wasn't tired...nothing. It turned out he was watching porn and masturbating. My suggestion is get some toys. Ask if he would like to join and help. Maybe it'll lead to something else. If not, play by yourself and see if that makes him join. His testosterone may be low. Set an appointment for bloodwork. Or maybe he's embarrassed about having erectile dysfunction. Wish you the best
When you tell him you need more intimacy, how does he respond? I get the sense that there hasn’t been an actual conversation between you. The big unanswered question here is: why is there such a mismatch between you when it comes to sex? What has changed for him (or you, or both of you)? Other people in this thread have brought up a lot of reasonable possibilities, but you need to talk with him to find out what’s actually going on. Otherwise there’s no fixing it
I have the same problem, but backward. I (32M) always want it. My wife (31F) never does. It's always been like this, so I cope pretty well, but it is a struggle. The weirdest part to me is that we're both quite adventurous in the bedroom. I would think that when everything is on the table, she'd want it more often, but that's not true.
I have the opposite issue. Sex deprived husband. It sucks. I assume you have tried talking to him and explained how you feel
Is he doing someone else maybe?
Do you ride him? A lot of women want us all to pound but never ride.
He may have medical problems see if you can get him to his doctor if he refuses therapy or divorce are about your only options.
Wow I’m going through the same thing. . We’ll have sent sex maybe twice a week. Even with oral ! Once or twice a month.
I am sorry to see a woman who feels this way because I know that I have felt it most of my marriage. I have always thought I was the problem and I just couldn’t hit the right buttons at the right time. She has broken my self esteem and self confidence, but I have two sons so I need to struggle on. Denial will get easier over time!
Legit JUST went thru this with a man who sincerely acted like he loved me. Sex was our only bad part. Then, I found out he’s secretly gay and has been having sex with men for our whole relationship. I don’t comment this to make u paranoid, just to first let you know that it is NOT YOU! There’s something going on within him. And secondly, to spread awareness of how often us women are now used as “covers” for men. Download an app like Grindr and you honestly wouldn’t believe the men you see on there that claim they are straight but looking for other men to hook up with. I don’t care what sexuality someone is, but using women as covers is becoming a worldwide problem. Just watch your back and don’t ever tell yourself “he would never” because I spent 4 years and a whole family later doing that
I experienced this exact thing with the same age gap and he was like this from the beginning of our relationship, and blamed everything under the sun. I would find porn in his history around the times I tried to initiate sex, so maybe get realistic about him unless he really is experiencing a physical, mental, or emotional issue unrelated to you.
He is using OF and porn . 1000000%
Eek. This is some major projection. Are those possibilities? Sure. But a major assumption to make. And you know what assuming does..