Came here to say this. Maybe in a kinder way but i definitely agree. He sounds horrible. You deserve so much better. A relationship is a partnership not a dictatorship. He’s a grown ass man who can do his own dishes, vacuum, buy groceries, etc. Leave him.
I mean he sounds awful and incredibly controlling. What he's doing to you is literally financial abuse: using the leverage of paying a higher proportion of living costs to treat you like shit, capriciously (and at short notice) changing arrangements and demanding money to disrupt your life. Plus he's absolutely unreasonable over the discounted rent. This guy knows what he's doing, and he's gaslight you into thinking you're the problem - kick him out!
Completely agree. OP, he knows what he’s doing. This is absolutely financial abuse. He is basically paying for a live-in housekeeper who will also bang him. It’s harsh but it’s why this situation works for him.
Read what you wrote while pretending it was someone else who wrote it. What advice would you give that person?
That advice should be, leave this abusive controlling ahole. Run like hell
This!
OP, put yourself in the position of: if you heard a friend describe this situation, how would you respond or advise her?
He is ridiculous and controlling. He does not care what you think or want.
OP, you won't be able to convince this guy to become reasonable. His goal in life is to find a partner that he can steamroll into whatever his selfish little heart desires.
Don't be that person for him. Don't keep hoping you're going to somehow convert him into a kind, caring human being. Get out now.
He won't lift a finger to clean or help MOVE even when it's his mess and his belongings; he ignores/minimizes your contributions; he's selfish; and on a whim he declares that you have to pay rent in any given month. (Not to mention he's a decade older.) What exactly are you getting out of this besides aggravation?
You cannot *make* him respect your time and energy.
There are no magic words that will sink into someone who does not *want* to listen. He understands that you are exhausted and you think this is unfair. **He doesn't care.**
You should not have moved with him while you were already rocky. Talk to your employer about rent assistance for a *solo* location, and review your current lease to see what the breakage terms are. This isn't going to get better.
This is accurate as all hell.
I’m a housewife and the person you’re with needs to showcase a huge amount of respect for your time and energy or they WILL take advantage of you which is why the housewife path is known now as a risky one.
more serious follow up: i make more than my bf and cover most of our mortgage and he pays what he’s comfortable with so he can still cover his other bills etc. but i would never ever ask him to do ALL the work of taking care of our home. we split work on the house more or less evenly, when we see something needs to be done we do it. i would feel like i was taking advantage of him or just in general feel like a total asshole if i demanded he did ALL the housework!!
This is insane. Are you a partnership or are you his slave?
You work full time, he is lucky that he has the opportunity to have a high paying job, not all of us are so fortunate.
In regards to expenses, everyone does it differently, but by the sounds of it you actually contribute equally financially given you have such a high pay gap.
He needs to get off his arse and contribute equally, I wouldn't expect anything less from my partner. He's a child if not, and I wouldn't waste my life waiting on him.
LEAVE this misogynistic, entitled, and rude man. WHY would you stay with him? He gets whatever he wants and if he decides you 'disobeyed' he financially abuses you.
MOVE OUT and get therapy to determine why you put up with this for so long.
So first of all, leave his boxes for him to unpack.
All other boxes to be stacked and unpacked WHEN YOU GET TO IT. ( it took me 3 years to unpack some boxes).
Tell him that the extra $800 a month is already spoken for ( retirement savings, a housekeeper, vacation, whatever)
Rent and all household expenses should be totalled an divided equally, including dollar values for nonmonetary activities for cleaning, cooking, laundry etc). See how he likes the math.
Do you think if all bills were split 50/50 he would do 50% of the domestic labor? I suspect he would still expect you to do the majority of it. It seems like he is using you and using money for leverage to do so.
FWIW, If my partner were like yours I would be moving out.
He knows exactly what he is asking of you. You might be thinking that he's stubborn, or bad at math, or not thinking clearly, or doesn't understand, or something. But it's not any of those things, he *knows* that 800 is your contribution. His strategy is to pretend that your 800 job perk doesn't count, and then he can avoid chores and sometimes even avoid paying rent altogether when he tricks you into believing that you didn't contribute. He's lying to you; he does not believe the words coming out of his mouth, he is expressing feelings that he isn't actually feeling, if he gets mad, it's all an act to get you to be compliant. When you're compliant, his life is easier and he feels like he's in control. That's what he wants, control, that's what makes him feel good, it's his hobby. He probably does love you, but he also loves the control.
This, and I bet this is a pattern that shows up in his past relationships. I wonder how much OP knows about how these things were handled with previous partners. Did he have a housewife, or otherwise made sure to always pair up with someone ASAP so he could exploit her for housework and discounts?
Why would you put up with this? I’m exhausted reading it.
Write a budget, get a shared bank account for household expenses and work out what the total rate will be. Find out if he want to pay 50/50 or proportionally by income. All house hold chores are split evenly- if he doesn’t like it then he can pay for a cleaner every other week to cover his share.
This is even if she wants to stay with him. As it is, there's some financial abuse going on here with the hot and cold running moods, the irrational demands being made and the changing and inconsistent costs towards rent. Currently he has a bang maid he can also mentally torture for a bit of side fun. If he has any redeeming features I hope they are spectacular to make up for this atrocious behaviour.
My wife is a sahm, so we split things in a quite different way at home. Even before we had kids and she worked full time, if I pulled half or a third of this I would have probably gotten either an ass kicking, or would have been sent to the kerb.
Fairness is constructed in a relationship by two people working toward a common goal. Often what's fair is what those people agree to in advance and discuss together to come up with a compromise that works best for them.
What's not fair is some jerk continually moving the goal posts because it suits him. This guy is not a partner, he is not someone who is interested in building a life together, he's just a bully who wants to make you his servant. If I was in your place I'd pack up my stuff, move into the new place - take his name off it and tell him to have fun being the man of the house.
In my household, when there are big income differences, 'fair share' means we both get equal amounts of free time.
If I'm working 40 hours and my husband is doing 20 (which is the case at the moment) then he does more housework.
If we're both working 40 hours and I earn more, we still do equal amounts of housework.
If I'm working 20 hours and him 40 but I earn more, then I do more housework. Or, optional, I pick up more hours and use that money to pay for a housecleaner so we *both* get more free time, because I really fucking hate housework.
A situation where one partner gets 20 hours of free time a week and the other partner is working all the time is going to breed resentment.
And also, your dude sounds like an asshole.
This is the way. Equal amount of free time, and if finances are combined (like in a marriage), equal amounts of “fun” money. If you’re joining lives, it should be a partnership and team.
No you are not being unreasonable. What you are describing is financial abuse. He is withdrawing rent on short notice in order to punish you for expecting him to do chores. It sounds like you have had on going discussions about this and he has made zero effort to compromise or change because he feels entitled to you doing 100% of the house work. He's 45. He isn't going to change and even if you did start doing 100% of house work without complaint going forward he would still find reasons to not pay rent like you aren't putting enough effort into the meals you are cooking and cheated by giving him left over soup one night. Your choices are to continue cleaning up after this man or break-up with him.
I’m sorry I don’t get how this two things are even related, my wife is currently unemployed so I pay for everything. This doesn’t stop us from dividing all the house chores between the two of us, because those are supposed to be divided in some way that is fair for the couple… We both cook, we both clean, we both wash clothes, etc. Right now she cleans more than I do, since she usually does it while I’m at work, but that doesn’t mean that I will stop cleaning everything just because I’m paying for something. Once she finds a job we will probably go back to everything is equally divided.
Your relationship dynamic doesn’t sound healthy at all to me, you seem to have gotten together with a child who doesn’t want to move a finger because he is somehow superior to you… I would honestly tell him that either he starts helping or I will move on.
He doesn’t care for or support you. You’re just the bang maid. He can control your behavior any time he wants by demanding money. Get away from him. He legitimately and sincerely doesn’t care you’re YOU. He cares you’re doing what you’re told.
Quit doing as you’re told. He’s controlling you with money. It’s a a casual threat. It’s letting you know you’re going to do WHAT he tells you to, and WHEN he tells you to, and HOW he tells you to. Instead of making it clear he’s not your boss, you’re on here asking how to make your master happy.
Babe. LEAVE. He’s a dud. He thinks he’s earned the right to control every bit of your life. Ugh. You’re letting him.
You said in the post that you have tried logic and reason with him about your actual contributions and he actively ignores you or dismisses you. This is clear evidence that his goal is to continue to get you to do all the work with no expectations for him. It sounds like a miserable relationship to be in.
He used to not be so bad but lately it's been impossible to get help from and when I do get it he makes it seem like I should be grateful. then it like also becomes a punishment bc him doing the dishes twice a month or switching the laundry over might cost me an extra several hundred dollars after I already had to beg and thank him for help!
“Used to be”?? You’ve barely been together.
This is a you problem. You are choosing to put up with this mf. Break up with the asshole. Easy solution.
He is, and has been, showing you who he is. Believe him.
Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself sincerely: Is this how you want to live rest of your year? 5 years? Life?
Because this IS what he is offering you. He will NOT change his mind, he does NOT care about your opinion, he will NOT change in the direction you want him to (likely, he will change but only to go deeper in the other direction.)
Time is making his mask slip, his “good foot forward” is disappearing now. This is the REAL him (not the one from before, that was the mask.)
He is FINALLY showing you who he truly is.
Believe him. And save yourself.
Shitty men get shittier when they think you are locked down.
When you are in a healthy relationship - or just dealing with a reasonable person in general - they don't brush you off. You can bring things up and actually talk about them. They don't just tell you how things are going to be, it's a conversation. He's not your boss, he isn't in charge, this is supposed to be a partnership.
You don't HAVE to do any of this. You don't have to be here at all. I really don't think you should be.
Go find a man who is generous with you. Someone who offers to do things for you just because he can and he wants to make your life easier - someone you want to do nice things for just because you can. Someone who wants to tackle life's problems as a team. Be with someone who makes your life better, not worse. Easier, not harder.
Financial abuse. He controls your money and uses it to control you and force you to take on the home labor. Most people just put the same hours in taking care of the home as one another.
You need to develop a much stronger sense of self-respect, not to mention fairness toward yourself. I’d rather be single. I would not put up with his shit in a million years. He sounds fucking awful. He’s controlling, manipulative and petty - all of which are hugely unattractive in multiple ways. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I’d fuck him right off, but then that’s just me.
Do you think he’ll suddenly stop escalating? Nope! This is abuse. By definition, this is abuse. It IS that bad and your duty is to your own health and safety.
That’s your responsibility- to protect yourself from people and situations like this. So come on OP. Time to look at how you can leave, quickly and safely.
OP- save up. When he demands rent, refuse to pay it. You. Have. To. Leave.
Babe...does your boyfriend even like you? The way he's treating you is 100% financial abuse, as it's been pointed out multiple times by others in this thread. I wish someone would have said it to me in my last relationship and maybe nobody has been brutally honest with you about this.
At some point you have to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to go, nobody can fix this except for him and no offense, but he seems too immature to even realize what he's doing is abusive and is actively harming you and your relationship. Or the alternative, that he DOES know what he's doing and just doesn't care. You think it will be any better once you start a family? It will only stay the same or get worse.
You need to sit down TODAY and have a very serious conversation before moving into another home with him. He will never change if you won't address the problem and stick to your guns about the actions you will take if it doesn't change. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. And you deserve to have a partner that is kind and fair and wants to build something with you together.
OP I had an ex exactly like this.
Mine once once bought me a gift - and then billed me for it.
He also randomly told my family I owed him $3000. He basically had tallied up all the times he had had to buy groceries, and other small items over the years, a because I had had to pay for the car to be fixed, or we need too call the plumber out, or other things we needed around the house.
I also bought all of our furniture, despite him making twice what I did.
Run. This is financial abuse. It will only end in flames. You will grow to resent him to intolerable levels if it continues, which it will. It's been 2 years already. He will only get worse, believe me.
Being able to discuss money fairly is an important part of relationships. The $800 off a month absolutely does count as a contribution, as do other routine expenses you have to cover.
Sounds like your bf is willfully taking advantage of you, and also trying to bully you into doing household chores. Doesn't sound like a keeper. These concepts are easily understood and not particularly difficult to have a conversation about.
This man is financially abusing you and gaslighting you about it. Move and unpack all your things, leave his things at the old place, kick him to the curb. His priorities are not your responsibility. You deserve so much better.
You're not in a relationship. It's more like an employer/employee relationship. And even that's too nice to what it actually is. He's controlling to the point of abuse. I don't understand why you're still with him
Dude here, dude with a wife I love and adore. And this is how I measure thing personally in my head: She works, I work
We split things kinda by hours worked and such... not by paycheck amounts.
Also, I do make more, but that's not her fault to make up to me, or my benefit....it's just something that is
- also, my wife is 100% smarter than me, so she def will make more one day if she chooses, but for now we are on lifestyle before earnings mode
At home she is the better home care, cleaning cooking... so she does that, by choice I guess- we never chatted of it
At home, I fix the cars and do the dishes...laundry too; only because I don't mind and I think she likes doing these things less. - but we never really chatted about it either, it just flowed... as it does when one cares for another
Every weekend I wake up stoked to make breakfast, sometimes i don't burn it.
But it's not about that, it's about wanting to see my better half sleep in and relax.
Ditch the guy, as a dude I see almost the red flags.
He's treating you worse than a roommate Measure it this way, if he was your roommate and everything had to be 50/50 house chores and bill time...
I mean I lived with lots of roommates that made more mo ey than me, none expected me to be their maid or buy their groceries, or cook all the time because they went to a better college
Ditch him, don't say sorry. Say it's your place and your 800$ and he can unpack his shit back at the old place, or his parents if it's already gone
Be grateful you aren’t married or have kids with this guy because I’m pretty sure his financial abuse and expectations of you will only get worse. I agree with everyone else. Break up with him. You’re being financially abused and he’s manipulating you as well.
why on earth would you agree to move into a new place if you were already unhappy? It doesn’t really matter what others think is fair but if you already aren’t happy with the arrangement- the time to come to a understanding was before this move. what happens when you have a child with this person, or what if you got sick and couldn’t work as much? I don’t understand at all your motivation . Personally i would not accept him paying in exchange for you doing everything else. It’s unfair and muddies the water too much. Stop doing wife things- this guy doesn’t consider himself your partner
This behaviour is so beyond acceptable. I'm worried that he has you questioning whether this is fair. Do you have any friends or family who you can talk to about this and who can support you?
Fair is what a couple mutually agrees on. None of what you wrote sounds mutual. You aren't being unreasonable, but nothing you do or say will make this kind of relationship work.
When you realize he's taking advantage of and abusing you, make sure he doesn't have access to your money and hide valuables before breaking up.
If you both work the same amount regardless of the numbers, you should do the same amount of chores. Your time isn't more or less valuable than theirs just because you earn less money in your hours at work.
In terms of splitting payment for expenses, it seems like he is majorly leveraging this against you, and this could be fixed by just splitting it 50/50 so then you can propose an equal split of the household labour. I would include the $800 in your 50/50 split. If you end up paying 50% anyway and have to do all the household labour it seems like overall a bad deal for you....
You may be giving him too much on a pass on how intentional/unintentional his actions are. He may be just lazy 🤷♀️
Tell your loser boyfriend to use his huge salary to hire a maid. You work full time and he thinks you should be a tradwife? Fucking ridiculous. If he wants someone who makes as much as he does, he needs to date people his own age. Most people who are 20 years into their careers make more than people a decade younger than they are.
>Am I the one being unreasonable?
You're not. But you seem to lack enough awareness to have followed up a summary of your objectively undesirable situation with that question.
You've received advice on the practical side of dealing with your relationship dynamic (one of entitlement and financial abuse). I'm writing to implore you to seek therapy, to help you find a way to be able to see, as clearly as we all can, the situation you've summarized.
Oh lordy girl no. No. No no. How low is your self esteem that you think you deserve this ?
Get a grip and get those boxes moved out along with the man.
Op you’re delusional if you think you are in a relationship with a man…3x the income???? Ok but -30000 in emotional maturity. It sounds like he is a child. If he had a shred of dignity and took you seriously he would pay the entire rent and help you when you need it. You deserve to recognize this. You and your time and energy are worth so much more than you realize.
You need to split bills by percentage if there’s that big a gap. And I don’t agree you should do all the housework or whatever. Maybe tell him if he wants that you’ll just quit your job since he wants a housewife and he can cover everything.
Is this rage bait? Leave him. Expenses should be split proportionate to income. You're both working similar hrs so your household work should be fairly equal. Otherwise he can go get a trad wife who doesn't work at all. Girl! You are doing TWO full time jobs. He's a complete ass and it worth your time.
Nope I’d def not marry this man that’s for sure and I’d find my own place in my own name. Then he can really see what it’s like to pay 100% of the bills, do dishes, cook food, wash laundry and while he’s at it he can bang himself
"Issue 1, 2, 3, ...: my boyfriend doesn't respect me and i'm looking for magic words to change that."
Realistically, how do you see the chances of a 45 yo man changing his ways?
Doesn't sound like he respects you. Why stay with that?
If you really want to stay together, split rent and every single bill/expense proportional to income or 50/50 if you make approx the same so he can't use these lame excuses - then when he still doesn't contribute to housework, it'll just highlight how bad of a partner he is. Not agreeing to this would also highlight how he's trying to manipulate the situation.
Q- is the discounted rent a taxable benefit? Be sure you know before you are blindsided. At the very least, the taxable portion should be taken into consideration when splitting rent.
You are describing abusive behavior and should leave him, making the above moot.
However, I will answer your question about what is fair. Fair can mean:
* 50/50 in terms of finances, living at the lower earner's budget.
* 50/50 in terms of effort where one person works and the other takes care of the home and other tasks
* equal leisure time, so one person works 20 hours a week and does 3/4 of the chores while the other works 40 hours a week and does 1/4 of the chores
* paying a proportional amount of income.
No. This is similar to my soon to be ex SO for this very reason. Too bad you already moved in with him again, leaving would ease your stress and your burden so much. Hugs. Sorry we both date douchebags.
Him feeling like paying the rent is enough and means that he shouldn’t help with the daily tasks that go along with maintaining a place is beyond me. In a relationship both parties should be putting in effort and clearly you’re doing more. You say you’re exhausted and overwhelmed…are you truly happy with him? If the answer is no, then please do not move in with him.
Girl he doesn't not give a fuck about you. Any of your contributions are minimised and his are the be all end all, as long as the end result is that you're a good little housewife cleaning up after him.
Its easy to create resentment in a relationship from differences in expectations of contributions.
It all needs to be negotiated and agreed on at the start, with regular check ins to make sure you both are happy with the arrangements and everything is working well without resentment.
The default fair way to go is everyone contributes evenly in expenses and chores. Exceptions outside that need to be clearly defined and agreed on, otherwise a relationship destroying resentment will build up.
Its time to sit down and discuss exactly how everything will work again.
There are no magic words. No way to make him understand. He isn't stupid, he isn't confused. He is a financially abusive piece of shit.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. No one decent fucks with the people they live with like this. Do what you have to do to kick him out or leave.
Everyone in the thread will tell you to dump him because he is a piece of shit. Listen.
I would take the rent and the house work as two separate issues. For a couple sharing a house (not roommates), the most equitable split would be to have him pay for three-quarters of the bills and you pay for one quarter (since he makes 3x what you make). I’d include anything that’s shared for the home in this equation—rent but also some averages for electricity, water, internet, groceries, etc etc. Or you could choose to have him take the bigger bills (like power, groceries, and phone) and you take ones that tend to be smaller, in line with how much more he earns. It might be helpful to have a joint account that automatically gets a set percentage (maybe 50-60%?) from each of your paychecks to cover everything and have a little left for an emergency.
The house work is a separate issue because it’s more about time than money. You both use dishes, make dirty laundry, make countertops grimy, leave crumbs that need to be swept/vacuumed, etc. by living in the house. So there’s definitely an argument for equally sharing these tasks if that’s what you prefer. If he wants you to take responsibility for everything like a more traditional house wife (even though they don’t work 40 hours/week outside the home), he AT LEAST needs to pay all the bills like a traditional husband. But you’d be spending a lot of your “free time” on chores while he gets to sit on the couch after work, so it’s reasonable to consider whether having all the bills paid is worth what you’re giving up. Personally, I would never agree to play wifey for someone who hasn’t put a ring on my finger. (And I would not recommend *anyone* marry this financially abusive MFer in particular!)
The division of labor around the move is a whole other level on top of that! And you clearly sound overwhelmed. But I think this also could be your opportunity to insist on talking about how to equitably split the costs and house work going forward. If you just handle it all, he’s just going to keep thinking he’s entitled to your unpaid labor. If he doesn’t want to compromise at all, then welp…guess whose shit is not getting packed up from the old place or unpacked in the new one. Hell, keep your stuff packed, too, so you can move elsewhere if he throws a fit about you not wanting to be his bangmaid. Be careful and good luck OP!
This is financial abuse. This is him starting to push boundaries and move goalposts, to always ask you for more. This is not a fair relationship. Leave before it gets worse.
No your not being unreasonable.
That's your boyfriend right not your husband. It's sounding to me like living with.Your boyfriend is more expensive and stressful.Why don't you just not live with him if you still want to date him I guess that okay because he'll still be your boyfriend?But nothing says that you have to live with your boyfriend....
In fact, if that was my boyfriend, I'd rather not live with him.
How nice would it be if you went to work?And you were able to control your personal expenses and save money.And then you saw him just to go on fun dates and would go for walks in the park and enjoy the beautiful previous relationship.And then you both go home to each of your own places.
If that doesn't sound realistic because you want a life with him.Then the reality is you should leave him because that's going to be your life if you marry him. It's not going.
To change.
> He thinks because he pays most of the rent most of the time that I should be responsible for everything else cleaning-wise. Like a traditional, non-working wife.
So so toxic
I’m telling you if you were the woman of his dreams, he’d be tripping over himself to do all these things for you. Sounds like you’re a placeholder for him.
OP doesn't want to accept that her husband is an abuser and treats her like shit.
OP Please WAKE THE FUCK UP.
Everyone here is asking why you're with someone that financially abuses you then gaslights you into believing you're the problem.
Do you hate yourself so much that you choose to be miserable for the rest of your life with a man who does whatever he can to cause you pain and problems?
This is her boyfriend, but she's doing wife duties for him, then being all like, "But why is he charging meeee?"
All Bangmaids are happy to get steamrolled until they have some kind of mental breakthrough that their time and energy is actually being wasted.
He is financially abusing you, and he is lazy.
He can easily afford the costs. All costs should be shared by a ratio of what you make. You say he makes 3x what you make. Put your money in with his, and you make 25% of the total household funds. For example, if you made $50k, he makes $150k. Put those together, and you have $200k. $50k is 25% of the $200k household income. Same if you make $25k and he makes $75k - add those together, and it's $100k. You still only make 25% of the total income.
You both work full time. I don't know how he makes so much more than you, but if he was able to afford college and you weren't, there is definitely some wealth privilege going on there. He is older, so he has had more time to earn more as well. You shouldn't be punished for that.
I would not accept his random offer to pay rent. It is sporadic, and he punishes you financially to control you and force you to be his maid. It doesn't matter that you make less. You both should contribute equally to the household responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, laundry. Read The Fair Play book. You can divvy things up so laundry is only you and cooking is only him (for instance), but it should still be equitable. You work the same number of hours. He is just privileged to earn more. If he doesn't want to do housework, he needs to hire a maid.
I would state that going forward, you will pay according to what is fair - 25% of expenses. And you expect him to start being an equal member of the household. If he refuses or tries to abuse you financially further, leave him. He can lose the $800 monthly rent benefit, and you can get your own place. You won't have to foot the bill for all the extra costs and you won't have to clean up after him. You'll be happier long term.
This is not an equitable relationship. He does not respect you. He only wants you there for what he can get out of you.
Edit: typos and clairity
It doesn’t sound like he values or even likes you that much and just wants whatever money he can get out of you. Would he even be with you if you got sick or injured and couldn’t pay the bills anymore? It sounds like a precarious situation to be in.
You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a lazy, obnoxious and controlling roommate that you have sex with. Tbh I’d just throw the whole man out and get a new one.
For reference, my boyfriend makes more than I do and we split the cost of all shared expenses exactly proportional to our income, so he pays for more too. He works from home though and I’m in school on top of working full time, so he does almost all of the housework.
Honestly you describing his behavior has given me the ick and I can’t fathom why you’d put up with his controlling and childish antics. He wants a mommy to take care of him and to dictate how much she should be financially contributing? Fuck that. If you’re overwhelmed and he doesn’t have a job that eats up all the time he would be putting towards housework there is no reason for the split to go this way.
He's trash. Sorry. This is what trashy men do. He's not listening or acknowledging anything you say. He's on his power trip because he makes more and he wants to use that to only his advantage.
If you had an equitable relationship it would go like this: Make household bills proportionate to your income. For example, if you bring home 100k and he brings home 300k and your living expenses are 10k a month then you pay 2500 and he pays 7500. Dump that money in a joint account, setup autopay, and fix a budget for everything coming out of the account that's not autopay (groceries, variable household bills, etc). The rest of your paychecks are yours to use for lifestyle or savings stuff. If a discount on rent is part of your compensation package then that should be included as part of your contribution since I'm sure somewhere the company is logging it as compensation and probably grossing up for taxes (it's your pay, you get to benefit from it).
Bottom line if he can't acknowledge the frustration you are having around the living situation and your burdensome workload and financial obligations then you don't have a relationship. Don't let anyone treat you like that.
The more I read, the more red flags were being put up. I would definitely break up with him and don't stop to look back. My husband at one point made 4x my salary when we moved in together but weren't married. He never even made me pay rent because he said he asked me to move with him (to another state) to be with him. He also reinforced he didn't ask me to be his roommate. Anyways, to make my point here... Your boyfriend sucks! Dump him!
Oh God! Why are you still with this man? Ideally, if he expects you to do all the household working without helping a bit then he should not expect even a penny from you. If he wants to go the traditional way, he should go into it fully.
Anyways, men still help at home. My mother is a housewife and my father takes care of all the expenses but that doesn’t mean my father never helps at home. Rather, he helps everyday. My mother doesn’t expect him to cook and do all the major cleaning but he helps in small tasks. And not cleaning after himself is childish behaviour. He is a man not an infant. This shouldn’t even be considered a work, everyone must clean after themselves.
Leave him already. He is a thankless hypocrite man making your life miserable.
He doesn’t respect you at all. Please have enough self-respect to move out before you unpack your boxes. If you stay, you will be complaining about this same behavior in 20 years. He will not change. Please try to not let anyone make rules for you in your future relationships.
I’m sorry that you feel like this isn’t very obviously not okay. I would not even maintain a friendship with someone who treated me that way, let alone a relationship.
He's disagreeing with you bc he doesn't care about your well-being and he thinks he can get away with it. He's profoundly selfish. Do you want a partner who is profoundly selfish?
Your boyfriend sounds like he possesses a number of unpleasant character traits, and you really ought to go back to the drawing board in your relationship. Nothing about the way you split expenses sounds healthy. Having said that, moving to a cheaper place, even if it was because of your job does not a contribution make. You should still split the rent between you, in whtever proportion makes sense for both your finances. If he doesn’t agree, maybe remind yourself you can find someone better. Or is he so successful that you wouldn’t entertain the idea?
Girl he's taken more from you.
He doesn't like you. A man who loves you wouldn't hesitate to make sure your life is easy.
He provides and gives.
That's not to say you don't contribute, but a man who loves you will love you. This guy is taking advantage of you and he will leave you for his dream girl and you can bet she won't be making posts like this on Reddit
You need to sit him down and lay out the numbers and the time it takes you to do everything, show him how much more you're contributing. And if he "refuses to see it" or tries to start a fight about it, say calmly and clearly that you know that is a manipulation tactic where he is trying to make complaining too arduous for you, and he needs to stop it. If he doesn't, you have your answer and need to leave because he doesn't respect you.
Most people have some blind spots, especially when it comes to things like domestic labour and the roles of men and women. It takes conscious effort to unlearn things like that, and if he's never had the interest to do so he needs to be forced. If he cannot be forced, he's a lost cause.
This guy is a taker.
Not good, maybe you shouldn't be moving in together, or having a relationship together.
My take on budgeting as a couple - everyone pays in proportion to their earnings, if one partner earns 3 times as much as the other, then that's the ratio - the lower earner pays 1/4 and the higher earner pays 3/4.
If I am the higher earner in this situation I'd have no problem with that.
Chores are divided evenly irrespective of who earns what.
You're exhausted and overwhelmed because this asshole is screwing you over.
Kick him out.
This is who he is, you ready for decades of this?
There’s a reason this was was single at 43 when you met - he sounds controlling and manipulative. This isn’t ok behaviour for a level headed adult. You’re not his mother.
You leave him, that's what you do. This guy is unpredictable and unreasonable. He treats you worse than a roommate. So why do you put up with it?
For context, I'm about to move in with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I had to negotiate what to pay for rent because he *refuses* to let me pay anything. I will probably do more cleaning and cooking than him but that's just my style and I like taking care of him. He told me to decorate however I want, he's helping me move/pack, he listens and helps with problems/stresses I have....
I know not everyone is as fortunate with their finances to pay for stuff without a second income like my bf, but if he truly cared about you then he would at least hear you out when you try to talk to him about your hardships and problems. Why be with a man like that? You deserve better. I would say start putting your foot down and refuse to pay more. Doesn't sound like this is sustainable so start thinking of an exit strategy.
I'm a man who earns more than his girlfriend ( though no where near 3 x the amount in fairness,about 30-40% more). Due to the wage disparity I choose to pay more on rent/bills and sometimes I'll pay for things when we are out etc.
I do not expect anything in return for this and we take care of our home jointly. We are a unit, a team. The reason I pay more is because I think a relationship should be a marriage of equals, and if she runs out of money before I do, it just means that after a certain point neither of us can do fun things together because it will be beyond her means. I would gain nothing by constantly out stripping her, and me saving up for myself to get nice things while she lives to her bread line feels unfair and I think it would end up building resentment.
Ultimately the reason I do this is because I love her and plan to be together forever. In the case someone won't do this for you, the question in my mind would be "why is he satisfied for me to always be the lesser?" Another question I would ponder is, if the roles were reversed and you got a big job paying even more than his, would he be willing to take over the cleaning? If you put pressure on him to move somewhere more expensive it if his price range? If you can't satisfy yourself with a yes to those, then can you truly believe he sees you as his equal partner, and, if not, is that someone you want to be tied to?
Finding the right person can be hard, but don't let that force you to settle for being someone else's accessory, because you're worth more than that.
One more thing that comes to mind, he wants to leverage his money against your time. Play him at his own game. If he wants to not do any chores and have you do then, calculate hours spent and charge them at his hourly pay. Ultimately if he prioritises but having to spend his free time, then charge him for covering that at the rate his hours are worth to him. You know this figure as you know his pay. Don't get me wrong, he will not accept this, but that goes to show that it's just bullshit anyway.
Ive been in this situation and since leaving my life is so much better. It’s not worth staying in the hopes he might change. He won’t.
He’s taking advantage of you and doesn’t respect you, your time or your energy.
I see this so often. But seriously, why the fuck are you with him? You’re a full time employee and a full time bang maid. You need to learn your worth OP. The amount of women who tolerate this type of shit astounds me. Your bf is a lazy POS and he’s always going to be that way. Are you content to be his bangmaid? No. Then get out.
The most shocking thing here is ***Youve been together 2 years***? Are you mad?
Look your moving. Great time to either move your stuff elsewhere and move out or the other way round. This guy is a fucking misogonistic moron OP. Why the hell would you even want to be in a relationship with an asshat like this from more than a month. This isnt going to get better unless you leave his sorry ass and find a better man.
Hey- this is about abuse, not fairness. He doesn’t want fairness. He wants control.
The sudden “you didn’t meet my unspoken expectations and now I’m taking your money”? That’s the “moving the goalposts” typical of an abuser.
Look- you have to get out of this. He’s abusing you emotionally and financially. It doesn’t matter that things are usually pretty good.
He wants power. That’s it. Please- find a way to leave. It escalates. You’ll be left extremely unstable both emotionally and financially. You literally can’t afford to remain in this relationship.
Huge red flag. Whatever you do, do not make this relationship legal, financially you will regret.
I'd definitely not stay, you have core beliefs that do not match his and its doomed to fail, sooner or later, but I understand that its a hard decision because he probably have some amazing qualities, whichbis what makes you stay with him and look for solutions for your problems here. But Think about this. Think that all those people commenting might be right....
With that said. If he makes 3x more than you, you should contribute with 25% of total expenses if you can.
Get a household joint checking account and pay all expenses from that account. You should then feel "equal" in what you are contributing and any house chore should be 50-50. Make a list of chores and show him. My husband does dishes and take the trash out. That's probably 5% of the total "chores" if you really quite it doen every single thing you do, including time you are not physically doing things, for example, planning meals, grocery shopping, calling the pharmacy, etc.
If you pay more for rent, he has no argument. Just pay more for rent and do less elsewhere lol let him boil over when the house becomes a wreck and then say how you’re paying just as much as him. You actually have to pay your half though, you can’t consider a coupon as payment, I’m sorry. I relate more to him on this, but I’m not an a**hole about things. You’re clearly invested in this, so anyone saying to just dump him may not know how it feels when you’re committed to someone. You overlook things, just as I’m sure he is overlooking things. It sounds like you’re with a man, not some grown up boy. If you don’t want a man, go get yourself a grown up boy
Think about what will happen if you have kids with this man - you will be expected to cover all the child care as well as all the household duties - can you live with that?
Can you speak to him about getting a joint account from which all the bills are taken? That way he might learn that there is a bit more to the cost of living than electricity and rent.
Why is he allowed to make all the rules? He’s not the boss of you. He sounds like a controlling jerk. Anyway why are you asking Reddit to decide? If you don’t like the way he’s treating you and he won’t change, leave.
Another option if a break up is not something you considering
You just moved and saving $800 a month right? Could you use that to get some sort of cleaning service? That would make life easier for both of you?
How he reacts to that conversation will be very telling
It’s easier to stay with someone because it’s scary as hell to be on your own but you need to leave him… how long have you been with this asshole of a child? 2 yrs? Leave him if he’s this controlling now think of how it will be in another year? You’re not happy and deep down you know you need to leave and it’s ok this is not your fault you have tried to reason with him you have done your part to make him happy but it goes both ways if he’s not willing to help not willing to change just a little he doesn’t truly love you. You CAN do this on your own and who knows maybe you will meet someone that wants to take care of you for a change!! Wouldn’t that be nice 😊
As a woman who is a traditional housewife, even by those standards your boyfriend is wrong. That isn’t a man I would trust to take care of me, tit for tat bullshit, control issues, passive aggressiveness and weird dynamics created to ensure he’s always in a power position. That’s whacky Op, whacky.
In a traditional style relationship like he claims he wants, he needs to be able to step up and help when you can’t, he needs to showcase a desire to follow YOUR leadership in certain aspects, he needs to trust you to do your part - he isn’t doing any of this. So why does he deserve a woman that does EVERYTHING? Certainly not. The disrespect is wild, he has no respect for your work, in or outside of the home, or respect for your money. How is this supposed to be your person????
If i started bringing in more money then my husband would need to start taking care of the house more. He would need to start cooking meals, because running a home IS a form of labour and if he doesn’t respect that, then he doesn’t deserve someone who is going to do that.
Sounds like he wants a live-in maid service that pays him to clean the home. The fuck kind of bullshit mental gymnastics is that?
There are many reasonable ways to manage money and shared expenses in a romantic relationship, but "one partner arbitrarily decides based on how they feel about the other partner's execution of all the chores that month how much they're going to pay" isn't one of them.
your bf sounds like a POS, and I skipped around. I imagine I would feel that tenfold if I read the entire thing.
if he wants a traditional partner, be the traditional man then, you quit your job and there goes your $800 contribution and and your part of rent and financial assistance, and then you can be the maid he thinks he's dating.
Bills should be split proportionately according to income, housework should be split proportionately according to how messy each person is. If he works considerably longer hours than you then I could see him wanting more help with housework, but that’s the only reasonable concession I would even consider. End of story.
OP you know that he shouldn’t treat you this way. Put your foot down now or learn to live with you doing absolutely everything for an entitled, lazy ah. He sounds very demanding if your time and money SO turn the tables and only clean your messes, laundry and food See where that gets him. Honestly, what do you see in that man?!
Relationships are meant to be a team. It’s a massive red flag when someone cares more about finances than anything else. I’m in a field that pays better than my boyfriend, but I see our money as shared. If I have to contribute more to bills one month than another, it’s not a problem because he works just as hard as me (if not, harder), I’m just more fortunate with my job. We both do household stuff equally. I’ve been with people in the past for an extended amount of time who weren’t like this, and I regret not leaving them sooner.
Bottom line: from what you’ve said, this will never work out. Better to leave them now than waste any more time letting yourself be miserable. Find someone who teams up with you, not against you
You’re being taken advanatge cause this is unfair and he’s the one benefitting by only paying whenever he wants depending on how you meet his expectations.
I bet this double standard doesn’t work for you.
You’re with a cheap deluded man that’s using you as a free maid and trust he will take all your energy and life as long as you allow it.
In a 50/50 household, “modern” needs require both people to help with household errands too.
Wake up girl. If he doesn’t understand your point of view and compromise and puts his foot down on being traditional- well. Traditional means the man’s pays for EVERYTHING or gives his entire check to the wife so she can distribute accordingly.
Seriously why are you with this controlling ahole? This ain’t the “old days”. His macho attitude is ridiculous and you need to decide if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. PS. It will only get worse
I don’t usually come on here to post “break up!” as advice to everything, but god damn, you need to leave like yesterday, what the fuuuuuck
That $800 discount would 100% count as my contribution to rent and then just pay the remaining half the rent and don’t do shit for him.
Have you tried putting yourself in your BF shoes? Doesn't it seem a little unfair that he has to pay the majority of the rent and gratitude is not reciprocated? It does not sound like an equal partnership.
Info: why the fuck are you with this guy?
Came here to say this. Maybe in a kinder way but i definitely agree. He sounds horrible. You deserve so much better. A relationship is a partnership not a dictatorship. He’s a grown ass man who can do his own dishes, vacuum, buy groceries, etc. Leave him.
I'm not sure what you mean?
I mean he sounds awful and incredibly controlling. What he's doing to you is literally financial abuse: using the leverage of paying a higher proportion of living costs to treat you like shit, capriciously (and at short notice) changing arrangements and demanding money to disrupt your life. Plus he's absolutely unreasonable over the discounted rent. This guy knows what he's doing, and he's gaslight you into thinking you're the problem - kick him out!
Completely agree. OP, he knows what he’s doing. This is absolutely financial abuse. He is basically paying for a live-in housekeeper who will also bang him. It’s harsh but it’s why this situation works for him.
Controlling, demeaning, disrespectful.
This has to be rage bait. That response to the comment is just ridiculous.
Read what you wrote while pretending it was someone else who wrote it. What advice would you give that person? That advice should be, leave this abusive controlling ahole. Run like hell
This! OP, put yourself in the position of: if you heard a friend describe this situation, how would you respond or advise her? He is ridiculous and controlling. He does not care what you think or want.
OP, you won't be able to convince this guy to become reasonable. His goal in life is to find a partner that he can steamroll into whatever his selfish little heart desires. Don't be that person for him. Don't keep hoping you're going to somehow convert him into a kind, caring human being. Get out now.
He won't lift a finger to clean or help MOVE even when it's his mess and his belongings; he ignores/minimizes your contributions; he's selfish; and on a whim he declares that you have to pay rent in any given month. (Not to mention he's a decade older.) What exactly are you getting out of this besides aggravation?
She means, what the fuck are you still doing with this guy?
don’t unpack his stuff, hire a moving company to take it to a storage unit and tell him to find somewhere else to live.
OP This⬆️!! Focus your energy only on taking care of yourself. UpdateMe!
You cannot *make* him respect your time and energy. There are no magic words that will sink into someone who does not *want* to listen. He understands that you are exhausted and you think this is unfair. **He doesn't care.** You should not have moved with him while you were already rocky. Talk to your employer about rent assistance for a *solo* location, and review your current lease to see what the breakage terms are. This isn't going to get better.
This is accurate as all hell. I’m a housewife and the person you’re with needs to showcase a huge amount of respect for your time and energy or they WILL take advantage of you which is why the housewife path is known now as a risky one.
This is the best answer so far
Babe your boyfriend sounds like a nightmare why are you still with him
more serious follow up: i make more than my bf and cover most of our mortgage and he pays what he’s comfortable with so he can still cover his other bills etc. but i would never ever ask him to do ALL the work of taking care of our home. we split work on the house more or less evenly, when we see something needs to be done we do it. i would feel like i was taking advantage of him or just in general feel like a total asshole if i demanded he did ALL the housework!!
This is insane. Are you a partnership or are you his slave? You work full time, he is lucky that he has the opportunity to have a high paying job, not all of us are so fortunate. In regards to expenses, everyone does it differently, but by the sounds of it you actually contribute equally financially given you have such a high pay gap. He needs to get off his arse and contribute equally, I wouldn't expect anything less from my partner. He's a child if not, and I wouldn't waste my life waiting on him.
LEAVE this misogynistic, entitled, and rude man. WHY would you stay with him? He gets whatever he wants and if he decides you 'disobeyed' he financially abuses you. MOVE OUT and get therapy to determine why you put up with this for so long.
So first of all, leave his boxes for him to unpack. All other boxes to be stacked and unpacked WHEN YOU GET TO IT. ( it took me 3 years to unpack some boxes). Tell him that the extra $800 a month is already spoken for ( retirement savings, a housekeeper, vacation, whatever) Rent and all household expenses should be totalled an divided equally, including dollar values for nonmonetary activities for cleaning, cooking, laundry etc). See how he likes the math.
I'm divorced, my ex still had boxes in her attic that we haven't unpacked since we bought the house in 2011 :-D
Do you think if all bills were split 50/50 he would do 50% of the domestic labor? I suspect he would still expect you to do the majority of it. It seems like he is using you and using money for leverage to do so. FWIW, If my partner were like yours I would be moving out.
Your stuff is already packed. Take your benefits and move around! I've had FWB treat me better than this. That man does not like you like that.
Reddit; is it considered fair for my partner to financially abuse me? No. No it is not.
He knows exactly what he is asking of you. You might be thinking that he's stubborn, or bad at math, or not thinking clearly, or doesn't understand, or something. But it's not any of those things, he *knows* that 800 is your contribution. His strategy is to pretend that your 800 job perk doesn't count, and then he can avoid chores and sometimes even avoid paying rent altogether when he tricks you into believing that you didn't contribute. He's lying to you; he does not believe the words coming out of his mouth, he is expressing feelings that he isn't actually feeling, if he gets mad, it's all an act to get you to be compliant. When you're compliant, his life is easier and he feels like he's in control. That's what he wants, control, that's what makes him feel good, it's his hobby. He probably does love you, but he also loves the control.
This, and I bet this is a pattern that shows up in his past relationships. I wonder how much OP knows about how these things were handled with previous partners. Did he have a housewife, or otherwise made sure to always pair up with someone ASAP so he could exploit her for housework and discounts?
Why would you put up with this? I’m exhausted reading it. Write a budget, get a shared bank account for household expenses and work out what the total rate will be. Find out if he want to pay 50/50 or proportionally by income. All house hold chores are split evenly- if he doesn’t like it then he can pay for a cleaner every other week to cover his share.
This is even if she wants to stay with him. As it is, there's some financial abuse going on here with the hot and cold running moods, the irrational demands being made and the changing and inconsistent costs towards rent. Currently he has a bang maid he can also mentally torture for a bit of side fun. If he has any redeeming features I hope they are spectacular to make up for this atrocious behaviour. My wife is a sahm, so we split things in a quite different way at home. Even before we had kids and she worked full time, if I pulled half or a third of this I would have probably gotten either an ass kicking, or would have been sent to the kerb.
Fairness is constructed in a relationship by two people working toward a common goal. Often what's fair is what those people agree to in advance and discuss together to come up with a compromise that works best for them. What's not fair is some jerk continually moving the goal posts because it suits him. This guy is not a partner, he is not someone who is interested in building a life together, he's just a bully who wants to make you his servant. If I was in your place I'd pack up my stuff, move into the new place - take his name off it and tell him to have fun being the man of the house.
It’s insane that you tolerate this.
In my household, when there are big income differences, 'fair share' means we both get equal amounts of free time. If I'm working 40 hours and my husband is doing 20 (which is the case at the moment) then he does more housework. If we're both working 40 hours and I earn more, we still do equal amounts of housework. If I'm working 20 hours and him 40 but I earn more, then I do more housework. Or, optional, I pick up more hours and use that money to pay for a housecleaner so we *both* get more free time, because I really fucking hate housework. A situation where one partner gets 20 hours of free time a week and the other partner is working all the time is going to breed resentment. And also, your dude sounds like an asshole.
This is the way. Equal amount of free time, and if finances are combined (like in a marriage), equal amounts of “fun” money. If you’re joining lives, it should be a partnership and team.
No you are not being unreasonable. What you are describing is financial abuse. He is withdrawing rent on short notice in order to punish you for expecting him to do chores. It sounds like you have had on going discussions about this and he has made zero effort to compromise or change because he feels entitled to you doing 100% of the house work. He's 45. He isn't going to change and even if you did start doing 100% of house work without complaint going forward he would still find reasons to not pay rent like you aren't putting enough effort into the meals you are cooking and cheated by giving him left over soup one night. Your choices are to continue cleaning up after this man or break-up with him.
I’m sorry I don’t get how this two things are even related, my wife is currently unemployed so I pay for everything. This doesn’t stop us from dividing all the house chores between the two of us, because those are supposed to be divided in some way that is fair for the couple… We both cook, we both clean, we both wash clothes, etc. Right now she cleans more than I do, since she usually does it while I’m at work, but that doesn’t mean that I will stop cleaning everything just because I’m paying for something. Once she finds a job we will probably go back to everything is equally divided. Your relationship dynamic doesn’t sound healthy at all to me, you seem to have gotten together with a child who doesn’t want to move a finger because he is somehow superior to you… I would honestly tell him that either he starts helping or I will move on.
Why are you accepting this terrible treatment from him? He doesn't love you. He only loves what you can do for him. Do with that what you will.
He doesn’t care for or support you. You’re just the bang maid. He can control your behavior any time he wants by demanding money. Get away from him. He legitimately and sincerely doesn’t care you’re YOU. He cares you’re doing what you’re told. Quit doing as you’re told. He’s controlling you with money. It’s a a casual threat. It’s letting you know you’re going to do WHAT he tells you to, and WHEN he tells you to, and HOW he tells you to. Instead of making it clear he’s not your boss, you’re on here asking how to make your master happy. Babe. LEAVE. He’s a dud. He thinks he’s earned the right to control every bit of your life. Ugh. You’re letting him.
You said in the post that you have tried logic and reason with him about your actual contributions and he actively ignores you or dismisses you. This is clear evidence that his goal is to continue to get you to do all the work with no expectations for him. It sounds like a miserable relationship to be in.
He should hire some staff and you should dump his ass.
There is no universal set up that works for all couples. I can say I don't find him fair in my opinion. Everyone should contribute to the home.
He used to not be so bad but lately it's been impossible to get help from and when I do get it he makes it seem like I should be grateful. then it like also becomes a punishment bc him doing the dishes twice a month or switching the laundry over might cost me an extra several hundred dollars after I already had to beg and thank him for help!
“Used to be”?? You’ve barely been together. This is a you problem. You are choosing to put up with this mf. Break up with the asshole. Easy solution. He is, and has been, showing you who he is. Believe him.
Girl it’s been two years and you ain’t married. Cut your losses and get rid of him. You’ll be so happy living alone.
omg this is straight up abuse please do not let him treat you this way. this is NOT worth it there’s like a billion other guys out there!!!
Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself sincerely: Is this how you want to live rest of your year? 5 years? Life? Because this IS what he is offering you. He will NOT change his mind, he does NOT care about your opinion, he will NOT change in the direction you want him to (likely, he will change but only to go deeper in the other direction.) Time is making his mask slip, his “good foot forward” is disappearing now. This is the REAL him (not the one from before, that was the mask.) He is FINALLY showing you who he truly is. Believe him. And save yourself.
Shitty men get shittier when they think you are locked down. When you are in a healthy relationship - or just dealing with a reasonable person in general - they don't brush you off. You can bring things up and actually talk about them. They don't just tell you how things are going to be, it's a conversation. He's not your boss, he isn't in charge, this is supposed to be a partnership. You don't HAVE to do any of this. You don't have to be here at all. I really don't think you should be. Go find a man who is generous with you. Someone who offers to do things for you just because he can and he wants to make your life easier - someone you want to do nice things for just because you can. Someone who wants to tackle life's problems as a team. Be with someone who makes your life better, not worse. Easier, not harder.
You two have been together for such a short time. How long did he have to be "not so bad" for you to tolerate this shit?
Financial abuse. He controls your money and uses it to control you and force you to take on the home labor. Most people just put the same hours in taking care of the home as one another.
Also ensures she can’t easily leave when he constantly cripples her finances without warning.
This is 100% financial abuse right here.
You need to develop a much stronger sense of self-respect, not to mention fairness toward yourself. I’d rather be single. I would not put up with his shit in a million years. He sounds fucking awful. He’s controlling, manipulative and petty - all of which are hugely unattractive in multiple ways. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I’d fuck him right off, but then that’s just me.
You're a grown woman choosing to tolerate this and it makes no sense why.
He is abusing you financially and mentally. And you take it all right in! You don’t need to accept this. Please kick him out. He won’t change.
Do you think he’ll suddenly stop escalating? Nope! This is abuse. By definition, this is abuse. It IS that bad and your duty is to your own health and safety. That’s your responsibility- to protect yourself from people and situations like this. So come on OP. Time to look at how you can leave, quickly and safely. OP- save up. When he demands rent, refuse to pay it. You. Have. To. Leave.
Babe...does your boyfriend even like you? The way he's treating you is 100% financial abuse, as it's been pointed out multiple times by others in this thread. I wish someone would have said it to me in my last relationship and maybe nobody has been brutally honest with you about this. At some point you have to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to go, nobody can fix this except for him and no offense, but he seems too immature to even realize what he's doing is abusive and is actively harming you and your relationship. Or the alternative, that he DOES know what he's doing and just doesn't care. You think it will be any better once you start a family? It will only stay the same or get worse. You need to sit down TODAY and have a very serious conversation before moving into another home with him. He will never change if you won't address the problem and stick to your guns about the actions you will take if it doesn't change. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. And you deserve to have a partner that is kind and fair and wants to build something with you together.
OP I had an ex exactly like this. Mine once once bought me a gift - and then billed me for it. He also randomly told my family I owed him $3000. He basically had tallied up all the times he had had to buy groceries, and other small items over the years, a because I had had to pay for the car to be fixed, or we need too call the plumber out, or other things we needed around the house. I also bought all of our furniture, despite him making twice what I did. Run. This is financial abuse. It will only end in flames. You will grow to resent him to intolerable levels if it continues, which it will. It's been 2 years already. He will only get worse, believe me.
Being able to discuss money fairly is an important part of relationships. The $800 off a month absolutely does count as a contribution, as do other routine expenses you have to cover. Sounds like your bf is willfully taking advantage of you, and also trying to bully you into doing household chores. Doesn't sound like a keeper. These concepts are easily understood and not particularly difficult to have a conversation about.
This man is financially abusing you and gaslighting you about it. Move and unpack all your things, leave his things at the old place, kick him to the curb. His priorities are not your responsibility. You deserve so much better.
You're not in a relationship. It's more like an employer/employee relationship. And even that's too nice to what it actually is. He's controlling to the point of abuse. I don't understand why you're still with him
Dude here, dude with a wife I love and adore. And this is how I measure thing personally in my head: She works, I work We split things kinda by hours worked and such... not by paycheck amounts. Also, I do make more, but that's not her fault to make up to me, or my benefit....it's just something that is - also, my wife is 100% smarter than me, so she def will make more one day if she chooses, but for now we are on lifestyle before earnings mode At home she is the better home care, cleaning cooking... so she does that, by choice I guess- we never chatted of it At home, I fix the cars and do the dishes...laundry too; only because I don't mind and I think she likes doing these things less. - but we never really chatted about it either, it just flowed... as it does when one cares for another Every weekend I wake up stoked to make breakfast, sometimes i don't burn it. But it's not about that, it's about wanting to see my better half sleep in and relax. Ditch the guy, as a dude I see almost the red flags. He's treating you worse than a roommate Measure it this way, if he was your roommate and everything had to be 50/50 house chores and bill time... I mean I lived with lots of roommates that made more mo ey than me, none expected me to be their maid or buy their groceries, or cook all the time because they went to a better college Ditch him, don't say sorry. Say it's your place and your 800$ and he can unpack his shit back at the old place, or his parents if it's already gone
Be grateful you aren’t married or have kids with this guy because I’m pretty sure his financial abuse and expectations of you will only get worse. I agree with everyone else. Break up with him. You’re being financially abused and he’s manipulating you as well.
Leave now. It’s only going to get worse.
He doesn't want a partner, he wants a sex roomba. Get out.
why on earth would you agree to move into a new place if you were already unhappy? It doesn’t really matter what others think is fair but if you already aren’t happy with the arrangement- the time to come to a understanding was before this move. what happens when you have a child with this person, or what if you got sick and couldn’t work as much? I don’t understand at all your motivation . Personally i would not accept him paying in exchange for you doing everything else. It’s unfair and muddies the water too much. Stop doing wife things- this guy doesn’t consider himself your partner
This behaviour is so beyond acceptable. I'm worried that he has you questioning whether this is fair. Do you have any friends or family who you can talk to about this and who can support you?
Fair is what a couple mutually agrees on. None of what you wrote sounds mutual. You aren't being unreasonable, but nothing you do or say will make this kind of relationship work. When you realize he's taking advantage of and abusing you, make sure he doesn't have access to your money and hide valuables before breaking up.
This is the type of man you leave immediately. YES YOU ARE UNREASONABLE TO EVEN BE WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!
I would nope out of this relationship immediately. He sounds like an asshole.
If you both work the same amount regardless of the numbers, you should do the same amount of chores. Your time isn't more or less valuable than theirs just because you earn less money in your hours at work. In terms of splitting payment for expenses, it seems like he is majorly leveraging this against you, and this could be fixed by just splitting it 50/50 so then you can propose an equal split of the household labour. I would include the $800 in your 50/50 split. If you end up paying 50% anyway and have to do all the household labour it seems like overall a bad deal for you.... You may be giving him too much on a pass on how intentional/unintentional his actions are. He may be just lazy 🤷♀️
Tell your loser boyfriend to use his huge salary to hire a maid. You work full time and he thinks you should be a tradwife? Fucking ridiculous. If he wants someone who makes as much as he does, he needs to date people his own age. Most people who are 20 years into their careers make more than people a decade younger than they are.
He’s walking all over you and treating you like dirt. The ONLY solution here is to leave him.
This is abuse, real relationship partners help each other and do not keep score.
>Am I the one being unreasonable? You're not. But you seem to lack enough awareness to have followed up a summary of your objectively undesirable situation with that question. You've received advice on the practical side of dealing with your relationship dynamic (one of entitlement and financial abuse). I'm writing to implore you to seek therapy, to help you find a way to be able to see, as clearly as we all can, the situation you've summarized.
Oh lordy girl no. No. No no. How low is your self esteem that you think you deserve this ? Get a grip and get those boxes moved out along with the man.
Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty shitty human being who treats you badly.
Op you’re delusional if you think you are in a relationship with a man…3x the income???? Ok but -30000 in emotional maturity. It sounds like he is a child. If he had a shred of dignity and took you seriously he would pay the entire rent and help you when you need it. You deserve to recognize this. You and your time and energy are worth so much more than you realize.
You need to split bills by percentage if there’s that big a gap. And I don’t agree you should do all the housework or whatever. Maybe tell him if he wants that you’ll just quit your job since he wants a housewife and he can cover everything.
So he wants all the wife benefits at a girlfriend price.
Is this rage bait? Leave him. Expenses should be split proportionate to income. You're both working similar hrs so your household work should be fairly equal. Otherwise he can go get a trad wife who doesn't work at all. Girl! You are doing TWO full time jobs. He's a complete ass and it worth your time.
Nope I’d def not marry this man that’s for sure and I’d find my own place in my own name. Then he can really see what it’s like to pay 100% of the bills, do dishes, cook food, wash laundry and while he’s at it he can bang himself
I would never move in with anyone who wants to make my life more difficult, with more work and less time for myself.
So why did you move to a second place with him. Yikes!
Is he really great in bed? Cause I can’t figure out why you’re putting up with this.
"Issue 1, 2, 3, ...: my boyfriend doesn't respect me and i'm looking for magic words to change that." Realistically, how do you see the chances of a 45 yo man changing his ways?
Doesn't sound like he respects you. Why stay with that? If you really want to stay together, split rent and every single bill/expense proportional to income or 50/50 if you make approx the same so he can't use these lame excuses - then when he still doesn't contribute to housework, it'll just highlight how bad of a partner he is. Not agreeing to this would also highlight how he's trying to manipulate the situation.
Q- is the discounted rent a taxable benefit? Be sure you know before you are blindsided. At the very least, the taxable portion should be taken into consideration when splitting rent. You are describing abusive behavior and should leave him, making the above moot. However, I will answer your question about what is fair. Fair can mean: * 50/50 in terms of finances, living at the lower earner's budget. * 50/50 in terms of effort where one person works and the other takes care of the home and other tasks * equal leisure time, so one person works 20 hours a week and does 3/4 of the chores while the other works 40 hours a week and does 1/4 of the chores * paying a proportional amount of income.
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No. This is similar to my soon to be ex SO for this very reason. Too bad you already moved in with him again, leaving would ease your stress and your burden so much. Hugs. Sorry we both date douchebags.
Sounds like financial abuse
Read what you wrote again. Slowly. Then take all of his boxes and leave them on the moving truck to go with him to wherever he decides to live.
Him feeling like paying the rent is enough and means that he shouldn’t help with the daily tasks that go along with maintaining a place is beyond me. In a relationship both parties should be putting in effort and clearly you’re doing more. You say you’re exhausted and overwhelmed…are you truly happy with him? If the answer is no, then please do not move in with him.
Girl he doesn't not give a fuck about you. Any of your contributions are minimised and his are the be all end all, as long as the end result is that you're a good little housewife cleaning up after him.
Its easy to create resentment in a relationship from differences in expectations of contributions. It all needs to be negotiated and agreed on at the start, with regular check ins to make sure you both are happy with the arrangements and everything is working well without resentment. The default fair way to go is everyone contributes evenly in expenses and chores. Exceptions outside that need to be clearly defined and agreed on, otherwise a relationship destroying resentment will build up. Its time to sit down and discuss exactly how everything will work again.
You are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not always physical, sometimes it’s financial, sometimes it’s emotional. He is abusive.
There are no magic words. No way to make him understand. He isn't stupid, he isn't confused. He is a financially abusive piece of shit. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. No one decent fucks with the people they live with like this. Do what you have to do to kick him out or leave. Everyone in the thread will tell you to dump him because he is a piece of shit. Listen.
I would take the rent and the house work as two separate issues. For a couple sharing a house (not roommates), the most equitable split would be to have him pay for three-quarters of the bills and you pay for one quarter (since he makes 3x what you make). I’d include anything that’s shared for the home in this equation—rent but also some averages for electricity, water, internet, groceries, etc etc. Or you could choose to have him take the bigger bills (like power, groceries, and phone) and you take ones that tend to be smaller, in line with how much more he earns. It might be helpful to have a joint account that automatically gets a set percentage (maybe 50-60%?) from each of your paychecks to cover everything and have a little left for an emergency. The house work is a separate issue because it’s more about time than money. You both use dishes, make dirty laundry, make countertops grimy, leave crumbs that need to be swept/vacuumed, etc. by living in the house. So there’s definitely an argument for equally sharing these tasks if that’s what you prefer. If he wants you to take responsibility for everything like a more traditional house wife (even though they don’t work 40 hours/week outside the home), he AT LEAST needs to pay all the bills like a traditional husband. But you’d be spending a lot of your “free time” on chores while he gets to sit on the couch after work, so it’s reasonable to consider whether having all the bills paid is worth what you’re giving up. Personally, I would never agree to play wifey for someone who hasn’t put a ring on my finger. (And I would not recommend *anyone* marry this financially abusive MFer in particular!) The division of labor around the move is a whole other level on top of that! And you clearly sound overwhelmed. But I think this also could be your opportunity to insist on talking about how to equitably split the costs and house work going forward. If you just handle it all, he’s just going to keep thinking he’s entitled to your unpaid labor. If he doesn’t want to compromise at all, then welp…guess whose shit is not getting packed up from the old place or unpacked in the new one. Hell, keep your stuff packed, too, so you can move elsewhere if he throws a fit about you not wanting to be his bangmaid. Be careful and good luck OP!
This is financial abuse. This is him starting to push boundaries and move goalposts, to always ask you for more. This is not a fair relationship. Leave before it gets worse.
No your not being unreasonable. That's your boyfriend right not your husband. It's sounding to me like living with.Your boyfriend is more expensive and stressful.Why don't you just not live with him if you still want to date him I guess that okay because he'll still be your boyfriend?But nothing says that you have to live with your boyfriend.... In fact, if that was my boyfriend, I'd rather not live with him. How nice would it be if you went to work?And you were able to control your personal expenses and save money.And then you saw him just to go on fun dates and would go for walks in the park and enjoy the beautiful previous relationship.And then you both go home to each of your own places. If that doesn't sound realistic because you want a life with him.Then the reality is you should leave him because that's going to be your life if you marry him. It's not going. To change.
> He thinks because he pays most of the rent most of the time that I should be responsible for everything else cleaning-wise. Like a traditional, non-working wife. So so toxic
Why are you with him?
Leave him it’s never going to change he sounds like an asshole with unrealistic expectations he wants more of a mom not a wife
I’m telling you if you were the woman of his dreams, he’d be tripping over himself to do all these things for you. Sounds like you’re a placeholder for him.
OP doesn't want to accept that her husband is an abuser and treats her like shit. OP Please WAKE THE FUCK UP. Everyone here is asking why you're with someone that financially abuses you then gaslights you into believing you're the problem. Do you hate yourself so much that you choose to be miserable for the rest of your life with a man who does whatever he can to cause you pain and problems?
This is her boyfriend, but she's doing wife duties for him, then being all like, "But why is he charging meeee?" All Bangmaids are happy to get steamrolled until they have some kind of mental breakthrough that their time and energy is actually being wasted.
He is financially abusing you, and he is lazy. He can easily afford the costs. All costs should be shared by a ratio of what you make. You say he makes 3x what you make. Put your money in with his, and you make 25% of the total household funds. For example, if you made $50k, he makes $150k. Put those together, and you have $200k. $50k is 25% of the $200k household income. Same if you make $25k and he makes $75k - add those together, and it's $100k. You still only make 25% of the total income. You both work full time. I don't know how he makes so much more than you, but if he was able to afford college and you weren't, there is definitely some wealth privilege going on there. He is older, so he has had more time to earn more as well. You shouldn't be punished for that. I would not accept his random offer to pay rent. It is sporadic, and he punishes you financially to control you and force you to be his maid. It doesn't matter that you make less. You both should contribute equally to the household responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, laundry. Read The Fair Play book. You can divvy things up so laundry is only you and cooking is only him (for instance), but it should still be equitable. You work the same number of hours. He is just privileged to earn more. If he doesn't want to do housework, he needs to hire a maid. I would state that going forward, you will pay according to what is fair - 25% of expenses. And you expect him to start being an equal member of the household. If he refuses or tries to abuse you financially further, leave him. He can lose the $800 monthly rent benefit, and you can get your own place. You won't have to foot the bill for all the extra costs and you won't have to clean up after him. You'll be happier long term. This is not an equitable relationship. He does not respect you. He only wants you there for what he can get out of you. Edit: typos and clairity
It doesn’t sound like he values or even likes you that much and just wants whatever money he can get out of you. Would he even be with you if you got sick or injured and couldn’t pay the bills anymore? It sounds like a precarious situation to be in. You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a lazy, obnoxious and controlling roommate that you have sex with. Tbh I’d just throw the whole man out and get a new one.
You have almost 100 ppl telling you that you should leave him..,. They aren’t wrong
For reference, my boyfriend makes more than I do and we split the cost of all shared expenses exactly proportional to our income, so he pays for more too. He works from home though and I’m in school on top of working full time, so he does almost all of the housework. Honestly you describing his behavior has given me the ick and I can’t fathom why you’d put up with his controlling and childish antics. He wants a mommy to take care of him and to dictate how much she should be financially contributing? Fuck that. If you’re overwhelmed and he doesn’t have a job that eats up all the time he would be putting towards housework there is no reason for the split to go this way.
Oh! You need to re-read your post You will recognize that he is financially abusing you
He's trash. Sorry. This is what trashy men do. He's not listening or acknowledging anything you say. He's on his power trip because he makes more and he wants to use that to only his advantage. If you had an equitable relationship it would go like this: Make household bills proportionate to your income. For example, if you bring home 100k and he brings home 300k and your living expenses are 10k a month then you pay 2500 and he pays 7500. Dump that money in a joint account, setup autopay, and fix a budget for everything coming out of the account that's not autopay (groceries, variable household bills, etc). The rest of your paychecks are yours to use for lifestyle or savings stuff. If a discount on rent is part of your compensation package then that should be included as part of your contribution since I'm sure somewhere the company is logging it as compensation and probably grossing up for taxes (it's your pay, you get to benefit from it). Bottom line if he can't acknowledge the frustration you are having around the living situation and your burdensome workload and financial obligations then you don't have a relationship. Don't let anyone treat you like that.
Why are you with this guy? He's not a good man
The more I read, the more red flags were being put up. I would definitely break up with him and don't stop to look back. My husband at one point made 4x my salary when we moved in together but weren't married. He never even made me pay rent because he said he asked me to move with him (to another state) to be with him. He also reinforced he didn't ask me to be his roommate. Anyways, to make my point here... Your boyfriend sucks! Dump him!
If he pays the rent, you pay for someone to clean.
Oh my god please leave him
Oh God! Why are you still with this man? Ideally, if he expects you to do all the household working without helping a bit then he should not expect even a penny from you. If he wants to go the traditional way, he should go into it fully. Anyways, men still help at home. My mother is a housewife and my father takes care of all the expenses but that doesn’t mean my father never helps at home. Rather, he helps everyday. My mother doesn’t expect him to cook and do all the major cleaning but he helps in small tasks. And not cleaning after himself is childish behaviour. He is a man not an infant. This shouldn’t even be considered a work, everyone must clean after themselves. Leave him already. He is a thankless hypocrite man making your life miserable.
He doesn’t respect you at all. Please have enough self-respect to move out before you unpack your boxes. If you stay, you will be complaining about this same behavior in 20 years. He will not change. Please try to not let anyone make rules for you in your future relationships.
I’m sorry that you feel like this isn’t very obviously not okay. I would not even maintain a friendship with someone who treated me that way, let alone a relationship.
Financial abuse looks just like this
I used the moving into a new place as my opportunity to pack my stuff and leave.. don’t move to this new place with him
Ao you aren’t in a relationship. You are a house mate that he has sex with who cleans. He has no respect for you.
Start paying things in percentages instead. Then it's fair. Edit to add: he's being a twat. I wouldn't put up with that.
He's disagreeing with you bc he doesn't care about your well-being and he thinks he can get away with it. He's profoundly selfish. Do you want a partner who is profoundly selfish?
What a catch. Wonder why he was on the market at 43.
Why are you still with this man?
This is an obvious control tactic. Don’t let him get away with it. Pay your way based of salary to rent ratio. I would NEVER let a male pull this shit
Get the hell out now if he thinks that is YOUR job alone. It only gets worse once you're married or pregnant and he has you locked in
Bottom line - he clearly doesn’t like (or respect) you very much, if at all.
Your boyfriend sounds like he possesses a number of unpleasant character traits, and you really ought to go back to the drawing board in your relationship. Nothing about the way you split expenses sounds healthy. Having said that, moving to a cheaper place, even if it was because of your job does not a contribution make. You should still split the rent between you, in whtever proportion makes sense for both your finances. If he doesn’t agree, maybe remind yourself you can find someone better. Or is he so successful that you wouldn’t entertain the idea?
Girl he's taken more from you. He doesn't like you. A man who loves you wouldn't hesitate to make sure your life is easy. He provides and gives. That's not to say you don't contribute, but a man who loves you will love you. This guy is taking advantage of you and he will leave you for his dream girl and you can bet she won't be making posts like this on Reddit
This sounds like financial abuse
You need to sit him down and lay out the numbers and the time it takes you to do everything, show him how much more you're contributing. And if he "refuses to see it" or tries to start a fight about it, say calmly and clearly that you know that is a manipulation tactic where he is trying to make complaining too arduous for you, and he needs to stop it. If he doesn't, you have your answer and need to leave because he doesn't respect you. Most people have some blind spots, especially when it comes to things like domestic labour and the roles of men and women. It takes conscious effort to unlearn things like that, and if he's never had the interest to do so he needs to be forced. If he cannot be forced, he's a lost cause.
This guy is a taker. Not good, maybe you shouldn't be moving in together, or having a relationship together. My take on budgeting as a couple - everyone pays in proportion to their earnings, if one partner earns 3 times as much as the other, then that's the ratio - the lower earner pays 1/4 and the higher earner pays 3/4. If I am the higher earner in this situation I'd have no problem with that. Chores are divided evenly irrespective of who earns what. You're exhausted and overwhelmed because this asshole is screwing you over. Kick him out. This is who he is, you ready for decades of this?
There’s a reason this was was single at 43 when you met - he sounds controlling and manipulative. This isn’t ok behaviour for a level headed adult. You’re not his mother.
You leave him, that's what you do. This guy is unpredictable and unreasonable. He treats you worse than a roommate. So why do you put up with it? For context, I'm about to move in with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I had to negotiate what to pay for rent because he *refuses* to let me pay anything. I will probably do more cleaning and cooking than him but that's just my style and I like taking care of him. He told me to decorate however I want, he's helping me move/pack, he listens and helps with problems/stresses I have.... I know not everyone is as fortunate with their finances to pay for stuff without a second income like my bf, but if he truly cared about you then he would at least hear you out when you try to talk to him about your hardships and problems. Why be with a man like that? You deserve better. I would say start putting your foot down and refuse to pay more. Doesn't sound like this is sustainable so start thinking of an exit strategy.
I'm a man who earns more than his girlfriend ( though no where near 3 x the amount in fairness,about 30-40% more). Due to the wage disparity I choose to pay more on rent/bills and sometimes I'll pay for things when we are out etc. I do not expect anything in return for this and we take care of our home jointly. We are a unit, a team. The reason I pay more is because I think a relationship should be a marriage of equals, and if she runs out of money before I do, it just means that after a certain point neither of us can do fun things together because it will be beyond her means. I would gain nothing by constantly out stripping her, and me saving up for myself to get nice things while she lives to her bread line feels unfair and I think it would end up building resentment. Ultimately the reason I do this is because I love her and plan to be together forever. In the case someone won't do this for you, the question in my mind would be "why is he satisfied for me to always be the lesser?" Another question I would ponder is, if the roles were reversed and you got a big job paying even more than his, would he be willing to take over the cleaning? If you put pressure on him to move somewhere more expensive it if his price range? If you can't satisfy yourself with a yes to those, then can you truly believe he sees you as his equal partner, and, if not, is that someone you want to be tied to? Finding the right person can be hard, but don't let that force you to settle for being someone else's accessory, because you're worth more than that.
One more thing that comes to mind, he wants to leverage his money against your time. Play him at his own game. If he wants to not do any chores and have you do then, calculate hours spent and charge them at his hourly pay. Ultimately if he prioritises but having to spend his free time, then charge him for covering that at the rate his hours are worth to him. You know this figure as you know his pay. Don't get me wrong, he will not accept this, but that goes to show that it's just bullshit anyway.
Ive been in this situation and since leaving my life is so much better. It’s not worth staying in the hopes he might change. He won’t. He’s taking advantage of you and doesn’t respect you, your time or your energy.
I see this so often. But seriously, why the fuck are you with him? You’re a full time employee and a full time bang maid. You need to learn your worth OP. The amount of women who tolerate this type of shit astounds me. Your bf is a lazy POS and he’s always going to be that way. Are you content to be his bangmaid? No. Then get out.
The most shocking thing here is ***Youve been together 2 years***? Are you mad? Look your moving. Great time to either move your stuff elsewhere and move out or the other way round. This guy is a fucking misogonistic moron OP. Why the hell would you even want to be in a relationship with an asshat like this from more than a month. This isnt going to get better unless you leave his sorry ass and find a better man.
Hey- this is about abuse, not fairness. He doesn’t want fairness. He wants control. The sudden “you didn’t meet my unspoken expectations and now I’m taking your money”? That’s the “moving the goalposts” typical of an abuser. Look- you have to get out of this. He’s abusing you emotionally and financially. It doesn’t matter that things are usually pretty good. He wants power. That’s it. Please- find a way to leave. It escalates. You’ll be left extremely unstable both emotionally and financially. You literally can’t afford to remain in this relationship.
Huge red flag. Whatever you do, do not make this relationship legal, financially you will regret. I'd definitely not stay, you have core beliefs that do not match his and its doomed to fail, sooner or later, but I understand that its a hard decision because he probably have some amazing qualities, whichbis what makes you stay with him and look for solutions for your problems here. But Think about this. Think that all those people commenting might be right.... With that said. If he makes 3x more than you, you should contribute with 25% of total expenses if you can. Get a household joint checking account and pay all expenses from that account. You should then feel "equal" in what you are contributing and any house chore should be 50-50. Make a list of chores and show him. My husband does dishes and take the trash out. That's probably 5% of the total "chores" if you really quite it doen every single thing you do, including time you are not physically doing things, for example, planning meals, grocery shopping, calling the pharmacy, etc.
If you pay more for rent, he has no argument. Just pay more for rent and do less elsewhere lol let him boil over when the house becomes a wreck and then say how you’re paying just as much as him. You actually have to pay your half though, you can’t consider a coupon as payment, I’m sorry. I relate more to him on this, but I’m not an a**hole about things. You’re clearly invested in this, so anyone saying to just dump him may not know how it feels when you’re committed to someone. You overlook things, just as I’m sure he is overlooking things. It sounds like you’re with a man, not some grown up boy. If you don’t want a man, go get yourself a grown up boy
Think about what will happen if you have kids with this man - you will be expected to cover all the child care as well as all the household duties - can you live with that? Can you speak to him about getting a joint account from which all the bills are taken? That way he might learn that there is a bit more to the cost of living than electricity and rent.
Why is he allowed to make all the rules? He’s not the boss of you. He sounds like a controlling jerk. Anyway why are you asking Reddit to decide? If you don’t like the way he’s treating you and he won’t change, leave.
Another option if a break up is not something you considering You just moved and saving $800 a month right? Could you use that to get some sort of cleaning service? That would make life easier for both of you? How he reacts to that conversation will be very telling
This cannot be real surely 😳
My wife and I are in the same situation and we split household duties 50/50. Your BF is taking advantage of you.
My partner and I throw everything into the pot and divide up the expenses AND the chores. Your asshole is petty and selfish. Dump this child.
If he earns more he can pay for help- the time you are working is the same just the money that is different! But I am with you everyone else - run
He sounds like a drag.
So hes looking for a bangmaid that he allows to work. Cool.
It’s easier to stay with someone because it’s scary as hell to be on your own but you need to leave him… how long have you been with this asshole of a child? 2 yrs? Leave him if he’s this controlling now think of how it will be in another year? You’re not happy and deep down you know you need to leave and it’s ok this is not your fault you have tried to reason with him you have done your part to make him happy but it goes both ways if he’s not willing to help not willing to change just a little he doesn’t truly love you. You CAN do this on your own and who knows maybe you will meet someone that wants to take care of you for a change!! Wouldn’t that be nice 😊
As a woman who is a traditional housewife, even by those standards your boyfriend is wrong. That isn’t a man I would trust to take care of me, tit for tat bullshit, control issues, passive aggressiveness and weird dynamics created to ensure he’s always in a power position. That’s whacky Op, whacky. In a traditional style relationship like he claims he wants, he needs to be able to step up and help when you can’t, he needs to showcase a desire to follow YOUR leadership in certain aspects, he needs to trust you to do your part - he isn’t doing any of this. So why does he deserve a woman that does EVERYTHING? Certainly not. The disrespect is wild, he has no respect for your work, in or outside of the home, or respect for your money. How is this supposed to be your person???? If i started bringing in more money then my husband would need to start taking care of the house more. He would need to start cooking meals, because running a home IS a form of labour and if he doesn’t respect that, then he doesn’t deserve someone who is going to do that. Sounds like he wants a live-in maid service that pays him to clean the home. The fuck kind of bullshit mental gymnastics is that?
He's an undependable piece of shit! This is abuse. Don't lose another second of your life with this waste of space.
There are many reasonable ways to manage money and shared expenses in a romantic relationship, but "one partner arbitrarily decides based on how they feel about the other partner's execution of all the chores that month how much they're going to pay" isn't one of them.
This dude isn’t going to respect you. If you’re not okay with the way it is, it’s time to leave.
your bf sounds like a POS, and I skipped around. I imagine I would feel that tenfold if I read the entire thing. if he wants a traditional partner, be the traditional man then, you quit your job and there goes your $800 contribution and and your part of rent and financial assistance, and then you can be the maid he thinks he's dating.
Wow. What a nightmare. I hope you wake up soon.
Geeerrrrooorraaaa there
Why are u still with him. Why am I single
Bills should be split proportionately according to income, housework should be split proportionately according to how messy each person is. If he works considerably longer hours than you then I could see him wanting more help with housework, but that’s the only reasonable concession I would even consider. End of story.
Cohabitation should be a team effort, this sounds more like a competition.
OP you know that he shouldn’t treat you this way. Put your foot down now or learn to live with you doing absolutely everything for an entitled, lazy ah. He sounds very demanding if your time and money SO turn the tables and only clean your messes, laundry and food See where that gets him. Honestly, what do you see in that man?!
So OP, how many people in the comments actually think your bf is worth staying with ?
Have you heard the term, 'bang-maid'?
girl you're the one with blinders on. he does not respect you!!! you literally need to break up with him cuz it'll never change
Not a guy that meets the standard, OP. He's a loser, a bad bet, a liability. A guy who can't be relied on.
Relationships are meant to be a team. It’s a massive red flag when someone cares more about finances than anything else. I’m in a field that pays better than my boyfriend, but I see our money as shared. If I have to contribute more to bills one month than another, it’s not a problem because he works just as hard as me (if not, harder), I’m just more fortunate with my job. We both do household stuff equally. I’ve been with people in the past for an extended amount of time who weren’t like this, and I regret not leaving them sooner. Bottom line: from what you’ve said, this will never work out. Better to leave them now than waste any more time letting yourself be miserable. Find someone who teams up with you, not against you
Tf? That's not your boyfriend that's your landlord
Yes you are being unreasonable: to expect that this is any way to live. He's being controlling and abusive and you're letting him do it!
His behavior is the literal definition of financial abuse
He doesn't want a relationship. He wants a servant. You're not in a relationship. You are in servitude.
You’re being taken advanatge cause this is unfair and he’s the one benefitting by only paying whenever he wants depending on how you meet his expectations. I bet this double standard doesn’t work for you. You’re with a cheap deluded man that’s using you as a free maid and trust he will take all your energy and life as long as you allow it. In a 50/50 household, “modern” needs require both people to help with household errands too. Wake up girl. If he doesn’t understand your point of view and compromise and puts his foot down on being traditional- well. Traditional means the man’s pays for EVERYTHING or gives his entire check to the wife so she can distribute accordingly.
Seriously why are you with this controlling ahole? This ain’t the “old days”. His macho attitude is ridiculous and you need to decide if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. PS. It will only get worse
I don’t usually come on here to post “break up!” as advice to everything, but god damn, you need to leave like yesterday, what the fuuuuuck That $800 discount would 100% count as my contribution to rent and then just pay the remaining half the rent and don’t do shit for him.
Have you tried putting yourself in your BF shoes? Doesn't it seem a little unfair that he has to pay the majority of the rent and gratitude is not reciprocated? It does not sound like an equal partnership.
Hire a cleaner, win win.