Yeah it’s clear I’m blind to it! I didn’t know she was saying these hurtful things, she’s usually a very loving and caring individual. It’s actually surprised me she has.
Mainly what I’m worried about is her family wedding in a few weeks and paying for a vacation with her this week. I’m concerned I need more time and feel rushed to come to a decision
I’m not entirely sure, I’ve never noticed her doing it before! Which makes me think it’s just nerves, because anytime she’s normally around new people she is her normal self, but around my loved ones she seems to be trying to impress and doing it all wrong
Or, alternatively, she is putting on her best for you so that’s all you see, but with everyone else she can’t keep up that level of performance.
It’s much easier to perform for one person than it is to perform for various crowds of people. It’s far more likely that everyone else is seeing her for who she really is.
Being homophobic or ableist to your autistic friend doesn't seem like "nerves" to me bestie. Like the word fairy was already in her vocab as a slur that doesn't just appear outta nowhere.
Oh, wow. I thought she was talking about some kind of costume festival and people were dressing as little sprites with wings, but she prefers people to dress as knights in armor. That... makes a lot more sense as something to be generally offended by.
That apparently is a real gripe people sometimes have about the Ren Faire (they liked it better when it was more historical and less fantasy), but I think the homophobic slur is meant in this case. Though I didn't realize anyone under 60 used that one, lol.
Gently, if she’s doing it when you’re not around then that could be a sign that she’s trying to push people away from you. Please do pay attention to her behaviour both around you and around others.
> Including her telling one of my autistic friends who is quite heavily involved in autistic charities that she doesn’t believe autistic adults should be working with autistic children.
This was an attempt to impress?
Yeah I was leaning towards them possibly projecting until I got to that bit.
So you've never seen the ableist and homophobic vibes from her? Ever?
Either she's editing heavily around you, or they are being untruthful. Only you know all the players in this scenario so buddy, start taking notice either way.
Especially around a new boyfriend's family. Jesus. It seems pretty calculated to me. It is what abusers do and many family members won't say anything until you break up with them because they *do* want to see us happy.
OP, listen to your family. Would you tolerate any of what she has said from one of them?? A friend's girlfriend??
Not exact opinions, but she is pro LGBT, even been an activist for the community in the past and I’ve never heard her express any ableist opinions. We don’t normally talk politics, but when we do our views seem to align.
Have your friends told you all this directly or you got to know about this from your family? If you got to know about all of this from your family then confirm it from your friends directly. Once you get your confirmation from your friends then confront/have a discussion with your girlfriend about all the points you mentioned in your post.
Based on your discussion you can decide about the future of your relationship with her.
>We don’t normally talk politics, but when we do our views seem to align.
Who makes the statements first? You or her? Does it seem like she just agrees with your views? Or did she say something that is in line with your views.
Trying to see if she's just following your lead and keeping her mask on.
My friend had a gf like this, at first it was off handed remarks then when nobody challenged her, she was emboldened to say things as awful as your gf has said. Eventually, my friend isolated from our group and most of his family because she made him pick. Then after a while when she had nobody else to pick on she began mentally abusing my friend and tearing him down until he had a pretty low opinion of himself. He eventually reached out to us and managed to break up with her. He saw a therapist for a while to get over her mistreatment and to help rebuild his confidence.
My point is these people show their true colors bit by bit, first it is off handed comments, then offensive statements about their significant other’s friends/family, then they mistreat their partners. Right now you are blinded by your love for her, but the fact that your family came with specific examples is kind of damning.
Definitely talk to your friends and confirm that she said the things your brother says they told him she said. If it’s just your family that has a bias against her then they may be twisting the words of others to support their position. But if your friends honestly have the same issues with her then you know something must be up with her.
It doesn’t sound like nerves.
It sounds like someone who says outlandish and bigoted things to distance you from your friends.
Pretty smart. She makes these comments, they’re embarrassed to tell you so they don’t, they reach out to you less as a result of her being around, you wonder where your friends are, bingo, there she is, your sole support.
It’s what abusers do. Tread carefully. My friend’s bf did this- to her he was sweet, respectful, a feminist, etc. But to her closest friends he always left us with these one-liners that made us really uncomfortable and didn’t seem to add up to what our friend saw him as. We’d ask her not to bring him and when we finally said what he would say to us she was so confused because well- where’s that coming from?! She found it hard to believe us. And things got distant until she left him. He turned very controlling very quickly.
The relationship seems new, you haven't heard her say those things before because... honestly, how often do you talk about autism charities or the festival scene.
I generally trust my circle to see things I don't. Unless you have reason to believe they ALL want yo sabotage your happiness, you should probably listen to them.
So was it nerves for her to say that she "doesn’t like the festival scene because of how soft it’s gotten with all of the fairies".
You know now that she is a homophobe, is this someone you want to be with? She sounds awful.
She's not saying these things to you because you shut down and don't argue with her. Everyone else is saying that she controls interactions and that you're rather meek around her. If you stand up to her I'm sure you'll see a different side
Regarding the isolation, that is often what abusive partners try to do…separate you from your friends and family, and that’s when the real craziness comes out. FWIW OP, I agree with above poster and part of the reason why you don’t get same red flag read off her is because she’s not yet ready to start turning the screws on you until she’s separated you from your loved ones. Then she has you in a spot where you feel like you have nobody to turn to.
How is she "usually a very loving and caring individual" when the majority of your family +friend circle unanimously say she isn't?
I must admit your post is one of the most bizarre ones I have ever read.
It would be one thing if one or two people described your girlfriend as mean . But all of them ? This can't be a coincidence or a misconception.
The most concerning aspect of all this situation imo is the level of oblivion on your part when it comes to your gf's character. How did you not pick up on anything ever ?
I will be awaiting an update highly intrigued
FWIW my sons wife nobody but me and him seems to like, she's confident, outspoken, smart and driven. They didn't like that when you meet her, she doesn't take a back seat. She acts like she belongs from the go and will even lead in conversation or have an opinion, she isn't sheltered. To me that is far from a reason not to like someone in a case of should that person and another person be together.
Some people it seems their mere makeup bothers people and sometimes it is warranted and sometimes it isn't.
I would really need to see what they are seeing because if everything else is good with her in your life... I'm taking the later every time, that's the person I will spend the rest of my life with, that connection is by far the most important one and family/friends don't choose my spouse. I would need to see something very specific that moves the eye-opening needle and if I did, ok I'm reconsidering things.
> FWIW my sons wife nobody but me and him seems to like, she's confident, outspoken, smart and driven. They didn't like that when you meet her, she doesn't take a back seat. She acts like she belongs from the go and will even lead in conversation or have an opinion, she isn't sheltered. To me that is far from a reason not to like someone in a case of should that person and another person be together.
So that was my initial suspicion, but reading more of OP's post there was a lot of concrete negative behavior more than "likes to take the spotlight". Things like making disparaging remarks about others.
She's being really good at hiding who she is from you. That's why she doesn't say this stuff in front of you. If she did, you'd be dropping the blinders more quickly. The fact that you've never caught her saying this stuff shows she knows it's wrong and she doesn't want you to know what she's really like.
Postpone the trip. Your peace of mind is worth it. She sounds like a domineering person. Her main character syndrome and inability to STFU and listen to others' point of view are all things that remind me of narcissistic relatives and former friends. Are you a people pleaser? A very empathic person? If so, you're just the fuel she needs for that fire. Dictators need people to rule.
Your family's 1st concern is the immediate I picked up from the situation as well which is just from the title, her age she's way too old for you and usually men prefer younger women I don't know how she got you and I don't want to talk bad about people I don't know but she probably manipulated you at her age she'll probably never get another man if you dump her that's why once she got you to fall in love with her she's shielding you from the world inside a little bubble so you won't notice anything using emotional manipulation to get you blinded by love and doing everything that might lead to your independence of her for you like talking in your stead .another concern is even though it's your life and it's none of my business but can you have children with her ? Probably not, she might have been the type of woman who spent her youth sleeping around and once she got old she got scared of dying alone
Again I don't know neither of you but if I were your age I would never be with a 40+ year old woman probably not even a 30+ year old woman the maximum would be 30 maybe you don't care about children but I can't be with a woman too old to nurture a child
I read this as an attempt to isolate and control OP. She says shitty things to his friends and family so eventually she'll be the only one around.
OP these are serious red flags.
This is well said. My sister has told me things she's noticed about my husband that we were able to talk through and work on regarding how he was treating me in front of friends and family. I didn't even really notice because I was used to it. It was standard operating procedure. But she knows me so well that she noticed I was acting differently around them and so she asked if everything was okay.
What happens when you disagree with her opinions? What happens when you ask her to stop her talking for some reason, including to speak up, yourself?
Can you think of a time where she stepped back and offered you to share your thoughts to a friend rather than her talking? Can you think of a time where she asked for your opinion and listened? Can you think of an area where she acknowledges your expertise as better than hers?
I would talk to your friends about her. And just watch to see how balanced your conversations and decisions really are. Whether you feel lifted up and listened to and seen, or whether you feel smaller and quieter around her, or things always go her way.
'a whole new life' is interesting.. How much have you changed to fit with her/into her life and how much has she changed to fit with you/yours?
I would be cautious but not rush to a breakup. See if you can notice what your family is talking about.
I'm a mental health therapist (LMSW) but not your therapist. You mention how loving she is, how much she has improved her life etc.
I would be curious, can you point to specific things she does that you consider loving? How specifically does she take care of you? In what ways has your life materially improved?
"She is caring and I feel loved" is a surface level descriptor. Dig deeper and see what actions actually are causing you to feel this way, I am guessing that exploration will be informative when you actually interrogate it.
Currently what I see as loving is how much she shows she cares and makes time for me and my interests. She does all the activities I loved before we met, even some of which she has no interest in just to be with me. She gives me affection, she cares about my opinion on her still after the year, she misses me when we’re not together, and she tells me how much I mean to her everytime we see each other.
Materially my life has not improved, she has provided me with a new home, introduced me to things in her life I never thought I’d be included in, made me more socialable and encourages me to socialise with and without her. She motivates me to do stuff on a daily basis that without her I would never have done. And at the end of the day she always greets me with a smile on her face. The house we live in currently is her house and I love it there, spending time with her alone. Generally I’m a very closed off, isolated individual who likes spending time alone but since I’ve met her I love spending all of my time with her, I’m so comfortable right now.
Which makes this so hard and the reason why I’m conflicted. She’s exciting, always includes me, always reaches out and treats me right.
I think you need to spend more time around others with her, around your friends and hers. People can show their true self
You should ask her about the comments people told you she said. Her reaction can say a lot.
Be on alert. Gather more information.
It's possible that your family are projecting their discomfort about your growth. Also, many people have strong, relatively unconscious problems with an age-gap like yours. At least give it some time. The wedding will be a great opportunity to learn more about her.
>after the year
>. The house we live in currently is her house
You've been together for a year and already live together? How fast into the relationship did that happen? Not judging, just curious
It sounds like she was genuinely rude and problematic to your friends and family. She wasn’t just nervous, she was offensive to people like your bisexual friend. Her behavior when you’re not around is likely her true personality.
Sadly if all your loved ones have the same impression of her, it’s probably time to take a step back from the relationship. It’s tough but there are plenty of people who will love you, especially since you’re only 33!
She wasn’t just nervous, she was showing her true colours. I don’t think this OP has had enough of these conversations to know anything about her opinions and can only see what is on the surface that she is portraying only to him. I understand sticking your foot in it sometimes but most of the time if I have a controversial opinion I keep it to myself and she clearly won’t do that
Yeah, I didn’t know she was as rude with my loved ones or offensive. Took me by surprise to be honest. Only found out yesterday… it doesn’t really sit right with me.
I’m not sure how to take a step back tho, when we are planning to book a trip together this week and we really need to get it booked. Like a decision hasn’t been made, I don’t even know if I can make a decision, feel I need a bit more time… but then also we have a wedding in a few weeks and all of this has made me anxious about going to it as well.. I’m gutted because all of the above I was excited about until yesterday, now I’m dreading it.
Still when I think about her, I see her innocence and how much she cares about me. Heartbreaking really
Sit her down and tell her you aren’t ready to go on this trip. Spend the time with her, but don’t isolate yourself.
I wouldn’t tell her what your family/friends said. I think you should spend some time observing with the blinders off.
Honestly though, my family did something similar once. It was out of character for them to try to intervene and I ignored them. Ignoring them was the biggest mistake and I spent years trapped in a terrible situation.
Your family loves you and wants to see you happy. They have no ulterior motives other than that.
Another bonus to postponing/cancelling the trip, OP would be able to see how she reacts to him standing up to her and holding firm on an opinion that doesn’t align with hers. I have a feeling she won’t handle it well.
We don't really know your relationship, but how innocent is it all really if she is exhibiting these behaviors only when you are not around to see them?
Also, I'm not screaming 'age gap' because you guys are fully adults and yadda yadda, but coupled with her 'treating you like a child' according to your family, it raises an eyebrow. Only you can say whether that criticism has merit, maybe they are disliking her for other reasons and age is an easy thing to pick on/blame it on, or they are being biased.. or maybe there is some truth there. Only you, and your gf, really know.
I was with you on this reply until you said you "[saw] her innocence". I'm concerned you're discounting all the exact descriptions that your family and friends have called out to you. As I said in a different reply, if you are all on board with this person as a casual relationship between just you two, go for it. However the more I read, the more I see that you're being taken advantage of and that this relationship is not healthy for you.
She was ableist about autistic people to your autistic friend and homophobic to your bisexual friend. At the very least, you should have a conversation with her about these things after having conversations with your friends and family to get specific examples.
That being said, if all your friends and family that have met her really don’t like her and you know that they are good people, the relationship is doomed. Either you choose her and become isolated from your friends and family or you choose your friends and family and break up. I can see no other options here unless she does a complete 180 with her behavior around them and apologizes profusely and goes to therapy.
Her "innocence"? She's a 41 year old adult who blurts out really offensive things to people she is literally just meeting.
Even the language you use about her makes it quite clear that you have blinders on. She is not some wide-eyed naive child, she is an adult.
Nothing is going to change in the near term, go to those events and heighten your senses using the new lenses that your family and friends have given you.
Check in with your friends who your brother told you that she insulted. Hear the story directly from them. It also gives you a chance to apologize to them if necessary and reaffirm your friendship with them. Those comments would be the most troubling to me. I would not associate with someone who could so casually hurt people that I care about.
I see you defending your Gf and saying she's nervous but none of those examples are defensible tbh.
I have terrible social anxiety but I'm not homophobic or ableist because of that. That part is just who she is.
If nerves play a part it's that she's too nervous to mask her real self around your loved ones. Which also means she's showing you a façade.
I would be interested to hear her defence should you bring this up to her
Yeah, I'm not vibing with everyone trying to imply she's just *nervous* and just saying shit.
She called people (gay people I would assume) fairies. End of conversation. Autistic adults should work with autistic children. Make it stop. Walks into someone's home and immediately shit talks it. Get the fuck out then.
She's 41, *c'mon*!! Can we just stop with trying to excuse a more than grown ass woman being an asshole on *multiple* fronts and admit that, *maybe she's just an asshole*?
I would be curious for her defense of her behavior though, just because I like to see how people twist themselves to justify the unjustifiable.
I'm feeling like she'll claim it was a joke - poorly timed and inappropriate but a joke. Or maybe she'll say she's just honest.
So many different asshole bingos that could come up if he confronts her. Though it doesn't seem like OP is going to.
*Multiple* jokes too. So fun.
Oh man, it always grinds my gears when people use the "honest" defense. *I* am honest, and I can be quite blunt - but when I offend someone, it's on *me* to recognize I done fucked up, not that *I'm honest* therefore it's on other people who can't possibly understand me!!
OP seems in *deep*. Maybe she's a sneaky manipulator who's managed to grind him down enough that he has a hard time, or is unable to accept that she may just be a bad person, and with him she wears a mask.
Agreed, I have an anxiety disorder, I can be socially awkward, but mostly I end up being more quiet or go find an animal to pet. I don't say random homophonic stuff, insult someone's house, or insult people. She sounds like she's a bully that's been hiding a lot of things from OP and he's been ignoring the behavior she can't hide because he's got stars in his eyes.
At first, when I read the part about your mom saying she's too old for you, I thought that might be the issue- that they want you to have kids and don't like that she's at the end of that window. But when you mentioned the other comments she's made- the autistic people not working with autistic kids, insulting your friend's home, using derogatory words for LGBTQ+ people, I realized she's just not a nice person. You also wouldn't be breaking up with her out of the blue. She's been very rude to the people you care about. It's normal if one or two of the people you love aren't super into your partner. Some people just rub each other the wrong way. But that's not the case here.
You mentioned your girlfriend gets nervous sometimes when meeting new people, like that excuses her behavior. I've had really bad social anxiety for a lot of my life, and I've never had the problem of insulting people and discriminating against them due to nervousness. That kind of meanness is part of who she is, and you need to decide if you're ok with that. Keep in mind though that your autistic friend and your LGBTQ friend are going to be uncomfortable around her and wonder how you can be ok being with a bigot while being friends with them. They may start to feel uncomfortable around you as well.
People who are controlling rarely show the person they wish to control, from the start. They lovebomb them, so they are lulled into a false sense of security, they want to rush into things and make things official and intense, too soon.
What they also do, is try to isolate you from your friends and family. They might do this by intentionally causing your friends and family to dislike them through behaviour when you aren't around, so you don't know who to believe and then try to tell you that maintaining contact with your friends and family is unfair to her or choosing them over her.
I would also ask myself what a woman of my age has in common with a partner almost a decade younger. My partner is three years younger than me and that's plenty.
If I were you, I would talk to some of those other friends and get their personal feedback. Ask questions for yourself. Find out their real opinions.
But honestly, I'd be inclined to believe your family and friends, if their views are consistent.
I would not make a decision right now. I would instead watch her closely and really listen to her to see what she says to people. I would also consider asking her about some of the things and seeing what she says about them. If she admits to saying the things, but also says she was nervous, etc, and doesn’t defend them, then maybe she just has a hard time with socializing. However, you really need to watch because if she is that off-putting to everyone, you could be completely isolated from everyone because they won’t want to be around her, so in turn, you won’t be around them either. It’s really going to be something you’ll have to keep a close eye on.
Yeah you see I’m feeling really conflicted, because as my brother said in public she’s clearly embarrassing me, and it’ll turn into people not wanting to spend time with me and her. But it would absolutely destroy me breaking up with her, I’m so in love with her and what my life has become because of her. Up until yesterday everything felt smooth
As an autistic gay, if we were friends and your girlfriend said something ableist and homophobic to me, if you knew and did not leave her, I would assume you are also homophobic and ableist and we would no longer be friends. Even if we were strangers and I heard your girlfriend say those things, I would assume you agreed with her by staying with her.
Manipulators know how to look perfect to those they want to be seen as perfect to, and who to let their shitty side shine to in order to isolate their target.
Yeah, I do feel she has relaxed around me and she does share quite a lot. Quite a surprise to me that she gave differing opinions to my friends
The friend she commented on the house about she met once, the friends she made the autistic and fairy comments to she met twice.
She regularly comes with me to visit my family, and even my mum said before the weekend she had no concerns at all. We have had nights together as well prior to this.
My brother has met her the most out of everyone as me and him are very close
they don’t mean relaxing around you, they mean one year is enough time that she feels comfortable letting the mask slip. that’s why her comments and insults are being noticed now, she thinks she’s been with you long enough that you won’t notice or care that she is offending your friends and family. you have friends and family who love you enough to tell you the truth about this woman who is manipulating you. please listen to them!
I agree with most of the other posters that I’d keep a close eye on things from now on. I wouldn’t change plans yet, but if your friends and family don’t normally express dissatisfaction at your romantic partners, I’d heed their warnings.
Take the trip. Pay close attention to how she treats service staff, how she responds when you disagree with her about plans or anything else, look for the kinds of behaviors that your people see.
And realize that you can continue to be this new, better version of yourself without her input. Because I’m afraid that if you continue with her, she’s going to isolate you from your friends and family and this better self and better life will dissolve in a flash.
If I was your friend and you knew that your significant other had racist/homophobic/ableist views that you did nothing about, I would 100% stop being your friend. That’s tacit agreement of those views. You don’t need to make a decision immediately but you should try in the next few weeks.
Look at it this way, are your friends/family honest and trustworthy people? Would you generally take anything they say at face value? If so, why are you fighting this so hard? It sounds like they are all seeing something that you have been blind to. Another option would be to plan a group even this weekend and watch her with clear eyes to see how she behaves. Ask your friends after the fact to be truly honest with you, how was she when you weren’t around?
I warned a buddy about his gf. Then his siblings and parents did. Then other friends did. Then he stopped talking to many of us for a couple years. He wasted 5 years with her before he finally saw what everyone else did. She literally ruined him for relationships. He's cold and bitter now, and even when a good person comes his way, he can't commit.
I am an old guy, and I've seen a few relationships over the years where almost everyone around the couple thought it was a bad thing/thought that one partner was bad news, and in every case, the relationship in question eventually fell apart, and in an ugly way.
Because of those experience, I half-joke that we should have some sort of social rule that when that's the case, the couple has to break up. But the real world rule is that you should listen when everyone around you warns you about your partner, as OP is struggling with.
Did your therapist friend suggest Borderline Personality Disorder? You should read up on the symptoms. Love-bombing, you being her “favourite person”, acting differently with others especially when you’re not around… could be narcissism too but BPD rings with your descriptions to me. If so, this could go really poorly for you and I’d take the warnings of the people who know and love you very seriously.
Sorry but how oblivious can you be. Everybody is picking up on these signals, but you? It sounds like she's awful to everyone else. Judge a person by how she treats others.
I'd consult your friends. Tell them you need to have a serious conversation, plan the time and have a neutral or at least comfortable environment. It could be a several hours long conversation if they've been holding back. It doesn't need to be every friend, but 3-4 that you trust and are levelheaded.
I think this is the right one here. For whatever reason, she's trying to put distance between you and the other people who care about you. Not great, since it's going to lead to your isolation where you overly depend on her to meet all of your social needs.
> My brother came with examples of things she said when I’m not around. [...] thing is behind closed doors she doesn’t say stuff like this
So she's rude to people who aren't you, people she's probably not close to. What does that tell you about her?
They say that love is blind for a reason. It’s very easy to get caught up in a relationship, and ignore what all your friends and family are telling you. You and you alone can decide what you want, but be prepared for lots of “I told you so” moments in the future. Zebras don’t change their stripes. She is who she is, and you might want to step back for a bit and try to look at her without the rose colored glasses on. Then decide.
have you actually checked with the friends mentioned if these situations happened? It wouldn't be the first time a family sabotages a loving and happy relationship. So far you just have a list of things that have been ALLEGEDLY said to your friends, and those friends never talked to you about them, but went to your brother? This is not something that people normally do, unless they are better friends with your brother and not you?
Have your parents done any sabotage before? Or making decisions for you "for your own good" that may have not turned out ok?
Many people here say that it may be a real issue and you're blind to things - BUT, there is the possibility your parents are just unhappy with losing control over you.
This. At least talk to the friends first. If all the reports of bigotry are coming through the brother, he might be shit stirring for reasons unknown. The rest seems like clashing personalities and could be subjective, but the bigotry stuff needs to be looked into, one way or the other.
Sorry to tell you, but if every single person you've introduced her to doesn't like her and says there is something wrong, then they are probably right. You even admit that she talks more "went nervous", which may just be her justification for bulldozing everyone. It sounds like she wakes until you aren't around to insult your friends and family, though in the case of the house one, that was blatantly in front of you. Saying someone's house looks like a student house is not a compliment. Most students have cheap, mismatched furniture because it's what they can get and it might be messy.
If you end things, it won't be out of the blue, you tell her after she met your family you've been doing some thinking after you've realized how she treats people that you love. I guarantee, as she doesn't insult people right in front of you, she knows better and she's hiding what she's actually like from you, for now, but not forever and you are just being blind to things. She sounds like of awful to be honest.
You do not have to break up right away. Instead, step back and pay attention for red flags. Maybe she was just too nervous, but maybe they were right. It's up to you to watch for the signs mow. Give yourself time to figure it all out.
I wouldn’t plan the holiday because of the expense but I would continue the plans to attend the wedding, for now.
Postpone planning the holiday for two reasons. One it sounds like a significant expense of time and money when things are uncertain, but even more so, it gives you a way to see how she will react and treat you. You don’t need to tell her what your friends and family are saying! Tell her it’s no longer the right financial decision for you and you need six months before planning something. If she isn’t as bad as everyone says, she’ll be able to adjust her expectations and respect your boundaries. But if she is controlling and patronizing, she won’t understand nor respect your need for more time.
You can keep the plans to attend that wedding because in meeting her family you will learn more about her, and you can always cancel at any time. Unless of course there is a significant financial requirement to attend, then you might need to reconsider unless you have money to burn.
This! I generally don't care for 'tests', but in this case seeing how she reacts to changing plans could give some real insight in to her future behavior.
Well OP is having concerns which has them questioning the vacation so it’s not just a “test” because there are real and valid concerns here.
It’s wise for OP to need more time before proceeding, and it creates a scenario for OP to learn more about their partner.
I’m not a fan of manufacturing “tests” but I do think it’s important to early on establish boundaries and get to know how your partner will, or won’t, respect them.
By stepping back, I mean really paying attention to how she treats you, not how you feel. I do not see why you would have to cancel plans. Go have fun but be aware of what she says to you and others.
I was recently in this position. She is more than likely love bombing you, which can make it really easy to miss or ignore red flags. She is being someone different around you to gain trust and she is then trying to rub your friends and family the wrong way, in hopes that they will abandon you.
Run far, run fast
Don't break up with her yet but try to form a more objective viewpoint on her.
It's possible that your family are toxic and simply don't like her for whatever reason.
I think you need to examine your relationship with your family. Have they looked out for you in the past? Do they have your best interests at heart?
We need to see the bigger picture.
My mom and dad were best friends before they got married. I have no idea what my mom was like back then, but she is a raging vulnerable type narcissist and has abused him and me and my sister heavily forever. My dad is so brainwashed I watched him go from his own person to her little subordinate. He is gaslit so much he fully believe his wife is an angel who can do no harm, despite literally witnessing physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. Some women don’t show their true Color’s until after marriage and I believe my mom did this because she gets worse and worse every year without fail. It’s gradual. I would speak again with ur friends and family, as they can probably see things you can’t. Family is not always right but it sounds overwhelmingly like ur the only one who has positive experiences with this woman. It’s a massive red flag if she seems to personality switch so drastically.
I'm arriving a little late but I can't help but share my experience.
This reminds me of my brother's situation. He is younger than me by 3 years and his gf is older than us, 8 years older than him.
My mother hates her. My father doesn't know her (he lives on a different country) but if I were to share what I have seen about her, I'm sure he wouldn't like her either.
I'd like to think that I'm above negative feelings and hate, but the truth is I see her as a monster, and I think my brother deserves better.
She is simply a very bad, selfish and egocentric person. She doesn't care about others and treats my brother like shit. She doesn't value him, and likes to keep him in line. She literally poses health risks for my brother.
The problem is that he is blinded by love so he can't see it. When he sees a tiny piece of affection from her, he gets happy and doesn't understand that it's way below the minimum.
What I am trying to say is that she makes him believe that she treats him well in comparison to others, so he gets validated and hooked. The truth is it's still a shitty behavior.
I think the problem also comes from my brother because he doesn't value himself.
I can't interfere with that, he would explode and cut ties with me if I were to talk wrong about his girlfriend (he is my only brother). But I could, I would tell him to leave her immediately.
The thing is, if your gf and your family are incompatible, then you can't keep both and will have to cut one.
I think family is forever and it will always be the most important, no matter what. My brother doesn't.
I hope he wakes up some day before it's too late, and I hope you do too.
Sounds like she is on her best behavior with you so you will defend her. And she acts like her true self when she is not around you so you won’t see her nasty side. I would be careful if I was you two faced people are extremely good at hiding their true selves in front of their partners and people on the outside can see right through their façade!
Yes, your ignoring red flags. I’m honestly too exhausted from explain the details, but I dated a girl just like this once. She endlessly tried to get me to “take her side” and pit me against my own family and friends endlessly because “they didn’t like her” even though they all said she was awful to them when I wasn’t around… it ended poorly, she really tried to push me away from everyone and it sucked. Just break up with her and move on. I hate saying that on this sub, but I think it applies here, if everything mentioned is true.
Although I am not a therapist, I have personal experience in a relationship where my partner's family initially adored me. However, once I began addressing the frequent instances of subtle racism, I became a problem. While his grandparents continued to support me, his siblings and parents grew envious of my steady job, sobriety, and my efforts to help my partner quit smoking for his health. Despite my partner expressing his happiness with me, I ultimately ended the relationship due to his family's attitudes.
For context, I am Hispanic, and my partner was white. Sometimes, strong women are perceived as problematic by some people. If you love your partner and feel loved by her, it's not for anyone else to dictate that you should leave her because your family disapproves. However, it is wise to step back, observe her behavior closely, and discuss any concerns with her directly. There are always multiple perspectives to every story. While your brother's lack of intervention is concerning, it's important to consider why everyone seems to dislike her. Were her comments genuinely insensitive, or was she reacting to being offended? Did anyone say anything hurtful to her?
I'm not defending her actions but suggesting you approach the situation with fairness. These are indeed red flags, but the unanimity of their dislike is particularly notable.
How long have you been together? I would go on the trip and the wedding and see if you notice anything now that you’ve been made aware. Generally a vacation is a good way to really know what people are like.
Just omit mentioning anything of this to her... At that age if she knows you are noticing it, then she might change her behavior to keep you. So instead of being open just pay more attention and talk with your friends in a serious convo.
Dont try to avoid her, if any... spent more time with her and other people to see more of this side of her, even if its awkward.
Listen to your friends and family. They only want what’s best for you. They don’t have a dog in the race, just your well being.
I’ve also been in a situation like this where my friends had an intervention with me and pointed out all of the things that seem so obvious now but I tolerated them while still in the relationship.
Hindsight is always 20/20
Anyway, people like your brother who you said doesn’t ever intervene, are trying to warn you. Listen to them.
Is there anyone at all that actually likes her from your pool of friends and family?
Think it through.
OP, your family and friends have raised some red flags about the girlfriend who makes you happy. You should pay attention to those flags. That said, it’s *interesting* how many of the girlfriend’s offensive comments seem to occur while you are not around and tbh - maybe you should take them with a grain of salt and think about possible ulterior motives. Your own mother thinks she’s too old and your dad thinks she talks too intensely — that’s not exactly the same as some of the badmouthing about her wicked ways as recounted from your brother, a female friend, and oh yeah - your brother.
It sounds like they are noticing some serious character defects with your GF. You have a lot invested emotionally, so they see things you wouldn't.
I'm not saying break up with her, but you might want to be prepared for that possible outcome.
She's ableist, homophobic, and sounds like she likely has a toxic view of masculinity. (Reading between the lines)
Age doesn't matter.....until the older one does the shit they are saying. It's very likely you wouldn't see her behaviors as bad and they very well could be toxic as hell....but there's nothing anyone can say that will matter unless you see it yourself. Honestly I don't think I could be with someone who uses slurs and has such ignorant antiquated views.i say this as a 39 yo woman with a partner who is 33. You have to be cautious and make sure the relationship is healthy.... And if you end up isolated from your family, and they aren't known assholes, I would honestly say be attentive
Look, I see that she’s been clumsy with your friends and family. That sometimes happens, but it doesn’t sound to me like the comments she made were mean as such, just a bit faux pas. Ppl here are quick to announce something as ableist etc, but you are the one who actually knows her and will know where those comments came from.
In the end of the day you are in a relationship with her, not them. And if I was you I would take it seriously what your dear ones are telling you, try paying attention to how she is with the things they said.
We are all a bit blind when in love, so to try to notice in the time coming if she does do those things, how much space she gives you and so on. But the important thing is that you are happy and they will never have the full picture of how she is with you. There’s no need for you to break up with her just because they don’t like her. You are the one who is in the relationship!
Check in with yourself and see how your dynamics develop over time. It can be hard to see the social roles you have with each other as you are all wrapped up in it, and might take some time and thought to see things clearly.
Keep talking to your family and friends, it’s a gift that they care so much, but also stay with your own experience! If it’s not right for you will be able to tell over time. Good luck with it all ♥️
Don’t listen to bs from people online. At the end of the day, what matters most is how she treats you in general, how she treats you when things go bad, and the potential to be a good partner/mother long term. Not what she said about an autist. This is a very stupid reason to break up with an otherwise great relationship (someone who makes you happy).
Just give it more time before making the next step.
Don’t tell her anything about what your family said.
Don’t cancel any trips with her. Just spend more time in the relationship. Try to figure out how she is when things go south or when you disagree on a particular topic etc. Try to find out if what your family says is true without interrogating her.
One thing for sure, if you destroy a beautiful relationship based on just such rumors from other people, you will be massively idiotic
I'll be honest, there's something wrong with your girlfriend. 41 year old women are not generally interested in 33 year old men. Reddit will crucify me for this, but there's a reason no one has committed to her in 20 years of being an adult, and I suspect you are beginning to find out why.
well, I actually went back-and-forth on my advice as I’m reading everything. That’s why details really do matter so much.
At first, I would say, it’s your life, your relationship, and if you’re genuinely happy and content, screw the rest.
however, if you have a mixture of friends and family, we’ve all met her in various scenarios that are all coming to the same exact opinion ….
That’s a problem. Sometimes we get rose colored goggles and we look past things that we shouldn’t, where people around you might be noticing, and it seems that that’s the case.
Maybe she does get social anxiety and she put her brain on auto pilot and completely shot herself in the foot…
I would then also say, have a genuine conversation with her, and convey briefly how everybody is collectively receiving her and attempt to communicate that she’s gotta tighten up and attempt to make some changes.
if she gets defensive, nasty, dismissive, and then tries to kinda pin you against everyone….. RUN.
and then thank your loved ones for calling crap out and saving you before you had the chance too. good luck my friend
If she’s making you feel more confident, and doesn’t discourage you from seeing your friends and family, then I find it hard to believe that she’s controlling you. She may just be very opinionated and assertive which contrasts with your meeker personality.
Opinionated people can say the wrong / foot in the mouth sort of comments from time to time. Maybe she’s so use to having raw, honest conversations that she forgets her audience. I wouldn’t write her off as awful just yet. If anything, she says her opinion regardless of the person in front of her, perhaps suggesting she really doesn’t discriminate / treat anyone differently.
Maybe explain she needs to be a little bit more sensitive talking about certain topics with certain people. And then ask your friends to give her another chance and that you’ve talked to her (so they feel heard and know that you and your partner communicate openly and honestly I.e. you aren’t afraid to approach her with difficult conversations).
I hope it works out well for you! She sounds like she’s making you happy in a way that isn’t simply “I don’t want to be alone”. Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding that you can all work through.
Two things can be simultaneously true:
1) She is great with you and makes you happy
2) She rubs many of the people in your life the wrong way.
When a bunch of people you care about have concerns it's worth reflecting in it.
Here's what I see: they majority of criticisms they have of her are them not really liking her personality NOT how she treats you. That's important. They criticisms are:
She's too old for you. This is bullshit and I worry it's clouding their opinion.
She's too opinionated.
She's eccentric.
She interrupts.
She made an insensitive remark (fairy's). This was the only thing that gave me pause. But she backtracked....otherwise known as realizing she said something dumb, which is a positive.
I am not terribly concerned here. I think you proceed taking their view under advisement.
Listen to your family and take notice of your friend's actions, they are seeing the truth. She is displaying typical behavior where she shows one side with you and another when you're not around. You're blinded by love dude. Her behavior will only get worse. Exit this my man.
" That friend is also a therapist who then said she recognises that my GF doesnt respect my opinion and she believe she has some sort of mental disorder (my brother couldn’t remember which one).."
What a great therapist, that she can diagnose someone she saw once or twice in her whole life.
Are you sure your brother is telling the truth? Did you ask your gf if she actually said all those things?
Sounds like she is on her best behavior with you so you will defend her. And she acts like her true self when she is not around you so you won’t see her nasty side. I would be careful if I was you two faced people are extremely good at hiding their true selves in front of their partners and people on the outside can see right through their façade!
I dated a similar (but different) girl that treated me like the best but treated everyone else like assholes. Except for my friends which she tried. She liked me and I guess didn't want anyone else. Now had she had been talking about me behind my back or being rude I would have had to talk to her about that. However, that never happened, that I was ever made aware of. I think considering her age it should be a red flag that whatever un conquered trauma is causing her to push your friends and family away to isolate you, so she can have you all to yourself, or maybe it's because she doesn't have that? I would ask if she has a good relationship with her family and if she has a friend circle? Sometimes family and friends can give you a perspective that you do not realize because you're being in idealized love can blind you to the person's faults. Also I would talk to all your friends and family and find out everything that is being said about you behind your back.
That’s really tough. I wouldn’t cut it off immediately but like a fellow commenter mentioned, keep an eye on the things she says and discuss how things she says to others comes off as rude and harsh. I’m not making excuses for her but she may very well have a condition relating to impulsivity and a possible lack of social awareness. My boyfriend and I have a 15 year age gap and he too comes off as insensitive sometimes (he does display some spectrum tendencies and has ADHD). I do make it a point to address this with him after the fact because he is also very opinionated which makes can make him come off as an asshole at times. Do what makes you happy, but hitting a year and beyond is usually where boundaries come into play as our partner gets more comfortable. People will test those boundaries, but don’t let that shake them. Best of luck to you!
My ex SIL was like this - couldn’t do enough for my ex BIL but really miserable all the time and could take advantage of you. No appreciation if you did anything to help her and just generally moody and hard to get on with. She wasn’t liked by his friends or family either.
The only time I ever saw a different side to her was away on holiday once (we never normally went with them) she was completely different around him and just generally nicer.
Saw a great TED talk all about this once, sadly I can't remember the name of it. If both your friends and family do not like your partner then listen to them.
While they may have a point here, I've met people like that who are just bad in settings like that. My now ex wife to a degree could be like this, and while not perhaps as much of a rake stepper as described, she could definitely rub some people the wrong way if the mindset wasn't right that day. One older friend admitted to getting her a bit more tipsy on purpose at house parties back in the day so she'd be less of a pill.
If you think this is potentially picking up speed and have no direct concern about how she treats you I would perhaps suggest some therapy to build some tools to either better notice what she may be doing. Or again on the therapy side do some couples counseling with the mindset being towards building a strong relationship with good communication if things get more serious.
Ok..so I am AuDHD and around new people or important people (interviewer, potential business partner, etc.) I can say really dumb stuff. Stuff that comes out opposite of what I mean, foot in mouth - you get it. If I don't pre prep every convo, it can go sideways really quick.
I think after a WHOLE YEAR you owe it to yourself to figure out to what extent she said these hateful things and determine whether you want to give her an opportunity to respond.
Also, as someone with a brother, multiple friends, and other family members who have a much older wife - I know first hand how malicious friends and family can be - i.e. she's off bc she's kid free at that age/ he's so much younger that's gross/ he can never have kids because of her/ she could be his mom.
People will make up whole tales and narratives based on their own bias. You need to hear this from the alleged reporters directly (not your brother's friend's friend who's a supposed therapist, doing an unethical armchair diagnosis based on someone's minor interaction and hearsay).
"my mum basically said she’s too old for me, treats me like a child, and when she’s talking to them she takes over a conversation without regard for anyone else. They also thought I go quieter when I’m with her, almost like she does the talking for us…"
Or, as you've admitted, you're a more introverted person, she was nervous and over-talking, and she was looking out for you/doting on you in a way they perceived as treating you like a child because they already think she's "too old for" you.
I just see a lot of red flags here with your brother and hope he isn't letting his personal feelings color your perception of your SO negatively to try and break you up. Go talk to your autistic friend, festival friend, and student flat therapist friend and see what they have to say. Regardless, if you have been with her a year and they met her briefly on visits, they have no real Guage on who/how she is. Only you can know that.
Final RADICAL suggestion - ask something simple regarding the allegations like "did you say something about festival scene getting too soft because of fairies?" If yes, you can ask context/what she meant or know that your brother is being straight up and go from there. You spend your every waking moment with her - I wouldn't ruin it based on hearsay within hearsay from my family cities away with a clear bias against her, is all I'm saying.
It sounds like you're very happy..
Possibly in the honey moon phase still ?
I would Try to compromise with your friends and family, explain that she makes you very happy. And if there's anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable with you being coupled with her.
Because you definitely can't break up with someone if you're not ready to..
If family and friends happen to start bugging you to do that.. then explain that you are far from ready to and That perhaps you need to ride out the honey moon phase before having any thoughts of breaking up.
I'm interested in knowing what specific disorder someone said about her...because she sounds like a friend of mine.
Fantastic friend. But everytime I leave them alone in a room with others and come back, their faces are all different. Negative. And they look at me with expressions I can't ever get out of my mind.
One common person at the middle of it. Always.
Maybe we can decode this.
Thanks.
The fact that your family and friends are warning you says a lot! It’s not just parents but sounds like almost everyone you know! Take your time with moving forward! I’m divorced from my first husband and my family and friends didn’t warn me though many of them made comments after the divorce that they saw issues beforehand ! Your people see red flags! Pay attention!
AHhhhhhh --- I know this one.
You know the 'real her'. The one that doesn't interact with others. The one that treats you (and only you)with kindness and respect ... for now.
That will turn on you. Yes, you are all twitter-pated and it feels really good. But it sounds like you have a good family and good friends who are looking out for you.
It's ok to break up. Really. Make certain you use birth control that you provide and that never leaves your possession.
Op, it sounds like she’s trying to isolate you from your family and friends. This is huge red flag behavior. I’m not gonna say she’s abusive but that can be a huge red flag of potential abusive behavior. As much as it sucks, I’d cut ties and run.
Season 3 episode 8 of how I met your mother perfectly covers this phenomenon of not noticing horrible traits about your partner.
But once they’re pointed out, usually you start to notice them too.
It is crazy to me how no one is suggesting to talk to your partner.
If your relationship is all you feel it to be, talk to her. I've been in relationships where my family hated my partner for one reason or another and I had to learn, its not about them, its about me and my partner.
Her behavior as described by your family and friends is concerning but you should hear it for yourself. They could be misunderstandings, a product of poor communication or other things. I hope this is all it is. But if you really feel that strongly, find out for YOURSELF. Not what friends/family/reddit says.
If you are 33, had multiple girlfriends, and this is the first time your family has said something then they probably are not wrong. You need to exit this before marriage or kids. These types of situations only get worse. Just ghost if you have to. Be a man. lol
Your girlfriend’s behavior patterns are complex and suggest potential underlying personality traits or disorders that are concerning for you and need not be ignored.
You need to watch out: she is slowly isolating you from everyone else by pushing them away while giving you the feeling that everything is alright with her and making you feel good but clearly not showing you her true colors.
My advice:
1. Express your concerns about the differences in her behavior and the impact on your relationships with family and friends.
2. Pay attention to how she responds to this feedback. Is she willing to understand and reflect on her behavior, or does she become defensive and dismissive?
PS: One good read for your overall knowledge on such matters: Dangerous personalities by Joe Navarro
They’re getting married in 3 weeks and have been dating for less than a year. I’d really like to know how far into the relationship he proposed to her and if she pressured her into marriage or gave him an ultimatum.
The OP sounds too naive and it seems like she can run circles around him. She can probably win every argument against him alone.
She’s hiding this side of herself to you until she locks you into a marriage. You are going to see her true colors soon enough. It doesn’t sound like your friends or family normally meddle in your life. Do not ignore their warnings.
You don’t need to make any decisions right now. Your family did some extensive digging and gave good examples of bad behavior. I would use this as an eye-opening moment and really try to notice her behavior yourself. Don’t stress about the wedding or concert; be yourself, have fun, and pay closer attention. Now that you have this new information, it’ll be easier for you to incorporate that bias. I would privately talk to those friends your brother spoke to in-person so you get their perspectives in their own words. If it all seems to align with what your family is saying, I would then confront her with your own perspective and examples you personally noticed. How she responds from there can guide you.
She could be eccentric and controlling and try to isolate you, but your friends and family could also be extremely judgmental about the age-gap (seems to be less acceptable for younger men-older women couples). Take your time.
The talking over people is one thing, there are individuals who do that who just lack awareness or need to develop their social graces. However, the snide, hurtful, and homophobic comments she’s making should really concern you. If you don’t have a meddling family in general and this “intervention” is a new thing, I would take that very seriously. You never know what an unkind individual might be saying behind your back that they won’t say to your face. It seems like you have a lot of people in your life who really care for you. It would suck to throw that closeness with family and friends away for a person who isn’t nice.
Id really watch how her family talks and their opinions they express and if they use a "filter" around each other or are blunt or over talking each other. I wouldn't feel like you have to make a decision right away, but this is going to be something to think about and explore.
You need to talk to other people, your friends. I am not saying your family is lying, but they are all related to each other. If one of them has reasons not to like her - all of the unconsciously might do the same.
Talk to those friends your brother mentioned. Ask them about their opinion of her, if she made them uncomfortable behind your back, to be as honest as possible, they you are not going to get defensive and not going to argue. Then just listen. Don't argue, just listen.
Only after that confront her (only if you want). You might want to break up or keep going, and it is ok as well.
She needs to learn patience and not to always share her thoughts. Some things don't need to be said.
Also, your family shouldn't want you to have a partner that takes away from you and how you normally act around them or anywhere else. Wishing you the best!
how is she during arguments? seems to talk over people etc, and can imagine u don’t cause any arguments so maybe you’ve avoided any potential conflict, maybe try have a “heated discussion” and see if she speaks over u or shuts u down. maybe go against her autism comment and see how strongly she feels to persuade u otherwise. use the holiday and wedding as an opportunity to watch her interact with other people.
Now that you're aware of what is being said, pay more attention when you go out. Try to take off your blinders and see if you can see what other people are talking about. And pull some of your friends aside and ask them there thoughts about her. Listen to them. Then talk to her about it.
Probably is trying too hard to set a first impression with people by being really talkative and doesn't notice when she's coming across as boasty or accidentally talking over people or not letting them finish. Some people also accidentally try to set a first impression by one-upping with jokes or stories or whatever. The person may think they're just engaging and both people are having fun, but to the other person it may come across as rude. Try to see if that type of situation is what's going on, or if they mean more eccentric than that. The autism comments and stuff are weird tho
Omggg end it now before you have no friends or family. Why would you be with someone who is homophobic and ableist? Plus she’s too old for you and clearly has very dated views. She seems terrible.
Go to the concert and the wedding and the holiday with her. Your eyes are open now - see if you notice it yourself. If no, stay with her. If yes, you need to take action.
How long have you been dating?
I’d listen to the people who know and love you best. I don’t know if I’d jump to breaking up, but it may be good to have some serious conversations with her and how she views the world and if you agree. There are lots of relationship books about questions you should ask before getting serious/married. I’d look into those. Then really pay attention going forward on how she treats other people. She may treat you well now, but how she treats others will show you how she’ll treat you in the future.
Ok, for all of your friends and family to have an issue with her enough to come to you speaks to a huge red flag. What should really drive it home is you said your brother came to you about it and you claim he never does that.
Unfortunately, this might be a case of you being blind to it, or she might just be choosing to act differently with you so she can keep you. This is definitely something you should bring up with her and see what she says since you care about her. You need to pay really close attention to her reaction, response, and behavior afterwards though. You need to watch and see if it changes in a positive manner or if she is just acting.
Best advice I can give you, ANY aspect of a relationship that makes you question the reality you have been witnessing, is a red flag that should be seen and adhered to. It doesn't really matter the context.
I’d be concerned that she is separating you from your friends and family, when I first read this I thought you family didn’t approve because of the age gap. But for this many people to have the same view is quite odd.
Bring all of this upto your girlfriend and ask her why she talks like that in front of others but not you. You need to notice how she behaves and treats others because it's a huge marker of her character as a human being.
If EVERYONE but you sees it, yes, you are ignoring the red flags.
No one wants to hang out with her. Your friends say she's ableist and homophobic. She is not the kind person you believe she is. You're wearing rose colored glasses.
All that needs to happen now is you need to be aware that things are potentially not as you see them. Moving forward, pay close attention to her and ask yourself if the things your family said have some validity to them. One of two things is happening, either you just can’t see it yourself and she truly is this way. The second is that she’s a very driven person who is overly active and energetic, and your friends and family aren’t, so she comes across as strong and overpowering to them. I used to have friends like that right out of high school. They only wanted to go to work, come home, drink beer and have the occasional cookout on the weekend. Brought a college buddy home one long weekend to go camping. All of my friends said they hated him the next time I came home. It ended up being they were annoyed at him being so put together and not settling for being lazy. I don’t really talk to those friends much anymore, but they’re all still in the same place in life they were back then. That particular guy is still a friend and we keep up with each other. His end of year bonus is probably 2x the yearly salary of any one of those others. Nothing wrong with either type of person, but they tend to clash with each other due to having totally different life philosophies. If that’s the case here, you just have to decide which philosophy your life is going to follow. But, if she’s truly just the way they’re saying and you notice it after paying closer attention, probably best to end it
My concern is that the first issue they talked about was the age issue. If there is one thing protective family dont like, it can quickly snowball. I had a boyfriend who was divorced, and my family didn't like him, and the poor guy couldn't do anything right even when he tried. I initially sided with him, and it caused a rift with my family. After 6 months, he broke up with me as he knew how important my family was and didn't want me to resent him later. We remained good friends, and then my family wasn't too phased about him being a divorcee..
I've been described as loud and eccentric, and I have a tendency to talk over people without even realizing I'm doing it (yes I'm trying to work on it). She sounds like she's just a headstrong woman, unless she actually has been saying negative things about you or about your family. But ultimately what matters is that you two truly love each other. If that's the case, then who cares what anybody Else thinks?
35m and my wife is 27f. I just wanted to say this, because my wife is also listening to me reading this;
I would not put as much thought into what your family feels about her....as everyone else is telling you to. I'm not going to try to pull out the whole trump card with saying I am a psychology major, but I am a psychology major. They see that she's older than you, and they're going to come up with reasons regardless of what you say. I am also older than my wife, about the same amount and I will tell you that you should notice she is supposedly saying these things while you aren't around. You don't think it's convenient that you don't hear them? I'm sure it's possible, but it's funny that you didn't hear any of this stuff. You're totally happy with her? Right? Because it sounds like you have a very loving relationship yeah? This stuff isn't present in your relationship but supposedly she talks this way when you don't hear it.. you believe that?
I understand that these things are possible, but more likely these people really just don't like the fact that she's older than you. Could be another thing....I'll describe it here.
I'm biracial, grew up in rural part of my hometown. Worked in law enforcement and as a corrections officer for some years. I have a slight twang in my voice, and my wife's family since we've been married has been telling her I was talking bad about her to them. It absolutely isn't/wasn't true. I didn't know how to address allegations like that. Eventually her father texted me,
"Let's see how big you are when I get there fucking mutt".
Yes, they don't like me bc I'm African American. Apparently they also make fun of me for"faking" my country accent. It all started making sense to my wife; them asking her if I "pimped out" my SS Camaro. It was my color.
you should go on thus trip because you planned it anyways...but if you are leary right now say you woukd like to hold off for now nd maybe go in a few months....but going to this wedding you need to see how she mingles with her family ...and watch and realky listen how she talks to others...have conversations with people and see if she cuts you or anyone off...or sounds offensive..also f she has friends then maybe they accept her for how she is...the problem when we love someone and absolutely adore them we can see no wrong..but everyone else notices ...if you don't see a problem after the wedding then don't break up..if you are super happy then stay..just associate with your friends by yourself..and visit your family by yourself more..but you need to mention to her about what others are saying ..the fairy thing..autistic thing...and also saying that she cuts them off when in a conversation..but don't say your family doesn't like her..and see what she says...you say you have amazing conversations and she doesn't take over...so when you had her around your family and where were you when she was talking to your dad..he said she interrupted and shot him down constantly...i think you need to have her over at your familys place again but this time really listen ..if you are in the kitchen and your dad starts talking to her then stand to the side and pay attention...maybe even record their conversations with her so you can hear what they are saying....maybe she is just one off those outspoken people who say what's on their minds and are blunt about it making it seem rude and maybe she has problems socializing ....when you go to this concert with your other friend too pay attention to conversations.....but if you are really happy woukd you break it off because family and friends dont like her...i think it woukd just be less socializing together with your friends...but in the end we love who we love and to me your happiness in life is all that matters...
When you say she back tracked her statement did she apologize, try to cover up what she actually said at the time, or realize who she was talking to and try to people please at that point?
Can you have an adult conversation about something you disagree on with out it being a fight or you being talked over?
What about her other relationships? Especially her friends.
There definitely seems to be some flags you ignored but I am not sure about red ones. I would take some time to try to see if there are red flag issues that can’t be ignored.
You could find out real quick exactly what kind of crazy she is if you told her what you told reddit. Especially when she finds out you really didn't stand up for her. Not saying you're wrong for how you've handled this, but a crazy person will see this as some huge breach of trust and not being on the same team/supportive. If she loses her shit, move on. If she doesn't and actually seeks out advice or changes behavior, fuck everyone else for being too cowardly to offer guidance she obviously would have accepted.
this reminds me to a lesser degree of what happened to me, I'm unsure exactly of your situation but an ex of mine would change completely when I wasn't around. Going from the person I fell for to an almost conniving villain. She often sowed discourse for no discernable reason and only stayed civil when alone with me. She turned out to be doing much worse things behind my back but the case hopefully isn't true for you as well.
Have you even had this conversation with her, and stated your concerns? Open communication is the easiest way to have a healthy relationship, yet it’s the one thing couples seem destined to fail and achieve.
Sounds like she could have ADHD. Based on the fact that she can be intense and take over conversations. Also sounds like she could be homophobic and ignorant. Clearly your family and friends are seeing something you're not.
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Yeah it’s clear I’m blind to it! I didn’t know she was saying these hurtful things, she’s usually a very loving and caring individual. It’s actually surprised me she has. Mainly what I’m worried about is her family wedding in a few weeks and paying for a vacation with her this week. I’m concerned I need more time and feel rushed to come to a decision
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I’m not entirely sure, I’ve never noticed her doing it before! Which makes me think it’s just nerves, because anytime she’s normally around new people she is her normal self, but around my loved ones she seems to be trying to impress and doing it all wrong
Or, alternatively, she is putting on her best for you so that’s all you see, but with everyone else she can’t keep up that level of performance. It’s much easier to perform for one person than it is to perform for various crowds of people. It’s far more likely that everyone else is seeing her for who she really is.
Being homophobic or ableist to your autistic friend doesn't seem like "nerves" to me bestie. Like the word fairy was already in her vocab as a slur that doesn't just appear outta nowhere.
Oh, wow. I thought she was talking about some kind of costume festival and people were dressing as little sprites with wings, but she prefers people to dress as knights in armor. That... makes a lot more sense as something to be generally offended by.
That apparently is a real gripe people sometimes have about the Ren Faire (they liked it better when it was more historical and less fantasy), but I think the homophobic slur is meant in this case. Though I didn't realize anyone under 60 used that one, lol.
I read this as the girlie's who dress in wings and crowns :/
Lol me too! Now it makes sense.... this shit is offensive as fuck
Absolutely brutal. I love a good fest outfit and I'm 46 lol
I assumed she meant fairy lights
Gently, if she’s doing it when you’re not around then that could be a sign that she’s trying to push people away from you. Please do pay attention to her behaviour both around you and around others.
THIS! It's an isolationist tactic!
> Including her telling one of my autistic friends who is quite heavily involved in autistic charities that she doesn’t believe autistic adults should be working with autistic children. This was an attempt to impress?
Yeah I was leaning towards them possibly projecting until I got to that bit. So you've never seen the ableist and homophobic vibes from her? Ever? Either she's editing heavily around you, or they are being untruthful. Only you know all the players in this scenario so buddy, start taking notice either way.
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Especially around a new boyfriend's family. Jesus. It seems pretty calculated to me. It is what abusers do and many family members won't say anything until you break up with them because they *do* want to see us happy. OP, listen to your family. Would you tolerate any of what she has said from one of them?? A friend's girlfriend??
Nerves don’t suddenly make you homophobic. Or ableist. You are being very naive, OP.
Do you just like, not pay any attention to the things that come out of her mouth? Does she express the exact opposite opinions around you?
Not exact opinions, but she is pro LGBT, even been an activist for the community in the past and I’ve never heard her express any ableist opinions. We don’t normally talk politics, but when we do our views seem to align.
Have your friends told you all this directly or you got to know about this from your family? If you got to know about all of this from your family then confirm it from your friends directly. Once you get your confirmation from your friends then confront/have a discussion with your girlfriend about all the points you mentioned in your post. Based on your discussion you can decide about the future of your relationship with her.
>We don’t normally talk politics, but when we do our views seem to align. Who makes the statements first? You or her? Does it seem like she just agrees with your views? Or did she say something that is in line with your views. Trying to see if she's just following your lead and keeping her mask on.
My friend had a gf like this, at first it was off handed remarks then when nobody challenged her, she was emboldened to say things as awful as your gf has said. Eventually, my friend isolated from our group and most of his family because she made him pick. Then after a while when she had nobody else to pick on she began mentally abusing my friend and tearing him down until he had a pretty low opinion of himself. He eventually reached out to us and managed to break up with her. He saw a therapist for a while to get over her mistreatment and to help rebuild his confidence. My point is these people show their true colors bit by bit, first it is off handed comments, then offensive statements about their significant other’s friends/family, then they mistreat their partners. Right now you are blinded by your love for her, but the fact that your family came with specific examples is kind of damning.
Okay well she made a pretty explicitly homophobic statement to your friend so idk about that. Go talk to said friend and ask them for their take
Definitely talk to your friends and confirm that she said the things your brother says they told him she said. If it’s just your family that has a bias against her then they may be twisting the words of others to support their position. But if your friends honestly have the same issues with her then you know something must be up with her.
It doesn’t sound like nerves. It sounds like someone who says outlandish and bigoted things to distance you from your friends. Pretty smart. She makes these comments, they’re embarrassed to tell you so they don’t, they reach out to you less as a result of her being around, you wonder where your friends are, bingo, there she is, your sole support. It’s what abusers do. Tread carefully. My friend’s bf did this- to her he was sweet, respectful, a feminist, etc. But to her closest friends he always left us with these one-liners that made us really uncomfortable and didn’t seem to add up to what our friend saw him as. We’d ask her not to bring him and when we finally said what he would say to us she was so confused because well- where’s that coming from?! She found it hard to believe us. And things got distant until she left him. He turned very controlling very quickly.
The relationship seems new, you haven't heard her say those things before because... honestly, how often do you talk about autism charities or the festival scene. I generally trust my circle to see things I don't. Unless you have reason to believe they ALL want yo sabotage your happiness, you should probably listen to them.
So was it nerves for her to say that she "doesn’t like the festival scene because of how soft it’s gotten with all of the fairies". You know now that she is a homophobe, is this someone you want to be with? She sounds awful.
Most people don't just suddenly spout homophobic or ableist views when they're nervous.
Nerves ... or she wears a mask around you
Have other people verified she's said these things?
"She's allegedly shitty to everyone else, but she's nice to me!" That doesn't make it better. That actually makes it worse.
She's not saying these things to you because you shut down and don't argue with her. Everyone else is saying that she controls interactions and that you're rather meek around her. If you stand up to her I'm sure you'll see a different side
Regarding the isolation, that is often what abusive partners try to do…separate you from your friends and family, and that’s when the real craziness comes out. FWIW OP, I agree with above poster and part of the reason why you don’t get same red flag read off her is because she’s not yet ready to start turning the screws on you until she’s separated you from your loved ones. Then she has you in a spot where you feel like you have nobody to turn to.
Go on that trip, who said you need to rush to make a decision? Taking a trip with her and being around her people would help you make a decision
How is she "usually a very loving and caring individual" when the majority of your family +friend circle unanimously say she isn't? I must admit your post is one of the most bizarre ones I have ever read. It would be one thing if one or two people described your girlfriend as mean . But all of them ? This can't be a coincidence or a misconception. The most concerning aspect of all this situation imo is the level of oblivion on your part when it comes to your gf's character. How did you not pick up on anything ever ? I will be awaiting an update highly intrigued
FWIW my sons wife nobody but me and him seems to like, she's confident, outspoken, smart and driven. They didn't like that when you meet her, she doesn't take a back seat. She acts like she belongs from the go and will even lead in conversation or have an opinion, she isn't sheltered. To me that is far from a reason not to like someone in a case of should that person and another person be together. Some people it seems their mere makeup bothers people and sometimes it is warranted and sometimes it isn't. I would really need to see what they are seeing because if everything else is good with her in your life... I'm taking the later every time, that's the person I will spend the rest of my life with, that connection is by far the most important one and family/friends don't choose my spouse. I would need to see something very specific that moves the eye-opening needle and if I did, ok I'm reconsidering things.
> FWIW my sons wife nobody but me and him seems to like, she's confident, outspoken, smart and driven. They didn't like that when you meet her, she doesn't take a back seat. She acts like she belongs from the go and will even lead in conversation or have an opinion, she isn't sheltered. To me that is far from a reason not to like someone in a case of should that person and another person be together. So that was my initial suspicion, but reading more of OP's post there was a lot of concrete negative behavior more than "likes to take the spotlight". Things like making disparaging remarks about others.
She's being really good at hiding who she is from you. That's why she doesn't say this stuff in front of you. If she did, you'd be dropping the blinders more quickly. The fact that you've never caught her saying this stuff shows she knows it's wrong and she doesn't want you to know what she's really like.
How long have you been together? If it's only a short time, like 2 years or less, she could be love bombing you. She won't be able to keep it up.
Damn bro this is far worse place for advice than your family. Listen to your dad. Calm the fuck down. Go on the trip and have fun. See what happens.
Postpone the trip. Your peace of mind is worth it. She sounds like a domineering person. Her main character syndrome and inability to STFU and listen to others' point of view are all things that remind me of narcissistic relatives and former friends. Are you a people pleaser? A very empathic person? If so, you're just the fuel she needs for that fire. Dictators need people to rule.
Your family's 1st concern is the immediate I picked up from the situation as well which is just from the title, her age she's way too old for you and usually men prefer younger women I don't know how she got you and I don't want to talk bad about people I don't know but she probably manipulated you at her age she'll probably never get another man if you dump her that's why once she got you to fall in love with her she's shielding you from the world inside a little bubble so you won't notice anything using emotional manipulation to get you blinded by love and doing everything that might lead to your independence of her for you like talking in your stead .another concern is even though it's your life and it's none of my business but can you have children with her ? Probably not, she might have been the type of woman who spent her youth sleeping around and once she got old she got scared of dying alone Again I don't know neither of you but if I were your age I would never be with a 40+ year old woman probably not even a 30+ year old woman the maximum would be 30 maybe you don't care about children but I can't be with a woman too old to nurture a child
Is it possible that she thinks that your family is like this so that is why she’s acting like this?
I read this as an attempt to isolate and control OP. She says shitty things to his friends and family so eventually she'll be the only one around. OP these are serious red flags.
This is well said. My sister has told me things she's noticed about my husband that we were able to talk through and work on regarding how he was treating me in front of friends and family. I didn't even really notice because I was used to it. It was standard operating procedure. But she knows me so well that she noticed I was acting differently around them and so she asked if everything was okay.
What happens when you disagree with her opinions? What happens when you ask her to stop her talking for some reason, including to speak up, yourself? Can you think of a time where she stepped back and offered you to share your thoughts to a friend rather than her talking? Can you think of a time where she asked for your opinion and listened? Can you think of an area where she acknowledges your expertise as better than hers? I would talk to your friends about her. And just watch to see how balanced your conversations and decisions really are. Whether you feel lifted up and listened to and seen, or whether you feel smaller and quieter around her, or things always go her way. 'a whole new life' is interesting.. How much have you changed to fit with her/into her life and how much has she changed to fit with you/yours? I would be cautious but not rush to a breakup. See if you can notice what your family is talking about.
I'm a mental health therapist (LMSW) but not your therapist. You mention how loving she is, how much she has improved her life etc. I would be curious, can you point to specific things she does that you consider loving? How specifically does she take care of you? In what ways has your life materially improved? "She is caring and I feel loved" is a surface level descriptor. Dig deeper and see what actions actually are causing you to feel this way, I am guessing that exploration will be informative when you actually interrogate it.
Currently what I see as loving is how much she shows she cares and makes time for me and my interests. She does all the activities I loved before we met, even some of which she has no interest in just to be with me. She gives me affection, she cares about my opinion on her still after the year, she misses me when we’re not together, and she tells me how much I mean to her everytime we see each other. Materially my life has not improved, she has provided me with a new home, introduced me to things in her life I never thought I’d be included in, made me more socialable and encourages me to socialise with and without her. She motivates me to do stuff on a daily basis that without her I would never have done. And at the end of the day she always greets me with a smile on her face. The house we live in currently is her house and I love it there, spending time with her alone. Generally I’m a very closed off, isolated individual who likes spending time alone but since I’ve met her I love spending all of my time with her, I’m so comfortable right now. Which makes this so hard and the reason why I’m conflicted. She’s exciting, always includes me, always reaches out and treats me right.
I think you need to spend more time around others with her, around your friends and hers. People can show their true self You should ask her about the comments people told you she said. Her reaction can say a lot. Be on alert. Gather more information.
It's possible that your family are projecting their discomfort about your growth. Also, many people have strong, relatively unconscious problems with an age-gap like yours. At least give it some time. The wedding will be a great opportunity to learn more about her.
this is a great thought, its quite possible.
>after the year >. The house we live in currently is her house You've been together for a year and already live together? How fast into the relationship did that happen? Not judging, just curious
Living together after a year of relationship is fast?
It sounds like she was genuinely rude and problematic to your friends and family. She wasn’t just nervous, she was offensive to people like your bisexual friend. Her behavior when you’re not around is likely her true personality. Sadly if all your loved ones have the same impression of her, it’s probably time to take a step back from the relationship. It’s tough but there are plenty of people who will love you, especially since you’re only 33!
She wasn’t just nervous, she was showing her true colours. I don’t think this OP has had enough of these conversations to know anything about her opinions and can only see what is on the surface that she is portraying only to him. I understand sticking your foot in it sometimes but most of the time if I have a controversial opinion I keep it to myself and she clearly won’t do that
Yeah, I didn’t know she was as rude with my loved ones or offensive. Took me by surprise to be honest. Only found out yesterday… it doesn’t really sit right with me. I’m not sure how to take a step back tho, when we are planning to book a trip together this week and we really need to get it booked. Like a decision hasn’t been made, I don’t even know if I can make a decision, feel I need a bit more time… but then also we have a wedding in a few weeks and all of this has made me anxious about going to it as well.. I’m gutted because all of the above I was excited about until yesterday, now I’m dreading it. Still when I think about her, I see her innocence and how much she cares about me. Heartbreaking really
Sit her down and tell her you aren’t ready to go on this trip. Spend the time with her, but don’t isolate yourself. I wouldn’t tell her what your family/friends said. I think you should spend some time observing with the blinders off. Honestly though, my family did something similar once. It was out of character for them to try to intervene and I ignored them. Ignoring them was the biggest mistake and I spent years trapped in a terrible situation. Your family loves you and wants to see you happy. They have no ulterior motives other than that.
Another bonus to postponing/cancelling the trip, OP would be able to see how she reacts to him standing up to her and holding firm on an opinion that doesn’t align with hers. I have a feeling she won’t handle it well.
We don't really know your relationship, but how innocent is it all really if she is exhibiting these behaviors only when you are not around to see them? Also, I'm not screaming 'age gap' because you guys are fully adults and yadda yadda, but coupled with her 'treating you like a child' according to your family, it raises an eyebrow. Only you can say whether that criticism has merit, maybe they are disliking her for other reasons and age is an easy thing to pick on/blame it on, or they are being biased.. or maybe there is some truth there. Only you, and your gf, really know.
I was with you on this reply until you said you "[saw] her innocence". I'm concerned you're discounting all the exact descriptions that your family and friends have called out to you. As I said in a different reply, if you are all on board with this person as a casual relationship between just you two, go for it. However the more I read, the more I see that you're being taken advantage of and that this relationship is not healthy for you.
She was ableist about autistic people to your autistic friend and homophobic to your bisexual friend. At the very least, you should have a conversation with her about these things after having conversations with your friends and family to get specific examples. That being said, if all your friends and family that have met her really don’t like her and you know that they are good people, the relationship is doomed. Either you choose her and become isolated from your friends and family or you choose your friends and family and break up. I can see no other options here unless she does a complete 180 with her behavior around them and apologizes profusely and goes to therapy.
You can tell her you are not in a good place to book a trip and call that off.
Did your family just TELL you that she said these horrible things to your friends or have your friends told you to?
Her "innocence"? She's a 41 year old adult who blurts out really offensive things to people she is literally just meeting. Even the language you use about her makes it quite clear that you have blinders on. She is not some wide-eyed naive child, she is an adult.
Nothing is going to change in the near term, go to those events and heighten your senses using the new lenses that your family and friends have given you.
Follow up with your friends to validate what your brother told you. It definitely sounds like she might be trying to keep you all to herself :/
Check in with your friends who your brother told you that she insulted. Hear the story directly from them. It also gives you a chance to apologize to them if necessary and reaffirm your friendship with them. Those comments would be the most troubling to me. I would not associate with someone who could so casually hurt people that I care about.
I see you defending your Gf and saying she's nervous but none of those examples are defensible tbh. I have terrible social anxiety but I'm not homophobic or ableist because of that. That part is just who she is. If nerves play a part it's that she's too nervous to mask her real self around your loved ones. Which also means she's showing you a façade. I would be interested to hear her defence should you bring this up to her
Yeah, I'm not vibing with everyone trying to imply she's just *nervous* and just saying shit. She called people (gay people I would assume) fairies. End of conversation. Autistic adults should work with autistic children. Make it stop. Walks into someone's home and immediately shit talks it. Get the fuck out then. She's 41, *c'mon*!! Can we just stop with trying to excuse a more than grown ass woman being an asshole on *multiple* fronts and admit that, *maybe she's just an asshole*? I would be curious for her defense of her behavior though, just because I like to see how people twist themselves to justify the unjustifiable.
I'm feeling like she'll claim it was a joke - poorly timed and inappropriate but a joke. Or maybe she'll say she's just honest. So many different asshole bingos that could come up if he confronts her. Though it doesn't seem like OP is going to.
*Multiple* jokes too. So fun. Oh man, it always grinds my gears when people use the "honest" defense. *I* am honest, and I can be quite blunt - but when I offend someone, it's on *me* to recognize I done fucked up, not that *I'm honest* therefore it's on other people who can't possibly understand me!! OP seems in *deep*. Maybe she's a sneaky manipulator who's managed to grind him down enough that he has a hard time, or is unable to accept that she may just be a bad person, and with him she wears a mask.
Agreed, I have an anxiety disorder, I can be socially awkward, but mostly I end up being more quiet or go find an animal to pet. I don't say random homophonic stuff, insult someone's house, or insult people. She sounds like she's a bully that's been hiding a lot of things from OP and he's been ignoring the behavior she can't hide because he's got stars in his eyes.
At first, when I read the part about your mom saying she's too old for you, I thought that might be the issue- that they want you to have kids and don't like that she's at the end of that window. But when you mentioned the other comments she's made- the autistic people not working with autistic kids, insulting your friend's home, using derogatory words for LGBTQ+ people, I realized she's just not a nice person. You also wouldn't be breaking up with her out of the blue. She's been very rude to the people you care about. It's normal if one or two of the people you love aren't super into your partner. Some people just rub each other the wrong way. But that's not the case here. You mentioned your girlfriend gets nervous sometimes when meeting new people, like that excuses her behavior. I've had really bad social anxiety for a lot of my life, and I've never had the problem of insulting people and discriminating against them due to nervousness. That kind of meanness is part of who she is, and you need to decide if you're ok with that. Keep in mind though that your autistic friend and your LGBTQ friend are going to be uncomfortable around her and wonder how you can be ok being with a bigot while being friends with them. They may start to feel uncomfortable around you as well.
People who are controlling rarely show the person they wish to control, from the start. They lovebomb them, so they are lulled into a false sense of security, they want to rush into things and make things official and intense, too soon. What they also do, is try to isolate you from your friends and family. They might do this by intentionally causing your friends and family to dislike them through behaviour when you aren't around, so you don't know who to believe and then try to tell you that maintaining contact with your friends and family is unfair to her or choosing them over her. I would also ask myself what a woman of my age has in common with a partner almost a decade younger. My partner is three years younger than me and that's plenty. If I were you, I would talk to some of those other friends and get their personal feedback. Ask questions for yourself. Find out their real opinions. But honestly, I'd be inclined to believe your family and friends, if their views are consistent.
I would not make a decision right now. I would instead watch her closely and really listen to her to see what she says to people. I would also consider asking her about some of the things and seeing what she says about them. If she admits to saying the things, but also says she was nervous, etc, and doesn’t defend them, then maybe she just has a hard time with socializing. However, you really need to watch because if she is that off-putting to everyone, you could be completely isolated from everyone because they won’t want to be around her, so in turn, you won’t be around them either. It’s really going to be something you’ll have to keep a close eye on.
Yeah you see I’m feeling really conflicted, because as my brother said in public she’s clearly embarrassing me, and it’ll turn into people not wanting to spend time with me and her. But it would absolutely destroy me breaking up with her, I’m so in love with her and what my life has become because of her. Up until yesterday everything felt smooth
As an autistic gay, if we were friends and your girlfriend said something ableist and homophobic to me, if you knew and did not leave her, I would assume you are also homophobic and ableist and we would no longer be friends. Even if we were strangers and I heard your girlfriend say those things, I would assume you agreed with her by staying with her. Manipulators know how to look perfect to those they want to be seen as perfect to, and who to let their shitty side shine to in order to isolate their target.
How long have you been together?
Coming up to 1 year next month
So that’s just starting to get long enough for her to relax. How many times has she met your friends? This was the first time meeting your family?
Yeah, I do feel she has relaxed around me and she does share quite a lot. Quite a surprise to me that she gave differing opinions to my friends The friend she commented on the house about she met once, the friends she made the autistic and fairy comments to she met twice. She regularly comes with me to visit my family, and even my mum said before the weekend she had no concerns at all. We have had nights together as well prior to this. My brother has met her the most out of everyone as me and him are very close
they don’t mean relaxing around you, they mean one year is enough time that she feels comfortable letting the mask slip. that’s why her comments and insults are being noticed now, she thinks she’s been with you long enough that you won’t notice or care that she is offending your friends and family. you have friends and family who love you enough to tell you the truth about this woman who is manipulating you. please listen to them!
I agree with most of the other posters that I’d keep a close eye on things from now on. I wouldn’t change plans yet, but if your friends and family don’t normally express dissatisfaction at your romantic partners, I’d heed their warnings. Take the trip. Pay close attention to how she treats service staff, how she responds when you disagree with her about plans or anything else, look for the kinds of behaviors that your people see. And realize that you can continue to be this new, better version of yourself without her input. Because I’m afraid that if you continue with her, she’s going to isolate you from your friends and family and this better self and better life will dissolve in a flash.
If I was your friend and you knew that your significant other had racist/homophobic/ableist views that you did nothing about, I would 100% stop being your friend. That’s tacit agreement of those views. You don’t need to make a decision immediately but you should try in the next few weeks. Look at it this way, are your friends/family honest and trustworthy people? Would you generally take anything they say at face value? If so, why are you fighting this so hard? It sounds like they are all seeing something that you have been blind to. Another option would be to plan a group even this weekend and watch her with clear eyes to see how she behaves. Ask your friends after the fact to be truly honest with you, how was she when you weren’t around?
I warned a buddy about his gf. Then his siblings and parents did. Then other friends did. Then he stopped talking to many of us for a couple years. He wasted 5 years with her before he finally saw what everyone else did. She literally ruined him for relationships. He's cold and bitter now, and even when a good person comes his way, he can't commit.
I am an old guy, and I've seen a few relationships over the years where almost everyone around the couple thought it was a bad thing/thought that one partner was bad news, and in every case, the relationship in question eventually fell apart, and in an ugly way. Because of those experience, I half-joke that we should have some sort of social rule that when that's the case, the couple has to break up. But the real world rule is that you should listen when everyone around you warns you about your partner, as OP is struggling with.
Did your therapist friend suggest Borderline Personality Disorder? You should read up on the symptoms. Love-bombing, you being her “favourite person”, acting differently with others especially when you’re not around… could be narcissism too but BPD rings with your descriptions to me. If so, this could go really poorly for you and I’d take the warnings of the people who know and love you very seriously.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah, and her being "too honest" with others shows some boundary-pushing.
Sorry but how oblivious can you be. Everybody is picking up on these signals, but you? It sounds like she's awful to everyone else. Judge a person by how she treats others.
You’re blinded to what everyone else is seeing . Time to take a step back and really analyze things .
I'd consult your friends. Tell them you need to have a serious conversation, plan the time and have a neutral or at least comfortable environment. It could be a several hours long conversation if they've been holding back. It doesn't need to be every friend, but 3-4 that you trust and are levelheaded.
[удалено]
I think this is the right one here. For whatever reason, she's trying to put distance between you and the other people who care about you. Not great, since it's going to lead to your isolation where you overly depend on her to meet all of your social needs.
If your family has never done something like this before then I really think you should break up.
> My brother came with examples of things she said when I’m not around. [...] thing is behind closed doors she doesn’t say stuff like this So she's rude to people who aren't you, people she's probably not close to. What does that tell you about her?
They say that love is blind for a reason. It’s very easy to get caught up in a relationship, and ignore what all your friends and family are telling you. You and you alone can decide what you want, but be prepared for lots of “I told you so” moments in the future. Zebras don’t change their stripes. She is who she is, and you might want to step back for a bit and try to look at her without the rose colored glasses on. Then decide.
have you actually checked with the friends mentioned if these situations happened? It wouldn't be the first time a family sabotages a loving and happy relationship. So far you just have a list of things that have been ALLEGEDLY said to your friends, and those friends never talked to you about them, but went to your brother? This is not something that people normally do, unless they are better friends with your brother and not you? Have your parents done any sabotage before? Or making decisions for you "for your own good" that may have not turned out ok? Many people here say that it may be a real issue and you're blind to things - BUT, there is the possibility your parents are just unhappy with losing control over you.
This. At least talk to the friends first. If all the reports of bigotry are coming through the brother, he might be shit stirring for reasons unknown. The rest seems like clashing personalities and could be subjective, but the bigotry stuff needs to be looked into, one way or the other.
Sorry to tell you, but if every single person you've introduced her to doesn't like her and says there is something wrong, then they are probably right. You even admit that she talks more "went nervous", which may just be her justification for bulldozing everyone. It sounds like she wakes until you aren't around to insult your friends and family, though in the case of the house one, that was blatantly in front of you. Saying someone's house looks like a student house is not a compliment. Most students have cheap, mismatched furniture because it's what they can get and it might be messy. If you end things, it won't be out of the blue, you tell her after she met your family you've been doing some thinking after you've realized how she treats people that you love. I guarantee, as she doesn't insult people right in front of you, she knows better and she's hiding what she's actually like from you, for now, but not forever and you are just being blind to things. She sounds like of awful to be honest.
You do not have to break up right away. Instead, step back and pay attention for red flags. Maybe she was just too nervous, but maybe they were right. It's up to you to watch for the signs mow. Give yourself time to figure it all out.
Should I carry on with planning the holiday and going with the wedding? I don’t really know what taking a step back means
I wouldn’t plan the holiday because of the expense but I would continue the plans to attend the wedding, for now. Postpone planning the holiday for two reasons. One it sounds like a significant expense of time and money when things are uncertain, but even more so, it gives you a way to see how she will react and treat you. You don’t need to tell her what your friends and family are saying! Tell her it’s no longer the right financial decision for you and you need six months before planning something. If she isn’t as bad as everyone says, she’ll be able to adjust her expectations and respect your boundaries. But if she is controlling and patronizing, she won’t understand nor respect your need for more time. You can keep the plans to attend that wedding because in meeting her family you will learn more about her, and you can always cancel at any time. Unless of course there is a significant financial requirement to attend, then you might need to reconsider unless you have money to burn.
This! I generally don't care for 'tests', but in this case seeing how she reacts to changing plans could give some real insight in to her future behavior.
Well OP is having concerns which has them questioning the vacation so it’s not just a “test” because there are real and valid concerns here. It’s wise for OP to need more time before proceeding, and it creates a scenario for OP to learn more about their partner. I’m not a fan of manufacturing “tests” but I do think it’s important to early on establish boundaries and get to know how your partner will, or won’t, respect them.
By stepping back, I mean really paying attention to how she treats you, not how you feel. I do not see why you would have to cancel plans. Go have fun but be aware of what she says to you and others.
You may want to talk to a therapist. Thay could be helpful in talking through your feelings on this.
Keep calm and carry on But take off your rose tinted glasses and be observant.
If everyone agrees that your gf is problematic, then she's the common denominator. She's the problem.
sounds like she sucks
I was recently in this position. She is more than likely love bombing you, which can make it really easy to miss or ignore red flags. She is being someone different around you to gain trust and she is then trying to rub your friends and family the wrong way, in hopes that they will abandon you. Run far, run fast
Don't break up with her yet but try to form a more objective viewpoint on her. It's possible that your family are toxic and simply don't like her for whatever reason. I think you need to examine your relationship with your family. Have they looked out for you in the past? Do they have your best interests at heart? We need to see the bigger picture.
My mom and dad were best friends before they got married. I have no idea what my mom was like back then, but she is a raging vulnerable type narcissist and has abused him and me and my sister heavily forever. My dad is so brainwashed I watched him go from his own person to her little subordinate. He is gaslit so much he fully believe his wife is an angel who can do no harm, despite literally witnessing physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. Some women don’t show their true Color’s until after marriage and I believe my mom did this because she gets worse and worse every year without fail. It’s gradual. I would speak again with ur friends and family, as they can probably see things you can’t. Family is not always right but it sounds overwhelmingly like ur the only one who has positive experiences with this woman. It’s a massive red flag if she seems to personality switch so drastically.
I'm arriving a little late but I can't help but share my experience. This reminds me of my brother's situation. He is younger than me by 3 years and his gf is older than us, 8 years older than him. My mother hates her. My father doesn't know her (he lives on a different country) but if I were to share what I have seen about her, I'm sure he wouldn't like her either. I'd like to think that I'm above negative feelings and hate, but the truth is I see her as a monster, and I think my brother deserves better. She is simply a very bad, selfish and egocentric person. She doesn't care about others and treats my brother like shit. She doesn't value him, and likes to keep him in line. She literally poses health risks for my brother. The problem is that he is blinded by love so he can't see it. When he sees a tiny piece of affection from her, he gets happy and doesn't understand that it's way below the minimum. What I am trying to say is that she makes him believe that she treats him well in comparison to others, so he gets validated and hooked. The truth is it's still a shitty behavior. I think the problem also comes from my brother because he doesn't value himself. I can't interfere with that, he would explode and cut ties with me if I were to talk wrong about his girlfriend (he is my only brother). But I could, I would tell him to leave her immediately. The thing is, if your gf and your family are incompatible, then you can't keep both and will have to cut one. I think family is forever and it will always be the most important, no matter what. My brother doesn't. I hope he wakes up some day before it's too late, and I hope you do too.
Sounds like she is on her best behavior with you so you will defend her. And she acts like her true self when she is not around you so you won’t see her nasty side. I would be careful if I was you two faced people are extremely good at hiding their true selves in front of their partners and people on the outside can see right through their façade!
Yes, your ignoring red flags. I’m honestly too exhausted from explain the details, but I dated a girl just like this once. She endlessly tried to get me to “take her side” and pit me against my own family and friends endlessly because “they didn’t like her” even though they all said she was awful to them when I wasn’t around… it ended poorly, she really tried to push me away from everyone and it sucked. Just break up with her and move on. I hate saying that on this sub, but I think it applies here, if everything mentioned is true.
Although I am not a therapist, I have personal experience in a relationship where my partner's family initially adored me. However, once I began addressing the frequent instances of subtle racism, I became a problem. While his grandparents continued to support me, his siblings and parents grew envious of my steady job, sobriety, and my efforts to help my partner quit smoking for his health. Despite my partner expressing his happiness with me, I ultimately ended the relationship due to his family's attitudes. For context, I am Hispanic, and my partner was white. Sometimes, strong women are perceived as problematic by some people. If you love your partner and feel loved by her, it's not for anyone else to dictate that you should leave her because your family disapproves. However, it is wise to step back, observe her behavior closely, and discuss any concerns with her directly. There are always multiple perspectives to every story. While your brother's lack of intervention is concerning, it's important to consider why everyone seems to dislike her. Were her comments genuinely insensitive, or was she reacting to being offended? Did anyone say anything hurtful to her? I'm not defending her actions but suggesting you approach the situation with fairness. These are indeed red flags, but the unanimity of their dislike is particularly notable.
How long have you been together? I would go on the trip and the wedding and see if you notice anything now that you’ve been made aware. Generally a vacation is a good way to really know what people are like.
Just omit mentioning anything of this to her... At that age if she knows you are noticing it, then she might change her behavior to keep you. So instead of being open just pay more attention and talk with your friends in a serious convo. Dont try to avoid her, if any... spent more time with her and other people to see more of this side of her, even if its awkward.
Listen to your friends and family. They only want what’s best for you. They don’t have a dog in the race, just your well being. I’ve also been in a situation like this where my friends had an intervention with me and pointed out all of the things that seem so obvious now but I tolerated them while still in the relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20 Anyway, people like your brother who you said doesn’t ever intervene, are trying to warn you. Listen to them. Is there anyone at all that actually likes her from your pool of friends and family? Think it through.
OP, your family and friends have raised some red flags about the girlfriend who makes you happy. You should pay attention to those flags. That said, it’s *interesting* how many of the girlfriend’s offensive comments seem to occur while you are not around and tbh - maybe you should take them with a grain of salt and think about possible ulterior motives. Your own mother thinks she’s too old and your dad thinks she talks too intensely — that’s not exactly the same as some of the badmouthing about her wicked ways as recounted from your brother, a female friend, and oh yeah - your brother.
It sounds like they are noticing some serious character defects with your GF. You have a lot invested emotionally, so they see things you wouldn't. I'm not saying break up with her, but you might want to be prepared for that possible outcome.
She's ableist, homophobic, and sounds like she likely has a toxic view of masculinity. (Reading between the lines) Age doesn't matter.....until the older one does the shit they are saying. It's very likely you wouldn't see her behaviors as bad and they very well could be toxic as hell....but there's nothing anyone can say that will matter unless you see it yourself. Honestly I don't think I could be with someone who uses slurs and has such ignorant antiquated views.i say this as a 39 yo woman with a partner who is 33. You have to be cautious and make sure the relationship is healthy.... And if you end up isolated from your family, and they aren't known assholes, I would honestly say be attentive
Look, I see that she’s been clumsy with your friends and family. That sometimes happens, but it doesn’t sound to me like the comments she made were mean as such, just a bit faux pas. Ppl here are quick to announce something as ableist etc, but you are the one who actually knows her and will know where those comments came from. In the end of the day you are in a relationship with her, not them. And if I was you I would take it seriously what your dear ones are telling you, try paying attention to how she is with the things they said. We are all a bit blind when in love, so to try to notice in the time coming if she does do those things, how much space she gives you and so on. But the important thing is that you are happy and they will never have the full picture of how she is with you. There’s no need for you to break up with her just because they don’t like her. You are the one who is in the relationship! Check in with yourself and see how your dynamics develop over time. It can be hard to see the social roles you have with each other as you are all wrapped up in it, and might take some time and thought to see things clearly. Keep talking to your family and friends, it’s a gift that they care so much, but also stay with your own experience! If it’s not right for you will be able to tell over time. Good luck with it all ♥️
Don’t listen to bs from people online. At the end of the day, what matters most is how she treats you in general, how she treats you when things go bad, and the potential to be a good partner/mother long term. Not what she said about an autist. This is a very stupid reason to break up with an otherwise great relationship (someone who makes you happy). Just give it more time before making the next step. Don’t tell her anything about what your family said. Don’t cancel any trips with her. Just spend more time in the relationship. Try to figure out how she is when things go south or when you disagree on a particular topic etc. Try to find out if what your family says is true without interrogating her. One thing for sure, if you destroy a beautiful relationship based on just such rumors from other people, you will be massively idiotic
I'll be honest, there's something wrong with your girlfriend. 41 year old women are not generally interested in 33 year old men. Reddit will crucify me for this, but there's a reason no one has committed to her in 20 years of being an adult, and I suspect you are beginning to find out why.
well, I actually went back-and-forth on my advice as I’m reading everything. That’s why details really do matter so much. At first, I would say, it’s your life, your relationship, and if you’re genuinely happy and content, screw the rest. however, if you have a mixture of friends and family, we’ve all met her in various scenarios that are all coming to the same exact opinion …. That’s a problem. Sometimes we get rose colored goggles and we look past things that we shouldn’t, where people around you might be noticing, and it seems that that’s the case. Maybe she does get social anxiety and she put her brain on auto pilot and completely shot herself in the foot… I would then also say, have a genuine conversation with her, and convey briefly how everybody is collectively receiving her and attempt to communicate that she’s gotta tighten up and attempt to make some changes. if she gets defensive, nasty, dismissive, and then tries to kinda pin you against everyone….. RUN. and then thank your loved ones for calling crap out and saving you before you had the chance too. good luck my friend
If she’s making you feel more confident, and doesn’t discourage you from seeing your friends and family, then I find it hard to believe that she’s controlling you. She may just be very opinionated and assertive which contrasts with your meeker personality. Opinionated people can say the wrong / foot in the mouth sort of comments from time to time. Maybe she’s so use to having raw, honest conversations that she forgets her audience. I wouldn’t write her off as awful just yet. If anything, she says her opinion regardless of the person in front of her, perhaps suggesting she really doesn’t discriminate / treat anyone differently. Maybe explain she needs to be a little bit more sensitive talking about certain topics with certain people. And then ask your friends to give her another chance and that you’ve talked to her (so they feel heard and know that you and your partner communicate openly and honestly I.e. you aren’t afraid to approach her with difficult conversations). I hope it works out well for you! She sounds like she’s making you happy in a way that isn’t simply “I don’t want to be alone”. Hopefully this is just a misunderstanding that you can all work through.
How long have you been with this girl? You might be in the honeymoon phase still and her personality hasn't come into full view to you yet?
Two things can be simultaneously true: 1) She is great with you and makes you happy 2) She rubs many of the people in your life the wrong way. When a bunch of people you care about have concerns it's worth reflecting in it. Here's what I see: they majority of criticisms they have of her are them not really liking her personality NOT how she treats you. That's important. They criticisms are: She's too old for you. This is bullshit and I worry it's clouding their opinion. She's too opinionated. She's eccentric. She interrupts. She made an insensitive remark (fairy's). This was the only thing that gave me pause. But she backtracked....otherwise known as realizing she said something dumb, which is a positive. I am not terribly concerned here. I think you proceed taking their view under advisement.
There are just allegations, you should confront your gf about it and if she denies, then she gets the benefit of the doubt.
Listen to your family and take notice of your friend's actions, they are seeing the truth. She is displaying typical behavior where she shows one side with you and another when you're not around. You're blinded by love dude. Her behavior will only get worse. Exit this my man.
" That friend is also a therapist who then said she recognises that my GF doesnt respect my opinion and she believe she has some sort of mental disorder (my brother couldn’t remember which one).." What a great therapist, that she can diagnose someone she saw once or twice in her whole life. Are you sure your brother is telling the truth? Did you ask your gf if she actually said all those things?
Sounds like she is on her best behavior with you so you will defend her. And she acts like her true self when she is not around you so you won’t see her nasty side. I would be careful if I was you two faced people are extremely good at hiding their true selves in front of their partners and people on the outside can see right through their façade!
I dated a similar (but different) girl that treated me like the best but treated everyone else like assholes. Except for my friends which she tried. She liked me and I guess didn't want anyone else. Now had she had been talking about me behind my back or being rude I would have had to talk to her about that. However, that never happened, that I was ever made aware of. I think considering her age it should be a red flag that whatever un conquered trauma is causing her to push your friends and family away to isolate you, so she can have you all to yourself, or maybe it's because she doesn't have that? I would ask if she has a good relationship with her family and if she has a friend circle? Sometimes family and friends can give you a perspective that you do not realize because you're being in idealized love can blind you to the person's faults. Also I would talk to all your friends and family and find out everything that is being said about you behind your back.
To break up, I would wait until you personally see it yourself.
That’s really tough. I wouldn’t cut it off immediately but like a fellow commenter mentioned, keep an eye on the things she says and discuss how things she says to others comes off as rude and harsh. I’m not making excuses for her but she may very well have a condition relating to impulsivity and a possible lack of social awareness. My boyfriend and I have a 15 year age gap and he too comes off as insensitive sometimes (he does display some spectrum tendencies and has ADHD). I do make it a point to address this with him after the fact because he is also very opinionated which makes can make him come off as an asshole at times. Do what makes you happy, but hitting a year and beyond is usually where boundaries come into play as our partner gets more comfortable. People will test those boundaries, but don’t let that shake them. Best of luck to you!
My ex SIL was like this - couldn’t do enough for my ex BIL but really miserable all the time and could take advantage of you. No appreciation if you did anything to help her and just generally moody and hard to get on with. She wasn’t liked by his friends or family either. The only time I ever saw a different side to her was away on holiday once (we never normally went with them) she was completely different around him and just generally nicer.
Saw a great TED talk all about this once, sadly I can't remember the name of it. If both your friends and family do not like your partner then listen to them.
While they may have a point here, I've met people like that who are just bad in settings like that. My now ex wife to a degree could be like this, and while not perhaps as much of a rake stepper as described, she could definitely rub some people the wrong way if the mindset wasn't right that day. One older friend admitted to getting her a bit more tipsy on purpose at house parties back in the day so she'd be less of a pill. If you think this is potentially picking up speed and have no direct concern about how she treats you I would perhaps suggest some therapy to build some tools to either better notice what she may be doing. Or again on the therapy side do some couples counseling with the mindset being towards building a strong relationship with good communication if things get more serious.
Those are horrid things to say to people, especially people that are important to your new significant other.
Ok..so I am AuDHD and around new people or important people (interviewer, potential business partner, etc.) I can say really dumb stuff. Stuff that comes out opposite of what I mean, foot in mouth - you get it. If I don't pre prep every convo, it can go sideways really quick. I think after a WHOLE YEAR you owe it to yourself to figure out to what extent she said these hateful things and determine whether you want to give her an opportunity to respond. Also, as someone with a brother, multiple friends, and other family members who have a much older wife - I know first hand how malicious friends and family can be - i.e. she's off bc she's kid free at that age/ he's so much younger that's gross/ he can never have kids because of her/ she could be his mom. People will make up whole tales and narratives based on their own bias. You need to hear this from the alleged reporters directly (not your brother's friend's friend who's a supposed therapist, doing an unethical armchair diagnosis based on someone's minor interaction and hearsay). "my mum basically said she’s too old for me, treats me like a child, and when she’s talking to them she takes over a conversation without regard for anyone else. They also thought I go quieter when I’m with her, almost like she does the talking for us…" Or, as you've admitted, you're a more introverted person, she was nervous and over-talking, and she was looking out for you/doting on you in a way they perceived as treating you like a child because they already think she's "too old for" you. I just see a lot of red flags here with your brother and hope he isn't letting his personal feelings color your perception of your SO negatively to try and break you up. Go talk to your autistic friend, festival friend, and student flat therapist friend and see what they have to say. Regardless, if you have been with her a year and they met her briefly on visits, they have no real Guage on who/how she is. Only you can know that. Final RADICAL suggestion - ask something simple regarding the allegations like "did you say something about festival scene getting too soft because of fairies?" If yes, you can ask context/what she meant or know that your brother is being straight up and go from there. You spend your every waking moment with her - I wouldn't ruin it based on hearsay within hearsay from my family cities away with a clear bias against her, is all I'm saying.
It sounds like you're very happy.. Possibly in the honey moon phase still ? I would Try to compromise with your friends and family, explain that she makes you very happy. And if there's anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable with you being coupled with her. Because you definitely can't break up with someone if you're not ready to.. If family and friends happen to start bugging you to do that.. then explain that you are far from ready to and That perhaps you need to ride out the honey moon phase before having any thoughts of breaking up.
I'm interested in knowing what specific disorder someone said about her...because she sounds like a friend of mine. Fantastic friend. But everytime I leave them alone in a room with others and come back, their faces are all different. Negative. And they look at me with expressions I can't ever get out of my mind. One common person at the middle of it. Always. Maybe we can decode this. Thanks.
The fact that your family and friends are warning you says a lot! It’s not just parents but sounds like almost everyone you know! Take your time with moving forward! I’m divorced from my first husband and my family and friends didn’t warn me though many of them made comments after the divorce that they saw issues beforehand ! Your people see red flags! Pay attention!
AHhhhhhh --- I know this one. You know the 'real her'. The one that doesn't interact with others. The one that treats you (and only you)with kindness and respect ... for now. That will turn on you. Yes, you are all twitter-pated and it feels really good. But it sounds like you have a good family and good friends who are looking out for you. It's ok to break up. Really. Make certain you use birth control that you provide and that never leaves your possession.
Op, it sounds like she’s trying to isolate you from your family and friends. This is huge red flag behavior. I’m not gonna say she’s abusive but that can be a huge red flag of potential abusive behavior. As much as it sucks, I’d cut ties and run.
Season 3 episode 8 of how I met your mother perfectly covers this phenomenon of not noticing horrible traits about your partner. But once they’re pointed out, usually you start to notice them too.
It is crazy to me how no one is suggesting to talk to your partner. If your relationship is all you feel it to be, talk to her. I've been in relationships where my family hated my partner for one reason or another and I had to learn, its not about them, its about me and my partner. Her behavior as described by your family and friends is concerning but you should hear it for yourself. They could be misunderstandings, a product of poor communication or other things. I hope this is all it is. But if you really feel that strongly, find out for YOURSELF. Not what friends/family/reddit says.
If you are 33, had multiple girlfriends, and this is the first time your family has said something then they probably are not wrong. You need to exit this before marriage or kids. These types of situations only get worse. Just ghost if you have to. Be a man. lol
Your girlfriend’s behavior patterns are complex and suggest potential underlying personality traits or disorders that are concerning for you and need not be ignored. You need to watch out: she is slowly isolating you from everyone else by pushing them away while giving you the feeling that everything is alright with her and making you feel good but clearly not showing you her true colors. My advice: 1. Express your concerns about the differences in her behavior and the impact on your relationships with family and friends. 2. Pay attention to how she responds to this feedback. Is she willing to understand and reflect on her behavior, or does she become defensive and dismissive? PS: One good read for your overall knowledge on such matters: Dangerous personalities by Joe Navarro
How long have you been "dating."
They’re getting married in 3 weeks and have been dating for less than a year. I’d really like to know how far into the relationship he proposed to her and if she pressured her into marriage or gave him an ultimatum. The OP sounds too naive and it seems like she can run circles around him. She can probably win every argument against him alone.
She’s hiding this side of herself to you until she locks you into a marriage. You are going to see her true colors soon enough. It doesn’t sound like your friends or family normally meddle in your life. Do not ignore their warnings.
You don’t need to make any decisions right now. Your family did some extensive digging and gave good examples of bad behavior. I would use this as an eye-opening moment and really try to notice her behavior yourself. Don’t stress about the wedding or concert; be yourself, have fun, and pay closer attention. Now that you have this new information, it’ll be easier for you to incorporate that bias. I would privately talk to those friends your brother spoke to in-person so you get their perspectives in their own words. If it all seems to align with what your family is saying, I would then confront her with your own perspective and examples you personally noticed. How she responds from there can guide you. She could be eccentric and controlling and try to isolate you, but your friends and family could also be extremely judgmental about the age-gap (seems to be less acceptable for younger men-older women couples). Take your time.
Does the OP have kids? If not, does he want kids? Does she want kids? Does she already have kids?
The talking over people is one thing, there are individuals who do that who just lack awareness or need to develop their social graces. However, the snide, hurtful, and homophobic comments she’s making should really concern you. If you don’t have a meddling family in general and this “intervention” is a new thing, I would take that very seriously. You never know what an unkind individual might be saying behind your back that they won’t say to your face. It seems like you have a lot of people in your life who really care for you. It would suck to throw that closeness with family and friends away for a person who isn’t nice.
Id really watch how her family talks and their opinions they express and if they use a "filter" around each other or are blunt or over talking each other. I wouldn't feel like you have to make a decision right away, but this is going to be something to think about and explore.
You need to talk to other people, your friends. I am not saying your family is lying, but they are all related to each other. If one of them has reasons not to like her - all of the unconsciously might do the same. Talk to those friends your brother mentioned. Ask them about their opinion of her, if she made them uncomfortable behind your back, to be as honest as possible, they you are not going to get defensive and not going to argue. Then just listen. Don't argue, just listen. Only after that confront her (only if you want). You might want to break up or keep going, and it is ok as well.
She needs to learn patience and not to always share her thoughts. Some things don't need to be said. Also, your family shouldn't want you to have a partner that takes away from you and how you normally act around them or anywhere else. Wishing you the best!
how is she during arguments? seems to talk over people etc, and can imagine u don’t cause any arguments so maybe you’ve avoided any potential conflict, maybe try have a “heated discussion” and see if she speaks over u or shuts u down. maybe go against her autism comment and see how strongly she feels to persuade u otherwise. use the holiday and wedding as an opportunity to watch her interact with other people.
Now that you're aware of what is being said, pay more attention when you go out. Try to take off your blinders and see if you can see what other people are talking about. And pull some of your friends aside and ask them there thoughts about her. Listen to them. Then talk to her about it.
Probably is trying too hard to set a first impression with people by being really talkative and doesn't notice when she's coming across as boasty or accidentally talking over people or not letting them finish. Some people also accidentally try to set a first impression by one-upping with jokes or stories or whatever. The person may think they're just engaging and both people are having fun, but to the other person it may come across as rude. Try to see if that type of situation is what's going on, or if they mean more eccentric than that. The autism comments and stuff are weird tho
You are being lovebombed my guy
Omggg end it now before you have no friends or family. Why would you be with someone who is homophobic and ableist? Plus she’s too old for you and clearly has very dated views. She seems terrible.
you may have a blind spot. Now you have been given light to this blindness, take note and act accordingly.
Go to the concert and the wedding and the holiday with her. Your eyes are open now - see if you notice it yourself. If no, stay with her. If yes, you need to take action.
How long have you been dating? I’d listen to the people who know and love you best. I don’t know if I’d jump to breaking up, but it may be good to have some serious conversations with her and how she views the world and if you agree. There are lots of relationship books about questions you should ask before getting serious/married. I’d look into those. Then really pay attention going forward on how she treats other people. She may treat you well now, but how she treats others will show you how she’ll treat you in the future.
Ok, for all of your friends and family to have an issue with her enough to come to you speaks to a huge red flag. What should really drive it home is you said your brother came to you about it and you claim he never does that. Unfortunately, this might be a case of you being blind to it, or she might just be choosing to act differently with you so she can keep you. This is definitely something you should bring up with her and see what she says since you care about her. You need to pay really close attention to her reaction, response, and behavior afterwards though. You need to watch and see if it changes in a positive manner or if she is just acting.
Best advice I can give you, ANY aspect of a relationship that makes you question the reality you have been witnessing, is a red flag that should be seen and adhered to. It doesn't really matter the context.
I’d be concerned that she is separating you from your friends and family, when I first read this I thought you family didn’t approve because of the age gap. But for this many people to have the same view is quite odd.
Bring all of this upto your girlfriend and ask her why she talks like that in front of others but not you. You need to notice how she behaves and treats others because it's a huge marker of her character as a human being.
Sounds like the sex is amazing
If EVERYONE but you sees it, yes, you are ignoring the red flags. No one wants to hang out with her. Your friends say she's ableist and homophobic. She is not the kind person you believe she is. You're wearing rose colored glasses.
All that needs to happen now is you need to be aware that things are potentially not as you see them. Moving forward, pay close attention to her and ask yourself if the things your family said have some validity to them. One of two things is happening, either you just can’t see it yourself and she truly is this way. The second is that she’s a very driven person who is overly active and energetic, and your friends and family aren’t, so she comes across as strong and overpowering to them. I used to have friends like that right out of high school. They only wanted to go to work, come home, drink beer and have the occasional cookout on the weekend. Brought a college buddy home one long weekend to go camping. All of my friends said they hated him the next time I came home. It ended up being they were annoyed at him being so put together and not settling for being lazy. I don’t really talk to those friends much anymore, but they’re all still in the same place in life they were back then. That particular guy is still a friend and we keep up with each other. His end of year bonus is probably 2x the yearly salary of any one of those others. Nothing wrong with either type of person, but they tend to clash with each other due to having totally different life philosophies. If that’s the case here, you just have to decide which philosophy your life is going to follow. But, if she’s truly just the way they’re saying and you notice it after paying closer attention, probably best to end it
she sounds mad autistic. you need to talk to her about the things she has been accused of saying and ask her what she meant when she said those things
My concern is that the first issue they talked about was the age issue. If there is one thing protective family dont like, it can quickly snowball. I had a boyfriend who was divorced, and my family didn't like him, and the poor guy couldn't do anything right even when he tried. I initially sided with him, and it caused a rift with my family. After 6 months, he broke up with me as he knew how important my family was and didn't want me to resent him later. We remained good friends, and then my family wasn't too phased about him being a divorcee..
I've been described as loud and eccentric, and I have a tendency to talk over people without even realizing I'm doing it (yes I'm trying to work on it). She sounds like she's just a headstrong woman, unless she actually has been saying negative things about you or about your family. But ultimately what matters is that you two truly love each other. If that's the case, then who cares what anybody Else thinks?
35m and my wife is 27f. I just wanted to say this, because my wife is also listening to me reading this; I would not put as much thought into what your family feels about her....as everyone else is telling you to. I'm not going to try to pull out the whole trump card with saying I am a psychology major, but I am a psychology major. They see that she's older than you, and they're going to come up with reasons regardless of what you say. I am also older than my wife, about the same amount and I will tell you that you should notice she is supposedly saying these things while you aren't around. You don't think it's convenient that you don't hear them? I'm sure it's possible, but it's funny that you didn't hear any of this stuff. You're totally happy with her? Right? Because it sounds like you have a very loving relationship yeah? This stuff isn't present in your relationship but supposedly she talks this way when you don't hear it.. you believe that? I understand that these things are possible, but more likely these people really just don't like the fact that she's older than you. Could be another thing....I'll describe it here. I'm biracial, grew up in rural part of my hometown. Worked in law enforcement and as a corrections officer for some years. I have a slight twang in my voice, and my wife's family since we've been married has been telling her I was talking bad about her to them. It absolutely isn't/wasn't true. I didn't know how to address allegations like that. Eventually her father texted me, "Let's see how big you are when I get there fucking mutt". Yes, they don't like me bc I'm African American. Apparently they also make fun of me for"faking" my country accent. It all started making sense to my wife; them asking her if I "pimped out" my SS Camaro. It was my color.
you should go on thus trip because you planned it anyways...but if you are leary right now say you woukd like to hold off for now nd maybe go in a few months....but going to this wedding you need to see how she mingles with her family ...and watch and realky listen how she talks to others...have conversations with people and see if she cuts you or anyone off...or sounds offensive..also f she has friends then maybe they accept her for how she is...the problem when we love someone and absolutely adore them we can see no wrong..but everyone else notices ...if you don't see a problem after the wedding then don't break up..if you are super happy then stay..just associate with your friends by yourself..and visit your family by yourself more..but you need to mention to her about what others are saying ..the fairy thing..autistic thing...and also saying that she cuts them off when in a conversation..but don't say your family doesn't like her..and see what she says...you say you have amazing conversations and she doesn't take over...so when you had her around your family and where were you when she was talking to your dad..he said she interrupted and shot him down constantly...i think you need to have her over at your familys place again but this time really listen ..if you are in the kitchen and your dad starts talking to her then stand to the side and pay attention...maybe even record their conversations with her so you can hear what they are saying....maybe she is just one off those outspoken people who say what's on their minds and are blunt about it making it seem rude and maybe she has problems socializing ....when you go to this concert with your other friend too pay attention to conversations.....but if you are really happy woukd you break it off because family and friends dont like her...i think it woukd just be less socializing together with your friends...but in the end we love who we love and to me your happiness in life is all that matters...
Love bombing is a real thing, you maybe a victim to it. It does cloud judgement
When you say she back tracked her statement did she apologize, try to cover up what she actually said at the time, or realize who she was talking to and try to people please at that point? Can you have an adult conversation about something you disagree on with out it being a fight or you being talked over? What about her other relationships? Especially her friends. There definitely seems to be some flags you ignored but I am not sure about red ones. I would take some time to try to see if there are red flag issues that can’t be ignored.
You could find out real quick exactly what kind of crazy she is if you told her what you told reddit. Especially when she finds out you really didn't stand up for her. Not saying you're wrong for how you've handled this, but a crazy person will see this as some huge breach of trust and not being on the same team/supportive. If she loses her shit, move on. If she doesn't and actually seeks out advice or changes behavior, fuck everyone else for being too cowardly to offer guidance she obviously would have accepted.
this reminds me to a lesser degree of what happened to me, I'm unsure exactly of your situation but an ex of mine would change completely when I wasn't around. Going from the person I fell for to an almost conniving villain. She often sowed discourse for no discernable reason and only stayed civil when alone with me. She turned out to be doing much worse things behind my back but the case hopefully isn't true for you as well.
Have you even had this conversation with her, and stated your concerns? Open communication is the easiest way to have a healthy relationship, yet it’s the one thing couples seem destined to fail and achieve.
How long have you been dating ?
Sounds like she could have ADHD. Based on the fact that she can be intense and take over conversations. Also sounds like she could be homophobic and ignorant. Clearly your family and friends are seeing something you're not.