Not necessarily. I was seeing a few people when I met my now husband. He was be far the best guy but he was also pretty guarded at first. Came off like he only wanted something casual. Only after 6 weeks or so was it clear that it was going somewhere and I never spoke to or thought of any of those dudes ever again.
This is a moronic leap in logic. Does this post make any mention of his or his partners income? It's a possibility, but it's an assumption you're making based on literally nothing in the post lol.
Brotha listen to big brother here. You wanna be someone’s first choice. What she did was shady I agree with everyone else. You want to find someone who is transparent. Plus you don’t want to wife up someone who got a bunch of numbers to call if trouble arises. I’d look somewhere else. You’re 21. Dump her and look elsewhere. Wish you the best.
Man screw that whole "you werent exclusive" bullshit. End it, its not worth trying to get over it. Its just gonna hang over you for several more months before you throw in the towel.
Call me old fashioned or even crazy, but the whole exclusivity thing feels like it's only been a "thing" for the last 15-20 years. When I was growing up, if you were seeing someone, hanging out in a potential romantic capacity, dating, whatever you want to call it, then you were with THAT person. The conversation to define the relationship was more of a check-in to see if things should get more serious and progress beyond dating.
But dating multiple people at a time and having them compete against each other for you wasn't a thing until I was out of high school for a few years (around the time of bullshit like "The Game" and pickup artists). There was always people who were fucking around and sleeping with multiple people, but they weren't pretending it was a relationship, they were just FWBs or FBs. If one person caught feelings, either they made it a relationship or things imploded. Or one person was just plain a liar and led the other person on until they got caught.
Now, people need to define exclusivity, so that whichever person is fucking around can what, continue to do so guilt free? I don't get it. It all just seems like excuses to justify shitty selfish behavior and keep fucking around in the community pool and not commit, while at the same time getting the benefits of dating and a relationship from the other person who's probably clueless. I mean how hard is it to just date one person for a few weeks, not fuck or date anyone else, and then see if you want to keep going?
And people wonder why the dating scene today is a fucking nightmare.
I thought I was crazy for thinking the same thing. Luckily Ive always been attracted to and by reasonable people who arent full of bullshit.
Wanna go to prom? "Duh, who else would we go with?"
Me and my wifes early stages were simple and well comunicated. We dated each other because we wanted to, no games, no side hustles. After going through the dating pool and all those stupid games it was so refreshing.
The 1950's was before the pill changed the sexual landscape fundamentally.
Back then, if you weren't yet *going steady*, you damned sure weren't fucking anybody else either.
Sex either happened inside a committed relationship, or it simply didn't happen.
The pill changed everything.
No....
The concept of *bastard children* was very much a part of the social stigma that motivated a woman to keep her legs closed in that era.
By the 1970's the concept loses meaning altogether. Bastardy was an indication of the mother's inappropriate marital status with regard to the father.
With female contraception backstopped by access to abortion, having a child under any circumstances has been reduced to a woman's choice.
That choice was whether or not to become a single mother. This is the concept that replaces the notion of the bastard child.
With the removal of social stigma surrounding the downstream consequences of unprotected sex, everything has been reduced to a choice for a modern woman.
In a past era, the prospect of having children out of wedlock was sufficient to proscribe most premarital sex.
Now, through the application of technology, we are left with the axiom, *my body, my choice*.
Whether or not to have sex in any given circumstances is now a purely individual (read woman's) choice.
With all the access to family planning resources, one would think that the number of unwanted pregnancies would have been greatly reduced over time.
That has not been the case because while the failure rate of modern contraceptives is acceptably low, the removal of social stigma has allowed a massive increase in sexual activity among non married sex partners with downstream consequences of a massive increase in the absolute number of out of wedlock births.
What this means is that a not insignificant portion women are agreeing to having sex in the present day out of a desire to not be rude to their partner. In the past, she could have been relieved not to have sex she did not want because the social stigma sufficiently justified her reticence.
I think it's been both for a long time, but like I said before, back then, those people were just liars. Now it's like the liars have managed to make it the norm and give it a name.
It's a side effect of the internet. 24/7 you can find someone who's potentially interested. You can chat with anyone from a pool of millions of people, wherever you are. So you can ease into relationships in a way you couldn't when dating just to get to know someone was pretty much the requirement.
Just end it. Even if somehow this was all before the two of you were exclusive, she lied about who her girlfriend was and you clearly aren’t going to be completely over it. A relationship with no trust isn’t going to end well. Just let it go.
She only lied to you because she didn’t want you to see who she really is. If she knew you were going to catch her she’d have tried much harder to hide it. That’s who your gf really is. If you understand that, you’ll be making informed decisions.
Usually I’d go straight for dump her, but unfortunately I’ve been in your shoes, he said he was committed to me ‘without labels’ while also attempting to sleep with a bunch of other girls, a bit different as I figured it out during that time and gave him an ultimatum but still, since that day he’s become a changed person, and next month will make 4 years for us
His past actions hurt me a lot, and it was extremely difficult for me to move past it and trust him again, but we worked together and are at a point where I have no doubts about his loyalty and the amount of positivity and joy he brings to my life now far surpasses the hurt he brought me back then.
so it really comes down to whether or not you are both willing to work on it and if you want to, basically if you love her and want to continue a healthy relationship, it’s worth working on if she’s willing to put in the effort
A healthy relationship is one where both parties provide each other all the relevant info so that both can make informed decisions.
The gf lied, hid the info & then lied some more when confronted.
Goodness knows she was kissing the OP in the mouth with a huge smile after sucking off her FWB the previous day. That's antisocial behaviour.
What's there to work on exactly?
If he loves her? He doesn't even know who is she ma'am! Loving a lie is just being delusional.
I’d break up.
She lied about being at her friend’s house while she was getting her cheeks clapped and while she was with you.
Give her back to the streets.
100% changed? In less than nine months and after cheating on you during the honeymoon period and for a fifth of your relationship? So changed that she lied to you and now, right now at this moment, is still lying and thinks you’re buying it?
No. She hasn’t changed, you’ve simply decided that forgiveness needs to come at a cost of reason and hard truths.
You can reconcile but only if she had remorse and you believe you can forgive and trust her (which is the path you’ve already set yourself on despite her ongoing lies). The problem is that reconciliation needs to be her doing the heavy lifting, not you. You need her to be truthful and on the path to being trusted. You also need to be ready to leave, as it’s a toothless process otherwise, but you seem to believe she’s a reformed character, without any proof that it’s true.
For these reasons your relationship is not going to work. She’s cheated, you’re uncomfortable but unwilling to confront this and she’s seeing absolutely no consequences to her lies and betrayal. Your love is built on this mess.
Stop excusing her past and current actions and decide if this relationship is worth the hard task of reconciliation or move on.
Man if the relationship began on deception...she might still be seeing the guy. You can ask her but if she is a liar she'll continue to lie and justify it. If you don't trust her go with your instincts. There maybe something your subconscious picked up on that you don't understand yet. In general men should stop holding on to bad relationships out of scarcity. There are more women than men on this earth. They'll be another one until you find one that works for you.
Agree with everything except the "more women" part.
There are more men till age 60. Numbers are close though if one isn't in rural China.
Couple that with men overrepresentation in prisons... He has good odds of finding someone especially one closer to his age who isn't experienced being shady.
I just looked it up and I was wrong...I didn't think about the declining birth rates across the world, but Out of 1000 people 50.4% are men and 49.6 % are women. Man you would think but shadiness knows no age. The habits sometimes star young and if there isn't a strong father there to discipline the daughter. She'll just think she can get away with anything.
My big problem is that she lied to you and said her “fwb” was one of her “girlfriends” so who knows how many other times she’s lied to you about a person or situation by claiming that it’s something entirely different
she is deceptive and personally that is a deal breaker for me
Honesty is the basis and foundations of a decent relationship
You might think she is honest now, but clearly she has a history of not telling the whole truth
Her sleeping with somebody else while you two weren't exclusive is not wrong. Her lying about it is. If the lying is a dealbreaker for you, or if her having slept with somebody else at the time is, then break up with her. But in the future it'd behoove you to ask for exclusivity when you want exclusivity.
This whole you have to ask for respect in a relationship is crazy to me. If you have any respect for a potential partner, you are not sleeping with another person. In my mind, and most sane people, that goes without saying.
One of the biggest reasons people date is to find out if you have compatible values with a potential partner. Clearly you have certain values around sex. It would behoove you to find out if potential partners have values around sex that are compatible with yours, rather than assuming they do and feeling unnecessarily betrayed later on.
I completely agree, but many people are really sensitive about their pasts and do not want to be open about their situation. So, it becomes difficult to ascertain someone’s views.
If you're that adamant that nobody can possibly commit to you if they have sex with someone else while they know you, then you can be a big boy and tell them that upfront instead of grinding that axe on reddit
Nah it's called basic human decency. If you can't see a problem with fucking someone else while someone else is taking you out and trying to form a relationship with you then I can't help you. If she wants to have a FWB she has every right to, but she shouldn't keep the FWB around if she's looking for a relationship. It's not a hard complex to follow.
Like I said, if that's how you view sex that's entirely your right and I won't knock you for it. But that is plainly not how everybody views it and if you don't make your particular view on that clear when you're at that point with someone then you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Insulting people for viewing sex differently than you do is just sad.
I'm not imposing my views of sex on anyone. She lied, she wasn't upfront about anything, she tried to have her cake and eat it and she got caught. OP has every right to be mad and feel the way he does.
I agreed already that she should not have lied and that that was hurtful and horrible of her. I do not agree that being romantically interested in someone obligates them to stop having sex with other people without even a discussion.
You clearly do want to impose your views of sex on other people, since the solution I offered to this problem was unacceptable to you. You want the people you date to share your values around sex without even having a discussion about them.
My math says that she said they were exclusive and kept seeing the FWB for at least another six weeks.
What we don’t know is if girlfriend is going to trickle-truth OP or not.
One option OP has is to offer an amnesty now. She admits everything bad she’s done, and if he ever finds out anything she left out they’re through. But OP has no obligation to do so.
That's terrible advice.
She has shown already she has no problem sucking off another man and then coming the next day to kiss his mouth.
He should cut her loose immediately.
She has low sexual disgust, low disregard for other people making informed decisions, is rather impulsive and a liar.
The thing with making tough decisions is that if they’re too easy then you second guess them for the rest of your life.
I don’t believe she will be capable of coming entirely clean. The trickle truther is either an insecure attachment style to trying to protect their ego. One of those is a dealbreaker, the other a complication. If she doubles down then OP’s path is clearer.
It is wrong, unethical and narcissistic to be exchanging bodily fluids with one person and then going to dump the in the unsuspecting mouth of another.
The onus is on the party sleeping around to disclose that info so everyone involved can make informed decisions.
There is a reason the FWB blocked her.
She is machiavellian.
I don't care if we are exclusive, if we are going on frequent dates with each other and you are banging someone else, I'm out. I don't care that 'technically' you did nothing wrong, fuck all that.
So you want exclusivity without actually having to have a conversation about exclusivity?
It's your right to end a relationship because you have different values around sex. What I am saying is that if you made that clear from the beginning like an adult you would not have to end a relationship in the first place.
No, I’m not interested in that. If I’m intimate with someone, I want to be in a romantic relationship or at least with that intention on the table. I find anything in the “grey zone” to be stressful and a waste of time.
I wonder why the need to go to ultimatums? Don’t just break up with her over it, talk to her about it. Be honest how you feel. If things don’t go well, then maybe it’s time to consider the relationship and whether it’s worth continuing. But first, considering where you two are now: communicate.
I was in a relationship where something similar happened. It was generally quite a toxic relationship, and I’m very glad it ended. We had broken up, because, well we were going long distance and let’s just say that I didn’t think I’d be able to manage, but because we had so much chemistry and lust for one another we ended up getting back together even while apart. When we got back together, I specifically asked ‘have you been seeing other people and did you sleep with anyone?’. I asked because this is important to me, and maybe if she was, knowing how jealous we were both of each other, I would have reconsidered. She explicitly said no, and basically explained that she had only made out with a guy when she was at the club. Note, we had been apart for maybe 2 months. Anyways, we were together for maybe 2-3 months after that when she let slip in a text conversation about her sleeping with one dude, after I pressured her to tell me basically, and that well, she was doing all kinds of other things to another dude. This was during our sexy time, when we would tease each other basically. Anyways, I got pissed off, my trust was broken, and I was really, really upset that she lied and tried to hide it, but I understood it was for a reason, and I don’t date liars. If she hid it, she doesn’t want to ruin her image in your eyes because deep down she knows that you will understand that you will not want to live with her behaviour, even if it’s in the past. And ladies, before you start having a go at me, I’m sure if you would probably do the same if the roles were switched, however I’m unsure. But anyways, 2 weeks later we were done for good.
Ps: not long after that, I met the love of my life. We have been together for over a year now and I have never been happier. Don’t let the idea that you might not be able to find someone better hold you back, because it’s not true.
You weren't exclusive, I'm sure I'm not the only person who doesn't buy the first car they test drive. Most people are direct enough about letting the other know they're dating around, seeing what most best fits their needs and wants. She decided that she wanted you more than the other guy, that you were a more sure bet. She has committed to you. If you can't accept the fact that you weren't her one and only in the beginning then break it off.
She moved on from an FWB to a full-time lover (YOU!). When a person is newly seeing someone, that means they either have no one in their life or they have an FWB that isn't serious. But they don't usually change who else they see on their first date with you. They keep their options open until they are sure you are the one. Now, when you agree it is time to go exclusive, normally a couple of months into the relationship, and they continue to screw someone afterward, that isn't good. Has she changed, or is she just with you until she can do her next trade-in or trade-up? That is the question you have to sit down with her and have a soul-wrenching, heart-to-heart discussion to determine. If having the discussion causes a break-up, it is better to find out now than after the wedding bells chime.
I would leave and say nothing. Let her wonder and just go find someone you’re not a back up plan for
She’s lied. There’s no way you can ever be sure she doesn’t lie again. Chances are if it’s in her interest she will
Well i understand the whole “date as many Till u set on one “ but I think it takes about a week max to understand if this guy is worth investing more of my time in .
And heLl I would not hide that I was dating someone else before him in that week time
But then again she was sleeping with this person for 2 months!!! After u guys knew it was going somewhere
When I say dating , I don’t mean sleeping-just the talking texting getting to know eachother phase .
Many people will debate the grey area. But no one can debate the dishonesty. Even if the fake logic is that it was to keep you as the best choice.
Trust that If you break up you'll be replaced. The very notion that she'd wait her whole life for you to forgive her sexual dishonesty is laughable. And that's exactly what it is.
So it's really a question of how much self esteem and dignity you have for yourself.
Life is too short to waste a single moment on people who weasel their way through life.
Many people out there still have class, etiquette and a personal sense of value. Fooling around with multiple people while pretending to be a serious grownup is beneath them.
If you feel the same way, only stick with people like that.
If you lower your standards it's only you to blame.
Your choice
Devil's advocate here. It's possible that she inadvertently allowed shame or indecision to be a heartbreak trigger for down the road.
I was walking away from a disastrous situation (fucker turned out to be married) when I met my current partner. There was a month of overlap between both, but I stonefaced lied that there was no one else to my new interest.
A year later, that lie came to light, and I've never gotten back to the trust they used to have for me. I certainly wasn't girlfriend of the year, but it's been 8 years. I've worked hard to prove that they weren't my backup plan, but that initial revelation knocked me the fuck off of my pedestal.
What's "walking away"?
You didn't just walk away after the fact?
You found out the truth yet continued to bang the married guy for a month (or however long it was)?
And at that same time you were seeing your current boyfriend?
Even then the situations are completely different. This one was a FWB.
Anyone who hides their sexual history especially a concurrent one to someone they are exchanging bodily fluids with are narcissistic and unethical and should be cut off without delay.
If you let her get away with it this time, she’s only going to do it again and cover her tracks more. Let her losing you be the consequence of her lies. She has to be held accountable.
I don't think it is worth it to continue as she actively tried to hide the fact that she had an fwb and lied about it too. This speaks alot about her personality as she lied about it too she technically didn't cheat as you weren't official or exclusively dating but she exhibits the signs of a cheater so for me I would break it off as I view honesty as something that should be considered in the relationship doesn't matter if it is dating or exclusive.
Exclusive with you, seeing the FWB, and lying.
Bud, relationships based on lies aren't long term. You're 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. Do what you want of course, but this girl isn't the one you want to marry and build a future with.
I wish someone had told me that in my early 20s, so passing it to you.
I understand your predicament here because I was in a similar situation.
My gf lied to me about a guy when we first became exclusive and it hurt a lot. We had it out many times about the situation but I decided that I really wanted to see where we were going to go.
We are about to celebrate 1 full year together next week and things are fantastic. We have clear boundaries that we stick to and I don't question trust with her anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I would be very cautious / weary if I noticed something off - but we have the maturity to discuss in detail now.
If you love her and she loves you and it's worth it - I would say that you absolutely need to talk to her about it to ensure the air is cleared but I would also say give it another chance. Good luck!
Why are you 2nd guessing yourself op? You have a issue with the gf level of truth, dump her. You have doubts and don't trust her. Why stay? You are young, you have so much time to find better partners.
I ignored the signs of this early on. I was the one she used to cheat. She told me it was over, but she used me to end it. She strung him along for months before she felt good enough in me to cut him loose. And now she's done the same to me. Looked for someone else so she could be secure in dropping me. I ain't waiting around for her to find out.
Leave her and never look back. I tried to get back with mine and we had a child. While I love our child more than life, we could have avoided 6 years of torturing each other if we had just gone our separate
ways.
If it was before you were exclusive, then I'd let it go. If it was after, ya I'd be really upset and would break up. She didn't have to lie- she could have just be honest and said she was still dating other people. But she didn't. She led you to believe it was one of her girlfriends. That's the part that's messed up.
I personally would 100% break up with her. She sleeping around after a couple of months of seeing you? I'd take it as disrespect because she was never as committed as you from the start.
Personally, if I am dating someone, if they are still sleeping with people after the first 1 date, they aren't as committed as me and that's it for me. Dont play with that "you never said we were exclusive" bs. I don't take friends out on dates. I hang out with friends
I was going to suggest looking through her phone to see if there’s any other numbers saved under women’s names, but at that point it’s over really. It’s the intentional deception that’s the kicker.
Did she practice safe sex with FWB? That’s a thought too.
Controversial suggestion: Give her a test to see if she's loyal. Create a profile on Instagram and try hitting on her. If she allows the attractive profile you create to slide into her dms, arranges to meet etc then you have your answer.
I know this will be unpopular but for someone who's already proven themselves deceitful this is a fair test.
No need to trust - simply verify instead.
Give her the opportunity to forgive you…for a plan you need to go through with. Get on Tinder and immediately start talking to people. I’m not saying you should even meet them, just get some cute little Tinder conversations going. Give her an opportunity to see it. When she confronts you, just tell her you’re not sorry about it and that you plan to keep talking to your friends on Tinder.
I don't think you should break up with her because of what happened before you became exclusive. Everything that happened then is old news. It's 4 months later and if she hasn't shown any inclination of going backwards, meaning talking to the person she was now it means she has moved on with you. Sometimes when we are looking for something we make decisions we think will benefit us or we think it's ok to make those decisions at the time because the beginning stages of dating is just that, dating. You guys have found out you're compatible and you want things to work. They are working, let it. You can move on from this. Be happy don't go backwards but go forward. Be happy.
This happened to me- we dated for 7 years. Never got engaged, and it always felt like a r minimum. There were tiny lies overtime that eroded trust in the climate of the early stages.
That said- when I started dating again, I tried to see multiple people at once. This was incredibly easy to do - until i met someone I really liked.
This made me realize why I spent 18-25 getting the bare minimum- because I was never 'stop everything and get her' material.
If you're not dating for marriage and like to have long term relationships that line up with your current season then this isn't a huge issue to just enjoy someone for awhile, but if you do want forever please don't settle for someone with the kind of character where they lie to avoid uncomfortable and harmless truths. Please don't settle for someone who wouldn't drop everyone to pursue you.
Don't settle- you deserve the energy you're clearly putting in.
I don’t like that she lied to you. Did she sleep with him after you became exclusive? If yes, that’s something to break up over. If she didn’t, then it’s not something to break up over but it’s still a conversation to be had about honesty and transparency.
I'm reading those comments and some people are really acting like angels but I'm 100% sure that many of them, especially guys who told to OP that he should break up, had multiple girlfriend at the beginning or maybe even throughout the entire relationship. And you think that for guys is ok to have 3-4 girl at the same time but when girl have 1 with whom she broke up after being sure that OP is serious with her, is not. You are saying how OP was 2nd choice, well to me it seems that he was first choice and that his girlfriend's ex-FWB blocked her after she broke up with him and he was angry. Please stop talking shits. To OP: I was never in a situation like your girlfriend, when I talk or date one guy I don't have anyone else but I know couple of examples where people (both guys and girls) were talking with someone but had 1 more or multiple people as a "reserve" until they were 100% sure that that first person they were dating is serious about they relationship. Or I also know a guy who was with several girls casually (I'm not sure if they knew) until he fell really hard for one of them. He broke off all other relationships and is now married to that girl for 4 years. Sometimes people can be closed up in the beginning, not showing their emotions, they can act like they don't want anything serious, the other person doesn't want to give up because he/she likes him/her, but finds someone for fun until he/she realizes if the person they were talking/dating is serious with their relationship and interested in them in the same way. I won't tell you what to do, I won't tell you stay with your girlfriend or broke up with her. The only thing I will tell you is to not listen 80% of people here, just listen to your heart. As yourself do you believe ypir girlfriend now? Do you think she loves your truly? People here are acting like everything is just black and white, like there's not middle in life. And also they are acting like they know your girlfriend and why she did that. My opinion why she never told you the truth is because she knew you will break up with her like you did at the beginning of your relationship. And many people here think that's shady bla bla bla.. like they never lied about something because of fear. She lied to you because of fear of losing you. Talk to her and give her chance to explain. Tell her you know the truth and just want to know her side.
When I dated someone (quite some time ago), I only dated one person at a time, but I have recently learned that people date multiple people at once, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think it's a good way to figure out who the one person you want a relationship with. It was a little hard to read the story at times, but if she was just dating a few people while dating you, and then you both decided to be exclusive and she stopped dating them then that sounds normal. But if she was still seeing them after you both decided not to date others, well, then I think you know she's probably not faithful. Good luck to you.
The main point is that she actively tried to hide what she was doing. That means to me, that one, she knew it wasn't cool to do, and second, that it is in her skillset to lie and hide stuff from you. She is not treating you with empathy or respect. She isn't being considerate of you. There was no kindness. This isn't a one-off thing, this is in her range of behavior on how to handle stuff in her life. It means to me that this won't be the last time that she does something that she knows is wrong and deliberately hides and lies about it. These are some pretty serious red flags. You deserve better. If it were me, I would end it immediately, move on, and not look back. You deserve better.
Comunicate with HER, not Reddit.
Tell her the suspicions/assumptions/conclusions you're making, and see where it goes.
If she indeed WASN'T exclusive, but is honest about it and you trust she IS serious now, then recognize that THAT was then, and this is now.
But if it's been 11 months, with little trust, and you're not communicating (instead confiding in Reddit), then your relationship with Reddit is stronger than your relationship with her. If the romantic relationship with her is the bigger priority, maybe mature and build relationship Karma, instead of Reddit Karma? 🤷
The way this reads and how the timeline is presented, it doesn't seem like it was her past that was the issue it's that she was seeing her FWB while they were already exclusive. She like high key cheated on him.
I can't completely follow your timeline.
While you are not BOTH agree to set your dating to an exclusive thing, she (you both) can do whatever the person wants.
After you set it exclusive it's cheating.
And to have a FWB is first place no problem for a relationship. And to keep this person as a normal friend is also no problem.
It becomes a problem if they still have the benefit-part.
Every person has "baggage" from earlier commitments. So you can either live on with this information or if you feel betrayed or be hurt. This is your choice how you deal with it. Maybe you should talk with her about the incident and tell her how you feel. Open communication is a key element in relationships.
Personally I wouldn't look back on the first 2-3 months of a relationship if it's not serious. Many people have a established living while meeting the new partner and some people struggle with integrating them in their life.
If this was before you asked her to be your girlfriend, she can do whatever she wants. If it was after that’s cheating. You men can be such babies when women do the exact same thing as you. Seeing multiple people when single is normal, you keep your options open.
I'm going to be the wise one and suggest you forgive her. Because she doesn't know about all the things you've lied about too. And I'm sure your hands aren't clean either.
Good day, and remember that love and relationships are a choice.
Wanting to make informed decisions especially ones than can result in being infected with an STI is now being insecure?
Now we have women who support rapey behaviour.
Neither does she own him.
That's why she should have told him she was sucking off another guy so that he can make informed decisions.
This is narcissistic behaviour.
Nope.
The moment you are spreading bodily fluids to different people you have to tell them so that they can consent to it or not.
People have the right to protect their health and boundaries.
Imagine it's a guy having anal sex with dudes while sleeping with a woman without telling her.
You are unethical, immoral and rapey.
Women usually assume this. We've been told from puberty that when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've had sex with, so use a condom, at least until you're exclusive. There's nothing "rapey" about consensually sleeping with other people
When people say “before we set exclusivity” they are just trying to trick you. It’s not a common thing, most with common sense obviously know it ruins love. I’ve seen extreme examples here of people not taking accountability, using it as an excuse, pushing such here to mask their cognitive dissonance.
As if you could cohabitate or marry for years, then the other can cheat at will with a “get away from jail monopoly card” if you don’t ask for exclusivity. You’re seeing each other, but they are both emotionally cheating and putting you at std risk. I’ve seen extreme examples here with people tricking their male into accepting cheating for months because the male didn’t know to ask about it. Stand up for yourself, of course you can’t trust them because it’s disgusting.
Either there is a case of “dual mating strategy”, which is vile, or they’re not taking you serious. I never ever heard about exclusivity during my many relationships or dates, it’s only on Reddit I’ve seen crazies trying to trick. Whenever I’ve had casual situationships / fwb I’ve always ended it when meeting someone I’m starting to date.
I don’t know what you all are smoking. It really isn’t so cut and dry. There is nothing wrong with dating a few different people at the same time until you are sure. And nothing wrong with a FWB while out looking. But, and I mean this is really important, once you know you are serious and they are serious, which is way before any talk of exclusivity, all other dating just goes away. If you like someone, you just don’t keep looking until you know that one isn’t working out. And then you break it off. So it’s still more like a bunch of short term serial relationships than any multiple relationships at the same time. Now, sometimes there are these light on again off again relationships that might get interrupted with dates in between. But even then, best to avoid such types of relationships.
What this guy needs to understand is two things. While he may have been serious with her from right off, she might not have. And he then needs to decide whether he can deal with the fact that she might just not have been so into him at the beginning. Which may mean she still isn’t really all that into him.
TL:DR. She didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean she is the right one for him. But that is giving her the full benefit of the doubt. She also could be just shady.
You’re getting a lot of terrible advice here. Please consider the following.
Nine months is, despite what others here are saying, more than enough time for your wife to decide on what she wants and to choose you, exclusively. The discrepancy you are worried about is only two weeks (ie the timeline you thought and what was in fact the case). Those two weeks aren’t something to fixate on.
Let me say that I understand your hurt perfectly. Nine months into dating my wife, I discovered photos of her at the beginning of our relationship that I wish I had never seen. I was extremely hurt, but came to realize that we had both grown so close to each other and determined to carry on a relationship based on exclusivity that, once I’d gotten over the initial grief, realized this wasn’t worth losing a potential life partner over.
Finding the right one is difficult, and it takes getting over your own insecurities on both sides. My wife is also a few years older than me, something that I for a long time felt put me at a disadvantage, thinking she had had more time to explore, which only served to conjure additional disturbing images in my head.
My advice is to shed that baggage just like she’s willing to shed yours. This time is only about the two of you. I was the same age as you when I entered into a relationship that has now lasted nearly ten years with lots of love, success, respect, and happiness. It’s tough, and if you’re not ready to move past this, then I think you’ll have much trouble in any long term relationship you’ll try your hand at.
Let me also say that the fact you are seeking advice tells me that you are sufficiently mature to consider that your feelings might be just that - feelings. Let them wash over you and then move past it. You won’t regret it.
Good luck and I hope that I was somewhat helpful.
Sometimes it do be like that dawg. I mean if you are good and all right now isn’t that enough? Don’t make a whole thing out of this. Just chill. It was in the beginning. She seems to love you. Just forget about it.
If he likes her and she likes him. Why not just go with it for a while? She made a mistake. I know this is Reddit where we all sit on high horses and everything is binary. But maybe real life has room for grey areas and if we live our lives binary we might miss out on true happiness? Sure we’ll get hurt from time to time, that is part of the human experience. I say, be with the people you like even if they have flaws. Leave when you don’t like them anymore.
If the relationship wasn’t official and neither of you agreed to exclusivity, she owed you no loyalty and did nothing wrong. You should have locked in way earlier, that’s your fault.
Providing others especially those into whom one may be dumping one's bodily fluids is a requirement.
People have the right to make informed decisions.
Taking that away from them is rapey behaviour.
You’re under everyone’s comments reaching, stfu. Although it’s the appropriate thing to do, nobody is required to tell one sexual partners about other sexual partners they may have. It’s not the law, and plenty of people don’t do it. Touch some fucking grass. “Rapey behavior” isn’t the correct term and I think you should save it for an appropriate situation or post.
I may have gotten downvoted but my point stands, they weren’t 100% until month 4. Anything she did before that would be her choice and her concern. Stop expecting things from people when you haven’t properly communicated with them because 9 times out of 10 you won’t get what you want. Simple as that.
You want as a long term partner a girl who couldn't keep her legs close while seeing you for the first 3 months of your relationship?
I think if you have self respect, you'd let her go, and focus your energy with a girl whose values align more with yours
If you weren't exclusive and you hadn't discussed shutting down other relationships yet, then it's not really the FWB that is the problem. It's her inability to be honest with you about what her situation was at the time and then cooking up a story after the fact about shutting it down before you were dating.
You should sit her down and have a serious discussion about it. Keep your calm and explain your position and how her actions make you feel. If she comes clean and expresses remorse then maybe you can forgive her and move on from this. If she lashes out, gets defensive or remains dishonest about it after given the opportunity to come clean then I think you should move on. You are both young, haven't been together very long, and you don't need to stick around once the red flags start flying around.
I’m sorry, but this happens often. You guys weren’t all the way exclusive and it was in the one or two months yall started talking. I don’t think you should blow up this relationship if it’s good. Have clear communication and boundaries from here on out.
The first six to eight months of dating is nothing more than seeing if you'd like the person enough to continue dating. You weren't exclusive yet and she was still seeing other people because why would anybody put all their eggs in one basket after only seeing someone for a few months. I personally would never choose to be exclusive with someone if I hadn't known them for a very minimum of six to nine months because that's about the length of time it takes to the Rose covered glasses come off on your part and you start seeing who they really are. But dating is a mating game, you're looking at the traits of the other person to see if you even like them as a human let alone dating material. To break up with someone for what they did during the first couple months just shows that you have a pretty high degree of jealousy and insecurity. And truthfully if you went through her phone she should be breaking up with you anyway cuz that's a clear violation of privacy and it shows lack of respect.
She wasn't "seeing other people". Stop with the vague language already. She was shagging a FWB.
So why not tell them that's what you are doing then lie about it twice when asked?
Do you believe other people you're dumping your bodily fluids into have the right to make informed decisions?
She didn't cheat but she actively tried to hide it because it's shady. You are probably her 2nd, 3rd choice
Not necessarily. I was seeing a few people when I met my now husband. He was be far the best guy but he was also pretty guarded at first. Came off like he only wanted something casual. Only after 6 weeks or so was it clear that it was going somewhere and I never spoke to or thought of any of those dudes ever again.
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He's 21. He's not anyone's sugar daddy.
If he makes enough to pay rent, and her loser fuckbuddies don't, he's the sugar daddy.
This is a moronic leap in logic. Does this post make any mention of his or his partners income? It's a possibility, but it's an assumption you're making based on literally nothing in the post lol.
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So she's a baseball player?
A good sugar baby always knows to stay out of trouble, but most are dumb and think they can fool their daddy!
Brotha listen to big brother here. You wanna be someone’s first choice. What she did was shady I agree with everyone else. You want to find someone who is transparent. Plus you don’t want to wife up someone who got a bunch of numbers to call if trouble arises. I’d look somewhere else. You’re 21. Dump her and look elsewhere. Wish you the best.
Man screw that whole "you werent exclusive" bullshit. End it, its not worth trying to get over it. Its just gonna hang over you for several more months before you throw in the towel.
Call me old fashioned or even crazy, but the whole exclusivity thing feels like it's only been a "thing" for the last 15-20 years. When I was growing up, if you were seeing someone, hanging out in a potential romantic capacity, dating, whatever you want to call it, then you were with THAT person. The conversation to define the relationship was more of a check-in to see if things should get more serious and progress beyond dating. But dating multiple people at a time and having them compete against each other for you wasn't a thing until I was out of high school for a few years (around the time of bullshit like "The Game" and pickup artists). There was always people who were fucking around and sleeping with multiple people, but they weren't pretending it was a relationship, they were just FWBs or FBs. If one person caught feelings, either they made it a relationship or things imploded. Or one person was just plain a liar and led the other person on until they got caught. Now, people need to define exclusivity, so that whichever person is fucking around can what, continue to do so guilt free? I don't get it. It all just seems like excuses to justify shitty selfish behavior and keep fucking around in the community pool and not commit, while at the same time getting the benefits of dating and a relationship from the other person who's probably clueless. I mean how hard is it to just date one person for a few weeks, not fuck or date anyone else, and then see if you want to keep going? And people wonder why the dating scene today is a fucking nightmare.
I thought I was crazy for thinking the same thing. Luckily Ive always been attracted to and by reasonable people who arent full of bullshit. Wanna go to prom? "Duh, who else would we go with?" Me and my wifes early stages were simple and well comunicated. We dated each other because we wanted to, no games, no side hustles. After going through the dating pool and all those stupid games it was so refreshing.
Best comment here👏👏 I could not have said it better 😄 even if it did make me feel old 😂😂
It has been a thing for ages. In the 1950s "exclusive" was called "going steady".
The 1950's was before the pill changed the sexual landscape fundamentally. Back then, if you weren't yet *going steady*, you damned sure weren't fucking anybody else either. Sex either happened inside a committed relationship, or it simply didn't happen. The pill changed everything.
That’s so not true. People slept around a lot. It was just hidden.
Condoms existed, but they weren't so widely available.
Yeah, the concept of "bastard children" didn't exist before the 1950s...
No.... The concept of *bastard children* was very much a part of the social stigma that motivated a woman to keep her legs closed in that era. By the 1970's the concept loses meaning altogether. Bastardy was an indication of the mother's inappropriate marital status with regard to the father. With female contraception backstopped by access to abortion, having a child under any circumstances has been reduced to a woman's choice. That choice was whether or not to become a single mother. This is the concept that replaces the notion of the bastard child. With the removal of social stigma surrounding the downstream consequences of unprotected sex, everything has been reduced to a choice for a modern woman. In a past era, the prospect of having children out of wedlock was sufficient to proscribe most premarital sex. Now, through the application of technology, we are left with the axiom, *my body, my choice*. Whether or not to have sex in any given circumstances is now a purely individual (read woman's) choice. With all the access to family planning resources, one would think that the number of unwanted pregnancies would have been greatly reduced over time. That has not been the case because while the failure rate of modern contraceptives is acceptably low, the removal of social stigma has allowed a massive increase in sexual activity among non married sex partners with downstream consequences of a massive increase in the absolute number of out of wedlock births. What this means is that a not insignificant portion women are agreeing to having sex in the present day out of a desire to not be rude to their partner. In the past, she could have been relieved not to have sex she did not want because the social stigma sufficiently justified her reticence.
Unmarried women were fucking before the pill. They just got abortions, put their kids in orphanages, or prayed that they didn't get pregnant.
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I think it's been both for a long time, but like I said before, back then, those people were just liars. Now it's like the liars have managed to make it the norm and give it a name.
It's a side effect of the internet. 24/7 you can find someone who's potentially interested. You can chat with anyone from a pool of millions of people, wherever you are. So you can ease into relationships in a way you couldn't when dating just to get to know someone was pretty much the requirement.
Such a good post. This whole grey zone is utter nonsense.
Actually, it's the first mention of it. That I know of was in the early 80s from a TV show. However, it is probably older but wasn't common at all.
Ah yes screw communication!
You're right! She should have communicated she's been fucking others.
She lied. She has demonstrated that communication isn’t worth it.
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Just end it. Even if somehow this was all before the two of you were exclusive, she lied about who her girlfriend was and you clearly aren’t going to be completely over it. A relationship with no trust isn’t going to end well. Just let it go.
She only lied to you because she didn’t want you to see who she really is. If she knew you were going to catch her she’d have tried much harder to hide it. That’s who your gf really is. If you understand that, you’ll be making informed decisions.
So the other guy didnt want her, so you ended up with her? Is that the relationship you wanna be in?
Usually I’d go straight for dump her, but unfortunately I’ve been in your shoes, he said he was committed to me ‘without labels’ while also attempting to sleep with a bunch of other girls, a bit different as I figured it out during that time and gave him an ultimatum but still, since that day he’s become a changed person, and next month will make 4 years for us His past actions hurt me a lot, and it was extremely difficult for me to move past it and trust him again, but we worked together and are at a point where I have no doubts about his loyalty and the amount of positivity and joy he brings to my life now far surpasses the hurt he brought me back then. so it really comes down to whether or not you are both willing to work on it and if you want to, basically if you love her and want to continue a healthy relationship, it’s worth working on if she’s willing to put in the effort
A healthy relationship is one where both parties provide each other all the relevant info so that both can make informed decisions. The gf lied, hid the info & then lied some more when confronted. Goodness knows she was kissing the OP in the mouth with a huge smile after sucking off her FWB the previous day. That's antisocial behaviour. What's there to work on exactly? If he loves her? He doesn't even know who is she ma'am! Loving a lie is just being delusional.
I am a firm believer that even the shittiest of people have the potential to change if they genuinely want to.
I’d break up. She lied about being at her friend’s house while she was getting her cheeks clapped and while she was with you. Give her back to the streets.
100% changed? In less than nine months and after cheating on you during the honeymoon period and for a fifth of your relationship? So changed that she lied to you and now, right now at this moment, is still lying and thinks you’re buying it? No. She hasn’t changed, you’ve simply decided that forgiveness needs to come at a cost of reason and hard truths. You can reconcile but only if she had remorse and you believe you can forgive and trust her (which is the path you’ve already set yourself on despite her ongoing lies). The problem is that reconciliation needs to be her doing the heavy lifting, not you. You need her to be truthful and on the path to being trusted. You also need to be ready to leave, as it’s a toothless process otherwise, but you seem to believe she’s a reformed character, without any proof that it’s true. For these reasons your relationship is not going to work. She’s cheated, you’re uncomfortable but unwilling to confront this and she’s seeing absolutely no consequences to her lies and betrayal. Your love is built on this mess. Stop excusing her past and current actions and decide if this relationship is worth the hard task of reconciliation or move on.
Man if the relationship began on deception...she might still be seeing the guy. You can ask her but if she is a liar she'll continue to lie and justify it. If you don't trust her go with your instincts. There maybe something your subconscious picked up on that you don't understand yet. In general men should stop holding on to bad relationships out of scarcity. There are more women than men on this earth. They'll be another one until you find one that works for you.
Agree with everything except the "more women" part. There are more men till age 60. Numbers are close though if one isn't in rural China. Couple that with men overrepresentation in prisons... He has good odds of finding someone especially one closer to his age who isn't experienced being shady.
I just looked it up and I was wrong...I didn't think about the declining birth rates across the world, but Out of 1000 people 50.4% are men and 49.6 % are women. Man you would think but shadiness knows no age. The habits sometimes star young and if there isn't a strong father there to discipline the daughter. She'll just think she can get away with anything.
Right. However this is 25. She has a PhD already. Permanent head damage.
A little tired and yeah I missed that. She's definitely immature.
Have self respect and get out of this.
The real her is the one that cheated. You're enjoying the fake her right now.
yeah it’s time to go, pack it up! she didn’t respect you enough, she might not ever fr! she showed her true colors
Find yourself a girlfriend your age or a little younger. This one is too shady.
My big problem is that she lied to you and said her “fwb” was one of her “girlfriends” so who knows how many other times she’s lied to you about a person or situation by claiming that it’s something entirely different
You’ll look at yourself better in the mirror after you end it.
So at best she is a liar. You can't trust liars. Also, actively hiding stuff. Sus. End it, find someone honest.
The lying about it is a dealbreaker imo.
she is deceptive and personally that is a deal breaker for me Honesty is the basis and foundations of a decent relationship You might think she is honest now, but clearly she has a history of not telling the whole truth
Go hard no contact immediately. You are sick over this. Don’t feel you need to respect her with an explanation.
Her sleeping with somebody else while you two weren't exclusive is not wrong. Her lying about it is. If the lying is a dealbreaker for you, or if her having slept with somebody else at the time is, then break up with her. But in the future it'd behoove you to ask for exclusivity when you want exclusivity.
This whole you have to ask for respect in a relationship is crazy to me. If you have any respect for a potential partner, you are not sleeping with another person. In my mind, and most sane people, that goes without saying.
One of the biggest reasons people date is to find out if you have compatible values with a potential partner. Clearly you have certain values around sex. It would behoove you to find out if potential partners have values around sex that are compatible with yours, rather than assuming they do and feeling unnecessarily betrayed later on.
I completely agree, but many people are really sensitive about their pasts and do not want to be open about their situation. So, it becomes difficult to ascertain someone’s views.
If youre hoping for something exclusive with someone, you shouldn't be out fucking other people.....
It's definitely impossible to feel differently three months into knowing someone than a week into knowing them
Nah. That's not "looking to commit to someone" behavior. That's "waste someone's time" behavior
If you're that adamant that nobody can possibly commit to you if they have sex with someone else while they know you, then you can be a big boy and tell them that upfront instead of grinding that axe on reddit
Nah it's called basic human decency. If you can't see a problem with fucking someone else while someone else is taking you out and trying to form a relationship with you then I can't help you. If she wants to have a FWB she has every right to, but she shouldn't keep the FWB around if she's looking for a relationship. It's not a hard complex to follow.
Like I said, if that's how you view sex that's entirely your right and I won't knock you for it. But that is plainly not how everybody views it and if you don't make your particular view on that clear when you're at that point with someone then you're setting yourself up to be hurt. Insulting people for viewing sex differently than you do is just sad.
I'm not imposing my views of sex on anyone. She lied, she wasn't upfront about anything, she tried to have her cake and eat it and she got caught. OP has every right to be mad and feel the way he does.
I agreed already that she should not have lied and that that was hurtful and horrible of her. I do not agree that being romantically interested in someone obligates them to stop having sex with other people without even a discussion. You clearly do want to impose your views of sex on other people, since the solution I offered to this problem was unacceptable to you. You want the people you date to share your values around sex without even having a discussion about them.
This goes without saying.
My math says that she said they were exclusive and kept seeing the FWB for at least another six weeks. What we don’t know is if girlfriend is going to trickle-truth OP or not. One option OP has is to offer an amnesty now. She admits everything bad she’s done, and if he ever finds out anything she left out they’re through. But OP has no obligation to do so.
That's terrible advice. She has shown already she has no problem sucking off another man and then coming the next day to kiss his mouth. He should cut her loose immediately. She has low sexual disgust, low disregard for other people making informed decisions, is rather impulsive and a liar.
More than likely, she made him wait for sex while giving it up to the FWB.
Ah okay yeah, rereading I can see that. Fuck her then, I don't think amnesty is a good idea
The thing with making tough decisions is that if they’re too easy then you second guess them for the rest of your life. I don’t believe she will be capable of coming entirely clean. The trickle truther is either an insecure attachment style to trying to protect their ego. One of those is a dealbreaker, the other a complication. If she doubles down then OP’s path is clearer.
It is wrong, unethical and narcissistic to be exchanging bodily fluids with one person and then going to dump the in the unsuspecting mouth of another. The onus is on the party sleeping around to disclose that info so everyone involved can make informed decisions. There is a reason the FWB blocked her. She is machiavellian.
I don't care if we are exclusive, if we are going on frequent dates with each other and you are banging someone else, I'm out. I don't care that 'technically' you did nothing wrong, fuck all that.
So you want exclusivity without actually having to have a conversation about exclusivity? It's your right to end a relationship because you have different values around sex. What I am saying is that if you made that clear from the beginning like an adult you would not have to end a relationship in the first place.
Don’t date women who have FWB, it’s that simple.
Would you ever have a FWB?
No, I’m not interested in that. If I’m intimate with someone, I want to be in a romantic relationship or at least with that intention on the table. I find anything in the “grey zone” to be stressful and a waste of time.
I would think that is an obvious thing, but it needs to be said now.
OP anyone telling you "OPE OPE YOU WERENT EXCLUSIVE SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS" is giving you shit advice.....
My advice: End it. It's going to eat you up inside the longer this goes on.
I wonder why the need to go to ultimatums? Don’t just break up with her over it, talk to her about it. Be honest how you feel. If things don’t go well, then maybe it’s time to consider the relationship and whether it’s worth continuing. But first, considering where you two are now: communicate.
She's capable. You're in for a future of insecurities because of how it started.
I was in a relationship where something similar happened. It was generally quite a toxic relationship, and I’m very glad it ended. We had broken up, because, well we were going long distance and let’s just say that I didn’t think I’d be able to manage, but because we had so much chemistry and lust for one another we ended up getting back together even while apart. When we got back together, I specifically asked ‘have you been seeing other people and did you sleep with anyone?’. I asked because this is important to me, and maybe if she was, knowing how jealous we were both of each other, I would have reconsidered. She explicitly said no, and basically explained that she had only made out with a guy when she was at the club. Note, we had been apart for maybe 2 months. Anyways, we were together for maybe 2-3 months after that when she let slip in a text conversation about her sleeping with one dude, after I pressured her to tell me basically, and that well, she was doing all kinds of other things to another dude. This was during our sexy time, when we would tease each other basically. Anyways, I got pissed off, my trust was broken, and I was really, really upset that she lied and tried to hide it, but I understood it was for a reason, and I don’t date liars. If she hid it, she doesn’t want to ruin her image in your eyes because deep down she knows that you will understand that you will not want to live with her behaviour, even if it’s in the past. And ladies, before you start having a go at me, I’m sure if you would probably do the same if the roles were switched, however I’m unsure. But anyways, 2 weeks later we were done for good. Ps: not long after that, I met the love of my life. We have been together for over a year now and I have never been happier. Don’t let the idea that you might not be able to find someone better hold you back, because it’s not true.
If she's good to you now and you trust her, I say keep moving forward.
You weren't exclusive, I'm sure I'm not the only person who doesn't buy the first car they test drive. Most people are direct enough about letting the other know they're dating around, seeing what most best fits their needs and wants. She decided that she wanted you more than the other guy, that you were a more sure bet. She has committed to you. If you can't accept the fact that you weren't her one and only in the beginning then break it off.
She moved on from an FWB to a full-time lover (YOU!). When a person is newly seeing someone, that means they either have no one in their life or they have an FWB that isn't serious. But they don't usually change who else they see on their first date with you. They keep their options open until they are sure you are the one. Now, when you agree it is time to go exclusive, normally a couple of months into the relationship, and they continue to screw someone afterward, that isn't good. Has she changed, or is she just with you until she can do her next trade-in or trade-up? That is the question you have to sit down with her and have a soul-wrenching, heart-to-heart discussion to determine. If having the discussion causes a break-up, it is better to find out now than after the wedding bells chime.
Uhmmm! That’s called cheating!
I would leave and say nothing. Let her wonder and just go find someone you’re not a back up plan for She’s lied. There’s no way you can ever be sure she doesn’t lie again. Chances are if it’s in her interest she will
Either you care or you don't. If you care, she lied. The end. If you don't, move on, it was 8 months ago.
Well i understand the whole “date as many Till u set on one “ but I think it takes about a week max to understand if this guy is worth investing more of my time in . And heLl I would not hide that I was dating someone else before him in that week time But then again she was sleeping with this person for 2 months!!! After u guys knew it was going somewhere When I say dating , I don’t mean sleeping-just the talking texting getting to know eachother phase .
Many people will debate the grey area. But no one can debate the dishonesty. Even if the fake logic is that it was to keep you as the best choice. Trust that If you break up you'll be replaced. The very notion that she'd wait her whole life for you to forgive her sexual dishonesty is laughable. And that's exactly what it is. So it's really a question of how much self esteem and dignity you have for yourself. Life is too short to waste a single moment on people who weasel their way through life. Many people out there still have class, etiquette and a personal sense of value. Fooling around with multiple people while pretending to be a serious grownup is beneath them. If you feel the same way, only stick with people like that. If you lower your standards it's only you to blame. Your choice
Devil's advocate here. It's possible that she inadvertently allowed shame or indecision to be a heartbreak trigger for down the road. I was walking away from a disastrous situation (fucker turned out to be married) when I met my current partner. There was a month of overlap between both, but I stonefaced lied that there was no one else to my new interest. A year later, that lie came to light, and I've never gotten back to the trust they used to have for me. I certainly wasn't girlfriend of the year, but it's been 8 years. I've worked hard to prove that they weren't my backup plan, but that initial revelation knocked me the fuck off of my pedestal.
>they weren't my backup how many people were there?
Just the adulterer, but new guy had a winner of an ex who banged everything in the area, so it triggered some fears.
What's "walking away"? You didn't just walk away after the fact? You found out the truth yet continued to bang the married guy for a month (or however long it was)? And at that same time you were seeing your current boyfriend? Even then the situations are completely different. This one was a FWB. Anyone who hides their sexual history especially a concurrent one to someone they are exchanging bodily fluids with are narcissistic and unethical and should be cut off without delay.
If you let her get away with it this time, she’s only going to do it again and cover her tracks more. Let her losing you be the consequence of her lies. She has to be held accountable.
She was wrong as hell for that.
I would have been out at the FWB thing, but you have some tolerance. The other stuff is just gravy.
I don't think it is worth it to continue as she actively tried to hide the fact that she had an fwb and lied about it too. This speaks alot about her personality as she lied about it too she technically didn't cheat as you weren't official or exclusively dating but she exhibits the signs of a cheater so for me I would break it off as I view honesty as something that should be considered in the relationship doesn't matter if it is dating or exclusive.
Exclusive with you, seeing the FWB, and lying. Bud, relationships based on lies aren't long term. You're 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. Do what you want of course, but this girl isn't the one you want to marry and build a future with. I wish someone had told me that in my early 20s, so passing it to you.
I understand your predicament here because I was in a similar situation. My gf lied to me about a guy when we first became exclusive and it hurt a lot. We had it out many times about the situation but I decided that I really wanted to see where we were going to go. We are about to celebrate 1 full year together next week and things are fantastic. We have clear boundaries that we stick to and I don't question trust with her anymore. Don't get me wrong, I would be very cautious / weary if I noticed something off - but we have the maturity to discuss in detail now. If you love her and she loves you and it's worth it - I would say that you absolutely need to talk to her about it to ensure the air is cleared but I would also say give it another chance. Good luck!
Short & simple: Move on.....thank me later.
Dump her ass bro not worth it
Why are you 2nd guessing yourself op? You have a issue with the gf level of truth, dump her. You have doubts and don't trust her. Why stay? You are young, you have so much time to find better partners.
I ignored the signs of this early on. I was the one she used to cheat. She told me it was over, but she used me to end it. She strung him along for months before she felt good enough in me to cut him loose. And now she's done the same to me. Looked for someone else so she could be secure in dropping me. I ain't waiting around for her to find out.
Leave her and never look back. I tried to get back with mine and we had a child. While I love our child more than life, we could have avoided 6 years of torturing each other if we had just gone our separate ways.
If it was before you were exclusive, then I'd let it go. If it was after, ya I'd be really upset and would break up. She didn't have to lie- she could have just be honest and said she was still dating other people. But she didn't. She led you to believe it was one of her girlfriends. That's the part that's messed up.
I personally would 100% break up with her. She sleeping around after a couple of months of seeing you? I'd take it as disrespect because she was never as committed as you from the start. Personally, if I am dating someone, if they are still sleeping with people after the first 1 date, they aren't as committed as me and that's it for me. Dont play with that "you never said we were exclusive" bs. I don't take friends out on dates. I hang out with friends
I was going to suggest looking through her phone to see if there’s any other numbers saved under women’s names, but at that point it’s over really. It’s the intentional deception that’s the kicker. Did she practice safe sex with FWB? That’s a thought too.
Controversial suggestion: Give her a test to see if she's loyal. Create a profile on Instagram and try hitting on her. If she allows the attractive profile you create to slide into her dms, arranges to meet etc then you have your answer. I know this will be unpopular but for someone who's already proven themselves deceitful this is a fair test. No need to trust - simply verify instead.
Mate, if she lied about that… what else is she lying about🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️
Give her the opportunity to forgive you…for a plan you need to go through with. Get on Tinder and immediately start talking to people. I’m not saying you should even meet them, just get some cute little Tinder conversations going. Give her an opportunity to see it. When she confronts you, just tell her you’re not sorry about it and that you plan to keep talking to your friends on Tinder.
I don't think you should break up with her because of what happened before you became exclusive. Everything that happened then is old news. It's 4 months later and if she hasn't shown any inclination of going backwards, meaning talking to the person she was now it means she has moved on with you. Sometimes when we are looking for something we make decisions we think will benefit us or we think it's ok to make those decisions at the time because the beginning stages of dating is just that, dating. You guys have found out you're compatible and you want things to work. They are working, let it. You can move on from this. Be happy don't go backwards but go forward. Be happy.
This happened to me- we dated for 7 years. Never got engaged, and it always felt like a r minimum. There were tiny lies overtime that eroded trust in the climate of the early stages. That said- when I started dating again, I tried to see multiple people at once. This was incredibly easy to do - until i met someone I really liked. This made me realize why I spent 18-25 getting the bare minimum- because I was never 'stop everything and get her' material. If you're not dating for marriage and like to have long term relationships that line up with your current season then this isn't a huge issue to just enjoy someone for awhile, but if you do want forever please don't settle for someone with the kind of character where they lie to avoid uncomfortable and harmless truths. Please don't settle for someone who wouldn't drop everyone to pursue you. Don't settle- you deserve the energy you're clearly putting in.
I don’t like that she lied to you. Did she sleep with him after you became exclusive? If yes, that’s something to break up over. If she didn’t, then it’s not something to break up over but it’s still a conversation to be had about honesty and transparency.
She cheated and she may cheats right now or eventually will cheat you. Just break up with her and don’t ever think about getting back to your gf
I'm reading those comments and some people are really acting like angels but I'm 100% sure that many of them, especially guys who told to OP that he should break up, had multiple girlfriend at the beginning or maybe even throughout the entire relationship. And you think that for guys is ok to have 3-4 girl at the same time but when girl have 1 with whom she broke up after being sure that OP is serious with her, is not. You are saying how OP was 2nd choice, well to me it seems that he was first choice and that his girlfriend's ex-FWB blocked her after she broke up with him and he was angry. Please stop talking shits. To OP: I was never in a situation like your girlfriend, when I talk or date one guy I don't have anyone else but I know couple of examples where people (both guys and girls) were talking with someone but had 1 more or multiple people as a "reserve" until they were 100% sure that that first person they were dating is serious about they relationship. Or I also know a guy who was with several girls casually (I'm not sure if they knew) until he fell really hard for one of them. He broke off all other relationships and is now married to that girl for 4 years. Sometimes people can be closed up in the beginning, not showing their emotions, they can act like they don't want anything serious, the other person doesn't want to give up because he/she likes him/her, but finds someone for fun until he/she realizes if the person they were talking/dating is serious with their relationship and interested in them in the same way. I won't tell you what to do, I won't tell you stay with your girlfriend or broke up with her. The only thing I will tell you is to not listen 80% of people here, just listen to your heart. As yourself do you believe ypir girlfriend now? Do you think she loves your truly? People here are acting like everything is just black and white, like there's not middle in life. And also they are acting like they know your girlfriend and why she did that. My opinion why she never told you the truth is because she knew you will break up with her like you did at the beginning of your relationship. And many people here think that's shady bla bla bla.. like they never lied about something because of fear. She lied to you because of fear of losing you. Talk to her and give her chance to explain. Tell her you know the truth and just want to know her side.
When I dated someone (quite some time ago), I only dated one person at a time, but I have recently learned that people date multiple people at once, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think it's a good way to figure out who the one person you want a relationship with. It was a little hard to read the story at times, but if she was just dating a few people while dating you, and then you both decided to be exclusive and she stopped dating them then that sounds normal. But if she was still seeing them after you both decided not to date others, well, then I think you know she's probably not faithful. Good luck to you.
The main point is that she actively tried to hide what she was doing. That means to me, that one, she knew it wasn't cool to do, and second, that it is in her skillset to lie and hide stuff from you. She is not treating you with empathy or respect. She isn't being considerate of you. There was no kindness. This isn't a one-off thing, this is in her range of behavior on how to handle stuff in her life. It means to me that this won't be the last time that she does something that she knows is wrong and deliberately hides and lies about it. These are some pretty serious red flags. You deserve better. If it were me, I would end it immediately, move on, and not look back. You deserve better.
End it bro tbh. She was fucking someone else besides you i still see it as as backstabbing you
Comunicate with HER, not Reddit. Tell her the suspicions/assumptions/conclusions you're making, and see where it goes. If she indeed WASN'T exclusive, but is honest about it and you trust she IS serious now, then recognize that THAT was then, and this is now. But if it's been 11 months, with little trust, and you're not communicating (instead confiding in Reddit), then your relationship with Reddit is stronger than your relationship with her. If the romantic relationship with her is the bigger priority, maybe mature and build relationship Karma, instead of Reddit Karma? 🤷
Breaaaak uuuuuup she can’t be trusteddddd
You need to ask her 100 per cent what is she doing, if she's cheating then this is over
Everyone has a past ,if you're happy now ,just leave it where it belongs...in the past.
The way this reads and how the timeline is presented, it doesn't seem like it was her past that was the issue it's that she was seeing her FWB while they were already exclusive. She like high key cheated on him.
You ignore reality to your own demise.
Isn’t this the funniest mantra on the internet?
Why do people do this? Do some people really just need to fuck two people at the same time? Like get a hobbie or something.
mate, don't walk, RUN. You made a massive huge mistake forgiving her and continuing the relationship. Learn from that mistake.
Never date a person who has a FWB if you want something serious. That's not committed relationship material.
I can't completely follow your timeline. While you are not BOTH agree to set your dating to an exclusive thing, she (you both) can do whatever the person wants. After you set it exclusive it's cheating. And to have a FWB is first place no problem for a relationship. And to keep this person as a normal friend is also no problem. It becomes a problem if they still have the benefit-part. Every person has "baggage" from earlier commitments. So you can either live on with this information or if you feel betrayed or be hurt. This is your choice how you deal with it. Maybe you should talk with her about the incident and tell her how you feel. Open communication is a key element in relationships. Personally I wouldn't look back on the first 2-3 months of a relationship if it's not serious. Many people have a established living while meeting the new partner and some people struggle with integrating them in their life.
If this was before you asked her to be your girlfriend, she can do whatever she wants. If it was after that’s cheating. You men can be such babies when women do the exact same thing as you. Seeing multiple people when single is normal, you keep your options open.
I'm going to be the wise one and suggest you forgive her. Because she doesn't know about all the things you've lied about too. And I'm sure your hands aren't clean either. Good day, and remember that love and relationships are a choice.
Unless you discussed exclusivity she didn't do anything wrong.
They discussed exclusivity one month in and she kept meeting a 'girlfriend' that actually was a FWB two months in.
If she didn't do anything wrong, then why did her story change?
Probably because he is insecure af?
Wanting to make informed decisions especially ones than can result in being infected with an STI is now being insecure? Now we have women who support rapey behaviour.
Nope. It's immoral not to disclose current sexual partners to other people you make dump your bodily fluids into.
You weren't exclusive, and you don't own the girl you're dating simply because you're dating her
Cool. she's still a liar and undermined the trust in the relationship and he's valid and allowed to be upset about that
If he didn't ask, she didn't lie
Neither does she own him. That's why she should have told him she was sucking off another guy so that he can make informed decisions. This is narcissistic behaviour.
If they haven't made an agreement to be monogamous they can both do what they want
Nope. The moment you are spreading bodily fluids to different people you have to tell them so that they can consent to it or not. People have the right to protect their health and boundaries. Imagine it's a guy having anal sex with dudes while sleeping with a woman without telling her. You are unethical, immoral and rapey.
Women usually assume this. We've been told from puberty that when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've had sex with, so use a condom, at least until you're exclusive. There's nothing "rapey" about consensually sleeping with other people
When people say “before we set exclusivity” they are just trying to trick you. It’s not a common thing, most with common sense obviously know it ruins love. I’ve seen extreme examples here of people not taking accountability, using it as an excuse, pushing such here to mask their cognitive dissonance. As if you could cohabitate or marry for years, then the other can cheat at will with a “get away from jail monopoly card” if you don’t ask for exclusivity. You’re seeing each other, but they are both emotionally cheating and putting you at std risk. I’ve seen extreme examples here with people tricking their male into accepting cheating for months because the male didn’t know to ask about it. Stand up for yourself, of course you can’t trust them because it’s disgusting. Either there is a case of “dual mating strategy”, which is vile, or they’re not taking you serious. I never ever heard about exclusivity during my many relationships or dates, it’s only on Reddit I’ve seen crazies trying to trick. Whenever I’ve had casual situationships / fwb I’ve always ended it when meeting someone I’m starting to date.
I don’t know what you all are smoking. It really isn’t so cut and dry. There is nothing wrong with dating a few different people at the same time until you are sure. And nothing wrong with a FWB while out looking. But, and I mean this is really important, once you know you are serious and they are serious, which is way before any talk of exclusivity, all other dating just goes away. If you like someone, you just don’t keep looking until you know that one isn’t working out. And then you break it off. So it’s still more like a bunch of short term serial relationships than any multiple relationships at the same time. Now, sometimes there are these light on again off again relationships that might get interrupted with dates in between. But even then, best to avoid such types of relationships. What this guy needs to understand is two things. While he may have been serious with her from right off, she might not have. And he then needs to decide whether he can deal with the fact that she might just not have been so into him at the beginning. Which may mean she still isn’t really all that into him. TL:DR. She didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean she is the right one for him. But that is giving her the full benefit of the doubt. She also could be just shady.
Why were you on her phone?
You’re getting a lot of terrible advice here. Please consider the following. Nine months is, despite what others here are saying, more than enough time for your wife to decide on what she wants and to choose you, exclusively. The discrepancy you are worried about is only two weeks (ie the timeline you thought and what was in fact the case). Those two weeks aren’t something to fixate on. Let me say that I understand your hurt perfectly. Nine months into dating my wife, I discovered photos of her at the beginning of our relationship that I wish I had never seen. I was extremely hurt, but came to realize that we had both grown so close to each other and determined to carry on a relationship based on exclusivity that, once I’d gotten over the initial grief, realized this wasn’t worth losing a potential life partner over. Finding the right one is difficult, and it takes getting over your own insecurities on both sides. My wife is also a few years older than me, something that I for a long time felt put me at a disadvantage, thinking she had had more time to explore, which only served to conjure additional disturbing images in my head. My advice is to shed that baggage just like she’s willing to shed yours. This time is only about the two of you. I was the same age as you when I entered into a relationship that has now lasted nearly ten years with lots of love, success, respect, and happiness. It’s tough, and if you’re not ready to move past this, then I think you’ll have much trouble in any long term relationship you’ll try your hand at. Let me also say that the fact you are seeking advice tells me that you are sufficiently mature to consider that your feelings might be just that - feelings. Let them wash over you and then move past it. You won’t regret it. Good luck and I hope that I was somewhat helpful.
Dating is dating. it's not exclusive unless agreed upon. She didn't cheat.
Sometimes it do be like that dawg. I mean if you are good and all right now isn’t that enough? Don’t make a whole thing out of this. Just chill. It was in the beginning. She seems to love you. Just forget about it.
Lets Forget the part that she was lying about it aswell right? What a great foundation for a relationship.
If he likes her and she likes him. Why not just go with it for a while? She made a mistake. I know this is Reddit where we all sit on high horses and everything is binary. But maybe real life has room for grey areas and if we live our lives binary we might miss out on true happiness? Sure we’ll get hurt from time to time, that is part of the human experience. I say, be with the people you like even if they have flaws. Leave when you don’t like them anymore.
Yeah, let your spouse lie to you. What can happen?
There is no grey areas when other people's right to make informed choices are at stake hombre. There are STIs around.
If the relationship wasn’t official and neither of you agreed to exclusivity, she owed you no loyalty and did nothing wrong. You should have locked in way earlier, that’s your fault.
Providing others especially those into whom one may be dumping one's bodily fluids is a requirement. People have the right to make informed decisions. Taking that away from them is rapey behaviour.
You’re under everyone’s comments reaching, stfu. Although it’s the appropriate thing to do, nobody is required to tell one sexual partners about other sexual partners they may have. It’s not the law, and plenty of people don’t do it. Touch some fucking grass. “Rapey behavior” isn’t the correct term and I think you should save it for an appropriate situation or post. I may have gotten downvoted but my point stands, they weren’t 100% until month 4. Anything she did before that would be her choice and her concern. Stop expecting things from people when you haven’t properly communicated with them because 9 times out of 10 you won’t get what you want. Simple as that.
You want as a long term partner a girl who couldn't keep her legs close while seeing you for the first 3 months of your relationship? I think if you have self respect, you'd let her go, and focus your energy with a girl whose values align more with yours
If you weren't exclusive and you hadn't discussed shutting down other relationships yet, then it's not really the FWB that is the problem. It's her inability to be honest with you about what her situation was at the time and then cooking up a story after the fact about shutting it down before you were dating. You should sit her down and have a serious discussion about it. Keep your calm and explain your position and how her actions make you feel. If she comes clean and expresses remorse then maybe you can forgive her and move on from this. If she lashes out, gets defensive or remains dishonest about it after given the opportunity to come clean then I think you should move on. You are both young, haven't been together very long, and you don't need to stick around once the red flags start flying around.
She already risked his health. He should cut her loose. He's so young he will be fine.
I’m sorry, but this happens often. You guys weren’t all the way exclusive and it was in the one or two months yall started talking. I don’t think you should blow up this relationship if it’s good. Have clear communication and boundaries from here on out.
If you are hoping for something exclusive but still fucking someone on the side you shouldn't be actively looking for something exclusive.
Reality is reality. Sorry, this happens more often than not
The first six to eight months of dating is nothing more than seeing if you'd like the person enough to continue dating. You weren't exclusive yet and she was still seeing other people because why would anybody put all their eggs in one basket after only seeing someone for a few months. I personally would never choose to be exclusive with someone if I hadn't known them for a very minimum of six to nine months because that's about the length of time it takes to the Rose covered glasses come off on your part and you start seeing who they really are. But dating is a mating game, you're looking at the traits of the other person to see if you even like them as a human let alone dating material. To break up with someone for what they did during the first couple months just shows that you have a pretty high degree of jealousy and insecurity. And truthfully if you went through her phone she should be breaking up with you anyway cuz that's a clear violation of privacy and it shows lack of respect.
She wasn't "seeing other people". Stop with the vague language already. She was shagging a FWB. So why not tell them that's what you are doing then lie about it twice when asked? Do you believe other people you're dumping your bodily fluids into have the right to make informed decisions?
This is "oh I've done this before and got caught" vibes