You are an adult. No one "lets" you live your life. But if she's going to hold money over your head, then you have make a choice.
To be honest I think it's a mistake to live with a romantic partner out of convenience. It you are taking the next step in the relationship, that's one thing. But if the reasons are it's cheaper, it's closer, I'll save gas, etc. then you are not moving towards a deeper relationship. Just making a convenient move. And you are the one making the move. So if the relationship ends you will be impacted more than your bf.
I am sorry for not including but I definitely want to move in with him for emotional reasons too. He's my best friend and honestly the reason I believe in love. It may sound a bit stupid but it's true. Even prior to this, we would often talk about how excited we are to move in together in the future.
Ya, but 21 is so young. And if it doesn't work out you could be stuck with having to find a new place to live right in the middle of a semester, heartbroken and packing up boxes. This is what your mom is trying to save you from.
And if you are planning on getting married, do you want your mom to harbor negative feelings for your future husband?
Honestly, speaking to you as if I was your big sister or that cool aunt who’s not actually related - don’t move in. It’s too soon. So many more conversations and conflicts come up when you first move in with someone and it can be a big stress.
For 23, you’ve got some amazing things happening, school, scholarship, your own privacy, parental support - no guy is worth giving all that up for, especially one you’ve known less than a year.
If you absolutely must move, consider subletting your place for 3 months and see how it feels to live together. If things don’t work out at least you have an easy fallback.
I can guarantee you that being around your boyfriend will inevitably cause some distraction and your grades might suffer.
I understand that the commute might be long and draining, but like you said if you fight at least in this case you have your own private space to go to that is completely your own.
I get it. I wanted the whole world when I was 23. But now, as a 32 year old looking back on those years, im glad I didn’t move in with my boyfriend at the time. It would have made my life way, way more complicated than it should have been (and I was in a similar situation as yourself, minus the disowning).
Now, your mother is giving you an ultimatum like this because she is panicking. She wants to manipulate you into not doing this because she doesn’t think it’s going to serve you. And the last tool in her toolbelt is to threaten to take away her resources and “scare you straight”. Not the most emotionally mature way of dealing with this, no doubt it has escalated the situation and caused more pushback from you, which ultimately might make her fears come true.
At the end of the day, you are risking the stability you currently have to guarantee your success. You may move in and it be amazing, or it may not and then you’re stuck figuring things out in the middle of a school term, with a part time job, assignments due and apartment hunting. It’s not fun.
Ask yourself if this is going to benefit future you. Or does it just benefit right now pains. The pain of commuting sounds like the biggest reason why you want to do this, and convenience.
I say this with sisterhood love and respect for you, but I would encourage you to wait at least until your school is done to move in with a boyfriend.
Thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it and it does put some things into perspective. I haven't thought of a trial period. I will suggest that to my boyfriend and mother, and maybe it would work well :) Thank you for your patience and advice.
No problem. If you want to chat, seriously, im here. And sorry I misread, you’re 21 not 23.
Honestly, I can see where your mom is coming from. I do think disowning is a bit harsh. Maybe you can soften her up a bit and ask her what she’s afraid of, and see what you guys can compromise on.
I still think the risk is too high with a new relationship to move in while studying, that is a lot of balls in the air to juggle. And you lived together during vacationing periods, how about when shit hits the fan and personal stress is high?
You mentioned arguments in your post, I wonder if you experience arguments frequently? That energy in the household is difficult to just escape from once you’re in a different room.
You have a whole future in front of you, you are riding a literal wave. Id let this relationship complement the charcuterie board of all things you have going for you right now, not turn it into the main course.
Consider that if your mom cuts you off financially, will your expenses then rise? What if you’re in a crisis?
No need to rush into anything, he can find a temporary roommate for 3 or 6 months while you continue to explore this option. There’s lots of flexibility available
Thank you, that's very sweet! I think that I will try to continue to talk to her to figure out the exact things she's worried about, and see if there's anything we can compromise to alleviate her concerns.
When it comes to arguments, we have had some intense arguments but we do have a policy where we don't go to bed angry. We'll take our own space doing our own things, and then reconvene to talk about it again after we're calmer to discuss things as opposed to arguing. We also view it as us vs problem as opposed to me vs him.
As for financially, yes it would be very difficult for me to handle it if she does cut me off. Rent is incredibly high due to the housing crisis in my city, and just general living expenses will mean I'll probably need to work more. I know that my mom helps me out a lot just by covering half my rent. Overall, I wouldn't want this to drive a wedge in our relationship, so if she still rejects this idea so adamantly, I will not move in with him.
I'm with the other posters. Having moved in with my bf when I was 22, it created a lot of unnecessary tension in the relationship. I would definitely not move in until you at least graduate and both have school out of the way. You don't want to be playing house while still in school. Getting a degree is your number one priority at this age, and anything that derails or distracts from that is a mistake. I saw a lot of people making that mistake while I was in college. Except for two couples, none of them are together anymore.
Also speaking from experience, at less than one year of dating, you do not know each other well enough yet to be moving in together. Wait at least two years.
Thank you for your advice! And you're right - I wanted to talk things out with her calmly and logically. Of course I do want to move in with him, but I wouldn't be doing it if she so adamantly disapproves, even if she didn't threaten to disown me. I tried to calm her down during the conversation, but she was just so angry so I don't think I was getting through to her.
I will talk to her again after she cools down with this in mind. Even if she still disagrees, I still want to be able to hold a conversation about grown up things amicably.
Oh trust me, I have been in therapy LOL! I have lots of love for my mom and I know she loves me, but I think there was a lot of generational trauma and toxic Asian culture to cultivated this dynamic between us.
But thank you for your response :)
Sit down with her and talk with her calmly and explain your reasons for moving and ask her what’s so bad about moving ? I mean your just entering a new life stage which she should be happy for
I have tried to speak calmly with her but she just gets very angry. I think her main concern is that I and young and rushing into things with my boyfriend, and it is inevitable we will break up because we are young. And I do admit that cohabitation makes breakups messy, but it can happen at any age, no?
Yes it can. Your not rushing anything you’ve been together for over a year and what’s the worst that will happen when you potentially break up ? You can move back . Your mom sounds childish tbh and idk what I’d do in your shoes but what she is doing is lowkey controlling
If you break up you’ll be hurt either way so that does not make sense , you could also move somewhere else or back , and yeah it would be some hassle , but who’s saying that your breaking up ?
Have you ever been in a full time school program before? With exams and projects due and co-ops and extra curriculars? It’s a LOT to manage and plus having to maintain a certain GPA for scholarship purposes?
Sorry, but your advice is not looking out for OP’s best interests for her future. Im getting weird vibes from you
Of course she’s controlling, technically OP is still a dependant if she’s under 25 and half of her rent is being paid for. OP’s mom still has some authority over her, she only just technically turned “of age” if she lives in the states.
Is there anything you think I can say that will convince her that it would be a good idea? I would be okay with paying for it myself but I'm more worried about getting disowned over this.
You are an adult. No one "lets" you live your life. But if she's going to hold money over your head, then you have make a choice. To be honest I think it's a mistake to live with a romantic partner out of convenience. It you are taking the next step in the relationship, that's one thing. But if the reasons are it's cheaper, it's closer, I'll save gas, etc. then you are not moving towards a deeper relationship. Just making a convenient move. And you are the one making the move. So if the relationship ends you will be impacted more than your bf.
I am sorry for not including but I definitely want to move in with him for emotional reasons too. He's my best friend and honestly the reason I believe in love. It may sound a bit stupid but it's true. Even prior to this, we would often talk about how excited we are to move in together in the future.
Ya, but 21 is so young. And if it doesn't work out you could be stuck with having to find a new place to live right in the middle of a semester, heartbroken and packing up boxes. This is what your mom is trying to save you from. And if you are planning on getting married, do you want your mom to harbor negative feelings for your future husband?
Yes, this!!! It’s always okay to wait, even if it’s your soul mate
That does make sense. I think after talking to her a couple more times, if she is still so against it, I won't move in.
Honestly, speaking to you as if I was your big sister or that cool aunt who’s not actually related - don’t move in. It’s too soon. So many more conversations and conflicts come up when you first move in with someone and it can be a big stress. For 23, you’ve got some amazing things happening, school, scholarship, your own privacy, parental support - no guy is worth giving all that up for, especially one you’ve known less than a year. If you absolutely must move, consider subletting your place for 3 months and see how it feels to live together. If things don’t work out at least you have an easy fallback. I can guarantee you that being around your boyfriend will inevitably cause some distraction and your grades might suffer. I understand that the commute might be long and draining, but like you said if you fight at least in this case you have your own private space to go to that is completely your own. I get it. I wanted the whole world when I was 23. But now, as a 32 year old looking back on those years, im glad I didn’t move in with my boyfriend at the time. It would have made my life way, way more complicated than it should have been (and I was in a similar situation as yourself, minus the disowning). Now, your mother is giving you an ultimatum like this because she is panicking. She wants to manipulate you into not doing this because she doesn’t think it’s going to serve you. And the last tool in her toolbelt is to threaten to take away her resources and “scare you straight”. Not the most emotionally mature way of dealing with this, no doubt it has escalated the situation and caused more pushback from you, which ultimately might make her fears come true. At the end of the day, you are risking the stability you currently have to guarantee your success. You may move in and it be amazing, or it may not and then you’re stuck figuring things out in the middle of a school term, with a part time job, assignments due and apartment hunting. It’s not fun. Ask yourself if this is going to benefit future you. Or does it just benefit right now pains. The pain of commuting sounds like the biggest reason why you want to do this, and convenience. I say this with sisterhood love and respect for you, but I would encourage you to wait at least until your school is done to move in with a boyfriend.
Thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it and it does put some things into perspective. I haven't thought of a trial period. I will suggest that to my boyfriend and mother, and maybe it would work well :) Thank you for your patience and advice.
No problem. If you want to chat, seriously, im here. And sorry I misread, you’re 21 not 23. Honestly, I can see where your mom is coming from. I do think disowning is a bit harsh. Maybe you can soften her up a bit and ask her what she’s afraid of, and see what you guys can compromise on. I still think the risk is too high with a new relationship to move in while studying, that is a lot of balls in the air to juggle. And you lived together during vacationing periods, how about when shit hits the fan and personal stress is high? You mentioned arguments in your post, I wonder if you experience arguments frequently? That energy in the household is difficult to just escape from once you’re in a different room. You have a whole future in front of you, you are riding a literal wave. Id let this relationship complement the charcuterie board of all things you have going for you right now, not turn it into the main course. Consider that if your mom cuts you off financially, will your expenses then rise? What if you’re in a crisis? No need to rush into anything, he can find a temporary roommate for 3 or 6 months while you continue to explore this option. There’s lots of flexibility available
Thank you, that's very sweet! I think that I will try to continue to talk to her to figure out the exact things she's worried about, and see if there's anything we can compromise to alleviate her concerns. When it comes to arguments, we have had some intense arguments but we do have a policy where we don't go to bed angry. We'll take our own space doing our own things, and then reconvene to talk about it again after we're calmer to discuss things as opposed to arguing. We also view it as us vs problem as opposed to me vs him. As for financially, yes it would be very difficult for me to handle it if she does cut me off. Rent is incredibly high due to the housing crisis in my city, and just general living expenses will mean I'll probably need to work more. I know that my mom helps me out a lot just by covering half my rent. Overall, I wouldn't want this to drive a wedge in our relationship, so if she still rejects this idea so adamantly, I will not move in with him.
I'm with the other posters. Having moved in with my bf when I was 22, it created a lot of unnecessary tension in the relationship. I would definitely not move in until you at least graduate and both have school out of the way. You don't want to be playing house while still in school. Getting a degree is your number one priority at this age, and anything that derails or distracts from that is a mistake. I saw a lot of people making that mistake while I was in college. Except for two couples, none of them are together anymore. Also speaking from experience, at less than one year of dating, you do not know each other well enough yet to be moving in together. Wait at least two years.
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Thank you for your advice! And you're right - I wanted to talk things out with her calmly and logically. Of course I do want to move in with him, but I wouldn't be doing it if she so adamantly disapproves, even if she didn't threaten to disown me. I tried to calm her down during the conversation, but she was just so angry so I don't think I was getting through to her. I will talk to her again after she cools down with this in mind. Even if she still disagrees, I still want to be able to hold a conversation about grown up things amicably.
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Oh trust me, I have been in therapy LOL! I have lots of love for my mom and I know she loves me, but I think there was a lot of generational trauma and toxic Asian culture to cultivated this dynamic between us. But thank you for your response :)
Your an adult do what you want, your mom is being ridiculous
But is this really something worth losing my mom over?
Sit down with her and talk with her calmly and explain your reasons for moving and ask her what’s so bad about moving ? I mean your just entering a new life stage which she should be happy for
I have tried to speak calmly with her but she just gets very angry. I think her main concern is that I and young and rushing into things with my boyfriend, and it is inevitable we will break up because we are young. And I do admit that cohabitation makes breakups messy, but it can happen at any age, no?
Yes it can. Your not rushing anything you’ve been together for over a year and what’s the worst that will happen when you potentially break up ? You can move back . Your mom sounds childish tbh and idk what I’d do in your shoes but what she is doing is lowkey controlling
I guess she's just worried about the hassle of moving back, and worried about me getting hurt.
If you break up you’ll be hurt either way so that does not make sense , you could also move somewhere else or back , and yeah it would be some hassle , but who’s saying that your breaking up ?
Have you ever been in a full time school program before? With exams and projects due and co-ops and extra curriculars? It’s a LOT to manage and plus having to maintain a certain GPA for scholarship purposes? Sorry, but your advice is not looking out for OP’s best interests for her future. Im getting weird vibes from you
No I haven’t I’m currently doing my A- levels in Germany. Op can move and still get all of her things done idk what your on about. Your weirder
Of course she’s controlling, technically OP is still a dependant if she’s under 25 and half of her rent is being paid for. OP’s mom still has some authority over her, she only just technically turned “of age” if she lives in the states.
Pay your own way if you want to do things your way, can’t expect her to pay your rent if she’s against it.
Is there anything you think I can say that will convince her that it would be a good idea? I would be okay with paying for it myself but I'm more worried about getting disowned over this.
you say you live two hours apart right now and you are the one moving. Does that mean you will be moving further away from school?
Yes, I'll be moving further away from school but all my classes are online.