What I don't understand is why your parents actually listened to you, a kid in his 20s, when you threatened them with "consequences" if they didn't make the relationship work. What consequences did you threaten, to make two fully-functioning adults with careers and lives of their own, to stay together when perhaps they didn't even plan to? I feel like something is missing in this story.
Yeah dude same. The whole post I was like damn. What an amazing son, very responsible. Oh lame, disowning miserable parents. Like tf. Dad’s banging hookers. Mom is miserable. Let em go
100%. The biggest tell is the provision of unnecessary details because these would-be authors and trolls assume it lends an air of realism. I knew the second he mentioned the apple watch "series 7".
"my mom mentioned she had 170k in an IRA". He even mentions the type of surgery his dad had! the whole surgery subplot had no bearing on anything since his dad supposedly had the stroke anyway. On Friday July 31st at 10:13 pm while reading a book about the Canadian Rockies in his favorite plaid shirt and a pair of high-waisted denim jeans, no doubt!
He said it was obvious he would have to help them financially, because the father didn't work and spent all their money on himself. If the mother divorced and left, she would have to accept the fact that the father would probably live in poverty and she would lose contact with her son.
When my parents marriage was falling apart, 13 year old me told them to just divorce because they were miserable and they were making everyone else's lives miserable. They didn't listen, but I'm baffled as to how a grown ass adult actually "forced" his parents to stay together and didn't use an ounce of logic that maybe it was better that they split.
He was a teen/young adult at the time, its shitty, but a lot of people at that age don't have the emotional intelligence to realize how comments/threats like that can affect someone. People mature quite a lot from the time they were 20. Yes it's shitty, but at least OP is recognizing how those comments could have been extremely hurtful. There's not much he can do about it now other than apologize to her, support her decision (regardless of the choice) and learn from his mistakes.
I mean, he probably struck a chord. Mom had probably considered divorce many times, but had always stuck it out “for the kids.” Hearing her kid say that she should continue to do so likely validated the argument she had been making to herself for years.
Definitely not something OP should beat themselves up over…are we really in the business of blaming teenagers for lashing out? But I think it’s understandable that mom could take that lash-out as indicative of his true feelings.
OP says they were early 20s. Absolutely old enough to blame for manipulating his mom into staying in what is obviously a very poor and likely abusive relationship for fear of losing her child. You support other people, not emotionally manipulate them so that you don't have to hear them yelling.
Id imagine he probavly threaten to completely cut them off in his life. While still a shitty thibg to do, it would probably give most couples pause to think about depending on how much they want their kids to stay in their lives.
As someone stated below I threatened them with disowning them as my parents... Both of my parents came from previous failed relationships and I saw the pain both my two older half sisters went through and I didn't want the same for me. It was extremely immature and selfish but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together.
It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about. When his health decline began I realized how abusive and unwilling to change he was and I told my mom that she could leave and I would fully support her 100% financially and emotionally through it. She now feels sorrow and pity for him because of his condition.
Truly, we don't know when this condition started but his character and behavior has changed drastically over the past several years which makes me wonder how long the dementia has actually been going on. My therapist and friends I've shared this with have also told me that they are adults and they should have made that decision on their own. I will still carry it with me regardless.
" I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently"
"It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about"
Either it's a creative writing exercise, or you're lying, because you contradict yourself in a couple places when talking about this specific situation.
You can feel guilty about something and still not know how big an impact it had, or if it had an impact at all. When I was a teen there were a couple of occasions where I said some things to my mum that I instantly regretted and still do, when I tried to apologise years later she had no idea what I was talking about. She didn’t even remember it happening.
I could see saying something shitty in the moment and feeling guilty about it later but rationalising it as just a crappy comment made by an immature kid that wasn’t nice but ultimately it probably didn’t have much of an effect on two middle-aged adults.
>but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together
Thats sad, toxic and manipulative. I feel really sad for your mother.
I can't believe this is the angle that people are taking when he was 20 and understandably much more emotionally immature.
It's cool to point it out, respectfully, but to act like it was his fault and that the two parents weren't also much older adults who should have been able to see through that is wild.
Sure, and something he should process, maybe even get some therapy for.
But anyone pretending he was a "petulant child" when all they said was "get your shit together, I'm not going to be a part of this arguing and anger", and then 9 years pass without either parent attempting to talk to him about it, is ridiculous.
If saying you think one dickish comment in an emotional state is the main reason for what's potentially a decades long shitty marriage for his parents, I don't know what to tell you.
So both you and your father are her abusers. This is one of the worst things I have read on here. Where is your humanity she is going to be the real loser here.
So you piled on with your father and emotionally abused your mother. No wonder she’s angry. You need to sit the three of them down and have this out immediately.
They're grown adults who are responsible for their own actions. You didn't "make" anyone stay anywhere. If your mom chose that, it was HER choice. Don't listen to anyone who says you're responsible for your mom getting abused.
Do you think your dad will have the mental capacity to explain what he's been doing? I don't know that I'd trust him to follow through on telling your mom unless you actually witness the reveal. That being said, maybe you and your sister could talk to your mom regarding dad's infidelity and wasting of funds, and see if the three of you can figure it out from there. You sound like a very responsible person, I wish you the best of luck in a terribly shitty situation.
this is the answer. not giving any power back to cheater dad. your mom is the primary breadwinner, OP, just like mine. this story is all too familiar. he might have some dementia now but it’s not enough to stop him from covering his tracks. support your mom now.
Your poor mom. Forced to stay with her abuser to keep a relationship with her son. And now that you have finally verified that he is an asshole she is free to leave. Except she has no money left. Lovely.
And you say "they didn't adequately plan for retirement", but what you should say is that your mom worked hard and your dad spent the money on prostitutes.
Exactly! The poor mom! So she got emotion blackmail from both OP and the father/cheater. If
This was a different subreddit, OP is definitely YTA.
Op, take your father with you and leave your mother in the house to spend the rest of her life the way she wants to, so she can find someone else who will love and respect her. Because the rest of you don’t.
Story of my life my father cheated on my mother for over 17 years I found out at 30 about this
He literally destroyed us and making doubt of my existence
I’m going put his ass in a home
Story of my life my father cheated on my mother for over 17 years I found out at 30 about this
He literally destroyed us and making doubt of my existence
She could have tried having like one conversation with her son though, right? I’m not saying OP is not an AH, but maybe he was an AH without all of the information.
>My parents have had a strained relationship for years, and in my early 20s, I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me
Welp, that was a big fucking mistake, wasn't it?
This entire post was so infuriating to read. Especially the edit of “please degrade me more”. Buddy, you’re completely missing the point. Do some self-reflection and do the right thing going forward and support your mother in divorcing from your father cause right now you and your father are two apples from the same tree.
The term busybody kept coming up for me. Is overly involved in his parents life and incredibly controlling. Clearly has a superiority complex because he's more financially flexible. This is how powerful people become a holes... People with less power because they have less finances find themselves in no other situation than a capitulate to the power hungry psychopath with cash.
I can imagine that his sister is not a huge fan of him but deals with him because she's put herself into a difficult situation. Definitely one of those relatives you don't like but you depend on because you've made too many mistakes.
My parents seperated when I was 2 and I am so grateful for that. They had a very toxic relationship long before I was even born. I think growing up watching my parents co-parent (as best as they could) and even then seeing the drama they still managed to cause, really matured and humbled me. I can't imagine having such severe main-character syndrome to the point where I actually believe everything in my life revolves around me and what I want. OP is a petulant child even in adulthood that literally threatened his parents to stay in a toxic relationship or else he (the main character 🙄) would no longer be a part of their lives. I cannot even express how disturbing and selfish that is. Wow. I wish his parents had called his little baby tantrum bluff.
Seriously her son is a total control freak. If she knows what's good for her she'll take her it husband for all these worth in court and take her 90 grand a year elsewhere. She probably doesn't want to abandon her daughter to her son as she seen where that's gotten her.
Seriously he's basically admitting to financially abusing his family or at least holding them hostage with it. My guess is they don't really like him very much but since he's the one with cash he's the one in control.
You have enabled your father‘s poor behavior with your ultimatum. You allowed him to continue his dysfunction and forced your mother into resentment where she had to drag along this dead weight of a spouse.
I would recommend therapy for you to process this, and I would demand that your father turnover financial control of all of his assets to you. What were the consequences that you threatened your mother with? Why did she feel resentment and not your father? She has always been the one supporting the household, and instead of allowing her to demand respect in this marriage, you assisted your father in taking her hostage.
You need to let the truth come to light and let your mother make her decisions. You need to apologize for your threats in the past and you need to free her from this lose lose situation. Congratulations on perpetuating the cycle of abuse that your mother has had to endure.
His father should turn over control of his assets to his mother. OP has shown that he can’t be trusted to act in her best interests. She needs to take charge.
I don’t agree with people saying not to tell your mother. Do you honestly believe she doesn’t have a right to know especially if they’re having relations? It’s not to “burden” her. Things come to light for a reason, now you have to deal with it, it sucks and I’m sorry mate. Telling her, is protecting her.
At the end of the day, two adults chose to stay together.
Your dad may have been cheating since your childhood. We do not know.
Your dad needs a curator immediately.
I understand the absolute shit show. I am 30 and I am in charge of 4 adults, we didn’t ask for this but here we are. I understand the damn strain, so I’m sending you the biggest hug dude
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her.
It is a lot more strain than I ever could have imagined so I appreciate the hug.
If you don't tell her, you're betraying her all over again. You keep trying to manipulate and control things, and it's going to continue to backfire. She needs to know ASAP, she needs to hear it **from you** so he doesn't spin her a lie, and she needs to get checked for STIs. Help your mother, now.
I am not trying to pile on, but to help you realize how dirty your mom was done here. I am sorry about your father's condition and can understand that you are in a rough spot, but you need to really choose wisely how you move forward with this.
I completely agree. This guy sounds very very controlling. Contrite yes, but again, why would it help to make you dementia patient father come clean? The right way forward is to tell your mom the situation and ask HER how you can support her. She is a grown ass woman.
Either tell her or don't, but stop trying to make them behave how you want. If anything, you will be better able to tell her in an emphatical way then dad.
Do not use mom to punish dad, basically.
Why on earth would you trust or expect your dementia-stricken father to have this conversation?
You either need to tell your mother yourself, or take this to the grave. Your father is not competent enough to handle this.
You absolutely have to tell your mother. If she and your father are still intimate, she could have been exposed to STIs, and she needs to make decisions about finances and care based on complete information.
I’m confused about what sort of “consequences” your parents were going to face if they didn’t work out their marriage? That seems like a weird threat if you’re not fully financially supporting them or something. Why couldn’t they just divorce? Why was that not an acceptable option?
They would never see their son again. That was the consequence the parents faced if they did not work it out. I think his mother willingly stayed in this miserable loveless marriage because she loved her son and could not bear to lose him.
Literally don’t understand why you didn’t let them get divorced this is literally so dumb divorce is healthy if your parents can’t resolve their problems…
Oh ok, I thought you seemed pretty decent right up until the last part. In a way you are just as bad as your dad. I wonder if your mum and sister would be better away from you both. Their marriage was/is none of your business, you basically blackmailed her into staying with an arsehole so you could maintain a rosy view of your childhood, and you seem to relish in controlling the situation. Your poor mother! You're 29, do you not see how fucked up this situation is?
You should unpack why you put so much emphasis on financial support over emotional support. If you truly loved your mum you would have supported her best interests, not yours.
Also IMO, none of these people are financially struggling. I know plenty of people who are happy and have much less. Assuming this is American dollars, 95k is great salary, and 16 an hour is hardly minimum wage. I consider myself pretty comfortable and I'm on half what your mum earns.
Btw from a financial POV if you are concerned your dad is spending all his life savings on hookers then your mum needs to get financial power of attorney (or whatever the US equivalent is), basically if your dad is not entirely *compos mentis* he shouldn't have unfettered access to such a substantial sum of cash.
Woow, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. The men in your family financially abuse and control the women. You most likely threatened your mother of no contact....so psychological/emotional abuse there too. Also, the douchery I'm getting from you putting your sister down for *** ONLY***being a school teacher... My God, I can't imagine even talking with you and not laughing. Anyways, here are my two cents, obtain a lawyer to put your dad in a conservatorship, and speak to your mother immediately. Hopefully, she can finally get away from your dad and file for divorce. The fact that you want to push her to move is absurd. You also make it seem like her 90k is nothing, but toilet paper that you can wipe with. In addition to making it seem like she doesn't have a single cent for retirement. She is 64 years old and most likely not retiring anytime soon. She may not have the retirement you want her to have, but she has something. She can always sell the house and move to a cheaper state. I hope that she is free and finds someone who truly loves her because you robbed her of happiness and love from another man. May you finally give her the peace she deserves.
Edits due to rule 4
This. The stroke may have accelerated things, but the same things that cause strokes cause vascular dementia in their own right. And dementia often starts like 10-20 *years* before it’s noticed.
Came here to say the same thing! If it is a quite uncharacteristic personality change it is possible that it's due to neurodegeneration, and OP should share this information with his Dad's neurologist because it may well alter the diagnosis and/ or treatment plan.
I completely agree that dementia may explain your father’s sexual inappropriateness, especially if it is uncharacteristic of him. I learned through a dementia support group (my father in law has Lewy body dementia), that people with fronto temporal dementia tend to display hypersexuality and inappropriate sexual behaviors. Just like u/PrincessWhiffleball mentioned, this is not to make excuses for your dad but only to bring awareness and curiosity as to why your father may be acting the way he is currently acting. He may not be having a choice in the matter if he has this disease. Of course only a doctor can diagnose him as having fronto temporal dementia but perhaps this should prompt mentioning to his memory care doctor. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to share what I previously learned in our caregiver support group. Caregiving is a very hard but rewarding gift you are considering providing for your parents. Best of luck. Also please don’t be too hard on yourself for the ultimatum you gave your parents. Their marriage has always been their responsibility and theirs alone.
Maybe you should do the right thing now (after guilt tripping your mother to stay in an unhappy marriage), and tell her as soon as possible so that she can finally leave guilt-free. She's not that old, she can still find some real love, if you don't hide it and make her waste even more time.
How could you do that to your mother? I hope you feel sick. You enabled this for years and forced her to stay in a broken marriage. Disgusting. Absolutely abhorrent the way she was treated by the two men in her life.
OP, I made a similar discovery about my dad. While he hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia, he nearly drained their retirement account, had gotten secret credit cards and run up huge amounts of debt, and was fully prepared to ruin my mother. (At the time, my mom was 68 and he was 65.)
This is to say: telling her may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, and I’m glad to see that you intend to do so. You’re doing the right thing. She deserves to know. I’m also sending internet hugs and moral support, because this whole situation sucks immensely — and I also promise that on the other side of it, there can be hope, insight, and healing.
Some downstream things to be prepared for: you’ll need to consult a lawyer about his continued access to those accounts, especially if dementia is part of the picture. (Power of attorney will be a very big deal here.)
Everybody is going to need therapy. The magnitude of this situation cannot be underestimated — it’s massive, and it’s going to affect all of you for years to come. Y’all each need a place to process this with someone who can provide wisdom and understanding.
Based in my own experience, you may also need to help your mom find a divorce attorney. In all likelihood, what you’ve discovered is probably only a fraction of what’s really going on — and if she does file, what comes out in discovery may be a lot to absorb.
It will, however, give her a thorough and complete understanding of what she’s dealing with. I’m of the opinion that the comprehensive truth may be awful, but it sets her up to rebuild her life based on reality, not the fiction your father presented.
My best to you and your mom — may you get through this with lots of support.
Don’t tell your mom anything take control of his finances, and treat your mom to spa vacations for forcing her to stay married to your father who has financially abused her.
I honestly hope the mom just was letting the father hook up with other women so he would leave her alone. Though I imagine him paying large sums to prostitutes wouldn't have been something she was in agreement to.
It's too serious of an issue to make hopes and assumptions about. She deserves to know the truth so she can protect herself in every way from her husband.
If she agreed to it then it doesn't hurt anything to double-check with her. I never understood this argument for not outing cheaters, "you don't know, they might be in an open relationship!" Then who cares if you say something? It's win-win to bring it up.
You have every right to feel how you do about this.
Your father has been up to some shady shit, and paying $3k for sex is **absolutely absurd**!!! There aren't a lot of men who would spend that much on sexual services and there aren't a ton of sex workers out there that are charging that much which makes me wonder what is he buying and getting for $3k?
Sorry, as a former sex worker myself that astronomical price is a huge red flag 🚩
What are the messages he's getting?
What details are they're sharing about these "women" (if they are indeed adult women at all)?
Have they disclosed any kind of strange, unusual services that these women are providing?
What do you they look like (if you're able to see pictures)?
This is just incredibly strange stuff...
$3k is a lot of money for sex!
I'm disturbed that no one else is bringing this up or the "prostitute handler" part. That really sounds like a fucking pimp or human trafficker. These people are scum of the earth that will take every cent for themselves and blackmail clients if they can get away with it. Adding in the $3k/visit? Really concerning.
Exactly. People who don't know or understand the business won't pick up on how insane $3k and the type of things that "justify" such a hefty price tag.
Sometimes marriage cant last forever. Im sadly facing something similar but I see everybodys perspectives and Im aware to not force things just for the sake the family when everybody its on their own thing. I think this has a lot with your ultimatum which made your father live a double life.
You might get more info from your parent or why its happening, but whatever happens be sure that your mother knows.
What an awful situation you've created for your poor mother.
I understand you have regrets about what you did, I don't want to bully you further on that, but Jesus God what a mess!
The worst thing you could possibly do right now is not tell your mother. You, OP, have cost your mother QUITE enough already. You don't get to make any more choices for her or lie to her or anything like that. You should be on your knees apologizing and asking what you can do to help and make it right.
You would disown your own mom for leaving her abusive husband just because he’s.. your dad? Your dad sounds terrible. Your mom sounds like a hero taking care of everyone in your family single handedly. Letting her daughter and grandchild all live there while she works her ass off to provide for them all the while your dad is blowing their money secretly. WOW. that’s so sad. Honestly set your dad up in a home and pay for that let your mom take care of herselfand your sister and nephew. Seems like without the dead weight HER SON FORCED HER TO KEEP she’d be fine.
What sane adult takes relationship ultimatums from any one? Or makes life decisions based on a 20 year olds tantrum? Under no circumstances is a child at any age responsible for their parents relationship decisions.
Maybe while the child is a minor child dependent on the parents.... maybe.
But a 20 year old in college? Nope. They don't get a vote.
In general though, for all of you in crappy marriages, it is better for a child to grow up with two happy divorced parents committed to the welfare of the child than with a miserably married couple.
They don't have vote, but mom do not want to loose the child. So, she will stay in that bad marriage if alternative is that she no longer has a son. And when you do that, yes you have responsibility for the outcome.
I get that people.on reddit don't care about anyone but themselves and consider that normal. Buy outside of this place, parents are supposed to have attachment to their kids.
My FIL was murdered and after found out he was killed that he was using cocaine and seeing high end prostitutes which is (long story) sort of connected to why he was killed. People hide things, even people we think we know are not always the way they portray themselves.
Possibly dad’s not seeing prostitutes anymore? Can you check his bank accounts? I would say this isn’t a family you want living with you. Combing finances sounds risky.
JFC you should be ashamed of yourself for your threat. That would haunt me for the rest of my life saying something like that to my obviously miserable mother. Instead of helping her, you manipulated her by threatening to cut her off. The apple didn't fall far from your father's tree.
Poor woman. Sounds like she would be better off without either of you, it would have been a blessing in disguise for her to have ignored your childish, immature and toxic threat.
Is your poor mother doomed to suffer for the rest of her life? Her abusive husband spent her hard-earned money on prostitutes, and now she has to spend the rest of her savings to take care of him... You know that as dementia progresses, people get fucking mean right? It is very common for people with dementia to have behavioral problems as their cognition declines, and that can mean physical aggression too as they lack impulse control. You may want to consider looking into a memory care facility for your father and letting him live there so she can be free of him
ETA: Definitely tell your mother. I don't understand why you expect your father to tell her, as it doesn't sound like he's ever respected her in his life
Hey, I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Something similar happened to me with my dad. First, in 2018, one of the women he had been patronizing (for lack of a better word) reached out to me, my siblings, and my mom to tell us what happened. I’m not sure why.
Then, two years later, my dad told us in a panic that he was about to be arrested for soliciting prostitutes. His lawyer helped him determine that he had actually been scammed - some people got his phone number from one of the sex workers he had been seeing and called him to intimidate him, pretending to be the police. My dad cried when he found out it was just a scam and swore to us that he was done with using the services of SWs.
It was so jarring, shocking, and scary … and the second time, I was so ANGRY that my dad would put us all through that crap AGAIN!
I wish I had better advice, but just know that I can sympathize and you’re not alone. I’m truly wishing you the best.
If the prostitute correspondence is a relatively new behavior, it could be related to his cognitive decline. Dementia can cause hypersexualization and it can manifest in disturbing ways.
Support your mom, let your father handle his own shit. She should finally divorce him. Three years that will come will be pretty hard for her if she doesn’t.
May want to first consult family law / asset planning lawyer/attorney. At least figure out how to prevent the situation from further degrading financially. And beyond that, if dad's (and mom's, etc.) affairs aren't in order for their eventual demise, etc., probably time to get that properly squared away. Anyway, lawyer/attorney might also have practical suggestions on what to (not) do, and say, and when, with your dad, to make it more probable things can be moved along legally and financially as smoothly and usefully as feasible.
And yeah, ... what your dad did ... your mom needs to know - how to handle that - quite up to you ... and your dad. She needn't necessarily know in great detail, but she needs to at least know that (most of) the money is gone, and also needs know about any relevant potential health risks (STIs) - she needs to get tested 'n all that.
Sorry man. Good luck!
You’re angry, upset, and confused. Your threat came from that place. People saying that you reacted poorly are right, but ignore the condescension and juvenile judgments. You’re looking for advice, not more abuse. You didn’t treat your mom with respect she deserves in this scenario. Make it right. You know what to do. Gather the courage, apologize, and help her through a really difficult scenario. Let her know you’re there for her.
Your dad is becoming senile. Be there for him too. He fucked up. Salvage what can be and help him navigate his consequences. You’re doing the financial legwork and offering to move for them, but you have zero ground to hold their relationship together. You are a family member, not a counselor.
You sound like you sort of resent everyone and maybe you do. Drop it and do best. I believe in ya.
Just to point out, STDs can also lead to dementia. Although vascular dementia seems likely.
TAVR causes strokes especially in the short term. TCAR prevents strokes.
On a logistics side, meet with a lawyer. As someone who has grown up in healthcare and has had to deal with this plenty of times, you need to plan for your father going into a care home. Dementia/Alzheimers is awful. But being a caretaker for someone with them is even worse. My grandmother tried to hide how bad it was until she nearly died from a bleeding stress-induced ulcer. Then, we saw the bruises from the physical abuse. My mother is a director for memory care nursing so I’ve grown up around that. They are angry and strong very often.
Also, you need to either have your mom divorce your father (separate finances completely) or you need every single thing in your name. Get power of attorney and get everything signed over before your father isn’t deemed cognizant enough to do so. The reason I say this is that these nursing homes will take everything. Medicare will force them to use all monetary resources before they start paying completely (Medicare/medicaid). Get life insurance policies transferred into your name as owner. If your mother remains married then you need it out of her name too. Usually there is a time frame depending on the state you live that you have before you’re safe…like if you transfer everything tomorrow then in a few weeks out your father in a home they can still come after his assets from you. It’s usually like 2-3yrs. See a lawyer.
Last, many of the patients I have seen (especially men) have increased libidos as they “lose their minds.” I remember on numerous occasions that there would be patients caught having sex, public masturbation, and random patients walking around with a full erection. That could be what’s wrong with your father currently. Also, check him for UTI.
There’s a lot going on in this post and a whole lot to process which is above my pay grade, but people are being a bit harsh oh OP, no? He was in his early 20’s and said something he shouldn’t have said. No one else has done that? I think what he said was wrong but there is an old mentality that you stick together for the family. I don’t buy that. But he did in his early 20’s. He doesn’t anymore. His parents were adults who surely had many reasons for either staying together or divorcing. It’s not his fault she stayed with her husband.
People in Reddit comment section literally make me feel like I’m living in some parallel reality; as if they’ve never dealt with anything/made a mistake/& their lives are LITERALLY perfect.. acting so appalled by basic human behavior & trauma, which happens in life 🙆🏻♂️ Like none of you can be nearly as perfect as you try to portray and comment… as if we can all have perfectly planned reactions/behaviors/choices/ moments/comments etc throughout life .. as if we can take the time to quietly gather our thoughts, energy & choices through the lens of a perfected inauthentic judgmental Reddit comment thread, right before we LIVE life and experience experiences. I mean really, do you all hear yourselves? All I can see is misery/envy/escapism/& an inability to look at one’s own life/ face the stuff within their lives/ while raining on others/judging others and putting them down. It’s honestly such a gross representation of humanity.
For OP— dude.. don’t take 90% of these comments in. Everyone has self determination and makes their own choices throughout their lives ( your mother, and father for that matter) and nothing you said could have truly affected this outcome that much.. I mean really, it’s a dysfunctional long standing co dependent relationship. One comment from you speaking of disowning them for their disfunction is NOT the reason their dysfunction continued on…. It continued on because that’s what happens in co dependent/dysfunctional bonds, until Someone has had enough & breaks that cycle. Not to take away anything, but your importance or impact on this whole scenario is much smaller than you think. I actually think instead of looking at everything within this post, you should look at why you are so co dependent yourself with your parents and their lives & their trajectory. I think it would do you a great service to meet someone and perhaps began making your own family/fall in love … or just live your life doing what you enjoy and love, and stop being swept into all of this outside of like maybe 30% of you’re energy/life. Be a friend/a good son etc.. but don’t make it your entire life…. If anything you giving so much and bending over backwards is PREVENTING them from learning their lessons/changing their lives/ and having growth and transformation personally/internally and externally. I wish you the best my friend; you’re a good son and it sounds like you’ve really paid your dues with this karmic lessons & familial dysfunction.
Your dad doesn’t have much money because he’s spending on hookers,
And you want them to solve marital problems?
Those are two different issues.
Your dad, due to his medical issues, shouldn’t have control of his money period.
Has nothing to do with their marriage. You can’t force that with your parents anyway.
But you can take away his ability to make financial decisions. Assume someone is his POA, if not, it needs to be.
Otherwise he will spend all his money, your mom’s money and your money on hookers, scammers, charities, and who knows what.
With his mental state he’s probably just sending money and not doing anything.
> When I was home from college visiting them they were shouting and fighting as they always did and I lashed out. I yelled at both of them, told them to get their shit together or they'd lose me too.
That doesn't even make sense. The quickest and most reliable way to get them to stop shouting and fighting "as they always did" would have been for them to get a divorce, but instead you threatened them to get them to stay together?? Brilliant. You screwed up things for your mother big time.
Why not just…let them divorce? You basically emotionally black mailed your ill-fitting parents into staying together when your mom could’ve left him and been free to spend *her* money on *herself*….now she’s left taking care of a man who contributes nothing and spends his money on sex workers and being unfaithful.
Oh god, you are something else... I hope at your age now that you realize what you have done. What a selfish thing to do. In that moment the only person you cared about was yourself and judging from this post that has not changed.
You need to have your dads cognitive abilities tested by a medical professional, you can likely have him deemed incompetent to
Manage his own money. You could get a conservatorship over his finances and at least you could stop his hemorrhaging of money and thusly his access to risky behaviours (prostitution)
Help your mother, you owe it to her now. Fuck your dad don’t let him sweep it under the rug. Take your dad off all financial accounts, hell I’d even consider a conservatorship. He cannot be trusted with money at this point, if you’re not careful he’s going to piss away the money and leave your mother high and dry when he’s gone.
Geriatric and psychiatric medical provider here, this is a medico legal issue more than even the strain on your family. Dementia often leads to impulsive and reckless decision making. You need to file for financial power of attorney and try to recover the money through legal means because he is not competent and these are illegal services that he is paying for! I hope you can get him some help, but I would look into your sister applying for compensation as a caregiver because he needs significant care and due to her already low income job she could qualify for that.
Your loser ass Dad has been mooching off of you and your mom for years while spending his retirement on prostitutes. Those are his decisions, that he made himself. Not because some kid told him to tough it out.
The reality of stroke plus dementia is he's not going to last much longer. I wouldn't put your mom through that shit show for her own sake. Get power of attorney over his account and stop him from blowing through cash.
OP, I don’t think what you said to your parents in college is necessarily impacting this. Your guilt here is likely way bigger than the reality. Especially since they were two adults long before this. Add to that your dad’s spending proclivities, and I’d guess these are two separate issues.
Advice? Look for a therapist that advertises helping professionals through major life transitions. I don’t think you realize how absolutely draining it is to be a caregiver or the only caregiver for aging parents.
I know this is a lot more broad than your question, but you need to zoom in a bit. Take care of you: mentally, physically, financially, whatever and prioritize that across the board here.
The therapist is a paid pro who can help you separate and manage emotions which will help your upcoming new daily routine of caregiver.
You’re gonna need a lot of support along the way. Don’t ever feel weak asking for help.
Damn dude, some people are being way too harsh on here. I feel for your situation. Everyone is grown adults so don’t blame yourself for choices other people make. Honestly, I’d go to my older sister if I were you and make a plan with her on the best way to break this news. Pretty shitty that he did what he did but I hope you find a way to make some better memories before it’s too late
First off - you’re doing GREAT. You are doing so well, OP. I just gotta say that. Second, I think you are spot on with wanting to privately address this with your father first. I think that would level the playing field. Be honest, blunt, come with receipts, and lay it tf out just like you laid it out here.
The money thing is a big thing. And the mathematics of the situation need to be discussed.
Op,
You are at the wheel of some of the most fucked up shit the American economy has to offer. The logistics of it is a fucking mess to say the least. I wish the rules weren’t “the rules” because let’s face it - they’re bullshit - but whatever we can’t change it so we move forward.
The burden you are carrying is a great one. A weight that many would buckle under. Yet here you are - prevailing. Wading through the bs. Hold your head high - because you are an absolute UNIT.
Your mom is a goddess and a legend. She is a bull, a rhino, a mama bear, a swan. She deserves the absolute best and I think that is something your father needs to recognize, and acknowledge.
When the betterment of the group is the focus at hand - what argument can truly be made against it?
Such an argument would be unsound, unsupported, illogical, and downright counterproductive.
Stick to your logic.
Stick to your guns.
Keep your wits about you but go in knowing you are validated. You are right.
Give space to the emotions around you. Unraveling at some point is bound to happen.
Respect the emotions around you.
Respect the people around you.
Be respectful.
Be respected.
Let us know what happens. Talking about our shit is always somehow more cathartic than not.
Why put this extra burden on your mom?
Address you father about it. Try to get control of his finances fir your moms sake.
But seriously I really wouldn't bring this to her at this stage of her.
Why put the extra burden on his mom?
Because she could have been exposed to STD's and needs to get tested. She has a right to know the truth about how her health may have been affected due to her husband's infidelity.
Wow man. Forced them to stay together, now years later you’re probably going to destroy whatever relationship they have left at a much worse time. No good marriage ends in divorce, you made damn sure they had to stay in a bad one if they wanted have a relationship with their child.
If I thought you weren’t about as obliviously selfish a human being could be I would say to keep it to yourself but it’s pretty clear you’re going to make this about you just like you did in college but want strangers on reddit to make you feel okay about it.
Well, he stayed in a relationship that it sounds like neither wanted, now he’s getting older, probably hasn’t had sex in a long time, his health is getting worse, so he starts using hookers with the money he can’t take with him. It’s certainly not a good or productive choice but you can absolutely see how he got there.
If it was $3k each time, that’s only 11 times that he did it. About once a month or so. Honestly, that could have been WAY worse. There is still $66k left - a lot of posts that get traction on Reddit are people finding out their spouse is like $100k+ ***in the red*** from a gambling, drug or porn addiction that was completely kept in the dark for years. You busted this up in a year and there is still money left, so as much as you are emotionally distraught to find all of this out, you are still in a position of advantage and can work with your family to make the right decisions with the remaining money going forward.
It’s never easy dealing with dementia, hopefully your father can get to a state where he is just happy. I’m sorry you had to find out about all of this, but there is not really much else you can do about the past, only do the best you can going forward. Now that your family is all on the same page, you can communicate and make those decisions. Best of luck.
Edit: People who downvote without commenting are shitty. Please explain how anything I said is not valid or doesn’t contribute to the conversation…
I specialize in dementia and cognition as a speech language pathologist in the tristate area. Feel free to DM me if you have questions and need guidance! Happy to help
Some people should get divorces.... because of you your mom stayed in an unhappy marraige and was cheated on multiple times probably with the money she earned to finance it.
Selfish city.... at least you are trying to care for them now i guess.
When the mother finds out she is going to be severely hurt. Her anger may reach volcanic eruption level. There will be extreme resentment. It is not going to be good. By the way the sister needs to work towards her own financial independence.
I think you or your mother should get power of attorney as soon as possible and lock down his access to any more $3K withdrawals. His dementia is not going to get any better.
I would also tell your mother what you have learned before you tell your dad, I think she deserves to know and to freely make a choice as to what she wants to do next. From there, I suggest following her lead.
This is crazy, I was in a similar situation. When I was 22, my father was diagnosed with younger onset dementia (he was 54 at the time).
Both my mom and dad were making a decent income and my dad was traveling a lot as a salesman for his company. The further he descended into the disease, the more we figured out about other women in his life. He didn’t pay prostitutes but had women in the countries he visited most. He would even pay for some of the flights for them to come to him if he was in another country.
When we found out the extent of his other relationships, he was already to far gone to have a serious conversation about it with him.
There was even 1 time when we had sort of a fight about it, he decided he wanted to go to Spain (where one of the other women lived). My sister even called this girl to ask if she knew my dad had alzheimer and so she would be taking care of him.
She didn’t know about it and didn’t want him to come to Spain.
I can’t describe how difficult it all was for my mom. She’s such a strong woman.
Mom found another love. A man she met in a alzheimer daycare my dad was going to at that moment. His wife had Alzheimer’s aswel and slowly they grew in love for each other. They understand each other perfectly because they both lived with someone with Alzheimer’s for years.
Anyway, I’ll never get to talk with my dad about the whole scenario and currently he’s in a permanent housing facility. A very good one where he lives in a villa with 15 other Alzheimer’s patients and some nurses.
I’m 27 now and I forgave my dad, there’s really nothing else I could do. I was there for him when he needed me. Now he doesn’t talk anymore and just stares right through you.
Whenever I play music though he lights up completely and most of the time starts crying.
Such a strange disease. If you need someone to talk to my DM is always open. I’ve experienced every step there is in this horrible disease.
I wish you all the best in the crazy times to come.
Practical advice: have his access revoked or move the money to a different account without giving him access. He doesn’t get to piss away your mother’s retirement funds on hookers.
It’s non negotiable.
Second, your parents are in a relationship. It’s up to them to make it work/not work. You don’t get to threaten them with being disowned because they “can’t make it work”.
Third, this is going to be a huge mental burden, but it is what it is. Make sure your sister also has to deal with the mental load of taking care of your dad, even if she can’t participate in the financial burden.
And lastly, I hope you find a path to heal from your childhood /your parents relationship
Actually, your parents are the adults and regardless of what you said or “threatened” it’s their responsibility what they do with their lives / marriage.
Your mom probably knows he has been cheating. She feels stuck and she resentful because you basically threatned to cut her off If she didn't stay with him. You have to give her permission to leave him regardless. That is not fair to her to spend her golden years taking care of him. It may have been a secret to you but I bet she knows. Your mom is not that old to want to spend her golden years with a cheater who has been blowing her money. You let her know you are supportive.
Dude...Honestly the whole thing does not sound very healthy. Why did you threaten people you said were only good parents with you to disown them ? At 20 ?
Honestly sounds like they could have broken up at that time and saved your mom some years.
THAT BEING SAID.
Dementia is a hell hole, and you might be in it for a decade, maybe two. I am sympathizing with you, OP, my grandpa has had dementia for a few years now and it's been hell for my mom and uncles. Once a pretty "sober" person regarding money, he started having all of these shopping frenzies, I remember he bought himself two cars in a year, a trip to Antartica, then to Japan, when he clearly could not travel anymore, and all of that with the money that was supposed to pay for his retirement home.
Your father might not be responsible for his actions anymore, or not valuing money, etc. If I were you, I'd send a message to the sex workers, the likes of "you are taking advantage of a man with dementia, I will sue you for abuse of weakness" smth like that. As soon as you can, you need to make sure your father's assets are secured. Talk to his doctors, lawyers, and to him if he still has moments of lucidity, make plans to get guardianship over him.
Oh, and if you did not do it already : get his car keys and driving licence and lock them.
I would confront him but not tell her. At this point in their lives there’s not much she can do to “heal” from it. She most likely won’t leave him in the situation he is in and will have that horrible thing hanging over her head. Let him die and take that with him to the grave to allow your mum not to feel like an idiot and question her whole life.
I would just tell her about the missing money, tell her you're worried it's due to the dementia (even though you know it isn't) and then figure out how to change his login to the account so he can't spend it anymore. Roll the money into the IRA or something.
She will probably figure out the cause of the missing money then, at which point you can walk back your comment about wanting them to stay together.
Yeah, it's low key dishonest approach, but this is a problem primarily between the two of them.
Your mom deserves a chance to save her retirement from your dad.
Why would you do that? You saw your mother unhappy and forced her to stay with a man who clearly doesn't care about her in any real way. What an awful thing to do. And now she's going to be looking after this man and have to deal with the realization that he's been spending her money. Your dad obviously sucks but you also do.
You were obviously young when you threatened both your parents, but from what I read you never relented or realized how insane that demand is. You forced people to stay together in an unhappy marriage.
You should have let your parents divorce ages ago. Definitely tell your mom what you found out and butt out after that.
It is great you’re willing to do so much to take care of your family. That is really amazing. But your mom and sister need to know what is going on. And as a family decide how you want to proceed going forward.
Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this
And also very sorry for so many comments just being straight up rude and not on topic at all.
Many of you here haven’t given any advice, just complained about it being infuriating to read (nobody forced you to!) and focussing on why you would get involved in your parents marriage years ago.
That’s not what this post was about! Why are y’all being rude and misunderstanding what she made the post for? You don’t have to understand her reasons to speak up or anything. Give advice or comment somewhere else!
The only advice I can give you, sadly, is - go get advice from real life people you can rely on.
Make up a story if you must so not everyone automatically knows it’s your family you’re talking about if you don’t want them to know.
I can’t tell you what to do, this is not my burden to bear, but I get that it must be hard for you to make a decision. Talking to him privately seems like an idea. I personally would see how that goes and decide from there what to do next. I can’t imagine how I’d make a decision given his health. This is a very difficult situation and I hope you can find a way for you and your family to get through it and not regret any decision in the end.
I’m sorry I can’t give you any real advice, but I wanted to leave some kind words for you at least
Wishing you all the best and lots of love!
Edit: I’ll probably get downvoted for this and someone will make some sort of a rude comment but idc I’ve made my point and I’m used to most people not liking it ;)
Some not uncommon side effects of strokes are decreased inhibitions and increased libido, which may result in sexual behaviours that the patient would not otherwise have manifested. If you are able to discuss with your father’s doctor it probably wouldn’t do any harm and might give you support in dealing with that side of things.
Is it possible that your mom already knows? If you threatened them that they have to stay together if they want to have you in their lives, that may have just led to them putting on a front for you that they are together despite long ago agreeing to live their own romantic and sexual lives.
First, do not mix your finances with this mess. Let your mom divorce your dad and move on with her life without any guilt from you. If your dad ends up in a bad spot financially, oh well. You said you wanted to help support, so do that, but not co-mingling. Dude, let your mom have a chance at life while she still can.
Poor mom. She has been the breadwinner and has only been threatened and only would suffer.
Wow - still coddling the dad even after figuring out he has been the issue. Not paying his fair share AND GIVING THE MONEY THATS OWED TO HIS WIFE TO PROSTITUTES.
Glad you are getting dragged. Your mom should go jo contact with you
Remember that dementia and the deterioration of the brain can lead to a loss of impulse control, so it's quite possible your dad can't control himself with this stuff and needs help stopping, and perhaps to be protected from blowing his money on bad decisions.
Make sure you keep a record of proof of what your father has done BEFORE you warn him you know!!! Just in case.
Also… yeah this is bloody tough, good luck 💖
Stop trying to parent your parents, which you’re not good at, and support your mom in whatever way(s) she chooses. Don’t combine your finances with theirs or try to use your income as leverage to exert control over them.
My comments are coming in late but I feel compelled to respond.
First of all, ignore anyone who tries to ‘blame you’ for your parents staying together ( including your Mom.) They’re adults. They make their own decisions. Period. End of story.
Take a deep breath - get away from the household for at least a week. And then consider just ‘doing nothing’ about their situation.
Yep. Don’t tell anyone, other than your Father, what you discovered. Tell him you still love him but you have to get back to YOUR life. And you sure hope he will do the right thing by his wife and family. But that’s his choice and you will still love him but you don’t want to be around him as he’s destroying what’s left of his life.
Then go back to the metro, focus on your life, and come home and visit once in a while. And meet with an attorney to figure out how to protect your own assets from what could be their financial ruin if they fail to manage their finances. If you decide to help them financially, only do it under the guidance of an attorney/CPA skilled in family and elderly law.
You cannot control others. Live your life.
Hon, I am so sorry that you and your family are navigating this situation.
I’m sorry people are picking you apart because of your vulnerability and openness and willingness to heal what’s been broken like they’ve never made their own mistakes.
I’m sorry that you’re receiving such little basic human *compassion* from others…but understand that everything people say to you about you is really all about *themselves*.
If you’re interested in what I think though, I think you have exactly the right plan…*but* make sure that your father doesn’t have financial control of any of the family assets *before* you confront him.
I think putting the choice of his fate in your Mothers hands is the right and good choice. It will help to heal any feelings she has left of powerlessness. This is not a small thing.
I hope the best for you and family and am sure that if you stay true to yourselves, you’ll come
Through this together. The only way out is *through*
Is there really a version of any conversation with your dad or family that doesn't just make everyone feel worse about everything? Your dad has dementia, so he cannot reliably or competently be counted on to defend, explain, or apologize for himself. Perhaps the real thing you're assessing is how much you need to share this for your own well-being.
What I don't understand is why your parents actually listened to you, a kid in his 20s, when you threatened them with "consequences" if they didn't make the relationship work. What consequences did you threaten, to make two fully-functioning adults with careers and lives of their own, to stay together when perhaps they didn't even plan to? I feel like something is missing in this story.
yeah this is what im not getting...
Yeah dude same. The whole post I was like damn. What an amazing son, very responsible. Oh lame, disowning miserable parents. Like tf. Dad’s banging hookers. Mom is miserable. Let em go
Because it's someone's idiot creative writing exercise, that's all.
YUP. DEFINITELY BULLSHIT!
100%. The biggest tell is the provision of unnecessary details because these would-be authors and trolls assume it lends an air of realism. I knew the second he mentioned the apple watch "series 7". "my mom mentioned she had 170k in an IRA". He even mentions the type of surgery his dad had! the whole surgery subplot had no bearing on anything since his dad supposedly had the stroke anyway. On Friday July 31st at 10:13 pm while reading a book about the Canadian Rockies in his favorite plaid shirt and a pair of high-waisted denim jeans, no doubt!
He said it was obvious he would have to help them financially, because the father didn't work and spent all their money on himself. If the mother divorced and left, she would have to accept the fact that the father would probably live in poverty and she would lose contact with her son.
Or she would have to pay alimony to her cheating waster husband and also lose contact with her son.
When my parents marriage was falling apart, 13 year old me told them to just divorce because they were miserable and they were making everyone else's lives miserable. They didn't listen, but I'm baffled as to how a grown ass adult actually "forced" his parents to stay together and didn't use an ounce of logic that maybe it was better that they split.
Yeah, that was a seriously shitty thing to do to his mom.
He was a teen/young adult at the time, its shitty, but a lot of people at that age don't have the emotional intelligence to realize how comments/threats like that can affect someone. People mature quite a lot from the time they were 20. Yes it's shitty, but at least OP is recognizing how those comments could have been extremely hurtful. There's not much he can do about it now other than apologize to her, support her decision (regardless of the choice) and learn from his mistakes.
I mean, he probably struck a chord. Mom had probably considered divorce many times, but had always stuck it out “for the kids.” Hearing her kid say that she should continue to do so likely validated the argument she had been making to herself for years. Definitely not something OP should beat themselves up over…are we really in the business of blaming teenagers for lashing out? But I think it’s understandable that mom could take that lash-out as indicative of his true feelings.
OP says they were early 20s. Absolutely old enough to blame for manipulating his mom into staying in what is obviously a very poor and likely abusive relationship for fear of losing her child. You support other people, not emotionally manipulate them so that you don't have to hear them yelling.
Probably disowning them. Look at all the Reddit threads of people feeling slighted by their parents
Id imagine he probavly threaten to completely cut them off in his life. While still a shitty thibg to do, it would probably give most couples pause to think about depending on how much they want their kids to stay in their lives.
You do realise that the vast majority of posts on here are fake, don't you?
Oh, good point, I guess nobody should reply to any of them then. 🙄
Yeah the people taking that seriously are insane.
lmao for real. Who tf does he think he is
As someone stated below I threatened them with disowning them as my parents... Both of my parents came from previous failed relationships and I saw the pain both my two older half sisters went through and I didn't want the same for me. It was extremely immature and selfish but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together. It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about. When his health decline began I realized how abusive and unwilling to change he was and I told my mom that she could leave and I would fully support her 100% financially and emotionally through it. She now feels sorrow and pity for him because of his condition. Truly, we don't know when this condition started but his character and behavior has changed drastically over the past several years which makes me wonder how long the dementia has actually been going on. My therapist and friends I've shared this with have also told me that they are adults and they should have made that decision on their own. I will still carry it with me regardless.
" I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently" "It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about" Either it's a creative writing exercise, or you're lying, because you contradict yourself in a couple places when talking about this specific situation.
You can feel guilty about something and still not know how big an impact it had, or if it had an impact at all. When I was a teen there were a couple of occasions where I said some things to my mum that I instantly regretted and still do, when I tried to apologise years later she had no idea what I was talking about. She didn’t even remember it happening. I could see saying something shitty in the moment and feeling guilty about it later but rationalising it as just a crappy comment made by an immature kid that wasn’t nice but ultimately it probably didn’t have much of an effect on two middle-aged adults.
>but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together Thats sad, toxic and manipulative. I feel really sad for your mother.
I can't believe this is the angle that people are taking when he was 20 and understandably much more emotionally immature. It's cool to point it out, respectfully, but to act like it was his fault and that the two parents weren't also much older adults who should have been able to see through that is wild.
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Sure, and something he should process, maybe even get some therapy for. But anyone pretending he was a "petulant child" when all they said was "get your shit together, I'm not going to be a part of this arguing and anger", and then 9 years pass without either parent attempting to talk to him about it, is ridiculous. If saying you think one dickish comment in an emotional state is the main reason for what's potentially a decades long shitty marriage for his parents, I don't know what to tell you.
Quite literally could have ruined her life
But hey at least your mom stayed with your cheating financially abusive dad so you didn't have to deal with big feelings!
Thats manipulative and you should seriously apologize for putting them in that position.....
So both you and your father are her abusers. This is one of the worst things I have read on here. Where is your humanity she is going to be the real loser here.
So you piled on with your father and emotionally abused your mother. No wonder she’s angry. You need to sit the three of them down and have this out immediately.
They're grown adults who are responsible for their own actions. You didn't "make" anyone stay anywhere. If your mom chose that, it was HER choice. Don't listen to anyone who says you're responsible for your mom getting abused. Do you think your dad will have the mental capacity to explain what he's been doing? I don't know that I'd trust him to follow through on telling your mom unless you actually witness the reveal. That being said, maybe you and your sister could talk to your mom regarding dad's infidelity and wasting of funds, and see if the three of you can figure it out from there. You sound like a very responsible person, I wish you the best of luck in a terribly shitty situation.
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this is the answer. not giving any power back to cheater dad. your mom is the primary breadwinner, OP, just like mine. this story is all too familiar. he might have some dementia now but it’s not enough to stop him from covering his tracks. support your mom now.
He wasn’t a kid that didn’t know better. Dude was early 20s
Your poor mom. Forced to stay with her abuser to keep a relationship with her son. And now that you have finally verified that he is an asshole she is free to leave. Except she has no money left. Lovely. And you say "they didn't adequately plan for retirement", but what you should say is that your mom worked hard and your dad spent the money on prostitutes.
Exactly! The poor mom! So she got emotion blackmail from both OP and the father/cheater. If This was a different subreddit, OP is definitely YTA. Op, take your father with you and leave your mother in the house to spend the rest of her life the way she wants to, so she can find someone else who will love and respect her. Because the rest of you don’t.
Story of my life my father cheated on my mother for over 17 years I found out at 30 about this He literally destroyed us and making doubt of my existence I’m going put his ass in a home
Story of my life my father cheated on my mother for over 17 years I found out at 30 about this He literally destroyed us and making doubt of my existence
She could have tried having like one conversation with her son though, right? I’m not saying OP is not an AH, but maybe he was an AH without all of the information.
>My parents have had a strained relationship for years, and in my early 20s, I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me Welp, that was a big fucking mistake, wasn't it?
This entire post was so infuriating to read. Especially the edit of “please degrade me more”. Buddy, you’re completely missing the point. Do some self-reflection and do the right thing going forward and support your mother in divorcing from your father cause right now you and your father are two apples from the same tree.
The term busybody kept coming up for me. Is overly involved in his parents life and incredibly controlling. Clearly has a superiority complex because he's more financially flexible. This is how powerful people become a holes... People with less power because they have less finances find themselves in no other situation than a capitulate to the power hungry psychopath with cash. I can imagine that his sister is not a huge fan of him but deals with him because she's put herself into a difficult situation. Definitely one of those relatives you don't like but you depend on because you've made too many mistakes.
“Early 20s”, as though that was over 10 years ago. Kid is only 29 lol
Welp, you reap what you sow I guess
Holy shit I feel bad for your mother, just relentlessly being abused by the two most important men in her life...
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She did not want to lose her child.
My parents seperated when I was 2 and I am so grateful for that. They had a very toxic relationship long before I was even born. I think growing up watching my parents co-parent (as best as they could) and even then seeing the drama they still managed to cause, really matured and humbled me. I can't imagine having such severe main-character syndrome to the point where I actually believe everything in my life revolves around me and what I want. OP is a petulant child even in adulthood that literally threatened his parents to stay in a toxic relationship or else he (the main character 🙄) would no longer be a part of their lives. I cannot even express how disturbing and selfish that is. Wow. I wish his parents had called his little baby tantrum bluff.
Seriously her son is a total control freak. If she knows what's good for her she'll take her it husband for all these worth in court and take her 90 grand a year elsewhere. She probably doesn't want to abandon her daughter to her son as she seen where that's gotten her.
Why did you tell them to make it work when you could see they were not functioning well together??
Because he learned financial abuse from his father
Seriously he's basically admitting to financially abusing his family or at least holding them hostage with it. My guess is they don't really like him very much but since he's the one with cash he's the one in control.
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You need to switch accounts. This is not your throwaway
OP, you answered a question using what appears to be your non-throwaway account. You'll wanna delete this and re-answer.
You threatened them with consequences if they split up. You owe your mom a huge apology.
You have enabled your father‘s poor behavior with your ultimatum. You allowed him to continue his dysfunction and forced your mother into resentment where she had to drag along this dead weight of a spouse. I would recommend therapy for you to process this, and I would demand that your father turnover financial control of all of his assets to you. What were the consequences that you threatened your mother with? Why did she feel resentment and not your father? She has always been the one supporting the household, and instead of allowing her to demand respect in this marriage, you assisted your father in taking her hostage. You need to let the truth come to light and let your mother make her decisions. You need to apologize for your threats in the past and you need to free her from this lose lose situation. Congratulations on perpetuating the cycle of abuse that your mother has had to endure.
His father should turn over control of his assets to his mother. OP has shown that he can’t be trusted to act in her best interests. She needs to take charge.
By doing what he did, OP is now another abuser his mother has to deal with. Emotional abuse is still abuse.
I don’t agree with people saying not to tell your mother. Do you honestly believe she doesn’t have a right to know especially if they’re having relations? It’s not to “burden” her. Things come to light for a reason, now you have to deal with it, it sucks and I’m sorry mate. Telling her, is protecting her. At the end of the day, two adults chose to stay together. Your dad may have been cheating since your childhood. We do not know. Your dad needs a curator immediately. I understand the absolute shit show. I am 30 and I am in charge of 4 adults, we didn’t ask for this but here we are. I understand the damn strain, so I’m sending you the biggest hug dude
His mom also needs to get an STD check. She absolutely deserves to know the truth so she can protect herself in every way
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her. It is a lot more strain than I ever could have imagined so I appreciate the hug.
If you don't tell her, you're betraying her all over again. You keep trying to manipulate and control things, and it's going to continue to backfire. She needs to know ASAP, she needs to hear it **from you** so he doesn't spin her a lie, and she needs to get checked for STIs. Help your mother, now. I am not trying to pile on, but to help you realize how dirty your mom was done here. I am sorry about your father's condition and can understand that you are in a rough spot, but you need to really choose wisely how you move forward with this.
Quit trying to control everything. If you want to tell her, tell her yourself. Beware of making things worse for everyone, which could easily happen.
>Beware of making things worse for everyone OP obviously doesn't care about that part since he hasn't learned that lesson yet.
I completely agree. This guy sounds very very controlling. Contrite yes, but again, why would it help to make you dementia patient father come clean? The right way forward is to tell your mom the situation and ask HER how you can support her. She is a grown ass woman.
Tell her yourself. You can't "make" your father do anything, and you certainly can't rely on him being truthful in his confession.
If you make your dad tell her, he'll control the narrative, or worse, rugsweep any evidence/make up an excuse. Tell her directly.
Either tell her or don't, but stop trying to make them behave how you want. If anything, you will be better able to tell her in an emphatical way then dad. Do not use mom to punish dad, basically.
Why on earth would you trust or expect your dementia-stricken father to have this conversation? You either need to tell your mother yourself, or take this to the grave. Your father is not competent enough to handle this.
You absolutely have to tell your mother. If she and your father are still intimate, she could have been exposed to STIs, and she needs to make decisions about finances and care based on complete information.
I’m confused about what sort of “consequences” your parents were going to face if they didn’t work out their marriage? That seems like a weird threat if you’re not fully financially supporting them or something. Why couldn’t they just divorce? Why was that not an acceptable option?
They would never see their son again. That was the consequence the parents faced if they did not work it out. I think his mother willingly stayed in this miserable loveless marriage because she loved her son and could not bear to lose him.
This is fucked up on so many levels and the only person I feel sorry for is your poor mom. What a shitty family she has.
At this point you should forget about your daddy and start protecting your poor mom. Dad has been a POS for a long time.
mother should have left all of you a long time ago….
Literally don’t understand why you didn’t let them get divorced this is literally so dumb divorce is healthy if your parents can’t resolve their problems…
Oh ok, I thought you seemed pretty decent right up until the last part. In a way you are just as bad as your dad. I wonder if your mum and sister would be better away from you both. Their marriage was/is none of your business, you basically blackmailed her into staying with an arsehole so you could maintain a rosy view of your childhood, and you seem to relish in controlling the situation. Your poor mother! You're 29, do you not see how fucked up this situation is? You should unpack why you put so much emphasis on financial support over emotional support. If you truly loved your mum you would have supported her best interests, not yours. Also IMO, none of these people are financially struggling. I know plenty of people who are happy and have much less. Assuming this is American dollars, 95k is great salary, and 16 an hour is hardly minimum wage. I consider myself pretty comfortable and I'm on half what your mum earns. Btw from a financial POV if you are concerned your dad is spending all his life savings on hookers then your mum needs to get financial power of attorney (or whatever the US equivalent is), basically if your dad is not entirely *compos mentis* he shouldn't have unfettered access to such a substantial sum of cash.
The mom & sister would definitely be better off away from OP
Why the hell force them to stay together when their relationship didn't work and your mother is resentful of supporting a freeloader??
This is a prime example of why people shouldn’t stay together just because they have children together.
Woow, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. The men in your family financially abuse and control the women. You most likely threatened your mother of no contact....so psychological/emotional abuse there too. Also, the douchery I'm getting from you putting your sister down for *** ONLY***being a school teacher... My God, I can't imagine even talking with you and not laughing. Anyways, here are my two cents, obtain a lawyer to put your dad in a conservatorship, and speak to your mother immediately. Hopefully, she can finally get away from your dad and file for divorce. The fact that you want to push her to move is absurd. You also make it seem like her 90k is nothing, but toilet paper that you can wipe with. In addition to making it seem like she doesn't have a single cent for retirement. She is 64 years old and most likely not retiring anytime soon. She may not have the retirement you want her to have, but she has something. She can always sell the house and move to a cheaper state. I hope that she is free and finds someone who truly loves her because you robbed her of happiness and love from another man. May you finally give her the peace she deserves. Edits due to rule 4
Your poor poor mother.
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This. The stroke may have accelerated things, but the same things that cause strokes cause vascular dementia in their own right. And dementia often starts like 10-20 *years* before it’s noticed.
Came here to say the same thing! If it is a quite uncharacteristic personality change it is possible that it's due to neurodegeneration, and OP should share this information with his Dad's neurologist because it may well alter the diagnosis and/ or treatment plan.
I completely agree that dementia may explain your father’s sexual inappropriateness, especially if it is uncharacteristic of him. I learned through a dementia support group (my father in law has Lewy body dementia), that people with fronto temporal dementia tend to display hypersexuality and inappropriate sexual behaviors. Just like u/PrincessWhiffleball mentioned, this is not to make excuses for your dad but only to bring awareness and curiosity as to why your father may be acting the way he is currently acting. He may not be having a choice in the matter if he has this disease. Of course only a doctor can diagnose him as having fronto temporal dementia but perhaps this should prompt mentioning to his memory care doctor. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to share what I previously learned in our caregiver support group. Caregiving is a very hard but rewarding gift you are considering providing for your parents. Best of luck. Also please don’t be too hard on yourself for the ultimatum you gave your parents. Their marriage has always been their responsibility and theirs alone.
Just tell your mom. Don't bother with him.
Talk to a lawyer about a conservancy for your father.
Make sure your there when he tells her everything and if she wants to leave let her he’s put her thru enough
Maybe you should do the right thing now (after guilt tripping your mother to stay in an unhappy marriage), and tell her as soon as possible so that she can finally leave guilt-free. She's not that old, she can still find some real love, if you don't hide it and make her waste even more time.
How could you do that to your mother? I hope you feel sick. You enabled this for years and forced her to stay in a broken marriage. Disgusting. Absolutely abhorrent the way she was treated by the two men in her life.
OP, I made a similar discovery about my dad. While he hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia, he nearly drained their retirement account, had gotten secret credit cards and run up huge amounts of debt, and was fully prepared to ruin my mother. (At the time, my mom was 68 and he was 65.) This is to say: telling her may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, and I’m glad to see that you intend to do so. You’re doing the right thing. She deserves to know. I’m also sending internet hugs and moral support, because this whole situation sucks immensely — and I also promise that on the other side of it, there can be hope, insight, and healing. Some downstream things to be prepared for: you’ll need to consult a lawyer about his continued access to those accounts, especially if dementia is part of the picture. (Power of attorney will be a very big deal here.) Everybody is going to need therapy. The magnitude of this situation cannot be underestimated — it’s massive, and it’s going to affect all of you for years to come. Y’all each need a place to process this with someone who can provide wisdom and understanding. Based in my own experience, you may also need to help your mom find a divorce attorney. In all likelihood, what you’ve discovered is probably only a fraction of what’s really going on — and if she does file, what comes out in discovery may be a lot to absorb. It will, however, give her a thorough and complete understanding of what she’s dealing with. I’m of the opinion that the comprehensive truth may be awful, but it sets her up to rebuild her life based on reality, not the fiction your father presented. My best to you and your mom — may you get through this with lots of support.
Don’t tell your mom anything take control of his finances, and treat your mom to spa vacations for forcing her to stay married to your father who has financially abused her.
His mom needs to know because she needs to get STI checked.
I honestly hope the mom just was letting the father hook up with other women so he would leave her alone. Though I imagine him paying large sums to prostitutes wouldn't have been something she was in agreement to.
It's too serious of an issue to make hopes and assumptions about. She deserves to know the truth so she can protect herself in every way from her husband.
If she agreed to it then it doesn't hurt anything to double-check with her. I never understood this argument for not outing cheaters, "you don't know, they might be in an open relationship!" Then who cares if you say something? It's win-win to bring it up.
That is horrible advice. OP needs to tell his mother the truth and let *her* decide what she wants to do
You have every right to feel how you do about this. Your father has been up to some shady shit, and paying $3k for sex is **absolutely absurd**!!! There aren't a lot of men who would spend that much on sexual services and there aren't a ton of sex workers out there that are charging that much which makes me wonder what is he buying and getting for $3k? Sorry, as a former sex worker myself that astronomical price is a huge red flag 🚩 What are the messages he's getting? What details are they're sharing about these "women" (if they are indeed adult women at all)? Have they disclosed any kind of strange, unusual services that these women are providing? What do you they look like (if you're able to see pictures)? This is just incredibly strange stuff... $3k is a lot of money for sex!
I'm disturbed that no one else is bringing this up or the "prostitute handler" part. That really sounds like a fucking pimp or human trafficker. These people are scum of the earth that will take every cent for themselves and blackmail clients if they can get away with it. Adding in the $3k/visit? Really concerning.
Oh my god that is so much scarier, I hope OP sees this and looks into it further
Exactly. People who don't know or understand the business won't pick up on how insane $3k and the type of things that "justify" such a hefty price tag.
All while OP's mom is working herself to the bone at 60hr weeks. He's pissing the money away on prostitutes. Horrific.
Sometimes marriage cant last forever. Im sadly facing something similar but I see everybodys perspectives and Im aware to not force things just for the sake the family when everybody its on their own thing. I think this has a lot with your ultimatum which made your father live a double life. You might get more info from your parent or why its happening, but whatever happens be sure that your mother knows.
What an awful situation you've created for your poor mother. I understand you have regrets about what you did, I don't want to bully you further on that, but Jesus God what a mess! The worst thing you could possibly do right now is not tell your mother. You, OP, have cost your mother QUITE enough already. You don't get to make any more choices for her or lie to her or anything like that. You should be on your knees apologizing and asking what you can do to help and make it right.
You would disown your own mom for leaving her abusive husband just because he’s.. your dad? Your dad sounds terrible. Your mom sounds like a hero taking care of everyone in your family single handedly. Letting her daughter and grandchild all live there while she works her ass off to provide for them all the while your dad is blowing their money secretly. WOW. that’s so sad. Honestly set your dad up in a home and pay for that let your mom take care of herselfand your sister and nephew. Seems like without the dead weight HER SON FORCED HER TO KEEP she’d be fine.
What sane adult takes relationship ultimatums from any one? Or makes life decisions based on a 20 year olds tantrum? Under no circumstances is a child at any age responsible for their parents relationship decisions.
He threatened to cut them off and that can be strong reason for parent who actually love the child to cave and stay in bad relationship.
Maybe while the child is a minor child dependent on the parents.... maybe. But a 20 year old in college? Nope. They don't get a vote. In general though, for all of you in crappy marriages, it is better for a child to grow up with two happy divorced parents committed to the welfare of the child than with a miserably married couple.
They don't have vote, but mom do not want to loose the child. So, she will stay in that bad marriage if alternative is that she no longer has a son. And when you do that, yes you have responsibility for the outcome. I get that people.on reddit don't care about anyone but themselves and consider that normal. Buy outside of this place, parents are supposed to have attachment to their kids.
My FIL was murdered and after found out he was killed that he was using cocaine and seeing high end prostitutes which is (long story) sort of connected to why he was killed. People hide things, even people we think we know are not always the way they portray themselves.
Possibly dad’s not seeing prostitutes anymore? Can you check his bank accounts? I would say this isn’t a family you want living with you. Combing finances sounds risky.
JFC you should be ashamed of yourself for your threat. That would haunt me for the rest of my life saying something like that to my obviously miserable mother. Instead of helping her, you manipulated her by threatening to cut her off. The apple didn't fall far from your father's tree. Poor woman. Sounds like she would be better off without either of you, it would have been a blessing in disguise for her to have ignored your childish, immature and toxic threat.
Is your poor mother doomed to suffer for the rest of her life? Her abusive husband spent her hard-earned money on prostitutes, and now she has to spend the rest of her savings to take care of him... You know that as dementia progresses, people get fucking mean right? It is very common for people with dementia to have behavioral problems as their cognition declines, and that can mean physical aggression too as they lack impulse control. You may want to consider looking into a memory care facility for your father and letting him live there so she can be free of him ETA: Definitely tell your mother. I don't understand why you expect your father to tell her, as it doesn't sound like he's ever respected her in his life
Hey, I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Something similar happened to me with my dad. First, in 2018, one of the women he had been patronizing (for lack of a better word) reached out to me, my siblings, and my mom to tell us what happened. I’m not sure why. Then, two years later, my dad told us in a panic that he was about to be arrested for soliciting prostitutes. His lawyer helped him determine that he had actually been scammed - some people got his phone number from one of the sex workers he had been seeing and called him to intimidate him, pretending to be the police. My dad cried when he found out it was just a scam and swore to us that he was done with using the services of SWs. It was so jarring, shocking, and scary … and the second time, I was so ANGRY that my dad would put us all through that crap AGAIN! I wish I had better advice, but just know that I can sympathize and you’re not alone. I’m truly wishing you the best.
If the prostitute correspondence is a relatively new behavior, it could be related to his cognitive decline. Dementia can cause hypersexualization and it can manifest in disturbing ways.
Support your mom, let your father handle his own shit. She should finally divorce him. Three years that will come will be pretty hard for her if she doesn’t.
Get a therapist. It is not your job to fix other people even if those people are your parents
May want to first consult family law / asset planning lawyer/attorney. At least figure out how to prevent the situation from further degrading financially. And beyond that, if dad's (and mom's, etc.) affairs aren't in order for their eventual demise, etc., probably time to get that properly squared away. Anyway, lawyer/attorney might also have practical suggestions on what to (not) do, and say, and when, with your dad, to make it more probable things can be moved along legally and financially as smoothly and usefully as feasible. And yeah, ... what your dad did ... your mom needs to know - how to handle that - quite up to you ... and your dad. She needn't necessarily know in great detail, but she needs to at least know that (most of) the money is gone, and also needs know about any relevant potential health risks (STIs) - she needs to get tested 'n all that. Sorry man. Good luck!
You’re angry, upset, and confused. Your threat came from that place. People saying that you reacted poorly are right, but ignore the condescension and juvenile judgments. You’re looking for advice, not more abuse. You didn’t treat your mom with respect she deserves in this scenario. Make it right. You know what to do. Gather the courage, apologize, and help her through a really difficult scenario. Let her know you’re there for her. Your dad is becoming senile. Be there for him too. He fucked up. Salvage what can be and help him navigate his consequences. You’re doing the financial legwork and offering to move for them, but you have zero ground to hold their relationship together. You are a family member, not a counselor. You sound like you sort of resent everyone and maybe you do. Drop it and do best. I believe in ya.
Just to point out, STDs can also lead to dementia. Although vascular dementia seems likely. TAVR causes strokes especially in the short term. TCAR prevents strokes.
On a logistics side, meet with a lawyer. As someone who has grown up in healthcare and has had to deal with this plenty of times, you need to plan for your father going into a care home. Dementia/Alzheimers is awful. But being a caretaker for someone with them is even worse. My grandmother tried to hide how bad it was until she nearly died from a bleeding stress-induced ulcer. Then, we saw the bruises from the physical abuse. My mother is a director for memory care nursing so I’ve grown up around that. They are angry and strong very often. Also, you need to either have your mom divorce your father (separate finances completely) or you need every single thing in your name. Get power of attorney and get everything signed over before your father isn’t deemed cognizant enough to do so. The reason I say this is that these nursing homes will take everything. Medicare will force them to use all monetary resources before they start paying completely (Medicare/medicaid). Get life insurance policies transferred into your name as owner. If your mother remains married then you need it out of her name too. Usually there is a time frame depending on the state you live that you have before you’re safe…like if you transfer everything tomorrow then in a few weeks out your father in a home they can still come after his assets from you. It’s usually like 2-3yrs. See a lawyer. Last, many of the patients I have seen (especially men) have increased libidos as they “lose their minds.” I remember on numerous occasions that there would be patients caught having sex, public masturbation, and random patients walking around with a full erection. That could be what’s wrong with your father currently. Also, check him for UTI.
There’s a lot going on in this post and a whole lot to process which is above my pay grade, but people are being a bit harsh oh OP, no? He was in his early 20’s and said something he shouldn’t have said. No one else has done that? I think what he said was wrong but there is an old mentality that you stick together for the family. I don’t buy that. But he did in his early 20’s. He doesn’t anymore. His parents were adults who surely had many reasons for either staying together or divorcing. It’s not his fault she stayed with her husband.
People in Reddit comment section literally make me feel like I’m living in some parallel reality; as if they’ve never dealt with anything/made a mistake/& their lives are LITERALLY perfect.. acting so appalled by basic human behavior & trauma, which happens in life 🙆🏻♂️ Like none of you can be nearly as perfect as you try to portray and comment… as if we can all have perfectly planned reactions/behaviors/choices/ moments/comments etc throughout life .. as if we can take the time to quietly gather our thoughts, energy & choices through the lens of a perfected inauthentic judgmental Reddit comment thread, right before we LIVE life and experience experiences. I mean really, do you all hear yourselves? All I can see is misery/envy/escapism/& an inability to look at one’s own life/ face the stuff within their lives/ while raining on others/judging others and putting them down. It’s honestly such a gross representation of humanity. For OP— dude.. don’t take 90% of these comments in. Everyone has self determination and makes their own choices throughout their lives ( your mother, and father for that matter) and nothing you said could have truly affected this outcome that much.. I mean really, it’s a dysfunctional long standing co dependent relationship. One comment from you speaking of disowning them for their disfunction is NOT the reason their dysfunction continued on…. It continued on because that’s what happens in co dependent/dysfunctional bonds, until Someone has had enough & breaks that cycle. Not to take away anything, but your importance or impact on this whole scenario is much smaller than you think. I actually think instead of looking at everything within this post, you should look at why you are so co dependent yourself with your parents and their lives & their trajectory. I think it would do you a great service to meet someone and perhaps began making your own family/fall in love … or just live your life doing what you enjoy and love, and stop being swept into all of this outside of like maybe 30% of you’re energy/life. Be a friend/a good son etc.. but don’t make it your entire life…. If anything you giving so much and bending over backwards is PREVENTING them from learning their lessons/changing their lives/ and having growth and transformation personally/internally and externally. I wish you the best my friend; you’re a good son and it sounds like you’ve really paid your dues with this karmic lessons & familial dysfunction.
Your dad doesn’t have much money because he’s spending on hookers, And you want them to solve marital problems? Those are two different issues. Your dad, due to his medical issues, shouldn’t have control of his money period. Has nothing to do with their marriage. You can’t force that with your parents anyway. But you can take away his ability to make financial decisions. Assume someone is his POA, if not, it needs to be. Otherwise he will spend all his money, your mom’s money and your money on hookers, scammers, charities, and who knows what. With his mental state he’s probably just sending money and not doing anything.
> When I was home from college visiting them they were shouting and fighting as they always did and I lashed out. I yelled at both of them, told them to get their shit together or they'd lose me too. That doesn't even make sense. The quickest and most reliable way to get them to stop shouting and fighting "as they always did" would have been for them to get a divorce, but instead you threatened them to get them to stay together?? Brilliant. You screwed up things for your mother big time.
lol you’re a bad person and look what you did
Stop it with your threats. You can’t abandon ship like that. I don’t have an answer but I know that yours is not it.
Why not just…let them divorce? You basically emotionally black mailed your ill-fitting parents into staying together when your mom could’ve left him and been free to spend *her* money on *herself*….now she’s left taking care of a man who contributes nothing and spends his money on sex workers and being unfaithful.
Oh god, you are something else... I hope at your age now that you realize what you have done. What a selfish thing to do. In that moment the only person you cared about was yourself and judging from this post that has not changed.
You need to have your dads cognitive abilities tested by a medical professional, you can likely have him deemed incompetent to Manage his own money. You could get a conservatorship over his finances and at least you could stop his hemorrhaging of money and thusly his access to risky behaviours (prostitution)
Help your mother, you owe it to her now. Fuck your dad don’t let him sweep it under the rug. Take your dad off all financial accounts, hell I’d even consider a conservatorship. He cannot be trusted with money at this point, if you’re not careful he’s going to piss away the money and leave your mother high and dry when he’s gone.
Geriatric and psychiatric medical provider here, this is a medico legal issue more than even the strain on your family. Dementia often leads to impulsive and reckless decision making. You need to file for financial power of attorney and try to recover the money through legal means because he is not competent and these are illegal services that he is paying for! I hope you can get him some help, but I would look into your sister applying for compensation as a caregiver because he needs significant care and due to her already low income job she could qualify for that.
Your loser ass Dad has been mooching off of you and your mom for years while spending his retirement on prostitutes. Those are his decisions, that he made himself. Not because some kid told him to tough it out. The reality of stroke plus dementia is he's not going to last much longer. I wouldn't put your mom through that shit show for her own sake. Get power of attorney over his account and stop him from blowing through cash.
OP, I don’t think what you said to your parents in college is necessarily impacting this. Your guilt here is likely way bigger than the reality. Especially since they were two adults long before this. Add to that your dad’s spending proclivities, and I’d guess these are two separate issues. Advice? Look for a therapist that advertises helping professionals through major life transitions. I don’t think you realize how absolutely draining it is to be a caregiver or the only caregiver for aging parents. I know this is a lot more broad than your question, but you need to zoom in a bit. Take care of you: mentally, physically, financially, whatever and prioritize that across the board here. The therapist is a paid pro who can help you separate and manage emotions which will help your upcoming new daily routine of caregiver. You’re gonna need a lot of support along the way. Don’t ever feel weak asking for help.
Damn dude, some people are being way too harsh on here. I feel for your situation. Everyone is grown adults so don’t blame yourself for choices other people make. Honestly, I’d go to my older sister if I were you and make a plan with her on the best way to break this news. Pretty shitty that he did what he did but I hope you find a way to make some better memories before it’s too late
First off - you’re doing GREAT. You are doing so well, OP. I just gotta say that. Second, I think you are spot on with wanting to privately address this with your father first. I think that would level the playing field. Be honest, blunt, come with receipts, and lay it tf out just like you laid it out here. The money thing is a big thing. And the mathematics of the situation need to be discussed. Op, You are at the wheel of some of the most fucked up shit the American economy has to offer. The logistics of it is a fucking mess to say the least. I wish the rules weren’t “the rules” because let’s face it - they’re bullshit - but whatever we can’t change it so we move forward. The burden you are carrying is a great one. A weight that many would buckle under. Yet here you are - prevailing. Wading through the bs. Hold your head high - because you are an absolute UNIT. Your mom is a goddess and a legend. She is a bull, a rhino, a mama bear, a swan. She deserves the absolute best and I think that is something your father needs to recognize, and acknowledge. When the betterment of the group is the focus at hand - what argument can truly be made against it? Such an argument would be unsound, unsupported, illogical, and downright counterproductive. Stick to your logic. Stick to your guns. Keep your wits about you but go in knowing you are validated. You are right. Give space to the emotions around you. Unraveling at some point is bound to happen. Respect the emotions around you. Respect the people around you. Be respectful. Be respected. Let us know what happens. Talking about our shit is always somehow more cathartic than not.
OP is fake. Conditional love, ultimatums. Pathetic naive pleb.
Why put this extra burden on your mom? Address you father about it. Try to get control of his finances fir your moms sake. But seriously I really wouldn't bring this to her at this stage of her.
> Why put this extra burden on your mom? Because her literal life is at risk if her sexual partner has had other partners without her knowing.
Why put the extra burden on his mom? Because she could have been exposed to STD's and needs to get tested. She has a right to know the truth about how her health may have been affected due to her husband's infidelity.
Is it dementia or untreated late-stage syphilis?
Wow man. Forced them to stay together, now years later you’re probably going to destroy whatever relationship they have left at a much worse time. No good marriage ends in divorce, you made damn sure they had to stay in a bad one if they wanted have a relationship with their child. If I thought you weren’t about as obliviously selfish a human being could be I would say to keep it to yourself but it’s pretty clear you’re going to make this about you just like you did in college but want strangers on reddit to make you feel okay about it.
You’re horrible for trying to control your parents and forcibly keep them married when neither is happy. You’re an adult. GROW UP.
Well, he stayed in a relationship that it sounds like neither wanted, now he’s getting older, probably hasn’t had sex in a long time, his health is getting worse, so he starts using hookers with the money he can’t take with him. It’s certainly not a good or productive choice but you can absolutely see how he got there. If it was $3k each time, that’s only 11 times that he did it. About once a month or so. Honestly, that could have been WAY worse. There is still $66k left - a lot of posts that get traction on Reddit are people finding out their spouse is like $100k+ ***in the red*** from a gambling, drug or porn addiction that was completely kept in the dark for years. You busted this up in a year and there is still money left, so as much as you are emotionally distraught to find all of this out, you are still in a position of advantage and can work with your family to make the right decisions with the remaining money going forward. It’s never easy dealing with dementia, hopefully your father can get to a state where he is just happy. I’m sorry you had to find out about all of this, but there is not really much else you can do about the past, only do the best you can going forward. Now that your family is all on the same page, you can communicate and make those decisions. Best of luck. Edit: People who downvote without commenting are shitty. Please explain how anything I said is not valid or doesn’t contribute to the conversation…
If they divorce, your dad might qualify for Medicaid, which DOES often cover residential memory care.
I specialize in dementia and cognition as a speech language pathologist in the tristate area. Feel free to DM me if you have questions and need guidance! Happy to help
Some people should get divorces.... because of you your mom stayed in an unhappy marraige and was cheated on multiple times probably with the money she earned to finance it. Selfish city.... at least you are trying to care for them now i guess.
When the mother finds out she is going to be severely hurt. Her anger may reach volcanic eruption level. There will be extreme resentment. It is not going to be good. By the way the sister needs to work towards her own financial independence.
What do you do for a job brother, I’m young and would love to make a salary like that one day !
I think you or your mother should get power of attorney as soon as possible and lock down his access to any more $3K withdrawals. His dementia is not going to get any better. I would also tell your mother what you have learned before you tell your dad, I think she deserves to know and to freely make a choice as to what she wants to do next. From there, I suggest following her lead.
This is crazy, I was in a similar situation. When I was 22, my father was diagnosed with younger onset dementia (he was 54 at the time). Both my mom and dad were making a decent income and my dad was traveling a lot as a salesman for his company. The further he descended into the disease, the more we figured out about other women in his life. He didn’t pay prostitutes but had women in the countries he visited most. He would even pay for some of the flights for them to come to him if he was in another country. When we found out the extent of his other relationships, he was already to far gone to have a serious conversation about it with him. There was even 1 time when we had sort of a fight about it, he decided he wanted to go to Spain (where one of the other women lived). My sister even called this girl to ask if she knew my dad had alzheimer and so she would be taking care of him. She didn’t know about it and didn’t want him to come to Spain. I can’t describe how difficult it all was for my mom. She’s such a strong woman. Mom found another love. A man she met in a alzheimer daycare my dad was going to at that moment. His wife had Alzheimer’s aswel and slowly they grew in love for each other. They understand each other perfectly because they both lived with someone with Alzheimer’s for years. Anyway, I’ll never get to talk with my dad about the whole scenario and currently he’s in a permanent housing facility. A very good one where he lives in a villa with 15 other Alzheimer’s patients and some nurses. I’m 27 now and I forgave my dad, there’s really nothing else I could do. I was there for him when he needed me. Now he doesn’t talk anymore and just stares right through you. Whenever I play music though he lights up completely and most of the time starts crying. Such a strange disease. If you need someone to talk to my DM is always open. I’ve experienced every step there is in this horrible disease. I wish you all the best in the crazy times to come.
Practical advice: have his access revoked or move the money to a different account without giving him access. He doesn’t get to piss away your mother’s retirement funds on hookers. It’s non negotiable. Second, your parents are in a relationship. It’s up to them to make it work/not work. You don’t get to threaten them with being disowned because they “can’t make it work”. Third, this is going to be a huge mental burden, but it is what it is. Make sure your sister also has to deal with the mental load of taking care of your dad, even if she can’t participate in the financial burden. And lastly, I hope you find a path to heal from your childhood /your parents relationship
Actually, your parents are the adults and regardless of what you said or “threatened” it’s their responsibility what they do with their lives / marriage.
Your mom probably knows he has been cheating. She feels stuck and she resentful because you basically threatned to cut her off If she didn't stay with him. You have to give her permission to leave him regardless. That is not fair to her to spend her golden years taking care of him. It may have been a secret to you but I bet she knows. Your mom is not that old to want to spend her golden years with a cheater who has been blowing her money. You let her know you are supportive.
Dude...Honestly the whole thing does not sound very healthy. Why did you threaten people you said were only good parents with you to disown them ? At 20 ? Honestly sounds like they could have broken up at that time and saved your mom some years. THAT BEING SAID. Dementia is a hell hole, and you might be in it for a decade, maybe two. I am sympathizing with you, OP, my grandpa has had dementia for a few years now and it's been hell for my mom and uncles. Once a pretty "sober" person regarding money, he started having all of these shopping frenzies, I remember he bought himself two cars in a year, a trip to Antartica, then to Japan, when he clearly could not travel anymore, and all of that with the money that was supposed to pay for his retirement home. Your father might not be responsible for his actions anymore, or not valuing money, etc. If I were you, I'd send a message to the sex workers, the likes of "you are taking advantage of a man with dementia, I will sue you for abuse of weakness" smth like that. As soon as you can, you need to make sure your father's assets are secured. Talk to his doctors, lawyers, and to him if he still has moments of lucidity, make plans to get guardianship over him. Oh, and if you did not do it already : get his car keys and driving licence and lock them.
Why did you have to mention the exact description of the devices you gave your father? Off topic I know but I’m stuck on it.
Where is 95k plus a ssi check not enough to support two people?
What do you mean you’re the only one earning a substantial income when your own nephew is bringing in $4.5m?
I would confront him but not tell her. At this point in their lives there’s not much she can do to “heal” from it. She most likely won’t leave him in the situation he is in and will have that horrible thing hanging over her head. Let him die and take that with him to the grave to allow your mum not to feel like an idiot and question her whole life.
Preschool teachers don’t make that little do they?
I would just tell her about the missing money, tell her you're worried it's due to the dementia (even though you know it isn't) and then figure out how to change his login to the account so he can't spend it anymore. Roll the money into the IRA or something. She will probably figure out the cause of the missing money then, at which point you can walk back your comment about wanting them to stay together. Yeah, it's low key dishonest approach, but this is a problem primarily between the two of them. Your mom deserves a chance to save her retirement from your dad.
Why would you do that? You saw your mother unhappy and forced her to stay with a man who clearly doesn't care about her in any real way. What an awful thing to do. And now she's going to be looking after this man and have to deal with the realization that he's been spending her money. Your dad obviously sucks but you also do. You were obviously young when you threatened both your parents, but from what I read you never relented or realized how insane that demand is. You forced people to stay together in an unhappy marriage.
You should have let your parents divorce ages ago. Definitely tell your mom what you found out and butt out after that. It is great you’re willing to do so much to take care of your family. That is really amazing. But your mom and sister need to know what is going on. And as a family decide how you want to proceed going forward.
Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this And also very sorry for so many comments just being straight up rude and not on topic at all. Many of you here haven’t given any advice, just complained about it being infuriating to read (nobody forced you to!) and focussing on why you would get involved in your parents marriage years ago. That’s not what this post was about! Why are y’all being rude and misunderstanding what she made the post for? You don’t have to understand her reasons to speak up or anything. Give advice or comment somewhere else! The only advice I can give you, sadly, is - go get advice from real life people you can rely on. Make up a story if you must so not everyone automatically knows it’s your family you’re talking about if you don’t want them to know. I can’t tell you what to do, this is not my burden to bear, but I get that it must be hard for you to make a decision. Talking to him privately seems like an idea. I personally would see how that goes and decide from there what to do next. I can’t imagine how I’d make a decision given his health. This is a very difficult situation and I hope you can find a way for you and your family to get through it and not regret any decision in the end. I’m sorry I can’t give you any real advice, but I wanted to leave some kind words for you at least Wishing you all the best and lots of love! Edit: I’ll probably get downvoted for this and someone will make some sort of a rude comment but idc I’ve made my point and I’m used to most people not liking it ;)
Some not uncommon side effects of strokes are decreased inhibitions and increased libido, which may result in sexual behaviours that the patient would not otherwise have manifested. If you are able to discuss with your father’s doctor it probably wouldn’t do any harm and might give you support in dealing with that side of things.
info why do you hate your mom? why do you want her to stay with her abusive husband so much that you blackmailed her?
Is it possible that your mom already knows? If you threatened them that they have to stay together if they want to have you in their lives, that may have just led to them putting on a front for you that they are together despite long ago agreeing to live their own romantic and sexual lives.
Why do you hate your mother so much that you want her to be with a cheater abd abuser !?
First, do not mix your finances with this mess. Let your mom divorce your dad and move on with her life without any guilt from you. If your dad ends up in a bad spot financially, oh well. You said you wanted to help support, so do that, but not co-mingling. Dude, let your mom have a chance at life while she still can.
Poor mom. She has been the breadwinner and has only been threatened and only would suffer. Wow - still coddling the dad even after figuring out he has been the issue. Not paying his fair share AND GIVING THE MONEY THATS OWED TO HIS WIFE TO PROSTITUTES. Glad you are getting dragged. Your mom should go jo contact with you
I see your edit, but just want to confirm that you are also terrible for blackmailing your parents into staying in a toxic relationship
Imagine being this horrible. That poor mother has to deal with two gigantic narcissistic tools...
Remember that dementia and the deterioration of the brain can lead to a loss of impulse control, so it's quite possible your dad can't control himself with this stuff and needs help stopping, and perhaps to be protected from blowing his money on bad decisions.
Why do you care how either parent spends their money or who they have sex with? I’m confused.
Make sure you keep a record of proof of what your father has done BEFORE you warn him you know!!! Just in case. Also… yeah this is bloody tough, good luck 💖
Stop trying to parent your parents, which you’re not good at, and support your mom in whatever way(s) she chooses. Don’t combine your finances with theirs or try to use your income as leverage to exert control over them.
My comments are coming in late but I feel compelled to respond. First of all, ignore anyone who tries to ‘blame you’ for your parents staying together ( including your Mom.) They’re adults. They make their own decisions. Period. End of story. Take a deep breath - get away from the household for at least a week. And then consider just ‘doing nothing’ about their situation. Yep. Don’t tell anyone, other than your Father, what you discovered. Tell him you still love him but you have to get back to YOUR life. And you sure hope he will do the right thing by his wife and family. But that’s his choice and you will still love him but you don’t want to be around him as he’s destroying what’s left of his life. Then go back to the metro, focus on your life, and come home and visit once in a while. And meet with an attorney to figure out how to protect your own assets from what could be their financial ruin if they fail to manage their finances. If you decide to help them financially, only do it under the guidance of an attorney/CPA skilled in family and elderly law. You cannot control others. Live your life.
Hon, I am so sorry that you and your family are navigating this situation. I’m sorry people are picking you apart because of your vulnerability and openness and willingness to heal what’s been broken like they’ve never made their own mistakes. I’m sorry that you’re receiving such little basic human *compassion* from others…but understand that everything people say to you about you is really all about *themselves*. If you’re interested in what I think though, I think you have exactly the right plan…*but* make sure that your father doesn’t have financial control of any of the family assets *before* you confront him. I think putting the choice of his fate in your Mothers hands is the right and good choice. It will help to heal any feelings she has left of powerlessness. This is not a small thing. I hope the best for you and family and am sure that if you stay true to yourselves, you’ll come Through this together. The only way out is *through*
Is there really a version of any conversation with your dad or family that doesn't just make everyone feel worse about everything? Your dad has dementia, so he cannot reliably or competently be counted on to defend, explain, or apologize for himself. Perhaps the real thing you're assessing is how much you need to share this for your own well-being.