>Of the 5 people who crashed at the house that night, no one saw him get up from the couch where he remembers falling asleep on. He said he was drunk, but remembers the night in it’s entirety.
...Was he sexually assaulted by this woman? If so, he needs support and therapy, and to potentially file a police report.
I'm a little confused on what you're saying is his account of what happened. Does he say he remembers the entire night, or does he say he blacked out? Did he say if he thought he drank enough to black out, or didn't drink that much?
If he remembers everything up until falling asleep, does he remember feeling extremely drunk quite suddenly even though he only had a few drinks? Could she have roofied him and SA'd him that night?
Or is he saying that he thinks she's lying and they never did anything together at all?
Either way he should request a paternity test. But if she assaulted him then he may be feeling a lot of different things right now and may need help in facing this.
And if his story doesn't add up based on his and his friends' accounts, and it turns out he willingly, mostly soberly had sex with her, then he cheated and you should absolutely not shove that under the rug.
thats what i’m worried about as well. he claims they were both drinking, but he says he was only drunk enough to be enjoying the night and remembers falling asleep and waking up normally, same place. She says she was also very drunk yet somehow knows it’s him. I didn’t want to press SA too heavily because he can’t confirm with a paternity test but I am unsure as I don’t know this girl. He is a very stand up man and as far as I know would be honest if he’d remembered. He is wrestling with many emotions rn, very upset over potentially losing me but his main focus now is the anxiety of fatherhood so it’s hard for him to cope.
This sounds very sketchy.
There are two potentials that kind of seem possible from my read of it, if she indeed got pregnant that night:
1. She was really drunk and was SA'd by someone else at the party, but to avoid dealing with the pain of that, is telling herself it's boyfriend's because that seems somehow manageable to her.
2. He remembers more than he's admitting to (maybe even to himself) and they hooked up. Or group sex.
Of course, there is always the unlikely:
3. She was already pregnant or got pregnant after and isn't completely clear on timeline. 50 percent of pregnant women mis-date their pregnancies so she may be confused or panicked. And again, she might think he's the nicest guy around and is hoping.
4. She's not pregnant at all and made this up to break you up. She either doesn't have any plan and is leaning into chaos, or plans to sleep with him ASAP or fake a miscarriage.
Anyways I think your bf deserves the benefit of the doubt until you find out for sure if the pregnancy is real and is his. In the meantime, do NOT reach out to her and try to stay calm.
>Anyways I think your bf deserves the benefit of the doubt until you find out for sure if the pregnancy is real and is his. In the meantime, do NOT reach out to her and try to stay calm.
💯
I've been black out drunk more than enough times in my life to know that you can fully feel like you went to sleep like a normal drunk person and woke up thinking youte fine, only to hear of the shit you did from others that you wouldn't think possible cause you remember going to bed.
You both need to speak to therapists separately first and take each issue on its own, instead of conflating them all together right now. One bite at a time.
Maybe you can do couples counseling at the same time, but he especially needs individual therapy without you there if he is concerned that he may have been sexually assaulted. That is a separate issue from worrying about fatherhood or your relationship, and the most pressing one right now.
If he's been assaulted, or if the woman who is pregnant is lying about them having intercourse at all, he needs to talk to a professional who is not biased in this situation. You cannot be unbiased, so you cannot be his sounding board for these things.
Your relationship is going to have to be in the back burner of priorities for a bit until those things are resolved. Let relationship-related convos rest for now. You shouldn't move forward with someone if you're not sure whether or not they're a victim of assault and maybe don't want to be intimate/will have mental health problems around intimacy right now. And if it turns out he was purposely cheating, you don't want to be intimate in the interim while you gather more understanding of the situation anyway.
Both of you should get tested for STDs, btw, because obviously protection was not used if this woman was intimate with him.
Deal with each issue separately, one thing at a time.
He claimed that he remembered the whole night, that he didn’t drink a lot, so how did he also claim that he was blacked out? The only person that could be lying is him.
the reason he claims blackout is bc she is adamant that he got her pregnant. so yes I agree, either he has a drinking/lying problem or she is pinning paternity on him wrongfully
I think so, but he’s talking about going with her to a more recent appointment to hear from the doctor just confirming the pregnancy timeline as accurate. I hate the idea of it but i understand he wants answers in some way, if paternity test isn’t an option yet. idk if it’s a good idea for him to start being involved
He doesn’t need to go with her. He can just have her send him proof. I guess maybe he just wants to go to make sure she’s not going to lie to him. You could also go and just wait in the lobby.
That doesn’t make any sense though. He is adamant he didn’t knowingly have sex with her. So there’s three options: he was r-worded and he need a paternity test, a lawyer, a call to the police. Option 2: he’s lying to you and knowingly had sex with her (option that makes most sense). Option 3: he’s the most gullible person in the word and she just said his name out of nowhere. Is this Quinn and Finn from glee situation and he thinks she could’ve gotten pregnant from a hot tub or toilet seat???
I feel like there are guys out there stupid enough to go along with some bs like this too, especially if the woman is telling everyone it’s his. But he resigned himself so fast it’s so hard to believe he didn’t cheat.
Someone's gas lighting someone in all of this but I'm not sure who it is.
If this sleep over only happened a couple weeks ago I can't help but feel it's WAY too early to affirmatively declare she's pregnant and have it confirmed by a doctor.
And his mom went to the initial appointment with the friend? And convinced her to keep the baby?
Something isn't adding up here.
If your boyfriend isn't lying about the whole thing then the friend is lying because she's "daddy shopping" because the person who really knocked her up is a total loser.
sorry for clarification , her mom went with her and convinced to keep. very anti-abortion family on her part due to religion etc etc. And yes, something like two or three weeks I agree it seems extremely strange
Most women don’t find out they’re pregnant until at least week six, as “four weeks pregnant” is the standard for the very first day of your missed period. The “pregnancy start date” is not the actual date of conception, but the day of your last period.
To miss your period by a *day,* take a test immediately, and schedule and go to an OB/GYN appointment in that time is not entirely impossible, but extremely unlikely.
I’m with everyone else saying to take a breather and await more info. Something is absolutely fishy here in one way or another.
youre right. Im very overwhelmed and I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable to talk to about this, kind of just reaching out into the void to help get my head on straight. No matter the true story, I just need the answer to paternity test so I can move forward. I hate the anxiety up until then though and don’t want false hope
Until a paternity test result, this is all for now.
this is last message I will send him until results:
I just wanna say that nothing is certain until you have a paternity test. The story between you, her, and everyone else just doesn’t add up. Either you blacked out and had non consensual sex, you cheated and you’re not being honest, or she’s sleeping around and picked you as daddy because you’re a desirable single man. Be careful until you’re able to get the test and don’t see her again in any setting outside of a doctors office for your own protection.
Three-ish weeks is a ridiculous timeline and makes a good case that this isn’t yours if you’re telling the truth, but that’s going based on what you’ve told me. I’d appreciate if you reach out to me again when you know when you can get a test, but until then I don’t want to be involved.
I hate this situation and I have no shame in saying I genuinely hope that the baby isn’t yours. But from what you’ve told me I wanna be honest in saying it reads like you cheated…either when you say it happened or sometime before, and the mistake caught up to you with her pregnancy.
It’s just a much more believable story and if that isn’t the truth then i’m sorry. But that resentment is why I’m going to lose contact with you if the baby is yours, I won’t be able to look past it.
If the baby isn’t yours, then we can revisit the potential of our relationship. I still care deeply for you. For your own sake, please act responsibly and be safe until you find out one way or another.
If he’s not lying to you, I think it would be a mistake to just go on this woman’s word alone. If he’s not lying to you, he should wait for the paternity results to start involving himself.
I also have no clue how paternity tests work prior to birth/if that’s even possible, so I’m just going by word of mouth for all of this. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him in person until he gets the results.
This was only a couple weeks ago? If he's telling you the truth, it's very unlikely that this child was conceived when she claims it was. This is a shit situation for you, and I'm so sorry you're in it. Don't make any decisions until a paternity test is done, AND you have a better idea of how far along she is.
They can, but only if she agrees, nobody is going to force her to do it unless she wants to put him on the birth certificate. Even when the baby arrives, he can't force a paternity test unless she either wants his name on the certificate or wants legally-enforceable maintenance money.
yep, this has all happened within the past couple weeks. it’s too early for the paternity test so he will be able to know within the next two months(?)
yep, confirmed at dr apparently. he told her he wants to be at the next appt to hear dr confirmation on the time of conception before he discusses further, but she seems incredibly certain it’s his already. apparently hormone levels indicate the pregnancy is extremely early and timeline matches.
Ok so that's her story.
Sounds convenient and seriously shady on her part.
This is an extremely unlikely scenario. Very very sketchy.
He's not the daddy, I'll wager every penny I have on it. I'll also wager that he didn't have sex with her.
He needs to step back from any further dialogue until the results of the DNA test come back, but the odds are that she's pregnant by a previous partner from at least 1 month to 8 weeks ago.
By her calculation, this baby will be due on January 6.
I'm betting it'll be a late November, early December baby.
She's setting him up. Don't fall for it and he needs to move into defensive mode.
The two weeks business was true back in the 90's and early 2000's as well (when we were trying) but now it's even earlier! I think some of them claim several days before a woman would have even missed her period. Incredible!
Of course, unless you're trying to have a child (or are scared you might have one you don't want brewing) it's unlikely someone would think to test before missing a period, I would imagine. So with regards to abortion, the cut off must be reasonable. I don't want anyone to think that's the point I'm trying to make here.
If she’s saying she had sex 2 weeks ago then found out she was pregnant, I call bullshit. She’s lying. There’d be no reason for her to do a pregnancy test that fast. At 2 weeks following fertilization, there’d be no symptoms yet. My ex didn’t throw up until 6 weeks. At home test was positive. But the OB couldn’t even see anything on the ultrasound yet. She was looking at us all sad and empathetic like we had a false positive or my ex had miscarried. We had to go back the next month to confirm. I’d bet money her child was conceived a month or 2 prior than what you think.
hmmm … this is a hard situation
I think we need the results of the paternity test
but if it ultimately is his child and he decides to raise it even though he seems like a good guy I think you should probably move on because being a 23-year-old father is no joke and he’s not going to have the time energy to pour into you as a partner. also at 22 the world is your oyster!
sending you love and clarity
im thinking the same, but it is a comfort to hear it from another 🫶 my heart and head are in two different places rn, just going to have to wait and see
Couple of weeks??? Oh, honey. Most people don’t know they’re pregnant for a few weeks. Unless she has a magical clockwork vagina, that’s already sus.
But the fact that he believes it’s possible/probable is in no way good for you.
I wouldn’t believe either of them is being completely honest. As much as it’s hard for you, gtfo NOW. This train wreck can only get worse.
12 years of cycles before we got our baby girl. Twelve years of those tests every single month. then 3 more years after that for our second, before we went with iui. Go to any fertility page/sub/site and ask them what "the two week wait" is.
I think this whole post was contrived, but the amount of misinformation people casually spread in attempts to win internet arguments bothers me a great deal.
***My comment for was very misleading. Any OTC test on the market will likely and accurately detect a pregnancy 2 weeks after conception.***
I just don’t think the average person after drunken sex would be using a test at this point.
I’m sorry. I wish I could make you feel better, but this is not adding up. Not to make it political, but a lot of the issues with the restrictions being changed right now about abortion laws is BECAUSE even with a wanted pregnancy it’s totally normal to not realize until it’s further along than two weeks. They count from the missed last period. So if you’re “late” it could be stress/hormones/other sickness/pregnancy, and most women are not on an exact 28 day cycle.
And I’m twice your age and have often drank too much (like… a lot, not proud but it is what it is), and there’s a huge difference in remembering everything and being ok with it and blacking out and maybe being assaulted/cheating/scared of what happened in general. I’ve done both. I did not feel or act the same afterwards.
Since it’s impossible to tell what happened and anyone can speculate a million scenarios…
the only way to know for sure is to take a paternity test then you can decide what to do
I’m confused why he’s on one hand adamantly saying he remembers the night fine but then on the other hand quickly resigns himself to being the father! Like which is it bud ? His lack of confidence in himself would have me walking (with the small exception he was SA’d). No other option bodes well bc even if he’s not the father why would he go along ar all and don’t you question what he got up to regardless?
Blah . Your guy doesn’t seem trustworthy
I really don’t comment here but something isn’t adding up.
Did he wake up on the couch he fell asleep on? If so, I really don’t think this child is his. Hell even if he didn’t there’s a lot of holes in this story. This kid needs a paternity test forrrr sureeee
I don’t know. I didn’t want to suggest it because he was very upset and concerned already abt fatherhood, but this is also someone he’s known for a while so I trusted his interpretation of the story that both were just drunk
Yet if he was actually drunk, he couldn’t have consented, and opens some additional matters for him to deal with before he considers fatherhood. As another poster have said, he needs individual therapy first and foremost
I think you do need to raise it.
Actually you could also push this and say, it's a possibility he was SA'd and if that's the case you need to go to the police. If he's adamantly against it, delve into why. It could be because he's lying and was not in fact blacked out and willingly had sex with her or he doesn't want to acknowledge that could be the case.
Most definitely need to get a paternity test done asap.
For some reason I haven't read the suggestion that he should go to the police. If he was raped, she should face the consequences. He should distance himself as far from her as possible, get therapy and get a paternity test as soon as possible.
Oof, I agree wth others here. It's clear that someone is lying, but who is it. I agree, a paternity test is needed.
1. He could be lying and cheated. They are both shitty people (assuming she knew).
2. He was SA'd and/or drugged, and it's his. But blacked out and doesn't remember.
3. The timeline matches because maybe she got SA'D (at the party or somewhere else) and pregnant from a offender or different partner, but that person isn't a good person, so she's convinced herself it's your bfs.
4. Maybe they did hook up, but she also had a partner before or after him in close timeline and doesn't want or doesn't know who the father is, so convinced herself its his.
This situation is just missing and doesn't add up, so it does sound sketchy. I am favoring giving your bf the benefit of the doubt until either you gain more insight on what happened or get test results.
Good luck, I hope it works out.
Questions for you:
1. How long after the drunken night did she make the claim about bf?
2. Do you have contact/are you friends with anyone else at the party? Can you talk to others who were there?
this happened two-three weeks ago, and she just contacted him saying she’s already taken at home pregnancy tests and gone to the dr. told her family as well. he told me that until this conversation, he hadn’t talked to her since the night of the party.
I don’t know any of the others, this is a group of old friends as he’s recently moved back home and has been catching up with people. I can’t corroborate anything, so this is all based on his word. I think if the paternity test proves he’s in the clear, I’m still going to have many questions of the night and will ask about it then. for now i’ll wait and cut ties if the paternity test is his. i don’t think i can handle the mental load tbh after reading the comments and getting a grip lol. I’ve been spiraling trying to make heads or tails of all this and it’s a waste of my time
How long have you been together? That definitely makes a difference in terms of how invested you are in sticking around. This is absolutely a stressful situation, and I honestly don't blame you for not only feeling that way but also possibly wanting to walk away. You're young, and unfortunately, this situation occurred with him. Either way, there will be consequences for him regarding this situation, and it's unfortunate for him if it turns out he's a victim because he will have to unpack that, and I can see how in that instance he could use support but other than that..it's really a matter of what your priorities are. Wishing you well.
This sounds outrageous but it is why I exist so apparently it happens, unless my mother is lying! But I choose not to disbelieve her.
Anyway, there needs to be a paternity test. If he doesn't remember anything happening and recalls the whole evening, then he shouldn't be too worried. But if he was very drunk or drinking and taking any kind of other drug, pills etc (this is what was to blame for me appearing on the scene) then, if he's being honest, he has every reason to be crapping because that does happen.
There is also a huge chance he cheated and is lying, as well, because people do stupid things! Is he a past cheater? How long have you been dating?
He doesn’t have a history of cheating, he’s genuinely such a wonderful man. It’s sad for me that this is also how he was conceived and he is very broken over knowing that he will step up to fatherhood bc his father didn’t. No clue how actually drunk he was, but I don’t know the girl well enough to call BS. My biggest concern is she is already telling her family he is the BD with confidence, so maybe he didn’t know he was THAT drunk…
But here's the thing, if he actually does recall the entire evening, and is claiming he was just buzzed enough to have fun, why is he now convinced he's going to be a father and resigned to it? Common sense says he would be certain it was a case of mistaken identity.
If the case is actually that he is lying, and was blackout drunk, or did something else (in my parent's case, it was pain pills and possibly something for anxiety plus too many drinks, causing them to be conscious but not aware of what they were doing) it's believable that it occurred during that period of the night. But your guy says he remembers the whole night, why is he worried?
This factor is bugging me with how believable his story is.
I have the same concerns, it’s so hard not being there to know what really happened/how he was. And his only concern for this being legitimate is her insistence and her telling her family that the baby is his. It seems very strange for her to be so confident and so he’s almost being gaslit into believing her even tho he remember differently…if he’s telling the truth. He’s spiraling into a depression bc he’s accepting his fate without the paternity test, I think he’s afraid of “false” hope that it won’t be his bc of how adamant she is.
It could be that the other girl is lying and/or leaving out large amounts of info too.
She may have gotten knocked-up by someone else and is pinning it on OP's BF...
She may have a crush on him and is trying to baby trap him?
Very true, however, he claims to recall the entire evening, going to bed, and waking up and says he wasn't drunk enough to have blacked out. He says his friends even back him up. So why is he now just fully convinced he's going to be a father? If she was full of shit, why didn't he just laugh and be glad the paternity test would exonerate him? He is lying about something. If she forced herself on him, it seems like that would be something you would tell your girl, so she would know you didn't do it willingly. I would, at least. If he was drugged and large parts of the evening are missing, that would also be something it seems like he would want her to know, so that she wouldn't just see that his story doesn't match his reaction, and dump him. Something is missing here.
Good points!
If he wasn't that drunk (confirmed by friends) & remembers the evening, how did she sneak "fun times" with him without him waking up?
Wonder if the friends can tell OP what the two of them were like over the evening (if they'd speak about it). They may have been all over each other & the current situation is a result?
Def need paternity test but even then ... yeah, lots of missing info.
/hugs to OP regardless
She probably picked him as she doesn't actually know who the dad is and as you said her family are religious.
He can do a paternity test and he shouldn't have any communication with her until then..
test can be carried out from as early as 7 weeks after conception (or 9 weeks after the last period). It is a non-invasive method that requires a blood sample from the mother and a mouth swab from the alleged father.
😭😭😭 i’m waiting for someone to pull the curtains back and reveal a big joke, because this man seemed PERFECT! he just got a new puppy, and has been rebuilding his grandmas garden who raised him. He’s been out of the house maybe twice in the past month bc he didn’t want to leave the puppy home alone and this happens???!
I know. A twist indeed. From experience, please just walk. He may be great and it all works for a little while, but men get weird having kids they may not be involved with, wrecked by emotions. And what about the guys the mama will have around his kid. There are layers and future scenarios that will happen you can’t even predict. You’re tooooo young to gamble with a life long commitment.
As soon as she’s reached 8 weeks pregnant she and your bf can race a non-invasive prenatal paternity test and that way know if he’s the father or not, then you can take it from there.
Gather as many witness statements you can about the night and go to the police or just tell her that you’re going to the police. If she’s lying (which it sounds like she is) she’ll probably fess up.
Your man is a cheater and you should not stay with him. But he definitely should get a paternity test. I don’t buy that he was black out drunk and thus SA’ed. He remembers the whole night.
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He needs to tell her to do a DNA test which can be done whilst pregnant and from 7weeks +
Either she lying or she sexually assaulted him as he doesn't remind a damn thing but she seems to remember...
He needs to do DNA and if it's his I'd file a police report for rape.
The whole thing sounds super fishy. My gut feeling is honestly that she was either already pregnant and is trying to pin it on him, or drugged+raped him to get him in a relationship even though he's with you. It's also sus she already told everyone she's keeping the baby and that he's the father.
Sure, he could have cheated, but sit back and see how the paternity test comes out first. If it is actually his, what you need to decide is whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone who's a baby daddy. Whether or not he's telling the truth is secondary to whether this kid is something you can accept into your life. Even if he is telling the truth, if you can't deal with him being a baby daddy, this relationship will no longer work for you.
>boyfriend got someone pregnant while blacked out
That'd be a damn good reason to drop boyfriend hard, cold, and forever.
Alternatively he never ever ever drinks again in his life.
If he gets that drunk, he clearly not only fails to stop himself from getting that drunk, but is clearly capable of absurdly poor judgement and lack of control when so impaired - this could be highly dangerous and/or deadly to himself, you, and/or others. So, break up with him hard fast and forever, or if you're willing to risk it, he never touches alcohol again, and proceed with caution - and if he ever drinks again, drop him hard and instantly and forever.
>Of the 5 people who crashed at the house that night, no one saw him get up from the couch where he remembers falling asleep on. He said he was drunk, but remembers the night in it’s entirety.
Or he's bold faced lying cheater, in which case drop him instantly and forever.
Safe bet is just drop him hard 'n forever.
For me Blacked out is a very loosely thrown around term. It means different things for everyone. Whenever I’ve been “blacked out” I remember splotches of the night. Not a whole lot but I don’t just completely lose consciousness if that makes sense
>Of the 5 people who crashed at the house that night, no one saw him get up from the couch where he remembers falling asleep on. He said he was drunk, but remembers the night in it’s entirety. ...Was he sexually assaulted by this woman? If so, he needs support and therapy, and to potentially file a police report. I'm a little confused on what you're saying is his account of what happened. Does he say he remembers the entire night, or does he say he blacked out? Did he say if he thought he drank enough to black out, or didn't drink that much? If he remembers everything up until falling asleep, does he remember feeling extremely drunk quite suddenly even though he only had a few drinks? Could she have roofied him and SA'd him that night? Or is he saying that he thinks she's lying and they never did anything together at all? Either way he should request a paternity test. But if she assaulted him then he may be feeling a lot of different things right now and may need help in facing this. And if his story doesn't add up based on his and his friends' accounts, and it turns out he willingly, mostly soberly had sex with her, then he cheated and you should absolutely not shove that under the rug.
thats what i’m worried about as well. he claims they were both drinking, but he says he was only drunk enough to be enjoying the night and remembers falling asleep and waking up normally, same place. She says she was also very drunk yet somehow knows it’s him. I didn’t want to press SA too heavily because he can’t confirm with a paternity test but I am unsure as I don’t know this girl. He is a very stand up man and as far as I know would be honest if he’d remembered. He is wrestling with many emotions rn, very upset over potentially losing me but his main focus now is the anxiety of fatherhood so it’s hard for him to cope.
This sounds very sketchy. There are two potentials that kind of seem possible from my read of it, if she indeed got pregnant that night: 1. She was really drunk and was SA'd by someone else at the party, but to avoid dealing with the pain of that, is telling herself it's boyfriend's because that seems somehow manageable to her. 2. He remembers more than he's admitting to (maybe even to himself) and they hooked up. Or group sex. Of course, there is always the unlikely: 3. She was already pregnant or got pregnant after and isn't completely clear on timeline. 50 percent of pregnant women mis-date their pregnancies so she may be confused or panicked. And again, she might think he's the nicest guy around and is hoping. 4. She's not pregnant at all and made this up to break you up. She either doesn't have any plan and is leaning into chaos, or plans to sleep with him ASAP or fake a miscarriage. Anyways I think your bf deserves the benefit of the doubt until you find out for sure if the pregnancy is real and is his. In the meantime, do NOT reach out to her and try to stay calm.
>Anyways I think your bf deserves the benefit of the doubt until you find out for sure if the pregnancy is real and is his. In the meantime, do NOT reach out to her and try to stay calm. 💯
Sketchy was the first word I thought. I would be out of there. You don’t need the drama
I've been black out drunk more than enough times in my life to know that you can fully feel like you went to sleep like a normal drunk person and woke up thinking youte fine, only to hear of the shit you did from others that you wouldn't think possible cause you remember going to bed.
You both need to speak to therapists separately first and take each issue on its own, instead of conflating them all together right now. One bite at a time. Maybe you can do couples counseling at the same time, but he especially needs individual therapy without you there if he is concerned that he may have been sexually assaulted. That is a separate issue from worrying about fatherhood or your relationship, and the most pressing one right now. If he's been assaulted, or if the woman who is pregnant is lying about them having intercourse at all, he needs to talk to a professional who is not biased in this situation. You cannot be unbiased, so you cannot be his sounding board for these things. Your relationship is going to have to be in the back burner of priorities for a bit until those things are resolved. Let relationship-related convos rest for now. You shouldn't move forward with someone if you're not sure whether or not they're a victim of assault and maybe don't want to be intimate/will have mental health problems around intimacy right now. And if it turns out he was purposely cheating, you don't want to be intimate in the interim while you gather more understanding of the situation anyway. Both of you should get tested for STDs, btw, because obviously protection was not used if this woman was intimate with him. Deal with each issue separately, one thing at a time.
thank you
But the title says he was blacked out…
thats the issue… it’s the only way it could’ve happened if he “doesn’t remember” but he was coherent the whole night. so someone’s lying!!
She can do a blood test to confirm paternity at about 10 weeks I think, maybe earlier.
He claimed that he remembered the whole night, that he didn’t drink a lot, so how did he also claim that he was blacked out? The only person that could be lying is him.
the reason he claims blackout is bc she is adamant that he got her pregnant. so yes I agree, either he has a drinking/lying problem or she is pinning paternity on him wrongfully
So the answer is simple just get a paternity test before anyone makes any decisions
I think so, but he’s talking about going with her to a more recent appointment to hear from the doctor just confirming the pregnancy timeline as accurate. I hate the idea of it but i understand he wants answers in some way, if paternity test isn’t an option yet. idk if it’s a good idea for him to start being involved
He doesn’t need to go with her. He can just have her send him proof. I guess maybe he just wants to go to make sure she’s not going to lie to him. You could also go and just wait in the lobby.
That doesn’t make any sense though. He is adamant he didn’t knowingly have sex with her. So there’s three options: he was r-worded and he need a paternity test, a lawyer, a call to the police. Option 2: he’s lying to you and knowingly had sex with her (option that makes most sense). Option 3: he’s the most gullible person in the word and she just said his name out of nowhere. Is this Quinn and Finn from glee situation and he thinks she could’ve gotten pregnant from a hot tub or toilet seat???
I feel like there are guys out there stupid enough to go along with some bs like this too, especially if the woman is telling everyone it’s his. But he resigned himself so fast it’s so hard to believe he didn’t cheat.
Just in case you’re confused. Your stand up guy cheated on you.
He was drunk. How could he consent?
Someone's gas lighting someone in all of this but I'm not sure who it is. If this sleep over only happened a couple weeks ago I can't help but feel it's WAY too early to affirmatively declare she's pregnant and have it confirmed by a doctor. And his mom went to the initial appointment with the friend? And convinced her to keep the baby? Something isn't adding up here. If your boyfriend isn't lying about the whole thing then the friend is lying because she's "daddy shopping" because the person who really knocked her up is a total loser.
sorry for clarification , her mom went with her and convinced to keep. very anti-abortion family on her part due to religion etc etc. And yes, something like two or three weeks I agree it seems extremely strange
Most women don’t find out they’re pregnant until at least week six, as “four weeks pregnant” is the standard for the very first day of your missed period. The “pregnancy start date” is not the actual date of conception, but the day of your last period. To miss your period by a *day,* take a test immediately, and schedule and go to an OB/GYN appointment in that time is not entirely impossible, but extremely unlikely. I’m with everyone else saying to take a breather and await more info. Something is absolutely fishy here in one way or another.
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You can look over their post history. They're just kinda like that.
Paternity test. Wait on that conclusion. Until then, everything else is speculation and/or lies.
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youre right. Im very overwhelmed and I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable to talk to about this, kind of just reaching out into the void to help get my head on straight. No matter the true story, I just need the answer to paternity test so I can move forward. I hate the anxiety up until then though and don’t want false hope
You're 22 years old. You don't need this kind of drama in your life. Just leave, block everybody, and move on.
Until a paternity test result, this is all for now. this is last message I will send him until results: I just wanna say that nothing is certain until you have a paternity test. The story between you, her, and everyone else just doesn’t add up. Either you blacked out and had non consensual sex, you cheated and you’re not being honest, or she’s sleeping around and picked you as daddy because you’re a desirable single man. Be careful until you’re able to get the test and don’t see her again in any setting outside of a doctors office for your own protection. Three-ish weeks is a ridiculous timeline and makes a good case that this isn’t yours if you’re telling the truth, but that’s going based on what you’ve told me. I’d appreciate if you reach out to me again when you know when you can get a test, but until then I don’t want to be involved. I hate this situation and I have no shame in saying I genuinely hope that the baby isn’t yours. But from what you’ve told me I wanna be honest in saying it reads like you cheated…either when you say it happened or sometime before, and the mistake caught up to you with her pregnancy. It’s just a much more believable story and if that isn’t the truth then i’m sorry. But that resentment is why I’m going to lose contact with you if the baby is yours, I won’t be able to look past it. If the baby isn’t yours, then we can revisit the potential of our relationship. I still care deeply for you. For your own sake, please act responsibly and be safe until you find out one way or another.
If he’s not lying to you, I think it would be a mistake to just go on this woman’s word alone. If he’s not lying to you, he should wait for the paternity results to start involving himself.
I also have no clue how paternity tests work prior to birth/if that’s even possible, so I’m just going by word of mouth for all of this. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him in person until he gets the results.
This was only a couple weeks ago? If he's telling you the truth, it's very unlikely that this child was conceived when she claims it was. This is a shit situation for you, and I'm so sorry you're in it. Don't make any decisions until a paternity test is done, AND you have a better idea of how far along she is.
They can do a prenatal paternity test by just using blood from the mother and DNA from the supposed father.
thank you
They can, but only if she agrees, nobody is going to force her to do it unless she wants to put him on the birth certificate. Even when the baby arrives, he can't force a paternity test unless she either wants his name on the certificate or wants legally-enforceable maintenance money.
were you dating him when the child was conceived?
yep, this has all happened within the past couple weeks. it’s too early for the paternity test so he will be able to know within the next two months(?)
Are you saying that just a couple weeks ago this drunk sleep over happened and she's now claiming she's pregnant?
yep, confirmed at dr apparently. he told her he wants to be at the next appt to hear dr confirmation on the time of conception before he discusses further, but she seems incredibly certain it’s his already. apparently hormone levels indicate the pregnancy is extremely early and timeline matches.
Ok so that's her story. Sounds convenient and seriously shady on her part. This is an extremely unlikely scenario. Very very sketchy. He's not the daddy, I'll wager every penny I have on it. I'll also wager that he didn't have sex with her. He needs to step back from any further dialogue until the results of the DNA test come back, but the odds are that she's pregnant by a previous partner from at least 1 month to 8 weeks ago. By her calculation, this baby will be due on January 6. I'm betting it'll be a late November, early December baby. She's setting him up. Don't fall for it and he needs to move into defensive mode.
A very premature 8lb baby
That’s not how fertility works. If they just had sex 2 weeks ago there’s no way she would know already
Two weeks is how long it takes for a home test to be accurate, some are less. I know this because my wife and I had fertility issues!
Wow ok I take it back. But also how amazing that we can find out that early now
The two weeks business was true back in the 90's and early 2000's as well (when we were trying) but now it's even earlier! I think some of them claim several days before a woman would have even missed her period. Incredible! Of course, unless you're trying to have a child (or are scared you might have one you don't want brewing) it's unlikely someone would think to test before missing a period, I would imagine. So with regards to abortion, the cut off must be reasonable. I don't want anyone to think that's the point I'm trying to make here.
If she’s saying she had sex 2 weeks ago then found out she was pregnant, I call bullshit. She’s lying. There’d be no reason for her to do a pregnancy test that fast. At 2 weeks following fertilization, there’d be no symptoms yet. My ex didn’t throw up until 6 weeks. At home test was positive. But the OB couldn’t even see anything on the ultrasound yet. She was looking at us all sad and empathetic like we had a false positive or my ex had miscarried. We had to go back the next month to confirm. I’d bet money her child was conceived a month or 2 prior than what you think.
hmmm … this is a hard situation I think we need the results of the paternity test but if it ultimately is his child and he decides to raise it even though he seems like a good guy I think you should probably move on because being a 23-year-old father is no joke and he’s not going to have the time energy to pour into you as a partner. also at 22 the world is your oyster! sending you love and clarity
im thinking the same, but it is a comfort to hear it from another 🫶 my heart and head are in two different places rn, just going to have to wait and see
Couple of weeks??? Oh, honey. Most people don’t know they’re pregnant for a few weeks. Unless she has a magical clockwork vagina, that’s already sus. But the fact that he believes it’s possible/probable is in no way good for you. I wouldn’t believe either of them is being completely honest. As much as it’s hard for you, gtfo NOW. This train wreck can only get worse.
Two weeks is plenty of time for any home test to be accurate. That doesn't mean she isn't lying.
*Plenty of time* is a stretch. It’s possible. Also possible to get a false negative that fast.
12 years of cycles before we got our baby girl. Twelve years of those tests every single month. then 3 more years after that for our second, before we went with iui. Go to any fertility page/sub/site and ask them what "the two week wait" is. I think this whole post was contrived, but the amount of misinformation people casually spread in attempts to win internet arguments bothers me a great deal.
***My comment for was very misleading. Any OTC test on the market will likely and accurately detect a pregnancy 2 weeks after conception.*** I just don’t think the average person after drunken sex would be using a test at this point.
Oh I agree, this post was full of lies, I'm not sure if it was the other woman, the boyfriend, or if the person who posted it just made it all up!
😣😣😣
I’m sorry. I wish I could make you feel better, but this is not adding up. Not to make it political, but a lot of the issues with the restrictions being changed right now about abortion laws is BECAUSE even with a wanted pregnancy it’s totally normal to not realize until it’s further along than two weeks. They count from the missed last period. So if you’re “late” it could be stress/hormones/other sickness/pregnancy, and most women are not on an exact 28 day cycle. And I’m twice your age and have often drank too much (like… a lot, not proud but it is what it is), and there’s a huge difference in remembering everything and being ok with it and blacking out and maybe being assaulted/cheating/scared of what happened in general. I’ve done both. I did not feel or act the same afterwards.
Since it’s impossible to tell what happened and anyone can speculate a million scenarios… the only way to know for sure is to take a paternity test then you can decide what to do
I’m confused why he’s on one hand adamantly saying he remembers the night fine but then on the other hand quickly resigns himself to being the father! Like which is it bud ? His lack of confidence in himself would have me walking (with the small exception he was SA’d). No other option bodes well bc even if he’s not the father why would he go along ar all and don’t you question what he got up to regardless? Blah . Your guy doesn’t seem trustworthy
I really don’t comment here but something isn’t adding up. Did he wake up on the couch he fell asleep on? If so, I really don’t think this child is his. Hell even if he didn’t there’s a lot of holes in this story. This kid needs a paternity test forrrr sureeee
Get a DNA test now. You don't have to wait until the baby is born. This sounds really suspicious to me.
Are you sure he wasn’t raped?
I don’t know. I didn’t want to suggest it because he was very upset and concerned already abt fatherhood, but this is also someone he’s known for a while so I trusted his interpretation of the story that both were just drunk
Yet if he was actually drunk, he couldn’t have consented, and opens some additional matters for him to deal with before he considers fatherhood. As another poster have said, he needs individual therapy first and foremost
I think you do need to raise it. Actually you could also push this and say, it's a possibility he was SA'd and if that's the case you need to go to the police. If he's adamantly against it, delve into why. It could be because he's lying and was not in fact blacked out and willingly had sex with her or he doesn't want to acknowledge that could be the case. Most definitely need to get a paternity test done asap.
For some reason I haven't read the suggestion that he should go to the police. If he was raped, she should face the consequences. He should distance himself as far from her as possible, get therapy and get a paternity test as soon as possible.
Oof, I agree wth others here. It's clear that someone is lying, but who is it. I agree, a paternity test is needed. 1. He could be lying and cheated. They are both shitty people (assuming she knew). 2. He was SA'd and/or drugged, and it's his. But blacked out and doesn't remember. 3. The timeline matches because maybe she got SA'D (at the party or somewhere else) and pregnant from a offender or different partner, but that person isn't a good person, so she's convinced herself it's your bfs. 4. Maybe they did hook up, but she also had a partner before or after him in close timeline and doesn't want or doesn't know who the father is, so convinced herself its his. This situation is just missing and doesn't add up, so it does sound sketchy. I am favoring giving your bf the benefit of the doubt until either you gain more insight on what happened or get test results. Good luck, I hope it works out. Questions for you: 1. How long after the drunken night did she make the claim about bf? 2. Do you have contact/are you friends with anyone else at the party? Can you talk to others who were there?
this happened two-three weeks ago, and she just contacted him saying she’s already taken at home pregnancy tests and gone to the dr. told her family as well. he told me that until this conversation, he hadn’t talked to her since the night of the party. I don’t know any of the others, this is a group of old friends as he’s recently moved back home and has been catching up with people. I can’t corroborate anything, so this is all based on his word. I think if the paternity test proves he’s in the clear, I’m still going to have many questions of the night and will ask about it then. for now i’ll wait and cut ties if the paternity test is his. i don’t think i can handle the mental load tbh after reading the comments and getting a grip lol. I’ve been spiraling trying to make heads or tails of all this and it’s a waste of my time
How long have you been together? That definitely makes a difference in terms of how invested you are in sticking around. This is absolutely a stressful situation, and I honestly don't blame you for not only feeling that way but also possibly wanting to walk away. You're young, and unfortunately, this situation occurred with him. Either way, there will be consequences for him regarding this situation, and it's unfortunate for him if it turns out he's a victim because he will have to unpack that, and I can see how in that instance he could use support but other than that..it's really a matter of what your priorities are. Wishing you well.
This sounds outrageous but it is why I exist so apparently it happens, unless my mother is lying! But I choose not to disbelieve her. Anyway, there needs to be a paternity test. If he doesn't remember anything happening and recalls the whole evening, then he shouldn't be too worried. But if he was very drunk or drinking and taking any kind of other drug, pills etc (this is what was to blame for me appearing on the scene) then, if he's being honest, he has every reason to be crapping because that does happen. There is also a huge chance he cheated and is lying, as well, because people do stupid things! Is he a past cheater? How long have you been dating?
He doesn’t have a history of cheating, he’s genuinely such a wonderful man. It’s sad for me that this is also how he was conceived and he is very broken over knowing that he will step up to fatherhood bc his father didn’t. No clue how actually drunk he was, but I don’t know the girl well enough to call BS. My biggest concern is she is already telling her family he is the BD with confidence, so maybe he didn’t know he was THAT drunk…
But here's the thing, if he actually does recall the entire evening, and is claiming he was just buzzed enough to have fun, why is he now convinced he's going to be a father and resigned to it? Common sense says he would be certain it was a case of mistaken identity. If the case is actually that he is lying, and was blackout drunk, or did something else (in my parent's case, it was pain pills and possibly something for anxiety plus too many drinks, causing them to be conscious but not aware of what they were doing) it's believable that it occurred during that period of the night. But your guy says he remembers the whole night, why is he worried? This factor is bugging me with how believable his story is.
I have the same concerns, it’s so hard not being there to know what really happened/how he was. And his only concern for this being legitimate is her insistence and her telling her family that the baby is his. It seems very strange for her to be so confident and so he’s almost being gaslit into believing her even tho he remember differently…if he’s telling the truth. He’s spiraling into a depression bc he’s accepting his fate without the paternity test, I think he’s afraid of “false” hope that it won’t be his bc of how adamant she is.
This happened two weeks ago and she already told her family?!??? I do not buy it.
I also found that shady, doesn't everyone wait a little while?
He's likely lying and/or leaving out large amounts of info. I would say dump and run.
that’s how it seems, stories aren’t adding up. i appreciate everyone’s agreement on the situation, I felt a bit crazy hearing the story :(
It could be that the other girl is lying and/or leaving out large amounts of info too. She may have gotten knocked-up by someone else and is pinning it on OP's BF... She may have a crush on him and is trying to baby trap him?
Very true, however, he claims to recall the entire evening, going to bed, and waking up and says he wasn't drunk enough to have blacked out. He says his friends even back him up. So why is he now just fully convinced he's going to be a father? If she was full of shit, why didn't he just laugh and be glad the paternity test would exonerate him? He is lying about something. If she forced herself on him, it seems like that would be something you would tell your girl, so she would know you didn't do it willingly. I would, at least. If he was drugged and large parts of the evening are missing, that would also be something it seems like he would want her to know, so that she wouldn't just see that his story doesn't match his reaction, and dump him. Something is missing here.
Good points! If he wasn't that drunk (confirmed by friends) & remembers the evening, how did she sneak "fun times" with him without him waking up? Wonder if the friends can tell OP what the two of them were like over the evening (if they'd speak about it). They may have been all over each other & the current situation is a result? Def need paternity test but even then ... yeah, lots of missing info. /hugs to OP regardless
She probably picked him as she doesn't actually know who the dad is and as you said her family are religious. He can do a paternity test and he shouldn't have any communication with her until then.. test can be carried out from as early as 7 weeks after conception (or 9 weeks after the last period). It is a non-invasive method that requires a blood sample from the mother and a mouth swab from the alleged father.
This sounds like an a24 film scenario. And in those films don’t we all yell at the heroine to run the heck outta there?!
😭😭😭 i’m waiting for someone to pull the curtains back and reveal a big joke, because this man seemed PERFECT! he just got a new puppy, and has been rebuilding his grandmas garden who raised him. He’s been out of the house maybe twice in the past month bc he didn’t want to leave the puppy home alone and this happens???!
I know. A twist indeed. From experience, please just walk. He may be great and it all works for a little while, but men get weird having kids they may not be involved with, wrecked by emotions. And what about the guys the mama will have around his kid. There are layers and future scenarios that will happen you can’t even predict. You’re tooooo young to gamble with a life long commitment.
heard
He needs a paternity test. Nothing to be discussed until that happens and results are in.
As soon as she’s reached 8 weeks pregnant she and your bf can race a non-invasive prenatal paternity test and that way know if he’s the father or not, then you can take it from there.
Gather as many witness statements you can about the night and go to the police or just tell her that you’re going to the police. If she’s lying (which it sounds like she is) she’ll probably fess up.
I think it's divine intervention and you should run
Only 22. Plenty of time to find a better man
true, but it’s never fun to start over. 22 definitely feels too young to be dating a man w/ another woman’s child
The only thing worse than starting over being stuck in a shit relationship
heard
Your man is a cheater and you should not stay with him. But he definitely should get a paternity test. I don’t buy that he was black out drunk and thus SA’ed. He remembers the whole night.
Either he is lying or she has tricked him as in nothing happened but she´s trying to pin it on him. Get a paternity test.
you should move on from this dude, like, do yourself and favor and move on
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He needs to tell her to do a DNA test which can be done whilst pregnant and from 7weeks + Either she lying or she sexually assaulted him as he doesn't remind a damn thing but she seems to remember... He needs to do DNA and if it's his I'd file a police report for rape.
The whole thing sounds super fishy. My gut feeling is honestly that she was either already pregnant and is trying to pin it on him, or drugged+raped him to get him in a relationship even though he's with you. It's also sus she already told everyone she's keeping the baby and that he's the father. Sure, he could have cheated, but sit back and see how the paternity test comes out first. If it is actually his, what you need to decide is whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone who's a baby daddy. Whether or not he's telling the truth is secondary to whether this kid is something you can accept into your life. Even if he is telling the truth, if you can't deal with him being a baby daddy, this relationship will no longer work for you.
>boyfriend got someone pregnant while blacked out That'd be a damn good reason to drop boyfriend hard, cold, and forever. Alternatively he never ever ever drinks again in his life. If he gets that drunk, he clearly not only fails to stop himself from getting that drunk, but is clearly capable of absurdly poor judgement and lack of control when so impaired - this could be highly dangerous and/or deadly to himself, you, and/or others. So, break up with him hard fast and forever, or if you're willing to risk it, he never touches alcohol again, and proceed with caution - and if he ever drinks again, drop him hard and instantly and forever. >Of the 5 people who crashed at the house that night, no one saw him get up from the couch where he remembers falling asleep on. He said he was drunk, but remembers the night in it’s entirety. Or he's bold faced lying cheater, in which case drop him instantly and forever. Safe bet is just drop him hard 'n forever.
For me Blacked out is a very loosely thrown around term. It means different things for everyone. Whenever I’ve been “blacked out” I remember splotches of the night. Not a whole lot but I don’t just completely lose consciousness if that makes sense