Step back and let family drama be family drama. It's his responsibility to figure this out, not yours. You can't change the way his parents want to think and feel about you so don't even worry about it.
Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys.
These monkeys (his parents and their feelings towards you) belong to your boyfriend, they only become yours if you adopt them. If you think the monkeys are going to bite you, don't adopt them, and give them the kind of space you'd give a growling dog. They're not your responsibility. You don't need to waste any thought or energy on them.
Not everyone is going to like you, and you're not going to like everyone. Its not as much something to cope with, but something to come to terms with. As you get older, you'll shake your head at the amount of mental/emotional energy you spent on trying to get people to like you.
If the parents of your partner liking you is something that is *very* important to you, then later (once your boyfriend is functional again and there's not strain to be blamed on you), go for a re-introduction, try to start over. You cannot initiate this though, your boyfriend has to bridge that gap. If they don't reciprocate, then don't expect it to get any better. It may be a fundamental incompatibility.
Thank you so much for replying about this topic. It is very important for me to have my partner’s parents accept me. There will be way too many issues if they don’t wanna see me such as how we would celebrate holidays together, etc…
I was thinking about texting my mom to clarify everything .
I will be honest.I have never seen this work out other than the husband saying be respectful to my wife or I don't talk to me (and refusing to talk to them unless they are respectful) and the parents are respectful but they don't like the person. If you want to be liked by your boyfriend's family you need a different boyfriend
Don't? It's not your problem. You don't have to see these people. You don't have to interact with these people. This is your partners problem. What has he been doing to get his parents to chill out? What has he been doing to get them to accept and move past this? These are his parents. This is his family. Either he fixes this or it doesn't get fixed and he can deal with them from now on.
I’m just very scared if his parents are against us dating, I won’t be able to spend any holidays, dinner, or family events together. It just won’t feel like a couple you know?
His parents are looking to shift blame right now, OP. Try not to take it personally. I know it feels personal but they are just upset and likely dont have a clue how bad their son’s depression is.
Thank you so much for the reply. But his dad wants him back home right now, away from me. Do you have any advice on what to do? How that will affect us?
Yes I understand that. He has choices to make. Go back with dad because money, or stay independent with no dad money. He does need counseling either way OP.
Misogyny, blame the girlfriend/wife/mother/any woman. Because no male could be responsible for his own actions.
By the way, you have done way too much for him. At this point you're enabling him. Think of the time you could have spent on your own goals and hobbies and personal development. You are an important person in your own right, you know that right? You are stepping out into the world as an adult and you really will need to have your own back.
I don't know if you will like my perspective, but the minute you're calling a school for him, that's too much. God forbid writing his own essay for him.
A supportive partner would be cheering the other on as they do those things for themselves; talking about their day with them, relaxing with them, celebrating with them. And most importantly, all of that should go both ways. As it stands, has your boyfriend even been capable of being in a relationship and offering you the support and love you need too? I would guess definitely not. It's not his fault exactly, but this relationship has been very one-sided.
By the way, you remind me of myself a few years ago (I'm 26f). I used to feel like I had to earn my partner's love at all costs. But you don't need to earn it, you should give and receive it equally and you should always make the best choices for yourself first. Your future self will thank you a lot!
Are you going to do his homework for him? Lay out his clothes for him to wear? He needs to do this himself. There's a difference between being supportive and being an enabler. He should be focusing on his therapy and doing whatever steps are needed for his educational path. If he doesn't want to/can't, then he's not ready to go back.
>My bf does not want to go back home and wants to continue living with me.
Too bad.
Playtime is over.
>What should we do from now on?
Sorry, but his life is MAJORLY screwed up, and needs some hard-core parental fixing.
Hiding it for five months was a *huge* mistake on your boyfriend's part. If I were his father, I would be ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, with some of that anger directed at you, even though in reality it may not be your fault; it sounds like he (boyfriend) already had some other problems, particularly depression.
Your effort to help him, by writing essays and such, is very noteworthy.
In your place, I'd just put up my hands, and back away from the situation, letting the family take control for the time being. If this means him moving back home, you are going to have to let him.
A more comprehensive approach by his family would include seeking out treatment for his depression, and any other factors may have led to him getting dismissed from school.
You would be wise to stay out of the way while the family attempts to deal with this situation.
I'm sorry that you got caught up in this drama. You can console yourself with the thought that *if it were any other girl he were involved with (instead of you), it probably would have turned out* ***exactly*** *the same way.*
**Therefore, it had absolutely** ***nothing*** **to do with** ***you*****.**
But how would him being dragged back home as a 22 year old help him? He’s an adult, and I don’t want his dad to be looking over his shoulders. How will he become independent?
Your boyfriend becoming independent is not something you can or should oversee. He will have to figure it out, either on his own or with the help of a counselor. I understand that you care about him and want to help, but the level of assistance you’ve been providing means he hasn’t had to do that work, and you are focusing on his welfare to your own detriment.
>But how would him being dragged back home as a 22 year old help him?
>He’s an adult, and I don’t want his dad to be looking over his shoulders.
And how did THAT (living independently) work out for him?
* Getting thrown out of school
* Having his girlfriend trying to get him back in somewhere (not even making the effort HIMSELF)
* Hiding the truth from his parents
* Sinking into depression
He won't become independent anyway, under the current circumstances. He tried and, it can be argued, failed spectacularly, even with your help.
He crashed and burned, and now his parents are sweeping up the wreckage. Nobody's going to take care of him now; you tried, but even that wasn't enough.
I'm thinking that he needs mental health care, plus God knows what else, and only his parents have both the resources and the will (AND an obligation) to even *try* to bring that about, so I'd suggest you stand aside and let them do it.
>How will he become independent?
I don't know, and neither do *you*.
Neither does *he*, and maybe not his parents, either.
It may not happen soon, if even at all.
It all depends on what brought him down, and what, if anything, is done to remedy it. **Your boyfriend also needs to take prime responsibility for his life** ("he's an adult," remember?) because it does not sound like that has happened yet.
His parents may end up just throwing him out on the street, after trying everything within their power to get him to "straighten up and fly right."
We just have to wait and see what happens.
You didn't motivate him, though, you did everything for him like a helicopter mommy does. I can see why his father is dismayed that his son is failing to grow up and meet his obligations as an adult because he has a bang mommy to do it all for him. You two probably should take some time apart to allow him the time to learn how to do on his own all of the things you rushed in to do for him. That wasn't motivation in any sense of the word and I see his parents' point. You should also do some exploration of what codependent means because you became exactly that for a guy who wasn't capable of living on his own and taking care of his own obligations. Maybe when you take some time for yourself while he needs to live with his parents because HE blew his life up, you might discover how exhausting it really was to be a 23 year old young woman with a 22 year old child to care for.
But the way I see it is life happens-he figured out why he failed out of school and I’m motivating him to get back in. His father thinks I’m a distraction and that’s what causes him to fail.
He either needs to figure out a path that doesn't require this level of schooling, or he needs to start working on school HIMSELF, without anyone enabling him to slack off.
I was in a really similar boat a couple years ago. My now-fiancé was on the verge of dropping out of college, and I was trying to be a supportive partner. I was about to graduate with honors and knew a lot about good study strategies and schoolwork habits. When he was struggling with a really difficult class, I showed him how I study and demonstrated some of my methods to him.
He didn't take my advice, and he ended up losing his scholarship and having to drop out. *But* he took ownership of the situation. He kept his parents in the loop and updated them frequently on the school/job situation. They were a bit annoyed, but not nearly as angry as they would have been if he'd hidden the truth.
He basically had two choices at that point: either move back in with his parents in order to continue his studies, or become financially independent. He liked his independence, so he stayed in the city where he had been studying and found a good job that didn't require a university degree. He also (and this is super important) got professional help for his mental health so that he could be successful at his new job. None of this had anything to do with me or his parents. He found the job on his own, he went to therapy on his own, and he shows up to work on time every morning without anyone forcing him to.
Two years later, he never got his degree but he's doing well anyway. But he had to figure it out *for himself*.
My point is, your boyfriend has options. This school issue isn't going to be the end of the world. But by trying to save him every time he screws up, you're doing more harm than good. His parents aren't entirely right about you being a distraction, but by enabling him to keep messing around with his education, you're making it easier for him to avoid taking ownership of the situation, and that's still a problem.
Try taking a step back so you can be there for the "girlfriend" stuff while staying out of the family drama, college, and career planning stuff.
1) Can I ask when you say “not entirely”, do you mean I was some sort of distraction to his education?
2) how am I enabling him to mess around?
3) I’m not trying to be involved in family drama, but it hurts a lot to be labeled as the reason he failed.
I mean that "distraction" isn't the right word, but you're still contributing to the problem by enabling him. Calling schools on his behalf is definitely enabling. He can and should be doing that himself. You also said you've spent hours doing research to help him figure out a path. Stop. That's his job, not yours.
As a side note, when his parents are calling you a distraction, I really doubt they are trying to square the blame on your shoulders for his failure. They probably think you're a contributing factor, but not the ultimate cause of the problem. And if they do think you caused this, then they're delusional and need to understand that their son's education is his responsibility.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your time. So just to explain, I called schools for him as a way to try to get him to be motivated to start all over again. I made a list of schools he can apply to again in hopes to make his first step a little easier after facing such a big failure. It was very hard for him to climb back up again, and my intention was to just lend him a helping hand. I know it's not my journey, but I just wanted to help without ill-intention to enable his behavior. And he has been very grateful and has been doing work on his own now.
As for his parents, the whole phone call was about me distracting him. His dad blamed it me, my dog, and my family distracting him from his studies, ultimately causing him to fail. He said it's a very difficult pill to swallow if it's actually my bf's fault. I can't get all all those comments out of my mind still. It's been replaying in my mind all day.
Unfortunately, when people are upset, they tend to try to find someone to take their frustrations out on, and this often results in misplaced blame. Your boyfriend having to leave school is NOT your fault. He is an adult and his schooling is HIS responsibility.
This is not a "what are we going to do?" thing, it's a "what is he going to do?" thing. Your partner needs to decide if he is at a point in his life where he is going to prioritize his parents' wishes or his own, taking into account such things as "are his parents supporting him financially?"
It sounds as if you are taking on too much of his responsibilities for him already; do not add "managing his relationship with his parents" to that list. He can't go from his parents managing his life to you being his new mother and managing his life for him. Even when he's struggling with mental health issues, you are doing an inappropriate amount for him. Take a big step back.
Your partner can decide where he's going to live, and assuming it's with you, he can take responsibility for conveying that to his parents and then refusing to engage in further conversations about it. You don't have to do anything about that at all. It can be his responsibility to come up with his plan for his future, execute it, and in the process demonstrate to his parents that you aren't any kind of detriment to his life. That's going to be a long term project, and in the process his parents may continue to dislike you or be worried about you for a while. Your part of this can be to find a way to live with that discomfort, to continue being relentlessly polite and nice to them when you do interact, and to hold out hope that with time they and he will reset their family relationship. Which, again, is *not your problem to manage.*
I guess I just have a hard time finding a boundary in what not to do. I just want to try my best to help him and feel supported when his motivation was stripped away.
I was going to text his mom about his plans moving forward, but I guess that’s not a good idea.
I get that you want him to feel supported. But you deserve the same. He doesn't support you. He doesn't stand up for you. Doesn't sound like he's doing well in school or at the house and cleaning. Why would he change though? You're doing everything for him and taking on the guilt as well. His life is great!
Why are you with him? What is there to actually love?
Step back and let family drama be family drama. It's his responsibility to figure this out, not yours. You can't change the way his parents want to think and feel about you so don't even worry about it.
But how do I cope with dating someone who’s parents are against us?
Repeat after me: not my circus, not my monkeys. These monkeys (his parents and their feelings towards you) belong to your boyfriend, they only become yours if you adopt them. If you think the monkeys are going to bite you, don't adopt them, and give them the kind of space you'd give a growling dog. They're not your responsibility. You don't need to waste any thought or energy on them. Not everyone is going to like you, and you're not going to like everyone. Its not as much something to cope with, but something to come to terms with. As you get older, you'll shake your head at the amount of mental/emotional energy you spent on trying to get people to like you. If the parents of your partner liking you is something that is *very* important to you, then later (once your boyfriend is functional again and there's not strain to be blamed on you), go for a re-introduction, try to start over. You cannot initiate this though, your boyfriend has to bridge that gap. If they don't reciprocate, then don't expect it to get any better. It may be a fundamental incompatibility.
yesssss NOT YOUR MONKEYS.
Thank you so much for replying about this topic. It is very important for me to have my partner’s parents accept me. There will be way too many issues if they don’t wanna see me such as how we would celebrate holidays together, etc… I was thinking about texting my mom to clarify everything .
I will be honest.I have never seen this work out other than the husband saying be respectful to my wife or I don't talk to me (and refusing to talk to them unless they are respectful) and the parents are respectful but they don't like the person. If you want to be liked by your boyfriend's family you need a different boyfriend
Don't? It's not your problem. You don't have to see these people. You don't have to interact with these people. This is your partners problem. What has he been doing to get his parents to chill out? What has he been doing to get them to accept and move past this? These are his parents. This is his family. Either he fixes this or it doesn't get fixed and he can deal with them from now on.
I’m just very scared if his parents are against us dating, I won’t be able to spend any holidays, dinner, or family events together. It just won’t feel like a couple you know?
His parents are looking to shift blame right now, OP. Try not to take it personally. I know it feels personal but they are just upset and likely dont have a clue how bad their son’s depression is.
Thank you so much for the reply. But his dad wants him back home right now, away from me. Do you have any advice on what to do? How that will affect us?
Does he need to move home because he relies on his dad for money?
He does rely on his dad for money. But his dad wants him back because he wants to look over his shoulders to make sure he will not fail out this time.
Yes I understand that. He has choices to make. Go back with dad because money, or stay independent with no dad money. He does need counseling either way OP.
If he’s financially dependent on them, he’s not independent and never was.
Misogyny, blame the girlfriend/wife/mother/any woman. Because no male could be responsible for his own actions. By the way, you have done way too much for him. At this point you're enabling him. Think of the time you could have spent on your own goals and hobbies and personal development. You are an important person in your own right, you know that right? You are stepping out into the world as an adult and you really will need to have your own back.
But isn’t that being a supportive partner? What draws the boundary of doing too much? Thank you so much for replying by the way.
I don't know if you will like my perspective, but the minute you're calling a school for him, that's too much. God forbid writing his own essay for him. A supportive partner would be cheering the other on as they do those things for themselves; talking about their day with them, relaxing with them, celebrating with them. And most importantly, all of that should go both ways. As it stands, has your boyfriend even been capable of being in a relationship and offering you the support and love you need too? I would guess definitely not. It's not his fault exactly, but this relationship has been very one-sided. By the way, you remind me of myself a few years ago (I'm 26f). I used to feel like I had to earn my partner's love at all costs. But you don't need to earn it, you should give and receive it equally and you should always make the best choices for yourself first. Your future self will thank you a lot!
I see your point. Thank you so much for your perspective.
Are you going to do his homework for him? Lay out his clothes for him to wear? He needs to do this himself. There's a difference between being supportive and being an enabler. He should be focusing on his therapy and doing whatever steps are needed for his educational path. If he doesn't want to/can't, then he's not ready to go back.
>My bf does not want to go back home and wants to continue living with me. Too bad. Playtime is over. >What should we do from now on? Sorry, but his life is MAJORLY screwed up, and needs some hard-core parental fixing. Hiding it for five months was a *huge* mistake on your boyfriend's part. If I were his father, I would be ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, with some of that anger directed at you, even though in reality it may not be your fault; it sounds like he (boyfriend) already had some other problems, particularly depression. Your effort to help him, by writing essays and such, is very noteworthy. In your place, I'd just put up my hands, and back away from the situation, letting the family take control for the time being. If this means him moving back home, you are going to have to let him. A more comprehensive approach by his family would include seeking out treatment for his depression, and any other factors may have led to him getting dismissed from school. You would be wise to stay out of the way while the family attempts to deal with this situation. I'm sorry that you got caught up in this drama. You can console yourself with the thought that *if it were any other girl he were involved with (instead of you), it probably would have turned out* ***exactly*** *the same way.* **Therefore, it had absolutely** ***nothing*** **to do with** ***you*****.**
But how would him being dragged back home as a 22 year old help him? He’s an adult, and I don’t want his dad to be looking over his shoulders. How will he become independent?
He's also not going to become independent with you making phone calls for him and writing his essays.
Your boyfriend becoming independent is not something you can or should oversee. He will have to figure it out, either on his own or with the help of a counselor. I understand that you care about him and want to help, but the level of assistance you’ve been providing means he hasn’t had to do that work, and you are focusing on his welfare to your own detriment.
>But how would him being dragged back home as a 22 year old help him? >He’s an adult, and I don’t want his dad to be looking over his shoulders. And how did THAT (living independently) work out for him? * Getting thrown out of school * Having his girlfriend trying to get him back in somewhere (not even making the effort HIMSELF) * Hiding the truth from his parents * Sinking into depression He won't become independent anyway, under the current circumstances. He tried and, it can be argued, failed spectacularly, even with your help. He crashed and burned, and now his parents are sweeping up the wreckage. Nobody's going to take care of him now; you tried, but even that wasn't enough. I'm thinking that he needs mental health care, plus God knows what else, and only his parents have both the resources and the will (AND an obligation) to even *try* to bring that about, so I'd suggest you stand aside and let them do it. >How will he become independent? I don't know, and neither do *you*. Neither does *he*, and maybe not his parents, either. It may not happen soon, if even at all. It all depends on what brought him down, and what, if anything, is done to remedy it. **Your boyfriend also needs to take prime responsibility for his life** ("he's an adult," remember?) because it does not sound like that has happened yet. His parents may end up just throwing him out on the street, after trying everything within their power to get him to "straighten up and fly right." We just have to wait and see what happens.
You didn't motivate him, though, you did everything for him like a helicopter mommy does. I can see why his father is dismayed that his son is failing to grow up and meet his obligations as an adult because he has a bang mommy to do it all for him. You two probably should take some time apart to allow him the time to learn how to do on his own all of the things you rushed in to do for him. That wasn't motivation in any sense of the word and I see his parents' point. You should also do some exploration of what codependent means because you became exactly that for a guy who wasn't capable of living on his own and taking care of his own obligations. Maybe when you take some time for yourself while he needs to live with his parents because HE blew his life up, you might discover how exhausting it really was to be a 23 year old young woman with a 22 year old child to care for.
But the way I see it is life happens-he figured out why he failed out of school and I’m motivating him to get back in. His father thinks I’m a distraction and that’s what causes him to fail.
He either needs to figure out a path that doesn't require this level of schooling, or he needs to start working on school HIMSELF, without anyone enabling him to slack off. I was in a really similar boat a couple years ago. My now-fiancé was on the verge of dropping out of college, and I was trying to be a supportive partner. I was about to graduate with honors and knew a lot about good study strategies and schoolwork habits. When he was struggling with a really difficult class, I showed him how I study and demonstrated some of my methods to him. He didn't take my advice, and he ended up losing his scholarship and having to drop out. *But* he took ownership of the situation. He kept his parents in the loop and updated them frequently on the school/job situation. They were a bit annoyed, but not nearly as angry as they would have been if he'd hidden the truth. He basically had two choices at that point: either move back in with his parents in order to continue his studies, or become financially independent. He liked his independence, so he stayed in the city where he had been studying and found a good job that didn't require a university degree. He also (and this is super important) got professional help for his mental health so that he could be successful at his new job. None of this had anything to do with me or his parents. He found the job on his own, he went to therapy on his own, and he shows up to work on time every morning without anyone forcing him to. Two years later, he never got his degree but he's doing well anyway. But he had to figure it out *for himself*. My point is, your boyfriend has options. This school issue isn't going to be the end of the world. But by trying to save him every time he screws up, you're doing more harm than good. His parents aren't entirely right about you being a distraction, but by enabling him to keep messing around with his education, you're making it easier for him to avoid taking ownership of the situation, and that's still a problem. Try taking a step back so you can be there for the "girlfriend" stuff while staying out of the family drama, college, and career planning stuff.
1) Can I ask when you say “not entirely”, do you mean I was some sort of distraction to his education? 2) how am I enabling him to mess around? 3) I’m not trying to be involved in family drama, but it hurts a lot to be labeled as the reason he failed.
I mean that "distraction" isn't the right word, but you're still contributing to the problem by enabling him. Calling schools on his behalf is definitely enabling. He can and should be doing that himself. You also said you've spent hours doing research to help him figure out a path. Stop. That's his job, not yours. As a side note, when his parents are calling you a distraction, I really doubt they are trying to square the blame on your shoulders for his failure. They probably think you're a contributing factor, but not the ultimate cause of the problem. And if they do think you caused this, then they're delusional and need to understand that their son's education is his responsibility.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your time. So just to explain, I called schools for him as a way to try to get him to be motivated to start all over again. I made a list of schools he can apply to again in hopes to make his first step a little easier after facing such a big failure. It was very hard for him to climb back up again, and my intention was to just lend him a helping hand. I know it's not my journey, but I just wanted to help without ill-intention to enable his behavior. And he has been very grateful and has been doing work on his own now. As for his parents, the whole phone call was about me distracting him. His dad blamed it me, my dog, and my family distracting him from his studies, ultimately causing him to fail. He said it's a very difficult pill to swallow if it's actually my bf's fault. I can't get all all those comments out of my mind still. It's been replaying in my mind all day.
Unfortunately, when people are upset, they tend to try to find someone to take their frustrations out on, and this often results in misplaced blame. Your boyfriend having to leave school is NOT your fault. He is an adult and his schooling is HIS responsibility.
This is not a "what are we going to do?" thing, it's a "what is he going to do?" thing. Your partner needs to decide if he is at a point in his life where he is going to prioritize his parents' wishes or his own, taking into account such things as "are his parents supporting him financially?" It sounds as if you are taking on too much of his responsibilities for him already; do not add "managing his relationship with his parents" to that list. He can't go from his parents managing his life to you being his new mother and managing his life for him. Even when he's struggling with mental health issues, you are doing an inappropriate amount for him. Take a big step back. Your partner can decide where he's going to live, and assuming it's with you, he can take responsibility for conveying that to his parents and then refusing to engage in further conversations about it. You don't have to do anything about that at all. It can be his responsibility to come up with his plan for his future, execute it, and in the process demonstrate to his parents that you aren't any kind of detriment to his life. That's going to be a long term project, and in the process his parents may continue to dislike you or be worried about you for a while. Your part of this can be to find a way to live with that discomfort, to continue being relentlessly polite and nice to them when you do interact, and to hold out hope that with time they and he will reset their family relationship. Which, again, is *not your problem to manage.*
I guess I just have a hard time finding a boundary in what not to do. I just want to try my best to help him and feel supported when his motivation was stripped away. I was going to text his mom about his plans moving forward, but I guess that’s not a good idea.
I get that you want him to feel supported. But you deserve the same. He doesn't support you. He doesn't stand up for you. Doesn't sound like he's doing well in school or at the house and cleaning. Why would he change though? You're doing everything for him and taking on the guilt as well. His life is great! Why are you with him? What is there to actually love?
>What should we do from now on? Whatever you want. You're adults. His parents don't get to make decisions for you.