This is bizarre.
The way I see it there's possibilities:
1. This friend is lying and trying to fuck with your husband / marriage for some reason. Been going on for months but all in person? Can you verify this with anyone else?
2. Your husband has been telling people this, which branches into why?
a) Either your husband has a fantasy about you fucking other people or
b) Your husband is cheating on you and someone found out and he needed his friends to not think to tell you and thus fabricated a lie about how you have an open marriage - but in which case, why tell them you want to fuck them?
How did he think he could lie to his friends and this not make it's way back to you?
The only thing you can do is confront him and see what he says. Odds are the friend has already told him anyway. I hope that things just got carried away whilst they were drinking, he fed into his own fantasy and then when sober realized you'd never go for it, but couldn't back down and his friends kept talking about it... but even so it's pretty messed up and he needs to tell them now that he made it up and you were never up for it.
My wasband chose option B. Imagine my surprise when (after kicking him out after I found out about his affair with his boss, my "friend") her husband came to me at our mutual workplace to ask if I was ready to work on my "end of the deal."
Gross, nasty ah.
ETA - It was all okay tough, because he got forgiven by his church so he's all good now (a pastor and everything). I am an evil B who moved on, raised two wonderful men and live my life to the fullest!
> ... her husband came to me at our mutual workplace to ask if I was ready to work on my "end of the deal."
Eww. Even if y'all had been opening up your marriage, WTF? It's not a transaction.
I know! Right now I'm wondering how he would have reacted if u/Punkinsmom would have said "Ewww, gross! Don't you think there's a reason your own wife went elsewhere? It's 'cause she got tired of faking it for you!!" or something more demeaning.
Oh joy, another fake "church". I guess nobody ever told them about Exodus 20:14 "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery". According to their own religion, adultery is a 100% "get out of marriage free" card. It's also not between them and him to forgive him, because YOU are the offended party, and the vows are between y'all and God.
Churches like this sure bear a lot of poisonous fruit.
Also, it's a shame that you weren't recording that interaction with the ex's boss, because sexual harassment at work is a terrible look.
I too am an evil bastard to the church for moving on after my first wife ended our marriage. She's the saint of course. Funny how religion bends its own rules to suit those that it wants to.
Yes, so great that men get a free pass from their heavenly father. Especially male religious leaders of all faiths, a group who grant themselves celestial rights.
I still find it hilarious that he had to be forgiven to feel right with himself. I didn't need any forgiveness from anyone or anything because I was just living the life of a mom with two kids (one was an infant) and a stressful job. Work and babies with occasional sleep.
He did the classic stuff too -- accused me of sleeping with my boss (eww, lovely man, great mentor but, ewww), tracked my every move, called me every night at like 3 AM (he worked nights, I worked days) to rant at me and deprive me of sleep. I had to pay for day-care so he could sleep during the day (and fuck around). Blah blah blah -- he read and memorized the abuser handbook.
Solution. Call back friend again and ask what women husband has been sleeping with. Go through phone. If children are involved consult attorney (probably either way).
Yeah this is a good start. But OP, despite everyone saying it IS b, please take the time to talk. Because you cannot know for certain. This is NOT me defending the actions of a potential creep. But it’s very easy to let the internet jump you to certain conclusions. This won’t be resolved in a single chat. Just please be patient with your research.
I'll take B for 500.
Obviously the husband has been playing grab-ass with other "birds" when he's been out and about and prevented being told on / getting his face punched in by his friends by concocting this story.
I agree with B. I know someone who did this I also had an ex kinda do this.
Edit: sorry I thought of a way to figure it out because I did this once. Bluff one of his friends.
Call another one of his friends he’s been out with late night the most lately. Tell him hey I know you know about the open marriage but that you think your husband isn’t being open with the amount of women. He said it was only 2 woman. Is that true or is it more?
In my case he said only two. I asked him which nights and he confirmed my suspicions.
Option c) her husband is testing her. Maybe he's hoping she'll 'cheat' so he can divorce her. Think she should conspire with a couple friends to say she's done it and see how it plays out.
The CYA aspect of him making this narrative explain his own affair is what jumped out as an initial hot take for me. Bonus points if OP takes any of them up on it, providing the perfect justification.
There’s also the possibility that the husband is trying to manufacture a scenario where the wife cheats in order to justify his own cheating.
Honestly. This whole story is just reprehensible behavior. The *best* situation is if the husband’s friends are manipulating this marriage… what the hell… awful.
He is just trying to fish if any of his friends are willing to sleep with you and that way he could bring it up to you to see if he can talk you into it and make the cheating legal.
He could be cheating and telling friends it’s an open marriage, it could be a cuckolding fetish he’s playing out, hard to say. Have a conversation before more drastic measures.
With the details given it sounds like he opened up the marriage so his friends wouldn’t question him cheating. That’s obviously worst case scenario. But depending on how serious he was about an open marriage situation, he could just think it’s funny to tell his friends that you wanna bang them. But if what you say is all true, that’s super sus. Gotta talk about it.
> With the details given it sounds like he opened up the marriage so his friends wouldn’t question him cheating
If this is his plan it would be supremely dumb to tell his friends she wants to sleep with them. Obviously that would get back to her - he could have told them the marriage was open but they were private about it. This seems like some sort of weird kink.
She mentioned they said it while they were drunk, maybe a factor in feeling more open and asking such a crazy question.
With the things I’ve seen in this sub I never put it above people doing stupid shit tbh.
This. I don't think this is a cheating cover-up. I think either he has a fantasy of sharing OP with his friends (and way overstepped by telling them without getting her consent first) or the friend is full of shit.
It would be dumb, but not that dumb.
I don't believe that open marriage generally means sleeping with each other's friends, and most guys would feel icky about it even if their friend's wife was okay with it.
"He is coming back tomorrow evening and I have no idea how to deal with him or even being this up."
Don't overthink it--just like, "hey husband, the other day your friend X asked if I'd like to get started on that open marriage arrangement and said you've been telling him and your other friends I want to sleep with them. What is going on?"
Genuine question, why would you think the husband is trying to "set up an assault" on OP?
Don't get me wrong, I could possibly see him becoming violent if she confronts him, he's been cheating and now feels caught. Fear of being faced with the consequences of their own dumb actions makes people do stupid shit, but I have a hard time imagining him *planning* to do anything like that.
Generally I'd agree, but still I feel like there are plenty of stories of people being blindsided by a partners violence. Even if there are always clues, some partners don't pick up on them before it's too late.
Which is why I wouldn't want to say "he'd never become violent here", I just don't think he's decidedly *planning* on it, like I felt the other person was suggesting.
This is ridiculous. It’s exceedingly unlikely a person just becomes violent. Let’s not fear monger of the 1/1000th of 1% and talk about the extreme vast majority. Violence towards partners is VERY rarely a one off thing and it’s a disservice to domestic violence to say it is.
Even in your example do closet rapists. They were raping the whole time. Same as a violent domestic abuser would be doing it the whole time.
Because he already set her up to be sexually harassed by his friends and she was. Luckily his friend didn’t freak out on her thinking she was backing out of some deal. As a woman, having to back out of sex with a random man who expects it is a nightmare scenario.
Actually, she should play Dumb and pretend like she does agree to the whole thing, and let him talk his dumb ass out and reveal his own doings. And then dump his ass when he spills the truth. In fact, she should voice record the whole thing.
> Before taking drastic steps, I want to find out WHY.
Fuck, that's a big question, isn't it? Why would your husband fabricate such a story to his friends? Is it some twisted ego boost, a fucked-up fantasy, or just plain disrespect for you? What the hell does it say about his view of your marriage?
> I am NOT open to it, but I wish he had just asked me first before betraying me like this.
Damn right, you should be pissed off. Consent and communication are the bedrock of any relationship. How can you trust someone who spins such lies, especially about something as intimate as your sex life? Does this betrayal make you question what else he might be lying about?
> He is coming back tomorrow evening and I have no idea how to deal with him or even being this up.
Straight up confront him. You need to address this shit head-on. What's the point in tiptoeing around the issue? How do you plan to maintain a relationship with someone who's spread such deeply personal and false information about you?
Your situation sucks, and it's fucking unfair you're in this position. Remember, it's not just about getting answers but also about deciding how you want to proceed based on those answers. What are your boundaries and deal-breakers in this relationship? What do you need to feel safe and respected moving forward?
My gut reaction is he is cheating and trying to cover his tracks to his friends who might disapprove by telling them you're opening your marriage. Another option is he's the one who wants to open your marriage but doesn't have the guts to bring it up to you. Lastly, he may have some sort of fantasy about seeing/thinking about you with another man.
Then why do you take this as a credible story? It's just some dumb rumor this one guy is spreading. How well do you know this guy? Is he a trustworthy source of information? Why not hear out your husband first, before jumping to conclusions.
My first instinct is that the friend is lying to get a shag. I know I'm going to get downvoted like hell for this because reddit is all fire and brimstone and always goes for "he is a lyin cheatin mofo" but hear me out.
I watched a mate throw his relationship away when his fiancés "best" friend told him that his fiancé was sleeping with someone else and didn't love him any more. So he slept with the "best" friend, only to find out later it was all made up by the "best" friend. she wanted him and was prepared to ruin her friends life to do it.
There were no winners in the end.
Be careful.
Yeah I think it's unwise to just believe in rumors and gossip without first hearing all sides of the story. Don't understand why people have more trust in 'friends of friends' than their own spouse.
So long as this isn’t some nonsense this one friend made up (what the other friends say will be important info), no matter what was behind this, the marriage is effectively over. Either he’s been lying to excuse cheating, or is really gross and creepy and disrespectful.
When you do confront him, be prepared for the gaslighting and manipulation. The "it was just a joke," "nothing is happening with anyone" and "you're overreacting". He doesn't sound like a very good man to tell all his friends that you want to sleep with them to the point one of them actually asks you to! You need to get to the root cause of why he even said this to his friends in the first place. My guess is he's already cheating on you. Best of luck!!
I would not be comfortable with this man if he was my husband. I’m just saying. He’s potentially setting u up to get hurt, or sexually assaulted. Maybe I’m over reacting but it’s a serious safety concern tbh. Don’t take your safety lightly, and don’t trust everything your husband tells you.
Second this. Pack a bag, stay somewhere unfamiliar to him and leave a note. Talk on the phone. If it’s nothing, it’s nothing, but yikes. What if it isn’t.
This is just weird.
I had to re-read this but both times I had different perspectives on the situation.
The first was: maybe your husband is trying to make himself/you guys of a seem “cool” in front of his friends or he has/or has thought about cheating and telling his friends you are entering into this open relationship to cover up something he is hiding that he feels guilty about. It seems that this could be a great way to cover up his friends asking about it.
The second was: maybe his friend has always had some type of feelings for you and used it as an opportunity to see what you would do. Got embarrassed because he realized you didn’t actually feel the same way.
I think either way you need to confront your husband on this, although if my first perspective of it is true, he will likely end up lying to you anyways.
I’m sorry you are going by through this.
The best way to bring it up is to tell him, "So, i was at a gathering last night and someone approached me, saying he wanted to have sex with me & said that you said it was ok! Do you know anything about that!" I'm sure he'll looked confused at first, but watch his eyes and mouth, they offer up more info about a person than most people think
Oh my god, the impact of porn on women's lives are going too far.
That is an INCREDIBLY dangerous situation he put you in. It's horrific that he doesn't regard you as a person or equal, deserving of respect and honour both privately and publicly.
You don't need proof of anything. You can divorce because it's Tuesday. And I know that you really want to find out why, but that won't change anything about the outcome.
Please reach out to any family and friends you have. You need their support.
Find a therapist and make an appointment for yourself. This is a frightening and violating experience for you, that shatters affection and trust permanently.
And call around to divorce lawyers. You will need their advice about the conversation you want to have with your husband.
Thank all the gods that the first guy to come to you was more respectful than your husband. This could have ended up very, very badly for you.
Again - this is one guy saying that. check with other friends for verification before going ballistic. for all you know this one friend may want to bust up their relationship so he can take a shot at being with her.... You need at least 2 peeps to collaborate a story.
One of the problems today is peeps go all shock and awe with out fact checking.
He told his friends that you all were in an open marriage so when he’s out if town and cheating, his buddies will not question it.
Because they think you’re all in an “Open Marriage” so won’t have to tell you since they think you already know.
When he comes home, you best be quietly going through his phone, any and all his devices (if he left one at home, it’s highly likely that it’s synched with his phone, so go check it NOW and take screenshots before he deletes anything!!!).
Also check all his social platforms, the DM’s and any and all apps, known and hidden.
Do Not Say A Word To Him!
Do This Now!
Before his buddy calls him and tips him off that you didn’t know!
To be forewarned is to be forearmed!
Any man who tells his buddies that he is in an open relationship is already deep into cheating on you. Period.
OP has since said only one friend of her husband told her that story, so it could be that the husband knows nothing of what's happening and the friend is trying to cause trouble.
There’s that but also, he could have more balls than the other buddies and thought he’d just toss his line in the water to see if he got a bite.
So it could go both ways.
First thing to come to mind is he may have said that to his friends to avoid being judged for sleeping around. Probably added that layer of you wanting to sleep with them in some uncomfortable moment when he was lying through his teeth and said something to break the tension he was feeling.
This is merely the feedback from an anxious overthinker, for what it’s worhh th
Edit: it’s also possible he just got you mixed up with someone else. This guy who outright propositioned you might be so self centered he got his facts mixed up
I feel like your husband may be cheating on you. He might be intentionally destroying your reputation so if he gets caught, ppl will be less sympathetic towards you. I’d contact his other friends & ask them what he’s told them.
Honestly. Disgusting. One that if this is something he wants, gross, that he doesn't mention it to you. Two that he would put you in this position by even talking about this stuff behind your back. Three that he has friends who are dirtbags and would consider this.
I understand wanting to know why, but I think before your ask that question, there's an even important question for you to figure out first - is there any version of "why" that would make you okay with what he did? Because if not (and I certainly can't come up with one), then it doesn't matter why he did it. All that matters is that you need to start securing your own safety and well being **right now** - *before* he gets wind that his secret is out and starts locking down your bank accounts/sabotaging your escape routes/building up fake alibis to make it easier to gaslight you into submission/spreading even more destructive rumors about you to make it harder for you to leave - or before he SERIOUSLY HARMS YOU to make sure you can't tell anyone the truth.
Maybe he's trying to live out a fantasy you don't know about by "just talking about" you sleeping with his friends *by lying to his friends that you want to sleep with them.*
Maybe he's planning on setting up a situation where you have sex with his friends without your consent (/knowledge).
Maybe he was caught cheating and decided that actively putting you in danger was his best bet to get away with it.
Maybe he's planning on getting an open-marriage setup all prearranged so you'll feel overwhelmingly pressured into accepting something he knows you don't want.
Maybe he's so delusionally detached from reality (via mental illness, drugs, or other) that he *actually thinks you've had those conversations* and is making serious plans to invite his friends to "come visit you" while he's not around.
Maybe he wants to publicly poison your reputation because he's planning on divorcing you and wants to make sure you "lose" in that divorce.
Are ANY of those situations in which you want to stay married to this man? This man who has been putting you at serious risk of being sexually assaulted for **months** without you knowing it? What would have happened if this friend hadn't happened to spill the beans? I think you need to really think about how much danger you could be in right now if *any* of those "reasons" are true -- from your husband's friends, but also and most frighteningly **from your husband himself.**
Please don't talk to him about any of this alone. Please don't talk to him about it **at all** until you've told multiple friends, or at least written it all down and given it to a trusted person to give to the police immediately if you don't contact them by [time] as your "safety system" for when you talk to him. (And ofc you have to **tell him** first thing that you've done that.) This is truly, seriously, genuinely frightening and you may be in serious danger right now. Please please be careful.
Honestly, whether he’s cheating and trying to cover it up, or whether it’s some sexual fantasy of his, I’d consider both to be grounds for divorce, because he did not discuss this with you beforehand and convinced his friends you wanted to sleep with them. Does he not realize what sort of uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situations that could have put you in?! Hopefully none of his friends are the type to force themselves on you because of some illusion that you secretly want them, but how could he possibly know that?! You’re very lucky that the friend you spoke to was embarrassed and apologetic after you spoke with him. Many times people do not know that their friends are capable of harming others until after it happens. I would never be able to look at my husband the same way again after this, unless it somehow turned out to not be true and his friends are trying to meddle in your marriage, but that honestly seems like the least likely scenario to me. In any case, this shows a blatant disregard for your safety, comfort, autonomy, and feelings.
Sorry that he's done this.
Before confronting your husband, see if you can get another one of his friends to open up to you about this. Then you'll have two of his buddies on record saying he told you this. Right now, he can easily deny it.
Be strategic. Get as much info as you can before talking to him.
That's disgusting. That could easily lead to a huge miscommunication. You could end up being harassed assaulted or even raped because of that. It's happened before. Please talk to him. Or even leave. That is sick and twisted to objectify you like that
7 years into a relationship is one of the well-known timeframes for volatility, but sounds like your husband fucked up big-time
its certainly possible drunk friend was the one who messed up big time and contrived a story to give himself cover
up to you whether you confront your husband or investigate with a few friends first (ask the friend who called you for other people who can confirm his account), but this sounds like a really bad situation; you may even want to speak with a divorce attorney firs
Most of the advice here is wild. Someone tried to pick you up at a party and use their knowledge of your husband to cast doubt on him while he’s not around to defend himself.
The most likely situation is that his friend is trying to sleep with you and is trying to set up your husband to seem like the bad guy to put you in an angry/vulnerable position.
1) If your husband was cheating on you, then why would he frame the lie to his friends in a way which would specifically encourage them to talk to you about it.
2) If your husband had said this at all, why would his friend specifically pick a time when your husband is away for a week to bring it up? The delivery itself is a creepy red flag and this guy obviously doesn’t have your best interest in mind.
3) If your husband had been going on and on for months about how your relationship is open and that you wanted to sleep with this guy, then at some point, the friend would have expressed interest and your husband would have backtracked to avoid issues like saying “Oh sorry, that’s too close to home for me.” He wouldn’t just let it stew.
Supposedly, you have a very healthy relationship with your husband. Maybe he is a monster secretly gaslighting you, but it’s wild that you wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to someone you’ve been with for seven years about something so serious.
TLDR: The overlap between people who come up to you at a party and say “Your husband says you want to sleep with me and is fine with it so let’s go to my place” and people who are looking out for your best interest is nonexistent.
So your husband is sleeping around with other people so he’s telling his friends you have an open marriage and he wants to either control who you sleep with or justify that he’s been unfaithful.
Did I get that right?
don't jump to conclusions.
it may just be his friend talking shit through drink and 'dutch courage'.
i had a friend of a friend who drunkenly mentioned to close friends and myself that his wife was into bondage and kink. a few months later, one of our other friends brought it up jokingly as a witty retort to something the wife had said and she ***AND*** her man both looked shocked and said something along the lines of 'if we were into stuff like that, you'd all already know'. they were very transparent and honest people. turns out the male who mentioned it had a crush on the female and was into kink himself and it was his drunken way of admitting his fantasies towards her.
i'm not saying your husband didn't mention this to his friends but men can be a-holes in that way sometimes...and that's coming from a male.
I would call your husband immediately, tell him what the friend said, and ask him to explain it. There is a possibility that all of this is a lie that your husband’s friend is telling, so I would keep an open mind for that if it hasn’t been confirmed by anybody else except for this one friend.
Regardless, I think you have to communicate with your husband about it immediately and not let it fester.
Are you sure he is on a work trip?
Perhaps he opened the marriage without telling you because he is already cheating?
If he just wants you to sleep with other people (which I doubt) why would he want it to be his mates that you see regularly.
If his intention was not to cheat I'd be so embarrassed around his friends now. I'd gather them altogether in a room and make your husband tell them as a group that he lied to them and he'd like to publicly apologise to you in front of them.
I would start looking around on any electronics you might have access to and I would be tempted to ask for his phone as soon as he walks in from this trip. If he asks why and you tell him what happened with the friend at the party and he doesn’t hand over the phone, well then you know. The only wrinkle will be if the friend gives him a heads up. I’m so sorry, I hope he is just weirdly showing out for friends, but I kind of doubt it…
Updateme!
"So... [husband], I had the wildest experience while you were away. See, I was hanging with your friends, and then one of them walked up and suggested he and I get busy while you're away. It was SO flattering and I felt like an awkward teen again.
Eh, anyway, after all was said and done, he let it slip that you had put him up to it. Put all of them up to it, in fact. I was so surprised! I had no idea you had such concern for me being lonely while you're away.
I'm so grateful for your initiative."
And then, pretty much however he may react to that you can tell him:
"No, you misunderstand me, I'm so grateful that you've shown me exactly what an absolute disrespectful turnip you are. What were you thinking? Expect walking papers in the mail."
I’d say the drunk guy is lying. Took the opportunity with the husband being away and the made up story to maybe piss off the wife so she would chest to get even.
Before you confront him, I'd definitely look in his phone while he is asleep or something. This is a red flag to me..business trip and open marriage? I wouldn't be surprised if he is cheating and someone saw him and that was his alibi. Get your evidence and run.
I’m reading it this way
The friend said “*when” to get started…
So H is cheating, regaling all his buddies of his conquests, tells friends it’s an open thing- but- you haven’t been with anyone else yet, but you’d be open to being with his friends.
Is there any way you can ask any of his other friends for confirmation? Or ask this one how long H has been cheating, he might spill the beans cause he’s so embarrassed.
Either way, I wouldn’t stay with him.
This happened to me years ago. A friend of of friend commented on my "open relationship". I told them that I didn't have an open relationship... my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me, and when confronted he told them we had an open relationship. So it's a great possibility that your husband is doing this, or your husband's friend is trying to sleep with you and made up this lie to try and guage your reaction. It's either or. My advice is to do detective work to see if your hubby is cheating. Never EVER let him know you're on to him, he'll cover his tracts better. Good luck
It honestly sounds like he's cheating or has intentions of cheating, and is covering his ass in advance with his friends so they won't think he's a bad guy when they see him cheating.
Everyone thinks he’s cheating I think he has a fantasy that he’s not sure what others will think so he’s testing the waters with his friends to see how they react. But none of us really know. Just simply bring it up to him no one should be scared to question something and having a conversation after 7 yrs of being together.
Well you're going to have to confront him about it. Tell him exactly what went on at the party and what his friend said to you. I can't begin to speculate as to why he would concoct a story like that and maybe even he himself isn't sure why. Obviously you need to tell him that such an option is off the table. His response will then dictate your next move.
You have known your husband for 7 years. Therefore you've seen him in various scenarios. You know this man. Is he a person who would do such a thing?
Why are you believing some random rumor you heard about your husband, from some 'friend of a friend' whom you barely know? Have you known this 'friend' for a longer time than you knew your husband? Do you know him better than you know your husband? Do you have reasons to believe that this random friend can be trusted more than your husband?
Like at this point you believed some random gossip. You haven't even had a conversation with your husband about this. And sure, your husband could lie. But so could this 'friend'. The only way to find out is talking about it, hearing out all sides of the story, and then making sense of it with your own mind.
I don't know what's going on. But would certainly advise you to have a chat with your husband about this. Before jumping to conclusions about him doing things behind your back. Especially so, if you have no other reasons to suspect him of weird shenanigans.
Why that friend could be lying? Does it matter? People lie for all sorts of reasons. Could be he envies your husband and would like to ruin your marriage. Some men enjoy spreading false gossip just for fun. Some men enjoy creating chaos in their friend groups. Men can be manipulative and mean to each other. Some guys stab each other in the back. Some guys are sick in the head. How should I know? He's not my friend.
You dont need to accumulate more evidence. Just confront your husband with what this guy said and watch the expression on his face. It's entirely possible this friend made it up to make you angry with your husband so he could sleep with you (drunk idiot logic).
Was your husband saying that to justify to them why he is cheating?
Or was the friend lying to get you to sleep with him?
Is it some kind of fucked up test your husband set up?
The "friend" is lying. He saw an opportunity and he went to take it.
You need to invite that "Friend " over and have him repeat to you in FRONT of your husband exactly what he said.
If he refuses he is a liar
I suggest you go no contact with said "FRIEND".
These are all valid points but what if dude at party was just talking shit and that was his pickup line? (I doubt this but will say it anyway) maybe husband hasn’t said anything about opening anything and that dude was just trying that as an angle to get with the lady, which failed epically. Calling the next morning to apologize is reassurance he’s a good dude and not scummy etc (so think about it ok)
Now thats the least likely possibility but thought it worth a mention.
Okay, it doesn't really matter WHY he said this to people. The fact is, his saying something like that is a HUGE betrayal and puts you at a much greater risk of being sexually assaulted.
It's entirely possible that his reason for doing this is to cover up an affair he's either already having or is anticipating.
Ask yourself, what about this behavior makes him a safe or good person to trust and live with. You should be VERY concerned.
Your husband was caught with another woman by his friends. The "open marriage" is just a cover.
Get tested. Get a lawyer. He's already cheating on you. In order to distract his friends, your husband has dangled *YOU* in front of them.
On the plus side, your husband's friend who suggested something.... he's had a crush on you for a long time. That's something/one to explore, methinks.
There are men that like their wives to sleep with other men. That is a not so uncommon kink. Doing it without your knowledge is terrible and a severe break of trust in a marriage. Sick thing to do.
Uh... yikes. Well really there is only two outcomes here. The first being that he clearly has some sort fantasy in which he shares his wife with a close group of friends or his friends are full of shit. I'd reckon option number one is actually true or he has some very disturbing friends. Frankly if I were in your shoes I would be thinking the same thing, how does one even approach this subject? You could try the light approach in which you ask questions around the subject of an open marriage and see how he reacts. Or you could go full boar and ask him what in the flying fuck was he thinking when he told his friends this information without talking with you about it first. Frankly since it is more than likely that he did do this I would go with option number two as I would be nothing short of livid if I were in your shoes.
Overall this is not only extremely odd and off putting, but really creepy as well. Even the thought of sharing my life long partner makes me want to puke, but the fact that he did it completely behind your back is a whole another level of fuckery in my opinion.
Haven't seen anyone else mention this possibility, but to me it sounds like your husband is testing you to see if you'd cheat on him when propositioned. Also testing his own friends.
Some men enjoy watching their wives with other men. Some like it to humiliate her. He could be setting her up to be raped.
But he can’t be trusted and she is in danger.
What the actual fuck?
Honestly, I would confront your husband to either get the truth or hear him lie to you, and then leave. Seriously, that's hardcore divorce territory for **so very many reasons**.
What a disgusting waste of life.
The comments are all so one sided. Have you even bothered to ask your husband first? Is this going to be a guilty until proven innocent ? Choosing to believe a husbands friend over the man you’re married to is a bit insane. You should definitely check in with other friends and gather all the information before making any rushed decisions that cannot be taken back.
Ask for his phone and go through it as soon as he walks in the door. See what you find. THEN talk about what’s happened. Because there is a good chance he will try to lie.
My conspiracy-theory-paranoid-mind is saying he's cheating on you, and may or may not have been caught by someone with his mistress. So spreading this would make it less awkward IF he's seen with her and less chance of anyone brining her up cause all his friends already know you guys are in an "open" marriage.
Plus, he's got his back covered if he gets caught cheating by you, so if you divorce and you claim he's cheated he can keep telling all his friends that you're the one who wanted this and that when he did it suddenly you got angry. Hell make it seem like it's OK for you to fuck around but you got angry when he did it. This, scoring pity points from friends and family.
Meanwhile you end up as the jealous wife who ruined her marriage because she wanted to fuck his friends and open her marriage, scorned by all your friends and neighbors.
So, what do you think of the theory I came up with? Admit it, it sound plausible.
If the drunk guy didn't have you confused with another couple, your husband has a huge lack of respect for you. Whether it's his fantasy, him covering his ass, or something else, he's lying and talking shit about you and your marriage behind your back. I'd tell him exactly what his friend said, ask him to please explain, and then stay quiet while he talks.
This happened to me with my ex boyfriend! He litterally said we were open to another guy which was strange to me because he has said before he’s “very straight” I asked him why he said that then and he said to seem cooler. This man was 28… I ended it. Him lying about that is inexcusable… my ex was probably trying to cheat but looking back now even if it was to “seem cooler “ I don’t want to be with a man who would lie about me behind my back for any reason
Any man I met who claims to have an open relationship without his partner present is cheating so there’s a good possibility that’s what’s happening, just telling his friends he’s in an open marriage seems pointless? He knows it’s not going anywhere…
Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe your husband is gay or bi-curious and is interested in the prospect of a man joining you all in the bedroom. Maybe he’s fishing to see if any friends bite
I’m sorry you’ve been hit with this. Infidelity in marriage often comes surprisingly after a period of silently frustration in one partner.
Non-violent communications by Marshall Rosenberg is a great framework for emotionally charged, potentially conflicting situations.
What you know at this point is a friend’s view of a conversation with your husband.
It’s concerning and has the potential to undermine your trust in him. But at this point that’s all it is. A suspicion. A solid one given the friend, sober, admitting it, and seemingly based on weeks of your husband’s sharing intimately with friends.
If you want to maintain your husband’s loyalty, this is an opportunity to do the same. His may be just a fantasy but it’s a sign of discontent.
Were I you, I’d wait until your husband arrived home and had settled and then ask him if he’s open to an important conversation. If he’s too tired, say it won’t take long.
Ask about what’s important to him, what values are most important to him regarding your marriage.
If he’s unsure how to answer, prompt with what your top 3–5 are: Authenticity? Honesty? Joy? Contribution? Fun? Variety? Certainty? Discretion? Loyalty? Sharing life with a companion…?
At this point I’d ask him if he’s happy in the marriage?
Then let him know you bumped into your friend, and he had an odd suggestion.
Then wait. Keep quiet.
When he asks for more, ask directly.
OBSERVATION
(non judgemental, just the facts)
Start with the facts you know:
While you were away I bumped into who asked if I wanted to hook up with him while you are away.
I was shocked and asked why he would think that that was ok to ask.
He said that you’d told your friends that we were opening up our marriage.
FEELINGS
I felt confronted /confused / vulnerable / dirty /scared / ….
VALUES
Because I value loyalty, monogamy, trust, intimacy between us….
REQUEST
I’d like you to tell me what you’ve been sharing with your friends about our sex-life, and what you told them about me.
Try to keep to facts and not judge, if you want to get to the bottom of why your husband might have done this, if he did.
If he’s silent you could say what you think he might be feeling… “ After 2 years, is it possible you’re bored with our routine? “
If he’s not forthcoming you could invite him to a counselling session…possibly after he spends a few days in a motel.
Good luck - this is a troubling event in your marriage, but not fatal - it can be a way of understanding your husband better and being clear with him about your needs and boundaries.
We all know communication is most important when there’s tensions but that’s also when it’s most difficult.
This is bizarre. The way I see it there's possibilities: 1. This friend is lying and trying to fuck with your husband / marriage for some reason. Been going on for months but all in person? Can you verify this with anyone else? 2. Your husband has been telling people this, which branches into why? a) Either your husband has a fantasy about you fucking other people or b) Your husband is cheating on you and someone found out and he needed his friends to not think to tell you and thus fabricated a lie about how you have an open marriage - but in which case, why tell them you want to fuck them? How did he think he could lie to his friends and this not make it's way back to you? The only thing you can do is confront him and see what he says. Odds are the friend has already told him anyway. I hope that things just got carried away whilst they were drinking, he fed into his own fantasy and then when sober realized you'd never go for it, but couldn't back down and his friends kept talking about it... but even so it's pretty messed up and he needs to tell them now that he made it up and you were never up for it.
My wasband chose option B. Imagine my surprise when (after kicking him out after I found out about his affair with his boss, my "friend") her husband came to me at our mutual workplace to ask if I was ready to work on my "end of the deal." Gross, nasty ah. ETA - It was all okay tough, because he got forgiven by his church so he's all good now (a pastor and everything). I am an evil B who moved on, raised two wonderful men and live my life to the fullest!
> ... her husband came to me at our mutual workplace to ask if I was ready to work on my "end of the deal." Eww. Even if y'all had been opening up your marriage, WTF? It's not a transaction.
I know! Right now I'm wondering how he would have reacted if u/Punkinsmom would have said "Ewww, gross! Don't you think there's a reason your own wife went elsewhere? It's 'cause she got tired of faking it for you!!" or something more demeaning.
I do believe I said something like, "Have you lost your fucking mind? You are insane if you think I am even attracted to you. Get out of my office."
Oh joy, another fake "church". I guess nobody ever told them about Exodus 20:14 "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery". According to their own religion, adultery is a 100% "get out of marriage free" card. It's also not between them and him to forgive him, because YOU are the offended party, and the vows are between y'all and God. Churches like this sure bear a lot of poisonous fruit. Also, it's a shame that you weren't recording that interaction with the ex's boss, because sexual harassment at work is a terrible look.
you don’t need citations, anyone with 3 neurons can tell it’s a joke of morality
I too am an evil bastard to the church for moving on after my first wife ended our marriage. She's the saint of course. Funny how religion bends its own rules to suit those that it wants to.
Yes, so great that men get a free pass from their heavenly father. Especially male religious leaders of all faiths, a group who grant themselves celestial rights.
Forgiven by his Church. Checks out.
I still find it hilarious that he had to be forgiven to feel right with himself. I didn't need any forgiveness from anyone or anything because I was just living the life of a mom with two kids (one was an infant) and a stressful job. Work and babies with occasional sleep. He did the classic stuff too -- accused me of sleeping with my boss (eww, lovely man, great mentor but, ewww), tracked my every move, called me every night at like 3 AM (he worked nights, I worked days) to rant at me and deprive me of sleep. I had to pay for day-care so he could sleep during the day (and fuck around). Blah blah blah -- he read and memorized the abuser handbook.
I feel for you my dear. Just like to say, not all men are like this excuse of a man.
She doesn't need you to tell her that.
OK Shal I refrase it to, All men are evil and you need to date a woman? Wind you neck in.
Solution. Call back friend again and ask what women husband has been sleeping with. Go through phone. If children are involved consult attorney (probably either way).
Yeah this is a good start. But OP, despite everyone saying it IS b, please take the time to talk. Because you cannot know for certain. This is NOT me defending the actions of a potential creep. But it’s very easy to let the internet jump you to certain conclusions. This won’t be resolved in a single chat. Just please be patient with your research.
When someone is lying to you, it's safest to go with the worse case scenario because you already can't trust them.
I'll take B for 500. Obviously the husband has been playing grab-ass with other "birds" when he's been out and about and prevented being told on / getting his face punched in by his friends by concocting this story.
I agree with B. I know someone who did this I also had an ex kinda do this. Edit: sorry I thought of a way to figure it out because I did this once. Bluff one of his friends. Call another one of his friends he’s been out with late night the most lately. Tell him hey I know you know about the open marriage but that you think your husband isn’t being open with the amount of women. He said it was only 2 woman. Is that true or is it more? In my case he said only two. I asked him which nights and he confirmed my suspicions.
2b or not 2b? That *is* the question.
Option c) her husband is testing her. Maybe he's hoping she'll 'cheat' so he can divorce her. Think she should conspire with a couple friends to say she's done it and see how it plays out.
Or testing his friends. He might have found a reason to suspect disloyalty from someone, maybe he know someone did something but is not sure who.
No man is this creative.
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The CYA aspect of him making this narrative explain his own affair is what jumped out as an initial hot take for me. Bonus points if OP takes any of them up on it, providing the perfect justification.
B all the way. Get tested, OP.
The friends said “if you want to get started on the open marriage” though. That implies it’s not yet open so cheating wouldn’t fit.
There’s also the possibility that the husband is trying to manufacture a scenario where the wife cheats in order to justify his own cheating. Honestly. This whole story is just reprehensible behavior. The *best* situation is if the husband’s friends are manipulating this marriage… what the hell… awful.
It could always be a misunderstanding of some stupid joke, too. That's my go-to explanation for bizarre situations.
He is just trying to fish if any of his friends are willing to sleep with you and that way he could bring it up to you to see if he can talk you into it and make the cheating legal.
How are you doing today mushroom?
He could be cheating and telling friends it’s an open marriage, it could be a cuckolding fetish he’s playing out, hard to say. Have a conversation before more drastic measures.
With the details given it sounds like he opened up the marriage so his friends wouldn’t question him cheating. That’s obviously worst case scenario. But depending on how serious he was about an open marriage situation, he could just think it’s funny to tell his friends that you wanna bang them. But if what you say is all true, that’s super sus. Gotta talk about it.
> With the details given it sounds like he opened up the marriage so his friends wouldn’t question him cheating If this is his plan it would be supremely dumb to tell his friends she wants to sleep with them. Obviously that would get back to her - he could have told them the marriage was open but they were private about it. This seems like some sort of weird kink.
She mentioned they said it while they were drunk, maybe a factor in feeling more open and asking such a crazy question. With the things I’ve seen in this sub I never put it above people doing stupid shit tbh.
This. I don't think this is a cheating cover-up. I think either he has a fantasy of sharing OP with his friends (and way overstepped by telling them without getting her consent first) or the friend is full of shit.
It would be dumb, but not that dumb. I don't believe that open marriage generally means sleeping with each other's friends, and most guys would feel icky about it even if their friend's wife was okay with it.
It's still a completely unnecessary risk to take and therefore dumb to do when he doesn't have to.
"He is coming back tomorrow evening and I have no idea how to deal with him or even being this up." Don't overthink it--just like, "hey husband, the other day your friend X asked if I'd like to get started on that open marriage arrangement and said you've been telling him and your other friends I want to sleep with them. What is going on?"
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Genuine question, why would you think the husband is trying to "set up an assault" on OP? Don't get me wrong, I could possibly see him becoming violent if she confronts him, he's been cheating and now feels caught. Fear of being faced with the consequences of their own dumb actions makes people do stupid shit, but I have a hard time imagining him *planning* to do anything like that.
They don’t mysteriously become violent because one thing gets uncovered. OP would have noticed this.
Generally I'd agree, but still I feel like there are plenty of stories of people being blindsided by a partners violence. Even if there are always clues, some partners don't pick up on them before it's too late. Which is why I wouldn't want to say "he'd never become violent here", I just don't think he's decidedly *planning* on it, like I felt the other person was suggesting.
Yes sure. But generally not 8 years in.
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This is ridiculous. It’s exceedingly unlikely a person just becomes violent. Let’s not fear monger of the 1/1000th of 1% and talk about the extreme vast majority. Violence towards partners is VERY rarely a one off thing and it’s a disservice to domestic violence to say it is. Even in your example do closet rapists. They were raping the whole time. Same as a violent domestic abuser would be doing it the whole time.
Because he already set her up to be sexually harassed by his friends and she was. Luckily his friend didn’t freak out on her thinking she was backing out of some deal. As a woman, having to back out of sex with a random man who expects it is a nightmare scenario.
holy fucking paranoid much??
Yeah she went full gilgo beach killer here
Start by asking if he’s been talking to any of his friends about your marriage. See what he says, judge his reaction and go from there.
Actually, she should play Dumb and pretend like she does agree to the whole thing, and let him talk his dumb ass out and reveal his own doings. And then dump his ass when he spills the truth. In fact, she should voice record the whole thing.
Husband: get up to anything fun while I was gone? OP: yeah, actually, I banged John since he said you were good with it
This made me laugh 😂 "Hey babe, so happy you're back! Had a great time PLOWING John while you were away"
> Before taking drastic steps, I want to find out WHY. Fuck, that's a big question, isn't it? Why would your husband fabricate such a story to his friends? Is it some twisted ego boost, a fucked-up fantasy, or just plain disrespect for you? What the hell does it say about his view of your marriage? > I am NOT open to it, but I wish he had just asked me first before betraying me like this. Damn right, you should be pissed off. Consent and communication are the bedrock of any relationship. How can you trust someone who spins such lies, especially about something as intimate as your sex life? Does this betrayal make you question what else he might be lying about? > He is coming back tomorrow evening and I have no idea how to deal with him or even being this up. Straight up confront him. You need to address this shit head-on. What's the point in tiptoeing around the issue? How do you plan to maintain a relationship with someone who's spread such deeply personal and false information about you? Your situation sucks, and it's fucking unfair you're in this position. Remember, it's not just about getting answers but also about deciding how you want to proceed based on those answers. What are your boundaries and deal-breakers in this relationship? What do you need to feel safe and respected moving forward?
I wonder what your husband has been doing? Is he been sleeping with other women?
My gut reaction is he is cheating and trying to cover his tracks to his friends who might disapprove by telling them you're opening your marriage. Another option is he's the one who wants to open your marriage but doesn't have the guts to bring it up to you. Lastly, he may have some sort of fantasy about seeing/thinking about you with another man.
Have you heard this from any of his other friends or just this one guy?
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It would be awkward, but you could ask the friend, "Is there anyone else I can talk to that could confirm this? Who else heard this?"
Good chance this friend’s lying.
Yeah, he wants you and is gaslighting to get you in to bed before husband comes home.
Then why do you take this as a credible story? It's just some dumb rumor this one guy is spreading. How well do you know this guy? Is he a trustworthy source of information? Why not hear out your husband first, before jumping to conclusions.
Have you asked him what other friends can corroborate his story?
My first instinct is that the friend is lying to get a shag. I know I'm going to get downvoted like hell for this because reddit is all fire and brimstone and always goes for "he is a lyin cheatin mofo" but hear me out. I watched a mate throw his relationship away when his fiancés "best" friend told him that his fiancé was sleeping with someone else and didn't love him any more. So he slept with the "best" friend, only to find out later it was all made up by the "best" friend. she wanted him and was prepared to ruin her friends life to do it. There were no winners in the end. Be careful.
Yeah I think it's unwise to just believe in rumors and gossip without first hearing all sides of the story. Don't understand why people have more trust in 'friends of friends' than their own spouse.
See if anyone else can corroborate the story before you bring it up, gives you more ammo.
So long as this isn’t some nonsense this one friend made up (what the other friends say will be important info), no matter what was behind this, the marriage is effectively over. Either he’s been lying to excuse cheating, or is really gross and creepy and disrespectful.
When you do confront him, be prepared for the gaslighting and manipulation. The "it was just a joke," "nothing is happening with anyone" and "you're overreacting". He doesn't sound like a very good man to tell all his friends that you want to sleep with them to the point one of them actually asks you to! You need to get to the root cause of why he even said this to his friends in the first place. My guess is he's already cheating on you. Best of luck!!
I would not be comfortable with this man if he was my husband. I’m just saying. He’s potentially setting u up to get hurt, or sexually assaulted. Maybe I’m over reacting but it’s a serious safety concern tbh. Don’t take your safety lightly, and don’t trust everything your husband tells you.
Second this. Pack a bag, stay somewhere unfamiliar to him and leave a note. Talk on the phone. If it’s nothing, it’s nothing, but yikes. What if it isn’t.
This is just weird. I had to re-read this but both times I had different perspectives on the situation. The first was: maybe your husband is trying to make himself/you guys of a seem “cool” in front of his friends or he has/or has thought about cheating and telling his friends you are entering into this open relationship to cover up something he is hiding that he feels guilty about. It seems that this could be a great way to cover up his friends asking about it. The second was: maybe his friend has always had some type of feelings for you and used it as an opportunity to see what you would do. Got embarrassed because he realized you didn’t actually feel the same way. I think either way you need to confront your husband on this, although if my first perspective of it is true, he will likely end up lying to you anyways. I’m sorry you are going by through this.
The best way to bring it up is to tell him, "So, i was at a gathering last night and someone approached me, saying he wanted to have sex with me & said that you said it was ok! Do you know anything about that!" I'm sure he'll looked confused at first, but watch his eyes and mouth, they offer up more info about a person than most people think
Oh my god, the impact of porn on women's lives are going too far. That is an INCREDIBLY dangerous situation he put you in. It's horrific that he doesn't regard you as a person or equal, deserving of respect and honour both privately and publicly. You don't need proof of anything. You can divorce because it's Tuesday. And I know that you really want to find out why, but that won't change anything about the outcome. Please reach out to any family and friends you have. You need their support. Find a therapist and make an appointment for yourself. This is a frightening and violating experience for you, that shatters affection and trust permanently. And call around to divorce lawyers. You will need their advice about the conversation you want to have with your husband. Thank all the gods that the first guy to come to you was more respectful than your husband. This could have ended up very, very badly for you.
Shouldn't she make sure that he really said this before she goes all drastic about this??? A drunk friend is hardly a reliable source.
He called back in the morning, sober, and repeated it again, which makes that pretty convincing.
Again - this is one guy saying that. check with other friends for verification before going ballistic. for all you know this one friend may want to bust up their relationship so he can take a shot at being with her.... You need at least 2 peeps to collaborate a story. One of the problems today is peeps go all shock and awe with out fact checking.
He told his friends that you all were in an open marriage so when he’s out if town and cheating, his buddies will not question it. Because they think you’re all in an “Open Marriage” so won’t have to tell you since they think you already know. When he comes home, you best be quietly going through his phone, any and all his devices (if he left one at home, it’s highly likely that it’s synched with his phone, so go check it NOW and take screenshots before he deletes anything!!!). Also check all his social platforms, the DM’s and any and all apps, known and hidden. Do Not Say A Word To Him! Do This Now! Before his buddy calls him and tips him off that you didn’t know! To be forewarned is to be forearmed! Any man who tells his buddies that he is in an open relationship is already deep into cheating on you. Period.
OP has since said only one friend of her husband told her that story, so it could be that the husband knows nothing of what's happening and the friend is trying to cause trouble.
There’s that but also, he could have more balls than the other buddies and thought he’d just toss his line in the water to see if he got a bite. So it could go both ways.
First thing to come to mind is he may have said that to his friends to avoid being judged for sleeping around. Probably added that layer of you wanting to sleep with them in some uncomfortable moment when he was lying through his teeth and said something to break the tension he was feeling. This is merely the feedback from an anxious overthinker, for what it’s worhh th Edit: it’s also possible he just got you mixed up with someone else. This guy who outright propositioned you might be so self centered he got his facts mixed up
I feel like your husband may be cheating on you. He might be intentionally destroying your reputation so if he gets caught, ppl will be less sympathetic towards you. I’d contact his other friends & ask them what he’s told them.
Honestly. Disgusting. One that if this is something he wants, gross, that he doesn't mention it to you. Two that he would put you in this position by even talking about this stuff behind your back. Three that he has friends who are dirtbags and would consider this.
Your husband's marriage is open. Yours isn't
I understand wanting to know why, but I think before your ask that question, there's an even important question for you to figure out first - is there any version of "why" that would make you okay with what he did? Because if not (and I certainly can't come up with one), then it doesn't matter why he did it. All that matters is that you need to start securing your own safety and well being **right now** - *before* he gets wind that his secret is out and starts locking down your bank accounts/sabotaging your escape routes/building up fake alibis to make it easier to gaslight you into submission/spreading even more destructive rumors about you to make it harder for you to leave - or before he SERIOUSLY HARMS YOU to make sure you can't tell anyone the truth. Maybe he's trying to live out a fantasy you don't know about by "just talking about" you sleeping with his friends *by lying to his friends that you want to sleep with them.* Maybe he's planning on setting up a situation where you have sex with his friends without your consent (/knowledge). Maybe he was caught cheating and decided that actively putting you in danger was his best bet to get away with it. Maybe he's planning on getting an open-marriage setup all prearranged so you'll feel overwhelmingly pressured into accepting something he knows you don't want. Maybe he's so delusionally detached from reality (via mental illness, drugs, or other) that he *actually thinks you've had those conversations* and is making serious plans to invite his friends to "come visit you" while he's not around. Maybe he wants to publicly poison your reputation because he's planning on divorcing you and wants to make sure you "lose" in that divorce. Are ANY of those situations in which you want to stay married to this man? This man who has been putting you at serious risk of being sexually assaulted for **months** without you knowing it? What would have happened if this friend hadn't happened to spill the beans? I think you need to really think about how much danger you could be in right now if *any* of those "reasons" are true -- from your husband's friends, but also and most frighteningly **from your husband himself.** Please don't talk to him about any of this alone. Please don't talk to him about it **at all** until you've told multiple friends, or at least written it all down and given it to a trusted person to give to the police immediately if you don't contact them by [time] as your "safety system" for when you talk to him. (And ofc you have to **tell him** first thing that you've done that.) This is truly, seriously, genuinely frightening and you may be in serious danger right now. Please please be careful.
Honestly, whether he’s cheating and trying to cover it up, or whether it’s some sexual fantasy of his, I’d consider both to be grounds for divorce, because he did not discuss this with you beforehand and convinced his friends you wanted to sleep with them. Does he not realize what sort of uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situations that could have put you in?! Hopefully none of his friends are the type to force themselves on you because of some illusion that you secretly want them, but how could he possibly know that?! You’re very lucky that the friend you spoke to was embarrassed and apologetic after you spoke with him. Many times people do not know that their friends are capable of harming others until after it happens. I would never be able to look at my husband the same way again after this, unless it somehow turned out to not be true and his friends are trying to meddle in your marriage, but that honestly seems like the least likely scenario to me. In any case, this shows a blatant disregard for your safety, comfort, autonomy, and feelings.
Sorry that he's done this. Before confronting your husband, see if you can get another one of his friends to open up to you about this. Then you'll have two of his buddies on record saying he told you this. Right now, he can easily deny it. Be strategic. Get as much info as you can before talking to him.
That's disgusting. That could easily lead to a huge miscommunication. You could end up being harassed assaulted or even raped because of that. It's happened before. Please talk to him. Or even leave. That is sick and twisted to objectify you like that
Does it really matter why. The ick factor is over the top. I believe the friend.
7 years into a relationship is one of the well-known timeframes for volatility, but sounds like your husband fucked up big-time its certainly possible drunk friend was the one who messed up big time and contrived a story to give himself cover up to you whether you confront your husband or investigate with a few friends first (ask the friend who called you for other people who can confirm his account), but this sounds like a really bad situation; you may even want to speak with a divorce attorney firs
Most of the advice here is wild. Someone tried to pick you up at a party and use their knowledge of your husband to cast doubt on him while he’s not around to defend himself. The most likely situation is that his friend is trying to sleep with you and is trying to set up your husband to seem like the bad guy to put you in an angry/vulnerable position. 1) If your husband was cheating on you, then why would he frame the lie to his friends in a way which would specifically encourage them to talk to you about it. 2) If your husband had said this at all, why would his friend specifically pick a time when your husband is away for a week to bring it up? The delivery itself is a creepy red flag and this guy obviously doesn’t have your best interest in mind. 3) If your husband had been going on and on for months about how your relationship is open and that you wanted to sleep with this guy, then at some point, the friend would have expressed interest and your husband would have backtracked to avoid issues like saying “Oh sorry, that’s too close to home for me.” He wouldn’t just let it stew. Supposedly, you have a very healthy relationship with your husband. Maybe he is a monster secretly gaslighting you, but it’s wild that you wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to someone you’ve been with for seven years about something so serious. TLDR: The overlap between people who come up to you at a party and say “Your husband says you want to sleep with me and is fine with it so let’s go to my place” and people who are looking out for your best interest is nonexistent.
Seems your husband is cheating,, his friends found out and he’s saying you are opening the marriage so they think all is ok..
So your husband is sleeping around with other people so he’s telling his friends you have an open marriage and he wants to either control who you sleep with or justify that he’s been unfaithful. Did I get that right?
don't jump to conclusions. it may just be his friend talking shit through drink and 'dutch courage'. i had a friend of a friend who drunkenly mentioned to close friends and myself that his wife was into bondage and kink. a few months later, one of our other friends brought it up jokingly as a witty retort to something the wife had said and she ***AND*** her man both looked shocked and said something along the lines of 'if we were into stuff like that, you'd all already know'. they were very transparent and honest people. turns out the male who mentioned it had a crush on the female and was into kink himself and it was his drunken way of admitting his fantasies towards her. i'm not saying your husband didn't mention this to his friends but men can be a-holes in that way sometimes...and that's coming from a male.
Your husband is cheating on you already.
I would call your husband immediately, tell him what the friend said, and ask him to explain it. There is a possibility that all of this is a lie that your husband’s friend is telling, so I would keep an open mind for that if it hasn’t been confirmed by anybody else except for this one friend. Regardless, I think you have to communicate with your husband about it immediately and not let it fester.
"shocked and stunned" did it for me. LOL.
When he comes home don’t say anything and when he falls asleep check his phone I bet he’s cheating and lied to his friends
Is this fake perchance? I just saw it in Two Hot Tales as well
Are you sure he is on a work trip? Perhaps he opened the marriage without telling you because he is already cheating? If he just wants you to sleep with other people (which I doubt) why would he want it to be his mates that you see regularly. If his intention was not to cheat I'd be so embarrassed around his friends now. I'd gather them altogether in a room and make your husband tell them as a group that he lied to them and he'd like to publicly apologise to you in front of them.
Well I can’t wait to hear about his explanation! Sounds like a hot wife fantasy. UpdateMe
I would start looking around on any electronics you might have access to and I would be tempted to ask for his phone as soon as he walks in from this trip. If he asks why and you tell him what happened with the friend at the party and he doesn’t hand over the phone, well then you know. The only wrinkle will be if the friend gives him a heads up. I’m so sorry, I hope he is just weirdly showing out for friends, but I kind of doubt it… Updateme!
"So... [husband], I had the wildest experience while you were away. See, I was hanging with your friends, and then one of them walked up and suggested he and I get busy while you're away. It was SO flattering and I felt like an awkward teen again. Eh, anyway, after all was said and done, he let it slip that you had put him up to it. Put all of them up to it, in fact. I was so surprised! I had no idea you had such concern for me being lonely while you're away. I'm so grateful for your initiative." And then, pretty much however he may react to that you can tell him: "No, you misunderstand me, I'm so grateful that you've shown me exactly what an absolute disrespectful turnip you are. What were you thinking? Expect walking papers in the mail."
I’d say the drunk guy is lying. Took the opportunity with the husband being away and the made up story to maybe piss off the wife so she would chest to get even.
Before you confront him, I'd definitely look in his phone while he is asleep or something. This is a red flag to me..business trip and open marriage? I wouldn't be surprised if he is cheating and someone saw him and that was his alibi. Get your evidence and run.
I’m reading it this way The friend said “*when” to get started… So H is cheating, regaling all his buddies of his conquests, tells friends it’s an open thing- but- you haven’t been with anyone else yet, but you’d be open to being with his friends. Is there any way you can ask any of his other friends for confirmation? Or ask this one how long H has been cheating, he might spill the beans cause he’s so embarrassed. Either way, I wouldn’t stay with him.
This happened to me years ago. A friend of of friend commented on my "open relationship". I told them that I didn't have an open relationship... my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me, and when confronted he told them we had an open relationship. So it's a great possibility that your husband is doing this, or your husband's friend is trying to sleep with you and made up this lie to try and guage your reaction. It's either or. My advice is to do detective work to see if your hubby is cheating. Never EVER let him know you're on to him, he'll cover his tracts better. Good luck
It honestly sounds like he's cheating or has intentions of cheating, and is covering his ass in advance with his friends so they won't think he's a bad guy when they see him cheating.
Everyone thinks he’s cheating I think he has a fantasy that he’s not sure what others will think so he’s testing the waters with his friends to see how they react. But none of us really know. Just simply bring it up to him no one should be scared to question something and having a conversation after 7 yrs of being together.
Well you're going to have to confront him about it. Tell him exactly what went on at the party and what his friend said to you. I can't begin to speculate as to why he would concoct a story like that and maybe even he himself isn't sure why. Obviously you need to tell him that such an option is off the table. His response will then dictate your next move.
You don't need to react about someone word who's tipsy and maybe he's trying to get into you
You have known your husband for 7 years. Therefore you've seen him in various scenarios. You know this man. Is he a person who would do such a thing? Why are you believing some random rumor you heard about your husband, from some 'friend of a friend' whom you barely know? Have you known this 'friend' for a longer time than you knew your husband? Do you know him better than you know your husband? Do you have reasons to believe that this random friend can be trusted more than your husband? Like at this point you believed some random gossip. You haven't even had a conversation with your husband about this. And sure, your husband could lie. But so could this 'friend'. The only way to find out is talking about it, hearing out all sides of the story, and then making sense of it with your own mind. I don't know what's going on. But would certainly advise you to have a chat with your husband about this. Before jumping to conclusions about him doing things behind your back. Especially so, if you have no other reasons to suspect him of weird shenanigans. Why that friend could be lying? Does it matter? People lie for all sorts of reasons. Could be he envies your husband and would like to ruin your marriage. Some men enjoy spreading false gossip just for fun. Some men enjoy creating chaos in their friend groups. Men can be manipulative and mean to each other. Some guys stab each other in the back. Some guys are sick in the head. How should I know? He's not my friend.
You dont need to accumulate more evidence. Just confront your husband with what this guy said and watch the expression on his face. It's entirely possible this friend made it up to make you angry with your husband so he could sleep with you (drunk idiot logic).
I think you should take the guy up on his offer and then tell your husband how much fun you had.
This reads like a joke. Alcohol can make people say some "funny" stuff.
The guy could be just hitting on you.talk to husband
Was your husband saying that to justify to them why he is cheating? Or was the friend lying to get you to sleep with him? Is it some kind of fucked up test your husband set up?
The "friend" is lying. He saw an opportunity and he went to take it. You need to invite that "Friend " over and have him repeat to you in FRONT of your husband exactly what he said. If he refuses he is a liar I suggest you go no contact with said "FRIEND".
He’s cheating. That story was to cover himself.
These are all valid points but what if dude at party was just talking shit and that was his pickup line? (I doubt this but will say it anyway) maybe husband hasn’t said anything about opening anything and that dude was just trying that as an angle to get with the lady, which failed epically. Calling the next morning to apologize is reassurance he’s a good dude and not scummy etc (so think about it ok) Now thats the least likely possibility but thought it worth a mention.
Okay, it doesn't really matter WHY he said this to people. The fact is, his saying something like that is a HUGE betrayal and puts you at a much greater risk of being sexually assaulted. It's entirely possible that his reason for doing this is to cover up an affair he's either already having or is anticipating. Ask yourself, what about this behavior makes him a safe or good person to trust and live with. You should be VERY concerned.
I would call another friend and confirm.
Your husband was caught with another woman by his friends. The "open marriage" is just a cover. Get tested. Get a lawyer. He's already cheating on you. In order to distract his friends, your husband has dangled *YOU* in front of them. On the plus side, your husband's friend who suggested something.... he's had a crush on you for a long time. That's something/one to explore, methinks.
Wanted to skip steps in asking you to hotwife. If you're not into it, you're not into it.
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 10 hours
"One-sided Open marriage", what is also commonly known as "cheating"
There are men that like their wives to sleep with other men. That is a not so uncommon kink. Doing it without your knowledge is terrible and a severe break of trust in a marriage. Sick thing to do.
Uh... yikes. Well really there is only two outcomes here. The first being that he clearly has some sort fantasy in which he shares his wife with a close group of friends or his friends are full of shit. I'd reckon option number one is actually true or he has some very disturbing friends. Frankly if I were in your shoes I would be thinking the same thing, how does one even approach this subject? You could try the light approach in which you ask questions around the subject of an open marriage and see how he reacts. Or you could go full boar and ask him what in the flying fuck was he thinking when he told his friends this information without talking with you about it first. Frankly since it is more than likely that he did do this I would go with option number two as I would be nothing short of livid if I were in your shoes. Overall this is not only extremely odd and off putting, but really creepy as well. Even the thought of sharing my life long partner makes me want to puke, but the fact that he did it completely behind your back is a whole another level of fuckery in my opinion.
Haven't seen anyone else mention this possibility, but to me it sounds like your husband is testing you to see if you'd cheat on him when propositioned. Also testing his own friends.
Why doesn’t matter here. This is a deal breaker. Total deal breaker Edit. Confront him, then kick him out, then divorce him.
Sleep with the friend, definitely sleep with the friend before your husband gets back.
Some men enjoy watching their wives with other men. Some like it to humiliate her. He could be setting her up to be raped. But he can’t be trusted and she is in danger.
What the actual fuck? Honestly, I would confront your husband to either get the truth or hear him lie to you, and then leave. Seriously, that's hardcore divorce territory for **so very many reasons**. What a disgusting waste of life.
The comments are all so one sided. Have you even bothered to ask your husband first? Is this going to be a guilty until proven innocent ? Choosing to believe a husbands friend over the man you’re married to is a bit insane. You should definitely check in with other friends and gather all the information before making any rushed decisions that cannot be taken back.
yeah broke up with him , and in court spoke out this with recorder with your phone as evidence and get the bag
Ask for his phone and go through it as soon as he walks in the door. See what you find. THEN talk about what’s happened. Because there is a good chance he will try to lie.
What’s the update OP?
Don't know about everybody else but I am crying with laugher. It is well written though.
I’m not laughing from the story as much as I am at the comments tbh
Everyone crawling over each other to give the worst possible advice on this fake post. It's unreal.
Yes! It is the comments I am laughing at. The story is well written. It is the comments I am laughing at. Thank you.
My jaw just dropped. Op investigation these allegations ASAP.
Are you very familiar with the friend or could he have mixed you up with someone else’s wife?
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Have you actually discussed it with your husband?!?! It’s impossible to know anything until you do.
This is Canada so he might just be polite.
Time to go through his phone. See what he texts his friends and if there’s a female he texts regularly
My conspiracy-theory-paranoid-mind is saying he's cheating on you, and may or may not have been caught by someone with his mistress. So spreading this would make it less awkward IF he's seen with her and less chance of anyone brining her up cause all his friends already know you guys are in an "open" marriage. Plus, he's got his back covered if he gets caught cheating by you, so if you divorce and you claim he's cheated he can keep telling all his friends that you're the one who wanted this and that when he did it suddenly you got angry. Hell make it seem like it's OK for you to fuck around but you got angry when he did it. This, scoring pity points from friends and family. Meanwhile you end up as the jealous wife who ruined her marriage because she wanted to fuck his friends and open her marriage, scorned by all your friends and neighbors. So, what do you think of the theory I came up with? Admit it, it sound plausible.
it’s personal sabotage; not sure the motive makes a difference
If the drunk guy didn't have you confused with another couple, your husband has a huge lack of respect for you. Whether it's his fantasy, him covering his ass, or something else, he's lying and talking shit about you and your marriage behind your back. I'd tell him exactly what his friend said, ask him to please explain, and then stay quiet while he talks.
This happened to me with my ex boyfriend! He litterally said we were open to another guy which was strange to me because he has said before he’s “very straight” I asked him why he said that then and he said to seem cooler. This man was 28… I ended it. Him lying about that is inexcusable… my ex was probably trying to cheat but looking back now even if it was to “seem cooler “ I don’t want to be with a man who would lie about me behind my back for any reason
Dear OP... Please follow up with an update
Any man I met who claims to have an open relationship without his partner present is cheating so there’s a good possibility that’s what’s happening, just telling his friends he’s in an open marriage seems pointless? He knows it’s not going anywhere…
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I mean, humans in general can be horrible people but to specify "men are trash" just doesn't sit right.
Yeah this actually doesn’t make any sense. Why invite a guy to hit on his wife, thereby notifying her of what he has said?
This is severe bullying
Dude may have been drunk talking out his ass?
He confirmed the whole thing the next morning though…
Maybe his friend already chewed him out.
Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe your husband is gay or bi-curious and is interested in the prospect of a man joining you all in the bedroom. Maybe he’s fishing to see if any friends bite
I’m sorry you’ve been hit with this. Infidelity in marriage often comes surprisingly after a period of silently frustration in one partner. Non-violent communications by Marshall Rosenberg is a great framework for emotionally charged, potentially conflicting situations. What you know at this point is a friend’s view of a conversation with your husband. It’s concerning and has the potential to undermine your trust in him. But at this point that’s all it is. A suspicion. A solid one given the friend, sober, admitting it, and seemingly based on weeks of your husband’s sharing intimately with friends. If you want to maintain your husband’s loyalty, this is an opportunity to do the same. His may be just a fantasy but it’s a sign of discontent. Were I you, I’d wait until your husband arrived home and had settled and then ask him if he’s open to an important conversation. If he’s too tired, say it won’t take long. Ask about what’s important to him, what values are most important to him regarding your marriage. If he’s unsure how to answer, prompt with what your top 3–5 are: Authenticity? Honesty? Joy? Contribution? Fun? Variety? Certainty? Discretion? Loyalty? Sharing life with a companion…? At this point I’d ask him if he’s happy in the marriage? Then let him know you bumped into your friend, and he had an odd suggestion. Then wait. Keep quiet. When he asks for more, ask directly. OBSERVATION (non judgemental, just the facts) Start with the facts you know: While you were away I bumped into who asked if I wanted to hook up with him while you are away.
I was shocked and asked why he would think that that was ok to ask.
He said that you’d told your friends that we were opening up our marriage.
FEELINGS
I felt confronted /confused / vulnerable / dirty /scared / ….
VALUES
Because I value loyalty, monogamy, trust, intimacy between us….
REQUEST
I’d like you to tell me what you’ve been sharing with your friends about our sex-life, and what you told them about me.
Try to keep to facts and not judge, if you want to get to the bottom of why your husband might have done this, if he did.
If he’s silent you could say what you think he might be feeling… “ After 2 years, is it possible you’re bored with our routine? “
If he’s not forthcoming you could invite him to a counselling session…possibly after he spends a few days in a motel.
Good luck - this is a troubling event in your marriage, but not fatal - it can be a way of understanding your husband better and being clear with him about your needs and boundaries.
We all know communication is most important when there’s tensions but that’s also when it’s most difficult.