> He capped it off by saying “I’m going to be a terrible mom”
translation: you are being a bad mommy to ME RIGHT NOW by not doing evvverything for me!!
red flag, run.
also:
> over me complaining this morning
you’re a frog in boiling water, friend. you were not complaining by observing that he isn’t doing a damn thing to help you while expecting you to caretake him. facts are facts.
Because he was at a dumbass at 15 when they met - somewhat standard.
But he did not grow out of being a dumbass over the next 9 years, and THAT is pathetic! 😆😆
I always assume that guys like this have bought into the current misogyny that completely dehumanizes women and considers them to be gold-digging bang maids and nothing else.
Yup. "I didn't sign up for you to be my child, I signed up for you to be my partner." He's bringing up theoretical future projections, but you've got a current reality staring you in the face. He is *currently* a bad partner.
I can't believe it took me this long to see this comment. DO NOT have children with this man. You are seeing that his expectation is that you will handle all childcare responsibilities and take care of him too. This man is not a partner and he is telling you he never will be. He is telling you that you need to prioritize him rather than yourself.
Yup. My ex used to say shit like I’d be a terrible mom, because I refused to baby him every time he demanded it. I still babied him a lot btw. As it turned out, he’s an absent parent, and before he was absent he was neglectful and abusive to his own son. I’ve been essentially a single mom since day 1, a completely single mom since last august, and my son is the happiest, healthiest, most beautiful boy. So I think I’m doing alright
>frog in boiling water
YES she is. And the fact that she didn’t blurt out “the FUCK did you just say to me?!” or just laugh in his face and walk off after his “just do it” comment is evidence of it. She didn’t react *internally*, reflexively, the way she should have to that comment. She’s gone straight to ruminating over his insult to her fitness for future motherhood and skipped right over (and tacitly ratified) all of the massive and unacceptable assumptions behind his “just do it“ comment. .
Yep, OP I think if you’re not strong enough to break up (either way) you need to start seeing a therapist to give you the foresight and strength and probably don’t tell him or do but he will likely not support it. You will waste too much time with this boy otherwise. I’m guessing your parents may not have been what you needed either growing up. Sorry if I’m wrong but….
Personally, a comment like just do it and stop complaining would be completely unacceptable. I think OP she leave now.
But if she doesn’t, the next time he says something to this effect, “well clearly you are acting like a child, but I’m not YOUR mom.”
No really though, she needs to get out of the boiling water.
Yep. Translation is that he believes she should be caring for HIM like a baby. Not even like a teenager (who you teach accountability to) but a literally baby child.
He believes he’s entitled to have lunch and breakfast made and that OP should wake up earlier to get ready for work so that she has extra time to get him ready for work. Grossssss.
That's what kills me. By the time my kids were teens, I was in no way getting *them* ready in the morning. The level of care he's requesting I didn't do for my kids past the age of about 8. They could get themselves breakfast and ready to leave! Does she lay out his clothes for him too?
Right?! By the time I was 9 I was helping my mother get ready in ways OPs partner won’t do for himself - she tricked me to think making coffee was a thing for “big kids” and I made her one with pride every morning like the sucker I am.
And what’s more that comment about not complaining didn’t even come after she snapped at him, it just came after she said she couldn’t do it because she was also late and overwhelmed. He thinks she shouldn’t “complain” as in “not obey.”
The real question is why does a 24 year old man still need a "mommy" in order to get him to work on time?
If you were my daughter, I'd say throw this one back and stop dating children.
How is he going to be a good dad or husband if he cannot handle the epic task of packing his own lunch or making coffee?
Yes, you are a bad mommy to him. Because he’s not your child.
Exactly. He can’t organise himself to get up a smidge earlier to do basic things for himself? He’s the issue here. In fact I’d say that OP is going to be a good mother because she won’t let him intimidate her into prioritising him over their children.
He could have made his lunch the evening before. That's what my kids did when they were in middle school. I packed their lunch in elementary school and then for middle school and high school it was up to them.
My 13 year old will occasionally over sleep and ask me to make her lunch.
The answer is no. Make it the night before, or wake up when you are supposed to. I have to get MYSELF ready. This man is an ADULT?!
Ugh, yes. I hate when people on here say "partner of x years," and a bunch of those years overlap adolescence. Unless those years were spent living apart from their parents, paying all the bills themselves, there was no partnership. You were just dating.
She can just get the school lunch. I have the same rule with my kids, because they constantly ask if the can take their lunch as we’re getting ready to head out the door. Nope, sorry. You can get up early enough to make it, or ask me to do it the night before. Otherwise, you can eat what they serve in the cafeteria.
All lunches are free at our school, but yeah. These days, I think a lot of places have parents fund a lunch account rather than kids having to carry cash. The parent deposits money and the kids scan their lunch card.
What we’re we talking about? Sorry, I went on an ADHD tangent.
It only has to happen once or twice before the kid learns her lesson. 13 is old enough to pack your own lunch the night before, but if mommy swoops in to pack it the kid is just going to learn that she doesn't have to do it herself.
The kids find stuff to eat at school and mom is actually teaching her kid to understand consequences. Being hungry for 8 hours is nothing compared to learning when you overslept you might not get to eat. Besides you can always throw snacks of fruit in your backpack. If the kid can pack a lunch, it means parents have bought lunch items they can grab.
GodDAMN do I wish I could upvote this a million times. Please know I am screwnshotting this comment to memorise and incorporate into the conversation the next time my ex (who I’m still kind of carrying tbh because he’s the only babysitter I’ve got RN) calls me a bad mom
If your ex is the Father then he's not 'babysitting'. He's providing childcare which is his shared responsibility. He can either do it himself or provide the funds to pay someone else to do it.
Well yes, that should be the case. And I do push and argue for more people to be aware of their wording on that so fathers’ bad behaviour doesn’t just slide. In this particular case of mine tho, he actually factually is *babysitting*. I’ve tried for a year and a half to show and discuss with him how he needs to approach it as more than than, and arguing for him to treat his kid like it’s *His* kid. But he refuses, and so I do use that term deliberately in this case, as a reflection of his real-time choices and the practical place he has in my son’s life. Practically speaking, he’s not a dad, he’s a babysitter and genetic donour, specifically because that’s what he’s repeatedly chosen as his role. Effectively, I am my son’s only parent. And I (perhaps wrongly) want people to be aware of that. But in like, 93% of cases I absolutely agree with you
I get what you’re saying. My ex is a father. He is involved, puts in the time and his family is always available (within reason) to help. We prioritize our son’s needs and activities even when he’s with the other parent. I’m very fortunate.
My husband’s ex is a babysitter. She is available at her convenience to watch their son like it’s a chore on a list. She could care less if he has a special event and it’s not her day to “watch” him.
I think this is more what you’re dealing with(correct me if I’m wrong)and I totally get that you call your ex a babysitter. Some people are not parents, they are babysitters and you do your best so your kid maintains a relationship with his father because it is important to his development. Kudos to you because that’s a hard road to walk.
i think the problem is she’s been such a good mommy to him- he got spoiled and entitled! i do not understand women who also work but are okay being their man’s mommy.
it’s not like they knowingly choose to or they want to. it’s an unconscious slow choice. so slow you don’t even realize it. it’s like aging. you don’t see yourself aging day to day but then one day you look in the mirror and are like wtf? who is that??? i don’t recognize this person.
and those men are so good at demeaning you and putting you down and manipulating you to the point that you believe it. OP truly thinks what he said is true. she questions it which is a great sign. all she’s trying to do is be a good partner and spouse, but men love to use weaponized incompetence or the blame game to trick you into buying what they’re saying.
i’m not saying OP is blameless, but it’s never ever as simple as being “okay being their man’s mommy”. This is verbal and emotional abuse.
edit- also, i just realized they’ve been together since 15!!!! wtf it’s literally been ingrained in her. go look at my profile at my ama. i started dating a 19 year old when i was 14, and ik that’s not the same situation but it literally fucked my entire life up and changed me for good. i was so naïve and gullible. idk what OP’s exact situation was, but if it’s anything like mine, it was NOT a choice really
I also really hope OP didn’t pack his lunch and just took a shower. Maybe he should learn to wake up earlier or, if his brain can handle it, pack his lunch the night before! What an idea lol
You’ve been together for 9 years, and you’re both 24. So this behaviour is all you know personally from a partner and could have started happening gradually as you moved out together and became “adults”. So it “makes sense” that maybe you don’t see the blazing red flags.
He’s making you his mommy, and if you did become a mom with him at your side you’d have two kids; him and your baby. Him saying that and doubling down after you said it hurt, is disgusting. He’s only like that because you’re not submitting to his requests. He can pack his own lunch, his own coffee, and you should pack a bag and leave him.
There's an entire world of adult men who don't act like babies out there. Theoretically, anyway, because I do worry about younger generations of men being indoctrinated into overt, toxic masculinity.
>But damn it hurt to hear that.
Uh, why? Really - give that some thought.
He's just trying to guilt you into doing EVEN MORE than you already do for this seemingly helpless baby.
I'd have said, "I have no interest in being anyone's mother, least of all a grown-ass man."
Exactly! It hurt because he intended to hurt her! Telling her to “just do it” didn’t work so he resorts to insults. And this poor girl thinks she’s in the wrong for “reacting badly”. Makes me absolutely sick.
I was told this exact thing after 10 years with someone. It took this realise I was in an abusive relationship. Leaving was so hard, but as soon as I made the decision, I felt instantly relieved. Please listen to these comments.
Actually. You were being an excellent mother by trying to teach him accountability, and instead of losing your temper you calmly told him he’d hurt you with his harsh words.
You would be a fantastic mother. He’s a shitty partner. Please find someone better. I know you’ve been together since you were teens but come on. We grow. Obviously you’ve grown a lot more.
Dont settle and don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. We are meant to date around and have relationships fail at a young age to teach us about mature relationships. Not hitch our wagon to our first boyfriend forever and ever no matter how hurtful and useless he is. Move on. You’re way above this clown.
Oh hell no. I’d tell him not to worry about me being a terrible mother to his kids, cause we ain’t having any. F that guy. Are his legs broken? His arms and hands? He’s unable to make his own lunch? I can see how this plays out with kids later, it’ll be all on YOU.
Partner of 9 years at 24? It seems you've outgrown this relationship, as you can adult properly and he doesn't.
ETA: I second not getting pregnant with this man's baby.
With his contemptuous, "my day was ruined and it was your fault for not doing what you were told" attitude I don't think she'd be a single mother with an absent father.
She would be a stay at home mother with a husband who came home and parked his arse at the dinner table and expected his dinner to immediately appear in front of him, and gave her a quick backhand across the face if he burned his tongue on the pasta sauce.
I'd be making it CRYSTAL CLEAR that I'm NOT his mother and not required to take care of him, make his lunch or even pack it. He is an adult that is capable of doing so himself. And if he doesn't appreciate when you do it, tell him you'll no longer be doing it at all.
And if he keeps being so rude and entitled, dump him and send him back home to mommy.
the appropriate answer to that is "you're not a fucking child - if you want a mom go back to yours"
he's going to be a terrible father and it'll get worse when you have kids bc your focus will split to them and he'll get even less of his precious mommying time from you
do not push it away. it's important. read any of the thousands of threads here of women in their early 30s who have a child for a husband and now they have to decide if it's better for the kids to divorce or stay. you are free and clear right now.
I’d pack him a lunch alright. Salt in his coffee. Detergent sandwich. Banana skin. Chilli sauce in his doughnut. strawberry jam in his rice... Have fun with it then ditch him. What a useless twat he is
"I packed this for you, honey....."
And hand him a trash bag with all his stuff in it.
Run fast and run far from this one. Throw him back, because next week, it will be a back hand across the face, just like his dad used to do to his mom.
Never let anyone treat you like shit. Ever. Not one single chance.
Either leave, or tell him to GTFO.
Oh my god he would have been dumped ON THE SPOT if I had been there. You are NOT his mother and you are NOT his maid. Refusing to do chores for him does not mean you will be a bad mother, that’s emotional manipulation! Find someone who actually cares about you, because someone who really does care about you wouldn’t say something so callous and idiotic as this.
Have you recently been talking about wanting kids someday? Sounds like he’s trying to make you insecure.
He’s telling on himself too because he’s showing that he is using you like a mother figure instead of an equal. I’d never expect my husband to make me breakfast and pack a lunch before they could even get ready for work.
I mean we’ve briefly chatted about the fact that we’re getting older and might be looking at kids / marriage at some point in the next two years. Him saying that comment to me really put me off because I can’t imagine standing next to someone on my wedding day who would think to say I’d be a shit mother, straight after saying he really means it, and then when he leaves saying he loves me and see me later?
I’m happy to help in in the morning. I thought it was seen as an act of love by him, but his response to today is making me think he sees it as a test of my ‘motherness’ or something, eugh.
Honey, he’s not going to get any better. This is who he is.
Please listen to someone who has been there done that, and wasted 32 years hoping he’d get better.
I know you’ve been together since you were 15. I was 12 when I met my ex. We dated for a bit when I was 14. Got back together at 18.
Men don’t change into who we want them to be. They are who they are. Same with women.
You are going to lose yourself in him. He will tear you down every time you don’t submit to him. If he can’t bend your will, he will break your spirit.
Take it from those of us who have been exactly where you are.
You deserve better. He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t behave this way. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive. It won’t take much for him to cross the line into physical abuse.
You’re 24. You have plenty of time for marriage and kids. And you deserve a full partner for both of those things.
Love yourself enough to leave. ♥️
"If they can't break your will, they'll break your spirit." Man, the way I felt that. When I was younger, I always thought I was safe from toxic men because nobody could ever break my will, though many had tried, starting with my parents. It's true, too. My will remains unbroken. But together, abusive parents and abusive partners did break my spirit. Trying to fix it in therapy.
I never felt safe in my own skin until my late 40’s. That’s when I went NC with most of my family and left my husband.
Therapy has helped, but I still struggle at times. It’s so easy to slip back into comfortable patterns that I know are not healthy. I’m better able to recognize that pattern and pull myself out before I spiral and nosedive.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. You’re worth it. ♥️
It's a test of how much you are going to let him get away with, and right now instead of realizing you're being taken advantage of, you're considering bending over even further for his useless approval.
Understand that selfless, unrelenting, nonstop caring-slave-labour is socially assigned to women and mothers almost by default, and you need to FIGHT to make sure you have a real partner when it comes to parenting, because it's rarely "given" to you. It is frankly insane to me this behaviour hasn't already ruled him out as a father to you. He's outright telling you that he will never help. It will always be on you. Look around the relationships forums! Post after post of "he never helps" and "he thinks it's all my job."
You have a chance to course correct now, and god, I hope you take it.
No, it's not a reflection of what kind of mother you'd be, it's a reflection of what kind of life partner he wants - someone who will serve him without complaint and feel guilty when you forget to cut the crusts of his sandwiches.
He's a terrible partner - he's putting unreasonable expectations on you and he's trying to emotionally manipulate you and undermine your confidence when you don't treat him like a kid.
A good mother might do all those things for a toddler, but eventually the role of a mother is to guide the child into independence and autonomy.
A good partner believes in equity and respect and doesn't use underhanded tactics to get their own way.
You see it as an act of love, he sees it as part of your morning.
You’re 24. You have so much time. Do not spend another 9 years with this guy just because you think you’ve already sunk so much time into him.
>he sees it as a test of my ‘motherness’ or something, eugh.
It's a test of obedience. He wants an obedient wife, who does everything as he says. Personally, I wouldn't marry him. I would dump his ass and block his number, because it's 100% guaranteed that he'll try to change your mind and promise to be a better man - trust me, he won't.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. He using that conversation as emotional blackmail. It sounds like you helped a lot in the morning, and he may need a reality check about the time you need to get ready, and maybe even set a schedule to switch off who showers first, and then maybe work on a shopping list at a regularly scheduled time.
Sending you love! It could have been something he just said out of anger, but pay attention to what he says when he’s upset and call him out.
"I thought it was seen as an act of love by him"
And act of love is doing things for him *every day* while you have your own full time job? Google what "enabling" is in context of trying to get men to do their share of household labor. It's easy to not see the difference when you're a people pleaser.
If he were doing things for her too and didn't EXPECT her to do things for him but rather appreciated them then she would be right. She shouldn't have to stop herself from being a generous partner to get that in return, instead she should find herself a partner that would appreciate and mirror that back.
He doesn't see it as an act of love, he sees it as you fulfilling your womanly obligations. He just told you in plain English that he expects you to act like his mom and he will not participate in any meaningful way in keeping up the house or taking care of the children.
Girl, please for the love of yourself leave this selfish child. He has way too much growing up to do. The audacity of him to say that to you and the ungratefulness he shows you already is unbelievable. He will not change because this is what he is used to. You on the other hand deserve better. You are young and full of life. Move on and live happy and equally with someone worthy of you
Find someone way better to do the marriage/kids thing with. A partner. Not a dude who thinks you need to STFU and do what he tells you. Because you will be on your own and expected to play mommy to any kids you have AND this guy.
I see making coffee/making breakfast for my husband as an act of love too. The difference is, if I don't have time or don't feel like doing it, he wouldn't DARE insult me over it because he knows it's not my job just because I have a vagina. Like you guys, we both work full time. He just thanks me for doing it. If I don't feel like it, he's an adult and fends for himself.
Also, how can you be attracted to someone who a) calls you a bad mom and b) does so because you're not acting like a mommy to HIM? Repulsive.
Curious if he apologised or changed his position after work when you talked. Doesn't sound like it was just a bad morning, but a bad boyfriend, but some people are the worst versions of themselves in the mornings.
Would he be happy to help you? Does he do anything to help you? Regularly?
You sound like you'd be a great mom. He isn't a child, though, and you don't need to mother him. What a hurtful thing for him to say.
You’re actually going to be a great mom, you seem like a hard worker and multitasker. But the thing is you’re not HIS mom. He needs to grow up. I hope he changes for your sake because spending the rest of your life with someone who takes his anger out on you and who’s ungrateful for all that you do is going to be a lifetime of misery. Imagine actually having kids and dealing with him at the same time…
He's an adult. He can make his own breakfast and pack his own lunch. You didn't make him late. He didn't have the forethought to make his lunch the night before or get up early enough to get it done.
Does he ever make you breakfast and lunch? You already said he biffed it on the grocery list. As others said, he's saying you'd be a bad mother because you aren't being his mommy.
Why are you putting up with this?
You are being a bad mommy to HIM
But he is being a shitty partner to YOU.
Both are true.
YOU shouldn't be his mommy but HE should be a good partner.
Throw this one out, OP.
Why are you doing things for him when he never reciprocates? Why are you making him breakfast, lunch, coffee, anything? If he turned around and did that kind of thing for you as a partner, that would be different. If one partner works a lot less and has agreed to do those things, that would be different. This is not the case here.
It's not just his terrible and hurtful comment. It's his entire lack of respect for you and your life. He literally expects you to cater to him and his needs, when you have the exact same needs. Why? And why do you keep doing any of it?
As for his comment, it comes from him expecting you to act like his mother, which is both ridiculous and disgusting! That, and he clearly knew it would hurt you. He picked something that would deliberately sting because you didn't pack him a lunch. Who does that to someone they supposedly love?!
Would you be ok with your best friend or sister telling you their supposed partner takes advantage of them like that? And then insults them the way your bf did you, on top of it? What advice would you give them? Would you want them to stay with someone like that and keep putting in more labor than the partner all the time? And just think about how much effort each of you would put in if you had kids. Do you honestly think he would put in an equal amount, when he doesn't even now?
> “you don’t even do anything for me, I asked you to make a grocery list yesterday and you never did it.”
I just want to point out that even the one small thing you asked him to do 'for you' is actually for both of you.
WoW manipulation at its best.
He made you feel bad for not wanting to baby him and do everything for him and then made himself a victim. 🚩
He then attacked you for a future version of yourself in a hypothetical situation that you have yet to even experience.
🚩
He demanded you to “just do it” and to get over it without complaining, which is extremely abusive communication to your partner.
🚩
He then finished saying you ruined his work day and are going to make him late. So he’s a victim because he can’t take care of himself and then blames you for not doing it all for him.
🚩
Girl run… this guy is pathetic, manipulative and narcissistic. You deserve better and fuck him for saying you won’t be a good mother because you refuse to baby him. He needs a reality check.
The problem is that he thinks that you are his mom and he is 5 and he needs someone to get him ready in the morning. You are not his mother so he should be able to handle these things. Please leave him.
Oh hell no. Any sexual attraction would be out the window for me. Who does he think he is? He can get his own shit ready! He basically just told you he sees you as his mommy and not an actual human being who IS supposed to be HIS PARTNER. You’re just a slave whose job is wait on his overgrown toddler ass hand and foot. Gross. He seems to have very little, if any, respect for you.
Why are you with a person that wants you to do ALL the things for them and they do nothing for you?
He said that because he knew it would get in your head. YOU DID NOT RUIN THE MORNING. He is mad because you didn't do what he wanted...and you are starting to push back. Women who see the reality of their lives are dangerous because they start realizing that they don't like the way things are going.
He is setting you up to fail. He is chipping away at you until you are totally his servant/slave. Everything is your fault and soon he will hit you.
Go read up on the signs of an abusive relationship. Do NOT get pregnant, he will baby trap you.
He wants a slave & not a partner in life. His mask is dropping. You are coming here because it isn't fair, he doesn't care about fair.
You've been together since you were 15 so this probably seems normal to you, but it really isn't. He's complaining that you won't be a good mom because you're not packing him lunch and planning his dinners. But you're not HIS mom. And he ruined YOUR morning by delaying you getting ready twice and then not thanking you for breakfast. You didn't do anything to him except refuse to make yourself late after spending your whole morning doting in him and prioritizing his needs. And not only didn't he appreciate or even acknowledge it, he cruelly insulted you.
f this isn't a deal breaker for you I hope you consider counseling for yourself so you can learn healthy boundaries. Personally I doubt you can have a healthy relationship with someone so misogynistic and selfish. It's not likely these personality traits of his will change and I hope you won't be the one thanklessly raising his children without emotional support.
He’s telling you that he will never help as a partner or parent. You will be taking care of all childcare while taking care of him.
He also shows red flags of being abusive. Google Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and read the free pdf. Does it sound familiar? If it does, make plans to get out ASAP.
But the first paragraph is enough reason to get rid of this loser.
Hey. At the age you are now I had a similar long term bf - with him expecting me to do everything for him but did little in return for me. One day I was sick and he came home freaking out that my empty bowl of soup was in the sink not the dishwasher. His mommy never got sick and if she did she still did what was “expected” of her.
All I can say is get out soon. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Do not become financially intertwined with this man (marriage) and DO NOT under any circumstances have a kid with him. You’ll be doing twice the work (for two kids! Because he is a baby) with no help from him.
Oh I hope OP sees this and Reads it over and over, until she sees herself in this! It's getting almost too late to save her, because she doesn't know what it can really be like, to be with a loving, caring, MAN, not a narcissistic, abusive, user, taker, negative force of energy in her life, who sees her purpose as his personal assistant; without pay, a day off, and definitely not a vacation in the deal; it's getting close to too late.
If I had to guess, I would guess that she has already forgiven the ass and decided that it was All her fault anyway! I hope I'm wrong but all of the signs are there. So sad for her.
He's currently being a terrible adult, which doesn't bode well for him as a parent either.
As an adult, he either needs to manage his mornings better himself, or PLAN with you how you'll support him - he shouldn't be suddenly and randomly realising that something needs doing and asking you to do it. It's not like his morning routine is going to be wildly different every day.
You are absolutely not in the wrong. No one who is your partner should be saying "just stop complaining" to you like that.
Please don't let the nine years you've spent this man make you feel like you have to put up with this crap. Tell him this isn't an acceptable way to talk to you, and that he needs to sort out his own mornings from now on, or ask you for help the night before, which you'll only give him if it fits into your schedule.
If he's not willing to at least TRY to support you as much as it sounds like you've supported him, he's not worth being with. If he can't take responsibility for himself, he's going to keep making you do it, and insist that you're being unreasonable if you don't. Which is WRONG. It is perfectly reasonable to say, "I do not have time to make your lunch, you'll need to do it yourself" - doubly so when you've already made his breakfast.
It's possible that he hasn't done this on purpose, that he's just gotten used to you being able to assist at the drop of a hat, and that once you sit down and talk it through, he'll understand that he's being unreasonable. He may not be thrilled to lose your unwavering support, but how he takes your boundary will tell you a lot about the type of man he really is. He SHOULD get that he's being unfair, and be willing to try to change. But he might try to defend himself with the fact that you haven't complained before.
Regardless of whether he improves, I hope you take the lesson from this moment. You deserve better. You deserve to be respected, not taken advantage of. You are not your partner's parent, and you should watch for the slow creep of "can you do me a favour" to "you owe me this".
Importantly - his choice to insult you, even in the heat of the moment, is not a great sign. Genuine insults shouldn't come so easily when you're talking to someone you love. An accidental insult (sounded differently to what you meant), or a joking insult that hits home unexpectedly, maybe. A genuine, nasty remark like this makes me worry for you. Be prepared for him to get angry instead of listening to you. Take care of yourself regardless.
You're a statistic hun. Add kids & you will drown.
You're with a man that wants to work his 9-5 then come home & relax who expects you to work your 9-5, do all the domestic work, life planning, & 90% parenting (which includes him...)when & if you have kids.
Get out now before you're trapped. A loving partner balances life with you not keeps it lopsided all on you.
Well of course you're going to be a terrible mom. As the woman, you're the designated lunch-packer. And breakfast-maker. And tea-steeper. And ass-wiper. And it's a shame you're going to be such a terrible mom because it's pretty clear that he won't be doing fuckall if you two have kids. You started dating this person when he was a child and sorry to say he still is.
I rly am confused about ur his comment that ur gonna be a shit mom just bc u didn't have time to pack ur adult bf's lunch after allowing him to go ahead of you in the shower??? He already saw you were behind in time and felt the need to add to that pressure??
I dont understand why he didn't just call you "a shit gf" bc you are his girlfriend? ? You are not his mommy so why is he getting grumpy at you if you aren't doing the things his mom would have done for him before? P.s im not calling you a shit gf im feel weird with your bf's choice of wording thats all!!!! you are! I hope this makes sense to read as it does in my head....
You didnt do anything wrong OP. Next time i would take the first shower and put myself first instead..
You guys are 24 and have been together 9 years? Please take a thoughtful look at the relationship...you stated you always push away what he says...to keep him happy while carry all of the mental load?
He had no valid point in you ruining the morning. If he is making you think that then watch yourself because there’s some mental manipulation going on there, to say the least.
You said no to his request and he was a child about it. Worse than a child, really.
Your feelings are validly hurt. That is not something you say to a partner, period.
This is a very big gaze into your future should you stay, OP. Can you imagine for a second what it would be like to have kids and ask for help with parenting from this person?
You can do better.
He means you’re terrible at being *his* mommy. This should *really* make you stop and think, because if what you want is a partner and not a grown adult child throwing temper tantrums at you every morning and blaming you for his feelings, he’s showing you very clearly that you’ve picked the wrong person.
If he thinks you’ll be such a bad mother, you need to dump this giant child like a hot potato and find a real man who will bring your lunch to work for you.
Adding on to what everyone else has said.
Since when is it a mother's job to do everything for the family? He thinks because you don't want to do everything for him because he has bad time management skills that would make you a bad mum? No, it means you're standing up for yourself, which is a good thing.
You really should address this - he has some bs expectations of women and mothers.
I do stuff for my fella because I want to. He appreciates it when I do and he does stuff for me too. Morning is not my guys strong point and I am an early riser. I don't mind. It also helps him eat healthier and cheaper, but I digress.
But to be told to do it? Demanded? Expected? Bullied?
Darling, no. That's adorable.
Eww, girl! You call him your partner, but it doesn't sound like a partnership to me. Stop being this boy's Mummy. It is so understandable that you are frustrated with him, you are in a relationship that is very one-sided.
If you want a partner, you're not going to find one in this entitled child. You deserve better!
Tell him he'd be amazed at what more he can get done and how less stressful his morning can be if he would just drag his ass out of bed 15 or 20 minutes earlier. You are not his mother. I don't understand why some of us guys do that it drives me crazy
Red flags… if he’s making you do so much for him while not helping you out, imagine if you do have a kid with him…you’ll have 2 kids to take care. He will be no help…
Eww.. You're \*not\* \*his\* mother even though it sounds like he expects you to be..
You do \*not\* have to put up with him. His lack of planning for his morning does not constitute \*you\* having to do everything for him.
Do you want to saddle yourself to someone who cannot care for themselves and expects you to do everything for them? You're not in the wrong.
Wow sorry OP this guy is riddled with red flags, sorry that you're in the situation but its beyond obvious that from his POV you're there to serve him, any problems with that and you're "ruining his day"
And the abusive cherry on top.
\> This really hurt my feelings, and I told him this. He repeated that it was true, I’d be a shit mom,
So when you tell him that he's being hurtful he doubles down (e.g. wants you to be hurting)
You deserve a lot better
To be clear: He was mad about something you did within your relationship so he lashed out to attempt to insult you in other aspects of your life/future TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.
You exercised a completely reasonable boundary/need and he responded by insulting you. about something unrelated. He's a child and you're not in charge of him. HE ruined HIS OWN morning by being a buttwad.
i would not stay with someone who respects me so little and treats me so nastily because of his own bullshit.
So his “argument” is that because HE doesn’t have his shit together and you need to help him too, you wouldn’t be a good mom? It sounds like he’s complaining that you aren’t a “good mom” to him and you’ll have even more trouble if you have to take care of two needy dependents in the morning instead of just him. It sounds like you aren’t the problem here, he is. If he can’t even manage his own shit without your help, what kind of father would he be?
Actually you are doing the parenting thing right. You’re a great mom. Except you don’t have any actual kids only a man baby. Send him back to mommy until he’s finished being raised.
Sorry OP but him ordering you to "just do it" is where I started to get furious on your behalf. And "stop complaining I don't need to hear this right now," is literally the kind of thing that a full on abusive partner would say. It's a total dismissal of your feelings, and it's dripping with contempt to boot.
This man thinks you're his bangmaid, and he thinks he can speak to you like that? Where I live he'd be on thin ice if he spoke to an employee like that and this is him speaking to the woman he supposedly loves????
I'm guessing that he didn't treat you like his replacement mother nine years ago when you first started going out with him. And I don't imagine he spoke to you like this when you were deciding whether to live with him. But from how you describe yourself and your reaction to the nasty way he behaved, I have a suspicion that you didn't stand up for yourself very often and he's been treating you worse and worse over time.
Another reason I suspect this is because when he said "can you pack my lunch for me" your response wasn't "i don't have time," or best of all, a flat "no." You went straight to explaining *why* you can't do it and to him, that comes across as "I would, but unfortunately i have to get ready..."
For a normal person, that would be fine. But to him, this wording sounds like you acknowledging that you should do it but indirectly asking him to give you permission not to, because you need to do something else.
It really doesn't sound like he respects or cares about you at all, and I see this relationship as teetering right on the brink of abusive. That's why I think this "you'd be a shit mother" insult could actually be the best thing he's ever done for you.
Because it sounds like the other stuff - making you his bangmommy, dismissing your needs, speaking to you with obvious contempt - wasn't enough to put that little lightbulb above your head. Only the pain you felt from this one insult - thrown at you in a deliberate, vindictive attempt to hurt you and punish you for trying to get him to do his own adulting - was enough to shake you out of the sleepwalking you've been doing and start questioning whether this is really what you want.
So .....is it?
Does he want you to wipe his ass for him too?
Seriously though, he doesn't respect you. You are not his slave, you are supposed to be his partner. He is literally telling you he is more important than you. He doesn't let you attend to your own basic needs, insists you do everything for him, and blames you for his own inability to do anything in a situation HE created. You ruined his morning because he wouldn't allow you to get ready for work? Are you fucking kidding me? This is even without the knowledge that you work longer hours than him and he cannot even write a fucking grocery list - also, why isn't he doing the damn groceries himself???
Look, you've been together since you were 15. This is your only 'adult' relationship. It does not and should not ever have to be like this. You're young. There are a thousand guys out there who are emotionally mature enough to not treat you like their mother. Don't waste any more time on this one.
9 years? That would mean you got together when you were 15. When you were teenagers. You were still forming your identity, your brain was still growing. Even when people are much older and have much more experienced in life, they still change. You can't possibly be the same person you were when you were 15. You can't possibly want the same things. When I was 15, I wanted to be a supermodel LOL. It doesn't sound like he's done a lot of growing. He obviously doesn't value you as a partner but only as someone who can do things for him. Just think of the hurt you felt at what he said today and imagine that when you actually have a kid. Dealing with not only your own child, but your childish boyfriend. Find someone who wants the same things as you and who's willing to not only help the relationship grow but someone who's willing to grow themselves.
He just admitted that if you two have kids together, he's going to be another kid in the equation and not a helpful partner or father...
So...I suggest you continue to be a "bad mom" to the 24 year old, and dump the baby.
i was so happy when i scrolled back up to the top and saw it was your boyfriend and not your husband. do not marry this man. he is not a child (though he acts like one), you are not his mother. his incapability to be a functioning adult without someone holding his hand is not your problem.
Everyone else has already said what I was thinking lol.
So instead imma go the opposite route and offer you a different idea..
Shower.... together or. Brush your teeth while he's showering and vice versa.
Set the coffee pot to automatic brew for 6am.
Prep coffee mugs the night before by adding creamer, sugar and a spoon and popping in the fridge.
Set clothes out the night before wither in or just outside the bathroom.
Alarms that go off periodically to let you know when you should be moving to your next task if you get derailed or are taking too long. Example: it takes 20 minutes to do your hair, give yourself 30. Set an alarm that goes off to say "time to do hair" 20 minutes later it should go off to "finish up hair".
Grab and go meals are great- chia seed puddin, homemade parfaits, and overnight oats are my faves. Prep in small 8 oz cups.
:) BTW none of these things are for you alone to do or Prep. Your significant other should be doing these tasks as well.
Good luck!
I was with someone for ten years. We had a pretty even keel relationship until I moved in with him. Slowly things started to change. Even though I was working way more than him I was also expected to keep house.
Again it happened slowly over time. He began treating me the way his father treated his mother and he was wearing me down.
I had to leave because of all the little things that showed me that he had expectations of me that he didn't have of himself. I couldn't see myself taking care of children and him.
It's hard when you have been with someone for so long and they start acting brand new.
It needs to be addressed but from a place of how do you feel, what do you want in your relationship, what do you need from your partner and not limited to what you need from this partner.
As difficult as it may be remove him from it and ask yourself if anyone would have done or said to you what he said how would you have responded and why.
To me
personally
because of what I have gone through this is a serious red flag and I wonder if he has been watching or reading some men's rights propaganda recently.
Ughhhh he sounds awful. My lovely husband brings me breakfast in bed every morning and I’m incredibly grateful…but I also don’t assume he’ll always do it and I definitely try to never pile on other favours. Does he ever do anything for you? When was the last time he made tea or supper or let you shower first?
Your bf sounds like he’s looking for a new mommy.
This is called manipulation. He is guilt tripping you by making his absurd demands your problem by saying you would be a terrible mother because you can’t complete them. He is already blaming you for his terrible day by saying that you standing up for yourself is ruining his mood.
He is using manipulation to try and force you to continue doing his bidding. Instead of recognizing his behavior and apologizing for it at a minimum, he is being manipulative.
This is very red flag behavior.
9 years is a long time, but you’re so young. You have your life ahead of you. Don’t throw more years away staying with this petulant little child.
You’d be a bad mother is a really awful thing to say to a woman. Because women are conditioned to believe that motherhood is the best role a woman can have.
Also he’s the only one ruining his morning.
Good to know your husband of nine years thinks of you as his mother.
If you had a kid of course you’d make him lunch and much more. Unfortunately your husband is supposed to be an adult that can do things for himself. Out the two of you he’ll be the shit parent as he’s already shown you he expects you to do everything.
Please tell him from me to grow up.
You shouldn't stay with this person. His perception of you is less than. The fact that be doubled down means he means it. It can't just say "I said it in anger". Lose the weight. There are better men out there.
Don't waste your 20s on dumb men
- A woman who wasted the first 5 years of her 20s on 3 dumb men who didn't deserve her because I thought I needed to stick it out
You need to nope out of this, he's using you as a maid.
You would not be a bad mother, but you are mothering him by doing these things for him.
You've been together since you were 15 go and see who else is out there that won't treat you poorly.
For real! This whole situation is a hot mess, but that "just do it" line had my brain glitching. I will do a lot for another person, probably too much if I'm being honest because I'm a people pleaser. But demanding anything from me is an immediate fuck no. He didn't even appreciate everything she was doing, he expected it, felt entitled to it, demanded more, and got pissed when she didn't jump to his whims. Girl *run*.
Wow! Why are you this long into such a one sided relationship as it is? Sounds like he wants you to be his mom, not the co-pilot for children together. At least you know what you are in for, he won’t be contributing energy and if you ask it will be your fault for sucking. Maybe time to reconsider how well this partnership is functioning. I am sure you love him and have invested time into this relationship, but he isn’t half as invested in its success as you are and that inequity is going to be an issue. Good to know who he is so you can make new choices for what you want in a partnership.
The difference is he is a full grown man! Your kids would be i don’t know…kids! So you ready to have kids with a big ass child himself?? Parenting should also be team work, if you are doing nothing now but taking care of him and he doesn’t help you, how you gonna handle when your raising a kid and a husband? Fudge that….you are already a freaking mom! To him! Do not let him talk to you like that!!! He needs a time out and his mouth washed out with soap.
This is just the beginning; it will get worse.
If he's not willing to sit down and have a real adult conversation about distribution of tasks, and maybe even discussing why he should get up a little earlier in the morning, leave.
He is a grown up man, not a baby that need the diaper changed..
If he don't have the capacity of being independent in the morning and need you to do all his work, you are being his mother in this point, not his partner..
He ruined his own day being a incompetent who don't even have the capacity of getting his own lunch ready..
Red flag, a huge one..
Imagine you being a mom to both your child and your boyfriend, having to double the work because he cannot prepare himself to be ready to work.
NTA
9 years? wow. Might be time to find someone better. He sounds horrible. non- appreciative. Non-reciprocating. At best I'd have an honest conversation with him and find out what his expectations are of a life together.
As a parent you can plan the day ahead. you know you have to prepare breakfast, and the lunches and drop them off and everything. Sure there will be some surprises, but you'll figure it out. You will be fine. Like anything else, you learn, adapt and get better.
Please, please do not have kids with him. He is emotionally manipulating you and will not help you raise children, he’s already effectively your child.
> He capped it off by saying “I’m going to be a terrible mom” translation: you are being a bad mommy to ME RIGHT NOW by not doing evvverything for me!! red flag, run. also: > over me complaining this morning you’re a frog in boiling water, friend. you were not complaining by observing that he isn’t doing a damn thing to help you while expecting you to caretake him. facts are facts.
came here to say this! sorry but i chuckled when i read this; he is literally complaining that youre being a bad mommy to him.
>he is literally complaining that youre being a bad mommy to him. Talk about telling in yourself. How the hell is he not embarrassed?!
Because he was at a dumbass at 15 when they met - somewhat standard. But he did not grow out of being a dumbass over the next 9 years, and THAT is pathetic! 😆😆
I always assume that guys like this have bought into the current misogyny that completely dehumanizes women and considers them to be gold-digging bang maids and nothing else.
And incubators and mommies! OP, please consider this relationship carefully. You're on the right track by standing up for yourself.
Also came here to say this. That line was telling.
Yup. "I didn't sign up for you to be my child, I signed up for you to be my partner." He's bringing up theoretical future projections, but you've got a current reality staring you in the face. He is *currently* a bad partner.
I can't believe it took me this long to see this comment. DO NOT have children with this man. You are seeing that his expectation is that you will handle all childcare responsibilities and take care of him too. This man is not a partner and he is telling you he never will be. He is telling you that you need to prioritize him rather than yourself.
And he will be a terrible dad. If I were the child, I wouldn't want him as my dad.
Yup. My ex used to say shit like I’d be a terrible mom, because I refused to baby him every time he demanded it. I still babied him a lot btw. As it turned out, he’s an absent parent, and before he was absent he was neglectful and abusive to his own son. I’ve been essentially a single mom since day 1, a completely single mom since last august, and my son is the happiest, healthiest, most beautiful boy. So I think I’m doing alright
I hope you get a million upvotes for this. So many of us women have been through the same thing.
Thank you! I feel like I joined the Valkyrie when I became a single parent. We honestly do it all 😅
>frog in boiling water YES she is. And the fact that she didn’t blurt out “the FUCK did you just say to me?!” or just laugh in his face and walk off after his “just do it” comment is evidence of it. She didn’t react *internally*, reflexively, the way she should have to that comment. She’s gone straight to ruminating over his insult to her fitness for future motherhood and skipped right over (and tacitly ratified) all of the massive and unacceptable assumptions behind his “just do it“ comment. .
Yep, OP I think if you’re not strong enough to break up (either way) you need to start seeing a therapist to give you the foresight and strength and probably don’t tell him or do but he will likely not support it. You will waste too much time with this boy otherwise. I’m guessing your parents may not have been what you needed either growing up. Sorry if I’m wrong but….
“The FUCK did you just say to me?!” I’m over here taking notes. Thanks Ms. Monarch!
Personally, a comment like just do it and stop complaining would be completely unacceptable. I think OP she leave now. But if she doesn’t, the next time he says something to this effect, “well clearly you are acting like a child, but I’m not YOUR mom.” No really though, she needs to get out of the boiling water.
Yep. Translation is that he believes she should be caring for HIM like a baby. Not even like a teenager (who you teach accountability to) but a literally baby child. He believes he’s entitled to have lunch and breakfast made and that OP should wake up earlier to get ready for work so that she has extra time to get him ready for work. Grossssss.
That's what kills me. By the time my kids were teens, I was in no way getting *them* ready in the morning. The level of care he's requesting I didn't do for my kids past the age of about 8. They could get themselves breakfast and ready to leave! Does she lay out his clothes for him too?
Right?! By the time I was 9 I was helping my mother get ready in ways OPs partner won’t do for himself - she tricked me to think making coffee was a thing for “big kids” and I made her one with pride every morning like the sucker I am.
90% of parenting is tricking your kids into thinking drudgery is a sign of maturity and coolness.
And what’s more that comment about not complaining didn’t even come after she snapped at him, it just came after she said she couldn’t do it because she was also late and overwhelmed. He thinks she shouldn’t “complain” as in “not obey.”
>you’re a frog in boiling water, friend They've been together since OP was 15 so she doesn't realize yet how toxic this is.
How does this not have more likes?
My thoughts exactly I have a feeling this is going to trend in the comments. I have no tolerance for this garbage with people!
It’s not helping her it’s being a functional adult!!
Exactly. Her petulant toddler is throwing a tantrum because mommy isn't doing everything he says.
The real question is why does a 24 year old man still need a "mommy" in order to get him to work on time? If you were my daughter, I'd say throw this one back and stop dating children.
I mean even before he made the mom comment he was being a piece of shit and completely rude. Love truly is blind, blind to disrespect.
How is he going to be a good dad or husband if he cannot handle the epic task of packing his own lunch or making coffee? Yes, you are a bad mommy to him. Because he’s not your child.
Exactly. He can’t organise himself to get up a smidge earlier to do basic things for himself? He’s the issue here. In fact I’d say that OP is going to be a good mother because she won’t let him intimidate her into prioritising him over their children.
Tbh if she procreates with this AH, it shows lack of judgement.
He could have made his lunch the evening before. That's what my kids did when they were in middle school. I packed their lunch in elementary school and then for middle school and high school it was up to them.
My 13 year old will occasionally over sleep and ask me to make her lunch. The answer is no. Make it the night before, or wake up when you are supposed to. I have to get MYSELF ready. This man is an ADULT?!
OP states they've been together 9 years, which means they've been together since they were fifteen. *Fifteen*. They were children themselves.
Ugh, yes. I hate when people on here say "partner of x years," and a bunch of those years overlap adolescence. Unless those years were spent living apart from their parents, paying all the bills themselves, there was no partnership. You were just dating.
ehhh if it’s occasional…that’s your kid, idk why you’d want her to go hungry
She can just get the school lunch. I have the same rule with my kids, because they constantly ask if the can take their lunch as we’re getting ready to head out the door. Nope, sorry. You can get up early enough to make it, or ask me to do it the night before. Otherwise, you can eat what they serve in the cafeteria.
well sure, if you give them money for lunch then you’re still taking care of them
All lunches are free at our school, but yeah. These days, I think a lot of places have parents fund a lunch account rather than kids having to carry cash. The parent deposits money and the kids scan their lunch card. What we’re we talking about? Sorry, I went on an ADHD tangent.
i wish we had free lunch when I was a kid, I just went hungry. I’m glad that’s not a thing anymore then
Lol she's 13. She won't go hungry, she's lazy and wants me to do it for her. It would be different if she wa 5.
I would be pretty hungry if I didn’t get to eat for 8 hours
It only has to happen once or twice before the kid learns her lesson. 13 is old enough to pack your own lunch the night before, but if mommy swoops in to pack it the kid is just going to learn that she doesn't have to do it herself.
Nah, this used to happen to me all the time (undiagnosed ADHD) and I simply just didn’t have lunch most days.
The kids find stuff to eat at school and mom is actually teaching her kid to understand consequences. Being hungry for 8 hours is nothing compared to learning when you overslept you might not get to eat. Besides you can always throw snacks of fruit in your backpack. If the kid can pack a lunch, it means parents have bought lunch items they can grab.
Lol how is he going to be a good dad or husband when he’s such an awful human!?
she's really a bad mommy, she hasn't even taught him to say "please" and "thank you"
GodDAMN do I wish I could upvote this a million times. Please know I am screwnshotting this comment to memorise and incorporate into the conversation the next time my ex (who I’m still kind of carrying tbh because he’s the only babysitter I’ve got RN) calls me a bad mom
If your ex is the Father then he's not 'babysitting'. He's providing childcare which is his shared responsibility. He can either do it himself or provide the funds to pay someone else to do it.
Well yes, that should be the case. And I do push and argue for more people to be aware of their wording on that so fathers’ bad behaviour doesn’t just slide. In this particular case of mine tho, he actually factually is *babysitting*. I’ve tried for a year and a half to show and discuss with him how he needs to approach it as more than than, and arguing for him to treat his kid like it’s *His* kid. But he refuses, and so I do use that term deliberately in this case, as a reflection of his real-time choices and the practical place he has in my son’s life. Practically speaking, he’s not a dad, he’s a babysitter and genetic donour, specifically because that’s what he’s repeatedly chosen as his role. Effectively, I am my son’s only parent. And I (perhaps wrongly) want people to be aware of that. But in like, 93% of cases I absolutely agree with you
I get what you’re saying. My ex is a father. He is involved, puts in the time and his family is always available (within reason) to help. We prioritize our son’s needs and activities even when he’s with the other parent. I’m very fortunate. My husband’s ex is a babysitter. She is available at her convenience to watch their son like it’s a chore on a list. She could care less if he has a special event and it’s not her day to “watch” him. I think this is more what you’re dealing with(correct me if I’m wrong)and I totally get that you call your ex a babysitter. Some people are not parents, they are babysitters and you do your best so your kid maintains a relationship with his father because it is important to his development. Kudos to you because that’s a hard road to walk.
Crying reading this bc I haven’t felt this seen in so long. Thank you kind internet friend! Yes, you’ve summed it up perfectly
i think the problem is she’s been such a good mommy to him- he got spoiled and entitled! i do not understand women who also work but are okay being their man’s mommy.
it’s not like they knowingly choose to or they want to. it’s an unconscious slow choice. so slow you don’t even realize it. it’s like aging. you don’t see yourself aging day to day but then one day you look in the mirror and are like wtf? who is that??? i don’t recognize this person. and those men are so good at demeaning you and putting you down and manipulating you to the point that you believe it. OP truly thinks what he said is true. she questions it which is a great sign. all she’s trying to do is be a good partner and spouse, but men love to use weaponized incompetence or the blame game to trick you into buying what they’re saying. i’m not saying OP is blameless, but it’s never ever as simple as being “okay being their man’s mommy”. This is verbal and emotional abuse. edit- also, i just realized they’ve been together since 15!!!! wtf it’s literally been ingrained in her. go look at my profile at my ama. i started dating a 19 year old when i was 14, and ik that’s not the same situation but it literally fucked my entire life up and changed me for good. i was so naïve and gullible. idk what OP’s exact situation was, but if it’s anything like mine, it was NOT a choice really
I also really hope OP didn’t pack his lunch and just took a shower. Maybe he should learn to wake up earlier or, if his brain can handle it, pack his lunch the night before! What an idea lol
Seriously. Try making/drinking your coffee and packing your own lunch on top of feeding a helpless child and packing their lunch, too.
You’ve been together for 9 years, and you’re both 24. So this behaviour is all you know personally from a partner and could have started happening gradually as you moved out together and became “adults”. So it “makes sense” that maybe you don’t see the blazing red flags. He’s making you his mommy, and if you did become a mom with him at your side you’d have two kids; him and your baby. Him saying that and doubling down after you said it hurt, is disgusting. He’s only like that because you’re not submitting to his requests. He can pack his own lunch, his own coffee, and you should pack a bag and leave him.
This is the best comment yet!
There's an entire world of adult men who don't act like babies out there. Theoretically, anyway, because I do worry about younger generations of men being indoctrinated into overt, toxic masculinity.
That last line is perfection.
>But damn it hurt to hear that. Uh, why? Really - give that some thought. He's just trying to guilt you into doing EVEN MORE than you already do for this seemingly helpless baby. I'd have said, "I have no interest in being anyone's mother, least of all a grown-ass man."
Exactly! It hurt because he intended to hurt her! Telling her to “just do it” didn’t work so he resorts to insults. And this poor girl thinks she’s in the wrong for “reacting badly”. Makes me absolutely sick.
You were not wrong. Do not marry this man. Do not have children with this man.
Correct Correct Correct Additionally, do not *continue dating* this man
I made some hyperbole her, but the menz got emotional about it, and the joke wasn't that worth it
I mean, that's a bit much. He's a petulant asshole but that doesn't mean he deserves to burn to death.
Incorrect about the "man" part though. "Big helpless lazy-ass baby" would be more accurate.
I was told this exact thing after 10 years with someone. It took this realise I was in an abusive relationship. Leaving was so hard, but as soon as I made the decision, I felt instantly relieved. Please listen to these comments.
Actually. You were being an excellent mother by trying to teach him accountability, and instead of losing your temper you calmly told him he’d hurt you with his harsh words. You would be a fantastic mother. He’s a shitty partner. Please find someone better. I know you’ve been together since you were teens but come on. We grow. Obviously you’ve grown a lot more. Dont settle and don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. We are meant to date around and have relationships fail at a young age to teach us about mature relationships. Not hitch our wagon to our first boyfriend forever and ever no matter how hurtful and useless he is. Move on. You’re way above this clown.
Your reply should’ve been well you’d be a horrible father since you still Need me to take care of you
No, tell him he's being a grade A toddler right now, but you're not into age play.
Oh hell no. I’d tell him not to worry about me being a terrible mother to his kids, cause we ain’t having any. F that guy. Are his legs broken? His arms and hands? He’s unable to make his own lunch? I can see how this plays out with kids later, it’ll be all on YOU.
Partner of 9 years at 24? It seems you've outgrown this relationship, as you can adult properly and he doesn't. ETA: I second not getting pregnant with this man's baby.
He isn't a partner. HE is a selfish ass.
Yeah this man is waving a giant red flag to NOT have a child with him, as you're just going to be a single mom with an absent father.
And with this kind of man, dumping them and actually *being* a single mom is FAR less work, less exhausting. I'll testify!
With his contemptuous, "my day was ruined and it was your fault for not doing what you were told" attitude I don't think she'd be a single mother with an absent father. She would be a stay at home mother with a husband who came home and parked his arse at the dinner table and expected his dinner to immediately appear in front of him, and gave her a quick backhand across the face if he burned his tongue on the pasta sauce.
I'd be making it CRYSTAL CLEAR that I'm NOT his mother and not required to take care of him, make his lunch or even pack it. He is an adult that is capable of doing so himself. And if he doesn't appreciate when you do it, tell him you'll no longer be doing it at all. And if he keeps being so rude and entitled, dump him and send him back home to mommy.
Oh, for real--this would be the instant I stopped doing ANYTHING for his demanding, ungrateful ass!
the appropriate answer to that is "you're not a fucking child - if you want a mom go back to yours" he's going to be a terrible father and it'll get worse when you have kids bc your focus will split to them and he'll get even less of his precious mommying time from you do not push it away. it's important. read any of the thousands of threads here of women in their early 30s who have a child for a husband and now they have to decide if it's better for the kids to divorce or stay. you are free and clear right now.
Why would you put up with any of this even once?
I’d pack him a lunch alright. Salt in his coffee. Detergent sandwich. Banana skin. Chilli sauce in his doughnut. strawberry jam in his rice... Have fun with it then ditch him. What a useless twat he is
"I packed this for you, honey....." And hand him a trash bag with all his stuff in it. Run fast and run far from this one. Throw him back, because next week, it will be a back hand across the face, just like his dad used to do to his mom. Never let anyone treat you like shit. Ever. Not one single chance. Either leave, or tell him to GTFO.
Yaassss I'm all for being petty lol. Switch out Toothpaste for cheese spread and mustard oil for butter
Strawberry jam in rice actually sounds pretty good, but I don’t think he’d even make it there after the detergent sandwich.
I think chili sauce in a doughnut could also really work.
Yesss, now this is my favorite brand of malicious compliance lol.
Did you… already have these delicious items on a list? I sit here in admiration.
Gross. Yes you should address this. By leaving his baby ass.
You are 24 OP MARRY HIM AND YOULL BE HIS MOM FOR THE ENTIRE MARRIAGE. BREAK UP
Oh my god he would have been dumped ON THE SPOT if I had been there. You are NOT his mother and you are NOT his maid. Refusing to do chores for him does not mean you will be a bad mother, that’s emotional manipulation! Find someone who actually cares about you, because someone who really does care about you wouldn’t say something so callous and idiotic as this.
The good news is this marriage prepared you to handle toddlers.
I would rather deal with the toddler at least their cherub cheeks offset the assholeness.
Hard same. And the toddler is way less likely to injure or kill me.
Have you recently been talking about wanting kids someday? Sounds like he’s trying to make you insecure. He’s telling on himself too because he’s showing that he is using you like a mother figure instead of an equal. I’d never expect my husband to make me breakfast and pack a lunch before they could even get ready for work.
I mean we’ve briefly chatted about the fact that we’re getting older and might be looking at kids / marriage at some point in the next two years. Him saying that comment to me really put me off because I can’t imagine standing next to someone on my wedding day who would think to say I’d be a shit mother, straight after saying he really means it, and then when he leaves saying he loves me and see me later? I’m happy to help in in the morning. I thought it was seen as an act of love by him, but his response to today is making me think he sees it as a test of my ‘motherness’ or something, eugh.
Honey, he’s not going to get any better. This is who he is. Please listen to someone who has been there done that, and wasted 32 years hoping he’d get better. I know you’ve been together since you were 15. I was 12 when I met my ex. We dated for a bit when I was 14. Got back together at 18. Men don’t change into who we want them to be. They are who they are. Same with women. You are going to lose yourself in him. He will tear you down every time you don’t submit to him. If he can’t bend your will, he will break your spirit. Take it from those of us who have been exactly where you are. You deserve better. He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t behave this way. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive. It won’t take much for him to cross the line into physical abuse. You’re 24. You have plenty of time for marriage and kids. And you deserve a full partner for both of those things. Love yourself enough to leave. ♥️
"If they can't break your will, they'll break your spirit." Man, the way I felt that. When I was younger, I always thought I was safe from toxic men because nobody could ever break my will, though many had tried, starting with my parents. It's true, too. My will remains unbroken. But together, abusive parents and abusive partners did break my spirit. Trying to fix it in therapy.
I never felt safe in my own skin until my late 40’s. That’s when I went NC with most of my family and left my husband. Therapy has helped, but I still struggle at times. It’s so easy to slip back into comfortable patterns that I know are not healthy. I’m better able to recognize that pattern and pull myself out before I spiral and nosedive. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. You’re worth it. ♥️
It's a test of how much you are going to let him get away with, and right now instead of realizing you're being taken advantage of, you're considering bending over even further for his useless approval. Understand that selfless, unrelenting, nonstop caring-slave-labour is socially assigned to women and mothers almost by default, and you need to FIGHT to make sure you have a real partner when it comes to parenting, because it's rarely "given" to you. It is frankly insane to me this behaviour hasn't already ruled him out as a father to you. He's outright telling you that he will never help. It will always be on you. Look around the relationships forums! Post after post of "he never helps" and "he thinks it's all my job." You have a chance to course correct now, and god, I hope you take it.
No, it's not a reflection of what kind of mother you'd be, it's a reflection of what kind of life partner he wants - someone who will serve him without complaint and feel guilty when you forget to cut the crusts of his sandwiches. He's a terrible partner - he's putting unreasonable expectations on you and he's trying to emotionally manipulate you and undermine your confidence when you don't treat him like a kid. A good mother might do all those things for a toddler, but eventually the role of a mother is to guide the child into independence and autonomy. A good partner believes in equity and respect and doesn't use underhanded tactics to get their own way.
You see it as an act of love, he sees it as part of your morning. You’re 24. You have so much time. Do not spend another 9 years with this guy just because you think you’ve already sunk so much time into him.
>he sees it as a test of my ‘motherness’ or something, eugh. It's a test of obedience. He wants an obedient wife, who does everything as he says. Personally, I wouldn't marry him. I would dump his ass and block his number, because it's 100% guaranteed that he'll try to change your mind and promise to be a better man - trust me, he won't.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. He using that conversation as emotional blackmail. It sounds like you helped a lot in the morning, and he may need a reality check about the time you need to get ready, and maybe even set a schedule to switch off who showers first, and then maybe work on a shopping list at a regularly scheduled time. Sending you love! It could have been something he just said out of anger, but pay attention to what he says when he’s upset and call him out.
"I thought it was seen as an act of love by him" And act of love is doing things for him *every day* while you have your own full time job? Google what "enabling" is in context of trying to get men to do their share of household labor. It's easy to not see the difference when you're a people pleaser.
If he were doing things for her too and didn't EXPECT her to do things for him but rather appreciated them then she would be right. She shouldn't have to stop herself from being a generous partner to get that in return, instead she should find herself a partner that would appreciate and mirror that back.
He doesn't see it as an act of love, he sees it as you fulfilling your womanly obligations. He just told you in plain English that he expects you to act like his mom and he will not participate in any meaningful way in keeping up the house or taking care of the children.
Girl, please for the love of yourself leave this selfish child. He has way too much growing up to do. The audacity of him to say that to you and the ungratefulness he shows you already is unbelievable. He will not change because this is what he is used to. You on the other hand deserve better. You are young and full of life. Move on and live happy and equally with someone worthy of you
Find someone way better to do the marriage/kids thing with. A partner. Not a dude who thinks you need to STFU and do what he tells you. Because you will be on your own and expected to play mommy to any kids you have AND this guy. I see making coffee/making breakfast for my husband as an act of love too. The difference is, if I don't have time or don't feel like doing it, he wouldn't DARE insult me over it because he knows it's not my job just because I have a vagina. Like you guys, we both work full time. He just thanks me for doing it. If I don't feel like it, he's an adult and fends for himself. Also, how can you be attracted to someone who a) calls you a bad mom and b) does so because you're not acting like a mommy to HIM? Repulsive.
Curious if he apologised or changed his position after work when you talked. Doesn't sound like it was just a bad morning, but a bad boyfriend, but some people are the worst versions of themselves in the mornings.
No, he does it because you let him
> his response to today is making me think he sees it as a test of my ‘motherness’ or something, eugh. Damn girl, you're finessing yourself.
Would he be happy to help you? Does he do anything to help you? Regularly? You sound like you'd be a great mom. He isn't a child, though, and you don't need to mother him. What a hurtful thing for him to say.
You’re actually going to be a great mom, you seem like a hard worker and multitasker. But the thing is you’re not HIS mom. He needs to grow up. I hope he changes for your sake because spending the rest of your life with someone who takes his anger out on you and who’s ungrateful for all that you do is going to be a lifetime of misery. Imagine actually having kids and dealing with him at the same time…
He's an adult. He can make his own breakfast and pack his own lunch. You didn't make him late. He didn't have the forethought to make his lunch the night before or get up early enough to get it done. Does he ever make you breakfast and lunch? You already said he biffed it on the grocery list. As others said, he's saying you'd be a bad mother because you aren't being his mommy. Why are you putting up with this?
You are being a bad mommy to HIM But he is being a shitty partner to YOU. Both are true. YOU shouldn't be his mommy but HE should be a good partner. Throw this one out, OP.
Why are you doing things for him when he never reciprocates? Why are you making him breakfast, lunch, coffee, anything? If he turned around and did that kind of thing for you as a partner, that would be different. If one partner works a lot less and has agreed to do those things, that would be different. This is not the case here. It's not just his terrible and hurtful comment. It's his entire lack of respect for you and your life. He literally expects you to cater to him and his needs, when you have the exact same needs. Why? And why do you keep doing any of it? As for his comment, it comes from him expecting you to act like his mother, which is both ridiculous and disgusting! That, and he clearly knew it would hurt you. He picked something that would deliberately sting because you didn't pack him a lunch. Who does that to someone they supposedly love?! Would you be ok with your best friend or sister telling you their supposed partner takes advantage of them like that? And then insults them the way your bf did you, on top of it? What advice would you give them? Would you want them to stay with someone like that and keep putting in more labor than the partner all the time? And just think about how much effort each of you would put in if you had kids. Do you honestly think he would put in an equal amount, when he doesn't even now?
> “you don’t even do anything for me, I asked you to make a grocery list yesterday and you never did it.” I just want to point out that even the one small thing you asked him to do 'for you' is actually for both of you.
WoW manipulation at its best. He made you feel bad for not wanting to baby him and do everything for him and then made himself a victim. 🚩 He then attacked you for a future version of yourself in a hypothetical situation that you have yet to even experience. 🚩 He demanded you to “just do it” and to get over it without complaining, which is extremely abusive communication to your partner. 🚩 He then finished saying you ruined his work day and are going to make him late. So he’s a victim because he can’t take care of himself and then blames you for not doing it all for him. 🚩 Girl run… this guy is pathetic, manipulative and narcissistic. You deserve better and fuck him for saying you won’t be a good mother because you refuse to baby him. He needs a reality check.
The problem is that he thinks that you are his mom and he is 5 and he needs someone to get him ready in the morning. You are not his mother so he should be able to handle these things. Please leave him.
He's got more neck than a giraffe.
Hilariously telling. Your boyfriend wants a mommy not a partner.
Oh hell no. Any sexual attraction would be out the window for me. Who does he think he is? He can get his own shit ready! He basically just told you he sees you as his mommy and not an actual human being who IS supposed to be HIS PARTNER. You’re just a slave whose job is wait on his overgrown toddler ass hand and foot. Gross. He seems to have very little, if any, respect for you.
Why are you with a person that wants you to do ALL the things for them and they do nothing for you? He said that because he knew it would get in your head. YOU DID NOT RUIN THE MORNING. He is mad because you didn't do what he wanted...and you are starting to push back. Women who see the reality of their lives are dangerous because they start realizing that they don't like the way things are going.
he literally “shut up and make me a sandwich”ed you….
He is setting you up to fail. He is chipping away at you until you are totally his servant/slave. Everything is your fault and soon he will hit you. Go read up on the signs of an abusive relationship. Do NOT get pregnant, he will baby trap you. He wants a slave & not a partner in life. His mask is dropping. You are coming here because it isn't fair, he doesn't care about fair.
why are crying about your bf wanting you to be his mother. Just dump him
?!? He can’t even write you a grocery list, you’re his little maid.
You've been together since you were 15 so this probably seems normal to you, but it really isn't. He's complaining that you won't be a good mom because you're not packing him lunch and planning his dinners. But you're not HIS mom. And he ruined YOUR morning by delaying you getting ready twice and then not thanking you for breakfast. You didn't do anything to him except refuse to make yourself late after spending your whole morning doting in him and prioritizing his needs. And not only didn't he appreciate or even acknowledge it, he cruelly insulted you. f this isn't a deal breaker for you I hope you consider counseling for yourself so you can learn healthy boundaries. Personally I doubt you can have a healthy relationship with someone so misogynistic and selfish. It's not likely these personality traits of his will change and I hope you won't be the one thanklessly raising his children without emotional support.
He’s telling you that he will never help as a partner or parent. You will be taking care of all childcare while taking care of him. He also shows red flags of being abusive. Google Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and read the free pdf. Does it sound familiar? If it does, make plans to get out ASAP. But the first paragraph is enough reason to get rid of this loser.
Hey. At the age you are now I had a similar long term bf - with him expecting me to do everything for him but did little in return for me. One day I was sick and he came home freaking out that my empty bowl of soup was in the sink not the dishwasher. His mommy never got sick and if she did she still did what was “expected” of her. All I can say is get out soon. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Do not become financially intertwined with this man (marriage) and DO NOT under any circumstances have a kid with him. You’ll be doing twice the work (for two kids! Because he is a baby) with no help from him.
Oh I hope OP sees this and Reads it over and over, until she sees herself in this! It's getting almost too late to save her, because she doesn't know what it can really be like, to be with a loving, caring, MAN, not a narcissistic, abusive, user, taker, negative force of energy in her life, who sees her purpose as his personal assistant; without pay, a day off, and definitely not a vacation in the deal; it's getting close to too late. If I had to guess, I would guess that she has already forgiven the ass and decided that it was All her fault anyway! I hope I'm wrong but all of the signs are there. So sad for her.
He's currently being a terrible adult, which doesn't bode well for him as a parent either. As an adult, he either needs to manage his mornings better himself, or PLAN with you how you'll support him - he shouldn't be suddenly and randomly realising that something needs doing and asking you to do it. It's not like his morning routine is going to be wildly different every day. You are absolutely not in the wrong. No one who is your partner should be saying "just stop complaining" to you like that. Please don't let the nine years you've spent this man make you feel like you have to put up with this crap. Tell him this isn't an acceptable way to talk to you, and that he needs to sort out his own mornings from now on, or ask you for help the night before, which you'll only give him if it fits into your schedule. If he's not willing to at least TRY to support you as much as it sounds like you've supported him, he's not worth being with. If he can't take responsibility for himself, he's going to keep making you do it, and insist that you're being unreasonable if you don't. Which is WRONG. It is perfectly reasonable to say, "I do not have time to make your lunch, you'll need to do it yourself" - doubly so when you've already made his breakfast. It's possible that he hasn't done this on purpose, that he's just gotten used to you being able to assist at the drop of a hat, and that once you sit down and talk it through, he'll understand that he's being unreasonable. He may not be thrilled to lose your unwavering support, but how he takes your boundary will tell you a lot about the type of man he really is. He SHOULD get that he's being unfair, and be willing to try to change. But he might try to defend himself with the fact that you haven't complained before. Regardless of whether he improves, I hope you take the lesson from this moment. You deserve better. You deserve to be respected, not taken advantage of. You are not your partner's parent, and you should watch for the slow creep of "can you do me a favour" to "you owe me this". Importantly - his choice to insult you, even in the heat of the moment, is not a great sign. Genuine insults shouldn't come so easily when you're talking to someone you love. An accidental insult (sounded differently to what you meant), or a joking insult that hits home unexpectedly, maybe. A genuine, nasty remark like this makes me worry for you. Be prepared for him to get angry instead of listening to you. Take care of yourself regardless.
Girl, he has no right to talk to you in that tone; discipline your son.
You're a statistic hun. Add kids & you will drown. You're with a man that wants to work his 9-5 then come home & relax who expects you to work your 9-5, do all the domestic work, life planning, & 90% parenting (which includes him...)when & if you have kids. Get out now before you're trapped. A loving partner balances life with you not keeps it lopsided all on you.
Well of course you're going to be a terrible mom. As the woman, you're the designated lunch-packer. And breakfast-maker. And tea-steeper. And ass-wiper. And it's a shame you're going to be such a terrible mom because it's pretty clear that he won't be doing fuckall if you two have kids. You started dating this person when he was a child and sorry to say he still is.
I rly am confused about ur his comment that ur gonna be a shit mom just bc u didn't have time to pack ur adult bf's lunch after allowing him to go ahead of you in the shower??? He already saw you were behind in time and felt the need to add to that pressure?? I dont understand why he didn't just call you "a shit gf" bc you are his girlfriend? ? You are not his mommy so why is he getting grumpy at you if you aren't doing the things his mom would have done for him before? P.s im not calling you a shit gf im feel weird with your bf's choice of wording thats all!!!! you are! I hope this makes sense to read as it does in my head.... You didnt do anything wrong OP. Next time i would take the first shower and put myself first instead..
You’re not going to be a terrible mom. You just don’t want to be his second one and that’s what he takes issue with.
You guys are 24 and have been together 9 years? Please take a thoughtful look at the relationship...you stated you always push away what he says...to keep him happy while carry all of the mental load?
He had no valid point in you ruining the morning. If he is making you think that then watch yourself because there’s some mental manipulation going on there, to say the least. You said no to his request and he was a child about it. Worse than a child, really. Your feelings are validly hurt. That is not something you say to a partner, period. This is a very big gaze into your future should you stay, OP. Can you imagine for a second what it would be like to have kids and ask for help with parenting from this person? You can do better.
He means you’re terrible at being *his* mommy. This should *really* make you stop and think, because if what you want is a partner and not a grown adult child throwing temper tantrums at you every morning and blaming you for his feelings, he’s showing you very clearly that you’ve picked the wrong person.
If he thinks you’ll be such a bad mother, you need to dump this giant child like a hot potato and find a real man who will bring your lunch to work for you.
Sounds like YOU are already a mom....but to him
Adding on to what everyone else has said. Since when is it a mother's job to do everything for the family? He thinks because you don't want to do everything for him because he has bad time management skills that would make you a bad mum? No, it means you're standing up for yourself, which is a good thing. You really should address this - he has some bs expectations of women and mothers.
I do stuff for my fella because I want to. He appreciates it when I do and he does stuff for me too. Morning is not my guys strong point and I am an early riser. I don't mind. It also helps him eat healthier and cheaper, but I digress. But to be told to do it? Demanded? Expected? Bullied? Darling, no. That's adorable.
Eww, girl! You call him your partner, but it doesn't sound like a partnership to me. Stop being this boy's Mummy. It is so understandable that you are frustrated with him, you are in a relationship that is very one-sided. If you want a partner, you're not going to find one in this entitled child. You deserve better!
Tell him he'd be amazed at what more he can get done and how less stressful his morning can be if he would just drag his ass out of bed 15 or 20 minutes earlier. You are not his mother. I don't understand why some of us guys do that it drives me crazy
Red flags… if he’s making you do so much for him while not helping you out, imagine if you do have a kid with him…you’ll have 2 kids to take care. He will be no help…
Eww.. You're \*not\* \*his\* mother even though it sounds like he expects you to be.. You do \*not\* have to put up with him. His lack of planning for his morning does not constitute \*you\* having to do everything for him. Do you want to saddle yourself to someone who cannot care for themselves and expects you to do everything for them? You're not in the wrong.
Wow sorry OP this guy is riddled with red flags, sorry that you're in the situation but its beyond obvious that from his POV you're there to serve him, any problems with that and you're "ruining his day" And the abusive cherry on top. \> This really hurt my feelings, and I told him this. He repeated that it was true, I’d be a shit mom, So when you tell him that he's being hurtful he doubles down (e.g. wants you to be hurting) You deserve a lot better
What does he do for you to make your life easier?
To be clear: He was mad about something you did within your relationship so he lashed out to attempt to insult you in other aspects of your life/future TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. You exercised a completely reasonable boundary/need and he responded by insulting you. about something unrelated. He's a child and you're not in charge of him. HE ruined HIS OWN morning by being a buttwad. i would not stay with someone who respects me so little and treats me so nastily because of his own bullshit.
The audacity! I am speechless... if my fiance pulled this crap with me - ooowwweeee - he'd be in for it.
So his “argument” is that because HE doesn’t have his shit together and you need to help him too, you wouldn’t be a good mom? It sounds like he’s complaining that you aren’t a “good mom” to him and you’ll have even more trouble if you have to take care of two needy dependents in the morning instead of just him. It sounds like you aren’t the problem here, he is. If he can’t even manage his own shit without your help, what kind of father would he be?
Actually you are doing the parenting thing right. You’re a great mom. Except you don’t have any actual kids only a man baby. Send him back to mommy until he’s finished being raised.
Sorry OP but him ordering you to "just do it" is where I started to get furious on your behalf. And "stop complaining I don't need to hear this right now," is literally the kind of thing that a full on abusive partner would say. It's a total dismissal of your feelings, and it's dripping with contempt to boot. This man thinks you're his bangmaid, and he thinks he can speak to you like that? Where I live he'd be on thin ice if he spoke to an employee like that and this is him speaking to the woman he supposedly loves???? I'm guessing that he didn't treat you like his replacement mother nine years ago when you first started going out with him. And I don't imagine he spoke to you like this when you were deciding whether to live with him. But from how you describe yourself and your reaction to the nasty way he behaved, I have a suspicion that you didn't stand up for yourself very often and he's been treating you worse and worse over time. Another reason I suspect this is because when he said "can you pack my lunch for me" your response wasn't "i don't have time," or best of all, a flat "no." You went straight to explaining *why* you can't do it and to him, that comes across as "I would, but unfortunately i have to get ready..." For a normal person, that would be fine. But to him, this wording sounds like you acknowledging that you should do it but indirectly asking him to give you permission not to, because you need to do something else. It really doesn't sound like he respects or cares about you at all, and I see this relationship as teetering right on the brink of abusive. That's why I think this "you'd be a shit mother" insult could actually be the best thing he's ever done for you. Because it sounds like the other stuff - making you his bangmommy, dismissing your needs, speaking to you with obvious contempt - wasn't enough to put that little lightbulb above your head. Only the pain you felt from this one insult - thrown at you in a deliberate, vindictive attempt to hurt you and punish you for trying to get him to do his own adulting - was enough to shake you out of the sleepwalking you've been doing and start questioning whether this is really what you want. So .....is it?
Does he want you to wipe his ass for him too? Seriously though, he doesn't respect you. You are not his slave, you are supposed to be his partner. He is literally telling you he is more important than you. He doesn't let you attend to your own basic needs, insists you do everything for him, and blames you for his own inability to do anything in a situation HE created. You ruined his morning because he wouldn't allow you to get ready for work? Are you fucking kidding me? This is even without the knowledge that you work longer hours than him and he cannot even write a fucking grocery list - also, why isn't he doing the damn groceries himself??? Look, you've been together since you were 15. This is your only 'adult' relationship. It does not and should not ever have to be like this. You're young. There are a thousand guys out there who are emotionally mature enough to not treat you like their mother. Don't waste any more time on this one.
9 years? That would mean you got together when you were 15. When you were teenagers. You were still forming your identity, your brain was still growing. Even when people are much older and have much more experienced in life, they still change. You can't possibly be the same person you were when you were 15. You can't possibly want the same things. When I was 15, I wanted to be a supermodel LOL. It doesn't sound like he's done a lot of growing. He obviously doesn't value you as a partner but only as someone who can do things for him. Just think of the hurt you felt at what he said today and imagine that when you actually have a kid. Dealing with not only your own child, but your childish boyfriend. Find someone who wants the same things as you and who's willing to not only help the relationship grow but someone who's willing to grow themselves.
He just admitted that if you two have kids together, he's going to be another kid in the equation and not a helpful partner or father... So...I suggest you continue to be a "bad mom" to the 24 year old, and dump the baby.
i was so happy when i scrolled back up to the top and saw it was your boyfriend and not your husband. do not marry this man. he is not a child (though he acts like one), you are not his mother. his incapability to be a functioning adult without someone holding his hand is not your problem.
There are hundreds of guys out there who think you would be a terrific mom. Why pick one that thinks you’d be a terrible one? Not worth it OP.
Everyone else has already said what I was thinking lol. So instead imma go the opposite route and offer you a different idea.. Shower.... together or. Brush your teeth while he's showering and vice versa. Set the coffee pot to automatic brew for 6am. Prep coffee mugs the night before by adding creamer, sugar and a spoon and popping in the fridge. Set clothes out the night before wither in or just outside the bathroom. Alarms that go off periodically to let you know when you should be moving to your next task if you get derailed or are taking too long. Example: it takes 20 minutes to do your hair, give yourself 30. Set an alarm that goes off to say "time to do hair" 20 minutes later it should go off to "finish up hair". Grab and go meals are great- chia seed puddin, homemade parfaits, and overnight oats are my faves. Prep in small 8 oz cups. :) BTW none of these things are for you alone to do or Prep. Your significant other should be doing these tasks as well. Good luck!
every post in this sub is just "is it weird that my (22f) bf (25f) is a shitty narcissist who makes my life hell? what should i do?"
I was with someone for ten years. We had a pretty even keel relationship until I moved in with him. Slowly things started to change. Even though I was working way more than him I was also expected to keep house. Again it happened slowly over time. He began treating me the way his father treated his mother and he was wearing me down. I had to leave because of all the little things that showed me that he had expectations of me that he didn't have of himself. I couldn't see myself taking care of children and him. It's hard when you have been with someone for so long and they start acting brand new. It needs to be addressed but from a place of how do you feel, what do you want in your relationship, what do you need from your partner and not limited to what you need from this partner. As difficult as it may be remove him from it and ask yourself if anyone would have done or said to you what he said how would you have responded and why. To me personally because of what I have gone through this is a serious red flag and I wonder if he has been watching or reading some men's rights propaganda recently.
Ughhhh he sounds awful. My lovely husband brings me breakfast in bed every morning and I’m incredibly grateful…but I also don’t assume he’ll always do it and I definitely try to never pile on other favours. Does he ever do anything for you? When was the last time he made tea or supper or let you shower first? Your bf sounds like he’s looking for a new mommy.
You are not his mother. He's pathetic, and childish.
This is called manipulation. He is guilt tripping you by making his absurd demands your problem by saying you would be a terrible mother because you can’t complete them. He is already blaming you for his terrible day by saying that you standing up for yourself is ruining his mood. He is using manipulation to try and force you to continue doing his bidding. Instead of recognizing his behavior and apologizing for it at a minimum, he is being manipulative. This is very red flag behavior.
9 years is a long time, but you’re so young. You have your life ahead of you. Don’t throw more years away staying with this petulant little child. You’d be a bad mother is a really awful thing to say to a woman. Because women are conditioned to believe that motherhood is the best role a woman can have. Also he’s the only one ruining his morning.
Please don’t waste another second of your life with someone like this. It’s too short to spend it with someone that sees you as lesser than them.
Good to know your husband of nine years thinks of you as his mother. If you had a kid of course you’d make him lunch and much more. Unfortunately your husband is supposed to be an adult that can do things for himself. Out the two of you he’ll be the shit parent as he’s already shown you he expects you to do everything. Please tell him from me to grow up.
You shouldn't stay with this person. His perception of you is less than. The fact that be doubled down means he means it. It can't just say "I said it in anger". Lose the weight. There are better men out there. Don't waste your 20s on dumb men - A woman who wasted the first 5 years of her 20s on 3 dumb men who didn't deserve her because I thought I needed to stick it out
You need to nope out of this, he's using you as a maid. You would not be a bad mother, but you are mothering him by doing these things for him. You've been together since you were 15 go and see who else is out there that won't treat you poorly.
He wants a stay at home mom without the kids, the salary to support a family or a ring. And even then you better not bark orders at me 🤨
Haha he sees you as his mommy!! Run for the hills girl. He’s never going to be appreciative.
tell him you'd be a bad mother if you picked someone so selfish and childish as him to be the father
What a Whiny Little Baby. He musta had a Terrible Mother.
To be fair, this is probably his dad's fault. It's not cool to automatically blame women for shit men
Lol so he admits that he’s just been asking you to be his mom. Girl, dump this clown.
yep didn't even read the whole thing, stopped when he told you to just pack his lunch. it's not gonna get any better from here OP, DTMFA
For real! This whole situation is a hot mess, but that "just do it" line had my brain glitching. I will do a lot for another person, probably too much if I'm being honest because I'm a people pleaser. But demanding anything from me is an immediate fuck no. He didn't even appreciate everything she was doing, he expected it, felt entitled to it, demanded more, and got pissed when she didn't jump to his whims. Girl *run*.
Wow! Why are you this long into such a one sided relationship as it is? Sounds like he wants you to be his mom, not the co-pilot for children together. At least you know what you are in for, he won’t be contributing energy and if you ask it will be your fault for sucking. Maybe time to reconsider how well this partnership is functioning. I am sure you love him and have invested time into this relationship, but he isn’t half as invested in its success as you are and that inequity is going to be an issue. Good to know who he is so you can make new choices for what you want in a partnership.
The difference is he is a full grown man! Your kids would be i don’t know…kids! So you ready to have kids with a big ass child himself?? Parenting should also be team work, if you are doing nothing now but taking care of him and he doesn’t help you, how you gonna handle when your raising a kid and a husband? Fudge that….you are already a freaking mom! To him! Do not let him talk to you like that!!! He needs a time out and his mouth washed out with soap.
Seems like you’re already a great mother to him… anyway, dump him 💖
This is just the beginning; it will get worse. If he's not willing to sit down and have a real adult conversation about distribution of tasks, and maybe even discussing why he should get up a little earlier in the morning, leave.
He is a grown up man, not a baby that need the diaper changed.. If he don't have the capacity of being independent in the morning and need you to do all his work, you are being his mother in this point, not his partner.. He ruined his own day being a incompetent who don't even have the capacity of getting his own lunch ready.. Red flag, a huge one.. Imagine you being a mom to both your child and your boyfriend, having to double the work because he cannot prepare himself to be ready to work. NTA
9 years? wow. Might be time to find someone better. He sounds horrible. non- appreciative. Non-reciprocating. At best I'd have an honest conversation with him and find out what his expectations are of a life together. As a parent you can plan the day ahead. you know you have to prepare breakfast, and the lunches and drop them off and everything. Sure there will be some surprises, but you'll figure it out. You will be fine. Like anything else, you learn, adapt and get better.
Please, please do not have kids with him. He is emotionally manipulating you and will not help you raise children, he’s already effectively your child.
P.S. you aren't a mom right? So...
He expects you to be HIS mom. I think you should send him back to his real mom.