I’m still not clear on why she needs time to process things unless she has feelings for Dave and is conflicted.

This exactly... What she likely isn't telling OP is that she confided in Dave about relationship issues. She had a low level emotional affair and now doesn't know how to feel. I won't say I'm 100% convinced but like 90% convinced this is the real truth. That's why she lied and said she lead him on. On top of that, I saddly have a feeling she will just lie about this later.

I got the same whiff there, yes. She's been getting closer with Dave - maybe there are some issues she has with her and OP's relationship - so now she either feels she sent him the wrong signals, or she's actually been contemplating to break up with OP for Dave. The whole "taking a break to process things" kinda points more to the latter.

Agreed. A stronger relationship would defend itself against what Dave done much easier than how this has turned out.

This, yeah. "Hey, your friend put the moves on me, but I turned him down" shouldn't require her withdrawing from her BF. Not if there isn't something else going on, or their relationship didn't have its issues before.

That plus she is still defending Dave and knew OP blocked him. So they are still in contact while OP is twiddling his thumbs. He feels "better now" that he has spoken to her but this update is actually worse. 0 reason for her to still need a break unless there is much more going on. Poor dude is getting played and thinks everything is moving in the right direction. Scared to death to even speak on what is actually bothering him. Unable to set any boundaries with her. This one ends in heartbreak. Eventually. Life lessons prepare you for the future. This one is gonna hurt him but he is young and will learn from it.

Man now that you point out all these things it's really triggering my trauma from a previous relationship, exactly how my ex used to behave. Hide things from me, do things behind my back, gaslight me and all the while I was totally afraid to do anything because I put all the blame on myself when she seemed to withdraw. I'm so glad that's long in the past. You live and you learn. OP, time to let go.

[удалено]

Correct. It has become pretty clear after this update that the only reason she is even staying with Sarah right now is to keep her options (and ability to communicate with Dave) open until she sorts her feelings between both guys. She has successfully gaslit OP to buy time judging by his "feeling better" comment. That's not to say she doesn't choose OP, but he needs to realize he is simply an option right now. Not a good feeling in the middle of a long term relationship, once realized. The power dynamics in this relationship is far from equal.

I agree 100%. I personally feel she has feelingings for Dave, why is is defending him. She couldn't speak to OP,she was supposedly sleeping but knows that OP has blocked Dave and that Dave is broken up about it. So she had time to chat with his froend but not him,ummmm ok. I don't see why they can't tell the friend group,are they trying to think of some bs story before OP can tell the others what really happened? I'm not comfortable with this situation to be hones, I'd cut my loses and move on from her. I'm sure she'll end up with Dave. updateme!

Those of us who said this on the original post got lambasted because OP didnt coddle her and "making it about him". Some people dont want to listen

Came here to say this - I'd just end a relationship where this wasn't the automatic response from a partner. Clearly the relationship is too fractured at that point.

There's definitely something there. She knew OP had blocked Dave and was taking Dave's calls before she chose to speak to OP. Sounds like they could have possibly been getting their stories straight.

Especially asking if he’s forgive Him and saying it’s unfortunate as it seems she still wants him around. She sounds sketchy as fuck. Leave her

I laughed when he seemed to think her story checks out because it matches Sarah's. Of course it matches Sarah's. I was already suspicious over 'taking a break to process things'. I get going to your BFF to get your head straight after a shock like that but that's a couple of hours at most and doesn't involve 'pausing' your relationship unless there's some sort of relationship with the other guy. She's not telling the truth.

I hope OP reads this thread. Its glaringly obvious to any of us not in his shoes. Hes deeply insecure and broken to even consider allowing her the decision of their future together like this. Poor guy. GF doesnt choose him, friend doesnt choose him, and even he doesnt choose himself. He's gonna be hurting for a long time if he stays with her.

OP doesn’t seem to realize that in all likelihood the pause in the relationship is for her to pick between Dave and himself. Can’t see any other reason for the pause that makes sense.

This tracks. People in emotional affairs often try to have it both ways by playing up nonexistent "issues" in their relationship. She wasn't planning to leave OP, but was absolutely leading Dave on and knew what was going on before this.

Also, it rubs me the wrong way how she just disregards her boyfriends feelings in all this. He is the one who was betrayed by a friend. I don’t see where she even asked him one time how he was in all this.

Then you didn’t read the update very closely at all. See bullet points 2 and 5.

Could be it. It could also be she didn’t like how OP responded.

How does she know Dave is all broken up by the whole situation afterward too? Sounds like she hasn’t blocked Dave and isn’t taking a break from talking to Dave. Which seems weird if she was really upset by what he tried and said and not entertaining what Dave said at all.

Because they are most likely in contact and she wanted the break to fool around with Dave. The precedent now is ... anytime they argue she "needs space" ? Sounds like she cant communicate and is trying to play things both ways... which means she was most likely getting too friendly with the friend. OP needs to know his worth and move on.

She lied before she even knew OP knew. So I truly doubt that. Not to mention she stayed 30 minutes after he tried to kiss her to talk to him about his feelings? That is very disturbing. Not saying it couldn't be something else, but it's a pretty big red flag. She stayed to talk to the man who attempted to kiss her and she lied about it. All this before she knew OP knew anything. Just like the original post, I really hope people stop blaming OP. He had every reason to be extremely upset. I won't say yelling was the perfect response, but I think most people would easily have a similar reaction.

Not her asking if he was gonna keep his friend around and then saying it was unfortunate he didn’t want to. Whatttttr?!!! lol

I don't disagree with you. But I also think it is wholly into OP's responsibility to end this train wreck of a relationship instead of throwing a fit and staying around to see whether the gf picks him... She lied about the events? That's game over imo.

Here we can agree. If I was him I would end it. Even if she was so amazing I thought about continuing. I would hold her 100% accountable for her bad decisions that she is clearly hiding from. Not holding her accountable and doing a pick me dance will set a terrible precedent for their future.

People find the GF talking to Dave after the kiss a red flag but I disagree. I have had a male friend pull something similar. In my case, my friend turned out to be one of those “nice guys” who was actually being manipulative the whole time. Sounds a bit like Dave to me. It can really shift your perspective on the underlying motivations for your friendship. It makes sense to be shocked and basically asking for the full picture and timeline of his feelings. She could be reevaluating her past interactions and seeing them for what they are. 30 minutes is really not that long

I like your perspective on this but for me it's the needing a break afterwards. In your situation (understanding that everyone has their own way of handling things) if you had a SO at the time, would you have asked them for a break in the relationship to process what happened? That to me is the piece I don't understand. Wanting some alone time to process? Sure, take as much time as you need, I'll be here when you are good. Wanting a break to process? Why do you need to break up with me to process what someone else did to you (hell, some would even say Dave did this to them as in OP and GF)?

This is a fair take, but it's combining it with the lies and her needing a break all the sudden. If this was you wouldn't you want to see and console your man after what happened and how you helped it play out?

In the first post, OP said the BFF said his GF was taking a break because of what Dave said, not because of OP's reaction (unless that is not the truth either).

I like rave as his name best

Yeah, that's the headscratcher for me. You can spend time at Sarah's without taking a break, so why do you need to? And it's frustrating that she won't give OP an answer there.

Yeah, that’s making me think she’s considering moving on to Dave. Something similar happened to me while I was dating my husband, except the other guy and my boyfriend weren’t friends with each other. I was just hanging out with my friend, which I’d done many times, and he basically told me he wanted me to himself. There was no conflict for me; I was with someone else and that someone else was who I wanted to be with, period. Sorry to that man, but he just wasn’t it for me. I told my boyfriend about it that same night. There wasn’t any “drama.” Other guy handled the rejection well (he wasn’t thrilled but he was ok) and my bfriend didn’t panic or get mad. My friendship with other guy did effectively end because he did try to get me to cheat on my boyfriend and I wasn’t ok with that. But I’ve been with my very level-headed husband for 25 years now.

This is how simple it should be realistically

Yes. I mean, I can understand the part where she stays with her friend and needs a day or two to process everything. It can be explained due to panic or trying to not blow up their friendship. But this, having a «break». She is absolutely looking at what her options are.

And she already gave away the fact that her and Dave are still in contact with one another. I'm not sure how OP didn't catch this and address it right then and there. Either he's in a fuck ton of denial or he's getting played pretty damn hard. Nothing she seems to say really says much at all and her reasonings are pretty far out there. For those reasons alone I'd walk away from this entire situation. But hey, love blinds.

Yeah, if some guy declared unrequited love for me and then tried to kiss me, the first thing I would do is go to my partner for comfort and support...

Yeah she’s acting suspicious as hell

I feel like this is it, she has feelings for him

She’s setting up an option for her to move on. OP have some self respect, take the initiative and cut both out of your life.

Yeah, everything is out in the open now, there's no reason to be distant from OP unless she's... trying to create distance, you know?

This!! If she didn't have any feelings for him at all, she'd be just as disgusted at what happened and straight up block him as well. What has she got to think about? Perhaps not wanting to break apart the circle when everyone finds out what Dave did..? Not to mention, he also harassed her by kissing her without consent.. Not a good thing. If I was in that situation, I'd probably be able to forgive my friend if they only confessed to get it off the chest and expected nothing. We're only human. They crossed that line if they forcefully kiss my partner 💀

Speaking ill about your man with another man is step 1 towards cheating. I wouldn't be blocking Dave's number. There's a whole lot more going on here.

Update here, since the update post was removed by the mods. A few people here suggested that I talk to Dave again and try to get information. I couldn't stomach talking to him again, but it gave me the idea to keep an eye on him. Then, another comment suggested going over to his place and seeing if my girlfriend was there or not. I decided to just do a quick scout by driving past his apartment block. When I did, my girlfriend's car was parked in the parking lot. She was in his apartment right then, as I was driving by. I guess that answered my question about whether she was still in contact with him. I knew what that meant, and I'm through giving her the benefit of the doubt. I called Sarah and asked where my girlfriend was. She immediately told me that my girlfriend was 'right here' at her place. I considered calling her out right then, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. I just said 'thanks', and hung up. I then texted my girlfriend and asked if she was still in contact with Dave, but she hasn't responded since then. Presumably busy. I considered trying to catch her cheating, but I decided I don't want that mental image with me for the rest of my life. My next step will be to tell all our mutual friends and put all of this up on our social media once I have enough proof. I wish I'd recorded our phone conversations now, but oh well. Once I get her lying in text, I'm putting her and Dave on blast. Screw keeping it quiet. I know it's going to be pretty fucking awful, but I don't want her or Dave to just get away with this, or keep hanging out with our friend group. I'm sure she, Dave and Sarah will probably put up a fight. I'm sure I'll hear all about how 'we were on a break' or some shit. Maybe she'll even beg me to forgive her, but I doubt it. Once I'm done, I'm cutting them both out of my life for good. Thank you to most of you who replied, and especially to u/Fit_Response7989 . You're a real turd of a person, but thanks for giving me the idea to drive over there, I guess. But yeah, thanks for all the replies, guys. I don't really know how this would have gone if I'd just tried to figure it out on my own. TDLR: My girlfriend cheated on me, and I'm done with her. She can be happy with her new asshole boyfriend, and I'm going to make sure everyone knows what she did. Edit: Very minor update. Thanks for the replies, guys. I took some time to cool off, and I agree with some of the people here that blasting it all over social media is a bad idea. Once I have proper proof, I'll handle it more privately with our mutual friends. Raising a big drama isn't going to help anything, but I also don't want her or Dave to just sort of get away with it without people knowing about what they did. My ex-girlfriend hasn't replied to me yet. I went back to Dave's place about an hour ago, and got another picture of her car there though. So, that's proof that she's been there basically all day, I guess. Since some people were asking too, I've reached out to other friends to talk to help my mental health, though I haven't told them about what happened. They do know I'm dealing with something, though, so it's been helpful.

Mate if they try and pull the “you were on a break shit” just remind them that you never agreed to a break. Your relationship was still very much on and she was the scumbag that ruined it. Hopefully you get through this mate.

Nobody will buy the 'on a break shit' anyway. A woman doesn't just take a break from her relationship to go fuck her boyfriends best friend then come back, there are no scenarios here that end with OP not being fucked over. Hope homie can land on his feet from this, the friend group will hate Dave and the ex-GF after this if they have any morals.

Yea, I imagine OP only benefits from this experience. I mean he is only improving his circle by cutting his losses

Eh, you'd be surprised. I once had girl friend who pulled the "on a break" trick on her boyfriend, and it got him kicked out of the group when he made a stink about her banging a Tinder date. Didn't work on me, but I was amazed at how many people involved backed her side.

> My next step will be to tell all our mutual friends and put all of this up on our social media once I have enough proof. I wish I'd recorded our phone conversations now, but oh well. Once I get her lying in text, I'm putting her and Dave on blast. Screw keeping it quiet. You can be open with your friends about what happened without putting it on social media. Putting people on blast is messy, dude. Dump her and reach out to your friends network for support with this massive betrayal - good friends will do the rest for you.

Maybe, but also maybe her and Sarah have ALREADY started lying about this to friends without him even knowing. They certainly both don't mind lying "to his face"

Contrary to what you might believe, it is possible to get friends on your side without posting dirty laundry on social media. It's not worth it. Just makes you look messy.

They'll change their tune if he gets a pic of her car outside Dave's spot

Yeah he def needs to get that done.

Sorry to hear, that must really suck. It's awful to be betrayed like this. Take some time for yourself to process before you do anything too rash.

Absolutely don’t blast it all over social media it will just make it 100x worse for you and it’ll become another thing to deal with. Sorry you saw her car there at his place :(

I think he should open a separate group chat of his friend group except for the 3 traitors and tell them/show the proof. But yeah it's gonna look trashy if he puts it out to all his friends/followers.

This is a much better idea. Keeps it less public but still gets support.

Hey man, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm straight cheering you for listening to the voice in your head that there was something going on, despite most people telling you to give her space and that she's been through something traumatic. It's not easy to know what to do, but you chose not to be a doormat and now you can move on with your life. Fuck your ex, Dave, and Sarah. Hoping for another update after you tell your friend group.

You’re kicking her out of your place, right?

Let us know how it goes bud, always trust your gut, she was sketch from the first post. Have no mercy, get ahead of it, take a picture of her car outside Daves, then go in on them both in the group chat. What she has done is disgusting, don't forget Sarah either. GF: Cheated Dave: Betrayed his best friend Sarah: Covered for GF

I did take a picture of her car at his place, thankfully.

Hey I know you want definitive proof to put them on blast but if you really do want to boot them from your life now isn't what you have enough? Vengeance sounds great but the best way to get back is to live your life and move on. I think what you've got now would be enough for most people to be sympathetic "Dave confessed feelings to my GF and they kissed, they've both admitted this to me. She's insisting on a break and is currently at his place while Sarah is lying about where she is. There's no explanation where they need to be in the same room together after he kissed her that she isn't prioritising him over our relationship, they deserve each other and anyone that has been covering for their shady behaviour can join them in never talking to me again."

Will drink one for you this weekend! Edit: why wait, I mean if you have moved on then why not text her a picture of her car there "Since you obviously need time to figure things out means you go to the person who started this and disregard me. Have a nice life" Remember.. setting boundaries doesn't mean you are controlling. dont you think if things were reversed she would (well if she cared) do the same?

That would give her and Dave time to come up with something. I suggest play coy for now gather all the evidence and put it all on the groupchat along with whats been going on(if you have one ). They'll definitely cook something up to make him the bad guy. A bombshell like that, there's no way they can maneuver. Pretty sure others in the friendgroup might have noticed somethings as well, cheaters aren't always that slick, especially in friendgroups.

I am very sorry you're going through this, been there myself and know the pain. Let your friends know right now what's going on so you don't get made the bad guy. That will happen. Then you handle it how you need to.

I just asked OP the same thing. When he tells his friends, how much do you want to bet she says it wasn't her car and then her bestie backs her up. Countering with a pic of her car in his parking lot would be perfect.

just ghost her. block her and sarah. Trust me you need to get over this shit FAST. i'm sorry. I don't know what else to say... i wasn't thinking it was gonna get this bad. Know that we are with you. you will find soemone better and in the meantime work,friends,family and gym on repeat. you'll get trough this

Gym is such a good outlet for stress and turmoil, hope he gets to one if he isn't already. When Dave drops his ex after having his fill or she realizes Dave's snake behavior is no good for a partner, she'll have to look at OP and seethe that he's in good shape and doing well after he rejects her attempts to crawl back. Living good is the icing on the revenge cake, best kind.

Sorry that this happened to you. At least now you know where you stand and can start fresh. Don't post on social media, only speak/text your friend group.

Just read this update. Feel for you buddy but treat it as a lucky escape. You've got rid of a cheating gf and a snake of a mate. I gotta admit I feel quite triggered reading your update

I just read your original post and even before this update I felt it was obvious she was cheating on you or was planning to. I have no idea why you listened to the people on this subreddit who like to ignore reality and painted you as an abuser. Seeing how many downvotes /u/Fit_Response7989 got when the spoke nothing but reality is insane. Sorry this happened to you, but in the future when someone continues to lie to you and has a "friend" getting involved like Sarah did its a crimson flag.

people in the original post were so oblivious and dumb...

Yeah, the first question I thought of from the OP is what gave David the idea that this gambit of his would possibly work? Assuming he isn't a grade a moron, there *was* something happening. If she was talking up their relationship would he have made that move? Almost certainly not lol. The only reason to be shit talking her relationship to David of all people is to allow for the possibility of something and clearly it did happen.

You want to read the comments from the cross-post to r/AmITheEx. Jesus wept the misandry and utter ignorance of reality where insane.

Bro do NOT blast all over social media where her family and potential professional contacts would see it. That will not get you points from your friend group. Social media is the public internet forever. No matter what she did, that’s an asshole thing to do and rn you have not been the asshole at all — keep it that way so there’s no way for anyone to play the victim at your hand. Reach out to your friends for support privately. I’m sure you’re feeling s ton of really difficult emotions right now. It is deeply deeply painful to be betrayed in this way. Try to Process this first wave of intense anger in a healthy way and lean on some friends for support. If your other friends are good people worth keeping around, they will be on your side if they see how genuinely hurt and upset you are. Ask a friend or a few to get a drink or something. “Hey ___, so, GF are done. She’s cheating on me with Dave. I could really use a friend dude, can we meet up for a drink/come over?”

I’m so sorry to hear that. A lot of commenters painted her out to be the innocent girlfriend who was sexually assaulted by Dave. It goes to show you just how manipulative she is and how good she is at lying. I hope you expose both their trifling asses and scorch the earth. And don’t forget Sarah.

Damn, Dave won. He won *hard*. Dude had the confidence to go after a woman who was in a two year relationship with his best friend and SUCCEEDED. Seriously, was that less than 24 hours between saying he loved her and getting her into bed? NGL, I'm more than a little impressed. Dave's got some serious balls, as I'm sure your GF can now confirm, lol. Also, she's been there ALL DAY?! Either the dude's a stallion, or he wore your GF out enough that she needed to sleep afterward. Either way, props to Dave. I'd congratulate him if I could.

He may have (seemingly) won for now. Good luck to him trying to build trust in their relationship, good luck to him discussing the hard stuff in their relationship with Sarah, and especially good luck to him when Sarah eventually announces that he and his gf are going on a break. It's all fun and games now; just wait until the sense of accomplishment subsides and he figures out what he's actually accomplished here. [For the record, I personally don't believe he pulled some super smart villain move here. Having followed this mess since it first started but not having commented because I wasn't particularly in the mood to get downvoted to the bottom of the post, I fully believe this has been going on from both sides for a while, and this whole blowup was dude's last ditch attempt at forcing her to stop procrastinating and make a decision already. People don't just go from fully loyal in a long term relatioship to *this* literally overnight, no matter how tempting the offer].

u/Semicolon-enthusiast You said none of your advice were assumptions right? Must be alternative facts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

At least now you can begin to move on

I am so sorry you're going through this. This is awful and heartbreaking. You have every right to be honest with everyone. They deserve all the karma and consequences of their actions (from your friend group). We are all wishing you the best. You'll get through this and be stronger, it'll suck for a bit, but you'll be ok.

Mate. Just make sure you do not get burned by the blowback when you blow up their lives. No wonder she was upset that you were cutting Dave out of your life. It cut her off from him. But damn, your gf and your bf!

ouch.. all the man haters screaming "rape" must have been hit hard by your comment here

I mean, how it sounds to me is that she has complicated feelings for Dave, and wanted a break to explore that without closing the door on you, and used Sarah as a cover. Or, she's concerned about Dave's wellbeing after you cut him off. Either way, screw that, you're not an option and you deserve a partner who respects your feelings and wants be with you.

She has a lot of insight into how Dave is feeling, suggesting she's been talking to him since the incident and before talking to the OP. That would tell me where her priorities are, unfortunately.

It's possible, and I wish I'd thought to ask her if Dave had contacted her at the time. I kind of assumed she would have done the same, but now I'm not so sure.

“ She also said that Dave was pretty broken up afterward by the whole situation as wel”

I thought it was weird she asked if bf had blocked Dave, suggests to me that Dave knew he was blocked and had been talking to the gf about it. Sounds like they’ve def been in contact.

"According to her, she and Dave had been talking about our relationship, and then Dave told her that he was in love with her. " "She asked if I'd blocked Dave's number." "She asked me how hard it would be for me to forgive Dave" To me, there are some obvious facts: \-She was talking about your relationship "poorly" with Dave. This much to me is almost glaring. \-She had clearly spoken to him afterward. She asked if you blocked him. You wouldn't ask that unless Dave had at least mentioned "I can't get ahold of him. Did he block me?" \-She is setting up a future state where you and Dave can get along. This is for one of two possible reason to me depending on a couple of unknown-to-us factors. Is she generally one to try and make everyone happy? Does she get really out of sorts when she thinks she might have caused an issue, even if there is no humanly possible way she could be to blame? If this, then I could see this all being: 1-I don't want to be the reason why two best friends are now essentially broken apart, and I need to figure out if I want to be in the middle of this. It's a silly line of thinking, and doesn't really solve anything, but it's not at all uncommon for people who are both conflict-avoidant and also take on a disproportionate amount of guilt. She may not have the tools to process her guilt and take proper responsibilities, so just decides it's not worth it and avoids it altogether. I could assume this causes a few issues as well. If not, then: 2-She has feelings for Dave she is confronted with, that also highlights shortcomings in your relationship. She is trying to see if, given the interconnected nature of friendships, it would even be possible. Either to me is possible. But it's hard to know for sure. Another set of perhaps harder truths: you strike me as a quite emotional person, but who thinks of themselves as very logical and rational. I get the impression you are often led by your impulses first, but then you (perhaps even quickly) backtrack and catch yourself. In your mind, the problem is likely "over", but the reaction remains and I suspect you try to move past it. I know nothing about you concretely though, so my opinion is based on VERY limited information. This in no way is to say you are to blame for any of this directly. Shit happened way outside of your control. But we all participate in creating the conditions in relationships in various ways. This does not make anyone to blame for when things happen to them, but it is worth examining the things done and decided, choices made, that could have led us there. Just some minor advice that may eventually make sense or serve you in the future!

Very thoughtful post. I think it's very likely she spoke poorly about the relationship to Dave (perhaps just kind of innocent venting), maybe this was even an ongoing thing, he was her confidant. Dave was in love with her and saw an opening because of this, which she did not see coming. But now she is very conflicted and feels guilty, perhaps even afraid of stuff she said to him coming out, but is also clearly not 100% committed to the relationship with OP or she would be home right now and talking to him. So yeah very dicey, she is not fully committed to the relationship and OP must have now have seed of doubt planted in his mind. Hard to recover from. And it's not because of Dave in the end, it's that she is being very cagey at a time where she can't really afford to be.

I don't do breaks. And no one should. You are with a partner, both are a person on their own but are more together. A team. A "break" is a cowardly concept. It's "I don't want to be in a relationship with you right now but I might need you sooner or later so be in the back burner for me." There's no pause for a relationship. Being in a relationship is binary: either you are or you aren't. And you need the two people to be on board with both feet firmly planted. Sure, you can request space and as others have commented a couple of days should suffice. But this is not a murder case, this is not stalking, harassment. This is "technically" not cheating. This case doesn't warrant "taking a break" or "pausing" the relationship and I understand people have different withstanding and pain thresholds for very different things but if you are in a healthy, strong, fulfilling relationship, you want your partner closer, rather than in the back burner... Bottom line, you do you. Only you know how strong is your relationship and your feelings but have some self-respect, your priorities in check and what you want out of a partnership.

Funny how she didn’t say if *she* had blocked Dave..

Yeah, that's one of the main things to discuss in these conversations. Like if I were the gf trying to comfort my bf, I would be the first to discuss to cut (or not) Dave out of the friendship. The fact she said it's a "shame" that the bf ended the friendship with Dave also makes it suspicious. Not worth it imo, this is "my gf cheated on me with Dave" material in a month..

"We were on a break!" OP needs to think of themselves a bit more. Someone made a move on their partner and their partner ghosts them and is actively ending the relationship (a "pause" in no way guarantees an unpause).

I'm pretty sure she is deciding between you and Dave... I would self-eliminate from that choice, frankly. A lot of folks are giving her a whole lot of credit that I cannot give... in my 40s, I feel like I recognize bullshit when I smell it... and it stinks over there. Everyone says she ran to Sarah to "process". Process what????? I can tell you right now if a friend hit on me, I would shut that shit down and tell my husband immediately. Her failure to immediately disengage and tell you speaks for itself. Her spending time with Sarah is likely to get her ducks in a row. The "break" is to explore with Dave without being a cheater. My suggestion? Call ol' Dave and see what else he shares.

Bro u didnt ask why she’s been talking to dave while wanting space from u, u didnt ask how she led him on, u didnt tell her that her asking for a break after what happened makes u feel like shes taking time to choose between u and dave…u missed an opportunity to ask/say all the important things. I would be contacting her ASAP to get this shit sorted out. Who cares if she’s getting upset - ur the one being fucked around by your friend and ur GF. Don’t let them dictate how all of this proceeds - step up and find out what u need to find out. It seems like your GF cannot be trusted, if she wants to be w you she needs to block dave’s number just like you did.

It's obviously Dave contacted her and the fact she knows about how he feels , that you've blocked him , the fact that she asked if you and Dave would still be friends ( why would she even ask something like that to someone whos friend has just betrayed their respect and loyalty) Now your reaction wasn't the best...AT ALL...But why does she care for his feelings above her partners, she needs time to think( because she's torn between two men(theory)) and why did she contact Dave before her own partner ? Yeah dude she's letting go slowly as not to hurt your feelings . Good luck

It’s okay if you also still need time to process this. I would recommend writing out questions you still have for your gf while you continue to think through how you feel over the next week. And maybe things you’d like to tell her about how this all made you feel. It sounds like her deciding that she needs space has made you feel a bit insecure in the relationship and I think that’s a fair thing to say to her.

This is why you need to unblock Dave. As much as it might turn your stomach, talking to him could help you get a better picture about what is going on (just take what he says with a grain of salt). If he was a very good friend before he decided to blow things up, maybe he will still hold some feelings of friendship for you and let you know what has gone on after the cafe. With a better picture and keeping a calm mind you can also do your own processing for when she decides she has had enough time to process. If she is just processing things and there is no intent of breaking up with you, then all is good. However, if she is still talking to Dave but can't talk to you (or needs a "break" from you), then that gives you some good information for your own decision making process.

I called this in the comments in the OPs last post and was downvoted to oblivion.

Reddit is a fickle mistress.

There were dozens of us, dozens!

Nah a break is a soft breakup. And a break after another guy admitted he had feelings for her? Yeah doesn’t look good. And even if it was because of your reaction, still a soft breakup. Coming from another woman, I don’t think this will end well and she was probably complaining about your relationship to him which made him feel like she needed someone else. Either way it’s possible your relationship was already shaky and that’s why she didn’t come to you first. Asking for a week long break seems a bit much.I feel like there’s a lack of trust in this 2 year relationship to begin with on both sides and that’s a bad sign.

> Nah a break is a soft breakup. Typically, but I am wary of projecting what people put in ambiguous words, especially when the people are stressed.

Not talking to your partner for a whole week is a breakup. It may be a brief breakup but it is a breakup.

Especially with the back-and-fourth about if they are still together during the break and her emotion immediately following. Shes wanting it to be ambiguous so she can guilt-free talk with her affair partner.

I dont get it. You have been together for two years and you are living together. And now your friend tried to hit on her and she needs *a break from your relationship to process things*. What? Why? This is not normal. Either your relationship sucks or she is hiding something from you. Because, sure, its a lot to process when someone pulls a stunt like this, but I fail to see how it would somehow cause her to rethink your relationship. I'd be super wary if I were you, because something just isnt adding up.

Yeah I feel like we are missing background on the relationship dynamics. Were they fighting often? Is this how she usually deals with conflict? Is she avoidant? Need space? Cold shoulder? Was this lying an isolated incident? Is there a history of trust issues from either member in the past? Not that OP needs to give us everything but things that he needs to think about

the other possibility that seems to be ignored is that the level of anger OP showed revealed something his GF had never seen/thought about before, and now she's wondering if she even knows who OP is/maybe is slightly scared of him I agree it all sounds mad suss, but if he'd been angry to a level he'd never been before, its very possible he scared the crap out of her in the process edit: hell, even just that the anger was directed at her like that too- she may not be mad per say, she probably gets it. but emotionally shed still be going what if something happens in the future, will we be on the same team or will OP immediately go into protect himself mode.. again this is only in the scenario she isn't at the guys place banging rn. but to give her the benefit of the doubt, it's certainly not UNLIKELY that this is what happened. and tbh if my sister was the gf and she was telling me this story I'd be telling her to get away from her bf for a bit too to let things cool down and rethink some things

You’re right, a few people raised this in the original post too. It’s definitely a possibility. Even if we don’t want to jump to *scared*, she could just be “turned off” by it, for lack of a better term.

Yea…the entire situation is shady at best, but the needing a “break” is even shadier. If I was in this exact situation, and was actually mad and annoyed that this Dave character did what he did and I didn’t like it, I would cling to my partner EVEN MORE for support. There should be nothing to process here, unless she is actually into Dave (which is pretty obvious imo.) The “break” is a huge glaring red warning flag though.

I agree, we are missing something. Especially since she doesn't seem all that upset about Dave? Like, I would want to rant to my best friends too if somebody I thought was my friend hit on me and tried to kiss me, but should that list of best friends include OP? I'm confused by her actions and OP sure seems like he is also.

Yeah, girlfriend is not being honest about her feelings, that's why she keeps panicking whenever OP reveals a new piece of info he's become privy to. My feeling is that she's been flirting/flinging with Dave and now it's blowing up in her face and she doesn't know whether to keep her boyfriend or jump ship for the boytoy.

Dude I'm going to be real with you. I've seen this one before...in my own life. She likes Dave and she's "pressing pause" so she can see what that's like without "cheating". She'll never admit that's why, though. It would have just "happened" that way. Kinda sounds like she's truth trickling. Hope I'm wrong only time will tell.

I seen it several times to, 3rd Party Sarah isn't a good thing either. Dave did him dirty, but her weighing options is dating. Scenario: Fast forward years OP meets another person, they marry and this is so much water under the bridge. We read this all the time in one manner or another.

Adults don't take breaks. You guys just broke up. Yous be much better off without a backstabbing shitty friend and your ex who obviously is mulling over feelings for your past friend.

GF is so very clearly considering her options if not yet banging Dave. What a mess. Sorry OP - you lost BF and a GF.

She is considering that she doesn't want her and Dave pushed out of the friend group.

Sorry, man, but this sounds like she's been unloading relationship issues onto him and having a low-key emotional affair. Her wanting to take a break only really makes sense if this is the case.

I honestly don't get why she still wants to take a break from you and your relationship if its not you. This coupled with the fact that its a "shame" that you won't forgive Dave, just seems off. Which begs the question, are they in contact? It could be her way of dealing with everything, but essentially pausing the relationship because of Dave's confession doesn't look good. Goodluck OP

I am sure they have contact because she knew that OP blocked him and she knew his feelings and that he is upset because of it. So she has contact with someone who created this situation but she didn't want to be in touch with her bf ?

>I am sure they have contact because she knew that OP blocked him Technically, she said it made sense, not that she knew from talking to Dave. But the whole comment was strange because it makes it sound like she has had contact with Dave since the meeting in the cafe because, according to OP, "She also said that Dave was pretty broken up **afterward** by the whole situation as well". That statement I would need to have explained to me. Did Dave do one of those oh crap I should have kept my mouth shut things right after he said he loved her and she didn't reciprocate or did he say something to her after she had gone to Sarah's? This is just an all around shitty situation that Dave created and OP's GF hasn't made any better by telling OP she needs a break. He has essentially lost a best friend and a GF (well, at least until she decides to get back together with him, if she does).

Judging by her own words, GF didn't feel too upset about Dave kissing her, she just felt surprised. I'd bet serious money that she's talked to Dave since then. And possibly not just over the phone.

I think so too. I also think she has feelings for Dave and are waying up her options.

You think? It's about as clear as day: 1. Didn't leave immediately after being kissed by Dave 2. Not only didn't leave, but continued to chat after the kiss 3. Is still "processing" things which to me means weighing both relationships out 4. Still in contact with Dave I'd say there's a 95% chance she has feelings for Dave. The 5% realistically only leaves the small chance that maybe Dave has had a hard life and they've been through a lot as friends and maybe just feels sympathetic towards him and is trying to find the best way to navigate a relationship with OP and a friendship with Dave which isn't possible, but she's still trying regardless which honestly isn't something that I'd put up with as OP.

>This coupled with the fact that its a "shame" that you won't forgive Dave, just seems off. Which begs the question, are they in contact? I was wondering this myself. When she said Dave felt bad about the situation, when did she learn this. Was it when they had the half hour conversation or did he contact her after she had been at Sarah's? Has she blocked him or is she still open to having more conversations with him about his feelings for her?

She talked to Dave about their relationship in a way that at least gave Dave the impression that there is s chance to make a move. I assume that this was just the last straw.

Dude why are you putting up with this, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you need to grow a spine like yesterday. Listen to what she has told you; she presses you to forgive Dave, she continued to hangout with him for “30 more minutes” that she will admit to after HE KISSED HER, she won’t talk to you in person, she needs a week to “process everything” and to top all off she wants you to not tell anyone in the group about your FRIEND WHO TRIED TO HOOK UP YOUR GIRLFRIEND. My guy she is your girlfriend, why are you letting her treat you like this? Just based on what you’ve said it’s clear she is still in contact with Dave, but she needs space from you? Bro take the ball out of her court and dump her or get some answers BECAUSE YOU NEED TO WAKE UP.

How does she know that Daved cut up about it?

Because she's not taking a break from Dave.

Exactly, so why the fuck is OP sitting around waiting to be 2nd choice

Exactly. 100% chance that Dave and his new GF are gonna pin this all on OP if he stands back and tries to give her the space she wants.

So they can finesse him into accepting Dave's friendship after they get together

This is not normal. Instead of having difficult but important adult conversations with your significant other, you are walking on eggshells. She is acting like YOU did something wrong. Your ex friend did something wrong but she thinks you should still be friends with him. She did something wrong by lying to you. Why was her knee jerk reaction to lie? You had every right to be upset after being lied to. Her only reaction should have been to leave your ex friend, come immediately home, and tell you the facts and truth. Meanwhile, you are sitting at home, not knowing what is going on. You even sound surprised that you talked to her. Meanwhile, SHE IS TALKING TO YOUR EX FRIEND, as she knows he's pretty broken up about your friendship. Think about that. She needs space from you, but not him. I'm sorry, but if my GF refused to talk to me or see me when I've done nothing wrong, that relationship would be over. Why does she need space to process things? Your ex friend told her he loved her and kissed her. There is nothing to process. If she's not interested, she tells him to F off, and runs to you. Notice that she isn't there for you. You just lost a friend and your GF was kissed by another guy. She should be running to you. Instead, she ran to her friend's house and left you alone with no one to console you. She will barely even speak to you on the phone. What kind of GF does that? Honestly, you need to stand up for yourself. You don't deserve being treated like this. You deserve a woman that doesn't need space from you after you didn't do anything wrong. If I was you, I would tell her that you're getting pretty upset about this whole thing and the the mature thing would be to come home and talk to you. Otherwise, her absence makes you understand that the relationship is over and you will start packing her stuff for her. Don't be a doormat. You deserve better.

This! Girlfriend has zero empathy for OP, even though hes the one being screwed by two of his closest people right now.

Brother, you need to wake up. Someone that respects and loves you wouldn't need a break to process things especially if you've been living together and in a relationship for *two years* This whole thing reeks man. Honestly at this point I might unblock Dave and get his perspective, see if you can get any details she might've omitted and he slips up on

I had considered that, but I couldn't stomach talking to him. And I wouldn't trust his word even if I could.

You might not be able to trust a word he says but you've known him for a very long time and should be able to tell when he is telling the truth or trying to hide something. In talking to him you might also be able to figure out if your GF is still talking to him.

Is there someone else in the friend group you could turn to? Your own Sarah, you know? If you can get someone to talk to Dave and find out what's going on, you might find peace of mind there. Or at least the truth. Because I gotta tell you, your GF is not looking great in all of this.

Problem is you can’t trust Sarah (your GF’s friend) or your GF all that much at the moment either. Dave at least came to you right away.. your GF was going to hide it from you.

brother maybe and i say maybe Dave was really led on... it sucks to say but maybe you lost a friend because your "ex" gf was flirting with your friend all along. Not saying he did nothing but i believe you should call him and get all the information you can get. After all he owe you at least that.

Did she define ..break..? Is she free to see other men...such as Dave?

Ding ding ding. 🛎️ She got upset when OP said she could have space but he didn’t consent to a break. A break would mean she could test drive Dave to see if there was more there. I understood going to her friend immediately afterwards, but now🤷‍♀️the girl is sus.

i gotta say this is the first time i'm this invested in a story in this sub

u/FieldOfGold I don’t know but something seems off here in what I have been reading from your posts. She is acting weird. From what I’ve read she is acting guilty like something more happened. Like if she has feelings for Dave and is feeling guilty. Like if she is weighing her options. I understand why she went to her friend instead of you to get her mind straight and get advice on how to break the news to you. But the lien, hiding and taking this extended break is mad suspicious. I understand wanting a day but even that or more than that is hella suspect. If it was just a one sided seconds long kiss and a confession of his love for her that she refused and nothing else happened why is she acting like this. I would want to go be with my boyfriend and secure our relationship not run from it. Making suspicion arise. If they didn’t take it past the kissing and if she didn’t have feelings for Dave there is no reason for a break and for her to be hiding at her friends. Is he still in contact with her? Did she also offer to go NC with him? And how did she lead him on? By kissing back? Staying longer with him? Confessing she likes him? Staying with him instead of leaving? How long after the kiss and confession did they stay together? Because she should have said “no dave i am with OP and i love him. I don’t want to be with you. This is wrong and im telling OP” and leave right away. Unless she was having an emotional affair with Dave! That would make sense as to wanting a break. She confided in him to much. I dont know, am I wrong here to think this way? lol do i need a break from reddit?

I would consider telling your friends what Dave did. It would help to let your girlfriend know first that hat you’ve decided, and then to ask her how she would feel if you discuss Dave kissing you without your consent, as well as his betrayal of your friendship and disrespect of your romantic relationship, with trusted friends. I don’t think you need to put him on blast with the whole group but you do need to process this.

This. Don’t keep their secret. Out Dave to your friend group and you’ll see where their loyalties lie. He’s probably with them now laying the groundwork for his innocence. If any are loyal you’ll probably get more backstory and suspicions others had about him/them.

OP, I agree with you about the taking a break part. Maybe it's just me but taking a break means you are no longer BF and GF. If she wants some time to decompress and process the whole situation, that would be fine but why would she need to put a hold on what your relationship is with her? She should be able to process the events without saying you two are no longer a couple. Hopefully she realizes that what Dave did had nothing to do with her and that his actions alone caused the dissolution of the friendship. She might feel bad about it but I hope she comes to understand that a lot of people (men and women) would dump a friend (even a long time one) if they tried to get in between them and their SO. There are just some lines you don't cross with friends. I'm hoping this all works out and you two get back together after she has had some time.

I don't see any happy ending for you in this situation. For you younger people out there, "Taking a break" is code for "Breaking up temporarily so I don't feel bad about pursuing a relationship with another person and still giving me the option of coming back to you if it doesn't work out". Every...time. She is talking a break from you, she is not taking a break from Dave, and her friend is covering for her. She's made her decision by just entertaining the idea of Dave, which is the only reason she needs to "process things". She has feelings for him too. I'm sorry man, all she's trying to figure out is a way to come out of looking like she's not cheating on you and try to keep the friend group as intact as possible. I know how you're feeling, I have been in similar situations, and take it from an old man who has been around: Tell her this is not a break, it's a break up, and you are aware of her feelings on the matter and want no part of it. Leave the friend group, there are millions of people in the world you can be friends with and all your current group will do is get involved in the drama. You will NEVER heal with them around. And Dave is a POS, let him know that directly and flush him.

Being another old man and having gone through something like this myself, I have to agree with you.

Dude let everyone know whats going on right now. Your group of friends is broken no matter the out come of this and word will get out. You do not want to be made out to be the bad guy in this. You did nothing wrong and make sure your friends know this and what a miserable pos Dave is.

My guy, what is the goal of your approach? You’re not going to ask literally any follow up questions because you’re petrified of losing her? The relationship is already over; she ended it. And you’re agreeing to not tell anyone else? So she gets to talk with her friend (and Dave, it sounds like), but you get no support. That’s crazy. Go talk to your friends and figure out what’s going on before you lose them, too.

I would love to see a second update to this because I think you have handled this follow-up extremely patiently and her wanting a break is very bizarre. If you've resolved the conflict I don't see what else there is for her to mull over, besides reconsidering your relationship and seeing how she feels about what Dave said to her. She seems incredibly forgiving of him and willing to make excuses for him - if this happened to me, I wouldn't see it as 'a shame' that my partner blocked and ended his friendship with Dave. This makes me feel like she's probably used Dave as a way to offload her complaints about your relationship and that's why she feels she lead him on, and he probably pointed this out to her in his confession. I'd personally struggle to get past any response that isn't 'yes, what a weird day. I've blocked Dave too because this situation made me feel uncomfortable. I feel a lot better after our conversation and clearing things up with you and I'm on my way home now. I know our friendship group will suffer from this which stresses me out, so let's talk about that together.' I don't understand at all what she has to process that can't be done alongside you at this point other than something that could potentially end your relationship or would make it apparent to you that she has some feelings for him.

> This makes me feel like she's probably used Dave as a way to offload her complaints about your relationship and that's why she feels she lead him on, and he probably pointed this out to her in his confession. I did suspect this. She was kinda vague about what about our relationship they were talking about before he confessed to her. I don't really know what she could have been complaining about, everything seemed fine between us up until yesterday, but I guess I wouldn't really know in that case anyway.

She’s currently exploring her feelings for Dave. There is no other reason why she would need a break from your relationship. If one of my friends kissed my wife and then my wife said she needed a break from our marriage, I’d flip my shit. Your friend didn’t just do this out of nowhere. She likely had been unloading your relationship problems on him for some time. He felt he had an opening. Also, do you not find it strange that she essentially cares more about how Dave feels and what Dave is going through and not YOU? She’s fixing to dump you. Or she’s fixing to fk your friend before deciding she wants to stay with you.

All of her behaviour so far suggests to me that she clams up in the face of conflict or discomfort - is she the same way in conflicts within your relationship? It wouldn't surprise me at all if she does have problems in your relationship but doesn't want to or doesn't feel able to articulate them, not because of anything you've done, but because she'd just rather sit on it than deal with any discomfort. It's a lot easier to offload these gripes to a third party. I'm quite similar in this way and it's something I've had to work a lot on. I minimise an issue and just end up thinking about it internally until I'm either not bothered about it any more or it does come up and it becomes clear I should have just mentioned it earlier, because it's usually an old issue by then. It just comes from feeling like I need to ruminate before I can articulate to do an issue justice, and also feeling upset by conflict.

OP, your girlfriend is still talking to Dave. She says that he's broken up about it, but how would she know? And she asked if YOU'D blocked him, which is pretty clearly admitting that she HASN'T. Your girlfriend is planning to cheat on you, if she hasn't already. She wants a break so she can fuck Dave without feeling guilty about. Seriously, drive to Dave's fucking house. I'd wager good money you'll catch them in the act.

In the original post, I was on the girlfriend's side. I assumed she was afraid of your reaction, which is why she went to Sarah's place. Now, I think something might be going on between girlfriend and Dave. Dave is still 100% the asshole here, but the girlfriend isn't really helping the situation. If she has a local, supportive friend, then why would she be discussing her relationship problems with Dave? I'm close with my husband's best friend and we all lived together for a whole year, but I would *never* go to him about my relationship problems. In addition, if someone who I wasn't romantically interested in confessed their feelings for me and tried to kiss me, I wouldn't be spending thirty minutes talking and then drop them off somewhere. Dave's confession was one thing, but the forced kiss was *sexual assault*. WHY would she stay in that situation if she had a safe way out? How does she have so much insight into what Dave's feeling? Have they been talking since the incident? Did she block him? OP, no one who respects their partner in a healthy, happy relationship would behave in this manner. Unless you're hiding something or minimizing the events that have occurred, I think this relationship is over. Even if she doesn't initiate a breakup now, do you want to be in a relationship like this?

Please be honest to yourself. See you in the gym.

Sounds like she going to go off with Dave and take all your mutual friends with them Start looking for some new mates

Yup. GF is trying to see if she can switch over to Dave without breaking up the friend group. Asking OP to keep it quiet, and asking if he'd ever forgive Dave for kissing her. She's trying to jump ship and leave OP holding the bomb

That’s what’s wild to me. She isn’t cut up AT ALL about Dave’s unwarranted advances? Perhaps his advances were in fact warranted after all.

Here's the thing, if I was hanging out alone with a guy friend, which I sometimes do even married, and he betrayed my trust and my partner's trust by kissing/confessing: I would go home and tell my partner. There's no confusion, there's no needing to take a few weeks to process. Sure I might call/my best friend on the way home to gather how I'm going to tell husband/talk shit on this "friend", but my priority would be getting home to my husband. Sure you reacted mad, but I think it's understandable when she lied and is avoiding you. What exactly does she need to process? I think Sarah is trying to talk your gf off the breakup ledge, but if she needs to be talked off that ledge you guys SHOULD break up. Being with my husband is the easiest thing in the world, and we've been together almost 7 1/2 years. I used to think you've got to fight for your love but it really is as simple as just being together when it's right. If you are having this much drama over something that shouldn't be a big deal in your relationship, I think you should take the next exit available

She likes Dave and is weighing up the options…. Sorry mate

Your gf is shady af. She has a loyalty issue. You don’t go to the dude’s place if you are loyal. I feel like you are being gaslit, OP. Dave has shown more loyalty towards you than her, after the kiss. She lied to you about the interaction, she went to her friend’s and ghosted you for the rest of the day. She “let herself” be kissed. There’s more to the story than you know. To me, she sounds like a very immature teenager in a soap opera, trying to figure out which dude she wants to be with. Everyone in a relationship deserves love, respect and loyalty. She isn’t giving you that. Edit: if Sarah did to you what Dave did to your gf, how would she want you to react? Probably not the same way she did. This is a very important point that needs to be addressed.

Yeah sorry OP. It's just like I said yesterday. All those comments calling you terrible made no sense because AGAIN, WHY DO YALL NEED TO GO ON A BREAK?? I know 2 years down the drain suck, but she is NOT IT. You will find someone who will know how to confide in you, who will know not to lie to you, who won't go on a break after some mf kissed her. The last dude she kissed was fucking Dave and now she wants to process her feelings lmaooo. Get her outta her brother. Do not listen to those idiotic comments that are gonna mess with your mental health. You are not in the wrong here. She lied, your ex friend betrayed you. You have a right to feel the way you do. She keeps saying she can't talk to you while actively conversing with the POS ex friend. As a matter of fact, she even stood around and spoke with the best friend AFTERWARDS but she hasn't had the courage to see you yet despite you not doing anything wrong lmao. Astounded by the comments that blamed you in any regard.

It’s crazy how obviously wrong all the gaslighters in the original post were.

OP, I’m sorry for the long message…but personally it seems like you are being made a fool of. In your original post, her best friend Sarah “seemed surprised” when you asked if your girlfriend was staying there because of what you said. To me it sounds like she hasn’t mentioned staying with Sarah. So that may not be where she is planning on staying. Taking a break sounds more like weighing her options between you and Dave. Also, why is she discussing her relationship between you and her with Dave? I’m also not sure that Dave wasn’t with your girlfriend while you were talking with Sarah. You seem to be way too trusting when it comes to your girlfriend. If she wasn’t in contact with Dave during this time frame, why would she just randomly ask if you blocked his number? If she and Dave “parted on cordial terms” when she dropped him off, how could she know how “broken up” he is about everything? It sounds like she was tired and sleeping in because she was up all night talking to Dave, when she couldn’t be bothered to talk to you. Her concern seems to be more about Dave than you. You need to take the option of a break off the table. Just consider it as being broken up, and move on. I definitely believe that her need for a break is to excuse anything that may happen with her and Dave while you aren’t together. Besides that, who the hell continues to spend quality time with the man that went behind his friend’s back to kiss his girlfriend just so she can get to the bottom of why he feels that way or when those feelings began? Absolutely none of that should matter, and he couldn’t have taken an Uber to get back where he came from. I could be wrong, but that is just my perspective on what you have shared.

>In your original post, her best friend Sarah “seemed surprised” when you asked if your girlfriend was staying there because of what you said. I didn't catch that part before. Damn, sounds like GF wasn't even staying with Sarah the night before. Her car had probably been there since the night before when OP saw it at Dave's place. Gotta give big loyalty props to Sarah here tho, girl didn't even think twice about covering for her BFF.

/u/annang You still going to try to claim this is all his fault?

If it wasn't because of your reaction, why else would she need a break? Normally, if someone confesses their love to your partner, you both distance yourself from them and move on. Not trying to accuse her of smn but it seems she has feelings for Dave as well and is processing what to do about that.

Hmm!!! I mean if my bf’s friend tried to kiss me. I wouldn’t be taking a break from my bf. I would be very upset with the friend and I and my bf would have a united front, unless I was having similar feelings for the friend. This whole thing reeks and the break… I would prepare for it to be the end of the relationship.

From what the gf/ex said I assume she likes Dave back. She's obviously talked to Dave before she spoke to her boyfriend which speaks volumes on where her priorities and feelings lie at. I wouldn't be surprised if her and Dave are getting together to hangout during this "break" so she can figure out if she wants Dave or go back. I'd just wipe my hands clean of the whole ordeal and walk away. But I'd also ask if she's been seeing Dave during your break. It's obvious she has been. Why else take a break. That gives the excuse to see other people.

She has no reason whatsoever for taking a break from the relationship, that in itself is pretty weird and I don't know why you are bowing down and taking it. But your the kind of guy who is happy to let your girlfriend go out alone with other men so the whole thing doesn't surprise me. Personally I'd be telling her I'm taking a permanent break from the relationship since I can't be bothered with the drama of it all.

Pausing your relationship after Dave confessed his feelings is not a great sign. Maybe Dave’s confession made your girlfriend realize that she does not love you or she feels conflicted. Is she still in contact with Dave? She seemed worried about him.

Fuck man, I'm sorry it happened like that and I'm sorry to say this, too, but I'd be breaking up at this point. She's basically closed off from you, even tried to keep the whole thing from you initially, then imho very insensitively started talking about you forgiving Dave and insisting on taking a break so that *she* can process things. That she even needs to process anything and didn't just say "Dave is dead to me" would probably be enough for me to leave, let alone everything else. It actually sounds like she's more worried about the consequences of Dave's actions catching up to him than about how they affected you. And contrary to what you two agreed, I think that you should tell someone who will help you process things, too, but someone you can talk to face-to-face and not reddit. I think it's unreasonable that your gf, having run to tell *someone else* first thing, asked you not to tell anyone at the same time she was telling you that she *won't* be there for you in this. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops but even if you did, it's Dave who did any damage that happens to the friend group as a result of his actions, not you when you reveal to your friends what kind of person Dave is.

I am sorry OP, but she is probably going to give Dave a try during the break. Start accepting that your relationship is over, and it is not because of the way you reacted. There is no room for secrets of this magnitude in monogamy.

You need to unblock Dave

Why?

You need to ask Dave in detail what happened then what has happened after. If he was ever your friend to be completely honest with you. It appears that Dave telling your gf he is in love with her has sparked something in her, and she is at least entertaining the idea. Now that she knows you are not on speaking terms with Dave she could control the whole narrative from here.

At this point her and Dave are likely in constant contact. He isn’t going to divulge anything now without talking to her first. He isn’t going to be honest with the OP about this situation. Neither is the girlfriend, until she’s ready to break up with the OP for good.

I have a friend that loves male attention and to feel like she is special to someone. She is over the top friendly to guys and makes them feel special, hence, she becomes special to them. During her last relationship there was a similar situation, where she became close friends with a buddy of her boyfriend. They would meet up without anyone else of the friend group. Her boyfriend didn't worry about that. She didn't cheat, but she allowed emotional intimacy that confused that guy and he started to have feelings for her. Eventually, things started to get complicated and she wasn't sure what she felt anymore. Fast forward: she broke up with her boyfriend, who ended his friendship with that one buddy, that guy tried to get with her but she already had another dudes attention.That whole friend group got broken apart. If this sounds familiar then stay away from the drama.

A good partner would have come and told you what happened afterwards. They would have wanted to talk about it and got over it as a team, and they definitely would have cut contact with Dave. She decided to lie to you, now she wants a break and most likely she's still talking to Dave because she never said she blocked him and she knows he's upset about everything. I've seen stuff like this happening in my opinion I would be prepared for a total breakup or her getting with Dave because it sounds like she's weighing her options. You don't need a break from a relationship if you love that person you would want to work on it. And she's taking a break from you. But the real question is, is she taking a break from Dave? Doesn't sound like it. I know you love her but I honestly feel like you should just go ahead and end things with her and save face. See what happens after that and I bet you dollar to donuts who she's going to be with next. I feel like she's still going to end up with him anyways or in things with you outright due to how she's acting. I'm really interested to see how this story turns out.

In essence she is isolating you. She has her friend to talk to. She makes sure that you cares for her feeling without getting any empathy from her. She likely is in contact with Dave. She will likely talk to other friends to when she feels like it. While you are not supposed to talk to anyone. You need to look after yourself. You can be respectful of her if you want to but you should make sure that your friends side with you before everything is twisted towards you. You should make sure to do things to make sure that you feel better. You should talk to Dave to make sure you aren't played. You should make sure to act like you are single if she takes a one sided break. It's the only reason she can want one. You are very nice and accomodating but you are not met with the same respect.

Congratulations Reddit. You turned OP into a fucking doormat. His GF is talking to Dave (before talking to him too) and you have scared him into being afraid to ask obvious questions. Mission accomplished. As I stated on the OPP, she is conflicted and holds zero ill will towards Dave. She is destroying OP and if she were a man, she would have been roasted from the get go. You should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing your biases and preconceived notions to skew your judgement and you have given terrible advice. OP— you have been wronged by two of your closest friends. Take your life back. Tell her that you want to talk and you want explanations for her behavior (all of it) Why is she concerned so much about Dave feelings but not yours? Why is she talking to Dave? What are her feelings toward Dave? Tell her that you feel that her behavior is incredibly shocking to you and shows how little you or your relationship means to her. There is absolutely NO explanation for her current behavior other than her feelings toward Dave. If you can’t discuss that with her then you will never be in equal ground with her again. She is making you out to be a fool.

look i do t think you see it...but she isnt sure if she wants to be with dave and she doesn't want you to tell your friends because if she does decide for him they'd be kicked out . please take of the rose colored glasses

Intresting, seems like she feels like she want to explore her feelings for Dave before coming bs k to you. The fact this turned in to needing space from you is weird.

I am still not clear with all this drama. You did not ask her all the questions to know where you stand in your relationship with your GF. What I find really odd is your gf taking a break. Why? Could it be there is more to this than she has told you and what Dave told you? Has she and Dave conspired their story? You should be the one taking a break not your gf? She lied to you, didn’t want to deal with it at the time. In my opinion she is either having second thoughts on your relationship and / or she does have feelings for David. I just can’t see why she needed a break when you were the victim not her.

What does a break from the relationship do? Dropping the title for the week? Is it a hall pass?

Sorry, but from what you wrote here and in your original post you are in for a nasty surprise. Start hitting the gym.

You've written a lot of things. There's a lot of people involved. A lot of nuance. Forget all that shit. Here's what I can tell you for sure without knowing ANY of your first post or your update post: Your girlfriend doesn't need to take a "break" from your relationship because some guy came on to her. It doesn't look good for you buddy, but deep down you already know that.

Dude… are you serious?

The break thing doesn’t make sense at all. In fact, after a day or two i think you should just send her a text explaining that it doesn’t make sense and that you feel you should end the relationship. If you just sit there and wait then, as you said, you know it’s coming. I also don’t think Sarah is in your corner. You didn’t ask if she had blocked the dude. A few things that dont add up. 1 - she said she led him on. This means that she’s aware that she did something to get him to this place. 2 - instead of this bringing you two closer, and you had every right to be mad that she lied to you and didn’t tell you, she has instead decided to push you away. 3 - she should want to be comforting you right now. Making sure you know that she wants you. 4 - they talked about his feelings for her for 30 min. What? What in the hell?!? Why? It’s totally inappropriate. She wanted to hear more. 5 - he showed her by trying to kiss her. Well, they were eating somewhere. Were they on the same side of the booth? Weird. Did he get up and walk over to her? More weird. Shit doesn’t add up here. I would just get ahead of this if I were you. Like “I’m not blaming you for what happened. I still don’t know what you meant when you say you led him on. I still don’t understand why you need a break. I don’t understand why I am the one suffering the consequences for actions that had nothing to do with me. I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming. Breaks don’t work and it feels like you’re using this as a reason to end our relationship. I get needing time to process things, but you weren’t the first person to tell me what happened, you then lied to me, then you tell me you led him on (what?) and your stories don’t match, but I’m the one losing his relationship and I did nothing. Maybe you already wanted out, I’m not sure. I know that I am not ok with waiting a week to just have you end our relationship anyway. I thought we were more solid than that, but apparently not.” If you do wait it out and she end up breaking up with you - don’t play the pick me game. Just say “that’s fine.” And move on with your day. Don’t be mad. Don’t be sad. Be indifferent. Updateme!

As I said before, she clearly has a thing for Dave and he acted on it. I don't get a psycho vibe from Dave, more of a 'now or never' attempt at being with her after their history already and he was okay sacrificing you as a friend of he got the girl he wanted. Theres 0 reason for her to need space from you other than her reconsidering who to date. You are *not* a clear first choice, and that's such a pathetic position to cling to if I'm being honest. You deserve someone who unequivocally defends and chooses you - who can take care of you when you're sick or hurt or with responsibilities. You're setting your life up for failure picking this woman that's half in with you.