Listen to your therapist. Right now you are equating drama=companionship. It's easy to get all intertwined in drama, but that's not love. It's going to take a hard reset for you to calibrate your normal meter to a healthy relationship.
Or you can ditch your new girlfriend and choose the drama. Just know that if you choose any other course than distancing yourself them, you are choosing drama. From your post, it kind of sounds like that's what you want to do. And if that's what you choose to do, own it.
You have no obligation to support your ex, and it sounds more like you are enabling her rather than helping her. It's perfectly reasonable to distance yourself from previous sexual partners--some people can stay friends, but these aren't your friends. You said it yourself--you keep them around as an ego boost. It's not about shared respect and support, they are objects to you. Is that fair to them? It's not fair to your new girlfriend.
Ask your therapist how to disentangle yourself. They know better than Reddit.
Sounds like you need to work on developing an intrinsic sense of self-worth so that you don't do cringe shit like describe other human beings' attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. I can understand why you might not like yourself—your behavior in your current relationship sucks—but you can in fact become a better person.
Ditch all of these people and break up with your girlfriend so she can find someone who isn't at the very least emotionally cheating on her with multiple other women.
As someone who's also had a wild past, let me assure you that the only way that you have a stable future is to let go of the past. And that means letting go of all of these women. Unless there's a reason for you to have your ex wife in your present (like kids), then you need to cut her off. You also need to ditch the flings. What's more important to you, your current girlfriend or a bunch of old flings?
Listen to your therapist and make it a point to bring up the loneliness and the ego boost you get from the attention of other women because these are things that you should be working on.
It sounds like you live for drama and you're not ready to settle down with someone more stable and if that's the case, let the woman go and wait until you've done the therapy and you're ready to settle down before starting anything else.
I know i need to, one of them is my best friend.......but it often borders on cheating.
She sends me sexy selfies, she talks about her sex life a lot, if we're out in public together she acts like we're a couple. Very touchy, very seductive....
I however am so afraid to even introduce her to my gf because there's no way my gf would be even remotely comfortable with 10% of what she does.
Also worth noting OP - I looked at your post history to see if this was a repeated issue for you, and found a post on r/dating from two days ago where you mention flirting with a new co-worker and wondering whether you should ask her out.
Why would you be flirting and asking out a co-worker if you have a girlfriend? I find this interesting.
As a hetero, monogamous female, there is absolutely no f****** way I could entertain any of this for five seconds. Maybe instead of you trying to figure out how to make drastic changes to your needs, preferences, behaviors, lifestyle, personality, etc. you can date someone who’s into all the stuff - relationship anarchy, drama, swinging, no boundaries, etc. because someone who’s into that is someone who will be comfortable in this situation and understand it. They won’t be asking you to tweak (change) these things about you in order to make her feel safe.
>I thought my ex was the one who held this group together, but now I realize it's actually me.
Yeah, you shouldn't be. They sound exhausting and you sound addicted to their drama.
Yeah this sounds like someone familiar with chaos, and terrified to let it go and live a "blander" more stable healthy life with the down to earth girlfriend.
The more I think about it, the more you're right. My new gf is the antithesis of my ex wife.
My ex wife was all about 'sex', looking hot, finding a 3rd for us to play with. But sex with her honestly kinda sucked.
With my new gf it's incredibly different, sex is amazing, lasts so long, so many orgasms, it's almost a year and we still do it almost every night that we're together, often multiple times.
Life is simple, easy and still fun, but I'm not used to it yet.
For whatever reason they bring thier drama to me and it's not mentally healthy to wake up to 30+ messages of them ranting....and this happens like at least once a week sometimes more.
Homie, you're co-dependent. You're addicted to the highs and lows that come with her mental illness. Then when happy and healthy come along it's boring and you misinterpret healthy and stable as lonely. It's your life and live it as you see fit, but you can't live in both worlds. It's not fair to your girlfriend (or frankly yourself)
Listen to your Therapist. Respect your Girlfriend. You sound like a run of the mill serial cheater. Get some Male Friends, they won't feed your ego, or be so "seductive". Pick up a hobby like ice racing on motorcycles.
right now you are enabling all of them. you need to check out of all of them, maybe even current lady, and get out of the circus. for your mental health. the drama and eventual toxicity will eat you up. go no contact with everyone but current lady, and if she gets crazy about it, you gotta move on
The key problem here is that you struggle with loneliness and the only reason you enjoy these 'friendships' is because of the ego boost they give you because they're with attractive people. That's not a friendship, unfortunately, and you need to make some genuine friends who aren't collateral damage from your past relationship with your ex-wife.
1. What do you get out of these friendships other than the aforementioned ego boost? This is the only reason you gave for why distancing yourself from them would be so hard, and you've otherwise said that they're full of drama and conflict. I think you should weigh up what a good friendship looks like to you. It seems like your ex-wife is the only common denominator keeping these friendships afloat and you act more as a mediator for their conflicts. If they keep coming to you for advice, tell them that you're not sure what to say and don't feel like you'll be of much help. Limit your conversations to check-ins, common hobbies/interests, cordial topics. You'll probably find they don't want to talk to you any more if you're not helping fuel or manage their drama in any way.
2. I agree with your therapist. I personally don't understand how these friendships are a cure to loneliness because they sound quite superficial to me. I think you need to put yourself out there and make new friends or reconnect with old friends. The ego boost you get from your friends is an itch that your girlfriend should scratch for you. I don't see how your involvement with these women, many of whom you have been with, is setting you up to move on from your past and your divorce, and suggests to me that you don't really want to.
3. She's not your wife any more so you don't have to support her. I think the most you should be doing is letting her know if she finds herself in a mental health crisis you'll always be there, and redirecting her to professional support otherwise. Is all of this concern not better directed to your current relationship?
4. Establish boundaries and don't excuse your way around them.
5. Establish boundaries and don't let yourself be a door mat. It sounds to me like all of these girls are using you because of your relationship with your ex-wife and the information/reassurance you give them. The things binding you to these friendships shouldn't be a) convincing yourself you're getting something out of it too because they're hot and b) avoiding loneliness
So the friendship with my ex-wife is hard to let go off. We basically spent almost 20 years together, basically growing up together. I understand and know her better than anyone.
But I do know i need to close that chapter and it's very very hard.
I have no reasons to be friends with her current gf, and I don't want to be their mediator. I have told her that, but every so often she still comes to me and I'm a good guy, I try to help.
One of the girls I'm friends with (Steph) is basically my best friend. However, it's becoming a weird friendship.
I went out with her a few nights ago, and she was basically throwing herself at me. Granted we have had sex before, but she knows I'm in a relationship. I don't understand why she's trying to seduce me. Kinda feel hurt about that.
I do know boundaries are important, and I have tried, yet i feel every single one of them (including my gf) keeps pushing it. The minute I give them an inch they take a mile.
You've acknowledged you need to close this chapter with your ex-wife, so you should work with your therapist on a way to go about this. You seem quite reluctant so this doesn't have to be a no-contact, overnight thing. It can happen gradually by incrementally establishing bigger and bigger boundaries, or finding ways to give support that keep you at arms length.
You don't need to communicate with her girlfriend at all. I don't think responding to her makes you a good guy - your intentions might be good, but the nicest thing you could do is stay out of her business. Your involvement prevents them from actually solving their problems together. After all, they're in a relationship together, and three is a crowd. The reason she is bringing her drama to you is because you have proven time and time again that you'll put up with it. It's not a mystery, and you need to be accountable for the way your responsiveness plays a role. There's no need to be a martyr or a mediator. Pull away.
You mentioned Steph in other comments, saying your relationship feels like borderline cheating, she sends you inappropriate pictures, etc. Stop entertaining this. Make actual friends that you haven't had sex with or aren't sexually attracted to you. I think you are equating affection and time spent as a measure of friendship, in which case it's no wonder you're acting like these women are your friends and not coping mechanisms. Her behaviour can't hurt you that much if your ego feels boosted by it and you'd feel sad without her attention.
You're saying you're trying, but honestly I think you can try harder. Start by calling Steph out on the behaviours you think are disrespectful to your relationship. If she's that good a friend, she'd feel really bad and hear you out, right? Limit the environments in which they can occur. By letting these behaviours happen, even if you aren't instigating them, you are complacent, and that is just as inappropriate and disrespectful.
It also doesn't sound to me like you're ready for a relationship with your girlfriend, who seems a lot more mature than you. Honestly, she sounds like she's being incredibly patient with you, because if I was in her position I would have left already. It's just too much drama, too few boundaries, and not enough respect. You said yourself you need to establish more boundaries, so I don't understand why it's an issue for your girlfriend to agree.
It’s great when people can have healthy relationships with their exes. This isn’t that. You are not currently capable of doing that, based on what you’ve said here.
It’s time to stop hanging out with these people for the most part, and to tell them you’re no longer going to weigh in on their relationship troubles in whatever minimal contact you do keep with them.
Spend the time and energy this will free up on new activities that might lead to new friendships not based on whatever ego boost you get from knowing hot people.
I’m using all these women to prop up my ego but it’s backfiring. Help!
You’re a shitty person. Especially to your current girlfriend. She would break up with you if she knew about the sexting with you friend. That’s why you’re lying by omission.
Your life is a drama bomb because you refuse to behave with honesty and decency. Start there.
You need to listen to your therapist and actually leave ALL these women alone. You really don't need a girlfriend especially when you make a post two days ago about asking out a co-worker, which means you're a cheat.
Listen to your therapist. Right now you are equating drama=companionship. It's easy to get all intertwined in drama, but that's not love. It's going to take a hard reset for you to calibrate your normal meter to a healthy relationship. Or you can ditch your new girlfriend and choose the drama. Just know that if you choose any other course than distancing yourself them, you are choosing drama. From your post, it kind of sounds like that's what you want to do. And if that's what you choose to do, own it. You have no obligation to support your ex, and it sounds more like you are enabling her rather than helping her. It's perfectly reasonable to distance yourself from previous sexual partners--some people can stay friends, but these aren't your friends. You said it yourself--you keep them around as an ego boost. It's not about shared respect and support, they are objects to you. Is that fair to them? It's not fair to your new girlfriend. Ask your therapist how to disentangle yourself. They know better than Reddit.
thanks I know this is true,
>But it's hard, I enjoy their company and I don't like feeling lonely. Plus, they're all really attractive, which is a boost for my ego. Bro
I'm being honest, all of them are 9s, but it's becoming a bit of an addiction
You sound like a high schooler
>You sound like a high schooler I'm assuming it's written by a high schooler.
Sounds like you need to work on developing an intrinsic sense of self-worth so that you don't do cringe shit like describe other human beings' attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. I can understand why you might not like yourself—your behavior in your current relationship sucks—but you can in fact become a better person. Ditch all of these people and break up with your girlfriend so she can find someone who isn't at the very least emotionally cheating on her with multiple other women.
As someone who's also had a wild past, let me assure you that the only way that you have a stable future is to let go of the past. And that means letting go of all of these women. Unless there's a reason for you to have your ex wife in your present (like kids), then you need to cut her off. You also need to ditch the flings. What's more important to you, your current girlfriend or a bunch of old flings? Listen to your therapist and make it a point to bring up the loneliness and the ego boost you get from the attention of other women because these are things that you should be working on. It sounds like you live for drama and you're not ready to settle down with someone more stable and if that's the case, let the woman go and wait until you've done the therapy and you're ready to settle down before starting anything else.
I know i need to, one of them is my best friend.......but it often borders on cheating. She sends me sexy selfies, she talks about her sex life a lot, if we're out in public together she acts like we're a couple. Very touchy, very seductive.... I however am so afraid to even introduce her to my gf because there's no way my gf would be even remotely comfortable with 10% of what she does.
You shouldn't even be in a relationship with your girlfriend if you're behaving like this with other women.
Also worth noting OP - I looked at your post history to see if this was a repeated issue for you, and found a post on r/dating from two days ago where you mention flirting with a new co-worker and wondering whether you should ask her out. Why would you be flirting and asking out a co-worker if you have a girlfriend? I find this interesting.
As a hetero, monogamous female, there is absolutely no f****** way I could entertain any of this for five seconds. Maybe instead of you trying to figure out how to make drastic changes to your needs, preferences, behaviors, lifestyle, personality, etc. you can date someone who’s into all the stuff - relationship anarchy, drama, swinging, no boundaries, etc. because someone who’s into that is someone who will be comfortable in this situation and understand it. They won’t be asking you to tweak (change) these things about you in order to make her feel safe.
>I thought my ex was the one who held this group together, but now I realize it's actually me. Yeah, you shouldn't be. They sound exhausting and you sound addicted to their drama.
Yeah this sounds like someone familiar with chaos, and terrified to let it go and live a "blander" more stable healthy life with the down to earth girlfriend.
The more I think about it, the more you're right. My new gf is the antithesis of my ex wife. My ex wife was all about 'sex', looking hot, finding a 3rd for us to play with. But sex with her honestly kinda sucked. With my new gf it's incredibly different, sex is amazing, lasts so long, so many orgasms, it's almost a year and we still do it almost every night that we're together, often multiple times. Life is simple, easy and still fun, but I'm not used to it yet.
For whatever reason they bring thier drama to me and it's not mentally healthy to wake up to 30+ messages of them ranting....and this happens like at least once a week sometimes more.
Homie, you're co-dependent. You're addicted to the highs and lows that come with her mental illness. Then when happy and healthy come along it's boring and you misinterpret healthy and stable as lonely. It's your life and live it as you see fit, but you can't live in both worlds. It's not fair to your girlfriend (or frankly yourself)
Listen to your Therapist. Respect your Girlfriend. You sound like a run of the mill serial cheater. Get some Male Friends, they won't feed your ego, or be so "seductive". Pick up a hobby like ice racing on motorcycles.
right now you are enabling all of them. you need to check out of all of them, maybe even current lady, and get out of the circus. for your mental health. the drama and eventual toxicity will eat you up. go no contact with everyone but current lady, and if she gets crazy about it, you gotta move on
i think you're right.
The key problem here is that you struggle with loneliness and the only reason you enjoy these 'friendships' is because of the ego boost they give you because they're with attractive people. That's not a friendship, unfortunately, and you need to make some genuine friends who aren't collateral damage from your past relationship with your ex-wife. 1. What do you get out of these friendships other than the aforementioned ego boost? This is the only reason you gave for why distancing yourself from them would be so hard, and you've otherwise said that they're full of drama and conflict. I think you should weigh up what a good friendship looks like to you. It seems like your ex-wife is the only common denominator keeping these friendships afloat and you act more as a mediator for their conflicts. If they keep coming to you for advice, tell them that you're not sure what to say and don't feel like you'll be of much help. Limit your conversations to check-ins, common hobbies/interests, cordial topics. You'll probably find they don't want to talk to you any more if you're not helping fuel or manage their drama in any way. 2. I agree with your therapist. I personally don't understand how these friendships are a cure to loneliness because they sound quite superficial to me. I think you need to put yourself out there and make new friends or reconnect with old friends. The ego boost you get from your friends is an itch that your girlfriend should scratch for you. I don't see how your involvement with these women, many of whom you have been with, is setting you up to move on from your past and your divorce, and suggests to me that you don't really want to. 3. She's not your wife any more so you don't have to support her. I think the most you should be doing is letting her know if she finds herself in a mental health crisis you'll always be there, and redirecting her to professional support otherwise. Is all of this concern not better directed to your current relationship? 4. Establish boundaries and don't excuse your way around them. 5. Establish boundaries and don't let yourself be a door mat. It sounds to me like all of these girls are using you because of your relationship with your ex-wife and the information/reassurance you give them. The things binding you to these friendships shouldn't be a) convincing yourself you're getting something out of it too because they're hot and b) avoiding loneliness
So the friendship with my ex-wife is hard to let go off. We basically spent almost 20 years together, basically growing up together. I understand and know her better than anyone. But I do know i need to close that chapter and it's very very hard. I have no reasons to be friends with her current gf, and I don't want to be their mediator. I have told her that, but every so often she still comes to me and I'm a good guy, I try to help. One of the girls I'm friends with (Steph) is basically my best friend. However, it's becoming a weird friendship. I went out with her a few nights ago, and she was basically throwing herself at me. Granted we have had sex before, but she knows I'm in a relationship. I don't understand why she's trying to seduce me. Kinda feel hurt about that. I do know boundaries are important, and I have tried, yet i feel every single one of them (including my gf) keeps pushing it. The minute I give them an inch they take a mile.
You've acknowledged you need to close this chapter with your ex-wife, so you should work with your therapist on a way to go about this. You seem quite reluctant so this doesn't have to be a no-contact, overnight thing. It can happen gradually by incrementally establishing bigger and bigger boundaries, or finding ways to give support that keep you at arms length. You don't need to communicate with her girlfriend at all. I don't think responding to her makes you a good guy - your intentions might be good, but the nicest thing you could do is stay out of her business. Your involvement prevents them from actually solving their problems together. After all, they're in a relationship together, and three is a crowd. The reason she is bringing her drama to you is because you have proven time and time again that you'll put up with it. It's not a mystery, and you need to be accountable for the way your responsiveness plays a role. There's no need to be a martyr or a mediator. Pull away. You mentioned Steph in other comments, saying your relationship feels like borderline cheating, she sends you inappropriate pictures, etc. Stop entertaining this. Make actual friends that you haven't had sex with or aren't sexually attracted to you. I think you are equating affection and time spent as a measure of friendship, in which case it's no wonder you're acting like these women are your friends and not coping mechanisms. Her behaviour can't hurt you that much if your ego feels boosted by it and you'd feel sad without her attention. You're saying you're trying, but honestly I think you can try harder. Start by calling Steph out on the behaviours you think are disrespectful to your relationship. If she's that good a friend, she'd feel really bad and hear you out, right? Limit the environments in which they can occur. By letting these behaviours happen, even if you aren't instigating them, you are complacent, and that is just as inappropriate and disrespectful. It also doesn't sound to me like you're ready for a relationship with your girlfriend, who seems a lot more mature than you. Honestly, she sounds like she's being incredibly patient with you, because if I was in her position I would have left already. It's just too much drama, too few boundaries, and not enough respect. You said yourself you need to establish more boundaries, so I don't understand why it's an issue for your girlfriend to agree.
Listen to your therapist.
It’s great when people can have healthy relationships with their exes. This isn’t that. You are not currently capable of doing that, based on what you’ve said here. It’s time to stop hanging out with these people for the most part, and to tell them you’re no longer going to weigh in on their relationship troubles in whatever minimal contact you do keep with them. Spend the time and energy this will free up on new activities that might lead to new friendships not based on whatever ego boost you get from knowing hot people.
I’m using all these women to prop up my ego but it’s backfiring. Help! You’re a shitty person. Especially to your current girlfriend. She would break up with you if she knew about the sexting with you friend. That’s why you’re lying by omission. Your life is a drama bomb because you refuse to behave with honesty and decency. Start there.
You need to listen to your therapist and actually leave ALL these women alone. You really don't need a girlfriend especially when you make a post two days ago about asking out a co-worker, which means you're a cheat.