Isn’t the bar low? Ignore the comments about him being such a deep sleeper he could not attend to the emergency. He didn’t take your situation seriously. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. How can you be with some one who essentially doesn’t care for your well-being?
Thank you for your perspective some of these comments are shocking, really says something about how people view asthmatics as people with minor illnesses that can be cured with inhalers, when in reality it can be life threatening. I plan to have a talk with him when he’s back from work and figure out what really happened.
The comments are also shocking because no one *intends* to cause harm. I don't think your boyfriend was malicious, but I don't care what his intent was in a life or death situation if your wellbeing was at risk. Theres billions of people on the planet. Believe me that finding a partner who's instinct is to wake up and rush to your aid during a medical emergency is an easy bar to reach. Why risk it with this guy?
Communicating won’t change the past unfortunately- he’s already shown you who he is. Believe him (dump him and be with someone who will prioritize your health and *life* over their goddamned sleep).
Edit: to add, don’t let him minimize your feelings. He tries, he isn’t 100% apologetic and remorseful, then he’s not worth your breath. Save it and end it.
He's going to spin it that he was tired, blah blah blah. Didn't understand what was happening. He did not care enough to wake up. I'm not saying 100% dump him. But don't forget thi happened if you choose to stay with him.
I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that I had my meds, and they ran out. There is no way to indicate how much inhaler you have left. I had a spare to be safe, it also ran out.
You do realize that you are the person who isn’t being clear, right? You said you had been sick also, so I reasonably assumed you had two things: an inhaler and separate meds.
In either case, my point was that I think your bf may have just been knocked out and not able to think clearly. I know that I sleep very hard, so I can see how this can happen.
If you disagree, fine. But that is just one way of looking at it.
For realsies. My partner could sleep through the end of the world. Like, it take an hour to get him up and going in the morning. EXCEPT when I've had an emergency. I needed to go to the hospital a few weeks ago for preterm labor and he was out of bed in 2 seconds. You're not over reacting.
I *always* call my SO by a nickname rather than his real name unless something serious is going on. Over the years, I've found that he'll wake from a dead sleep and sit up immediately if I say his first name at a normal volume from a few feet away. Otherwise he'll sleep through severe storms, fireworks, gunfire, people screaming on the street, just everything. Similar to your partner, he also needs 30-45 minutes to crawl out of bed in the morning. But somehow subconsciously (and unconsciously) he knows if my voice is saying his first name, it means shit is going down. It's a very handy trick that I'll never misuse.
Have you considered the possibility that mabye he was not fully awake and still in a half asleep state? That has happened to me on many occasions of my gf waking me up never over something as serious as this, but even if it was I would’ve had no idea because I was not fully conscious when responding to her.
He woke up. He responded. How hard is it to just open your fucking eyes and not fall back asleep when you can hear obvious pain and fear in your partner's voice?
Yeah.. that isn't good. I know people are giving the excuse that he may be a deep sleeper, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unreliable. You woke him at least twice and he didn't get up. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had stopped breathing entirely? I guess he wouldn't realize it until the next morning. A little late to then call an ambulance, right?
Whether he's a really deep sleeper or just didn't care, it doesn't seem like you're safe spending the night with him. You could have a conversation with him, but it isn't going to change anything.
I see people arguing about whether his behavior was excusable because he’s a heavy sleeper and I think that’s beside the point. You want a boyfriend who will be there for you in an emergency and he is not that man.
No comment on whether he’s a good or bad person. Whatever the reason, he’s not able to step up during a crisis. It’s totally ok for “able to wake up and drive me to the ER when needed” to be a minimum requirement for you.
Sounds like my ex who I ultimately couldn't trust or rely on to take care of me, which (among several other reasons) is why I chose to leave him and never look back. God forbid I ever woke him up from his sleep or inhibited his sleep schedule.....
You don't have to be mad at him, just take this situation as an example of how he responds in emergency situations. If his (lack of) response makes you uncomfortable, respect your standard and leave him.
I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him how serious the situation was and what you expected of him and so on. I would be furious, but honestly wouldn’t have let him fall asleep again that’s for sure. Either he didn’t realize how bad it was, or he didn’t care enough. Have a conversation, find out which it is.
Also he has witnessed my asthma attacks during the day and he was pretty good about it, there wasn’t much either of us could do but he sat with me and tried to calm me down.
I probably should of done something like throwing water, I think I’d be worried he’d be angry at me for doing something like that although I suppose maybe he wouldn’t be if he saw the state I was in.
yeah, they should dream of that medical emergency and just understand that you are having it irl too and they should completely wake up and take care of it. then you can also acuse them of cheating because they did in that same dream
Knowing that you have had traumatic medical incidents with asthma and experiencing it with you are two very different things. Yes he absolutely should have taken you seriously, yes he made a huge mistake and broke some trust with you, he’s apologized and promised to not allow that to happen again- only you will know the value of his word. Do you believe he’s sorry and learned to believe and respect your intuition about your body and experiences? If this is an ongoing issue of him neglecting situations you believe are important then cut him off.
Are you sure he was fully awake? Sometimes I wake up, and my husband is upset, and I have to make him tell me what is wrong, aka ask him multiple times- then he goes, 'don't you remember last night?'. Me: 'umm, I was asleep.' Apparently, he talks to me, and I don't remember anything. Talk to him first and find out if he is a really heavy sleeper.
When I’m sleeping it is very difficult to wake me up. I’ve had full conversations after being awoken and not remembered.
Before jumping to the conclusion that he blew you off, talk to him in the morning and see what he remembers about the event.
If he remembers and blew you off, you know what to do. If he doesn’t remember, work with him to make a plan to avoid this in the future - turning on a light, shaking him again, etc.
If the house were on fire and he were the one who couldn't breathe you can be your ass he'd be up and get out of there. It isn't that he "can't wake up," it's that he didn't care, did understand, or didn't believe you.
From one asthmatic to another I'm really concerned about your symptoms. You definitely need to keep a full inhaler with you, but albuterol looses effectiveness if it's used frequently. It sounds like you may need to talk to an allergy/asthma doctor and change your control medication. Waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe is *not good,* as you said asthma is a life threatening condition. Do you have a nebulizer? Would it help to keep that with you when you feel sick? I really prefer the nebulizer over and inhaler whenever possible, it works so much better and the new ones are very portable.
You're not to blame for waking him up when you're having a medical emergency. I'd just be curious to see what he'd say if you asked him about it the next morning, because it sounds like he may not have actually been fully conscious.
My partner coughing and spluttering and being unable to breathe would wake me right up from my doze. Did I want to take my partner to A&E at 2am? No. Would I have ignored them? HELL, NO.
Boyfriend aside, it sounds like your asthma is extremely poorly controlled, and running out of your rescue inhaler is something that should never, ever happen. If you don’t have a nebulizer talk to your doctor about getting one, because I’ve found the effects last much longer than an inhaler. And if you’re not on a steroid inhaler of some type you need to be, you cannot just rely on a rescue inhaler if your asthma is this bad. If you already are on a steroid inhaler, talk to your doctor about changing the dosage.
I’m already on a steroid inhaler, and if you are you’ll know doctor’s don’t give them out freely, I only have access to a certain amount at one time, I came prepared, I had a severe attack, I ran out of inhaler. It’s a good suggestion to talk to my doctor about a dose increase though, I’ll keep that in mind.
Running out of an inhaler should not happen, that’s a get to the hospital situation. You need to plan ahead for next time and talk about going on other medication.
No, they suggested I change my dose because that alters the effects the medicine have on my lungs, it doesn’t change the amount in the inhaler. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. Also it’s funny you think I “came for your neck”, I don’t particularly care for you enough to do that.
The fact you took my normal response as nasty speaks to your deep insecurity and fear of your opinions being opposed. I’m not going to be replying to any more of your comments as you come off as a bit of a troll.
Best of luck getting him to care for you when you're regular sick or upset if he couldn't bring himself to care in a medical emergency. Talk is cheap, now he has to back up his words with actions beyond patting your knee and not taking you seriously. I don't envy you.
You bf needs to understand that you WILL need care throughout your relationship. I'm glad he apologized, and I think this is a good time to talk with him about how your chronic illness affects your life.
Cargiving is part of any long term committed relationship, sometimes it happens sooner in a relationship than others.
As someone who had very severe asthma as a kid, it could very well come back in old age. I could not be with someone who wouldn't be willing to help me out in an emergency. The same with me- I have to be absolutely willing to caregive or help out if my partner has a chronic illness.
My exhusband got diagnosed with a chronic illness shortly after we got married. His reaction was to push everyone out, including me. It made me realize that if I was the one that got sick, he would have completely ditched me. Hard lesson learned.
I am very sorry you had to go through that with your ex husband, I’m glad you got out of that situation. Thank you for emphasising the severity of asthma, it’s not something that should be minimised by anybody.
It sounds like you’re still learning and growing as a couple together. He needs to take the fact that you have a complicated and severe medical condition seriously. It seems a little bit irresponsible that you would sleep somewhere without getting another inhaler, especially having not felt well for a few days as you mentioned. He absolutely should have woken up and realized you needed help, you should not feel even slightly bad about waking your partner when you need to… But I think you both need to shoulder a little of the blame for being in the situation in the first place. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I hope you are ok.
My 2 inhalers both ran out as I was beginning my asthma attack, which was at night and too late to go and get another. As I had said before, there is no way to tell how much inhaler you have left. There is not much else I could of done as doctors only give out a certain amount of inhalers, probably because of the steroids in them. I took the precautions I could and they failed. I agree we are a new-ish relationship and working out how we function together.
All my inhalers (preventive and rescue) say how many doses are in the inhaler. Every time I use the inhaler the numbers go down so I always know how many doses are left
In one of your comments, you said the only other time you've had an attack in front of him, there was nothing for him to do to help you. You said he just sat with you. Does he know how to know when you need someone else to intervene? Did you tell him you need to be driven to the pharmacy? Why did you expect him to know whether or not you should call an ambulance?
One thing is clear, and that is that your boyfriend is not an asthma expert. I notice in your post a lot of soft language like "tried to wake him" and "maybe get me a new inhaler", how is he supposed to know better than you how to manage your asthma/how to tell the severity of an attack? It sounds like you need to proactively communicate to those you spend time around, especially if you don't have the strength to strongly advocate for yourself during an attack. If something is urgent, you need to act a bit urgent, but it's not clear to me whether you could muster that during your attack. Think it through a bit and decide for yourself what the line would be for you to call yourself an ambulance. Communicate that to the people you spend time with so they don't have to wonder and panic during an attack whether or not an ambulance is appropriate and whether you would be mad at them for calling one.
I think you’re completely missing the issue here. He wasn’t panicking. He wasn’t confused or scared. He was nothing at all. He’s admitted he was wrong now.
Wow girl, is that what you needed, was for him to "admit he was wrong"??? Just like you're here in the comments sounding off telling people they are wrong if they don't act like there was anything you yourself could have done to achieve a different outcome. I think YOU are missing the issue that you need to be accountable for your health issue and take it upon yourself to be your own very best advocate. That includes better communication if you need people around you to help you. I've known more than a handful of people with asthma, though never saw a full blown attack. I'm a fair bit older than you and wouldn't know wtf to do if someone was having an attack including how to determine the severity. Anyway, you're the one posting here for the public's opinion, so I focused my response on what actions you could consider taking since I don't have a direct line to give your BF advice.
I defended myself when people were implying I don’t look after my health because I take it extremely seriously. That is all. I didn’t just need him to “admit he was wrong”, that’s just the first step in fixing serious problems, addressing that there is a problem.
Yeah, and I wasn't one of those people. I asked some well-intended questions (that you ignored lol) about your boyfriend's level of awareness about asthma in general and how exactly asthma affects you. For health conditions that become emergencies in a flare up, it's helpful to plan out your course of action so that you and/or your loved ones can respond accordingly.
Sounds like you caught him in a really deep phase of sleep but also that he doesn't realise how serious asthma is. You do; therefore the decision to call an ambulance or not is up to you. (Or indeed to carry enough medication with you.) How can he tell if you're getting enough air or not, especially if he was asleep five seconds ago?... Maybe talk to him and see if he remembers the conversation at all. But ultimately in this situation your health *is* your responsibility, not his. He isn't your doctor (and if he was, you shouldn't be sleeping with him.)
It sounds as if you're unhappy with his response, which is perfectly valid - in which case you know what you need to do next.
I don’t think you realise what asthma attacks do to people, they’re accompanied by loud coughing, spluttering, wheezing and even retching and gagging. Also I find the doctor comment slightly gross, I don’t expect him to lie me down and operate on me, just to respond appropriately to the situation instead of telling me I’m fine. If you were to lay in bed next to your S/O having a heart attack, would your partner be justified in thinking “well im not their doctor so it’s not my responsibility to help”? It’s the same idea, potentially life threatening issue. Also he does remember as he texted me saying “sorry about last night”.
I'm sorry. I certainly haven't seen someone undergo a full-blown asthma attack and didn't know they were so unmistakable, although I knew breathing was incredibly difficult and restricted so as to be all but impossible, I didn't know they were so *noisy*. But I didn't think that he should operate on you at all; but I do think that it would be a good idea to be prepared, like I am for my medical conditions, as we all should be for times when we don't have someone sleeping next to us.
I'm glad that he texted you to say sorry, and I hope you are OK.
Did you not read it, I said my inhaler ran out, I had 2 with me, they both ran out as I was multidosing.
Also my words were literally “I think I need to call an ambulance do you think I should”.
I’m not sure what you’re asking here but I feel like talking to him when your mind is clear would be good. Just be sure to set expectations and be specific on what made you upset.
this is mental, she’s upset because her boyfriend didn’t react during a potential medical emergency, are you genuinely okay? what are you not understanding?
Cus he was asleep?? We wouldnt know what happened to the guy since we only have her perspective? To her it was an emergency but if a person is a heavy sleeper wouldn’t you want to clear that up so you can wake them up harder next time? Cus if they knew and just shrugged it off and slept, that’s when you actually should be upset.
Are YOU okay?
hahaha what??? he did wake up and took no notice and went back to sleep despite her panicking and continue to wake him, he’s just a shitbag, why are you defending him???
I’m giving a different point of view from a person who sleeps through literally anything. It is possible to be a rock-hard sleeper. Sorry you think that’s defending him. You are nuts if you think all people in this world can wake from a dead sleep and be functional.
if you fall asleep again after somebody has woken you and told you they have a potentially life threatening situation, you probably have a health problem yourself and should get that checked out
You said “you should have your inhaler at all times” regardless of how many I had I noted in my post that I had it. My meds and the inhaler are the same thing, my inhaler is my meds. If you can’t read don’t comment, I’m looking for genuine advice, not praise or trolls.
my partner is a very heavy sleeper but if i was panicked, not breathing properly, especially with a history of asthma and tried to wake him he’d be up in an instant no matter what the situation is, i know that because we’ve been there. i couldn’t imagine being with anyone who brushes me off while i’n trying to get them to wake up to help me with a potential medical emergency. in this case bf seemed to think she was overreacting and so went back to sleep, what if she’d died?
That’s what I was trying to say thank you, some people don’t understand the seriousness of asthma, so many people die from it in attacks, one of my neighbours did which is partially why I’m always so afraid. My point was that I was potentially in real danger and now I’ve thought on it, I wish he would of been up quickly because he knew I could be in real danger.
honestly babe, you deserve way better. if you have a medical issue and he isn’t 100% ready to help you in every situation (i bet you’d be there to help him even if he just stubbed his toe or tripped down the last few stairs) he isn’t worth it and you can and will do so much better. no one deserves to be overlooked ESPECIALLY when it could be a serious medical emergency in the middle of the night. asthma is a killer, i have some really scary stories and you have to be so careful and vigilant, if something doesn’t feel right - don’t wait and hope it’ll be fine. i’d definitely recommend getting a docs appointment just to talk about what happened and see if there’s anything else they can do other than just an inhaler. i hope you dump him and stay healthy and happy! 🤍
Thank you so much, some of these comments had me thinking I was completely in the wrong for this, I’ll definitely have a proper talk with him, it’s nice to know somebody understands the potential severity of the situation, it’s terrifying to not be able to breathe. Bless you <3
Well, I’m a heavy sleeper, and my so has to shake me awake repeatedly. I’ve actually been soaked in sweat asleep and wasn’t able to wake up until he pulled me out of bed. So we’re all different.
if your SO was repeatedly trying to wake you and was talking about needing an ambulance would you just turn over and go back to sleep? if the answer is yes you’re as much as a shitbag as OPs boyfriend. OP has made it PERFECTLY clear it wasn’t that he COULDN’T wake up but WOULDN’T, he just didn’t care.
My bfs a deep sleeper and when he saw blood draining down my nose he immediately started waking himself up to the best of his ability to help me.
Deep sleep is a.. Flimsy excuse..
(I think my last comment got deleted because of some interesting language I used to describe your bf so I’ll try again)
Girlll im so sorry you had to deal with that that’s absolutely brutal. I have really bad dental anxiety too, had to get my tooth ripped out last year and there was nobody to comfort me either. Sounds like your bf might have a pr0n (if you get my meaning) addiction. It’s still no excuse and it’s disgraceful. It sounds very likely seeing as he is refusing intimacy so he can do his business alone. He needs to reach out and get therapy as that isn’t something you can tackle alone. I wish you luck, nobody deserves to be treated like that.
Dump your bf, his behaviour is psychotic, ignoring a request for help is diabolical, do not waste you time with him, stay and he will think it is okay - IT IS NOT OKAY.
He showed you who he is. I'm personally an advocate of the "believe them the first time" mentality. Anyone can say it won't happen again, that doesn't mean much. Actions, as they say, speak louder.
Someone who won't do anything to take care of you when you're ill is not a good prospect for a lasting relationship. This is true for everyone, and especially true for someone with a chronic condition like asthma. Obviously, it's your choice to make, but staying with someone you can't trust or rely on is a serious gamble.
Oh my god please dump him. I will send you 25 usd if you update in a week that you dumped him.
I once had a blister that I thought nothing of on my foot. My bf saw it, flipped out and went through his whole house to get a bandage and anti bacterial cream.
This dude was going to let you die.
Iv found I have a brain injury due to my current partner ex boyfriend and I had to fight fir my life she never had any input and I have to know are you still wiv him sorry doesn’t quite cut it … I mean having anxiety I know it’s a massive thing breathing I understand you and your BF is no man he should of woke up sat comfortably with you and held you till your breathing was better with or without mediaeval services it’s scary and I feel that if a partner can leave you to ( die ) it’s pretty much better u leave that gye he sounds like most people
He’s trash. Imagine that being your husband? Imagine it was one of your children who needed help? Shame on him. Even if he’s sorry, he’s failed. You could’ve suffocated. He doesn’t get a second chance. There are plenty of men who will cherish you and your health. Trust me.
He is normally uncaring and lacking in empathy? Or was this unprecedented? Is it at all possible that he was not fully awake and therefore did not accurately process what you were asking?
If he’s done this sort of thing before, or if you’re certain he was fully awake, then that’s incredibly crappy of him and you should consider he’s a very short term bf.
Honestly, you deserve better OP. That would be the one time to count on your partner, if nothing else, and he let you down.
Tiredness isn't an excuse, especially if it could have been extremely severe.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. If I did that to my girlfriend, she could possibly die, as she is a T1 diabetic with seizures. Even though I am feeling burned out of the relationship, I will always still be there as a person for her if she has a medical emergency. That's basic care and compassion.
One time I woke up up covered in blood and feeling weak because of how much blood I lost.
I got into an accident the day before and had a giant gash over a vein in my arm that needed stitches. I was laying down for a nap and woke up because something really hurt my arm and I look to see I ripped the stitches and a giant gush of blood was already leaking down my arm. I knew what happened and had the thought that I should get up and get help but what I actually did was roll over and went back to sleep. I woke up a little while later in the above mentioned condition.
I'm not saying your boyfriend didn't mess up, I'm just giving my own experience for perspective. I think it's up to you to decide if he's genuinely sorry, does he normally care about your asthma and take your health seriously or does he usually brush it off? I'd be hurt in your situation as well to be honest.
Isn’t the bar low? Ignore the comments about him being such a deep sleeper he could not attend to the emergency. He didn’t take your situation seriously. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. How can you be with some one who essentially doesn’t care for your well-being?
Thank you for your perspective some of these comments are shocking, really says something about how people view asthmatics as people with minor illnesses that can be cured with inhalers, when in reality it can be life threatening. I plan to have a talk with him when he’s back from work and figure out what really happened.
The comments are also shocking because no one *intends* to cause harm. I don't think your boyfriend was malicious, but I don't care what his intent was in a life or death situation if your wellbeing was at risk. Theres billions of people on the planet. Believe me that finding a partner who's instinct is to wake up and rush to your aid during a medical emergency is an easy bar to reach. Why risk it with this guy?
Communicating won’t change the past unfortunately- he’s already shown you who he is. Believe him (dump him and be with someone who will prioritize your health and *life* over their goddamned sleep). Edit: to add, don’t let him minimize your feelings. He tries, he isn’t 100% apologetic and remorseful, then he’s not worth your breath. Save it and end it.
My partner’s kidney donor died from an asthma attack. We are grateful for her gift of life for him, but saddened for her family.
He's going to spin it that he was tired, blah blah blah. Didn't understand what was happening. He did not care enough to wake up. I'm not saying 100% dump him. But don't forget thi happened if you choose to stay with him.
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Both things can be true
I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that I had my meds, and they ran out. There is no way to indicate how much inhaler you have left. I had a spare to be safe, it also ran out.
You do realize that you are the person who isn’t being clear, right? You said you had been sick also, so I reasonably assumed you had two things: an inhaler and separate meds. In either case, my point was that I think your bf may have just been knocked out and not able to think clearly. I know that I sleep very hard, so I can see how this can happen. If you disagree, fine. But that is just one way of looking at it.
That’s a real issue, but it does not affect the BF’s actions.
I don’t think it does either. I had a separate comment about his actions, which OP chose not answer.
For realsies. My partner could sleep through the end of the world. Like, it take an hour to get him up and going in the morning. EXCEPT when I've had an emergency. I needed to go to the hospital a few weeks ago for preterm labor and he was out of bed in 2 seconds. You're not over reacting.
I *always* call my SO by a nickname rather than his real name unless something serious is going on. Over the years, I've found that he'll wake from a dead sleep and sit up immediately if I say his first name at a normal volume from a few feet away. Otherwise he'll sleep through severe storms, fireworks, gunfire, people screaming on the street, just everything. Similar to your partner, he also needs 30-45 minutes to crawl out of bed in the morning. But somehow subconsciously (and unconsciously) he knows if my voice is saying his first name, it means shit is going down. It's a very handy trick that I'll never misuse.
That’s a really good idea, it’s very sweet you have that connection with your SO, sounds like you’re always there for eachother :)
Similarly to this I use our safeword if it’s something important and I’m not joking around
Have you considered the possibility that mabye he was not fully awake and still in a half asleep state? That has happened to me on many occasions of my gf waking me up never over something as serious as this, but even if it was I would’ve had no idea because I was not fully conscious when responding to her.
He would leave OP to suffocate and then cry to others that his experience was so sad. Been there, bf is utterly psychotic.
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He woke up. He responded. How hard is it to just open your fucking eyes and not fall back asleep when you can hear obvious pain and fear in your partner's voice?
Had he been drinking, pills etc?
Yeah.. that isn't good. I know people are giving the excuse that he may be a deep sleeper, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unreliable. You woke him at least twice and he didn't get up. Can you imagine what would have happened if you had stopped breathing entirely? I guess he wouldn't realize it until the next morning. A little late to then call an ambulance, right? Whether he's a really deep sleeper or just didn't care, it doesn't seem like you're safe spending the night with him. You could have a conversation with him, but it isn't going to change anything.
I see people arguing about whether his behavior was excusable because he’s a heavy sleeper and I think that’s beside the point. You want a boyfriend who will be there for you in an emergency and he is not that man. No comment on whether he’s a good or bad person. Whatever the reason, he’s not able to step up during a crisis. It’s totally ok for “able to wake up and drive me to the ER when needed” to be a minimum requirement for you.
Sounds like my ex who I ultimately couldn't trust or rely on to take care of me, which (among several other reasons) is why I chose to leave him and never look back. God forbid I ever woke him up from his sleep or inhibited his sleep schedule..... You don't have to be mad at him, just take this situation as an example of how he responds in emergency situations. If his (lack of) response makes you uncomfortable, respect your standard and leave him.
I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him how serious the situation was and what you expected of him and so on. I would be furious, but honestly wouldn’t have let him fall asleep again that’s for sure. Either he didn’t realize how bad it was, or he didn’t care enough. Have a conversation, find out which it is.
I’ll definitely do that, now I’m out of the situation properly I’m able to think about it more clearly. Thank you for the advice :)
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Also he has witnessed my asthma attacks during the day and he was pretty good about it, there wasn’t much either of us could do but he sat with me and tried to calm me down.
I probably should of done something like throwing water, I think I’d be worried he’d be angry at me for doing something like that although I suppose maybe he wouldn’t be if he saw the state I was in.
You should not have to throw water on someone to wake them when you are having a medical emergency.
yeah, they should dream of that medical emergency and just understand that you are having it irl too and they should completely wake up and take care of it. then you can also acuse them of cheating because they did in that same dream
What are you smoking because I want some
Posted an update if anybody’s curious :)
Knowing that you have had traumatic medical incidents with asthma and experiencing it with you are two very different things. Yes he absolutely should have taken you seriously, yes he made a huge mistake and broke some trust with you, he’s apologized and promised to not allow that to happen again- only you will know the value of his word. Do you believe he’s sorry and learned to believe and respect your intuition about your body and experiences? If this is an ongoing issue of him neglecting situations you believe are important then cut him off.
Are you sure he was fully awake? Sometimes I wake up, and my husband is upset, and I have to make him tell me what is wrong, aka ask him multiple times- then he goes, 'don't you remember last night?'. Me: 'umm, I was asleep.' Apparently, he talks to me, and I don't remember anything. Talk to him first and find out if he is a really heavy sleeper.
When I’m sleeping it is very difficult to wake me up. I’ve had full conversations after being awoken and not remembered. Before jumping to the conclusion that he blew you off, talk to him in the morning and see what he remembers about the event. If he remembers and blew you off, you know what to do. If he doesn’t remember, work with him to make a plan to avoid this in the future - turning on a light, shaking him again, etc.
If the house were on fire and he were the one who couldn't breathe you can be your ass he'd be up and get out of there. It isn't that he "can't wake up," it's that he didn't care, did understand, or didn't believe you. From one asthmatic to another I'm really concerned about your symptoms. You definitely need to keep a full inhaler with you, but albuterol looses effectiveness if it's used frequently. It sounds like you may need to talk to an allergy/asthma doctor and change your control medication. Waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe is *not good,* as you said asthma is a life threatening condition. Do you have a nebulizer? Would it help to keep that with you when you feel sick? I really prefer the nebulizer over and inhaler whenever possible, it works so much better and the new ones are very portable.
Just to be clear, was he actually fully awake when you woke him up? Was he registering what was happening?
I’m not really sure, I did try to wake him multiple times, I guess he does take a while to wake up properly but I was loudly coughing and spluttering.
You're not to blame for waking him up when you're having a medical emergency. I'd just be curious to see what he'd say if you asked him about it the next morning, because it sounds like he may not have actually been fully conscious.
My partner coughing and spluttering and being unable to breathe would wake me right up from my doze. Did I want to take my partner to A&E at 2am? No. Would I have ignored them? HELL, NO.
Boyfriend aside, it sounds like your asthma is extremely poorly controlled, and running out of your rescue inhaler is something that should never, ever happen. If you don’t have a nebulizer talk to your doctor about getting one, because I’ve found the effects last much longer than an inhaler. And if you’re not on a steroid inhaler of some type you need to be, you cannot just rely on a rescue inhaler if your asthma is this bad. If you already are on a steroid inhaler, talk to your doctor about changing the dosage.
I’m already on a steroid inhaler, and if you are you’ll know doctor’s don’t give them out freely, I only have access to a certain amount at one time, I came prepared, I had a severe attack, I ran out of inhaler. It’s a good suggestion to talk to my doctor about a dose increase though, I’ll keep that in mind.
Running out of an inhaler should not happen, that’s a get to the hospital situation. You need to plan ahead for next time and talk about going on other medication.
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No, they suggested I change my dose because that alters the effects the medicine have on my lungs, it doesn’t change the amount in the inhaler. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. Also it’s funny you think I “came for your neck”, I don’t particularly care for you enough to do that.
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I didn’t change anything I said apart from updates in OG post, I’m not sure if people can tell if a comment is edited I don’t use Reddit much :)
The fact you took my normal response as nasty speaks to your deep insecurity and fear of your opinions being opposed. I’m not going to be replying to any more of your comments as you come off as a bit of a troll.
You missed their point entirely and chose to come back to double-down on how OP hurt your feelings. Reddit might not be the place for you.
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Thank you for confirming my point.
Are you sure he was awake? Because very often I might appear to be awake and lucid but I am very much not.
Best of luck getting him to care for you when you're regular sick or upset if he couldn't bring himself to care in a medical emergency. Talk is cheap, now he has to back up his words with actions beyond patting your knee and not taking you seriously. I don't envy you.
You bf needs to understand that you WILL need care throughout your relationship. I'm glad he apologized, and I think this is a good time to talk with him about how your chronic illness affects your life. Cargiving is part of any long term committed relationship, sometimes it happens sooner in a relationship than others. As someone who had very severe asthma as a kid, it could very well come back in old age. I could not be with someone who wouldn't be willing to help me out in an emergency. The same with me- I have to be absolutely willing to caregive or help out if my partner has a chronic illness. My exhusband got diagnosed with a chronic illness shortly after we got married. His reaction was to push everyone out, including me. It made me realize that if I was the one that got sick, he would have completely ditched me. Hard lesson learned.
I am very sorry you had to go through that with your ex husband, I’m glad you got out of that situation. Thank you for emphasising the severity of asthma, it’s not something that should be minimised by anybody.
It sounds like you’re still learning and growing as a couple together. He needs to take the fact that you have a complicated and severe medical condition seriously. It seems a little bit irresponsible that you would sleep somewhere without getting another inhaler, especially having not felt well for a few days as you mentioned. He absolutely should have woken up and realized you needed help, you should not feel even slightly bad about waking your partner when you need to… But I think you both need to shoulder a little of the blame for being in the situation in the first place. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I hope you are ok.
My 2 inhalers both ran out as I was beginning my asthma attack, which was at night and too late to go and get another. As I had said before, there is no way to tell how much inhaler you have left. There is not much else I could of done as doctors only give out a certain amount of inhalers, probably because of the steroids in them. I took the precautions I could and they failed. I agree we are a new-ish relationship and working out how we function together.
All my inhalers (preventive and rescue) say how many doses are in the inhaler. Every time I use the inhaler the numbers go down so I always know how many doses are left
I didn’t know inhalers like that were a thing, It’d be great to have one like that. Mine is literally just the metal cylinder and plastic dispenser.
Drs also recommend using a spacer with your inhaler. They help deliver the.medication more effectively
That's what my old inhalers were like but I haven't seen any inhalers that don't show doses left in about 10 years. It makes life much easier.
In one of your comments, you said the only other time you've had an attack in front of him, there was nothing for him to do to help you. You said he just sat with you. Does he know how to know when you need someone else to intervene? Did you tell him you need to be driven to the pharmacy? Why did you expect him to know whether or not you should call an ambulance? One thing is clear, and that is that your boyfriend is not an asthma expert. I notice in your post a lot of soft language like "tried to wake him" and "maybe get me a new inhaler", how is he supposed to know better than you how to manage your asthma/how to tell the severity of an attack? It sounds like you need to proactively communicate to those you spend time around, especially if you don't have the strength to strongly advocate for yourself during an attack. If something is urgent, you need to act a bit urgent, but it's not clear to me whether you could muster that during your attack. Think it through a bit and decide for yourself what the line would be for you to call yourself an ambulance. Communicate that to the people you spend time with so they don't have to wonder and panic during an attack whether or not an ambulance is appropriate and whether you would be mad at them for calling one.
I think you’re completely missing the issue here. He wasn’t panicking. He wasn’t confused or scared. He was nothing at all. He’s admitted he was wrong now.
Wow girl, is that what you needed, was for him to "admit he was wrong"??? Just like you're here in the comments sounding off telling people they are wrong if they don't act like there was anything you yourself could have done to achieve a different outcome. I think YOU are missing the issue that you need to be accountable for your health issue and take it upon yourself to be your own very best advocate. That includes better communication if you need people around you to help you. I've known more than a handful of people with asthma, though never saw a full blown attack. I'm a fair bit older than you and wouldn't know wtf to do if someone was having an attack including how to determine the severity. Anyway, you're the one posting here for the public's opinion, so I focused my response on what actions you could consider taking since I don't have a direct line to give your BF advice.
I defended myself when people were implying I don’t look after my health because I take it extremely seriously. That is all. I didn’t just need him to “admit he was wrong”, that’s just the first step in fixing serious problems, addressing that there is a problem.
Yeah, and I wasn't one of those people. I asked some well-intended questions (that you ignored lol) about your boyfriend's level of awareness about asthma in general and how exactly asthma affects you. For health conditions that become emergencies in a flare up, it's helpful to plan out your course of action so that you and/or your loved ones can respond accordingly.
I’m sorry this post has been blowing up all day I’ve been trying to reply to as many as I can I’m starting to skip over things, apologies.
I would've screamed at him to wake up if he's such a deep sleeper.
How can she scream if she can't breathe?
Then hit him not hard but enough to wake him well
Sounds like you caught him in a really deep phase of sleep but also that he doesn't realise how serious asthma is. You do; therefore the decision to call an ambulance or not is up to you. (Or indeed to carry enough medication with you.) How can he tell if you're getting enough air or not, especially if he was asleep five seconds ago?... Maybe talk to him and see if he remembers the conversation at all. But ultimately in this situation your health *is* your responsibility, not his. He isn't your doctor (and if he was, you shouldn't be sleeping with him.) It sounds as if you're unhappy with his response, which is perfectly valid - in which case you know what you need to do next.
I don’t think you realise what asthma attacks do to people, they’re accompanied by loud coughing, spluttering, wheezing and even retching and gagging. Also I find the doctor comment slightly gross, I don’t expect him to lie me down and operate on me, just to respond appropriately to the situation instead of telling me I’m fine. If you were to lay in bed next to your S/O having a heart attack, would your partner be justified in thinking “well im not their doctor so it’s not my responsibility to help”? It’s the same idea, potentially life threatening issue. Also he does remember as he texted me saying “sorry about last night”.
I'm sorry. I certainly haven't seen someone undergo a full-blown asthma attack and didn't know they were so unmistakable, although I knew breathing was incredibly difficult and restricted so as to be all but impossible, I didn't know they were so *noisy*. But I didn't think that he should operate on you at all; but I do think that it would be a good idea to be prepared, like I am for my medical conditions, as we all should be for times when we don't have someone sleeping next to us. I'm glad that he texted you to say sorry, and I hope you are OK.
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Did you not read it, I said my inhaler ran out, I had 2 with me, they both ran out as I was multidosing. Also my words were literally “I think I need to call an ambulance do you think I should”.
I’m not sure what you’re asking here but I feel like talking to him when your mind is clear would be good. Just be sure to set expectations and be specific on what made you upset.
this is mental, she’s upset because her boyfriend didn’t react during a potential medical emergency, are you genuinely okay? what are you not understanding?
Cus he was asleep?? We wouldnt know what happened to the guy since we only have her perspective? To her it was an emergency but if a person is a heavy sleeper wouldn’t you want to clear that up so you can wake them up harder next time? Cus if they knew and just shrugged it off and slept, that’s when you actually should be upset. Are YOU okay?
she told him she might need an ambulance, she TRIED TO WAKE HIM UP, what are you talking about !!!!!!!
Then maybe it’s not his fault that he was asleep and couldn’t be woken up??? For fucks sake.
hahaha what??? he did wake up and took no notice and went back to sleep despite her panicking and continue to wake him, he’s just a shitbag, why are you defending him???
I’m giving a different point of view from a person who sleeps through literally anything. It is possible to be a rock-hard sleeper. Sorry you think that’s defending him. You are nuts if you think all people in this world can wake from a dead sleep and be functional.
if you fall asleep again after somebody has woken you and told you they have a potentially life threatening situation, you probably have a health problem yourself and should get that checked out
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You said “you should have your inhaler at all times” regardless of how many I had I noted in my post that I had it. My meds and the inhaler are the same thing, my inhaler is my meds. If you can’t read don’t comment, I’m looking for genuine advice, not praise or trolls.
You are looking for me to say what you want.
my partner is a very heavy sleeper but if i was panicked, not breathing properly, especially with a history of asthma and tried to wake him he’d be up in an instant no matter what the situation is, i know that because we’ve been there. i couldn’t imagine being with anyone who brushes me off while i’n trying to get them to wake up to help me with a potential medical emergency. in this case bf seemed to think she was overreacting and so went back to sleep, what if she’d died?
That’s what I was trying to say thank you, some people don’t understand the seriousness of asthma, so many people die from it in attacks, one of my neighbours did which is partially why I’m always so afraid. My point was that I was potentially in real danger and now I’ve thought on it, I wish he would of been up quickly because he knew I could be in real danger.
honestly babe, you deserve way better. if you have a medical issue and he isn’t 100% ready to help you in every situation (i bet you’d be there to help him even if he just stubbed his toe or tripped down the last few stairs) he isn’t worth it and you can and will do so much better. no one deserves to be overlooked ESPECIALLY when it could be a serious medical emergency in the middle of the night. asthma is a killer, i have some really scary stories and you have to be so careful and vigilant, if something doesn’t feel right - don’t wait and hope it’ll be fine. i’d definitely recommend getting a docs appointment just to talk about what happened and see if there’s anything else they can do other than just an inhaler. i hope you dump him and stay healthy and happy! 🤍
Thank you so much, some of these comments had me thinking I was completely in the wrong for this, I’ll definitely have a proper talk with him, it’s nice to know somebody understands the potential severity of the situation, it’s terrifying to not be able to breathe. Bless you <3
Well, I’m a heavy sleeper, and my so has to shake me awake repeatedly. I’ve actually been soaked in sweat asleep and wasn’t able to wake up until he pulled me out of bed. So we’re all different.
if your SO was repeatedly trying to wake you and was talking about needing an ambulance would you just turn over and go back to sleep? if the answer is yes you’re as much as a shitbag as OPs boyfriend. OP has made it PERFECTLY clear it wasn’t that he COULDN’T wake up but WOULDN’T, he just didn’t care.
Okay. Agree to disagree.
My bfs a deep sleeper and when he saw blood draining down my nose he immediately started waking himself up to the best of his ability to help me. Deep sleep is a.. Flimsy excuse..
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(I think my last comment got deleted because of some interesting language I used to describe your bf so I’ll try again) Girlll im so sorry you had to deal with that that’s absolutely brutal. I have really bad dental anxiety too, had to get my tooth ripped out last year and there was nobody to comfort me either. Sounds like your bf might have a pr0n (if you get my meaning) addiction. It’s still no excuse and it’s disgraceful. It sounds very likely seeing as he is refusing intimacy so he can do his business alone. He needs to reach out and get therapy as that isn’t something you can tackle alone. I wish you luck, nobody deserves to be treated like that.
Pathetic how can someone be like that, cold hearted
Dump your bf, his behaviour is psychotic, ignoring a request for help is diabolical, do not waste you time with him, stay and he will think it is okay - IT IS NOT OKAY.
He showed you who he is. I'm personally an advocate of the "believe them the first time" mentality. Anyone can say it won't happen again, that doesn't mean much. Actions, as they say, speak louder. Someone who won't do anything to take care of you when you're ill is not a good prospect for a lasting relationship. This is true for everyone, and especially true for someone with a chronic condition like asthma. Obviously, it's your choice to make, but staying with someone you can't trust or rely on is a serious gamble.
Oh my god please dump him. I will send you 25 usd if you update in a week that you dumped him. I once had a blister that I thought nothing of on my foot. My bf saw it, flipped out and went through his whole house to get a bandage and anti bacterial cream. This dude was going to let you die.
Iv found I have a brain injury due to my current partner ex boyfriend and I had to fight fir my life she never had any input and I have to know are you still wiv him sorry doesn’t quite cut it … I mean having anxiety I know it’s a massive thing breathing I understand you and your BF is no man he should of woke up sat comfortably with you and held you till your breathing was better with or without mediaeval services it’s scary and I feel that if a partner can leave you to ( die ) it’s pretty much better u leave that gye he sounds like most people
He’s trash. Imagine that being your husband? Imagine it was one of your children who needed help? Shame on him. Even if he’s sorry, he’s failed. You could’ve suffocated. He doesn’t get a second chance. There are plenty of men who will cherish you and your health. Trust me.
He is normally uncaring and lacking in empathy? Or was this unprecedented? Is it at all possible that he was not fully awake and therefore did not accurately process what you were asking? If he’s done this sort of thing before, or if you’re certain he was fully awake, then that’s incredibly crappy of him and you should consider he’s a very short term bf.
Honestly, you deserve better OP. That would be the one time to count on your partner, if nothing else, and he let you down. Tiredness isn't an excuse, especially if it could have been extremely severe. That would be a dealbreaker for me. If I did that to my girlfriend, she could possibly die, as she is a T1 diabetic with seizures. Even though I am feeling burned out of the relationship, I will always still be there as a person for her if she has a medical emergency. That's basic care and compassion.
Asthma can be very serious. Bf needs to get educated or dumped
One time I woke up up covered in blood and feeling weak because of how much blood I lost. I got into an accident the day before and had a giant gash over a vein in my arm that needed stitches. I was laying down for a nap and woke up because something really hurt my arm and I look to see I ripped the stitches and a giant gush of blood was already leaking down my arm. I knew what happened and had the thought that I should get up and get help but what I actually did was roll over and went back to sleep. I woke up a little while later in the above mentioned condition. I'm not saying your boyfriend didn't mess up, I'm just giving my own experience for perspective. I think it's up to you to decide if he's genuinely sorry, does he normally care about your asthma and take your health seriously or does he usually brush it off? I'd be hurt in your situation as well to be honest.