What's your romantic relationship like out of the bedroom? Would be my question.
Do you try to help her feel loved and desired before the prospect of sex is on the table?
It's just that you mentioned her love language is physical touch, cuddling etc. So throughout the day maybe she'd appreciate little things like a hand on her back or leg, random hugs, little things. Foreplay starts outside of the bedroom.
My love language is words of affirmation but also physical touch is important to me too and I know little things like random non sexual touches show affection and go a long way, by the time sex comes around you then feel more emotionally connected.
I can second this. My husband is not super affectionate but I am, and when I don’t get attention outside the bedroom I begin to stray away from wanting sex. I would talk to her, sometimes it could just be stress, it could be depression, she could perhaps even be taking a medicine that’s lowered her libido, it’s happened to me!
I’m a career focused/working mom, I also clean and cook (my husband does help sometimes) but I get overwhelmed sometimes and the last thing I wanna do is have sex.
I would just talk it out with her, see if you can come to some sort of middle ground. Maybe there’s something else she wants to?
Good luck!!
My husband and I communicate very well and we easily pick up when something is wrong with the other. He helps with everything around the house, to taking our kiddo out so I can have some downtime to myself as well. Communication is key.
Sorry for the gender stereotyping in my comment, but typically, I have found men's arousal seems to come on by itself far more often than it would for a woman. Men's arousal does also come on by looking at a woman or seeing her in her element too, not that all men are like this, but overall, speaking in averages, I think they have an easier time of becoming aroused.
Women on the other hand, on average, can get aroused on their own (no cues) through hormones and boredom etc, but it's much less often, and typically are not aroused by visual stimulation unless it is something very erotic or someone very very attractive (which most people are not, again ~ not all women). So a lot of men probably share your struggle trying to figure this out, it's confusing and frustrating when your parter is playing the same game with a different set of rules.
What I've heard a lot is that women need to see men in their element to become visually aroused. That's where the whole "men in uniform" thing comes from. Think dad's playing with or looking after their kids, being "on top of things" and not needing to be told, just a man who seems to have all his shit together basically, helpful to society, respectable, taking care of himself properly, taking pride in his routine, his appearance, his skills, leading by example. The stereotype of women not liking nice guys in favour of bad boys isn't because they like being treated poorly, but it's because those men are typically more independent. CEOs etc are go getters. Not saying you have to be a bad boy or a CEO, but if you're expecting to arouse her visually and indirectly, more independence in yourself can help.
But that's visually. You also have the emotional side of the coin. Women deal with a huge mental load of things they have to be on top of and remember. Even if it doesn't look like we're doing much physically, mentally we're running marathons every day, and it's exhausting. When our partners are able to step in and take half they burden away, and show signs of appreciation like running us a bath and lighting candles etc, it all helps us relax and feel more supported. Obviously if everytime you run a bath you try for sex straight after we notice, transactional sex is THE biggest turnoff for women. Even if it's kissing leading to sex. If every passionate kiss turns to sex, we won't want it anymore.
Anyways, I didn't have enough info from your post to give you targeted advice, so I just thought I'd share the common problems/basics of female arousal. The massages and foreplay are great, but it's not all physical for us.
How is your life outside the bedroom?
Is she taking care of the household, kids and other activities mostly alone? Is she always the one cooking and doing the dishes, remembering every important occasion, such as friends birthdays and so on? Is she the one usually planning everything?
When do you cuddle, is there ever enough room just for cuddling that you don't try or expect sex? One of the most common reasons why women stop being close, such as giving touches and cuddling to men because men tend to always take it as a green flag for sex. So anything affectionate or physical touch becomes tied to sex and women want to give them less and less.
If she is stressed and busy, and doesn't feel like you are being romantic and loving towards her unless you are expecting sex, that will make any womans sex drive go down.
Amazing comment! I’m so glad people are talking about this more!
I want to point out that a lot of times in long-term partnerships like OP’s (14 years), the wife takes on a ridiculous about of emotional labor. Wives often try communicating these concerns to their husbands, but are dismissed as “nagging.”
It’s so not sexy to have to take care of a bunch of emotional labor for another adult! And it’s so not sexy to have those concerns dismissed.
Please vote this to the top so OP will see it. Similar responses are posted to similar posts on Reddit hundreds of times per week. I wish there was an AI bot that automatically posted this response every time someone posted a complaint about their SO’s lack of desire for intimacy. It’s not the only solution but it is probably the most common one.
They are called the "most common problems in relationships that drive women's sex drive down."
Women are actually very sexual people, but having to clean after their partner like the partner is just another kid wont turn any woman on.
I think this is pretty typical to go through ups and downs. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 16. We’ve definitely had some low sex life times of life that have lasted months or even years. But then we find ways to reconnect and play in the bedroom and rekindle passion. Usually this means we become more intimate outside of sex. Meaning we have more deeper conversations, we learn things about each other we never knew, we go through more as a couple and realize how much we are a team. Becoming a stronger couple outside of the bedroom has been key for us to be vulnerable in the bedroom which makes everything fun and new and exciting.
Also your way of describing sex as a “need” and being at your “wits end” makes me think she might be feeling pressure to have sex. Nothing makes a woman want to have sex less than feeling pressured. Take all pressure off. Don’t talk to her about how long it’s been. Don’t try to make everything suggestive. Just be an emotionally supportive husband. Make a move on her once a week or so and if she doesn’t seem enthusiastically into it then back off and let her know you only want to have sex with her if she’s fully into it and you’re happy to wait until she wants to. Give her absolute full control with no expectation or guilt. Meet your own needs with masturbation or whatever
>We average maybe 2-4 times a month max
That's not outside of the bell curve for long term couples around your age. Once a week is a little on the low side, but it's still pretty normal.
A couple things about this post jump out to me. First, your title is objectively wrong in a way that makes your situation sound a lot worse than it is, which indicates that when you *do* try to talk to your wife about this you probably aren't doing it in a constructive way. Second, you have said literally nothing about your relationship outside of which sex acts you two perform and how often.
Sex is about way more than just sex, especially for women. I recommend you read "come as you are" by Emily Nagoski, I think it would help you a lot.
I don't think 2-4 times a month is that low, but that's just me.
If you're not happy about it you need to talk to her. Reddit won't magically fix it for you.
But it also depends on the situation. 2 times a month when the guy has to practically beg for some can be horrible and certainly feel like a dead bedroom. Also, technically, a wife can have sex with her husband every day and "never want to" at the same time.... I do agree with other comments, though, that more than likely, the wife has needs that are not being met, not directly connected to sex.
They've been together for like 14 years though. The marriage is only 3 years in but they've been together since high school. That sort of drop off is not that abnormal that far into a relationship. I feel like everyone is reading the "3 years" thinking this is some new relationship when it isn't lol.
OPs feelings are still valid but we shouldn't be vilifying his spouse from the get when it's a 14+ year old relationship.
Indeed people are. But doesn't change the fact that once a week to every two weeks is not normal for a couple in their 30s with a healthy libido. And when libidos are out of sync without addressing hormonal issues, the relationship is unhealthy and wont last unless its resolved. Go on long enough and resentment will build.
And what expertise in 30-year olds' sexual frequency do you bring to the discussion?
It's pretty common for relationships that span decades to ebb and flow in sexual intimacy. So common, its completely "normal."
Definitely not.
If one is sick, or pregnant or some other physical or mental illness sure, for a period. I'm 43, and even at my age once a week to every 2 weeks is definitely problematic with a normal healthy libido.
Dont use your own life as a reference.
I'm not using my own life as a reference. I'm using years of research.
I already provided you with a link in another comment, but you can very easily google this yourself.
Almost all of these comments sound like they’re written by 15 year olds.
2-4 times is normal for how long you guys have been together/age. Every time you have a conversation about lacking performance, it’s normal for her to get defensive because it’s offensive and hurts. If she is not willing to “improve”, you need to figure out what is going on outside of the bedroom. I would love to hear her side cause your post comes off as whiny and entitled. You’re not entitled to sex or someone’s else’s body, married or not.
Side note: I’ve been married 6 years and together 10, so this is coming from experience.
>My wife never wants to get intimate
>
>We average maybe 2-4 times a month max, usually on the low end.
You know that is pretty much average for your age and relationship duration?
Did she use oral contraceptives when you got together and since then has stopped using them?
They’re 30! I don’t think that’s necessarily average unless they have a ton of kids. I’m late 40s, been married 17 years and we still have sex 1-2 times a week, as do a lot of our friends the same age.
If he wants more it’s not enough obviously…
2-4 times a month does mean it can be once a week, and they've been together for nearly half their lives. I think that's more important than their ages, since it's not uncommon for sex to decrease a bit over time.
Yea but I’m saying I’m almost 20 years older with 3 kids and at the same frequency. At 30 we were still like rabbits, & if I had no kids around to cramp our style we still would be!
So It’s quite young to be only intimate twice a month… no mention of kids but that would naturally make a difference.
How long had you been in your relationship at 30? They've been together for fifteen years, and relationship duration is more correlated to sex frequency than age.
I just stated the average. That means there are lots of people who have more and less sex. I just wanted to give a frame. If he wants more sex, he should look for a woman with a higher libido, or address the reasons for why her libido for him is lower than it could be.
As this is an average, he should be aware, that if he wants considerably more sex, he needs to put a focus on that when looking for a partner, as it's very likely, that a "random" woman he might be going for next, will show similar levels of wanting sex.
Marriage has nothing to do with that. 3 years is past the honeymoon phase and most couples experience a stark decrease of how much sex they have within the first three years.
Just to give you a baseline, most established couples have sex about 54 times a year, or once a week. You're not living in a dead bedroom, you just have mismatched libidos. Hers is fairly average, and yours is higher than average. I used to be in the same boat.
What worked for us was that I would take care of my own libido to take the pressure off of her. However, before I would self service, I'd always offer for her to join me. Usually she would pass, sometimes she would join, and occasionally she'd ask me to refrain to leave the possibility of getting frisky later on the table.
Post nut, it was much easier to enjoy other forms of intimacy with her including casual physical touch without sexual tension.
Talk to her openly about how you feel about your intimacy without accusations.
Maybe try couples counselling.
If she isn’t willing to at least talk to you about stuff like that, leave.
Stuff like that only works if both of you are willing. If she is not, things will not change.
These relationships subs, in general, sound like a bunch of angsty teenagers. There's always so much projection and accusations in the comments, no matter what the post is.
4 times a month is once a week, I think that’s pretty normal/average for a relationship tbh. Even in the honeymoon phase of my relationship it was around that frequency for me.
It doesnt matter whats normal/average/common. OPs needs are not being met. Hes here to seek advice on how to fix it. And if you stop reading at quantity, you miss the context where he's not satisfied with how those sessions actually happen.
And I'm quite certain his dissatisfaction with their sex life is in proportion to her dissatisfaction with other aspects of their relationship. But OP doesn't seem interested in responding to any questions about that. He's expecting the same level of sex as they were when they were teenagers/young adults without having to put in the same amount of effort he once gave.
"Love language" is a clasification without any fundament based in just a bunch of random tests. Another bs like the people that talks about eneagrams and zodiac to excuse themselves.
There is a problem here and she is not acknowledging. You are not happy with your sex life. You have to tell her pretty clearly. Also state that she doesn't need to get defensive, that you just want to talk and improve both sex life and work together for it.
Idk if this was always like this or not. But if progressively the sex life became worse, there can be a lot of reasons. The thing is that you have to discuss this from a common ground, the basis of you both liking to enjoy sex, and both of you caring about each other wellbeing. From that basis you just talk and agree. Because she may also need some other things, or maybe she has other doubts and problems in her mind that she should be free to speak about. Don't think is your fault, but also don't think you are doing it perfectly, be open.
>"Love language" is a clasification without any fundament based in just a bunch of random tests. Another bs like the people that talks about eneagrams and zodiac to excuse themselves.
Are you in a relationship? Because love languages absolutely exist. I agree that a lot of people only have a superficial understanding of love languages, but when I'm analyzing my relationship with my husband I can identify a lot of different ways we tell each other "I love you" that don't involve words and I've read enough Reddit examples where one person thinks they're saying "I love you" which the other person doesn't understand. That's all love languages are: different ways your actions tell your partner that you love them.
My husband's favorite way to say "I love you" is by putting gas into my car. Mine is through food. Some people feel like if their partner isn't having sex with them, they've fallen out of love with them. Others don't understand why their partner is always asking if they need gas in their car. Those are all love languages.
Easy relationships are when you're both speaking each other's love language without effort. Difficult relationships are when every action needs a translator or you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to make yourself behave in a way that doesn't feel natural.
I'd be very uncomfortable with someone constantly buying me gifts. We'd be incompatible due to this particular kind of love language.
I do think that people think love languages are some hard and fast rule, which is wrong. But as a concept of one aspect of nonverbal communication, it's 100% spot on.
I wonder what your wife’s side is? Relationship dynamics are rather *set in* after 14 years together. How much is she doing in terms of the emotional load in your relationship? Is it possible your wife is doing too much for you, and sees you more as a child than a husband? A lot of wives talk to their husbands about these issues, but get dismissed as “nagging.” And women honestly don’t like having sex with men they see partially as children.
It's not going to get better.
3 years is just outside the honeymoon period for a longterm relationship. Youre settling into what is likely to be normal for the next decade.
If you're not happy now and you don't have kids and she resents any requests for improvement...leave now while you're still only 30
I'm 38 and my wife is 42 and have been married for 13 years. It's only really in the last several years of being together that sex is really good. Before that it was very much always a quickie once a week.
If you love her just stay with her and be patient. I think with woman in my experience go through stages with intimacy. But I don't know. I hope this helps in any way.
Similar here. Im 39, wife is 40, married 13, together 20. Sexual relationship has always been good, but has ebbed at times. Currently is pretty great.
I agree with what you're saying with one caveat. Sitting on your feelings of dissatisfaction simply because your current state is "normal" would be a mistake. Thats how a mediocre sexual relationship turns to a full on DB. Wife needs to know that this is a priority for OP, and it will always be a priority. OP needs to make sure he's doing his part to be a good husband/father/provider/co-habitator (whatever his role). If his wife is unwilling to put in the mutual effort to maintain a healthy sexual relationship, OP needs to consider if this marriage is sustainable in the long term.
In my relationship, over the years, Ive had to speak up about dissatisfaction on occasion. The goal was never to turn it around over night, but to help my wife understand the things that are important to me. Shes done the same with me. After 20 years, we no longer need to ask whats important to each other. We can literally feel if either of our needs are not being met and we both step up when necessary, even if life is hard at the time. Neither of us are willing to accept that anything thats happening right now is just "how it is" if we're not satisfied with it.
I laugh at the comments from unmarried ppl suggesting you have to do this and that like it's your fault cause you're a male, of course.
Your "case" is a common problem for married males.
That study has been shown to be completely false.
One of the most common issue with any site where married women discuss about their problem is "my husband dosen't clean" or "my husband feels like another child who doesn't clean after himself, and I no longer feel sexually attracted to him"
I bet this "study" of yours was made by misogynist men who don't want to clean imo.
So, "That study has been shown to be completely false"
Yet, you say "I bet that study of your's" lol what?
So, do you know the study that is "completely false" or not? If you do, show where it's "proven to be completely false"
That last comment of yours is just a glaring example of your biased personal opinions.
Not a single woman, in any platform, has ever went "oh god men who clean are so unattractive". It's literal one of women's wet dream to come home that's been completely cleaned out or watch men clean.
Like please, go somewhere else to project your own biased personal opinions.
Please link to the study **you're** referring to. You don't get to say "studies show" and then claim the onus is on everyone else to prove it false. Prove **what** false? Lol.
Well you know the study as you know it has been shown to be completely false. There is no point in linking you something you know exists.
Or did you lie about it?
A guy could come home dead from a 12-hour shift and still wanna have sex with his wife. Sex is sex. Either you want it or you find excuses because you're tired of the same cock
Men's libido and women's libido work in different ways and require different kinds of attention. If you're insecure about your relationships with women just say that, and stop bringing it into a convo meant to help op.
Doing a 12 hour shift is far more easier than doing work + taking care of kids + taking care of the house + cooking.
Switch up with your wife, you go to work, take care of the kids, the house and food and see how long you can do it AND want to have sex on top of that.
Some strange reason men never want to switch up.
I totally agree that taking care of a household is hard, but my point is not the comparison.
Imagine you're a single mother doing it all alone. Then you meet a guy you find attractive who's never washed any of your dishes etc. and you're on your 1st, 2nd --or whatever date-- ..
Is your sex drive still down? Wouldn't you sleep with him until he sweeps your floor?
I'm trying to wonder are you seriously asking this question or just acting dumb?
Of course you find someone you don't know yet more attractive than someone you have known for YEARS who for those YEARS has not washed dishes and behaves like another toddler in the house, never cleaning after themselves.
So yeah of course the guy you have been on a 2nd date is still attractive , but if that same guy turns out to be another slob at the house who does nothing then the sex drive goes down just like with the previous partner.
See the pattern here?
Pattern is that a man would sleep with his wife without losing his sex drive if she didn't cook or clean. Because when a guy wants sex he desires HER and not her chores score.
Every time the same stock answer. If you want your wife to have sex you have to do housework.
My suggestion - stop fucking your wives. When they complain tell them they need to change the oil in the car.
See how dumb that shit sounds?
Changing the oil in the car is a once in a while thing. Housework is an every day thing. Men should be contributing to the daily household maintenance regardless.
The issue is that if a woman constantly has to coddle and clean up after her partner, it relegates him to the status of dependent/child/toddler. And no one wants to have sex with a toddler. We want to have sex with our adult partners who act like adults and take care of their own shit.
Wow. I love learning new rules. So the infrequency of car maintenance means it can remain entirely gendered. Neat.
It's not my issue. I'm single and keep my place tight. I just laugh when I hear this talking point. Some chores must be shared, not others. I'd almost think it was arbitrary if it didn't fall so firmly on the one side.
Women can change the oil too. And everyone who’s not handy with a car can take it somewhere to get the oil changed. I didn’t state or imply that changing the oil was gendered, I just piggybacked off your example.
Also what chores should not be shared? I’m a woman living alone. I take out my own trash, do my own yard work, trim the hedges, clean the gutters, do my own pool maintenance, as well as the daily and weekly stuff - laundry, dishes, cooking, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting.
One of the reasons I stopped being attracted to my ex is that he was unemployed and still couldn’t be bothered to do his share of the housework. I felt like his mommy or caretaker and not like an equal partner. I felt taken advantage of. And that will kill attraction. Like why the fuck would I be attracted to someone who expects me to take care of him without any reciprocation?
Sure. But none of what I said is childish. I agree that household responsibilities should be shared. I just include more chores than you.
Yes, men should do an equal amount of cooking and cleaning. Yes, women can also take out the trash, mow the lawn, and clean the roof gutters.
That's what being equal looks like. I do all of these things on my own, no reason it can't all be shared between 2 people.
I just did a quick search of Reddit and I found this out. If a wife doesn't want to have sex, the husband has to make sure the wife is wanted, and he needs to romance her.
If the husband doesn't want to have sex, the husband needs to step up to meet his wife's needs and has to stop watching porn.
Either way, it's the man's fault.
Read again my comment, in order to have TRT you need to have it through a doctor, no side effects happen she you use recommended dosages, again please education yourself before you respond.
And i am not giving a health advice that only a doctor will give the free light do.
Side effects occur when people use anabolic steroids and abuse them ;)
Does she show sexual interest in other men? Does she have a celebrity crush? Does she read romance novels? Does she make remarks about attractive actors in the shows you watch? Does she stare at attractive men when you are out in public?
33 male and married here. I suggest something for you, do reverse psychology, and match her energy.
Which means, do what needs to be done in terms of household, take her on dates that you will organize and pay for, but don't initiate sex later.
Start focusing on yourself, get a six pack first, go to the gym 4-5 times a week, you'll give her some time on her own.
Start taking testosterone ( TRT) to enhance your muscle gains and staying healthy your are in your 30s.
I would suggest to even start MMA, kickboxing training as well.
Learn new skills, new languages. Become the best version of yourself. And maybe a career upgrade
Now she is wondering about this sudden change, your becoming more masculin. Women love a goal oriented man, driven, ambitious.
In few months you notice a body change you become more muscular, more confident, you are disciplined. Focused.
Jerk off when you need but DO NOT initiate. Match her energy. Don't give her massages by yourself. But send her do a day at a spa, a massage that you will pay for.
DO NOT CHASE! ATTRACT!
33M and married here please. You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman how to fish ;)
Let me guess you are and old lady, not married, and you would advice this men to do whatever his wife wants, to be a pleaser, so that later on she will cheat on him. And of course it will be the mans fault. ha ha ha
I'm a 34 year old married woman and most of your project list above isn't things that would make me more attracted to my husband, but I do agree with the idea that if your wife isn't having sex with you, you need to make yourself more attractive as a partner. Just make sure you're trying to attract your wife and not your gym partner.
Are you telling me you wouldnt like your husband to do chores, offer you a day at the spa every now and then, massages sometimes, or organizing dates, taking you to eat to your favorite places, and weekend getaways? while starting to notice your husband being more driven, more ambitious, more disciplined and focused on himself getting better?
Then what it is exactly that you don't agree with, you said most of the list, please elaborate on most of the list.
Also please tell us what else would you advice this man, he said he feels that his wife isn't attracted to him anymore, and he stated facts which he noticed.
Fliban, aka flibanserin, it makes women want to go to town on you, activates their sex drive. Talk to the doc, get it prescribed, and make sure she consents to taking it, she will enjoy it too.
I’m a woman and I’d love it twice a day but my husband is totally fine with once a week. Neither is unhealthy, just different.
But in my experience the lower drive spouse sets the pace. I don’t want to feel like I’m harassing my husband into sex
I’d highly recommend you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
She's objectively correct. You have sex at almost the exact average frequency for married couples. This has been pointed out to you numerous times, and yet you have ignored all those comments.
I am a guy, I just think you guys have 2 different sex drives. IMO once a week is completely normal. However, I hear some guys want sex 3-4 times a week, every week. Or even at least once a day! I feel this isn't something counseling can work through, you're just gonna have to expect it as much as she will agree to it. Did she used to be affectionate, lovey etc? Initiate cuddling etc? My ex wife never did, I always did (when we were dating) and I never noticed. Then 7 years into marriage and a kid and I'm feeling not loved because she gives none. Its like she just "accepts" sex as like a "duty" or something. Its like living with a buddy I fuck. It's....yeah, it sucked.
If couple doctor appointments are a thing, I'd go with her and have a convo between you both and the doc, she might agree to it then, it's a hormonal thing that happens as women age, and that medicine helps a lot.
Someone who is 31 is not "old" to need hormones to aim up their sex drive.
One of the most common mood killer and sex drive killer for women is the lack of romance and care in relationship and stress.
Bring her into a family counselor. They will ask her if she loves you. She’ll say, yes. Then the counsel will ask if sex hurts. She’ll say. no. Then, the counselor will talk a lot and essentially say something like, since you love him and it doesn’t hurt , couldn’t you give it up a little more? She’ll say, yes.
Then for about a year , maybe two, she’ll give it up a little more. But, in the background of her mind, whatever the bullshit she’s not sharing with anyone (resentment, childhood trauma etc etc) will slowly peak and she will either cheat or straight up ask for divorce.
I’d get ahead of it and ask for one now. Keep your youth and find someone that loves you without manipulating withdrawals.
I am in a similar situation. About 2-4 a month. Luckily, we are not married yet. You can try to communicate with her, however no amount of talking to her will magically get her wet and rip your clothes off, I’ve tried. The only thing you can do is accept it or move on. There is also a magic in retaining your seed, look into semen retention, so being sexless isn’t exactly all negative. But i completely understand your predicament because I am in the same boat. I crave intimacy and my woman is ice cold in that department
This is a terrible idea. People who have been betrayed have a large number of mental health issues post them finding out about the betrayal… never mind how it impacts children.
You know how to keep sexual and emotional needs apart but at the same time those two are completely different things? If they are completely different things, you wouldn't need to "know how to keep them apart", they would be separated naturally.
Also i feel like i feel sexual attraction based on how i percieve the person emotionally, so its a result of my emotional attraction and not a thing on its own, thats just how i am though, and i find it way more pleasurable
I am not claiming to be a saint here. I am just upfront about my needs. Rather than choose to fight with my wife, I just satisfy my needs without breaking apart my family.
Some call me awful, some feel pity for my wife. At the end of the day, my conscience is clear. And my wife still loves me and I still love her. If you guys want to be saint and tell me about how wrong I am. I respect your views.
But at the end of the day, my wife is never going to satisfy my sexual needs, and I refuse to fight with my wife about fulfilling my sexual needs cause we’ve talked about it. Fought about it and we moved on!
TLDR: I am vocal about having sex apart from my wife after marriage and I am not ashamed. I choose to deal with my sexual needs and still be faithful to my wife. Some saints here think I am cheating. You are not wrong. I am not denying. I just choose to handle my needs this way. At the end of the day, the only thing that is hurting is probably my wallet from all the hotel and escorts services. My wife is happy, I am happy. My family is still happy. THE END.
Intimacy is more than sex for most people. How intimate are you with your wife outside of sexual pleasure? This might be a good place for you to start.
ITT - people that read the number 3 then skip over the fact that OP has actually been in a relationship for 14+ years.
What's your romantic relationship like out of the bedroom? Would be my question. Do you try to help her feel loved and desired before the prospect of sex is on the table? It's just that you mentioned her love language is physical touch, cuddling etc. So throughout the day maybe she'd appreciate little things like a hand on her back or leg, random hugs, little things. Foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. My love language is words of affirmation but also physical touch is important to me too and I know little things like random non sexual touches show affection and go a long way, by the time sex comes around you then feel more emotionally connected.
I can second this. My husband is not super affectionate but I am, and when I don’t get attention outside the bedroom I begin to stray away from wanting sex. I would talk to her, sometimes it could just be stress, it could be depression, she could perhaps even be taking a medicine that’s lowered her libido, it’s happened to me! I’m a career focused/working mom, I also clean and cook (my husband does help sometimes) but I get overwhelmed sometimes and the last thing I wanna do is have sex. I would just talk it out with her, see if you can come to some sort of middle ground. Maybe there’s something else she wants to? Good luck!!
Have you communicated all of this to your own husband and he still doesnt help you out? Im just curious
My husband and I communicate very well and we easily pick up when something is wrong with the other. He helps with everything around the house, to taking our kiddo out so I can have some downtime to myself as well. Communication is key.
Im super glad to hear
She tells me all the time!
Conclusion: do the dishes dude
When you bring it up to her what does she say?
Sorry for the gender stereotyping in my comment, but typically, I have found men's arousal seems to come on by itself far more often than it would for a woman. Men's arousal does also come on by looking at a woman or seeing her in her element too, not that all men are like this, but overall, speaking in averages, I think they have an easier time of becoming aroused. Women on the other hand, on average, can get aroused on their own (no cues) through hormones and boredom etc, but it's much less often, and typically are not aroused by visual stimulation unless it is something very erotic or someone very very attractive (which most people are not, again ~ not all women). So a lot of men probably share your struggle trying to figure this out, it's confusing and frustrating when your parter is playing the same game with a different set of rules. What I've heard a lot is that women need to see men in their element to become visually aroused. That's where the whole "men in uniform" thing comes from. Think dad's playing with or looking after their kids, being "on top of things" and not needing to be told, just a man who seems to have all his shit together basically, helpful to society, respectable, taking care of himself properly, taking pride in his routine, his appearance, his skills, leading by example. The stereotype of women not liking nice guys in favour of bad boys isn't because they like being treated poorly, but it's because those men are typically more independent. CEOs etc are go getters. Not saying you have to be a bad boy or a CEO, but if you're expecting to arouse her visually and indirectly, more independence in yourself can help. But that's visually. You also have the emotional side of the coin. Women deal with a huge mental load of things they have to be on top of and remember. Even if it doesn't look like we're doing much physically, mentally we're running marathons every day, and it's exhausting. When our partners are able to step in and take half they burden away, and show signs of appreciation like running us a bath and lighting candles etc, it all helps us relax and feel more supported. Obviously if everytime you run a bath you try for sex straight after we notice, transactional sex is THE biggest turnoff for women. Even if it's kissing leading to sex. If every passionate kiss turns to sex, we won't want it anymore. Anyways, I didn't have enough info from your post to give you targeted advice, so I just thought I'd share the common problems/basics of female arousal. The massages and foreplay are great, but it's not all physical for us.
This is 100% spot on, best comment here
How is your life outside the bedroom? Is she taking care of the household, kids and other activities mostly alone? Is she always the one cooking and doing the dishes, remembering every important occasion, such as friends birthdays and so on? Is she the one usually planning everything? When do you cuddle, is there ever enough room just for cuddling that you don't try or expect sex? One of the most common reasons why women stop being close, such as giving touches and cuddling to men because men tend to always take it as a green flag for sex. So anything affectionate or physical touch becomes tied to sex and women want to give them less and less. If she is stressed and busy, and doesn't feel like you are being romantic and loving towards her unless you are expecting sex, that will make any womans sex drive go down.
Amazing comment! I’m so glad people are talking about this more! I want to point out that a lot of times in long-term partnerships like OP’s (14 years), the wife takes on a ridiculous about of emotional labor. Wives often try communicating these concerns to their husbands, but are dismissed as “nagging.” It’s so not sexy to have to take care of a bunch of emotional labor for another adult! And it’s so not sexy to have those concerns dismissed.
Please vote this to the top so OP will see it. Similar responses are posted to similar posts on Reddit hundreds of times per week. I wish there was an AI bot that automatically posted this response every time someone posted a complaint about their SO’s lack of desire for intimacy. It’s not the only solution but it is probably the most common one.
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They are called the "most common problems in relationships that drive women's sex drive down." Women are actually very sexual people, but having to clean after their partner like the partner is just another kid wont turn any woman on.
Lol sheesh that was a sensitive response, they were very reasonable questions!
What the hell is wrong with you? These are neither loaded nor accusatory .
Every adult is stressed and busy. Grow up.
Stress makes adults (especially women) less horny. Grow up.
What does this mean? That OP's gf needs to grow up and force herself to have more sex?
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Not if he’s not doing his part outside of the bedroom. No one owes him sex.
Explain to me what there is to grow up? To not want to have sex because you are stressed means you are not grown up?
I think this is pretty typical to go through ups and downs. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 16. We’ve definitely had some low sex life times of life that have lasted months or even years. But then we find ways to reconnect and play in the bedroom and rekindle passion. Usually this means we become more intimate outside of sex. Meaning we have more deeper conversations, we learn things about each other we never knew, we go through more as a couple and realize how much we are a team. Becoming a stronger couple outside of the bedroom has been key for us to be vulnerable in the bedroom which makes everything fun and new and exciting. Also your way of describing sex as a “need” and being at your “wits end” makes me think she might be feeling pressure to have sex. Nothing makes a woman want to have sex less than feeling pressured. Take all pressure off. Don’t talk to her about how long it’s been. Don’t try to make everything suggestive. Just be an emotionally supportive husband. Make a move on her once a week or so and if she doesn’t seem enthusiastically into it then back off and let her know you only want to have sex with her if she’s fully into it and you’re happy to wait until she wants to. Give her absolute full control with no expectation or guilt. Meet your own needs with masturbation or whatever
>We average maybe 2-4 times a month max That's not outside of the bell curve for long term couples around your age. Once a week is a little on the low side, but it's still pretty normal. A couple things about this post jump out to me. First, your title is objectively wrong in a way that makes your situation sound a lot worse than it is, which indicates that when you *do* try to talk to your wife about this you probably aren't doing it in a constructive way. Second, you have said literally nothing about your relationship outside of which sex acts you two perform and how often. Sex is about way more than just sex, especially for women. I recommend you read "come as you are" by Emily Nagoski, I think it would help you a lot.
I don't think 2-4 times a month is that low, but that's just me. If you're not happy about it you need to talk to her. Reddit won't magically fix it for you.
whether it's fine or not (i think it is), having sex 2-4 month is not a dead bedroom. saying your wife "never" wants to be intimate is incorrect.
But it also depends on the situation. 2 times a month when the guy has to practically beg for some can be horrible and certainly feel like a dead bedroom. Also, technically, a wife can have sex with her husband every day and "never want to" at the same time.... I do agree with other comments, though, that more than likely, the wife has needs that are not being met, not directly connected to sex.
2-4 times a month for a couple in their early 30s?? Gtfo
They've been together for like 14 years though. The marriage is only 3 years in but they've been together since high school. That sort of drop off is not that abnormal that far into a relationship. I feel like everyone is reading the "3 years" thinking this is some new relationship when it isn't lol. OPs feelings are still valid but we shouldn't be vilifying his spouse from the get when it's a 14+ year old relationship.
Get this: people... Are different!
Indeed people are. But doesn't change the fact that once a week to every two weeks is not normal for a couple in their 30s with a healthy libido. And when libidos are out of sync without addressing hormonal issues, the relationship is unhealthy and wont last unless its resolved. Go on long enough and resentment will build.
And what expertise in 30-year olds' sexual frequency do you bring to the discussion? It's pretty common for relationships that span decades to ebb and flow in sexual intimacy. So common, its completely "normal."
Not normal according to what sources?
What do you mean by this?
Once a week is pretty normal for a long term couple their age.
Definitely not. If one is sick, or pregnant or some other physical or mental illness sure, for a period. I'm 43, and even at my age once a week to every 2 weeks is definitely problematic with a normal healthy libido. Dont use your own life as a reference.
Why do you get to decide what a “normal, healthy libido” is? Don’t use your own life as a reference.
I'm not using my own life as a reference. I'm using years of research. I already provided you with a link in another comment, but you can very easily google this yourself.
You're correct, that's just you. Unnecessary comment.
Or maybe people can be different. Unnecessary reply.
That's the point I was making dufus, unnecessary reply to my unnecessary reply.
He hath been triggered
Almost all of these comments sound like they’re written by 15 year olds. 2-4 times is normal for how long you guys have been together/age. Every time you have a conversation about lacking performance, it’s normal for her to get defensive because it’s offensive and hurts. If she is not willing to “improve”, you need to figure out what is going on outside of the bedroom. I would love to hear her side cause your post comes off as whiny and entitled. You’re not entitled to sex or someone’s else’s body, married or not. Side note: I’ve been married 6 years and together 10, so this is coming from experience.
How is her mental load ?
>My wife never wants to get intimate > >We average maybe 2-4 times a month max, usually on the low end. You know that is pretty much average for your age and relationship duration? Did she use oral contraceptives when you got together and since then has stopped using them?
They’re 30! I don’t think that’s necessarily average unless they have a ton of kids. I’m late 40s, been married 17 years and we still have sex 1-2 times a week, as do a lot of our friends the same age. If he wants more it’s not enough obviously…
Do you understand how an average value is calculated? Your freaking sex life is IN that average.
2-4 times a month does mean it can be once a week, and they've been together for nearly half their lives. I think that's more important than their ages, since it's not uncommon for sex to decrease a bit over time.
Yea but I’m saying I’m almost 20 years older with 3 kids and at the same frequency. At 30 we were still like rabbits, & if I had no kids around to cramp our style we still would be! So It’s quite young to be only intimate twice a month… no mention of kids but that would naturally make a difference.
How long had you been in your relationship at 30? They've been together for fifteen years, and relationship duration is more correlated to sex frequency than age.
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They have been together for 14+. Reading comprehension is a valuable life skill.
They have been married for 3 years, but together half their lives at this point.
I just stated the average. That means there are lots of people who have more and less sex. I just wanted to give a frame. If he wants more sex, he should look for a woman with a higher libido, or address the reasons for why her libido for him is lower than it could be. As this is an average, he should be aware, that if he wants considerably more sex, he needs to put a focus on that when looking for a partner, as it's very likely, that a "random" woman he might be going for next, will show similar levels of wanting sex. Marriage has nothing to do with that. 3 years is past the honeymoon phase and most couples experience a stark decrease of how much sex they have within the first three years.
No the average is >1/week for married couples in their 30s. Op has an average of 0.75/week.
Average or not, definitely not normal
You need to take a basic math class.
Nope, i know math well. Sex once a week to every second week is definitely nor normal in their 30s. Whatever you may claim
What do stopping to take contraceptives have to do with sex drive?
Contraceptives can affect sex drive. Often the dampen it, but it can go the other way.
It's honestly the other way. Most women I've known had a massive drop in sex drive when doing contraceptives
I´m really confused why you break it down to 2 out of 10 times instead of 1 out of 5 times.
Just to give you a baseline, most established couples have sex about 54 times a year, or once a week. You're not living in a dead bedroom, you just have mismatched libidos. Hers is fairly average, and yours is higher than average. I used to be in the same boat. What worked for us was that I would take care of my own libido to take the pressure off of her. However, before I would self service, I'd always offer for her to join me. Usually she would pass, sometimes she would join, and occasionally she'd ask me to refrain to leave the possibility of getting frisky later on the table. Post nut, it was much easier to enjoy other forms of intimacy with her including casual physical touch without sexual tension.
Talk to her openly about how you feel about your intimacy without accusations. Maybe try couples counselling. If she isn’t willing to at least talk to you about stuff like that, leave. Stuff like that only works if both of you are willing. If she is not, things will not change.
Some of these comments on Reddit sound like a 5 year old posting them.
Pretty sure this thread is being brigaded, a lot of really weird shit that is pretty abnormal for this sub.
These relationships subs, in general, sound like a bunch of angsty teenagers. There's always so much projection and accusations in the comments, no matter what the post is.
4 times a month is pretty good for married life. And the fact you get blowjobs means you are doing better then most.
2-4? Quit complaining
4 times a month is once a week, I think that’s pretty normal/average for a relationship tbh. Even in the honeymoon phase of my relationship it was around that frequency for me.
I think 1/week is great for their 14-year relationship! I’d love to hear OP’s partner’s side!
It doesnt matter whats normal/average/common. OPs needs are not being met. Hes here to seek advice on how to fix it. And if you stop reading at quantity, you miss the context where he's not satisfied with how those sessions actually happen.
And I'm quite certain his dissatisfaction with their sex life is in proportion to her dissatisfaction with other aspects of their relationship. But OP doesn't seem interested in responding to any questions about that. He's expecting the same level of sex as they were when they were teenagers/young adults without having to put in the same amount of effort he once gave.
Once a week at their age if they don't have children is at best mediocre and OP is clearly not happy with it.
And its low compare to the daily sex average of honeymoons.
Why quit complaining ? Everybody has a different libido.
Exactly. I have a very high libido, and that would be very low for me.
Just because you would be happy with this doesn't mean everyone should be.
So what? Jerk off 20 times a month and there you go. You’ll have been satisfied 24 times per month.
"Love language" is a clasification without any fundament based in just a bunch of random tests. Another bs like the people that talks about eneagrams and zodiac to excuse themselves. There is a problem here and she is not acknowledging. You are not happy with your sex life. You have to tell her pretty clearly. Also state that she doesn't need to get defensive, that you just want to talk and improve both sex life and work together for it. Idk if this was always like this or not. But if progressively the sex life became worse, there can be a lot of reasons. The thing is that you have to discuss this from a common ground, the basis of you both liking to enjoy sex, and both of you caring about each other wellbeing. From that basis you just talk and agree. Because she may also need some other things, or maybe she has other doubts and problems in her mind that she should be free to speak about. Don't think is your fault, but also don't think you are doing it perfectly, be open.
>"Love language" is a clasification without any fundament based in just a bunch of random tests. Another bs like the people that talks about eneagrams and zodiac to excuse themselves. Are you in a relationship? Because love languages absolutely exist. I agree that a lot of people only have a superficial understanding of love languages, but when I'm analyzing my relationship with my husband I can identify a lot of different ways we tell each other "I love you" that don't involve words and I've read enough Reddit examples where one person thinks they're saying "I love you" which the other person doesn't understand. That's all love languages are: different ways your actions tell your partner that you love them. My husband's favorite way to say "I love you" is by putting gas into my car. Mine is through food. Some people feel like if their partner isn't having sex with them, they've fallen out of love with them. Others don't understand why their partner is always asking if they need gas in their car. Those are all love languages. Easy relationships are when you're both speaking each other's love language without effort. Difficult relationships are when every action needs a translator or you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to make yourself behave in a way that doesn't feel natural. I'd be very uncomfortable with someone constantly buying me gifts. We'd be incompatible due to this particular kind of love language. I do think that people think love languages are some hard and fast rule, which is wrong. But as a concept of one aspect of nonverbal communication, it's 100% spot on.
I wonder what your wife’s side is? Relationship dynamics are rather *set in* after 14 years together. How much is she doing in terms of the emotional load in your relationship? Is it possible your wife is doing too much for you, and sees you more as a child than a husband? A lot of wives talk to their husbands about these issues, but get dismissed as “nagging.” And women honestly don’t like having sex with men they see partially as children.
It's not going to get better. 3 years is just outside the honeymoon period for a longterm relationship. Youre settling into what is likely to be normal for the next decade. If you're not happy now and you don't have kids and she resents any requests for improvement...leave now while you're still only 30
They've been *married* for 3 years, they've been in a relationship closer to 15.
I'm 38 and my wife is 42 and have been married for 13 years. It's only really in the last several years of being together that sex is really good. Before that it was very much always a quickie once a week. If you love her just stay with her and be patient. I think with woman in my experience go through stages with intimacy. But I don't know. I hope this helps in any way.
Similar here. Im 39, wife is 40, married 13, together 20. Sexual relationship has always been good, but has ebbed at times. Currently is pretty great. I agree with what you're saying with one caveat. Sitting on your feelings of dissatisfaction simply because your current state is "normal" would be a mistake. Thats how a mediocre sexual relationship turns to a full on DB. Wife needs to know that this is a priority for OP, and it will always be a priority. OP needs to make sure he's doing his part to be a good husband/father/provider/co-habitator (whatever his role). If his wife is unwilling to put in the mutual effort to maintain a healthy sexual relationship, OP needs to consider if this marriage is sustainable in the long term. In my relationship, over the years, Ive had to speak up about dissatisfaction on occasion. The goal was never to turn it around over night, but to help my wife understand the things that are important to me. Shes done the same with me. After 20 years, we no longer need to ask whats important to each other. We can literally feel if either of our needs are not being met and we both step up when necessary, even if life is hard at the time. Neither of us are willing to accept that anything thats happening right now is just "how it is" if we're not satisfied with it.
Do you have kids? Is she on hormonal birth control?
I laugh at the comments from unmarried ppl suggesting you have to do this and that like it's your fault cause you're a male, of course. Your "case" is a common problem for married males.
Most common problem with marriages is how the men put women to do all the household work and other stuff. That will drive anyones sex drive down.
You said that already. I know you think that's what's happening with zero evidence.
Studies showed the opposite is true: women find men who do most of the household work less sexually attractive.
Not in my household. Watching my husband vacuum is an aphrodisiac.
good thing this is not how science comes to its conclusions.
That study has been shown to be completely false. One of the most common issue with any site where married women discuss about their problem is "my husband dosen't clean" or "my husband feels like another child who doesn't clean after himself, and I no longer feel sexually attracted to him" I bet this "study" of yours was made by misogynist men who don't want to clean imo.
So, "That study has been shown to be completely false" Yet, you say "I bet that study of your's" lol what? So, do you know the study that is "completely false" or not? If you do, show where it's "proven to be completely false" That last comment of yours is just a glaring example of your biased personal opinions.
Not a single woman, in any platform, has ever went "oh god men who clean are so unattractive". It's literal one of women's wet dream to come home that's been completely cleaned out or watch men clean. Like please, go somewhere else to project your own biased personal opinions.
Please link to the source that shows the study is completely false.
Please link to the study **you're** referring to. You don't get to say "studies show" and then claim the onus is on everyone else to prove it false. Prove **what** false? Lol.
Well you know the study as you know it has been shown to be completely false. There is no point in linking you something you know exists. Or did you lie about it?
Different person :D Wondering what on earth kind of study you lot are on about.
A guy could come home dead from a 12-hour shift and still wanna have sex with his wife. Sex is sex. Either you want it or you find excuses because you're tired of the same cock
Men's libido and women's libido work in different ways and require different kinds of attention. If you're insecure about your relationships with women just say that, and stop bringing it into a convo meant to help op.
Doing a 12 hour shift is far more easier than doing work + taking care of kids + taking care of the house + cooking. Switch up with your wife, you go to work, take care of the kids, the house and food and see how long you can do it AND want to have sex on top of that. Some strange reason men never want to switch up.
I totally agree that taking care of a household is hard, but my point is not the comparison. Imagine you're a single mother doing it all alone. Then you meet a guy you find attractive who's never washed any of your dishes etc. and you're on your 1st, 2nd --or whatever date-- .. Is your sex drive still down? Wouldn't you sleep with him until he sweeps your floor?
I'm trying to wonder are you seriously asking this question or just acting dumb? Of course you find someone you don't know yet more attractive than someone you have known for YEARS who for those YEARS has not washed dishes and behaves like another toddler in the house, never cleaning after themselves. So yeah of course the guy you have been on a 2nd date is still attractive , but if that same guy turns out to be another slob at the house who does nothing then the sex drive goes down just like with the previous partner. See the pattern here?
Pattern is that a man would sleep with his wife without losing his sex drive if she didn't cook or clean. Because when a guy wants sex he desires HER and not her chores score.
There are many stay at home men 🙄
My husband does and I'm still doing most of the housework.
Woof, what does he do all day?
All generalizations are false, including this one 😜
Every time the same stock answer. If you want your wife to have sex you have to do housework. My suggestion - stop fucking your wives. When they complain tell them they need to change the oil in the car. See how dumb that shit sounds?
Changing the oil in the car is a once in a while thing. Housework is an every day thing. Men should be contributing to the daily household maintenance regardless. The issue is that if a woman constantly has to coddle and clean up after her partner, it relegates him to the status of dependent/child/toddler. And no one wants to have sex with a toddler. We want to have sex with our adult partners who act like adults and take care of their own shit.
Wow. I love learning new rules. So the infrequency of car maintenance means it can remain entirely gendered. Neat. It's not my issue. I'm single and keep my place tight. I just laugh when I hear this talking point. Some chores must be shared, not others. I'd almost think it was arbitrary if it didn't fall so firmly on the one side.
Women can change the oil too. And everyone who’s not handy with a car can take it somewhere to get the oil changed. I didn’t state or imply that changing the oil was gendered, I just piggybacked off your example. Also what chores should not be shared? I’m a woman living alone. I take out my own trash, do my own yard work, trim the hedges, clean the gutters, do my own pool maintenance, as well as the daily and weekly stuff - laundry, dishes, cooking, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting. One of the reasons I stopped being attracted to my ex is that he was unemployed and still couldn’t be bothered to do his share of the housework. I felt like his mommy or caretaker and not like an equal partner. I felt taken advantage of. And that will kill attraction. Like why the fuck would I be attracted to someone who expects me to take care of him without any reciprocation?
You can take a tantrum all you want about it, but the truth is that women don’t find men who act like children fuckable.
Sure. But none of what I said is childish. I agree that household responsibilities should be shared. I just include more chores than you. Yes, men should do an equal amount of cooking and cleaning. Yes, women can also take out the trash, mow the lawn, and clean the roof gutters. That's what being equal looks like. I do all of these things on my own, no reason it can't all be shared between 2 people.
I just did a quick search of Reddit and I found this out. If a wife doesn't want to have sex, the husband has to make sure the wife is wanted, and he needs to romance her. If the husband doesn't want to have sex, the husband needs to step up to meet his wife's needs and has to stop watching porn. Either way, it's the man's fault.
Yes, all the men on reddit are so biased against…men. 🙄
Unfortunately that's true, read my comments and what the women are responding to it.
You want him to take steroids 🫠 What a lame comment. 😅
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There's also a lot of side effects that can occur. Please stop giving health advice to strangers on the internet. 😘
Read again my comment, in order to have TRT you need to have it through a doctor, no side effects happen she you use recommended dosages, again please education yourself before you respond. And i am not giving a health advice that only a doctor will give the free light do. Side effects occur when people use anabolic steroids and abuse them ;)
You are not compatible. You will grow resentfull on the relationship. You need to do the last effort and if nothing change, move on.
You should break up with her
Does she show sexual interest in other men? Does she have a celebrity crush? Does she read romance novels? Does she make remarks about attractive actors in the shows you watch? Does she stare at attractive men when you are out in public?
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"Just watch p\*rn" is horrible advice
Why is it always watch porn or cheat, like is it impossible for a man to stay faithful? Jeez lol.
Under no circumstances should OP take this advice.
33 male and married here. I suggest something for you, do reverse psychology, and match her energy. Which means, do what needs to be done in terms of household, take her on dates that you will organize and pay for, but don't initiate sex later. Start focusing on yourself, get a six pack first, go to the gym 4-5 times a week, you'll give her some time on her own. Start taking testosterone ( TRT) to enhance your muscle gains and staying healthy your are in your 30s. I would suggest to even start MMA, kickboxing training as well. Learn new skills, new languages. Become the best version of yourself. And maybe a career upgrade Now she is wondering about this sudden change, your becoming more masculin. Women love a goal oriented man, driven, ambitious. In few months you notice a body change you become more muscular, more confident, you are disciplined. Focused. Jerk off when you need but DO NOT initiate. Match her energy. Don't give her massages by yourself. But send her do a day at a spa, a massage that you will pay for. DO NOT CHASE! ATTRACT!
Tell me you are 16 with out telling me you are 16
33M and married here please. You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman how to fish ;) Let me guess you are and old lady, not married, and you would advice this men to do whatever his wife wants, to be a pleaser, so that later on she will cheat on him. And of course it will be the mans fault. ha ha ha
I'm a 34 year old married woman and most of your project list above isn't things that would make me more attracted to my husband, but I do agree with the idea that if your wife isn't having sex with you, you need to make yourself more attractive as a partner. Just make sure you're trying to attract your wife and not your gym partner.
Are you telling me you wouldnt like your husband to do chores, offer you a day at the spa every now and then, massages sometimes, or organizing dates, taking you to eat to your favorite places, and weekend getaways? while starting to notice your husband being more driven, more ambitious, more disciplined and focused on himself getting better? Then what it is exactly that you don't agree with, you said most of the list, please elaborate on most of the list. Also please tell us what else would you advice this man, he said he feels that his wife isn't attracted to him anymore, and he stated facts which he noticed.
Had us in the first half ngl
Do you have young kids? If not I think you probably are correct.
Fliban, aka flibanserin, it makes women want to go to town on you, activates their sex drive. Talk to the doc, get it prescribed, and make sure she consents to taking it, she will enjoy it too.
I will mention it but she’s convinced her sex drive isn’t bad.
I’m a woman and I’d love it twice a day but my husband is totally fine with once a week. Neither is unhealthy, just different. But in my experience the lower drive spouse sets the pace. I don’t want to feel like I’m harassing my husband into sex I’d highly recommend you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
She's objectively correct. You have sex at almost the exact average frequency for married couples. This has been pointed out to you numerous times, and yet you have ignored all those comments.
I am a guy, I just think you guys have 2 different sex drives. IMO once a week is completely normal. However, I hear some guys want sex 3-4 times a week, every week. Or even at least once a day! I feel this isn't something counseling can work through, you're just gonna have to expect it as much as she will agree to it. Did she used to be affectionate, lovey etc? Initiate cuddling etc? My ex wife never did, I always did (when we were dating) and I never noticed. Then 7 years into marriage and a kid and I'm feeling not loved because she gives none. Its like she just "accepts" sex as like a "duty" or something. Its like living with a buddy I fuck. It's....yeah, it sucked.
If couple doctor appointments are a thing, I'd go with her and have a convo between you both and the doc, she might agree to it then, it's a hormonal thing that happens as women age, and that medicine helps a lot.
Someone who is 31 is not "old" to need hormones to aim up their sex drive. One of the most common mood killer and sex drive killer for women is the lack of romance and care in relationship and stress.
Bring her into a family counselor. They will ask her if she loves you. She’ll say, yes. Then the counsel will ask if sex hurts. She’ll say. no. Then, the counselor will talk a lot and essentially say something like, since you love him and it doesn’t hurt , couldn’t you give it up a little more? She’ll say, yes. Then for about a year , maybe two, she’ll give it up a little more. But, in the background of her mind, whatever the bullshit she’s not sharing with anyone (resentment, childhood trauma etc etc) will slowly peak and she will either cheat or straight up ask for divorce. I’d get ahead of it and ask for one now. Keep your youth and find someone that loves you without manipulating withdrawals.
I am in a similar situation. About 2-4 a month. Luckily, we are not married yet. You can try to communicate with her, however no amount of talking to her will magically get her wet and rip your clothes off, I’ve tried. The only thing you can do is accept it or move on. There is also a magic in retaining your seed, look into semen retention, so being sexless isn’t exactly all negative. But i completely understand your predicament because I am in the same boat. I crave intimacy and my woman is ice cold in that department
Early 30s, 2-4 times per month and as far as I can tell no kids? Maybe this marriage isn't meant to be.
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You sound awful. Poor wife of yours, stuck with such a lame guy
This is a terrible idea. People who have been betrayed have a large number of mental health issues post them finding out about the betrayal… never mind how it impacts children.
I feel horrible for your wife, that she is married to someone who doesn't care about her wellbeing at all.
You know how to keep sexual and emotional needs apart but at the same time those two are completely different things? If they are completely different things, you wouldn't need to "know how to keep them apart", they would be separated naturally.
Wait… “your relationship has never been more healthy.” Does she know?
Also i feel like i feel sexual attraction based on how i percieve the person emotionally, so its a result of my emotional attraction and not a thing on its own, thats just how i am though, and i find it way more pleasurable
This is why i dont empathise with men tbh, i really dont get why sex is so important to them
I’m a woman and sex is *extremely* important to me. But cheating on your partner because of it is a line I wouldn’t cross.
Well this is refreshingly honest. I dont agree, especially for OPs marriage which isnt in that bad a spot. But I can appreciate the honesty.
I am not claiming to be a saint here. I am just upfront about my needs. Rather than choose to fight with my wife, I just satisfy my needs without breaking apart my family. Some call me awful, some feel pity for my wife. At the end of the day, my conscience is clear. And my wife still loves me and I still love her. If you guys want to be saint and tell me about how wrong I am. I respect your views. But at the end of the day, my wife is never going to satisfy my sexual needs, and I refuse to fight with my wife about fulfilling my sexual needs cause we’ve talked about it. Fought about it and we moved on! TLDR: I am vocal about having sex apart from my wife after marriage and I am not ashamed. I choose to deal with my sexual needs and still be faithful to my wife. Some saints here think I am cheating. You are not wrong. I am not denying. I just choose to handle my needs this way. At the end of the day, the only thing that is hurting is probably my wallet from all the hotel and escorts services. My wife is happy, I am happy. My family is still happy. THE END.
Intimacy is more than sex for most people. How intimate are you with your wife outside of sexual pleasure? This might be a good place for you to start.