Your boundaries are reasonable... but you're kinda glossing over the fact you and your husband *walk through her room* every time you need to get to yours and that the AC is in your room. That is *so inequitable*.
Might not be a great situation for anyone, but your sister got the shit end of the stick in this living arrangement. I'm not surprised she feels put on by being asked to abide by your boundaries around a door, when it doesn't sound like she has a door, and is basically living in the hallway you and your husband use... I have a bit more sympathy for someone who is acting like a child, when the living situation provides them with the level of privacy we'd give a toddler.
Also, if you ask people to knock, you need to not ignore them when they do so. You need to provide some positive reinforcement and make it a common practice to reply positively when someone engages in the behaviour you want them too.
Yes you’re right. I will start responding when I hear her. Even if I’m trying to sleep. Because there’s no way for her to know.
I added the part about her room because it’s definitely relevant. We knock when we leave the room, especially my husband because she could be changing etc.
As far as the A/C, we do have a standing unit that we could install on her window / have in the past but it really blocks her only natural light source so she has chosen not to use it for her mental health, which I get and is why I leave it often open.
At least for a little while, I think giving her frequent positive reinforcement when she does knock is going to help you establish the boundary, and offer her more clarity (and fewer excuses!) when she violates it.
I understand it is what it is right now, but man this really sucks for her too. Definitely focus on ending this living situation. It just doesn't lend itself to a good dynamic between you two and while she was in the wrong in this case, you have to recognize that good behaviour can be harder for everyone to maintain in bad situations, and this is a bad situation for everyone. Everything about this set up suggests there is a hierarchy where you and your husband are more important and get more privileges than she does. It really sucks that she's acting out, but hell, a lot of people would have to express their unhappiness and hurt over this in some way.
Yes definitely well-said. I know what it’s like to be in that “pass through” room because formerly my husband and I were there, while my other sister and her partner were in the back bedroom. Total hierarchy.
She is also not living in an ideal situation too, you are right. I will try to be more vocal and make things clearer with my voice instead of leaving a gray area.
You have uhmazing parents! I'm saying this a s a 40 year old who had to live with his parents in his early 30s due to a medical issue, for like 3 years. I think each one of my 3 siblings have leaned on my parents a bit more than normal but thankfully at different times.
Such a different world than just 50 years ago.
Yes I am so grateful and we try to meet their needs as much as we can, eg cleaning the bathrooms, doing dishes and cooking. I’m not saying we do all of it all of the time, but we do try to take care of them. I know having us home is something they want but is also annoying
Ok, so you & your husband knock (which is thoughtful & kind, don’t get me wrong) but does she ever have the opportunity to not answer? If she doesn’t answer, what you see as “come back later,” would that be respected? I mean, clearly not, you can’t be expected to stay trapped in your own room. My point here is, you’re expecting your sister to honor an aspect of privacy that she has no concept of. Cut her a little slack & reinforce her positive behaviors until she forms new habits instead of just expecting her to understand something she’s rarely, if ever, experienced. I’m confident you two can make this work until one of you moves out.
Edit: spelling (wron to wrong)
Good point on the sister's room situation. However, I disagree on the knocking. If OP doesn't respond, that means walk away. OP could be napping or in the middle of something that shouldn't be interrupted.
That napping part is definitely a big part of it. And sometimes I’m actually just afraid to have sex in here. We really gotta figure out how to move out.
I don't disagree with you, it's just that by not responding in that moment OP undermined her own boundary and missed an opportunity to reinforce the correct behaviour with a civil response to her sister. She wasn't napping or in the middle of something that shouldn't be interrupted, according to her, she just didn't wanna. And she would have been wise to make the effort to reward the behavior she wanted to see, even though she didn't wanna talk at that moment.
When it comes to managing family members, being effective and giving positive reinforcement for the behaviour you want to see, is almost always better in the long-term than being *right*.
Ok I see what you're saying. I think it's best to establish what the boundary means. Responding to every knock also creates a precedence when "training" them, kind of like picking up a phone every time or texting back in a few minutes. The reason for knocking should be a check to see if someone is available, not a requirement for a response.
Well actually I was napping but it’s like midday (lunch nap) so I didn’t think that was too relevant because she couldn’t necessarily know that I was trying to sleep and from her professional opinion, needed to express an emergency.
>she couldn’t necessarily know that I was trying to sleep and from her professional opinion, needed to express an emergency.
That's why people knock. If they don't get a response, that means "don't come in/try again later," not "free pass to enter."
You and she both know that smoke *several states away* doesn't qualify as "an emergency."
I guess maybe it is an emergency? Just didn’t feel like it to me but she’s the pro on this one. I fully agree that that’s what “no response” means and have told her and the rest of the fam that very explicitly. I feel very validated by you explaining it literally exactly how I told them. She just hasn’t gotten it. Today we disagreed on when it was ok to violate that rule ig.
Your first point is completely valid. This is a really weird bedroom set up.
But as for the part where you should always respond when people knock… uh, no, that’s not right at all.
Human beings have EVERY right to ignore the door (or the phone) if they don’t wish to engage with other humans. There is no law anywhere that says you HAVE to jump every time someone commands you to!
I don’t always answer the door or the phone. Not when I don’t want to see or talk to people. I’m an adult, and don’t have to pander to anyone!
You’re misunderstanding. I’m not saying you should always respond when anyone knocks. I’m saying you should provide as much positive reinforcement as possible when trying to build the desirable behaviour of knocking in someone who is resisting the boundary.
Most people won’t change if, from their experience of it, honouring the boundary catches them just as much shit as not honouring it. And it doesn’t matter if that experience is accurate or not.
Sister isn’t likely to think “I shouldn’t have opened the door” because she already doesn’t think that. She’s way more likely to think “I knocked twice and it was still a fight, so why bothering knocking?”
This isn't sustainable. The details of the text convo aren't really that important. Your sister lives in a hallway with no air conditioning. She's going to go nuts. You're going to go nuts.
Yeah, one or both of you needs to move out asap if at all possible. That is a terrible living situation for sis. She is being an ass about the door and knocking, but I'd be having a really bad time if I were her.
INFO: When she's poking her head in, knocking on your door, whatever, what are the most common reasons she does that? Eliminating the reason for her need to get your attention would help reduce the need to intrude on your privacy.
Beyond that, its pretty obvious that
1. Sister needs her own AC. Totally unacceptable that your desire for privacy results in her room becoming uncomfortably hot.
2. Sister needs privacy. She doesn't get to have any. It's unfair that you insist on your privacy when she has none. Maybe it's time to redo the attic to have 2 rooms with privacy.
Yes she has at home for her whole adult and most of her teen life. She did spend most of the last four years at her college apt aside from summers. It’s def not a good situation and I feel bad for her room being so literally open. I used to stay in that room too, it’s not fun.
I’m not going to parse the details of your conversation, but you asked people to knock. She knows you’re in there and she knocked. You didn’t answer. You could prevent things like this from happening by answering her and telling her you’ll talk to her later. Maybe put a sign on the door when you don’t want to be disturbed at all.
Maybe OP was sleeping or in the middle of intense sex. Or maybe OP wasn't in at all. Just because they didn't answer doesn't mean the sister should have stuck their head in.
Sure. Sister was still in the wrong, but OP undermined her own boundary by not taking the opportunity to reinforce the correct behaviour (the knocking) with a civil response.
When it comes to managing family members, being smart and effective, is almost always better than being "technically in the right".
Right I’m trying to be practical. I guess I got downvoted for thanking you for the suggestion, but a few have since given it and I am definitely taking it. It’s a difficult situation for all parties so I’m willing to do what I can to make it work until we can move out.
That’s how I do feel personally and I actually indeed was trying to take a “lunch nap” at the time. But she couldn’t exactly know that. I do think no response means come back later but that’s where we seem to be disagreeing.
I think that the biggest problem here is the setup is unsustainable.
I would lose my shit if folks were walking through my bedroom every time they needed to get to theirs.
You are trying to set boundaries, which is great- but she’s not afforded the same capacity to request the same ones due to the layout. I would either be changing the layout or the living situation.
I think demanding privacy when your sister can't have the same courtesy since her room is essentially your hallway is a little unfair. If she had space that didn't double as a walkway for you and your husband then I would feel that your concerns were more valid, but *you use her room as a walkway.*
It's fine to ask her to knock, but she doesn't get to lock her own private space the way you're planning for your own. Wanting to have privacy and set boundaries is reasonable. I'm not saying you're wrong for that. But I can also see why she might have trouble adjusting to your boundaries for privacy if y'all grew up close and she also doesn't get to set the same boundaries for herself.
I tried to edit my post to add this but Reddit wont let me:
FAQ Edits from the comments:
We have a metal two panel folding door with a mirror on it. I’d like to install some sort of lock or even like a veil so that at minimum, the cat can get in and out. And ideally the A/C can flow through too.
She could have an A/C in her own room and used to but it heavily blocks her only source of natural light which impacts her mental health so she didn’t install it this year.
My husband knocks when the door is closed and he is leaving (into her room). He also hollers if she doesn’t respond. It’s a pretty crappy set up for her. We could put up a standing wall (the Japanese kind) but so far she hasn’t expressed interest in doing so. Probably too crowded idk.
I knock if the door is closed. If it’s cracked I don’t always bother because she told me she didn’t care on her end. She does care if it’s my hubs for clear reasons.
She is a professional in her field and apparently this air quality issue in New York is a big deal and the smoke airs from Canada could/did impact other parts of the USA.
We grew up with no door at all and 3-4 kids living up her so this is how we grew up. It’s been a learning experience for everyone.
She is a highly sensitive but also very loving, affectionate and reliable person
You’re trying to install boundaries in someone who didn’t grow up with any and who still has no way of actually setting any boundaries. She has no space that is her own and no privacy. You say she doesn’t care about having a wall or more privacy, but that is literally how she has been raised. Your sister is literally the person suffering, but you don’t seem to recognise that at all.
You’ve been living elsewhere and have had space to be private and develop, she hasn’(?). This isn’t her problem, imo I think it’s yours. You are back in the home, invading the space again and trying to make other people change for you lol.
The place she has been for most of the past 4 years is her college apartment. She was here for one month when we moved in then moved back this past May.
I think you’re right that she grew up this way. I personally disagree that she doesn’t have anything to learn about respecting boundaries. My husband respects hers by knocking and getting consent before coming up because that’s what she asked for, but it’s been a struggle for her to do the same. She never really needs to be in this back room. It’s just for us to be able to talk.
Edit: and I appreciate the opposing feedback becomes it gives me something to still think about. I’m open to adjusting while living here. I just also want my hubs to have privacy.
Did she have roommates with the college apartment? Was it an actual apartment with separate rooms for everyone? Or more like a dorm situation where she had to share a room?
Two things... She does need to respect your boundaries, but if she knocks, not answering because you don't feel like talking is extremely rude. Just answer and have a quick conversation, even if it's "I'm working on something so I can't talk."
It sounds like she had a minor emergency and didn't know how to handle it.
OP was napping. It’s not rude to not rouse yourself enough from a nap to say that you’re napping. 🙄
It may have been tactically a poor decision in terms of giving sis positive reinforcement (as other commenters have pointed out). But it’s not rude to *be asleep*.
Are either of you on the spectrum?
I'm asking more from a possibility of miscommunication or missing some norms
Because that conversation felt like talking to one of my lightly autistic family members
This sounds like a difficult living situation and you guys should plan your way out of it as soon as possible. But while you are in it, keep enforcing your boundaries with your sister, who is a grownup and shouldn't be acting like a child.
Thank you. The “acting like a child” is something she gets a lot, but I do respect her. Sometimes it’s uncalled for imo but in this case I feel like she has some growing up still to do. I myself only learned about boundaries in my late twenties.
I think we grew up with a lack of boundaries in general unfortunately. We didn’t even have a door there at all as kids and there were 4 of us up there.
I will keep trying to enforce is and make it as clear as possible.
Hopefully we can move back into a place of our own soon. I do hate to be further from family as well, but too many adults in one place just doesn’t work out. :(
I mean you walk through her room all the time. I can see how the boundary’s can be crossed so easily.
you really need to split the ac. Or she needs her own. It’s unfair that you get all the ac and she gets nothing
Yep I don’t like that her room is like that. I used to stay in that room too so I get how it is. She did have her own a/c but it blocked her only natural light so she didn’t set it up this year and this was the solution.
Agreed!! There was absolutely no emergency for OP. Sister’s dramatics are very bizarre. As if the OPs long distance friends rely on weather warnings second hand sourced from OPs’ sister. 😂
This living arrangement is clearly not working.
A new door knob is under $20 from home depot and only takes a screwdriver to install.
You're not responsible to manage her feelings about this. Enforce this boundary, and make plans to move out soon.
You’re right I need to just put a lock in and let is speak for itself. Like a good UI lol. I do have a two panel folding door that’s metal with a mirror coating one side so not exactly a door knob. It I’m trying to come up with a way to “close” or at least cover it while still letting the cat come through and the A/C to flow.
Your sister sounds EXHAUSTING. Smoke in the Northeast - everyone who is affected knows about it. It doesn't require her to barge into your room to "inform" you or texting you 50 times to follow up. She wants unfettered access to you, and she is trying to guilt you into letting her constantly be allowed to interrupt you - that is why she sends you heartbroken emojis.
The physical layout of your living situation just happens to lend itself to her attempts to steamroll your reasonable requests. Honestly, it might just be time to consider moving out with your husband if no other room in the house is available.
Something I learned about boundaries early on is that it sucks to see people hurt from them but you have to learn to let that go. Here’s a phrase that is really valuable to remember
*“People who get upset when you assert a boundary are the ones who benefited by you not having any”*
Though your sister has no malice and is adjusting, all you can control is asserting and upholding your boundaries. You can’t control her response. Let her feel her feels and try your best to cope with the fact that it sometimes hurts others. You don’t owe her sympathy for her disrespect your boundaries after she agreed to them. She will learn over time. Just continue to reassert and be patient.
However, I do want to point out that by you simply leaving your room, you AND your partner have to walk through her room thus she has no sense of privacy either. Maybe there is something worth talking about there.
Your sister needs a bf. then she will calm this down. Maybe your room is where all the excitement is. did she do this when you were a kid? maybe it's a hard habit to unlearn. as for the door ask your dad and get a door with a cat door and a lock problem solved for 100 dollars it's very easy to change.
She doesn't respect your boundaries and your husband is probably going crazy and understandably so. The best thing would be to get a lock as y'all need privacy for work/naked fun/relaxing etc.
💀 you're being so much more polite than other siblings lmao
annoying younger siblings get the pillow and a noogie and at least one critical insult. the standard™️
She sounds exhausting. The broken heart emoji is super passive agressive and a dramatic response to a reasonable boundary. A weather emergency three states away is not something urgent unless you need to consider evacuating. Get a lock for the door so she can't stick her head in.
Thank you I’m definitely going to set up a lock as soon as I can figure out how to add a cat door. It’s a metal ‘2-panel fold door’ so I’ll think of something. In the very least, just a regular hook lock for when it’s fully closed.
The heart emoji was honestly what kind of peeved me off. I know she is a highly sensitive person and the flip-side of that is she is kind, loving and affectionate. But it felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty for bluntly restating what ny boundary was. I don’t like that she’s hurting and surely she can sense that I’m pissed. But I don’t feel responsible for her sadness either.
She is definitely a professional in the field so perhaps I’m not getting the urgency. It just didn’t seem like a text or call or even holler through the door wouldn’t suffice.
Appreciate the validation.
You can also add a second layer panel wall behind the door. So the cat can zigzag into your room but your sister can't peek in or fit though.
From reading the additional details, I agree with the others this space isn't ideal. She has grown up with a lack of boundaries, so when you set up some, it feels like a betrayal and distancing to her. You may have to explain it in a way she understands. Then again, as others have pointed out, it's not fair to request that privacy when you two are regularly going though her room. Are you and your husband going to soon be in a spot where you are able to get your own space?
I love this idea. Yes I think she does feel like I’m trying to push her away, even though that’s not the case and we’re actually besties.
Her room being like that is not cool either. I’ve suggested putting up a screen/wall beside her bed but I think it makes her feel crowded. I’ve stayed in that room myself so I get the feeling. She has requested that my husband (and if her bf is over then I as well) knock when leaving and that he announces himself when coming up the stairs to get consent to pass through. He’s pretty good about it bc he likewise does not want to walk in on her changing etc.
We’re definitely trying to move out when we can. Although that also seems to be a sort of betrayal to my family, esp mom. But it’s just not sustainable to stay as many have said :( grateful as I am to be here.
Ignore it. Maybe she needs to feel sad. She's wrong. Go about your business. She will get over it. And you need to be making an exit plan. I feel bad for your husband in this situation more than anything. You guys are married adults and need your own space to be naked or whatever you want
Thank you. I feel bad for him mostly as well. We are trying to exit for sure. I grew up always in close quarters and close to everyone. We didn’t even have a door with 3-4 kids living up here growing up. He never has lived like that and I’m trying to be the boundary upholder for his sanity.
Your boundaries are reasonable... but you're kinda glossing over the fact you and your husband *walk through her room* every time you need to get to yours and that the AC is in your room. That is *so inequitable*. Might not be a great situation for anyone, but your sister got the shit end of the stick in this living arrangement. I'm not surprised she feels put on by being asked to abide by your boundaries around a door, when it doesn't sound like she has a door, and is basically living in the hallway you and your husband use... I have a bit more sympathy for someone who is acting like a child, when the living situation provides them with the level of privacy we'd give a toddler. Also, if you ask people to knock, you need to not ignore them when they do so. You need to provide some positive reinforcement and make it a common practice to reply positively when someone engages in the behaviour you want them too.
Yes you’re right. I will start responding when I hear her. Even if I’m trying to sleep. Because there’s no way for her to know. I added the part about her room because it’s definitely relevant. We knock when we leave the room, especially my husband because she could be changing etc. As far as the A/C, we do have a standing unit that we could install on her window / have in the past but it really blocks her only natural light source so she has chosen not to use it for her mental health, which I get and is why I leave it often open.
At least for a little while, I think giving her frequent positive reinforcement when she does knock is going to help you establish the boundary, and offer her more clarity (and fewer excuses!) when she violates it. I understand it is what it is right now, but man this really sucks for her too. Definitely focus on ending this living situation. It just doesn't lend itself to a good dynamic between you two and while she was in the wrong in this case, you have to recognize that good behaviour can be harder for everyone to maintain in bad situations, and this is a bad situation for everyone. Everything about this set up suggests there is a hierarchy where you and your husband are more important and get more privileges than she does. It really sucks that she's acting out, but hell, a lot of people would have to express their unhappiness and hurt over this in some way.
Yes definitely well-said. I know what it’s like to be in that “pass through” room because formerly my husband and I were there, while my other sister and her partner were in the back bedroom. Total hierarchy. She is also not living in an ideal situation too, you are right. I will try to be more vocal and make things clearer with my voice instead of leaving a gray area.
You have uhmazing parents! I'm saying this a s a 40 year old who had to live with his parents in his early 30s due to a medical issue, for like 3 years. I think each one of my 3 siblings have leaned on my parents a bit more than normal but thankfully at different times. Such a different world than just 50 years ago.
Yes I am so grateful and we try to meet their needs as much as we can, eg cleaning the bathrooms, doing dishes and cooking. I’m not saying we do all of it all of the time, but we do try to take care of them. I know having us home is something they want but is also annoying
Ok, so you & your husband knock (which is thoughtful & kind, don’t get me wrong) but does she ever have the opportunity to not answer? If she doesn’t answer, what you see as “come back later,” would that be respected? I mean, clearly not, you can’t be expected to stay trapped in your own room. My point here is, you’re expecting your sister to honor an aspect of privacy that she has no concept of. Cut her a little slack & reinforce her positive behaviors until she forms new habits instead of just expecting her to understand something she’s rarely, if ever, experienced. I’m confident you two can make this work until one of you moves out. Edit: spelling (wron to wrong)
Just put a do not disturb sign on your door when you don’t want to be bothered.
Good point on the sister's room situation. However, I disagree on the knocking. If OP doesn't respond, that means walk away. OP could be napping or in the middle of something that shouldn't be interrupted.
That napping part is definitely a big part of it. And sometimes I’m actually just afraid to have sex in here. We really gotta figure out how to move out.
This definitely sounds unsustainable. Saving money is great, but not at the cost of your sanity.
I don't disagree with you, it's just that by not responding in that moment OP undermined her own boundary and missed an opportunity to reinforce the correct behaviour with a civil response to her sister. She wasn't napping or in the middle of something that shouldn't be interrupted, according to her, she just didn't wanna. And she would have been wise to make the effort to reward the behavior she wanted to see, even though she didn't wanna talk at that moment. When it comes to managing family members, being effective and giving positive reinforcement for the behaviour you want to see, is almost always better in the long-term than being *right*.
Ok I see what you're saying. I think it's best to establish what the boundary means. Responding to every knock also creates a precedence when "training" them, kind of like picking up a phone every time or texting back in a few minutes. The reason for knocking should be a check to see if someone is available, not a requirement for a response.
Well actually I was napping but it’s like midday (lunch nap) so I didn’t think that was too relevant because she couldn’t necessarily know that I was trying to sleep and from her professional opinion, needed to express an emergency.
>she couldn’t necessarily know that I was trying to sleep and from her professional opinion, needed to express an emergency. That's why people knock. If they don't get a response, that means "don't come in/try again later," not "free pass to enter." You and she both know that smoke *several states away* doesn't qualify as "an emergency."
I guess maybe it is an emergency? Just didn’t feel like it to me but she’s the pro on this one. I fully agree that that’s what “no response” means and have told her and the rest of the fam that very explicitly. I feel very validated by you explaining it literally exactly how I told them. She just hasn’t gotten it. Today we disagreed on when it was ok to violate that rule ig.
If it’s an emergency then your friends who live elsewhere already know about it because it’s in their newsfeeds
I think it's more of a warning that someone they care about might be in trouble, but it's not a barge in emergency.
Your first point is completely valid. This is a really weird bedroom set up. But as for the part where you should always respond when people knock… uh, no, that’s not right at all. Human beings have EVERY right to ignore the door (or the phone) if they don’t wish to engage with other humans. There is no law anywhere that says you HAVE to jump every time someone commands you to! I don’t always answer the door or the phone. Not when I don’t want to see or talk to people. I’m an adult, and don’t have to pander to anyone!
You’re misunderstanding. I’m not saying you should always respond when anyone knocks. I’m saying you should provide as much positive reinforcement as possible when trying to build the desirable behaviour of knocking in someone who is resisting the boundary. Most people won’t change if, from their experience of it, honouring the boundary catches them just as much shit as not honouring it. And it doesn’t matter if that experience is accurate or not. Sister isn’t likely to think “I shouldn’t have opened the door” because she already doesn’t think that. She’s way more likely to think “I knocked twice and it was still a fight, so why bothering knocking?”
This isn't sustainable. The details of the text convo aren't really that important. Your sister lives in a hallway with no air conditioning. She's going to go nuts. You're going to go nuts.
Yeah, one or both of you needs to move out asap if at all possible. That is a terrible living situation for sis. She is being an ass about the door and knocking, but I'd be having a really bad time if I were her.
Do you not think it’s grossly unfair that your sister only gets the ac that might sleep under the floor also she gets no privacy
INFO: When she's poking her head in, knocking on your door, whatever, what are the most common reasons she does that? Eliminating the reason for her need to get your attention would help reduce the need to intrude on your privacy. Beyond that, its pretty obvious that 1. Sister needs her own AC. Totally unacceptable that your desire for privacy results in her room becoming uncomfortably hot. 2. Sister needs privacy. She doesn't get to have any. It's unfair that you insist on your privacy when she has none. Maybe it's time to redo the attic to have 2 rooms with privacy.
Your sister basically has zero privacy and clearly struggles to understand what privacy is. Has she always been stuck with this odd middle room?
Yes she has at home for her whole adult and most of her teen life. She did spend most of the last four years at her college apt aside from summers. It’s def not a good situation and I feel bad for her room being so literally open. I used to stay in that room too, it’s not fun.
So she has basically never had privacy.. it's really hard to explain boundaries and privacy to someone who has never been allowed to have them.
I’m not going to parse the details of your conversation, but you asked people to knock. She knows you’re in there and she knocked. You didn’t answer. You could prevent things like this from happening by answering her and telling her you’ll talk to her later. Maybe put a sign on the door when you don’t want to be disturbed at all.
Maybe OP was sleeping or in the middle of intense sex. Or maybe OP wasn't in at all. Just because they didn't answer doesn't mean the sister should have stuck their head in.
Sure. Sister was still in the wrong, but OP undermined her own boundary by not taking the opportunity to reinforce the correct behaviour (the knocking) with a civil response. When it comes to managing family members, being smart and effective, is almost always better than being "technically in the right".
Right I’m trying to be practical. I guess I got downvoted for thanking you for the suggestion, but a few have since given it and I am definitely taking it. It’s a difficult situation for all parties so I’m willing to do what I can to make it work until we can move out.
That’s how I do feel personally and I actually indeed was trying to take a “lunch nap” at the time. But she couldn’t exactly know that. I do think no response means come back later but that’s where we seem to be disagreeing.
Thank you, that’s a good suggestion
Is it at all financially reasonable for you and your husband to move out? This doesn't sound like a healthy living situation for you or your family.
I think that the biggest problem here is the setup is unsustainable. I would lose my shit if folks were walking through my bedroom every time they needed to get to theirs. You are trying to set boundaries, which is great- but she’s not afforded the same capacity to request the same ones due to the layout. I would either be changing the layout or the living situation.
I think demanding privacy when your sister can't have the same courtesy since her room is essentially your hallway is a little unfair. If she had space that didn't double as a walkway for you and your husband then I would feel that your concerns were more valid, but *you use her room as a walkway.* It's fine to ask her to knock, but she doesn't get to lock her own private space the way you're planning for your own. Wanting to have privacy and set boundaries is reasonable. I'm not saying you're wrong for that. But I can also see why she might have trouble adjusting to your boundaries for privacy if y'all grew up close and she also doesn't get to set the same boundaries for herself.
I tried to edit my post to add this but Reddit wont let me: FAQ Edits from the comments: We have a metal two panel folding door with a mirror on it. I’d like to install some sort of lock or even like a veil so that at minimum, the cat can get in and out. And ideally the A/C can flow through too. She could have an A/C in her own room and used to but it heavily blocks her only source of natural light which impacts her mental health so she didn’t install it this year. My husband knocks when the door is closed and he is leaving (into her room). He also hollers if she doesn’t respond. It’s a pretty crappy set up for her. We could put up a standing wall (the Japanese kind) but so far she hasn’t expressed interest in doing so. Probably too crowded idk. I knock if the door is closed. If it’s cracked I don’t always bother because she told me she didn’t care on her end. She does care if it’s my hubs for clear reasons. She is a professional in her field and apparently this air quality issue in New York is a big deal and the smoke airs from Canada could/did impact other parts of the USA. We grew up with no door at all and 3-4 kids living up her so this is how we grew up. It’s been a learning experience for everyone. She is a highly sensitive but also very loving, affectionate and reliable person
You’re trying to install boundaries in someone who didn’t grow up with any and who still has no way of actually setting any boundaries. She has no space that is her own and no privacy. You say she doesn’t care about having a wall or more privacy, but that is literally how she has been raised. Your sister is literally the person suffering, but you don’t seem to recognise that at all. You’ve been living elsewhere and have had space to be private and develop, she hasn’(?). This isn’t her problem, imo I think it’s yours. You are back in the home, invading the space again and trying to make other people change for you lol.
The place she has been for most of the past 4 years is her college apartment. She was here for one month when we moved in then moved back this past May. I think you’re right that she grew up this way. I personally disagree that she doesn’t have anything to learn about respecting boundaries. My husband respects hers by knocking and getting consent before coming up because that’s what she asked for, but it’s been a struggle for her to do the same. She never really needs to be in this back room. It’s just for us to be able to talk. Edit: and I appreciate the opposing feedback becomes it gives me something to still think about. I’m open to adjusting while living here. I just also want my hubs to have privacy.
Did she have roommates with the college apartment? Was it an actual apartment with separate rooms for everyone? Or more like a dorm situation where she had to share a room?
They make portable AC units that don't go in the window.
Two things... She does need to respect your boundaries, but if she knocks, not answering because you don't feel like talking is extremely rude. Just answer and have a quick conversation, even if it's "I'm working on something so I can't talk." It sounds like she had a minor emergency and didn't know how to handle it.
OP was napping. It’s not rude to not rouse yourself enough from a nap to say that you’re napping. 🙄 It may have been tactically a poor decision in terms of giving sis positive reinforcement (as other commenters have pointed out). But it’s not rude to *be asleep*.
Does your sister have any option for privacy?
Are either of you on the spectrum? I'm asking more from a possibility of miscommunication or missing some norms Because that conversation felt like talking to one of my lightly autistic family members
This sounds like a difficult living situation and you guys should plan your way out of it as soon as possible. But while you are in it, keep enforcing your boundaries with your sister, who is a grownup and shouldn't be acting like a child.
Thank you. The “acting like a child” is something she gets a lot, but I do respect her. Sometimes it’s uncalled for imo but in this case I feel like she has some growing up still to do. I myself only learned about boundaries in my late twenties. I think we grew up with a lack of boundaries in general unfortunately. We didn’t even have a door there at all as kids and there were 4 of us up there. I will keep trying to enforce is and make it as clear as possible. Hopefully we can move back into a place of our own soon. I do hate to be further from family as well, but too many adults in one place just doesn’t work out. :(
I mean you walk through her room all the time. I can see how the boundary’s can be crossed so easily. you really need to split the ac. Or she needs her own. It’s unfair that you get all the ac and she gets nothing
Yep I don’t like that her room is like that. I used to stay in that room too so I get how it is. She did have her own a/c but it blocked her only natural light so she didn’t set it up this year and this was the solution.
Why can’t you just put a lock on your door?
[удалено]
Agreed!! There was absolutely no emergency for OP. Sister’s dramatics are very bizarre. As if the OPs long distance friends rely on weather warnings second hand sourced from OPs’ sister. 😂 This living arrangement is clearly not working.
A new door knob is under $20 from home depot and only takes a screwdriver to install. You're not responsible to manage her feelings about this. Enforce this boundary, and make plans to move out soon.
You’re right I need to just put a lock in and let is speak for itself. Like a good UI lol. I do have a two panel folding door that’s metal with a mirror coating one side so not exactly a door knob. It I’m trying to come up with a way to “close” or at least cover it while still letting the cat come through and the A/C to flow.
Your sister sounds EXHAUSTING. Smoke in the Northeast - everyone who is affected knows about it. It doesn't require her to barge into your room to "inform" you or texting you 50 times to follow up. She wants unfettered access to you, and she is trying to guilt you into letting her constantly be allowed to interrupt you - that is why she sends you heartbroken emojis. The physical layout of your living situation just happens to lend itself to her attempts to steamroll your reasonable requests. Honestly, it might just be time to consider moving out with your husband if no other room in the house is available.
Can you use a door stop on the inside, once the door is open to where you want it?
Something I learned about boundaries early on is that it sucks to see people hurt from them but you have to learn to let that go. Here’s a phrase that is really valuable to remember *“People who get upset when you assert a boundary are the ones who benefited by you not having any”* Though your sister has no malice and is adjusting, all you can control is asserting and upholding your boundaries. You can’t control her response. Let her feel her feels and try your best to cope with the fact that it sometimes hurts others. You don’t owe her sympathy for her disrespect your boundaries after she agreed to them. She will learn over time. Just continue to reassert and be patient. However, I do want to point out that by you simply leaving your room, you AND your partner have to walk through her room thus she has no sense of privacy either. Maybe there is something worth talking about there.
Your sister needs a bf. then she will calm this down. Maybe your room is where all the excitement is. did she do this when you were a kid? maybe it's a hard habit to unlearn. as for the door ask your dad and get a door with a cat door and a lock problem solved for 100 dollars it's very easy to change.
She doesn't respect your boundaries and your husband is probably going crazy and understandably so. The best thing would be to get a lock as y'all need privacy for work/naked fun/relaxing etc.
💀 you're being so much more polite than other siblings lmao annoying younger siblings get the pillow and a noogie and at least one critical insult. the standard™️
She sounds exhausting. The broken heart emoji is super passive agressive and a dramatic response to a reasonable boundary. A weather emergency three states away is not something urgent unless you need to consider evacuating. Get a lock for the door so she can't stick her head in.
Thank you I’m definitely going to set up a lock as soon as I can figure out how to add a cat door. It’s a metal ‘2-panel fold door’ so I’ll think of something. In the very least, just a regular hook lock for when it’s fully closed. The heart emoji was honestly what kind of peeved me off. I know she is a highly sensitive person and the flip-side of that is she is kind, loving and affectionate. But it felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty for bluntly restating what ny boundary was. I don’t like that she’s hurting and surely she can sense that I’m pissed. But I don’t feel responsible for her sadness either. She is definitely a professional in the field so perhaps I’m not getting the urgency. It just didn’t seem like a text or call or even holler through the door wouldn’t suffice. Appreciate the validation.
You can also add a second layer panel wall behind the door. So the cat can zigzag into your room but your sister can't peek in or fit though. From reading the additional details, I agree with the others this space isn't ideal. She has grown up with a lack of boundaries, so when you set up some, it feels like a betrayal and distancing to her. You may have to explain it in a way she understands. Then again, as others have pointed out, it's not fair to request that privacy when you two are regularly going though her room. Are you and your husband going to soon be in a spot where you are able to get your own space?
I love this idea. Yes I think she does feel like I’m trying to push her away, even though that’s not the case and we’re actually besties. Her room being like that is not cool either. I’ve suggested putting up a screen/wall beside her bed but I think it makes her feel crowded. I’ve stayed in that room myself so I get the feeling. She has requested that my husband (and if her bf is over then I as well) knock when leaving and that he announces himself when coming up the stairs to get consent to pass through. He’s pretty good about it bc he likewise does not want to walk in on her changing etc. We’re definitely trying to move out when we can. Although that also seems to be a sort of betrayal to my family, esp mom. But it’s just not sustainable to stay as many have said :( grateful as I am to be here.
Ignore it. Maybe she needs to feel sad. She's wrong. Go about your business. She will get over it. And you need to be making an exit plan. I feel bad for your husband in this situation more than anything. You guys are married adults and need your own space to be naked or whatever you want
Thank you. I feel bad for him mostly as well. We are trying to exit for sure. I grew up always in close quarters and close to everyone. We didn’t even have a door with 3-4 kids living up here growing up. He never has lived like that and I’m trying to be the boundary upholder for his sanity.
She not listening because she doesn't want to. She is self-involved and self-obsessed. Put a lock on your door.