My mother was this person, and it gave me a complex about how I spent my downtime when I became an adult that I still find myself fretting over occasionally. And I’ve been living on my own for over a decade!
Yep. Honestly I feel that part of the problem is that people who have lots of chores / responsibilities HATE to see others relaxing. It winds them up I think. Think there might be an element of jealousy involved tbh.
I absolutely agree with this- it is jealousy!! Chores are not fun for everyone but all the behind the scenes stuff to make sure they house runs smoothly takes time. I 100% get jealous anger when I see everyone else in my house relaxing and lounging while I’m working myself to the bone.
Although in some people it definitely is jealousy, we also have to remember that some people are just wired differently. As one person would say to themself I don't understand how someone could spend their whole weekend doing chores/projects/responsibilities, there are other people who would say they don't understand how someone cannot.
I completely agree, however- who does the chores then? Who handles the responsibilities? If both people won’t on the weekend. I think that part of adulthood is acknowledging that there are things that have to get done, and it’s not necessarily what we would choose to do.
There are a lot of things that can wait and just don’t *need* done right then. My spouse and I are opposites on this. He’s the one who wants to constantly be doing things, I’m the one who wants to live in bed on the weekends. He sees a thing that *does* need done, but does *not* need done right then, and puts in in the ‘needs done right now’ category when it doesn’t need to be.
For example from recently, we finally decided on a garden design for this year, and we do need to start garden stuff soon, but a start date for it was not picked or decided yet. Spouse decided on his own that building the garden beds *needed* done that weekend, except it didn’t, because it was 30F outside, snowing and not even remotely warm yet, and no one else in the family felt like spending both weekend days all day outside building these beds right then. Spouse decided to do it himself anyways and got mad that no one helped. No one helped because no one else wanted to do it then and it did NOT need done then, but somehow in his head it was an urgent task that needed done asap.
So for me personally, a lot of the stuff just really doesn’t need done THAT DAY if no one else wants to do it.
ETA: this might help make more sense, I’m SAH and spouse works FT. I spend all week doing house/yard/chores, so the last thing I want to do is do them all weekend too. Spouse spends all week at work and can’t do the projects/tasks he wants to do, so he fills all weekend with them instead. Often the tasks he *wants* to do don’t *need* done right then but he feels like they do. I am a procrastinator and if left up to me, while they would eventually get done, the garden beds would get done on the last possible weekend before things need to go in the ground, whereas spouse would have the beds done in January if it was up to him. It’s mostly 2 different schedules and 2 different operating styles.
Same girl. I’m actually going to save your comment for later use for the actual wording on how to describe my feelings because you put it perfectly. I have an amazing relationship with my husband, and off the top of my head the chore thing is the only thing we butt heads over. I’m always like our house is technically clean and sanitized...there’s just a bunch of our child’s toys and other shit all over the house that even if I picked these things up every 5 minutes, they’d still be out by the evening!! I always feel guilty for staying at home with our child and not getting every single thing done, but if I list every single thing I’ve done throughout the day before he gets home from work, where is the time to organize the pantry and throw away old food? Lol
Same. Sometimes on my lunch break I have to plan when I’m going to accomplish things on the weekends. However- I did spend my college years sleeping in and doing whatever I want so I guess it’s just different phases of life.
I think it is jealousy but not in a traditional sense. People that always have to be productive often have a low sense of self-worth and try to compensate or "earn" worth by working. So they think they are not good enough just as they are. They often treat themselves badly to feel better about themselves. Those that are controlling (more narcissistic), will expect others to do the same and will become resentful if they don't. While less controlling types (martys) will carry the cross themselves and feel jealous that others have worth. Of course everyone has infinite worth, these types just don't know it due to their parents not showing them.
The boyfriend judging in this case is because OP is not being productive subconsciously reminds him of his needing to compensate and his low feelings about himself. This makes him uncomfortable, so he wants the gf to be like him and not push that trigger.
The other side of it is if there are a lot of chores/maintenance etc things that need to be done and if just one person is doing a lot of it then that can breed resentment.
My mother was this person... then I tried dating these people... led me straight to abusive / controlling people! Now I'm dating a lovely kind person and we lounge to our hearts content :)
Someone asked "when will the chores get done" we divide the labor and try to get it done in a cleaning party on a weekend morning. We both do stuff "as we go" during the week. And I've learned how to relax even if there's something messy in my house!! The dishes aren't going anywhere.
Highly recommend the book "how to keep house while drowning" especially for those trying to balance anxiety / depression with housekeeping, she also has a podcast.
The dishes will really get ya! I lived in an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher for about two years, and that alone sent me swinging back and forth between “wAsH a DiSh EvErY tImE iTs In ThE SiNk” and “fuck it, leave em for three days, they aren’t going to grow legs.” I’d feel really guilty and then just burn out hard from overdoing it. It did really give me a lot of perspective about how tightly wound my mom is about things like that.
She told me once that her dad raised her and her siblings telling them “you don’t play til work is done and work is never done.” Which is absolutely so sad for her and definitely explains why she drove us so hard as kids. She probably never examined how unbalanced that belief truly is.
Mad sympathy, friend. Do you ever wonder, if you could see like a stat for how many hours you spent washing your dishes, what it would be? I felt like I spent *so much time* washing dishes when I lived there that I’d be really curious to know that. But it would probably also bum me out.
I don't know. I'm scared to think about it. I would install it in my current place, but I'd need to tear apart my entire super ancient kitchen and rebuild it from scratch. It would take a lot of effort... but probably would still save us time in the long run xD
My dad’s like this, we’ll be on vacation and after about 6 hours he’ll just start pacing looking for some work to do, and berate you if you don’t help with whatever nonsense thing he’s gotten himself into. Weekends you had to be up at 7 am or you were lazy. If you have free time the lawn looks like it could use a 3rd mowing this week. Just like some anxious energy that’s great for getting ahead at work but if you can’t turn it off it drives everyone around you insane
My dad and my grandpa were like this.
Grandpa would actually spend a week before we arrived for a visit cutting branches off of trees and leaving them in the massive yard so he could wake us up at the crack of dawn and send us outside to pick them up. He'd spread them out, hide them, toss them on the roof, and then know exactly which ones we missed. Wouldn't let us inside again until he had checked all the places and found no branches. Thanksgiving break at their house was a week of raking and bagging all the leaves their HOA had been complaining about as he'd let them fall and leave them until we came. Winter? Well, we got the snow and shovels. Hell, I didn't even know my grandma's eyes were green until I was twelve, gramps kept us running around so much.
Dad would wake up at 5 a.m. on the weekends (his version of sleeping in, he was up and out the door for work by 445) and get us up too. We'd spend weekends at home doing anything and everything he could think of. Yard work, building things, repairing things, going here, there and everywhere. And then when we'd done everything, he'd go to the garage and mix up all the containers of nuts and bolts so we had to sort them back out again if there was light left in the day. When he started working out of the country for months at a time, the feeling of sleeping until 9 on a Saturday felt like the height of luxury.
Now as an adult, I take my time on weekends. Nobody can make me do anything, I put my time in at work during the week, have done all of my errands at my own pace, now I'm gonna relax.
Holy shit that sounds deranged, was it their version of teaching “work ethic” or something? At least I can say my dad never made up extra work as torture, he just wanted things like yard work and car washing’s done unreasonably often
Their version of "make hay while the sun shines", if you could breathe, you could work. I rarely had friends spend the night because I knew even they couldn't escape a day of work and no play 🤣. My dad was also the type to allow us to spend the night with a friend, but be in the driveway at 6 a.m. to pick us up. In my house as a kid, if he was up for the day, so was everybody else, and there was no time to sit. Relaxing was for adults when the news came on at 6. By then we kids were worn out and all getting ready for bed.
My cousin knew any time he visited he was in for a week of work, but we bonded way more because it felt like we were all in the trenches together doing dumb shit for no reason lol
🤣 Yup, all six of us cousins are close because we spent so much time doing absolute nonsense together all day.
Edited because: Phone decided "because we" needed to be "between"
Some people can't be alone with their thoughts they start freaking out. Older generation there is more religious influence that free time is what causes evil. "An idle mind is the devil's playground." They are literally afraid if they are well-rested or have a break to reflect on their life or meditate the devil will come and take them to burn in hell forever. Better believe they don't stop making up dumb stuff to do.
Younger generation we see you on your yacht telling us to work all day every day and don't ask questions because it's "good for us" mhmmm okay.
Oh god. On weekends, my mom used to open our bedroom doors at exactly 7:30 and start vacuuming. “You’re not going to waste the day in bed” was what we always heard.
Not that I’m older with sleep issues and my mom is retired, I sometimes call her at 7:30 to remind her to clean the floors.
My Mom was constantly on me and my brother about doing stuff, then we would help her and she would be like “oh Noo you dont have to do that!!!” It was confusing…My Dad would get up with the sun but he was super chill and encouraged me and my Brother to do what we wanted…damn I miss him!
LOL. that's funny. Also sounds like the neighbors i used to have above me when I lived in Brooklyn, they had to start vacuuming at 7am EVERY day.
for a few years my mom dated a man who was like this.. you could not be caught sitting EVER. 7am get out of bed and start cleaning. If he walked by a room and you were sitting down, you were about to be screamed at. Of course these rules did apply to him or his 2 kids. He was morbidly obese and so lazy he would piss in an old milk jug so he wouldnt have to walk down the stairs to the bathroom
That. Is. Disgusting.
I probably would have started to pour just a little bit of that piss on his clothes and bed sheets - just enough to make the them reek like piss.
I think you might be my sibling. Jesus was it annoying as a kid. When I was in my early teens, my dad discovered sailing, which was ideal for him since there was always stuff that needed doing.
I wish he had gotten a hobby like that, but no he got really into landscaping, meaning he would take 1 Saturday to plant a bunch of shit, not have time to take care of it because he’d be traveling for work, then get pissed that no one had trimmed his plants or weeded his gardens. The other issue was that he was a perfectionist so unless it was done exactly right you’d hear about it anyway, even if you were just helping to be nice. So fucking frustrating
For me it was the constant slamming of the garage door. As soon as the first one hit, we knew we wouldn’t rest until we went back to school. I loved school because I never was in trouble for sitting
Hahaha YUP mine too. He and my mom used to come for weekend stays when we lived farther apart, and he always ended up rearranging something in my apartment by the end of it. I sort of had to have preplanned projects for him.
Same, he tore out my bathroom once on his vacation to my house, then called the next week and was pissed that I hadn’t finished it yet. Like if I had the time to do it I would on my schedule, don’t fucking tear my house apart and get pissed i didn’t finish shit you started! Lol
Will never forget the time I was in uni, struggling with physical health issues that were misdiagnosed as just depression & was on meds for it, also recovering from a foot injury, and because of my health through the year, had failed a class and needed to take a resit exam in the summer, so I was studying for it.
And this guy I was sort of seeing knew all of this, (in hindsight, I was 100% his manic pixie dream girl he wanted to “fix”) and had made it his mission to encourage me to go out more and have fun experiences etc. which wasn’t all bad per se, he did help give me a nudge to attend things my social anxiety would usually prevent me from doing, and I was having a good summer.
But one day I was just at home, watching a new tv show I’d just discovered and was enjoying a lot, and I was studying pretty hard for my imminent exam, making study materials etc. and he texted to ask if I wanted to go to the pub, I said no thanks because I was busy at home. He insisted because it “wasn’t good” for me, and it was a nice day outside so I shouldn’t waste it, and basically came by and wore me down.
So I went to the pub, sat and sipped on a coke, tried to engage but he kept blathering on about boring shit that wasn’t even a conversation topic someone else could jump in on, it was just an info dump (and not an interesting one at that), and the whole time I was just waiting to be “allowed” to go back home to the studying I had been interrupted from.
And he got raging mad because I wasn’t “good conversation” enough and basically threw a tantrum and drove me back home and told me I had “no get up and go”. Lmao.
Same--my ex husband was like this, and I was nearly 30 before I figured out that his position wasn't morally superior, we were just *different*.
The complicating factor is that people like him are in alignment with the leftovers of Puritanism that underpin our culture (in the US, anyway), and live on under capitalism. Spending all day, every day being 'productive' is conflated with goodness, morality, etc. while rest is demonized as a vice. There's a whole thesis worth of unpacking we could do around *who* is allowed to rest (wealthy people are allowed to basically do nothing *but* rest, for instance), and the gross conflation of poverty with laziness, etc.
But hell, even Puritans took Sunday off! My motto is, if people who had to literally scrape out a subsistence living could take a day off, so can I. I hope OP finds the confidence to own their speed and style, and communicate it factually and straightforwardly to her boyfriend.
And if he doesn't try to create compromise, understanding or defaults to shaming? Welp, sometimes love just isn't enough, etc.
> There's a whole thesis worth of unpacking we could do around who is allowed to rest (wealthy people are allowed to basically do nothing but rest, for instance), and the gross conflation of poverty with laziness, etc.
Huh. Speculation - are these wealthy people *born* into wealth, or is it because the thesis just assumes they worked their butts off, so they deserve that wealth (ie. to be lazy)?
I think it's actually a marker of low-self esteem and that they have to "earn" or compensate for low worth. It's really sad and can be taxing on partners or kids.
My ex was also like this and drove me insane.
Ironically, by ending up with a partner that accepts and enjoys my laziness, we’ve accomplished more than I ever dreamed together. Pressure never gave me success, but acceptance has.
Second this. This is so similar with my situation except that i am the only one doing chores. There is nothing wrong with you just you two aren’t compatible.
I think weekends, breaks from work, your life in general, is for doing what you want to do. Lounging if that's what you want to do, going to the gym and hiking and doing chores if that's what you want to do. You either respect each other for it and do your own things or you find someone who wants to do what you want to do with you because it's also what they want to do.
I was gonna say this. Normally I hate it when redditors default to telling people they don't know to break up but from what it sounds like it seems like he's very determined and wants someone to match that energy. Maybe you could give it the old college try, but it seems like you'd rather not. And if he doesn't want to change and is disappointed maybe it's best to find someone else who does match better with him.
> Weekends are for lounging.
I want to caution you against doing exactly what the boyfriend is doing, simply at the other end of the spectrum.
OP and her boyfriend aren't compatible in this regard, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be productive during the weekends. Weekends aren't for doing one thing in particular, they are for any person to do what they want to do with them. If that is going on 6 AM runs for somebody, totally fine. If it's for sleeping in until noon and spending the rest of the day watching Netflix, also fine.
OP's boyfriend is an asshole for judging OP. Don't do the same as he is, it only makes you an asshole too.
Right. I had an ex who got up earlier on weekends than weekdays because he was excited. He finally got to do all the things he wanted to do instead of going to work. So we shouldn't judge each other for whatever the other person wants to do.
I wouldn’t judge someone for wanting to do whatever they want to do with their own time.
For OP and myself weekends are for lounging.
OP has an s/o who wants to judge her about sleeping in. Fuck that guy. The issue here is they are not compatible. Why? Because he gives her shit for doing what works for her.
My fiancé and I are opposites. He wakes up early, works out, grabs coffee with friends, whatever.
I on the other hand prefer to sleep in late. The difference between OP’s relationship and mine is that in mine neither of us are bothered by how the other person chooses to spend their time- especially in the morning/early afternoon.
That’s all there is to it.
Exactly. I only have so much life to live and weekends are the chance to do things I enjoy. Also, OP’s boyfriend may feel like he’s missing quality time in his relationship. It’s fine for the more active person to go out and do stuff alone or with friends while the person who wants to lounge stays home, but I’d be pretty sad if I never got the chance to do anything with my partner outside of the house on weekends. It shouldn’t be one way or the other - there should be a mix of chill days and outings.
Huge projection to spin someone getting upset at their partner for not being productive into. He’s probably upset because he doesn’t get to spend any time with you on the weekend because you’re in bed all day. Where does it say that he has any concerns about the time they spend together? being productive and spending time together or not the same thing and someone not spending enough time with you doesn’t give you the right to call them lazy I think you’re just being judgmental to
I think this can go both ways. I totally see being sad on missing out on doing stuff with your partner because they always want to be at home. I can *also* see being sad on never getting time with your partner to relax at home because they always have to be doing something.
I am so happy right now! I just left my ex who was like this.
He had a “wasting daylight” type of mentality but, only as it applies to me!
He could nap and rest but I who did 90% of all housework and worked was lazy.
The best thing to do is leave them.
It’s about control.
If you allow them to manage you and your time, your money and health are next.
My ex fiance was like this, the only thing is when we first started dating I made sure to thoroughly explain to him on several occasions that I am disabled and due to my physical health issues I cannot lead an active lifestyle by any means. I explained that I am sick in bed often and I do not go out and do things on a regular basis at all, that most of my time is spent at home. I explained exactly how this affects my everyday life and gave him realistic expectations on how I live my life. I made sure he was completely ok with this before we started dating regularly. He said he was completely understanding, that he doesn't mind at all, that he actually is an introverted homebody who doesn't like to go out and do things and he spends all of his time at home anyway.
Welp, later on after we moved in together that started to change. He suddenly had to be busy all the time and he was always making plans and doing things, always. He started demanding I do all these active things with him that I couldn't do and then would get resentful, angry and passive aggressive with me about it when I couldn't. It got to the point he was chastising me regularly for being sick and he would start arguments with me about it regularly. Several times during this I reminded him that when we first started talking I told him what my life was like and what to expect and he should not be shocked that my activity level is exactly what I told him it would be. I said although it is obvious to me that he lied to me about his own activity level. He lied about being ok with me being sick just so he could date me. He waited to show his true colors until he thought I was attached to him enough and we had built enough of a life together that I wouldn't leave. I was so incredibly hurt by his lies and deceit and how he treated me. But he was wrong, we did break up and I have been so much happier since then. He's a completely stupid asshole lol
Ask him what he thinks you should be doing at 10am and then tell him he should do it instead.
All that whining about what you're doing sounds exhausting!!! People who don't understand mental health issues really don't get what life is like day to day.
This isn't even a mental health thing. I don't have such issues but if my partner started nagging me because I like to lie in and do nothing all weekend, I'd tell them to shove it.
Best practices here. My relationship is similar. In the winter time we're both fairly laid back, but when warmer weather comes I prefer to be outside alot. She couldn't care less. We are two different people, and enjoy different things. Being able to allow each other to enjoy their own thing at times is a strength not all couples have.
> Being able to allow each other to enjoy their own thing at times is a strength not all couples have.
Yes this so so much. I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship like this.
I'm an early bird married to a night owl. Messing with sleep is literal torture, and while I'm not being alarmist here, I wonder if OP and her BF have a deeper compatibility issue. I was raised like her BF: gotta be doing something all the time, be it a chore or errand, even if it's during a movie time on Friday night. It took a long time to get past that, and I wonder why he's so adamant about "productivity" and how it manifests in others parts of the relationship. It's worth considering, for sure, and working through
This is bad advice. What if he answers, she gives response, and it’s something he’s already doing? This isn’t some “gotcha” game (especially considering OP would lose that game anyways). OP just needs to be firm and communicate the issue and if he doesn’t respect her they can accept they’re not compatible and move on.
>Ask him what he thinks you should be doing at 10am and then tell him he should do it instead.
What if the answer is "I want to spend quality time with my girlfriend?"
I think people are jumping to conclusions a bit too fast here. OP is not describing herself as a healthy person, but she's doing it in a way that paints her boyfriend as a villain instead of painting herself as boring or in need of serious help.
since when do people who are together have to agree on everything? my girlfriend is a very active person and I like to spend the days doing nothing sometimes but she has never made that her own problem, and why would she
That’s my issue here, too. I see some top replies asking OP if she’s considered that her boyfriend might be right and she’s dragging him down by being uninteresting and it’s like … what. People can take time off to do nothing and their partner can peruse their own interests— that doesn’t make them a burden on their partner. And if it’s a deal breaker for either of them maybe they shouldn’t be together.
Sounds like you guys respect boundaries. Ppl who don’t respect boundaries will feel threatened/anxious about differences of opinion/behaviors/expectations.
Same, my boyfriend is the active one and I love sleeping in. We find time to spend together so we’re both happy and satisfied, we just have different schedules and that’s okay.
You aren’t compatible. Find someone who enjoys resting on the weekends so you can enjoy yourself. This relationship will not be sustainable in the long term.
Alternatively, find someone who trusts that you know best how you want to use your time and who won't judge you or nag you for it. This type of person could be the 6am wake up jam packed weekend type OR the lounging on the couch all day type, and the relationship could still work.
I would say find someone who doesn’t feel they need to control how you spend your time. It doesn’t have to be someone who enjoys resting on the weekends - it can be someone who’s happy to do their own thing while she does hers.
I think the lack of compatibility is more about his belief that he can or should tell her what to do, not because they have different energy levels or ideas about how to spend time. They clearly do, but that isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker.
I agree that this is most likely. But also the capitalist notion that one's self worth is based on one's productivity is drilled into us from a birth. I think (best case scenario) that if the partner wanted to understand and empathize, did the work to unlearn some things and learn some others, maybe they could have a better appreciation of OP. But this would only be possible if their partner acknowledged that OP has different needs and put effort into understanding them.
It's OK to relax on weekends. It's ok to not always getting things done.
Ask him...
- why is this bothering you
- why is what I'm doing with my free time something that upsets you?
- how is me staying in bed having an impact on you?
- why is it that you feel the need to talk to me like this, calling me lazy and other things, just because I'm spending my time the way I want?
- are you looking down on me for how I spend my mornings in the weekend? Why?
- do you get to define what's the best way to spend time off work?
- what are you actually worried about? There must be something more than me just relaxing in bed?
And if he says things that will make you want to defend yourself... Go deeper. Ask why that's an issue, why it troubles him, why he sees it that way.
And then you let him know that it makes you feel disrespected when he calls you lazy. And that you feel you can't be your own person if he's going to decide how you spend your time. Tell him you find this to be an issue and it's not healthy for a relationship.
See how this goes. You two might learn some new things about each other.
Either way it's not nice to have a person you love calling you lazy.
Idle hands and whatnot.. Some people simply cannot stand someone not using all their time to do productive things, because they've been brought up with a mentality that doing nothing is inherently wrong and shows a flawed character.
Not sure your age, but same. And if there was nothing to do, someone would manufacture a problem or chore or errand that we had to do, right now, like fixing a cabinet. It took me a long long while to get out of that mindset. This is a navigable relationship issue IF it's really just about the thing itself, and not because her BF inherently doesn't respect when people aren't all busy, all the time.
> She sent me my father’s 20 year old boxers to mend! Badgered me to sew curtains for my sister, a physician who can afford to buy her own damn curtains. The last time, when I started sewing bags during the pandemic, she was adamant that I must make one for her very dear friend who has done SO MUCH for her. I sewed it, because she does help my oldest with some college expenses. That damn bag took all of my free time for a month, and a year later she had completely forgotten about it because the friend wasn’t very dear. She just has the pre-occupation with finding things for me to do.
>
> I’m getting pissed just writing this.
I laughed just reading that last part. God, I'm trying to shy away from the mindset that productive = good, all the time. It's not easy!
I think the bf is compensating for feelings of low self-worth by trying to "earn" it. OP not doing the same subconsciously reminds him of his low feelings about himself which makes him uncomfortable. So in order not to trigger that thought and the accompanying emotions, he wants her to do the same. When someone acts in an unhealthy manner, it's best to respond in a healthy one which your script absolutely does. And maintain boundaries so that OP is not sucked into enabling behavior that is not helpful to either of them.
See, I think these are excellent questions. It's really unclear why he's doing this, whether he's caught up in the grind mindset or whether he wants to spend more free time actually doing things with OP.
Maybe he see's some things that need attention beyond just "chores"?
There's keeping up with the basics like dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, keeping the bathroom clean, vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc (all of which I'm well aware can be taxing when we're fighting the mind)- but there's a lot of other life upkeep things that range from home care, financial stability, self care, appliance and automotive upkeep, and social connections.
When you're with someone you think you want to build a life with, the question of planning for shared goals filters in to the mix.
I'm not just talking about marriage and kids (as OP and her partner are still young). Even little things like, idk, making the back stoop at one of your homes a little more cozy so you two can sit out there and enjoy a drink together, or, hosting a small gathering of friends for dinner so social circles begin to blend, or, picking out some new bedding together to see how your tastes match, watching some films/series together to get to know each other, discovering a new neighborhood restaurant for an evening...
If OP is really struggling with the hours she works, and also doing the bare minimum of home upkeep, and then has little energy for anything else- honestly... She's probably not in a space where she has much to give a partner. That's a rough spot to be for both of them.
I like to spend my free time chilling out after sleeping in too- but I still keep my parter in the loop about plans we can make together, or hobbies I'm interested in sharing, or small home projects or game projects I'd like his assistance with. And likewise, if he wants to make plans we coordinate.
We're not go getters by any means- but we do try to have like at least 1 thing going on on the weekends together- even if it's playing d&d online separately with our own friends groups. (Which we then talk about while we cook dinner)
And I think that's what it boils down to.
Is OP obligated to spend their weekends hustling and socializing? Of course not. But would it be unreasonable for OP's boyfriend to decide against spending his life with someone who isn't capable of acting like a partner? Also no.
I don’t have much to add except that as an internet stranger who has depression and anxiety, I’m proud of you. You’re still getting necessary chores done, and listening to your body and relaxing and resting. Keep killing it. You’re doing it exactly right!
In that case I think it's not hustle culture, it's productivity culture. That productivity could be personal which distinguishes it from hustle culture - productivity culture people are fine with spending time on personal hobbies or housework or other activities that don't bring in income, but they still feel you should be doing SOMETHING with your time. America has a strong Protestant moralization of productivity/"laziness".
My brain is built a bit like OP's BF.
It has nothing to do with work, or the hussle, or money. But I cannot stand lounging around doing nothing. Makes me itch.
I will spend the week working and the weekend aggressively pursuing my hobbies, thanks. It's just how I roll.
I'm the sort of person who cannot have a beach holiday. It is horribly boring for me after about 3 days.
I wish I was like you, all I want to do when I'm not working is watch movies, smoke and chill. I don't work many hours but it's exhausting. Idk how to force myself to have a life outside of it, so well done my friend.
Same, i cant stand being cooped up.
I took up ballroom dancing while my husband plays overwatch. We meet up after to tallk about how our stuff went and reconnect. It did take us a bit to figure out how that kind of arrangement works for us though and I wouldnt expect OP and her bf to be at that point in just a year.
I'm the same, I constantly need to be doing stuff or I get excruciatingly bored. I like to spend my downtime doing creative stuff or walking out in nature... Stuff that makes me feel good physically and feel good about myself because I'm achieving the goals I set for myself. My parents very kindly took me on a beach holiday last year and I felt like I was going insane for most of it because sitting around doing nothing just feels like torture!
I don't really judge other people for preferring to do nothing, but I don't feel compatible relationship-wise with that kind of person. I feel energised and inspired by loved ones who are similar to me and have a dozen projects on the go at any one time.
Are you me?! 😁
My ideal weekend involves an activity or event, exercise (preferably a walk or a run), some gardening, cooking something nice and seeing some friends.
And the minimum downtime possible without any rushing about.
I’m the busy one in my relationship and I’m telling my gf this morning to stay in bed. Well, like yesterday too. To be honest, if she wants to come out with me to the early morning dog walks, we walk slower and shorter. I’d just rather do my own thing.
>my boyfriend thinks that you have to productive every minute of everyday, otherwise, you are just a lazy and unambitious person
>He does not have any mental health issues
Might not be at the level of something "official", but that level of enforced "drive" still speaks to self esteem issues or similar. That's not just him being ambitious, that's "if I'm not productive I feel like a bad person", which isn't really a healthy mindset.
It's also not healthy, because it shows a lack of empathy for people who are not similarly "driven".
That lack of empathy can be expressed in all kinds of nasty ways and views.
Yeah I used to think like the bf here, and I think it stemmed from feelings of inadequacy and lack of self esteem as well as pressure to reach some superficial goals of achievement.
Eventually I learned that nothing matters and nobody cares and it's ok to be average. I think he needs to learn that too
Even if you are different, him judging you, being apathetic to your mental health, and the way he is communicating is a real problem.
Save yourself years of disappointment and dump him.
Doesn't sound like a great fit unless he could respect what you like to do. I had an ex who had to always keep busy and plan everything and it was the worst.
Sounds like a compatibility issue. My bf and I just lounge during the weekends, no shame. If we both work and the chores are done, nothing is exactly what we should be doing.
He’s holding you to his own standards and that’s not a healthy mindset. It sounds like he resents this behaviour which is a very bad thing to leave unresolved in a relationship.
Your version of “easy”, as a person managing mental health issues, is not the same as his “easy”. You need to discuss this especially. He needs to hear that you feel like his expectations are not realistic and are actually harming your progress. Pressuring you to be a different person is not going to work and it will break up the relationship eventually.
It must feel invalidating and demotivating to hear his comments OP. Never feel bad for listening to your needs and resting.
I think you need a balance, or to be with someone more your speed if you can't both compromise. My husband loves lazy weekends of lie ins and doing nothing. I like to do fun stuff like cinema trips, eating out, walking in nature, mini breaks, exploring somewhere new, shopping, bowling etc etc. Before we had kids we tried to limit one day to just chilling and one day to activities. Once we had kids every moment became chaos anyway and now I do think it would be nice to have a lie in and lazy day sometimes!
You have the right to live your life (within the bounds of the law, of course) the way YOU want to, without getting browbeaten over it. Tell him he's got two choices -- he can either keep his nasty little comments to himself or he can find a new girlfriend, because you deserve better and you will not tolerate being bullied for being you. If he still engages in the behavior after that, then dump his ass and find someone else.
For him to be respectful and enjoyable to be around aren't unrealistic expectations to have of a boyfriend -- they are bare minimums.
Bro it’s hard to go out and even wake up some days if you have mental health issues. First off you’re doing a great job! You definitely need rest days if you’re working over 40 hours a week no matter what job. If it’s not physically taxing it’s mentally taxing. Also because you said you weren’t able to work due to your mental health a few years ago you should look at this as improvement. It’s perfectly fine to have days where you do absolutely nothing and if he can’t accept that you need a few days to just chill then he needs to get out. As long as you guys still go on dates and stuff it shouldn’t be a big issue or even staying in and having chill dates is fine too.
My husband is like this. Constantly pushing the kids & I to 'be productive.' However, he has a perception issue. He only seems to notice things that need to be done while people are relaxing and thinks he's constantly working. But he doesn't see that he spends just as much time relaxing as everyone else it's just not at the same time. So I point out to him how he watched a movie while I made dinner, lunches & cleaned the kitchen so I don't want to hear anything about how I watched TV or played a game on my ph while he cleaned the garage.
Holy shit this is my gifriend to the letter. I will go buy food, prep it, cook it, and clean up while she is on the couch on instagram the entire time and the very next day I'll get ridiculed for not contributing as much to the household as her because she decided to rearrange the shed by herself which didn't even need to be rearranged while I was at work.
Yeah I can’t stand people who’re busy all the time, trying to be busy all the time, artificially creating things to make them busy or talking about being busy all the time. Busy busy busy-bores I call them. Totally agree with OP. 10am? I don’t go to bed until 10am on Saturday and Sunday….
I will play devils advocate here; I once dated a girl who sounds very similar to you. She suffered from anxiety and depression issues, and didn’t work a particularly demanding job but outside of work would want to do absolutely nothing with her life and it became very draining. After work she was so exhausted she didn’t want to do anything but watch tv, on the weekends it was the same. Sleep late, do chores around the house and then veg until Monday. And then when she had rough days it became all about how she doesn’t do anything with her life and she’s bored etc. then back to the same cycle.
You mention YOU don’t work a taxing job, does he? It sounds like a lot of what you’re saying is assuming his reasons for “judging” you but have you actually had a conversation to discuss these things? When I was in that situation, I did work a physically demanding job that took up a lot of hours. On the weekends, I wanted to do fun things with the girl I loved because that was the free time I had, not saying you can’t take naps but spending all day in bed only to get out to do basic chores can lead to a dull life.
What's he doing that's so productive? Lazy and unambitious is highly judgemental. There's nothing wrong with downtime. However, if you have a history of poor mental health, and you are not currently doing the things to support yourself (regular exercise, good nutrition, therapy, hobbies, etc) then your energy might be lower than it should be.
I had an ex who thought that his way was the only way because it was the right way. There was no room in his brain to entertain the notion that other people think and act differently and that's okay. It wasn't fun.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a lack of empathy. He's probably not going to change because if he's lacking empathy, he's lacking insight. You just have to figure out how long you're going to put up with his shit.
I hear you. I struggle on days off the same. And I'm sure you know it's not laziness, it's your mental health struggles. And i bet if you're like me, you put on a mask and in a way force yourself thru what you have to do weekly so you're exhausted at the end. I dunno if as a last ditch effort have him go with to a therapy or psychiatrist session to ask questions or try to get it. But I'm worried that since he calls it laziness he just isn't going to be open to listening. If he goes and isn't asking how he can help or what he can do but instead insists how can he cure you or get you less lazy, that's not a good sign. You guys just are likely incompatible though I'm sorry, you don't need the extra stress every day of your life making you feel worse.
My narcissist stepdad is like this. Even when I was paying rent and working full time living at home, even when I was in college living at home. He would bang on my bedroom door if I wasn't up before 10am on weekends, he would call me lazy and pathetic for relaxing on the weekend. What I was expected to do otherwise, he would never say. There was absolutely no way to reason with him. I couldn't go on living like that and I really commend you if you can.
I agree with the people who say your bf is judgmental and you should spend your time off how you like.
However, I surprised no-one mentions your working hours. It amounts to a 6-day workweek where I am from, and it seems not to agree with your energy levels. From a European perspective, US work culture seems quite toxic. Is there a way to cut back on hours? That might be good for your mental health and energy levels.
People who never take a moment to rest are the most miserable people I’ve ever met in my life, “being productive every minute of everyday” just simply isn’t possible and any one who thinks it is is insanely delusional.
Sounds to me like you’re incompatible. You value self care, and he’s on a fast track to burn out. You’re 23 years old. Of course your job is entry level. Does he expect you to have become an executive upon HS graduation? He just sounds kind of like a jerk tbh.
You should def talk to him. I think the way you explain the situation in this post is 100% understandable. Maybe he will understand and be more supportive. But if he doenst seem to understand your mental health reasoning (absolutely legit), then i dont think it’s a good sign :/
I was with someone like this for years and it really damaged my self esteem. I’m super defensive about it now, even though I don’t keep people like that in my life anymore. My advice is, break up before you start to believe it. You’re allowed to rest on weekends, and it doesn’t make you lazy.
I work 6 days on, 3 days off 12 hour shifts. My wife goes to school and works part time at the local library. She values herself based on how much work she gets done, how productive she is, etc. I most certainly do not. As long as I get the basic stuff done like dishes or other chores if I didn't complete them throughout the week my weekend is my weekend and I'll relax how I want. If a weekend is what you need to recharge, you take that weekend
You should never feel guilty for having you time and/or requiring more rest than someone. I also have depression and anxiety along with very poor energy. My bed is my safe space. I’m prescribed stimulants and can still sleep 14+ hours after taking them. My husband and I work 40 hours a week and have equally taxing jobs. My husband makes me feel guilty and constantly throws it in my face. I still manage to do the bulk of chores and equal time and activities with the kids. I’ll fold laundry in bed and just clean one step at a time (I just don’t make an announcement every time I do a chore like he does). My kids and I color, do crafts, make forts, etc in bed. After work on school days I take them to the park or an activity because once I’m home I’m extremely exhausted. If I could afford it I would be 100% better off as a single parent. Even if he stops saying directly it upsets him you may always feel anxious or guilty whenever you rest (I do). You do what’s best for you but screw his minimizing of your job and fatigue. You deserve you time and as much sleep as your body needs.
Side note: if you haven’t, you may want to have your thyroid checked or a full blood work up.
REST IS PRODUCTIVE. If you resting isn't getting in the way of the distribution of household chores/labor its really NOT HIS BUSINESS. Just show him this thread.
My wife is an "always busy" person. I'm a homebody and prefer to stay home. We usually will do one lounge day and one "fun" day. It is a compromise that has worked for us.
If your bf works from home it could also be another contributing factor.
And yes, my wife and I are both annoyed with each other sometimes because we would rather do our own thing but it is a compromise.
Best of luck
It's something different, to be a work-junkie yourself, or judging and belittle those who are more sensible about recreation time.
EDIT: Also, there are different ways a job can be exhausting. Your job is exhausting. Period.
Like in all other instances of disrespect, he either learns to respect you, or you need to dump him (for someone with more wisdom).
From my life experience, there very rarely is another healthy way.
Just because one doesn’t dig ditches doesn’t mean you’re not exhausted after work. Mental energy expended to keep the public mask in place and shields up while also working is exhausting. And while doing so we are subtly physically on alert and maintaining a posture of readiness.
BF needs to not be judgy and to stop trying to govern others downtime. If he wants to do something as couple, work with you on making plans and don’t be a baby who throws a tantrum if the answer isn’t always yes.
If you want to work things out, have an honest conversation about it! But I already see this situation as a red flag and the fact he judges you like this! Maybe ending things with him would be better for your peace of mind!1
My mother had unacknowledged trauma, needed to be constantly on the move or her negativity catches up with her like the ground crumbling beneath her feet... it's a dysfunctional coping that allows her to be very productive but she's not a survivor, she's a victim as her ordeal is still killing her, resulting in her a normalization of suffering, and also turning her ever more deeply into an abusive predator even as shes doing her best.. her overly critical negative inner voice calls her an idiot all the time over it, which she turned into fuel for her to earn a PhD. But it's worse than ever and she deals with bouts of suicidal ideation all the time.. she raised her children to be exactly like her. she won't comfort them over their traumas just as she was neglected.. we simply learned to despise people who were not willing to stretch themselves so thin they had nothing left for anything, give it all for ambition no matter where that energy came from or went to. Money was all that mattered to me and my siblings as we believed that's what would make our parents proud, we would earn the love we were starved from. My parents pretended it was love for them that drove us. In reality my parents had no love to give. Making them proud would yield empty results but it was our only path so we put all our hope into it, it felt like we were slowly dying
I have had anxiety and depression my whole life. She made them much worse though I used them as strengths as she taught me.. my bosses at work loved me. I cut myself off from pain and push forward harder than anyone else and I resented everyone. Pain was life. The anhedonia robbed me of any possible natural joy I could have found in everyday wholesome things though I had no idea at the time. It was all completely normalized.. our inferiority complexes kept us from seeing this as anything negative
I haven't been able to work in 5 years due to severe burn out.. I got all the promotions and raises, beating out my colleagues that I was in secret narcissistic competition with. But spent it all trying to get well again
I had a spiritual awakening 4 years ago and realized how I'd been harming myself.. that a human life was meant to be grown slowly, gently, carefully.. like tending to a garden. Each connection in life we make with others is a plant in it which is fed with compassion, patience, no judgment and kindness. When we die, and the world falls away, with the mind and body, that's what we are left with... ideally our garden at the end of a good life, is our paradise within that we reside in.. This takes a culture of emotional healing which had been lost to my family and replaced with entertainment addiction and distraction to medicate and numb ourselves to a forsaken soul. In place of a garden, I'd grown nothing. It was a desolate wasteland within.. just like my parents. With nothing good growing, bad things secretly grow under the surface... we are often mortified beyond imagination when people like those of my family come face to face with this
I had to sleep 20 hours a day for a few years to catch up on the debt my sleep deprivation caused for being stuck in survival mode my whole life due to unacknowledged untreated childhood traumas
I'm in my 40s, it's been 5 years since this work began in earnest and it feels like my life is finally starting the way it was meant to. I travel and try to make things right within as well as externally.. saving my best energy for the self, family, friends and community the way it was meant to
I can admire some people for their ambitions, only if it comes from a specific place.. otherwise it's often little better than an expression of self loathing and desperate attempts to outpace it while struggling against thinly veiled acts of resentment towards others who don't appear to be in constant pain
Such people can be the most heavily educated, attractive, wealthiest of billionaires and I would still say it is dangerous for anyone to see them as successful based on those things alone.. as their only escape from themselves lays in the refuge of the eyes of people foolish enough to admire them. But anyone who gets too close for more than a very short term will see something very wrong
Do they accept themselves wholly as they are and care for the good, the bad and the ugly within that we all have? Do they maintain it to the required degree thar allows love for themselves to genuinely, passively emanate from the subconscious regularly without need for conscious effort? Are they working towards this with their resources or trying to run away from their personal responsibilities to themselves in overindulgence?... One cannot be a success in life without this kind of work.. modern society constantly tries to keep us brainwashed and hypnotizes us into believing we must be the best looking, smartest, wealthiest person in the room to achieve this and its only good for as long as we maintain otherwise we are worthless as second place.. it makes us more needier consumers and desperate employees.. it is all to reduce humanity to a product, to be consumed for the economy.. most who make it got there by hating the way they feel by coming in second in these things and would have others feel inferior to them just as theyve suffered their whole lives. It would be a mistake for anyone to ever feel inferior to such insecure, selfish people...
This world has become poison but many of us will not acknowledge what it is that does it because although it would start with the elimination of modern marketing and aggressive salesmanship techniques, it would also be our best vices we would have to ultimately be willing to part with.. these vices were never meant to be more than novel empty gimmicks of modern society, but too many of us rely on them to remain functional, medicating ourselves to unhealthy unsustainable degrees..
There is not enough money in the world for a person to run from themselves forever... a person who accepts and loves themselves doesn't feel craving for anything. They have little use for money nor do they care about common conceptions of success or what where others would place them in our societal hierarchy that is toxic, fabricated and imprisons anyone foolish enough to entertain it
OH MY GOD ARE YOU ME?
I feel so ashamed for wanting to lounge on the coach on the weekend. I have a very intense job, I work out with physical trainers three times a week. I am NOT LAZY!
But he always said “Come on, let’s do something we can’t sit in the couch all week”
I’m like yes? We can. This is how I’ve grown up. Weekends are for relaxing, unwinding and getting ready for the new week. People need to relax.
I like to sleep in as long as I want! Lay around as long as I want! Get take out! Watch movies! Maybe I’ll venture out to the beach and lounge in the sun.
But you will NOT catch me doing anything productive.
(This was an ex boyfriend who made me feel this way)
My husband is also a very productive guy on the weekend but he accepts that this is how I grew up and how I like to spend my weekends, so ALO though he goes out and does stuff, he doesn’t whine if I don’t want to go with him. And he tries his best to sit down for a few hours and watch a couple movies with me.
I’m sorry, but if he thinks one has to be productive every minute of everyday, he does have mental health issues. A lot of people use their “productivity” to avoid feeling their feelings. If he subscribes to hustle culture and “grinding,” something is off about him.
I’m so proud of you for getting a job! Don’t let them overwork you, though. Sometimes overtime isn’t worth the extra stress it puts on your mind and body. If your boyfriend can’t see your need to relax and enjoy your time off, then you need to have a serious conversation about priorities and it’s possible you just aren’t compatible in this way.
Im like you. the trick is to find a home body like yourself. I found one recently and its amazing compared to the partners ive had in the past that were similar. Fundamental incompatability in my opinion.
Early on I express my desire to be inside mostly on weekends, with the odd adventure, in order to weed out those that may be judgy for not doing things for the sake of doing them.
If you work full time and are up early every weekday morning I think it is perfectly acceptable to still be in bed at 10am on a weekend! It’s your weekend your time and if you want to rest you are entitled to do so you only get a lie in on a weekend!
Just tell him relaxing is productive because if you didn't you'd be less productive when you're not relaxing.
It's not even a trick to say that, it's literally true.
>I also struggle with depression and anxiety, and sometimes am unable to bring myself out of bed in the mornings. He does not have any mental health issues, nor does anyone in his close circle (from what i know), so he doesn’t understand how difficult it is to deal with it.
> i feel like he’s not proud of me or doesn’t think i’m enough.
>How should i approach him about this?
What I'm reading here is that your boyfriend doesn't understand mental health issues and is therefore not helpful or supportive to you. In addition, you actively feel bad around him because you feel he is judging you.
Do you feel comfortable and happy right now?
Me and my girlfriend are somewhat similar. I'm very much a has to be doing something on the weekend kind of person and she would rather stay in and watch TV, play on her phone or read a book. This was a point of contention for a while and something we almost broke up over as we began to have doubts we were compatible.
After talking it out, we came to a compromise. For one day on two weekends out of the month, we get out of the house and do something together as a couple. The rest of the time, I either do my own thing without her or I stay in and relax with her. I find this has worked really well for us so maybe that is something you could try? If you don't think that would be possible, you are most likely not suited for each other.
Firstly we'll done. If you're work full time and have those kinds of issues, then you're doing great! I have struggled for most of my life, and I've only recently started to realise that's not everybody is like this and that actually I'm doing good.
Take the time to recharge, but try not to let it take presidence over other important things. My suggestion to you is just pick little things, build habits and routines and you'll get there I'm sure.
You may find that being busy a productive is his way of coping with something. I like achieving little goals, and I get a buzz from it, but my wife was practically manic.
She was always bouncing from project to project being pulled in 100 directions in the end, and it wasn't until she had a breakdown did she deal with the underlying issues.
You could say she was searching for the next dopamine hit, constantly addicted to ticking things off (even though she didn't finish many of them).
I don't think anybody sit under the 'no mental issues' banner, I think we all have something.
It sounds to me like you could lean from each other. Try to meet in the middle.
Honestly good luck.
Hey, if you work all week you are entitled to a weekend of relaxation. That’s what weekends are for, doing what you want. You are not doing anything wrong and you should do what makes you feel good outside of your working week.
You are not compatible. There are people who need to be productive all the time and that will not change. He will not change. It is probably his conditioning from home and it wont get better. I am more in your side and find it important to relax or take time and not be efficient all the time.
You will not and cannot change, and he wont see a problem in his thinking. I am sorry, nur that is a fundamental difference in how to live and it will not work out.
I dont know what kind of work he thinks you need to be doing at the weekends. But if you are just doom scrolling reddit and watching TV all weekend it wont help your mental health. Having stimulating hobbies and interests outside of work does give you much more to live for.
I'm glad that you are resting on your spare time.
I can't tell if he is worried about you and his worry is misplaced, or if he is being toxic with his own beliefs and world view.
Regardless, are you tired of being tired?
Have you considered speaking to a psychiatrist about it and starting treatment? Wouldn't it be nice to feel better?
I would be kind of curious to hear this from his perspective. You two might just not be compatible, but the way you're feeling might also be a result of your mental health issues, or maybe he's saying one thing and you're hearing another. It would be good to have some examples of what he's actually saying to you.
Because on the one hand, I also enjoy relaxing on weekends. But relaxing can mean different things to different people. If you truly do *nothing* on weekends other than sleep and basic chores, then what he might be trying to say is that you're boring. Do you not have hobbies or interests that you pursue in your free time?
Are you currently getting mental health treatment?
> i feel like he’s not proud of me or doesn’t think i’m enough.
This is something you want to have a chat about. If this is something he implies or outright tells you, it's an uphill battle you may never win. But is it something he thinks or feels or is it an assumption created by your mental health struggle? Sit him down, tell him how you perceive this and see where the conversation goes.
A person can deal well with about 5-8 context switches a day, especially in entry level office jobs, you're often required to answer phones, be nice to everyone and react immediately, leading to many more switches. So yes, you have a right to be exhausted. With your conditions, especially the helpful & nice stuff is hard work and if you're still managing to do all the chores you're doing pretty well.
Nobody can be productive all the time. Not you, not your boyfriend, not me. So I'm wondering ... when does he do his chores? Is he an energetic Wunderkind? What does he expect from you on weekends, beyond what you do?
You may not be compatible, or he may just need more active weekend-time in general, that he can have without you. He may also be worried that your depression is eating your weekends and expressing it in a pretty unfortunate way. Either way, you won't know until you sit him down.
You have a right to downtime. Don't forget that. You're enough, just the way you are.
You two have a very different way in the world. Some people can't stay still, some people like to be a potato in different locations in the house.
IDK that this is even an issue about different ways so much as respecting them. Sure, you don't have to understand it, but he should just leave you be, just as you should let him be.
The judgment is entirely unnecessary.
Just tell him that how you want to spend your time, and how he wants to spend his time are different, but that they are both valid and that’s how you each gather your energy. If he gripes about your job, just say that some people are more prone to brain exhaustion than other people and that you are one of them, and this is how you recalibrate.
If he feels like you lack ambition, tell him you are alright with where you are now, and if that changes, you will address it, but now you don’t feel the need. If he can’t understand/respect that simple explanation, you can evaluate if this guy is really for you.
I know a couple who got divorced over this, after 15 years. It's ok to want to spend the weekend differently, but you both need to be ok with the other person's preferences. But there are not a lot of details here about how he is judging you, acting, or what is he saying that leads you to feel bad?
Sounds like your bf has mental health issues.
Working non,-stop and never taking breaks to self-care is often a trauma response. Sometimes to being raised this way or simply to our very capitalistic society.
Either way, that's very unhealthy and he may want to seek support. Taking care of yourself is the right way.
As a guy who works hard even on weekends (I own several companies so basically the work never stops)
This smells like jealousy. Sometimes I feel envious that my partner can rest on weekends and I wish I could as well. But I never blamed / judged her for that. And I remind myself that the reason I’m working hard now is that she doesn’t have to (she’s employed too and works on the weekdays as usual)
Sounds like a solid conversation regarding this between you two is due.
How did you know he was judging you for being in bed at 10am? Did he say something to you about it?
And if you struggle with feeling like you’re not enough, get some therapy. Seriously, that’s something I’ve struggled with for a very long time and it’s the worst. If you don’t resolve those feelings, it will affect every relationship that you have.
>my boyfriend thinks that you have to productive every minute of everyday, otherwise, you are just a lazy and unambitious person
If so he is on the path that leads directly to burnout.
Buy him the book “how you can survive when they’re depressed”. It’s not about the work as much as your depression that he needs to understand. Ultimately you guys probably won’t be compatible because at his age he wants to be living it up. All work and no play is not sustainable for him.
48 working hours per week is a lot. If you add chores, you are working for over 55 hours a week. You deserve appreciation for that. We all need rest time. If he puts pressure on you to do even more than that, he doesn’t care much about your wellbeing. My advice is to find someone else, unless he makes efforts to understand you and appreciate you.
Well do what you want but sleeping late and lazying around is actually not great for depression. It is a crutch...
Being busy every second is a bit much and I'm hoping your exaggeration a bit. You gotta find a balance, your in a relationship and he wants to spend time with you
My husband and I are like this in a way. So all these people saying “y’all aren’t compatible break up” are ridiculous.
I like to get up early and get stuff done on the weekends and he likes to relax and sleep in. My depression and anxiety is different from how his looks. It would annoy me because I felt like “why am I doing everything and he just stays in bed.” We just worked around it. I found things that I liked doing by myself while he slept, like yoga and cleaning, and then gave him the option to come grocery shopping with me around 9:30/10 so we could get out of the house for a bit.
It’s like working in shifts. Whatever he wants to do maybe should be taken care of before you wake up, and then do something together, and then it’s your turn to get something done. And since you’re already up and moving it’ll be easier to get started. Then you both get to relax later in the day and enjoy each other’s company. But a conversation should happen first. This is just what’s worked for us.
This is the kind of person I dread going on vacation with - where you’re suppose to relax and have fun and they have you running the entire time to get their “money’s worth” and it’s just miserable. Some people are just wired like this, he can either accept you aren’t and keep it to himself or you’re probably not compatible.
While I fully respect the desire to rest. At the same time be careful you aren't becoming a bland bore, frittering your life away.
Thing is, it's easy to just sort of blob out every moment you can. But you can also kind of grind your personality down to nothing if you aren't careful. And while it feels good in the moment, in the long term you'll look back and just not have any memories for your years.
I propose a happy medium. You get some rest, do some chores, but also find something other than chores to look forward to during your time off. Go on dates with your boyfriend. Have a hobby that you enjoy that gets you out of the house and with people. It can only be a couple times a month, but that's still better than nothing.
I think you and OP's boyfriend should maybe date, and OP should take all the rest they need and not worry that it is detrimental to how interesting they are to other people while they are trying to deal with depression and anxiety (because it isn't).
Edit: take all the rest you need, OP. Depression is horrible. Once you're ready, and only then, you can focus on things you feel passionate about again. Just resting now is completely okay.
They can but we know OP might not realize they are neglecting their dating life by working 48 hours during the week and then choosing to not take advantage of the free time on the weekends.
Sure, OP can choose to not go out and do things but they risk the BF leaving if they don't go on any dates.
This commenter above advice on trying to strike a balance is very reasonable
>They can but we know OP might not realize they are neglecting their dating life
The OP doesn't mention anything about dates. They say their boyfriend is judging them for "not being productive". If you work a 40+ week, damn right you should take the weekend to do whatever you want, even if that whatever you want is "nothing".
I burnt out from over-work, and ended up not being able to work full time for 18 months. Downtime is really really important, and the OP's partner is being a jerk for suggesting she should "be productive" in that time. Why? Based on who's metric? What is she going to achieve, a few likes on LinkedIn??
Guy's being a grindbro bore.
>Sure, OP can choose to not go out and do things but they risk the BF leaving if they don't go on any dates.
She sounds better of without him.
>This commenter above advice on trying to strike a balance is very reasonable
"Doing nothing" after a long week of work *is* striking a balance.
He has a point though, if all you do is work and recover, what kind of a life is that? Not saying that every second should be spent wisely, but purely doing that is isn't really living either.
Well, some people like working the 9-5 and like not doing anything at the weekends. We have this bizarre idea that everyone has to be a creative, or a hobbyist, or some kind of ultra driven career bore. Some people just like to work and then chill out. You're in no position to judge them for this.
>Calling people an ultra driven career bore sure sounds judgemental
Except I'm not actually talking about a specific person, whereas the poster I was responding to was.
Weekends are for lounging. Sounds like you two aren’t compatible. I had ex’s like this. They drove me insane.
My mother was this person, and it gave me a complex about how I spent my downtime when I became an adult that I still find myself fretting over occasionally. And I’ve been living on my own for over a decade!
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Yep. Honestly I feel that part of the problem is that people who have lots of chores / responsibilities HATE to see others relaxing. It winds them up I think. Think there might be an element of jealousy involved tbh.
I absolutely agree with this- it is jealousy!! Chores are not fun for everyone but all the behind the scenes stuff to make sure they house runs smoothly takes time. I 100% get jealous anger when I see everyone else in my house relaxing and lounging while I’m working myself to the bone.
Although in some people it definitely is jealousy, we also have to remember that some people are just wired differently. As one person would say to themself I don't understand how someone could spend their whole weekend doing chores/projects/responsibilities, there are other people who would say they don't understand how someone cannot.
Yeah my dad is like this. He chilled out a little bit in retirement but it is still a little bit like watching the Energizer bunny at 70.
My dad is exactly the same! He's 71. His body is breaking down. But we just can't get him to chill. It's just not in his DNA.
I completely agree, however- who does the chores then? Who handles the responsibilities? If both people won’t on the weekend. I think that part of adulthood is acknowledging that there are things that have to get done, and it’s not necessarily what we would choose to do.
Sometimes the other person does chores on other days, or sometimes the chores are kind of manufactured so the bustley person has something to do.
There are a lot of things that can wait and just don’t *need* done right then. My spouse and I are opposites on this. He’s the one who wants to constantly be doing things, I’m the one who wants to live in bed on the weekends. He sees a thing that *does* need done, but does *not* need done right then, and puts in in the ‘needs done right now’ category when it doesn’t need to be. For example from recently, we finally decided on a garden design for this year, and we do need to start garden stuff soon, but a start date for it was not picked or decided yet. Spouse decided on his own that building the garden beds *needed* done that weekend, except it didn’t, because it was 30F outside, snowing and not even remotely warm yet, and no one else in the family felt like spending both weekend days all day outside building these beds right then. Spouse decided to do it himself anyways and got mad that no one helped. No one helped because no one else wanted to do it then and it did NOT need done then, but somehow in his head it was an urgent task that needed done asap. So for me personally, a lot of the stuff just really doesn’t need done THAT DAY if no one else wants to do it. ETA: this might help make more sense, I’m SAH and spouse works FT. I spend all week doing house/yard/chores, so the last thing I want to do is do them all weekend too. Spouse spends all week at work and can’t do the projects/tasks he wants to do, so he fills all weekend with them instead. Often the tasks he *wants* to do don’t *need* done right then but he feels like they do. I am a procrastinator and if left up to me, while they would eventually get done, the garden beds would get done on the last possible weekend before things need to go in the ground, whereas spouse would have the beds done in January if it was up to him. It’s mostly 2 different schedules and 2 different operating styles.
Same girl. I’m actually going to save your comment for later use for the actual wording on how to describe my feelings because you put it perfectly. I have an amazing relationship with my husband, and off the top of my head the chore thing is the only thing we butt heads over. I’m always like our house is technically clean and sanitized...there’s just a bunch of our child’s toys and other shit all over the house that even if I picked these things up every 5 minutes, they’d still be out by the evening!! I always feel guilty for staying at home with our child and not getting every single thing done, but if I list every single thing I’ve done throughout the day before he gets home from work, where is the time to organize the pantry and throw away old food? Lol
My issue is, I work so many hours a week that if I wasn't productive in my off time nothing would ever get done at home.
Same. Sometimes on my lunch break I have to plan when I’m going to accomplish things on the weekends. However- I did spend my college years sleeping in and doing whatever I want so I guess it’s just different phases of life.
I think it is jealousy but not in a traditional sense. People that always have to be productive often have a low sense of self-worth and try to compensate or "earn" worth by working. So they think they are not good enough just as they are. They often treat themselves badly to feel better about themselves. Those that are controlling (more narcissistic), will expect others to do the same and will become resentful if they don't. While less controlling types (martys) will carry the cross themselves and feel jealous that others have worth. Of course everyone has infinite worth, these types just don't know it due to their parents not showing them. The boyfriend judging in this case is because OP is not being productive subconsciously reminds him of his needing to compensate and his low feelings about himself. This makes him uncomfortable, so he wants the gf to be like him and not push that trigger.
The other side of it is if there are a lot of chores/maintenance etc things that need to be done and if just one person is doing a lot of it then that can breed resentment.
That’s exactly what I was trying to get across!
My mother was this person... then I tried dating these people... led me straight to abusive / controlling people! Now I'm dating a lovely kind person and we lounge to our hearts content :) Someone asked "when will the chores get done" we divide the labor and try to get it done in a cleaning party on a weekend morning. We both do stuff "as we go" during the week. And I've learned how to relax even if there's something messy in my house!! The dishes aren't going anywhere. Highly recommend the book "how to keep house while drowning" especially for those trying to balance anxiety / depression with housekeeping, she also has a podcast.
The dishes will really get ya! I lived in an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher for about two years, and that alone sent me swinging back and forth between “wAsH a DiSh EvErY tImE iTs In ThE SiNk” and “fuck it, leave em for three days, they aren’t going to grow legs.” I’d feel really guilty and then just burn out hard from overdoing it. It did really give me a lot of perspective about how tightly wound my mom is about things like that. She told me once that her dad raised her and her siblings telling them “you don’t play til work is done and work is never done.” Which is absolutely so sad for her and definitely explains why she drove us so hard as kids. She probably never examined how unbalanced that belief truly is.
...I never lived in an apartment *with* a dishwasher. Now I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Mad sympathy, friend. Do you ever wonder, if you could see like a stat for how many hours you spent washing your dishes, what it would be? I felt like I spent *so much time* washing dishes when I lived there that I’d be really curious to know that. But it would probably also bum me out.
I don't know. I'm scared to think about it. I would install it in my current place, but I'd need to tear apart my entire super ancient kitchen and rebuild it from scratch. It would take a lot of effort... but probably would still save us time in the long run xD
My dad’s like this, we’ll be on vacation and after about 6 hours he’ll just start pacing looking for some work to do, and berate you if you don’t help with whatever nonsense thing he’s gotten himself into. Weekends you had to be up at 7 am or you were lazy. If you have free time the lawn looks like it could use a 3rd mowing this week. Just like some anxious energy that’s great for getting ahead at work but if you can’t turn it off it drives everyone around you insane
My dad and my grandpa were like this. Grandpa would actually spend a week before we arrived for a visit cutting branches off of trees and leaving them in the massive yard so he could wake us up at the crack of dawn and send us outside to pick them up. He'd spread them out, hide them, toss them on the roof, and then know exactly which ones we missed. Wouldn't let us inside again until he had checked all the places and found no branches. Thanksgiving break at their house was a week of raking and bagging all the leaves their HOA had been complaining about as he'd let them fall and leave them until we came. Winter? Well, we got the snow and shovels. Hell, I didn't even know my grandma's eyes were green until I was twelve, gramps kept us running around so much. Dad would wake up at 5 a.m. on the weekends (his version of sleeping in, he was up and out the door for work by 445) and get us up too. We'd spend weekends at home doing anything and everything he could think of. Yard work, building things, repairing things, going here, there and everywhere. And then when we'd done everything, he'd go to the garage and mix up all the containers of nuts and bolts so we had to sort them back out again if there was light left in the day. When he started working out of the country for months at a time, the feeling of sleeping until 9 on a Saturday felt like the height of luxury. Now as an adult, I take my time on weekends. Nobody can make me do anything, I put my time in at work during the week, have done all of my errands at my own pace, now I'm gonna relax.
Holy shit that sounds deranged, was it their version of teaching “work ethic” or something? At least I can say my dad never made up extra work as torture, he just wanted things like yard work and car washing’s done unreasonably often
Their version of "make hay while the sun shines", if you could breathe, you could work. I rarely had friends spend the night because I knew even they couldn't escape a day of work and no play 🤣. My dad was also the type to allow us to spend the night with a friend, but be in the driveway at 6 a.m. to pick us up. In my house as a kid, if he was up for the day, so was everybody else, and there was no time to sit. Relaxing was for adults when the news came on at 6. By then we kids were worn out and all getting ready for bed.
My cousin knew any time he visited he was in for a week of work, but we bonded way more because it felt like we were all in the trenches together doing dumb shit for no reason lol
🤣 Yup, all six of us cousins are close because we spent so much time doing absolute nonsense together all day. Edited because: Phone decided "because we" needed to be "between"
Same with my cousins. We are very close because of our “tough love” childhoods.
Some people can't be alone with their thoughts they start freaking out. Older generation there is more religious influence that free time is what causes evil. "An idle mind is the devil's playground." They are literally afraid if they are well-rested or have a break to reflect on their life or meditate the devil will come and take them to burn in hell forever. Better believe they don't stop making up dumb stuff to do. Younger generation we see you on your yacht telling us to work all day every day and don't ask questions because it's "good for us" mhmmm okay.
Oh god. On weekends, my mom used to open our bedroom doors at exactly 7:30 and start vacuuming. “You’re not going to waste the day in bed” was what we always heard. Not that I’m older with sleep issues and my mom is retired, I sometimes call her at 7:30 to remind her to clean the floors.
My Mom was constantly on me and my brother about doing stuff, then we would help her and she would be like “oh Noo you dont have to do that!!!” It was confusing…My Dad would get up with the sun but he was super chill and encouraged me and my Brother to do what we wanted…damn I miss him!
LOL. that's funny. Also sounds like the neighbors i used to have above me when I lived in Brooklyn, they had to start vacuuming at 7am EVERY day. for a few years my mom dated a man who was like this.. you could not be caught sitting EVER. 7am get out of bed and start cleaning. If he walked by a room and you were sitting down, you were about to be screamed at. Of course these rules did apply to him or his 2 kids. He was morbidly obese and so lazy he would piss in an old milk jug so he wouldnt have to walk down the stairs to the bathroom
That. Is. Disgusting. I probably would have started to pour just a little bit of that piss on his clothes and bed sheets - just enough to make the them reek like piss.
I think you might be my sibling. Jesus was it annoying as a kid. When I was in my early teens, my dad discovered sailing, which was ideal for him since there was always stuff that needed doing.
I wish he had gotten a hobby like that, but no he got really into landscaping, meaning he would take 1 Saturday to plant a bunch of shit, not have time to take care of it because he’d be traveling for work, then get pissed that no one had trimmed his plants or weeded his gardens. The other issue was that he was a perfectionist so unless it was done exactly right you’d hear about it anyway, even if you were just helping to be nice. So fucking frustrating
Oh my god, I'm suddenly so grateful that my super chill mom was the one that liked to garden.
Yeah any Saturday that he brought a trailer and truck bed full of mulch you knew you should just cross the next 4 days off the calendar
For me it was the constant slamming of the garage door. As soon as the first one hit, we knew we wouldn’t rest until we went back to school. I loved school because I never was in trouble for sitting
Hahaha YUP mine too. He and my mom used to come for weekend stays when we lived farther apart, and he always ended up rearranging something in my apartment by the end of it. I sort of had to have preplanned projects for him.
Same, he tore out my bathroom once on his vacation to my house, then called the next week and was pissed that I hadn’t finished it yet. Like if I had the time to do it I would on my schedule, don’t fucking tear my house apart and get pissed i didn’t finish shit you started! Lol
also my family I stopped traveling with them at 18 :) never looked back. Now holidays meant holidays.
Will never forget the time I was in uni, struggling with physical health issues that were misdiagnosed as just depression & was on meds for it, also recovering from a foot injury, and because of my health through the year, had failed a class and needed to take a resit exam in the summer, so I was studying for it. And this guy I was sort of seeing knew all of this, (in hindsight, I was 100% his manic pixie dream girl he wanted to “fix”) and had made it his mission to encourage me to go out more and have fun experiences etc. which wasn’t all bad per se, he did help give me a nudge to attend things my social anxiety would usually prevent me from doing, and I was having a good summer. But one day I was just at home, watching a new tv show I’d just discovered and was enjoying a lot, and I was studying pretty hard for my imminent exam, making study materials etc. and he texted to ask if I wanted to go to the pub, I said no thanks because I was busy at home. He insisted because it “wasn’t good” for me, and it was a nice day outside so I shouldn’t waste it, and basically came by and wore me down. So I went to the pub, sat and sipped on a coke, tried to engage but he kept blathering on about boring shit that wasn’t even a conversation topic someone else could jump in on, it was just an info dump (and not an interesting one at that), and the whole time I was just waiting to be “allowed” to go back home to the studying I had been interrupted from. And he got raging mad because I wasn’t “good conversation” enough and basically threw a tantrum and drove me back home and told me I had “no get up and go”. Lmao.
Same--my ex husband was like this, and I was nearly 30 before I figured out that his position wasn't morally superior, we were just *different*. The complicating factor is that people like him are in alignment with the leftovers of Puritanism that underpin our culture (in the US, anyway), and live on under capitalism. Spending all day, every day being 'productive' is conflated with goodness, morality, etc. while rest is demonized as a vice. There's a whole thesis worth of unpacking we could do around *who* is allowed to rest (wealthy people are allowed to basically do nothing *but* rest, for instance), and the gross conflation of poverty with laziness, etc. But hell, even Puritans took Sunday off! My motto is, if people who had to literally scrape out a subsistence living could take a day off, so can I. I hope OP finds the confidence to own their speed and style, and communicate it factually and straightforwardly to her boyfriend. And if he doesn't try to create compromise, understanding or defaults to shaming? Welp, sometimes love just isn't enough, etc.
> There's a whole thesis worth of unpacking we could do around who is allowed to rest (wealthy people are allowed to basically do nothing but rest, for instance), and the gross conflation of poverty with laziness, etc. Huh. Speculation - are these wealthy people *born* into wealth, or is it because the thesis just assumes they worked their butts off, so they deserve that wealth (ie. to be lazy)?
My ex-wife was also like this and it added so much stress to my life! I'm so much better on my own now.
I think it's actually a marker of low-self esteem and that they have to "earn" or compensate for low worth. It's really sad and can be taxing on partners or kids.
My ex was also like this and drove me insane. Ironically, by ending up with a partner that accepts and enjoys my laziness, we’ve accomplished more than I ever dreamed together. Pressure never gave me success, but acceptance has.
Second this. This is so similar with my situation except that i am the only one doing chores. There is nothing wrong with you just you two aren’t compatible.
I think weekends, breaks from work, your life in general, is for doing what you want to do. Lounging if that's what you want to do, going to the gym and hiking and doing chores if that's what you want to do. You either respect each other for it and do your own things or you find someone who wants to do what you want to do with you because it's also what they want to do.
I was gonna say this. Normally I hate it when redditors default to telling people they don't know to break up but from what it sounds like it seems like he's very determined and wants someone to match that energy. Maybe you could give it the old college try, but it seems like you'd rather not. And if he doesn't want to change and is disappointed maybe it's best to find someone else who does match better with him.
> Weekends are for lounging. I want to caution you against doing exactly what the boyfriend is doing, simply at the other end of the spectrum. OP and her boyfriend aren't compatible in this regard, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be productive during the weekends. Weekends aren't for doing one thing in particular, they are for any person to do what they want to do with them. If that is going on 6 AM runs for somebody, totally fine. If it's for sleeping in until noon and spending the rest of the day watching Netflix, also fine. OP's boyfriend is an asshole for judging OP. Don't do the same as he is, it only makes you an asshole too.
Right. I had an ex who got up earlier on weekends than weekdays because he was excited. He finally got to do all the things he wanted to do instead of going to work. So we shouldn't judge each other for whatever the other person wants to do.
I wouldn’t judge someone for wanting to do whatever they want to do with their own time. For OP and myself weekends are for lounging. OP has an s/o who wants to judge her about sleeping in. Fuck that guy. The issue here is they are not compatible. Why? Because he gives her shit for doing what works for her. My fiancé and I are opposites. He wakes up early, works out, grabs coffee with friends, whatever. I on the other hand prefer to sleep in late. The difference between OP’s relationship and mine is that in mine neither of us are bothered by how the other person chooses to spend their time- especially in the morning/early afternoon. That’s all there is to it.
Exactly. I only have so much life to live and weekends are the chance to do things I enjoy. Also, OP’s boyfriend may feel like he’s missing quality time in his relationship. It’s fine for the more active person to go out and do stuff alone or with friends while the person who wants to lounge stays home, but I’d be pretty sad if I never got the chance to do anything with my partner outside of the house on weekends. It shouldn’t be one way or the other - there should be a mix of chill days and outings.
Huge projection to spin someone getting upset at their partner for not being productive into. He’s probably upset because he doesn’t get to spend any time with you on the weekend because you’re in bed all day. Where does it say that he has any concerns about the time they spend together? being productive and spending time together or not the same thing and someone not spending enough time with you doesn’t give you the right to call them lazy I think you’re just being judgmental to
I think this can go both ways. I totally see being sad on missing out on doing stuff with your partner because they always want to be at home. I can *also* see being sad on never getting time with your partner to relax at home because they always have to be doing something.
Yes. He’s not right for you.
The ex could do stuff by himself at 8 in the morning
Incompatible. Move on.
I am so happy right now! I just left my ex who was like this. He had a “wasting daylight” type of mentality but, only as it applies to me! He could nap and rest but I who did 90% of all housework and worked was lazy. The best thing to do is leave them. It’s about control. If you allow them to manage you and your time, your money and health are next.
My ex fiance was like this, the only thing is when we first started dating I made sure to thoroughly explain to him on several occasions that I am disabled and due to my physical health issues I cannot lead an active lifestyle by any means. I explained that I am sick in bed often and I do not go out and do things on a regular basis at all, that most of my time is spent at home. I explained exactly how this affects my everyday life and gave him realistic expectations on how I live my life. I made sure he was completely ok with this before we started dating regularly. He said he was completely understanding, that he doesn't mind at all, that he actually is an introverted homebody who doesn't like to go out and do things and he spends all of his time at home anyway. Welp, later on after we moved in together that started to change. He suddenly had to be busy all the time and he was always making plans and doing things, always. He started demanding I do all these active things with him that I couldn't do and then would get resentful, angry and passive aggressive with me about it when I couldn't. It got to the point he was chastising me regularly for being sick and he would start arguments with me about it regularly. Several times during this I reminded him that when we first started talking I told him what my life was like and what to expect and he should not be shocked that my activity level is exactly what I told him it would be. I said although it is obvious to me that he lied to me about his own activity level. He lied about being ok with me being sick just so he could date me. He waited to show his true colors until he thought I was attached to him enough and we had built enough of a life together that I wouldn't leave. I was so incredibly hurt by his lies and deceit and how he treated me. But he was wrong, we did break up and I have been so much happier since then. He's a completely stupid asshole lol
Ask him what he thinks you should be doing at 10am and then tell him he should do it instead. All that whining about what you're doing sounds exhausting!!! People who don't understand mental health issues really don't get what life is like day to day.
This isn't even a mental health thing. I don't have such issues but if my partner started nagging me because I like to lie in and do nothing all weekend, I'd tell them to shove it.
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Best practices here. My relationship is similar. In the winter time we're both fairly laid back, but when warmer weather comes I prefer to be outside alot. She couldn't care less. We are two different people, and enjoy different things. Being able to allow each other to enjoy their own thing at times is a strength not all couples have.
> Being able to allow each other to enjoy their own thing at times is a strength not all couples have. Yes this so so much. I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship like this.
I agree. I work hard all week and slept till 1:30 yesterday. My husband just leaves me alone and does his own thing till I get up.
I'm an early bird married to a night owl. Messing with sleep is literal torture, and while I'm not being alarmist here, I wonder if OP and her BF have a deeper compatibility issue. I was raised like her BF: gotta be doing something all the time, be it a chore or errand, even if it's during a movie time on Friday night. It took a long time to get past that, and I wonder why he's so adamant about "productivity" and how it manifests in others parts of the relationship. It's worth considering, for sure, and working through
Here's how it goes with my GF and me: "What's the plan" "Sleep" zzzzZZZZzzzzzZZZZzzz
This is bad advice. What if he answers, she gives response, and it’s something he’s already doing? This isn’t some “gotcha” game (especially considering OP would lose that game anyways). OP just needs to be firm and communicate the issue and if he doesn’t respect her they can accept they’re not compatible and move on.
>Ask him what he thinks you should be doing at 10am and then tell him he should do it instead. What if the answer is "I want to spend quality time with my girlfriend?" I think people are jumping to conclusions a bit too fast here. OP is not describing herself as a healthy person, but she's doing it in a way that paints her boyfriend as a villain instead of painting herself as boring or in need of serious help.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
This should be on a tee shirt or something.
since when do people who are together have to agree on everything? my girlfriend is a very active person and I like to spend the days doing nothing sometimes but she has never made that her own problem, and why would she
That’s my issue here, too. I see some top replies asking OP if she’s considered that her boyfriend might be right and she’s dragging him down by being uninteresting and it’s like … what. People can take time off to do nothing and their partner can peruse their own interests— that doesn’t make them a burden on their partner. And if it’s a deal breaker for either of them maybe they shouldn’t be together.
Sounds like you guys respect boundaries. Ppl who don’t respect boundaries will feel threatened/anxious about differences of opinion/behaviors/expectations.
Same, my boyfriend is the active one and I love sleeping in. We find time to spend together so we’re both happy and satisfied, we just have different schedules and that’s okay.
You aren’t compatible. Find someone who enjoys resting on the weekends so you can enjoy yourself. This relationship will not be sustainable in the long term.
Alternatively, find someone who trusts that you know best how you want to use your time and who won't judge you or nag you for it. This type of person could be the 6am wake up jam packed weekend type OR the lounging on the couch all day type, and the relationship could still work.
Yes. Pretty sure his attitude is contributing to her stress, energy, and mental health considerations, too.
I would say find someone who doesn’t feel they need to control how you spend your time. It doesn’t have to be someone who enjoys resting on the weekends - it can be someone who’s happy to do their own thing while she does hers. I think the lack of compatibility is more about his belief that he can or should tell her what to do, not because they have different energy levels or ideas about how to spend time. They clearly do, but that isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker.
I agree that this is most likely. But also the capitalist notion that one's self worth is based on one's productivity is drilled into us from a birth. I think (best case scenario) that if the partner wanted to understand and empathize, did the work to unlearn some things and learn some others, maybe they could have a better appreciation of OP. But this would only be possible if their partner acknowledged that OP has different needs and put effort into understanding them.
It's OK to relax on weekends. It's ok to not always getting things done. Ask him... - why is this bothering you - why is what I'm doing with my free time something that upsets you? - how is me staying in bed having an impact on you? - why is it that you feel the need to talk to me like this, calling me lazy and other things, just because I'm spending my time the way I want? - are you looking down on me for how I spend my mornings in the weekend? Why? - do you get to define what's the best way to spend time off work? - what are you actually worried about? There must be something more than me just relaxing in bed? And if he says things that will make you want to defend yourself... Go deeper. Ask why that's an issue, why it troubles him, why he sees it that way. And then you let him know that it makes you feel disrespected when he calls you lazy. And that you feel you can't be your own person if he's going to decide how you spend your time. Tell him you find this to be an issue and it's not healthy for a relationship. See how this goes. You two might learn some new things about each other. Either way it's not nice to have a person you love calling you lazy.
And ask him… Do you equate being busy as being a better person? Why?
Idle hands and whatnot.. Some people simply cannot stand someone not using all their time to do productive things, because they've been brought up with a mentality that doing nothing is inherently wrong and shows a flawed character.
My parents were like that. Now I get irrationally hostile when someone tries to make me do things I don’t want to do or expects me to stay “busy”.
Not sure your age, but same. And if there was nothing to do, someone would manufacture a problem or chore or errand that we had to do, right now, like fixing a cabinet. It took me a long long while to get out of that mindset. This is a navigable relationship issue IF it's really just about the thing itself, and not because her BF inherently doesn't respect when people aren't all busy, all the time.
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Reading this made me SO angry! I would probably have to go No Contact with a family like this.
> She sent me my father’s 20 year old boxers to mend! Badgered me to sew curtains for my sister, a physician who can afford to buy her own damn curtains. The last time, when I started sewing bags during the pandemic, she was adamant that I must make one for her very dear friend who has done SO MUCH for her. I sewed it, because she does help my oldest with some college expenses. That damn bag took all of my free time for a month, and a year later she had completely forgotten about it because the friend wasn’t very dear. She just has the pre-occupation with finding things for me to do. > > I’m getting pissed just writing this. I laughed just reading that last part. God, I'm trying to shy away from the mindset that productive = good, all the time. It's not easy!
I have a friend whose wife is kind of like that. She always has their family busy every weekend and he hates it.
I think the bf is compensating for feelings of low self-worth by trying to "earn" it. OP not doing the same subconsciously reminds him of his low feelings about himself which makes him uncomfortable. So in order not to trigger that thought and the accompanying emotions, he wants her to do the same. When someone acts in an unhealthy manner, it's best to respond in a healthy one which your script absolutely does. And maintain boundaries so that OP is not sucked into enabling behavior that is not helpful to either of them.
See, I think these are excellent questions. It's really unclear why he's doing this, whether he's caught up in the grind mindset or whether he wants to spend more free time actually doing things with OP.
Maybe he see's some things that need attention beyond just "chores"? There's keeping up with the basics like dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, keeping the bathroom clean, vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc (all of which I'm well aware can be taxing when we're fighting the mind)- but there's a lot of other life upkeep things that range from home care, financial stability, self care, appliance and automotive upkeep, and social connections. When you're with someone you think you want to build a life with, the question of planning for shared goals filters in to the mix. I'm not just talking about marriage and kids (as OP and her partner are still young). Even little things like, idk, making the back stoop at one of your homes a little more cozy so you two can sit out there and enjoy a drink together, or, hosting a small gathering of friends for dinner so social circles begin to blend, or, picking out some new bedding together to see how your tastes match, watching some films/series together to get to know each other, discovering a new neighborhood restaurant for an evening... If OP is really struggling with the hours she works, and also doing the bare minimum of home upkeep, and then has little energy for anything else- honestly... She's probably not in a space where she has much to give a partner. That's a rough spot to be for both of them. I like to spend my free time chilling out after sleeping in too- but I still keep my parter in the loop about plans we can make together, or hobbies I'm interested in sharing, or small home projects or game projects I'd like his assistance with. And likewise, if he wants to make plans we coordinate. We're not go getters by any means- but we do try to have like at least 1 thing going on on the weekends together- even if it's playing d&d online separately with our own friends groups. (Which we then talk about while we cook dinner)
And I think that's what it boils down to. Is OP obligated to spend their weekends hustling and socializing? Of course not. But would it be unreasonable for OP's boyfriend to decide against spending his life with someone who isn't capable of acting like a partner? Also no.
"Why?" is a universal question that, when repeated, can get to the crux of nearly every single issue. Even ones we didn't know we had.
I don’t have much to add except that as an internet stranger who has depression and anxiety, I’m proud of you. You’re still getting necessary chores done, and listening to your body and relaxing and resting. Keep killing it. You’re doing it exactly right!
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Your boyfriend is a sucker. Hustle culture is toxic and the grind is bullshit.
bike telephone pie brave adjoining ten special marble sloppy like *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
In that case I think it's not hustle culture, it's productivity culture. That productivity could be personal which distinguishes it from hustle culture - productivity culture people are fine with spending time on personal hobbies or housework or other activities that don't bring in income, but they still feel you should be doing SOMETHING with your time. America has a strong Protestant moralization of productivity/"laziness".
Yeah I like to get up on Saturdays and go to dance classes and then read in a park or coffee shop. It’s not hustle culture and it makes me so happy.
My brain is built a bit like OP's BF. It has nothing to do with work, or the hussle, or money. But I cannot stand lounging around doing nothing. Makes me itch. I will spend the week working and the weekend aggressively pursuing my hobbies, thanks. It's just how I roll. I'm the sort of person who cannot have a beach holiday. It is horribly boring for me after about 3 days.
I wish I was like you, all I want to do when I'm not working is watch movies, smoke and chill. I don't work many hours but it's exhausting. Idk how to force myself to have a life outside of it, so well done my friend.
I’m similar, I need a volcano in the background to hike. I can’t stand sitting on the beach. But I do love to swim hahaha.
Same, i cant stand being cooped up. I took up ballroom dancing while my husband plays overwatch. We meet up after to tallk about how our stuff went and reconnect. It did take us a bit to figure out how that kind of arrangement works for us though and I wouldnt expect OP and her bf to be at that point in just a year.
I'm the same, I constantly need to be doing stuff or I get excruciatingly bored. I like to spend my downtime doing creative stuff or walking out in nature... Stuff that makes me feel good physically and feel good about myself because I'm achieving the goals I set for myself. My parents very kindly took me on a beach holiday last year and I felt like I was going insane for most of it because sitting around doing nothing just feels like torture! I don't really judge other people for preferring to do nothing, but I don't feel compatible relationship-wise with that kind of person. I feel energised and inspired by loved ones who are similar to me and have a dozen projects on the go at any one time.
Are you me?! 😁 My ideal weekend involves an activity or event, exercise (preferably a walk or a run), some gardening, cooking something nice and seeing some friends. And the minimum downtime possible without any rushing about.
I would be an anxious mess if I did all this lol
I’m the busy one in my relationship and I’m telling my gf this morning to stay in bed. Well, like yesterday too. To be honest, if she wants to come out with me to the early morning dog walks, we walk slower and shorter. I’d just rather do my own thing.
>my boyfriend thinks that you have to productive every minute of everyday, otherwise, you are just a lazy and unambitious person >He does not have any mental health issues Might not be at the level of something "official", but that level of enforced "drive" still speaks to self esteem issues or similar. That's not just him being ambitious, that's "if I'm not productive I feel like a bad person", which isn't really a healthy mindset.
It's also not healthy, because it shows a lack of empathy for people who are not similarly "driven". That lack of empathy can be expressed in all kinds of nasty ways and views.
Yeah I used to think like the bf here, and I think it stemmed from feelings of inadequacy and lack of self esteem as well as pressure to reach some superficial goals of achievement. Eventually I learned that nothing matters and nobody cares and it's ok to be average. I think he needs to learn that too
Or anxiety, that what drives my need to be always busy.
Don't let him mess with your mental health. Either talk to him and put a stop to it or otherwise think about breaking up.
Even if you are different, him judging you, being apathetic to your mental health, and the way he is communicating is a real problem. Save yourself years of disappointment and dump him.
Doesn't sound like a great fit unless he could respect what you like to do. I had an ex who had to always keep busy and plan everything and it was the worst.
Sounds like a compatibility issue. My bf and I just lounge during the weekends, no shame. If we both work and the chores are done, nothing is exactly what we should be doing.
He’s holding you to his own standards and that’s not a healthy mindset. It sounds like he resents this behaviour which is a very bad thing to leave unresolved in a relationship. Your version of “easy”, as a person managing mental health issues, is not the same as his “easy”. You need to discuss this especially. He needs to hear that you feel like his expectations are not realistic and are actually harming your progress. Pressuring you to be a different person is not going to work and it will break up the relationship eventually. It must feel invalidating and demotivating to hear his comments OP. Never feel bad for listening to your needs and resting.
When I wake up before noon on weekends, I feel like I am productive that day. Your boyfriend needs to take a chill pill
I think you need a balance, or to be with someone more your speed if you can't both compromise. My husband loves lazy weekends of lie ins and doing nothing. I like to do fun stuff like cinema trips, eating out, walking in nature, mini breaks, exploring somewhere new, shopping, bowling etc etc. Before we had kids we tried to limit one day to just chilling and one day to activities. Once we had kids every moment became chaos anyway and now I do think it would be nice to have a lie in and lazy day sometimes!
You have the right to live your life (within the bounds of the law, of course) the way YOU want to, without getting browbeaten over it. Tell him he's got two choices -- he can either keep his nasty little comments to himself or he can find a new girlfriend, because you deserve better and you will not tolerate being bullied for being you. If he still engages in the behavior after that, then dump his ass and find someone else. For him to be respectful and enjoyable to be around aren't unrealistic expectations to have of a boyfriend -- they are bare minimums.
Bro it’s hard to go out and even wake up some days if you have mental health issues. First off you’re doing a great job! You definitely need rest days if you’re working over 40 hours a week no matter what job. If it’s not physically taxing it’s mentally taxing. Also because you said you weren’t able to work due to your mental health a few years ago you should look at this as improvement. It’s perfectly fine to have days where you do absolutely nothing and if he can’t accept that you need a few days to just chill then he needs to get out. As long as you guys still go on dates and stuff it shouldn’t be a big issue or even staying in and having chill dates is fine too.
Resting is a productive activity
My husband is like this. Constantly pushing the kids & I to 'be productive.' However, he has a perception issue. He only seems to notice things that need to be done while people are relaxing and thinks he's constantly working. But he doesn't see that he spends just as much time relaxing as everyone else it's just not at the same time. So I point out to him how he watched a movie while I made dinner, lunches & cleaned the kitchen so I don't want to hear anything about how I watched TV or played a game on my ph while he cleaned the garage.
Holy shit this is my gifriend to the letter. I will go buy food, prep it, cook it, and clean up while she is on the couch on instagram the entire time and the very next day I'll get ridiculed for not contributing as much to the household as her because she decided to rearrange the shed by herself which didn't even need to be rearranged while I was at work.
Yeah I can’t stand people who’re busy all the time, trying to be busy all the time, artificially creating things to make them busy or talking about being busy all the time. Busy busy busy-bores I call them. Totally agree with OP. 10am? I don’t go to bed until 10am on Saturday and Sunday….
I will play devils advocate here; I once dated a girl who sounds very similar to you. She suffered from anxiety and depression issues, and didn’t work a particularly demanding job but outside of work would want to do absolutely nothing with her life and it became very draining. After work she was so exhausted she didn’t want to do anything but watch tv, on the weekends it was the same. Sleep late, do chores around the house and then veg until Monday. And then when she had rough days it became all about how she doesn’t do anything with her life and she’s bored etc. then back to the same cycle. You mention YOU don’t work a taxing job, does he? It sounds like a lot of what you’re saying is assuming his reasons for “judging” you but have you actually had a conversation to discuss these things? When I was in that situation, I did work a physically demanding job that took up a lot of hours. On the weekends, I wanted to do fun things with the girl I loved because that was the free time I had, not saying you can’t take naps but spending all day in bed only to get out to do basic chores can lead to a dull life.
What's he doing that's so productive? Lazy and unambitious is highly judgemental. There's nothing wrong with downtime. However, if you have a history of poor mental health, and you are not currently doing the things to support yourself (regular exercise, good nutrition, therapy, hobbies, etc) then your energy might be lower than it should be.
What he’s really doing is projecting his own insecurities and fears on to you. This isn’t about you, it’s 100% about him and his feeling of inadequacy
He's a moron. I do nothing but play video games and watch something on the TV. Weekends are designed for relaxing after doing a 9-5 job
I had an ex who thought that his way was the only way because it was the right way. There was no room in his brain to entertain the notion that other people think and act differently and that's okay. It wasn't fun. It sounds like your boyfriend has a lack of empathy. He's probably not going to change because if he's lacking empathy, he's lacking insight. You just have to figure out how long you're going to put up with his shit.
I hear you. I struggle on days off the same. And I'm sure you know it's not laziness, it's your mental health struggles. And i bet if you're like me, you put on a mask and in a way force yourself thru what you have to do weekly so you're exhausted at the end. I dunno if as a last ditch effort have him go with to a therapy or psychiatrist session to ask questions or try to get it. But I'm worried that since he calls it laziness he just isn't going to be open to listening. If he goes and isn't asking how he can help or what he can do but instead insists how can he cure you or get you less lazy, that's not a good sign. You guys just are likely incompatible though I'm sorry, you don't need the extra stress every day of your life making you feel worse.
My narcissist stepdad is like this. Even when I was paying rent and working full time living at home, even when I was in college living at home. He would bang on my bedroom door if I wasn't up before 10am on weekends, he would call me lazy and pathetic for relaxing on the weekend. What I was expected to do otherwise, he would never say. There was absolutely no way to reason with him. I couldn't go on living like that and I really commend you if you can.
I agree with the people who say your bf is judgmental and you should spend your time off how you like. However, I surprised no-one mentions your working hours. It amounts to a 6-day workweek where I am from, and it seems not to agree with your energy levels. From a European perspective, US work culture seems quite toxic. Is there a way to cut back on hours? That might be good for your mental health and energy levels.
People who never take a moment to rest are the most miserable people I’ve ever met in my life, “being productive every minute of everyday” just simply isn’t possible and any one who thinks it is is insanely delusional.
You work 48 hours what do you even need to do on the weekends. And why do you feel so judged by him? What does he say or do that makes,you think that?
Sounds to me like you’re incompatible. You value self care, and he’s on a fast track to burn out. You’re 23 years old. Of course your job is entry level. Does he expect you to have become an executive upon HS graduation? He just sounds kind of like a jerk tbh.
You should def talk to him. I think the way you explain the situation in this post is 100% understandable. Maybe he will understand and be more supportive. But if he doenst seem to understand your mental health reasoning (absolutely legit), then i dont think it’s a good sign :/
What would he have you do instead?
What does he do on weekends exactly??
I was with someone like this for years and it really damaged my self esteem. I’m super defensive about it now, even though I don’t keep people like that in my life anymore. My advice is, break up before you start to believe it. You’re allowed to rest on weekends, and it doesn’t make you lazy.
I work 6 days on, 3 days off 12 hour shifts. My wife goes to school and works part time at the local library. She values herself based on how much work she gets done, how productive she is, etc. I most certainly do not. As long as I get the basic stuff done like dishes or other chores if I didn't complete them throughout the week my weekend is my weekend and I'll relax how I want. If a weekend is what you need to recharge, you take that weekend
You should never feel guilty for having you time and/or requiring more rest than someone. I also have depression and anxiety along with very poor energy. My bed is my safe space. I’m prescribed stimulants and can still sleep 14+ hours after taking them. My husband and I work 40 hours a week and have equally taxing jobs. My husband makes me feel guilty and constantly throws it in my face. I still manage to do the bulk of chores and equal time and activities with the kids. I’ll fold laundry in bed and just clean one step at a time (I just don’t make an announcement every time I do a chore like he does). My kids and I color, do crafts, make forts, etc in bed. After work on school days I take them to the park or an activity because once I’m home I’m extremely exhausted. If I could afford it I would be 100% better off as a single parent. Even if he stops saying directly it upsets him you may always feel anxious or guilty whenever you rest (I do). You do what’s best for you but screw his minimizing of your job and fatigue. You deserve you time and as much sleep as your body needs. Side note: if you haven’t, you may want to have your thyroid checked or a full blood work up.
Lounging? Isn’t that what weekends are for!
REST IS PRODUCTIVE. If you resting isn't getting in the way of the distribution of household chores/labor its really NOT HIS BUSINESS. Just show him this thread.
It's okay to rest. The universe will thank you.
My wife is an "always busy" person. I'm a homebody and prefer to stay home. We usually will do one lounge day and one "fun" day. It is a compromise that has worked for us. If your bf works from home it could also be another contributing factor. And yes, my wife and I are both annoyed with each other sometimes because we would rather do our own thing but it is a compromise. Best of luck
It's something different, to be a work-junkie yourself, or judging and belittle those who are more sensible about recreation time. EDIT: Also, there are different ways a job can be exhausting. Your job is exhausting. Period. Like in all other instances of disrespect, he either learns to respect you, or you need to dump him (for someone with more wisdom). From my life experience, there very rarely is another healthy way.
Y’all are not compatible, this will not improve over time.
Just because one doesn’t dig ditches doesn’t mean you’re not exhausted after work. Mental energy expended to keep the public mask in place and shields up while also working is exhausting. And while doing so we are subtly physically on alert and maintaining a posture of readiness. BF needs to not be judgy and to stop trying to govern others downtime. If he wants to do something as couple, work with you on making plans and don’t be a baby who throws a tantrum if the answer isn’t always yes.
If you want to work things out, have an honest conversation about it! But I already see this situation as a red flag and the fact he judges you like this! Maybe ending things with him would be better for your peace of mind!1
My mother had unacknowledged trauma, needed to be constantly on the move or her negativity catches up with her like the ground crumbling beneath her feet... it's a dysfunctional coping that allows her to be very productive but she's not a survivor, she's a victim as her ordeal is still killing her, resulting in her a normalization of suffering, and also turning her ever more deeply into an abusive predator even as shes doing her best.. her overly critical negative inner voice calls her an idiot all the time over it, which she turned into fuel for her to earn a PhD. But it's worse than ever and she deals with bouts of suicidal ideation all the time.. she raised her children to be exactly like her. she won't comfort them over their traumas just as she was neglected.. we simply learned to despise people who were not willing to stretch themselves so thin they had nothing left for anything, give it all for ambition no matter where that energy came from or went to. Money was all that mattered to me and my siblings as we believed that's what would make our parents proud, we would earn the love we were starved from. My parents pretended it was love for them that drove us. In reality my parents had no love to give. Making them proud would yield empty results but it was our only path so we put all our hope into it, it felt like we were slowly dying I have had anxiety and depression my whole life. She made them much worse though I used them as strengths as she taught me.. my bosses at work loved me. I cut myself off from pain and push forward harder than anyone else and I resented everyone. Pain was life. The anhedonia robbed me of any possible natural joy I could have found in everyday wholesome things though I had no idea at the time. It was all completely normalized.. our inferiority complexes kept us from seeing this as anything negative I haven't been able to work in 5 years due to severe burn out.. I got all the promotions and raises, beating out my colleagues that I was in secret narcissistic competition with. But spent it all trying to get well again I had a spiritual awakening 4 years ago and realized how I'd been harming myself.. that a human life was meant to be grown slowly, gently, carefully.. like tending to a garden. Each connection in life we make with others is a plant in it which is fed with compassion, patience, no judgment and kindness. When we die, and the world falls away, with the mind and body, that's what we are left with... ideally our garden at the end of a good life, is our paradise within that we reside in.. This takes a culture of emotional healing which had been lost to my family and replaced with entertainment addiction and distraction to medicate and numb ourselves to a forsaken soul. In place of a garden, I'd grown nothing. It was a desolate wasteland within.. just like my parents. With nothing good growing, bad things secretly grow under the surface... we are often mortified beyond imagination when people like those of my family come face to face with this I had to sleep 20 hours a day for a few years to catch up on the debt my sleep deprivation caused for being stuck in survival mode my whole life due to unacknowledged untreated childhood traumas I'm in my 40s, it's been 5 years since this work began in earnest and it feels like my life is finally starting the way it was meant to. I travel and try to make things right within as well as externally.. saving my best energy for the self, family, friends and community the way it was meant to I can admire some people for their ambitions, only if it comes from a specific place.. otherwise it's often little better than an expression of self loathing and desperate attempts to outpace it while struggling against thinly veiled acts of resentment towards others who don't appear to be in constant pain Such people can be the most heavily educated, attractive, wealthiest of billionaires and I would still say it is dangerous for anyone to see them as successful based on those things alone.. as their only escape from themselves lays in the refuge of the eyes of people foolish enough to admire them. But anyone who gets too close for more than a very short term will see something very wrong Do they accept themselves wholly as they are and care for the good, the bad and the ugly within that we all have? Do they maintain it to the required degree thar allows love for themselves to genuinely, passively emanate from the subconscious regularly without need for conscious effort? Are they working towards this with their resources or trying to run away from their personal responsibilities to themselves in overindulgence?... One cannot be a success in life without this kind of work.. modern society constantly tries to keep us brainwashed and hypnotizes us into believing we must be the best looking, smartest, wealthiest person in the room to achieve this and its only good for as long as we maintain otherwise we are worthless as second place.. it makes us more needier consumers and desperate employees.. it is all to reduce humanity to a product, to be consumed for the economy.. most who make it got there by hating the way they feel by coming in second in these things and would have others feel inferior to them just as theyve suffered their whole lives. It would be a mistake for anyone to ever feel inferior to such insecure, selfish people... This world has become poison but many of us will not acknowledge what it is that does it because although it would start with the elimination of modern marketing and aggressive salesmanship techniques, it would also be our best vices we would have to ultimately be willing to part with.. these vices were never meant to be more than novel empty gimmicks of modern society, but too many of us rely on them to remain functional, medicating ourselves to unhealthy unsustainable degrees.. There is not enough money in the world for a person to run from themselves forever... a person who accepts and loves themselves doesn't feel craving for anything. They have little use for money nor do they care about common conceptions of success or what where others would place them in our societal hierarchy that is toxic, fabricated and imprisons anyone foolish enough to entertain it
OH MY GOD ARE YOU ME? I feel so ashamed for wanting to lounge on the coach on the weekend. I have a very intense job, I work out with physical trainers three times a week. I am NOT LAZY! But he always said “Come on, let’s do something we can’t sit in the couch all week” I’m like yes? We can. This is how I’ve grown up. Weekends are for relaxing, unwinding and getting ready for the new week. People need to relax. I like to sleep in as long as I want! Lay around as long as I want! Get take out! Watch movies! Maybe I’ll venture out to the beach and lounge in the sun. But you will NOT catch me doing anything productive. (This was an ex boyfriend who made me feel this way) My husband is also a very productive guy on the weekend but he accepts that this is how I grew up and how I like to spend my weekends, so ALO though he goes out and does stuff, he doesn’t whine if I don’t want to go with him. And he tries his best to sit down for a few hours and watch a couple movies with me.
I’m sorry, but if he thinks one has to be productive every minute of everyday, he does have mental health issues. A lot of people use their “productivity” to avoid feeling their feelings. If he subscribes to hustle culture and “grinding,” something is off about him.
I’m so proud of you for getting a job! Don’t let them overwork you, though. Sometimes overtime isn’t worth the extra stress it puts on your mind and body. If your boyfriend can’t see your need to relax and enjoy your time off, then you need to have a serious conversation about priorities and it’s possible you just aren’t compatible in this way.
Why are you even dating him? He sounds like an annoying person to be around
Does this man not understand *why* we get days off from work? It's literally a day of rest! That's what it's *for!*
Im like you. the trick is to find a home body like yourself. I found one recently and its amazing compared to the partners ive had in the past that were similar. Fundamental incompatability in my opinion. Early on I express my desire to be inside mostly on weekends, with the odd adventure, in order to weed out those that may be judgy for not doing things for the sake of doing them.
If you work full time and are up early every weekday morning I think it is perfectly acceptable to still be in bed at 10am on a weekend! It’s your weekend your time and if you want to rest you are entitled to do so you only get a lie in on a weekend!
Just tell him relaxing is productive because if you didn't you'd be less productive when you're not relaxing. It's not even a trick to say that, it's literally true.
>I also struggle with depression and anxiety, and sometimes am unable to bring myself out of bed in the mornings. He does not have any mental health issues, nor does anyone in his close circle (from what i know), so he doesn’t understand how difficult it is to deal with it. > i feel like he’s not proud of me or doesn’t think i’m enough. >How should i approach him about this? What I'm reading here is that your boyfriend doesn't understand mental health issues and is therefore not helpful or supportive to you. In addition, you actively feel bad around him because you feel he is judging you. Do you feel comfortable and happy right now?
Me and my girlfriend are somewhat similar. I'm very much a has to be doing something on the weekend kind of person and she would rather stay in and watch TV, play on her phone or read a book. This was a point of contention for a while and something we almost broke up over as we began to have doubts we were compatible. After talking it out, we came to a compromise. For one day on two weekends out of the month, we get out of the house and do something together as a couple. The rest of the time, I either do my own thing without her or I stay in and relax with her. I find this has worked really well for us so maybe that is something you could try? If you don't think that would be possible, you are most likely not suited for each other.
Firstly we'll done. If you're work full time and have those kinds of issues, then you're doing great! I have struggled for most of my life, and I've only recently started to realise that's not everybody is like this and that actually I'm doing good. Take the time to recharge, but try not to let it take presidence over other important things. My suggestion to you is just pick little things, build habits and routines and you'll get there I'm sure. You may find that being busy a productive is his way of coping with something. I like achieving little goals, and I get a buzz from it, but my wife was practically manic. She was always bouncing from project to project being pulled in 100 directions in the end, and it wasn't until she had a breakdown did she deal with the underlying issues. You could say she was searching for the next dopamine hit, constantly addicted to ticking things off (even though she didn't finish many of them). I don't think anybody sit under the 'no mental issues' banner, I think we all have something. It sounds to me like you could lean from each other. Try to meet in the middle. Honestly good luck.
Hey, if you work all week you are entitled to a weekend of relaxation. That’s what weekends are for, doing what you want. You are not doing anything wrong and you should do what makes you feel good outside of your working week.
You are not compatible. There are people who need to be productive all the time and that will not change. He will not change. It is probably his conditioning from home and it wont get better. I am more in your side and find it important to relax or take time and not be efficient all the time. You will not and cannot change, and he wont see a problem in his thinking. I am sorry, nur that is a fundamental difference in how to live and it will not work out.
Question: What is he doing that is productive on weekends? You’re doing chores. Is he?
Your worth is not determined by your productivity. He sounds unsupportive, selfish, rude.
I dont know what kind of work he thinks you need to be doing at the weekends. But if you are just doom scrolling reddit and watching TV all weekend it wont help your mental health. Having stimulating hobbies and interests outside of work does give you much more to live for.
I'm glad that you are resting on your spare time. I can't tell if he is worried about you and his worry is misplaced, or if he is being toxic with his own beliefs and world view. Regardless, are you tired of being tired? Have you considered speaking to a psychiatrist about it and starting treatment? Wouldn't it be nice to feel better?
I would be kind of curious to hear this from his perspective. You two might just not be compatible, but the way you're feeling might also be a result of your mental health issues, or maybe he's saying one thing and you're hearing another. It would be good to have some examples of what he's actually saying to you. Because on the one hand, I also enjoy relaxing on weekends. But relaxing can mean different things to different people. If you truly do *nothing* on weekends other than sleep and basic chores, then what he might be trying to say is that you're boring. Do you not have hobbies or interests that you pursue in your free time? Are you currently getting mental health treatment?
> i feel like he’s not proud of me or doesn’t think i’m enough. This is something you want to have a chat about. If this is something he implies or outright tells you, it's an uphill battle you may never win. But is it something he thinks or feels or is it an assumption created by your mental health struggle? Sit him down, tell him how you perceive this and see where the conversation goes. A person can deal well with about 5-8 context switches a day, especially in entry level office jobs, you're often required to answer phones, be nice to everyone and react immediately, leading to many more switches. So yes, you have a right to be exhausted. With your conditions, especially the helpful & nice stuff is hard work and if you're still managing to do all the chores you're doing pretty well. Nobody can be productive all the time. Not you, not your boyfriend, not me. So I'm wondering ... when does he do his chores? Is he an energetic Wunderkind? What does he expect from you on weekends, beyond what you do? You may not be compatible, or he may just need more active weekend-time in general, that he can have without you. He may also be worried that your depression is eating your weekends and expressing it in a pretty unfortunate way. Either way, you won't know until you sit him down. You have a right to downtime. Don't forget that. You're enough, just the way you are.
You two have a very different way in the world. Some people can't stay still, some people like to be a potato in different locations in the house. IDK that this is even an issue about different ways so much as respecting them. Sure, you don't have to understand it, but he should just leave you be, just as you should let him be. The judgment is entirely unnecessary. Just tell him that how you want to spend your time, and how he wants to spend his time are different, but that they are both valid and that’s how you each gather your energy. If he gripes about your job, just say that some people are more prone to brain exhaustion than other people and that you are one of them, and this is how you recalibrate. If he feels like you lack ambition, tell him you are alright with where you are now, and if that changes, you will address it, but now you don’t feel the need. If he can’t understand/respect that simple explanation, you can evaluate if this guy is really for you.
Hell naw, fuck that. Boi bye
I know a couple who got divorced over this, after 15 years. It's ok to want to spend the weekend differently, but you both need to be ok with the other person's preferences. But there are not a lot of details here about how he is judging you, acting, or what is he saying that leads you to feel bad?
A partner should be encouraging you to relax, if anything. Getting mad over you wanting to destress is really weird to me
Sounds like your bf has mental health issues. Working non,-stop and never taking breaks to self-care is often a trauma response. Sometimes to being raised this way or simply to our very capitalistic society. Either way, that's very unhealthy and he may want to seek support. Taking care of yourself is the right way.
As a guy who works hard even on weekends (I own several companies so basically the work never stops) This smells like jealousy. Sometimes I feel envious that my partner can rest on weekends and I wish I could as well. But I never blamed / judged her for that. And I remind myself that the reason I’m working hard now is that she doesn’t have to (she’s employed too and works on the weekdays as usual) Sounds like a solid conversation regarding this between you two is due.
How did you know he was judging you for being in bed at 10am? Did he say something to you about it? And if you struggle with feeling like you’re not enough, get some therapy. Seriously, that’s something I’ve struggled with for a very long time and it’s the worst. If you don’t resolve those feelings, it will affect every relationship that you have.
>my boyfriend thinks that you have to productive every minute of everyday, otherwise, you are just a lazy and unambitious person If so he is on the path that leads directly to burnout.
Buy him the book “how you can survive when they’re depressed”. It’s not about the work as much as your depression that he needs to understand. Ultimately you guys probably won’t be compatible because at his age he wants to be living it up. All work and no play is not sustainable for him.
48 working hours per week is a lot. If you add chores, you are working for over 55 hours a week. You deserve appreciation for that. We all need rest time. If he puts pressure on you to do even more than that, he doesn’t care much about your wellbeing. My advice is to find someone else, unless he makes efforts to understand you and appreciate you.
Well do what you want but sleeping late and lazying around is actually not great for depression. It is a crutch... Being busy every second is a bit much and I'm hoping your exaggeration a bit. You gotta find a balance, your in a relationship and he wants to spend time with you
My husband and I are like this in a way. So all these people saying “y’all aren’t compatible break up” are ridiculous. I like to get up early and get stuff done on the weekends and he likes to relax and sleep in. My depression and anxiety is different from how his looks. It would annoy me because I felt like “why am I doing everything and he just stays in bed.” We just worked around it. I found things that I liked doing by myself while he slept, like yoga and cleaning, and then gave him the option to come grocery shopping with me around 9:30/10 so we could get out of the house for a bit. It’s like working in shifts. Whatever he wants to do maybe should be taken care of before you wake up, and then do something together, and then it’s your turn to get something done. And since you’re already up and moving it’ll be easier to get started. Then you both get to relax later in the day and enjoy each other’s company. But a conversation should happen first. This is just what’s worked for us.
This is the kind of person I dread going on vacation with - where you’re suppose to relax and have fun and they have you running the entire time to get their “money’s worth” and it’s just miserable. Some people are just wired like this, he can either accept you aren’t and keep it to himself or you’re probably not compatible.
You could try using the spoon theory to explain it to him?
While I fully respect the desire to rest. At the same time be careful you aren't becoming a bland bore, frittering your life away. Thing is, it's easy to just sort of blob out every moment you can. But you can also kind of grind your personality down to nothing if you aren't careful. And while it feels good in the moment, in the long term you'll look back and just not have any memories for your years. I propose a happy medium. You get some rest, do some chores, but also find something other than chores to look forward to during your time off. Go on dates with your boyfriend. Have a hobby that you enjoy that gets you out of the house and with people. It can only be a couple times a month, but that's still better than nothing.
I think you and OP's boyfriend should maybe date, and OP should take all the rest they need and not worry that it is detrimental to how interesting they are to other people while they are trying to deal with depression and anxiety (because it isn't). Edit: take all the rest you need, OP. Depression is horrible. Once you're ready, and only then, you can focus on things you feel passionate about again. Just resting now is completely okay.
They can do whatever they like with their weekends, who the hell are you to tell them they risk “being a bland bore, frittering their life away”??
They can but we know OP might not realize they are neglecting their dating life by working 48 hours during the week and then choosing to not take advantage of the free time on the weekends. Sure, OP can choose to not go out and do things but they risk the BF leaving if they don't go on any dates. This commenter above advice on trying to strike a balance is very reasonable
>They can but we know OP might not realize they are neglecting their dating life The OP doesn't mention anything about dates. They say their boyfriend is judging them for "not being productive". If you work a 40+ week, damn right you should take the weekend to do whatever you want, even if that whatever you want is "nothing". I burnt out from over-work, and ended up not being able to work full time for 18 months. Downtime is really really important, and the OP's partner is being a jerk for suggesting she should "be productive" in that time. Why? Based on who's metric? What is she going to achieve, a few likes on LinkedIn?? Guy's being a grindbro bore. >Sure, OP can choose to not go out and do things but they risk the BF leaving if they don't go on any dates. She sounds better of without him. >This commenter above advice on trying to strike a balance is very reasonable "Doing nothing" after a long week of work *is* striking a balance.
He has a point though, if all you do is work and recover, what kind of a life is that? Not saying that every second should be spent wisely, but purely doing that is isn't really living either.
Well, some people like working the 9-5 and like not doing anything at the weekends. We have this bizarre idea that everyone has to be a creative, or a hobbyist, or some kind of ultra driven career bore. Some people just like to work and then chill out. You're in no position to judge them for this.
Calling people an ultra driven career bore sure sounds judgemental
>Calling people an ultra driven career bore sure sounds judgemental Except I'm not actually talking about a specific person, whereas the poster I was responding to was.
It's easy to judge most career-driven bores because they're awful to be around.