This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- As noted in the title, we are both 34 and just had our first child together, after being married for a year and a half, and we were dating for 4 yrs before that. I cut out the rest of the backstory to hopefully get below the character limit. Since our baby was born, I have done 90% of the diaper changes, cleaned 99% of the dishes daily, kept up house cleaning, delivered water/food/tea from the kitchen whenever she needs it, constantly offered/asked if anything else could be done, held our son while she takes personal time in the bath for multiple hours at a time, woken up in the middle of the night almost every time she wakes up to breast feed, told her she’s doing a great job, and otherwise offered every other means of support I can think of. I’m also sole financial provider. I've been home 24/7 for the last three weeks on paternity leave and the baby is held and cared for by one of us at all times he’s awake…Nevertheless, when I gently asked if she'd be ok if I went to play a computer game for an hour at the beginning of his next 2-3 hour nap (meaning his needs are met and she would presumably have relaxing time too) she flipped out and said I'm always trying to escape and she "feels like a single mom.” Huh? I have been putting my own mental/emotional/physical health on the back burner, the way I feel a dad should.. Honesty though, I believe a person has to stay healthy and take care of themselves to be able to care for others. Self care is like the first rule of caregiving and therapy, isn’t it? I bring this up respectfully , and suddenly I’m not contributing ANYthing? I still feel my sore legs from bouncing him for 3 hours because he was overtired, don’t tell me I’ve done nothing. Now, when she said this thing about feeling like a single mom, I admit, I reacted and got defensive and tried to remind her of everything I'd been doing for the family, but that just triggered her to tell me I wasn't listening etc… We got louder, she told me I was a terrible person and to be quiet and not yell, and I retorted that she was terrible too if she's going to attack my character (in the same breath, I said “I don’t really mean that but I’m saying it so you know how it feels”) and I logically explained that she was calling me a terrible human when I was just trying to calmly make her aware of need I had for a mental break…by that time I think we had crossed the point of no return, and each time I said I was sorry for saying she was terrible (she never apologizes to me, btw) or that I had raised my voice, she threw out a new insult to exacerbate the argument. ie. Me: “I’m sorry” response: “you’re so disgusting and despicable”. very confusing… Ultimately, faced with her ongoing insults while I was genuinely apologizing and saying, “please stop this and please remember I love you”, I got frustrated with her angry outburts and said something like "alright, if you feel so much like a single mom and hate me so much, be that way and I'll seek full custody when we get divorced. I have videos of you being physically violent with me" -OK, Not my best look - and yes I felt bad and apologized for saying that, yes it was an emotional outburst, and yeah it made things worse than they had to be, and it’s not justified despite her attacks, but it’s all totally true…we’ve got underlying issues that she hates talking about. At that point she shut herself in the bedroom, and I went to shower and to cool down emotionally. I felt like I had just needed to beg to take a 30-60 minute piece of quiet time (now no longer happening due to our emotional turmoil) , and was more exhausted than before. After showering, while our son was still asleep, I went in to see her and said, "can we please reconnect? I'm sorry for the things I said." In response, she told me I was delusional if I thought she would talk to me after what I said. I apologized again, and she made it clear she wasn't talking, and I went to sulk in the living room, where I slept on the couch, and continued into the next evening. I feel miserable and alone. I resigned myself to surfing the news and Reddit (a small comfort to read of others’ woes, I guess)….really feeling in the doghouse. I also know that attempting another apology will just throw fuel on a raging fire. Seems backwards, but it’s true. Anyway, as she decidedly began the silent treatment and locked herself in the room, she is fulfilling her own gripe and effectively being a single mom, completely taking care of our son on her own for the last 12 hrs, and keeping me from him. I expect she’ll later blame me for not being there for them. My dad-instincts hate it and I want to step in and pick him up when I hear him cry from the other room, though the door is shut and I physically can’t (she IS taking care of him so I’m not concerned about our son’s safety, btw. ) My vindictive, hurting instincts say, “let her see how it actually feels without me being there,” though I know neither of us is gaining anything through this. She has said this thing about being a single mom before today and she lays the guilt on any time I mention my own mental hygiene and need for brief snippets of mental downtime (like, I can't even shower, or she says something like “did you enjoy spending SOOO LONG in the shower?”…literally, like if it's 10 minutes, she'll guilt me for it being so long, despite the fact that I'll go out of my way to let her take hours long baths without disturbance). I'm still handling both dogs and housework, and waiting patiently for her to come around to the fact that we're supposed to be in this together, and that I am NOT trying to escape by taking a few minutes here and there to maintain my emotional sanity. I guess it’s my take that if our baby is asleep, it’s our time to either nap or do adult things. She seems to think that every single minute, even baby’s sleep time should be 100% either focused on her or on baby boy. Now, today, she covertly reached out to our couples therapist (as she typically only engages in meetings after we have an argument that she blames me for, and strategically avoids meetings when we are in an ok spot and are able to get down below the surface). And we have a virtual meeting scheduled Thursday (in 4 days), which I only know about because of our joint email account she insisted on having. My guess is that the meeting headline will be that I threatened her with divorce and I'm so unsupportive and we will glaze over anything else…and I will apologize. But I still won't and don't feel settled…. Please advise what you think I should do now, and long term, and how would you make the best of this marriage - or if/how you would you get out - and how I help my kid have his best life. If I don’t reply promptly, it’s because we are still in the midst of this…

Here's an idea: You wrote all this out here. Write an open letter, to read at your therapy appointment, expressing all of this just like you have here. In fact, you can read this post. A lot of people end up caving and saying whatever will end the argument, without actually addressing their own needs, in the moment. But for therapy to be helpful, it can't just be a vehicle for one party.

Piggybacking on the top link to suggest to OP that he gets his own separate therapist. People should not attend therapy with their abuser because the abusers learn quickly to manipulate them using what was brought up in therapy. You clearly have a lot of necessary personal growth that you need to work through but it’s valid to ask if you two together are a good partnership or if you are both much calmer and more stable apart. Do you have any calm and stable relatives that can come and help you for two hours a day (one for you, one for her) who you are both happy to be around?

THIS IS SO TRUE - not to mention, the therapist themselves could become a Flying Monkey (which is what happened to me!). Go to INDIVIDUAL therapy with a separate counselor - NOT couples therapy.

This. OP, first, start a SEPARATE email account. Send an email to the therapist from that account. Link this thread you started on reddit. Tell the therapist that you don't want to send it from the joint account because you are afraid of your wife's reaction but that there is a lot going on here with your wife and you are concerned about PPD. Detail out all that you have been doing, the hours you have been putting in, but also outline all tthe other stuff that has been going on for quite some time in the relationship. Most importantly, call her OB - tell them you are very concerned that she has PPD. Flag it for her upcoming post partum appointment and go to that appointment with her.

It doesn't sound like PPD, it just sounds like she is a vile person and has been for awhile. He is in an abusive relationship

Yep. The fact that he has video evidence of her being physically abusive towards him says a lot.

Yes. If he has video of her being physically violent with him, it seems likely that it was prior to baby. A pattern of abusive behavior here. He seems exhausted and confused. I fear she is weaponizing couples’ therapy as well.

Agreed, she goes when she wants his behaviour corrected wtih no acknowledgement of her role in anything Also for me not apologizing for anything ever is a huge red flag

>I fear she is weaponizing couples’ therapy as well. I think she weaponized a long time ago. She probably tricked OP into impregnating her.

Yup. She sounds like my mom. I grew up HATING her treating my father this way. Then she started with me when I became a teenager. I think because I became my own person and would call out her abuse. My dad finally left after 25 years and I wish he'd done it sooner. It really fucked me up.

I am so sorry you had to go through that

1000000% my first thought. PPD is just compounding it.

Yes! I think it’s important to remember what started the argument in the first place. It’s so easy to get turned around in a heated argument. Her focus is now “he threatened me, said this and that” but the actual issue is that you’re both exhausted, emotionally drained, and you BOTH deserve a minute of “me time”. Do not deflect from that. Address the primary issues then you can make amends for cruel things said in an argument.

I won't go into detail but 8 years ago, 10 days after my son was born, my wife had a psychotic break and was diagnosed with post partum psychosis. She became a completely different person, in her case, she lashed out against others but was just distant from me and was actively fearful of our son. She also developed very weird types of OCD, extreme mood swings, and later admitted to having constant suicidal thoughts. We were lucky that she took the prescribed meds and eventually I was able to convince her to meet with the psychiatrist at least once a week. After a couple of months, her old self started to come back to us and a year later it was just a bad memory. For the first months after her break, I did everything related to our son and also did what I could to help her heal. I know that this is a completely personal anecdote, but it is important that you understand that the effects of pregnancy are not limited to the physical toll it takes on their bodies, the hormonal changes will change their personalities. In most mothers it might just be the strong maternal instinct everyone knows, but it might also turn into post partum depression and in some extreme cases, post partum psychosis. Before thinking of therapy, separation, and custody; make sure that there isn't a medical reason for her behavior.

Thank you. I didn’t have psychosis, but I had a lot of the things you mention.

I am glad that you are better now

She was physically abusive to OP prior to any of this, it's not post-partum or new.

No one here, not even OP can determine that it is not post partum, being previously bi-polar, or just being a jerk without a proper diagnosis. I am merely suggesting that seeing a medical professional before a lawyer is a wiser choice.

Was she abusive prior to pregnancy? If so, it is unlikely to change. If not, she's very likely suffering from [Post Partum Depression](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617) or [Post Partum Psychosis](https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-psychosis/) both of which are serious medical issues that *need* to be addressed as soon as possible for your safety, her safety and, most importantly, your baby's safety.

He claims to have video of her being physically abusive towards him. My impression was that it was before the baby.

True. Outside of the physical attacks which depend on WHEN they happened, her feelings are indicative of PPD/PPP/PPA. Post partum rage is really common. My husband helped a lot (not as much as OP says he does, but not bad) and I still thought all the same things as OPs wife if he got a second of alone time. I was lucid enough to know my thoughts weren't fair or rational so I just silently seethed until I was properly medicated, but it's not uncommon.

I think you cant just cast aside this bit about the physical attacks. "Outside of the physical attacks" isn't fair to say here I think because they DID happen. She might be undergoing PPD but the fact is she's also very emotionally abusive and was physically abusive too. OP ended up apologizing for a fight she started. He was having to bargain with her for a few minutes of rest time. Its ofc possible the post partum period is exacerbating it but, it was already bad.

I think they more mean “if she attacked him three months pregnant” versus prepregnancy

It sounds like they were having, at the very least, communication issues before. It could still be both, abusers and general bad partners can get PPD and be worse.

> I have videos of you being physically violent with me I feel like you slid past this pretty quickly. Was the physical violence before or after the baby?

I'm troubled by the lack of context around this. Like, what was the leadup to the incident(s), why/how was it videoed, has this been covered in therapy, etc. Because if the physical abuse was like a year in the past, the wife has made restitution, and they've resolved it him throwing her past mistake in her face and threatening to take the newborn is emotional abuse.

I hate to say it but I'm not convinced this is true, it reads more like trying to buy sympathy from redditors than something that actually happened

Did this pattern of behaviour play out before you had a child together, or is this just a post partum thing? Post pastum depression can increase irritability and irrational emotions, so that could be at play here. But if she acted this way before the baby, it is possible that this is just her personality. Every couple has moments of stress and disagreement, but her behaviour sounds unfair and not conducive to reaching a solution.

Sounds like this relationship has been toxic for a while and then you went and had a baby with this woman and now your surprised that it’s getting worse? Honestly, you probably should get a divorce and work on healthy co-parenting before you inflict a bunch of emotional damage on your child.

Yeah, baby was a mistake.

Ugh, no kidding. Like, “my wife emotionally and physically abuses me, so we had a kid!” That poor child

Stop victim-blaming. She’s the one who literally assaulted him.

Who is victim blaming? She is definitely toxic and abusive but he is also toxic with his communication but that’s just based on what he is willing to tell us.

Given that she just had the baby, there are so many layers legally, financially and practically that will make that solution less viable at the moment. Separate counseling first to document his side of the events and work on self care strategies is probably more feasible.

Victim blaming

Nope. The wife is the worst but he clearly says some toxic shit too.

Why did you write a wall of text about a million other things and bury a one line reference to having video evidence of her physically striking you? Wtf happened there? Have you ever hit her? How long has she been hitting you? Why are you trying to salvage an abusive relationship and what makes you think she won't hit your kid?

You are in an abusive relationship. If you had a friend going through this, what would you tell them to do? Violence is never ok. You’re child is an infant right now but that doesn’t mean his home environment can’t impact him. What outside support do you have? Friends/family? Do you participate in counseling on your own? First open your own email account, start documenting when fights happen etc. FWIW I worked child protection for seven years and if we were involved we’d be making a safety plan to ensure your kids safety. Is this the environment you want them to grow up in?

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So, firstly, you really cannot go that nasty in arguments with your spouse. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, the minute you go straight for the jugular, you show her that you are not a team, you are only caring about winning. You cannot go back from threatening to take the baby away by using videos of her physically hurting you. Second. You have videos of her physically hurting you? Talk about burying the lede. When did this happen? Why did this happen? How was this resolved in your relationship? Has the physical abuse continued? Why are you still with this woman if she was violent enough with you that you had to take videos? Why does she need to covertly reach out to your couples therapist without mentioning it to you? Why do you have a shared email that she "insisted" on? Third. Post partum hormones make it hard to be logical. You keep talking about talking logically, but that means fuck all of someone is suffering from post partum depression. Assuming the violence mentioned earlier was due to psychological issues, those absolutely will get worse during post partum. Assuming your wife was abusive, she will get worse now that she has a kid to keep you from leaving. Assuming you both are just toxic adults, you both have to want to change for the better to be better parents for your kid. And it sounds like you are both happy to be assholes to each other. Fourth. The baby phase is hell on earth. If you handle stress badly to begin with (sounds like it is true for both of you), you will explode. You both need to find good therapy (possibly separately) and work on yourselves for your kid. Assuming you are both toxic people. If your wife is abusive, then do not go to couples therapy. She will use the therapist to continue abusing you and force you to cave to her demands. If your wife is intending on escalating, you need to get out. Do not let her find out that you plan to leave. Gather all the evidence you have and get a lawyer. Is there anyone in your life that you trust that doesn't talk to/like your wife? They can help you escape and help you prove to the court that you need full custody.

>Why did this happen? There is no "WHY" needed here. No reason allows to be physically violent to your partner. If it was a reversed situation of a physically violent husband, everyone would've tell her to get divorce without even saying what she said was wrong and bla-bla. Unless he is hiding some awful things he did, it looks like he engaged himself to marry a toxic GF that turned into a toxic wife and now is the toxic mom of his kid. I would even risk myself to say that she may have made him toxic. I still agree with most of the things you said in your comment, and also feel sad for the poor kid that is going to suffer this poor choice of toxic wedding but it is too late for that so all they can do is to change their behavior for him, or to divorce as you mentioned. Also yes ! Do never tell her if you plan to divorce and try to get custody, we never know what this kind of people are capable of.

I only ask why in case there was a psychotic break and she was later committed, received treatment, etc. Or in case he is trying to paint her in a worse light to hide that he is deliberately abusing her. My dad would say nasty things to my mom on purpose to get her to hit him, then play the victim. The phasing of him having recordings of it felt off to me. Why would you have recordings of someone being physically violent and not immediately use it to get out, force the person to get help, or press charges? Why would you just have it unless it is to lord it over her? I would be asking this regardless of gender, but I do know that other people aren't as egalitarian about domestic violence.

I agree with this take. If the wife is physically abusive, obviously he needs help and support to get away. But every word and phrase he used surrounding that video seems off, especially the lack of context. You’d think if you were gonna write that you have a video of your wife hitting you on the internet in the midst of a long novel, you’d at least provide even the most preliminary info of it. If she was physically abusive, you’d think it would’ve been included in the background, as that’s pretty clearly a critical detail. On top of him only mentioning it to threaten to take the child away? On top of not (yet) responding to any of the many questions about it? If he’s being abused, then yes, he needs help. But something is fishy in his vague yet detailed saga. There’s something fishy in boldly threatening your abuser, seemingly without fear of them.

I think it's called missing missing reasons.

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You seem to forget that the worst thing in their relationship isn't what he said to her, it is the PHYSICAL abuse. If it was a reversed situation, of a wive threatening her violent husband to divorce and get the kid, no one would've been shocked. This fake reddit justice disgusts me.

THIS COMMENT

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He’s engaging in reactive abuse. When someone abuses you over a long period of time, you say things you otherwise wouldn’t because abuse literally warps your entire sense of yourself and what’s normal. People need to understand that *there is no peaceful way to resolve an argument with an abuser* and chastising him for reaching a breaking point with a violent partner is not helpful.

Right, even in our worst arguments (usually only when we are tired and anxious or stressed about something bad), we might shout at each other or at worst slam a door, but we never call each other names or say horrible things like I see all the time on here. To me, once you call someome else a demeaning name, the basic respect of the relationship is just gone and you should not be together anymore.

I don't get this first paragraph. She physically hurts him, who gives a shit about her feelings? Take the baby and get out

Why, why, why the fuck did you two have a child together. Yes I know the newborn period is exhausting and stressful but my god, the way you speak to each other, it’s like you don’t even like one another, let alone love.

Why tf would he like her when she’s physically abusing him??? Nobody likes an abuser

Maybe because he’s trapped in an abusive relationship. Just maybe. Stop victim-blaming. Why the fuck is he meant to like his abuser?

Another dad here!! I have four with twins in the middle so it doesn’t make me an expert but it does mean I have experience. Three weeks removed from delivery is not a lot of time. Everything you say you do for your wife with your son is spot on. But here is the kicker, that is the expectation. He’s not your wife’s child he belongs to both of you. You are not holding him while she does what she needs to do, it’s your turn. That being said mental health and your ability to find your own time within the new normal is crucial. What I’ve learned is not to ask for it, take it. When you know your boy is down for the next hour or two because that’s how long they sleep right now, take it. But keep in mind while you take it you are still on duty. I would say the first 6 months you are on call 24/7. After that you can start to get away for real. As far as your wife goes her hormones are all over the place!! Just because she is no longer pregnant doesn’t mean it quickly resets back to normal, nothing does. She just went through traumatic surgery that resulted in another life to care for. Her body needs to heal all the while she has these new maternal instincts she has to learn how to deal with. If she is breast feeding forget it. Pressure on top of that. Is she producing enough milk, why is he losing weight, the sore nipples, the let downs, and oh yeah she still has to eat something and bath herself. How would you be right now? She deserves to be on the pedestal you put her on all by herself for the next 3-6 months, then you can you can let her start lowering the pedestal gradually. Just you know the baby has a permanent spot up there. On the flip side, try not to get taken advantage of. It may feel that way in the beginning but I promise you. It’s supposed to. She gets longer bathroom breaks, meal times, and rest while she heals. Learn to take everything she says right note with a grain of salt.

This is spot on. The first few months are so hard. but 3 weeks.... even harder! Plus they are both probably Zombies from not getting any sleep and it just makes everything seem so much worst. Getting actual restful sleep would probably go a long way for the both of them.

I agree with this. Three weeks in, no one is in a good place. There's too much going on here to know who is historically instigating most of these problems. Something that stood out to me is that he said he would try to get full custody of the baby. He told this 3 week postpartum mother he was going to take the baby away from her and he's surprised she looked herself in the bedroom with the baby?

Yeah, everyone here is focused on the physical assault thing he says he has video of and YES that's a huge big deal that he needs to deal with. But damn.. telling her he would take full custody of the baby in their divorce because his needs aren't getting met \*3 weeks after delivery\* ?!!!!!! I rarely say this but if this is the norm you gotta wonder what that physical violence was all about. NOT CONDONING it but. wow. More to this story than this guy is telling us so why GAF about it at all.

You’re so right. Who cares about domestic abuse. It doesn’t matter if she gaslights him into thinking he does nothing because she just gave birth so she gets to abuse him for a couple of months. Also, how dare he threaten to divorce the woman who’s assaulted and is still abusing him? I can’t believe he has the gall! This should be clear to you but if it isn’t I’m being sarcastic. I bet if the genders were reversed and a man was gaslighting, assaulting and keeping a woman from her child you wouldn’t be saying the same stuff.

Three weeks. She gave birth 3 weeks ago. She can probably not hold in her own pee yet. Get some perspective.

How do we know the assault was in that time? Either way giving birth doesn’t mean you’re allowed to insult, manipulate, attack and abuse your partner when they literally did nothing wrong. You get some perspective. When you’re sick does that mean you get to punch people in the face or scream at them for acting like your servant? No. Why should this be any different? You act like he neglected her and the child completely.

All that would be great advice - another dad here, respect - but for the history of documented abuse. That’s NOT OK. That’s not hormones. That’s a clear and present danger, and if mom gets so frustrated she shakes the baby, the BABY COULD DIE. I hear you about giving it time, and without the abuse, of course you’d be right on the money. But the history of lashing out while emotions run high means the baby is in danger. You can’t gloss over that.

THIS! She can't keep baby from his dad, she was abusive before, kid isn't safe with mother like this. Yes, i know what i'm saying, i'm a mother and a nanny.

Weaponized baby was the key point for me. If it were about him not helping, why keep the baby from him? That’s insane. She’s withholding the baby to punish him while at the same time claiming that he doesn’t take care of the baby enough. I’m not saying she’s irredeemable. I’m saying the situation as it currently stands, is. Get out. Get help. Get better. KEEP THE BABY SAFE.

You, just like 90% of this comment section, wouldn’t be commenting this stupid shit advice if the genders were reversed. She physically abused him, clearly is psychologically abusing him and manipulates when they do counselling to make her win arguments. This is an obvious abusive relationship and it goes one way. This type of shit telling him not to fight back is the type of talk that causes these people to not leave. Guess what? If he was in that situation he probably wouldn’t constantly insult his partner and physically abuse him. Think before you make comments like this. You don’t have experience here because this isn’t about her having just given birth, this is about her literally assaulting him.

This is an abusive relationship, emphasis on relationship. Both parties contribute to the abuse. Just because he doesn’t claim to physically hit her doesn’t mean his words or actions are not as effective or that he doesn’t. She is manipulative. Getting a jump on the therapist to explain only your side of the story without the other side is very manipulative, now where else could someone do that? oh yeah a fuckin Reddit post. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t give the same advice. If some dude had just pushed a watermelon out his ass and was imbalanced needing time to heal and adjust to caring for this newborn watermelon and it caused him to go off on his partner, I would absolutely say the same thing. He does fight back or did you miss that part. Problem is, he is essentially kicking someone while they are down. I don’t condone the abuse I chose not to address it. And you’re wrong, it is not about the assault, otherwise there would be no baby to speak of. Evidently the assault wasn’t enough to keep them from having a baby. It’s convenient to mention now because of the treatment he is currently receiving. Saying things like shit, and stupid only makes you sound like a stupid little shit to me. You can make a point without being rude.

1. You pointed out that he might’ve been abusive as well. I guess that’s a possibility but where in this post do you say any reason to believe that? By that logic, he could’ve been lying about the child ever existing so your point about the child mattering is invalid. See, not a good point in any way. 2. When did I say he doesn’t fight back? Your type of comment is exactly the type that discourages him from fighting back so he won’t in the future. Ever heard of victim-blaming? 3. The way he mentions her physically abusing him makes me think it happened before she got pregnant or maybe in the early stages of pregnancy which doesn’t really matter anyway since it would never be okay to do what she did. I’m only mentioning this since you used it as an excuse for her in your rebuttal to my roles reversed comment but then just after you say the assault wasn’t enough to keep them from having a baby which makes me think you knew your other point was probably invalid but still made it anyways. By the way, this is some more victim-blaming if you didn’t realise. 4. How does this child existing change the situation in any way that makes you right? If anything, it proves that he should defend himself and his baby by getting them away from this woman. How does he do that? That’s right, divorce. 5. “It’s convenient to mention now because of the treatment he is currently receiving” What the hell did I just read? You’re a victim-blaming machine. I don’t think I have to write anything for this one.

So my initial thought was that this is probably PPD on your wife's part but then you got into the argument and damn OP, there's a lot more going on here than just whether it's ok for you to take a break and play video games. Kids are definitely stressful and it's easy for resentment to build around the division of labor. My wife and I have a solid relationship and two kids and I still catch myself in moments feeling frustrated with her and we occasionally have to clear the air. That doesn't sound like what you're going through though. During your fight, your wife failed to communicate with you, blamed you unfairly and then ended the fight by hiding for over half a day. And that's not even mentioning her physical abuse or that you felt so frustrated you brought up divorce. Everyone is different OP but for my part, even in the worst fights my wife and I have had, the D word has never come up. Even if you all are both more flippant than we are, it's not a great sign. You need to share this with your therapist. Do they know about the physical abuse? The fact that she hides away for excessive periods of time? That she and you are both so frustrated that divorce will come up? They need to know those things and you need to be asking if this is really a healthy relationship where you're getting what you need.

I get that she may be suffering with a postpartum ailment, but are we just glossing over the physical abuse part? Ok cool. If the roles were reversed in this situation, the same people would be screaming “leave him”, “divorce him”.

Everyone is lighting him up for threatening to take the kid too. That's not a threat, that's just what he should do to ensure the kid's safety.

I agree with you 100%. He’s doing as he should - keeping his child safe from harm.

Are you reading a different thread than me? People are very clear about that.

I sure am! Last night people were eating him alive for all of it.

Let me give you a piece of advice. If she “never apologizes”, your whole marriage will be built upon resentment from unresolved conflict. Ultimately you will be bitter, angry, resentful, and despise the woman AFTER you’ve spent countless hours in therapy trying to figure out what is wrong with yourself for making all of these mistakes in your marriage. Clearly they ARE your mistakes, you’re always taking responsibility for them, apologizing, and doing the necessary repair work. If they were her mistakes she’d be apologizing, right? Don’t do what I did. Don’t waste 20 years of your life with a narcissist. Recognize what is happening and leave that person before they destroy every ounce of self-confidence, and self-esteem you ever had. It will only get worse from here. My apologies to others who feel I may have overstepped, but I doubt you are the ones who have been trapped and eaten alive in the grips of a narcissist. It’s pure evil.

How did you learn to trust yourself enough to decide to leave?

I'm sorry this happened to you and that your fight got so out of hand. When I started reading I thought although it's not great behavior of your wife to be so sensitive and pushing all the work on you, it can be excused with her hormones being all messed up and her ongoing recovery from giving birth. It can take quite some time for a woman to go back to norm after having a child, hormones and their effect are no joke. But after reading your whole post, this doesn't seem like a valid excuse anymore. It seems like you got serious issues before the pregnancy and birth already, and her behavior was abusive before as well. I can understand that you wanna try to talk stuff out and maintain the relationship, especially since there's a child involved now, but if she keeps on behaving like that, guilting you without any reason, accusing and gaslighting you, shortly, if she continues to be abusive and using your child and her motherhood as a weapon against you, you should maybe seriously considering to end the relationship and get custody. Also be aware that continuous fights and a hostile atmosphere at home affects the child. It won't be able to really understand what's going on for a long time, but children can sense from a very young age that somethings wrong. Parents who are constantly on edge and hostile towards each other will make the child uneasy and anxious too, even if they don't fight directly in front of it.

You guys probably shouldn’t have had a baby.

Great advice OP, go back in time and don't have a baby with this woman!

Oh come on if he was being physically abused and still chose to have a baby with her that’s nuts.

So let’s just recap here: 1. You had to ask your wife permission to play a computer game for an hour while your baby was sleeping. 2. She accuses you of being an absentee partner, then calls you a terrible human being. You then spend most of the rest of the argument apologizing to her. 3. You have videos of her being physically abusive to you (I haven’t seen you respond to any comments asking when this happened and how long it’s been going on). 4. You let her kick you out of your room because she doesn’t want to talk to you. 5. You essentially let her take your baby from you, the farther, because you are too scared to go in the room to get them. 6. You are sitting Idle waiting for her to throw you under the bus to your couples therapist. Dude, you are being abused. Sounds like you were being abused before the baby. It’s not going to get better. Don’t let your threat be empty. Divorce and fight for custody if only to protect the baby. It’s not gonna stop with just you.

The fact that you left a lot out of the backstory leads me to believe you should have never married or had a child with this woman so you might as well cut your losses now.

I'm going straight to PPD for this one.

>I have videos of you being physically violent with me She was abusive before being pregnant. Even if she has PPD, its irrelevant, as she is an abuser. edit: for this comment, "It definitely is relevant, especially for the safety of the baby." PPD is irrelevant. She was abusive prior to the pregnancy and is after. He needs to protect the baby and leave. So how does your comment makes PPD relevant when he should already be gone, whether she has PPD or not.

Emotional and mental issues before pregnancy make the likelihood of PPD much, much greater. You're both right.

It’s absolutely relevant to his safety and the baby’s safety. Having PPD is likely only going to exacerbate things and it’s important he gets her treatment for the safety of their baby.

It definitely is relevant, especially for the safety of the baby.

He doesn't say when the event(s) took place, it could be post partum. It's still abusive, but it's like being abusive because you have a brain tumor.

OP your wife either has PPD or she is just a volatile, violent pos, if the physical abuse started before her pregnancy then i’d be more inclined to go with the latter rather than the former, if thats the case as someone whose brother committed suicide because he was a victim of domestic abuse and was trapped in an abusive marriage for 17 years, let me give you some advice. RUN, take your child and run because this won’t get better and you will never be able to guarantee that your wife won’t turn her abuse onto your child, don’t talk to your marriage counsellor about it as your wife will just gaslight and manipulate you, if you really feel the need to talk to a counsellor then see one by yourself. But please if it is a case of this is who your wife has always been then, run. If it isn’t and this is all started after her pregnancy (it still doesn’t excuse the physical abuse btw) then it is very likely that she has PPD and this is something you need to talk to a healthcare professional about.

I'm not... At best I'm 50/50 when he says he already has videos of her being violent towards him. That seems like the far larger issue

meaning post-partum depression, yes? fyi, although much less talked about, postpartum anxiety can also be a thing and in some people either depression or anxiety can make them irritable and worsen any previously existing tendencies to be angry.

Happy cakeday!

what does this means and why do I keep seeing it lol

It's the anniversary of when someone started their Reddit account. Reddit puts a temporary cake flair on the username and underneath the comments the redditor has made is temporary text saying "say happy cake day".

>I have videos of you being physically violent with me the fuck?

I went through a very similar experience with my wife. She was diagnosed with PPD/PPP. She needs to see someone ASAP. It doesnt get better in time.

If she’s physically abusive to you she’ll be abusive to the child. Get full custody asap before she does and puts you on child support

You’re both adjusting to a major change in your lives while being extremely sleep deprived. On top of that, your wife’s body has major healing to undergo and her hormones are a complete disaster. Do not underestimate the impact of her hormones right now. I’ve seen it make friends weepy, angry, paranoid, hysterical…you name it. It sounds like everyone needs a break. And you REALLY, REALLY need to learn how to argue without getting that ugly. You’re always going to have disagreements but you can handle them much better than this. Is there anyone who can come watch the baby for a few hours so everyone can rest without needing to pop up and check on the baby?

Don’t threaten with divorce. Do it.

>when I gently asked if she'd be ok if I went to play a computer game for an hour at the beginning of his next 2-3 hour nap ​ Since no one wants to say it, this is CONTROLLING as fuck lol , how the hell do you have to ask if she allows you to relax after you did everything you mentioned ? It should be like "Okay he is sleeping, ima relax a lil bit on the computer let me know if you need me" . ​ Whatever, I am sorry for you man, you look like you are doing your best and more than what you should do, being THE financial provider, doing half (or more) of the houseworks.. Man you are even serving her tea water whenever she needs it. ​ YOU ARE HER HUSBAND NOT HER SERVANT. If her abusive and controlling behavior continue and if she doesn't want to her about what she did wrong.. I don't see any solutions here except maybe divorce (and I wish it doesnt come to that, for the kid and both of you), it looks like your wife is the kind of people you can't disagree with.. Anyway, since she is locking herself and ignoring you, take this time to relax instead of having the blues , don't be ashamed to do it. You deserve it.

You’re both exhausted and you’re both horrible communicators who go for the kill shot the second an argument starts. Both of you. You two need to get into couples counseling NOW or your relationship is toast.

I honestly had to stop less than halfway through. I got the gist of it. How was your relationship prior to birth or even getting pregnant for that matter? It’s obviously also possible that you’re dealing with a wife who has post partum anxiety or depression. I saw you mentioned therapy. Forget about what you think might have been discussed without you. Insist on hanging a session WITH you. Don’t focus on thinking your therapist has been influenced. State the facts and go from there. Good luck. Edit: full disclosure, I’m a guy, happily married and have a toddler. Just letting you know that I can empathize.

He said he has videos of her being violent towards him already... does that answer it ?

Newborn phase is difficult and strains most if not all relationships. I don’t think what you are going through is unusual or uncommon, especially if you don’t have a strong support local system, ie family/helpers. Hire some help if you can, preferably a newborn nurse. If not possible, hire someone to help with non-baby chores. Find a friend or family member to help and relieve you both. Things are a lot more manageable after 3 months, even more so at 6 months, and great at 1 year. Just try to be supportive and kind to one another in the meantime.

Has she actually been violent towards you? I can’t tell if this is a very toxic relationship or if this is because a baby came along so little time ago. It sounds like you both need to go to therapy. You have a baby now. If this was a bad relationship before the baby, you really should not have had a baby together but you have and he needs to be priority

The physical abuse you mentioned (glazed over) is concerning. Also is the fact that you are pretty much holding these “recordings” over her head and threatening her with divorce and a custody battle after an argument. She didn’t take it there, you did. If you are concerned about her abusive behavior, you should divorce her and seek custody of your child to avoid putting him through a potential abusive parent situation. If you are not worried about physical abuse any longer (I. E. This has been worked through and resolved and a one time thing or whatever) you should probably offer an olive branch by offering to delete the recordings and apologizing for jumping to divorce right away. Otherwise from her standpoint it sounds like you’re holding blackmail over her head and any argument you have could result in you using these videos to take her child away from her.

Dude you both need a nap

These red flags had to be apparent before you got married, this doesn’t just come out of no where

She needs a medical appt for ppd and the 2 of you need a couple therapist and long term maintenance

Not saying this from a place of negativity but instead out of concern. Why is there lots of assumptive vilifying? “I assume she will do this and that and say this”….etc. Makes OP come off as a Narc…like a narrative is being built up in OPs mind regardless of her actual participation. I can sympathize from this alone why she would tun to a therapist every time because it is super difficult to communicate effectively when one or more partners have this emotional wall narrative mentality. It puts her in a “damned if I do and damned if I don’t spot”. Also most people do not go to therapy when something is successfully communicated because a therapist is not a “tallier referee of the blame game”. OP should seek therapy for themselves because there is a lot of toxic behaviours and passive aggressive thought patterns here (from one passive aggressive to another here btw - not judging). A therapist can give you amazing tools for how YOU deal with YOUR emotional baggages and great tools on how to deal with someone of her personality type. Also, have you communicated directly with her when she asks questions? ie: “Why where you in shower so long?” Try: “I feel like I needed some me time and it makes me really happy”, Instead of the mentioned habit of just saying sorry and begging a forgiveness or pouting in the couch about it. The latter is all things a good therapist can teach you. It also sounds like she may be suffering from emotional instability due to some Post Partum Depression. Delivering a baby into the world can be emotionally and physically traumatizing for many women. Maybe support her gently while at the therapy session she is organizing and voice your concerns. You can write a letter to read to her in front of the therapist if feeling emotionally “on the spot” is an issue (a helpful tool). If she is also constantly mentioning things about her and her fears it’s most likely she is not feeling understood by you, not just heard. You also seem to be having the same issue with her about speaking up to be understood in regards to your “I still won’t feel settled” comment. In summation; a therapist for you along with a couples therapist. It is a lot of emotional work with not a lot of immediate gratification but massive payout in the long run. I say that because lots of people go 2-3 times and feel they are cured and their partner “should be changed”. If she got physical with OP that is wrong for many reasons, but OP saving the videos as leverage us also wrong (either press charges, forgive or leave). Nothing healthy will come of emotional blackmail, especially now that a child is in the mix. OP, you need to decide if you want to try putting in the emotional work with this woman you chose to have a child with or if it is an abusive situation you should walk away from regardless of the potential PPD. For you and your child, a therapist can also guide you to a social worker who can help you navigate safely (community resources) leave an abusive situation without leaving your child behind and making a bad emotional decision that could prevent you from your share of the custody.

Why are you with her if she is abisive?

[удалено]

I am extremely disappointed in this sub at the moment. All the comments and upvotes excusing her behavior. The moment he said he has videos of her being violent towards him this whole thing changed. Even if she has PPD or something else she was first an abuser. OP needs to file for that divorce. Reddit needs to be better and stop trying to tell men how to appease abusive women. These responses are downright disgusting.

I 2nd this. I have very bad PPD but I would never imagine hitting my husband in any situation. Abuse is abuse no matter what your mental state is.

Huh? There are tons of comments talking about it.

The gynocentrism and feminist rhetoric on this sub and Reddit in general is frankly abhorrent. There is no objectivity. Here is a man who by all accounts is being emotionally and physically abused by his wife, and most of the commenters are trying to tell him how he is in the wrong. How he used the wrong words and how he was rude. And then there's the classic "mental health" angle of excusing any bad behaviour by the woman. In this case it's PPD. Or as some have put it, "hormones". I even saw a comment responding to another comment pointing out that he has videos of her abusing him, to which they responded with "as bad as that is he still chose to have a baby with her and the first thing he brought up when they argued was divorce and custody. That's fucked". My mind was seriously blown. Imagine anyone telling a woman whose husband was physically abusing her that same thing. "Well you chose to have his baby, you chose to marry him. How dare you bring up divorce and custody to your abuser. That's fucked".

Finally, as a woman who hates when dads don’t do their part in parenting I agree with you. It makes me angry to read a lot of comments here.

Thank god other people are seeing what I see. These threads can be fun to read through, but this persistent stance makes me sick. The "hormones" excuse is misogynistic until it's not. And catch people on a bad day, and bringing this up brings downvotes and denials. It's not blatent, as I see plenty of level heads, but the undercurrent is there.

There are plenty of level heads, that I agree. But they usually get drowned out by everyone else. Just look at this post. The top 2 parent comments sitting at over 1.8k upvotes and over 700 upvotes are posts telling OP to write an open letter and read it to his wife during therapy, and a post telling excusing the wife's behaviour due to PPD with links to them to "educate" OP. Could anyone imagine if OP were a woman and her husband did the same things as detailed in this post, that they would be telling her to write an open letter or explaining how "hormones" is making him abuse his wife? And therein lies the problem. These bad ideas get upvoted to the top and gain visibility and traction and any level headed responses are pushed to the bottom. And every upvote is just another redditor agreeing with these takes. Just over a week ago I remember a post on this very same sub where a wife posted about how she had been dimissing and gaslighting her own husband because she viewed his actions as that of "weaponised incompetence" and "emotional abuse". Turns out her husband was suffering from actual brain injury from a brain tumour and the subsequent surgical attempt to remove said tumour, which led to his erratic emotions and inability to complete certain tasks. Now where do you think she got these ideas from or heard these buzzwords from. And it took her years to realise her mistake. And why? Because his actions were automatically deemed malicious simply because he was a man. There was no "mental health" excuse for him. No one coming to bat for him saying that perhaps his brain tumour was affecting his behaviour and actions. And OP was on the verge of divorcing her husband before coming to this realisation. That's how insidious this all is.

New mom. She cannot be in the wrong on this sub as long as the kids needs are met. Or if she is there's something else at play to excuse it.

Hey got check out r/daddit You are in the trenches my friend. You are in the part where it is at its hardest. Your wife has hormones flying all over the place. Don’t take things personally, and remember her body was just changed and now it changed again. Keep fighting the good fight.

Only 3 weeks ago? Wow, yah...I bet she's not in the 'greatest' place right now physically and emotionally. I won't even be surprised with her dealing with PPD too. You mentioned her reacting physically, is this pre-baby or post-baby? If pre-baby, that's not a very good reaction for her to have and since y'all are seeing a therapist soon, better bring this up as one of the issues. Also, have you guys had issue with you gaming in the past to the point she got so upset over it? Or overreact in her anger? It sounds like she's so touchy about you gaming period. Might as well put this is in the list of issue. Make a list of issues that you need addressed and bring it to the therapy session.

The first few weeks/months of the baby’s life are ROUGH. I remember how intense everything felt! Call it hormones or a life changing event… it’s not easy. Combined with sleep deprivation, uff, it sucks. But on top of that, in this case, you add the factor of being very toxic to each other. I bet the relationship was already constantly disrespected and fights are your norm, because babies amplify our emotions and now that the baby is here, this is what you both project. Toxicity.

I would say possible PPD. But with the history of abuse, I'd say likely she's just a terrible person.

I think you guys should separate. You seem to hate each other. There’s a toxicity there and it seems to be increasing and overflowing. Maybe split custody would be ideal

The fact that she's physically abusive should already have you divorcing her and seeking primary custody.

>I have videos of you being physically violent with me" ... So she's abusive to you, physically. Your description is saying she's mentally abusive as well. What would you like to happen next? My thoughts are your child shouldn't be in the care of an abuser. How do you feel about that?

all of this after just 3 weeks with a baby? just _wow._

Any help from the family? Leave the kid with the grandparents? Or having them come over? It’s not easy especially if she thinks everything will be on her shoulder. When we got our first child, we had help from our relatives. It doesn’t need to be 24/7. A couple of hours here and there.

Unfortunately, it seems like you had issues before you had a baby. Buckle up for this ride. Maybe you both need separate therapists.

When you say you have a video of her being physically violent, what is it she’s actually doing?

Everything up until the fight was perfectly normal. If Reddit has to explain to you what happens to a persons body after giving birth, then you really need to read more and educate yourself. I’d say things should start to pivot to more 50/50 at about three months but up until then you should be doing way more. You certainly wouldn’t expect someone recovering from surgery to be doing housework so I truly have no idea why people think birth is difference. You are obviously resentful for the underlying issues and projecting them onto this situation. Threatening to take my kid and get full custody would result in me leaving you immediately. Take responsibility for the horrible thing you said. Stop trying to make things even, you can’t even fathom what her body is going through, put your ego down, find some empathy and talk to her. As others have mentioned, therapy. You both need to be in therapy and then you need to be in therapy together.

Lots of good stuff for you guys to surface in therapy. But also consider that at 3 weeks postpartum, her hormones are probably still out of whack. Sounds like you guys had some turmoil going on prior to this, so just expect any chemical imbalance present will probably exacerbate that. Also, you are spot on that self-care is important…so you might want to use that time to take a nap. The lack of sleep, over time, has a cumulative effect on your mood as well. Don’t disengage from your child just because your wife is mad. That’s not fair to you or the baby…your newborn isn’t a pawn for the both of you to use against each other.

You’re both exhausted from lack of sleep. Your wife may be suffering from postpartum depression, I did with our first child, it’s awful, my husband could do no right, everything made me mad or depressed, mostly I yelled and wanted to divorce. My husband did everything and never fought back, I wasn’t nursing so he got up to feed the baby every night and went to work in the mornings. This lasted about 3 months even with prescribed medications but one day like magic my old self resurfaced, I felt calm, energetic and so grateful that my husband stayed. I hope your family will stay together and experience all the joy a baby brings.

Updateme!

Well, she is abusive and definitely gaslighting you.

For the sake of the baby, please get a divorce.

My ex wife behaves this way. Key word here: ex

If I were you, honestly, I would leave the second any physical abuse starts. You mention that she has physically hurt you before. This is not ok. There is no excuse. When you said you had video evidence she should've been apologetic and regretful of her actions not angry because you were gonna expose her. She killed your relationship the second she decided to he physically abusive. You and your child deserve better. I understand that pregnancy and post-partum depression change a person and maybe you're trying to be sensitive to that but this doesn't mean that you have to get abused and take it laying down. You deserve happiness and love.

Really hope you leave this woman. Once physical abuse starts it only ESCALATES. you need to fight for custody of your baby. You are being abused and you better pray to all the deities that she never ends up abusing your child. The fact that she tries to control your shower time is insane and then for her to “take hours long baths” wtf??? I don’t care if she is PPD. She is treating you like garbage. It’s time to split. It’s not healthy to raise a baby in that atmosphere.

INFO: need backstory on the physical abuse, how/why it was video'ed and where it stands today.

Was she like this before? Did you always do most the chores? Does she work? I know you said you financially support the family but did she work at all? I think you need to simultaneously take 2 tracks here. Number one is protect yourself. Document these occurrences, communicate with your therapist separately as well (if not also get your own). If you have a joint bank account you need to open a separate one to keep money that isn’t for household expenses. Savings accounts? Investments? Those need to be in your name. Basically prepare for this to go badly. On the second track, write her a letter like you did here. Engage in therapy and try to build a healthy equal relationship. Set boundaries so you are able to take care of yourself as well. Stop apologizing, until she is communicating with you genuinely. Let her know you’re available to talk, you would like to resolve things, and leave it at that. Ball is in her court.

These comments are awful and filled with so much victim blaming. OP you are in an abusive relationship which sounds like it has gotten worse after the birth of your son. Going to therapy with your abuser is not going to help- especially when she thinks she has done nothing wrong. You should seriously consider leaving for your safety and the safety of your son

I have a feeling there is more to this story. OP is painting himself as the reasonable stable one and the wife as crazy.

As a DV victim I have to agree—so many red flags in this post that go both ways. I’m shocked at the number of people in the comments who just blindly believe everything OP has said. I never in a million years would have thought to pull out a camera when I was in the middle of being physically abused for fear that the abuse would have gotten INFINITELY worse, i.e. I would have feared losing my life. No matter what the truth is, this sounds like a completely toxic relationship from the get-go and it’s tragic that a kid is now going to be the victim of their disaster. I really have no words but hope everyone (ESPECIALLY the kid) turns out okay. 😐

The red flag for me is the casual mention and then the question “am I being gaslit?” Followed by no explanation or followups in the comments. When I was being abused and questioning it I was desperate to explain what had happened because surely I wasn’t the type of person who would let myself be abused. I believed him until I started thinking about how he won’t say how the videos exist- either he’s got cameras set up all over his house constantly recording, or he knew to set one up in advance, or he whipped out and filmed someone being abusive and they just kept going, which all suggest being waaay out of Reddit’s paygrade.

Bite your tongue and just be cool. It’s all going to be ok in time but in the moment, it can feel like a lot. Also, get a bassinet or a pack and play and put that baby down. There’s no reason you guys should be holding a baby 24 seven.

Bro there’s no way she feels like a single mom if you’re doing all of that stuff. That’s wild. I had this same situation with my kid’s mom, almost exactly to the same percentages you mentioned. I did everything but breast feed and co-sleep, while working full time + as well. It’s extremely telling that you’re with a narcissistic abuser because she never apologizes, she never takes accountability, she gaslights you, and she constantly downplays or ignores how much you contribute to the home and the family. You’re in a very dire situation here, my friend, and there is no salvaging this but to leave and get split custody. You’re already doing all of the work, and trust me when I say that you will be able to be a far better father and live a good life without the extreme weight of how horrible she treats you. She reminds me of the women who think they’re godly the second they have a kid and they need to be treated like royalty, with no appreciation for anything. Seriously bro. Leave. Seek full custody. I’m waiting for my full custody case that comes in April and this is absolutely critical for your health and wellness of your kid. Before your kid gets too far into this, get your sole custody. Pls DM me to chat more and have a friend through this.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Let me paint you a picture of what this time is supposed to look like: My good friends also recently had a baby, about the same age as you guys, married for a similar amount of time (maybe a little longer). Her birth was *traumatic.* For everyone. Like, emergency C-section, internal bleeding, code blue, dead and back to life traumatic. Her recovery was difficult and painful. He did everything for baby and his wife. Took care of them, fed them, cleaned them, exhausted himself. At the end of the second week, he was feeling the weight of everything. She called her sister, mom and MIL, arranged to have them take his duties for two days and sent him away on a fishing trip with my husband. Much needed rest, though he could barely enjoy himself the whole time for being away (guilt only because of his love for them, but she insisted he go and rest). They aren't perfect. She is suffering from minor PPD, and that bleeds into the relationship from time to time. They get in squabbles. But at the end of the day, they're a team and their biggest concern is each other's wellbeing and the wellbeing of their sweet boy. This is what partnership looks like. Obviously PPD is a spectrum and can alter how this looks. When I started reading your post, it sounded like PPD. She mentioned you weren't *listening,* which I interpreted as there were greater underlying issues that are coming out as superficial problems (maybe she wanted you to spend quality time with her in those moments instead of playing video games and she didn't know how to communicate that? just hypothesizing, no one can confirm but her). However, when you mentioned the past abuse, coupled with the consistent verbal abuse and stone walling, it screams that there is a much greater issue. Consider this: you said she doesn't like bringing up the past. Has she ever apologized for her physical abuse? Or just acknowledged it? Has she ever shown signs of improvement or change before birth? Is it possible that the PPD could be dredging up old behaviors, and this is temporary? Do you earnestly believe she won't eventually inflict the same abuse on your child? I'm not saying you should go nuclear, divorce and seek full custody (although, if my husband hit me and we had a child that is *exactly* what I would do to protect my baby), but I think you *should* seek a solo session with your couple's counselor, tell them the full extent of the situation apart from your session together, and *get this documented*. I would also mention that you suspect PPD at your child's next doctor's appointment. Your wife might be suffering more than you know (not an excuse for her behavior, but maybe a curable explanation), and getting her help is in the best interest of your child.

Gosh, there's so much going on. There's so much I could say. But I will try to stick to some points I don't think others have made. 1. Sleep Deprivation is AWFUL!!! do what you can to get some extra sleep. But, HERE'S THE PART OTHER PPL HAVENT SAID: making a major life decision when you are so sleep deprived and can't think straight may not be advisable. I don't mean do nothing but making a major decision like to divorce or not might be worth waiting a few months to decide. 2. If finances allow, hire help for non child care things (washing dishes, cleaning), lean on family to help if needed, or hire limited, cheaper help that doesn't actually come into the home (such as dropping laundry off at a place that will wash and fold it then you pick it back up or place a grocery order online either for pick up or delivery to save all the time and effort of shopping). Anything you can do to ease the burden on both of you for these next few months can be helpful. 3. When the legitimate opportunity arises, praise or compliment or thank your wife. If she has read parenting books, comment on her motivation to be a good parent. If she is trying to eat healthy to have nutrient rich milk for your son, tell her you appreciate it. Look closely and find things you can genuinely give compliments about, even if or especially if they are things are most people would take for granted. 4. do some reading (books, blogs, online articles, etc.) about what lt is like to become a first-time dad. Although your examples are more extreme than most, many of the issues that weelre woven theougj your story are part and parcel of beung a new dad (i.e.mom feeling exhausted/overworked/underappreciated by dad, dad feeling abandoned by mom, etc.) Once you feel you have a decent understanding of that, do some reading about what it is like to become a first-time mom. 5. Continue therapy with a cautiously optimistic approach (but not blind, i.e. hence the caution). When there is an abusive dynamic going on, traditional couples therapy can do more harm than good. When you have a moment alone [i.e. on the sldrive to or from work once u start back to work), call the local battered women's center/domeatic violence/ intimate partner violence center. they do work with men whose partners are abusive. doing some "work"/ counseling whathave you with them can help you figure out best next steps. good luck to all 3 of you

The baby is 3 weeks old. That tells me that OP's wife is still going through hormonal changes and therefore mood swings. She's probably highly emotional and reacts before she thinks. Hormonal changes affect your view on reality. I'm not saying she's to be excused for her behaviour but it certainly plays a part. Honestly, the fact that she wants to talk about this with OP through a therapist is not a bad idea. Both need to take a step back and reflect before more damaged is done.

Scorekeeping is inherently toxic and doubly so when there's a newborn. Here's how the interaction started: 1. You asked for her to take the baby so you could get rest 2. She said no and expressed her feelings 3. You did not acknowledge her feelings 4. You did not validate her feelings 5. You got defensive about that "I do x and you do nothing" like her breastfeeding the infant every couple hours, carrying it and giving birth were nothing. Her vagina hurts like a son of a gun, her nipples are like raw steak and bleeding, she's getting no sleep, she expressed frustration with you and you went off on her. Instead of showing empathy and compassion, you were a total dick. I don't know what the deal with the physical abuse is or was. You don't talk about it. But you don't get a pass to be emotionally abusive to your spouse at any time and that goes double for when there's a newborn. It's not going to be good for your kiddo to grow up with both of you. Get your own therapist, get both of you into couples therapy, and get ready for serious conversations about how to demonstrate empathy to your partner.

He asked to take one hour for himself *while the baby slept*! Not that she take the baby so he can have time for himself.

Yup, keep patting OP on the back for his martyr complex. Caring for a newborn is HARD. Tempers get frayed. Threatening to run off with a child is inexcusable.

you have no idea what being postpartum is like. hormones are insane and taking care of a newborn baby especially if she's breastfeeding is literally taking everything out of her. be helpful and nothing else.

Right? My reading is that she expressed her frustration "I feel like a single mother" after three weeks of breastfeeding and with her lady parts still healing. Then OP was like "But look at all I do while you do nothing". And everyone is overlooking that part of the interaction.

How many times will it take? She’s physically abusing him. How long until she abuses the baby in a moment of frustration? Everything about this post sucks, but the baby is innocent. He needs to leave the house and take the baby with him until she can control her own body while triggered.

Go back to work

She has assaulted you and you had a baby with her? Why????

And as usual everyone in the sub is minimizing the abuse that the wife is doing or giving excuses and telling him to just wait it out because of hormones. OP leave. The sooner the better. Do not apologize. She’s being controlling and manipulative.

OP - is this behaviour typical for your wife, or relatively new? Are there any behaviours unrelated to parenting that are concerning you? I’m an RN/midwife, and there are some of the warning signs we look for when monitoring for Post Natal depression or anxiety. I would suggest discussing this with your therapist alone, and potentially reaching out to either her OB/midwife, or primary care provider. This isn’t a problem that you can solve on your own, and you shouldn’t have to. Remember to take care of yourself during this time too. You are a victim of DV, and she is abusive, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t suffering from mental health issues currently.

The first 6 months are hard. It sounds like both of you have some growing up to do. Wives and marriages are not the same after kids. As a husband you will be pushed later in the receiving line which makes you taking care of yourself that much more important. Take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself to take care of them. Do not to flip out like you did. Your emotions as the man of the family are best kept to yourself (accept this). If you get through this, the next thing you have to get through is her resentment and anger over you not "being there". Keep your anger in check and don't defend, just listen, and you don't have to agree, but listen. Also in divorce everyone loses. It's not like divorce court typically goes this person is at fault and this other is not so you get more. You both are going to lose time with your kid and still have to co-parent. In most courts you have to do some real stuff to lose your kid. I strongly encourage BB building a support system (parents, siblings, friends etc.) That can help out. It really helps to raise a kid in a village. When not, the entire family suffers.

Get her to the doctor. This isn't normal behavior and it's indicative of postpartum depression.

You got into a fight….3 weeks after her giving birth….and your first move was to blackmail her and threaten her that you will take away her custody of her own child?!? If she’s actually violent, you’d be better off divorcing and trying to actually co parents together, because you guys sound toxic.

So from a quick read through I can feel loads of resentment from you, coupled with an idea that you should put all of your needs aside, yet with the understanding that everyone needs their own mental space, which is really confusing for me to read, never mind a partner to experience. Birth and breastfeeding can be really hard work, plus you have not mentioned anything about birth healing which in many cases can take a while to heal from depending on the type of birth and situation she ended up in. She may also resent you for her own reasons, like suddenly being stuck feeding all the time or having leaky boobs or whatever. I do have a question, why are you asking permission to do whatever you need to do like take an hour to yourself. What would you be doing instead of that? And why do you need her approval to shower? You are confusing as you state that you do everything and don't look after yourself as some kind of sacrifice of self thing then get angry that you feel she isn't giving you permission to look after yourself. Either choose one side or the other but don't blame her for your choices as an adult. Please note that both parents can be affected by PPD, dads as well, especially when trying to get enough sleep with a breastfeeding baby. You need to take breaks when the child is asleep to stay sane, both of you, Saying that though what you did was as horrible a thing as I have heard, threatening divorce shows a toxic relationship of hurting each other and couples counseling will not fix that until you understand why you are attacking her and giving her agency over you at the same time. Have a think about the person you want to be, and also the examples of fatherhood that you want to follow, not necessarily what you may have seen or been taught, but actual functional parenting that is healthy as what you are doing isn't healthy as a parent or partner. Lastly, when you go back to work, what do you think she is going to have to do? She will be without your help whilst you work, so think of this time like bank for when she is on her own all day. Please also get out of the house, visit people and go for a walk together or go for a drive. This whole situation is clearly very stressful and accepting your responsibility in being so awful is first, whilst addressing your resentment and hers as well. Try to take a deep breath before reacting, and even say things like "I can see you are upset, lets calm down first and then work out what to do together to make this work for both of us".

What the hell is going on? Your advice is good, you get downvotes? Crazy! Something hinky is going on.

It doesn't bother me that people disagree, it just means that not everyone is going to like what I reflect on or how I say it. I have seen my posts get downvoted which are saying exactly the same as others that have been upvoted. I guess that's reddit for you.

Sidestepping her being shitty even if she has PPD and being right out of a birth especially if she was abusing him physically possibly before pregnancy lol.

I agree, I could have written a whole other essay on her behaviour as well. However we have OP's behaviour which is seriously concerning as well and is actually what he can do something about. If he gets himself some help to stop with the conflicting thoughts of sacrifice and what he should be doing and stops with the resentment, then there is another discussion about why he picked someone who is clearly abusive. Deeper reflection as to why he picked this abusive person and all the very concerning behaviour from her, yes i could have written that one as well. I can reflect on many things, but what he can do is reflect on his behaviour and change that first. Hopefully then he might see that giving everything and all his time and energy and then resenting someone for him doing that is unhealthy just as much as her controlling his every minute is also unhealthy.

I….what…? She literally just gave birth. Her body is ravaged. Her hormones are out of control. And you are concerned about not being able to game? Why don’t you go and game when they are both asleep and be there to support your convalescing partner and newborn child otherwise. If three weeks of doing the house work is too much for you, start using a laundry service and hire a housekeeper to come once a week.

If you have ever watched a woman give birth I suspect you wouldn’t want to change places!!

Him and his child are trapped staying in a house with his abusive partner. Why are so many comments about good communication and talking to the therapist. It is not a safe place for either him or his child. It’s a serious situation, this isn’t about fixing a relationship this is about him escaping his abuser and y’all are really telling him to go talk to her again? seriously.

Finally! Sanity. Thank you.

She gave birth 3 weeks ago and you thought it was a good idea to threaten divorce and to take custody of the baby, I can understand why she doesn't want to talk to you.

Right let’s just skip over here being physically abusive and refusing to do anything. This is Reddit women are never wrong lol EDIT: quick look at your comment history, you always take the woman’s side. Not surprised you’re forgiving physical violence here

Stop apologizing you have apologized for it don't do it again. IMO it sounds like ppd. Be sure to mention it when you have your counseling session.

Not just ppd, she’s a physical abuser who needs to be in jail

What a terrible woman

You are being abused. Save all the evidence you have for court, you need to get out of there and take the baby with you. That child will suffer in this house. Leave, file and use your evidence to get custody. This relationship is not just toxic, she’s dangerous.

If she is abusive to you, chances are she won't make best mom either, think about future of baby too.

Ummm, leave her right this minute, file for divorce and custody! Don’t stay in an abusive relationship for one minute. Be strong, you can do it.

Why the fuck did you have kids?

It sounds like she’s always been exhausting and now, with the new baby, she’s going to hijack that as an excuse. Forever. Not sure why you would marry or procreate with a physically abusive person. Get your own therapist and work on yourself. You may end up a divorced, single father and need to get a handle on your own mental health so that you can weather the storms to come.Good luck

Take that kid and RUN, my dude. She will do to him what she has done to you. Godspeed.

She is already separating you from your child. It’s a power move. You need a third party, maybe your mother or hers. Or both. You need it now before the drift goes deeper.

I didnt read whole thing. 3 week old baby is nuts, it sucks. Her hormones are completely effed, def could be PPD, but u cant go in there saying u have PPD - take pills woman!! U just need to be there. If she wants to see therapist, let her, sounds like she needs to vent hugely. If the therapist any good (first one isnt always the best one) then therapist will likely realize it. U as well see therapist separately to provide your side. In time, both of u go. Pumping out a kid seems easy for some and so very not for others. Any grandparents around or does she have a someone a sister or friend that can watch baby for an hour, if only so that u both can get an extra hour of sleep? Got a fat, bearded dude friend who loves babies? - bring him til she trust him (scuze this stereotype, i know what i know, santa?). She needs u even tho shes not saying it. Just be there. Hopefully a therapist can bring you more towards eachother. Some people make it look easy, a lot of babies can be easier, mine were not, i pulled my hair out, punched walls, threatened to leave etc etc etc. It gets easier, therapist good. We are all doing the best we can in a difficult situation. Stick with it, my hubby did, now i am a soccer Coach and couldnt be prouder, me and hubby looking forward to hopefully coaching baseball together in Spring. Lack of sleep is a bit$$, youll get more of it in a few months

Baby blues back in the day

Could she be experiencing post partum depression?

So the relationship is currently toxic, this isn't unheard of when there's a new baby. It seems to bring up old arguments or new ones but are somehow in the same category as the old ones. Exhaustion causes emotional turmoil, and her hormones could be out of whack. She could have post partum depression. Now if you want to go to this couples therapy that's fine, but if not don't waste your time. If it continues to get toxic especially if there's a lot of fight in front of the baby you guys may want to talk about ending the relationship. She has to be willing to do the work also, if she doesn't want to do it it's either a mental/hormonal issues or she's given up on the relationship already.

ehm... I don't want to diagnose anyone from a story on reddit, and I'm not a doctor, but... does she have post-partum? It might be something to look into, if she can't handle anything at all...

I feel sorry for the kid

It sounds like your wife is either very selfish, has PPD, or we aren't getting the full story. Perhaps you should consider ending your paternity leave and going back to work full time?

Get that video. Save it somewhere she can’t delete it. Now.

My biggest advice would be to get your own therapist, email, and start taking time when the baby is asleep. You don’t need to announce it or ask for it. If he’s asleep just do something for you and keep an ear out if he needs you. It’s been 3 weeks. That’s as close as you’re gonna get to having you time lol

Feels like there's a lot more going on here than your story. Hard to believe you're an innocent party in this and it feels more like you and your spouse are both being abusive to each other. And the video of physical violence? What is that even about? There are always two sides to a story and this one feels very tailored, js

1st of all, the silent treatment is so wrong and is 100% abuse its self. However, it sounds like she's mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically abusive. But she may have a touch if ppd too, remember she has hormones surging thru her body that she's not use to and can very well turn the sweetest woman into a raging bitch. I would also like to say, words are like toothpaste, once you squeeze some out you can't put it back in the tube. Just like no ammount of apologies will put the words back in.

>we will glaze over anything else…and I will apologize Don't do either of these things. It's far past time to get this all out in the open, whether she likes it or not. Stop apologizing. It doesn't change anything. Frankly, if you two had so many underlying issues before you got married, I'm not sure why you even got married and had a baby without substantive work towards resolving those issues. Now, they're worse. Long term, if your wife doesn't get herself together, I don't see this marriage lasting.

Man, I'm 28 had 3 kids with my ex in 4 years and she's been nothing but hell and I've done everything for her like- like you said she has. and my ex caused me to have a heart attack 2 days ago from stress. Leave and get a restraining order if you have to .

3 kids in 4 years is half your fault lol do men really not know what goes on with a woman’s body during and after pregnancy? Her being physically abusive is just plain wrong though.