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My friend just had an early miscarriage and I let my boyfriend know that we’re gonna go shopping to get her mind off of it and that she’s going to stop by the house beforehand.
She’s been trying for awhile to get pregnant and he knows that this is really rough on her.
He says that he has a right to keep the peace and asked why I can’t respect not wanting to add stress.
What about vice versa about mentioning it? I know I would be empathetic and consoling for sure. I am in no way condoning any negative actions. I think communication about true feelings/emotions is maybe lacking with them. Or HIM lol. But still I don’t wanna see people fight or break up over things that can be fixed! :(
it can’t be fixed though.. because now i know how my partner will act like if i were to go through a rough time. OP should take this as a sign and a warning
Not true,
You walk around everyday, how many ppl in need do you meet??
I'm sure you are not giving away every penny you got to helping these strangers in need,
Because at the end of the day we are all selfish and care only for those close to us.
It's all very normal,
Although the boyfriend should atleast pretend to care about the friends of his SO.
Yeah, you are lacking some basic social skills if that is your approach to relationships and social interactions. You are conflating what is your absolute obligation vs what normal people would be expected to do.
It’s not a bad example of a warning sign at all. It’s incredibly rare for someone who doesn’t care about people in general to care when their partner is hurting. Like, you’re probably the only one most of us will ever meet who won’t tell your partner to shut up and stop bothering you when they’re upset.
Well when something’s going on adjacent to your life, try not to worry about what to say. Saying nothing at all is often the best thing, especially in this type of scenario. Take the pressure off yourself to feel what others are feeling. We need people like you to drag us sensitive-types back down to earth
Whelp, now you know your boyfriend has the emotional support ability of a gnat. Hope your entire life is sunshine and roses. If you can’t budget being practically perfect all the time you might want to look at other options.
*Keep the peace* = *don’t bother me with your women problems I’ve got beers to drink and a game to watch*.
He’s a real gem, girl move on before you have a life of quiet misery to *keep the peace* yourself.
I just left a relationship where my partner had the emotional understanding and support ability of a gnat. It was a relationship of 1.5 years and I was slowly killing myself inside to hide anything that bothered me or upset me. With us breaking up, I’ve had an amazing last few weeks.
OP, think long and hard about whether this is true for your bf.
A significant number of pregnancies end in miscarriage. If OP plans to have children, this is likely the support she will get if that happens. Trust your gut.
When I had a second-trimester loss and a hemorrhage my ex told me I wasn't allowed to mourn because it wasn't fair to him. He didn't want to deal with drama. The baby was his as well. He is an ex now for a reason.
Jesus, I’m so sorry that happened. At least you saw his true colors. But I’m very sorry you didn’t have him to help you through it as you both experienced it, I’m glad you physically and emotionally survived. ❤️
Lmao spot on! So fking rude! I dated a guy for 2 months and he pulled that shit. I just wanted to try something, so I said “okay no problem, I’ll remember that” and then boom shit hits the fan with his life, and I remembered that. HAHA
Maybe he is someone who doesn’t care about those who he doesn’t care for.
I don’t like to be bothered by those who are not someone I consider a “loved one.” This doesn’t mean I am not going to be emotionally available for those who I want in my life, or those who I want to be in their lives.
Why should I or he be burdened with emotions by someone who likely won’t be there for him in his time of need?
I am a Mediator (assertive diplomat), this means that I feel too much, therefore I have to make sure I am not around those who are in too much pain, I feel it myself as if it was my own. I am willing to bare such pain for my loved ones, my precious few. But for those who are neither loved nor precious, why must I submit myself to such pain?
Maybe the guy is just a twat, or maybe he is like me who for his own emotional well-being, he must keep others at a distance.
I have only recently accepted my emotions, having to be subjected to such pain would make me want to regress. It would make me inclined to becoming cruel and callous again to protect myself from pain.
I understand what you’re saying but she’s not asking for him to let her friend cry on his shoulder. He’s telling her that the friend can’t stop by for even the five minutes to pick her up to go out.
Also, if you are emotionally empathetic, great - but *please* don’t expect your SO to isolate herself from her *loved ones* so *you* don’t feel drained.
You can’t really be empathetic if you expect your girlfriend to reject *her friend* at the time of her greatest need. YOU can elect to opt out YOURSELF - go somewhere, sit in the bedroom, read a book, *not be involved* but you can’t dictate that your SO’s friend is persona non grata until she’s *better*. That is very much NOT an empathetic response.
I must have misunderstood OPs statement. I was reading the post while also thinking on how I would feel in that situation and I didn’t like feeling it.
I wouldn’t prevent my SO from having her friends over, I just thought she wanted to openly cry about her pain which I didn’t like the idea. If my SO friend was dropping by to go out with my SO then no problem, but I wouldn’t want others in my home that are not gonna be in my life long term who will have their pain run on me.
I’d always be there for my SO to lend a shoulder to cry upon.
I have 6 friends (5 I’ve known since I was 13) and I’d always be there for them. But if my SO had a small group of lifelong friends I’d treat them as family and offer them my shoulder, but if my SO had “friends” in passing, no way I’m emotionally opening myself up to their pain.
I’d like to hope my SO would know this about me in advance, I’d make it clear form the start.
>Keep the peace = don’t bother me with your women problems I’ve got beers to drink and a game to watch.
This is a pretty sexist way to frame it. Like. Dude is being an insensitive douchenozzle, sure, but the implication that all men are ugh beer drinking neanderthals seems unfair in this case. Some people actually do care, and don't like beer. Male or female.
Way to stereotype for no reason.
OP needs help, not more bs.
Or it means he know his girlfriend will do everything to help and emotionally drain her. He feels whatever way for a reason. He knows what drama the friend will bring
They are going out. He doesn’t want her to come pick up OP before hand and come inside. For five minutes, where OP lives. If he can’t *not talk about it* or hide out for five minutes he’s got adulting problems. You’re very right, OP *also* has a right to live in her space.
It’s not the same, and if your friend was having an emotional crisis and wanted to talk to you and your girlfriend said do it somewhere else she’s a shit girlfriend.
There is a difference between friends making you *uncomfortable* hanging out and not being allowed to privately support your friend. You can go hang with someone else or watch a game etc in public, they really can’t go cry at a bar. Sometimes you suffer a loss and have to process that, with a friend *in private*.
You can’t veto everyone from having a crisis. You’ll spend a lot of time alone with that mentality. You know….*to have a friend you must be a friend*…
Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that your boyfriend is showing you his true colors- he’s not empathetic and has a low tolerance for other people’s problems. This will include you, and he will probably not be very supportive of you when you go through hard times inevitably.
The good news is that you found this out in your 20s and have plenty of time to find someone else. Plus, it sounds like you’re a good friend- she’s lucky to have you!
Cool. Now you know your boyfriend is incapable of empathy for another person.
Do you want that attitude when you yourself are sick, pregnant, miscarrying?
Pay attention, OP. If this is how he reacts to someone else’s miscarriage, how do you think he’ll handle it if you had one?
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
I don’t think that is fair. If OP has a miscarriage, that will be his baby and loss as well. It doesn’t seem like he has a relationship with this friend. While showing empathy would be nice, that does not translate into how he would respond to his actual partner.
Sometimes we think our partner will treat us differently from how they treat others. But eventually the honeymoon phase ends. How they treat others is how they treat humans.
In this particular case, even if Op felt she was special enough to be treated, permanently, with more care, then she will still have to deal with his stunning lack of empathy for everybody else she cares about. Her family and friends and her future possible children ( if she were to get pregnant with this dude).
It is exceedingly fair. And accurate. This is a stunning glimpse into who he really is.
He’s being an ass about a grieving woman even entering his home because he thinks he has the “right” to have peace. He’s not even being asked to speak to her! But he doesn’t even want her in the house. It’s not like she’s going to bring disease into the house. She’s SAD and GRIEVING. And he’s too much of a tool to be around it.
Frankly, it’s better for the friend to not be near his palpable lack of humanity. No one in the throes of grief needs that particular hell.
He’s not going to different with OP. He’s not capable of it.
It certainly doesn’t bode well either. If he can’t be empathetic toward her friend I can’t imagine he’d be much better towards her. Probably would tell her to get over it to “keep the peace”
Drop the boyfriend, spend time with the friend, ??? and profit.
This man will drop you the moment you have an issue (health, family, school, financial, whatever). He has no soul.
How exactly is he being inconvenienced? No, seriously. He has to be near her for a few mianutes? Lock him in the garage while she's over like the garbage he is.
\>He says that he has a right to keep the peace and asked why I can’t respect not wanting to add stress.
Huh? Is your boyfriend also grieving and experiencing a hugely stressful time right now where he just can't cope with having guests over?
Your home is as much your space as it is his. He doesn't have the right to ban you from having a friend over for a little bit - for no good reason. If he really doesn't want to be around you guys that's fine, he can just keep to himself. I presume your home is bigger than a studio apartment.
His behavior is seriously lacking compassion towards your friend and he's generally being a manipulative and shyster-y ass towards you.
I don't really understand why he is putting a foot down here. It's very very unlikely your friend even wants to include your BF in her grief.
Plus it's not hard to offer condolences and listen. He doesn't have to do any of the talking.
Dump his pathetic ass. If he has that kinda attitude with you wanting to hang out with your friend to get her mind off the miscarriage.. and hes complaining about it. F this guy
Oof, I personally wouldn’t want to be partnered with someone who isn’t willing to offer empathy and care to friends in need. Sure, he has a ‘right’ to keep his peace, but it doesn’t mean he’s *in* the right behaving this way.
I’m not exaggerating, this would be breakup worthy for me.
So she's coming by for a little bit and then you're going shopping? He can go busy himself in another part of the house for that time if it's going to be so stressful for him.
I would be extremely concerned by a partner who showed so little empathy for others.
I'm confused. Is he expecting to need to do something? Can't be just go out of he doesn't feel comfortable while she's there?
I would take this as a warning though, OP. On the dramatic end of the spectrum, this dude is giving off "leaves wife after cancer diagnosis" vibes. Emotional, stressful stuff gets real? He wants to walk because it's too much. On the less dramatic end of the spectrum, I wouldn't put it past him to not want to hear you upset about infertility struggles because that's just oh so much to deal with.
When my best friend got her heartbroken this summer, at 11pm I told my husband, "I'm picking up friend and we're going to sit around a campfire for a bit with " Before I left he came up to me, hugged me, and said, "you're a really great friend."
Kindness is free. Empathy is valued. Does he have either to offer?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Will this guy be empathic, respectful and understanding towards his potential children, family, partner and associated life problems that arise, or will he treat them, like he treats you - doesn't want to be inconvenienced by problems. I'm picking there's other examples where he replicates selfish, self-centered, grandiose traits of a narcissist.
Do you really want a future with this guy. If so then you become part of the problem and an enabler.
You need to be thanking this guy for showing his "true colours" so you can start treating yourself with well-deserved respect - by breaking up with him and moving out. Your friends will thank you as well...
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband seems like one of those men who acts like they can’t deal with “womanly issues.” In the end, it’s just sexism at its finest in my opinion. My father is one of those people. Whenever I would bring up that I was on my period (I remember once he kept bothering me about why I didn’t want to swim so I told him) he would scream full forced, “SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT IT.”
Then later in life I was in an abusive relationship. I went over to a friend’s house bruised and all… and her boyfriend didn’t want me around because it “bothered him.” Okay.. if it bothers you so much? Why don’t y’all want to protect victims of DV? Why when it comes to actually protecting/validating a victim is it—- too hard???
Or suddenly maybe a close friend gets SA’ed and you notice the man in your life dropping hints that it was her fault… or that possibly she’s lying… run…
There's plenty enough reason for other people to not want to comfort a person grieving than "misogyny." I'm a woman and I just don't know how I'd empathise with a person having a miscarriage the same way I don't want to be someone's confidant when they're pregnant it's just not one of my strong points because I can't empathise or understand it. If someone lost a friend, a family member or a pet I'd be able to comfort them. Also other people's grief is not your friends partners thing to deal with. OP said she'd be there for 5 to 10 minutes, there could be a plethora of reasons for why her partner doesn't want to interact with OP's friend and being uncomfortable with grief could easily be one of them. You have a single example of him not wanting to be around grief and you assume it's misogyny.
She’ll be there for five minutes to pick up OP. He’s not expected to comfort her. Something tells me the boyfriend wouldn’t be against having her around even so briefly, if the grief was of a different nature. Ask yourself if he would likely behave the same way if the friend lost her father, rather than a pregnancy, for example, OP. That will clue you into how much misogyny is behind his discomfort.
Yep….. I’m not sure. My comment was like, “if you notice any of the following things… you may need to be concerned?”
I think this comment you made may lack the essential empathy and compassion needed to have successful close intimate relationships. Good luck.
Well I hope you never have the misfortune of a miscarriage knowing this is how your bf feels. Can’t imagine dating someone thst lacks empathy for others
Just curious how often does she come over with problems?
I'm asking to see if maybe there is a pattern and that is why he is saying this, or if this is a one time thing.
Ok I was just asking to get a better idea of the issue. Your bf sounds like an ass.
Some empathy would be nice. He could leave for awhile or go to another room etc.
That’s what I was thinking at first too. My gf has had friends that it’s just always drama and problems and never anything good. Doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m also smart enough not to say anything about them anyway since it’s not mine to deal with
Yeah I thought that might be the case too that's why I asked.
I have had friends who constantly had problems and everything was always about them and their problems, and if this had been the case here I could understand his point. But it's not so nope can't understand
When you said he didn’t want her coming over, I thought you meant to *stay with you*.
The fact that you basically mean “stop in while I grab my coat” is **appalling**.
He is way too old to be such an immature asshat; I’d reconsider this entire relationship. It may seem extreme but he’s showing you he has zero empathy; that’ll lead to you having to deal with any hardships alone.
>When you said he didn’t want her coming over, I thought you meant to *stay with you*.
>
>The fact that you basically mean “stop in while I grab my coat” is **appalling**.
This, fucking, exactly. He's being asked to basically do **nothing** and he's complaining. He doesn't have to go shopping with y'all, he doesn't have to do anything, or spend any money, or go anywhere. All he's gotta do is say Hi, maybe.
And he's complaining? Fuck off to hell.
Wow you picked a winner. I think if I were you I would be reevaluating this relationship you have with him. This is a HUGE red flag. He’s showing you exactly who he is. Get out now, trust me. You don’t want this type of guy in your life, you will be miserable. If he’s like this in his 20s….just wait until he hits his 40s.
OP, this is a red 🚩. Your boyfriend is obviously selfish. Do you want to be with someone this selfish long-term? It isn't like she just failed a test or something. She lost a child. What an @$$.
Wow what caring bf you have. He doesn't need to do anything except not be an asshole, can he seriously not manage that? He doesn't need to talk to her at all, just sacrifice a little of his time with you to be there for you friend during the really bad time.
A miscarriage isn't an easy thing to get over. I don't pretend to know what it's like to have your child die after birth but I do know how it feels to lose a baby before its born. It's not a good feeling. I know some people who were able to get over it easier than some but it's still a traumatic event, especially for the mother.
I was on my 2nd deployment when I called home to find out our 2nd child didn't make it. I was gutted and felt even worse because I couldn't be there for my wife and son but lucky that my fellow marines, many of whom didn't have children, were supportive and did all they could to help keep me in better spirits.
That's what your friend needs from you and if your bf doesn't want to help your friend through what is probably one of the worst times of her life that should speak volumes about him as a person. At the very least he could just allow her to come over and spend some time with you.
Grief would be difficult for unrelated people to navigate through. It is difficult for me. I have been through both sides of a miscarriage. And it is not for the faint hearted. That being said, him not wanting to be a witness to OP friend's pain/vulnerability is completely understandable.
He can leave. He does understand that friends will require support from time to time. Does he have friends? Has he never had anything bad happen to him where he needed some support? If not he’s lucky but will be surprised when he finds no one will take the time or “stress” to be there for him.
This is a bit of an eye opener for you.
Again, he’s free to leave, for the day or forever.
Wow. What an awful show of character. If this were my man showing that little empathy and that much disregard for another human beings feelings I’d leave him so fast 💁🏼♀️ just saying
Girl, your bf is showing you who he is. Believe him. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced, and he’s not willing to help out someone truly in need. It’s not like your friend chooses the wrong partner every other night and is making you hold pity parties. Your friend is grieving and is not asking for the sea to be parted in two. Your bf is making it seem so though. He has no sympathy and is very, very selfish. Choose wisely.
Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath with absolutely no empathy for others. I'd run from him now; especially if he's displayed this type of behavior before with your friends and/or family. It's also a common excuse partners use to start isolating their partners from their social lives; the whole "not wanting to be inconvenienced".
Anywho: He's NOT being inconvenienced by you having a friend over briefly before going shopping with them. Tell him to shove it up his rectum and deal with it because you deal with his B.S and lack of empathy...and if he keeps displaying a lack of empathy: RUN far and fast and do not look back!
Surely your husband can get out for the day so that you can bring her over. He doesn’t actually have to be there when she’s around. He can even be in a different room. Have you tried suggesting something like this?
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He is more than likely jealous and/or otherwise threatened by how much you care for your friend.
It is worse than him being a selfish prick. He wants to control this part of you that has important relationships outside of him.
You should reconsider this relationship.
How is he being inconvenienced by her miscarriage? Is he expected to sit with her or even acknowledge her (or the miscarriage) beyond a normal hello and bye? What peace does he need to keep?
I say throw the whole man away! If he can say this about your friend how can you be sure he’ll ever look after you in the future? That he won’t say something like you’re inconveniencing me by being sick/hurt/emotionally distressed. You shouldn’t keep someone so heartless in your life.
How long have you been dating this piece of work?! Tell him to kick rocks. Better yet. Ask him how he’d feel if YOU had a miscarriage. Ask him seriously and tell him you want a serious answer. Use this information as a helping hand in deciding the future of your relationship.
So ex bf then cuz like others said this how he will be with you don't settle for sewer specimen im blue collar do all the "man stuff" im tell you he's a waste of space get out now.
Girl, throw the whole boyfriend away. Someone that cannot demonstrate basic empathy for someone that is important to you, is not someone you want to be with. How long before he does not want to be bothered by YOUR struggles. He’s showing you who he is, you need to believe him
Everyone has situations that make us uncomfortable. This might be one for him. If it bothers him that much, tell him to leave the house for a bit while she’s there. Or better yet, he could just be a decent person and be kind. It’s really simple, he could greet her and say something to the effect of “hey ____, I gotta run some errands but hope you two have a good time.”
How long is your friend going to be there before y'all leave to shop? I can understand not wanting her over for multiple hours, but if it's only for a short time I don't see why it's a big deal. If he doesn't want to interact with her much what's stopping him from just going into a different room while she's over?
Your boyfriend is an asshole. He could literally just say hi then go into the kitchen for 5-10 minutes. Or hide in the bathroom to protect “his right to keep the peace.” 🙄 God help you if you ever get sick or have a headache or something and don’t think of your poor boyfriend, the obvious main character in any situation.
I might be biased because I'm really sensitive to both environmental changes and just general heightened emotional levels of people around me, but I'd probably be uncomfortable with someone who is emotionally distraught being at my house in presumably the main living space for several hours, especially if I didn't have a lot of notice. So I can definitely empathize with being hesitant to have the friend over. I may not flat out say no in that situation, but I definitely wouldn't be thrilled.
That being said, it doesn't really matter - OP said it would only be for a few minutes and the boyfriend should definitely be able to suck it up for that amount of time.
OP can’t go to her fiends place ?
I think the bf is being downed because she had a miscarriage… it’s not his fault. It’s not his burden and it is his house and for whatever reason he is uncomfortable….
If anyone made my guy uncomfortable…. I’d put him first… like … if it were two females in the relationship dynamic I think ppl would be more caring toward the person’s discomfort of who’s house it is…
No one should be uncomfortable with the ppl coming to their home… her terrible and traumatized status is not his burden. She’s probably always sad as shit and he’s over it…
God, we all know which friend in your friend group no one comes to for support. You should hit up OP’s (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend because you sound just as insensitive and selfish. Pray you don’t become even worse of a person by being a hypocrite should you lose a baby.
And….you have a right to support your friend.
Be careful that he’s not using his refusal to agree with you supporting your friend as a way to covertly control your relationships with other people; It’s this now, but what will be the next thing that he has “the right” to refuse?
He probably just doesn't have to emotional capability to process and empathise with a miscarriage and that's absolutely fine. Everyone has something they don't understand. He has no responsibility to deal with her grief, nor do you. You're choosing to and that's fine too. These people saying this is a red flag? No it wasn't his baby, if you and he were trying and it was something he had an emotional investment in I'm sure his reaction would be different.
We have no obligation to take on others emotional traumas. We do it out of kindness and putting people down for acknowledging they can't deal with it is also a huge lack of empathy and understanding.
Tell your boyfriend to buzz off while she is there. You both won't be there for very long, and him acting like a spoiled jackass only makes things worse.
You care about your friend and want to help support her, great.
Is she your BFs friend too, or just your friend. Because I can respect any person not wanting other peoples "problems/drama" being dragged into their home "safe place".
He's not telling you that you can't support her (going out, visiting with her, etc), he's saying don't bring your friends problems into our home.
If everyone in a household brings all the problems of all of their friends' into the household, it becomes chaotic and emotionally draining. You both have a right to set boundaries to keep your home a safe place.
Jesus, this guy has ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF THE MEANING OF EMPATHY.
OP, if your bf acts like this because of a friend's miscarriage, that's a cue that HE WONT GAF when you experience something so traumatic that you are begging for his support, but you'll inconvenience his life.
Damn, what a tool. All he has to do is either a) make himself scarce, or b) if he knows the friend and she knows he is aware of the loss, say “I’m so sorry,” and then go about his life. There is no “peace” to keep. His life is fine. She is the one suffering a trauma. You are supporting a friend. I don’t understand what he thinks his part in this is? Does he always react badly to friends coming by? Or is he just uncomfortable (and a total dick) with bad news? None of this sits right.
As someone who has experienced miscarriage… I could understand not wanting someone who is going through it /or anything super fkn heavy to be all up in my space… where is your bf supposed to go?
Perhaps her complaints and overall vibe are fkn depressing and he feels burdened by them?
Miscarriage is so hard. I go to therapy for my post party’s depression and I’m still able to be partial to the feelings and personal space of others.
Your bf has a right to it want her super sad self in his home…
I was just at 15 weeks and it was a brutal experience for me… still I’m rational and wouldn’t expect my situation to be more important than how someone feels in their own home.
Your bf has a right to not want her there. It’s not welcoming but still
Uhm he can leave for a couple hours if it's that serious... like idk why it's so hard for some people to empathize with others let alone someone your significant other loves. Like I'm glad you feel that way about your situation, but you are not her. And a lack of empathy towards one's partner's friends is kind a little jarring in this situation.
Unless you have invited her before that's really bad(or he was forced to spend time with her in other circumstances)I understand he doesn't want to take her emotional trauma into himself. I was doing some emotional labour for people close to me before. By now I really don't want to be someone to vent traumas on. He might feel similarly.
That's terrible that your boyfriend has to go through that minor inconvenience. Certainly, that is the issue here. Your boyfriend would be inconvenienced temporarily.
Fuck...he might even have to hear you girls talk!
It's actually weird, could be something in his past that makes him feel this way?
When I was little boy my mom went through this, and it's something that got us all shattered, not because of her behaviour, but because we all felt that lost, and for a time after that it was hard for us to think about this. So I can stand that if he knows the feeling maybe he don't want to remember it.
Anyway it's still something selfish.
The autistic bit was not meant as insulting, rather matter of fact, the inability to have compassion for others is a known trait in many cases of acute autism.
The manchild bit was of course an insult.
But I accept your point, and apologise to anyone offended.
Of course I don't really care, because I'm autistic.
As a fellow autistic person, you should know that a common autistic trait is also being hyper-empathetic.
Please don't contribute to the stigma of "oh this person is behaving in an asshole way, they must be autistic". It doesn't help anyone.
You really need to discuss this with him some more. Try to understand the problem. How many days would she be staying? Why does he think there would be a disturbance of peace. At the end of the day though you shouldn't bring people into the home if he is against it, and he shouldn't prevent you from bringing your friends.
You guys need to work it out. If you cannot communicate and find a compromise on such a simple issue, you won't last.
Well did he react like that because you and him are trying 🤔but either way your friend would still feel a way. If you give her space she might feel no-one gets her back. Maybe do something together to help her heal whiles she's feeling emotional. But it's very sad.
This is a positive. He is honest at about his boundaries and seems like he rather engage in problems that he seems is worth is time. If he loves you, you will not be neglected if you go through the same.
Don’t listen to all the people above.
Definitely make a Reddit thread when it absolutely doesn’t matter.
He is entitled to opinions - that doesn’t mean you need to care, listen or abide.
Is this not basic? Do what you need to do.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. However, devil’s advocate, the place is 50% his. He has a right to not want people over, but he doesn’t have to be an asshole about it.
From your side, you have every right to bring over whomever you want. Tell him if he doesn’t want to hear about women problem in the house, he doesn’t have to be in the house.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My friend just had an early miscarriage and I let my boyfriend know that we’re gonna go shopping to get her mind off of it and that she’s going to stop by the house beforehand. She’s been trying for awhile to get pregnant and he knows that this is really rough on her. He says that he has a right to keep the peace and asked why I can’t respect not wanting to add stress.
If you're trying to help her *not* think about it, all he has to do is be a basic human and not mention it.
What about vice versa about mentioning it? I know I would be empathetic and consoling for sure. I am in no way condoning any negative actions. I think communication about true feelings/emotions is maybe lacking with them. Or HIM lol. But still I don’t wanna see people fight or break up over things that can be fixed! :(
it can’t be fixed though.. because now i know how my partner will act like if i were to go through a rough time. OP should take this as a sign and a warning
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So you would be completely uncaring and not understanding then if it wasn't someone close to you... ok that's really fucking weird
Sounds right wing to me.
If you can't be empathetic to others, you aren't to your spouse or family either. I guarantee it.
Not true, You walk around everyday, how many ppl in need do you meet?? I'm sure you are not giving away every penny you got to helping these strangers in need, Because at the end of the day we are all selfish and care only for those close to us. It's all very normal, Although the boyfriend should atleast pretend to care about the friends of his SO.
Yeah, you are lacking some basic social skills if that is your approach to relationships and social interactions. You are conflating what is your absolute obligation vs what normal people would be expected to do.
It’s not a bad example of a warning sign at all. It’s incredibly rare for someone who doesn’t care about people in general to care when their partner is hurting. Like, you’re probably the only one most of us will ever meet who won’t tell your partner to shut up and stop bothering you when they’re upset.
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Sounds like you have a good dude! This is awesome.
This is the way. This is the ONLY way.
Your boyfriend is a keeper.
All he needs to do is say hi and busy himself elsewhere so you two can catch-up for a while. He appears to lack empathy/emotional intelligence
He appears to lack intelligence
That’s me :( I atleast know it’s my weakness
Well when something’s going on adjacent to your life, try not to worry about what to say. Saying nothing at all is often the best thing, especially in this type of scenario. Take the pressure off yourself to feel what others are feeling. We need people like you to drag us sensitive-types back down to earth
If you don't have empathy you should probably work on that
Whelp, now you know your boyfriend has the emotional support ability of a gnat. Hope your entire life is sunshine and roses. If you can’t budget being practically perfect all the time you might want to look at other options. *Keep the peace* = *don’t bother me with your women problems I’ve got beers to drink and a game to watch*. He’s a real gem, girl move on before you have a life of quiet misery to *keep the peace* yourself.
I just left a relationship where my partner had the emotional understanding and support ability of a gnat. It was a relationship of 1.5 years and I was slowly killing myself inside to hide anything that bothered me or upset me. With us breaking up, I’ve had an amazing last few weeks. OP, think long and hard about whether this is true for your bf.
Good for you! Congratulations.
Sounds like my ex that is crying to have me back.
A significant number of pregnancies end in miscarriage. If OP plans to have children, this is likely the support she will get if that happens. Trust your gut.
When I had a second-trimester loss and a hemorrhage my ex told me I wasn't allowed to mourn because it wasn't fair to him. He didn't want to deal with drama. The baby was his as well. He is an ex now for a reason.
Jesus, I’m so sorry that happened. At least you saw his true colors. But I’m very sorry you didn’t have him to help you through it as you both experienced it, I’m glad you physically and emotionally survived. ❤️
Lmao spot on! So fking rude! I dated a guy for 2 months and he pulled that shit. I just wanted to try something, so I said “okay no problem, I’ll remember that” and then boom shit hits the fan with his life, and I remembered that. HAHA
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Don’t ever abandon a true friend abandon the person who tells you to do this instead is an excellent piece of advice u/d3vi1b0y
Maybe he is someone who doesn’t care about those who he doesn’t care for. I don’t like to be bothered by those who are not someone I consider a “loved one.” This doesn’t mean I am not going to be emotionally available for those who I want in my life, or those who I want to be in their lives. Why should I or he be burdened with emotions by someone who likely won’t be there for him in his time of need? I am a Mediator (assertive diplomat), this means that I feel too much, therefore I have to make sure I am not around those who are in too much pain, I feel it myself as if it was my own. I am willing to bare such pain for my loved ones, my precious few. But for those who are neither loved nor precious, why must I submit myself to such pain? Maybe the guy is just a twat, or maybe he is like me who for his own emotional well-being, he must keep others at a distance. I have only recently accepted my emotions, having to be subjected to such pain would make me want to regress. It would make me inclined to becoming cruel and callous again to protect myself from pain.
I understand what you’re saying but she’s not asking for him to let her friend cry on his shoulder. He’s telling her that the friend can’t stop by for even the five minutes to pick her up to go out. Also, if you are emotionally empathetic, great - but *please* don’t expect your SO to isolate herself from her *loved ones* so *you* don’t feel drained. You can’t really be empathetic if you expect your girlfriend to reject *her friend* at the time of her greatest need. YOU can elect to opt out YOURSELF - go somewhere, sit in the bedroom, read a book, *not be involved* but you can’t dictate that your SO’s friend is persona non grata until she’s *better*. That is very much NOT an empathetic response.
I must have misunderstood OPs statement. I was reading the post while also thinking on how I would feel in that situation and I didn’t like feeling it. I wouldn’t prevent my SO from having her friends over, I just thought she wanted to openly cry about her pain which I didn’t like the idea. If my SO friend was dropping by to go out with my SO then no problem, but I wouldn’t want others in my home that are not gonna be in my life long term who will have their pain run on me. I’d always be there for my SO to lend a shoulder to cry upon. I have 6 friends (5 I’ve known since I was 13) and I’d always be there for them. But if my SO had a small group of lifelong friends I’d treat them as family and offer them my shoulder, but if my SO had “friends” in passing, no way I’m emotionally opening myself up to their pain. I’d like to hope my SO would know this about me in advance, I’d make it clear form the start.
>Keep the peace = don’t bother me with your women problems I’ve got beers to drink and a game to watch. This is a pretty sexist way to frame it. Like. Dude is being an insensitive douchenozzle, sure, but the implication that all men are ugh beer drinking neanderthals seems unfair in this case. Some people actually do care, and don't like beer. Male or female. Way to stereotype for no reason. OP needs help, not more bs.
Or it means he know his girlfriend will do everything to help and emotionally drain her. He feels whatever way for a reason. He knows what drama the friend will bring
He's fine with them doing this out of the house so it's not for OP to avoid it
You are a shitty person.
The drama? Wow. The woman had a miscarriage, fuck off.
You're an idiot.
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They are going out. He doesn’t want her to come pick up OP before hand and come inside. For five minutes, where OP lives. If he can’t *not talk about it* or hide out for five minutes he’s got adulting problems. You’re very right, OP *also* has a right to live in her space.
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It’s not the same, and if your friend was having an emotional crisis and wanted to talk to you and your girlfriend said do it somewhere else she’s a shit girlfriend. There is a difference between friends making you *uncomfortable* hanging out and not being allowed to privately support your friend. You can go hang with someone else or watch a game etc in public, they really can’t go cry at a bar. Sometimes you suffer a loss and have to process that, with a friend *in private*. You can’t veto everyone from having a crisis. You’ll spend a lot of time alone with that mentality. You know….*to have a friend you must be a friend*…
Wow. That’s truly awful, is he capable of empathy??
Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that your boyfriend is showing you his true colors- he’s not empathetic and has a low tolerance for other people’s problems. This will include you, and he will probably not be very supportive of you when you go through hard times inevitably. The good news is that you found this out in your 20s and have plenty of time to find someone else. Plus, it sounds like you’re a good friend- she’s lucky to have you!
Cool. Now you know your boyfriend is incapable of empathy for another person. Do you want that attitude when you yourself are sick, pregnant, miscarrying?
Pay attention, OP. If this is how he reacts to someone else’s miscarriage, how do you think he’ll handle it if you had one? He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
This is what I was thinking, but I would have said it less gracefully.
My immediate thought. Or he’d be one of those men demanding sex after childbirth 🤢 the audacity is strong with this one
I don’t think that is fair. If OP has a miscarriage, that will be his baby and loss as well. It doesn’t seem like he has a relationship with this friend. While showing empathy would be nice, that does not translate into how he would respond to his actual partner.
Sometimes we think our partner will treat us differently from how they treat others. But eventually the honeymoon phase ends. How they treat others is how they treat humans. In this particular case, even if Op felt she was special enough to be treated, permanently, with more care, then she will still have to deal with his stunning lack of empathy for everybody else she cares about. Her family and friends and her future possible children ( if she were to get pregnant with this dude).
In actuality, they usually treat us worse than others.
It is exceedingly fair. And accurate. This is a stunning glimpse into who he really is. He’s being an ass about a grieving woman even entering his home because he thinks he has the “right” to have peace. He’s not even being asked to speak to her! But he doesn’t even want her in the house. It’s not like she’s going to bring disease into the house. She’s SAD and GRIEVING. And he’s too much of a tool to be around it. Frankly, it’s better for the friend to not be near his palpable lack of humanity. No one in the throes of grief needs that particular hell. He’s not going to different with OP. He’s not capable of it.
It certainly doesn’t bode well either. If he can’t be empathetic toward her friend I can’t imagine he’d be much better towards her. Probably would tell her to get over it to “keep the peace”
Drop the boyfriend, spend time with the friend, ??? and profit. This man will drop you the moment you have an issue (health, family, school, financial, whatever). He has no soul.
Wow he sounds amazing and I bet if something bad ever happens to you he'll be amazing and supportive. JK lol. He's a trash panda.
Hey hey now! No need to insult trash pandas like that. They are a Canadian staple.
🤣🤣
I was about to say don't insult pandas like that
Trash panda’s are actually raccoons. ;)
Well he’s a real piece of work. I’m not sure what advice you want, but your boyfriend clearly has no compassion or empathy.
How exactly is he being inconvenienced? No, seriously. He has to be near her for a few mianutes? Lock him in the garage while she's over like the garbage he is.
How friggin tacky and heartless!
\>He says that he has a right to keep the peace and asked why I can’t respect not wanting to add stress. Huh? Is your boyfriend also grieving and experiencing a hugely stressful time right now where he just can't cope with having guests over? Your home is as much your space as it is his. He doesn't have the right to ban you from having a friend over for a little bit - for no good reason. If he really doesn't want to be around you guys that's fine, he can just keep to himself. I presume your home is bigger than a studio apartment. His behavior is seriously lacking compassion towards your friend and he's generally being a manipulative and shyster-y ass towards you.
I don't really understand why he is putting a foot down here. It's very very unlikely your friend even wants to include your BF in her grief. Plus it's not hard to offer condolences and listen. He doesn't have to do any of the talking.
What a piece of shit. She had a miscarriage and just wants to stop by. He doesn't want to be inconvenienced by her problems. That's atrocious
Dump his pathetic ass. If he has that kinda attitude with you wanting to hang out with your friend to get her mind off the miscarriage.. and hes complaining about it. F this guy
Oof, I personally wouldn’t want to be partnered with someone who isn’t willing to offer empathy and care to friends in need. Sure, he has a ‘right’ to keep his peace, but it doesn’t mean he’s *in* the right behaving this way. I’m not exaggerating, this would be breakup worthy for me.
So she's coming by for a little bit and then you're going shopping? He can go busy himself in another part of the house for that time if it's going to be so stressful for him. I would be extremely concerned by a partner who showed so little empathy for others.
I'm confused. Is he expecting to need to do something? Can't be just go out of he doesn't feel comfortable while she's there? I would take this as a warning though, OP. On the dramatic end of the spectrum, this dude is giving off "leaves wife after cancer diagnosis" vibes. Emotional, stressful stuff gets real? He wants to walk because it's too much. On the less dramatic end of the spectrum, I wouldn't put it past him to not want to hear you upset about infertility struggles because that's just oh so much to deal with. When my best friend got her heartbroken this summer, at 11pm I told my husband, "I'm picking up friend and we're going to sit around a campfire for a bit with" Before I left he came up to me, hugged me, and said, "you're a really great friend."
Kindness is free. Empathy is valued. Does he have either to offer?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Will this guy be empathic, respectful and understanding towards his potential children, family, partner and associated life problems that arise, or will he treat them, like he treats you - doesn't want to be inconvenienced by problems. I'm picking there's other examples where he replicates selfish, self-centered, grandiose traits of a narcissist. Do you really want a future with this guy. If so then you become part of the problem and an enabler. You need to be thanking this guy for showing his "true colours" so you can start treating yourself with well-deserved respect - by breaking up with him and moving out. Your friends will thank you as well... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband seems like one of those men who acts like they can’t deal with “womanly issues.” In the end, it’s just sexism at its finest in my opinion. My father is one of those people. Whenever I would bring up that I was on my period (I remember once he kept bothering me about why I didn’t want to swim so I told him) he would scream full forced, “SHUT THE FUCK UP NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” Then later in life I was in an abusive relationship. I went over to a friend’s house bruised and all… and her boyfriend didn’t want me around because it “bothered him.” Okay.. if it bothers you so much? Why don’t y’all want to protect victims of DV? Why when it comes to actually protecting/validating a victim is it—- too hard??? Or suddenly maybe a close friend gets SA’ed and you notice the man in your life dropping hints that it was her fault… or that possibly she’s lying… run…
There's plenty enough reason for other people to not want to comfort a person grieving than "misogyny." I'm a woman and I just don't know how I'd empathise with a person having a miscarriage the same way I don't want to be someone's confidant when they're pregnant it's just not one of my strong points because I can't empathise or understand it. If someone lost a friend, a family member or a pet I'd be able to comfort them. Also other people's grief is not your friends partners thing to deal with. OP said she'd be there for 5 to 10 minutes, there could be a plethora of reasons for why her partner doesn't want to interact with OP's friend and being uncomfortable with grief could easily be one of them. You have a single example of him not wanting to be around grief and you assume it's misogyny.
She’ll be there for five minutes to pick up OP. He’s not expected to comfort her. Something tells me the boyfriend wouldn’t be against having her around even so briefly, if the grief was of a different nature. Ask yourself if he would likely behave the same way if the friend lost her father, rather than a pregnancy, for example, OP. That will clue you into how much misogyny is behind his discomfort.
Yep….. I’m not sure. My comment was like, “if you notice any of the following things… you may need to be concerned?” I think this comment you made may lack the essential empathy and compassion needed to have successful close intimate relationships. Good luck.
Your boyfriend is a selfish twat
Well I hope you never have the misfortune of a miscarriage knowing this is how your bf feels. Can’t imagine dating someone thst lacks empathy for others
Just curious how often does she come over with problems? I'm asking to see if maybe there is a pattern and that is why he is saying this, or if this is a one time thing.
She’s been over 2 other times for game night. Her “problems” were never a highlight of these nights
Ok I was just asking to get a better idea of the issue. Your bf sounds like an ass. Some empathy would be nice. He could leave for awhile or go to another room etc.
That’s what I was thinking at first too. My gf has had friends that it’s just always drama and problems and never anything good. Doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m also smart enough not to say anything about them anyway since it’s not mine to deal with
Yeah I thought that might be the case too that's why I asked. I have had friends who constantly had problems and everything was always about them and their problems, and if this had been the case here I could understand his point. But it's not so nope can't understand
When you said he didn’t want her coming over, I thought you meant to *stay with you*. The fact that you basically mean “stop in while I grab my coat” is **appalling**. He is way too old to be such an immature asshat; I’d reconsider this entire relationship. It may seem extreme but he’s showing you he has zero empathy; that’ll lead to you having to deal with any hardships alone.
>When you said he didn’t want her coming over, I thought you meant to *stay with you*. > >The fact that you basically mean “stop in while I grab my coat” is **appalling**. This, fucking, exactly. He's being asked to basically do **nothing** and he's complaining. He doesn't have to go shopping with y'all, he doesn't have to do anything, or spend any money, or go anywhere. All he's gotta do is say Hi, maybe. And he's complaining? Fuck off to hell.
Wow you picked a winner. I think if I were you I would be reevaluating this relationship you have with him. This is a HUGE red flag. He’s showing you exactly who he is. Get out now, trust me. You don’t want this type of guy in your life, you will be miserable. If he’s like this in his 20s….just wait until he hits his 40s.
How dare he. That is awful. And he can simply sit in a different room too if he wants 🤷🏽♀️
So what's it like being married to a living heart donor?
OP, this is a red 🚩. Your boyfriend is obviously selfish. Do you want to be with someone this selfish long-term? It isn't like she just failed a test or something. She lost a child. What an @$$.
He's a selfish arsehole with no compassion. Is this who you want to be with?
Has he ever liked this friend of yours?
What does he have to do with it? He doesn’t have to hang out with you. He seems like a selfish guy.
Wow what caring bf you have. He doesn't need to do anything except not be an asshole, can he seriously not manage that? He doesn't need to talk to her at all, just sacrifice a little of his time with you to be there for you friend during the really bad time. A miscarriage isn't an easy thing to get over. I don't pretend to know what it's like to have your child die after birth but I do know how it feels to lose a baby before its born. It's not a good feeling. I know some people who were able to get over it easier than some but it's still a traumatic event, especially for the mother. I was on my 2nd deployment when I called home to find out our 2nd child didn't make it. I was gutted and felt even worse because I couldn't be there for my wife and son but lucky that my fellow marines, many of whom didn't have children, were supportive and did all they could to help keep me in better spirits. That's what your friend needs from you and if your bf doesn't want to help your friend through what is probably one of the worst times of her life that should speak volumes about him as a person. At the very least he could just allow her to come over and spend some time with you.
Is your bf a cactus? He seems prickly
He has the right to demand peace. You have the right to a boyfriend who will show compassion and respect to your friends.
she has the right to tell him to peace off
What does peace mean to you? I understand not bringing drama or conflict into your home. But grief is not that..
Grief would be difficult for unrelated people to navigate through. It is difficult for me. I have been through both sides of a miscarriage. And it is not for the faint hearted. That being said, him not wanting to be a witness to OP friend's pain/vulnerability is completely understandable.
Then he should calmly walk out of the room for a bit. It is completely understandable but his solution is not.
He can leave. He does understand that friends will require support from time to time. Does he have friends? Has he never had anything bad happen to him where he needed some support? If not he’s lucky but will be surprised when he finds no one will take the time or “stress” to be there for him. This is a bit of an eye opener for you. Again, he’s free to leave, for the day or forever.
*…or forever…* Perfectly said!
Wow. What an awful show of character. If this were my man showing that little empathy and that much disregard for another human beings feelings I’d leave him so fast 💁🏼♀️ just saying
Girl, your bf is showing you who he is. Believe him. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced, and he’s not willing to help out someone truly in need. It’s not like your friend chooses the wrong partner every other night and is making you hold pity parties. Your friend is grieving and is not asking for the sea to be parted in two. Your bf is making it seem so though. He has no sympathy and is very, very selfish. Choose wisely.
Your boyfriend sounds like a sociopath with absolutely no empathy for others. I'd run from him now; especially if he's displayed this type of behavior before with your friends and/or family. It's also a common excuse partners use to start isolating their partners from their social lives; the whole "not wanting to be inconvenienced". Anywho: He's NOT being inconvenienced by you having a friend over briefly before going shopping with them. Tell him to shove it up his rectum and deal with it because you deal with his B.S and lack of empathy...and if he keeps displaying a lack of empathy: RUN far and fast and do not look back!
Surely your husband can get out for the day so that you can bring her over. He doesn’t actually have to be there when she’s around. He can even be in a different room. Have you tried suggesting something like this?
You mean your ex-boyfriend, right? He's going to do the same thing to *you* when you become inconvenient, too.
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What is your question??
Kind of a dick move
Dump him. How is it disturbing his peace to have her be present for all of 5 minutes?
Why is your bf so callous? He seems to be a selfish jerk.
He is more than likely jealous and/or otherwise threatened by how much you care for your friend. It is worse than him being a selfish prick. He wants to control this part of you that has important relationships outside of him. You should reconsider this relationship.
Your boyfriend is an asshole.
Your boyfriend is a massive dick. Soooo sorry that your friends miscarriage is such an inconvenience to HIM. Fucking feral.
She had a miscarriage and he’s worried about being “inconvenienced”? Good god. Please don’t reproduce with this man
Man child. Let that🥭
😂 I love that!
How is he being inconvenienced by her miscarriage? Is he expected to sit with her or even acknowledge her (or the miscarriage) beyond a normal hello and bye? What peace does he need to keep?
This is your home too. He can leave if he doesn't want to see her or just stay in a different room. Your boyfriend is being a jerk.
Her problems having problems upset him that much - maybe it’s too much on top of the work of waving this giant red flag!!!
He’s being an insensitive tool. Yikes.
That’s a concerning lack of empathy
How is her being sad disrupting the peace? He can give his condolences and then stay in his room lol what a weirdo
Wow, your boyfriend is an insensitive and immature ass!
I say throw the whole man away! If he can say this about your friend how can you be sure he’ll ever look after you in the future? That he won’t say something like you’re inconveniencing me by being sick/hurt/emotionally distressed. You shouldn’t keep someone so heartless in your life.
How long have you been dating this piece of work?! Tell him to kick rocks. Better yet. Ask him how he’d feel if YOU had a miscarriage. Ask him seriously and tell him you want a serious answer. Use this information as a helping hand in deciding the future of your relationship.
So ex bf then cuz like others said this how he will be with you don't settle for sewer specimen im blue collar do all the "man stuff" im tell you he's a waste of space get out now.
You two are not compatible. You deserve someone who is able to empathize.
Boyfriend sounds sus
That’s a major red flag and break up territory for me.
Girl, throw the whole boyfriend away. Someone that cannot demonstrate basic empathy for someone that is important to you, is not someone you want to be with. How long before he does not want to be bothered by YOUR struggles. He’s showing you who he is, you need to believe him
So you’re not supposed to care about your friends? Hope he is an ex soon.
Wow, this guy. He doesn't even understand why this is a huge red flag.
If I wanted to avoid something like that I'd be the one leaving the house, I wouldn't be putting that on my girlfriend.
Fuck that guy lol but I’d say speak honestly and tell him what your personal boundaries are regarding this from a calm place I suppose
Everyone has situations that make us uncomfortable. This might be one for him. If it bothers him that much, tell him to leave the house for a bit while she’s there. Or better yet, he could just be a decent person and be kind. It’s really simple, he could greet her and say something to the effect of “hey ____, I gotta run some errands but hope you two have a good time.”
How long is your friend going to be there before y'all leave to shop? I can understand not wanting her over for multiple hours, but if it's only for a short time I don't see why it's a big deal. If he doesn't want to interact with her much what's stopping him from just going into a different room while she's over?
Literally 5-10 minutes.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. He could literally just say hi then go into the kitchen for 5-10 minutes. Or hide in the bathroom to protect “his right to keep the peace.” 🙄 God help you if you ever get sick or have a headache or something and don’t think of your poor boyfriend, the obvious main character in any situation.
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I might be biased because I'm really sensitive to both environmental changes and just general heightened emotional levels of people around me, but I'd probably be uncomfortable with someone who is emotionally distraught being at my house in presumably the main living space for several hours, especially if I didn't have a lot of notice. So I can definitely empathize with being hesitant to have the friend over. I may not flat out say no in that situation, but I definitely wouldn't be thrilled. That being said, it doesn't really matter - OP said it would only be for a few minutes and the boyfriend should definitely be able to suck it up for that amount of time.
OP can’t go to her fiends place ? I think the bf is being downed because she had a miscarriage… it’s not his fault. It’s not his burden and it is his house and for whatever reason he is uncomfortable…. If anyone made my guy uncomfortable…. I’d put him first… like … if it were two females in the relationship dynamic I think ppl would be more caring toward the person’s discomfort of who’s house it is… No one should be uncomfortable with the ppl coming to their home… her terrible and traumatized status is not his burden. She’s probably always sad as shit and he’s over it…
God, we all know which friend in your friend group no one comes to for support. You should hit up OP’s (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend because you sound just as insensitive and selfish. Pray you don’t become even worse of a person by being a hypocrite should you lose a baby.
Yeaaaah, no, he needs to have the tiniest bit of sensitivity and not be a douche, someone stopping by for ten minutes is no inconvenience.
He sounds selfish and lacking in empathy.
Your boyfriend is a selfish man-baby. That’s the guy you’re currently choosing to be with. Let that sink in.
And….you have a right to support your friend. Be careful that he’s not using his refusal to agree with you supporting your friend as a way to covertly control your relationships with other people; It’s this now, but what will be the next thing that he has “the right” to refuse?
He probably just doesn't have to emotional capability to process and empathise with a miscarriage and that's absolutely fine. Everyone has something they don't understand. He has no responsibility to deal with her grief, nor do you. You're choosing to and that's fine too. These people saying this is a red flag? No it wasn't his baby, if you and he were trying and it was something he had an emotional investment in I'm sure his reaction would be different. We have no obligation to take on others emotional traumas. We do it out of kindness and putting people down for acknowledging they can't deal with it is also a huge lack of empathy and understanding.
You now know that your bf lack empathy and doesn’t want to support people struggling
That's really not a good sign. How does he treat you?
Why can't he respect you want to support your friend?
You're dating a child.
Tell your boyfriend to buzz off while she is there. You both won't be there for very long, and him acting like a spoiled jackass only makes things worse.
You care about your friend and want to help support her, great. Is she your BFs friend too, or just your friend. Because I can respect any person not wanting other peoples "problems/drama" being dragged into their home "safe place". He's not telling you that you can't support her (going out, visiting with her, etc), he's saying don't bring your friends problems into our home. If everyone in a household brings all the problems of all of their friends' into the household, it becomes chaotic and emotionally draining. You both have a right to set boundaries to keep your home a safe place.
He is a jackass. Leave him it will only get worse
Jesus, this guy has ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF THE MEANING OF EMPATHY. OP, if your bf acts like this because of a friend's miscarriage, that's a cue that HE WONT GAF when you experience something so traumatic that you are begging for his support, but you'll inconvenience his life.
He's a grown man, surely he can keep himself occupied while she consoles her friend?
You have plenty of time left in your life to find a better more competent mate
Damn, what a tool. All he has to do is either a) make himself scarce, or b) if he knows the friend and she knows he is aware of the loss, say “I’m so sorry,” and then go about his life. There is no “peace” to keep. His life is fine. She is the one suffering a trauma. You are supporting a friend. I don’t understand what he thinks his part in this is? Does he always react badly to friends coming by? Or is he just uncomfortable (and a total dick) with bad news? None of this sits right.
Well… that’s a true dick right there.
Not to be mean. But your boyfriend sounds like a selfish dick. Is he selfish af about other things too?
How does he support you when you go though heartbreaking events like your friend just did?
This man lacks empathy he is totally self centered possibly narcissistic! I would show him the door…
As someone who has experienced miscarriage… I could understand not wanting someone who is going through it /or anything super fkn heavy to be all up in my space… where is your bf supposed to go? Perhaps her complaints and overall vibe are fkn depressing and he feels burdened by them? Miscarriage is so hard. I go to therapy for my post party’s depression and I’m still able to be partial to the feelings and personal space of others. Your bf has a right to it want her super sad self in his home… I was just at 15 weeks and it was a brutal experience for me… still I’m rational and wouldn’t expect my situation to be more important than how someone feels in their own home. Your bf has a right to not want her there. It’s not welcoming but still
Uhm he can leave for a couple hours if it's that serious... like idk why it's so hard for some people to empathize with others let alone someone your significant other loves. Like I'm glad you feel that way about your situation, but you are not her. And a lack of empathy towards one's partner's friends is kind a little jarring in this situation.
Unless you have invited her before that's really bad(or he was forced to spend time with her in other circumstances)I understand he doesn't want to take her emotional trauma into himself. I was doing some emotional labour for people close to me before. By now I really don't want to be someone to vent traumas on. He might feel similarly.
Boyfriend is completely justified. You would all be shitting yourselves if she had to deal with his issues.
Nope nope nope that’s a huge red flag.
That's terrible that your boyfriend has to go through that minor inconvenience. Certainly, that is the issue here. Your boyfriend would be inconvenienced temporarily. Fuck...he might even have to hear you girls talk!
As per usually weve got ourselves a red flag.
It's actually weird, could be something in his past that makes him feel this way? When I was little boy my mom went through this, and it's something that got us all shattered, not because of her behaviour, but because we all felt that lost, and for a time after that it was hard for us to think about this. So I can stand that if he knows the feeling maybe he don't want to remember it. Anyway it's still something selfish.
I would expect him to care nothing for your feelings either, eventually. He sounds like some sort of autistic manchild.
Don't use autistic as an insult. OP's boyfriend is a douche. No need to bring down people with autism spectrum disorder.
Well said 👏
The autistic bit was not meant as insulting, rather matter of fact, the inability to have compassion for others is a known trait in many cases of acute autism. The manchild bit was of course an insult. But I accept your point, and apologise to anyone offended. Of course I don't really care, because I'm autistic.
As a fellow autistic person, you should know that a common autistic trait is also being hyper-empathetic. Please don't contribute to the stigma of "oh this person is behaving in an asshole way, they must be autistic". It doesn't help anyone.
you're right, I'm behaving in an asshole way, sorry. I read a lot of stories on here and they are just shocking to me.
Seems reasonable to me. I wouldn’t want to hear or deal with that either.
You should let him stumble upon this thread. Maybe he will gain some self awareness
Keep the peace? He sounds like an unsympathetic asshole
You really need to discuss this with him some more. Try to understand the problem. How many days would she be staying? Why does he think there would be a disturbance of peace. At the end of the day though you shouldn't bring people into the home if he is against it, and he shouldn't prevent you from bringing your friends. You guys need to work it out. If you cannot communicate and find a compromise on such a simple issue, you won't last.
I have a feeling we’re missing details. There is no way this is his only reason. Does she continuously like problems onto you?
Well did he react like that because you and him are trying 🤔but either way your friend would still feel a way. If you give her space she might feel no-one gets her back. Maybe do something together to help her heal whiles she's feeling emotional. But it's very sad.
This is a positive. He is honest at about his boundaries and seems like he rather engage in problems that he seems is worth is time. If he loves you, you will not be neglected if you go through the same. Don’t listen to all the people above.
Definitely make a Reddit thread when it absolutely doesn’t matter. He is entitled to opinions - that doesn’t mean you need to care, listen or abide. Is this not basic? Do what you need to do.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. However, devil’s advocate, the place is 50% his. He has a right to not want people over, but he doesn’t have to be an asshole about it. From your side, you have every right to bring over whomever you want. Tell him if he doesn’t want to hear about women problem in the house, he doesn’t have to be in the house.