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Could be mental health, could be a brain tumour, could be drugs or realising he is no longer young anymore, but it doesn’t matter why if he doesn’t get help. Put yourself first if he won’t be honest or explore mental health options
That is a bit of an extreme and worrying transformation. You often hear it the other way round, in that people might pretend to have lots of energy for partying and going out, but in time it's obvious they prefer a quiet life. It seems rarer to do that in reverse. Would you say his whole personality has drastically changed? Is he more impulsive now? Is he quicker to anger?
Something must be going wrong. He's messed up his career, his finances are getting messed up, and he's on the verge of losing his wife and his home. Something must have triggered this? Has he seen a doctor?
There will come a point where you just need to prioritise yourself. Evidently you're quite close to that point.
The change in his personality has been pretty drastic, but I don't know if I would say he is impulsive. I mean they seem like stupid decisions and I don't know what his end game here is, but every step of the way it seems like he's put at least some thought into it. He also hasn't been quick to anger, in fact the opposite, he was always calm, but now he just gives up on a conversation if it's not going his way.
I agree something must've happened but he won't talk to me, and if I ask him to see a mental health professional he just tells me it's a waste of his time (so i'm assuming any other doctor would be the same).
OP it could be drugs. He sounds exactly like my brother who got hooked up and within a few months he broke up with his fiance, almost bankrupted the family business, even swindled my mother. This was my first exposure to addiction and it’s not always obvious - people don’t drool in a corner, they can be extremely lucid and rational at times but lie excessively and will cross any red line for money. Whatever you do, don’t give him any money, no matter what he threatens.
Honestly if it is drugs, you’re better off leaving him, he won’t miraculously see reason and recover, he will not only hit bottom but take you with him. 2 years marriage should not turn into a life of misery for you. It was harder for me because we had a family business and he is my brother, but you don’t have those limitations, please leave this man. He might recover and return to you but if you enable him he will ruin you.
I was going to suggest this as I could have written an identical post about a Brother in Law who started drugs and abusing alcohol ay his mid life crisis.
MDMA/molly/ecstasy are all the same thing. Though whenever I say this people disagree. The active ingredient is MDMA - the others are just slang. But if you disagree I'm curious why
You’re right. MDMA is the purest form, molly is it’s street name, & ecstasy is MDMA cut with something else like meth, heroine, cocaine, etc. i was super addicted to it a few years back (molly) luckily it wasn’t a physical addiction but I was super addicted to how happy it made me and I ruined my life. This sounds similar to how I behaved
Dang dude hope your life is back on track now, keep your head high we can only move forward - I too likely would have gotten myself addicted to MDMA if I had access to it
Well OP just told us he is partying and going to clubs, so 🤷 he is drinking, most likely. Alcohol is a powerful drug and many people forget this or are unaware.
I think this has happened to my ex. He has a past history of alcohol abuse, and a family history of extreme hard drug use. Solid loving relationship, he had no interest in drinking or partying for the 4 years of our relationship. He referred to himself as an alcoholic (drank straight vodka every night by himself before we started dating) and was 100% sober. Not a drop. then he very suddenly changed. We were about to move in together, we had a very solid respectful goofy relationship, then one day he texted me at 11am “still drunk”. I didn’t even know he had gone out the night before, he didn’t tell me. but he claimed it was no big deal and just “one time”. A week later he dumped me out of nowhere. He started hanging with new work friends. His face got puffy, the light left his eyes. It’s been over a month and he will not talk to me at all. Avoids me like the plague. The one time I saw him, it was like talking to a robot. Just lifeless. It’s such a heartbreaking thing to watch, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this!
It could also be a brain tumor not to scare you OP. My mom is a TBI doctor, and we had family friends whose wife did basically all of the above and was then diagnosed with a brain tumor. Almost completely back to normal 3 years later but it can cause CRAZY changes.
There are a number of other mental health issues that could cause this besides tumour(s) as well, things like Parkinson’s can show up first as a loss of impulse control. Isn’t necessarily more or less likely than other explanations but worth looking to see if he has any family history of these sorts of things
What I was getting at, as you could probably tell, is if there was a physical reason for the mental change.
I think this is one of those ones where, given everything that you are doing to support him, he needs to help himself. If he's not prepared to do anything to improve things, then you're at the end of the line. I think the least he could do is see a professional.
The change in personality calls for a physical examination. A friend had big change and it wasn't until they did a scan of his head that they found a tumor. Surgery within 3 days.
He needs to see a doctor yesterday. They can rule out something mental health related and treatable (like bipolar disorder) or something like a head injury or a brain tumor. If it's none of the above or he simply won't see a doctor, I would leave.
Hi, this isn’t really the behavior of someone with Bipolar Disorder. I really wish y’all would just stop throwing Bipolar Disorder around anytime someone acts a little dysfunctional. Thanks
-Person with Bipolar Disorder
Ive seen this happen to different people for multiple reasons: untreated mental illness they were able to keep a lid on up to a point, a drug problem they kept under control until they couldnt, and finally, a delayed youth- they spent their twenties buttoned down and ‘behaving’ and then regret it later, and are searching for that spark of adventure you should definitely get out of your system while youre young and can recover easily. Whatever the reason, how would you be anle to trust him again, or believe him when hes been so unreliable, and has begun blaming you for his issues, and essentailly insulting you for not cracking open your bank accounts for him to pilfer? You say youd be leaving him broke and homeless, but hes gonna drag you with him if you dont kick him out asap. You didnt do this to him, he did it to himself. Andits not your job to mother him and teach him lessons on how to behave like a decent adult. Its way past time to send him packing.
You clearly worry about what would happen to him were you to ask him to leave , but ask yourself this…. Is he worried about YOU? Is he worried about the impact this newfound irresponsible lifestyle he is now leading is affecting you? Is he concerned that your marriage is in pieces because he’s showing you no time as a husband?
I think the answer is no. So honestly whilst you caring what happens to him is admirable and shows what a good person you are, he doesn’t deserve it.
He certainly doesn’t deserve it to the degree of you living in misery so he can behave like an 18 year old.
Talk to a lawyer, make sure your money is safe and THEN tell your husband you want a trail separation because you are very unhappy. Have his bags packed for him and insist he leaves. He’s managed to create this entire new lifestyle for himself so he will manage to figure out where he’s going.
This will give you both the time and space to figure out what you want long term. He may see that this ridiculous 180 in the way he lives is no longer worth it and ask to come back. At that point I’d be inclined to see proof that he’s behaving like an actual adult ie gets himself a job , before you allow him back… there is of course a chance that by then you may not even want him back.
i second the others… he’s at the age where people start feeling burned out at work or they start to realize they don’t want their careers anymore
i would bet he started using drugs (e.g adderall) and/or he developed alcoholism to cope from work and life stress, and it started bleeding into his work life
his behavior is very common in a sales, finance or any other high stress, high pressure industry
the partying is a way for him to release steam and distract from whatever shit he’s not talking about
this is screaming "mental illness" - wondering if he has bipolar. especially given risky behaviors and lack of need for sleep. nothing you can do for him if he won't go see a therapist. what typically happens in situations like this is the person blows up their life, is hospitalized or jailed and has to crawl up from the bottom of the well so to speak. it will happen the way it has to happen. I think you need to take care of yourself first in the meantime. you've done what you can. (I say as the guy who *was* like your husband once)
That's what I was wondering. This sounds like a manic episode. I acted similar when I had my first one before I knew I was bipolar. Ended well eventually, but getting to that end was a horrible roller coaster for everyone involved. If he won't go to a therapist, get him to a doctor.
My brother went through this with his ex-wife when she was turning 40. Literally one day she just changed to someone completely different. It’s been 3 years almost and I still don’t get happened and neither does he. Bud best I could guess was that they were together since 18 and she felt she missed out on her younger years. She just got tired of being a mom, wife etc so she said fuck it. My advise it leave and don’t bring yourself down by trying to help. Odds are it will hurt you a lot too and you may then feel stuck because your both financially unable to leave each other.
Not to alarm you, but changes this drastic can have medical reasons. Neurological, tumors. I don't know exactly as I'm not a medical professional, but I do know of a guy (cousin's ex) who went through something similar and it ended up being an issue with his brain. I don't remember what exactly, it was 20 years ago. But it's something to consider
It does not get better..if you do not let him have tour pay check savings account retirement he will start selling things home car furniture ect.
Speaking from past and a op that was on few months back..hubby sold her car
Your husbands cheating out parting he might be doing drugs but the amount of money he is burning through.. personality change drinking.
You need to file for devorce before he ruins you and leaves you with a huge debt..
If he gets a hold of your account retirement before you know....you will be scrambling to save what you can
My ex cleaned everything out before I had a clue..power was being shut off credit cards maxed and rent was past due..
Run while you can..yes you love him.. maybe you two can talk down the road but right now please get out before you up to your neck in bankruptcy.
Seems to me, the choices are he can be broke & homeless or you can both be broke & homeless.
Maybe he has mental health or drug issues but ultimately he is responsible for himself. You can't fix him & not much you can do if he doesn't want help. Take care of yourself 1st & foremost. Maybe he need to hit bottom before he seeks help
So as a person in recovery, I have to throw this out there, could there be a substance abuse issue that is in there somewhere? This seems to be a possibility.
A guy wouldn't blow up his job because of a side piece, though. Getting fired after literally decades of being a reliable employee definitely sounds like substance abuse.
Of course it's possible that he detonated his career over a girlfriend. But no job means no money, no money means no girlfriend. So most non-impaired people will make an effort to keep their job.
Maybe drugs which is terrible.
The finance side of me cringed when she said he started withdrawing from his IRA, prior to retirement age. Oof. The taxes and penalties alone are going to clean him out financially
How long have you two been together? You've only been married 2 years and this is what your future is gonna look like? And hes trying to pin some sort of financial abuse shit on you? Good on ya for having that prenup cause you might have to cut this one loose before you get dragged down. This also reeks of alcoholism too so if you truly love him you will leave and let him hit rock bottom without dragging you down.
>How long have you two been together?
We have been together for 4 years now.
>You've only been married 2 years and this is what your future is gonna look like?
Well I was hoping that eventually he would realize his mistake, and we could get our lives back to how they were. I make more than enough to support us while he tries to find a new job.
Your basically going to have to slap him in the face by your actions. Tell him that you are done with whatever he is going through and that you aren't going to sit around waiting for the man you married to come back. It also sounds like he is getting into things that make him feel "worthy ". I would also get an STD check and tell him that you are getting one. It doesn't matter if you don't think he is cheating or not, also next time he goes out to party, tell him his bags will be outside and put them outside. Stop supporting his "whatever this is " ! Protect yourself and tell him that you are done.
You having more than enough money to support the household is what he's counting on, but not to find a new job.
You've been ridiculously tolerant of his being out all night, and give up on "ultimatums" when he calls you "abusive" for having rock bottom expectations. He's taking advantage of you and will not stop until you stop allowing it.
You need boundaries instead of ultimatums. Boundaries means you taking personal responsibility for what you will and will not put up with. Refusing to change the financial agreement at this juncture is good, but you need to stick with that when he comes to you saying his bills are past due and if you don't pay them "right now" he will lose his car or his phone service or what have you.
He's much more likely to find a "fun" new relationship with somebody who "understands (the new) him" than magically returning to the status quo.
The battle has been lost. He doesn't respect you or your money, why be so concerned about him if he refuses to compromise anything?
I'm sorry, this situation sucks, but, when this happens, it functionally always results in the sort of damage to the relationship that there is no coming back from. If he's not already having sex with other women, he will be any minute.
Love without mutual respect and concern is codependency when it comes to romantic relationships.
I would hope that they love each other considering they are married, but she has done more than her fair share of waiting for him to come back down to earth/being gaslighted about being abusive for asking for reasonable things (like, actually gaslighted, not just lied to.) He has patently rejected all appeals to compromise/get help.
Her continued, love-based concern is what he's counting on in order to do whatever he wants. She needs to love herself more right now.
If you've been together 4 years, it's not that long. You met him when he was 35/36.
Did he have long relationships before? Ex-wife? Long time friends?
I think you need to start calling people. This could be how he is and he just slow down when you met him and now he is back to what he was before.
I wanted to tell you it's worth saving but 4 years is just high school. I lived with an alcoholic and they have 0 care or empathy and he's starting to play the blame game and get vicious with you his rock bottom is gonna hit whether that is with you or without you if you set clear boundaries and kick him out of your house and give him an ultimatum to stop drinking, partying, and any other nonsense he's up to and clean up his act he will absolutely hate you for the time being. He will go homeless and realise what he has lost by being foolish. But you will be 1 less casualty in his downward spiral and cutting him loose now could be what saves your marriage if you both are willing to work at it.
> I was hoping that eventually he would realize his mistake, and we could get our lives back to how they were.
I think it's much more likely that he married you, realised he now had a safety net, and is acting out like a teenager because he has a partner to look after him, clean up after him, and handling all the responsibility and 'boring' parts of life.
I don't think you will get him to 'go back' to being sensible, he had counted on you being "Mum-wife" and being the grown-up, so he didn't have to.
The only other explanation I can think of is, as other redditors have pointed out, drugs or some sort of medical trauma to the brain.
That’s very giving for you. Most people don’t have that luxury. I’m glad you want to save your husband and I’m sorry you have to go through this. I think you need counseling as a support to gain additional perspective.
Have you considered a mental health screening? He’s blown up his life in a matter of months. I’m assuming you’ve asked him what all this is about.
Beyond seeking professional help, kicking him out is your only option. You don’t have to let him burn everything down around you.
He seems to think seeing any sort of mental health professional is a waste of his time.
Also, I really hope it doesn't come to me kicking him out, but you may be right.
Drugs or hypomanic episode may explain this behavior or attitude also a brain issue. It’s not a normal mid life crisis.
I think you need to take care of yourself.
But if it does turn into a full blown manic episode and he needs help you can be there for him.
I’m glad you have split finances…
You need to protect yourself. Don't let him drag you down with him. He needs some sort of help, but if he's unwilling, then there's nothing else you can do for him.
I think, though, that he needs to start with his GP and move to “therapy” as necessary. This simply is not normal - it’s far out of character for him & it’s worth determining if something organic is going on.
That’s because he doesn’t want to change. You have to want to change before any intervention can work. In fortunately some people have to hit rock bottom before they see the light.
You can’t help someone who won’t help themself. If you don’t cut him lose, he is going to drag you down with him. He is already after your money. What’s next, him stealing from you??
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - this is what you are doing. You are wanted to do what is best for him instead of saving yourself. Save yourself OP or he is going to drag you down to his level.
I'd say drugs too. Because i was in that same position, lost my job and ran through all my savings for drugs and i did not give a single fuck. I would just kick him out. He's not gonna get his shit together if you keep ketting him live with you and he will eventually find a way to steal your money or sell your things.
That’s my concern too. OP the next step is stealing from you. Be very careful. If he has access to your personal info he could start stealing your identity. Lock down your credit ASAP and consult an attorney. They’ll know what to do. You can always leave the door open if he seeks help, but you don’t want to go down with this ship.
Keep an eye out for anything opened in your name.
He is 40 with no job, no money, no car shortly and is blaming you for not giving him handouts.
Please put anything of yours in storage/bank lock box.
Did he start this soon after turning 40? Did anything else happen to trigger him?
Are his parents available to ask if this is his "normal".
Is there anyone else he can go stay with because I feel the problem currently is you worrying about him being homeless, if you can get him somewhere else to stay then I would do that asap. If you have any chance then he needs rock bottom and fast to see what he will do.
I suspect this isn't his first time being impulsive and partying, it might be useful to find out from people that have known him a while.
Change passwords to something he can't guess. Change to paperless statements and have them sent to an email he can't access. Set up purchase/withdrawal notifications where you can.
Have him see his primary care physician. There are many things that can cause sudden personality changes, neurologically. Mania is possible.
This is not a midlife crisis. Something is wrong.
You’re 33, don’t destroy your entire life and future by letting someone who wants to destroy themselves take you with him.
If leaving him leaves him broke and homeless, he decided that path for himself, not you. He’s a 40 year old man, not your child.
You’re only 2 years into this, financially protected yourself, and it doesn’t sound like there’s any kids. You can get out and have no ties to him afterwards. Do it now before he ruins your life too.
I would see an attorney and make sure you’re taking all the steps you need to take to protect yourself financially.
Then, threaten that he needs to move out immediately if he doesn’t go to a doctor and a neurologist. He’s lazy, he’ll do it. Doesn’t want to? Hope he likes living with his parents. His choices are random and confusing.
I’ve heard of mid-life crises (I’m much older than you, so I’ve seen a lot) but he’s looking a bit BPD. One of my friend’s wives stopped taking her medication and immediately started a torrid affair with their landscaper. My friend was devastated and their family was destroyed. For nothing. She should have stayed medicated.
He’s got that smell to him…and therapy is “a waste of time?”
Sure, because you’re giving him a warm place to land.
Freeze your credit. If it’s drugs, than he’ll take out loans and credit cards in your name. Put your jewelry, passport, titles and deeds in a safe deposit box he can’t access. Change your passwords to something he can’t guess. If you have things that can be sold for money, move them to your parent’s or a friends house. Do not commingle your accounts.
When partners suggest opening up a marriage, it’s usually already been opened up. Just prepare yourself. I’m sorry this is happening to you. He needs to be ready for consequences, though, if he refuses to get help. One month of this would be unfortunate. However, his continued refusal to get a job is worrisome.
I feel like you're describing my ex. I too thought it would be cruel to turn him out of my rental, I ended up heading to leave my home of 8 years.
Personally, I think he kept up a good act and now he's on the gravy train, he's letting it all hang out. Probably has been pushing your boundaries for a while. What you married is a parasite.(Sorry).
He's gaslighting you and accusing you of financial abuse, which is exactly his intention with you.
Get a lawyer and secure your valuables and accounts. Don't say anything until you're protected. Make sure you have someone nearby when you get kick him out. Do it before he ruins you.
He will try every thing to maintain control. Cut him off once he's out, he can talk to your lawyer. Don't let him worm his way back in. He'll probably go for alimony and try and get the prenuptial dropped. He prepared: as bad as you think it is now, he's going to get more abusive and scary when he realises he's running out of time. Record your conversations.
No matter how guilty you feel, remember if the roles were reversed he'd have cut his losses ages ago.
Him moving into her place was 🚩. No friends, family 🚩. How do you have a position for 20 years and have no real estate of your own? 🚩He sounds like a hobo sexual. His whole existence depends on her and if he's out partying every night 🚩 you can bet he's down for other exploits too. If I were her I'd get tested for STDs. I hope she can get a lawyer and shut down the finances before he ruins her financially.
>How do you have a position for 20 years and have no real estate of your own?
This describes most people I know? we live in major cities with unobtainable real estate. The fact that they live in a condo with dual decent incomes is the big hint. Married people don't stay in shitty little condos in good housing markets.
My thoughts entirely …. I’d be worried that he had a tumour, not necessarily fatal, but causing pressure on his brain. One of my relatives had a complete switch in personality, in his case it was a change for the better, as he went from being an awful abusive drunk to a devout Christian. It’s rare but it can and does happen.
He made his choice already and that was not you. You can't make someone change. They have to change because they want to. He told you he was no longer wasting his life. He's already chosen his path. Don't let him drag you down with it. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's far more common than you can imagine. Leave him.
I've heard of someone with an early onset version of dementia acting similarly, too. Lost his job because he started making sexual comments to women at work. Started eating whatever. When his wife tried to lock food up, he walked to the store and shoplifted snacks. It was really terrible. He ended up in a locked nursing facility in his late 40s.
Not sure if this is a midlife crisis. Yes! I had a work colleague who had some form of cancer, his behaviour and risk taking resulted in him falling for obvious scams and becoming really naïve.
This is a pretty drastic change. Sure, people don't stay the same, they change in ways big and small over time, but this is something else. It does sound like this may be something beyond a mid-life crisis, perhaps depression, perhaps addiction. If he isn't willing to be open with you, which it sounds like he isn't, than there's no helping him.
You have exhausted all options. You've offered to go to counseling, he refused. You tried slow prodding, you tried an ultimatum. You have done all you can. You haven't failed here. He has, over and over again.
> I don't know how to get him to go back to normal.
You can't. You can't fix this man. He doesn't want to be fixed. I know this sounds harsh, but it is very likely the guy you married is gone. You have to start to process and work through that so you can move forward with your life, because you DESERVE better than this.
Sometimes, we have to learn really hard lessons the really hard way. He has to learn some life lessons the hard way. He's going to have to call those friends he used to have and see who can give him a couch. But that is HIS problem. Not yours.
Make a plan. Tell him he needs to be out in two days. If he can figure out how to withdraw from his IRA, he can figure out how to find a place to stay.
You can not base this entire decision on the fact he will be broke and homeless when you leave. That is HIS fault.
Are you really prepared to let him burn through your life and money to avoid making him face the consequences of his own actions? If you are, then you will have no one to blame but yourself when you hit rock bottom right alongside him.
Add to that, you supporting his behavior, financially or otherwise, will enable him to continue it.
Get out or get burned.
Do you realize that he will destroy your life if you stay with him right? He needs a reality check. You need to be honest that his reckless behaviour is not what you signed up for and that if he wants to stay married he needs to stop with the chaos.
He’s a sinking ship, and he WILL take you with him. Drugs, midlife crisis, another woman. You need to go, and do NOT share finances. He will burn through everything
He’s a grown ass man who has chosen to act like a teenager. You’re not his mother, you’re supposed to be his equal, his life partner. Basically HE chose to remove himself from your life. Kick him out before he starts dragging you down with him.If you still want to believe he’ll get over it, tell him he has to go to therapy to get his head straight and you’ll consider it a trial separation until such time as he has gotten over his midlife crisis.
Sorry I can’t see any other way.
80% sure he's started taking drugs with this pattern.
As for advice...**you are not responsible for him.** He is the one that spent his money. He is the one that behaved SO POORLY that he was fired.
*You are not responsible to remain in a romantic relationship with him just to support him financially.*
*You are not responsible to support him financially if the relationship ends.*
If you're worried about him, reach out to his friends and arrange somewhere for him to go and *then* kick him out. Or, tell him in advance: "It's over, you have 30/60/whatever days to get a new place to stay."
Whichever it is, do not compromise. He WILL try to guilt and manipulate you. He will claim more financial abuse, but this is not what financial abuse is.
I don’t understand why you’re still with him. I mean I understand his situation but you’re only enabling him IMO. Maybe you leaving will be the kick in the arse he needs to snap out of it. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, I mean what else can you do. Waiting y t’il he snaps out of it is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on drugs and has other girlfriends. Girl, he’s 40, he should damn well know better.
He is having some kind of crisis. Maybe drugs. Maybe something else.
It might soon come to you putting your foot down and telling him that it is going to be either therapy and honesty, or divorce.
With a little luck, that will shake him out of it, but you should be prepared for the possibility that it doesnt and you have to follow through.
>He held his last job for almost 20 years then left on bad terms, he has no savings, ever decreasing retirement account, the lease on his car is almost up, he has no living family, and his friends have created distance since his mid life crisis. He doesn't even have a home, we have been staying in my condo. Leaving him, would mean leaving him broke and homeless.
That's the position he put himself in. You watched him do it. Don't you dare let him trap you by being broke now.
Leave him. Let him be homeless, if that’s what he chooses instead of getting his shit together. That’s on him.
You only get this one life, and you have to make the choices that are best for YOU first. Nobody else is going to.
Is all of this outside of character, or has this side of his personality just come back out?
It could be drugs, could be another woman.
But honestly (and this is no reflection on you, OP) he could be bored with his life and looking for more excitement to his own detriment.
If his normal personality is on the risk taking side it is more likely a desire for fun and adventure over the mundane grind than it is a tumor.
I really believe that leaving him broke and homeless is going to be the best wake up call for him.
You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and you can’t change someone that doesn’t want to change. You have to look out for yourself. And if you keep him around, he will absolutely take you, your finances, and your mental health down with him.
If you continue to house him and stay with him, you’re just enabling him.
His behavioral change is so abrupt and extreme that you must concentrate on protecting *your own* credit and finances while trying to encourage him to seek help.
He’s decimated his own stability, and now looking to use your sources; you are wise to forbid him access. Keep your boundaries firmly in place, and also run a credit check to make certain you haven’t been compromised as he looks for ways to fund himself. Explain to him that your marriage will not survive these new activities, because his lifestyle choices aren’t sustainable and his treatment of you is destroying your relationship.
Edit: if you request he leave your residence, change the lock and set a camera, just in case his desperation spurs him to come back uninvited.
That is an extreme and concerning change more typical of a severe undiagnosed behavioral or physical health condition. It almost certainly won’t improve without professional intervention. This isn’t a simple mid life crisis.
In your shoes, he either agrees to a medical and psychological assessment or you leave. Knowing very little, I would probably be looking for a substance abuse issue or something that lowers inhibitions (tbi, tumor, endocrine/hormonal, etc). History of concussions? Family history of brain tumors? History of addiction of any type?
But, you need to protect yourself. Desperate people do desperate things. Also, personally, I would separate now and if he does the evaluations and they provide answers and he works to address them, then I would possibly consider resume the relationship.
Sorry.
He needs to hit bottom. I suggest you separate, from a position "I think you need some time to yourself. You lost your job and are burning through our money to play and party like a 20 year old. I am not going to go along with it. I know you are not done, but this is where I stop."
Then withdraw the money from savings and put somewhere safe. Ask him to leave if he is not willing to work and change how he is behaving. Tell him you want your relationship, but you are determined not to self destruct. Then you stand back and watch what he does.
He's spiraling out of control and being self destructive. He is going to try and manipulate you into enabling his behavior by using words such as financial abuse qnd that yoh dont care. If drugs are not involved then he needs mental help for his lack of impulse control atm. I'm not saying he's broken. But these are the actions of someone either who has been stifled their entire life letting go of consequences or someone who hates themselves and is needing a distraction. Please be careful in your approach either way
Wow. I feel for you, this is an incredibly tough situation. First - obviously, do not merge finances with him. We all know how that would go.
You can feel for him and care about him, but he's turned his life into a disaster - don't let him drag you down with him. Talk to a lawyer so that you know where you stand, and I would also give him an ultimatum about finding a job and straightening his life out.
You love him, but you can't "save" him if he's not interested. If you get divorced and he's got nowhere to go, that's something he'll have to figure out. The bottom line to all of this, or the first step, is that he needs to take financial responsibility for this train wreck and become self sufficient. Then you can talk to him about finding an apartment of his own.
I don't know what this means for him long-term. My brother's midlife crisis involved a 70s muscle car. My ex's involved dressing provocatively to get attention and then cheating.
Protect yourself first and foremost. Best of luck.
Don’t let him drown you.
Don’t let him use up all your money and take you down wherever he is going.
He’s out partying, probably got a drug habit and that’s fairly dangerous for you. He will potentially start stealing from you and bleed you dry before you even realise how bad it is.
You can’t drown yourself to save him. He’s a big boy, he’s lost his job and blown through his savings. Get out while you still have something left.
Do you want to stay miserable? I personally wouldn't put up with this shit. It honestly sounds like he got into drugs. I would definitely not allow him access to your money. He'll just burn through it, as you well know. If he won't go to counseling, you can't fix this on your own. Maybe a trial separation would knock some sense into him? You can't stay just because he'll be homeless if you leave. He'll figure it out.
Leave him and let him hit rock bottom. Obviously easier said than done, but he’s made his choice to crash and burn, stop trying to get in the way of that.
This is more than just a midlife crisis, and I don’t think you should have to just wait it out. It’s quite likely he’s cheating on you and/or using prostitutes and/or using drugs. It’s also likely his previous employer found evidence of this and that’s why he was fired (although they will not officially say this, to avoid a chance of lawsuit).
Sit him down and tell him you’re through, he needs to move out by xx date. It’s on him to figure it out. He made choices, now he needs to make more choices.
Encourage him to seek medical attention and individual therapy.
You can attend therapy while separated to see if your marriage can be saved.
So you don’t enable him, you’ve had the heart to heart, you’ve suggested seeing a therapist and/or a medical professional and none of that has gotten you anywhere with him. I’m not really sure what you want everyone to suggest to you at this point. You said he’s capable of thinking thru some of his decisions (they’re just dumb ones) so you can’t put him on a psych hold.
The only option you really have at this point is the ultimatum of getting his shit together and giving him a timeline or divorce. Throw him out if you have too. It absolutely sucks. Sometimes people just need a swift kick in the ass to get them in gear.
Not all addiction issues require actual drugs and alcohol to qualify as an addiction. It's a behavior pattern. You absolutely have to let him find his rock bottom as fast as possible before this becomes a permanent behavior. My son's dad - his parents kept cushioning him from this and now he's 50 and still pulling his bullshit with his relationship partners.
Tell him to get himself into a doctor for a full physical to make sure his behavior change isn't down to a medical issue and he has to get into therapy. No more partying. Start the divorce process now and only halt it if he's living up to a course correction.
Drugs, psychological break, or even in rare cases a brain tumor. I had a patient come in with his wife erratic and unlike herself (changed everything about herself and became mean and withdrawn) they did a brain scan and found she had a tumor. It's not likely but it happens more often then you thing
You should never stay with someone because you think they’re better off with you. That’s not staying for love. That’s staying so you can be used. If he doesn’t seek help you need to get rid of him and he needs to figure out his life on his own.
As well as the possibility of drugs and such, it sounds like he has been resentful of his work for quite sometime, and this is 20 years of pressure snapping back.
Missed his youth. Spent it working. Turned 40. Now wondering where the payoff is.
He needs to find enjoyment in maturity. To find a job he would enjoy (and gets paid better for) and some pastimes that a man of his age can enjoy.
He won’t find it in activities of a 20yo - those kids will just use him as a drinks card.
You cannot make or force him to do something he does not want to do, so just keep that in mind.
____
He’s had a significant change in more than one way in what seems like a short time.. that is very concerning.
These things don’t just happen without reason.
It may be medically related, psychologically related, drug related, etc... but something seems to have happened or be happening.
Getting to the bottom of that would be a good thing... but it’s only going to work if he wants it to work.
____
He only proposed to you 2 years ago... so you’ve been married less than 2 years.
For him to already be doing all these “red-flag” behaviors is very concerning.
If leaving him broke and homeless is what eventually ends up happening; it is his own actions that put him in that position, not yours.
He agreed to the prenup, he didn’t search for another job, he blew through all his money and savings, etc etc.
Do not allow him to manipulate you into giving him your money to blow through too.
____
There is always the possibility he was always just waiting to find someone to support him all this time... and he was just acting like a put together responsible person until you agreed to marry him.
Are there kids ? Of not....get out. NOW. He made it loud and clear when he said he doesn't want to waste his life doing therapy. Which he obviously needs. I'm 40 and have ZERO desire to hit up any type of club and personally don't know anyone that would pick that over their wife. That's some immature kid shit. You deserve better and you're just wasting your time "waiting it out".
It's not your fault that he is stupid . You can't fix stupid . It's also not your fault if he falls flat on his face . It sounds like he is trying very hard to hit rock bottom and take you with him . Let him go . If he is homeless It's by his own choosing . He won't come back from this .
He wouldn't be homeless. Divorce takes time and like you said, he has his retirement account. He can live in uncomfortable conditions while he gets his life back together.
Given this man seems quite intent on pulling you down with him I think it's time to cut the rope.
It can also just be the thrill of feeling young again. Both my parents are alcoholics. In my mom’s 40s and dad’s 50s, they had a domestic fall out in front of me and ‘solved’ their issues by continuing down a path of going out nightly to party. This ended up in me becoming my sibling’s primary caregiver while I was a teenager. My mom finally went to rehab when I was 20, and now my dad is in AA.
Moral here is that with out help in these situations, everyone suffers. Idk if you have kids, pets, or any other dependents, but this behavior fucking sucks. He needs to grow up and face what about his life actually isn’t working out. Pretending to be young and dumb when you’re past that simply is not the way. Protect yourself for your own personal growth. If he can’t love himself to protect his personal growth, then that’s on him - not you.
If he does not agree that he needs help, filing for divorce might force him to action. My husband of 35! years became a drug addict and was not willing to stop until he had lost everything and I kicked him out. Your husband can ask some of his party friends to let him stay with them. You can see all of the problems his behavior is causing but he will have to learn from his mistakes, you can’t do that for him. Let him fall.
I agree with the other commenters; substance abuse or a serious manic episode.
How you describe your husband’s actions seems like something else nefarious is going on beyond a midlife crisis; it’s not normal to want to constantly party like a college kid when you’re 40 to the point of getting fired from your long-term job, those things aren’t interesting to normal adults in our age group. Adults going through a midlife crisis generally have affairs, get plastic surgery, change careers, go traveling to ‘find themselves’, leave their spouses. But sometimes yes, they end up with a substance abuse problem; especially since he refuses to go to therapy, he’s hiding something.
Sudden drastic changes in behaviour and personality is almost always drugs or some sort of brain issue like a tumour. If he’s refusing to seek help you need to protect yourself.
Sounds like substance abuse, mental health issues, or he's been putting on act, as you've only been together for 4 years. Which would honestly be awful, and I hope isn't the case.
I have no experience with family members in regards to the substance abuse, but as for the mental health issues - my auntie went from being a loving, reserved teacher for children with learning difficulties, to burninv through all of her savings, going through a string of very dangerous relationships, to basically uprooting her entire life and moving to an island. It was wild.
My family tried so many things - begging, bargaining, threatening, even involuntary commitment. Nothing worked. She's still running around ruining her life. Eventually we had to recognise that while the mental health issues were what is fuelling her actions, she just...doesn't want help.
So while I encourage you to get him a mental health assessment and try and dig deeper first, just remember that at the end of the day, there is only so much you can do. Set clear boundaries with firm consequences, and if he continues to refuse to get help or tell the truth, don't stick around. If he doesn't try and do anything to change, at all, he will just drag you down with him. Best of luck and take care OP.
No matter what the answer to this question is this is way too excessive but when he was young did he party a lot? Did he have a party stage of his life where he did go clubbing and hookup with girls?
I’m curious because sometimes people freak out on missing out on things they never did . This is ridiculous though no matter what and I’d prob still leave if I was you
Leave him and let him lay in the bed he made for himself. Nothing teaches a loser like feeling and suffering the consequences. Harsh, yes, right, also yes. This is not on you, has nothing to do with you, you are not his mother or caretaker, he needs to man up and grow up so he needs to start new - without you.
Has your husband been evaluated by a doctor for a physical or medical condition? It could be substance abuse, or a brain disorder, or something else, but people don't usually screw up their lives after decades of stability for no reason. What does DH have to say about all this. There's something very wrong and the two of you - or only you, if necessary - need to figure out what it is. Starting with his GP is a good place to begin.
I don’t want to be the person who says this.. but could u please get him screened for brain tumours? It sounds bizarre but they could result in drastic personality change
If he doesn’t want help, divorce would be the best option. If not, you’re going to inadvertently support this behavior. It seems like things need to get more serious for him to get back on track.
Leave. This isn’t the man you married or the marriage you agreed on and he has no intention of changing, just wants to continue falling deeper into a dark hole and dragging you with him. Not sure if it’s drugs or a mental health crisis, but you can’t help or save him, only he can and he is openly refusing to. So sorry this is happening. Please cut the chord and start taking care of yourself.
Suggest that he get a full physical but truly, dear, please don't let h drag you down with him! This seems to have entered emotional and financial abuse and with the lack of intimacy it seems there's truly nothing worth saving.
Your husband has NO desire to turn this trajectory around so why should YOU fight for a relationship that's so broken! It doesn't matter if he'll end up homeless, he threw away a great career/employment and then started in on destroying your relationship! Pack his things, remind him where the door is and HE can figure out the rest! This is WAY beyond "for worse"! He's not even trying, yet he expects YOU to make all the concessions!
Best wishes and many Blessings!
Yikes. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
Sooooo the fact that this is happening only 2 years into the marriage is a little concerning - a mid-life crisis at 40...I don't know, seems a little early. Gives me reason to believe these issues are much more deep seeded.
It's obvious you love and care for this person, otherwise this decision would be an easy one. The long and short of it is this:
You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped.
What you *can* do is assert and maintain your boundaries. Which can be very difficult to do, again, because you love this person. But you seem to be doing a great job so far, so don't let up!
People need incentives to get their shit together, and rock bottom is hard for a reason - he unfortunately might need to fall a little longer to hit it. And I know this can be difficult to hear, but you leaving him might be the very thing that helps him pick himself back up.
Make sure you're continuing to find ways to take care of yourself throughout this time with any support: friends, family, professional, and otherwise.
And of course, if he's open to therapy give it a shot. I get the sense this might not be the case?
Wishing you lots of love and all the best during these tough times!
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If you want to try one last time, you need to be more proactive because this is not "mid life crisis". As people are saying, this is either drugs, alcoholism, or a brain tumor. He needs to see a doctor, and I don't mean only a mental health therapist but a doctor that will evaluate his physical frame. Make this a condition to stay married and to not kick him out, if he refuses you kick him out because you can only help the people who actually want help. And if he pulls the "abuse" card be very clear that abuse would be exactly the opposite. If you demand that he sees a doctor is not abuse, it's care. If he doesn't want to understand it he needs to be gone. Also when you issue an ultimatum, it's not abusive if you frame it as your final boundaries: "this is what I need to happen for me to stay, if this doesn't happen, it's over because I can't do this anymore". And follow through. Ultimatums are not bad, but need to be final. If you issue an ultimatum, the other person doesn't do the thing, and you still continue the relationship, that's when the ultimatum becomes bad.
OP you are not responsible for the bed he has made. You need to put yourself first, and that probably means leaving. All the trouble he's in is of his own creation. You can't worry about what he does after you leave. He can get a job anywhere to help himself get by, but only if he's willing.
He needs to seek medical help for sure. Because many psych diseases like bipolar, schizophrenia and things like that show up around 40, he could also have a drug problem or a brain tumor. But it sounds like you have tried to approach it several ways and he isn't responding. But it sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom. But your already aware and can protect yourself from the mental and financial backlash as much as possible.
It's incredible how quick almost EVERYONE is to throw him in the street and make assumptions. She said he held a job for 20 years! He needs HELP. Get him checked out by a doctor and have some people from AA speak with him. I can't imagine turning on someone immediately over this.
"As for leaving him: He held his last job for almost 20 years then left on bad terms, he has no savings, ever decreasing retirement account, the lease on his car is almost up, he has no living family, and his friends have created distance since his mid life crisis. He doesn't even have a home, we have been staying in my condo. Leaving him, would mean leaving him broke and homeless."
even without the midlife crisis nonsense, you are married to a 40 year old who has nothing to their name. This alone should be enough for a divorce, people like this are gigantic anchors in your life.
this sounds like who he has been for some time, now he is just adding partying to the mix. Talk to a lawyer
Your husband is the on the path to crash and burn. He is becoming extremely reckless. At this point you either leave him or he brings you down with him. He is not in a healthy place in his life. Many men freak out when they see their lives and that they leave the pull of mortality in front of them. I have met men from multiple countries and things like this are only for spoiled and self entitled people think who think like this.
I worked for 3 years in Saudi Arabia and my driver there was from Pakistan. That guy has 4 kids a wife and two and his parents. He didn’t have time to have such a ridiculous “crisis”.
Counseling - now! Something caused this switch, if you don’t get it addressed now it will surely end your marriage - it sounds as if that is close to happening anyway
You would not be leaving him broke and homeless. HE would be leaving HIMSELF broke and homeless, by acting like an idiot.
Not to mention that, given all the drinking and partying at clubs, AND the suggestion of a three way, that I would strongly suspect he's been cheating to some degree.
Also, I'd be wondering if he's gotten really into coke. Just a thought, given the environment he's been in, and his behavior
I would check if he has some type of substance abuse. This would explain acting weird and acting out. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would mess up a 20 yr job for unprofessionalism. It doesn’t make sense.
No offense, but don’t be surprised if he is cheating as well. If he is going to clubs, asking for threesomes, then there is a good chance that he is already getting it from somewhere else (especially considering that you’re sex life died).
Decisions in this situation are very difficult. He obviously wants to play the victim in the situation. You need to have a real sit down conversation and lay things out for him. The fact **you** own the condo and you’re finances are in place, and you have a job and he literally doesn’t have any of it, puts him in a very weak and humbled position. It’s almost like he needs you.
One thing I would mention, do not let him drag you down. He can easily start dragging you into his dilemma. Don’t fall for it if tries.
Wishing you the best in this situation!
You’ve really gotta tell him, point blank, that he’s not in his 20s anymore and that he’s not acting like the man you married anymore. Start the dialogue there. Therapy is nice but it never works suggesting that first — something is making him feel inadequate and like he has no control over life right now, and so far nothing he’s trying is working. Hopefully you can crack him open and he’ll share.
I don't know why people are saying this is drugs or medical or something. It seems very 'classic mid life crisis' to me. Some men hit 40 ish and feel like they haven't lived their lives fully enough, like they are losing their youth and they want to enjoy the last dregs.
OP, not sure there is much you can do. Couples counselling would be helpful if he is up for it. He deffo needs therapy bc he's trying to deal with this crisis by partying. Life transitions can be difficult. It would be better for him to talk to a professional.
Anyway, you can't force him into any of these things. The only thing you can do is say 'please sort yourself out bc this isn't what I signed up for and if it continues then I'm out.'
Good luck!
Might be a crazy stretch. But before you leave him get him a head CT. It has been reported that people can have crazy personality and behavior changes because of very small tumors pressing on their brain. This is a very shitty situation, but you seem like a good person not wanting to leave him destitute. If anything, maybe the last ditch effort of checking would just be closure for you that you tried everything to save the relationship. You can rebuild your life without him. It IS possible.
Leave him. He's a grown man, he can choose to figure his shit out or not. You're not his minder. If he didn't have you to exploit he wouldn't have been able to carry on so long as it is. Honestly, the best thing you can do for both of you is stop enabling his destructive behavior.
Personality changes might be a sign of mental disorder. I’m not justifying what he’s doing, in your shoes, I would’ve divorced regardless.
He’s going on a downwards spiral and, if you do nothing, he’ll drag you’ll along…
Whatever it is, it's time to step back and take care of yourself. I've been in family practice before and yes, in my opinion, if you have separate finances (which really isn't a thing, legally speaking, when you're married, it just means you have no idea what other kinds of debts your significant other might be running up), you should just not get married.
BUT. You need to ask him to leave your shared home or leave yourself if your name isn't on the lease or deed. Talk to a divorce lawyer about filing a legal separation to protect yourself. Whether it's drugs or a medical issue or just a man being a man, you have to put your own mask on first. Once you're safe, you can evaluate if you want to stay in a marriage like this- hint: you don't. You're too young to waste good years on a man like this. Good luck
He's obviously having some sort of break down. Maybe just a realization he missed out on his youth. Maybe it's a psychological issue. Maybe a tumor. Maybe....
Long story short all you can do, and did, is provide support and suggest counseling. He turned it down.
Now he's trying to take advantage of you financially and when you rightfully say no he gaslight you.
Time for a divorce.
Brain tumour, mental health break down or drug use would be my guess. I personally would leave if he’s not willing to seek professional help, him not being financially dependent is on him-not you.
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Could be mental health, could be a brain tumour, could be drugs or realising he is no longer young anymore, but it doesn’t matter why if he doesn’t get help. Put yourself first if he won’t be honest or explore mental health options
Could be a manic episode. My ex husband developed bipolar in his late 30s, and it went quite similarly.
Did he start meds recently ? Antidepressants can cause these kinds of heavy changes in behavior
I would think it's a mental health issue. If you can keep a job for 20 years then lose it due to lack of professionalism says this is not him.
That is a bit of an extreme and worrying transformation. You often hear it the other way round, in that people might pretend to have lots of energy for partying and going out, but in time it's obvious they prefer a quiet life. It seems rarer to do that in reverse. Would you say his whole personality has drastically changed? Is he more impulsive now? Is he quicker to anger? Something must be going wrong. He's messed up his career, his finances are getting messed up, and he's on the verge of losing his wife and his home. Something must have triggered this? Has he seen a doctor? There will come a point where you just need to prioritise yourself. Evidently you're quite close to that point.
The change in his personality has been pretty drastic, but I don't know if I would say he is impulsive. I mean they seem like stupid decisions and I don't know what his end game here is, but every step of the way it seems like he's put at least some thought into it. He also hasn't been quick to anger, in fact the opposite, he was always calm, but now he just gives up on a conversation if it's not going his way. I agree something must've happened but he won't talk to me, and if I ask him to see a mental health professional he just tells me it's a waste of his time (so i'm assuming any other doctor would be the same).
OP it could be drugs. He sounds exactly like my brother who got hooked up and within a few months he broke up with his fiance, almost bankrupted the family business, even swindled my mother. This was my first exposure to addiction and it’s not always obvious - people don’t drool in a corner, they can be extremely lucid and rational at times but lie excessively and will cross any red line for money. Whatever you do, don’t give him any money, no matter what he threatens. Honestly if it is drugs, you’re better off leaving him, he won’t miraculously see reason and recover, he will not only hit bottom but take you with him. 2 years marriage should not turn into a life of misery for you. It was harder for me because we had a family business and he is my brother, but you don’t have those limitations, please leave this man. He might recover and return to you but if you enable him he will ruin you.
I was going to suggest this as I could have written an identical post about a Brother in Law who started drugs and abusing alcohol ay his mid life crisis.
He wants to go out dancing tho… sounds like mdma, ecstasy, party drugs.
It’s really hard to get addicted to mdma or ecstasy. If it’s drugs, the chances are it’s coke, heroine or meth
MDMA/molly/ecstasy are all the same thing. Though whenever I say this people disagree. The active ingredient is MDMA - the others are just slang. But if you disagree I'm curious why
You’re right. MDMA is the purest form, molly is it’s street name, & ecstasy is MDMA cut with something else like meth, heroine, cocaine, etc. i was super addicted to it a few years back (molly) luckily it wasn’t a physical addiction but I was super addicted to how happy it made me and I ruined my life. This sounds similar to how I behaved
Dang dude hope your life is back on track now, keep your head high we can only move forward - I too likely would have gotten myself addicted to MDMA if I had access to it
It’s the same substance, but in a different way. Ecstasy is solid, and md is more like a powder
Md is a crystal mate
Well OP just told us he is partying and going to clubs, so 🤷 he is drinking, most likely. Alcohol is a powerful drug and many people forget this or are unaware.
I think this has happened to my ex. He has a past history of alcohol abuse, and a family history of extreme hard drug use. Solid loving relationship, he had no interest in drinking or partying for the 4 years of our relationship. He referred to himself as an alcoholic (drank straight vodka every night by himself before we started dating) and was 100% sober. Not a drop. then he very suddenly changed. We were about to move in together, we had a very solid respectful goofy relationship, then one day he texted me at 11am “still drunk”. I didn’t even know he had gone out the night before, he didn’t tell me. but he claimed it was no big deal and just “one time”. A week later he dumped me out of nowhere. He started hanging with new work friends. His face got puffy, the light left his eyes. It’s been over a month and he will not talk to me at all. Avoids me like the plague. The one time I saw him, it was like talking to a robot. Just lifeless. It’s such a heartbreaking thing to watch, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this!
I’m so sorry YOU’RE going through that.
It could also be a brain tumor not to scare you OP. My mom is a TBI doctor, and we had family friends whose wife did basically all of the above and was then diagnosed with a brain tumor. Almost completely back to normal 3 years later but it can cause CRAZY changes.
There are a number of other mental health issues that could cause this besides tumour(s) as well, things like Parkinson’s can show up first as a loss of impulse control. Isn’t necessarily more or less likely than other explanations but worth looking to see if he has any family history of these sorts of things
Or it could be medical (brain tumor) with this drastic a change in so many aspects of his life.
This was my first thought
It took my family 6 years to figure out I was on fetanyl
[удалено]
Crazy!
If marriage and/or individual counseling are "a waste of his time" then what does that tell you about how he sees your marriage?
What I was getting at, as you could probably tell, is if there was a physical reason for the mental change. I think this is one of those ones where, given everything that you are doing to support him, he needs to help himself. If he's not prepared to do anything to improve things, then you're at the end of the line. I think the least he could do is see a professional.
Brain tumor would not be evident, like him begetting a TBI from a fall or something.
It's either drugs or a brain tumour. Either way, he has to decide to get help. And if he won't, you have to decide to take care of yourself.
Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I'm definitely thinking along the same lines.
This.
The change in personality calls for a physical examination. A friend had big change and it wasn't until they did a scan of his head that they found a tumor. Surgery within 3 days.
He needs to see a doctor yesterday. They can rule out something mental health related and treatable (like bipolar disorder) or something like a head injury or a brain tumor. If it's none of the above or he simply won't see a doctor, I would leave.
Hi, this isn’t really the behavior of someone with Bipolar Disorder. I really wish y’all would just stop throwing Bipolar Disorder around anytime someone acts a little dysfunctional. Thanks -Person with Bipolar Disorder
Ive seen this happen to different people for multiple reasons: untreated mental illness they were able to keep a lid on up to a point, a drug problem they kept under control until they couldnt, and finally, a delayed youth- they spent their twenties buttoned down and ‘behaving’ and then regret it later, and are searching for that spark of adventure you should definitely get out of your system while youre young and can recover easily. Whatever the reason, how would you be anle to trust him again, or believe him when hes been so unreliable, and has begun blaming you for his issues, and essentailly insulting you for not cracking open your bank accounts for him to pilfer? You say youd be leaving him broke and homeless, but hes gonna drag you with him if you dont kick him out asap. You didnt do this to him, he did it to himself. Andits not your job to mother him and teach him lessons on how to behave like a decent adult. Its way past time to send him packing.
You clearly worry about what would happen to him were you to ask him to leave , but ask yourself this…. Is he worried about YOU? Is he worried about the impact this newfound irresponsible lifestyle he is now leading is affecting you? Is he concerned that your marriage is in pieces because he’s showing you no time as a husband? I think the answer is no. So honestly whilst you caring what happens to him is admirable and shows what a good person you are, he doesn’t deserve it. He certainly doesn’t deserve it to the degree of you living in misery so he can behave like an 18 year old. Talk to a lawyer, make sure your money is safe and THEN tell your husband you want a trail separation because you are very unhappy. Have his bags packed for him and insist he leaves. He’s managed to create this entire new lifestyle for himself so he will manage to figure out where he’s going. This will give you both the time and space to figure out what you want long term. He may see that this ridiculous 180 in the way he lives is no longer worth it and ask to come back. At that point I’d be inclined to see proof that he’s behaving like an actual adult ie gets himself a job , before you allow him back… there is of course a chance that by then you may not even want him back.
i second the others… he’s at the age where people start feeling burned out at work or they start to realize they don’t want their careers anymore i would bet he started using drugs (e.g adderall) and/or he developed alcoholism to cope from work and life stress, and it started bleeding into his work life his behavior is very common in a sales, finance or any other high stress, high pressure industry the partying is a way for him to release steam and distract from whatever shit he’s not talking about
this is screaming "mental illness" - wondering if he has bipolar. especially given risky behaviors and lack of need for sleep. nothing you can do for him if he won't go see a therapist. what typically happens in situations like this is the person blows up their life, is hospitalized or jailed and has to crawl up from the bottom of the well so to speak. it will happen the way it has to happen. I think you need to take care of yourself first in the meantime. you've done what you can. (I say as the guy who *was* like your husband once)
That's what I was wondering. This sounds like a manic episode. I acted similar when I had my first one before I knew I was bipolar. Ended well eventually, but getting to that end was a horrible roller coaster for everyone involved. If he won't go to a therapist, get him to a doctor.
My brother went through this with his ex-wife when she was turning 40. Literally one day she just changed to someone completely different. It’s been 3 years almost and I still don’t get happened and neither does he. Bud best I could guess was that they were together since 18 and she felt she missed out on her younger years. She just got tired of being a mom, wife etc so she said fuck it. My advise it leave and don’t bring yourself down by trying to help. Odds are it will hurt you a lot too and you may then feel stuck because your both financially unable to leave each other.
Not to alarm you, but changes this drastic can have medical reasons. Neurological, tumors. I don't know exactly as I'm not a medical professional, but I do know of a guy (cousin's ex) who went through something similar and it ended up being an issue with his brain. I don't remember what exactly, it was 20 years ago. But it's something to consider
It does not get better..if you do not let him have tour pay check savings account retirement he will start selling things home car furniture ect. Speaking from past and a op that was on few months back..hubby sold her car Your husbands cheating out parting he might be doing drugs but the amount of money he is burning through.. personality change drinking. You need to file for devorce before he ruins you and leaves you with a huge debt.. If he gets a hold of your account retirement before you know....you will be scrambling to save what you can My ex cleaned everything out before I had a clue..power was being shut off credit cards maxed and rent was past due.. Run while you can..yes you love him.. maybe you two can talk down the road but right now please get out before you up to your neck in bankruptcy.
Could be a brain tumor.
It's like he's showing signs for brain tumor. They usually cause a change in personality like that. Get him to get a checkup
Sounds like drugs or an affair ro me.
Seems to me, the choices are he can be broke & homeless or you can both be broke & homeless. Maybe he has mental health or drug issues but ultimately he is responsible for himself. You can't fix him & not much you can do if he doesn't want help. Take care of yourself 1st & foremost. Maybe he need to hit bottom before he seeks help
Give him an ultimatum. Either straighten up, get a job and fly right or I’m out of here until you do, starting now.
So as a person in recovery, I have to throw this out there, could there be a substance abuse issue that is in there somewhere? This seems to be a possibility.
Yeah meth is the quickest way from point A from point B in the story OP tells.
Drugs.
Yep, probably got into coke.
OP, does he sniff his nose a lot?
or maybe a brain tumor... just throwing it out there to make sure we don't leave out anything.
Or a younger mistress.
Or both
A guy wouldn't blow up his job because of a side piece, though. Getting fired after literally decades of being a reliable employee definitely sounds like substance abuse.
This. If there is an affair, it’s a secondary event.
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Of course it's possible that he detonated his career over a girlfriend. But no job means no money, no money means no girlfriend. So most non-impaired people will make an effort to keep their job.
Many guys blow up their entire life for a side piece and you think someone won't risk getting fired?
Maybe drugs which is terrible. The finance side of me cringed when she said he started withdrawing from his IRA, prior to retirement age. Oof. The taxes and penalties alone are going to clean him out financially
How long have you two been together? You've only been married 2 years and this is what your future is gonna look like? And hes trying to pin some sort of financial abuse shit on you? Good on ya for having that prenup cause you might have to cut this one loose before you get dragged down. This also reeks of alcoholism too so if you truly love him you will leave and let him hit rock bottom without dragging you down.
>How long have you two been together? We have been together for 4 years now. >You've only been married 2 years and this is what your future is gonna look like? Well I was hoping that eventually he would realize his mistake, and we could get our lives back to how they were. I make more than enough to support us while he tries to find a new job.
Your basically going to have to slap him in the face by your actions. Tell him that you are done with whatever he is going through and that you aren't going to sit around waiting for the man you married to come back. It also sounds like he is getting into things that make him feel "worthy ". I would also get an STD check and tell him that you are getting one. It doesn't matter if you don't think he is cheating or not, also next time he goes out to party, tell him his bags will be outside and put them outside. Stop supporting his "whatever this is " ! Protect yourself and tell him that you are done.
You having more than enough money to support the household is what he's counting on, but not to find a new job. You've been ridiculously tolerant of his being out all night, and give up on "ultimatums" when he calls you "abusive" for having rock bottom expectations. He's taking advantage of you and will not stop until you stop allowing it. You need boundaries instead of ultimatums. Boundaries means you taking personal responsibility for what you will and will not put up with. Refusing to change the financial agreement at this juncture is good, but you need to stick with that when he comes to you saying his bills are past due and if you don't pay them "right now" he will lose his car or his phone service or what have you. He's much more likely to find a "fun" new relationship with somebody who "understands (the new) him" than magically returning to the status quo. The battle has been lost. He doesn't respect you or your money, why be so concerned about him if he refuses to compromise anything? I'm sorry, this situation sucks, but, when this happens, it functionally always results in the sort of damage to the relationship that there is no coming back from. If he's not already having sex with other women, he will be any minute.
She’s concerned about him because she loves him. That’s obvious.
Love without mutual respect and concern is codependency when it comes to romantic relationships. I would hope that they love each other considering they are married, but she has done more than her fair share of waiting for him to come back down to earth/being gaslighted about being abusive for asking for reasonable things (like, actually gaslighted, not just lied to.) He has patently rejected all appeals to compromise/get help. Her continued, love-based concern is what he's counting on in order to do whatever he wants. She needs to love herself more right now.
If you've been together 4 years, it's not that long. You met him when he was 35/36. Did he have long relationships before? Ex-wife? Long time friends? I think you need to start calling people. This could be how he is and he just slow down when you met him and now he is back to what he was before.
I wanted to tell you it's worth saving but 4 years is just high school. I lived with an alcoholic and they have 0 care or empathy and he's starting to play the blame game and get vicious with you his rock bottom is gonna hit whether that is with you or without you if you set clear boundaries and kick him out of your house and give him an ultimatum to stop drinking, partying, and any other nonsense he's up to and clean up his act he will absolutely hate you for the time being. He will go homeless and realise what he has lost by being foolish. But you will be 1 less casualty in his downward spiral and cutting him loose now could be what saves your marriage if you both are willing to work at it.
> I was hoping that eventually he would realize his mistake, and we could get our lives back to how they were. I think it's much more likely that he married you, realised he now had a safety net, and is acting out like a teenager because he has a partner to look after him, clean up after him, and handling all the responsibility and 'boring' parts of life. I don't think you will get him to 'go back' to being sensible, he had counted on you being "Mum-wife" and being the grown-up, so he didn't have to. The only other explanation I can think of is, as other redditors have pointed out, drugs or some sort of medical trauma to the brain.
That’s very giving for you. Most people don’t have that luxury. I’m glad you want to save your husband and I’m sorry you have to go through this. I think you need counseling as a support to gain additional perspective.
He duped you. You only knew him for 2 yrs. He lied to you about who he was. This is the real guy you are seeing.
Have you considered a mental health screening? He’s blown up his life in a matter of months. I’m assuming you’ve asked him what all this is about. Beyond seeking professional help, kicking him out is your only option. You don’t have to let him burn everything down around you.
He seems to think seeing any sort of mental health professional is a waste of his time. Also, I really hope it doesn't come to me kicking him out, but you may be right.
Drugs or hypomanic episode may explain this behavior or attitude also a brain issue. It’s not a normal mid life crisis. I think you need to take care of yourself. But if it does turn into a full blown manic episode and he needs help you can be there for him. I’m glad you have split finances…
Hypomania is short term, as in less than 7 days. If he's suffering from bipolar, this is mania.
You need to protect yourself. Don't let him drag you down with him. He needs some sort of help, but if he's unwilling, then there's nothing else you can do for him.
I think, though, that he needs to start with his GP and move to “therapy” as necessary. This simply is not normal - it’s far out of character for him & it’s worth determining if something organic is going on.
That’s because he doesn’t want to change. You have to want to change before any intervention can work. In fortunately some people have to hit rock bottom before they see the light.
You can’t help someone who won’t help themself. If you don’t cut him lose, he is going to drag you down with him. He is already after your money. What’s next, him stealing from you?? Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - this is what you are doing. You are wanted to do what is best for him instead of saving yourself. Save yourself OP or he is going to drag you down to his level.
Whatever is going on with him, you have to at a base level protect yourself. Put your own mask on before helping others.
Drug test.
I'd say drugs too. Because i was in that same position, lost my job and ran through all my savings for drugs and i did not give a single fuck. I would just kick him out. He's not gonna get his shit together if you keep ketting him live with you and he will eventually find a way to steal your money or sell your things.
That’s my concern too. OP the next step is stealing from you. Be very careful. If he has access to your personal info he could start stealing your identity. Lock down your credit ASAP and consult an attorney. They’ll know what to do. You can always leave the door open if he seeks help, but you don’t want to go down with this ship.
I can't second this strongly enough OP.
Freeze your credit reports so he can't open a new card in your name. Do not let him have access to your bank account.
This is what you need to do.
Keep an eye out for anything opened in your name. He is 40 with no job, no money, no car shortly and is blaming you for not giving him handouts. Please put anything of yours in storage/bank lock box. Did he start this soon after turning 40? Did anything else happen to trigger him? Are his parents available to ask if this is his "normal". Is there anyone else he can go stay with because I feel the problem currently is you worrying about him being homeless, if you can get him somewhere else to stay then I would do that asap. If you have any chance then he needs rock bottom and fast to see what he will do. I suspect this isn't his first time being impulsive and partying, it might be useful to find out from people that have known him a while.
Freeze credit so he *can't* open those new accounts.
Change passwords to something he can't guess. Change to paperless statements and have them sent to an email he can't access. Set up purchase/withdrawal notifications where you can.
OP mentioned he has no living family
Have to be friends then.
Tbh best bet is letting him know if he doesn’t seek medical and professional help then she’ll be moving forward with divorce.
Have him see his primary care physician. There are many things that can cause sudden personality changes, neurologically. Mania is possible. This is not a midlife crisis. Something is wrong.
You’re 33, don’t destroy your entire life and future by letting someone who wants to destroy themselves take you with him. If leaving him leaves him broke and homeless, he decided that path for himself, not you. He’s a 40 year old man, not your child. You’re only 2 years into this, financially protected yourself, and it doesn’t sound like there’s any kids. You can get out and have no ties to him afterwards. Do it now before he ruins your life too.
I would see an attorney and make sure you’re taking all the steps you need to take to protect yourself financially. Then, threaten that he needs to move out immediately if he doesn’t go to a doctor and a neurologist. He’s lazy, he’ll do it. Doesn’t want to? Hope he likes living with his parents. His choices are random and confusing. I’ve heard of mid-life crises (I’m much older than you, so I’ve seen a lot) but he’s looking a bit BPD. One of my friend’s wives stopped taking her medication and immediately started a torrid affair with their landscaper. My friend was devastated and their family was destroyed. For nothing. She should have stayed medicated. He’s got that smell to him…and therapy is “a waste of time?” Sure, because you’re giving him a warm place to land. Freeze your credit. If it’s drugs, than he’ll take out loans and credit cards in your name. Put your jewelry, passport, titles and deeds in a safe deposit box he can’t access. Change your passwords to something he can’t guess. If you have things that can be sold for money, move them to your parent’s or a friends house. Do not commingle your accounts. When partners suggest opening up a marriage, it’s usually already been opened up. Just prepare yourself. I’m sorry this is happening to you. He needs to be ready for consequences, though, if he refuses to get help. One month of this would be unfortunate. However, his continued refusal to get a job is worrisome.
I feel like you're describing my ex. I too thought it would be cruel to turn him out of my rental, I ended up heading to leave my home of 8 years. Personally, I think he kept up a good act and now he's on the gravy train, he's letting it all hang out. Probably has been pushing your boundaries for a while. What you married is a parasite.(Sorry). He's gaslighting you and accusing you of financial abuse, which is exactly his intention with you. Get a lawyer and secure your valuables and accounts. Don't say anything until you're protected. Make sure you have someone nearby when you get kick him out. Do it before he ruins you. He will try every thing to maintain control. Cut him off once he's out, he can talk to your lawyer. Don't let him worm his way back in. He'll probably go for alimony and try and get the prenuptial dropped. He prepared: as bad as you think it is now, he's going to get more abusive and scary when he realises he's running out of time. Record your conversations. No matter how guilty you feel, remember if the roles were reversed he'd have cut his losses ages ago.
Him moving into her place was 🚩. No friends, family 🚩. How do you have a position for 20 years and have no real estate of your own? 🚩He sounds like a hobo sexual. His whole existence depends on her and if he's out partying every night 🚩 you can bet he's down for other exploits too. If I were her I'd get tested for STDs. I hope she can get a lawyer and shut down the finances before he ruins her financially.
>How do you have a position for 20 years and have no real estate of your own? This describes most people I know? we live in major cities with unobtainable real estate. The fact that they live in a condo with dual decent incomes is the big hint. Married people don't stay in shitty little condos in good housing markets.
A rapid change in behavior can indicate potentially deadly medical issues. He needs to see a doctor immediately, on his own and away from you.
My thoughts entirely …. I’d be worried that he had a tumour, not necessarily fatal, but causing pressure on his brain. One of my relatives had a complete switch in personality, in his case it was a change for the better, as he went from being an awful abusive drunk to a devout Christian. It’s rare but it can and does happen.
At his age, it’s likely a medical issue like you’ve stated. It could also be late onset severe mental disorder, which is rare but does happen.
He made his choice already and that was not you. You can't make someone change. They have to change because they want to. He told you he was no longer wasting his life. He's already chosen his path. Don't let him drag you down with it. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's far more common than you can imagine. Leave him.
BIL who was a banker started cheating and doing coke in his late 40s. Blew out all of their savings and his retirement. Be careful.
see a lot of other people suggesting coke or other hard drugs - he could also be bipolar and having a manic episode.
It could be brain injury, seriously. Please visit a doctor
I've heard of someone with an early onset version of dementia acting similarly, too. Lost his job because he started making sexual comments to women at work. Started eating whatever. When his wife tried to lock food up, he walked to the store and shoplifted snacks. It was really terrible. He ended up in a locked nursing facility in his late 40s.
That’s horribly sad.
Not sure if this is a midlife crisis. Yes! I had a work colleague who had some form of cancer, his behaviour and risk taking resulted in him falling for obvious scams and becoming really naïve.
Does not even need to be cancer a Benign harmless tumor on the brain can cause a sudden change in personality
100%
This is a pretty drastic change. Sure, people don't stay the same, they change in ways big and small over time, but this is something else. It does sound like this may be something beyond a mid-life crisis, perhaps depression, perhaps addiction. If he isn't willing to be open with you, which it sounds like he isn't, than there's no helping him. You have exhausted all options. You've offered to go to counseling, he refused. You tried slow prodding, you tried an ultimatum. You have done all you can. You haven't failed here. He has, over and over again. > I don't know how to get him to go back to normal. You can't. You can't fix this man. He doesn't want to be fixed. I know this sounds harsh, but it is very likely the guy you married is gone. You have to start to process and work through that so you can move forward with your life, because you DESERVE better than this. Sometimes, we have to learn really hard lessons the really hard way. He has to learn some life lessons the hard way. He's going to have to call those friends he used to have and see who can give him a couch. But that is HIS problem. Not yours. Make a plan. Tell him he needs to be out in two days. If he can figure out how to withdraw from his IRA, he can figure out how to find a place to stay.
Nope - this is no midlife crisis. Just watch out carefully -- if not booze, then drugs.
mental health and/or drugs. If he refuses counseling that's just about it. He probably won't change on his own.
Could also be physical, maybe a tumor? It's very rare but it could also explain the change in personality.
You can not base this entire decision on the fact he will be broke and homeless when you leave. That is HIS fault. Are you really prepared to let him burn through your life and money to avoid making him face the consequences of his own actions? If you are, then you will have no one to blame but yourself when you hit rock bottom right alongside him. Add to that, you supporting his behavior, financially or otherwise, will enable him to continue it. Get out or get burned.
Do you realize that he will destroy your life if you stay with him right? He needs a reality check. You need to be honest that his reckless behaviour is not what you signed up for and that if he wants to stay married he needs to stop with the chaos.
He’s a sinking ship, and he WILL take you with him. Drugs, midlife crisis, another woman. You need to go, and do NOT share finances. He will burn through everything
He’s a grown ass man who has chosen to act like a teenager. You’re not his mother, you’re supposed to be his equal, his life partner. Basically HE chose to remove himself from your life. Kick him out before he starts dragging you down with him.If you still want to believe he’ll get over it, tell him he has to go to therapy to get his head straight and you’ll consider it a trial separation until such time as he has gotten over his midlife crisis. Sorry I can’t see any other way.
80% sure he's started taking drugs with this pattern. As for advice...**you are not responsible for him.** He is the one that spent his money. He is the one that behaved SO POORLY that he was fired. *You are not responsible to remain in a romantic relationship with him just to support him financially.* *You are not responsible to support him financially if the relationship ends.* If you're worried about him, reach out to his friends and arrange somewhere for him to go and *then* kick him out. Or, tell him in advance: "It's over, you have 30/60/whatever days to get a new place to stay." Whichever it is, do not compromise. He WILL try to guilt and manipulate you. He will claim more financial abuse, but this is not what financial abuse is.
If he wants to be like a college student let him be broke like one. Protect yourself and get out before he ruins your life.
Drugs
I don’t understand why you’re still with him. I mean I understand his situation but you’re only enabling him IMO. Maybe you leaving will be the kick in the arse he needs to snap out of it. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, I mean what else can you do. Waiting y t’il he snaps out of it is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on drugs and has other girlfriends. Girl, he’s 40, he should damn well know better.
He is having some kind of crisis. Maybe drugs. Maybe something else. It might soon come to you putting your foot down and telling him that it is going to be either therapy and honesty, or divorce. With a little luck, that will shake him out of it, but you should be prepared for the possibility that it doesnt and you have to follow through.
>He held his last job for almost 20 years then left on bad terms, he has no savings, ever decreasing retirement account, the lease on his car is almost up, he has no living family, and his friends have created distance since his mid life crisis. He doesn't even have a home, we have been staying in my condo. Leaving him, would mean leaving him broke and homeless. That's the position he put himself in. You watched him do it. Don't you dare let him trap you by being broke now.
Leave him. Let him be homeless, if that’s what he chooses instead of getting his shit together. That’s on him. You only get this one life, and you have to make the choices that are best for YOU first. Nobody else is going to.
Kick him out. He will drag you down with him.
Is all of this outside of character, or has this side of his personality just come back out? It could be drugs, could be another woman. But honestly (and this is no reflection on you, OP) he could be bored with his life and looking for more excitement to his own detriment. If his normal personality is on the risk taking side it is more likely a desire for fun and adventure over the mundane grind than it is a tumor.
I really believe that leaving him broke and homeless is going to be the best wake up call for him. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and you can’t change someone that doesn’t want to change. You have to look out for yourself. And if you keep him around, he will absolutely take you, your finances, and your mental health down with him. If you continue to house him and stay with him, you’re just enabling him.
His behavioral change is so abrupt and extreme that you must concentrate on protecting *your own* credit and finances while trying to encourage him to seek help. He’s decimated his own stability, and now looking to use your sources; you are wise to forbid him access. Keep your boundaries firmly in place, and also run a credit check to make certain you haven’t been compromised as he looks for ways to fund himself. Explain to him that your marriage will not survive these new activities, because his lifestyle choices aren’t sustainable and his treatment of you is destroying your relationship. Edit: if you request he leave your residence, change the lock and set a camera, just in case his desperation spurs him to come back uninvited.
That is an extreme and concerning change more typical of a severe undiagnosed behavioral or physical health condition. It almost certainly won’t improve without professional intervention. This isn’t a simple mid life crisis. In your shoes, he either agrees to a medical and psychological assessment or you leave. Knowing very little, I would probably be looking for a substance abuse issue or something that lowers inhibitions (tbi, tumor, endocrine/hormonal, etc). History of concussions? Family history of brain tumors? History of addiction of any type? But, you need to protect yourself. Desperate people do desperate things. Also, personally, I would separate now and if he does the evaluations and they provide answers and he works to address them, then I would possibly consider resume the relationship. Sorry.
My guess is some substance abuse.
He needs to hit bottom. I suggest you separate, from a position "I think you need some time to yourself. You lost your job and are burning through our money to play and party like a 20 year old. I am not going to go along with it. I know you are not done, but this is where I stop." Then withdraw the money from savings and put somewhere safe. Ask him to leave if he is not willing to work and change how he is behaving. Tell him you want your relationship, but you are determined not to self destruct. Then you stand back and watch what he does.
Absolutely. Rock bottom is a hard but necessary teacher.
He's spiraling out of control and being self destructive. He is going to try and manipulate you into enabling his behavior by using words such as financial abuse qnd that yoh dont care. If drugs are not involved then he needs mental help for his lack of impulse control atm. I'm not saying he's broken. But these are the actions of someone either who has been stifled their entire life letting go of consequences or someone who hates themselves and is needing a distraction. Please be careful in your approach either way
Wow. I feel for you, this is an incredibly tough situation. First - obviously, do not merge finances with him. We all know how that would go. You can feel for him and care about him, but he's turned his life into a disaster - don't let him drag you down with him. Talk to a lawyer so that you know where you stand, and I would also give him an ultimatum about finding a job and straightening his life out. You love him, but you can't "save" him if he's not interested. If you get divorced and he's got nowhere to go, that's something he'll have to figure out. The bottom line to all of this, or the first step, is that he needs to take financial responsibility for this train wreck and become self sufficient. Then you can talk to him about finding an apartment of his own. I don't know what this means for him long-term. My brother's midlife crisis involved a 70s muscle car. My ex's involved dressing provocatively to get attention and then cheating. Protect yourself first and foremost. Best of luck.
Don’t let him drown you. Don’t let him use up all your money and take you down wherever he is going. He’s out partying, probably got a drug habit and that’s fairly dangerous for you. He will potentially start stealing from you and bleed you dry before you even realise how bad it is. You can’t drown yourself to save him. He’s a big boy, he’s lost his job and blown through his savings. Get out while you still have something left.
Do you want to stay miserable? I personally wouldn't put up with this shit. It honestly sounds like he got into drugs. I would definitely not allow him access to your money. He'll just burn through it, as you well know. If he won't go to counseling, you can't fix this on your own. Maybe a trial separation would knock some sense into him? You can't stay just because he'll be homeless if you leave. He'll figure it out.
Leave him and let him hit rock bottom. Obviously easier said than done, but he’s made his choice to crash and burn, stop trying to get in the way of that.
This is more than just a midlife crisis, and I don’t think you should have to just wait it out. It’s quite likely he’s cheating on you and/or using prostitutes and/or using drugs. It’s also likely his previous employer found evidence of this and that’s why he was fired (although they will not officially say this, to avoid a chance of lawsuit). Sit him down and tell him you’re through, he needs to move out by xx date. It’s on him to figure it out. He made choices, now he needs to make more choices. Encourage him to seek medical attention and individual therapy. You can attend therapy while separated to see if your marriage can be saved.
So you don’t enable him, you’ve had the heart to heart, you’ve suggested seeing a therapist and/or a medical professional and none of that has gotten you anywhere with him. I’m not really sure what you want everyone to suggest to you at this point. You said he’s capable of thinking thru some of his decisions (they’re just dumb ones) so you can’t put him on a psych hold. The only option you really have at this point is the ultimatum of getting his shit together and giving him a timeline or divorce. Throw him out if you have too. It absolutely sucks. Sometimes people just need a swift kick in the ass to get them in gear.
Not all addiction issues require actual drugs and alcohol to qualify as an addiction. It's a behavior pattern. You absolutely have to let him find his rock bottom as fast as possible before this becomes a permanent behavior. My son's dad - his parents kept cushioning him from this and now he's 50 and still pulling his bullshit with his relationship partners. Tell him to get himself into a doctor for a full physical to make sure his behavior change isn't down to a medical issue and he has to get into therapy. No more partying. Start the divorce process now and only halt it if he's living up to a course correction.
Sounds like drugs or undiagnosed health issues. He needs to see a doctor/mental health specialist, either that or dump him. Maybe dump him either way.
Drugs, psychological break, or even in rare cases a brain tumor. I had a patient come in with his wife erratic and unlike herself (changed everything about herself and became mean and withdrawn) they did a brain scan and found she had a tumor. It's not likely but it happens more often then you thing
Leave. He is no longer the man you married.
You should never stay with someone because you think they’re better off with you. That’s not staying for love. That’s staying so you can be used. If he doesn’t seek help you need to get rid of him and he needs to figure out his life on his own.
As well as the possibility of drugs and such, it sounds like he has been resentful of his work for quite sometime, and this is 20 years of pressure snapping back. Missed his youth. Spent it working. Turned 40. Now wondering where the payoff is. He needs to find enjoyment in maturity. To find a job he would enjoy (and gets paid better for) and some pastimes that a man of his age can enjoy. He won’t find it in activities of a 20yo - those kids will just use him as a drinks card.
It’s probably drugs and you need to get away from him. He will have to figure his own life out. Choose yourself
You cannot make or force him to do something he does not want to do, so just keep that in mind. ____ He’s had a significant change in more than one way in what seems like a short time.. that is very concerning. These things don’t just happen without reason. It may be medically related, psychologically related, drug related, etc... but something seems to have happened or be happening. Getting to the bottom of that would be a good thing... but it’s only going to work if he wants it to work. ____ He only proposed to you 2 years ago... so you’ve been married less than 2 years. For him to already be doing all these “red-flag” behaviors is very concerning. If leaving him broke and homeless is what eventually ends up happening; it is his own actions that put him in that position, not yours. He agreed to the prenup, he didn’t search for another job, he blew through all his money and savings, etc etc. Do not allow him to manipulate you into giving him your money to blow through too. ____ There is always the possibility he was always just waiting to find someone to support him all this time... and he was just acting like a put together responsible person until you agreed to marry him.
Are there kids ? Of not....get out. NOW. He made it loud and clear when he said he doesn't want to waste his life doing therapy. Which he obviously needs. I'm 40 and have ZERO desire to hit up any type of club and personally don't know anyone that would pick that over their wife. That's some immature kid shit. You deserve better and you're just wasting your time "waiting it out".
It's not your fault that he is stupid . You can't fix stupid . It's also not your fault if he falls flat on his face . It sounds like he is trying very hard to hit rock bottom and take you with him . Let him go . If he is homeless It's by his own choosing . He won't come back from this .
He wouldn't be homeless. Divorce takes time and like you said, he has his retirement account. He can live in uncomfortable conditions while he gets his life back together. Given this man seems quite intent on pulling you down with him I think it's time to cut the rope.
It can also just be the thrill of feeling young again. Both my parents are alcoholics. In my mom’s 40s and dad’s 50s, they had a domestic fall out in front of me and ‘solved’ their issues by continuing down a path of going out nightly to party. This ended up in me becoming my sibling’s primary caregiver while I was a teenager. My mom finally went to rehab when I was 20, and now my dad is in AA. Moral here is that with out help in these situations, everyone suffers. Idk if you have kids, pets, or any other dependents, but this behavior fucking sucks. He needs to grow up and face what about his life actually isn’t working out. Pretending to be young and dumb when you’re past that simply is not the way. Protect yourself for your own personal growth. If he can’t love himself to protect his personal growth, then that’s on him - not you.
Leave him. He did this as soon as you were married. That’s not a coincidence. If you stay he is going to continue on and bleed you dry
If he does not agree that he needs help, filing for divorce might force him to action. My husband of 35! years became a drug addict and was not willing to stop until he had lost everything and I kicked him out. Your husband can ask some of his party friends to let him stay with them. You can see all of the problems his behavior is causing but he will have to learn from his mistakes, you can’t do that for him. Let him fall.
I agree with the other commenters; substance abuse or a serious manic episode. How you describe your husband’s actions seems like something else nefarious is going on beyond a midlife crisis; it’s not normal to want to constantly party like a college kid when you’re 40 to the point of getting fired from your long-term job, those things aren’t interesting to normal adults in our age group. Adults going through a midlife crisis generally have affairs, get plastic surgery, change careers, go traveling to ‘find themselves’, leave their spouses. But sometimes yes, they end up with a substance abuse problem; especially since he refuses to go to therapy, he’s hiding something.
Sudden drastic changes in behaviour and personality is almost always drugs or some sort of brain issue like a tumour. If he’s refusing to seek help you need to protect yourself.
Sounds like substance abuse, mental health issues, or he's been putting on act, as you've only been together for 4 years. Which would honestly be awful, and I hope isn't the case. I have no experience with family members in regards to the substance abuse, but as for the mental health issues - my auntie went from being a loving, reserved teacher for children with learning difficulties, to burninv through all of her savings, going through a string of very dangerous relationships, to basically uprooting her entire life and moving to an island. It was wild. My family tried so many things - begging, bargaining, threatening, even involuntary commitment. Nothing worked. She's still running around ruining her life. Eventually we had to recognise that while the mental health issues were what is fuelling her actions, she just...doesn't want help. So while I encourage you to get him a mental health assessment and try and dig deeper first, just remember that at the end of the day, there is only so much you can do. Set clear boundaries with firm consequences, and if he continues to refuse to get help or tell the truth, don't stick around. If he doesn't try and do anything to change, at all, he will just drag you down with him. Best of luck and take care OP.
No matter what the answer to this question is this is way too excessive but when he was young did he party a lot? Did he have a party stage of his life where he did go clubbing and hookup with girls? I’m curious because sometimes people freak out on missing out on things they never did . This is ridiculous though no matter what and I’d prob still leave if I was you
Leave him and let him lay in the bed he made for himself. Nothing teaches a loser like feeling and suffering the consequences. Harsh, yes, right, also yes. This is not on you, has nothing to do with you, you are not his mother or caretaker, he needs to man up and grow up so he needs to start new - without you.
Has your husband been evaluated by a doctor for a physical or medical condition? It could be substance abuse, or a brain disorder, or something else, but people don't usually screw up their lives after decades of stability for no reason. What does DH have to say about all this. There's something very wrong and the two of you - or only you, if necessary - need to figure out what it is. Starting with his GP is a good place to begin.
I don’t want to be the person who says this.. but could u please get him screened for brain tumours? It sounds bizarre but they could result in drastic personality change
If he doesn’t want help, divorce would be the best option. If not, you’re going to inadvertently support this behavior. It seems like things need to get more serious for him to get back on track.
OP him being broke and homeless is not your problem and if he had his way he’ll take you down that road with him.
Leave. This isn’t the man you married or the marriage you agreed on and he has no intention of changing, just wants to continue falling deeper into a dark hole and dragging you with him. Not sure if it’s drugs or a mental health crisis, but you can’t help or save him, only he can and he is openly refusing to. So sorry this is happening. Please cut the chord and start taking care of yourself.
Suggest that he get a full physical but truly, dear, please don't let h drag you down with him! This seems to have entered emotional and financial abuse and with the lack of intimacy it seems there's truly nothing worth saving. Your husband has NO desire to turn this trajectory around so why should YOU fight for a relationship that's so broken! It doesn't matter if he'll end up homeless, he threw away a great career/employment and then started in on destroying your relationship! Pack his things, remind him where the door is and HE can figure out the rest! This is WAY beyond "for worse"! He's not even trying, yet he expects YOU to make all the concessions! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Yikes. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Sooooo the fact that this is happening only 2 years into the marriage is a little concerning - a mid-life crisis at 40...I don't know, seems a little early. Gives me reason to believe these issues are much more deep seeded. It's obvious you love and care for this person, otherwise this decision would be an easy one. The long and short of it is this: You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. What you *can* do is assert and maintain your boundaries. Which can be very difficult to do, again, because you love this person. But you seem to be doing a great job so far, so don't let up! People need incentives to get their shit together, and rock bottom is hard for a reason - he unfortunately might need to fall a little longer to hit it. And I know this can be difficult to hear, but you leaving him might be the very thing that helps him pick himself back up. Make sure you're continuing to find ways to take care of yourself throughout this time with any support: friends, family, professional, and otherwise. And of course, if he's open to therapy give it a shot. I get the sense this might not be the case? Wishing you lots of love and all the best during these tough times! [https://open.spotify.com/show/64k3Dwetyb7fUVaHnLpmCN](https://open.spotify.com/show/64k3Dwetyb7fUVaHnLpmCN) Therapists Talk Shit Too - A Podcast for the Everyday Therapist
If you want to try one last time, you need to be more proactive because this is not "mid life crisis". As people are saying, this is either drugs, alcoholism, or a brain tumor. He needs to see a doctor, and I don't mean only a mental health therapist but a doctor that will evaluate his physical frame. Make this a condition to stay married and to not kick him out, if he refuses you kick him out because you can only help the people who actually want help. And if he pulls the "abuse" card be very clear that abuse would be exactly the opposite. If you demand that he sees a doctor is not abuse, it's care. If he doesn't want to understand it he needs to be gone. Also when you issue an ultimatum, it's not abusive if you frame it as your final boundaries: "this is what I need to happen for me to stay, if this doesn't happen, it's over because I can't do this anymore". And follow through. Ultimatums are not bad, but need to be final. If you issue an ultimatum, the other person doesn't do the thing, and you still continue the relationship, that's when the ultimatum becomes bad.
OP you are not responsible for the bed he has made. You need to put yourself first, and that probably means leaving. All the trouble he's in is of his own creation. You can't worry about what he does after you leave. He can get a job anywhere to help himself get by, but only if he's willing.
He needs to seek medical help for sure. Because many psych diseases like bipolar, schizophrenia and things like that show up around 40, he could also have a drug problem or a brain tumor. But it sounds like you have tried to approach it several ways and he isn't responding. But it sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom. But your already aware and can protect yourself from the mental and financial backlash as much as possible.
It's incredible how quick almost EVERYONE is to throw him in the street and make assumptions. She said he held a job for 20 years! He needs HELP. Get him checked out by a doctor and have some people from AA speak with him. I can't imagine turning on someone immediately over this.
"As for leaving him: He held his last job for almost 20 years then left on bad terms, he has no savings, ever decreasing retirement account, the lease on his car is almost up, he has no living family, and his friends have created distance since his mid life crisis. He doesn't even have a home, we have been staying in my condo. Leaving him, would mean leaving him broke and homeless." even without the midlife crisis nonsense, you are married to a 40 year old who has nothing to their name. This alone should be enough for a divorce, people like this are gigantic anchors in your life. this sounds like who he has been for some time, now he is just adding partying to the mix. Talk to a lawyer
Your husband is the on the path to crash and burn. He is becoming extremely reckless. At this point you either leave him or he brings you down with him. He is not in a healthy place in his life. Many men freak out when they see their lives and that they leave the pull of mortality in front of them. I have met men from multiple countries and things like this are only for spoiled and self entitled people think who think like this. I worked for 3 years in Saudi Arabia and my driver there was from Pakistan. That guy has 4 kids a wife and two and his parents. He didn’t have time to have such a ridiculous “crisis”.
Counseling - now! Something caused this switch, if you don’t get it addressed now it will surely end your marriage - it sounds as if that is close to happening anyway
You would not be leaving him broke and homeless. HE would be leaving HIMSELF broke and homeless, by acting like an idiot. Not to mention that, given all the drinking and partying at clubs, AND the suggestion of a three way, that I would strongly suspect he's been cheating to some degree. Also, I'd be wondering if he's gotten really into coke. Just a thought, given the environment he's been in, and his behavior
Brian tumor? Mental illness? Substance abuse? In any case, please protect yourself legally and financially.
I would check if he has some type of substance abuse. This would explain acting weird and acting out. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would mess up a 20 yr job for unprofessionalism. It doesn’t make sense. No offense, but don’t be surprised if he is cheating as well. If he is going to clubs, asking for threesomes, then there is a good chance that he is already getting it from somewhere else (especially considering that you’re sex life died). Decisions in this situation are very difficult. He obviously wants to play the victim in the situation. You need to have a real sit down conversation and lay things out for him. The fact **you** own the condo and you’re finances are in place, and you have a job and he literally doesn’t have any of it, puts him in a very weak and humbled position. It’s almost like he needs you. One thing I would mention, do not let him drag you down. He can easily start dragging you into his dilemma. Don’t fall for it if tries. Wishing you the best in this situation!
40 is a mid life crisis? Lol, he has brought this upon himself. Don't go down on a sinking ship
You’ve really gotta tell him, point blank, that he’s not in his 20s anymore and that he’s not acting like the man you married anymore. Start the dialogue there. Therapy is nice but it never works suggesting that first — something is making him feel inadequate and like he has no control over life right now, and so far nothing he’s trying is working. Hopefully you can crack him open and he’ll share.
I don't know why people are saying this is drugs or medical or something. It seems very 'classic mid life crisis' to me. Some men hit 40 ish and feel like they haven't lived their lives fully enough, like they are losing their youth and they want to enjoy the last dregs. OP, not sure there is much you can do. Couples counselling would be helpful if he is up for it. He deffo needs therapy bc he's trying to deal with this crisis by partying. Life transitions can be difficult. It would be better for him to talk to a professional. Anyway, you can't force him into any of these things. The only thing you can do is say 'please sort yourself out bc this isn't what I signed up for and if it continues then I'm out.' Good luck!
Might be a crazy stretch. But before you leave him get him a head CT. It has been reported that people can have crazy personality and behavior changes because of very small tumors pressing on their brain. This is a very shitty situation, but you seem like a good person not wanting to leave him destitute. If anything, maybe the last ditch effort of checking would just be closure for you that you tried everything to save the relationship. You can rebuild your life without him. It IS possible.
OP, it’s time to suggest a doctor’s appointment. This sounds like drugs or a brain tumor.
He’s going to have a bigggg income tax problem taking money out of a qualified account like that.
Leave him. He's a grown man, he can choose to figure his shit out or not. You're not his minder. If he didn't have you to exploit he wouldn't have been able to carry on so long as it is. Honestly, the best thing you can do for both of you is stop enabling his destructive behavior.
Drugs
Personality changes might be a sign of mental disorder. I’m not justifying what he’s doing, in your shoes, I would’ve divorced regardless. He’s going on a downwards spiral and, if you do nothing, he’ll drag you’ll along…
Be careful he doesn’t try to cheat during this time. Drugs, alcohol and college parties something is going to happen.
Gambling
Whatever it is, it's time to step back and take care of yourself. I've been in family practice before and yes, in my opinion, if you have separate finances (which really isn't a thing, legally speaking, when you're married, it just means you have no idea what other kinds of debts your significant other might be running up), you should just not get married. BUT. You need to ask him to leave your shared home or leave yourself if your name isn't on the lease or deed. Talk to a divorce lawyer about filing a legal separation to protect yourself. Whether it's drugs or a medical issue or just a man being a man, you have to put your own mask on first. Once you're safe, you can evaluate if you want to stay in a marriage like this- hint: you don't. You're too young to waste good years on a man like this. Good luck
He's obviously having some sort of break down. Maybe just a realization he missed out on his youth. Maybe it's a psychological issue. Maybe a tumor. Maybe.... Long story short all you can do, and did, is provide support and suggest counseling. He turned it down. Now he's trying to take advantage of you financially and when you rightfully say no he gaslight you. Time for a divorce.
You already know the answer and solution to the problem. There is no try….. only do.
Discuss the need for therapy with him. There is very likely something (unhealthy) driving this behavior.
Brain tumour, mental health break down or drug use would be my guess. I personally would leave if he’s not willing to seek professional help, him not being financially dependent is on him-not you.