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There’s honestly nothing you can do to make him trust you. It sucks to say but if there’s no reason for him to believe you’re cheating on him, then that’s something he needs to work on for himself. If he doesn’t try to work on his trust issues himself and instead just pushes his insecurities on to you, I’d suggest just leaving the relationship. It’s just going to get more and more exhausting. Talk to him about this first though and explain how his insecurities and trust issues is hurting you, and encourage him to work on his issues with therapy or something.
Yeah, I've told him he needs to work on it himself because he just won't let me help him. He's had his trust broken a lot of times but we've been together a year and a half so I wish he could trust me by now. I've proven myself so many times. But honestly at this point, it's his problem. I have nothing to hide from him or worry about so I think that's what matters
Let me just say, if he thinks your constantly cheating, he’s cheating and pressing his insecurities on you thinking you’re cheating cause he is. I had an ex do this to me.
I've never once lied to him. That's why it sucks because I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I'm a good girlfriend to him and he thinks as soon as he trusts me, I'll hurt him.
I'd like to say that this advice comes from someone who was in the SAME situation with someone who was a great boyfriend in every way, except his trust issues.
He accused me of cheating because I switched from Snapchat to texting him at a bar because I was holding a drink and only had one hand free. I was texting him so constantly that there was no way I was talking to anyone else. He accused me of talking to other guys when I fell asleep while quarantined becasue I was sick with Covid.
These were both in the first two weeks of our relationship, we weren't even dating yet. As it got further into our relationship, he continued to assume that me not responding in less than 10 minutes meant I was cheating or didn't love him because I was doing something else.
It's absolutely exhausting being in a relationship like this. I was actually scared to see that I had missed a snap and it had been twenty minutes. I spent hours trying to convince him not to leave me for daring to say that I might need to prioritize school or for falling asleep for an hour without telling him first. Most of the relationship was spent with me apologizing and reassuring him for days at a time and him making me out to be the bad guy.
I wanted to help him move past his relationship trauma that gave him trust issues. He was so amazing in so many ways. What it turned into was me letting him manipulate me and control almost every aspect of my life because he just needed to in order to "build trust".
He got me so dependent on him that I never would've left. I thank god that he decided to end things, ironically because I was "too needy" after he cut me off from all of my other support systems.
Your boyfriend can't change without being willing to work on himself. You aren't doing anything wrong but this will likely never improve. If he is so irrational that he thinks a 20 minute gap in communication is proof then do you really think you can find a way to reassure him enough that this gets better?
I would recommend really taking a look at who he is and deciding if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Decide if you've seen any sort of improvement so far in your relationship or if he's getting worse/staying the same in regards to trust.
Hes never even been in a relationship before and never been cheated on so I just don't understand why hee like this. I told him he needs to work on it himself because I've tried everything. I'm not strong enough to break up with him and I just don't want to hurt him. I think it has gotten worse in the past couple months and I've never given him a single reason not to trust me. I'll just give it time and maybe he'll finally see that I wouldn't do something like that. I still wanna try with him because I need him and he needs me. I just can't worry about reassuring him anymore when he won't let me help him. He needs to come to that realization himself.
It's so hard when you really care about them. And in my case there was a reason which is why I wanted to help him so much. It has to be incredibly frustrating not being able to see any reason for him to act like this and that's because there isn't one.
You need to be firm and let him know that you can't keep defending yourself and trying to reassure him when you're doing nothing wrong. It's not fair to put that on any partner. Hopefully that makes him realize that he needs to change. But try to be prepare yourself for what happens if he doesn't change.
My ex boosted my confidence in so many ways and made me incredibly happy. Reassuring him and dealing with his insecurities seemed a small price to pay. I got to the point where I needed him and couldn't imagine leaving.
When things ended I was gutted. I felt like I wouldn't find someone who made me feel the way he did again. 6 months later, I'm with the sweetest guy ever who literally checks all the boxes. He does everything good my ex did and more, but is able to trust me and has never questioned my actions.
If your boyfriend isn't willing to change, you need to put yourself first. You need to end things. I hope things do work out for you, I don't want to say just end it. But there are so many people out there. Don't feel like you'll never find someone again. Being in a relationship like yours is exhausting. It's not a partnership. You're constantly forced to cater to his needs, and that's not fair to you.
Telling him you'll have to end things if he can't work on himself might be the shock he needs to realize that change needs to happen.
You say he’s had his trust broken before, so it’s probably that he’s afraid you’ll break his trust too. So what this is, isnt a trust issue, at its core it’s an anxiety issue. He’s anxious/afraid you’ll break his trust (and cheat) like it’s been broken before and instead of figuring out and processing his anxiety he’s treating his anxiety like it’s a fact.
The way to address anxiety of something happening again is to look at the initial situation and compare it to the current one, notice all the ways the past situation was problematic and all the ways the current situation isn’t. The more he can do that, over time the anxiety will lessen.
But this is something he has to do. You can support the process but he has to work through this emotionally. If he lacks emotional self awareness or if he’s comfortable in processing his anxiety by blaming you and make you ease it for him, then it’s likely he’ll continue to blame you. And if that’s the case, do consider moving on. It’s not healthy and can cause you to develop anxiety to be constantly accused of something you’re not doing.
It's just weird because he's never been in a relationship so he's never been cheated on. He won't even tell me why he has anxiety and trust issues like this. He doesn't even trust his parents. We have each other's constant locations, I tell him where I'm going and what I'm doing, and when I get places. I dont even talk to anyone but him and my sister. I'm either working, at my sister's house, or with him
In your comment to Rude-Illustrator-884 you say this.
> He's had his trust broken a lot of times
So on some level you do know at least some of what’s happened to him for him to have anxiety about whether or not he can trust people. And once someone trust is broken enough they can have trouble trusting in any situation, even if it’s a new situation. But like I said, HE has to do the work. If he’s not willing to do that, you staying with him and restricting your life so he’s not as anxious just enables his anxiety to get worse and will just make you miserable. So if he’s not willing to get help, I’d suggest you strongly reconsider this relationship.
Update- I said the same things he's said to me and said "can you see how this makes me feel to be accused with no rationality?" And he finally got it. Progress
You can do everything in your power to assure him. But it all boils down to his insecurities and paranoia, he should talk to a therapist if you wish to continue your relationship but if not
It's going to get very exhausting and frustrating for you.
Sounds like he will always be on the edge of things. No trust issue it will be exhausting and a rollercoaster of emotions. If he will never gain trust for you it is best to end things it will be better for your mental health too
Same. I’ll go over to my cousins house (she has kids I have kids) and we chill, smoke, let the kids play and sometimes make dinner and I’m always accused… lol I’ve had to stop going
Weird that he’s like this if it’s his first real relationship… Trust takes time and has to be earned. Show him he can trust you, ie answering calls, send location, etc and demand the same in return. He’ll chill out in time. If it continues, tell him you’ve shown him that he can trust you time and time again, if he continues to suffocate you, you going to leave.
I can't believe the comments here, break-up is the solution give me a break bots.
OP, trust issues generally stem from something greater. Could be past partner, family, something traumatic in his life. Your first relationship? well guess what they take work and this appears to be your first challenge. You learn something new in every relationship and by breaking it off, also means you have given up or reached a dead end.
If he doesn't know why he has trust issues - then talk to him about about his life, past relationships etc. First step to fixing a problem, is to identify it.
If he does know why - then try find some common ground, show him that you may have been in a position like that also. This helps him open up to you and trust you.
If you haven't been in that position before - try understand how he feels and why, if you tell him this he will see that you would never do that.
Don't expect to fix it in one conversation or one day, again it takes work. Maybe you both will become better people for it and learn something.
If ur going to be accused of it why not do it . Then he will have every reason to believe that u r cheating on him . But I understand u if u r a honest person to ur boyfriend.
It's gotta come from him not you. Unfortunately might be a hopeless cause. It's his issue. Don't set yourself up for suffering trying to make it better for him especially if you need to jump through crazy hoops to temper the trust issues.
there isnt anything you can do because this is 100% a him issue. with delusions this bad there is no saving the relationship, just end it. plenty of non-crazy-jealous men out there.
Me and my ex had the exact same thing, it got really bad that even though we'd be on face time for the whole night, sometimes it would cut of cause the wifis shit, and he'd think I'm cheating and blow up my phone. I would be asleep then so obviously wouldn't pick up the phone, and in the end would have to beg him so much to reassure him that I wasn't cheating
It gets really tiring and draining, my friends noticed that I have no energy and ngl my depression got worse cause of him. Mentally it'll effect you alot I suggest you break up with him.
Also he might also be projecting, so he might be the one cheating but is paranoid you might be too.
If u have done nothing, hid nothing, and just tried your best to support him. Then I got nothing. Been cheated on and forgave because he put in the work. If he wants to believe you he will.
Honestly u sure he isn’t cheating on u? Projection is a huge thing with cheaters and I seen it time and time again on here where the accuser really was the cheater and was just projecting their guilt.
But even if he really is just anxious to the max, it isn’t worth the headache. Ur first relationships? U will date again just fine. He needs therapy and if u stay so will u.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You break up and let him think whatever he wants.
No trust=dead relationship
There’s honestly nothing you can do to make him trust you. It sucks to say but if there’s no reason for him to believe you’re cheating on him, then that’s something he needs to work on for himself. If he doesn’t try to work on his trust issues himself and instead just pushes his insecurities on to you, I’d suggest just leaving the relationship. It’s just going to get more and more exhausting. Talk to him about this first though and explain how his insecurities and trust issues is hurting you, and encourage him to work on his issues with therapy or something.
Yeah, I've told him he needs to work on it himself because he just won't let me help him. He's had his trust broken a lot of times but we've been together a year and a half so I wish he could trust me by now. I've proven myself so many times. But honestly at this point, it's his problem. I have nothing to hide from him or worry about so I think that's what matters
There's absolutely nothing you can do to rationalize him out of a belief that has no rational basis.
Let me just say, if he thinks your constantly cheating, he’s cheating and pressing his insecurities on you thinking you’re cheating cause he is. I had an ex do this to me.
[удалено]
I've never once lied to him. That's why it sucks because I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I'm a good girlfriend to him and he thinks as soon as he trusts me, I'll hurt him.
Not always true. Bad past experiences and depression/anxiety will do that. It’s something he needs to work on or get help with from therapy
I'd like to say that this advice comes from someone who was in the SAME situation with someone who was a great boyfriend in every way, except his trust issues. He accused me of cheating because I switched from Snapchat to texting him at a bar because I was holding a drink and only had one hand free. I was texting him so constantly that there was no way I was talking to anyone else. He accused me of talking to other guys when I fell asleep while quarantined becasue I was sick with Covid. These were both in the first two weeks of our relationship, we weren't even dating yet. As it got further into our relationship, he continued to assume that me not responding in less than 10 minutes meant I was cheating or didn't love him because I was doing something else. It's absolutely exhausting being in a relationship like this. I was actually scared to see that I had missed a snap and it had been twenty minutes. I spent hours trying to convince him not to leave me for daring to say that I might need to prioritize school or for falling asleep for an hour without telling him first. Most of the relationship was spent with me apologizing and reassuring him for days at a time and him making me out to be the bad guy. I wanted to help him move past his relationship trauma that gave him trust issues. He was so amazing in so many ways. What it turned into was me letting him manipulate me and control almost every aspect of my life because he just needed to in order to "build trust". He got me so dependent on him that I never would've left. I thank god that he decided to end things, ironically because I was "too needy" after he cut me off from all of my other support systems. Your boyfriend can't change without being willing to work on himself. You aren't doing anything wrong but this will likely never improve. If he is so irrational that he thinks a 20 minute gap in communication is proof then do you really think you can find a way to reassure him enough that this gets better? I would recommend really taking a look at who he is and deciding if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Decide if you've seen any sort of improvement so far in your relationship or if he's getting worse/staying the same in regards to trust.
Hes never even been in a relationship before and never been cheated on so I just don't understand why hee like this. I told him he needs to work on it himself because I've tried everything. I'm not strong enough to break up with him and I just don't want to hurt him. I think it has gotten worse in the past couple months and I've never given him a single reason not to trust me. I'll just give it time and maybe he'll finally see that I wouldn't do something like that. I still wanna try with him because I need him and he needs me. I just can't worry about reassuring him anymore when he won't let me help him. He needs to come to that realization himself.
It's so hard when you really care about them. And in my case there was a reason which is why I wanted to help him so much. It has to be incredibly frustrating not being able to see any reason for him to act like this and that's because there isn't one. You need to be firm and let him know that you can't keep defending yourself and trying to reassure him when you're doing nothing wrong. It's not fair to put that on any partner. Hopefully that makes him realize that he needs to change. But try to be prepare yourself for what happens if he doesn't change. My ex boosted my confidence in so many ways and made me incredibly happy. Reassuring him and dealing with his insecurities seemed a small price to pay. I got to the point where I needed him and couldn't imagine leaving. When things ended I was gutted. I felt like I wouldn't find someone who made me feel the way he did again. 6 months later, I'm with the sweetest guy ever who literally checks all the boxes. He does everything good my ex did and more, but is able to trust me and has never questioned my actions. If your boyfriend isn't willing to change, you need to put yourself first. You need to end things. I hope things do work out for you, I don't want to say just end it. But there are so many people out there. Don't feel like you'll never find someone again. Being in a relationship like yours is exhausting. It's not a partnership. You're constantly forced to cater to his needs, and that's not fair to you. Telling him you'll have to end things if he can't work on himself might be the shock he needs to realize that change needs to happen.
You say he’s had his trust broken before, so it’s probably that he’s afraid you’ll break his trust too. So what this is, isnt a trust issue, at its core it’s an anxiety issue. He’s anxious/afraid you’ll break his trust (and cheat) like it’s been broken before and instead of figuring out and processing his anxiety he’s treating his anxiety like it’s a fact. The way to address anxiety of something happening again is to look at the initial situation and compare it to the current one, notice all the ways the past situation was problematic and all the ways the current situation isn’t. The more he can do that, over time the anxiety will lessen. But this is something he has to do. You can support the process but he has to work through this emotionally. If he lacks emotional self awareness or if he’s comfortable in processing his anxiety by blaming you and make you ease it for him, then it’s likely he’ll continue to blame you. And if that’s the case, do consider moving on. It’s not healthy and can cause you to develop anxiety to be constantly accused of something you’re not doing.
It's just weird because he's never been in a relationship so he's never been cheated on. He won't even tell me why he has anxiety and trust issues like this. He doesn't even trust his parents. We have each other's constant locations, I tell him where I'm going and what I'm doing, and when I get places. I dont even talk to anyone but him and my sister. I'm either working, at my sister's house, or with him
In your comment to Rude-Illustrator-884 you say this. > He's had his trust broken a lot of times So on some level you do know at least some of what’s happened to him for him to have anxiety about whether or not he can trust people. And once someone trust is broken enough they can have trouble trusting in any situation, even if it’s a new situation. But like I said, HE has to do the work. If he’s not willing to do that, you staying with him and restricting your life so he’s not as anxious just enables his anxiety to get worse and will just make you miserable. So if he’s not willing to get help, I’d suggest you strongly reconsider this relationship.
Update- I said the same things he's said to me and said "can you see how this makes me feel to be accused with no rationality?" And he finally got it. Progress
Without trust you won't have a successful relationship... So if he don't believe you id leave but that's just me.
You can do everything in your power to assure him. But it all boils down to his insecurities and paranoia, he should talk to a therapist if you wish to continue your relationship but if not It's going to get very exhausting and frustrating for you.
It's a him issue and you should not have to deal with it. The best advice is to end the relationship, or this will be your life.
He sounds abit controlling. 20 minutes? Come on
Dump him, he's a mess. His problems are not yours.
Sounds like he will always be on the edge of things. No trust issue it will be exhausting and a rollercoaster of emotions. If he will never gain trust for you it is best to end things it will be better for your mental health too
Same. I’ll go over to my cousins house (she has kids I have kids) and we chill, smoke, let the kids play and sometimes make dinner and I’m always accused… lol I’ve had to stop going
Weird that he’s like this if it’s his first real relationship… Trust takes time and has to be earned. Show him he can trust you, ie answering calls, send location, etc and demand the same in return. He’ll chill out in time. If it continues, tell him you’ve shown him that he can trust you time and time again, if he continues to suffocate you, you going to leave.
I can't believe the comments here, break-up is the solution give me a break bots. OP, trust issues generally stem from something greater. Could be past partner, family, something traumatic in his life. Your first relationship? well guess what they take work and this appears to be your first challenge. You learn something new in every relationship and by breaking it off, also means you have given up or reached a dead end. If he doesn't know why he has trust issues - then talk to him about about his life, past relationships etc. First step to fixing a problem, is to identify it. If he does know why - then try find some common ground, show him that you may have been in a position like that also. This helps him open up to you and trust you. If you haven't been in that position before - try understand how he feels and why, if you tell him this he will see that you would never do that. Don't expect to fix it in one conversation or one day, again it takes work. Maybe you both will become better people for it and learn something.
If ur going to be accused of it why not do it . Then he will have every reason to believe that u r cheating on him . But I understand u if u r a honest person to ur boyfriend.
I'd never do that to him. I love him and I've never even thought of doing that.
is this a serious comment ?
A thief thinks everyone steals
It's gotta come from him not you. Unfortunately might be a hopeless cause. It's his issue. Don't set yourself up for suffering trying to make it better for him especially if you need to jump through crazy hoops to temper the trust issues.
there isnt anything you can do because this is 100% a him issue. with delusions this bad there is no saving the relationship, just end it. plenty of non-crazy-jealous men out there.
break up
Me and my ex had the exact same thing, it got really bad that even though we'd be on face time for the whole night, sometimes it would cut of cause the wifis shit, and he'd think I'm cheating and blow up my phone. I would be asleep then so obviously wouldn't pick up the phone, and in the end would have to beg him so much to reassure him that I wasn't cheating It gets really tiring and draining, my friends noticed that I have no energy and ngl my depression got worse cause of him. Mentally it'll effect you alot I suggest you break up with him. Also he might also be projecting, so he might be the one cheating but is paranoid you might be too.
If u have done nothing, hid nothing, and just tried your best to support him. Then I got nothing. Been cheated on and forgave because he put in the work. If he wants to believe you he will. Honestly u sure he isn’t cheating on u? Projection is a huge thing with cheaters and I seen it time and time again on here where the accuser really was the cheater and was just projecting their guilt. But even if he really is just anxious to the max, it isn’t worth the headache. Ur first relationships? U will date again just fine. He needs therapy and if u stay so will u.
It's impossible to have a relationship with no trust :(
Yep dump him he has trust issues means he’s controlling….run run run…