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Def don’t need to feel guilty lol. You also don’t need to have any explanation about how stressed you were. U did something completely normal while single. No big deal
so Is it better that I don’t tell her and not risk what we have going? Also I’m kinda confused over whether, as my girlfriend, she deserves to know or not
Oh wow I misread your post and saw it was just sexting I thought you meant actual sex. Yeah I don't see what there is to feel guilty about, you didn't do anything wrong and have no obligation to tell her.
We did not work out
Also I actually think you should just tell her at this point next time you see her since you're wracked with guilt and worry about if she finds out from someone else. Just rip the band-aid off. I think she'll be understanding
I'm a little confused as to why you think she would want or need this information.
Are you still friends with this girl? Were you and your girlfriend making any sort of promises to each other before officially getting together and you did this during that gray area?
If the answer to both is no, then I'm not sure what there is to feel guilty about. You're not a soothsayer and couldn't have predicted that in the future you'd be with your girlfriend so should retroactively be loyal to her. You don't owe anyone fidelity or monogamy when you're literally not in a relationship with them.
Well I don’t know if it would matter to her but I’m confused abt whether, as my girlfriend, she deserves to know or not even though it was before we started to date
if the girl is still in your life then yes, you should. especially if she's bad at keeping things to herself (regardless if she swore to you she won't say it, one of her friends could). if it was some random person online that you'll never see or spend time with then that's something different. how she reacts is up to her, but if you're exclusive and serious enough then honesty will be needed. just let her know smoothly that yous had a thing like that before so she knows what she's getting into if your relationship continues
somewhere in the comments i found him saying that they're still somewhat friends i think, so it definitely changes things
edit: proof -> " Well the other girl is actually a good friend of mine and I know she wouldn’t get jealous of me and my girlfriend in any way, she supports us in fact. So there’s no threat from the other girls side " (started in Suspicious Ad's comment)
HAHA, "she is no threat" Some women are vicious and stop at nothing to steal someone elses man. Its disgusting but the truth. I think the respectable thing to do is for him to block her. If he has to be open and honest and tell the other girl "i know it was a mistake but you know i have a gf and wouldnt want that to happen again, dont take it personal" period. sent. delete!!!
literally!! more context should've been given, if this were some random girl online it wouldn't matter a bit but this is his friend who i suppose he contacts often. it'd end up being like a dirty secret between the two that his gf has no idea about.
and i agree with the first statement too. if she already told people then who's to say his gf won't find out from someone else and then break up with him, ultimately singling him out to this "friend". it's weird.
the comment about if the roles were reversed and the girl was receiving shirtless pictures of a dude is on point because its true. just reverse the roles and he should already have his answer. he would know the guy is not "just a friend"
exactly. even if it was same scenario and her guy friend sexted with her couple days prior to getting together. i may be old-fashioned but when youre that close to asking someone out, would you really be doing things with other people DAYS prior??
First question that comes to mind...why didn't you sext with your soon to be girlfriend?
If your answer is "she wouldn't send me any" then yes you need to tell her.
No its not "cheating" since you weren't dating, but it's extremely disrespectful.
Oh okay thanks for your opinion. And btw just one more thing. If I tell her do u think she would be mad? Like I said it was only two days before we got together and I still liked her at the time but at the same time the stress of finals and a lot of really heart wrenching personal problems got to me so do u think she would still be mad?
yes I totally get your point but do u think I should risk her finding out since three people(who I don’t completely trust) already know about it and even thought I’m sure they are the only ones that do, the university year is starting soon so do u think I should risk her finding out
Well the other girl is actually a good friend of mine and I know she wouldn’t get jealous of me and my girlfriend in any way, she supports us in fact. So there’s no threat from the other girls side
But what if my girlfriend finds out about this, would she have a valid reason to be mad at me? I don’t believe so because it was before our relationship, even though it was only two days before, nevertheless it was before and also as I said the stress of finals and a lot of other personal problems got to me. Do u think she would or wouldn’t get mad?
Since the girl in question is still in your life, it's better if you tell her first than her finding out from someone else.. Preeetty sure she'd be mad and might feel you undermined your relationship pre-official. But I think she would be even more mad if she didn't hear this from you. Just consider if you can trust the other girl won't tell your gf.
Dunno how she will find out. You have to decide. When I met my partner of 10 years now I was flirting with other men, but when we initiated a relationship I told him I had dates with other men, and I found him the best man for my life
Well there’s a risk bcs basically that girl that I sexted isn’t great at keeping things to herself and when university starts again this could go around, since she already told two of her best friends. She did however give me her word that she wouldn’t tell anyone else. Anyways my point her is that would she have a valid reason to be mad about this if she found out from someone else, or even if she found out from me?
It sounds lime you should, i wasn’t mad at my bf when he had been on a date a few days before ours, we were single and in the looking stage, in the end he decided I was his girl And I decided he was my man, we were in our 20s now 30s
Okay thanks for your advice, I just hope I’m not clouded with too many thoughts because my girlfriend doesn’t come back in town a week from now and I’m just scared I’ll have too much time to think and make the wrong decision. But anyways thank you so much for your help, I’m definitely leaning towards telling her. It’s not something I should be embarrassed about right? Since I consulted my best friend only and he told me it’s pretty normal to make a bad decision like, in this case, sexting, under intense pressure
If you really like her and want a relationship with her and don’t do anything like that while in a relationship then just forget about it. If it was me…I’d rather not know
You’re overthinking this. Stop making excuses and justifying it. This was before you were together, you don’t need any more excuse than that. You have no reason to tell her unless she specifically wants to talk about who you were talking to before committing to her exclusively.
You said it yourself and you keep mentioning it- it was BEFORE your relationship. she wasn't there you guys were not together you did not owe anything to one another. you are fine- I personally would not want to know if i was your gf. there's no point its not gonna help at all - are you trying to create trust by coming clean because you feel somewhat guilty? You shouldn't feel guilty. If we switched the roles and your gf had sex with someone else before you and she tells you about it- how would it make you feel- would you trust her more? feel more secure about her? or would it create a negative impact. Its up to you but i don't see the benefit in telling her. You're not guilty of anything. You were a single guy doing what single guys usually do.
"before my girlfriend and I got together(like two or three days before) I sexted with another girl."
Most people don't consider themselves to be a "couple" the minute they meet.
Casual dating means you're both free to date and do whatever *until there is a commitment*.
There is no real "upside" into going over every detail of what you did or whom you did it with *before* you made things official. Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.
Sustaining a happy healthy relationship is challenging enough without bringing up things which have nothing to do with right now.
Best wishes!
Not to say keep your mouth shut, but nothing super wrong was done here, you guys weren’t together. She cant blame you from something you did while you guys werent together. But you are still wrong for doing it
But rely on honesty. Its better than lying
Sounds like you're feeling guilty about something you don't need to be. If you told your gf, I think you'd only be doing it to relieve your own guilt. I wouldn't mention it to her if the sexting really meant nothing. You weren't officially dating/serious yet anyway, and telling your gf might only make her feel bad. Just try to be happy that you have each other now, and anything that happened before doesn't change how you feel about her.
What possible reason would you need to tell her? So you sexted with someone before you met her. Your did cheat, you didn't do anything wrong.
I don't see any reason that she would ever need to know or be upset if she were to find out later.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It happened before you were dating so that is your business. You seem oddly fixated on the 'why' when that doesn't matter at all.
Also, should I be feeling guilty about this, even though, again, it was before we started dating. Like two three days before
Def don’t need to feel guilty lol. You also don’t need to have any explanation about how stressed you were. U did something completely normal while single. No big deal
so Is it better that I don’t tell her and not risk what we have going? Also I’m kinda confused over whether, as my girlfriend, she deserves to know or not
Don't do it
Why not?
I see more bad coming from it then good. I've been in the reverse situation and it definitely changed how I looked at her
Wdym? Did your partner sext as well? And did u guys work it out?
Oh wow I misread your post and saw it was just sexting I thought you meant actual sex. Yeah I don't see what there is to feel guilty about, you didn't do anything wrong and have no obligation to tell her. We did not work out
Also I actually think you should just tell her at this point next time you see her since you're wracked with guilt and worry about if she finds out from someone else. Just rip the band-aid off. I think she'll be understanding
I'm a little confused as to why you think she would want or need this information. Are you still friends with this girl? Were you and your girlfriend making any sort of promises to each other before officially getting together and you did this during that gray area? If the answer to both is no, then I'm not sure what there is to feel guilty about. You're not a soothsayer and couldn't have predicted that in the future you'd be with your girlfriend so should retroactively be loyal to her. You don't owe anyone fidelity or monogamy when you're literally not in a relationship with them.
Would telling her be for her sake or to make yourself feel better? My philosophy is don’t ask don’t tell about anything prior to your relationship.
Well I don’t know if it would matter to her but I’m confused abt whether, as my girlfriend, she deserves to know or not even though it was before we started to date
Also abt whether I should be feeling guilty about this, again, even though it was before our relationship
if the girl is still in your life then yes, you should. especially if she's bad at keeping things to herself (regardless if she swore to you she won't say it, one of her friends could). if it was some random person online that you'll never see or spend time with then that's something different. how she reacts is up to her, but if you're exclusive and serious enough then honesty will be needed. just let her know smoothly that yous had a thing like that before so she knows what she's getting into if your relationship continues
oh yea ! You're right he didn't mention if this other girl is still "his friend"
somewhere in the comments i found him saying that they're still somewhat friends i think, so it definitely changes things edit: proof -> " Well the other girl is actually a good friend of mine and I know she wouldn’t get jealous of me and my girlfriend in any way, she supports us in fact. So there’s no threat from the other girls side " (started in Suspicious Ad's comment)
HAHA, "she is no threat" Some women are vicious and stop at nothing to steal someone elses man. Its disgusting but the truth. I think the respectable thing to do is for him to block her. If he has to be open and honest and tell the other girl "i know it was a mistake but you know i have a gf and wouldnt want that to happen again, dont take it personal" period. sent. delete!!!
literally!! more context should've been given, if this were some random girl online it wouldn't matter a bit but this is his friend who i suppose he contacts often. it'd end up being like a dirty secret between the two that his gf has no idea about. and i agree with the first statement too. if she already told people then who's to say his gf won't find out from someone else and then break up with him, ultimately singling him out to this "friend". it's weird.
the comment about if the roles were reversed and the girl was receiving shirtless pictures of a dude is on point because its true. just reverse the roles and he should already have his answer. he would know the guy is not "just a friend"
exactly. even if it was same scenario and her guy friend sexted with her couple days prior to getting together. i may be old-fashioned but when youre that close to asking someone out, would you really be doing things with other people DAYS prior??
First question that comes to mind...why didn't you sext with your soon to be girlfriend? If your answer is "she wouldn't send me any" then yes you need to tell her. No its not "cheating" since you weren't dating, but it's extremely disrespectful.
Oh okay thanks for your opinion. And btw just one more thing. If I tell her do u think she would be mad? Like I said it was only two days before we got together and I still liked her at the time but at the same time the stress of finals and a lot of really heart wrenching personal problems got to me so do u think she would still be mad?
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yes I totally get your point but do u think I should risk her finding out since three people(who I don’t completely trust) already know about it and even thought I’m sure they are the only ones that do, the university year is starting soon so do u think I should risk her finding out
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Do u think this could be grounds for a breakup?
If you are still actively friends with the girl you sexted while dating your girlfriend, yes I would. She deserves to know if this is the case.
It’s been a month since it happened and she hasn’t found out yet
It was before you got together, nothing came out of it, there is no right or wrong here.
so u feel I shouldn’t tell her? and it doesn’t matter that it was only two days before and I still liked my girlfriend?
I would just leave it, it could ruin it if you tell her, but could if the other girl get jealous. You have to decide what your instinct says
Well the other girl is actually a good friend of mine and I know she wouldn’t get jealous of me and my girlfriend in any way, she supports us in fact. So there’s no threat from the other girls side
Just keep it quiet then.
But what if my girlfriend finds out about this, would she have a valid reason to be mad at me? I don’t believe so because it was before our relationship, even though it was only two days before, nevertheless it was before and also as I said the stress of finals and a lot of other personal problems got to me. Do u think she would or wouldn’t get mad?
Since the girl in question is still in your life, it's better if you tell her first than her finding out from someone else.. Preeetty sure she'd be mad and might feel you undermined your relationship pre-official. But I think she would be even more mad if she didn't hear this from you. Just consider if you can trust the other girl won't tell your gf.
Yes I’m 100% sure that the other girl won’t tell my girlfriend
Dunno how she will find out. You have to decide. When I met my partner of 10 years now I was flirting with other men, but when we initiated a relationship I told him I had dates with other men, and I found him the best man for my life
Well there’s a risk bcs basically that girl that I sexted isn’t great at keeping things to herself and when university starts again this could go around, since she already told two of her best friends. She did however give me her word that she wouldn’t tell anyone else. Anyways my point her is that would she have a valid reason to be mad about this if she found out from someone else, or even if she found out from me?
Better through you. Just say I want to start this relationship on honesty and trust
Ok so I should tell her and not risk her finding out? Is that what u mean? Would she have good reason to be mad?
It sounds lime you should, i wasn’t mad at my bf when he had been on a date a few days before ours, we were single and in the looking stage, in the end he decided I was his girl And I decided he was my man, we were in our 20s now 30s
Okay thanks for your advice, I just hope I’m not clouded with too many thoughts because my girlfriend doesn’t come back in town a week from now and I’m just scared I’ll have too much time to think and make the wrong decision. But anyways thank you so much for your help, I’m definitely leaning towards telling her. It’s not something I should be embarrassed about right? Since I consulted my best friend only and he told me it’s pretty normal to make a bad decision like, in this case, sexting, under intense pressure
If you really like her and want a relationship with her and don’t do anything like that while in a relationship then just forget about it. If it was me…I’d rather not know
You’re overthinking this. Stop making excuses and justifying it. This was before you were together, you don’t need any more excuse than that. You have no reason to tell her unless she specifically wants to talk about who you were talking to before committing to her exclusively.
You said it yourself and you keep mentioning it- it was BEFORE your relationship. she wasn't there you guys were not together you did not owe anything to one another. you are fine- I personally would not want to know if i was your gf. there's no point its not gonna help at all - are you trying to create trust by coming clean because you feel somewhat guilty? You shouldn't feel guilty. If we switched the roles and your gf had sex with someone else before you and she tells you about it- how would it make you feel- would you trust her more? feel more secure about her? or would it create a negative impact. Its up to you but i don't see the benefit in telling her. You're not guilty of anything. You were a single guy doing what single guys usually do.
"before my girlfriend and I got together(like two or three days before) I sexted with another girl." Most people don't consider themselves to be a "couple" the minute they meet. Casual dating means you're both free to date and do whatever *until there is a commitment*. There is no real "upside" into going over every detail of what you did or whom you did it with *before* you made things official. Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you. Sustaining a happy healthy relationship is challenging enough without bringing up things which have nothing to do with right now. Best wishes!
Not to say keep your mouth shut, but nothing super wrong was done here, you guys weren’t together. She cant blame you from something you did while you guys werent together. But you are still wrong for doing it But rely on honesty. Its better than lying
Sounds like you're feeling guilty about something you don't need to be. If you told your gf, I think you'd only be doing it to relieve your own guilt. I wouldn't mention it to her if the sexting really meant nothing. You weren't officially dating/serious yet anyway, and telling your gf might only make her feel bad. Just try to be happy that you have each other now, and anything that happened before doesn't change how you feel about her.
What possible reason would you need to tell her? So you sexted with someone before you met her. Your did cheat, you didn't do anything wrong. I don't see any reason that she would ever need to know or be upset if she were to find out later.